Lesson 7: Exchange Feedback on Cycle 1

[Brenda Boddy]

I wasn’t sure if we were just reposting our scripts here. I’m posting feedback on the previous forum link, because if feels like our rewrites gets posted here. Someone correct me if I’m wrong.

—-Brenda Boddy

Also…My dialogue with Kimmie sounds fake and forced. Can someone push me in the right direction, please? I doubt someone would just keep spouting out negative things she’d heard. I thought maybe the information should come from Robert’s wife, who heard it from Robert. Again…suggestions?

• This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  Brenda Boddy.

[Brenda Boddy]

INT. BAR – NIGHT

ROBERT (40’s), t-shirt, greasy hair slicked to cover a bald spot, sits at the bar nursing his drink.

TRENT (40’s), dress shirt and slacks, slides onto a barstool, pulling the seat out to accommodate his paunchy stomach. He carefully smooths first his hair and then his mustache, signaling the BARTENDER.

TRENT

Robert, my man. What’re you doing down here? Slumming?

ROBERT

I live down here.

Robert holds up his beer and tips it at Trent. The bartender stops in front of the men.

TRENT

Lemon drop.

Trent moves closer to Robert, lowering his voice, his eyes darting around the room.

TRENT

The truth is, I’m meeting a girl here. Her suggestion, since she works across the street. Nicest piece of tail I’ve seen in a long time.

ROBERT

Good for you, bud. I don’t seem to have much luck with the female species.

TRENT

It’s all about the approach with a woman. You have to look the part, you know.

(winks)

And it never hurts to embellish yourself a little.

The Bartender puts a drink in front of Trent.

BARTENDER

Seven-fifty.

Trent turns back to Robert.

TRENT

Tell you what, buddy. I’m kind of celebrating tonight. You get our drinks now, and I’ll get everyone’s drinks when my gal gets here. I want you to meet her.

Robert hands some cash to the Bartender.

ROBERT

One round. To help you celebrate.

TRENT

Everything matters when you’re impressing a woman. Look at what you’re drinking. Beer. While I ordered something more elegant. If you want to get a hottie, you need to act like a sophisticated man.

Trent elbows Robert and winks again.

TRENT

Flash some style and cash and you can have whatever woman you want.

Trent smiles knowingly at Robert and completely downs his drink. He carefully dabs his mouth and resmooths his mustache.

Robert sits back in his chair and takes a satisfying gulp of his own beer.

ROBERT

What cash? We both work at McDonalds.

Robert takes another swig and burps.

TRENT

I’m fixing to open my own business. Money is no object for me.–

Trent catches the Bartender’s eye and raises his empty glass.

TRENT

–In fact, I’ll be hiring a few good men. It’ll be nice to quit working for the low life who thinks he owns us right now.

The Bartender sets down the drink.

BARTENDER

Seven-fifty.

Trent searches his pockets, becoming flustered.

TRENT

I must have left my wallet at home.

Robert pays for the drink.

ROBERT

Happy to help out a friend.

He moves his stool closer to Trent’s.

What type of person are you hoping to hire?

The door tinkles open. KIMMIE, (20’s) walks in, greasy hair combed to the side, hook nose, and skinny beyond anything fashionable. She approaches the men.

KIMMIE

Trent. Us d…d…dating isn’t working for me.

Kimmie steps back and chews her lip anxiously. She looks at Robert and then apologetically at Trent.

KIMMIE

I wanted to tell you in p…p…person, instead of ghosting you.

Kimmie twiddles her thumbs nervously, glances at Robert, and then moves closer to his chair.

TRENT

What? I thought this was about getting to know each other better. I wanted to tell you about the new Jag I’m getting.

KIMMIE

I’m s…s…sorry. I’m just not interested.

(to Robert)

Why’re you h…h…here? I thought you didn’t–that you and Trent weren’t–

ROBERT

(overloud)

Of course, we are. Friends. In fact, we’re talking about working together.

KIMMIE

Sorry. I shouldn’t have–

TRENT

(to Robert)

You know Kimmie?

ROBERT

She’s my cousin.

TRENT

You need to tell her what a great guy I am.

(to Kimmie)

You don’t’ want to miss out, Kimmie… babe. I’ve got what it takes to set you up right.

Kimmie glances at Robert, chewing on her lip again. She takes a quick breath and then blurts:

KIMMIE

S…s…someone told me that you’re all blow and no g…g…go.

TRENT

Who…? Robert? You told her that?

Robert jumps up and puts his arm around Kimmie’s shoulders, hugging her into him with a big fake smile.

ROBERT

Kimmie girl. You must be mistaken. I was talking about someone else. Not Trent here.

KIMMIE

I t…t…told you who I was going out with, and you said–

Robert spins Kimmie to face him, holding onto both shoulders.

ROBERT

…you must have misunderstood. Trent here is fixing to open his own business. He’s…

KIMMIE

…You said he was a f…f…fake–

Kimmie trails off as Robert narrows his eyes and shakes his head slightly.

KIMMIE

Sorry. I shouldn’t have–

She looks ready to cry.

KIMMIE

–I’m not very good at this.

Trent steps in and puts his own arm around Kimmie’s shoulders, pulling her away from Robert.

TRENT

Come on, Kimmie. You don’t want to listen to him. I’ve got plenty of women to choose from but I want to be with you. I’m a man who’s going up in the world. You’ll regret it if you leave now.

Trent pulls his barstool over and pushes Kimmie toward it.

Kimmie pulls away, swaps glances with Robert and turns, scurrying from the room.

TRENT

(calling after her)

Kimmie, please…

Trent whirls to Robert, anger thinning his lips.

TRENT

You son of a bitch. She could have been my soulmate. You ruined this for me.

ROBERT

Maybe I did. I’ve watched you go after a dozen women at work. I didn’t want her to get taken in.

Trent smooths his mustache again. His breathe comes quickly, teeth clenched.

TRENT

I oughtta…You better believe I’m not going to hire you for my new business now.

ROBERT

You can’t even pay your bar tab. –I’m going to use the john.

TRENT

We’re not done. Nobody gets to treat me like this.

ROBERT

We’re done. And I don’t need you to hold my hand.

Robert makes his way to the back of the room, leaving Trent to fume.

Trent dabs his mustache carefully with his napkin, looking furtively to either side. No one is paying attention. He puts his napkin in his pocket and follows Robert to the bathroom.

There is a beat of silence and then the sound of a scuffle. Something bangs the inside of the bathroom door.

Several PEOPLE look that way but there is a surge of LAUGHTER from a table near the door and they go back to their drinks.

Robert emerges, looking furtively around the room. Nobody notices. He glances down and sees blood on his knuckles. He carefully pulls his napkin, wipes his knuckles, smooths his mustache, and walks toward the door, stopping just long enough to drink the last of Robert’s beer and steal the tip he left.

0

[Jeremy Cooke]

I like the way Kimmie is more fragile in this version

[Leah Gunderson]

I thought the same thing. Her stutter gives reason to feel her vulnerability and to want Robert to protect her.

[Yannis Zafeiriou]

This is a cool scene! I love the core traits you demonstrated very clearly, the strong characters and your interest techniques. One note, which you know already, is that I would work more on the dialogue to help it become more natural and less “on the nose”. Other than that, it’s come a long way!

[Lynn Vincentnathan]

Good job with character traits, Trent posing as rich to get the girl, poor/needy, gets others to pay his bar tab. It all comes across as quite natural. The characters are very believable and Robert’s gossip comes across as necessary and warranted (to protect Kimmie, but also to have fun taking Trent down for stiffing him with tabs and cheating women).

I was taken out of my suspension of disbelief by them working at McDonalds, but then later thought this would work well if the movie were to establish at the beginning was a comedy. If not a comedy, then some other blue collar job might be more believable, though most pay pretty good, though Trent could be poor and needy from something else, maybe like alimony and child support — that’s only if it is not a comedy.

Kimmie’s stuttering works well and also makes her more unique.

Also, when reading the earlier draft I thought, you know bloodthirsty audiences, they’d like to see the fight. HOWEVER, if it is a comedy, having the fight behind closed doors with bruised and bloody fighters emerging later works better and is funnier.

