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Lesson 6
Reply to post your assignment.
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17 Replies
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David’s Outline Improvements
What I learned from this assignment is the importance of having a tighly knit, well structred outline that incorporates the main character’s traits and story lines.
Improvements:
* added Charlie’s backstory of choosing sports over girls, bailed on his prom
* added Rangers fan speeding past cop, drunk, singing Fuck Philly, which causes the cop to go after him
* added smoke bombs catching Vic’s pants on fire
* added NVG fogging up ogling hot girl
* added tags expired on Vic’s car, adding tension
* added popping trunk accidentally showing the Cup
* added Charlie’s boss telling him to grow up
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<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Subject: Monica’s<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”> Outline Improvements
What I learned doing this assignment is to plug all the brainstorming ideas into the structure and hope I know how to plug them into the outline and then the script.
2. Go to the previous lessons where you completed each of these steps:
A. Deliver on the pitch.
NEW: An undercover cop infiltrates a human trafficking ring to discover her sister has been a willing participant and second in command of the human traffickers all these years.
B. Match your 4-Act structure.
Act 1:
Opening
Image: Victoria, Lizzie and her friends are enjoying a night out at a
club.<div>Inciting
Incident: Victoria leaves the
table. When she returns she witnesses Lizzie leaving the club with Jack.
Victoria races after them and chases them through the streets only to lose
them after her car breaks down. (NEW)Turning
Point: Victoria infiltrates Jack’s
human trafficking ring but ends up being arrested by the police after they
raid the club. We discover, who turns out to be Lizzie, in the shadows as
one of the traffickers. (NEW)Act 2:
New
plan: Victoria needs more
information about Jack.</div><div>Plan
in action: Breaks into his
hide-away – to steal information. Follows Jack. Interview the girls
rescued from the club.Midpoint
Turning Point: One of the girls is
murdered right in front of Victoria by Lizzie. Only Victoria arrests the
wrong girl. (NEW)Act 3:
Rethink
everything: Victoria knows that
Jack is responsible for Lizzie’s disappearance. Need to push Jack to make
a mistake. Victoria tries to discover who’s following her.</div><div>New
plan: Victoria travels with Jack to
procure more girls. Investigate the country clubs where girls are also
being trafficked. Robert holds a party with other society officials with
drugs, alcohol and rape of the trafficked girls. (NEW & TWIST) Serena
knows this is happening but doesn’t tell Victoria and Daniel. (NEW)Turning
Point: Huge failure / Major shift:
Jack suspects Victoria so he kidnaps her to add to the trafficked
girls. Only to discover she’s more than she appears and ends up beating
him up. This is where Victoria re-connects with Lizzie. The shock gets her
shot by Lizzie. (NEW &TWIST)Act 4:
Climax/Ultimate
expression of the conflict: Victoria goes back undercover for the big
party where the girls will be sold. But even in disguise Jack sees her and
decides to rid himself of Victoria. He takes her to his apartment where he
tortures her. But again she turns the tables and kills him with the last
bit of her strength. Showdown with Lizzie and Serena. (NEW)
Resolution:
The trafficking ring is destroyed. Lizzie is arrested by Victoria.
Victoria is recovering and now can have a relationship with Daniel as her
mission is accomplished.</div><div>C. Strong on Genre Conventions. Action Conventions – Check. Added some Thriller Conventions: Mystery/Intrigue/Suspense & Life & Death Situations.
D. The Characters Take Action from their Profiles. Added Lizzie.
A.
Name: Lizzie Williams (Victoria’s
(P) sister)
B.
Role in the Story: Supporting
Character to the Antagonist – she’s part of the human trafficking ring.
C.
Core Traits: Smart, flexible,
ruthless, greedy
D.
Motivation: Want/Need: Want – Money. Need – to be her own woman.
E.
Flaw/Wound: Flaw –Victoria. Wound – Betraying Victoria.
F.
Secret/Hidden Agenda: Secret – She was abused by an uncle. Hidden Agenda –
To get as much money as she can and start again somewhere far away.
G.
Internal Dilemma: Regrets losing Victoria’s love and support. But no one
rescued her from her uncle’s abuse so now people are going to pay.
H.
What makes this character perfect for their role in this story? Adds a
layer of conflict that Victoria doesn’t realize until she comes face to
face with her sister.A: Are there any parts of the profile that you could improve? Make her hesitate when she confronts Victoria.
B: Can this character fulfill their role in the story more effectively? She’s suffering from Stockholm syndrome and actually believes she was abused.
E.
Build in each Character’s Story Line. Check.</div><div>4. Tell us the improvements this made to your outline:
Lizzie is now a major player on the Antagonist’s side. She’s part of the human trafficking ring’s “management”.
Show how human trafficking is at all levels of society: government, church, military, etc. Goes much deeper than local officials. Through a cult-like sex party.
Show the victims in cages, being auctioned off, passed around.
Insert the basic categories of the action genre.
Insert elements of thriller, ie. life & death situations, mystery/intrigue/suspense.
Insert methods of cover-up.
Jack/Lizzie taunt Victoria via computer.
</div>
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6 Improvements to the outline June Fortunato
I’m rethinking the entire storyline. The piece was a short story, but I decided to adapt it using this class- feeling that my dated screenplays would need a complete rethink anyway-
What I learned is that this is writing from scratch and I’m often at a loss, but keep on with it. Hal’s advice to skip ahead when ‘stuck’ is helpful. Also the advice to tell myself, “I’ll get it.”
Improvements to the outline I’m following the structure points and that’s a helpful guide. I cut the first ‘act’ of my short story and started my script mid-story to make the inciting incident stronger, to highlight the protagonist’s feeling of abandonment and parent’s panic to get away. I’m also focusing on delivering the pitch and reworking the pitch as I go. I’m thinking hard about the protagonist’s desire line, and especially, about the opponent- who was undeveloped in the story.
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Pat Galbraith’s Outline Improvements
“What I learned doing this assignment is Villain’s character arc begins before the script begins.
Thrillers are driven by the villain, not all characters have an arc. Character profiles adds much more interest to the story. We get to know the characters better.
1. Pull out your outline from the start of the program.
2. Go to the previous lessons where you completed each of these steps:
A. Deliver on the pitch.
B. Match your 4-Act structure.
C. Strong on Genre Conventions.
D. The Characters Take Action
from their Profiles.
E. Build in each Character’s
Story Line.3. Compared the outline to each completed assignment and made improvements to the outline . Gave clarity on what my story is about and how it delivers powerfully on the pitch, genre conventions, 4-Act structure, character story lines, and the character profiles.
