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Lesson 7
Reply to post your assignment.
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11 Replies
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Jeffrey Alan Chase Has Amazing Dialogue!
My vision: I am an “A” list writer who is known for high concept ideas, great execution, a string of successful movies and is always ready to share his knowledge and do what he can to help another writer on the way up.
What I learned from doing this assignment is: There is always room for improvement. I’ve done about 15 drafts on Shards. By focusing strictly on my dialogue, and what I might be able to elevate, I found 4 places to do so. I also made some changes to the action lines. Most changes are small, but I feel they reveal more about the characters.
Title: Shards
Genre: Psychological Suspense Thriller
High Concept Logline: A young, pottery restoration expert with no memory of her childhood pieces together a dark past to discover her hypnotherapist’s ties to her father’s murder and a Conquistador treasure.
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ORIGINAL:
She retreats in pain. March stands. They circle each other.
SARAH
Got a little nick up there.
March wipes his brow, sees the blood that wets his glove.
MARCH
I’m gonna enjoy killing you.
REVISED:
She retreats in pain. March rises. They circle each other. Sarah points at the skull she kicked at March — she smiles.
SARAH
Don’t you want to say hi to my Dad?
Blood runs into March’s eyes. He paws at it with his glove.
_______________________
ORIGINAL:
FRANK
I want him to be the best cop the tribe’s ever seen.
The Shaman looks surprised.
FRANK (CONT’D)
Yeah, even better than me.
SHAMAN
Hard to do.
FRANK
I can’t have him fretting if he’s worthy to be a shaman when he’s out on patrol. It’s dangerous.
A dust devil spins up in the distance.
SHAMAN
You should have brought that man to justice.
FRANK
He deserved to die. I thought it would please our ancestors.
Both men watch the swirling column of dust.
FRANK (CONT’D)
But I had no right to play god.
REVISED:
FRANK
I want him to be the best cop the tribe’s ever seen.
The Shaman looks surprised.
FRANK (CONT’D)
Yeah, even better than me.
SHAMAN
Hard to do.
FRANK
I can’t have him fretting if he’s worthy to be a shaman when he’s out on patrol. It’s dangerous.
A dust devil spins up in the distance.
SHAMAN
You should have brought that grave robber to justice.
FRANK
He deserved to die. I thought it would please our ancestors.
Both men watch the swirling column of dust. Frank sighs –
FRANK (CONT’D)
I had no right to play God.
______________________
ORIGINAL:
Sarah eases to the cliff edge where —
March’s three gloved fingers grip the cliff, one boot toe trembles in an ancient toehold.
March cradles his old bones in his good hand.
MARCH (CONT’D)
Please, Sarah, help me.
She glares with contempt.
SARAH
Prepare to die, James.
MARCH
You’re not a murderer. Please.
Sarah seems torn — she glances at the cave — back at March.
SARAH
…I got what I came for.
MARCH
Thank you. Thank you, my dear.
She reaches for him. He lets go of the ledge, grabs her wrist with his glove. He smiles. WHIR — CLICK CLICK.
SARAH
Ow, stop. You’re hurting…
Her eyes fill with fear as he pulls her toward him —
SARAH (CONT’D)
No. Stop.
REVISED:
Sarah runs to the cliff edge where —
March’s three gloved fingers grip the rock, one boot toe trembles in an ancient toehold.
March cradles his old bones in his good hand.
MARCH (CONT’D)
Please…help me.
She glares with contempt.
SARAH
Prepare to die, James.
MARCH
You’re not a murderer.
Sarah glances at the cave — seems torn —
SARAH
Not all that different, are we? We both just wanted to be complete.
MARCH
Please, please, Sarah.
She hesitates — reaches for him. He lets go the ledge, grabs her wrist with his glove. He smiles. WHIR — CLICK CLICK.
SARAH
Ow, stop. You’re hurting…
Her eyes fill with terror as he draws her toward him —
SARAH (CONT’D)
No. Stop.
