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Lesson 7 Assignments
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MODULE EIGHT LESSON SEVEN
FRAN HAS AMAZING DIALOGUE
WHAT I LEARNED: It takes genuine thought to put emotion and real words into the mouth of a character. I’m still putting a lot of thought into my steamboat script as I try to keep up with the lessons here. I’m using what I’m learning here to elevate and make that script great. And it’s really helping me. This script, I’m putting more on the back burner. I have other stories that are more pressing for me, more interesting to work on at the moment.
MY VISION: I want to write great movies. Movies that are magical, movies that move people and tell the truth. I want to write movies that stars will want to be in.
Old line:
Meredith to her agent over the phone:
MEREDITH: I’m afraid this time it’s over. I just need the courage to make it a reality. The work isn’t going as planned. The partnership.
New line:
MEREDITH: It’s over.—For good this time. Jerome’s made it impossible for me to work on this project any longer.—The partnership? There is no partnership. There hasn’t been one for some time now.—Unless you’re talking about the one that really has his attention these days.—My days with Jerome—are over.
Meredith, again, talking to her agent on the phone about the story she’s discovered.
Old line:
MEREDITH: I found this story. I think it would make a good screenplay. At least. I like the story. It’s about the Romanov family. Their daughter, Olga. Especially.
New line:
MEREDITH: I found this story … I think you’re going to really like it. It’s about the Romanovs. Czar Nicholas’s family at the start of the Great War. Their daughter, Olga.—Tragic ending.—Tragic love story.—Pretty much like mine.
Olga and her mother Alexandria are having it out over Dmitri, her cousin, her betrothed. The one who plotted to assassinate Rasputin with others of the royal household.
Old line:
ALEXANDRA: This is your fault!
OLGA: How is it my fault, Mother?
ALEXANDRA: He killed the man who kept Alexei alive.
OLGA: I don’t care. I love Dmitri.
ALEXANDRIA: You are forbidden to ever see him again.
OLGA: I hate you. I hate you forever.
New Line:
ALEXANDRA: This is on your head!
OLGA: Why is it on my head?
ALEXANDRA: You want to marry Dmitri.
OLGA: I love him, Mother. He is everything to me. More.
ALEXANDRA: He murdered the one man who has kept Alexei alive.
OLGA: Alexei is the only child that counts—in your eyes?
ALEXANDRA: How dare you!
OLGA: Rasputin was evil!
ALEXANDRA: He was a man of God!
OLGA: A man of God? A man of SIN, you mean! You cannot deny me my love.
ALEXANDRA: I forbid you to ever see him again.
OLGA: You. The woman who compromised herself with a—man of God—forbidding me?
Olga tries to walk out.
ALEXANDRA: I WILL SEE TO IT HE IS BANISHED FROM RUSSIA FOR FOREVER! You will never see him again!
Olga stops, looks at her mother with complete scorn.
OLGA: As—you–wish. Mother.
She storms out.
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Dave Has amazing dialogue
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal values.
What I learned from this assignment is that dialogue can be elevated readily using the techniques listed.
I improved 15 lines of dialogue in the script.
ROGER
Never thought I’d turn out to be soft. But it isn’t easy shooting a bloke up close.
ROGER
Never thought I’d turn out to be soft. But I couldn’t shoot the bloke up close.
ROGER
I heard Las Vegas was a big party town, decades ago. Bit of a Sodom and Gomorrah.
NIGEL
You’d think it would flourish in a state with no laws.
ROGER
I heard Las Vegas was a big party town, decades ago. Bit of a Sodom and Gomorrah.
NIGEL
Sounds like your kind of spot, Rog. You should’ve been born 30 years earlier.
ROGER
Force is the only thing that impresses the buggers.
ROGER
Force is the only thing the buggers believe in.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by David Holloway.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by David Holloway.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by
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Lynn had Amazing Dialogue!
VISION: I am determined to become a great screenwriter capable of getting my screenplays in various genres produced into movies that inspire vast audiences to mitigate climate change.
THE PITCH: WEATHERING IT (Rom-Com) is about two college students who struggle to overcome family fights about global warming, then try to get married during the worst ever Texas freeze.
