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Lesson 7: Exchange Feedback on Cycle 1
Post your assignment for feedback. You can also put a request for a feedback partner in this feed.
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This discussion was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by
cheryl croasmun.
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This discussion was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by
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23 Replies
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Madeleine’s scene ready for feedback.
INT. NOBLE HOTEL, LOBBY – NIGHT
ROBERT (33) dressed to the nines in a tuxedo looks around nervously. He approaches the front desk in an overly self-assertive manner.
ROBERT
I’m here for the birthday gala… where…
RECEPTION LADY
Good evening, sir. How are you doing?
ROBERT
Ah… good evening… hmm, I’m looking for the… Mr. Byron Birthday Gala… Mr. Trent Byron.
The Reception lady smiles and shakes her head.
RECEPTION LADY
I’m sorry Sir. We got no event scheduled for tonight.
Robert reaches into his pocket and takes out an amazing looking invitation. He hands it to the reception lady.
A clerk behind the desk nudges his colleague. They try to stay serious. Robert notices it and tries to look relaxed.
ROBERT
I’m probably a bit early.
(pause)
I could wait and have a drink.
RECEPTION LADY
Why don’t you have a seat in our lounge over there – just behind the flowers. I send somebody over.
Robert takes the invitation back and looks for his phone.
NINA (25) enters the lobby. She is nicely dressed but not too elegantly. She glances around and sees Robert.
NINA
Robert?
She approaches Robert and can hardly believe her eyes.
NINA
Am I missing something?
Robert is relieved to see somebody he knows, but also embarrassed because he notices the clerks realize that he is completely overdressed.
Robert takes Nina to the side and waves the invitation.
ROBERT
Trent invited me to his “birthday gala”.
NINA
Birthday gala? Trent told me that it’s just the three of us.Robert hands her over the invitation. Nina laughs, Robert puts up a fake smile.
NINA
You should know him… he’s always a bit exaggerating.
ROBERT
Where is Trent actually?
(pause)
Are you… still together?
Nina looks puzzled.
ROBERT
Let’s go to the lounge and have a drink before our birthday kid arrives.
Nina and Robert walk towards the lounge.
ROBERT
You’re such a great looking woman…
(pause)
I really don’t know what Trent’s problem is.
NINA
What are you talking about?
Nina and Robert sit down in the lounge. Robert clears his throat.
ROBERT
I don’t know if I should tell you, but lately Trent always mentioned a “Simona”.
NINA
Simona?
ROBERT
Yes, every time I wanted to see him, he was busy… had an excuse.
Nina looks rattled.
ROBERT
I did not want to worry you… maybe it’s just work related.
(pause)
Are you actually still kickboxing?
Nina nods and bends toward Robert.
NINA
Now, when you say this… he was a bit strange lately…
Trent (30) casually dressed arrives at the lounge. He has a big smile on his face.
TRENT
Nina… Robert… I’m so happy to celebrate with you.
(pause)
Uh… Robert, nicely dressed.
Nina kisses Trent hesitantly. Robert gives Trent a big hug and squeezes him excessively. Trent pushes Robert away.
TRENT
Hey man…
Trent steps back and scrutinizes Robert with a smile. Then he takes off a hair of Robert’s shoulder.
Robert waves the invitation.
ROBERT
What about this?
Trent leans over to Robert.
TRENT
Hey man… listen… I got a problem… I was in a hurry… left my credit card and everything at home…
Robert smiles mildly.
ROBERT
Ah… I just forgot something at the desk… I’m right back.
Robert leaves the lounge quickly.
NINA
What’s the matter with you? You’re late… you do an number on Robert…
TRENT
That was funny… I asked at the front desk and they told me that he looked pretty lost…
NINA
… and what’s with this “Simona” Robert mentioned?
Trent shrugs absentmindedly because he tries to get the waiter’s attention.
The reception lady appears from behind the flowers. When she spots Trent, she walks straight toward him and hands him a nice rose together with a little envelope.
Trent looks puzzled.
Robert joins Nina and Trent nonchalantly.
ROBERT
Uh… what a nice rose.
(pause)
Are the two love birds ready for dinner?
Trent looks still puzzled. He opens the envelope and reads the card.
TRENT
Happy birthday… and love… Simona…
(pause)
Simona? Who?
Nina gets up harshly and walks towards the exit of the hotel. Trent gets up as well and follows her.
In the middle of the lobby he grabs her arm and tries to stop her.
TRENT
Let’s clear things over dinner, ok?
Nina frees herself with a perfect martial art hold and holds Trent tightly.
Everybody in the lobby stares with disbelief at the two.
TRENT
Nina darling, please believe me… somebody set me up for this.
NINA
It’s rather you, setting up everybody.
Trent glances hostilely toward Robert.
TRENT
Of course, you… Robert!
Nina deals him a heavy blow.
NINA
Happy birthday, Trent!
As Trent sinks down in the middle of the lobby as everybody stares at them in disbelief. -
Laurie’s Feedback for Madeliene: (I noted the character traits and interest techniques that I found in ALL CAPS.)
A clerk behind the desk nudges his colleague. They try to stay serious. Robert notices it and tries to look relaxed. – INTRIGUE
Robert is relieved to see somebody he knows, but also embarrassed because he notices the clerks realize that he is completely overdressed. – LOW SELF ESTEEM TRAIT
NINA
You should know him… he’s always a bit exaggerating. – SETTING UP TRENT’S SUBTEXTROBERT
Where is Trent actually?
(pause)
Are you… still together?
Nina looks puzzled. SUSPENSEROBERT
I don’t know if I should tell you, but lately Trent always mentioned a “Simona”. ROBERT’S SUBTEXT OF GOSSIPNina kisses Trent hesitantly. Robert gives Trent a big hug and squeezes him excessively. Trent pushes Robert away. AGGRESSIVE TRAIT
Trent steps back and scrutinizes Robert with a smile. Then he takes off a hair of Robert’s shoulder. METICULOUS TRAIT
TRENT
Hey man… listen… I got a problem… I was in a hurry… left my credit card and everything at home…
Robert smiles mildly. TRENT’S SUBTEXTNINA
It’s rather you, setting up everybody.
Trent glances hostilely toward Robert. TWISTTRENT
Of course, you… Robert! BETRAYAL.Nina deals him a heavy blow.
NINA
Happy birthday, Trent!
As Trent sinks down in the middle of the lobby as everybody stares at them in disbelief. SCENE ARCSUMMARY: I thought it was a well-written scene that employed most, but not all of the character traits and interest techniques. I wasn’t clear on the essence except that these guys have a complicated history and there was some payback or one-upmanship in the works. I wanted to know why Trent invited Robert — he wants Robert to pay for dinner, obviously but why was he invited on what was clearly a date and not a party? And why did Robert preplan to bring up Simona, have the rose delivered, and expect Nina to beat up Trent when he thought there was going to be more people there? I suggest creating dramatic irony by having Robert deliver some smooth or gregarious dialogue to the clerk in the setup (despite his secretiveness which I also found really difficult to do) or have him say something at the end of the scene that makes the essence and subtext clear.
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Shelley’s feedback for Madeleine-
Following Mary’s response; I thought too it was a well-written scene. I would have liked greater depth in the characters’ engagement (maybe a bit more of Robert’s “smooth and gregarious” nature)and felt there was something more needed at the end of the scene that would add to the “ass-kicking” that Trent as the instigator, might have gotten:) Great work!
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Laurie’s Scene for Feedback
EXT. CARNIVAL TRAILER, DUST BOWL ERA, NEBRASKA – NIGHT
There’s a faded glory to the purple velvet couch, leather chairs and carved oak desk.
TRENT, carnival empresario, 50’s, dressed in shabby clothes that were once expensive, goes over the books. He shakes his head in disgust, unlocks a money box, and takes a meager roll of cash. He carefully counts it into piles.
