Lesson 7

[Mark napier]

For Rita's Scene from Session 6 Double the Quality exercise – QE 1

First…. I am a novelist at screenwriting. I started 14 months ago on this training. So, I can only go by the QE Mastery Sheet guide, versus real experience you and others have had at producing films, etc.

I like your out-of-the-box approach to using a circus as a front company. And I learned a new word—“Kerfuffle!”

I felt your subtext of Robert trying to molest a child as a form of celebration that would be isolated to him where others (the audience) would be appalled was a clever twist of portrayal. Robert is shown as a smooth operator when it comes to little girls as a clown, particularly using the darkness to mask his true appearance. His low self-esteem came through as depicted in his attire of raggedy clown hat and suit. He tried to deflect blame, in the form of gossip, for the ruckus in the last town by casting the attempt to sabotage Trent’s operations on someone else. Unfortunately, the incriminating bundle of cash undermined his alibi in the clandestine/secretive manner he had attempted to use in the last town.

Trent was the head man in a conspiracy with the other clowns in whatever nefarious operation they were running….like money laundering. Clearly, Trent’s aggressive reaction toward Robert is very noticeable throughout the scene, particularly since he was trying to keep the police’s attention from focusing on his hidden operation (in being meticulous), if Robert molested the little girl. Trent carrying himself as wealthy is abundant in how he sets up his office as a man of vision and has done well for himself. It also is a reflection of being needy and uses this to boost his self-esteem which is what he sort of has in common with Robert. Trent at the end of the day uses Robert as a front man for the operation and continues to step on Robert’s low self-esteem (of himself). By controlling Robert by force Trent keeps Robert in the poor house at Robert’s own expense.

Thoughts: A) Perhaps the celebration could have been expanded to reflect the girl’s birthday was being celebrated at the circus and she had balloons in tow to give the audience more atmospherics of a celebration. B) As I understood for the exercise, we were to write one scene. I do not know if transitioning from one location to three separate locations to constitute one scene though. That is a question to raise with Hal. I know in my scene I pushed the envelope and my final draft I have at the very end a second location outside from my initial scene, but then I suppose upon reflection I may have dwelled into several scenes around the same room in my own scene I composed.

Great job!

• This reply was modified 4 days, 13 hours ago by  Mark napier.
• This reply was modified 4 days, 13 hours ago by  Mark napier.
• This reply was modified 4 days, 13 hours ago by  Mark napier.
• This reply was modified 4 days, 13 hours ago by  Mark napier.

[Mary Albanese]

Mary’s notes on Rita’s scene.

I like that Trent was clearly aggressive, and also meticulous. We see he’s conspiring at the end.

I liked Trent’s subtext of pretending to be richer than he was. I liked the inventive settings. Going past the lions who smelled the blood had some fun suspense. I think you added that in the re-do, and I liked that addition. The fancy office was a surprise, and fit with Trent’s meticulous nature. Trent certainly was aggressive. I like how you wrapped it up at the end to make it clear Robert had been conspired against and betrayed. Good job!

• This reply was modified 4 days, 6 hours ago by  Mary Albanese.

[Mary Albanese]

It was clear that Trent was needy, conspiring, and pretending to be wealthier than he was. Robert was clearly gregarious, smooth, secretive, and I really liked his gossiping.
I really enjoyed the opening setting with the combative sea creatures on the wall locked in mortal combat. It set up this combative scene nicely. You fit in a number of fun interest techniques – betrayal, uncertainty (if Trent would make it to the toilet), some suspense if Trent would get caught and called out, cool setting, and some intrigue about how Robert was going to roll on Trent. T I thought the ending was really funny, and the fabrize line set it off well. Nice job!

• This reply was modified 4 days, 6 hours ago by  Mary Albanese.

[Rita Roberts]

Rita's Exchange with Mary's FIRST QE SCENE – SECOND DRAFT
I went about the feedback a little differently…

Well done! I added the traits and QE techniques I found in parentheses. I'm not sure you even need the poison part. I think there's enough intrigue and switch ups already. Good use of subtext to show the traits.

INT. SWANKY RESTERAUNT – NIGHT
The law firm hosts their annual Christmas party. People speak in excited but hushed whispers.

SECRETARY
Smith left the firm with no warning? They’ll have to pick a new senior partner. Who will it be?

