-
Lesson 6
Reply to post your assignment.
-
8 Replies
-
WIM Module 8: Lesson 6
Lenore Bechtel has incredible monologues
My vision: I want to create enough salable screenplays that an agent will want to market my work and recommend me for writing assignments.
What I learned from doing this assignment is the long monologes I wrote into my first draft, knowing good monologues are big actor attractors, needed improvement. I’ve tried to do that with tips learned about engaging banter, anticipatory dialogue, and subtext dialogue.
My first monologue happens in the first scene, when my three major characters, strangers to each other, are in line at a United ticket counter to find flights to Berlin. Libby’s flight from Honolulu didn’t make her connection in Chicago, Allison needs a flight starting in Chicago, and Freida’s flight from San Francisco didn’t make her connection. Libby is first in line, with Allison next behind her, and Freida behind Allison.
Here’s the scene with Libby’s rewritten monologue. The Male Ticket Agent has just told Libby all flights to Berlin have already departed, and she’s asked for a flight this night anyplace in Europe with a connection to Berlin.
TICKET AGENT
That’s probably not possible.
LIBBY
You must make it possible. Do you see that clock?
The Male Ticket Agent and FEMALE TICKET AGENT at the computer next to him both look behind them to the clock that reads 9:35. Both immediately start pecking on their computers, but the Male Ticket Agent’s face visibly reacts as Libby says the following.
LIBBY
(becoming more emotional as monologue progresses)
Many flights to European destinations must be leaving soon so people can sleep on the way. Huh! While this lady right here, right here, right here might never again have a sleeping night’s peace–never, never! Not for the rest of my life–if I don’t get to Berlin tomorrow. Do you understand? Do you even know that the Wall is coming down, and how important that is to some people? And yes, I mean me! Me! This sweet persona who promised my Russian lover when we were separated by the Wall to meet him on the very day it comes down. For twenty-eight years I’ve been patient Penelope waiting to see my precious Odysseus once again at our special spot in Schulenburg Park. Now you alone could turn my Greek drama into a Romeo and Juliet tragedy. Would you keep Nicole Kidman from her Tom Hanks? Sharon Osbourne from her wacky Ozzy? Bacall from her beloved Bogart? Please, please, find a flight to connect me to my Zhores. Will you give me a fitting climax for my life’s desire, or assign me to a life of paradise lost?
This monologue makes Allison and Freida curious enough to want to hear about Zhores when they’re all sitting together on the airplane.
Here’s the setup for Freida’s monologue.
Libby has just told Freida that the husband Freida left is Libby’s son. Freida is in tears over Libby’s story of being separated from Zhores by the Wall, regretting that even though she loved Stuart as much as Libby loved Zhores, she left him:
FREIDA
With only note. If told him in person, I not pulled myself away from him.
ALLISON
(accusingly, disapprovingly)
A note?
FREIDA
And receipt to pick up pictures I took. Before-and-after earthquake damage.
LIBBY
So eager to leave you couldn’t wait for the pictures to be developed?
Freida tears turn to bawling, and Libby takes her hand and pats it.
LIBBY
It’s time for you to tell us your story, fearful Freida, my daughter-in-law. I don’t believe for a moment that you left the husband you love for fear of a future earthquake.
Allison, nodding, leans forward to gaze over Libby to Freida.
Libby continued patting Freida’s hand, and Freida continues bawling.
ALLISON
Truth heals. It got rid of my Aunt Sonja’s communist brainwashing like an exorcism.
Libby seems surprised at Allison’s statement, but continues patting Freida’s hand.
LIBBY
Yes, tell us the truth. You did Stuart wrong, and I did Stuart wrong. Maybe working together, we can make things right with him for both of us.
Freida grabs tissues extended by Allison over Libby, wipes her eyes, and blows her nose.
FREIDA
I a thief. If stay in America, I go to jail.
ALLISON
You stole that necklace?
FREIDA
If possible to be too smart, you are.
LIBBY
Tell us. Why did you steal it?
