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Lesson 5 Assignments
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12 Replies
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Subject: Monica’s Elevated Dialogue
Vision: I will continue to learn everything I can through all different media to apply what I learn to become the best screenwriter I can be. To be successful in getting my movies made and to win awards in the process.
What I learned from doing this assignment is it was rather fun using the character profiles and then putting oneself into the character and brainstorming a better line of dialogue.
3. Tell us how many lines you rewrote for each character and give us three of your favorites just for fun.
Protagonist 3 lines (as I have to rewrite the 4<sup>th</sup> act because I killed someone off).
Antagonist 2 lines – one of the favourite ones is. The Antagonist just shot one of his partners and he’s bleeding all over the floor. I changed the dialogue from, I’ll call an ambulance. To, I just replaced that carpet. (Adds to him being an asshole.)
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Joyce’s Module 7 #5 Elevating dialogue
WIL: For me this is the most fun. I can’t forget my poetry, short story, novel, and play experiences.
…to create memorable movie scripts that actors want to perform.
HUNTER
1. The big, “I shouldn’t have done it,” speech. Coming up.
2. He told her not to nag.
3 .Othelly went to the deli and sliced the beef.
LAUREN
1. You’re utterly ruining his speech.
2. You’re as funny as smoked sausage.
3. Maybe you spoke unwisely and unwell.
DELANEY
1. No one can ruin Shakespeare.
KEVIN
1. Or decompose it.
2. Right. but “All the world’s a stage.”
DELANEY
1. All of you. Shut up.
HUNTER
1. How poetic.
PROFESSOR
Please. Allow Othello to make amends.
LAUREN
1. Over her body? I’m going to cry.
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QUICK NOTE: I’m using Final Draft’s “Reports” under “Tools,” to select “Character Report” on my protag, then include “Scene Heading” and “Dialogue,” and print it out.
That way I can skim it really fast for generic dialogue and make changes.
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Lynn’s Elevated Dialogue
VISION: I am determined to become a great screenwriter capable of getting my screenplays in various genres produced into movies that inspire vast audiences to mitigate climate change.
THE PITCH: WEATHERING IT (Rom-Com) is about two college students who try to overcome family fights about global warming and get married during the worst ever Texas freeze.
I LEARNED that I can quickly check and improve dialogue by using my character profile in conjunction with Final Draft’s character’s dialogue report (under “Reports” under “Tools,” selecting “Character Report” on that character, then selection “Scene Heading” and “Dialogue”).
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I’ve made more changes to other character’s dialog, but found some 15 places to change in protag Ellie’s.
I’ve been trying to add something of Rio Grande Valley speak, such as æ [as in add], which people here use to indicate “just joking.” Several other characters use it early on, but Ellie doesn’t, since she’s suffering from eco-despair underlaid by her father abandonment wound. However, as she goes on her journey and improves, she does use it.
Some changes in Ellie’s dialogue:
–“The way things are going” to “The way things are not going.”
–“I know… My bad” to “Guess I flunked diplomacy. Again.”
— “And don’t ever lose your playful zest for life” to “Hoo-geh-tohn! I like you that way.” (used this Spanish term for “playful guy” a few times before)
— “Oh, Jim, this is wonderful. And you’re wonderful, knowing I needed this. I had forgotten how much beauty there is in the world. Houston is beautiful.” To “Oh, Jim, you’re wonderful, knowing I needed this… this… beauty.”
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MODULE SEVEN LESSON FIVE
FRAN’S ELEVATED DIALOGUE
WHAT I LEARNED: I haven’t been doing as much as I should on this script as I should, I know. But I’ve been working very hard on my steamboat race script. I just finished the turning point scene where Charles discovers he really loves Frances and wants to be with her. What happened with this scene was exhilarating as I wrote it and the dialogue, I think, is really good. I think the Hallmark people would be proud of me for it! It takes time and some thought, but imagine your characters playing it out in your head. They will tell you, show you what you need to say. And how they would say it.
