Lesson 7

[Paul Hallasy]

Paul Hallasy’s Query Letter

How far would you go to see a band before they die?

Paul is a middle-aged, gay stand-up comedian whose dream is to attend the New Wave festival of ’80s bands in LA. Unfortunately, he gets laid off from his day job and also has to deal with a homophobic neighbor and a health crisis that lands him in the hospital.

Will he be able to attend his dream concert, or will he have to sell his ticket and give up on his dream?

Although he does eventually make it to the New Wave festival, when he returns to New York he’s still unemployed and being harassed by his neighbor.

Is living in New York really worth it after the experience he had in LA?

If you’d like to read my screenplay, please let me know.

BIO: I’m a stand-up comedian of over 20 years and the author of a book, a blog and a one-man show.

[Adite Banerjie]

Adite’s Query Letter

What I learned: A query letter should have only the broad strokes of the story. The purpose is to hook them into reading the script.

Can a mother risk killing her child in order to save him?

Devyani, battling post-partum depression, moves into an eerie decrepit old house with her forest ranger husband Jeet in the forests of Simlipur. Even before they can settle in, she is warned by a local villager to clear out before the night of the new moon or face the wrath of the Yogini on whose sacred grounds the house is built.

The signs escalate. Carcasses of dead animals, blood smeared Tantrik symbols and a shape-shifting old woman cause even more trauma for Devyani and she nearly throttles her own baby.

Meanwhile, Jeet hunts down deadly poachers with his ragtag team of forest officers. When one of his tribal informers is found pinned to a tree with his own arrows, the villagers fear the Yogini’s wrath and refuse to help him.

On the rainy new moon night, when Jeet races to fetch a doctor for their sick child, the Yogini makes her appearance. Devyani taps into her long forgotten Tantric skills. As the poachers close in, she faces a life-and-death choice. The Tantric rituals had killed her mother but what if it’s the only way to save her baby? There is only one to know for sure – by doing them herself.

This is a supernatural thriller like (comp movie name) filled with high-stakes action, and the unique synergy of mysticism and motherhood.

If you would like to read the script, please contact Adite at:

BIO: Adite is a novelist and produced screenwriter. She recently sold the rights to her thriller (title) to a Mumbai based production company.

• This reply was modified 11 months, 1 week ago by  Adite Banerjie.

[Susan A. Smith]

Susan Arnout Smith’s Lesson 7, Great Pitch, Compelling Query Letters

What I learned from this: My hooks are improving, along with the amount of fun I’m having. I am very grateful for this class.

TITLE: GOD’S PHOTO ALBUM

By Susan Arnout Smith, (adapted from the book by Shelly Mecum)

Genre: Faith/Family

In the battle between Light and Dark, which Angel’s the worst? The one with a gambling addiction.

The Angel’s job? Yank back a teacher who's switched sides. Sad news! When a child vanishes, Shelly’s belief in God is crushed. Bad news! At her next job, the entire school’s going under. She’ll lose 300 kids, not just one.

The Angel talks Shelly into betting her soul.

Get the community to believe in God when she doesn’t. If she wins, the school lives, the community thrives and her family’s fine. She loses? Zip. Everything’s swept away, as if it never was. Including her family. She cooks up an idea so crazy it just might work: send everybody out to find God and take His picture. Then they’ll write a book and sell it big. The Angel informs her she has better odds of being hit by lightning. Plus, he’s got his gambler’s thumb on the scale.

She must figure out a win when the scale’s rigged.

There’s only one choice—believe even when it’s impossible.
__
If you like the concept, I’ll be happy to send along the script.

BIO: Susan Arnout Smith is an internationally published novelist with four produced TV movies.

(Note: Then one line with cell number/ address/ and e-mail address)

• This reply was modified 11 months, 1 week ago by  Susan A. Smith.
• This reply was modified 11 months, 1 week ago by  Susan A. Smith.
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[Gill Kent]

Gill Kent’s Query Letter

The true story of a princess who stares down her Gestapo son-in-law to protect the Jewish family hiding in her home.

Audiences are fascinated by the British royal family. But what do royals mean when they talk about duty? Princess Alice, King Charles’s grandmother, born deaf, believes her royal duty is to the poorest of her realm. She marries Prince Andrea of Greece and throws herself into serving the destitute of Greece.

When Andrea is scapegoated for a military disaster and about to be executed, Alice appeals to her cousin, the British king, to help the family escape.