Freida’s monologue starts here:
FREIDA
First time I see this pendant, I know… I sure it the one Gestapo stole from Aunt Cleo, She say if she knew the Nazis come that night, she put it up her vagina. That how much she love it! But those bad bad Nazis, might have found it anyway. Cruel, they were. She lucky to survive. So when I see pendant, I know how happy Aunt Cleo would be to have it back. I plan to save money to buy, but I go back to jewelry store to make sure it still there. On fourth trip I take Stuart’s camera to take picture to send to Aunt Cleo, just to be sure it right necklace. ‘Cause expensive, you know. Thought I should be sure. Max told me to put it on to take picture, and as soon as I did, whole store start shaking. Max fell down–I don’t know if hurt or just not balanced, like me. I almost fell and almost dropped the camera, but didn’t. Thank Lord! I should not take Stuart’s camera without asking. I think I realized then we have earthquake, and two customers–mean looking guys–crashed a glass cabinet and pulled out stuff. Just kept crashing and looting, crashing and looting. I scared. I got down on knees so wouldn’t see me. Crawled right out of store. Somehow stumbled back to our mess, our apartment. Then realized I still wearing the pendant.
The setup for Allison’s monologue:
Allison and Libby are walking in Schulenburg Park toward the spot where Libby and Zhores agreed to meet when they see a couple up ahead.
LIBBY
See that couple up ahead? On the bench on the right?
ALLISON
I expect it to be my grandparents.
LIBBY
What? I expect it to be Helga and Heinz.
ALLISON
Then we’d both be right.
Allison takes off in a run, the couple sees her, rise, and lift her into a group hug.
HELEN
Precious girl, how in the world did you get here?
HANK
And why are you running around Berlin at this late hour?
ALLISON
Because I need an answer to a very important question.
Libby, Freida, and Stuart are now close enough to hear.
LIBBY
And I have a question too. Is this handsome couple the ones who promised to meet me and Zhores on the very day the Wall came down?
Helga/Helen bearhugs Libby and Heinz/Hank bearhugs them both.
HELEN
Dear friend, we knew you would be here.
HANK
We have much to catch up on.
ALLISON
Not until my question is answered.
All look to Allison expectantly.
Allison’s monologue begins here:
ALLISON
(to Helen and Hank)
You promised as soon as I was old enough you’d tell me my father’s name. I am old enough to be invited for an audition with Claudio Abbado, director of the Berlin Philharmonic. Therefore, I am old enough to know whose genes designed my DNA. However, I now ask only for your confirmation of what I already know.
(Opening her arms to include
Freida, Stuart, and Libby as listeners)
You see, this brainy brat that I sometimes am wants to boggle your minds with an extraordinary family tree. When Libby and Stuart visited in 1978, you were still Helga and Heinz, and my mother was still Olga. When you moved to America and took your new names Helen and Hank, Olga’s new name was Olive. But Grandmother, you know that you often forgot and “Olga” slipped out of your mouth. I’m glad that Olga and Stuart did more than play baseball on that trip, because otherwise I might never have been born. Therefore, I need you to confirm that my father is Libby’s son Stuart who has no idea that he fathered this lovable, lonely wunderkind who will be so happy to no longer be fatherless.
-
Christi Falk’s High Concept/Elevator Pitch
What I learned doing this assignment is to focus the main ideas of the plot for marketable attention.
1. Most unique about main character’s journey from a big picture perspective: It’s the story of a timid young orphaned woman who undergoes a tumultuous transformation.
2. How to tell it in the most interesting way possible:
Dilemma: Orphaned and penniless, Anne must choose between a life with a handsome fugitive or a morally ambiguous millionaire who offers to adopt her.
or
Anne needs to fill the vacuum left by her fathers passing but is it love she needs or accepting herself for who she truly is?
Main Conflict- Cruises are hard enough on their own but what if someone’s trying to kill you?
What’s at Stake – Homeless with a sudden windfall, Anne tries to focus on endearing herself to her late father’s friends while joining the hunt for stolen diamonds.
Goal/Unique Opposition – Orphaned and penniless, Anne does her best to make new friends while trying to avoid the various attempts on her life.
3. Elevator Pitch
I”ve updated an old Agatha Christie that’s become public domain. The new elements I’ve added to bring it to present have a US Copyright number.
-
GSTPP LESSON 6 112523
ROBERT R. SMITH SYNOPSIS HOOKS
WHAT I LEARNED DOING THIS ASSIGNMENT IS…?
The how of using the all-important COM and MITs in crafting a synopsis of a screenplay.
GO THROUGH YOUR PROJECT AND SEE WHAT HOOKS YOU HAVE:
GENRE: Thriller.
TITLE: “The Plaintiff.”
PICTURE: “The Accused” meets “The People vs. Larry Flynt.”