P.S. My pirate script is also peeking out its head again at me. I’ve been letting my subconscious work on that for quite awhile; and what needed to be fixed, changed and rearranged is finally starting to come out. This is how I work on scripts. When something isn’t right, I put it aside and let my subconscious go to town on it. When I’m finished with my steamboat race, I do want to get back to working on my pirate script.
MY VISION: I want to write great movies. Movies that are magical, movies that move people and tell the truth. I want to write movies that stars will want to be in.
My dialogue pieces:
In the hook:
Peter the Great: How could I have fathered such a son? You are not worthy to even be the czar’s bootlicker.
Alexei: Who would want you as their father?
Jerome to Meredith: Another crisis at the studio. I’m starting to get sick and tired of trying to make this script of yours into a halfway decent film.
Olga when she learns she cannot be czar by law:
Olga: Would it have made a difference if I had been born a son instead of a daughter? Must God bow down to Russian law, too?
Meredith to Kyron: We came from very different worlds, you and I.
Kyron: Not so different. We enjoy the same things.
Meredith: My parents would have kept us apart even if we had been next door neighbors, growing up together. Attending the very same schools.
Kyron: That was long ago. Things are different now.
Meredith: Are they? Have things really changed? For people like you and me—who just wanted to love each other?
Kyron: If we allow them to, they can.
Olga, when she learns of soldier Dmitri’s betrayal
Olga: How dare you! I am the daughter of a czar!
Dmitri: And you fall for any man, like a strumpet in the street.—Or so I am told.
Olga: I can have you hanged for this!
Dmitri: Alas. My dearest Olga. The monarchy is no more. The czar is no more. Just who will do your bidding for you now?
Dmitri lets out an evil laugh, strolls away quite pleased with himself.
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WIM2 – Dana’s Elevated Dialogue
My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.
What I learned from doing this assignment?
The first draft of a script creates the foundation for your story. The second, third and fourth draft of a script improve the scenes. But elevating the dialogue created greater depth and conflict for my primary and secondary characters to drive the story forward. I could see their personalities develop with each rewrite.
I added or changed almost every line of every character and supporting character in my script to create greater conflict between them.
In this fourth version, I added the protagonist’s sister, which required enhanced dialogue to show her duplicity with the husband in kidnapping her sister.
I improved the subtext and humor of my drug lord to give him a passive demeanor to conflict against the gruesome violence of the scene.
I also added a protagonist monologue during the escape seen, speaking to her dead father, to give her self-courage.
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Marcus’ Elevated Dialog
My Vision: Get my script made into a movie.
This assignment taught me some good ways to look at dialog and rewrite it.
Protagonist Jake Barnet.
I rewrote 19 of his lines to some degree. Here’s a good example:
“Lord, you know I don’t ask for nothing. You done taken my parents. And my brothers. I’m all that’s left. I got through the wars without your help. But just a little something for me now?”
Changed to,
“Lord, we got the biggest building boom in the history of the world going on out here. And here I can’t make a living at carpentry. I asked for your help a few times during the wars and I didn’t hear nothing from you. And I understood it, off all your preaching peace. But carpenter to carpenter, a little help would go a long way.”
Antagonist Lucien Rickey.
I rewrote 6 of his lines. Example:
<div>“Lay down them guns or I’ll
shoot him dead.”
</div><div>Changed to,
“I shoot him now, my ears will be ringing for a
week. That don’t mean I won’t do it. Guns down.”</div>
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WIM2 Module 7 Lesson 5 – Dialogue from Character Profiles
Lisa Long’s Elevated Dialogue
My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.
What I learned from this assignment is that the dialogue can keep being improved for each character.
I made sure that my lead character is a 12-year-old going on 20 by tweaking her dialogue to what a 12-year-old would think a 20-year-old would sound like.
I added a couple of supporting characters to enhance the reflection of the main characters and their dialogue.
I rewrote this exchange to:
JANE
He works his butt off and he’s not getting any younger. I think he needs you right now.
MOLLY
How can he need me when all he does is treat me like a dog. He treats Chessie better than he treats me!
JANE
Chessie won’t leave him, so he feels comfortable with him.