I LEARNED that there is always room for improving the dialogue, no matter how many rewrites I’ve done. Also by looking at script vs. movies, I see a lot of better dialogue in the movies, but as a spec writer I need to do that in the script AMAP.
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One problem my script has is it’s too preachy about climate change, so:
1. Jim leads Ellie in a prayer, first for the turtles they just saw, she adds on “And to end global warming.” Then Jim adds on: “And for the doofuses who deny it.”
I changed this latter to:
“And for the doofuses of the world. Like me.” (This fits since he has just found out her uncle is his pastor and he’s changing his plan from bedding her to getting serious.)
2. I also changed the word “deniers” a few scenes later to “skeptics.”
3. I spill the beans too much when Ellie explains her wound & fear of losing her temper on page 30 (when she has just shied from plates breaking in the cafeteria) from: “Mom broke a lot of dishes once… in a fit of rage and… Never mind” to “Mom broke a lot of dishes once… and… Never mind.” Then the whole & better story comes out in her monologue on page 82.
4. In a scene before Jim realizes he serious about Ellie (see #1), he’s driving recklessly. His friend tells him “Hey, buddy, trying to kill us? Slow down.” To “Hey, buddy, Slow down. I’m not part of your death wish.” The former sounded a bit generic and the latter helps get the point across better that Jim has some issues.
Made many more changes, mostly just wordsmithing, but a few more important changes, plus I need to see if I can redo a particular scene….
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I’ve been worried about my sagging 3rd Act, so I’m making it a bit more iffy about whether it will work out for the couple (and I may have to do much more as I improve it). So I changed the following:
ELLIE: I’ve also been thinking, Jim.
Without you I’m as effective as the
living dead. But I won’t mess it up
between you and your mother.
(voice warble)
If I still had MY mother, I
wouldn’t hurt her for anything. So
I’ll go to Houston with you.Changed the last part to: So– (no enthusiasm) I’ll go to Houston with you.
AND the following responses:
JIM: No Ellie. It’s a big fat city.
You’d hate it.ELLIE
(tsks): I’ve been there. It’s okay. We’ll
do something better than Uncle
Layo’s closed circuit ranch.
(off his skeptical look)
I finally realized that I just
wanted to hide out at his ranch,
avoid the world. So I insist.I cut out “We’ll do something better…” so as not to make it too hopeful, but kept “I finally realized I just wanted to hide out at Uncle Layo’s ranch, avoid the world. So, yeh, I’ll go with you.”
AND
ELLIE: I’m all in, Jim. I think God had
better plans than mine. So… it
feels right. Like it’s meant to be.
But I worry they [his uncle and mom] won’t like me.JIM: Let’s just enjoy our time before
arriving at the Houston gallows.
(off Ellie’s worry)
Gallows humor.Jim warms her with his heart-melting smile, then kisses her
passionately. A lone passer-by CLAPS.TO:
ELLIE: I worry they won’t like me.
JIM: And I worry you won’t like Uncle
Fred or his business. But let’s just enjoy our time
before arriving at the Houston
gallows.
(off Ellie’s worry)
Gallows humor.Jim warms her with his heart-melting smile, then kisses her.
A lone passer-by CLAPS.0
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<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Subject: Monica has Amazing Dialogue!
Vision: I will continue to learn everything I can through all different media to apply what I learn to become the best screenwriter I can be. To be successful in getting my movies made and to win awards in the process.
What I learned from doing this assignment is with the help of the Skill Mastery Sheet as a guide I could go through the script pretty fast. I also had a lot of the lines I wanted to elevate ready to go.
3. Tell us how many lines you elevated and give us three before-and-after examples.
Elevated about 25-30 lines.
Example One.
Conall and Jay are driving to the security office (this is after Conall takes the mission and his family has died in the fire).
Before Lines:
Jay turns back toward the passing landscape.
CONALL: This can do one of two ways. You can either help me or…
JAY: Or you’ll kill me?
CONALL: No. But I can make your life uncomfortable.
JAY: It’s already uncomfortable.
CONALL: What does that mean?
Jay silently shakes his head.