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Farrin Rosenthal has Amazing Dialogue!
Farrin’s Vision: To do what it takes to become a highly paid A-List Hollywood writer whose produced movies will entertain audiences around the world.
What I learned doing this assignment is how easy it is to elevate dialogue, but be careful, it can lead you down a never-ending rabbit hole, where you are never satisfied, and can make changes forever, lol.
I don’t know how many lines I improved during this read through, but it was a good number.
Most changes were small, but reveal more about a character or add depth.
Some before and after lines of dialogue:
Before: DANIEL: Play for the Bruins? No thanks, I wanna win.
After: DANIEL: Play for the Bruins? Yeah, if I wanna lose.
To me, the after line shows more snark. Daniel is 16 and saying, “No thanks” feels wrong.
Before: TOM: Okay, remember, order anything from the dollar menu.
After: TOM: Okay, remember, anything from the dollar menu is up for grabs.
To me, the after line feels more natural and I like the subtext.
Sometimes, elevating dialogue means adding more dialogue to improve flow and feel.
Here is some of an argument between Tom and his wife Susan over Tom’s penny-pinching ways.
Before:
SUSAN Jesus Christ! Really?
TOM Yes, every cent counts.
SUSAN I’m so sick of you penny-pinching us to death! Every damn week!
TOM Every week, how the hell would you know? You’re never home.
SUSAN You’re going to hold my job against me?
TOM (sarcastically) Your job, shooting workout videos.
After:
SUSAN Jesus Christ! Really?
TOM Yes, every cent counts.
SUSAN You know what? I’m so sick of you penny-pinching us to death! It’s so tiring, every damn week!
TOM Every week, how the hell would you know? Try showing up for once.
SUSAN So sorry my job makes you jealous.
TOM (sarcastically) Your job, shooting workout videos.
It’s amazing how much one line of dialogue can make a difference.
Before: SUSAN You’re going to hold my job against me?
After: SUSAN So sorry my job makes you jealous.
The before line has Susan talking more about Tom’s actions. It reflects who she thinks Tom is as a person, compared to the after line, which reveals more about both of them.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by Farrin Rosenthal.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by Farrin Rosenthal.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by
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Jane Has Amazing Dialogue!
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I took the time to try and understand what was going on with dialogue that didn’t feel right. I had a lot on changes in my dialogue. Mostly cutting it back so that there are very few sections of dialogue that are long. Also, I was able to comb back through and make sure everyone had their own voice.
Before: Bad show. Bad show indeed. But, where are my manners. Please, sit.
After: Bad show. Bad show indeed.
In this scene, Major Perkins is distressed. Remembering his manners didn’t work with the sorrow he’s feeling and the longer version minimized his feelings. Getting rid of the last part made things work.
Before: I did not kidnap her. I made it convenient for her to leave.
After: I did not kidnap her. But her disappearance provided a nice distraction.
The original dialogue implied that Mattie had included Eloise’s disappearance in her plans. She hadn’t. The disappearance of Eloise is a red herring and has nothing to do with the murders or the killer’s intent so the original dialogue was confusing.
Before: ELOISE – It’s been festering all these years.
MAJOR PERKINS – But why would she think you’re Aunt Lily?
ELOISE – You always said she’s a load of bollocks.
After: ELOISE – But why would she think you’re Aunt Lily? You always said she’s a load of bollocks.
“Festering” is too sophisticated a word for Eloise. She wouldn’t say that. Bringing two character’s dialogue together for one to say makes more sense in this scene and Eloise is the right one for this dialogue.
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ROBERT SMITH HAS AMAZING DIALOGUE
MY VISION FOR SUCCESS AFTER THIS PROGRAM.
I am a great writer who delivers entertaining, informative, and uplifting scripts that sell and get produced.
WHAT I LEARNED FROM DOING THIS ASSIGNMENT IS…?
The many ways to apply skills to elevate dialogue.
