Lesson 7: Exchange Feedback on Cycle 1

[Karin Armbrust]

For William Whelan:

So, I’m going to look at the scenes like Hal did, looking for all the pieces. Then add in my own 2 cents. Take what you need and leave the rest. Great job!

Situation and Arc: Both completely followed.

Robert Traits:

• Smooth

○ Trying hard in the opening to seem as cool as possible

○ He’s smooth in a way that suggests he’s not smooth at all. Uses his gregariousness to do this. But he’s more a toad. Is Robert actually smooth?

• Secretive

○ Since I’ve read the scene, I know that he WOULD hurt a woman, so his comment sets up secretiveness

○ “Tricks of my own”, another hint

• Gregarious

○ Very gregarious in the opening. Trying so hard. To the point of being offensive.

• Low Self-Esteem

○ Opening – trying to make Trent think he’s better than he knows he is.

○ Baseless threats. “I know people” “I’ve got connections” “Your ass is mine” – all while he’s on the ground.

* Gossip/Take down – With the exception of blaming Sandy for what he did, I didn’t see any gossiping or using it to take anyone down.

Trent Traits:

• Conspiring

○ The “looks can be deceiving” comment lightly point toward what’s coming.

○ Setting up Robert by telling him what he wants to hear about his hookup.

• Aggressive

○ The confrontation and the attack

○ The taking of the money

• Meticulous

○ Opening scene – making sure Robert understands the rules

○ He has the hotel room all set up.

• Needy

○ I didn’t really see any neediness on Trent’s part.

* Wealthy/use people at their own expense – Is Trent wealthy? He seems like a pimp, maybe he is. He definitely used what he has to take Robert down.

Things I really liked:

1. The name of the girl – Tiffany. You might be able to use it earlier to get Robert excited. As in diamonds.

2. That Robert got his.

Things I wanted to see more of:

1. Robert attempting to fight back.

2. Trent’s motivation for doing this thing. Maybe that’s where his neediness comes in? Maybe he’s in love with Sandy or something. Or maybe he’s mad because his merchandise has been damaged.

Things I was confused about:

1. What a Steam Card is. But since this is part of a bigger project I’m assuming that I’d have found out earlier. I also don’t understand the Instagram hookup, but like I said, I’m sure it was covered earlier.

Woot!

• This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by  Karin Armbrust.

[Karin Armbrust]

For Rick Whitney:

So, I’m going to look at the scenes like Hal did, looking for all the pieces. Then add in my own 2 cents. Take what you need and leave the rest. Great job!

Situation and Arc: Both were there.

Robert Traits:

• Smooth

○ Team player, great with his teammates and coach. Telling Trent “Great Game”.

○ After gossiping about the money, he was smooth “I didn’t say anything because I thought you were my friend.”

○ Admitting he’s not the greatest quarterbacks

• Secretive

○ Pretends he doesn’t know what Trent is talking about.

• Gregarious

○ Leader. Addresses the team about the great game.

• Low Self-Esteem

○ Knows he’s not a great quarterback. He’s

• Gossip/Bringing people down

○ Telling the team Trent had swiped Robert’s parent’s money

Trent Traits:

• Conspiring

○ Did he conspire about anything?

• Aggressive

○ Gets after Robert in front of the team.

○ Brings out his cheating in front of the team.

• Meticulous

○ Is actually a good player and knows it

• Needy

○ Very upset about not getting the ball and not being used in the game.

• Wealthy/uses people at their expense

○ Did Trent buy his way onto the team? It seemed like he had some good points about his skill level.

Things I really liked:

• Seeing a situation of backstabbing being played out with men. It’s usually women who do this, at least in my experience. LOL

Things I wanted to see more of:

• I wanted to see whether Robert was right about the stealing of money or not in Trent’s reaction. Does the team believe Robert or Trent? How do they react? Is the coach there?

Things I was confused about:

• Did Trent buy his way onto the team? Is he as good as it seems like he knows he is?

• Robert got Trent to the trainers area to talk in private. Did the team follow them? It seemed like they did since Robert’s gossiping was to them. They were there. But then they bust into the area to stop the fight.

[Rick Whitney]

For Karin

The scene arc and the scene situation is well addressed.

The characters traits are present both subtle and up front.