[Jeremy Cooke]

LESSON 7: QE Cycle #1 Final Rewrite

LOGLINE: Robert and Trent meet and quarrel over their Father’s will.
ESSENCE: Blood only goes so deep but money trumps all.

INT HOTEL TOILET EVENING
Robert is standing by the trough urinating. He is disheveled and half drunk. Trent walks in.

Robert swings round and opens his arms splashing Trent.

ROBERT
Ah Jaysus it’s the man himself! Come here and give me a hug?

Trent jumps back.

TENT
You’re pissing down my leg!

Robert zips himself up. He doesn’t wash his hands.

ROBERT
Sure it’s only Guinness and fairly fresh at that. When did you get here?

Trent stares at Robert for a beat then unzips and stands at the trough.

TRENT
I hired a Beemer in Dublin and drove up. Jesus I’d forgotten about the bloody roads here.

ROBERT
And I told the lads you watch says I! He not be after driving anything less. Did ye make the service?

TRENT
The tail end. I stood at the back with all the other hicks. Jesus they stink of cow shite here. I’d forgotten how much I hate that smell. How much I hated this place.

ROBERT
(laughs)
Well it did me and Dad just fine. It’s a pity you missed the wake. The auld Dad looked very well in his new suit. He would have liked for you to have seen him so smart and well looking. He did ask for you, you know towards the end, when he knew he was going.

TRENT
I did try but

ROBERT
Ah sure that’s what I told Dad. Dad I said sure Trent is a big man in London town now. He’s no time for a wee bitty place like this or the likes of us. And you’re back here now so how’s London treating you? How long are you staying?

TRENT
Oh not so bad. The whole bloody Covid thing hit a lot of people badly.

ROBERT
Did it so? I wouldn’t envy you living in a big place like thon. Well you’re welcome to stay with Masie and myself at the farm. When are you

TRENT
Welcome? What do mean welcome? It’s a much my farm as yours.

ROBERT
Jesus boy. You weren’t there for the reading of the will of course.

TRENT
Reading of the will? So soon. When did this happen?

ROBERT
Well so auld Danny Breen, you remember him? His father had the wee Solictors over in Ballyhack. Well when Dad knew he was going, sure I drove him over there to make a new will and

TRENT
Dad made a new will? Nobody…I had a right to know!

ROBERT
Sure Dad didn’t think you’d any interest in the place. I told him how he wasn’t to worry about you and how well you

ROBERT
I’m the bloody eldest! I had a right to know!

ROBERT
(waves Trent’s objection away)
Well anyway Danny called in for a drink and pay his respects and he said that since all’s here that counts and sure didn’t he read the will there and then.

TRENT
(angry)
He should have bloody waited!

ROBERT
Now calm yerself. Sure didn’t the old boy leave the whole place to me anyway so

TRENT
You fucking what!

ROBERT
Well with you away in London and doing so well for yourself the old boy thought the farm should go to me since I was the one that stayed and worked it with him. He was very pround of

TRENT
You sneaked little shit. What did you say to him?

ROBERT
Sure only with you doing so well for yerself over there and making the money like it’s going out of fashion you’d have no interest in a wee scrap of a farm.

TRENT
You stitched me up!

ROBERT
Sure I was only sharing the good news with him. But he did miss you so…you could have called him now and again you know.

TRENT
I didn’t have time!

ROBERT
He asked after you…could you

TRENT
Fuck that shite! I needed that money, I need that money! You’ll just have to sell it and we’ll split the money. Fairs fair now.

ROBERT
No way! After all the money you told us you were making in London. I was the one

TRENT
I don’t give a fuck what the old bastard thought. I told you I need that money!

ROBERT
Well it’s my farm now and I’ll not be selling a square foot of

TRENT
You bastard.

Trent zips up and punches Robert hard in the mouth.

[Leah Gunderson]

Jeremy, the focused action moves the dialogue quickly.

Not much description is needed because the character traits, interest techniques, and subtext is convey via the action and dialogue.

Great read. Really enjoyed it.

[Susan Silver]

Hi Jeremy,

I’m not sure how else to reach you, but I wonder if you would perhaps be open to a conversation on horror scripts? I had to postpone Creative Mastery (that’s why my comments stopped), but I’m taking the horror class next month. If you’d like to maybe swap completed scripts for some more general feedback, that would be cool. You can reach me at susanjsilver@yahoo.com. Thanks!

Susan

[Alfred Dunham]

(Alfred Dunham) Scene Rewrite – Draft 4, QE6

What I learned is:

This can get complicated, so I wrote bracketed notes to myself but still got confused and ended up writing myself into a dead-end box three times – so I also color-coded my notes. Those, of course, would all be removed in the final draft.

SCENE: TRENT VS. ROBERT

INT. ROBERT’S YACHT – NIGHT

Trent’s alleged luxury yacht, APOGEE, cruises in international waters west of Catalina Island. [Trent: pretends to be wealthy][interesting setting]

GRAND SALON ANTEROOM

Sixteen well-dressed older men, ready for some apparent kinky, high-stakes gambling, cluster together and chat, smoke, and drink.

The room glistens – nothing has been left to chance.[Trent: meticulous]

Beautiful young girls pass out Cuban cigars and pour non-stop champagne – the good stuff.

Trent, forty-ish, enters with an arm around the curvy, high-profile, sex-kitten Miss Sheila Devine.

He stands at the entry to the Grand Salon and motions for silence

TRENT

You know the rules, you know the stakes, and here they are.

Sheila allows Trent’s hands to slide over her silk-covered body in a provocative but unintrusive manner, and the men go wild. [Trent: aggressive]

Sheila smiles like a Cheshire Cat – turns, and raises her eyebrows at Trent.

Trent kisses her neck.

The men hoot, applaud, and salivate in approval. [Trent: needy]

TRENT

Do you like her? Trust me; she’s worth every penny.

Sheila kisses Trent in return, and he becomes even more animated.

TRENT

Play big and loose, and who knows Maybe you, too, can become a star. [Trent: needy]

Robert bursts into the anteroom. [surprise][twist]

His entrance is jarring but appears amicable.

Robert smiles and waves to everyone. [Robert: smooth]

ROBERT

(to Trent)

How come I wasn’t invited? Is my money not good here? [suspense]

(to Sheila – waves)

Hi Sheila.

Sheila’s smile falters – she gives a quick wave back. [hope/fear]

TRENT

You were invited.

ROBERT

No, I wasn’t.

TRENT

You weren’t?

ROBERT

No, I wasn’t. [intrigue]

TRENT

I don’t understand. What else can I say? Welcome.

Trent, however, looks perplexed.

ROBERT

Thank you, Trent. I suspected it was probably an unintentional oversight. So –.

There is a round of applause for Robert as Robert shakes hands. [Robert: gregarious]

During the uproar, Trent places a surreptitious little pat on Sheila’s well-rounded bottom, whispers —

TRENT

Get them inside, quick. [intrigue]

SHEILA

(waves wildly)

Follow me, boys.

Trent points at Robert and moves toward him.

The anteroom empties in seconds, leaving Trent and Robert alone and together.

Robert is still smiling — [Robert: smooth]

TRENT

This is a terrible mistake, Robert.

Robert takes Trent’s outstretched hand and throws his free arm around Trent, laughing and smiling. [mislead]

TRENT

Can we talk about this?

ROBERT

Certainly. Sounds good to me. [mislead]

TRENT

Good. Follow me.

TRENT’S STATEROOM/OFFICE

TRENT

So what have you been up to, Robert??

ROBERT

Not much. [Robert: secretive] [mislead]

Trent offers Robert a chair.

ROBERT

Thanks, but I’d rather stand. I want to get back to the game – to see who wins.

Trent’s smile, like Sheila’s, collapses. [fear/uncer†ainty]

TRENT

I’m afraid I don’t understand.

ROBERT

You wouldn’t. You never do.

What’s that supposed to mean?

ROBERT

Cut the crap, Trent. I’m a businessman. I know what you’ve done. It’s an old trick – it’s called how to fleece the unsuspecting. Do you think I’m that stupid? I resent that. [Robert: low self-esteem].

TRENT

I can explain.

ROBERT

No, you can’t, you horny bastard. The Trent I know doesn’t make mistakes. [Trent: meticulous]

TRENT

Okay. So you know. It’s too late, anyway. Your Shelia and I —

Robert laughs himself double.