4. Tell us the improvements this made to your outline, but don’t include the outline, yet.
A. Gave all my characters an arc, gave more attention to what they want and need, made conventions stronger.
B. Added a new opening scene with villain threatening the city commissioner at gunpoint.
C. Made conventions stronger and more frightening.
D. Added some twists with characters going from ally to enemy.
E. Adding more emotion to scenes where necessary.
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Jacqueline’s Outline Improvements
What I learned doing this assignment is that this is that the more I understand my characters and their motivations the stronger my script becomes. The back story is well worth spending time on.
Outline improvements:
Re-worked the set-up scenes to better show protagonist’s life and main internal struggle
Introduced supporting characters where necessary to better show key points
Incorporated some interesting new characteristics into my love interest’s profile that improve the dynamic between him and the protagonist
Restructured Act 2 so it’s stronger and feels more real, based on characters taking action from their profiles.
So many little tweaks that came from this exercise!
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[Pro Rewrite] Lesson 6 – Assignment – Robert Daniel – Outline Improvements
What I learned doing this assignment is that this lesson will force you to think outside the box.
1. Pull out your outline from the start of the program. Made additions to my previous outline in RED.
2. Go to the previous lessons where you completed each of these steps:
· A. Deliver on the pitch. *Check
· B. Match your 4-Act structure. *Check
· C. Strong on Genre Conventions. * Check
· D. The Characters Take Action from their Profiles. * Check
· E. Build in each Character’s Story Line. * Check
3. Compare the outline to each completed assignment and make any improvements to the outline to honor your new vision.
Expanded several more Character’s Story Lines.
4. Tell us the improvements this made to your outline, but don’t include the outline, yet.
IMPROVEMENTS:
1. Added – More depth on Walters medical issues and drinking problem.
2. Added – Walters and McMann are involved in a brawl while drinking.
3. Added – A Seal Team members spilled the beans regarding Walters’s anger issues.
4. Added – Walters is told he suffers from PTSD and needs some medication and help. He’ll also need some counseling and cut down on his drinking.
5. Added – Commander Kang’s wife and two sons are murdered by the NK Secret Police for his atrocities against the State
6. Added – During Walters meeting on the deck of the Submarine he notices a sniper laser red dot moving from the NK Commander to himself. (Is Walters a target?) (Major Conflict.)
7. Added – While on board the sub for the negotiation round, Commander Kang kidnaps Agent Blake and holds her to enforce his demands (Major Conflict.)
8. Added – Scene changes on how to free Agent Blake. (Agent Blake may have to be sacrificed.)
9. Added – Scenes on board Submarine during the search for Agent Blake and the dismantling of the submarine.
10. Added – Walters frees Agent Blake.
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RE: “The Road Back” What I learned from this lesson was discovered a better order of elements to improve the outline and reach a key midpoint in this drama — a midpoint that was previously lacking. Deleted scenes and a particular tone that wasn’t staying true to the concept. This will always be a tough story to conform to all these conventions, but it is improving neverthess. The 1st and the 4th acts are short, but I am happy with them as strong opening and closings. Four acts though, nevertheless, that deliver on the Drama genre, and the Characters acting true to their profiles, fulfilling their story lines.
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Fran’s Outline Improvements
This still has a ways to go on the second part, but it’s still getting better and beter. It is beginning to give me chills.
Ilia’s Journey. PART ONE
Beginning: She is the daughter of King Numitor. She is happy and content just to be a princess in the kingdom of Alba Longa.
Inciting Incident: But war looms in the kingdom. Uncle Amulius usurps the throne of King Numitor, killing Ilia’s brothers and sentencing her to a life as a Vestal Virgin. If she breaks her vows to remain untouched, she will die.
Refusal of the Call/Turning Point 1: She will not remain. She plans her escape, but it fails. She is beaten severely and brought back to the Vestal convent where her cousin Antho and her father’s old manservant care for her wounds and nurses her back to health.
Quest into the New World: But Ilia refuses to stay and she will try to escape yet again when she is recovered and can find a way to do it. This time with the help of the gods she escapes. She finds her way to Mars’ temple near the Aventine Hill where she has learned her father resides. She tries to flee there, but stops to rest where she encounters the war god Mars. They fall madly in love with the help of Jupiter, Fortuna and Cupid. They make love and Ilia will conceive her first born twin, Romulus, through Mars.
Midpoint: Amulius after he discovers he’s been betrayed by Tezza and rapes her, he learns Ilia has escaped. He goes to bring her back and to punish her for her fleeing the Vestal convent, to ensure she doesn’t do it again, he rapes her. Antho and the old manservant have followed Amulius and learn what he has done. They take Ilia back to the convent to nurse her back to health. It’s a long haul, but nine months later she is well again, and she gives birth to twin sons, the first belonging to Mars, the second belonging to Amulius.
Turning Point 2: Days later, recovered and well again. Ilia plans yet another escape. This time with Antho’s and the old manservant’s help. Antho is also going to leave the convent for good, she says. She will not stay there any longer. She hates her father. She knows what he’s done. She even believes the boys are her little brothers. They plan their escape.
They make it to the Malatiosa Forest and the crossroads between the Palatine and Aventine Hills and the Land of the Sabines. There they part ways. Antho to the Palatine where she believes her father won’t look for her and Ilia to the Aventine to search out her father. But, though Antho has success in escaping her fate, Ilia does not. She is caught yet again and taken back in chains to be sentenced,
Dilemma: Amulius is finished with her and he must now get rid of his sons he believes he fathered with her. He sentences her to drowning in the Tiber River. She is to be thrown off a high cliff. And her sons are to be taken to the river as well and drowned. For his part in helping Ilia escape, the old manservant is sentenced to drown the twins. But as he watches Ilia being tossed into the river off the cliff, her hands bound, he cannot drown the boys. Instead, he wraps them in Ilia’s cloak, places them in a cradle and gently sends them down river where Mars’ wolves find them, and care for them for a time.
Conflict: Ilia struggles to live. With the help of the gods, Tiberinus the river god, unbinds her ropes so she can swim freely, but she has little strength and she is failing to save herself. She cries out for help. An older man with his nephew, Gracchus and Titus, hear Ilia’s cries for help and go to her rescue. Gracchus recognizes her and tells Titus they must hide her from her uncle. They give her a new name RHEA SILVIA and spirit her away to Cures, their city in the Land of the Sabines.