MOLLY
Why don’t I just leave. He won’t have to feel uncomfortable anymore!
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Dave’s elevated dialogue
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal values.
What I learned from this assignment is that it really is possible to significantly improve each character’s dialogue.
I changed 17 of Nigel’s lines. Three favorites:
In five years, Charles, you’ll understand my approach, when your mail order bride is divorcing you.
I don’t care about a bloody hearing. I want you Nazi bastards to release her!
Invincible, abounding Nature. Superb.
I changed 14 of Roger’s lines. Three favorites:
Carrying the ball in the open field – feels like you’re flying. Pure bloody excitement.
Military bastards. Ordering you to kill or to die. It’s my bloody life. I’ll decide when something’s worth risking it for.
Probably told you not to hurt their feelings. In the old days, we sent a bloody armada to take the Falkland Islands back.
I changed 12 of Livia’s lines. Three favorites:
I’ve only reported what I was told. Is it treasonous to tell the truth?
Merely for the price of another person’s life.
Which is it, I wonder. Did you abandon your conscience for Shiloh. Or were you born without one.
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Joel Stern WIM Elevating Dialogue Thriller: “Death Voice”. Jim “Ace” McCarthy, a WWII hero returns home to his young wife and Polio-disabled young son only to face challenges that rival those he faced in battle.
My vision: To write eight screenplays that eventually become Hollywood blockbusters.
What I learned (and am still learning) from this assignment: To improve the dialogue of my main characters.
I’m still working on this because it’s really becoming another draft even though I’m concentrating right now on my protagonist.
Here are a few changes made so far:
Jim’s very first line (in a flashback) after being told by his superior officer to kill two nuns suspected of being German saboteurs: “They’re just nuns Sarge.”
I changed it to: “Go fuck yourself. I’m not killing any nuns – sir.
After saving Ted’s life at the foot of the church, I changed Jim telling wounded Ted that he was “Just following orders” (to kill the nuns) to “Just following the prick’s orders.”
Also added a line: “You’re not dying Ted. You still owe me all that poker money”
Jim’s first full day back home in Las Vegas and he’s interviewing for a sales job at a Desoto dealership: Owner LEM, a stogie-puffing vet missing a leg interviews Jim.
Original line: JIM: “Well, I never sold a car but I’m a fast learner. And I can take apart a carburetor blindfolded.”
Changed to: “Well, I never sold a car – well except my dad’s without him knowing – but I’m a fast learner. And I can take apart a carburetor blindfolded!”
LEM
Hmm. Without him knowin’…
JIM
Well, yes sir — but I paid him back.
(ashamed)
Most of it anyway.
Jim’s first customers are an old feisty couple, Ray and Lulu. Lulu’s like Ma Barker. Ray’s like the farmer with the pitchfork in the famous “American Gothic” painting. Ray examines the toothy-looking front grill of a ’47 Desoto…
RAY
Good Lord… it’s like a big set ‘a teeth!
(taps front teeth)
Lost mine during the Hoover years.
JIM
Truly sorry to hear that sir.
I changed Jim’s line to: “Well I know a swell dentist in Mayville – I can give you his –“
LULU
(interrupts)
What we got now’s the Devil’s machine. And he sure ain’t in a hurry. A Crosley Hotshot.
JIM
‘Ya don’t say!
LULU
A dual-overhead cam 75 liter four cylinder piece ‘a crap that won’t let ‘ya go past fifty two. And we have places to go!
I’ve made about 15 changes so far with Jim’s dialogue. Lots more to go!
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Erin Ziccarelli’s Elevated Dialogue
Vision: I am creating profound scripts that leave audiences remembering my movies and leave me excited to keep writing and moving up in the industry.
What I learned from doing this assignment is: the importance of singling out a character’s dialogue. This process is helpful to give a character their own unique voice. For example, my lead is very bitter in the first act, so I went through all that dialogue and put a cynical/sarcastic spin on it to convey that emotion and subtext. This took a while but is definitely worth it!
2. Follow these steps to rewrite any generic lines from your lead characters.
Select a lead character.