After Lines: I like this dialogue. I tried to elevate it but to no avail.
Sarcasm/Allusion: Sarcasm because Jay challenges Conall about killing him. Allusion because his life on Earth is already uncomfortable.
Before Lines:
Scene 14: Jay is taking Conall to where he hid the artefact after he stole it.
They’re driving along at night.
Conall: Do you have a family?
Jay: I did when I left on this mission?
Conall: When was that?
Jay: What happened to your family?
Conall: They were killed in a fire. Only the dog survived somehow.
Jay: I don’t like dogs. They always seem to know what you’re thinking.
Conall: I feel that same way about cats.
After Lines:
They’re driving along at night.
Conall: Do you have a family?
Jay: I did when I left on this mission?
Conall: When was that?
Jay: What happened to your family?
Conall: They were killed in a fire. Only the dog survived somehow.
Jay: I don’t like dogs. Always so needy.
Conall: That’s because they love unconditionally. What about cats?
Jay: Cats? I haven’t met a cat.
Conall: Cats always seem to know what you’re thinking. They tolerate their family.
Jay: Is that so?
Conall: Like you tolerate us.
Example Two.
Harry shows Conall the artefact hooked up to a quantum computer.
Before Lines:
Conall: What is it?
Harry: It has many names. I call it the crystal ball.
Conall: What does it have to do with security?
Harry: The security of the world is at stake.
Conall: The security of the world is always at stake.
Harry: The crystal ball will benefit humanity. In the right hands.
Conall: You mean your hands.
After Lines:
Conall: What is it?
Harry: I call it the crystal ball.
Conall: What do you want me to do about it?
Harry: Recover it.
Conall: And then what? Give it to you?
Harry: I’ll see that it benefits humanity.
Conall: In what way?
Harry: The security of the world is at stake.
Conall: And it will continue to be at stake.
Before Lines.
INT. SAUCER – NIGHT
Conall and Harry fall to the floor.
CONALL
SHUT THAT ONE DOWN.
Jay types on his tablet. That time stream fades. Conall pushes the blue button.
JAY
Where were you?
CONALL
Somewhere in the Napoleonic war.
Lieutenant Sarah has one of Harry’s arms behind his back.
JAY
Do you think you changed anything?
CONALL
I tried really hard not to. But this one got himself taken captive. So that might have done something. And I left three bullets behind. Couldn’t help it. Had to create a diversion to rescue the fool.
HARRY
I really need the facilities. The food was horrible. And some water. I’m pretty sure they gave us watered down horse piss.
CONALL
Lieutenant.
LIEUTENANT SARAH
On it.
CONALL
Take your gun.
After Lines:
INT. SAUCER – NIGHT
Conall and Harry fall to the floor.
CONALL
SHUT THAT ONE DOWN.
Jay types on his tablet. That time stream fades. Conall pushes the blue button.
JAY
Where were you?
CONALL
Somewhere in the Napoleonic war.
Lieutenant Sarah has pounced on Harry. She has one of Harry’s arms behind his back.
JAY
Do you think you changed anything?
CONALL
I tried really hard not to. But this one got himself taken captive. So that might have done something. And I left three bullets behind. Couldn’t help it. Had to create a diversion to rescue the fool.
HARRY
I really need the facilities. The food was horrible. And some water. I’m pretty sure they gave us watered down horse piss.
CONALL
I don’t fucking care what you want at this moment. Of all the boneheaded things to do. Just jump into one of the time streams. After all the warnings we’ve given you.
HARRY
It’s taking too long.
CONALL
And now it’s going to take longer. Careful planning has gone into this mission. From beings a hell of a lot smarter than you or I. You may think you know everything but you don’t. No one does. Not about this artefact anyways.
Conall pulls his gun.
CONALL
Now you can either wait until it’s determined we have the right time steam. Or, we will destroy the artefact and I shoot you now. What’s it going to be?
HARRY
Fine. But I still need to use the facilities.
CONALL
Lieutenant.
LIEUTENANT SARAH
On it.
CONALL
Take your gun.
She marches Harry out of the saucer.
Example Three.
Before Lines:
Scene 14: Jay is taking Conall to where he hid the artefact after he stole it.