ROBERT

Sheila and you –? That’s funny.

TRENT

Hard to believe?

ROBERT

How about impossible? You’ve been played, you twit. [major twist]

TRENT

Sheila? [betrayal]

ROBERT

Who do you think helped me set this up? I’ve been telling those men what you are, for a long time. They all know this is a sham. [Robert: gossip] [betrayal]

TRENT

You’ll regret this.

Trent lands a withering blow to Robert’s face. [character changes] [surprise]

Robert falls to the floor – holds his face in pain.

TRENT

You filthy frauds. I’ll kill both of you.

ROBERT

(smiling)

No, you won’t. You’re a coward, to boot. What kind of needy pig tries to fleece his friends?

Robert has managed to get back up on his feet.

Trent attempts to take another swing at Robert, but Robert ducks and flattens Trent instead.

ROBERT

(under his breath)

I’ve been waiting to do that for a long time. [reveal]

Robert sticks his head out the door and yells —

ROBERT

Sheila?

Sheila comes running with two security men.

GRAND SALON

Security drags Trent’s limp body by the feet into the room.

Robert, bruised and bleeding, follows with Sheila.

Sheila clings to Robert in adoration.

ROBERT

(to the men in the room)

Here’s your evidence. Gossip or truth? It’s sometimes hard to tell the difference. Ask Sheila.

Sixteen well-dressed men applaud.

[Leah Gunderson]

Alfred Gene,

This makes me want to get to know these characters better.

I like the organization that the interest techniques gives to the scene.

[Brenda Boddy]

Hi Alfred,

You’ve done a fantastic job of getting interest techniques in your script.

Really good set-up. Just a quick note. The audience can’t SEE that the cigars and drinks are the ‘good stuff’. Dialogue would have to confirm that. The same goes for Sheila being ‘high profile’. We don’t see her before this scene so later at the reference of ‘you, too, can become a star’ feels awkward. Is Sheila the star? Or is Trent the star for putting this game together? However, you’ve done a great job of showing us what is happening in the scene, so neither of these references would affect the scene or would matter if they were left out.

When Robert bursts into the room wondering why he didn’t get invited…you’re on a yacht. How would he not know what’s going on? Could he be on a cruise liner? Or a special room somewhere? Or Trent’s house? I like the yacht, but it may be more effective if it’s played out somewhere bigger.

“Robert takes Trent’s outstretched hand…” This sentence feels like Robert should say something. Even something simple like, “Don’t worry about it”.

Trent wants to ‘talk about it’ and takes Robert to his stateroom. Then he asks him what he’s up to as though he completely forgot they were going to ‘talk about it’. At this point, Robert already knows there is a poker game going down. Trent is smoothing things over, trying not to let Robert know he’s going to fleece the group. So, his dialogue would probably be about keeping Robert in the room, and away from the game. For example: I’m really sorry about that. I thought you just didn’t respond to my invitation. There’s not enough room at the table now. Why don’t you let me pour you a drink?

You had some great surprises and reveals. The ending was interesting and obviously Robert and Sheila were quite devious. Good job.

[Alfred Dunham]

Yeah, Brenda, you make a lot of great points. This, however, was only one scene from a presumptive script of 40-60 scenes. I actually started with an EXT. ROBERT’S PRIVATE YACHT – NIGHT scene that showed him boarding Trent’s presumptive yacht, but realized that’s two scenes. So I axed it. But unless I did a close-up of a champagne bottle, you’re right. Who would know (and even then, for most of us, still, who’d know – does Schramsburg mean anything to you)? Ditto for the Cuban cigars. Someone would have to carry that information into some dialogue somewhere. Tricky stuff, this writing! Thanks.

[Yannis Zafeiriou]

Good scene Alfred! Lots of techniques used to elevate the interest! Some of your choices for intrigue seem like “Suspense” to me, but that’s not really a huge issue.

But that’s the problem with including these terms in your final scene: They can be a little too distracting to me, and keep reminding me that this is an exercise. Yes, I realize the absurdity of this statement considering we’re all participating in this exercise, but whenever *I* read a script, I really want the story and the dialogue to carry me forward, and not to be reminded that this is a screenwriting document (it’s the same reason I don’t like it when people use camera or editing directions in their screenplay). I know we are all in a class though, so it is to be expected that we’re all trying different things.

But perhaps it might be useful to post your scene clean, and then maybe underneath it, reply/repost it with all those techniques highlighted, so we can choose to look into it as a learning tool. Just an idea. Feel free to ignore it and do whatever works best for you though!

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham: to anyone who would like to exchange critiques….

[Leah Gunderson]

Alfred Gene,

I’d be more than glad to exchange more detailed critiques.

I’ll go back to your posting and work through the processes we are learning. I’ll be comparing what presents in your posting with what presents in the process.

So, just a one-to-one comparison.

Hopefully, this may bring to the surface what is working really well for you and what else you might consider to make it even better!

[Leah Gunderson]

Alfred Gene,

You have great development with the Interest Techniques. You have created the story arc for the scene. Great work! Here are a few recommendations:

1. Getting to the Essence: I am curious to learn how you would articulate the essence of this scene:

• Men protect women
• Crime doesn’t pay
• Love rescues

2. Character Relationships: I look forward to seeing and hearing (not being told) more about these characters and witnessing their relationships with each other in terms of their traits and subtexts. For example, don’t tell me Trent is a coward, have Trent do something at the beginning to show me.

I believe that if you step back a little and really gain clarity on the essence that the process will be less complicated. You’ll feel it. See it. This will do the heavy lifting for you to let the characters show us who they are and how they relate to each other in ways that propel them to move through the story arc all the way to evil Trent’s arrest.

3. Story Structure and Genre: In some ways, right now you have Trent directing the 16 men and then you have Robert directing Trent. These are two halves of the story arc with Sheila at the midpoint. You’ve sorted out your story arc.

This is great because what you are setting up is power struggles with the winner being whoever gets Sheila. Trent is all powerful in the first half. Robert gets the power in the second half. You have the structure. Now show these power struggles through the dialogue and actions of all your characters. Show how Trent’s imposition of power is different from Robert’s presentation of power. Fabulous for an action genre! (It makes me think of scenes from James Bond.)

So, work within the context of an action genre. Populate your story arc with conventions required by the action genre along with the interest techniques. And show the extreme traits of your characters that force them to be at each other’s throats because of power struggles with poor Sheila always being put into jeopardy! And through that action and dialogue convince me of who is the villain, hero, and love interest because of what I experience in the scene.

Go for it!

• This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  Leah Gunderson.

[Leah Gunderson]

Leah Max Interest Part 2 – Feedback on Cycle 1

Logline: Celebration becomes an ass-kicking.
Essence: Trent thrives on manipulating others for monetary gain; it’s payback time.
Interest Techniques: (I tried to use most of them, but not really sure if I actually convey them skillfully.)

Back Room Scene [suspense]: In a dimly lit room, Robert, presses his ear against the door. His forehead breaks out in a sweat as he hears the mingle of celebratory music and happy voices. When the happy birthday song begins, his face turns ashen. When the song ends, his breath shortens. His eyes widen with fear when he hears one voice, Trent, thanking his guest. A woman’s well manicured hand cocks a gun, holds it at her side, but places her other hand on the back of Robert’s neck. It is Lydia, Trent’s wife. She whispers into Robert’s ear. [low self-esteem]

LYDIA [uncertainty/hope]: Do what Trent said . . . perform.

Robert continues listening through the door.

TRENT [intrigue]: Thank you. Everyone. Thanks. All of you. When I was young, I dreamed of giving to friends and family . . . never knew I’d be able to give so much. Yes, this is my birthday, but the surprise is how much I love each of you. Each of you have only added to my life. Humbly, your happiness is my joy. [He pretends he is wealthy to get people to do the things he wants – at their expense.]

Robert gives Lydia a nod. He quickly wipes his face and switches to a well practiced smile as he swings open the door. Robert steps his left foot through the doorway keeping his right foot concealed behind the wall by casually leaning in the doorway. [smooth]

ROBERT [surprise]: True! Everyone adds to his life! A kindness, a friendship . . . cash.

