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Lesson 6
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34 Replies
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VERSION 2
OUTLINE: Trent & Robert are college mates and lovers. Trent plans to leave Robert for a rich boyfriend. Out of revenge Robert starts to spread rumours and gossip about Trent that he is a gay. Everyone comes to Trent’s birthday party. He doesn’t invite his new rich boyfriend because he still didn’t break up with Robert. As the gay haters (non-gays) college mates get drunk and mad they call Trent to the back room and beat him up. Robert feels revenged.
INT. COLLEGE CAFETERIA – MORNING
During lunch ROBERT sits to COLLEGE MATE 1 (gay hater, non-gays) and COLLEGE MATE 2 (gay hater, non-gays) .
ROBERT
May I join you guys?
COLLEGE MATE 2
You can try (Laughing)
COLLEGE MATE 1
What’s the matter?
ROBERT
I have an invitation for you to deliver.
COLLEGE MATE 1
Which one?
ROBERT
Tomorrow is Trent’s birthday party. He asked me to invite you both.
COLLEGE MATE 1
That is really a surprise!
COLLEGE MATE 2
Why he doesn’t come himself to invite us.
ROBERT
He is on external training today and won’t make it back to the college.
COLLEGE MATE 1
I never thought that we are friend, but why not.
COLLEGE MATE 2
Will be there enough to drink?
ROBERT
Of course! What do you think…. You know Trent he has always pocket money….
COLLEGE MATE 2
Then actually why not! Tell him, we will be there!
INT. TRENT’S HOUSE – EVENING
Next day Trent is organizing nice party: the balloons, the big amount of various drinks, the DJ set, the cake – everything must be in place. By the way, his birthday cake a fresh strawberry Pavlova just was delivered by a delivery man. The details are important for him.
It is time, guests start to arrive, take first apero drink, enjoy. Trent makes the music at the DJ set. First guest are happy enjoying drinks and the music. Robert arrives greets Trent and brings him a present.
TRENT
Thank you, Robert!
But Trent doesn’t open the present, which makes Robert feeling even more OK with his revenge plan. His face expression is becoming acid.
Finally, COLLEGE MATE 1 and 2 arrived. Robert notices them and get to the kitchen to prepare them cocktails with extra alcohol. Robert comes to them with two cocktails in each hand and shows them around.
ROBERT
That is so nice that you finally made. (He is handing over two cocktails).
COLLEGE MATE 1
Thanks man!
COLLEGE MATE 2
… (No thanks, just takes it)
ROBERT
There are enough drinks for the whole night.
COLLEGE MATE 2
Great!
Suddenly Robert pulls out of his pocket two piggy-masks and says:
ROBERT
You should wear those as there is a so called “UNDERCOVER” surprise at the party later on.
They wear the creepy masks laughing without big thinking about. After they finish the cocktails Robert deliberately starts a conversation about Trent.
ROBERT
By the way do you know guys that Trent has a new boyfriend?
COLLEGE MATE 2
What ?
ROBERT
Yes, he does. It is the one with the big Mercedes and the huge house on the top of the hills.
COLLEGE MATE 1
Really?
ROBERT
Really! Trent is a gay!
COLLEGE MATE 2
That is why I always felt so bad about him. Asshole!
Two piggy-masked boys are getting mad and drunk, discussing among each other, we don’t hear, but we see them getting more and more crazy excited.
Robert leaves and observes them from the corner. Suddenly Trent notices two not invited people and asks Robert how is it possible.
TRENT
Robert, do you know how these two pigs made it here? I didn’t invite any pigs.
ROBERT
My dear, I have not a slightest idea.
Trent comes to the two and tells them that they should leave; he invites them to talk into the back room.
TRENT
Hey PIGS! Why are you here? I didn’t invite you.
COLLEGE MATE 2
Of course you did, asshole!
COLLEGE MATE 2
Yes, he is right. You did invite us because you like PIGS!
TRENT
Let’s talk in the back room. (He doesn’t want his party ruined)
The three of them go to the back room. Just the Trent closing the door MATE 2 hits him in the face, so that he is on the floor. He crumbles and stands up getting, ripping of a mask from COLLEGE MATE 2 and spits into his face.
TRENT
Hey, GORILLA, this is YOU!
You will f–k off this house right now!
COLLEGE MATE 2
What did you say F–KER!
TRENT
Did you get me?
Or you are too stupid for this and need a translator (Looking at Mate 1).
COLLEGE MATE 1
I am not a translator!
Mate 2 hits one more time, Mate 1 hits in addition
COLLEGE MATE 1
.And you are f–king gay!
Left-right-left-right, hands, legs everything is involved. Trent is beaten up on the floor. The two are leaving the party.
Robert comes to look from the corridor and make sure Trent is punished. He has a smile of a JOKER, which tell us that he is feeling great to cheer up his low self-esteem and says:
ROBERT
Hasta la Vista BABY!
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Hi Angelina.
INT. COLLEGE CAFETERIA – MORNING
Great idea.
In your first scene, you have Robert already sitting with the college mates. Then he asks if he can join them. Choose whether he’s already sitting or joining them. You also have COLLEGE MATE 2 laughing which makes me feel like he already knows Robert is gay. To add surprise to your scene, you may want this to look like they’re all good buddies, and the college mates don’t know Trent’s gay until they reach the party.
A change of scene might help here. Maybe your guys are casually talking in the locker room, after a game, about where the next party is. Then they would all be in the same area, without someone who is not in the college mate’s circle (Robert), asking to join them.
Another way would be for Robert to just walk up and squat next to their table and say something like, “Hey guys. There’s a big party at Trent’s tonight. We’re getting everyone together for a kegger.” Show Robert being gregarious (outgoing) and smooth.
INT. TRENT’S HOUSE – EVENING
I can see you showing Trent as a meticulous person. Your party feels like a rich kid’s party (drinks, instead of a beer keg). We, the audience, are not going to know the birthday cake is a fresh strawberry Pavlova unless you have Trent say something about it. Again, I feel like even a rich college kid is going to be more interested in drinking than cake, balloons, and presents. Unless…this was a family birthday party.
If you’re making it a family birthday party, then Trent’s mom would be putting it together. In which case, Trent’s boyfriend (Robert) might bring him a present, his family would bring him presents, but anyone crashing the party would not.
If you’re making this a college kids party, this scene would be more about who’s bringing the beer or keg.
NOTE: A suggestion for showing Trent as a meticulous person would be to play on his gayness. For instance: He could ask Robert if his outfit matched. He could look in the mirror, like a girl would, making sure he’s put together. He could straighten out beer bottles, keeping them neat. He could insist on people throwing their garbage in the can, instead of leaving them around. All the stuff that could also happen if he’s throwing a party at his parent’s house, while they are out of town (in which case it wouldn’t even need to be a birthday celebration).
What is a bit confusing here, is the assumption that Robert knows Trent cheated. We, as a person watching the movie, do not. If, in the middle of the party, we saw Robert walk into a room to find Trent kissing another guy, we would get a surprise AND know that Robert was betrayed. You could play this as someone kissed Trent and he tries to prove his innocence. Or you could play this as he is drunk and sampling someone else, in which case Robert himself might want to beat him up.
Having the college boys beat Trent up works also. Once the kids at the party realize there are a couple of gay guys among them, they could end up beating up BOTH Robert and Trent (and even another kid that Trent might be cheating with). A big party of drunk college kids could do a lot of damage. Our directions never specified that both boys couldn’t get beat up, which also adds a change of direction or surprise.
Putting the college boys put in masks seemed unbelievable because the rest of the party wasn’t in masks. It would have made drinking hard to do. One ‘clown’ of the party might have pranced around in a mask, but it’s doubtful that two guys would stand around drinking in them.
You have a good idea here. I’m just throwing suggestions out because this was a really hard assignment. It always feels easier to see suggestions about what someone else is writing, than it is to come up with ideas when we already have our own story in our heads. Keep up the good work. We’re all in this together.
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Dear Brenda
Thank you so much for your detailed and very valuable feedback.
Cheers
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Great notes Brenda! On an aside, let’s all try to avoid saying things like ” He could look in the mirror, like a girl would, making sure he’s put together.” I think that in 2023, we can all agree that outdated cliches about gender roles and sexual orientation are no longer needed 🙂 Also, a pavlova is a really distinctive-looking cake, very well known, especially in Europe. You can tell just by looking at it, it’s very pretty.
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Angelina,
This read is much smoother. Because the explanations are reduced, it is easier to stay involved with the dialogue and action.
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Angelina, this version flows a lot better!
I think you could greatly improve if you tried to include fewer complicated/in-depth descriptions of what happens inside your characters’ heads (i.e. their detailed thoughts). It’s easier if you simplify their feelings/thoughts through their actions and dialogue, especially if there is a strong subtext and their actions and words clash and betray their true thoughts. That way the reader can work out the character motives for themselves through the flow of all the things we can “see” and “hear” in the screenplay, instead of just reading them in the action descriptions.
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INT. BAR – NIGHT
ROBERT (40’s), t-shirt, greasy hair slicked to cover a bald spot, sits at the bar nursing his drink.
TRENT (40’s), dress shirt and slacks, slides onto a barstool, pulling the seat out to accommodate his paunchy stomach. He carefully smooths first his hair and then his mustache, signaling the BARTENDER.
TRENT
Robert, my man. What’re you doing down here? Slumming?
ROBERT
I live down here.
Robert holds up his beer and tips it at Trent. The bartender stops in front of the men.
TRENT
Lemon drop.
Trent moves closer to Robert, lowering his voice, his eyes darting around the room.
TRENT
The truth is, I’m meeting a girl here. Her suggestion, since she works across the street. Nicest piece of tail I’ve seen in a long time.
ROBERT
Good for you, bud. I don’t seem to have much luck with the female species.
TRENT
It’s all about the approach with a woman. You have to look the part, you know.
(winks)
And it never hurts to embellish yourself a little.
The Bartender puts a drink in front of Trent.
BARTENDER
Seven-fifty.
Trent turns back to Robert.
TRENT
Tell you what, buddy. I’m kind of celebrating tonight. You get our drinks now, and I’ll get everyone’s drinks when my gal gets here. I want you to meet her.
Robert hands some cash to the Bartender.
ROBERT
One round. To help you celebrate.
TRENT
Everything matters when you’re impressing a woman. Look at what you’re drinking. Beer. While I ordered something more elegant. If you want to get a hottie, you need to act like a sophisticated man.
Trent elbows Robert and winks again.
TRENT
Flash some style and cash and you can have whatever woman you want.
Trent smiles knowingly at Robert and completely downs his drink. He carefully dabs his mouth and resmooths his mustache.