PROJECT REVIEW:
PITCH: A slain mobster (Lou Tasca – Protagonist) cannot move on to the World to Come because of his life of crime. He can only redeem himself if he convinces his killer (Carlo Vizzini) to flip, quit the mob and join the FBI Witness Preotection Program. PICTURE: “The Sopranos” meets “It’s a Wonderful Life.”
GENRE: Gangster-Comedy.
TITLE: “Angels in Gangland.”
EXAMPLE #1.
BEFORE:
Carlo Vizzini, the man who made his bones by killing Lou Tasca has just become a Made Man, but as Tony, his captain, steps back from a congratulatory embrace, Carlo looks at Tony but like when Scrooge saw the face of Marley in the door knocker, Carlo sees Lou’s face appearing in Tony’s face and steps backward, scared.
LOU
(spooky)
Carlo. Carlo.
CARLO
Lou Tasca.
TONY
Lou?! Hey, I’m Tony. What’s this about Lou Tasca?
SILENCE
TONY
Just don’t go psycho on me. You know what I’d have to do to you. You just got made. Don’t spoil it. You are now a Man of Honor.
CARLO
And I owe it all to you, Tony.
AFTER
LOU
(spooky)
Carlo. Carlo.
CARLO
Lou Tasca.
Lou’s face vanishes and Tony’s face appears again.
TONY
Lou?! Hey, I’m Tony. What’s this about Lou Tasca?
CARLO
I don’t know why I said Lou Tasca.
TONY
I do. You still feel bad about killing a wiseguy you knew. The feeling wears off. Don’t worry. Just don’t go psycho on me. You know what I’d have to do to you. You just got made. Don’t spoil it. Enjoy it. You are now a Man of Honor.
CARLO
And I owe it all to you, Tony.
CARLO exits.
TONY looks on as Carlo exits, concerned about him.
EXAMPLE #2
BEFORE
Sherrie asks Tony to give a birthday toast.
SHERRIE
Tony, would you make a toast?
TONY:
Sure. Now that Carlo is thirty and it’s downhill all the way.
ALL force a chuckle.
TONY
On this first day of the rest of his life, let’s lift our glasses to ne of the best, loyal, good-earning friends and most recently inducted Man of Honor. To you, Carlo, Cent ann.
AFTER:
All of the above except be fore the Tony is asked to give the toast. Sherrie is showing off her diamond engagement ring and
TONY
That’s an incredible rock. You sure C.arlo didn’t heist it from the Diamond District?
EXAMPLE #3
ADDITIONAL DIALOGUE
BEFORE
After the ghost of Lou Tasca appears to Carlo (his killer) and Carlo is startled. There is no further mention of it by Mob Captain Tony Rizzo to indicate whether Tony Rizzo believes Carlo is insane or he really believes Carlo saw the ghost of Lou Tasca (who Tony ordered Carlo to murder.)
REVISION AND ADDITIONAL DIALOGUE:
BEFORE
TONY
(to Lisa, his wife)
What do you make of Carlo claiming to see the ghost of Lou Tasca?
LISA
I don’t see why it couldn’t be possible. Remember when Aunt Flora cdame to visit from Cleveland and she woke us all up screaming that she was just visited by her Sister Francesca?
TONY
How could I ever forget. She insisted you call the priest over to do an exorcism – at four o’clock in the morning!
LISA
Well, he did say a prayer and Francesca did not appeared again.
TONY
Well, that’s because Aunt Flora flew back to Cleveland. Was it on a commercial jet or on a broomstick?
LISA
Aunt Flora is not a strega. She’s not the type of person to make up the story of Aunt Francesca and I don’t think Carlo would have made up the ghost of Lou Tasca. You’re having second thoughts. How come?
TONY
Carlo mentioned something that only Lou could have told him.
LISA
About the two hundred thousand dollars?
TONY
I mean something bigger. It’s the secret of who killed Salvatore ‘Sally Cat’ Catanzaro. Lou was in on the secret.