Who, indeed. As people wonder, they steal discrete looks at the man standing alone in the center of the room in the immaculate Armani suit, TRENT. (meticulous, uses others' money to look rich)

One man cuts through the crowd towards Trent. This is new-hire ROBERT, who charms people with jokes and pats them on the back as he weaves his way to Trent. Once he gets there: (gregarious)

ROBERT
See how they’re looking at you? You’ve got it in the bag, Trent. And everyone here knows it. (gossip)

TRENT
I told you, Robert. You were a wise man to agree to be my assistant. I go up the ladder, you go with me. (aggressive, needy)

ROBERT
Exactly, boss. Why flub up cases on my own when I can learn so much from shadowing a brilliant mind like yours? (smooth)

TRENT
Just don’t forget to get my deposit back from the rental place when you tell them the suit didn’t fit me. (uses others' to look rich)

ROBERT
See? I’m learning so much already. Let’s toast. To success! (smooth, gregarious)

Robert grabs a champagne goblet from a waiter. Robert stumbles.

TRENT
Don’t be a klutz. That reflects badly on me. (meticulous, aggressive)

ROBERT
Sorry, boss. Just my stupid trick knee again.

Robert hunches over the drink, his back to Trent. Is Robert messing with the champagne? (suspense, mystery, intrigue)

Robert hands Trent the champagne. Grabs another goblet from a waiter for himself.

ROBERT
Here’s to the best man making partner!

They clink glasses and drink. Trent scowls at the taste.

ROBERT
You’re right — it tastes like cheap stuff. Hey, I know where they keep the good stuff. Come on, let’s go! You know you deserve it. (Sneaky, was that one of the traits?)

Trent nods, pleased. He follows Robert down a long corridor. To a dark back room. Robert holds the door open for Trent. (intrigue)

ROBERT
After you, boss.

Trent stumbles into the dark room. He grabs a bottle from the shelf.

Robert follows him in and flips a switch. Behind Robert’s back… is that some kind of stick? (suspense)

INT. BACK ROOM – NIGHT
Trent sees the bottle he holds isn’t wine, it’s rat poison. This is no wine storage room, the room’s lined with large bins of medical waste. (shock)

Trent YELPS as he drops the bottle.

TRENT
Where are we? I’m so dizzy…

Robert moves towards Trent. It’s not a stick he holds, it’s a BASEBALL BAT. (sudden shift)

TRENT
Robert? Dammit, you tell me what’s going on right now!

ROBERT
You thought you were so smart, making me do your dirty work to force Smith out. Making me do ALL your work. Did you actually think I LIKE being your step-and-fetch-it boy? Just because my L-SAT scores were lower than yours? (insecure)

TRENT
I’ve been helping you. You’re barely qualified to…

ROBERT
Wrong! I have the same degree as you. And you pride yourself on knowing all the facts. But here’s one fact you missed – I have learned so much from you — about getting rid of the competition.

Trent struggles to remain upright. He GASPS at the medical waste bins in horror.

TRENT
You… drugged me? And now you want to…

Robert smiles like the Mona Lisa as he closes in, his bat held high.

TRENT
No, please! I can’t handle pain. I’m begging you. I’ll do anything you want. Just don’t hurt me. (needy)

Robert WHACKS the bat down…

And SMACKS HIMSELF in the face! (whoa, surprise reverse!)

TRENT
What the hell?

ROBERT
(wailing)
Please, boss-man. Don’t hit me! Don’t destroy me like you destroyed Smith! (gossip to bring people down)

Robert LAUGHS, then SMACKS himself again, a wicked bruise already forming on his face.

TRENT
Wait! Stop! I’m not… I didn’t…

ROBERT
Of course, you did. Your plot forced Smith out. It was cleanly crafted. And brutal. But since I knew — and you like things neat and tidy — you had to get rid of me, too. Even though everyone knows how much I’ve worshipped you.

Robert WHACKS his own face again. He looks like a punching bag.

TRENT
You’re insane.

ROBERT
Am I? This time, I won’t even have to say anything! With all the clues I’ve dropped, once they see my face, they’ll all “know” what you did!

TRENT
No! You can’t do that! I’ll be finished!

ROBERT
And I will get the sympathy vote. They’ll promote ME to partner. I’ve been a victim my whole life — it’s time for me to finally get mine! (insecure)

TRENT
Oh, God, I’m going to be sick. My job. My career. I’ll be ruined! But please, just don’t hurt me. Tell me you’re not going to hurt me.

ROBERT
Yeah, I can’t afford to.

Robert heads for the door.

TRENT
(whispers)
Thank you, Jesus.

ROBERT
At least, not where it shows.

Robert FLINGS the bat at Trent’s legs. It SMASHES Trent’s knees — he buckles and falls.

ROBERT
HELP! Trent’s gone crazy and attacked me!

Robert RUSHES out. Leaving Trent in a pathetic, sobbing heap.