They’re driving along at night.
Conall: Do you have a family?
Jay: I did when I left on this mission?
Conall: When was that?
Jay: What happened to your family?
Conall: They were killed in a fire. Only the dog survived somehow.
Jay: I don’t like dogs. They always seem to know what you’re thinking.
Conall: I feel that same way about cats.
After Lines:
They’re driving along at night.
Conall: Do you have a family?
Jay: I did when I left on this mission?
Conall: When was that?
Jay: What happened to your family?
Conall: They were killed in a fire. Only the dog survived somehow.
Jay: I don’t like dogs. Always so needy.
Conall: That’s because they love unconditionally. What about cats?
Jay: Cats? I haven’t met a cat.
Conall: Cats always seem to know what you’re thinking. They tolerate their family.
Jay: Is that so?
Conall: Like you tolerate us.
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Module 9 isn’t up yet, but I find synonym lists helpful. Here’s one for “walk”: https://www.dailywritingtips.com/60-synonyms-for-walk/
It starts:
1. Amble: walk easily and/or aimlessly
2. Bounce: walk energetically
3. Clump: walk heavily and/or clumsily
4. Falter: walk unsteadily
5. Foot it: depart or set off by walking
6. Footslog: walk through mud
7. Gimp: see limp
8. Hike: take a long walk, especially in a park or a wilderness area
9. Hobble: walk unsteadily or with difficulty; see also limp
10. Hoof it: see “foot it”
11. Leg it: see “foot it”
12. Limp: walk unsteadily because of injury, especially favoring one leg; see also falter
13. Lumber: walk slowly and heavily
14. Lurch: walk slowly but with sudden movements, or furtively
15. March: walk rhythmically alone or in a group according to a specified procedure
——————————I’ve also stored up files on “wince” and facial expressions, etc.
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Here’s another great one: https://bluecatscreenplay.com/the-bluecat-screenplay-competition-blog/1000-words-write/
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Erin Ziccarelli Has Amazing Dialogue!
Vision: I am creating profound scripts that leave audiences remembering my movies and leave me excited to keep writing and moving up in the industry.
What I learned from doing this assignment is: The skill mastery sheet is helpful for improving dialogue! It helped me the most to go back to the engaging banter and anticipatory dialogue lessons in this module.
2. Use the strategy above along with the Skill Mastery Sheet to elevate as many lines as you can.
3. Tell us how many lines you elevated and give us three before-and-after examples.
About 25 lines elevated!
Example 1:
· Alex: Who set the fire?
· Alex: Who destroyed the only thing I’ve ever done right?
Example 2:
· Scarlett: Does this bother you?
· Scarlett: Let me guess – this is below you now.
Example 3:
· Alex: I worked on the Mercedes – I think he’s really going to like it. It wasn’t such a lost cause after all. It just needed some help.
· Alex: The Mercedes is in his hands – it wasn’t a lost cause, it just needed a helping hand.
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WIM2 – Dana Has Amazing Dialogue
My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.
What I learned from doing this assignment?
Using this Skill Master Sheet, I evaluated every line of dialogue in my script. Each time I read and reread the character’s dialogue, I was able to find a better way to express their emotions and motivations.
Never stop improving dialogue!
I updated dialogue on almost every page. I added to the drug dealers monologue to create depth of humor to contrast his violence. I added poetry to my antagonist dialogue to create his philosophy. And I created greater anger in my protagonist to mask her fear.
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SCENE:
KELITA
I – I don’t know. I don’t know…RUTH
Please, Kelita. Please, help me.Kelita takes a step closer to the edge.
UPDATED:
KELITA
No. I – I don’t know…RUTH
I’ll scream.Kelita stops.
RUTH
I don’t want to, but I will. And he’ll come running. He’ll catch you. And he’ll hurt you.Kelita searches for the person Ruth warns against.
RUTH
Kelita, please. I have to get out of here. You have to help me.SCENE:
Griffin paces back and forth, more than nervous, whiskey in hand, rubbing his brow from a headache.
A KNOCK at the door.
GRIFFIN
Come in.Diana enters. She locks the door behind her.