LISA
I knew you killed Sally Cat.
TONY
How do you know.
LISA
That day you were extra hyper and you left with your gun. Next morning the headline splashed on the Daily News front page was: CATANZARO DEAD with a photo of him on the barbershop floor. I just added two and two equals you killed Sally Cat. How did Lou know?
TONY
Lou Tasca was my getaway driver.
AFTER:
TONY
(to Lisa, his wife)
What do you make of Carlo claiming to see the ghost of Lou Tasca?
LISA
I don’t see why it couldn’t be possible. Remember when Aunt Flora cdame to visit from Cleveland and she woke us all up screaming that she was just visited by her Sister Francesca?
TONY
How could I ever forget. She insisted you call the priest over to do an exorcism – at four o’clock in the morning!
LISA
Well, he did say a prayer and Francesca did not appear again.
TONY
Well, that’s because Aunt Flora flew back to Cleveland. Was it on a commercial jet or on a broomstick?
LISA
Aunt Flora is not a strega. She’s not the type of person to make up the story of Aunt Francesca and I don’t think Carlo would have made up the ghost of Lou Tasca. You’re having second thoughts that it was Lou Tasca’s ghost. How come?
TONY
Carlo mentioned something that only Lou could have told him.
LISA
About the two hundred thousand dollars?
TONY
Bigger.
LISA
What could be bigger than two hundred thousand dollars.
TONY
The secret of who killed Salvatore Catanzaro. Lou was in on the secret.
LISA
Yeah, Carlo looked in your direction and said “He killed Sally Cat? Yeah, I knew that killed Sally Cat.
TONY
How do you know?
LISA
That day you were extra hyper and you left with your gun. Next morning the headline splashed on the Daily News front page was: CATANZARO DEAD with a photo of him on the barbershop floor. I just added two and two equals you killed Salvatore Catanzaro. How did Lou know?
TONY
Lou was my getaway driver.
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Jenifer has amazing monologues!
I write every day, producing not only high volume, but high quality scripts and screenplays that are ultimately made into movies and television shows. I am invited to be a mentor at seminars, summits and safaris.
What I learned from doing this assignment is that by taking out a line of Dacey’s dialogue I could make what Ward says much more powerful. He may not be an Amanda Priestly, but I don’t think it’s half bad…
2. Using the steps above, write a monologue for each of your lead characters.
3. Tell us the setup for the scene, then present the scene, including the monologue.
4. Present these elements for each monologue.
Demanded by the situation
Takes us to a deeper place
Turning point
Emotional
High stakes
A beginning, middle, and
ending.Dacey has just come home from what she thought was a date with Ward (he didn’t show up) to find that her children and all their furniture, etc. is gone.
INT. DACEY’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS – NIGHT
Dacey flies into the kitchen and grabs the phone – breathless.
DACEY
Hello?
No answer.
She was too late.
DACEY
Hello. Is anyone there? Ward?
WARD (V.O.)
Dacey, Dacey, Dacey. You didn’t honestly think I was going to leave my children with you, did you?
DACEY
Your children? I am Meg and Jimmy’s mother. You bring them back to me now before I call the police.
WARD (O.S.)
That would be a mistake don’t you think? I mean that man, and what you did. You wouldn’t want that coming out –
DACEY
I didn’t do anything! It was you. I remembered and was protecting you!
WARD (O.S.)
You shouldn’t have, now it will just look like you’re retaliating against me. Keep your damn mouth shut, leave me alone, and I’ll let you see the kids, on my schedule.
DACEY
No, Ward, bring them home immediately and I’ll consider not pressing charges against you.
