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Lesson 7
Reply to post your assignment.
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17 Replies
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Subject: Monica Solves Major Problems!
What I learned doing this assignment is to look at the four core elements in the script and elevate them.
A. Need Stronger
Transformational Journey: I know this is the number one problem of the
script. It was pointed out to be my by a couple of producers when they
read the script.Arc: Protagonist chases after
the men who have taken her sister and her friends to arresting her sister
for trafficking in humans (that’s what they call it in Canada).<div>B. Need Stronger Conflict: The external conflict is now elevated
because the protagonist has been identified, so her cover is broken. The
internal conflict nearly destroys the protagonist when she discovers her
sister is part of the ring and forces her to change.C. Need Stronger Opening: Car chase after the antagonist.
D. Need Stronger Ending: Instead of rescuing her sister, the
protagonist now has to arrest her sister in the human trafficking ring.Give us a list of the changes you made to your script. But don’t post the outline, yet.
The protagonist’s sister is now the supporting character to the antagonist. Instead of the sister just being a victim of human trafficking, she now is a player in the ring.
Opening image is now a car chase by the protagonist after the antagonist takes her sister and her friends.
Ending image is now the protagonist arresting her sister.
There’s a scene when the antagonist kidnaps the protagonist and is going to “make her pay”. This is now going to incorporate the antagonist informing the protagonist he knows who she really is and introducing the sister as his associate. Her cover is blown and the shock of finding her sister as part of the ring throws the movie into another direction. This will be the new Mid-point.
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Judith Solves Major Problems
Lesson 7 – Solve Big Picture Problems – June 15, 2023
What I learned is thinking about the different elements of opening, conflict, journey, help me see some holes in my script.
THINGS I CHANGED OR ADDED:
Changed the OPENING and didn’t reveal the antagonist’s identity. Set up a mislead by…
Adding a red herring.
Have stronger CONFLICT between the A and P and the protagonist flaw is revealed.
CONFLICT between the red herring and protagonist added.
Made my protagonist not so nice. Included a place to reveal her flaw.
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Pat Galbraith solves major problems.
“What I learned from doing this assignment is more ways to bring essential conventions in major ways.
1. Pull out your outline.
2. Read the explanation of each of these needs above and see if any can be applied to your outline to make it stronger.
A. Need Stronger Transformational
JourneyB. Need Stronger Conflict
C. Need Stronger Opening
D. Need Stronger Ending
Give us a list of the changes you made to your script. But don’t post the outline, yet.
A. Added emotional scenes and building confidence scenes.
B. Added more vocal conflict and action conflict (Hit and run)
C. Added a villain scene for the beginning. (He threatens one of his allies to make him go along with his plan)
D. Added more action for protagonist in the ending.
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Jacqueline Solves major problems.
What I learned from doing this assignment is that conflict is king and I need to stop being so nice to my characters.
Changes made:
Opening scene changed – the job Jenny’s applying for is now voluntary and she can’t even get that.
2nd scene changed – she has a new confidante in the same position but 10yrs older, representing her future and adding more interest
Stronger transformational journey – Jen has never travelled before but always wanted to.
Stronger ending – she has to fight Dustin to get the manuscripts
Stronger conflict – Chrissy sees through her mum’s bullshit and this issue needs to be resolved.
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FRan’s Fine Tuning my Outline
What I learned: Just keep going, keep writing, make it strong, make it bold. And yes! Make your protagonist suffer! Boy! Is my protagonist suffering in her journey.
What I did was fine tuned my narrative throughout my outline. And I saw that I had to add a few things to the structure, I had left out part of my story in the first draft. So, I think it’s een better yet. And I will continue to work on it all the way through. but I do have the story down enough now that I can follow it well enough and keep to the narrative I’ve plotted out for it–following the sweat and tears of a lot of historical research and keeping to the stories that were told of the founding of Rome I found and thought would make an excellent new narrative and story for screen for the new generation. (The old movies needed a huge upgrade!)
Ilia’s Journey. PART ONE
Beginning: She is the daughter of King Numitor, happy and content just to be a princess in the kingdom of Alba Longa. She loves her father, her brothers, her life.
Inciting Incident: But war looms in the kingdom. Uncle Amulius is in the process of usurping King Numitor’s throne. He kills Ilia’s brothers and then castrates Numitor before sending him into exile. He then sentences Ilia to a life as a Vestal Virgin. If she breaks her vows to remain untouched, she will die.
Refusal of the Call/Turning Point 1: Ilia, stubborn, determined, will not remain. She plans her escape, but it fails. She is beaten severely and brought back to the Vestal convent where her cousin, Antho, and her father’s old manservant care for her wounds and nurses her back to health.