A KNOCK. Trent quickly puts the money back in the box, puts it in a drawer and locks it.
TRENT
Come in!
ROBERT, a newly hired circus clown, 30’s, enters, wearing longies and a tutu.
TRENT
Just the man I want to see. Cute get up.
ROBERT
I was getting ready to go one, sir, when they said you wanted to speak with me. I hope I haven’t done something wrong?
TRENT
Don’t get your panties in a knot. Sit, sit.
Trent pours 2 glasses of whisky and offers Robert a cigar. Lights it for him.
ROBERT
It’s not my birthday. To what do I owe the honor?
TRENT
To welcome you, you ninny. Show you how thrilled I am to have you under my big top. I expect ticket sales to go through the roof once word gets out.
ROBERT
About what? I’m a lowly clown, sir.
TRENT
I need you to trust me, son. Can you do that?
ROBERT
Of course. But I want to be clear. You hired me to work with the other clowns, right? Should I be working on a solo act?
TRENT
That’s rich. Listen to you. By the way, are you getting along with the other clowns? I bet it’s a laugh a minute.
ROBERT
Not exactly. I probably shouldn’t say anything, but I overheard Tommy talking to another one of the clowns. He was saying they’re not going to waste their time working me into the act —
TRENT
Oh, he did, did he!
TOMMY, painted clown face, wearing a polka dot costume, sticks his head in the door.
TOMMY
Boss! Chester says to tell you the ‘roo ain’t cooperating. He can’t get the gloves on him no how and they don’t know what to do.
TRENT
Goddamn, Chester! You tell him to figure it out, pronto, if he knows what’s good for him.
TOMMY
Will do, boss.
Tommy pops his head out.
TRENT
Not so fast, Tommy! What’s this I hear about you and the others not working Robert into your act?
TOMMY
But you said —
TRENT
Never mind what I said.
TOM
Sure thing, boss! Anything else?
Trent takes a big puff from his cigar and Toomy quickly shuts the door.
ROBERT
I’m guessing they have their own way of doing the act. I don’t want to be seen as taking over or trying to show them up. I’m more than happy to take my cue from what the others do if you know what I mean.
TRENT
Don’t tell me what you’re happy to do. Let’s get this out in the open. I brought you on to lead the way! Do well, and I may even cut you in down the line. But first you need to show some gumption.
ROBERT
Yes, sit. I’ll do my best. But like I said, can you be more clear? Is there anything in particular you want?
TRENT
Be a goddamn good clown who does what he’s told!
ROBERT
Fine. I assume you’ll let me know more when the time comes.
TRENT
Don’t be coy with me. I know goddamn well you were a bare knuckle champion back in the day before the world went to hell. I bet you did a lot of dancing, too, with the ladies and in the ring. Show the crowd some of that fancy footwork and ham it up with your dukes. Am I clear now?
ROBERT
I think we have a misunderstanding. I don’t know where you got that idea?
TRENT
From your press clippings, damn it! What was your win loss record?
ROBERT
I don’t recall —
TRENT
No man forgets his triumphs. I want details —
ROBERT
Okay, if you’re really interested in my boxing record, I have plenty of stories to tell. I was quite the dandy in the ring, by the way, went by the name of Prancing Robbie, but when I take a punch now it’s for pretend, to keep the parents and kids laughing.
TRENT
The crowd knows the difference between a prat fall and the real thing. I want you to combine the two. Giggles and mayhem. That’s something new!
ROBERT
Then I’ll have a partner in the ring to take the prat falls? Should I talk to Tommy?
TRENT
No need. We’re going to get ‘em on the edge of their seats and keep ‘em there with — let’s just say we’re going to give ‘em a spectacle they wouldn’t soon forget!
ROBERT
I’ll give it my all! I only hope I don’t disappoint you.
TRENT
I’m counting on it. Between you and me, I’ve got a new backer, who’ll shell out the big bucks, soon as all the pieces fit together. We have to prove ourselves. You and I, together, we’ll show him!
ROBERT
How do we do that?
Trent pulls out his pocket watch.
TRENT
Look at the time. Walk with me.
The men leave the wagon.
EXT. CARNIVAL TENT – NIGHT
A big tent, crowds filing in. Above the entrance, a hand painted sheet flaps. We see a clown wearing a tutu standing in a boxing ring with his dukes up against a kangaroo.
ROBERT
Now I get it! One of the clowns will be wearing a kangaroo suit!
TRENT
The suit don’t come off.
ROBERT
No? I bet I know why.
TRENT
It’s better to keep the world guessing, son. Things stay fresh that way. ‘Roos name in John L. After the great fighter. Now don’t hurt him. He likes to feel like he’s in charge and he’s worth a small fortune. But make it look real. Give the crowd a show!
ROBERT
What? No! That’s your plan? I’m not going to fight a helpless animal.
TRENT
Oh, he’s not helpless. Those feet can deliver a mean punch. Just use your footwork. Dance him around the ring until he’s starting to get tired. But not until he’s delivered few punches your way. You know what I mean. Make it look real. The crowd loves a good ass kicking!
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Hi Laurie,
Some quick feedback – I love the setting; it’s unusual and creates lots of interest. It’s a fun scene. Good job on improving it also. Trent has money issues, conspires against Rob, shows he’s meticulous about money, but maybe not in other areas and he’s aggressive. I don’t really get Rob’s gregariousness. Low self esteem – yes – and he’s kinda smooth with his boss.
The arc is there, although we don’t see him getting beaten up – it would probably take way too long, but it would be cool if Rob could resist, Trent wants to beat him up and somehow they both end up in the ring with the kangaroo in front of the crowd and Rob lands a few real punches on Trent, apologising as he does so. I’m thinking a twist and a surprise – interest techniques. You already have a good surprise and a twist with the kangaroo gag. Some intrigue happening [or suspense – not sure which], betrayal… BTW, Tommy sticking his head in really works to reveal Trent’s conspiring and that creates intrigue/suspense.
Not sure about Rob’s subtext….
All up, great job. The scene skips along really well and keeps us engaged. 🙂
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Feedback for Laurie:
Andrew already gave a great feedback. Here some of my thoughts.
I put the interest techniques, traits, subtext I found in parenthesis (I did not mention all of them). You did a good job in getting them all in. The story you’re telling is a very creative execution of the exercise given.
I did not see so much of Robert’s “gregarious” trait – but maybe I missed it. The end is a very cool idea, maybe you can make the kangaroo surprise a bit punchier.
PS thank you for my feedback!