DIANA
Henry. It’s going to be okay.Griffin lowers his voice to a whisper.
GRIFFIN
I’ve been trying to call you all night. Where have you been?UPDATED:
Griffin paces back and forth, more than nervous, whiskey in hand, rubbing his brow from a headache.
A KNOCK at the door.
GRIFFIN
Come in.Diana enters. She locks the door behind her.
DIANA
This is no time to get drunk.Griffin lowers his voice to a whisper.
GRIFFIN
I’ve been trying to call you all night. Where have you been?SCENE:
Ruth begging Kelita for help.
RUTH
I have money. And my husband is a congressman. We can set you up. A new identity. A new city. A new life. You’ll be free. Safe.UPDATED:
RUTH
What did the police promise you? A new life? I can give you that. I have money. And my husband is a congressman. We can set you up. A new identity. A new city. You’ll be safe. Free.0 -
Module 8 Lesson 7 – Read Your Script to Elevate Dialogue
Lisa Long Has Amazing Dialogue!
My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.
What I learned from this assignment is to repeat this process and think about the depth can be added to the dialogue by applying the Mastery Skills.
54 CHANGES MADE:
3 BEFORE AND AFTER EXAMPLES
Scene 12 – MAKE A JOKE
GINNY
What do you want with that old man?
MOLLY
None of your business.
TO:
GINNY
What do you want with that old man?
MOLLY
He’s not any old man. He’s a choreographer!
Scene 32 – METAPHOR
MOLLY
What am I going to do about Ed? Are you going to tell me that it’s my fault he’s mean to me?
JANE
No. I make no excuses for him.
MOLLY
Good.
JANE
But I’ve known him for many years. I know that he is a sensitive man.
MOLLY
Too bad!
TO:
MOLLY
What am I going to do about Ed? Are you going to tell me that it’s my fault he’s mean to me?
JANE
I make no excuses for him.
MOLLY
Good.
JANE
He’s like one of those crabs we serve. So hard on the outside that you have to use a mallet to open it. But once you get inside it’s soft and sweet.
MOLLY
Too bad!
Scene 42 – SILENCE: Person doesn’t answer when they should.
EDGAR
Molly, come down here please!
Molly sadly and slowly comes down the stairs.
EDGAR
Hello, young lady.
MOLLY
Ed, I know you’re mad at me for going to New York when you told me not to…probably furious, but I HAD to do it. I had no choice. This was my lifelong dream. And I did it! I was great!
EDGAR
You didn’t listen to me.
MOLLY
I’m sorry. I worked so hard to get there. Mars pushed me to be great. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. Please don’t be mad at me. I’m sorry!
EDGAR
I told you not to go.
MOLLY
(starting to cry) But maybe I want something else now. All this time I’ve had a one-track mind. Dance, dance, dance. I never thought about you and your fear of losing me like you lost April. I’ve been so selfish. I want to make this work. If I have to give it up, then I will so that I can stay with you. I’ll help you with this place. I’ll be good and do whatever you say. Please talk. Say something!
Ed stands up and goes to Molly. He embraces her.
TO:
EDGAR
Molly, come down here please!
Molly sadly and slowly comes down the stairs.
EDGAR
Hello, young lady.
MOLLY
Ed, I know you’re mad at me for going to New York when you told me not to…probably furious, but I HAD to do it. I had no choice. This was my lifelong dream. And I did it! I was great!
Ed doesn’t say a thing.
MOLLY
I’m sorry. I worked so hard to get there. Mars pushed me to be great. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. Please don’t be mad at me. I’m sorry!
Ed still doesn’t react.
MOLLY
(starting to cry) But maybe I want something else now. All this time I’ve had a one-track mind. Dance, dance, dance. I never thought about you and your fear of losing me like you lost April. I’ve been so selfish. I want to make this work. If I have to give it up, then I will so that I can stay with you. I’ll help you with this place. I’ll be good and do whatever you say. Please talk. Say something!
Ed stands up and goes to Molly. He embraces her.
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WIM<div>
Subject: Joel Stern Has Amazing Dialogue!