The birthday crowd chuckles along. Trent discretely locks eyes with Robert who seems to be relaxing into an amused attitude. [gregarious]

ROBERT: Feels like a natural dynamic tonight. Doesn’t it? He invites. We give.

Birthday crowd laughs aloud. Robert casually winks at Trent. [smooth]

ROBERT: But what are birthdays if not for payback? Mrs. Anderson, is this picture frame really department store or is it thrift store?

Robert is amused as shame creeps over Mrs. Anderson’s face as the crowd chortles.

ROBERT: Ah, my gift. A tie re-gifted from me after John re-gifted from Sean who re-gifted it from Susie. Hold on! Susie’s giving Sean ties? Now that’s a birthday surprise for any husband. Right, Norm.

As Robert points from the tie to John to Sean to Susie and to Susie’s husband, Norm, he is genuinely entertained to watch Susie and Norm exchange anxious glances under the pressure of all eyes on them.

NORM: Apparently I’m no tie picker. No one wants it!

Norm and Susie nervously laugh along with the crowd as if it is only a joke. [Robert loves creating gossip about other people and watching it take them down.]

ROBERT: Except Trent!

Crowd redirects laughter from the defaced couple to Trent who fake laughs with the rest as his jaw becomes clinched. [Robert is exposing Trent’s gifts to be cheap leftovers]

ROBERT: But enough friendly roasting. You’re the man of the hour. Hears to your happiness. Hears to true friendship.

TRENT [intrigue]: Wonderful surprise you are! Excuse me for a moment.

The room joins in with cheers and resumes festivities as Trent happily makes his way towards Robert. The door closes. Trent locks it. The chain secured from a post to Robert’s right ankle drags across the floor as he returns to the only chair in the room that is placed against the wall beneath a large decorative mirror.

TRENT [major twist]: Good show. Everyone saw him. [conspiring]

Trent grabs the gun and brushes past his wife who retreats to the corner.

ROBERT [uncertainty/hope]: I did what you asked. But then everyone does, don’t they? . . . You have a way out.

TRENT [uncertainly/fear]: No, you have a way out because you are my way in. [aggressive]

ROBERT [uncertainty/hope]: Buddy. I’m on your side. We’re friends. We’ve always been friends. Always. You don’t have to do this. [smooth]

Trent’s fists tighten and his face turns red. He leans pointing the gun into Robert’s face and hissing in a low whisper.

TRENT [character changes radically]: Not enough! Friends give! You’re gonna give! [aggressive]

Trent meticulously wipes the gun clean and places it in his suit pocket. He takes zips ties from his pant pocket and secures Robert’s ankles to the front legs of the chair. Lydia removes the shackle from Robert’s ankle and the chain from around the post. She coils the chain in the corner. With a superior look, Trent pulls a pouch from his other suit pocket and drizzles a black powder in a circle on the floor around the chair. Robert watches intensely as the circle is fully completed. [meticulous]

ROBERT [suspense]: I hope you get want you want. What you deserve. If it all works out. [secretive]

Lydia and Robert exchange a clandestine glance before Lydia leaves the room. The door is locked. Trent takes a moment. Admiring his image in the mirror, he checks his hair and mustache. He straightens his expensive suit.

TRENT [suspense]: Oh, it will. And you’re gonna love the view. [conspiring]

ROBERT [suspense]: I only told you to warn you. To keep you safe. Keep you free. That’s all. No one should do this. [secretive]

Trent pulls a box from the corner and evenly places candles into the black powder. Excitedly, Trent lights the candles. Sitting on the floor outside the circle, Trent smiles menacingly up into Robert’s face. Robert is motionless. Trent strikes a match.

TRENT [betrayal]: What’s yours is now mine.

Trent ignites the black powder that begins burning its way around the circle counter-clockwise. A muffled screeching is heard as a black mist bulges from the mirror and descends as a thick fog to fill the room – everywhere except inside the circle where Robert is seated.

ROBERT [betrayal]: I am so sorry. [smooth]

The dark entities press Trent onto his back. Trent opens his mouth in terror, but not sound escapes. The black mist pours into Trent’s mouth and his body begins to rise from the floor. Trent’s body violently slams into the ceiling and then instantly dropped halfway down. Suspended in mid-air, Trent is bait for demons that now attack. Bones crack. Blood gushes from Trent’s eyes, mouth, nose, and ears. Robert averts his eyes and a smile of duper’s delight begins in the corners of his mouth. Robert watches the fire complete the circle and extinguish itself. No trace of the black powder remains. The room is silenced with Trent’s broken body still suspended above the floor. The only sound is Trent’s quiet, ragged breath.

ROBERT [surprise]: Release me!

The zip ties break. Robert calmly walks over to Trent.

ROBERT [major twist]: I now possess you. Body, soul, and all you took from me! [smooth, secretive]

Robert breaths in deeply. The dark midst wraps around Trent like a cloak of darkness and then flows into Robert’s mouth. Robert likes it. Trent’s body becomes ash that falls to the floor as his life’s essence is consumed. With a deeply satisfied swallow, Robert raises his hand and stirs the air above the ashes. The ash rises into a miniature cyclone. When all the ash is gathered, Robert flings it into the mirror. It is followed by the dark midst of demons that race back into the mirror after it.

The mirror ices over. Robert struts over in front of the mirror as the mirror quickly defrosts from top to bottom. Instead of Robert’s reflection, battered and bruised Trent is looking out of the mirror in terror. Robert postures in mock apology.

ROBERT [surprise]: I am so sorry that you get what you intended for me. [secretive]

Robert places his hand on the center of the mirror. His body transforms into the perfect image of Trent. Robert winks and smiles at Trent who stares back in disbelief.

ROBERT [intrigue]: You’re gonna love the view. [smooth]

Robert takes a key from his pant pocket. He unlocks the door and leaves the back room to rejoin the birthday party. The door closes and is locked from the outside. Trent inside the mirror pounds his fist on the inside of the mirror in unbridled rage.

Hours later, party sounds diminish. All is quiet. The back door connecting the back room to the alley opens and an expensive car is seen with the trunk open. Robert, looking like Trent enters the room with a dark sheet. Robert places his hand in the center of the mirror and transforms back into the image of Robert. He is followed by Lydia.

ROBERT [uncertainty/fear]: How’d I do? [low self-esteem]

LYDIA [mislead/reveal]: Wonderfully.

Trent is stunned, but observant. Robert covers the mirror with the sheet and takes the mirror from off the wall while Lydia returns the candles to the box along with the chain and zip ties leaving no evidence in the room. They carry the mirror and box to the trunk of the car. They close the trunk. They close the back door. The back door is locked. All that remains in the room is the chair.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  Leah Gunderson.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  Leah Gunderson.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  Leah Gunderson.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  Leah Gunderson.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  Leah Gunderson.

[Alfred Dunham]

First of all, I liked the way you organized your assignment right from the beginning: Logline, Essence, Interest Techniques. I failed to do that, so kudos to you. I LIKE organization. A Slugline would have been helpful, too. I see you also bracketed your IT’s. I got so lost!!! I’m sure this gets easier, but this was a mind-bender for me. I write on a black screen in Final Draft and use a lot of color coding, so writing black on white exposes my crutch and throws me for a loop.

I think the BACK ROOM scene is, in fact, a separate act and should have it’s own Slugline, etc., but that’s probably not important to this assignment. On the other hand, you could separate these two different focal points by using ALL CAPS to define those focal points, like MAIN ROOM and BACK ROOM (similar to LATER).

It appears that, “Do what he said,” is the first line of Dialogue in the assignment scene. But I don’t know who HE is. (that does get explained, but here, I found it confusing). Lydia’s doing the talking, and she’s got the gun, so I’m not sure why she’s uncertain or hopeful. Something from a previous scene? Instead of HE maybe you could just say, TRENT.

Hal seems to think that at least one long dialogue (so the actor can show off their skills) is a good thing, but most of what I’ve read seems to prefer no more than 2-3 lines of dialogue at a time, especially up front. But we don’t exactly know where this scene is, so this is just a general caveat. Another caveat: only one exclamation mark per script. I find this rule of thumb aggravating at times, but I try to live with it.