Quest into the New World: But Ilia continues to refuse to stay. She tries to escape yet again when she is recovered and can find a way to do it. This time with the help of the gods, she escapes. She finds her way to Mars’ temple near the Aventine Hill where she has learned her father resides. She tries to flee there, but has to stop to rest for a while. There, she encounters the war god Mars. They fall madly in love with the help of Jupiter, Fortuna and Cupid, make love and conceives her first born twin, Romulus, through Mars.
Midpoint: Amulius discovers he’s been betrayed by Tezza and rapes her, also learning Ilia has escaped. He goes to bring her back and to punish her for fleeing the Vestal convent. And to ensure she doesn’t do it again, he rapes her, too, only to conceive a second son, Remus, Amulius’ son. Antho and the old manservant have followed Amulius, sadly learning what he has done. They take Ilia back to the convent to nurse her back to health. It’s a long recovery, but nine months later and well again, and she gives birth to her twin sons, the first belonging to Mars.
Turning Point 2: Days later, recovered and well again. Ilia plans yet another escape. This time with Antho and the old manservant’s help. Antho is also going to leave the convent for good, she says. She will not stay there any longer. She hates her father for what he’s done. She knows what he has done. She even believes the boys are her little brothers. They plan their escape.
They make it to the Malatiosa Forest and the crossroads between the Palatine and Aventine Hills and the Land of the Sabines. There they part ways. Antho, to the Palatine, where she believes her father won’t look for her, and Ilia to the Aventine to search out her father. Antho has success in escaping her fate, But Ilia does not. She is caught yet again and taken back in chains to be sentenced,
Dilemma: Amulius is finished with her and ow he must get rid of the sons he believes he fathered with her. He sentences her to drowning in the Tiber River. She is to be thrown off a high cliff. Her sons are to be taken to the river as well and drowned. For his part in helping Ilia escape, the old manservant is sentenced to drown the twins. But as he watches Ilia being tossed into the river off the cliff, her hands bound, he cannot drown the boys. Instead, he wraps them in Ilia’s cloak, places them in a cradle and gently sends them down river where Mars’ wolves will find them, and care for them for a short time.
Conflict: Ilia struggles to live. With the help of the gods, Tiberinus the river god, unbinds her ropes so she can swim freely, but she has little strength and she is failing to save herself. She cries out for help. An older man with his nephew, Gracchus and Titus, hear Ilia’s cries and go to her rescue. Gracchus recognizes her and tells Titus they must hide her from her evil uncle. They give her a new name RHEA SILVIA and spirit her away back to Cures, their city in the Land of the Sabines.
Months pass. Faustulus, the shepherd, with his young son Lucius, are in the fields tending to their flocks near the Tiber River when they hear the cries of babies. They go to investigate to find Ilia’s sons alive and well and healthy in a nearby cave. Faustulus knows they must be the royal twins and tells his son Amulius must never know they are still alive. They swear each other to secrecy and make up a story to tell the villagers. They are foundlings, left by parents long dead. They take them home, to their village, to raise the boys themselves.
END OF PART ONE
PART TWO
Eighteen years later …
Beginning: The boys are now grown, handsome young men. The twins, Romulus and Remus are shepherds in the house of Faustulus and Larentia. They are happy, healthy, contented to be shepherds. They are bold, fearless, regal, but with a temper, Remus is a bit hotheaded, Romulus a little more level-headed. They fancy themselves the leaders of their tribe. They believe only what they’ve been told about their birth. That they were foundlings and their parents are dead. They do not know who their mother or father are (though Faustulus does. He has a pretty solid idea). Romulus is the hunter, provider. Remus has a mischievous heart and can get himself into much trouble with his friend, Celeres. Celeres is the number one instigator, however. He makes no excuses for himself and he does whatever he wishes, when he wishes.
Celeres is rich, spoiled, cunning like his father, Amulius. But he is a coward. He will turn his back on his friends on a dime. He is selfish and makes demands even of his father. His father does give in to him, even though Amulius knows he is not the son and heir he thought he whould have in him when he was born.
Ilia, now known in the Land of the Sabines as Rhea Silvia, is Gracchus’ wife. She is the matriarch of the Sabines and stepmother to the heir apparent to his late father’s throne, Titus, now also a grown and a handsome young man. She has become the mother of a young, beautiful, of marrying age, daughter, SABINA. betrothed to Titus. Sabina will be queen of the Sabines one day. Ilia also has a newborn son, NUMA, who will in the future become the second king of Rome after its founding. (But Ilia does not really know that yet. Only the gods. She will be told.)