I was most impressed with the scene using the interest technique of betrayal each time increasing the level as the scene progressed. I found myself drawn into the scene just to see how far Trent would go and how Robert would react. I was ready to pick up that bottle and clobber Trent myself. The final betrayal really turns into a surprise and a twist when Robert is given his pink slip.

[Karin Armbrust]

Thanks for your feedback Rick! I tried really hard to not telegraph the betrayal and make Trent just awful.

[William Whelan]

William Whelan – QE Cycle #1: Scene Re-Write

TRENT – 40, 6 ft, stocky, buzz cut, wears Jets t-shirt with jeans and sports jacket.

ROBERT – 35, 5’8”, slicked back black hair, wears flashy suit and floral wide lapeled shirt.

INT. HOTEL BAR

Robert and Trent stand at the hotel bar drinking beers.

TRENT

So, you’ve done a hook-up on Instagram before?

ROBERT

Sure — all the time. The babes love me.

TRENT

Then you know the drill.

ROBERT

Been there, done that. Got the steam card in my pocket. If she looks the same as advertised the money is as good as yours.

TRENT

You like them young, don’t you.

ROBERT

Don’t we all.

TRENT

And blonde.

ROBERT

Guilty as charged.

TRENT

You know the rules right? Nothing kinky. No bondage or pain. If she says stop, you stop. Agreed.

ROBERT

Of course — do I look like a guy who would hurt a woman. What do you take me for some low life? You’re looking at Mr. Smooth Operator.

TRENT

No, you look cool — but you never know looks can be deceiving.

ROBERT

Tell me about it. That’s why I don’t pay until I can see the merchandise in person. Nothing like expecting a Mercedes and winding up with dump truck. You get my drift, right?

TRENT

My sentiments exactly. She’s a sweet young thing, college student, so discretion is very important. I don’t like loose lips, that can lead to things getting messy, and we don’t want that do we?

ROBERT

You are preaching to the choir. And in turn, you and me never met. Everything here is on the Q.T..

TRENT

Not a problem. I think she’s your type. I feel she might even surprise you.

ROBERT

I love surprises.

TRENT

Good. She likes to exceed expectations — giving her clients more than they bargained for.

ROBERT

That’s music to my ears. I’ve got a few tricks of my own too.

Robert sticks out his tongue and wags it up and down.

TRENT

You’re the man. Let’s get going.

Trent raises his glass for a toast.

TRENT

To an awesome night. Cheers!

Robert raises his glass and clinks Trent’s glass.

ROBERT

Cheers!

Trent and Robert exit the bar.

INT. HOTEL HALLWAY

Trent unlocks the room door with the keycard and motions for Robert to enter first.

INT. HOTEL ROOM

ROBERT

Where is she?

TRENT

Who?

ROBERT

Tiffany. Who the hell do you think I’m talking about.

TRENT

She left, she decided you weren’t her type.

ROBERT

What the fuck is this a shakedown?

TRENT

No, I would call it retribution. Her friend Sandy told Tiffany what you were really like.

ROBERT

Who the hell is Sandy?

TRENT

You don’t remember Sandy?

ROBERT

No, of course not. Why should I remember some hook-up named Sandy that never happened?

TRENT

Because she remembers you. After you screwed her last month you said she was a bad girl and needed to be punished. You spanked her so hard you left her butt and thighs black and blue. Then when she fought back you punched her in the face giving her a swollen jaw and black eye.

ROBERT

That wasn’t me — you got the wrong guy.

TRENT

It was you all right — she sent me the pic you exchanged with her on Instagram. The one where you were in your boxers — flexing your pecs and biceps.

ROBERT

Okay, it was an accident. She said she was into spanking and things got out of hand — it happens. And I didn’t mean to punch her in the face — I’m really sorry about that. I just flew off the handle – I don’t know what got into me.

Trent takes a step toward Robert.

TRENT

And this is an accident too.

Trent gut punches Robert, and as he doubles over Trent then karate chops him in the back of the neck, sending him to the floor. Robert curls up on the floor groaning in agony. Trent kneels and takes Robert’s wallet from his back pocket removing the steam card and cash.

TRENT

Since you appear to be genuinely sorry, I’m sure you won’t mind making a small contribution to pay for her medical bills.

Trent gets up.

