Lesson 6

[Lora Sester]

Lora’s Outline Improvements

What I learned doing this assignment is that I can really strengthen my script by updating my outline before tackling the script itself. With a bird’s eye view, it’s much easier to reorder scenes and sequences and flesh out characters.

The changes I made include making it Gregs idea to adopt Lisette to make Kelly happy, having Lisette showcase her martial arts prowess earlier in the script, having the script build more and integrate the real world with the fantasy world. The challenge is going to be baking all these changes in.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  Lora Sester.

[Chris WIllis]

Chris’ Outline Improvements – Lesson 6

What I learned doing this assignment… Making improvements to my outline is a much more organic (less formal) process in my case. I use the outline I had prior to this class, a digital index card type of thing. Changes are generally made on the fly. I confess, I also tend to rewrite parts of scenes or create totally new scenes in response to the assignments, introducing new aspects of a character’s story line, increasing the emotionality of scenes, etc.. One significant change I made was moving a 1963 scene to the end of Act 2, where Lee Harvey Oswald points a rifle at Moses, cliffhanging us into Act 3.

In terms of delivering on the pitch. I felt I needed to elevate the pitch itself. Not only because of the lessons learned, but also based on a rethinking of the original concepts. I even changed the title to SAY HIS NAME. The pitch is stronger now.

Considering the conventions of drama yielded notes to elevate the emotionality of several scenes. For example, at Moses and Polly’s wedding Polly fears losing Moses if he goes to war, which is especially poignant for her after losing her redneck, white family when she chose to marry a black man.

I also raised the stakes for them for challenging her conviction for marrying interracially. And the stakes for their daughter regarding her choice whether to live her life as a black woman or white. After Moses prevents Kennedy from being assassinated, I have Polly talk about the stakes if he was killed, as in the civil rights legislation he has signed into law. Act 4 is all about the stakes if Moses dies at 14.

Outlining character profiles and story lines revealed a missing element in Bess, Moses’ daughter. While in one scene she experiences the negative side of passing for white (at an audition), I wanted to add a scene that (through subtext) showed the advantage to her of being white.

Also, when detailing story lines, I recognized that the antagonist’s story line is the story line of American racism. This is represented by story lines about anti-interracial marriage laws, what Moses thinks of being black and how white people treat him, and assorted incidents of life in Jim Crow Texas.

Also, taking a note from Syd Field, I describe what I call personality dimensions for each of the Kincaid family. For example; I describe Moses’ “personal side” (how he expresses himself when no one is listening), “family side” (his message to his wife and daughter), and his “social side” (the submissive behavior and language he uses around white people).

Improvements in my index card outline? Sure. Improvement in the ideas and concepts for the rewrite? Absolutely.

[Edward Etzkorn]

Ed Etzkorn’s Outline Improvements

What I learned: Build start of film with rapidly increasing urgency as well as deepened involvement of mom in the plot as well as more emphasis on the background and motivations of the entity.

Additions:

New scene to open film – twelve years ago – parents awaken to 2-year-old Azuri crying uncontrollably. Mom finds infant baby boy not breathing – crib death.

This affects mom’s relationship with Azuri for the rest of Azuri’s childhood. Thinks she has some preternatural ability, fears her, but feels she must be that much stricter.

Felicia’s (mom’s) background comes more to light-she doesn’t want Azuri to have a childhood like hers, with a mom who was psychologically unavailable to her and unable to satisfy her material or mental needs.

The entity (Clytemnestra) is more persistent and violent than in original script. Forces Azuri to look deeper and faster for information on who the entity is, builds up Azuri’s stress faster. This in turn increases demands on mom as well as Azuri’s best friend Lily.

The entity is forced to change her own programme of trying to rid the house of these living human interlopers.

[Douglas]

Lesson 6: Doug’s Outline Improvements

As a base line the lesson keeps me looking at and working to improve the structure and characters.

In the past, screenwriting I read books made a three Act structure sound easy. Over time I have added/used a linear sketch of the outline on graph paper. And new for this script I drew a diagram as to how all the characters, objects, events are related. Lesson: In the future I would use the tools from this class to shape up the script first vs looking back to repair, replace, and fix. This is a more efficient method and a time saver.

Improvements: I adjusted the outline structure and the wording to make the story more active. Additionally, I made changes to align characters more closely with their motivations and actions.

[Joan Butler]

I learned this is an effective way to make changes to my script.

I made 21 changes to my outline. I haven’t included them here because there were too many.

[Zenna Davis – Jones]

Zenna Davis-Jones Outline Improvements

What I learned during this assignment is that each characters intent helps to propel the story more clearly and helps to raise the stakes. I can strengthen my script and move around pieces to enhance the pitch, and clarify character motives.