Robert sits back in his chair and takes a satisfying gulp of his own beer.
ROBERT
What cash? We both work at McDonalds.
Robert takes another swig and burps.
TRENT
I’m fixing to open my own business. Money is no object for me.–
Trent catches the Bartender’s eye and raises his empty glass.
TRENT
–In fact, I’ll be hiring a few good men. It’ll be nice to quit working for the low life who thinks he owns us right now.
The Bartender sets down the drink.
BARTENDER
Seven-fifty.
Trent searches his pockets, becoming flustered.
TRENT
I must have left my wallet at home.
Robert pays for the drink.
ROBERT
Happy to help out a friend.
He moves his stool closer to Trent’s.
What type of person are you hoping to hire?
The door tinkles open. KIMMIE, (20’s) walks in, greasy hair combed to the side, hook nose, and skinny beyond anything fashionable. She approaches the men.
KIMMIE
Trent. Us d…d…dating isn’t working for me.
Kimmie steps back and chews her lip anxiously. She looks at Robert and then apologetically at Trent.
KIMMIE
I wanted to tell you in p…p…person, instead of ghosting you.
Kimmie twiddles her thumbs nervously, glances at Robert, and then moves closer to his chair.
TRENT
What? I thought this was about getting to know each other better. I wanted to tell you about the new Jag I’m getting.
KIMMIE
I’m s…s…sorry. I’m just not interested.
(to Robert)
Why’re you h…h…here? I thought you didn’t–that you and Trent weren’t–
ROBERT
(overloud)
Of course, we are. Friends. In fact, we’re talking about working together.
KIMMIE
Sorry. I shouldn’t have–
TRENT
(to Robert)
You know Kimmie?
ROBERT
She’s my cousin.
TRENT
You need to tell her what a great guy I am.
(to Kimmie)
You don’t’ want to miss out, Kimmie… babe. I’ve got what it takes to set you up right.
Kimmie glances at Robert, chewing on her lip again. She takes a quick breath and then blurts:
KIMMIE
S…s…someone told me that you’re all blow and no g…g…go.
TRENT
Who…? Robert? You told her that?
Robert jumps up and puts his arm around Kimmie’s shoulders, hugging her into him with a big fake smile.
ROBERT
Kimmie girl. You must be mistaken. I was talking about someone else. Not Trent here.
KIMMIE
I t…t…told you who I was going out with, and you said–
Robert spins Kimmie to face him, holding onto both shoulders.
ROBERT
…you must have misunderstood. Trent here is fixing to open his own business. He’s…
KIMMIE
…You said he was a f…f…fake–
Kimmie trails off as Robert narrows his eyes and shakes his head slightly.
KIMMIE
Sorry. I shouldn’t have–
She looks ready to cry.
KIMMIE
–I’m not very good at this.
Trent steps in and puts his own arm around Kimmie’s shoulders, pulling her away from Robert.
TRENT
Come on, Kimmie. You don’t want to listen to him. I’ve got plenty of women to choose from but I want to be with you. I’m a man who’s going up in the world. You’ll regret it if you leave now.
Trent pulls his barstool over and pushes Kimmie toward it.
Kimmie pulls away, swaps glances with Robert and turns, scurrying from the room.
TRENT
(calling after her)
Kimmie, please…
Trent whirls to Robert, anger thinning his lips.
TRENT
You son of a bitch. She could have been my soulmate. You ruined this for me.
ROBERT
Maybe I did. I’ve watched you go after a dozen women at work. I didn’t want her to get taken in.
Trent smooths his mustache again. His breathe comes quickly, teeth clenched.
TRENT
I oughtta…You better believe I’m not going to hire you for my new business now.
ROBERT
You can’t even pay your bar tab. –I’m going to use the john.
TRENT
We’re not done. Nobody gets to treat me like this.
ROBERT
We’re done. And I don’t need you to hold my hand.
Robert makes his way to the back of the room, leaving Trent to fume.
Trent dabs his mustache carefully with his napkin, looking furtively to either side. No one is paying attention. He puts his napkin in his pocket and follows Robert to the bathroom.
There is a beat of silence and then the sound of a scuffle. Something bangs the inside of the bathroom door.
Several PEOPLE look that way but there is a surge of LAUGHTER from a table near the door and they go back to their drinks.
Robert emerges, looking furtively around the room. Nobody notices. He glances down and sees blood on his knuckles. He carefully pulls his napkin, wipes his knuckles, smooths his mustache, and walks toward the door, stopping just long enough to drink the last of Robert’s beer and steal the tip he left.
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Brenda,
Your dialogue and action is so strong you don’t really need much description.
Giving beautiful Kimmie a stutters makes her more vulnerable and this underlines that her cousin, Robert, would be protective of her.
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Brenda, I like the strong characterization and core traits that are coming through in this!
I think it could potentially improve, if you worked on your subtext a little, and tried using some more conflicting dialogue and action. That way the reader might be even more intrigued about what’s happening, and might try to maintain focus and attention on trying to figure things out, instead of it being readily available to them.
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Lynn’s Draft 2 for “QE Cycle 1 Critique Scene Example”
What I learned that’s improving my writing skills is to try and work in more of the character traits in Trent and Robert’s dialogues (thanks to Hal’s critique of that really great scene). Could still use improvement…
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EXT./INT. RANCH – DAY
Aristocratic horse ranch decorated for a helluva celebration. A HUGE CROWD, some in swanky dress, some in riding habits, photographers.
Riders jump horses over a course in the ring. Others cluster in smaller groups, eat and drink at tables near the mansion and on the wraparound verandah.
JOHN (80), the center of attention, sits in an ornate chair on the porch like a king overlording his kingdom with a dominance smile. OTHERS fawn over him. It’s his 80th birthday. A multi-layered birthday cake on a table below the verandah awaits the ritual.
John notes his decrepit ranch hand, GEORGE (60s), sneak off into the TACK ROOM attached to the barn with a half full scotch bottle, and shakes his head with a smile.
ROBERT (26) greedily shakes hands with TWO GUESTS, who join his CLIQUE OF FOUR. A WOMAN (45) in his clique commandeers him.
WOMAN: So what are your plans, Robert? For the estate?
Robert shoots John a forced smile, then turns to her.
ROBERT: He’s as healthy as a marathon runner.
WOMAN: That’s not what we all heard, Robert, and you know it. In fact, I think it was you who told Clarice about the terminal cancer… And people in the valley would like to know your plans for this ranch and the rest of the estate.
His group looks at him expectantly.
ROBERT: (shifty smile). I don’t plan ahead… But did you hear about the Water Board debacle?
Robert glances over at TRENT (29), dressed to kill, champagne in hand, talking to ANDREW (40s) on the other side of the ranch yard. A brief frown grazes Robert’s face.
TRENT AND ANDREW
Trent replies to the Andrew well out of Robert’s earshot.
TRENT: Yes, Andrew, it WAS a great idea. (off Andrew’s interest) It took me a year to iron out the details, and it was up-up-up, then someone, someone I know well (daggers at Robert) botched it. Lost a lot of money. But that’ll never happen again. Guaranteed.
Andrew notes that Trent’s obvious implication of Robert, looks over at Robert. Then Trent and Robert exchange fake smiles and Robert waves Andrew to come join his group.
TRENT: (to Andrew) And this new investment I’m working on is even better–
ANDREW: (to Trent) Excuse me.
Andrew leaves and drifts over to Robert’s group.
Trent grinds his teeth, then sees URSULA (25), svelte and aloof, pass nearby. He strides toward her… and closer to Robert.
TRENT: (calls out) Ursula!
Robert watching, Ursula sees Trent, and pivots away, head held high.
Robert smiles smugly. Trent with forced smile approaches Robert. Guilt and worry spreads over Robert’s face.
TRENT: Hey, Robert!
ROBERT: Hey, Trent! I didn’t know you were coming.
Robert leaves his group with a smile and wave, to speak with Trent alone. John on the verandah looks displeased.
TRENT: You mean, I wasn’t invited. (off Robert’s blank face) I came as Lucille’s guest.
ROBERT: The Dame Lucille Henshaw?! When will you give it up?
TRENT: I don’t scam, if that’s what you mean. People, especially the rich, want to make more money. They find my investments attractive. I’m a broker of sorts.
ROBERT: Only because you’re associated with us and people think you’re rich and successful. (off Trent’s rising hackles) And you could be, Trent. You’re smart. (sigh) So you’re here… I guess to get clients for your next adventure, or should I say misadventure.
TRENT: No, I came to celebrate your granddad’s birthday.
ROBERT: You mean, our granddad.
TRENT: Maybe step-granddad, but he doesn’t even think that. (hard) But, hey, you guys are the only family I have now.
ROBERT: (soothing) And you’re my big brother I could never measure up to. I mean, in school, in smarts. Granddad even said he wished I’d be more like you.
TRENT: Must have been years ago.
ROBERT: Yeh, when I flunked algebra.
Robert forces a laugh, but not Trent.
TRENT: Anyway, I owe the old coot for providing a couple of contacts when I started out… and helping with my mother’s funeral… I want you to see the great gift I have for him.
Trent, cunning smile.
ROBERT: So, where’s this great gift?
TRENT: In the tack room.
They head toward the tack room.
TRENT: Of course, it wasn’t anything like your mom’s funeral.
ROBERT: Mom’s his only child.
TRENT: Yes, of course, I just meant he was generous to provide the box for my mom, since our dad doesn’t have control over funds or anything.
ROBERT: And Dad… had issues with your mom.
TRENT: (grits his teeth) Not of your doing, of course… But, hey, that’s all over now.
Robert waves and smiles at SOME GUESTS.
ROBERT: (expecting a flare up) So, you’re not upset about Ursula?
TRENT: (shrugs) Why should I be? She’s too high and mighty for me. Good she backed out of our engagement, so I wouldn’t have to.
ROBERT: I was worried you may have taken it hard. (not really)
TRENT: Why are you so concerned all of a sudden about my life? You never even return my calls.
Robert gets a guilty look as they open the door to the tack room.
INT. THE TACK ROOM – DAY
Full of expensive tack, fancy English and Western saddles on racks, tools, a scythe. Ranch hand George hears THE DOOR OPEN and hides with his bottle beside a large armoire near the back corner.
Robert looks around in a quick eye-search without seeing George, then turns to Trent.
ROBERT: So, where’s the gift?
TRENT: I’ll show you in a minute. First I want to know why you told Ursula I had cheated your grandfather and my business associates.
ROBERT: I didn’t–
TRENT: She told me you did. And you know I didn’t cheat them. Those were legitimate business ventures that failed.