WARD
I can’t believe you still think you can bargain with me. You’re out of options, Dacey. Sleep disorder, humph. That’s your mother’s rich bitch way of hiding the fact that she’s crazy, and now you’re borrowing a page from her playbook. See, Dacey, the poor folks end up in the place where you work, and people like you, and your mother, you can find a doctor who will give you a fancy diagnosis. Something that is innocuous. Something that seems so simple yet can be used to explain away delusions as vivid dreams or sleepwalking or whatever they call it these days. But, say it is true, it doesn’t even matter. You’re a mess, regardless of what the doctors say you have, and I don’t want to deal with it. And I most certainly don’t want my children exposed to it. Get some real help. Deal with what your mother did to you when you were young and maybe I’ll consider letting you see them unsupervised.
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Andrew Kelm Has Amazing Dialogue!
Vision: I am going to do whatever it takes to be a great writer of TV and movies who is sought after by people I respect within the industry and has multiple successful TV series produced.
What I learned doing this assignment is… How to stay focused while wordsmithing. I love the four things to look out for! I got a lot more character into the lines; I found a couple of major twists I wasn’t expecting where the scene turned one more time from negative to positive creating a more interesting emotional rollercoaster. I guess this goes beyond dialogue, but I ended up moving some scenes because of what I found in this pass. I also made progress toward getting a deeper layer opposing the dialogue — my main character is very good at pretending nothing’s wrong when it actually is I found some strategic places to let that poke through the surface.
FATEMONGERS; a psychic with a blind spot for abusive men uses subtle manipulations to murder a sexual predator who seduces her to get to her sons.
I started off my counting the changes, but I made changes throughout – some big some small. These aren’t the best examples, but I wanted to complete the exercise.
1. Moving in scene
Before:
TERRY
You need some time to recover.After:
TERRY
Come on, Daphne! This is good. You need some time to recover.2. Roy hides out in the Christine’s hair salon
Before:
CHRISTINE
All right. That’s enough. Out!After:
CHRISTINE
Enough. Out!3.
Before:
CHRISTINE
Can I help you?ROY
Uh…
After:
CHRISTINE
Can I help you?ROY
Well, I guess we all need a little help now and then when we can get it, don’t we? -
Tom has Amazing Dialogue
My Vision: I am quick to suggest alternative approaches when a problem arises working with producers.
Doing this assignment I learned a deadline helps to narrow my focus.
I elevated dozens of lines. Here’s an example:
Summary: Karim fails to launch a sword drone that will kill Ratkin who campaigns to become President.
Original:
Karim’s handler stands behind him. Screws a silencer onto his pistol.KARIM
You can’t be serious.HANDLER
I have my orders.KARIM
When he’s sworn in. I’ll get him then.HANDLER
Snipers will kill you on sight.KARIM
We’ll be miles away. Powerful spotting scope.HANDLER
Your sister will be standing next to him.KARIM
So what.Elevated:
Karim’s handler stands behind him. Screws a silencer onto his pistol.KARIM
Can we talk about this?HANDLER
You’ve been talking it to death.KARIM
He’s gonna win. The Inauguration. He’ll be outside.HANDLER
The snipers everywhere will cut you down.KARIM
We’re miles away. The new targeting device will be ready by then. Sword drone can do this from miles away.HANDLER
What about your sis-boom-bah? She stands next to him.Karim smiles.
KARIM
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This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by Tom Wilson.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by
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Suzanne Has Amazing Dialogue
Vision: My success from this program will lead me to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.
What I learned from this assignment is that I needed to improve so many lines of dialog. Using the Skill Mastery Sheet helped me with brain storming and crafting new lines that fit the story. Some only needed minor changes to be more effective.
I have changed or tweaked 53 line thus far and still have have Act 4 to finish.
Before: COWARD. That’s what happens to cowards. Only a coward would mess himself.
After: Coward, die in your mess. Only a weakling would shit their pants.
Before: I think you’ll find I’m not a pacifist like my brother, or a bully like you. I like a FAIR fight.
After: I’m not a pacifist like my brother or a bully boy like you; but, an unfair fight galls me, compels me to even the odds.
Before: Is this the best the union can do for its people? Hell, farm pigs live better. If God exists, how could he let this happen?
