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Lesson 7
Reply to post your assignment.
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16 Replies
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Subject: Monica’s Query Letter
What I learned doing this assignment is to ensure all the elements of a successful query letter is incorporated into my own. But it would have been nice to see a few more examples of successful letters.
Write your query letter…
Dear Producer:
The next Taken!
Business is booming! Human trafficking is the fastest growing criminal industry in the world. One woman can make her pimp $300K a year.
With her sister last seen with a known trafficker, Victoria, an undercover cop with a bad-ass attitude, infiltrates the human trafficking ring pretending to want in on the action. When she’s introduced to Jack, a cocaine addicted trafficker, Victoria recognizes him as the man her sister was with when she disappeared.
Jack and his mother, Beatrice, enjoy an Oedipus complex-type relationship and have over enjoyed the fruits of their depravity. After putting Victoria in charge of their new gentlemen’s club, it is raided by the police. The girls rescued.
Now they must source new blood from one of the US sanctuary cities. But that mission also goes wrong. To top things off, the traffickers’ police contact has gone silent.
Thinking Victoria is to blame for all their bad luck Jack takes matters into his own hands. Only to have Victoria beat him at his own game.
Until Jack’s girlfriend tells him who Victoria really is.
Will Victoria survive what Jack has planned for her? Or, will the betrayal that her sister was part of the human trafficking ring all along destroy her instead?
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Regards,
Monica Arisman.
Mobile: 403-850-4279
Email: marisman@shaw.ca
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Lesson 7 – Query Letter Second Attempt
What I learned re-doing this assignment is to listen to the video first to get insight into how to make your QL compelling.
1<sup>st</sup> Act Difficult Situation – Victoria, a lone wolf cop with a bad-ass attitude must work within an undercover team to bring down a human trafficking ring where the main trafficker, Jack, is the man last seen with her sister, Lizzie.
1<sup>st</sup> Act Turning Point – Until Victoria showed up, Jack and his human traffickers were able to fly under police radar because of their inside man. But the mole goes dark. Jack’s new venture is raided by police. And, undercover Victoria is arrested.
2<sup>nd</sup> & 3<sup>rd</sup> Act’s Conflict – As the tension escalates Jack blames Victoria for things going from bad to worse.
Final Hook – Can Victoria survive Jack’s plan for her? Or, will Lizzie’s betrayal that she was a willing human trafficker destroy Victoria?
Opening Hook – The Next Taken!
GENRE: Action/Adventure
TITLE: TRAFFICK/STOP
Dear Producer:
The Next Taken!
Victoria, a lone wolf cop with a bad-ass attitude, must work within an undercover team to bring down a human trafficking ring. The main trafficker, Jack is a cocaine addicted, sexual deviant, who just happens to be the last man seen with her sister Lizzie.
Until Victoria showed up, Jack and his human traffickers were able to fly under police radar because of their inside man. But the mole’s gone dark. Jack’s new venture is raided by police. And, undercover Victoria is arrested.
As tension escalates between Jack and Victoria, Jack blames her for things going from bad to worse and plots his revenge.
Can Victoria survive Jack’s plan for her? Or, will Lizzie’s betrayal that she was a willing human trafficker destroy Victoria instead?
If you like the concept of TRAFFICK/STOP, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Regards,
Monica Arisman.
Mobile/Text: 403-850-4279
Email: marisman@shaw.ca
Bio: Monica has placed well in multiple screenwriting contests.
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Tasha’s Query Letter
What I learned doing this assignment is giving yourself the freedom to brainstorm hooks is a lot of fun and you end up having new insights about your screenplay.
AN EXORCISE IN LOVE
GENRE: Horror Rom Com
An exorcism can really mess up your dating life.
All Bethany wants is one, decent date, but her demon and her priest won’t allow it. Demon 23 acts more like a toxic ex than a supernatural entity. And, Deacon Anders keeps assigning her penance every time she swipes right. Still optimistic about finding love, Bethany vows to put a stop to all the bad dating once and for all. But where to begin?
Then she discovers an unlikely support group: The Survivors of Bethany.
Turns out someone has been sending Bethany’s suitor concrete evidence of her demonic entanglement. As she digs deeper down the rabbit hole she discovers that her father figure and mentor, Deacon Anders, is not only behind the betrayal, but he’s a closet occultist Hell-bent on possessing his way to the Vatican and using Bethany’s death to do so.
Can Bethany and Demon 23 put aside their differences and stop Deacon Anders before it’s too late? Or even worse, can she deal with Demon 23’s realization that he wants to love her, not possess?
