Lesson 6

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Completed P/S Grid #1

What I learned doing this assignment is how to restructure the script using the P/S Grid #1.

I used the BW TV P/S Grid to solve any problems I could for this draft.

1. Using the BW TV P/S Grid, I am first going to improve my acts’ structure. I’m going to look at the midpoint. It should come after Act 2 at about page 33.

The midpoint shows Bill and Sophie visiting Zhora in the hospital. Zhora’s not only recovering from surgery, but he’s agitated and worried about Sophie. He begs her to be careful. She reminds him that she is always careful. The real world conflict is this: Zhora is a professional spy, used to noticing anything that’s out of place, and he made a fatal mistake. If he can make such a mistake, how safe can Sophie be?

2. Next, I’ll take a look at the Teaser (pages 1-6). The teaser introduces the viewer to the history of the painting the thieves are intent on finding, Sophie’s work of cleaning and evaluating art, and her relationship with Zhora. The mystery is how did Falisa come by Old Russian Masters? What secrets did Pasha take to his grave? Is Sophie right about the painting being the work of Ivan Aivazovsky?

3. Next, I’ll look at Act 1 (pages 6-17). Here the viewer sees Sophie in her ordinary world as an art history scholar, which covers her real identity as a Russian defector wanted by Russia’s FSB.

4. Act 2 (pages 17-33). During Act 2, Sophie confronts the thieves in her house. She sees Aleksei clearly before she runs away. By the same token, he knows what she looks like, too. The setup to expose the cover occurs at the end of Act 2 when in Moscow, Sophie’s mother is approached by Oleg, and he takes a photo of Sophie as a 4-year-old little girl.

5. Act 3 (pages 33-43). Sophie reels from the break-in and the realization that the paintings are stolen property from the time of the Bolshevik Revolution.

6. Act 4 pages 43-56) Sophie gets kidnapped by one of the thieves, who will let her go if she turns over the Aivazovsky painting. Bill tells her she can no longer keep the Aivazovsky painting. It’s not safe.

7. Act 5 (pages 56 – 67) Cliffhanger. Sophie’s is going to Moscow to find the legitimate owner of the Aivazovsky painting. Moscow is where her mother, who can’t be trusted, lives. Unbeknownst to Sophje, her mother now knows what she looks like as an adult and could recognize her if they happen to cross paths.

I’ve tweaked each of the acts until I think I have the basic elements of the Teaser and 5 acts in place. The story still is rough, but I’m confident that it will be better in the future.

[Jack Young]

Jack Young Completed P/S Grid #1 for “STREAM”

What I learned doing this assignment is to really scrutinize the story I’m trying to tell.

1. Pilot not a strong Inciting Incident for the Season or Series:

 Look at the entire season or show. RESPONSE: Yes. No problem.

 What major mystery or impossible goal/mission needs to be set up powerfully in the pilot? RESPONSE: A mysterious energy Stream is stealing souls causing a no-birth crisis. Can someone shut it down?

 What is the bigger journey of this season that you need to start in the pilot? RESPONSE: A journey into the Stream to wherever it leads.

 Reference: Mod 3, Lesson 2: Pilot as Inciting Incident

2. Weak Conflict (Big Picture):

A. Create huge opposing goals with high stakes. RESPONSE: What lies in the Stream and at the other end? The fate of mankind is at stake.

B. Cause high stakes goals to be challenged in a big way. RESPONSE: Yes.

C. Give your characters opposing goals, missions, needs, traits, agendas, etc.

between characters. RESPONSE: Michael must die and go into the Stream. Diane and the others must keep his body at certain temp or he cannot return. The Professor has a secret agenda associated with the human soul.

D. Forced characters into Terrifying Risks/High Stakes. RESPONSE: Michael must have his heart stopped to enter Stream or stay and die from brain cancer in 3 days.

E. Build in a Ticking Clock. RESPONSE: Michael has 5 days to go into Stream and shut it down before they restart his heart.

3. Weak or No Irony (Big Picture):

 IRONY: Put two opposites together in an interesting and/or puzzling way. RESPONSE: The Professor has a spiritual solution to a scientific problem affecting birth.