EXT. CARNIVAL TRAILER, DUST BOWL ERA, NEBRASKA – NIGHT (Interesting Setting)
TRENT. He carefully counts it into piles. (Meticulous) (Suspense)
A KNOCK. Trent quickly puts the money back in the box, puts it in a drawer and locks it. (Conspiring)
ROBERT I hope I haven’t done something wrong? (Low self-esteem)
Trent pours 2 glasses of whisky and offers Robert a cigar. Lights it for him. (Subtext)
About what? I’m a lowly clown, sir. (Low self-esteem)
TRENT
I need you to trust me, son. Can you do that? (Conspiring, needy)
Not exactly. I probably shouldn’t say anything, but I overheard Tommy talking to another one of the clowns. He was saying they’re not going to waste their time working me into the act —
(Subtext Robert)
TOMMY
Boss! Chester says to tell you the ‘roo ain’t cooperating. He can’t get the gloves on him no how and they don’t know what to do. (Suspense)
TRENT
Goddamn, Chester! You tell him to figure it out, pronto, if he knows what’s good for him. (Aggressive)
TOMMY
But you said — (Intrigue)
ROBERT
I’m guessing they have their own way of doing the act. I don’t want to be seen as taking over or trying to show them up. I’m more than happy to take my cue from what the others do if you know what I mean. (Smooth, low self-esteem)
ROBERT
Yes, sit. I’ll do my best. But like I said, can you be more clear? Is there anything in particular you want? (Low self-esteem)
TRENT
Be a goddamn good clown who does what he’s told! (Aggressive)
ROBERT
I think we have a misunderstanding. I don’t know where you got that idea? (Surprise)
ROBERT
I don’t recall — (Surprise)
TRENT
No man forgets his triumphs. I want details — (Meticulous)
ROBERT
Okay, if you’re really interested in my boxing record, I have plenty of stories to tell. I was quite the dandy in the ring, by the way, went by the name of Prancing Robbie, but when I take a punch now it’s for pretend, to keep the parents and kids laughing. (Character changes radically)
TRENT
The crowd knows the difference between a prat fall and the real thing. I want you to combine the two. Giggles and mayhem. That’s something new! (Mislead) (Subtext Trent)
ROBERT
I’ll give it my all! I only hope I don’t disappoint you. (Low self-esteem)
TRENT
I’m counting on it. Between you and me, I’ve got a new backer, who’ll shell out the big bucks, soon as all the pieces fit together. We have to prove ourselves. You and I, together, we’ll show him! (Conspiring)
EXT. CARNIVAL TENT – NIGHT
A big tent, crowds filing in. Above the entrance, a hand painted sheet flaps. We see a clown wearing a tutu standing in a boxing ring with his dukes up against a kangaroo. (Reveal)
ROBERT
Now I get it! One of the clowns will be wearing a kangaroo suit! (Major twist)
TRENT
It’s better to keep the world guessing, son. Things stay fresh that way. ‘Roos name in John L. After the great fighter. Now don’t hurt him. He likes to feel like he’s in charge and he’s worth a small fortune. But make it look real. Give the crowd a show! (Intrigue)
ROBERT
What? No! That’s your plan? I’m not going to fight a helpless animal. (Smooth)
TRENT
Oh, he’s not helpless. Those feet can deliver a mean punch. Just use your footwork. Dance him around the ring until he’s starting to get tired. But not until he’s delivered few punches your way. You know what I mean. Make it look real. The crowd loves a good ass kicking! (Character changes radically)
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Laurie,
I enjoyed your creative twist with your circus scene! I also am learning so much from reading everyone’s feedback. I can only ditto Andrew’s and Jennifer’s responses regarding Robert’s gregariousness and would like to see his “secretiveness” brought out which would add another layer to his character. Love this!
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Feedback for Laurie:
Really enjoyed your scene! You brought me into the circus world right away and introduced
Trent’s character: You brought me into the circus world right away and introduced Trent’s character well at the top in his description (costume) and seeing him count his money in piles. He counts every penny and looks like he does in his shabby attire. The “meticulous” trait shows here and how well he locks up and counts his money. Clever. His language is aggressive with his lines as soon as he meets Robert “Don’t get your panties in a knot. Sit, sit.” Also with name callling “you ninny”. You have also shown well his “conspiring trait” with his immediate disclosure when he says “I expect ticket sales to go through the roof once word gets out”. Also when he discloses “making new plans with a new backer”. He’s conspiring and envisioning “big things” with Robert bringing in his “hidden talents”. He isn’t rich and you’ve established the reason for his need and also the business plans as we move through the scene that bring out just how conspiring and meticulous he has been even before hiring Robert. Prancing Robbie it hired without Robert having any clue. This links directly to Trent’s neediness.
His neediness is established in accord with his business plans for Robert. For example when he says “I brought you on to lead the way! Do well and I may even cut you in down the line” “Be a goddamn good clown who does what he’s told”.
I also enjoyed the build in the scene at the end. No holds bard for Trent’s plan to release Robert’s former identity as Prancing Robbie to make a comeback under the spotlight to make him rich. Robert’s reason for being secretive about his past works very well in the context of entertaining the kids and families. As mentioned in other feedback, Robert’s gregariousness is not as obvious in the scene and I can see with the aggressive personality of Trent, that it was tricky to bring this out. No doubt, you’d find a way in a 3rd draft easily. You established very clearly Trent’s low self-esteem for example in the lines such as “I hope I haven’t said something wrong” and “I’m a lowly clown.”
No question, Robert handles his interactions with Trent very smoothly. His subtext to “create gossip” shows his competitive edge as he drops the “they don’t want to include me in the act” bit.
Enjoyed this scene very much Laurie! Nicely done.
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Jennifer’s Scene for Feedback
Jennifer’s Q+E Scene – Draft 2
INT. CHURCH – DAY
ROBERT, early 30’s is the best man for TRENT, also in his early 30’s who is about to get married. They have been friends since they were dorm mates at college. Robert and Trent are in the bathroom getting themselves ready for the wedding ceremony. Robert is casually struggling with his bow tie. Robert is full of song and spirits.
ROBERT (singing)
“Going to the chapel and your going to get married, going to the chapel and your going to get married ….. “
Robert puts his arm around Trent and starts to do some dance steps. Trent pushes him back and adjusts his suit. Robert pulls out a mickey of whiskey from under his jacket, takes a slug and passes it to Trent.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
Time for one last shot of freedom dude!
TRENT
Nope. Can’t have any alcohol on my breath when I say my vows.
ROBERT
Don’t tell me you’re afraid of blowing it with her already! That’s rich.
Trent frowns at Robert and concentrates on the gel application on his already coiffed hair.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
So, did you get a look at the bridesmaids? Guess they had quite the party on that little dinner cruise they went on huh ….
Robert struggles with his bow tie.
TRENT
You don’t know how to tie that do ya?
ROBERT
Did I say I couldn’t tie a flippin’ bow tie? Huh? C’mon, I’m the man!
TRENT
Clearly you can’t dude.
Trent yanks the bow tie off of Robert’s neck and reaches into his faux leather Gucci men’s shoulder bag.
TRENT (CONT’D)
Here. This one clips on.
He presents Robert with a “clip-on” version.
ROBERT
You’re kidding me, right? What do you think this is dude, kindergarten?! Jesus Christ!
TRENT
I know you and I know you’re a buffoon ok? Today of all days man, you gotta pull this off. Here try this instead.
Robert checks it out and is duly impressed.
ROBERT
Silk … sweet. Didn’t know they sell Armani on the streets. Haha! Gawd you’re seriously good!
TRENT
Ya gotta pull this off for me today bud. You gotta look like a class act cuz I’m marrying a classy lady.
ROBERT
Yeah. Right. That’s not what I heard when she partied with the girls on their “cruise with booze”.
TRENT
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
The sound of wedding party guests are heard outside the door. Both men freeze. They glare at one another. Trent grabs Robert by the back of his blazer jacket and drags him into a small cloak room connected to the bathroom.
ROBERT
What bullshit are you spouting about now? Just before I’m about to have the biggest moment of my entire life? The moment I’ve been dreaming of my entire life?
TRENT
Hey, it’s me, ya know, like I don’t know why you’re marrying Kristina.
Robert winces and begins to breath loudly and deeply. His hands in tight fists.
ROBERT
What’s that supposed to mean?
TRENT
That she’s about to have your baby and she’s marrying you cuz she and her parents think you’re rich as shit.
Robert pops him one right on the nose. Trent bends over dripping blood all over his suit. Robert straightens his bow tie, sniffs and brushes back his hair.
ROBERT
You are so full of absolute shit ya know that? I needed a best man today and it looks like I picked the wrong guy.
Robert checks his watch.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
I don’t have time for this. I should’ve known you’d pull this crap. If you spew any more bullshit about the love of my life there’ll be plenty of more blood and believe me, it won’t be mine.
PAUSE
ROBERT (CONT’D)
There’s a suit jacket in the trunk. Snap to it – we got 5 minutes til show time.
Robert tosses Trent his car keys and exits.