ROBERT: That’sss … a matter of opinion. I heard from Lindon–
TRENT: The liar. I’m ninety thousand dollars in the hole because someone — I suspect you — botched my latest deal with your vicious gossip.
ROBERT: (incredulous) You’re in the hole?! You mean your backers are in the hole! For their plot to buy up land around the ranch and cut off Granddad’s water rights. (beat) So you don’t really have a gift, you just wanted to–
TRENT: No, I do have a gift, a very special gift.
Trent shoves Robert, then swings a fist at him, smack on the face.
TRENT: A bloody nose on his sole beloved heir. For keeping me in the hole.
Robert, nose bloodied, comes back swinging. George remains out of their view.
ROBERT: You rotten cheat (continued punches and blows) Granddad said you’re no good.
The fight progresses to serious blows. George peeks. Robert sees him, gets distracted. Trent delivers a final blow that sends Robert across the room, stumbling into the scythe. Robert gives a LOUD YELP.
Trent is immobilized a second in horror. George goes stiff with palpitating fear flat against the wall next to the armoire. Then Trent rushes to Robert.
TRENT: Bobby. I didn’t mean–
He moves Robert, blood gushes from his side. He tries to stanch it with his hand. Robert moves a bit. He’s alive. Barely.
Trent rushes out to the
EXT. RANCH YARD – DAY
TRENT: Help! There’s been an accident! Robert’s hurt himself. We need a doctor.
Guests and John rush toward the tack room, looking past Trent. Trent whirls around, sees George, drunk and dazed, staggering out of the tack room. Trent’s expression turns to utter horror.
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Hi Lynn,
It’s fun to see all the ways this scene can be done. This is a good idea.
When John noted George sneaking off to the Tack room, it was a good set-up for us, the audience.
It was a little hard to envision Robert shaking hands greedily. But this might be a good opportunity to show gregarious and smooth. If his speech and mannerisms show him pumping people’s hands, laughing, and welcoming…we would then see a shift in his personality when WOMAN tells him what she heard about him spreading the cancer rumor.
You have done a good job of showing us Trent is into some failed business deals. I wasn’t sure about the conversation that started with, “Hey, Trent! I didn’t know you were coming.” If Trent were the black sheep and unwelcome, Granddad and/or Robert, might demand he leave or tell him if he hustled people at the party, he would be escorted off the premises, which would start an argument. I’m not sure that they would just assume he was getting clients for his next adventure (from their friends) and not try to make him stop.
I’m not sure that Trent would come to a huge, public party, with a plan (I have a present for you) to fight Robert. That sounds premeditated. So, a premeditated fight would mean maybe catching Robert coming from work, picking him up for a drink, and then taking him to some alley or abandoned place (which would change your scene). In this situation, Trent suspects Robert of ruining his relationship, so if a conversation escalates to an argument, and the argument gets hot, it would be a great time for Robert to ‘take this somewhere else’ to talk it out so that there isn’t a scene at his granddad’s party. Then that argument could escalate into a fight.
I really liked the suspense and intrigue of having someone in the back tack room. It did make me wonder if a drunk witness would be believable. Maybe a couple of teenagers sneaking back there to have a kiss might still give the audience intrigue and a better witness to the ‘accident’.
This is a fun scenario that you came up with. Looking forward to seeing it evolve.
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Lynn,
I’m with you. Working more character traits into the dialogue improves the writing.
It seems to me that showing the character traits in actions leads to better ideas for dialogue. And vice versa. Showing character traits via dialogue leads to better ideas for actions.
It is really gratifying to see this process bring results. Truly reason to celebrate! For me, I’m finally mowing my lawn. LOL
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Lynn, I love how this scene is progressing. Strong character traits, subtext, dialogue and interest techniques! I especially love how your fight isn’t “just a fight”, but actually furthers the storytelling/narrative towards a surprising ending! That’s very inventive!
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(Alfred Dunham) Scene Rewrite – Draft 4, QE6
What I learned is:
This can get a bit complicated, so I wrote bracketed notes to myself but still got confused and ended up in a dead-end box three times – so I also color-coded. Those, of course, would all be removed in the final draft.
SCENE: TRENT VS. ROBERT
INT. ROBERT’S YACHT – NIGHT
Trent’s alleged luxury yacht, APOGEE, cruises in international waters west of Catalina Island. [Trent: pretends to be wealthy][interesting setting]
GRAND SALON ANTEROOM
Sixteen well-dressed older men, ready for some apparent kinky, high-stakes gambling, cluster together and chat, smoke, and drink.
The room glistens – nothing has been left to chance.[Trent: meticulous]
Beautiful young girls pass out Cuban cigars and pour non-stop champagne – the good stuff.
Trent, forty-ish, enters with an arm around the curvy, high-profile, sex-kitten Miss Sheila Devine.
He stands at the entry to the Grand Salon and motions for silence
TRENT
You know the rules, you know the stakes, and here they are.
Sheila allows Trent’s hands to slide over her silk-covered body in a most provocative but unintrusive manner, and the men go wild. [Trent: aggressive]
Sheila smiles like a Cheshire Cat – turns, and raises her eyebrows to Trent.
Trent kisses her neck.
The men hoot, applaud, and salivate in approval. [Trent: needy]
TRENT
Do you like her? Trust me; she’s worth every penny.
Sheila kisses Trent in return, and he becomes even more animated.
TRENT
Play big and loose, and who knows Maybe you, too, can become a star. [Trent: needy]
Robert bursts into the anteroom. [surprise][twist]
His entrance is jarring but appears amicable.
Robert smiles and waves to everyone. [Robert: smooth]
ROBERT
(to Trent)
How come I wasn’t invited? Is my money not good here? [suspense]
(to Sheila – waves)
Hi Sheila.
Sheila’s smile falters – she gives a quick wave back. [hope/fear]
TRENT
You were invited.
ROBERT
No, I wasn’t.
TRENT
You weren’t?
ROBERT
No, I wasn’t. [intrigue]
TRENT
I don’t understand. What else can I say? Welcome.
Trent, however, looks perplexed.
ROBERT
Thank you, Trent. I suspected it was probably an unintentional oversight. So –.
There is a round of applause for Robert as Robert shakes hands. [Robert: gregarious]
During the uproar, Trent places a surreptitious little pat on Sheila’s well-rounded bottom, whispers —
TRENT
Get them inside, quick. [intrigue]
SHEILA
(waves wildly)
Follow me, boys.
Trent points at Robert and moves toward him.
The anteroom empties in seconds, leaving Trent and Robert alone and together.
Robert is still smiling — [Robert: smooth]
TRENT
This is a terrible mistake, Robert.
Robert takes Trent’s outstretched hand, and throws his free arm around Trent, laughing and smiling. [mislead]
TRENT
Can we talk about this?
ROBERT
Certainly. Sounds good to me. [mislead]
TRENT
Good. Follow me.
TRENT’S STATEROOM/OFFICE
TRENT
So what have you been up to, Robert??
ROBERT
Not much. [Robert: secretive] [mislead]
Trent offers Robert a chair.
ROBERT
Thanks, but I’d rather stand. I want to get back to the game – to see who wins.
Trent’s smile, like Sheila’s, collapses. [fear/uncer†ainty]
TRENT
I’m afraid I don’t understand.
ROBERT
You wouldn’t. You never do.
What’s that supposed to mean?
ROBERT
Cut the crap, Trent. I’m a businessman. I know what you’ve done. It’s an old trick – it’s called how to fleece the unsuspecting. Do you think I’m that stupid? I resent that. [Robert: low self-esteem].
TRENT
I can explain.
ROBERT
No, you can’t, you horny bastard. The Trent I know doesn’t make mistakes. [Trent: meticulous]
TRENT
Okay. So you know. It’s too late, anyway. Your Shelia and I —
Robert laughs himself double.
ROBERT
Sheila and you –? That’s funny.
TRENT
Hard to believe?
ROBERT
How about impossible? You’ve been played, you twit. [major twist]
TRENT
Sheila? [betrayal]
ROBERT
Who do you think helped me set this up? I’ve been telling those men what you are, for a long time. They all know this is a sham. [Robert: gossip] [betrayal]
TRENT
You’ll regret this.
Trent lands a withering blow to Robert’s face. [character changes] [surprise]
Robert falls to the floor – holds his face in pain.
TRENT
You filthy frauds. I’ll kill both of you.
ROBERT
(smiling)
No, you won’t. You’re a coward, to boot. What kind of needy pig tries to fleece his friends?
Robert has managed to get back up on his feet.
Trent attempts to take another swing at Robert, but Robert ducks and flattens Trent instead.
ROBERT
(under his breath)
I’ve been waiting to do that for a long time. [reveal]
Robert sticks his head out the door and yells —
ROBERT
Sheila?
Sheila comes running with two security men.
GRAND SALON
Security drags Trent’s limp body by the feet into the room.
Robert, bruised and bleeding, follows with Sheila.
Sheila clings to Robert in adoration.
ROBERT
(to the men in the room)
Here’s your evidence. Gossip or truth? It’s sometimes hard to tell the difference. Ask Sheila.
Sixteen well-dressed men applaud.
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Alfred Gene,
I tended to go back and forth between my outline, the character traits, and the interest technique. Because this is about learning the process, I also bracketed these components in my posting to make it easier for me to track.
I can see that doing this from the very beginning – even at the initial outline level – will improve my writing. I’m pulling apart my other scripts as I go through these lessons. So, I have 15 scripts to practice with in terms of comparisons and contrasts for what does and does not work in terms of my creative mastery. And I’m using the comments I make to everyone else’s postings because I am learning from each one.
This is giving me a lot of practice with very clear guidelines. So, I am bracketing all over the place in my postings and private endeavors to make the process we are learning transparent and explicit until it becomes more of a habit (subconscious).
I really like the improvements you made in this posting. I’m beginning to feel the genre.
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Alfred, great flow, interest techniques and character traits. When I read that line you wrote “The Trent I know doesn’t make mistakes.”, it kinda blew my mind. This is such a great way to add exposition AND characterization while also making it seem fresh. It’s a very tricky thing to accomplish, because it can easily sound like “blah blah blah let me tell you a bunch of dense information about that guy and dump some exposition on you”, but you made it sound so natural and even intriguing!
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Leah Max Interest Part 1
Logline: Celebration becomes an ass-kicking.
Essence: Trent thrives on manipulating others for monetary gain; it’s payback time.