Did Linda Blair have to deal with any of this dating nonsense after her exorcism?
If you like the concept of AN EXORCISE IN LOVE, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Tasha Espinoza
BIO: Aside from studying scary movies since the age of two, Tasha has actively increased her expertise in the genre by writing several horror screenplays and taking ScreenwritingU’s course on Creating Terrifying Horror Scripts.
CONTACT INFO: My email/my phone #
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Terrell’s Query Letter
What I learned doing this assignment is those first 5 lessons are key to build upon, there’s real gems in them if dig just a little bit.
GENRE: Horror
TITLE: The Darkness
OPENING HOOK: What if several foreigners traveled to the Philippines and discovered that every monster, every spell, every curse, every backwater belief is 100% real.
Synopsis: Western men are known to flock to the Philippines for wives or girlfriends knowing little about the culture and even less about the folklore.
A business woman risks everything to build a resort on land cursed by a powerful witch, while a group of foreigners discover the dark side of Philippine folklore.
The entire resort (this is a contained movie) comes under attack by a monster filled, inky darkness that ordinary light can’t penetrate.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Bio: Terrell has spent time in the Philippines investigating the folklore. He made a gris-gris bag (a talisman, amulet or charm, believed capable of warding off evil and bringing good luck to oneself or another) for a friend who claimed she was under attack by witches. She said the counter measure was effective. He placed as a quarter finalist in the Los Angeles International Screenplay Diversity Initiative Contest in 2023.
CONTACT INFO: 555-012-3456
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This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by Terrell Harris.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by
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Deb’s Query Letter
What I learned… Some excellent ways to shape a Query letter that will get the attention of managers and producers! I have two compelling hooks – not sure which one to go with – so I put both. It was great to see all our lessons thus far come together and build confidence that I will continue to write superb query letters going forward. Also – a question – if we are targeting a specific actor – and we are sending out this query to them – is there a best way to pitch that? And where would that go in the letter? Hopefully, Hal will address this in an upcoming class.
A plastic bag passes from one owner to another and affects each life in a significant way.
Could a father be merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love?
Delia doesn’t know what this looks like. Her own father left when she was six years old. She shattered a glass door trying to chase him down – and she’s got scars. Now she’s a snarky teenager, addicted to her phone, and suspended from school for cyberbullying.
Her rough-and-tumble grandma, Abby, tosses that phone out the car window. They’re on their way to visit Abby’s oldest friend…. the uber-famous, yet grounded artist, Torrie Hartman, who has woven the stories of the Plastic Bag into her new art exhibit. Each piece of art comes alive as she narrates.
This cursed bag wreaks havoc in every life it touches, and this gets Delia’s attention. Will she allow herself to be drawn into the messy drama? It doesn’t look like it when she sneaks away and almost kills herself trying to buy a new phone.
Turns out the stories are true and based on both Torrie and Abby’s trials – except the real endings are much worse. Delia is moved. Finally, Torrie reveals how her artwork is theological and paints a picture of God the Father.
The door to life is open for Delia. Does she have faith to step through?
Bio: I have a BA in Film from Columbia College, Chicago. I’m also a theological junkie and have logged thousands upon thousands of hours studying the Bible and learning about God the Father.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Contact Info:
Deborah Johnson
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Tony J Scott Query Letter
Hello Producer,
Genre: Syfy Horror Action
Title: The Vatican Order
Written by: Tony J Scott
A Vatican Priest with an executioner affinity.
In a near future, as a retired Priest, Father Julian Davenport spends most days ignoring his ghosts and trying to quit smoking. What happens when he gets called back to duty by the Vatican and ordered to kill illegal vampires?
Once he starts killing he can’t stop himself.
Julian figures out that he is stuck in a time loop. He has to figure out how to save his niece, Olivia, stop the time loop and protect his biggest secret.
Never trust a priest.
The Vatican neglect to mention that Julian is being hunted by a Killer Monk with orders to clean up all loose ends. How long will it take before the hunter becomes the hunted and for his betrayers to reap what they sew?
He discovers in the end that his ultimate sacrifice means everything and nothing is more important than family.
If you are interested, contact me and I’ll send the screenplay.
Thank you.
Tony has a BA in Religious Studies and has self published two Religious syfy novels.
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Subject: Ken’s Query letter
What I learned from this is how important it is to build one class upon the next. And also, that you can attack the Query/and other Pitches from many angles.