A. It’s not an adaptation of a book but it is inspired by actual events.
B. Most unique about your villain and hero?
A sex worker sues her sex industry employer for sexual harassment which becomes a landmark case.
The villain (Doug Giuliano) is a skin-magazine (“Beach House”) mogul and the hero (is a centerfold and Beach Girl of the Year, Brandy Crofton) who sues him for sexual harassment and wins.
C. Major hook of the opening scene: Sex Goddess Brandy Crofton is dead in bed (was it murder by poisoning or suicide?) Also dead is her live-in abusive Russian gangster boyfriend (Yuri Yusupov), shot dead by Brandy’s daughter (Courtney) partly in revenge but also in self-defense because Yusupov had previously threatened he would kill both mother and daughter.
From this scene at the end of her life, the story returns to tell the whole story from the beginning to that moment. The narrator is her high school sweetheart and forever friend, confidant and attorney, Steve Willis.
The story is told starting at the end and then goes back to the beginning.
Brandy is still friends with her high school sweetheart (Steve Willis) and he has become her confidant, attorney, and narrator of the story that he retells from High School, in which Brandy states her ambition to be an actress and the new “It girl.” But her ambition takes her from stripper to centerfold to porn star with mob-connected skin magazine mogul Doug Giuliano, editor of Beach House Magazine, to which Brandy becomes a Beach Girl of the Month, to Beach Girl of the Year and then porn star in Giuliano’s new historical epic porn film, “The Harem.”
In order to compel Brandy to do explicit sex scenes in his film, Giuliano gives Brandy alcohol and drugs and forces her into doing these scenes, claiming he is true to his side of their contract, i.e., that he would advance her acting career.
Instead, her porn appearance in “The Harem” soon ruins her chances for an acting career while the film itself bombs at the Box Office.
After the film disaster, Giuliano develops a hotel-casino compound in Las Vegas, with mob assistance, and to ensure success he pimps out Brandy to mob investors. To which she at vigorously objects and then submits to his abusive coercion.
After a nervous breakdown, Brandy leaves Giuliano and his Beach House empire and files a sexual harassment lawsuit against him.
With her friend and attorney, Steve Willis they present a landmark case against Giuliano that becomes one for the books in law schools. Steve and Brandy win the case.
While Steve Willis is awarded an honorary Doctor of Law degree by Harvard Law, Brandy’s success wins her acclaim and a new role as advocate for women’s rights and workplace justice, including the rights and dignity of sex workers.
Just as Brandy starts to find peace and purpose, she finds her Russian gangster boyfriend (Yuri Yusupov) who is abusive to her and her daughter and threatens to kill them both.
It all ends with Brandy’s untimely and mysterious death and Steve Willis’ successful defense of Courtney for shooting Yusupov as a justifiable homicide.
-
Jane Alcala/High Concepts/Elevator Pitch
What I learned from this assignment: To pare a concept down as much as possible, while trying to retain a spark of intrigue. I also came up with a more specific goal for my main character.
Tell us your High Concept and Elevator Pitch.
1. To find your main hook, give us what is most unique about your lead character’s journey from a big picture perspective.
An ex-parolee with a knack for humor strives to achieve online fame by outwitting her parole agent in a high-stakes TV roast, hoping to spark a viral sensation.
2. How can you tell it in the most interesting way possible?
- Dilemma
- Main Conflict
- What’s at stake?
- Goal/Unique Opposition
3. Using the 10 Components of Marketability, what is your Elevator Pitch?
The goal/unique opposition appears to be the most marketable tact
Aiming for viral fame, an ex-felon comedian challenges her parole agent to a TV roast battle.
-
This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by Jane Alcala.
-
John Chabot’s Synopsis Hooks
Title: JESTER
Written by John Chabot
Genre: Dark Comedy
Great news! You’ve been invited to the
castle. Bad news? It’s not for the court jester job like you
thought. Instead, you are injected with a wizard’s sperm and told to
go impregnate an enemy princess.Why did the wizard choose you? The
enemy princess saw your stand up comedy routine and casually
remarked, “Every woman wants a man who can make her laugh.”What’s at stake? Your life. Your
parents’ lives.What stands in your way? A heartthrob
rock musician. And two wizards in cahoots.How do things go? After getting this
close (i i), you’re sentenced to hang in the morning.In prison, you meet your kingdom’s
princess, who everyone thought was dead. Besides giving you a handjob to relieve the wizard’s burden, she knights you before you
go to the gallows.Fortunately, you’re saved from the
noose. Unfortunately, it’s by the other wizard. He hypnotizes you
and sends you to kill your king. Fortunately, the plot is foiled.