Interest Techniques: (I tried to use most of them, but not really sure if I actually convey them.)Back Room Scene [suspense]: In a dimly lit room, Robert, presses his ear against the door. His forehead breaks out in a sweat as he hears the mingle of celebratory music and happy voices. When the happy birthday song begins, his face turns ashen. When the song ends, his breath shortens. His eyes widen with fear when he hears one voice, Trent, thanking his guest. A woman’s well manicured hand cocks a gun, holds it at her side, but places her other hand on the back of Robert’s neck. It is Lydia, Trent’s wife. She whispers into Robert’s ear. [low self-esteem]
LYDIA [uncertainty/hope]: Do what he said . . . perform.
Robert continues listening through the door.
TRENT [intrigue]: Thank you. Everyone. Thanks. All of you. When I was young, I dreamed of giving to friends and family . . . never knew I’d be able to give so much. Yes, this is my birthday, but the surprise is how much I love each of you. Each of you have only added to my life. Humbly, your happiness is my joy. [He pretends he is wealthy to get people to do the things he wants – at their expense.]
Robert gives Lydia a nod. He quickly wipes his face and switches to a well practiced smile as he swings open the door. Robert steps his left foot through the doorway keeping his right foot concealed behind the wall by casually leaning in the doorway. [smooth]
ROBERT [surprise]: True! Everyone adds to his life! A kindness, a friendship . . . cash.
The birthday crowd chuckles along. Trent discretely locks eyes with Robert who seems to be relaxing into an amused attitude. [gregarious]
ROBERT: Feels like a natural dynamic tonight. Doesn’t it? He invites. We give!
Birthday crowd laughs aloud. Robert casually winks at Trent. [smooth]
ROBERT: But what are birthdays if not for payback? Mrs. Anderson, is this picture frame really department story or is it thrift store?
Robert is amused as shame creeps over Mrs. Anderson’s face as the crowd chortles.
ROBERT: Ah, my gift! A tie re-gifted from me after John re-gifted from Sean who re-gifted it from Susie. Hold on! Susie’s giving Sean ties? Now that’s a birthday surprise for any husband! Right, Norm!
As Robert points from the tie to John to Sean to Susie and to Susie’s husband, Norm, he is genuinely entertained to watch Susie and Norm exchange anxious glances under the pressure of all eyes on them.
NORM: Apparently I’m no tie picker. No one wants it!
Norm and Susie nervously laugh along with the crowd as if it is only a joke. [Robert loves creating gossip about other people and watching it take them down.]
ROBERT: Except Trent!
Crowd redirects laughter from the defaced couple to Trent who fake laughs with the rest as his jaw becomes clinched. [Robert is exposing Trent’s gifts to be cheap leftovers]
ROBERT: But enough friendly roasting. You’re the man of the hour. Hears to your happiness. Hears to true friendship!
TRENT [intrigue]: Wonderful surprise you are! Excuse me for a moment.
The room joins in with cheers and resumes festivities as Trent happily makes his way towards Robert. The door closes. Trent locks it. The chain secured from a post to Robert’s right ankle drags across the floor as he returns to the only chair in the room that is placed against the wall beneath a large decorative mirror.
TRENT [major twist]: Good show. Everyone saw him! [conspiring]
Trent grabs the gun and brushes past his wife who retreats to the corner.
ROBERT [uncertainty/hope]: I did what you asked. But then everyone does, don’t they? . . . You have a way out.
TRENT [uncertainly/fear]: No, you have a way out because you are my way in. [aggressive]
ROBERT [uncertainty/hope]: Buddy. I’m on your side. We’re friends. We’ve always been friends. Always. You don’t have to do this. [smooth]
Trent’s fists tighten and his face turns red. He leans pointing the gun into Robert’s face and hissing in a low whisper.
TRENT [character changes radically]: Not enough! Friends give! You’re gonna give! [aggressive]
Trent meticulously wipes the gun clean and places it in his suit pocket. He takes zips ties from his pant pocket and secures Robert’s ankles to the front legs of the chair. Lydia removes the shackle from Robert’s ankle and from around the post. She coils the chain in the corner. With a superior look, Trent pulls a pouch from his other suit pocket and drizzles a black powder in a circle on the floor around the chair. Robert intensely watches as the circle is fully completed. [meticulous]
ROBERT [suspense]: I hope you get want you want. What you deserve. If it all works out. [secretive]
Lydia and Robert exchange a clandestine glance before Lydia leaves the room. The door is locked. Trent takes a moment. Admiring his image in the mirror, he checks his hair and mustache. He straightens his expensive suit.
TRENT [suspense]: Oh, it will. And you’re gonna love the view. [conspiring]
ROBERT [suspense]: I only told you to warn you. To keep you safe. Keep you free. That’s all. No one should do this. [secretive]
Trent pulls a box from the corner and evenly places candles into the black powder. Excitedly, Trent lights the candles. Sitting on the floor outside the circle, Trent smiles menacingly up into Robert’s face. Robert is motionless. Trent strikes a match.
TRENT [betrayal]: What’s yours is now mine!
Trent ignites the black powder that begins burning its way around the circle counter-clockwise! A muffled screeching is heard as a black mist bulges from the mirror and descends as a thick fog to fill the room – everywhere except inside the circle where Robert is seated.
ROBERT [betrayal]: I am so sorry. [smooth]
The dark entities press Trent onto his back. Trent opens his mouth in terror, but not sound escapes. The black mist pours into Trent’s mouth and his body begins to rise from the floor. Trent’s body violently slams into the ceiling and then instantly dropped halfway down. Suspended in mid-air, Trent is bait for demons that now attack. Bones crack. Blood gushes from Trent’s eyes, mouth, nose, and ears. Robert averts his eyes and a smile of duper’s delight begins in the corners of his mouth. Robert watches the fire complete the circle and extinguish itself. No trace of the black powder remains. The room is silenced with Trent’s broken body still suspended above the floor. The only sound is Trent’s quiet, ragged breath.
ROBERT [surprise]: Release me!
The zip ties break. Robert calmly walks over to Trent.
ROBERT [major twist]: I now possess you. Body, soul, and all you took from me! [smooth, secretive]
Robert breaths in deeply. The dark midst wraps around Trent like a cloak of darkness and then flows into Robert’s mouth. Robert likes it. Trent’s body becomes ash that falls to the floor as his life’s essence is consumed. With a deeply satisfied swallow, Robert raises his hand and stirs the air above the ashes. The ash rises into a miniature cyclone. When all the ash is gathered, Robert flings it into the mirror. It is followed by the dark midst of demons that race back into the mirror after it.
The mirror ices over. Robert struts over in front of the mirror as the mirror quickly defrosts from top to bottom. Instead of Roberts reflection, battered and bruised Trent is looking out of the mirror in terror. Robert postures in mock apology.
ROBERT [surprise]: I am so sorry that you get what you intended for me. [secretive]
Robert places his hand on the center of the mirror. His body transforms into the perfect image of Trent. Robert winks and smiles at Trent who stares back in disbelief.
ROBERT [intrigue]: You’re gonna love the view. [smooth]
Robert takes a key from his pant pocket. He unlocks the door and leaves the back room to rejoin the birthday party. The door closes and is locked from the outside. Trent inside the mirror pounds his fist on the inside of the mirror in unbridled rage.
Hours later, party sounds diminish. All is quiet. The back door connecting the back room to the alley opens and an expensive car is seen with the trunk open. Robert, looking like Trent enters the room with a dark sheet. Robert places his hand in the center of the mirror and transforms back into the image of Robert. He is followed by Lydia.
ROBERT [uncertainty/fear]: How’d I do? [low self-esteem]
LYDIA [mislead/reveal]: Wonderfully.
Trent is stunned, but observant. Robert covers the mirror with the sheet and takes the mirror from off the wall while Trent’s wife returns the candles to the box along with the chain and zip ties leaving no evidence in the room. They carry the mirror and box to the trunk of the car. They close the trunk. They close the back door. The back door is locked. All that remains in the room is the chair.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by Leah Gunderson.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by Leah Gunderson.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by Leah Gunderson.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by Leah Gunderson.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by Leah Gunderson.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by Leah Gunderson.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by Leah Gunderson.
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Great scene! It totally gave a whole new meaning to the words “ass kicking” hahaha Well done!
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This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by
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Lynn’s Fight Scene, 3rd Draft
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that Hal’s and other critiques and scenes really helped me get into not only the character traits, but also the interest techniques.
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EXT. RANCH – DAY – ESTABLISHING
Arial view of a two-hundred-acre ranch in a green valley. Pastures, white fences, horses, a mansion and barn. Cars parked in a field, cars arriving near the mansion.
A huge party-dressed CROWD milling about the ranch yard near the mansion and barn.
EXT. RANCH YARD AND MANSION – DAY
The yard and wrap-around verandah of the mansion are decorated for a helluva celebration.
JOHN (80), the center of it, sits in an ornate chair on the verandah with a dominance smile. OTHERS fawn over him. It’s his 80th birthday. A multi-layered birthday cake on a table below the verandah awaits the ritual with “HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JOHN” on it.
A Benz arrives. The CHAFFUER slips out, opens the rear door as the ranch VALET slides into the driver’s seat. MARGOT FORTIER (71), a raging beauty in her youth, clothed in opulence, emerges from the car. From the other side emerges TRENT MORGAN (29), dressed to kill. The Valet drives the car away.
Trent search-looks, spots, and sours on ROBERT MORGAN (26)
TEN YARDS AWAY
the center of a CLIQUE OF FIVE. Robert greedily shaking hands with TWO MORE joining his clique.
A WOMAN (45) commandeers Robert and as he turns to her he sees Trent and Margot joining the bash in the distance. He frowns, then pastes a smile for the woman.
SOME OTHERS in his group also notice the arrival.
WOMAN: So what are your plans, Robert? For the estate?
Robert glances over at John on the verandah, then at Margot weaving slowly there, greeting WELL-WISHERS on the way. And then at Trent, headed in the opposite direction enter the TACK ROOM attached to the barn. Robert refocuses on the woman.
ROBERT: Granddad’s as healthy as a marathon runner.
WOMAN: That’s not what we heard, Robert. In fact, I think it was you who told Clarice about the terminal cancer… And people in the valley would like to know your plans for his estate.
His group looks at him expectantly.
ROBERT: (sly smile). I don’t plan ahead… But did you hear about Margot Fortier?
WOMAN: forever and ever.
ROBERT: No, something new. Seems she has a-a keep, I guess you’d call him.
A MAN in his group who also noticed Margot arrive with Trent speaks up.
MAN: Manstress? Yeh, that’s new. I guess you mean your brother, Trent, I surmise?
ROBERT: Half-brother and not the better half.
CHUCKLES.