Dear Producer,
Title: Enola
Genre: Dark Comedy, sports
My sports comedy includes gambling, drugs, and murder, and if I asked you, which sport would you guess? Probably not golf, and most likely not the LPGA. Enola is a rock-star, golf-phenom, who against all odds, crashes the ranks of professional golf.
Enola is a Serial Killer Sports Comedy, and not in that order.
We all know about the superstitious pre-game rituals that many athletes have, their specialized diets, and the hard work, super- dedication to their sport. Can I ask you one more question, if you wanted something so much, would you do anything to get it?
Most athletes never achieve the Pro-level, once there earning a win professionally is a lifetime memory, and only a select few achieve greatness.
Enola reluctantly makes a deal with the devil, her brother, in his sobriety as he takes over as her caddy. She discovers then develops an unusual winning habit, and she continues her journey while trying to confess to her strangely tone-deaf supporters.
Would you be willing to read my script? If so, I’ll send that your way. I’ve had two of my screenplays optioned, and I’m eager to work and collaborate to make Enola a hit.
All the best,
Ken Turocy
(216) 906-9669
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What I learned doing this and previous assignments was to give them enough to pique their interest to want to read the script.
Lin’s Query Letter
Dear Producer,
Title: The 26th Apprentice
Written by Lin Fuentes
Genre: Bio/drama
Can one woman break through deep-seated bias and change the hearts and minds of men, or is their prejudice insurmountable?
Based on the true story about a petite, young woman in 1974, who confronts gender bias as she fights to join a four year electrical apprenticeship program. Despite excelling in written exams, Linda’s low oral interview score reveals that it accounted for 50% of her overall evaluation. She takes legal action against the union, leading to a settlement that adds her as the 26th apprentice.
Navigating a male-dominated world, Linda endures challenges and teasing on her first job in residential work. She attends night classes alongside 25 male apprentices. Six months later, she faces increased animosity and struggles with anxiety at an oil refinery, testing her resolve.
Linda uncovers new fears and academic challenges in her third year, with the union’s strategic efforts to oust her putting her dreams to the ultimate test.
If you like the concept of The 26th Apprentice, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Thanks for your time.
555-123-4567
emailaddress@script4u
123 Main St
Anywhere, USA
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Assignment #7
David Wickenden Query Letter
What I learned? All the elements have their place to make a short, yet sweet business letter that catches the attention of a producer.
Dear Producer
It’s hard enough to get away with murdering child abusers without having your best friend hunting for you.
Laura, a driven psychiatrist, has firsthand experienced of the damage left behind by child abusers. Learning to fight from the people she serves; Laura begins a crusade to bring real justice to those who hurt children. But now her best friend and RCMP officer Janice is tasked with hunting her down.
When the guilty have more rights than the innocent, what options are left?
Molested as a child, Janice believes in the Law. But having seen criminals walk because of a technicality, she questions which method really works. Her job pits her against her best friend and the very woman who saved her years ago.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
I am an award-winning author who has adapted several of my books for film.
Regards,
David Wickenden
+1 705-698-0708
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ADDICTIVE
High Concept – A dystopian cyberpunk story that sets immortal Outliers against their darkest addictions in a reality game show for survival.
Elevator Pitch – Children and parents are indistinguishable as everyone one appears 25. Births are outlawed, retirement doesn’t exist, earth’s resources are almost gone and pollution has taken over. A brilliant immortal scientist has discovered a way to reverse earth’s deterioration. To do so she must first survive the reality show by an ancient evil named Seth, who uses chaos to distract the population as he reintroduces death during the newest reality show.
If you like the concept, we’d be happy to send you the script.
Roger worked in a science think tank and Tricia comes from a career helping people with disabilities. Together we create smart sci-fi horror with heart.
Addictive – Finalist in the Cordillera International Film Festival, 2023
Addictive – Semi-finalist in the Geneva Sci-Fi International Film Festival, 2023
Contact information: (775) 200-3155, tltribble@outlook.com
THE DARK ONE
High Concept–A child of a violent mentally ill woman transforms into a force for good for all abused children and critters.
Elevator Pitch – A child faces her own shadow, transforming into a force of healing and light in innocents. This little girl and her shadow force predators to face their own evil and greatest fears with the option of staying in their own darkness or becoming better as light givers.
If you like the concept, we’d be happy to send you the script.
Roger worked in a science think tank and Tricia comes from a career helping people with disabilities. Together we create smart sci-fi horror with heart.
Addictive – Finalist in the Cordillera International Film Festival
The Dark One – Official Selection of the Santa Barbara International Film Festival
Contact information: (775) 200-3155, tltribble@outlook.com
BAKING BAD – 1968
High Concept–Two sisters escape the police in their pink food truck filled with Mary Jane gourmet brownies.