Inciting Incident: There is war in the valley between the Palatine and Aventine Hills, the shepherds and cattlemen of the brothers fight. Numitor’s men have stealing cattle from Amulius’ men and also sheep in retaliation for Amulius’ men’s many raids on their livestock–with Celeres and Remus’ help. Now Amulius’ men fight to get their stolen cattle back. Celeres is the instigator yet again, egging on the men to fight Numitor’s shepherds and cattlemen. Leading the fight with him again is Remus. Remus is all too eager to help, thinking he is fighting for justice and fairness for his village.
Refusal of the Call: In the skirmish, Remus is captured and Celeres, the coward he is, escapes to live another day. Remus is taken to Numitor by the men of Numitor’s herdsmen and shepherds to be judged. But Numitor says he cannot judge. He cannot judge this boy or Celeres as the herdsmen wish because Amulius must be the one to judge. He is the king. The herdsmen tell Numitor Amulius is not their king. Numitor is–their rightful king. He always has been. And one day with the help of the gods he will be again. But Numitor is doubtful.
As a new treaty is being negotiated between Amulius and Gracchus, there is tension, distrust. Gracchus senses Amulius is not playing fair in the negotiations. (Amulius is the one who killed Titus’s father, Gracchus brother in an earlier war.) He is right. Amulius is plotting yet another war with the Sabines. He finds he wants their fertile lands–to expand his empire—and his own pockets. And Celeres, who’s in love with Gracchus’s daughter, Sabina, adds his two cents into the negotiations. He tells his father, Gracchus he wants Sabina for his wife. But Gacchus must politely refuse, noting she is already betrothed to his nephew,Titus. But Gracchus knows now, as they return home to Cures, what Amulius really wants from the Sabines with these new treaty negotiations. It’s not land or goods for trade–but Sabina!
Quest into the New World: Celeres, when Gracchus is gone, demands of his father, he wants Sabine for himself and he intends to get her one day or the other. Amulius is okay with that because he wants the Sabine land. He tells his son to be patient. He will kill two birds with one stone–in time. The right time. Amulius already has a plan for war in the works. They will both get what they want–in due time. Just be patient.
In the meantime, Faustulus has been badly hurt in the fracas and fears he may be dying. He calls for Romulus and Remus to tell them the truth of their life, their existence now before it’s too late. But Remus has been taken hostage, unbeknownst to the villagers for the moment. Romulus is quickly found and taken to his foster father. Alone, he must hear the true story of who their mother is and what happened to her. He is then sworn to tell Remus the story if Faustulus does indeed die. Romulus swears it. He hates Amulius. Always has, and he swears vengeance upon the pretender king for his mother and for his grandfather—the rightful king.
Gracchus has returned home to inform Ilia what her uncle intends for their daughter. She is horror stricken. She CANNOT deal with her uncle ever again under ANY circumstances. But it looks like she has to—to save their daughter. And, if there’s any chance to restore her father to the throne of Alba Longa, she wants to take it.
Turning Point 1: Romulus must now go to find Remus, tell him the story of their true birth and heritage. He has heard he’s been taken hostage again and is with Numitor, the old king, their grandfather.
While Ilia and Gracchus get set for their war with Amulius, Numitor deals with Remus. He has a deja vu experience as he looks upon the boy’s face and discovers he is the spitting image of his daughter, Ilia. The resemblance is uncanny. He also suddenly has the feeling this boy just might, indeed, be one of the grandson’s he thought he had lost in the Tiber River long ago. He asks the boy questions. All Remus knows is that he was orphaned. He is a foundling and that he and his brother were raised by Amulius’ shepherds, Faustulus and Larentia. Numitor feels more pangs in his heart–a brother? Remus says, yes, his twin brother, Romulus.
Numitor’s suspicions are confirmed. But the men want a judgment. Numitor says he must be taken to Amulius. But he fears, Amulius will see it, too, if Remus is taken to him. The resemblance. Should he take that chance?
Antho enters and sees Remus as he passes her, the resemblance. Antho hurries to Numitor and asks him, did he see it. Numitor says yes. He is certain of it. He is my grandson, Ilia’s son.
Midpoint: Remus is taken to Amulius, who does see the resemblance as he examines him up close. It makes him think, is this my son with Ilia? He questions the boy as well and finds that he likes him very much. A brave lad, strong, like the son he wanted in Celeres—and finds he now has with Remus. He has always thought well of him–as his son’s companion he knew very little of otherwise. He wishes to get closer to Remus. Befriend him to the anger of Numitor’s men—and Celeres’. Amulius releases him, pardons him. Tells him to join him at his court. The men are enraged even further. As Remus is sent on his way, they vow to seek their own vengeance and plot to kidnap Remus once again when the time is right–the LUPERCALIA CELEBRATION—and punish him themselves.