Trent pulls out his phone and takes a photo of his bloody face and sends it out on social media with a text that reads “This is what you get when you agree to be the best man at Rob’s wedding!”
Trent pulls the wedding ring from out of his pocket, tosses it on the floor and exits.
End of Scene
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Jennifer’s Feedback Exchange Scene – Please ignore Draft #2 already posted directly above here – as character names got switched causing confusion. They are corrected in this version.
Jennifer’s Q+E Scene – Draft 3
INT. CHURCH – DAY
ROBERT, early 30’s is the best man for TRENT, also in his early 30’s who is about to get married. They have been friends since they were dorm mates at college. Robert and Trent are in the bathroom getting themselves ready for the wedding ceremony. Robert is casually struggling with his bow tie. Robert is full of song and spirits.
ROBERT (singing)
“Going to the chapel and your going to get married, going to the chapel and your going to get married ….. “
Robert puts his arm around Trent and starts to do some dance steps. Trent pushes him back and adjusts his suit. Robert pulls out a mickey of whiskey from under his jacket, takes a slug and passes it to Trent.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
Time for one last shot of freedom dude!
TRENT
Nope. Can’t have any alcohol on my breath when I say my vows.
ROBERT
Don’t tell me you’re afraid of blowing it with her already! That’s rich.
Trent frowns at Robert and concentrates on the gel application on his already coiffed hair.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
So, did you get a look at the bridesmaids? Guess they had quite the party on that little dinner cruise they went on huh ….
Robert struggles with his bow tie.
TRENT
You don’t know how to tie that do ya?
ROBERT
Did I say I couldn’t tie a flippin’ bow tie? Huh? C’mon, I’m the man!
TRENT
Clearly you can’t dude.
Trent yanks the bow tie off of Robert’s neck and reaches into his faux leather Gucci men’s shoulder bag.
TRENT (CONT’D)
Here. This one clips on.
He presents Robert with a “clip-on” version.
ROBERT
You’re kidding me, right? What do you think this is dude, kindergarten?! Jesus Christ!
TRENT
I know you and I know you’re a buffoon ok? Today of all days man, you gotta pull this off. Here try this instead.
Robert checks it out and is duly impressed.
ROBERT
Silk … sweet. Didn’t know they sell Armani on the streets. Haha! Gawd you’re seriously good!
TRENT
Ya gotta pull this off for me today bud. You gotta look like a class act cuz I’m marrying a classy lady.
ROBERT
Yeah. Right. That’s not what I heard when she partied with the girls on their “cruise with booze”.
TRENT
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
The sound of wedding party guests are heard outside the door. Both men freeze. They glare at one another. Trent grabs Robert by the back of his blazer jacket and drags him into a small cloak room connected to the bathroom.
TRENT
What bullshit are you spouting about now? Just before I’m about to have the biggest moment of my entire life? The moment I’ve been dreaming of my entire life?
ROBERT
Hey, it’s me, ya know, like I don’t know why you’re marrying Kristina.
Trent winces and begins to breath loudly and deeply. His hands in tight fists.
TRENT
What’s that supposed to mean?
ROBERT
That she’s about to have your baby and she’s marrying you cuz she and her parents think you’re rich as shit.
TRENT pops him one right on the nose. Trent bends over dripping blood all over his suit. Robert straightens his bow tie, sniffs and brushes back his hair.
TRENT
You are so full of absolute shit ya know that? I needed a best man today and it looks like I picked the wrong guy.
TRENT checks his watch.
TRENT (CONT’D)
I don’t have time for this. I should’ve known you’d pull this crap. If you spew any more bullshit about the love of my life there’ll be plenty of more blood and believe me, it won’t be mine.
Robert moans covering his bleeding nose.
TRENT (CONT’D)
There’s a suit jacket in the trunk. Snap to it – we got 5 minutes til show time.
TRENT tosses` his car keys and exits.
Robert pulls out his phone and takes a photo of his bloody face and sends it out on social media with a text that reads “Rob’s way of saying thank you for being his best man at his wedding!”
Robert pulls the wedding ring from out of his pocket, tosses it on the floor and exits.
End of Scene
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Hi Jennifer,
What I love about this is how much you got in such a short scene – really economical. Scene arc is there. Trent is aggressive, meticulous and his subtext comes through clearly [BTW, still some mixed up naming near the end], and he’s needy. Rob is gregarious from the get-go, and smooth. He tries to spread a rumor, but from Trent’s reaction we think it’s true, so not really spreading rumors – and his little stunt at the end… well, that’s true also. So here’s a suggestion. Trent controls himself, and just shoves Rob; then Rob fakes some blood and sends out the social media post – now it’s clearly a rumor. He could even add that it’s because Kristina is pregnant – which Trent has just denied? [Then he goes through with his role, not dropping the ring – he could hold it over the toilet for a moment, then put it back in his pocket]. This gives you a twist, a surprise… so, getting to the interest techniques, we got some suspense, some hope/fear working, betrayal and Rob changes radically at the end. I think you could up the suspense and irony by giving us a hint of Rob planning something different in the beginning, making him secretive also, but maybe that ruins the twist – I’m not sure. I also thought you could bring someone else into the room which would potentially highlight some of their traits, create more tension – but that would also lengthen the scene, and the economy of this scene is a strength. Also, give Rob just a moment where he wishes he could be like Trent, marrying Kristina – that gives him low self-esteem.
All up, a great job! I hope these few ideas help lift it even more 🙂
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Andrew’s scene for feedback [same as Lesson 6 post] – thanks 🙂
EXT. UPMARKET CAR – DAY
TRENT, ten years young, checks his perfectly combed hair in the passenger mirror.
TRENT
I hate being late.
MOTHER
Trent, we’re late because you made all those calls.
Trent straightens his sleeves, taking a deep breath to steel himself for what’s to come.
INT. ROBERT’S HOUSE-LIVING AREA – DAY
ROBERT, small for his age, looks out through a gap in the curtains. Behind him is JACK, a big bruiser of a kid.
ROBERT
He’s here.
He turns to Jack, suddenly unsure.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
Are you going to do this?
Jack smiles, rubs a fist into the other hand.
Behind them hangs a ‘Happy 10th Birthday Robert’ banner along with a bunch of helium balloons. Party food and soft drinks cover the table. Gifts adorn a small side table.
A number of ten year old kids chat and eat around the room, most keeping an eye on Robert.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
Trent did it.
Jack nods and heads off.
The doorbell rings. Robert runs to the door, pulling it open.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
Trent! I’m so glad you could come.
TRENT
Hi Robert.
ROBERT
(to the other guests)
Hey everyone, Trent’s here. The fun’s about to start.
A murmur ripples through the guests.
Trent eyes the guests suspiciously as he holds out a perfectly wrapped gift.
TRENT
This isn’t your whole present. I’m going to get you something more.
ROBERT
(takes gift)
You don’t need to do that. I heard about your dad.
TRENT
What?
Robert includes the other guests.
ROBERT
We heard about your dad losing all that money.
TRENT
Someone’s spreading rumors again.
ROBERT
Oh. That’s good then. I mean, about your dad.
Trent’s eyes move from person to person in the room.
TRENT
Yeah.
Trent turns to the food table.
Robert hesitates, suddenly uncertain.
He indicates to the guests with a gesture to stay calm, as he joins Trent at the table.
ROBERT
Yeah, well, maybe it’s best leave it alone, huh?
TRENT
Why? You covering for someone?
Trent pours himself a soft drink into a paper cup.
ROBERT
Look… thing is, Jack said he’s gonna beat you up.
TRENT
What for?
ROBERT
That rumor about him.
Trent turns to the other guests.
TRENT
Everyone knows you’re the one who starts rumors, Rob.
ROBERT
(smiling)
That’s not what Jack thinks.
TRENT
Is he here?
ROBERT
Trent. He could really hurt you.