Elevator Pitch-Two sisters burn their bras as their men-friends burn their draft cards during the violent, creative and transformational 60’s. They sing and prance while baking and selling gourmet Mary Jane brownies.
If you like the concept, we’d be happy to send you the script.
Roger worked in a science think tank and Tricia comes from a career helping people with disabilities. Together we create smart sci-fi horror with heart.
Addictive – Finalist in the Cordillera International Film Festival
Baking Bad 1968 – Honorable Mention in the Santa Barbara International Film Festival
Contact information: (775) 200-3155, tltribble@outlook.com
What I learned – I have changed my perspective, which strengthened and clarified my scripts.
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Assignment 7
Sheila Rinear’s Query Letter for Sons of Treason
Huzzah! A wicked traitor who murdered the English King and robbed the English treasury is dead, executed by the new young king, Edward. But when Edward’s she-wolf Queen Mother tells him, “Don’t think this will end well for you!” he realizes that she was in love with the man he just executed. What?
Along with this really-bad-day news brought to us by historical accounts, Edward’s advisors put him wise to the fact that the Queen Mother’s got a younger bastard son, Robert, hidden in France waiting to take Edward’s throne from him.
Edward invades France to capture his bastard brother. Edward proves himself a gifted military strategist. But his one weakness does show up and threaten to paralyze his winning streak as he marches toward Paris: nightmares.
No worries! A dream interpreter in the English camp, relieving soldiers of their PTSD symptoms, is brought to Edward. Traveling incognito, the dream interpreter is none other than Robert, Edward’s crown-seeking bastard brother. Coincidence? Nah.
When Edward’s wife has more than her curiosity aroused by the charismatic dream interpreter Robert, she discovers his true identity. What could that lead to?
Battles, betrayals, romance, surprise loyalties and heroic deeds that span a war that lasted one hundred years.
If you are interested in this script, I’d be happy to send it to you.
BIO: I am a produced and published playwright and have placed well in multiple screenwriting contests.
Phone: _______________ website: _________________ email: __________________
What I learned doing this assignment: I learned that it really helps to completely know the cause-and-effect flow of my story. I realized that if I had lined it up more carefully at the start, this part would not have been so difficult.
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Rob’s Query Letter
Dear Producer,
How can you patch up your relationship with your 13-year-old at the father-daughter camping trip when you’re stuck 400 years in the past?
PILGRIM PHIL is the one family holiday comedy that Hollywood never gave us, ‘til now. Think “Elf” meets “Back to the Future” at Thanksgiving.
Phil is a struggling junior cranberry sauce salesman who’s having an especially rough Turkey Day. His career is going nowhere; his ex-wife has remarried to a rich, talented, super nice guy who totally outclasses him; and worst of all, his relationship with his beloved 13-year-old daughter Rachel has grown distant and sour.
Phil has a long-awaited chance to patch things up with Rachel this coming weekend at the father-daughter camping trip, but when he gets the wishbone at the Thanksgiving dinner table, he makes an ill-considered wish that turns his entire life upside down. The seemingly innocuous words “I wish Thanksgiving had never been invented,” backfire, and Phil finds himself flung through time to ye olde Pilgrim days of 1621.
There he meets orphaned, 13-year-old Native American girl Oiguina, who teaches Phil three important lessons: how to appreciate the blessings in his life, how to be a better father, and how to get back to the future. To return to 2023 in time for the camping trip, he merely has to convince the reluctant natives and dimwitted Pilgrims to help him invent Thanksgiving so he can make the wishbone wish that will take him back home.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Besides being a multiple Nicholl Finalist and Semi-Finalist honored screenwriter, I’m also a dad who knows the pain of seeing his relationship with his 13-year-old daughter change and begin to slip away.
Drop me a note or call me if you’d like to learn more.
310.663.8811
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Bob Kerr: Query Letter
Mr./Ms.
BIO: A quarterfinalist at the LA Spring 2023 Screenwriting competition. Co-Captain of the first rowing crew at Wichita State.
Based on the true story of a single mother, in Wichita, Kansas, finding her voice and power with the first ever rowing crew while being coached by a World Champion at the dawn of Title IX.
Fleeing a violent marriage, a single mother returns to her authoritarian father as a last resort. Virtually penniless, she must rebuild her life and that of her young daughter.
She is recruited to go out for rowing by a World Champion. He transforms her life and she finds the courage to defy her father. She becomes the leader of the women’s crew as they overcome every obstacle to become champions.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Contact Info: name, phone number & email.