As soon as all are gone, Amulius tells his son what a sniveling, weak, little coward he is. He’s not worthy to ascend the throne. Remus should have been his son. Celeres blows up in his father’s face, angry. Amulius orders his servants attending to take Celeres away and plant him in his mother’s grave to rot there with her.
But Celeres, cursing and vowing to get even one day, escapes before they can catch him and carry out Amulius’ orders.
Amulius invades Sabine country to massive destruction. He gives Gracchus an ultimatum. Sabina is to be handed over to him or face desolation of his city, of his country. Gracchus will not bend! It is war. They fight. Gracchus is mortally wounded as Titus tries to spirit Sabina away to safety. Sabia sees her father wounded before her eyes by Amulius, stabbed with a knife, and runs to him before he dies. Amulius finally gets to see her and begins thinking to himself, such a prize, a beauty, should only be reserved for a king. A new plan. Amulius will take Sabina for himself to sire a new heir to his throne through her. Ilia’s worst nightmare has come true, She must deal with her uncle more as Gracchus dies in her arms. She swears vengeance on his dying breath and tells Sabina to run to her grandfather’s for safety as fast as she can. Amulius gives Ilia 24 hours to decide. Amulius also has a deja vu experience when he finally looks upon Ilia once more. He feels he knows this Sabine woman. Ilia has veiled her face from him to hide her looks. the years have hidden more from Amulius. Amulius takes his leave, as Ilia decides, she will not have it. She tells Titus and Emmrys, Gracchus’ trusted right hand, they going to war—to save Sabina. She is going to kill him herself before he does anything to hurt her. She will not let that man touch her as he touched her–upon her own death if need be.
Sabina runs to the Aventine Hill to be with Numitor, to meet up with Remus as he finds his way home to the Palatine Hill. They are immediately smitten with each other—with the help of the gods–as Celeres in his flight sees their meeting, their embrace, and becomes jealous and vengeful of the two.
Turning Point 2 The Lupercalia celebration. Romulus and Remus are together tending to the flocks as the men celebrate the festival. They talk of more war in the valley. And it is a good time, Romulus says, for him to tell Remus the story he was told, and does. Remus reels from the story. They hear the bleating of one of the king’s prize lambs. Remus says he will go and go take care of it. Numitor’s men have tied the animal up as a lure, setting a trap. As Remus goes to rescue the lamb’s rescue, they pounce on him, tie the boy up in heavy ropes and chains and haul him away.
Dilemma: Sabina returns home to tell her mother. She no longer wants to marry Titus. She has found another, a wonderful, shepherd boy she wishes to marry instead. He lives among Amulius’ men, frightening Ilia to the core. She tells Sabina she should not have returned. It’s not safe for her, for anyone. But it’s too late. War is coming. Her time has run out. Ilia has one of her handmaiden’s take Numa and leave with him to safety. As Amulius returns even more determined than ever to claim his booty, he demands Ilia’s answer. Ilia says no. He then tells her she really has little choice in the matter. An army is backing him up. There are only two choices left to her now. Hand over Sabina to him, or the remainder of her Sabine family will be killed. Along with her. Amulius gives Ilia the awful feeling Amulius knows who she is. They struggle, fight. Sabina is taken hostage. As he leaves, Amulius tells Ilia he knows who she is and she will never see her daughter again–ever.
Ilia swears vengeance–to Titus and Emmrys–if that’s the last thing she ever does. There is no turning back now. She can no longer run and hide from her evil uncle. They must go to war to rescue Sabina. They must go to war on Alba Longa.
Conflict: Celeres is back at the palace waiting for his father to return when Numitor’s men bring Remus in. They ask Celeres to judge now. He is more than happy to accommodate. In retaliation for his taking Sabina from him, he sentences Remus to death and tells the men to throw him in a cage below as they prepare him for his execution. Happily, they obey.
Climax: Romulus has been told Remus was taken to Numitor’s on the Aventine Hill. Faustulus recovered, tells Romulus to go there, reason with Numitor. Numitor is a good man–AND he will listen to his grandson. But he’s told Remus is not there when he arrives. Numitor finally gets to meet his other grandson, but he doesn’t look like Ilia or Amulius. No one he knows, in fact. He tells Romulus Remus was taken hostage again by the cattlemen. Numitor says they will take him to the palace again to be judged. Surely this time Amulius will kill him, if he knows who he is. Romulus says Remus knows the truth of his heritage. He looks so much like your mother, Numitor says. But you. Romulus tells him, we must take back Alba Longa, rescue Remus and restore Numitor to the throne—for the sake of their family.