The changes I made in this script was bringing the conversation about Nelly’s “suicide” to the beginning of act 1 (it was previously near the midpoint), that propels my protagonist to want to prove her innocence earlier on. I was also able to bring in a different main character, where he was first just following Colette around, now he’s a christian doctor who will be inspecting her for her mental health. The more I built up this 2nd to the antagonist, the more I was able to raise the stakes of her pursuing her goals in act 4.

[Margaret Doner]

Outline Improvements: What I learned is that in order to rewrite a script I must go back to my original outline and see which characters are underrepresented in their motivation and transitions. I also saw ways to strengthen the protagonist without compromising her transitional journey. I think the distance given by working through an outline can be very helpful to get some clarity on the overall path of the screenplay. I also eliminate superfluous scenes that only dragged down the screenplay.

[Zenna Davis – Jones]

Hey everyone! Quick question: since we’re following the 4 act structure for our outline, how are you putting in character story lines if they aren’t a part of the inciting incident or push to act 2 etc. Are you now expanding the outline so it’s not just the pointers we began with?

Zenna

[Deanne]

Good question, Zenna. I’ve been looking for opportunities to include hints and bits of character backstories in dialogue without regard to the backstory’s chronological order, comments a character might make that give a nod to past events that shaped their perspective.

Like “Yeah, I knew he was really interested in rock bands and wanted to join one. I just didn’t realize how much he wanted it.”

[William Curley]

Bill’s Core Elements. Learned” This was a valuable, I dare say required lesson. I went back to my script with bountiful new notes. My pitch is more direct and informative. “Stalked by a psychotic oil exec, a research professor must outsmart assasins, warn the President of climate Armegeddon. ” “Cane” is a combination of two genres, Sci fi and thriller. …. . I added dialogue in Act 1 to introduce my Antagonist much sooner along with other key characters to best snapshot their normal or old” ways before my Inciting Incident. Character profiles are now, after review of the complete screenplay, better matched to dialogue and action. I also added missing subtext as required. This rewrite class is essential for any screenplay project.

[James Hernandez]

Day 6:

James’ Outline Improvements

What I learned doing this assignment is the deeper revelations of layers in terms of story and characters. These revelations fleshed out the complete script, adding more details and nuances that weren’t included before.

The improvements were made to my characters’ depth in their storylines which added to the overall plot. The 4-act structure is now tighter including the beats of the improved storylines. All this gave rise to the supporting subplots which gives the script more depth and complexity.

[Deanne]

Lesson 6: Deanne’s Outline Improvements
What I learned = clarity on each lead character’s individual story line can be obtained outside of the outline and then plugged in piecemeal wherever appropriate.

A. Deliver on pitch: I got coverage from Coverfly on the current draft of my script to find out if I’m on track with the third act action sequence. My reviewer suggested changing te wording of the log-line from “burnt-out” rodeo manager to “restless” rodeo manager. After some thought, I’ve decided to use “discontented” rodeo manager for now.

B. Structure: I made plans to use more script space on underwritten plot points.

C. Genre: made plans to emphasize conventions and look for more opportunities to use jump scares for seasoning. (I think there are only two right now.)

D. Character actions: I reviewed to make sure characters aren’t acting out of character.

E. Character story lines: I added in a couple that were completely missing, and expanded another.

F. Plot clarity: I added a few brief scenes (no dialogue needed) to clarify movements of characters.

[Elizabeth Cochrell]

Elizabeth’s Outline Improvement.

What I learned from this exercise is that the two leads did not have much of a change of character so I added scenes:

I added moments that show how Rebecca worries too much about what people think of her.

Rebecca finally sticks up for herself and admits that Frank molested her when she was too ashamed to tell anybody before.

I also added a scene where Misha sits down and makes a business plan then goes to see the rich women to ask them for help on starting her women’s retreat, which she has never done before.

Also I needed to have Frank spoil Rebecca in front of Emily the antagonist and abuse her emotionally in order to justify Emily’s cruelty towards Rebecca while keeping Rebecca under house arrest.

[Jonathan Clark]

Jonathan Clark’s Outline Improvements

“What I learned doing this assignment is…?”

Character really does affect action and plot. This process has been making all the difference to my script and certainly to making the climax much stronger emotionally.

Improvements made to my outline:

A. Deliver on the pitch.

I’ve actually rewritten my pitch to better reflect the Drama conventions I need to be using, not just the Thriller conventions, which, I discovered, are actually secondary to the more emotional Drama ones. I’ve then made the focus of the script more evenly divided between the love story and the crime story, hopefully infusing each with the other.

B. Match your 4-Act structure.

This is a big one for this script, as I’ve done a major overhaul in the structure.

C. Strong on Genre Conventions.

Definite difference infusing the Drama conventions much more strongly now, more emotional.

D. The Characters Take Action from their Profiles/E. Build in each Character’s Story Line.

Had a huge breakthrough last night to do with the 2nd turning point and climax of the film, both of which were lying too flat in the original. By utilizing the character profiles/Story lines I’m now developing a much stronger/emotional through-line to the end with my action sequences, along with some paybacks to pipe laid in the First Act.