END OF PART ONE
PART TWO
Eighteen years later …
Beginning: The boys are now grown, handsome young men. The twins, Romulus and Remus are shepherds in the house of Faustulus and Larentia. They are happy, healthy, contented to be shepherds for now. They are bold, fearless, regal, but with a temper, Remus is a bit hotheaded, Romulus a little more level-headed. They believe only what they’ve been told about their birth. That they were foundlings. They do not know who their mother or father was (though Faustulus has a pretty good idea). Romulus is a hunter, provider. Remus has a mischievous heart and can get himself into much trouble with his friend Celeres. Celeres is the number one instigator, however.
Celeres is rich, spoiled, cunning like his father, Amulius. But a coward. He will turn his back on his friends on a dime. He is selfish and makes demands even of his father. His father does give in to him, even though Amulius knows he is not the son and heir he thought he should have in Celeres.
Ilia, now known in the Land of the Sabines as Rhea Silvia, is Gracchus’ wife. She is the matriarch of the Sabines and stepmother to the heir apparent to his late father’s throne, Titus, now also a grown and a handsome young man. She is also the mother of a young, beautiful, of marrying age, girl, SABINA. betrothed to Titus. Sabina will be queen of the Sabines one day. And Ilia also has a newborn, a son, NUMA, who will in the future become the second king of Rome after its founding. (But Ilia does not know that yet. Only the gods.)
Inciting Incident: There is war in the valley between the Palatine and Aventine Hills, the shepherds and cattlemen of the brothers fight. Numitor’s men have stolen cattle from Amulius’ men and sheep inretaliation for Amulius’ men’s many raids on their livestock–and Celeres’ help with the deeds. Now Amulius’ men fight to get their stolen cattle back. Celeres is the instigator yet again. Leading the fight with him is Remus. Remus is all too eager to help, thinking he is fighting for justice and fairness for his village.
Refusal of the Call: In the skirmish, Remus is captured and Celeres, the coward he is, escapes to live another day. Remus is taken to Numitor by the men of Numitor’s herdsmen and shepherds to be judged. But Numitor says he cannot judge. He cannot judge this boy or Celeres as the herdsmen wish because Amulius must be the one to judge. He is the king. The herdsmen tell Numitor Amulius is not their king. Numitor is their rightful. He always has been.
As a new treaty is being negotiated between Amulius and Gracchus, there is tension, distrust. Gracchus senses Amulius is not playing fair in the negotiations. (Amulius is the one who killed Titus’s father, Gracchus brother in an earlier war.) He is right. Amulius is plotting another war with the Sabines. He finds he wants their fertile lands–to expand his empire. And Celeres, who’s in love with Gracchus’s daughter, Sabina, adds his two cents into the negotiations. He tells his father, Gracchus he wants Sabina for his wife. Gacchus politely refuses, noting she is already betrothed to Titus. He thinks he is done with that–But he is NOT. He tells Titus as they return home to Cures, he sadly has learned what Amulius really wants with these new treaty negotiations. Not their land or goods–but Sabina!
Quest into the New World: Celeres, when Gracchus is gone, demands of his father, he wants Sabine for himself and he intends to get her one day or the other. Amulius is okay with that because he wants the Sabine land. He tells his son to be patient. He will kill two birds with one stone–in time. The right time. Amulius plans a war. They will both get what they want–in due time, if they are patient.
In the meantime, Faustulus has been badly hurt in the fracas and fears he is dying. He needs to tell Romulus and Remus the truth of their life, their existence now before it’s too late. But Remus has been taken hostage, unbeknownst to the villagers for the moment. Romulus is quickly summoned. Alone, he must hear the true story of their mother and what happened to her and them and is sworn to tell Remus the story if Faustulus does indeed die. Romulus has no problem with that. He hates Amulius and he swears vengeance upon the pretender king for his mother and the rightful king, his grandfather.
Gracchus has returned home to inform Ilia what her uncle intends for their daughter. She is horrified. She does NOT want to deal with her uncle ever again under ANY circumstances. But it looks like she has to. If there’s any chance to restore her father to the throne of Alba Longa, she will take it.
Turning Point 1: Romulus must now go find Remus, tell him the story of their true birth and heritage. He is sworn to it.
While Ilia and Gracchus get set for war with Amulius. And while Numitor deals with Remus. Numitor has a deja vu experience. The boy’s face is the spitting image of his daughter, Ilia. The resemblance is uncanny. He suddenly has the feeling this boy just might, indeed, be one of the grandson’s he thought he lost in the Tiber River long ago. He asks the boy questions. All Remus knows is that he was orphaned. he is a foundling and he and his brother were raised by Faustulus and Larentia. Numitor has pangs in his heart again–a brother? Remus says, yes, his twin brother.
Numitor’s suspicions are confirmed. But the men want a judgment. Numitor says he must be taken to Amulius. But he fears, Amulius could see it, too. The resemblance. Should he take that chance?
Antho enters. She sees Remus as he passes and sees the resemblance. Antho, goes to Numitor and asks, did he see it. Numitor says yes. He is certain of it. He is my grandson, Ilia’s son.
Midpoint: Remus is taken to Amulius, who, in his judgment, also sees the resemblance. It makes him think, is this my son with Ilia? He also questions the boys and finds that he likes him very much. A brave lad, strong, like the son he has alwasy wanted–and now has. He has always liked him–as his son’s companion, too. He wishes to get closer to Remus. Befriend him to the anger of Numitor’s men—and Celeres. Amulius releases him, pardons him. Tells him to join him at his court. The men are enraged even further. They vow to seek their own vengeance and plot to kidnap Remus again when the time is right–the LUPERCALIA CELEBRATION.
As soon as Remus leaves, Amulius tells his son Celeres what a sniveling, weak little coward he is. He’s not worthy to ascend the throne. Remus should have been his son. He orders his servants attending to take Celeres and plant him in his mother’s grave to rot there with her.
Celeres escapes before they can catch him and follow out their orders.
Amulius invades Sabine country, giving Gracchus an ultimatum. Sabina for his son, or desolation. Gracchus will not none of it! Except war. They fight. Gracchus is mortally wounded. As Titus tries to spirit Sabina away to safety, she sees her father murdered before their eyes by Amulius, stabbed with his knife. She runs to him before he dies. Amulius finally gets to see her and begins thinking to himself, such a prize should only be reserved for a king. A new plan. Amulius is going to take Sabina for himself to sire a new heir to his throne. Now Ilia must deal with her uncle AGAIN as Gracchus dies in Ilia’s arms. She swears vengeance on his dying breath and tells Sabina to run to her grandfather’s for safety. Amulius gives Ilia 24 hours to decide. Amulius also has a deja vu experience here. He feels he knows this Sabine woman. But Ilia has veiled her face from him and the years have hidden the rest from Amulius. Amulius takes his leave, but Ilia will not have it. She tells Titus and Emmrys, Gracchus’ once trusted right hand, she is going to war on Amulius. She is going to kill him herself before he does anything to hurt Sabina. She will not let that happen–upon her own death.