Andrea’s affairs during the years in exile take a toll on Alice’s mental health, but Andrea betrays the wife who saved his life, conspiring with her mother to have her locked up in a Swiss sanatorium to prevent embarrassment to the royal establishment.

After three years she escapes. She returns to Greece and finds herself in conflict with the Nazi occupation. She chooses to hide a Jewish family in her home, risking all when her Gestapo son-in-law visits Athens.

If you like the concept of this limited series, I’d be happy to send you the pilot.

BIO: Gill has been writing professionally for decades. She’s spent five years researching the suppressed story of Princess Alice.

Contact: email xxxx@xxxx.com; text: 000-000-0000

• This reply was modified 11 months ago by  Gill Kent.
• This reply was modified 11 months ago by  Gill Kent.

[Brian Bull]

BRIAN BULL – Query Letter

What I learned today is… I am improving my pitch with each passing – it just keeps getting better and better – or so I think.

ASSIGNMENT

Write your query letter.

Start with your synopsis from Lesson 5, even if it is a first draft.

Deep in the Louisiana bayous, a fisherman’s determined to catch and kill the catfish he blames for his brother’s death.

For 25 years, the fisherman has been haunted with the loss of his younger brother, but in order to get on with his life, he must decide between carrying out vengeance or passing on the fishing legacy to his son.

In a final effort, the fisherman decides to change the bait to the Rotisserie chicken he bought at the Trading Post, unbeknownst to him, the same chicken he had used when his brother disappeared.

Ironically, in the end, the fisherman realizes just before the massive catfish engulfs him, it was he that got away!!!

2. Craft an Opening Hook and put it at the top of the page.

This opening hook should lure us into the concept. Remember, it will be a bold statement, question, setup/punchline, or a quote from the lead character.

A fisherman seeks revenge, but instead finds himself on the hook.

3. Write your Bio and add it below the salutation with the word “BIO:” before it.

BIO – N/A

4. Make sure it has all the Basics covered (from Part One).

Opening Hook
Synopsis
Request
Bio
Contact information

A fisherman seeks revenge, but instead finds himself on the hook.

Deep in the Louisiana bayous, a fisherman’s determined to catch and kill the catfish he blames for his brother’s death.

For 25 years, the fisherman has been haunted with the loss of his younger brother, but in order to get on with his life, he must decide between carrying out vengeance or passing on the fishing legacy to his son.

In a final effort, the fisherman decides to change the bait to the Rotisserie chicken he bought at the Trading Post, unbeknownst to him, the same chicken he had used when his brother disappeared.

Ironically, in the end, the fisherman realizes just before the massive catfish engulfs him, it was he that got away!!!

If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.

BRIAN BULL
424 / 205-7277 cell phone
bullsproductionservices@gmail.com

• This reply was modified 10 months, 3 weeks ago by  Brian Bull.

[Edward Richards]

Edward Richards – Query Letter

What I Iearned doing this assignment was to try and keep the reader on the hook throughout the letter.

Imagine if you could could end all relationships after the honeymoon period.
All gain, no pain!

A series of disastrous dates spark Wyatt’s unique approach. Including an ex who corners him in confined public places and broadcasts her problems with him.

After several six-week honeymoon relationships, Wyatt, dates Antoinette. But when he contrives to break with her, she pulls out a gun and shoots him. With water!

Terrified, then turned on, the relationship goes from reverse to fast forward. Only for Antoinette to abruptly ghost him. Too late, he realises he’s fallen in love.

Months later, he sees Antoinette on stage. Her name’s not Antoinette. Nor is she French. Their relationship was all an act. She was hired to give Wyatt a taste of his own medicine.

Secretly, however, “Antoinette” fell for Wyatt too. But, given of his track record, she can’t tell him. Until he proves himself.

If the concept appeals to you, I’d be happy to send the script.

BIO: A former award-winning copywriter. A finalist at Austin.

Contact Info

[Carly-Ann Giene]

Carly’s Query Letter

Title: DREDGE

Aaron cleans crime scenes for a living nothing phases him —until the possession of his wife Lilith.

What was supposed to be a simple cleaning job turns into a couple’s worst nightmare. After spending an entire day in decades old filth cleaning out a dead hoarder’s house the next day all of the trash they cleared out is back exactly where they left it.

Turns out the house they are cleaning is actually an infernal prison.