Resolution: Romulus takes his rabble of cattlemen to set Remus free and take back Alba Longa as Ilia and her Sabine army head for the city. NUMITOR GOES WITH ROMULUS.
Amulius enters the city with his hostage, taking her to the cellars of the palace to put her in the cage with Remus. They immediately cling to each other. Amulius sees it and retaliates, giving her an ultimatum. You were betrothed to Titus. Celeres wanted you. It’s apparent you want this one. But you have only this one choice instead. In order to spare your life and the life of our mother and your people, you shall be my next queen–or the remainder of her family WILL be killed–along with her. That is her choice. He gives her two hours to decide! Amulius then leaves as unrest comes to the inner walls of Alba Longa.
Celeres has heard all from where he hides. In anger he vows to kill his father for taking his bride. He goes to the cage to taunt the two lovebirds also catching them in a lovers’ embrace. He tells Remus he knows how his father favored Remus over him. But no more, when Amulius dies and he is king, Remus will die right along with him. He then he tells Sabina, you could have been queen. He vows to kill her, too, for their betrayal. Celeres calls Sabina a worthless whore and disappears vowing to return to carry out his promise.
MAJOR TWIST (ROADBLOCK): Romulus and his rabble breach the city. Numitor thinks he knows where Remus might be. Ilia, too, approaches the city with her army, Titus, and Emmrys. She, too, knows where Amulius might be—where he might be keeping Sabina. Believing the worst, she says they must find her before what happened to Tezza and her happens to Sabina. In her search, Amulius has come to Ilia, confronting her and her army. Where is my daughter, she asks? She will not back down. He will die, she vows, if she is not returned immediately, safe and WHOLE. Amulius feigns defeat and tells Ilia he will take her to cellars of the palace. Silently, he bids his men to follow. There, Ilia finds Sabina in the cage with Remus. Ilia feels/knows in her heart, somehow, she has also found one of her twin sons. It shakes her to the core. Numitor enters with Romulus to find his daughter already confronting Amulius. It appears Amulius is surrounded. But he has one last maneuver up his sleeve. In desperation, he tells Ilia he knows who the boys are. They are his. He will spare them if she hands over Sabina. But Ilia has some news for Amulius. She tells him what he does not know. She and Mars made love before he came to her and raped her. They are his, not Amulius’s. They are Mars’ sons. Romulus and Remus hear all. Numitor whispers to Romulus Sabina is your sister. Amulius, in his zeal to escape orders his army to strike Ilia’s and Romulus’. He rips Sabina from the cage, striking Ilia down. He forces Sabina out as his hostage so that he might escape. Romulus moves to free her. But Amulius has his knife in hand and cries out if I cannot have her no one can! Quickly, he plunges his dagger into Sabina’s chest killing her, stopping all commotion. Dead before her eyes, in shock, Ilia takes the knife from her daughter’s chest and quickly thrusts it deep into Amulius’ heart. Celeres sees it all from his hiding place. He watches his father fall/die. Seeing his chanceto escape, he vows one day to return and take his place on the throne. He then disappears. Romulus and Remus retake the city and place Numitor back on the throne again to the great joy and cheers of the people.
Denouement: Days, months pass, in is sadness, his sorrow, Numitor recognizes his grandsons and asks them to stay that they may one day take the throne and rule when he dies. But they do not. They want to build their own city. Ilia, in her sadness, sorrow, says she is returning to the land of the Sabines to raise Numa, their little brother. She tells them, it was foretold to her, that one day I would return and I have my sons sit on the throne of the greatest empire the world would ever know. They go their separate ways. The boys go to the Palentine and Aventine to search for omens to tell them what hill shall they are to build their new city upon and who will rule over it first. When they have their “signs” from the gods—but not without a lot of quarreling and bickering over who’s sign is THEE sign, they begin building their city of light on the Palatine Hill. But as they begin their construction, it is Remus who bickers. Romulus, he says, may be the older, but it is he who was sanctioned to rule over the new city by the gods. HIS signs were the true signs. More bickering and quarreling and fighting commence as Romulus ploughs the first burrow of the city’s wall. Celeres has come to fulfill his promise. As the twins fight and quarrel, he sees his chance and strikes down Remus dead only to run away again before he is caught. But, this time, Celeres doesn’t get very far when Romulus, in his strength and temper and power, with the help of the gods, catches up to Celeres and kills him in retaliation for killing Remus. Jupiter looks on in the heavens, satisfied his work is now complete. Romulus mourns bitterly for his brother as Ilia comes to mourn the loss of him, too, and her family when she is brought the news. What is left of it all now, but for Romulus to build Rome alone. Until Numa, who will follow his brother on the throne when he is grown. Comes of age. In the meantime, Ilia returns to the land of the Sabines to care for her young son. Who was prophesied to reign at the side of Romulus in his new found city Rome, the second king after Romulus, who would be the first. They were born in the shedding of blood and in the midst of a vestal fire’s glow. To, one day, build Rome. the eternal city of the gods.