TRENT
Is – he – here?
ROBERT
(hesitant)
He’s in my room. But don’t go in there.
Trent gulps down his soft drink.
TRENT
Okay, I won’t.
Robert’s eyes flick to the guests. He wasn’t expecting this.
ROBERT
Good… good… ’cause nobody here will think you’re a coward.
Trent crushes his cup in his hand as he eyes the guests.
Uncertain looks pass between the other kids.
Trent walks over to another kid, TIM, pulling out his cell phone and handing it to Tim.
TRENT
Look after this for me. It’s not a cheap phone. Got a great camera.
Tim takes the phone, but Trent doesn’t let go of it. Their eyes meet. Something passes between them. Tim nods.
Robert watches, breathless with anticipation now.
ROBERT
Trent…
Trent stalks past him in the direction of the bedrooms.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
You better go in swinging. If you don’t get the first punch in, he’ll kill you.
As soon as Trent has disappeared, Robert signals urgently to the rest of the kids to follow him to the TV screen.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
(quietly)
Quick. It’s going to be a great show.
The Kids gather in front of the TV. Robert flicks it on.
The scene is of a boy’s room – Robert’s – a high angle from a camera in the corner of the room, the door in view.
TIM
Where’s Jack?
ROBERT
He should be… he should be there.
A couple of kids snigger and cough – it’s not happening.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
Something’s wrong – just wait.
Robert runs out in the direction of the bedrooms.
INT. ROBERT’S HOUSE-BEDROOM CORRIDOR – DAY
Robert runs down the corridor, slowing to a cautious walk as he approaches his closed bedroom door.
Suddenly, Robert is hit from behind, smashing into his bedroom door.
As he turns to face his attacker, a fist collects him on the nose. Blood spouts.
The door opens and Robert crashes to the floor in his room.
INT. ROBERT’S HOUSE-LIVING AREA – DAY
The kids gasp as on the screen they see Jack laying into Robert who is curled on the floor, trying to protect himself.
TRENT (O.S.)
You getting all this?
Tim nods as he films the scene on TV with the cell phone.
TIM
What you going to do with it?
TRENT
It might be worth something one day.
Jack gives Robert a final kick and leaves the room.
Tim stops filming and hands the cell phone to Trent.
TIM
Time to go everyone.
The kids clear out, heading for the front door.
Trent looks at the screen.
TRENT
Happy birthday, Robbie.
He pockets his phone, straightens his shirt sleeves, and turns off the TV screen.
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Feedback
You got a scene with many twists and turns – well done. I also found that you used most of the traits, Robert and Trent’s subtext and many of the different interest techniques and the scene arch as well. I put some of the ones I found in parenthesis (you used more of course).
I did not see so much of Robert being gregarious and low self-esteem. His subtext was very clear. I also did not see so much of Trent’s neediness – but maybe I missed it.
I liked the read and the suspense you were building – changing all the time.
I hate being late. (Meticulous)
Trent, we’re late because you made all those calls. (Set up)
Trent straightens his sleeves, taking a deep breath to steel himself for what’s to come. (Suspense)
Are you going to do this? (Secretive)
Hey everyone, Trent’s here. The fun’s about to start. (Mislead)
This isn’t your whole present. I’m going to get you something more. (Conspiring)
You don’t need to do that. I heard about your dad. (Secretive)
We heard about your dad losing all that money. (Subtext Robert)
He indicates to the guests with a gesture to stay calm, as he joins Trent at the table. (Secretive)
Look… thing is, Jack said he’s gonna beat you up. (Surprise)
Everyone knows you’re the one who starts rumors, Rob. (Aggressive)
Is he here? (Aggressive)
Trent crushes his cup in his hand as he eyes the guests. (Aggressive)
Tim takes the phone, but Trent doesn’t let go of it. Their eyes meet. Something passes between them. Tim nods. (Character changes radically)
Quick. It’s going to be a great show. (Intrigue)
He should be… he should be there. (Surprise)
Something’s wrong – just wait. (Surprise)
Suddenly, Robert is hit from behind, smashing into his bedroom door. (Betrayal)
You getting all this? (Reveal)
What you going to do with it? (Major twist)
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Here’s my scene if anyone would like to critique it….
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY
Robert has just bought Trent’s ball bearing distribution company.
The post-closing celebration is winding down. Lawyers and secretaries file out. Cake plates and champagne flutes are scattered about.
A crew comes in to clean up as Robert and Trent remain.
One of the cleaning crew, a large and muscular man, catches Trent’s eye. Trent nods.
TRENT
I gotta hand it to you, Bob. You’re a hell of a negotiator.
ROBERT
Coming from a shark like you, that’s a hell of a compliment.
TRENT
That clause you insisted on in the contract….
ROBERT
I wouldn’t have insisted but my lawyers thought it was prudent to include it.
TRENT
The lawyers made you do it, huh?
ROBERT
They’re like women, aren’t they? Can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without ‘em.
TRENT
But who would have thought? “If net revenue decreases by five percent in the quarter prior to closing, the purchase price shall automatically drop by two million dollars”.
ROBERT
Yeah, who knew, right?
TRENT
We’ve never had that kind of drop in sales in one quarter in the forty five year history of the company.
ROBERT
Yeah, that was too bad, I guess.
TRENT
We never expected it to kick in.
ROBERT
You never know.
TRENT
That story in the WSJ about defective parts coming in from China and being re-labeled as our product, made by us in the U.S.A., really clobbered sales. I mean something like that would quite naturally dent customer confidence, wouldn’t it Bob?
ROBERT
It sure could.
TRENT
Even though we managed to keep the big suppliers, the ones that know us well. It’s the small guys, the gas stations and local garages that lost confidence. And we just couldn’t get to all those guys to let them know the rumor was just that – bullshit. And that ended up costing me two million dollars.
ROBERT
That’s just business, Trent. Everything runs in cycles.
TRENT
The thing that baffles me though is where that rumor came from because we never did that.
ROBERT
You know how rumors are, Trent. You never know where one comes from, or who started it.
TRENT
I looked under every mouse pad and every desk chair and every laptop in the company, and there was nothing there. So it had to come from outside the company.
ROBERT
If you’re sure you made a thorough search.
TRENT
I’m pretty sure, Bob. But just that little seed of doubt was all it took to eat away over five percent of profits.
ROBERT
You still got a big payday. Have another glass of Krug and let’s celebrate.
TRENT
You don’t have any idea where it might have come from do you?
ROBERT
Like I said, those things just spring from the earth sometimes, like mushrooms behind a summer rain. Like just from out of nowhere.
TRENT
I didn’t have to sell the company. But I agreed to sell to you because we’re shifting our overall emphasis to greener industries. But now that I sold it, that two million is kinda stuck in my craw.
ROBERT
Maybe a little of this fine champagne will dislodge it.
Robert fills Trent’s glass.
TRENT
Something will eventually.
ROBERT
Well, I for one never believed the rumor. Hell, I wouldn’t have gone through with the deal if I had.
TRENT
Why did you not believe it?
ROBERT
Because I believed in you, Trent. I knew you wouldn’t do anything like that. It was just unfortunate about the rumor. Anyway I propose a toast.
Robert raises his glass.
ROBERT
Here’s to your success! Cheers! And congratulations!
An assistant enters.
ASSISTANT
Trent, excuse me. The bank is on the line. They would like to speak with Robert. Some issue with the funding. It’s being held up.
TRENT
Well that’s no good. Robert, you better talk to them.
ROBERT
(to the assistant)
Can you put the call through?
TRENT
Why don’t you take it in the visitors’ office? There’s more privacy in there. The walls are soundproof.
INT. OFFICE SUITE – HALLWAY – DAY
The assistant walks with Robert to the visitors’ office and closes the door behind him.