I like your storyline, but one more caveat. Two years ago, I wrote a script called STONES OF FIRE. I had just gotten out of rehab for a stroke, and my left hand was useless. I used the script to teach myself how to type again. I got the idea for the story from the Russian myth of the Firebird. I won’t bother you with details, but I got rapped very hard by Scriptapalooza’s Coverage service for using the bird-like Aliens in the story to help the Protagonist realize his goal. They thought it was a cheap shot that took away from the Protagonist’s character and brilliance. I understand how devastating that kind of critique can be, but Hal is right, and so were they. It got a quarterfinalist finish, but that’s no cigar when you’re going for production. I still haven’t rewritten it yet. This course is FULL of goodies. It’s opened my mind to new possibilities. Magic is fun, but if we use it to get us out of the corner we’ve painted ourselves into, it becomes a worn-out cliché. Sometimes even SHOWING isn’t enough. Just make sure your magic is thoroughly germane to the story. If you want more on this, you can post me at alfreddunham@aol.com. It’s a mistake I made, and am willing to share.

[Jeremy Cooke]

Love it: “ROBERT [intrigue]: You’re gonna love the view. [smooth]”

Maybe a few more Bells ‘n Smells but the Director will sort that out.

[Leah Gunderson]

I really appreciate the feedback. I’ve never written a horror story with demonic possession. So, this genre is all new to me. I think this is too stiff and lacks overall mystery. As Alfred points out, I haven’t really decided on the setting. . . either way, it is fun to work with.

[Anna Burroughs-Merrill]

Well that’s a good creepy scene!

I was a bit confused as to how the magical system worked. You wove in the traits and the techniques, and its obvious at the end that Lydia whispered something at the beginning which betrayed her husband, but that “something” doesn’t appear to be mechanically represented in the events.

• Robert was inside the circle.
• Trent invoked it.
• The demons appeared OUTSIDE the circle and took Trent (usually demons are summoned inside the circle).
• What did Robert do (that Lydia told him to do) which reversed the casting circle?
• Without that “something,” Robert doesn’t have “agency” to turn the tide.
• Robert doing that “something” should stand out to the audience, as they would have secret knowledge that Trent does not until it is too late. In horror we call that the “don’t open the door, stupid” moment.

[Leah Gunderson]

Oh, that’s good!!

I actually ended up with this genre because I was sick as hell and so I thought I’d put one of the characters in a kind of hell. LOL. I really don’t know much about writing horror.

I really appreciate all the suggestions from you, Jeremy, and Alfred.

Robert has the low self-esteem and so that is why I brought in Lydia so that she could give encouragement ( . . . but maybe she is really manipulation . . . ) and validation ( . . . but maybe her confirmation is really making Robert the scapegoat).

So I couldn’t really decide if Robert’s low self-esteem is a way of really hiding his dark-side power and maybe making another person culpable, a corroborator, or corrupt. Or is Lydia more powerful?

I think your right that is has to be Robert who demonstrates the “something” that would make the audience fear on Trent’s behalf. And I think I need the “something” that will make them fear on Robert’s behalf. Everyone’s chain needs to be yanked. . . Oh, it’s the CHAIN!!!! I can turn that into something.

[Anna Burroughs-Merrill]

I write sci-fantasy, with a splash of horror (because why have fantasy unless you can have monsters ‘nomming on helpless humans, nom-nom-nom), so building magical systems and worlds is kind of my specialty. Now all the stuff that we’re supposed to be LEARNING right now … not so much 🙂 I’m just here to struggle and learn. But your “creep” level was deliciously disturbing.

[Leah Gunderson]

LOL. I did go easy on the blood. I thought of having vain Trent’s face scarred from being drug along the ceiling. This way it would be vexing to Trent the Scarred to have to look at Robert transform into Trent’s image san scars.

Then I thought of a Mel Brook’s comment that if your going to do Dracula you just needs tons and tons of blood. LOL

These aren’t vampires, but now I wonder how Robert is going to keep his demonic energies up.

Maybe I could go with what we see on the surface and expect (like an open flame, obvious power) but move it to the concealed burn (like a hot coal, hidden power), but then really ramp it up to some exertion or crisis that sparks a new capacity of evil (like a flint stone, elicited power that is the real core of this bad guy). And do this with Robert still suffering from low self-esteem, an ever burning weakness!!!!

[Yannis Zafeiriou]

Leah I love horror and I love your scene. Great character traits and multiple techniques used here! Great job! I have a couple of minor minor points for you, as suggestions. One is the same thing I said to Alfred above about me finding the techniques listed in the screenplay as distracting. You might want to post the scene clean, and then underneath it, reply/post it again with all the techniques included, so that we can look at it as a learning tool. But just like I said to Alfred, that’s just my taste, so feel free to ignore me! 🙂

The other minor detail I’d like you to consider (based on my extended working relationship with actors) is the amount of “direction” you give to your characters in your action descriptions. Take for example this little excerpt:

“His forehead breaks out in a sweat as he hears the mingle of celebratory music and happy voices. When the happy birthday song begins, his face turns ashen. When the song ends, his breath shortens. His eyes widen with fear…”

I understand we all need to convey various details in our scenes, but in the future, when an actor reads this description, they’re very likely to be turned off by how much physical detail they see on the page. Actors, like all artists, like to contribute their creativity, and their character decisions. When they read something like this, they feel like they’re treated like puppets, if you know what I mean, because someone is dictating their every move, even the way they breathe. So unless the physical action you are describing is absolutely necessary for the plot to move forward in that particular way (e.g. you really need him to put his ear on the door a certain way), I’d try to limit the amount of detail, especially when you’re describing complicated emotions. The way one actor might interpret “trepidation” might be very different and in fact much more inventive that you had envisioned and put on the page. So why deprive yourself of what creative input the actor can bring to it and *limit* them to “widen their eyes with fear”? Know what I mean? Just something to think about 🙂

[Lynn Vincentnathan]

Lynn’s Fight Scene, 3rd Draft UNDER CONSTRUCTION

Just saw some comments & am forging ahead with my 4th draft now….

[Yannis Zafeiriou]

Would love to exchange a more detailed critique with someone here. Let me know, if interested 🙂

Yanni Writes a Scene Using 9 Max Interest Techniques – 2nd Draft. Punching up some dialogue and tweaking various action descriptions after lesson videos and notes from fellow writers:

—

EXT. SMALL RESIDENTIAL PARKING LOT – DAY

TRENT (early 40s) slams the door of his shiny, black SUV, which causes the front hubcap to fall off. Godammit.

He grabs a wrench from the trunk, and tries to screws it back on. It doesn’t work. He carefully places the wrench and hubcap into his trunk and checks his face and tie in the mirror.

Then he opens the door of a tall privacy fence, and the sounds of a raucous party get louder.

EXT. BOUGIE PRESCHOOL YARD – DAY

The party is mixed. Exhausted adults try to chat peacefully, as preschoolers on a sugar rush run laps around them.

Trent shuts the door and waves hello to a few of the parents he recognizes. He gets a couple of hugs from a little girl and a peck from KATE (late 30s).

KATE You’re late.

TRENT The meeting ran long, baby. You know it’s crunch time right now. You hate me?

Kate playfully turns away.

TRENT Do ya? Do you hate me? Cause you know I worship you. Honey?

Kate relents.

KATE Just get me a drink, dingus.

He scans the yard and his eyes land at the far end of the yard, on an adult covered in water colour paint, who pretends he is Godzilla for a bunch of screaming 5 year olds. This is ROBERT (30s). Trent pecks Kate and menacingly walks towards Robert.

As Robert growls and knocks over some kids’ magnatile skyscraper, he locks eyes with a fast-approaching Trent.

ROBERT Oh poop.

The preschoolers giggle and attack “Godzilla” with their “bombs”, pretending they’re little planes themselves. Robert growls, and now “mortally wounded” makes for the kitchen. He looks back to make sure no kids or anybody else follows him.

INT. KITCHEN – DAY

All alone, Robert pours himself some water from the cooler, and tries to stable his breath. He clocks the paint on him.

Trent enters and Robert gestures to him to shut the door.

ROBERT Anyone see you?

Trent shuts the door and all the party sounds out behind him.

TRENT What’s with the fucking games?

ROBERT You know why. We have to be careful. I cannot be seen with you.

Trent laughs.

TRENT I’m at your fucking party. I mean, you literally invited me here.