WOMAN: A 70s-something woman! And so soon after her husband’s passing. (TSK)
Robert glance-frowns at Trent, who now exits the tack room and gets waylaid by ANDREW (40s).
TRENT AND ANDREW
Trent replies to the Andrew out of Robert’s earshot.
TRENT: Yes, Andrew, the Duchene Investment is still open, and the Water Project WAS a great idea. It took me a year to iron out the details. It was on it’s way to success, then someone, someone I know well (daggers at Robert) botched it. Lost a lot of money. But that’ll never happen again. Guaranteed.
Andrew notes Trent’s obvious implication of Robert and looks over at Robert. Then Trent and Robert exchange fake smiles and Robert waves Andrew to come join his group.
TRENT: (to Andrew) And my Duchene Investment is even better, more certain–
ANDREW: (to Trent) Excuse me.
Andrew leaves and drifts over to Robert’s group. Trent grinds his teeth.
ON THE VERANDAH
Margot greets John, who arises to give her a brief kiss. He’s all smiles for her, but shakes his head, amused when he sees his handsome but haggard ranch hand, GEORGE (41), sneak off into the TACK ROOM with a half full scotch bottle. Margot follows his line of vision and smiles.
MARGOT: George deserves a break. (turns to John) There’s an interesting new development, John…
TRENT
sees URSULA (25), svelte and aloof, pass near Robert’s group.
He strides toward her.
TRENT: (calls out) Ursula!
ROBERT watches Ursula pivot away from Trent, head held high, and smiles smugly.
Trent with forced smile approaches Robert, emotions conflicted.
Guilt and worry spreads over Robert’s face.
TRENT: Hey, Robert!
ROBERT: Hey, Trent! Didn’t expect you here.
TRENT: You mean, I wasn’t invited. (off Robert’s closed face) I came as Margot’s guest.
ROBERT: The Dame Margot Fortier. When will you give it up?
TRENT: I don’t scam, if that’s what you mean. People, especially the rich, want to make more money. They find my investments attractive. And I’m doing detective work for Margot. Pro bono.
ROBERT: Yeh, sure. But it’s only because you’re associated with us and people think you’re rich and successful. (off Trent’s rising anger) And you could be, Trent, with your law degree. You’re smart. (sigh) So you’re here… I guess to get clients for your next venture, or should I say misadventure.
TRENT: No, I came to celebrate your grandfather’s birthday.
ROBERT: You mean, our grandfather.
TRENT: Maybe step-grandfather, but he doesn’t even think that. (hard) But, hey, you guys are the only family I have now.
ROBERT: (soothing) And you’re my big brother I could never measure up to. In school, in smarts. Granddad even said he wished I’d be more like you.
TRENT: Must have been years ago.
ROBERT: Yeh, when I flunked algebra.
Robert forces A LAUGH, but not Trent.
TRENT: Well, I’m hoping we can be real brothers… Say, where’s our dear ole dad?
ROBERT: In town at the Shamrock, I guess.
TRENT: (TSKs) Stud service, then out to pasture. (sigh) Despite everything, I owe the old coot (head swing to John) for providing a loan for my education. I want you to see the great gift I have for him.
Trent, cunning smile.
ROBERT: So, where’s this great gift?
TRENT: In the tack room.
Robert waves and smiles at SOME GUESTS.
ROBERT: (expecting a flare up) So, you’re not upset about Ursula?
TRENT: (shrugs) Why should I be? She’s too high and mighty for me. Good she backed out of our engagement, so I didn’t have to.
ROBERT: I worried you may have taken it hard. (not really) Maybe it was because of Margot?
TRENT: Ursula broke off months before I started working for Margot. No, it was… just incompatibility. But why are you so concerned about my life all of a sudden? You never even return my calls.
Robert gets a guilty look as they open the door to the tack room.
INT. THE TACK ROOM – DAY
Full of expensive tack, saddles, tools, A SCYTHE. Ranch hand George hears THE DOOR OPEN, hides with his bottle beside a large armoire in the back corner shadow.
The two brothers enter. Robert gives the room a quick eye-search without seeing George, then turns to Trent.
ROBERT: So, where’s the gift?
TRENT: I’ll show you in a minute. First I want to know why you told Ursula I had cheated your grandfather and my business associates.
ROBERT: I didn’t–
TRENT: She told me you did. And you know I didn’t cheat them. Those were legitimate business ventures that failed.
ROBERT: That’sss … a matter of opinion. I heard from Lindon–
TRENT: The liar. I’m ninety thousand dollars in the hole because someone — I suspect you — botched my latest deal with your vicious gossip.
ROBERT: (incredulous) You’re in the hole?! You mean your backers are in the hole! (beat, soothing) Face it, Trent, you were only after Ursula’s money.
TRENT: (sneer-smiles) I love her, but money does help, just like dad going after your mom.
ROBERT: He loved her to the end! (beat, relents) So you don’t really have a gift, you just wanted to–
TRENT: No, I do have a gift. Two, actually. The first is from Margot. Good news, your grandpa has another grandson.
ROBERT: What the hell–
TRENT: Yeh, you know all that gossip about Margot, how she broke her leg, gave up ballet, came back home here? Got in trouble?
ROBERT: Yeh, with some ballet dude.
TRENT: That’s the only part you gossipers got wrong.
ROBERT: No way it could be granddad’s. There would have been paternity suits.
TRENT: Ever heard of discreet? That’s Margot. Plus she has her own estate. She gave the boy up for adoption and didn’t bother to find him until after her husband’s passing. Or rather until I brought it up a couple of weeks ago on the hunch those rumors were true. Surprise! They were, and she asked me to find her son.
ROBERT: And who is this welp supposed to be?
TRENT: Short story long. The Griffins–they had a small cabbage farm here–they adopted the boy. Anonymously.
George in hiding perks up.
TRENT (CONT’D): And because your dear ole grandpa bought them out, cheated them actually, they ended up working as ranch hands. Margot’s son followed that noble profession, but met with a deadly accident some years back.
George looks sad.
TRENT (CONT’D): However, his son, your cousin, is alive and well. He’s George, your ranch hand!
George, hiding next to the armoire, shifts, makes a MUTED SOUND.
Trent and Robert look over in that direction, but don’t see anything.
TRENT: Rats. They’re overrunning the estate! Or, should I say running it.
ROBERT: It’ll never hold up in court. The will is set.
TRENT: Margot will surely take care of him. Of course, it’d be great to see him get his claws into grandpa’s estate with you out on your but. But-but-but we need to get on with MY birthday gift.
Trent swings a fist at Robert, smack on the face.
TRENT: A bloody nose on his grandson, the bad one.
Robert, nose bloodied, comes back swinging. George remains out of their view.
ROBERT: You rotten cheat and liar. (punches continue) Granddad said you’re no good.
The fight progresses to serious blows. Robert starts to best Trent. George peeks. Robert sees him, gets distracted, as Trent delivers a heavy blow
that sends Robert stumbling backwards
into the scythe.
Robert gives a LOUD YELP.
Trent is immobilized in horror. George goes flat against the wall next to the armoire, stiff with palpitating fear. Then Trent rushes to Robert.
TRENT: Bobby. I didn’t mean–
He moves Robert, blood gushes from his side. He tries to stanch it with his hand. Robert moves a bit. He’s alive. Barely.
Trent rushes out to the
EXT. RANCH YARD – DAY
TRENT: Help! There’s been an accident! Robert’s hurt himself. We need a doctor.
Guests and John rush toward the tack room, looking past Trent. Trent whirls around, sees George, dazed, stagger out of the tack room. Trent’s expression turns to utter horror as if seeing a ghost.
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Lynn
This just keeps getting better. The first read I was thinking my way through the scene. On this round I am simply enjoying the visualization of the characters and setting. Big improvements.
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EXT. YACHT, LAKE MEAD, NEVADA — NIGHT
The enormous boat’s docked in a cove; craggy mountains stretch behind it, providing a postcard setting. The yacht’s packed with frat boys and sorority girls, livin’ la vida loca. An overworked, underappreciated bartender feverishly pours drinks.
Seated in chairs on the deck, TRENT and ROBERT competitively flirt with a beautiful BLONDE, sporting a sexy summer dress. Trent dons a $5,000 designer suit, flaunting his (alleged) wealth. All three drink cocktails, adding to their debauched state of drunkenness.
BLONDE: God, can’t believe it’s only six weeks away. I’m literally having panic attacks… so what’s the g-p after walkin’ the proverbial plank?
TRENT. Business school. Then, ya know, Master of the Universe. First mil by 30, bil by 40.
Picks lint off his suit jacket as Robert sips his rum & coke.
BLONDE: Enterprising. Bachelor numero dos?
ROBERT: What, like a profession? (the girl nods) Oh, only the most important job in the world…
Trent snorts loudly. The others gawk at him. Trent swigs his drink.
BLONDE: Care to elaborate, B-2?
ROBERT: Let’s just say I’m more about leaving a mark than, ya know, carbon footprints (Trent rolls his eyes). I think it’s all about giving back. Ya know? What you contribute to society.
BLONDE: Hmm. Impressive.
TRENT: Nah, fuck that. Know what’s impressive? Flyin’ to Ibiza in your Lear jet for the weekend- just because you can.
BLONDE: Well, damn. Wouldn’t turn that down.
Trent smirks at Robert, gaining the upper hand. Robert slouches his head.
ROBERT: Yeah, who am I kidding? All my idealism? Prob’ly be out on the street, begging for change… but I’ll have really cool signs, though- like, super creative. You’d cough up money, believe me.
The blonde smiles. Trent slugs down his drink.
TRENT (to blonde): Looks like you need a refill, darling.
BLONDE: Black cherry, por favor.
And polishes off her White Claw. Trent rises to his feet, straightening out his jacket. We glimpse a tag still on it; no doubt Trent plans on returning it after the soiree. Trent fiddles with his iPhone, then checks his pockets… a horrid look paints his face.
TRENT: Ah, shit. Musta left my… (to Robert) hook me up, bro. C’mon.
ROBERT: Maybe you’re the one who’ll be beggin’ for change. Won’t have as good a sign as me, though, promise.
Trent glares daggers at Robert as he fishes a crumpled twenty out of his pocket. Hands it to Trent, who immediately smooths it out.
ROBERT (to the blonde): See? Givin’ back already. It’s what I do.
Trent sets his iPhone on his chair, slaps in his AirPods and struts away. When he’s out of earshot-
ROBERT: Is it me or do ya think ‘Masters of the Universe’ should be able to buy their own drinks?
The blonde titters. Robert leans in, secretive. On the chair, we see that the iPhone is recording.
ROBERT: Can I tell you a secret?