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7 June Fortunato Solves Major Problems!
Katie and Ti
What I learned: Love the focus.
A Stronger transformational journey B Stronger conflict C Stronger opening D. Stronger ending
As I work through my proposed scene list, I strengthened the OPENING by crosscutting two parallel scenes to add tension and let the characters’ reactions heighten.
I have a found ways to heighten Katie’s TRANSFORMATIONAL JOURNEY and I’m working on developing the character for Ti- and found good things for her.
Using ChatGPT to help brainstorm, and then thinking about the how the relationship works with these two young woman, I finally have a way to work their back and forth friend/foe, need/reject, “friendship.” I especially like how underhanded, yet seemingly innocent Ti appears.
Ending
I knew the ending (actually the whole story) coming into this class, but I’m reinforcing aspects of it as a create the scene list.
While I’m not utilizing the brilliant aspects of what the class is to actually RE-write, and instead, using it as a way to formulate my story in an elevated way before I write, I have given in to the idea that this is what I’m doing, and in every way, the class is helpful. Plus, I’ll have the lessons when I finally write, and then want to rewrite Katie and Ti. Thanks for humoring me. I’m inspired.
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Charles Jessen solves (somewhat) major problems.
One line in particular jumped out at me when reading the class assignment about the transformational journey: “There is something about them that has to change, but they don’t know that, yet.”
<font face=”inherit”>RE: “The Road Back,” I am satisfied with my opening and my closing. I feel they are strong and right for the story. Though lacking was conforming to the structure as we have been directed. Some of that won’t change as it is not inherent in the story. However I was able to sharpen the transformation journey of the two primary characters, realizing more definitively what their core flaw/wound is and what needs to change. I discovered the mid-20s homeless recovering addict Josh has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and he has to learn to care about others and atone for his past. It was always buried in my script but now I bring it to the for front. The mid 60s, black, retired bereaved widower, Al, is cynical and bitter since his son was murdered 10 years before… He has to learn to accept what is past, be in the </font>moment, and<font face=”inherit”> forge a path int the future. I moved events around in the </font>outline, and<font face=”inherit”> deleted a couple that didn’t directly contribute to the journey, and was able to create a dramatic midpoint where Al has a major roadside meltdown and Josh is forced to attend to him, changing the dynamic between the two. The script is getting better. </font>
<font face=”inherit”>What I learned from this assignment is better definition of the character cores drives the journey and therefore the outline.</font>
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David Solves Major Problems!
What I learned from this assignment is the importance of brainstorming key events to strengthen the script.
Changes made:
1. Use a Title: NHL Conference finals to start the script
2. Bring up Charlie’s wound during a talk with Victor
3. Show massive manhunt when reward is leaked: FBI, Canadian mounties, etc.
4. Show website crashed, so many leads
5. Hotline for tips, show idiot caller
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CJ Solves Major Problems!
WIL: Looking at each of the major components makes it easier to see the full Big Picture and find easy ways to see opportunities!
ASSIGNMENT
1. Pull out your outline.
2. Read the explanation of each of these needs above and see if any can be applied to your outline to make it stronger.
A. Need Stronger Transformational Journey – I felt that this needed to be up front after looking what I wanted to accomplish.
B. Need Stronger Conflict – Yes as an Action Thriller I really needed to add more conflict in the form of action.
C. Need Stronger Opening – I feel it is a good start… by time I finish the rewrite I might have a different view.
D. Need Stronger Ending – I had not really solidified this but now that I have my transformational journey and conflict solidified, I feel my ending is much stronger!
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[Pro Rewrite] Lesson 7 – Assignment – Robert Daniel – Solve Major Problems
What I learned from doing this assignment is that this lesson provides an excellent tool for brainstorming the out line for improvements from the beginning to end of the script.
1. Made improvements on the protagonist transformational journey.
2. Added more conflict in numerous scenes of the outline.
3. Improved the first scene of the outline.
4. Brainstorming a stronger ending.
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Jen Solves Major Problems!
What I learned from doing this assignment is that I can elevate my script at the outline level and fix problems that existed previously. I was told act I was boring, but that act II really picked up and moved along. I was able to switch around some scenes, but making the opening stronger and starting my transformational journey from a more extreme point will make it more exciting.