INT. VISITORS’ OFFICE – DAY
Robert does not see the two masked men until they start beating him. They continue until they have extracted about two million out of his flesh.
END SCENE
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Hi Hilton,
I just got a few minutes so hoping this helps.
The scene definitely fulfils the brief; scene arc and subtext of both characters is clear.
Robert is secretive, pretty smooth, tries but fails to be gregarious as far as Trent is concerned.
Trent is conspiring, aggressive… I’m trying to remember the other traits (I’m on my phone so I don’t know how to look back without losing this post.
Interest techniques: I need to see the list to help me, so I’m not being much help… but I saw the ending coming. It was pretty clear Robert spread the rumour, so if he’d been just as upset by it, maybe offered some small compensation, agreed with Trent they needed to find out because it was bad for business… that might have kept us guessing. Trent could then have seemed more unsure, and the final beating then comes as a surprise, and Trent supporting that as a radical change.
Just some thoughts on how you might improve interest techniques.
Hope that helps.
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Hi Hilton,
I like the scene arc and how it immediately takes us into the tension with TRENT’s inquiry. Trent is on target, being meticulous in his investigation, and Robert, smooth talking and secretive. May I suggest it might be helpful for Robert to bring out his other character traits, such as being gregarious and needy, which would give depth to their interactions.
Another thought that arose was possibly to have TRENT be more direct at accusing ROBERT, which might bring out ROBERT’s low self-esteem and add to some Suspense, Intrigue, and possibly Betrayal. A consideration is maybe Robert doesn’t go so easily into the room, takes off has to do something else, or adding a little Dramatic Irony.
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The other writers have covered the assignment details pretty well, so I’ll just add a few general observations. First, I thought you did a terrific job of laying out dialogue that built tension as we went. Trent’s dialogue becomes increasingly tense as the scene progresses, signaling the end, as one of our colleagues pointed out. I thought that was a good thing because it created most of the tension in the scene.
I was a little confused about the time line, specifically, I thought the meeting was to sign the contract, but we soon find out a clause in the contract had already gone into affect.
The ending was a switch and a surprise for me, though to be honest, the fact that the setup was premeditated on Trent’s part takes away some of the effectiveness of the building dialogue that precedes it.
I thought you did a good job of catching the essence of both characters, and completing the assigned scene arc. I also enjoyed a lot of your dialogue. Thanks for sharing your work with us!
–James Landers
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Shelley’s scene ready for feedback-
INT. 100-YEAR-OLD HISTORIC ALEHOUSE – DUSK
Happy Hour at the Alehouse, already a bit lit, ROBERT (36), with bravado, is schmoozing with local friends at the rustic old bar. Robert is a big guy with the faded grace of a natural athlete who let himself go. He commands the room with the practiced entitlement of the star left tackle of their high school champion football team, even if they’ve all heard his stories before. A large gray wolf hybrid is sitting loyally at his side. Historic photos line the walls.
ROBERT (over the Country music blasting)
Yeah, we dominated the State Chanpionshps senior year, nothing could touch us, especially with that the winning goal. You remember that grand canyon, I opened up for Trent to tiptoe the ball across the line.
Robert turns to flirt with the women sitting on the bar stool next to him.
ROBERT (cont.)
The woman, looking spooked, is not interested and turns away, ignoring him.
ROBERT (cont.)
Hey, what’s up? (Back to the room) By the way, did you hear that Pete’s old man is getting it on with his caregiver? I walked in one day after fixin’ his tractor for him, and she was pulling up his pants. Well, everyone knows how that family is about their sexual escapades.
Robert, yells across the room to the bartender, Pete, catches his attention.
ROBERT
Hey Pete, ya double dippin’ there with your dad. (Pete laughs uncomfortably).KITTY (pushing through the crowd, carrys a tray of drinks over her head)
Cut the shit, Robert. You’re always spreading slime…watch out, karma’s a bitch!
ROBERT (running his hand up her side as she passes through)
Kitty, babe, you sure are looking soooo good these days.
KITTY
Robert- if you make me spill these drinks, you’re going to be buyin’ them! Let me through.
ROBERT
Don’t you think the others would love to hear about last night?
Glaring at Robert, Kitty storms out to the kitchen as the double swinging doors slam shut.
ROBERT
But come on, we’re all here to celebrate our big-city boy’s triumphant return. Who’s betting that “Timely Trent” is going to be late, cuz I’m sayin’ he’s comin’ in on the dot. Ahh..No takers? Cowards. We all know you can set your timers on the guy.(crowd laughter)
Robert pulls out his phone and the timer is already set and counting down
ROBERT (CONT.) Bellowing like a bull trying to whip up excitement
5, 4, 3, 2, 1 BONG!! (the phone alarm blasts)On point the front door opens as TRENT (38) arrives scanning the room. Smoothing his hair, he steps carefully over the huge old rusted saw blade embedded in the foyer floor, walking past the wall of townie photos from years ago. He hesitates when he hears the uproarious laughter. Clearly uncomfortable, Trent’s dressed in a brand-new ensemble of a silk black cowboy shirt with white piping, stiff Levi’s, crocodile skin cowboy boots and a tall Stetson. Trent is starkly out of place in the sea of faded flannel plaid.
ROBERT (CONT)
SURPRISE! Trent, my man, you’re so predictably punctual for your welcome home party.
Hey dude, Is this your idea of “country”? I was expecting Italian leather shoes and a custom-made New York City slicker suit.Robert gives Trent a hardy, manly, half hug. Trent stiffens, brushing off his clothes afterward.
TRENT
Hey, good to see you too. Well, Angel’s right again … I do now see that I’m a tad over dressed. I tried, but I guess I missed the mark. I had these custom-made on Madison Ave. What do you think? (Trent winks slyly)
ROBERT
Well, I think you look ridiculous! No worries. It’s about time the prodigal son returns. This time, you’re in it for the real gold. Everyone knows you already got the corner office the one I’ve had my eye on.TRENT (angrily leaning in, stage whispering into Robert’s ear)
Robert. Why did you tell all of these people to come? I thought we were coming in for a few quiet drinks to catch up. Just you and me. Feels like I’m being scrutinized.
TRENT (CONT.)
(waving to get the bartender’s attention) Hey Pete, order me up a Guinness and for my friend, a pale Ale…and don’t forget to put it on HIS tab.
BARTENDER PETE
Good to see you boys back together. How long has it been?
ROBERT (to Pete) Years.
(whispering to Trent) You think I’m conspiring against you? That’s rich, after all you’ve done.(waving to Pete) He’s back alright.
BARTENDER PETE
You boys have always been at each other, stiff competitors since prep school, eh?
TRENT
Good to see you, too. Hey, how about a round for all the natives. Time to share my good fortune with my friends! It sure is something to see you, cuz. It’s been too long.
ROBERT
And whose fault is that? You always knew where to find me… but hey, where’s that woman of yours hiding out? How’s Angel?
Trent, changing the subject, turns his back on Robert boasting to the others of being the star quarterback winning the championship game.
TRENT
Remember that final touchdown I racked up? Shattered the high school record! A performance that still reigns supreme in this town’s rushing history!
ROBERT
(Steps in front of Trent)
There he goes again, always acting as though it was a solo act. We made that play possible for you. Me and the rest of the offensive line.
TRENT
Well, it was my face that showed up in the evening news. ANd never mind still endures as a legacy that many can’t comprehend as being athletically possible!
ROBERT
Stop! Enough!
TRENT
Pete – another round for the house, and how about some of that nasty gruel you make up in that kitchen of yours. Is that greasy grill still smoking from that last fire?
BARTENDER PETE
Easy does it, Trent…we all know, thanks to you, we have a sparkling new stove.
ROBERT
Shouldn’t we all say thanks to your old man, Pete? He was the one who was left with the bag when Mr Big skipped town.