Trent’s at the bar. AirPods in his ears, he can hear the conversation.
ROBERT: Don’t tell anyone, but… that dude ain’t got a pot to piss in.
BLONDE: Really?
ROBERT: Why anyone would piss in a pot, I don’t… like, why wouldn’t ya just go in the grass? I mean, why waste a good pot? (the blonde titters). It’s kinda sad, actually. His dad’s doin’ time.
BLONDE: Whoa! Seriously?
At the bar, Trent fumes as he gets his drinks.
ROBERT: Yeah, some money laundering thing… I dunno, a get-quick-rich scheme that went bad… the proverbial apple and the tree, huh?
BLONDE: ‘Proverbial?’ You stealin’ my words?
ROBERT: Well, you stole my heart- it’s only fair.
BLONDE: Ugh, want some vino with that cheese?
ROBERT: Hey, wanna get outta here, check out that trail? Looks kinda dope.
BLONDE: Uh, kinda waitin’ for my… ooh, there it is!
Trent swaggers over with his drink and a White Clam.
ROBERT: Ah, speak of the devil. Literally.
BLONDE (re: literally): Ugh, there ya go again- thief!
Trent suavely cracks open the Clam, hands it to the blonde.
TRENT: Here ya go, darling. (to Robert) Oh, hey- ran into Bowker at the bar. Wants a quick meeting, bros only. C’mon.
Against his will, Robert rises to his feet.
Trent (to the blonde): Be right back, darling. Don’t go leavin’ me now.
Robert: (to the blonde) Yeah, seriously. My heart would literally break.
Robert follows Trent toward the hull of the yacht… the blonde eyes them, put off by their neediness… just then, a DAPPER GUY sashays over to her, radiating confidence.
DAPPER GUY: Everything okay?
BLONDE: I guess.
DAPPER GUY: Dave Bowker. Nice to meet you.
And shakes hands with the smitten blonde. In the b.g, we hear the muted sounds of a fight inside the hull…. seconds later, Trent marches onto the deck, straightening his jacket. Checks to make sure there’s no stains on it.
He treks toward the blonde, but she’s gone. In the distance, we see her and Bowker hiking up the trail, talking and laughing.
Trent sighs, guzzling his drink. Looks around for his next target… Robert staggers out of the hull, bruised and battered, searching for the girl… seeing her with Bowker, he sighs and tramps to the bar. Bested, once again.
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David, fantastic dialogue! So many interest techniques and core traits coming through! You make spoken words sound so natural, that’s truly a rare talent!
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<div>
</div>David,
Such a fun scene. I could see each character in my mind.
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Unless I’m mistaken, I think we’re supposed to post the final rewrite under forum/lesson 7, in order to exchange more detailed critique with anyone interested. So that’s where I put mine! Feel free to hit me up, if you wanna trade!
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Yeah, let’s do it! I’ll post mine in 7 & thanks for the kind words. I know yours is terrific; I’ll give feedback in 7 (though not much to give).
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Awesome! I’ll read yours there again, and I will “strain my brain” to find even more constructive things to say, if I can come up with anything remotely resembling a critique! hahahaha
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INT. Sally’s Bar & Grill – Early Evening
Ranch raised cowboys crowd into the bar. Reliving the days rodeo events and mishaps, the noise grows loud, drowning out “Stand By Your Man” blaring from the juke box.
Sally, a vivacious woman of a certain age and Sunny, soon to be middle aged, rush cans and bottles of beer to the cowboys seated and standing beside the bar stools and the only table.
Trent Kenner (26) and Robert Painter (25) enter. Robert proceeds down the row at the bar, greeting each one. Trent, his head held high, sees his friends Trigg (23) and Casey (19) wave. He sits in the chair they have saved for him.
While Sunny fills out the bar tabs, Sally hustles to the table.
SALLY: What can I get for ya’all? Another round?
TRIGG: You betcha’.
SALLY: Trent?
TRENT: A Bud is fine for me.
Trent sees Robert is on his way to the table.
TRENT: A Bud for Robert too.
ROBERT:(in a child like voice) I’m a big boy now. I can order all by myself.
TRENT: (Dismissive)Whatever.
Robert sits in the other saved chair. He glares at Trent.
ROBERT: Damn it. I hate it when he does that.
Robert turns to Trigg.
ROBERT: Hey, ole Casey won the bull ridin’ today. He’s rollin’ in dough. I say he oughta’ buy a round.
TRIGG: Good idea!
TRENT: He’ll do no such thing. He needs to save his pennies for college. Ain’t that right, college boy.
Trent stands on his chair and waves his hands to get everyone’s attention. All eyes are on him.
TRENT: Sally, the next round for the entire house is on me. Just put it on my tab.
The cowboys cheer. Trent gloats, basking in the attention.
SALLY: (Yells) Are you sure?
TRENT (snaps) I said so, didn’t I.
A homely high school age girl wearing tight wranglers and bracelets that jingle, walks past Trent.
TRENT: Hey, college boy. She your squeeze?
CASEY: Nope. Ain’t got no girlfriend.
Trent walks behind the girl, swaying his hips, mocking her. He glances back making sure he is being seen. The cowboys guffaw.
ROBERT leans in to Casey and Trigg.
ROBERT: I don’t know if it’s true, but Trent’s last girlfriend told me he is double gaited.
Trigg chokes on his beer and sprays all over the table. He slowly regains his composure.
CASEY: I don’t get it.
TRIGG: Trent’s girlfriend said he likes both guys and gals.
CASEY: Na. Geez! It can’t be true. Can it?
ROBERT: I, myself, haven’t seen any direct evidence, but girls are sensitive to things like that, you know.
Trent returns. Takes a swig of his beer. His arm rests on the table and comes up wet.
TRENT: Yuk! Who spilt beer all over the table? That’s just like a bunch of hillbillies.
TRENT (shouts) Bar rag!
A bar rag come flying across the room and lands on the table. Trent wipes down the whole table. Throws the bar rag toward the bar. It lands on Dan Jenkins (30) who turns around.
DAN: Trent, you do that?
TRENT: Nope. I wouldn’t do such a despicable thing.
ROBERT: Like hell you wouldn’t.
CASEY: (to Trent & Robert) You two could pass for twins. Are you brothers?
TRENT: Nope. Just kissin’ cousins!
Trent leans to Robert and makes kissing sounds near his cheek. Trent laughs. Trigg and Casey are repulsed.
Dan moves to the open door.
DAN: Man, oh man. Look at that rig!
Several cowboys crowd the door way, mesmerized.
ROBERT: Holy smokes! I’ve never seen a trailer as fancy as that!
TRENT: I’ve been thinkin’ about gettin’ one of those. Haulers, they call ‘em.
The cowboys return to their drinking as the driver heads toward the bar.
A tall, lean and lanky man with weathered features enters wearing a straw western hat, a t-shirt and alligator boots. He stands at the bar and gives Sunny a “to go” order.
Most of the cowboys fall silent in the presence of the stranger. Some stare at him, others talk in low tones. Robert remains with the cowboys at the bar.
ROBERT: Howdy stranger. I’m Robert and this here is my friend, Dan. You gotta’ name?
Robert and Dan hold out their hands. The stranger accepts their handshake.
STRANGER: I’m Viggo Mortensen. I’m headed to Rapid City to deliver a paint horse named Hidalgo he bought from our outfit in Texas.
Robert and Dan don’t realize they are talking to someone famous.
DAN: Is that right?
ROBERT: What outfit you with?
VIGGO: The Seven Arrows. Ever heard of it?
ROBERT: Can’t say I have.
VIGGO: I’m a shareholder. Where’s the men’s room?
Dan points toward the restrooms.
DAN: All the way down the hall and hang a left. Can’t miss it.
Viggo leaves. Trent gets eye contact with Robert. He tips his head in the direction of the men’s room. Robert acknowledges in agreement.
Robert and Trent amble toward the bathroom. On the way Robert pats a friend on the back.
Kip (35) a stout built bullfighter with curly, red hair turns to Robert and Trent.
KIP: Howdy. What’s up with you two?
TRENT: Want to have some fun?
KIP: Why him?
TRENT: I don’t like his looks. Pretendin’ he’s rich and all. Ya know what I mean?
KIP: I’m gettin’ too old for this shit. (Pause) Okay. But this is the last time. You got it?
Kip follows Trent and Robert to the men’s room. The door closes behind them.
DAN: (To Sunny) There’s gonna be trouble. Three against one isn’t my idea of fair play. I hate it when they do that.
We hear loud banging on the walls, glass breaking and cursing.
SEVERAL BEATS
Viggo emerges from the men’s room, securing his hat on his head. He stops at the bar, picks up his food order, a six pack of Blue Moon and pays with a $50 bill.
Viggo: (to Sunny) Keep the change. For repairs.
Viggo exits. The 440 horse diesel roars in slow gear as it makes its way to the highway. Gears shift up as it gains speed westbound.
CASEY: That was a $65,000 Pete. Right here in Buffalo Flats!
Trent and Robert stumble out of the men’s room with shirts torn, blood spurting out their noses. They walk slowly, every step painful. Robert spits a tooth into his bloody handkerchief.
TRENT: Better call the ambulance for Kip.
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third pass
INT. AUCTION HOUSE AFTERNOON TUESDAY
Fleamarket vendors gather to bid on product at wholesale prices. ROBERT 65 has arrived wearing western wear. His cousin TRENT 45 arrives, as well and just wears a suit and tie when everyone else wears jeans and a t-shirt. They have separate boothes so they buy independent from each other. They inspect the product. It’s Robert’s birthday and a cake is brought in to celebrate. Robert talks to the auctioneer.
ROBERT
…Alice is a con artist. You shouldn’t even be selling to her.
AUCTIONEER
Really?
ROBERT
Yep, and so is Mark.
AUCTIONEER
Well, you would know.
Auctioneer whispers in his clerks ear.
AUCTIONEER
(whispering loudly)
Don’t sell to Alice or Mark.
Alice and Mark overhear the comments.
ALICE
What? Why can’t you sell to us?
Their eyes shoot daggers at Robert.
ROBERT
Because you’re as bad as Dr. Oz and Oprah.
MARK
What are you talking about?
ALICE
We like to help people lose weight. Unlike you who brought in donuts and a birthday cake today.
MARK
Can’t you please sell to us? Robert just made up the rumor that we are con artists. We are entrepreneurs that’s all.
AUCTIONEER
Sorry, but I’m not selling to you. Good day.
Robert sat with a smile on his face as Alice and Mark left the room.
AUCTIONEER
(to the crowd)
Okay, lets get started.