 Instantly causes an endless series of potential problems. RESPONSE: The only way to investigate the Stream is to become a spiritual being (die). Science is defining it as a problem caused by a virus or disease and are trying to create man using science.

 Irony creates depth, unique, fascination, open loops, and causes puzzlement. RESPONSE: The Professor uses Astral Projection as a technique to investigate and has unusual techniques he uses.

4. Structure: Do my Acts Work?:

 Isolate the structure. List out one or two sentences for each ACT to see which are weak or don’t deliver.

– ACT I: Michael’s day at home and the office turns to shit when he gets attacked by rioters on the way to work, a client blows her brains out in front of him, and he finds out there’s a warrant out for his arrest for an illegal stock deal.

– ACT II: Michael’s stop a local lounge also turns bad when he’s ambushed by his mistress who turns out to be the criminal mind behind the “fudged” foreclosures that he’s been signing and that she’s told the FBI where to find him. Michael has a mild stroke and while in the hospital he has nightmares about his brother, learns of Professor Darlington’s attempts in the Astral Plane, and is told he’s dying from advanced brain cancer.

– ACT III: Michael seeks out the Professor and receives supernatural messages about his imminent death. The Professor takes Michael and Diane into the Astral Plane to witness the Stream stealing souls. Michael is told that he must die to enter the stream and stop the no-birth epidemic.

– ACT IV: Michael has another vision of his brother and sorcerer in another world and receives cryptic messages from Jimmy. Michael decides to enter the Stream and must say goodbye to his 5 year old son. Michael has his heart stopped to enter the Stream.

– ACT V: Michael enters the Stream while the Professor and the astral team must break out Diane and Thomas from jail after they are arrested for Michael’s death. The team breaks into the morgue to reclaim Michael’s body and keep it refrigerated so Michael can return. Michael completes his journey to his destination in the Stream and finds himself on an alien planet with a new body that has an artificial skin.

 It should tell a story and each beat should fulfill its purpose. If not, just brainstorm other ways to deliver that beat. RESPONSE: Done. Works.

 Teaser: Scene as a Hook: Unique world, mystery, tone, and character. RESPONSE: A TV interview with the Professor about his solution informs the viewer of a world not seen or imagined before.

 Act 1: The hero’s ordinary world. Their cover. RESPONSE: Michael has a family and good job and in Act I it is starting to fall apart and go bad.

 Act 2: The setup to expose the cover. RESPONSE: Michael is slowly exposed to other worlds that are interacting with his alerting him of his destiny.

 Midpoint: Reveals the real world/conflict. RESPONSE: Michael and Diane are taken into the Astral Plane to see the Stream that is stealing souls first hand. Diane gets pulled into the Stream and must be rescued.

 Act 3: Reeling from the change. RESPONSE: Michael’s world is over. He must decide to die and enter the Stream to change the world for the better.

 Act 4: Consequences/Fallout/major expression of conflict. RESPONSE: Michael must say goodbye to his wife and young son

 Act 5: Cliffhanger/They are on the journey. RESPONSE: Michael reaches the end of the Stream and finds himself on an alien planet and with a new body.

 Reference: Mod 3, Lesson 3: Pilot Structure. RESPONSE:

5. Weak Teaser:

The Teaser needs to be a compelling and dramatic HOOK that sets the tone, creates

mystery, and propels us to watch this episode. RESPONSE: I feel teaser is effective.

It could be the chronological first action of the pilot or it could be an intriguing

moment that is taken from later in the show. RESPONSE: The teaser reveals some kind of connection that Michael has with the “Stream”, the sacred seals, an alien world, and with the ruler of that world (Cronus) and his Sorcerer. The teaser foretells Michael’s destiny.

Reference: Mod 3, Lesson 3: Pilot Structure, and BW Framework

6. Need stronger Midpoint:

 Act 1 is the cover for what is really going on. The midpoint reveals the REAL intriguing reality. RESPONSE: The midpoint is when Michael and Diane witness what is causing the no-birth crisis.