As Sabina runs to the Aventine Hill to be with Numitor, she and Remus meet as he is on his way home to the Palatine Hill. They are immediately smitten with each other–as Celeres in his flight sees their meeting and becomes jealous and vengeful of the two.
Turning Point 2 The Lupercalia celebration. Romulus and Remus are together tending to the flocks as the men celebrate the festival. It is a good time, Romulus says for him to tell Remus the story and does. But then they hear the bleating of one of the king’s prize lambs. Remus says he’s going to go take care of it. He’s reeling from the story as he seeks out the truth of it in his heart and the lamb. Numitor’s men have tied the animal up as a lure. And as Remus goes to rescue him, they pounce on the boy, tie him up in ropes and chains and haul him away.
Dilemma: Sabina returns home to tell her mother. She no longer wants to marry Titus. She has found another, a more wonderful, shepherd boy she wants to marry. He lives among Amulius’ men, frightening Ilia to the core. She will have none of it and tells Sabina she should not have returned. But it’s too late. Ilia has one of her handmaiden’s take Numa and leave with him to safety. As Amulius returns even more determined to get his way, he demands Ilia’s answer. She says no. He then tells her she really has little choice in the matter. An army is backing him. There are only two choices now left to her. You will hand over Sabina to me, or the remainder of your Sabine family will be killed. Along with you–giving her the feeling Amulius knows who she is. They fight. Sabina is taken hostage. As he leaves, Amulius tells Ilia he knows who she is and she will never see her daughter ever again.
Ilia vows revenge–to kill her uncle–to Titus and Emmrys, if that’s the last thing she ever does. There is no turning back now. They plan a war on Alba Longa.
Conflict: Celeres is back at the palace waiting for his father to return from the war when Numitor’s men bring Remus in as their hostage. In retaliation for his taking Sabina from him, he sentences Remus to death and tells the men to throw him in a cage below. They happily obey.
Climax: Romulus has been told Remus was taken to Numitor’s on the Aventine Hill. Faustulus, since recovered, urges Romulus to go there to fetch his brother. Numitor is a good man–and he is his grandfather. But Remus is not there. Numitor finally gets to see his other grandson, but he does not look like Ilia or Amulius. No one he knows in fact. Nevertheless, they must go save Remus. He was taken hostage again by the cattlemen. Numitor says he will be at the palace. Surely this time Amulius will kill him, if he knows who he is. He must also be told the truth of his true heritage. He looks somuch like your mother. Romulus tells his grandfather, he will take back Alba Longa for him and restore him to the throne–and his family.
Resolution: Romulus takes his rabble of cattlemen and Numitor’s to set Remus free and take back Alba Longa as Ilia and her Sabines along with Titus and Emmrys. NUMITOR GOES WITH ROMULUS.
As Amulius enters the city with the hostage, Sabina. He takes her to the cellars of the palace and puts her in the cage with Remus. They immediately cling to each other. Amulius sees it and retaliates. He gives her an ultimatum, You were betrothed to Titus. Celeres wanted you. And it’s apparent you want this one. But you have only this choice instead. You shall be my next queen–or the remainder of your family will be killed–along with you. You have two hours to decide! Amulius leaves.
Celeres has heard all, vowing to kill his father. He goes to the cage to taunt the two lovebirds also catching them in an embrace. He tells Remus he knows how his father favored Remus over him. No more, when he is king, Remus will die. And then he tells Sabina, you could have been queen. He vows to kill them both for their betrayal. Celeres calls Sabina a worthless whore and disappears vowing to return to carry out his promise.
MAJOR TWIST (ROADBLOCK): Romulus and his rabble have breached the city. Numitor thinks he knows where Remus might be. Ilia, too, approaches the city with her army, Titus, and Emmrys. Ilia thinks she knows where Amulius might be—and where he might be keeping Sabina. She believes the worst. They must find her before what happened to Tezza and her happens to Sabina. In her search for Sabina, Amulius has come to Ilia, confronts her, her army. Where is my daughter, she asks? She will not back down. He will die, she vows, if she is not returned immediately, safe and WHOLE. Amulius feigns defeat and tells Ilia he will take her to Sabina. He silently bids his men to follow. There, Ilia finds Sabina in the cage with Remus. Ilia feels/knows in her heart, somehow she has also found one of her twin sons. It shakes her greatly. Numitor enters with Romulus to find his daughter already confronting Amulius. It appears Amulius is surrounded. But he has one last maneuver up his sleeve. In desperation, he tells Ilia he knows who the boys are. They are his. But Ilia has some news for Amulius. She tells him what he does not know. She and Mars made love before he came to her and raped her. They are his, not Amulius’s. But Mars’ sons. Romulus and Remus hear all. Numitor whispers to Romulus Sabina is your sister. Amulius, in his zeal to escape strikes Ilia down, ripping Sabina from the cage. He forces her out as his hostage so that he might escape. Romulus and Remus move to free her. Amulius cries out if I cannot have her no one can! Quickly, he plunges his dagger into Sabina’s chest killing her. Dead before her eyes, in shock, Ilia takes the knife from her daughter’s chest and quickly thrusts it deep into Amulius’ heart. Celeres sees it all from his hiding place. He sees his father fall/die. Seeing his chance, he vows one day to return and take his place on the throne. He then disappears. Romulus and Remus retake the city and place Numitor back on the throne again to the great joy and cheers of the people.
Denouement: Days, months pass, in is sadness, his sorrow, Numitor recognizes his grandsons and asks them to stay that they may one day take the throne and rule when he dies. But they do not. They want to build their own city. Ilia, in her sadness, sorrow, say she is returning to the land of the Sabines to raise Numa, their little brother. She tells them, it was foretold to her, that one day I shall return and I shall have my sons sit on the throne of the greatest empire the world will ever know. They go on their separate ways. They go to the Palentine and Aventine to search for an omen to tell them what hill shall they build their new city upon and who will rule over it first. When they have their “signs” from the gods—but not without a lot of quarreling and bickering over who’s sign was THEE sign, they begin building their city of light on the Palatine Hill. But as they begin their construction, it is Remus who says in the building Romulus may be the older, but it is he who was sanctioned to rule it by the gods. HIS signs were the true signs. As they bicker and quarrel and fight some more over the city’s fresh wall, Celeres comes to fulfill his promise. He sees his chance and strikes down Remus dead only to run away again before he is caught. Celeres doesn’t get very far when Romulus, in his strength and temper and power, with the help of the gods, kills Celeres in retaliation for killing Remus. Jupiter looks on in the heavens, satisfied. Romulus mourns bitterly for his brother as Ilia comes to mourn the loss of him, too, and her family when she is given the news. What is left of it all now, but for Romulus to build Rome alone. And Numa, who will follow his brother on the throne when he is grown. Ilia returns to the land of the Sabines to care for her young son. Numa. Who is prophesied to reign at the side of Romulus in his new found city Rome. They were born in the shedding of blood and in the midst of a vestal fire’s glow. To, one day, build the eternal city, Rome.