Module 8 Lesson 7
My Vision: To write eight screenplays that eventually become Hollywood blockbusters (and to get a speaking line in at least one).
What I Learned From This Assignment: Methods to make each line of dialogue more interesting using several techniques.
Thriller “Death Voice”.
I found 30-40 different lines and I improved them. Still have some pages to go…
WWII hero Jim “Ace” McCarthy is now a young widower just months after returning home, his wife Jane dying from brain cancer. He’s trying to raise his Polio-stricken son Steven while working in the up and coming TV field. Jim’s doing his best, but breakfast isn’t one of his strong points. Additions/changes are in bold.
Steven waits for his breakfast. Jim opens the cupboard.
STEVEN
I miss mommy so much. Is she in Heaven?
Jim’s expression: A stock answer will do for now.
JIM
Yes son, I think she is.
He leans over the sink.
JIM
Tell ‘ya what. If you eat your cereal you can have an extra cupcake tonight for desert.
STEVEN
But I hate Shredded Wheat. It tastes like Brillo. Why can’t I have Rice Krispies?
Jim takes a liquor bottle from the cupboard and pours a shot. He looks at his son and pours it down the drain.
JIM
Because Shredded Wheat will make you big and strong so one day you can pitch like Warren Spahn. Want some army strawberries on it?
He brings Steven his breakfast.
STEVEN
What’s that?
JIM
Prunes.
STEVEN
Yuck! If I eat the Shredded Wheat will I walk again?
(End of Scene)
I added those lines to add a 40s flavor to the dialogue.
In this scene, Jim, now a TV Crime Reporter in his hometown of Las Vegas, learns his TV News Director boss Casey has suddenly been replaced…by a strict German who he swears he ran into during a prisoner march in Europe during the war.
INT. NEWSROOM – DAY
Reporter PHIL, (40) erases a mistake on his copy.
PHIL
You’re in for a big surprise.
Jim stops typing.
INT. CASEY’S OFFICE – MOMENTS LATER
Jim’s outside watching blonde, blue-eyed KARL, (30) berate a reporter. Karl could be a Wehrmacht poster child.
JIM FLASHBACK:
EXT. DIRT ROAD, FRANCE – DAY
Jim helps guard a long line of German POW’s.
One SOLDIER, (30) looks like Karl. Jim pokes him with his rifle. The German gives him a chilling stare.
RETURN TO SCENE:
INT. CASEY’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS
The reporters leave. Jim enters, amazed at the color of the walls — painted red and black — Nazi colors.
Karl stands, hands clasped behind his back:
KARL
(German accent)
Ah, you must be Jim. Please sit.
Karl leans back, studies Jim. Jim sees a PICTURE of the Hindenburg behind Karl.
JIM
What happened to Casey?
KARL
Let’s say — he found greener pastures.
JIM
Say, didn’t we meet before?
Karl gives him a creepy smile. (eliminated “many things are possible).
JIM
During the war, right?
KARL
You will not question my past.
Karl puts on thin framed oval glasses and hands him a paper.
KARL
Today, you will report on a degenerate gambler who shot his young child, then himself.
Jim reads. The address is blurry. He rubs his eyes.
KARL
Is something the matter, Jim?
JIM
That’s my address! Say — what are you trying to pull? (added)
KARL
Ach. They told me you were a very hard worker.
Karl downs a shot of Schnapps.
KARL
Perhaps you need some time off.
JIM
No! I mean, no I’m fine.
Karl steeples his hands.
KARL
(creepy smile)
Are you sure?
JIM
I’m… positive.
KARL
Hmm. Well, then.
Karl stands and sweeps his hand for Jim to leave.
Next scene I changed: “Sal” is a mobster — a voice on the phone. He’s posing as a debt collector who continuously calls Jim and even threatens to kill Steven if Jim’s debt isn’t repaid within ten days…
INT. JIM’S KITCHEN – NIGHT
TV Dinners give off steam on the kitchen table. Steven looks sick of the stuff. Jim pours milk.
STEVEN
Can’t you make meatloaf like mommy?
JIM
Nobody cooked like mommy. She was one helluva chef. Looks like from now on I’ll be Chef Boyardee. (added to show a bit of sadness on Jim’s part as well as a play on words (Chef).