Unfortunately, the enemy princess wants you back, which means
another injection!After “discharging” the wizard’s spell you
scream, “Screw the man! I’m gonna save my princess!” Then you
kick ass, and then you kick more ass with your princess kicking ass by your side.And you live happily ever after as
king, with a beautiful queen and your own comedy club! -
Isti Madarasz Synopsis Hooks
What I learned doing this assignment is that the hooks I originally chose were not good enough. So I needed to find better ones.
Original hooks:
– In a world where everything is ruled by contracts, even the laws of nature can be rewritten.
– Adaptation of an award-winning novel
– Simon, one of the most powerful contractors in the world
– He’s about to make the most serious contract ever, one that will destroy the people who live here
– His daughter is injured in a spectacular but brutal anti-gravity attack
– An unknown but powerful contractor emerges
– The planner of the terrorist attack is the only one who can help his daughter
Title: KONTRAKT
Written by: Isti Madarász
Genre: dystopian sci-fi drama
Imagine a world where everything is controlled by treaties, but really everything – even the very laws of nature can be rewritten, you just need the right contractor.
In this story, based on an award-winning, Hungarian novel, Simon, one of the most powerful contractors ever, arrives in a country under military occupation, where he is about to make the most influential contract ever made, one that will literally cripple the people who live there.
When the deal is leaked, tensions between the oppressive powers and the exploited people erupt into a nationwide uproar. Simon, in the midst of the growing chaos tries to keep his daughter safe, who has also travelled with him, while trying to track down his family, who sold him to the army when he was a child and have not been heard from since.
After his daughter is seriously injured in a spectacular but brutal anti-gravity attack, Simon is confronted with the fact that the mastermind of the terrorist attack, a mysterious and powerful contractor, is the only one who can help his daughter. But to do so, he must put aside his desire for revenge, break every contract he has ever signed and for the first time in his life follow his heart, which leads him into more dangerous territory than ever before.
-
R Whitney
What I learned: Is how to find the most abbreviated high concept point in my script.
1. To find your main hook, give us what is most unique about your lead character’s journey from a big picture perspective. I like to use “What would you do if you found out your parents were poisoning homeless people and burying them out on the family farm?”
2. How can you tell it in the most interesting way possible?
- Dilemma: A woman is torn between reporting murders committed by her parents and not wanting them sent to jail.
- Main Conflict: How does a woman convince her parents that poisoning homeless people is not their civic duty.
- What’s at stake?: A woman tries hard to keep her parents out of jail after they poison many homeless people.
- Goal/Unique Opposition: Can a woman convince her crazy parents not to poison anymore homeless people?
3. Using the 10 Components of Marketability, what is your Elevator Pitch?
I’m pitching a script as a modern version of “Arsenic and Old Lace”.
-
Gregory’s Synopsis Hooks
What I learned from doing this assignment is that I have to bring things to an extreme. I have to make it REALLY HARD for Sinclair to bust Gertrude from the old folks home, and I might need a montage of Sinclair training Gertrude how to be an expert burglar.
According to my COM and MIT list, my hooks are as follows:
– a promiscuous eighty-year-old woman becomes a cat burglar
– escaping from an old folks home with a high level of security
– the old lady moves so slowly with her walker she outfoxes motion sensors
– a supposedly dedicated and concerned son is actually trying to kill his elderly mother to get an inheritance
– the old lady believes his performance and leaves her new partner in crime, thinking her son will take care of her
– a thief faces a dilemma: abandon his new friend, the old lady and escape with a lot of cash or help her at the risk of them both getting caught and possibly killed
First draft of synopsis/query letter:
Do eighty-year-old women make good thieves?
Sinclair is a house burglar who is assigned community service at an old folks home where he meets a promiscuous elderly woman who is very rich. He wants money to start a new life, and she wants out of the facility. But since she’s been committed to the home she doesn’t have any access to any of her funds.
So the burglar busts her out of the maximum security elderly person’s home!
Looks like both of their problems are about to be solved when the elderly woman’s spoiled rotten son puts a bounty on them both! The burglar’s solution? Train the old woman to help him break into the son’s mansion and steal her late husband’s will which proclaims her as the rightful heir to their family fortune.
But during their caper the old lady breaks her hip right as they’re about to make a getaway. What’s Sinclair to do?
Log in to reply.