A. Need Stronger Transformational Journey – by making Mariana start in the position of not knowing what is happening (having just undergone a memory wipe) and showing her as kind of a “chicken” (mother needs to comfort her a night) it does make a stronger journey. I had her as “unwitting” before, but not necessarily coming from a “position of fear.” Now that I have changed how hers and Jack’s relationship begins (he is waiting for her to get suspicious again) I am able to show her as true follower/believer of what she is being told in the compound. I will show her commitment to “Mother Savior” maybe by having her talk to children who are negative about her.
B. Need Stronger Conflict – I have introduced a guard who Mariana seems to like (and he seems to like her). He is symbolic of the conflict because he is a guard (who she thinks is guarding her from the sick people on the outside of the fence, but is actually keeping her inside the fence). There is also a guard who is mean to her, a townsperson who is mean to Mariana’s father and this guard always seems to come to the rescue. This seems to cause a conflict between him and Jack, but later it will be revealed that Jack is “watching” Mariana and this guard is the one he reports to.
C. Need Stronger Opening – I have decided to have Mariana get “deposited” by guards – or maybe just seems to “wake up” on her porch like she had been sleepwalking but then wakes up for real in her bed confused by why she is dressed (yet barefoot) and her feet are dirty – then she quickly gets in her pjs and washes her feet – her mother comes in to comfort her and she is really afraid of the noises coming from outside – very intriguing, because why was she outside if she is so afraid now? Why did she seem like she was in a trance and then awoke with a start? Why is she barefoot?
D. Need Stronger Ending – the ending is staying as is for now, Mariana is about to get killed by the commissioner when her half-dead mother comes to save her, then appears to die, then wakes up again and kills the warden (or should that switch actually?) the “bigger” threat should be the bigger fight – maybe they struggle for a while? I guess this would be better. If I give some audience superior knowledge and have her mother shoot the Warden – ugg…no, I like the Commish sitting with Mariana and just as she is about to shoot her – maybe the warden gets shot first though – IDK – maybe it won’t be the Warden, maybe it is someone “bigger” than the commissioner
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Connie Solves Major Problems!
What I learned doing this assignment…it is good to revisit these big picture aspects.
A. Needs Stronger Transformational Journey?
Daisy is well-drawn, I think. Transforming from a frustrated lonely, bossy bitch divorcee to a loving, happy, fulfilled bride with a soulmate that “gets her”!
Daisy could be drunk when she has a meltdown at the end of Act 3 and hallucinates seeing Buck’s face everywhere.
Buck could be more tormented by the trauma of losing his wife in an accident he blamed himself for because he secretly had more drinks before they left the party and he was driving. He may use sarcasm to cover his personal blame game.
Randall needs enhancement as the antagonist, more sinister, devious and unethical in his efforts to discredit the completion for Daisy’s heart-Buck.
Frank does rather an end-of-life transformational attitude adjustment, realizing he should have let his daughters live their own life rather than having him interfere and trying to run the show for them both. Is his new attitude shared? Not enough.
B. Needs Stronger Conflict
Does the conflict for Daisy escalate from the first turning point? It quickly impacts her but she doesn’t know about the deal between Buck and Frank.
Should Daisy toughen up and fight harder after her meltdown bender in the climax?
C. Needs Stronger Opening?
Yes, I did discover from an earlier assignment that the having a phone call where we only heard Daisy’s end of the call from her longtime competitive dance partner. He advises her that he has been transferred across the country and can no longer be her partner. It is the inciting incident.
Should we see Buck, Daisy’s love interest in the opening or at least earlier in the story than 8 scenes into the story?
The Opening needs to be more exciting and active, What else could Daisy do? She could have a violent reaction to the news from her dance partner! Truman, her dog could run and hide under a chair.
D. Needs stronger Ending?
Yes., I am happy with the ending and I feel that fans of Rom-Coms will like it too. I have a funny, yet romantic proposal. But we are missing the wedding before the awesome honeymoon.
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Lori Solves Major Problems!
What I learned is to continually look for ways to make the big picture stronger.
Opening – I originally had the antagonist shown as a mysterious man, but I’ve changed that to introduce him immediately and hint at a problem.
Closing – I need to work on making Thomas’ change more intense while striving to keep it believable. I also want the closing scene to be opposite the opening scene to give it a satisfying, feel-good ending.
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Susan Solves Major Problems
What I learned: Stop protecting my characters and let the devil come out to play in order to amp up the suspense.
A. Need stronger transformational journey: (Protagonist) Ryan goes from protector to destroyer; (Protagonist) Jax becomes the true antagonist, transforming from victim to villain, (Antagonist) John reveals that he is not grooming a killer, but trying stop/protect his son who is.