Trent and Robert take their seats on the metal chairs. We see items being held up to bid on.
Suddenly, Alice and Mark bring the cake and donuts out and laugh as they throw handfuls at Robert. He is covered in frosting. He hides in the bathroom to clean up. Alice and Mark go into the kitchen and wash up as well. Then Alice and Mark leave the building chuckling. The bidding is stalled as people clean up the mess. A few minutes later the bidding continues again.
Trent
John, go get me lunch please. I’ll pay you back.
JOHN
No. You never paid me back the last time.
TRENT
You want this relationship to work out? Then do it.
JOHN
I well I–
TRENT
–Fine, I’ll do it. But You’ll regret it.
JOHN
No, I’ll do it.
TRENT
Too late. I’m going.
They both start going to the kitchen then Trent stops and goes back to his chair. John comes back without food.
TRENT
What the…? Where’s my food.
JOHN
There’s either a dead man in the kitchen or he’s sleeping.
Trent walks to the kitchen to see if this man is dead. He goes into the kitchen and approaches the man. He checks for a pulse but can’t find one. He goes to tell Robert.
TRENT
Peter is dead in the kitchen.
ROBERT
Did you call 911 or security?
TRENT
Not yet. You could look at him.
ROBERT
You know I’m retired. Fine alright I’ll help.
Trent let him get by. Robert approached the security officer.
ROBERT
Follow me.
Robert walks to the kitchen with security officer. He examines the body. He gets a faint pluse.
ROBERT
Peter who did this to you?
PETER
Trrrrreeeennnnttt.
Peter dies in front of Robert.
ROBERT
(turning to the crowd)
Okay, everyone this is a crime scene.
He turns to the security man.
ROBERT
No one is allowed to leave this building until the police have secured it. Now call the police.
The officer makes the official call. Robert approaches Trent who is sitting on a metal chair.
ROBERT
When did you find out about Peter’s death.
TRENT
As soon as John told me.
ROBERT
Well, he wasn’t dead when you found him. Because I spoke to him after that.
The color drained from Trent’s face. He bolted out of the room pulling merchandise down behind him. Robert chases after him into a back room. This room had a door to the outside and Trent was grabbing the door knob and pulling the door open. Robert grabs Trent’s arm and twists it behind his back. Trent came around and punches Robert in the face knocking his glasses off. Robert let go of Trent for a second. Then Trent kicks him in the knee, but Robert doesn’t really feel it, basically a miss. Robert hits Trent with a baseball bat in packaging over and over. Trent falls to the floor and Robert sits on him until police arrive to arrest him.
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Brenda, Looks good. I think you meant Trent emerged out of the bathroom.
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Lynn, I really enjoyed this scene you have here.
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2ND PASS ON THIS SCENE
Lesson 5 Scene: Robert & Trent
What I learned is: Establishing the character traits before writing the scene helps add depth to the characters.
TRENT: Conspiring, aggressive, meticulous, needy
ROBERT: Smooth, secretive, gregarious, low self-esteem
Scene Arc: Trent and Robert reside in a German prisoner-of-war camp near the end of World War II. They celebrate the rumored imminent liberation of their POW camp, but doubt soon creeps in. What happened to the two men who recently tried to escape? Was the escapee an informer? Did someone set him up? Trent and Robert are soon at odds.
EXT. PRISON CAMP GROUNDS — DAY
Dark clouds but no rain. A small prison camp of about twenty barracks laid out in a long line. The grounds are uniform, manicured dirt. Barbed wire encloses the entire camp. A guard stands overwatch in a forty-foot tower near the double gate.
A couple of dozen prisoners-of-war lounge around outside their barracks. Their uniforms are so dirty and worn that rank and country of issue is unidentifiable. Four men toss around an old, weathered ball. They smile and shout encouragement.
TRENT, 30, reed thin, pronounced chin, slouches. He claps his hands together. A cigarette always tucked behind one ear, he behaves as if this is a summer camp for his amusement. He keeps his fingernails as clean as possible and his manner refined.
ROBERT, 20, also thin, with a scar along the back of his neck, dances and sings with BOURNE, 22, lanky and edgy, and DENTON, 40, a bull of a man with a pudgy face and small, beady eyes.
Their singing gets LOUDER and draws contemptuous looks from their German guards.
ROBERT
The war is over! The war is over! Adolf’s boys are marching in the wrong direction, hurrah, hurrah! Adolf’s boys are marching in the wrong direction, hurrah, hurrah!
TRENT
You goons and your rumors.
ROBERT
Cheer up, Moneybags. The camp’s going to be liberated any day now!
TRENT
When the war really is over, I’m going to come back here and just wallpaper right over Germany and use these Huns for the glue.
Robert bounces the ball on the ground.
ROBERT
Sure, Trent, you’re John D. Rockefeller. Just rolling in dough, that’s why you’re stuck here with the rest of us poor slobs.
TRENT
Did I tell you I know John D. personally?
ROBERT
Yeah, and Henry Ford, too.
TRENT
Johnny and I had a wager about whether or not America would enter the war. I told him we learned our lesson after the Great War. Then Pearl Harbor . . .
He tosses the ball to Bourne.
BOURNE
I can’t wait to get back home! Saturday nights with the dames! I’ll introduce you to some real fine honeys, Robert. You can have my hand-me-downs.
Robert blushes, looks away.
Bourne WHOOPS out loud and throws the ball to
Denton. The ball looks small in his meaty hands. He squeezes it, looks around.
DENTON
(grins)
Wilson must have made it! And if he escape, so can we!
TRENT
Wonder what happened to Murph.
Denton tosses the ball to Trent. Bourne looks at the ground. Robert locks eyes with Trent.
ROBERT
Someone ratted him out to the Krauts.
A GERMAN ARMY SERGEANT, tall, fat, sinister eyes, watches them carefully from twenty yards away. He scowls at them.
TRENT
(stares at Robert)
Someone who talks too much maybe.
Robert averts his eyes, looks around the camp.
ROBERT
I heard Wilson was an informer. He got Murph killed.
Denton squeezes the ball tighter. He mutters incoherently.
DENTON
Then Wilson didn’t really escape.
TRENT
Where did you hear that?
Robert shrugs, holds out his hands for the ball.
DENTON
(eyeing Robert)
I heard it, too. Someone said they saw him pass a note to a guard.
ROBERT
(to Trent)
You encouraged them to escape. Even came up with the plan.
Trent bounces the ball on the ground.
TRENT
I merely told them if they got help to us and I was freed, my family would reward them handsomely.
DENTON
If he was a fink, he’d tell the Krauts Trent planned the escape. They’d have done him like they done Murphy.
TRENT
If our boys are going to liberate the camp soon, like Robert claims, I have nothing to worry about.
A GERMAN CORPORAL, 22, tall and rigid, stops beside the Sergeant. They talk animatedly.
TRENT (CONT’D)
Maybe they bought your bullshit, Robert, and they’re going to just let us go before our boys overrun the camp.
ROBERT
Maybe if Wilson and Murphy hadn’t bought your bullshit, they’d be alive right now.
Trent glances at the two Germans, fingers the cigarette behind his ear.
The German Sergeant glances at Trent. He whispers to the Corporal.
The two Germans march over to the prisoners playing ball.
GERMAN SERGEANT
Game over. Back inside. Schnell.
The Corporal rges the men inside.
Trent casually COMBS his uhair, knocking the cigarette to the ground.
Just behind him, Robert STUMBLES and falls to his knees.
Trent, Bourne and Denton enter the barracks. Robert enters behind them and shuts the door.
INT. PRISON BARRACKS — DAY
Forty bunk beds, twenty each against the north and south walls.
Most of the beds are occupied with sick and emaciated men.
Trent and Robert stand at opposite sides of a small table.
TRENT
You think Wilson and Murphy are really dead?
ROBERT
You tell me.
Bourne stands at the door. Denton removes a long scrap of paper wedged into a crack in the wall. He peers out.
DENTON
The grounds crew is at it again.
Robert and Trent walks over to Denton. Standing on either side of him, they look out through the crack.
POV: The Sergeant, Corporal and two guards search the ground where they were playing ball.
DENTON
What the hell are they looking for?
ROBERT
A note dropped by their informer.
BOURNE
But Wilson escaped.
ROBERT
They’re not going to find it, Trent.
Robert holds up the dirty cigarette. Denton and Bourne close in.
Robert slowly unrolls the cigarette. Ersatz tobacco drops to the floor.
INSERT: Cigarette paper with tiny German handwriting.
Trent SHOVES Robert into Bourne, rushes to the door
Denton TACKLES HIM
Trent rolls over, shoves Denton back
Robert KICKS Trent in the face
Trent collapses
Denton runs to the door, opens it a crack
Robert GRABS Trent by the hair, turns him over and
SLAMS his face into the floor
ONCE — TWICE — THREE TIMES!
Bourne watches through the crack in the wall.
Robert rolls Trent over, straddles him and
STRANGLES him.
BOURNE
The guards!
Denton pulls Robert off Trent, tosses him aside –
Drags Trent to a bunk, heaves him onto it, turns him on his side, throws a threadbare blanket over him.
Robert and Bourne hurriedly sit, pick papers off the table and read.
Denton jumps into his own bed.
The barracks door OPENS
The Sergeant, the Corporal and two guards step in.
The Sergeant scans the room.
Robert and Bourne watch the Sergeant closely.
The Sergeant’s gaze falls on Trent.
Trent’s back is to him.
The Sergeant glances at Robert and Bourne.
ROBERT
Problem, Herr feldwebel?
The Sergeant walks over to Trent. He turns him over.
Trent’s face is a bloody pulp.
GERMAN SERGEANT
(German Subtitles)
Who did this?
TRENT
(choking)
Robert.
Trent’s eyes close. The Sergeant lifts Trent’s arm and checks his pulse.
The Sergeant’s EYES widen. He drops Trent’s lifeless arm, turns and points at Robert.
GERMAN SERGEANT
No one is coming to liberate the camp. No one is coming to save you.
GERMAN SERGEANT
(German Subtitles)
Take him!
The Corporal pulls Bourne away from the table.
The two guards lift Robert right out of his chair. They drag him out.
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DRAFT 2
INT. LOCAL SOCCER CLUB – NIGHT
The walls are covered with soccer memorabilia. A huge banner reads ‘LIONS 2023 CHAMPIONS.’ A party is in full swing. Loud music. Lots of loud people. Lots of drinking. At random moments, someone yells ‘Lions! Lions!’ Everybody responds in unison ‘Roar! Roar! Roar!’ Including Robert, 30, wearing a Lions soccer shirt, the centre of a noisy group at the bar.