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Fran’s Outline IMprovements
What I’ve learned; This still needs improving. But it keeps getting better and better. It’s starting to give me chills.
Ilia’s Journey. PART ONE
Beginning: She is the daughter of King Numitor. She is happy and content just to be a princess in the kingdom of Alba Longa.
Inciting Incident: But war looms in the kingdom. Uncle Amulius usurps the throne of King Numitor, killing Ilia’s brothers and sentencing her to a life as a Vestal Virgin. If she breaks her vows to remain untouched, she will die.
Refusal of the Call/Turning Point 1: She will not remain. She plans her escape, but it fails. She is beaten severely and brought back to the Vestal convent where her cousin Antho and her father’s old manservant care for her wounds and nurses her back to health.
Quest into the New World: But Ilia refuses to stay and she will try to escape yet again when she is recovered and can find a way to do it. This time with the help of the gods she escapes. She finds her way to Mars’ temple near the Aventine Hill where she has learned her father resides. She tries to flee there, but stops to rest where she encounters the war god Mars. They fall madly in love with the help of Jupiter, Fortuna and Cupid. They make love and Ilia will conceive her first born twin, Romulus, through Mars.
Midpoint: Amulius after he discovers he’s been betrayed by Tezza and rapes her, he learns Ilia has escaped. He goes to bring her back and to punish her for her fleeing the Vestal convent, to ensure she doesn’t do it again, he rapes her. Antho and the old manservant have followed Amulius and learn what he has done. They take Ilia back to the convent to nurse her back to health. It’s a long haul, but nine months later she is well again, and she gives birth to twin sons, the first belonging to Mars, the second belonging to Amulius.
Turning Point 2: Days later, recovered and well again. Ilia plans yet another escape. This time with Antho’s and the old manservant’s help. Antho is also going to leave the convent for good, she says. She will not stay there any longer. She hates her father. She knows what he’s done. She even believes the boys are her little brothers. They plan their escape.
They make it to the Malatiosa Forest and the crossroads between the Palatine and Aventine Hills and the Land of the Sabines. There they part ways. Antho to the Palatine where she believes her father won’t look for her and Ilia to the Aventine to search out her father. But, though Antho has success in escaping her fate, Ilia does not. She is caught yet again and taken back in chains to be sentenced,
Dilemma: Amulius is finished with her and he must now get rid of his sons he believes he fathered with her. He sentences her to drowning in the Tiber River. She is to be thrown off a high cliff. And her sons are to be taken to the river as well and drowned. For his part in helping Ilia escape, the old manservant is sentenced to drown the twins. But as he watches Ilia being tossed into the river off the cliff, her hands bound, he cannot drown the boys. Instead, he wraps them in Ilia’s cloak, places them in a cradle and gently sends them down river where Mars’ wolves find them, and care for them for a time.
Conflict: Ilia struggles to live. With the help of the gods, Tiberinus the river god, unbinds her ropes so she can swim freely, but she has little strength and she is failing to save herself. She cries out for help. An older man with his nephew, Gracchus and Titus, hear Ilia’s cries for help and go to her rescue. Gracchus recognizes her and tells Titus they must hide her from her uncle. They give her a new name RHEA SILVIA and spirit her away to Cures, their city in the Land of the Sabines.
END OF PART ONE
PART TWO
Eighteen years later …
Beginning: The boys are now grown, handsome young men. The twins, Romulus and Remus are shepherds in the house of Faustulus and Larentia. They are happy, healthy, contented to be shepherds for now. They are bold, fearless, regal, but with a temper, Remus is a bit hotheaded, Romulus a little more level-headed. They believe only what they’ve been told about their birth. That they were foundlings. They do not know who their mother or father was (though Faustulus has a pretty good idea). Romulus is a hunter, provider. Remus has a mischievous heart and can get himself into much trouble with his friend Celeres. Celeres is the number one instigator, however.
Celeres is rich, spoiled, cunning like his father, Amulius. But a coward. He will turn his back on his friends on a dime. He is selfish and makes demands even of his father. His father does give in to him, even though Amulius knows he is not the son and heir he thought he should have in Celeres.
Ilia, now known in the Land of the Sabines as Rhea Silvia, is Gracchus’ wife. She is the matriarch of the Sabines and stepmother to the heir apparent to his late father’s throne, Titus, now also a grown and a handsome young man. She is also the mother of a young, beautiful, of marrying age, girl, SABINA. betrothed to Titus. Sabina will be queen of the Sabines one day. And Ilia also has a newborn, a son, NUMA, who will in the future become the second king of Rome after its founding. (But Ilia does not know that yet. Only the gods.)
Inciting Incident: There is war in the valley between the Palatine and Aventine Hills, the shepherds and cattlemen of the brothers fight. Numitor’s men have stolen cattle from Amulius’ men and sheep inretaliation for Amulius’ men’s many raids on their livestock–and Celeres’ help with the deeds. Now Amulius’ men fight to get their stolen cattle back. Celeres is the instigator yet again. Leading the fight with him is Remus. Remus is all too eager to help, thinking he is fighting for justice and fairness for his village.
Refusal of the Call: In the skirmish, Remus is captured and Celeres, the coward he is, escapes to live another day. Remus is taken to Numitor by the men of Numitor’s herdsmen and shepherds to be judged. But Numitor says he cannot judge. He cannot judge this boy or Celeres as the herdsmen wish because Amulius must be the one to judge. He is the king. The herdsmen tell Numitor Amulius is not their king. Numitor is their rightful. He always has been.
As a new treaty is being negotiated between Amulius and Gracchus, there is tension, distrust. Gracchus senses Amulius is not playing fair in the negotiations. (Amulius is the one who killed Titus’s father, Gracchus brother in an earlier war.) He is right. Amulius is plotting another war with the Sabines. He finds he wants their fertile lands–to expand his empire. And Celeres, who’s in love with Gracchus’s daughter, Sabina, adds his two cents into the negotiations. He tells his father, Gracchus he wants Sabina for his wife. Gacchus politely refuses, noting she is already betrothed to Titus. He thinks he is done with that–But he is NOT. He tells Titus as they return home to Cures, he sadly has learned what Amulius really wants with these new treaty negotiations. Not their land or goods–but Sabina!