 Make Act 1 such a good cover up that we are shocked by the Midpoint. RESPONSE:

 Deliver the Midpoint scene in a shocking or surprising way. RESPONSE: When they are shown the Stream in the Astral Plane, Diane gets pulled into it and must be rescued.

 Reference: Mod 3, Lesson 3: Pilot Structure

7. Conclusion: Mystery or Impossible Goal/Mission not strong: RESPONSE: When Michael has his heart stopped to go into the Stream, his body temp must be maintained. Well, I expo them to the police when their young son sees his father dead and alerts the police. When the police take the body, this complicates the issue of Michael ever returning. The wife and Professor must find a way to steal back the body.

8. Need a stronger cliffhanger: RESPONSE: When the viewer journeys with Michael to the end of the Stream and finds Michael on an alien planet with a new body and new artificial skin, they will want to know oh so many things that they surely return.

9. Weak Turning Points (end of each act): RESPONSE: I think it works.

10. A, B, and C stories not working together: RESPONSE:

First, Identify them. A drives things. B + C add complexity and emotion to A line. RESPONSE:

A story = High Concept story. RESPONSE: Michael must go into the Stream and shut it down so his son and others can have a normal life.

B story = Colleagues and Competitors. RESPONSE: The Professor and Thomas must maintain Michael’s body so he can return.

C story = Family. RESPONSE: His wife is now on the run from the police, suspected in Michael’s death, and estranged from her young son, who believes his mother killed his father.

11. Weak Transformational Journey: RESPONSE: Michael is in an extremely bad place with his wife (affair) his work (he was fired), financially (Made illegal stock deal and lost everything) and health-wise (has terminal brain cancer). His only way forward is to die and go into the Stream. What does he have to lose at this point?

12. Missing Setups for Future Episodes: RESPONSE: Michael has visions of a sorcerer who we will discover is a mentor to the main antagonist (Cronus) who Michael will meet on the alien planet where he arrived. The circular stone disk that Michael saw in his dream is one of six seals that are considered sacred seals that are the real problem that Michael will face.

13. Not enough intrigue: RESPONSE: I think this works..

14. Not enough subtext: RESPONSE: I feel that I’ve created the right amount of intrigue and mystery to keep the viewer engaged.

[George Petersen]

George Petersen – P/S GRID #1

What I learned doing this assignment is the importance of removing problems before the interview.

Problem: Not enough intrigue

Solution: Make the current Intrigue, etc. more intense – raise stakes, increase fear, more intense consequences.

Getting into the writing, it became apparent that too much time is being spent with the good guys and not enough time is being spent with the bad guys.

I found that things worked better when scenes were added that showed the bad guys struggling to develop a cohesive plot of assassination.

I discovered that putting their hopes for extreme destruction on display added to the stakes significantly.

Problem: Weak Transformational Journey

Solution: Character in a bad place that must change.

So if Kate is to transform into a strong, independent character at the end, then she must be more subdued, more wounded in the beginning. I found that focusing on the wound of the loss of Kate’s husband helps grows the distance between how she is in the beginning of the story and how she is in the end.

Problem: Need a stronger cliffhanger

Solution: Intense high stakes, impossible goal or mission. How the hell are they going to accomplish that?

I needed to add scenes that showed the gangs as more ruthless in pursuing their goals. The will harm and kill to get what they want.

[Eric Humble]

Eric Humble Completed P/S Grid #1

What I learned doing this assignment is: That I can improve even the big sections of the scripts quickly and efficiently if I tackle them one step at a time and use the grid’s suggestions to focus me.

So far, I’ve only been able to complete one new scene, which I was able to identify quickly using the P/S grid. It’s an introduction scene for one of the main characters who didn’t have a proper introduction in Act One. The new scene is lackluster, but at least I have something in place at the moment. I was, however, able to identify quite a few of the major scenes which needed significant work/rewrites/retooling — especially the midpoint. I haven’t had the time or the ability to figure out the full solutions yet. The few I tried with, I sensed I was on the path to getting myself stuck, so I just gave the problems to my creative mind and now I’m moving forward onto the next lesson. So I know I’ll be returning to finish this work as we go, but I feel empowered by the decision to move forward rather than sit on one problem until it’s solved.