ROBERT Yeah cause you’re a parent, a husband. Not as a-

TRENT I don’t have time for your bullshit right now. Are we doing this or not?

Trent takes a step towards him. Robert looks around worried.

ROBERT I’m not… I was thinking, maybe we should talk about this some more.

TRENT What’s there to discuss? You either want this, or you don’t. So for the last time, do you want this?

He seems agitated.

ROBERT I thought I did… This is all so new to me.

Trent softens a little. He takes another step forward.

TRENT I’ll take care of you.

Robert carefully weighs his next words.

ROBERT Yeah maybe. But then, what happens when…

TRENT When what?

Robert hesitates.

ROBERT What if I fuck it all up?

TRENT You won’t. You’ll be just fine.

ROBERT It just doesn’t feel right. Like, I’m shooting myself in the foot.

TRENT You can still join the guild. One day soon. Once this is all past us.

ROBERT But if I give you this script, then I’m scabbing. And they won’t ever let me in. Not after that.

Trent ups the charm.

TRENT Who’s gonna know? I won’t tell, if you don’t.

He smiles.

ROBERT How so? They will find out. Eventually. No? And they will never let me in. Not if I cross the picket line. You know that.

TRENT Look. These deals take time. Nobody needs to know when you gave this to me. We have no paper trail, I took care of it.

ROBERT I have not given this to you.

TRENT Exactly. Or maybe you did. Six weeks ago? A year ago. Who cares? They don’t need to know. Right?

Robert tries to walk towards the door.

ROBERT I don’t know. I need more time.

Trent grabs his hand.

TRENT Robert. There is no time. These fuckers are shutting down everything. Left and right. They’re gonna fuck themselves in the ass. We own them, and they know it. Without our cash, all they have is just words on a page. That’s worthless. They’re worthless.

Robert yanks his hand away from Trent’s grasp. Furious.

Trent clocks this. He tries again.

TRENT But you’re not. Listen. You’re sitting on a billion dollar idea. It’s genius. You’re a genius. And all you have to do is give it to me. My boss is creaming his pants right now. Waiting for me as we speak. He plans to reward you. Handsomely.

Trent vaguely gestures at Robert’s outfit.

TRENT Do you really wanna be a preschool teacher all your life?

ROBERT I’m also an actor. I’m a fucking SAG actor, Trent, a union man. And I could be in the WGA too, someday. I don’t wanna fuck my future before it even starts.

Trent nods in agreement.

TRENT You’re an amazing actor. And a truly awesome writer. You want to showrun your own vehicle–you gotta get your foot in the door somehow. You don’t belong in a fucking preschool, dealing with rich, psychotic parents like these people.

Trent gestures to the back yard.

Robert finds this extra amusing.

ROBERT You’re a rich, psychotic parent. Your child is a fucking nightmare, and you didn’t even come to the meeting we set up with Kate.

Trent wants to try yet another approach.

TRENT Yeah I’m too fucking important to be dealing with all that shit right now. You don’t understand the pressure I’m under. You think Kate’s gonna go and make those deals while I’m at Becky’s preschool, playing cooking class?

Robert wants to protest, but Trent is fast.

TRENT Do you want to be stuck here playing cooking class with a bunch of toddlers all day long? Do you like making minimum wage instead of getting paid millions for your genius ideas?

ROBERT I make 17 dollars an hour. Plus benefits.

He knows he’s defeated. And Trent knows he’s won.

TRENT Come on Bobby. Let’s just do this. Let’s make you fucking rich. And I’ll make sure nobody finds out until the strike is over. We’ll pretend you just gave me the script then. What do you say? Come on bud.

Robert relents and walks down the corridor. Trent follows.

INT. SENSORY GYM – DAY

Trent enters the room and behind him, Robert locks the door. He turns to a group of 25-30 preschoolers with rubber wrenches. Eyes locked on Robert, their utter silence is eerie.

ROBERT Hey friends! Remember when Gwyneth Poultry died because she choked on a cigarette butt that someone left near her coop?

Robert lamely points his thumb at Trent. Preschoolers fix their gaze on Trent.

TRENT What the fuck? I don’t even smoke!

The kids recoil at the “F” word. Trent knows he fucked up.

ROBERT Remember what we practiced? 1, 2, 3, go for the knee!

The children attack Trent with the viciousness of a thousand tiny Mongol armies.

Trent tries his best to dodge the hits, but they are way too many, and he is but one.

The hits force him to curl up on the floor, and as the vicious little psychopaths have at him with no mercy, he looks up at Robert.

ROBERT You think chatGPT can write this?

Trent screams. But the children’s screams are louder.

Robert smiles and dances around like the preschool teacher version of Pennywise. Fuck the studios.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  Yannis Zafeiriou.

[Anna Burroughs-Merrill]

I believe I detected little tweaks that wove in a bit more of both character’s “neediness.” I noticed it before, when they first go into the kitchen, but now there’s almost a misdirection that they are hooking up for something a little more intimate than the screenwriting deal, which was a surprise the first time, but now its even more pronounced.

As a parent of three “IT” loving teenagers, I absolutely love your closing line:

“Robert smiles and dances around like the preschool teacher version of Pennywise. Fuck the studios.”

Oh, well … no useful feedback. I am learning this myself.

[Yannis Zafeiriou]

Thank you so much! There is a lot of usefulness in getting credit for implementing changes, especially after I spend so much time hoping someone will actually notice them hahahaha! So I really appreciate it 🙂

[Alfred Dunham]

Hi, Yann,

A small residential parking lot?! THAT caught my eye right off! That is so unexpected it’s your more interesting site. Sometimes going small is really going BIG. The only thing I see up-front is that it’s a separate scene. No biggie. I did the same thing, axed it, and got critiqued for getting rid of some of my useful lead-in information. Such is writing. LOL I’m glad you left it in.

The dialogue really pulls me through the script – keeps me wondering what’s happening. In your previous version, I got lost. Here, I don’t.

Apparently, Trent is also Bobby? Hypothetically, I will assume you defined this in a previous, introductory scene. One way to handle this is to use TRENT/BOBBY in the Sluglines, but that’s only a suggestion. [see Trottier’s, The Scriptwriter’s Bible]

Without actually counting, you seem to have all the interest techniques in there: surprise, suspense, [I’m sorry, I’m rushing – I have a hospital appointment], etc. So, kudos. That’s tough to do.

One delicate thing to discuss. Old movies drive me nuts with all the smoking scenes and everything associated with them – sexy light-ups, blowing nasty smoke in each other’s face, studying and playing with a ciggie, etc. They stick out like sore thumbs, now, to cliched writing. And that’s one of the things we’re supposed to be watching out for.

In this current age, we sometimes miss the modern cliches. I’m a doctor; I spent most of my career in a mental hospital where I saw and heard everything. I can’t even describe some of it here. So, I’m not a prude. In fact, I find the following story hilarious.

A child who has barely learned to talk, looking out the window –

“Look! It’s a fucking goat.”

Mother –

“No, it’s just a goat.”

Child –

“No, it’s a FUCKING, goat.”

Which brings us back to being careful what we say around kids. I always worry about using strong language and mostly try to say it in other ways or with actions. Just be aware that gratuitous sex and language CAN be a cliché and a turn-off. Use it wisely. They’re sort of like -ly words (I try to restrict them to “wryly’s,”), he said, wryly.

Your rewrite is much improved. Good work. I just had to squeeze this in.

[Yannis Zafeiriou]

Hey Alfred! Thank you so much for taking the time to write this critique! I really appreciate it! I did struggle with the opening mini-scene, but I felt it was the right start to convey location and a crucial bit of characterization for Trent. I went back and forth about keeping it, and eventually decided that, yeah, it’s OK we’re in a learning environment, it’s not the end of the world if I keep it 🙂

Trent is not Bobby. Maybe the formatting makes it weird? I used it as a nickname Trent uses when he addresses Robert in one instance, in his seduction efforts. Hope that makes sense!