Quest into the New World: Celeres, when Gracchus is gone, demands of his father, he wants Sabine for himself and he intends to get her one day or the other. Amulius is okay with that because he wants the Sabine land. He tells his son to be patient. He will kill two birds with one stone–in time. The right time. Amulius plans a war. They will both get what they want–in due time, if they are patient.
In the meantime, Faustulus has been badly hurt in the fracas and fears he is dying. He needs to tell Romulus and Remus the truth of their life, their existence now before it’s too late. But Remus has been taken hostage, unbeknownst to the villagers for the moment. Romulus is quickly summoned. Alone, he must hear the true story of their mother and what happened to her and them and is sworn to tell Remus the story if Faustulus does indeed die. Romulus has no problem with that. He hates Amulius and he swears vengeance upon the pretender king for his mother and the rightful king, his grandfather.
Gracchus has returned home to inform Ilia what her uncle intends for their daughter. She is horrified. She does NOT want to deal with her uncle ever again under ANY circumstances. But it looks like she has to. If there’s any chance to restore her father to the throne of Alba Longa, she will take it.
Turning Point 1: Romulus must now go find Remus, tell him the story of their true birth and heritage. He is sworn to it.
While Ilia and Gracchus get set for war with Amulius. And while Numitor deals with Remus. Numitor has a deja vu experience. The boy’s face is the spitting image of his daughter, Ilia. The resemblance is uncanny. He suddenly has the feeling this boy just might, indeed, be one of the grandson’s he thought he lost in the Tiber River long ago. He asks the boy questions. All Remus knows is that he was orphaned. he is a foundling and he and his brother were raised by Faustulus and Larentia. Numitor has pangs in his heart again–a brother? Remus says, yes, his twin brother.
Numitor’s suspicions are confirmed. But the men want a judgment. Numitor says he must be taken to Amulius. But he fears, Amulius could see it, too. The resemblance. Should he take that chance?
Antho enters. She sees Remus as he passes and sees the resemblance. Antho, goes to Numitor and asks, did he see it. Numitor says yes. He is certain of it. He is my grandson, Ilia’s son.
Midpoint: Remus is taken to Amulius, who, in his judgment, also sees the resemblance. It makes him think, is this my son with Ilia? He also questions the boys and finds that he likes him very much. A brave lad, strong, like the son he has alwasy wanted–and now has. He has always liked him–as his son’s companion, too. He wishes to get closer to Remus. Befriend him to the anger of Numitor’s men—and Celeres. Amulius releases him, pardons him. Tells him to join him at his court. The men are enraged even further. They vow to seek their own vengeance and plot to kidnap Remus again when the time is right–the LUPERCALIA CELEBRATION.
As soon as Remus leaves, Amulius tells his son Celeres what a sniveling, weak little coward he is. He’s not worthy to ascend the throne. Remus should have been his son. He orders his servants attending to take Celeres and plant him in his mother’s grave to rot there with her.
Celeres escapes before they can catch him and follow out their orders.
Amulius invades Sabine country, giving Gracchus an ultimatum. Sabina for his son, or desolation. Gracchus will not none of it! Except war. They fight. Gracchus is mortally wounded. As Titus tries to spirit Sabina away to safety, she sees her father murdered before their eyes by Amulius, stabbed with his knife. She runs to him before he dies. Amulius finally gets to see her and begins thinking to himself, such a prize should only be reserved for a king. A new plan. Amulius is going to take Sabina for himself to sire a new heir to his throne. Now Ilia must deal with her uncle AGAIN as Gracchus dies in Ilia’s arms. She swears vengeance on his dying breath and tells Sabina to run to her grandfather’s for safety. Amulius gives Ilia 24 hours to decide. Amulius also has a deja vu experience here. He feels he knows this Sabine woman. But Ilia has veiled her face from him and the years have hidden the rest from Amulius. Amulius takes his leave, but Ilia will not have it. She tells Titus and Emmrys, Gracchus’ once trusted right hand, she is going to war on Amulius. She is going to kill him herself before he does anything to hurt Sabina. She will not let that happen–upon her own death.
As Sabina runs to the Aventine Hill to be with Numitor, she and Remus meet as he is on his way home to the Palatine Hill. They are immediately smitten with each other–as Celeres in his flight sees their meeting and becomes jealous and vengeful of the two.
Turning Point 2 The Lupercalia celebration. Romulus and Remus are together tending to the flocks as the men celebrate the festival. It is a good time, Romulus says for him to tell Remus the story and does. But then they hear the bleating of one of the king’s prize lambs. Remus says he’s going to go take care of it. He’s reeling from the story as he seeks out the truth of it in his heart and the lamb. Numitor’s men have tied the animal up as a lure. And as Remus goes to rescue him, they pounce on the boy, tie him up in ropes and chains and haul him away.
Dilemma: Sabina returns home to tell her mother. She no longer wants to marry Titus. She has found another, a more wonderful, shepherd boy she wants to marry. He lives among Amulius’ men, frightening Ilia to the core. She will have none of it and tells Sabina she should not have returned. But it’s too late. Ilia has one of her handmaiden’s take Numa and leave with him to safety. As Amulius returns even more determined to get his way, he demands Ilia’s answer. She says no. He then tells her she really has little choice in the matter. An army is backing him. There are only two choices now left to her. You will hand over Sabina to me, or the remainder of your Sabine family will be killed. Along with you–giving her the feeling Amulius knows who she is. They fight. Sabina is taken hostage. As he leaves, Amulius tells Ilia he knows who she is and she will never see her daughter ever again.
Ilia vows revenge–to kill her uncle–to Titus and Emmrys, if that’s the last thing she ever does. There is no turning back now. They plan a war on Alba Longa.
Conflict: Celeres is back at the palace waiting for his father to return from the war when Numitor’s men bring Remus in as their hostage. In retaliation for his taking Sabina from him, he sentences Remus to death and tells the men to throw him in a cage below. They happily obey.
Climax: Romulus has been told Remus was taken to Numitor’s on the Aventine Hill. Faustulus, since recovered, urges Romulus to go there to fetch his brother. Numitor is a good man–and he is his grandfather. But Remus is not there. Numitor finally gets to see his other grandson, but he does not look like Ilia or Amulius. No one he knows in fact. Nevertheless, they must go save Remus. He was taken hostage again by the cattlemen. Numitor says he will be at the palace. Surely this time Amulius will kill him, if he knows who he is. He must also be told the truth of his true heritage. He looks somuch like your mother. Romulus tells his grandfather, he will take back Alba Longa for him and restore him to the throne–and his family.