TRENT (CONT)
(to Robert) You still can’t stand that I got it all, can you?
ROBERT
Bullshit. I can see you haven’t changed a bit. (changing the subject, speaking loudly to the room) So, rumor has it that our man is actually broke. Heard you went through bankruptcy back in the city. (Robert has the crowd’s interest)
TRENT
Says who? Guess you’re still the town gossip. No one believes a thing you say anymore. You and that so-called wolf dog of yours. He’s a service dog – yeah right – No one here has ever seen any papers, nor his vest.
ROBERT
(Slamming his drink down) Hey, bro, let’s ease up, we still have to show up at work tomorrow. Let’s go sit at our old booth, you know the one with the initials R & A scratched in the wood, remember?
TRENT
Yeah, I remember. I carved them, and you’re the one who got shit for it.Trent and Pete exchange a nod between them. Robert, oblivious to their glances, intimately puts his hand on Trent’s back and leads him to the back booth. Trent sits down, wiping the table follows with rearranging his silverware. The wolf dog settles down with a quiet galumph at Robert’s feet.
TRENT (CONT)
(Twisting his head around the booth) Hey Pete, two more of the same and add in a shot for my friend and don’t forget to give us some of those hot and spicy wings to cool things down!TRENT ((CONT) (quietly)
Hey man, don’t touch me like that again. Now, fill me in-how are your folks doing? Are they still fuming over the estate turnover?
ROBERT
You were in on it and I surmise got a healthy cut of the take-didn’t you? Bet thats how you could afford to move to New York City.
TRENT
I went over and over the papers looking for a way out for them. I couldn’t stop the foreclosure.
ROBERT
Angel even knew – she told me – though she was between a rock and a hard place, being pregnant and all. There was nothing she could do other than to get hitched to your shit show.
Bartender Pete delivers the food and next round of drinks.
TRENT
Nobody used condoms back there, not even you, buddy. Hold on-where are you getting this from? Wait, I can see by your face you’ve seen Angel. When could you have seen her?
ROBERT
Angel? Oh.. Angel. You mean my ex-fiancé, or do you mean your knocked up bride? She just showed up at the bottling plant last night before I closed down. She hinted at your financial troubles.
TRENT
Can’t seem to stay out of anyone’s business, ever. Never going to get over her, are you? Gotta stick your nose in.
ROBERT
She came onto me, man. I’ve long since yielded to the victorious king.
(a long beat, blinking strangely trying to focus) Decent man that I am and all.TRENT
Stop lying, I know you invited her there. When are you going to get it? I WON THE BEAUTIFUL GIRL. I GOT OUT OF THIS TOWN. Remember the chant “ The bigger they are, the harder they fall.”ROBERT
Enough Man. Time to let bygones to be bygones.Robert drunkenly grabs Trent’s hand to shake it, and Trent again pulls back.
ROBERT (CONT) ( speaking into his drink)
What! You didn’t have any trouble keeping your hands off Angel and me, back when we were all swinging together!
TRENT
You dirty, drunk bastard.
Trent tries to kick Robert under the table, but instead clips the dog. The wolf dog growls deep in his throat. Trent lunges forward and grazes Robert’s face with the flat of his hand.
Losing his balance, Robert clumsy stands, pulls open his knife. All faces from the bar are frozen in a moment of fear. Laughing, Robert folds the knife and puts it away in the sheath on his hip and turns in his seat.
ROBERT
THAT’S IT MAN, I’VE BEEN DRUGGED!
Now trying to stand, Robert throws his shot glass, narrowly missing Robert as it splinters against the wall, right next to the R&A carved heart. Trent and Robert, now scuffling, knock into Pete with a tray of drinks in his hand. Stumbling to save the drinks, Pete backs into a shelf lined with knick-knacks and knocks off a green bottle. When it shatters on the grimy floor, the tense woman at the bar bolts upright, slamming cash down on the bar, and runs out the front door.
BARTENDER PETE
Hey boys, out the back door, ENOUGH. I said take it outside!
ROBERT (mumbling)
Put it all on HIS tab-
Robert is stumbling as the two men are still grappling, pushing each other, as the fight escalates. Through the misty rain, Robert barely sees the woman from the bar getting in her car and driving off.
ROBERT
(Tries to right hook Trent in the face, missing)
One for the road and for taking Angel.
TRENT
(Trent punches Robert in the stomach and continues to kick his butt, knocking him to the ground again)
You were a nothing, and still a nothing. If it weren’t that you were close to the Family – I’d flatten you…
They hear a horrendous crash and stop abruptly) (Robert bleeding, wipes his nose)
ROBERT (sitting upright, like a toy soldier at attention)
Shit, what was that?TRENT
This is worse than when the lightning bolt hit the Alehouse years ago.
Leaving Robert on the ground in the dark parking lot. Trent, just a shadowy body in the dim light, heads back toward the tavern. Calling back to Robert.
TRENT (cont.)
That’s enough for now, loser. I’m going to call 911. Better see you at work tomorrow, that’s if you want to keep that job.
ROBERT (weak, barely able to lift hihs head, signals his dog to go after Trent)
Right. Will do. INTRUDER!TRENT (whipping back around towards Trent)
Huh?At the attack command, in a streak of flashing gray smoke and amber eyes, Trent’s taken down at the throat by the wolf standing alert on the outside deck.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by Shelley darling.
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Shelley, thank you for critiquing my scene.
I really like what you wrote. There is a complex and rich texture that shows up throughout, beginning with the setting. Especially the setting. Your writing is clear and evocative. I had no trouble seeing the scene. And the layers of texture made it highly engaging.
I love your characterization of Robert, still living off some high school highlights nearly 20 years later. And still talking – bragging – about it all these years later. Like, what have you done since, dude? Trent is not immune to that either it seems, although he does seem to have done a little more since then.
I could so see Kitty. Vivid depiction of her. In fact the entire scene pulls me into the action. The flow of dialogue seems effortless and real. I really like what you did. Good job!
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Hi Shelley,
I thought you did a great job of capturing the essence of Robert and Trent, both in terms of their character arcs and much of their dialogue. You also threw in a great twist at the end with the bi/gay suggestion, not to mention the attack wolf ending. Some of your dialogue sounds more like prose narrative than dialogue and would have to be tightened up for you to win an Oscar, but I thought you got the hard part right–the essence of each character. Well done, and thanks for sharing your work with us. –James Landers
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This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by
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Andrew, thank you for your critique of my scene.
I like the concept. Very cool making the characters 10 year olds. They already demonstrate the traits they will have (I assumed) as adults. So we can see from your writing that they had either been born with the traits or came to them early. Either way I thought your approach was unique and interesting. I had conceived of them only as adults.
It seems that you demonstrated most of the traits and certainly Robert’s subtext. I can’t find Trent’s subtext though. I do see two instances that might be his subtext — 1.) when Trent tells Robert that he has more of a present for him, and 2.) when Trent tells Tim that this is an expensive phone, but just not sure if that really bespeaks the subtext. (I had trouble with that one myself.)
I was a little confused about Tim’s location at one point. He and Robert exchange comments which would indicate that Tim is in the living room, but then he’s in the bedroom holding the camera. So I didn’t know how to interpret that.
All in all though a fresh and interesting take. High entertainment value. Good job!
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Screenwriting U. – Lesson 5 – scene/draft #1
INT. ARMY BASE – NCO CLUB – NIGHT
The club hums with the mostly male voices of soldiers who have gathered to watch the Super Bowl. Some wear fatigues, some are in dress uniforms, and many wear civilian attire. Their eyes are on television sets located around the room. TRENT (23, buck sergeant, athletic, military bearing) enters. He’s wearing an expensive suit, perfectly tailored, and a conspicuous Rolex watch. He works his way through the crowd, his eyes searching for…
ROBERT (23, Spec 5, heavy set, cocky) sits at a table near the far wall. He wears expensive casual clothes and expensive-looking jewelry. A significant pile of money is stacked in front of him. Trent makes his way to the table, nodding at the occasional person who says hello to him on the way.