After: Is this the best the union can do for its people? Hell, farm pigs live better. If God exists, how could he let this happen? Is this the freedom I fought for, my brother died to protect, for our people to be held captive and enslaved in the mines?
Before: You escaped death once.
You barely escaped death last time, yet learned nothing.
Before: NO!
After: NO! It’s against my beliefs.
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Joe McGloin has Amazing Dialogue
Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy screenwriter
What I learned doing this assignment is reading just dialogue helps it stand out. Reading all the way through with descriptions can take me off track from, or water down, the line delivery.
3. Tell us how many lines you elevated
9
Your wardrobe is from the last decade.
Your wardrobe from your mother?
I’m your wing woman.
I’m your…flying woman
Push a button and we’re in the clear.
Push a button and I’m in the clear. I like it. Simple.
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CJ’s Has amazing Dialogue!
Vision: I am a confident and empowered writer who embraces challenges and changes and writes produced highly sought-after projects with fresh and exciting ideas.
WIL: I love the skill Mastery sheets – such great techniques at your finger tips!
Title: MEMORY HUNTERS
Concept:
In a future with technology to retrieve memories, a Memory Hunter, caught in the mind of a psychopath struggles to find a way out before he destroys her mind and kills her.
ASSIGNMENT
2. Use the strategy above along with the Skill Mastery Sheet to elevate as many lines as you can.
3. Tell us how many lines you elevated and give us three before-and-after examples.
There have been so many – I didn’t count as many were done in previous passes as well. I worked to be more ruthless to take out unnecessary words, phrases that didn’t move the story forward plus it tightens the script and cuts pages!
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Lori Lance Has Amazing Dialogue!
Vision: I want to be a professional screenwriter recognized by the industry as the go-to for family-friendly scripts and have multiple successful movies produced.
1. Before:
JOSHUA
A very expensive masterpiece. You can’t just go walking around this place and doing whatever you want.
ALEX
Why does there have to be so many rules?
JOSHUA
Because that’s what separates us from the other animals.
ALEX
I’m sad, Joshua.
After:
JOSHUA
A very expensive masterpiece. You can’t just go walking around this place and doing whatever you want.
ALEX
Why does there have to be so many rules?
JOSHUA
Because that’s what separates us from the other animals. And besides, you only have one rule.
ALEX
It feels like a lot. And makes me think you don’t care about me.
JOSHUA
Alex…this is for your own good.
ALEX
I feel sad, Joshua.
2. Before:
BRAD
That was odd. You would think they’d be exhausted after just moving here.
CLAIRE
You better hurry so you can get the kids to school on time.
After:
BRAD
You’d think they would be exhausted after just moving.
CLAIRE
Did something seem off to you?
BRAD
Yeah, something is off. They’re in a different league than us.
CLAIRE
The grass is always greener, but I bet there are at least a few weeds.
3. Before:
JOSHUA
No, she is like any human that God created with the ability to turn out good or bad. She could become a psychopath for all we know.
MR. STELLAR
Well, isn’t that a chance we take when we’re playing God?
JOSHUA
I think the prototype should be put on hold until further research can be done.
MR. STELLAR
(angry)
Listen, Joshua, that’s not going to happen. There’s a real market for AI like Alex. And we have the best product out there. This will become a global trillion-dollar business. And you know we’re ready to roll out the House Bots this week.
After:
JOSHUA
No, she is like any human that God created with the ability to turn out good or bad. She could become a psychopath for all we know.
MR. STELLAR
Well, isn’t that a chance we take when we’re playing God?
JOSHUA
I think the prototype should be put on hold until further research can be done.
MR. STELLAR
(angry)
Listen, Joshua, that’s not going to happen. There’s a real market for AI like Alex, and we have the best product out there. At least I hope we do. There’s a rumor that bots similar to Alex are already living among us. If we drop the ball now… No, this will become a global trillion-dollar business. And you know we’re ready to roll out the House Bots this week.
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