STEVEN
You mean we have to eat this forever?
JIM
It’s better than what I ate in the Army.
RING! Jim grits his teeth.
JIM
(into phone)
McCarthy residence.
SAL (V.O.)
Knock-knock.
Jim turns away from Steven.
JIM
(loud whisper)
Look asshole, me and my kid are about to have dinner and —
SAL (V.O.)
Knock-knock.
JIM
(exhales)
I don’t have five grand right now.
SAL (V.O.)
Knock, knock…
JIM
WHO’S THERE?!
SAL (V.O.)
Why, it’s Sal your friendly debt collector who says ‘ya now got six days. And stop feedin’ your kid that shit. We don’t want him dying before his time right?
CLICK.
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Andrew Boyd’s Elevated dialogue
Vision: For Hitler’s Choirboys to be such a compelling screenplay that Spielberg and Gibson will battle it out to produce their most powerful WW2 drama since Hacksaw Ridge or Schindler’s List.
What I learned from doing this assignment: Doesn’t matter how many times you’ve gone over this, you can always sharpen your dialogue. What helps is to look for specific things on each fresh pass. I elevated some 20 scenes and countless lines. Another helpful assignment.
Three examples:
Context: Henry’s refusal of the call to Nuremberg.
Act 1 p10
Before:
HENRY
Besides, I’m overdue in St Louis. I’ve got a wife whose still mad at me for letting my boys go to war, and madder still at me for chasing out after them.
After:
HENRY
‘Sides, I’m overdue in St Louis. I’ve got a wife whose still mad at me for letting my boys go to war, and madder still at me for hightailing it out after them.
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<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Act 3 p71
Context: Goering is trying to manipulate the chaplain and win him round. He plays on his German extraction.
Before:
GOERING
(Conciliatory)
We may never agree on everything, Herr Pastor, but on this we must: it is the Russians who pose the greatest threat to Western civilisation. The English-speaking peoples and the Germans are the same. Our blood is the same! We must work together before we are all overrun by the Bolsheviks.
(Squeezes his shoulder)
You see? We are back to an understanding.
After:
GOERING
(Conciliatory)
We may never agree on everything, Herr Pastor, but on this we must: it is the Russians who pose the greatest threat to Western civilisation. The English-speaking peoples and the Germans are the same. Our blood is the same! You have German blood! We must work together before we are all overrun by the Bolsheviks.
(Squeezes his shoulder)
You see? We are back to an understanding.
Act 3 p103
Context. Confronting Goering, who cynically asks for communion as a kind of insurance policy – just in case.
Before:
GOERING
This… communion of yours, this bread, this wine that mean so much to you. Tell me more, just in case there is anything in this business of yours.
Henry stares. Caught in a moment of unexpected hope. Then reluctantly shakes his head.
HENRY
I see no regret. No remorse. Not even a glimmer of faith! You deny Christ. You refuse to accept him as your Savior! So how the… How could I possibly commune you?
After:
GOERING
This… communion of yours, this bread, this wine that mean so much to you. Tell me more, just in case there is anything in this… business of yours.
Henry stares. Caught in a moment of unexpected hope. Then reluctantly shakes his head.
HENRY
You think I’m the man from the Prudential, peddling insurance? I see no regret. No remorse. Not even a glimmer of faith! You deny Christ. You refuse to accept him as your Savior! So how the… How could I possibly commune you?
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Marcus has Amazing Dialog!
My Vision: Get my script made into a movie.
This assignment taught me a good way to polish the dialog in my script.
Here’s a couple of examples of improved lines:
CHARLOTTE
You think you can tell? Well, I got you fooled, and everybody else, too. It ain’t love, it’s just sex.
CHARLOTTE
That so? Not skilled enough to take the theater stage, I do my best acting on my back. How I make my living, is all it is.
HANNIBAL
Like he knew this was coming. Was you in on it, too, boss?
JAKE
Hell, no.
HANNIBAL
Like he knew this was coming. Was you in on it, too, boss?
JAKE
Violence ain’t in my nature, Hannibal.
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