And finally, I totally agree with the avoiding of modern cliches like you said. In fact, usually the best advice preschool teachers give around bad words is to ignore them completely when a kid says them, because they tend to laser focus on them if we react to them as being something “bad”, and then they use it intentionally and repeatedly. Either way, I wanted to make it a part of both Trent’s core trait (he’s aggressive) and also have Robert know that he has a tendency to say these words AND that he has taught his preschoolers to overreact to hearing it. Almost like he’s programmed them into tiny “Manchurian candidates”, and it’s their trigger word to turn them all into little assassins 🙂 After an awesome comment from a fellow writer in this group, I also set up this behaviour earlier in the scene when Robert says “poop” and the preschoolers all attack him! So, I felt it was a good way to make that word be the main thing that triggers the avalanche of the tiny rubber wrenches, as a punishment for Trent’s potty mouth!😊

[Brenda Boddy]

Just wanted to mention that I thought this was really clever and fun.

[Yannis Zafeiriou]

Hey Brenda! Yayyyyy! That makes me very happy to hear! Thank you so much 😍

[David Penn]

This a terrific scene, chocked with drama/tension and utilizing all the characters’ traits… honestly, the only ‘note’ I have- and it’s a mere suggestion- is an opportunity to show Trent’s meticulousness and his alleged wealth the first time we see him. Perhaps he drives a Ferrari and we see from the keys it’s a rental from a film set (shows he’s in Hollywood and the car’s not his). Then sees a smudge on the hood and wipes it off while admiring himself in the reflection.

[Yannis Zafeiriou]

David thank you for all the kind words! It’s great to hear you feel that way. And yeah, wow, what a great idea of how I could improve that scene tenfold! Now why didn’t I think of that?!?! 😂

[Leah Gunderson]

Yanni,

This is great! I like that the emotional range creates the ups and downs of the scene’s conflict that suggest a bigger conflict is going on.

I used to work at an Autism center that has sensory rooms. Very clever to flip such a happy space into a Pennywise kicks ass room. And it would be terrifying to get one’s ass kicked with blinking lights of all colors blinding your eyes and balancing pods putting you off kilter while tripping over large, oddly shaped foam pieces only to be beaten with rubber wrenches and to have this happen all the while with short, re-looping kiddie music tracks blaring in your ears!

Oh, don’t fences have gates? Door is to house as gate is to fence?

• This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  Leah Gunderson.

[Yannis Zafeiriou]

Leah thank you so much for the compliments! As far as gates and doors, honestly I have no idea! English is my second language and sometimes, I get thrown off by all these mundane little tidbits of information that native speakers take for granted hahaha So… you definitely know best! I’ll keep it in mind for the future 🙂

[David Penn]

EXT. YACHT, LAKE MEAD, NEVADA — NIGHT

The enormous boat’s docked in a cove; craggy mountains stretch behind it, providing a postcard setting. The yacht’s packed with frat boys and sorority girls, livin’ la vida loca. An overworked, underappreciated bartender feverishly pours drinks.

Seated in chairs on the deck, TRENT and ROBERT competitively flirt with a beautiful BLONDE, sporting a sexy summer dress. Trent dons a $5,000 designer suit, flaunting his (alleged) wealth. All three swig cocktails, adding to their debauched state of drunkenness.

BLONDE: God, can’t believe it’s only six weeks away. I’m literally having panic attacks… so what’s the g-p after walkin’ the proverbial plank?

TRENT. Business school. Then, ya know, Master of the Universe. First mil by 30, bil by 40.

Picks lint off his suit jacket as Robert sips his rum & coke.

BLONDE: Enterprising. Bachelor numero dos?

ROBERT: What, like a profession? (the girl nods) Oh, only the most important job in the world…

Trent snorts loudly. The others gawk at him. Trent sips his drink.

BLONDE: Care to elaborate, B-2?

ROBERT: Let’s just say I’m more about leaving a mark than, ya know, carbon footprints (Trent rolls his eyes). I think it’s all about giving back. Ya know? What you contribute to society.

BLONDE: Hmm. Impressive.

TRENT: Nah, fuck that. Know what’s impressive? Flyin’ to Ibiza in your Lear jet for the weekend- just because you can.

BLONDE: Well, damn. Wouldn’t turn that down.

Trent smirks at Robert, gaining the upper hand. Robert slouches his head.

ROBERT: Yeah, who am I kidding? All my idealism? Hmph. Prob’ly be out on the street, begging for change… but I’ll have really cool signs, though- like, super creative. You’d cough up money, believe me.

The blonde smiles. Trent slugs down his drink.

TRENT (to blonde): Looks like you need a refill, darling.

BLONDE: Black cherry, por favor.

And polishes off her White Claw. Trent rises to his feet, straightening out his jacket. We glimpse a tag still on it; no doubt Trent plans on returning it after the soiree. Trent fiddles with his iPhone, then checks his pockets… a horrid look paints his face.

TRENT: Ah, shit. Musta left my… (to Robert) hook me up, bro. C’mon.

ROBERT: Maybe you’re the one who’ll be beggin’ for change. Won’t have as good a sign as me, though, promise.

Trent glares daggers at Robert as he fishes a crumpled twenty out of his pocket. Hands it to Trent, who immediately smooths it out.

ROBERT (to the blonde): See? Givin’ back already. It’s what I do.

Trent sets his iPhone on his chair, slaps in his AirPods and struts away. When he’s out of earshot-

ROBERT: Is it me or do ya think ‘Masters of the Universe’ should be able to buy their own drinks?

The blonde titters. Robert leans in, secretive. On the chair, we see that the iPhone is recording.

ROBERT: Can I tell you a secret?

Trent’s at the bar. AirPods in his ears, he can hear the conversation.

ROBERT: Don’t tell anyone, but… that dude ain’t got a pot to piss in.

BLONDE: Really?

ROBERT: Why anyone would piss in a pot, I don’t… like, why wouldn’t ya just go in the grass? I mean, why waste a perfectly good pot? (the blonde grins). It’s kinda sad, actually. His dad’s doin’ time.

BLONDE: Whoa! Seriously?

At the bar, Trent fumes as he gets his drinks.

ROBERT: Yeah, some money laundering thing… I dunno, a get-quick-rich scheme that went bad… the proverbial apple and the tree, huh?

BLONDE: ‘Proverbial?’ Stealin’ my words?

ROBERT: Well, you stole my heart- it’s only fair.

BLONDE: Ugh, want some vino with that cheese?

ROBERT: Hey, wanna get outta here, check out that trail? Looks kinda dope.

BLONDE: Uh, kinda waitin’ for my… ooh, there it is!

Trent swaggers over with his drink and a White Clam.

ROBERT: Ah, speak of the devil. Literally.

BLONDE (re: literally): Ugh, there ya go again- thief!

Trent suavely cracks open the Clam, hands it to the blonde.

TRENT: Here ya go, sweetheart. (to Robert) Oh, hey- ran into Bowker at the bar. Wants a quick meeting, bros only. C’mon.

Against his will, Robert rises to his feet.

Trent (to the blonde): Be right back, darling. Don’t go leavin’ now.

Robert: (to the blonde) Yeah, seriously. My heart would literally break.

Robert follows Trent toward the hull of the yacht… the blonde eyes them, put off by their neediness… just then, a DAPPER GUY sashays over to her, radiating confidence.

DAPPER GUY: Everything okay?

BLONDE: I guess.

DAPPER GUY: Dave Bowker. Nice to meet you.

And shakes hands with the smitten blonde. Suddenly, the boat lists sharply to the left. Whoa! The girl leaps from her chair before it topples over. In the b.g., muted sounds of a bare-knuckled brawl inside the hull.

DAPPER GUY: Let’s talk a walk.

BLONDE: Sure.

And off they go, towards the mountain… seconds later, Trent marches onto the deck, straightening his jacket. Checks to make sure there’s no stains on it. He treks toward the blonde, but she’s gone. In the distance, we see her and Bowker hiking up the trail, talking and laughing.

Trent sighs, guzzling his drink. Glances around for his next target… Robert staggers out of the hull, bruised and battered, searching for the girl… seeing her with Bowker, he groans and tramps to the bar. Bested, once again.

[Anna Burroughs-Merrill]

I really enjoyed this. Since this is supposed to be “critique”, and it appears you wove the traits into almost every line, I really only have one suggestion (as a second-degree blackbelt, I love a good fight scene).

“And shakes hands with the smitten blonde. In the b.g, we hear the muted sounds of a fight inside the hull…. seconds later, Trent marches onto the deck, straightening his jacket. Checks to make sure there’s no stains on it….”