Resolution: Romulus takes his rabble of cattlemen and Numitor’s to set Remus free and take back Alba Longa as Ilia and her Sabines along with Titus and Emmrys. NUMITOR GOES WITH ROMULUS.
As Amulius enters the city with the hostage, Sabina. He takes her to the cellars of the palace and puts her in the cage with Remus. They immediately cling to each other. Amulius sees it and retaliates. He gives her an ultimatum, You were betrothed to Titus. Celeres wanted you. And it’s apparent you want this one. But you have only this choice instead. You shall be my next queen–or the remainder of your family will be killed–along with you. You have two hours to decide! Amulius leaves.
Celeres has heard all, vowing to kill his father. He goes to the cage to taunt the two lovebirds also catching them in an embrace. He tells Remus he knows how his father favored Remus over him. No more, when he is king, Remus will die. And then he tells Sabina, you could have been queen. He vows to kill them both for their betrayal. Celeres calls Sabina a worthless whore and disappears vowing to return to carry out his promise.
MAJOR TWIST (ROADBLOCK): Romulus and his rabble have breached the city. Numitor thinks he knows where Remus might be. Ilia, too, approaches the city with her army, Titus, and Emmrys. Ilia thinks she knows where Amulius might be—and where he might be keeping Sabina. She believes the worst. They must find her before what happened to Tezza and her happens to Sabina. In her search for Sabina, Amulius has come to Ilia, confronts her, her army. Where is my daughter, she asks? She will not back down. He will die, she vows, if she is not returned immediately, safe and WHOLE. Amulius feigns defeat and tells Ilia he will take her to Sabina. He silently bids his men to follow. There, Ilia finds Sabina in the cage with Remus. Ilia feels/knows in her heart, somehow she has also found one of her twin sons. It shakes her greatly. Numitor enters with Romulus to find his daughter already confronting Amulius. It appears Amulius is surrounded. But he has one last maneuver up his sleeve. In desperation, he tells Ilia he knows who the boys are. They are his. But Ilia has some news for Amulius. She tells him what he does not know. She and Mars made love before he came to her and raped her. They are his, not Amulius’s. But Mars’ sons. Romulus and Remus hear all. Numitor whispers to Romulus Sabina is your sister. Amulius, in his zeal to escape strikes Ilia down, ripping Sabina from the cage. He forces her out as his hostage so that he might escape. Romulus and Remus move to free her. Amulius cries out if I cannot have her no one can! Quickly, he plunges his dagger into Sabina’s chest killing her. Dead before her eyes, in shock, Ilia takes the knife from her daughter’s chest and quickly thrusts it deep into Amulius’ heart. Celeres sees it all from his hiding place. He sees his father fall/die. Seeing his chance, he vows one day to return and take his place on the throne. He then disappears. Romulus and Remus retake the city and place Numitor back on the throne again to the great joy and cheers of the people.
Denouement: Days, months pass, in is sadness, his sorrow, Numitor recognizes his grandsons and asks them to stay that they may one day take the throne and rule when he dies. But they do not. They want to build their own city. Ilia, in her sadness, sorrow, say she is returning to the land of the Sabines to raise Numa, their little brother. She tells them, it was foretold to her, that one day I shall return and I shall have my sons sit on the throne of the greatest empire the world will ever know. They go on their separate ways. They go to the Palentine and Aventine to search for an omen to tell them what hill shall they build their new city upon and who will rule over it first. When they have their “signs” from the gods—but not without a lot of quarreling and bickering over who’s sign was THEE sign, they begin building their city of light on the Palatine Hill. But as they begin their construction, it is Remus who says in the building Romulus may be the older, but it is he who was sanctioned to rule it by the gods. HIS signs were the true signs. As they bicker and quarrel and fight some more over the city’s fresh wall, Celeres comes to fulfill his promise. He sees his chance and strikes down Remus dead only to run away again before he is caught. Celeres doesn’t get very far when Romulus, in his strength and temper and power, with the help of the gods, kills Celeres in retaliation for killing Remus. Jupiter looks on in the heavens, satisfied. Romulus mourns bitterly for his brother as Ilia comes to mourn the loss of him, too, and her family when she is given the news. What is left of it all now, but for Romulus to build Rome alone. And Numa, who will follow his brother on the throne when he is grown. Ilia returns to the land of the Sabines to care for her young son. Numa. Who is prophesied to reign at the side of Romulus in his new found city Rome. They were born in the shedding of blood and in the midst of a vestal fire’s glow. To, one day, build the eternal city, Rome.
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Tracy’s Outline Improvements
I’m still working on this. I don’t feel that I have a strong midpoint yet that is actually a midpoint. It’s just another incident. Having three opponents with their own arcs hasn’t been resolved in their middle sections either. Not sure where every beat hits in the screenplay — I know where everyone starts and ends up, but there’s still a muddle to be worked out. Plus, this is a movie comedy, which I haven’t written before, coming from a dramedy tv show. I’ve been rereading the comedy class notes. I have way too many beats at this point!
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CJ’s Outline Improvements
WIL: Going through these really made me realize that I hadn’t delivered on all cylinders! Great way to figure out what I need to do and where!
ASSIGNMENT
1. Pull out your outline from the start of the program.
2. Go to the previous lessons where you completed each of these steps:
A. Deliver on the pitch. -check<div>
B. Match your 4-Act structure. – check
C. Strong on Genre Conventions. – check and listened to the audio pitch for class!
D. The Characters Take Action from their Profiles. – added!
E. Build in each Character’s Story Line. – check
3. Compare the outline to each completed assignment and make any improvements to the outline to honor your new vision.
4. Tell us the improvements this made to your outline, but don’t include the outline, yet.
I realized that I thought I was writing an ACTION / thriller but realized that I didn’t have near the high-octane action scenes I needed – so I took some time to really decide if I wanted to stay with “thriller” or go for the Action sequences – a perfect way to see where and how I wanted to add them and make sure they were meaningful and adding to the story.
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Melanie’s Outline Improvements
What I learned doing this lesson is that it is so much easier to make big changes when you are working from an outline instead of the script. It makes it easier to let go of parts that aren’t driving the story.
Improvements:
Made sure the conventions of rom-coms are all present and strong in the outline
Gave my antagonist a stronger story line that is no so influenced by the antagonist
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Connie’s Outline Improvements
What I learned doing this assignment… a script is never done and can always be improved even when we think we have done all that we can and there is always more to learn.