ROBERT
Well, hey-hey, Jose. How are they hanging today?
TRENT
They’re hanging. You?
ROBERT
Never better, my man. What can I get you?
TRENT
(nods at the money)
The hundred bucks you owe me would be nice.
ROBERT
Sure. Let’s have a beer first.
Robert motions a waitress over.
ROBERT
A Bud for my best bud, if you please.
(to Trent)
Look at the ass on her! There oughta’ be a law.
TRENT
You said you were good for it on payday.
ROBERT
Remind me. What’s this?
TRENT
The eighth race at Charles Town? A month ago? You had a can’t-miss trifecta but you were broke?
ROBERT
I remember the race. What a cluster fuck that was. I don’t remember borrowing money from you.
TRENT
You did though. You were going to pay me back on payday.
ROBERT
I must have forgot.
TRENT
I looked for you at your barracks.
ROBERT
Yeah, I don’t hang around the Boy’s Club much.
TRENT
I thought we were friends. At the track you said you were going to introduce me to your contacts.
ROBERT
For sure. For sure. I’ve just been busy. You know, business.
TRENT
Let’s settle now.
ROBERT
Hold on a bit, my man. You know I’m good for it.
The waitress brings Trent’s beer.
ROBERT
(to the waitress)
Tell him, babe. I’ve got lots on my mind.
(to Trent)
Always got deals cooking, good sir. Got my eye on a Cadillac and a riverfront townhouse when I get out of here. You should invest with me.
TRENT
Can I trust you?
ROBERT
Hell yes. Man, I’m a money machine. Everyone who sticks with me makes out.
TRENT
What kind of investments?
ROBERT
The gold mine kind. I can’t say more than that because if anyone knew, they’d beat me to it. But you’re a pal, and for that, I’ll cut you in.
TRENT
How much?
ROBERT
How much you got?
TRENT
The hundred.
ROBERT
Okay. Good. What else?
TRENT
Maybe another hundred.
ROBERT
Got it on you?
TRENT
Yes.
ROBERT
More would be better.
TRENT
I know one of the guys in your barracks. Addison? He said you told him I buy my suits at a resale shop.
ROBERT
I don’t think I ever said that.
TRENT
And my Rolex is a knock off.
ROBERT
He’s an asshole. You can’t believe him.
TRENT
I had him set up to buy one of my suits, but he cancelled because of you.
ROBERT
Had nothing to do with me, Dude. He just didn’t want to make the investment. I’m telling you, all these people are stupid, small-minded assholes. All of them. Don’t believe anything they say.
TRENT
But I’m out the money and I need the hundred.
ROBERT
You’ll miss the chance of a lifetime. Let it ride. Throw in another hundred. In a month I’ll have you farting through silk.
TRENT
For real this time?
ROBERT
Would I lie to my best bud?
TRENT
Okay, but I don’t want to flash that kind of money in here. How about we go out back?
ROBERT
You got it, my man. This is the smartest thing you’ve done in your life. You’re going to want to kiss me on the lips when this haul comes in, but I’m not that kind of guy, so keep your distance.
They walk through the bar to the exit, Trent leading the way, Robert slapping hands with people he knows as he follows.
EXT. BEHIND THE NCO CLUB – NIGHT
In a quiet shadow of the building, Trent glances around. They’re alone. Trent fishes one hand into his pocket.
TRENT
Just for you, Best Bud.
Trent’s hand comes out of his pocket in a fist, and he sucker-punches Robert with a wicked uppercut. Robert stumbles back against the wall. Trent slugs him several more times as he speaks.
TRENT
Best bud, huh.
(slugs Robert)
You told Addison what a sucker I was.
(slugs him again)
That I’m a stupid sap.
(slugs him again)
Robert slumps against the wall, bloody and battered. Trent pulls Robert’s roll of cash from his pocket. He takes a hundred dollars from it and throws the rest on Robert’s lap. Trent holds his hundred dollars in front of Robert.
TRENT
Hey hotshot, this bud’s on you.
Trent leaves.
-
Bill’s Scene is ready for feedback.
Annual Awards Banquet. Round tables set up. Robert comes in and finds an empty table and sits. Soon Trent comes into the hall, sees Robert, and sits at the same table.
INT. DINING HALL – EVENING
Robert
Hello Trent, good to see you again.
Trent sits down but across the table from Robert
Trent
I usually don’t attend these events. But this year is different.
If I get the Outstanding Achievement Award it will mean
I’ll get into MIT graduate school.
Robert sits up in his chair upon hearing this.
Robert
(nervously) That would be great for you.
TRENT
The solar cell coating I invented ought to
win the Outstanding Achievement award.
Robert is silent.
TRENT
What do you plan to do after graduation?
ROBERT
(hesitantly) Oh, Graduate school somewhere. But not MIT,
I could never afford that.
TRENT
That is where my father got his PhD.
ROBERT
Also, I do not have the mathematical skills that you have.
TRENT
Well, it takes more than that to get ahead these days.
It is who you know more than what you know.
ROBERT
Oh, but you do have a great background, you get A’s
In all your classes.
TRENT
Yeh, but so will all the other applicants to MIT.
That’s why one must overcome weak spots,
grease the skids, so to speak.
ROBERT
(more confidently) You know, Trent, working on our senior project
was a good learning experience for me.
TRENT
That was a lot of fun. And we did really well. We
showed that my solar cell coating does increase
Photovoltaic Efficiency.
ROBERT
Absolutely! And it is quite a timely achievement
with all the emphasis on solar energy these days.
TRENT
But you know, that aside, in my essay that we had to
submit for this award, I did not say anything about
that. I submitted the accomplishments of my pedigree.
ROBERT
You mean your father?
TRENT
Yes, and his father also. My grandfather was issued
a patent for a high pressure shut-off valve used in
hydraulic brake systems.
I wanted to show them that creativity is in my genes.
ROBERT
Well, good luck. I know you will do well in your career.
Dinner plates were served. The Dean, at the Speakers table, stands up to announce the awards.
THE DEAN
And now we come to the final recognition. The
Outstanding Achievement Award. Each year, the
College of Engineering honors the individual whose
accomplishments far exceed the normal and will
have the most benefit to society. This year the
competition was so great that the judges required
written essays from each candidate to assist them
in finding the real winner.
He pauses while he opens the envelope.
THE DEAN
And the winner is: Robert Anderson, for his discovery
of an optical coating that has been shown to
increase the efficiency of solar cells.
TRENT
At the table Trent bursts out to Robert.
WHAT? That was my invention!
THE DEAN
Will Robert come forward to accept this Certificate
And Plaque?
Robert, quickly gets up and moves to the speaker’s table amid loud applause.
THE DEAN
Robert, this is a well-deserved recognition. Even
A small increase in solar cell efficiency will result in
Megawatts more energy worldwide. Your essay on
how you designed and developed that coating was
truly inspiring.
Congratulations.
Robert moves back to the table where Trent is sitting.
People are standing and applauding.
TRENT
I also want to congratulate you but in my
own way. Let’s go back to the Lab where it is quiet.
The DEAN dismisses the meeting and Trent and Robert go to the Lab.
INT. Engineering Lab – EVENING
TRENT
(Enraged) You liar! You knew this was my
Invention. All you did was work on the project
to demonstrate the proof of concept.
Trent grabs Robert by his shirt and slams him to the wall.
TRENT
What did you say about me in your essay?
That I was a causal contributor? You poor lying fool!
Trent slams Robert a second time to the wall. Trent’s rage continues to grow.
TRENT
Or did you mention me at all!
You are worse than a low-life. You will never amount
To anything.
Trent beats up on Robert.
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