B. Need stronger conflict: Jax is picking up his childhood game, pitting his brother and father against one another, making himself a victim and manipulating them to destroy each other.
C. Need stronger opening: To protect his secret from Ryan, 14 y/o Jax tries to kill his father; to protect his brother, 17 y/o Ryan finishes the job.
D. Need Stronger Ending: At the loss of nearly every loved one in his life, at Jax’s hands, Ryan finally sees the truth about his younger brother and obliges his desire of “death by cop”. Returns home with his injured father, destroys their childhood home and its secret tunnel (time portal).
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Elisabeth solves Major Problems
What I learned from doing this assignment: I got an idea for the ending.
I found the Journey, the Conflict and the Opening pretty fitting.
I had a problem with the ending, but sitting under the window in my office and enjoying the sun soon brought the right idea.
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Stuart Solves Major Problems!
What I learned from doing this assignment is that my protagonist is primarily a catalyst character who is trying to change others. However, the conflict with other characters and pushing Wayne to question, deny, and tarnish the purity of the gift he was born. His journey is to reclaim that gift.
What I’ve changed:
Both big picture reframing and specific changes.
A. Need Stronger Transformational Journey
For Protagonist/Wayne:
• Arc: begins with a boy, with a giving heart, wanting to be a star singer. It ends with a man, with restored heart, singing to God and a global audience.
• Obstacles: increased obstacles, added new scene between Wayne and Donna. Revised his 2nd group’s relational obstacles and gave them a stronger climax.
• Structure: changed Wayne’s entrance into Act II so that finding song in the Air Force is unexpected. He’s out of his comfort zone because he’s in the Air Force, following orders. Entering Act III: I deleted major sequence and cut into Wayne’s insurance world – he’s assigned to manage a team of white racist agents. Entering Act IV, Wayne now has vision from God delivered when he’s praying for his own health. He needs to abandon himself to God. Wayne is most vulnerable in Act IV.
• Solution: Change. The first group, The Masters, is smooth, cut too short by Vietnam. The 2nd group, The Esonics, is rocky more obstacles that contribute to Wayne’s alcoholism; Act IV, most vulnerable, Wayne finds his rebirth.
For Antagonist/Donna:
• Arc: begins refusing love and skeptical of Wayne’s gifts; ends loving and devoted to Wayne’s gifts
• Obstacles: giving her a stronger wound that amps the obstacles and conflict between Donna and Wayne, and Donna and her son Terry.
• Structure: Act II coming from an abused first marriage, she enters a relationship with a young black man; Act IV she can’t believe Wayne’s visions and wants to end their marriage
• Solution: with her wound she needs to open her heart and faith in order to accept Wayne and Terry.
B. Need Stronger Conflict
Elevated Wayne/The Esonics and Church as the main conflict (will Wayne get his star spotlight). Increased conflicts within The Esonics, these intensify their crisis, climax (added) and resolution scenes.
Intensified Wayne/Donna conflict, as the relationship subplot, especially in Act IV with added scene.
C. Need Stronger Opening
Brainstormed several openings, these helped me tweak the opening to emphasize conflict between Wayne and Marvin and elevate Aunt Willie’s purpose
D. Need Stronger Ending
Revised ending emphasizes importance of relationship with Aunt Willie, and Wayne’s solo gift of voice – he’s earned his spotlight!
Revised Donna/Terry ending scene to show Donna’s acceptance of Terry’s queerness.
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Assignment #7
Tracy Cheney solves major problems for Sorority Mom.
“What I learned from doing this assignment is that I do like the opening and closing, and still have a middle muddle to work through so it logically comes full-circle and doesn’t go too long.
A. Need Stronger Transformational
Journey – Evelyn reclaims some of the moral passion she felt in college as a women’s libber fighting for the rights that GenZ college girls casually flaunt in her face as a senior Boomer.B. Need Stronger Conflict – with three opponents, I just need to make sure every interaction with Evelyn escalates in different directions but still need to tighten up.
C. Need Stronger Opening – I like the opening that I came up with after MANY explorations. Added a scene following close after the opening where the university Greek board reprimands the girls with continuing probation, rather than just hearing about it through exposition somewhere in the script. Sets the stakes for the house up front, as the university has desire to get the property. The girls will have a hard time recruiting enough pledges with a black mark against them during Rush.
D. Need Stronger Ending – I have been happy with the ending with the porch roof caving in on the sorority house and Evelyn getting hired by the frat as their House Director: just not sure if there will be a reference to the university making a move on the property or leaving it that you might remember it from Act 1 and realize the mean sorority is in trouble, well-deserved.
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