Trent 35, an outlier in his crisp white business shirt and suit pants, taps Robert on the shoulder.
ROBERT
Hey, man, I was hoping you’d come.
A man hug.
TRENT
Think I’d miss this? I’m your biggest sponsor!
ROBERT
Hasn’t gone unnoticed , man .
He indicates a trio of guys wearing soccer shirts on the other side of the room. They raise their beer bottles to Trent and smile.
ROBERT
They wanted to show their appreciation in person, but I said no need.
TRENT
Well, if they want to-
ROBERT
Maybe later. Here, get this down you.
He hands Trent a beer.
TRENT
Cheers, Captain!
They clink bottles. Take big slugs. Robert guide Trent away from the bar. Pushes through the crowd. Has to yell to be heard.
ROBERT
Guess you didn’t bring the Ferrari? Been dying to see it!
TRENT
You kidding? To this? Next time, eh?
ROBERT
That’s what you said last time.
TRENT
Sorry, man. Got a lot on my mind.
ROBERT
Uh-huh. Let’s go in here.
He opens the door of a small room. A storeroom with miscellaneous soccer stuff and a makeshift desk. A lot less noisy.
ROBERT
That’s better. Say, er, you’ve got any news on my, you know-
TRENT
Like I told you, we got to ride the storm out. Be crazy to take a hit now. Bottom line, you pussy out, you pay for it. Do you want to do that?
ROBERT
No, but it’s just that the storm’s been going on a while, that’s all.
TRENT
Hey, am I the weather man?
ROBERT
No, no. Ha.
Robert’s phone rings. He answers.
ROBERT
Give me a minute.
He turns to Trent.
ROBERT
Sorry. Say, er…where’s Angie?
TRENT
She’s not coming.
ROBERT
She sick?
TRENT
She is leaving me.
ROBERT
You serious? What? Why?
TRENT
Some shit – said she’d heard I’d been seeing Jill again.
ROBERT
What? Married by-day-single-by-night Jill?
TRENT
Can you believe it?
ROBERT
You haven’t, have you?
TRENT
No fucking way.
ROBERT
You two were pretty close.
TRENT
Jesus! You sound just like her. Don’t know where this shit is coming from. She’s really pissed.
ROBERT
It’ll blow over. You two are always arguing.
TRENT
This is different. She’s serious. I can’t let her go man, can’t. I’m crazy about her. You know that. You gotta help me. Angie trusts you. Talk to her.
ROBERT
And say what?
TRENT
That it’s all shit! What’s that look for?
ROBERT
Just that people were talking about it, at a barbecue last week. About you and Jill.
TRENT
What?!
ROBERT
Yeah, I know, but with stuff like that, when someone lights the fuse, sometimes it’s hard to un-light.
TRENT
I’m going to un-light it, I’m telling you. I’m fucking gonna get her back!
ROBERT
Like I’ll get my money back.
TRENT
I told you, you have to wait.
ROBERT
Maybe we can’t.
TRENT
We?
ROBERT
Didn’t I tell you? It wasn’t just my money.
A knock on the door.
ROBERT
Come on in, boys.
The trio of soccer players from earlier come in. Look menacing.
ROBERT
It was theirs too.
Trent goes pale.
TRENT
Hey, we can sort this, guys?
SOCCER PLAYER
Sure.
ROBERT
You’re a fucking con man, Trent! A thief. A fake. Ferrari? My ass!
One soccer player grabs Trent by the shirt. Throws him against the wall. The other two punch him.
Robert adds a parting shot as he leaves them to it.
ROBERT
Oh, guess who let the fuse?
Robert exits the office. The commotion can be heard from outside. A woman hears it.
WOMAN
What’s going on in there?
ROBERT
Just a couple of guys having a kick around with Trent.
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Joy Geldard-Smith’s QE Cycle #1 Scene Rewrite
What I learned doing this assignment is… That’s it’s OK to do a crummy first draft because it’s easier to edit something that already exists. I can go back and make changes and elevate the quality. I still feel that this does need a couple more interest techniques, but we’re only on pass #1 so I’m going to ‘just keep swimming’.
Scene Arc: From celebration to ass kicking
Situation: Lured into a back room where he is beat up.
Outline: Robert has discovered that Trent is not as wealthy as he pretends to be.
Trent is celebrating getting investment in a property deal at a party on Robert’s boat, but Robert knows the truth. Robert takes over the celebrations, and Trent gets jealous because he needs the attention. Robert takes him to ‘get a special bottle’ to smooth things over, but tells him he knows. Trent gets aggressive and says there’s no evidence (meticulous) and Robert beats him up.
Changes to the set-up: Instead of being at a bar, it’s on Robert’s boat. A closed environment where there’s no room for escape. This also shows Robert flaunting his wealth as a sign of his low-self esteem.The influence he has because of his money means that people believe his gossip.
INT. VELVET TREE YACHT – NIGHT
A sophisticated bar on a superyacht. Conversation quietly humming over the noise of the engine and the soft jazz played by the house band.
ROBERT, the yacht’s owner weaves from table to table, powered by the knowledge that he is the richest person at the soiree. He is smooth and amiable – he knows the lives of everyone there – and tells himself that none of them would be here without him.
ROBERT
Jim and Pammy! Good to see you two together.
JIM and PAM look at each other, both wondering what Robert means as he walks on to the next table.
ROBERT
Kaitlyn! Mwah! Not here alone? I have someone you have to meet, come on.
Kaitlyn gets to her feet and they sweep past the still-confused couple, both waving.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
Don’t you think they belong together? I love a happy ending!
A small crowd of suits bursts the atmosphere with a festive, joyful noise, entering from the outside deck. At the centre is TRENT, feasting on their attention. He is meticulous, manipulative and doesn’t do well when pushed.
He heads to the bar and flags down the BARTENDER, who is serving someone else.
TRENT
Champagne!
A barked demand, not a request.
BARTENDER
One moment, sir.
The Bartender finishes up within seconds but has already pushed Trent’s buttons. He presents an unopened bottle to Trent.
BARTENDER
Champagne, sir? For everyone?
TRENT
If it’s not too much trouble.
The Bartender gets the drinks flowing. Trent checks himself and his company, and raises a full glass.
TRENT
(broadcasting)
To Trent Towers!
Robert sails over, navigating the clientele. He has a wave to ride.
ROBERT
We’re celebrating?
Trent raises his glass, eliciting a cheer from his group.
TRENT
Robert! Haven’t seen you since we shoved off. Thanks for the champagne!
ROBERT
I know you’ll feel free to drink me dry.
TRENT
Big news – we set the date to break ground on Trent Towers.
ROBERT
Full steam ahead, then?
TRENT
Choo, choo!
ROBERT
Then come with me. I know I’ve got a vintage bottle somewhere – and cigars, too!
TRENT
That’s not necessary.
SUIT 1
Why turn down free bubbly?
Robert riles Trent.
ROBERT
My thoughts exactly.
TRENT
We’d be insulting Robert. He’s already been generous enough to let us knock back his booze all night. It’s still bubbly, right?
Suit 1 shrugs.
ROBERT
It is a celebration, isn’t it?
(louder)
Everyone! A toast – to Trent Towers!
The guests raise their glasses as instructed. Trent blanches at his spotlight being stolen. He puts an arm around Robert.
TRENT
(to the room)
To my good friend, and all aboard the Velvet Tree!
A general murmur of agreement and clinking of glasses follows.
TRENT (CONT’D)
We’ll be running this city before long. We’ll be rich… well, richer!
Trent laughs, and glasses resound again.
ROBERT
Actually, Trent, could I have a word?
Robert’s tone is commanding. Trent tries to loom over him. Fails.
TRENT
Can’t it wait? We’re busy celebrating. Right?
Again, Trent controls his gang of business buddies, and they respond.
ROBERT
Let’s go find you that cigar.
TRENT
Honestly, you won’t let us celebrate the best deal of our lives without a smoke? If I didn’t like you so much, I’d run you out of business in a week!
Robert’s eyes dare him.
TRENT
Come on, then, your prime tobacco won’t smoke itself!
Robert stands behind Trent and leads him round the deck to a space below. It is cramped and lacks the luxury of the upper decks.
TRENT
Where are we?
Robert
Have a seat.
TRENT
What’s going on? I haven’t got time for this. I should be back with them.
ROBERT
You remember I have a sister, right?
TRENT
Okay.
Trent shrugs off this unimportant information.
ROBERT
She’s married. Uses a married name.
TRENT
Sure.
Another shrug.
TRENT (CONT’D)
What’s that got to do with cigars?
ROBERT
Her name is Fiona Pearson.
The dime drops.
TRENT
Mrs Pearson? From the equity fund?
Robert’s satisfaction with Trent’s response leaks out.
ROBERT
Mrs Pearson from the equity fund.
TRENT
(recovering)
Do you check on all her investments, then?
ROBERT
In a way. But I only speak up for her when things might go wrong.
TRENT
Nothing’s wrong.
Robert invades Trent’s personal space.
ROBERT
Nothing better go wrong. Not for her.
TRENT
We’re celebrating, everything’s sorted. Just gotta get the bricks up now.
A lump of a figure appears in the doorway. Robert nods, and the knot of muscle that makes up BAXTER lingers there.
ROBERT
I know.
TRENT
Nothing to know.
ROBERT
I know about Silverman’s affair. I know about Diaz and his recreational habit. I know what really happened to Wong’s Uncle. And I know about you.
TRENT
‘course you know me, we’ve known each other years!
ROBERT
I know about the gap.
Baxter takes a step inside the room.
TRENT
The gap? So? You can’t threaten me over that. Happens all the time.
ROBERT
I know everything about the gap.
Trent gets as serious as Robert is.
TRENT
I’ve got records. I know the size of that gap down to the penny, and it won’t affect anything, You can’t blackmail me.
ROBERT
No one is blackmailing anyone. I’m just looking out for my sister.
Baxter takes another step towards Trent, who is now on his feet.
TRENT
Look, whatever this is, it isn’t working. You can’t intimida-
Trent turns to go and realises they have not been alone.
TRENT
Who’s this?
ROBERT
Meet Baxter.
Baxter doesn’t offer a hand but piles a fist straight towards Trent’s gut. Then his ribs, then to his face, as Trent falls to the ground.
ROBERT
Just a warning, remember.
Robert leaves the room, as Baxter raises his fist again.
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“….it’s OK to do a crummy first draft because it’s easier to edit something that already exist…”
Hah! We all know THAT feeling!
And I must say … I think every ‘gal should adopt Robert for a big-brother. That fist at the end was unexpected, and an ominous (and realistic) message to the shyster, Trent.
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