Pull out their character profile and
read it.
Go to the first dialogue line for
this character. Read it.
Ask, “Could that line be said by
anyone else?”
If so, using that character’s
profile, brainstorm other possible ways to say the line.
Rewrite it, then move to the next
line by this character.3. Tell us how many lines you rewrote for each character and give us three of your favorites just for fun.
· Alex: about 30 lines
o Because we’ve stuck together. No one stands alone.
o Which one of mine turned you in?
o I don’t know who you are, and I don’t know why you’re here. But you don’t speak of this. I didn’t know Nathanial Caden, I never had anything to do with Nathanial Caden. He was never one of mine.
· Scarlett: about 15 lines
o Richard – what will we do with him? What will we do without him?
o So hiring me is just another round in your game.
o I’m in your game for the money. You don’t tell me what to do outside of 8-5. It’s a family affair. I stick to my business, stand by my people, and I don’t talk to scum on the other side.
· Roger: about 20 lines
o It’s how I measure a man’s resilience.
o You could leave the old life behind. Start over. Call your bet.
o You want to go back? To everything you were before?
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Andrew Boyd’s Elevated Dialogue
Vision: For Hitler’s Choirboys to be such a compelling screenplay that Spielberg and Gibson will battle it out to produce their most powerful WW2 drama since Hacksaw Ridge or Schindler’s List.
What I learned from doing this assignment: Again, there is such a strength in writing in layers. Each time you are looking for one thing only, so you are not overwhelmed by the demands of the whole. Going through this script character by character has allowed me to tighten the dialogue and give it more power and crunch. It takes time, because it involves rereading the entire screenplay several times over, once for each character.
There were so many line changes. But a few favourites (sorry, cut and paste has stripped out the formatting):
In Act 1, protagonist Henry Gerecke is asked about heading home after the war – he’s due to leave any day. The original had him distracted by tending a wounded patient. The replacement has him tear himself away, excited. This change reveals that the stakes for Henry when he later chooses to remain rather than go home are very high.
Original:
GEORGE
Hear you’re heading home, Henry?
HENRY
(Mid-prayer)
Yep. Any day.
Replacement:
GEORGE
How’s it feel to be heading home?
Henry tears himself away, mid prayer. His eyes light up.
HENRY
You have no idea!
Henry’s wound, at encouraging his boys to go to war is made deeper and more visible by this minor dialogue change:
Original:
HENRY
I encouraged them. Alma begged me not to. Now Roy’s about to sign up.
Replacement:
HENRY
I encouraged them. I whipped those boys up and Alma begged me not to. Now Roy’s about to sign up.
There was an awkward exchange with supporting character, Sixtus O’Connor. O’Connor helped liberate Mauthausen concentration camp. Henry pumps him about how he can bear to be with Kaltenbrunner, the Nazi who set up that camp, who is part of his Catholic congregation. While Sixtus deflects from his personal wound about what he saw there and failed to prevent, he also offers useful advice as a mentor.
Original:
HENRY
How can you bear Kaltenbrunner, having seen for yourself what he’s done?
Sixtus’ eyes cloud over. Then he remembers to smile.
SIXTUS
I picture him as a squalling kid in diapers. C’mon, let me introduce you to this merry band of pilgrims.
Replacement:
HENRY
How can you bear to be with him, after seeing for yourself what he’s done?
Sixtus’ eyes cloud over. Then he remembers to smile.
SIXTUS
I picture little Ernie as a squalling kid in crappy diapers. C’mon, let me introduce you to this merry band of pilgrims.
After Henry’s failure to get through to defendants Rosenberg and Hess, Gus asks him how it is going. The amendment reveals the real depths of his helplessness.
Original:
HENRY
Out of my depth. Completely.
Replacement:
HENRY
Out of my depth. Totally. Utterly. Completely.
I have also rounded out Henry’s character by adding a little more humour, sharp wittedness and rage, which is his flaw.
And I have tweaked Goering’s dialogue to reveal him as more urbane, more vain, more manipulative, and ultimately more sinister.
Many thanks.
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