A. Deliver on the pitch (from Assignment #1)
Where is the pitch stronger than the outline? Actually, I think it is the other way around, so I need to ramp up the pitch.
Is there anything in this outline that goes against this pitch? Not that I have identified yet. Naturally there is more content of the story in the outline than the pitch.
Is there anything in the outline that could be elevated to match this pitch?
Here are the aspects I have identified that improve and/or clarify the story:
High Concept: A dance-obsessed divorcee craves love but has given up on it until her polar opposite cowboy with a bizarre occupation shows up as her new dance partner. (Showing Daisy’s dislike of cowboys and all things western strengthens the negative “cute-meet” & her bitchy, bossy character)
Main Conflict: Daisy’s meddling daddy struck a shady deal with Buck to be her partner which angers her when it is revealed. (Giving a bit more of why Daisy is so angry will ramp up the conflict. She feels that her dad is trying to run her life and she has done quite a good job of screwing it up on her own.)
Transformation Journey: After a bad marriage and many horrid dates, Daisy had given up on love but learns that it can still be a reality after 50. (Expressing more of how devastated Daisy is after getting a taste of love with Buck and then having it crushed would show her circuitous journey.)
Opposition: Randall, Daisy’s cheater ex is hellbent on getting her back and keeps interfering in her life. (Making Randall a stronger villain with more sneaky tricks up his sleeve will strengthen this antagonist role.)
B. Match your 4-Act Structure (from Assignment #2)
ü I added Buck mentioning that he, too is a widower when he meets with Frank and they make the deal, which I think needs to be established early on to make Buck’s character more vulnerable.
ü I have 2 midpoints as they impact characters differently. So, I need to address that issue.
ü I had a sub-plot idea that the guy who runs his motorcycle into Buck at the rally which prevents him from joining Daisy for the National Dance competition is actually a friend of Randall’s. This would make Randall a more sinister villain.
ü I am a bit conflicted about what my inciting incident is: Is it when buck and Frank make their deal about Buck covertly becoming Daisy’s new partner in exchange for Frank paying for all the penis pumps his male residents want. OR is it when Daisy’s longtime dance partner calls to tell her he has been transferred and can no longer be her partner???
C. Strong on genre conventions (from Assignment #3)
Ø I need to add the scene where Daisy and Buck have sex into the outline as it is a pivotal scene. I also want to add more weirdness to Buck’s leaving that night without a word while Daisy sleeps.
Ø Also at their next practice session, Daisy needs to be angrier about it and tells Buck that sleeping with him was a huge mistake which will ramp up the love journey.
Ø As far as the relationship set-up, Frank could mention some of Daisy’s negative qualities (bossy, nitpicky, etc.) to Buck when they meet to which Buck could comment. Plus, Daisy could share her distaste for cowboys and things western to her sister as they leave the assisted living community.
Ø For Buck’s issues, I think adding that he had a couple of drinks or smoked a joint before he took the wheel the night his wife was killed in a car crash. This would ramp up his guilt about her death and have him show that he d/n feel deserving of another chance at love.
Ø For separation, Randall and or Daisy’s sis, PT could play a bigger role in keeping Buck and Daisy apart.
Ø PT could be funnier in her negativity about love, dating, and relationships.
D. Characters take action from their profiles (from Assignment #4)
What would a bossy, controlling, insecure, romantic like Daisy do here?
1. In the opening, she would talk to her dog, the TV & her stalker ex about her determined goal to win the National Over 50 Dance Contest.
2. In the Inciting Incident, she would get angry and worried about the big competition being so close when her partner calls her to report that he’s been transferred across the country and can no longer be her partner.
3. In Act 2 she might fumble out of nervousness because she is attracted to her new cowboy, smartass partner.
4. In Act 3, she would be confused, hurt and annoyed about Buck leaving in the middle of the night after having sex with her and only leaving the word ‘sorry” on the white board in her kitchen.
What would a kind, funny, ethical, haunted person like Buck do here?
1. Should Buck be seen earlier in the story, before he meets with Frank and creates the deal with him?
2. In the turning point meeting with Frank, Buck is a smartalic which is in character.
3. In Act 2, Buck is funny, committed to upholding his end of the deal with Frank but questions if it is worth it to put up with Daisy’s bossy and controlling behavior.
4. In Act 3, when Buck misses the big contest in Dallas due to his injuries from the motorcycle accident, he is quilt-ridden and wants to make things right with Daisy. He tries everything possible to explain and get through to her but she blocks him.
E. Build in each character’s storyline (from Assignment #5)
v I feel that Daisy’s storyline plays well with some minor tweaks
v Buck needs more screen time and more of his backstory and transformation included. I need to show how he forgives himself and realizes he does deserve happiness and a second chance at love.
v Frank is also good with regard to his storyline playing out in Love Dance.
v Randall also needs work making him more of a villain and impediment to Daisy and Buck getting together.
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Susan’s Outline Improvements
What I learned doing this assignment: I have finally learned to let go of my feelings for my protagonist and by doing so, I could elevate the “thriller” side of the story, and in doing so, I think the outline is now better than the pitch?!
While staying true to the Protagonist(s)/Antagonist character profiles, the concept, and the genre, I have discovered that the weaker protagonist (displaying his weaknesses throughout) is merely presenting a ruse and he is the true ANTAGONIST. His father, the antagonist has taken responsibility for his son’s actions in an attempt to save the boy from himself and protect the rest of his family.
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Stuart’s Outline Improvements
What I learned from this assignment was the value of the steps leading to this outline revision. They helped give me needed objectivity with big picture (pitch, genre, plot points) and character storyline evaluation. This allowed me to be more creative.
Improvements:
1. stronger opening hook
2. condensed, tightened Act I
3. gave my protagonist, Wayne, more agency with Act I plot point sequence
4. elevated the dramatic stakes in Act II and III while tightening the acts
5. elevated the drama with strengthened storylines for Donna/Terry (wife and step son)
6. gave needed breathing room in Act IV
Looking forward to the next steps!
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Lori’s Outline Improvements
What I learned is to think of how each character’s storyline fits into the big-picture outline.
Improvements:
I believe my outline delivers on the pitch and the genre conventions. However, my four-act structure still needs some tweaking. I’ve improved my outline by adding more of my characters’ storylines.
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Elisabeth’s outline improvements
What I learned doing this assignment: It’s fun!
Improvements: Some aspects of my characters can lead deeper into mystery and intrigue. I can cross the borders I set.
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