ROBERT

You sonofabitch — you’ll pay for this!

Trent kicks Robert in the gut. Robert groans in agony.

TRENT

Sandy told me to kick you in the balls, but I told her that wasn’t a guy thing.

ROBERT

Don’t think this is over. I know people. You’ll get yours.

TRENT

You threatening me?

ROBERT

I’m telling you you’re messing with the wrong guy — I got connections.

TRENT

Fuck the guy thing!

Trent kicks Robert in the balls. Robert let out a blood curdling groan.

ROBERT

Just you wait dirtbag — your ass is mind.

TRENT

I don’t see why you are taking this so hard Casanova — I thought you said you liked surprises.

Trent gives Robert a mock salute goodbye and exits the room.

[Jeff Cochran]

For Karin,

Hi Karin.

Nice scene here. You definitely hit all the traits.

From Robert’s secretive trait (Keep your voice down. We don’t want this getting out.) to Robert’s smooth trait:

(ROBERT (CONT’D)

A couple more beers? And keep the change.

TRENT

Nice save.)

I like how you used Trent’s dialogue to Indicate Robert’s smooth trait here.

And I like the way you used Robert’s dialogue to indicate Trent’s conspiring trait:

(I couldn’t have done it without you.)

You hit Robert’s gregarious trait with (I love this guy!)

And you used both Robert’s low self-esteem and Trent’s neediness subtext here: (They both survey the crowd. Robert looks over at Trent like he worships him. Trent notices and gives a little smile.)

And this bit of dialogue showed off both Robert’s gossiping/secretiveness and Trent’s conspiracy traits. (Oh, and when I passed around that she was a coke-head, no one could believe it! I couldn’t believe it when you told me! Don’t worry, I left your name out of it completely.)

Then you used the following interest techniques.

Major Twist

Surprise

Mislead/Reveal

And Betrayal.

Then in the latter part of the scene you showed Trent’s aggressiveness and maliciousness throughout his dialogue as he explained to Robert how well he played him.

I do believe you satisfied the requirements of the lesson. Nice work.

[William Whelan]

William Whelan – Critique for Karen Armbrust scene rewrite.

1. Nice touch to have Robert give the bartender a tip to show his character.

2. Would like to see more show and less tell in Suzannes behavior. Possibly have Robert recall an incident at work so we can have a visual.

3. Effective turning of the tables by Trent on Robert to demonstrate his character.

4. Good use of inference in the final scene rather than the actual attack in the restroom.

5. Felt the scene could have had snappier dialogue, often the verbal exchanges came off as expository rather than natural.

[Karin Armbrust]

Thanks William!

[Karin Armbrust]

For Jeff Chochran:

Fun scene! Quite a chaotic time for Trent who doesn’t know what’s coming. Okay so here is what I saw:

Arc/Situation: nailed this

Person 1 Traits:

Robert is very gregarious and smooth in his way with Trent and the crowd. Since I know the ending of the scene he’s also very secretive. The low self-esteem comes in when he has Ms. Vasquez do the beating.

Person 1 Subtext:

Robert has been talking about his deal with Trent maybe a little too much.

Person 2 Traits:

Trent is definitely conspiring to swindle Robert. I know he’s meticulous because he set the deal up but I didn’t actually see it in the script, maybe I missed something? He shows his aggressive side when he gets away from Robert to go to the pisser. LOL. Things have gotten away from Trent and we know it for sure when he says “I might be fucked.”

Person 2 Subtext:

He presents himself as wealthy but doesn’t pay for the party like he said he would, always lying “I always take care of my friends.”

Interest Techniques: Surprise, Character Change, Major Twist, Reveal.

Things I loved:

• I loved that Trent is confronted with so many people and it seems like he didn’t expect it. I suspect that he didn’t expect Monica’s Uncle Dominic at all and that that’s a problem. It’s an unraveling.

• I loved the reveal of Ms. Vasquez.

Things I wanted to see more of:

• Robert more involved at the ending, maybe either luring Trent to Ms. Vasquez and/or being in the room when he’s beaten by her.

• If Uncle Dominic wasn’t expected, for Trent to show that more.

Things I was confused by:

I think the biggest thing I was confused by was whether Trent was expecting all these people and Uncle Dominic. Was he there to swindle them all? Or did things get out of hand?