The demon exposes Lilith’s horrific truth: It was her that caused their son’s death and hid it from Aaron and the world. Should Aaron forgive his wife and save her from this demon or murder her and escape with his life and rebuild?

Sometimes our demons win. Hereditary meets Sinister.

If you are intrigued by this concept I would be happy to send you the script.

[ Phone #. E-mail. Address]

What I learned from this lesson is less is more. Not including a bio (if not up to snuff) and cutting some of the synopsis makes the query letter more readable and intriguing.

• This reply was modified 10 months, 1 week ago by  Carly-Ann Giene.

[Kenneth Johnson]

Kenneth Johnson – Query Letter

From this assignment I learned that I have been doing query letters all wrong. This approach makes more sense. I know that I have not nailed it yet and this definitely requires more practice.

Title: Combat Black

Written by Kenneth M. Johnson

Genre: War / Drama

What if you have a few drinks with your dad and he suddenly tells you that he was one of the only survivors of a massacre of 200 men during the Korean War in the 1950s?

Well that happened. So, this is based on the true story of a Buffalo Soldier and his combat experiences with the last all-Black Regiment in the U.S. Army.

Being a writer, Michael sets out to sell what would be an exciting war drama, if it wasn’t for the fact his father, Lee, doesn’t want his story told. And he won’t budge. There is a hard, dark secret there.

Truth be told Michael has had a very bad year and if he doesn’t sell this story he could lose his house, his marriage, and everything. So, he has to get Lee to share the details.

With an invitation for them to come to Seoul for Lee to be honored by the Korean people for his service in the War, Michael takes the opportunity to get the story right where it happened.

It turns out for a Black soldier under fire in Korea, war is hell, even 70 years later.

If you like this concept, I would be happy to send you a script.

BIO: I am Kenneth Johnson, a working Writer/Producer crafting commercials, promos, and trailers most every day. I have traveled to Korea twice in researching this project.

Kenneth M. Johnson
Contact Information

[John Duvall]

John Duvall’s Query Letter

What I learned doing this assignment is how to combine a story synopsis, biographical support, an offer, and contact information into a succinct one-page query letter.

Title: The Big Itch
Genre: Comedy-Mystery

On his first case, a naïve amateur private detective is drawn into a nationwide itching pandemic linked to a powerful but corrupt pharmaceutical corporation. What could possibly go wrong?

Synopsis: Motorcycle courier Nick Bailey dreams of becoming a private detective. His first client Eryn hires him to find her missing boyfriend. Sneaking into the boyfriend’s office after hours, Nick trips over a dead body and flees. Meanwhile, in the background, an national epidemic of frantic itching is spreading.

After two more murders he’s linked to, Nick recognizes a connection between his motorcycle deliveries and a pharmaceutical company called Zeitgeist. Police question him as a suspect, but Eryn convinces him to stay on the case. When Zeitgeist’s receptionist Jade – who Nick had a crush on – discovers Eryn is working for Zeitgeist and duping Nick, she goes to him and reveals what she knows.

Discovering Jade’s betrayal, Zeitgeist CEO A. T. Conn – who puts money and power above public safety – has Nick and Jade kidnapped and taken to Zeitgeist’s rural compound. There Nick and Jade find another prisoner – Ian, the man Nick had been searching for – who explains the link between Zeitgeist’s drugs and the itching epidemic. After escaping from a locked room and a slapstick fight with Zeitgeist’s goons in a military surplus warehouse, Nick, Jade and Ian all escape on motorbikes – and reveal Zeitgeist’s guilt for the itching epidemic on the internet.

BIO: A graduate of USC’s Cinema program, John Duvall worked in sound post-production in Hollywood as an Editors Guild member. He taught film production and screenwriting at Elon University and Dominican University of California. John received a PhD from CIIS and, published a book (The Environmental Documentary) emerging from his research. John is the author or co-author of six feature screenplays and one series pilot.

May I send my feature script to you? Would you prefer to receive a brief treatment and/or look book? We’d love to hear what you think of this funny but timely story.

Sincerely, John Allen Duvall

Contact Information:
Bedlam Filmworks
5311 Daniel Dr.
Rohnert Park, CA 94928
Email: hamzatula@yahoo.com
Home Phone: 415-847-7449
Cell/Text: 415-225-5679
LinkedIn: John Allen Duvall@linkedin.com

• This reply was modified 8 hours, 56 minutes ago by  John Duvall.
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