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Dan’s Query Letter
What I learned – to craft the query letter using marketing first, not story! Huge difference!
KALEIDOSCOPE
Genre: Horror
Kaleidoscopes can be magical, but this one is evil.
When teenager Kendall finds this mysterious kaleidoscope, her family’s biggest fears start coming true. Kendall is attacked in her home by a strange stalker, and the teen exhibits signs of demonic possession in front of her mother. When these threats get more dangerous, Kendall tries to flee her home, only to learn…
The kaleidoscope has turned her house into a maze of supernatural horrors!
After miraculously escaping, Kendall learns there’s a demon imprisoned in the kaleidoscope. It’s been isolating each family member into their own personalized nightmare, and intends to devour her loved ones after they’re fully trapped in its web of phantasms. Kendall decides to return to her house and try to save her family, risking her life once again.
Will Kendall be able to save her family from the horrifying labyrinth of the kaleidoscope?
If you like the concept for KALEIDOSCOPE, I’d be happy to send you the script.
BIO: Dan is a screenwriter specializing in horror. He has a shopping agreement with a producer and has placed well in multiple horror contests, which can be found on his Coverfly page.
Dan LoBrace
Email
Phone
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Query Letter
What I learned – clearer that this is a great thing to do sooner than later..
OPENING HOOK: After relishing in deriding “gullible” women in true crime cases, a smug Florida armchair detective makes herself the next easy victim in a femme fatale plot she built a career ridiculing.
Dear [Name],
SYNOPSIS:
This timely 1-hour dramedy follows Remy, a cocky Florida criminologist hungry to prove her superior sleuthing skills. But when Remy’s reckless investigation into a charming real estate developer ensnares her as the next duped woman in the scams she mocks, she’s forced to gain empathy and discretion to expose the chilling truth.Combining the quirky character dynamics of Search Party with complex female relationships a la Claws, this zeitgeisty series hilariously skewers beloved Florida absurdity tropes. Remy’s arrogance blinds her to the obvious corruption surrounding a gullible friend’s questionable new beau. But this dismissed confidante may hold the key to unraveling the con man’s web Remy is so certain she can dismantle.
BIO: As a writer enthralled by the true crime genre but aware my own bravery likely falls short, I love studying what makes for compelling stories that hook audiences and keep them engaged. I’m also a media enthusiast focused on understanding the factors that determine a show’s success from start to finish.
If you enjoy this timely Florida-flavored concept subverting true crime conventions through an upside-down perspective, I’d be happy to send the full script. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely, [Name] [Contact Info]
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John Woodward’s Query Letter – Draft One
Doing this assignment, I learned more about writing a query letter.
Question 1.
TO ANYONE WHO READS THIS PLEASE VOTE for the best opening hook to a noir-thriller
A, B, or C below:
A. Allison Van Zandt, the abused wife of a notorious broker of black-market art, to her lover: I realized at an early age that under the right circumstances, I was capable of anything.
B. If the potential payoff were a $20 million masterpiece, would you put your life on the line for an alluring woman who might not be worthy of trust?
C. The Takedown Artist is a neo-noir thriller about a washed-up cage fighter who risks his life to steal a $20-million masterpiece with a mysterious and seductive woman who might not be worthy of trust.
QUESTION 2.
The Takedown Artist: a neo-noir thriller
Synopsis
A washed-up cage fighter meets an alluring woman hours before her estranged husband, a notorious broker of black-market art, tries to kill her. Desperate to start a new life, she persuades the fighter to help her steal a cursed El Greco masterpiece from her husband who stole it from a barbaric Russian expatriate in L.A. to shop the hot masterpiece — “trophy art” stolen during World War II.
Their plan rebounds on them when the husband is killed during the heist. In their struggle to escape the Russian barbarian and the police, they fall in love, but can you trust your lover when the tie that binds is murder? Is the seductress an abused wife desperate to free herself from a controlling husband — or a world-class con artist?
A mysterious murder, a cursed masterpiece, a gauntlet of MMA battles, and a decadent LA underworld forge a noir canvas where love, greed, trust and betrayal slug it out toe-to-toe.
QUESTION 3.
BIO: John Woodward has an MA in Film Production from UT Austin. He has written and directed three feature films. Texas Taliban won several festival awards. His short film Disciples of the Crow, based on a Stephen King story, won an Academy Award. His feature screenplay Out of the Dark won the Houston International film Festival.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Sincerely,
John Woodward
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This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by John Woodward.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by
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