Since your script was humorous, and you’ve chosen to have your fight off-scene, it would be nice to add some kind of PHYSICAL indication of that fight (up the AGGRESSION). Some possible suggestions:

— The boat lists suddenly to one side

— Something goes rolling off the boat into the water.

— There’s a loud thud. A seagull flies, squawking off of the sail.

Trent straightening his jacket afterwards is a perfect “meticulous” James Bond touch 🙂

[David Penn]

Thanks, Anna. I will incorporate this into the next draft… I think I’ll use the boat listing to one side causing the blonde and the dapper guy to get out of their chairs. Then the blonde suggests they hike the trail.

[Yannis Zafeiriou]

David this is such an amazing piece of characterization. Each voice is very clear in my head, the core traits, the subtext, the wonderful spoken dialogue that just effortlessly flows (the trick you have mastered is to make this look effortless in the first place hahaha). I think you used all of the assignment techniques? Even the Dramatic Irony that I struggled with. Bravo! I don’t really have any critique. Only what might be a fun idea (which ironically I got from your own set-up). Might be worth considering. You know where you say “Trent dons a $5,000 designer suit, flaunting his (alleged) wealth”? I thought it might be fun if you have him also intentionally flash a Rolex or something, and then later in the scene Robert can make a snarky comment about it possibly being a fake, but by saying something that would make him sound stupid to the audience’s eyes. For example he could maybe joke about the watch’s battery (which Rolex watches famously don’t have). So he could come across as stupid, and Trent would also come across as a fake (cause if this was a Rolex there wouldn’t be a battery). But only to people in the audience that already know about this little detail. It might be like a fun mini-easter egg or something, for those in the know. Kinda appropriate, given the nature of the scene 🤣 It doesn’t have to be this exact detail, but something similar. I always LOVE finding those hidden tiny details in a script/movie and feel so smug knowing I noticed them!

[Anna Burroughs-Merrill]

REWRITE #2 of Scene 5: just a few more tweaks.

Would appreciate any feedback people have time to give.

———————

LOGLINE: Senator Trentus, who uses the illusion of wealth to improve his lowborn family’s social standing, discovers he’s been sabotaged by the conspiring Senator Robulus.

ESSENCE: Trentus might be manipulative and power-hungry, but he serves an ideal.

———————-

INT. LATE AFTERNOON – TEMPLE OF CAPITOLUNUS

ROBULUS METTELUS FLACCUS, a Roman Senator, reclines upon a couch in the center of the chamber, somewhat inebriated as a SLAVE GIRL pours a glass of wine. Three rows of seats surround the raised dais, filled with other SENATORS, their SLAVES, and vats of wine, cheese, and various fruits and snacks.

ROBULUS
It’s a disgrace, allowing freedmen to hold government positions. What will the Claudius do next?
(gestures at the slaves)
Appoint slaves to replace the Senate?

He is rebuked by SENATOR TRENTUS QUINTUS MARCELLUS.

TRENTUS
My father was a freedman. He went on to become a successful vintner.

SENATOR A
(holds up his goblet)
And a fine vintage you’ve provided for us all today, Trentus.

OTHER SENATORS
Hear, hear!

SENATOR A pinches the SLAVE GIRL who is pouring him another glass of wine in the ass.

SENATOR A
–not to mention, the most luscious fruit.

The SLAVE GIRL squeals half-heartedly. She looks to TRENTUS, who gives her a grim nod. The SLAVE GIRL bends over SENATOR A, giving him a view of her ample bosom.

TRENTUS
Fruit which will grow even more abundant if you support my family’s petition to expand our vineyards into Thrace?

SENATOR A
(staring at the SLAVE GIRL’s bosom)
You shall have my vote.

ROBULUS holds out his empty wineglass, but the SLAVE GIRL whispers something which makes SENATOR A laugh. ROBULUS rearranges his toga self-consciously over his fat-rolls.

TRENTUS raises his goblet.

TRENTUS
To Emperor Claudius. Thanks to his exploits in Brittania, he’s restored the public treasury, and now he’s brought peace to Judea.

ROBULUS
Claudius can’t bring peace to his own household, much less Rome. They say his wife, Messalina, has sex—

A loud commotion comes from the entrance of the Temple.

ROBULUS
–with his entire praetorian guard.

OTHER SENATORS
(laugh)

The commotion grows louder. A ROMAN CENTURIAN forces his way past the guards and lunges towards ROBULUS. There is blood splattered on his armor.

CENTURIAN
(shouts)
Your intrigues just cost me the lives of three of my men.

ROBULUS
(glances furtively)
I have no idea what you speak of.

CENTURIAN
Liar! You sent me to expose his infidelities—
(he points at TRENTUS)
–not thwart the Emperors attempt to negotiate a truce with Thrace.

ROBULUS
(looks panicked)
Guards! Get this freedman out of the chamber.

The GUARDS move to intercept CENTURIAN.

TRENTUS
Stop!
(gestures at other senators)
Since this allegedly involves me, I’d like to hear what this man has to say.

ROBULUS
It has no relevance on today’s proceedings.

TRENTUS
I say otherwise. To frame a fellow senator for ambitus is a crime.

ROBULUS
Says the delegate who would sell his vote to Pluto to earn a few extra denarii.

OTHER SENATORS
(laugh)

TRENTUS
(to the CENTURIAN)
Tell us about this intrigue?

ROBULUS
It is all just a misunderstanding.
(grabs the CENTURIAN’s arm)
Come, my good man. Let us discuss this matter privately in another room.

ROBULUS drags the CENTURIAN down a hallway that runs off the back of the senate chamber. TRENTUS follows at a discreet distance.

INT. LATE AFTERNOON – TEMPLE OF CAPITOLUNUS – SMALL BACK ROOM

ROBULUS
In here—

He gestures for the CENTURIAN to go inside. The GUARDS move to follow. ROBULUS says disdainfully–

ROBULUS
–not you. Wait outside.

Their armor clanks as the GUARDS move outside the door. They pass TRENTUS, who cracks open the door to eavesdrop. ROBULUS’ smooth demeanor changes.

ROBULUS
(shouts at Centurian)
Whatever possessed you to bring your grievance here?

CENTURIAN
I just watched three of my men get slaughtered.

ROBULUS
Through your own incompetence.

CENTURIAN
(hissing)
That carriage was carrying the Emperor’s niece, Agrippina, not his—
(points at the cracked door)
–mistress. She was guarded by the praetorian guard.

TRENTUS bursts into the room and grabs ROBULUS by the toga.

TRENTUS
You hired mercenaries to attack my personal chariot?

CENTURIAN
He did. He paid my men ten denarius apiece.

TRENTUS
(gives Robulus a shake)
That chariot carried my father’s entire fortune.

ROBULUS
(sneers)
What of it? The fortune of a former slave?

TRENTUS
The fortune that slave put at Claudius’ disposal to buy the loyalty of his Thracian collaborators.

TRENTUS punches ROBULUS in the face.

ROBULUS
Guards! Help!

TRENTUS throws ROBULUS to the ground and beats him. The GUARDS rush inside the room. They attempt to pull TRENTUS off of ROBULUS.

TRENTUS
Treason! This jackal attempted to thwart the Emperor’s peace deal!

ROBULUS
So now you support Claudius?
(sneers)
A weakling? Who only rose to power because he was appointed by the praetorian guard?

TRENTUS
I might be from a lowly merchant family, but I took a vow—

He punches ROBULUS in the nose.

–to defend Rome!

[David Penn]

Great scene, Anna. You definitely have the most original/intrigue setting- and you pulled it off. Kudos! I guess the only ‘note’ (and I use that term loosely) is showing more of Robert- sorry, Robulus- gregarious/smooth traits. Perhaps, just spitballin’ here… start with Robulus entertaining the gang with a story, then when the laughter dies down, bring up his stance on the freedman. And maybe after claiming that Messalina has sex with the guards- and everyone laughs- throws in a lil’ joke about him wishing to be a guard. More laughter ensues before Centurian appears.

[Anna Burroughs-Merrill]

Thank you for that feedback David! I struggled with applying the traits, so your suggestions are on-point and helpful.

[Jeremy Cooke]

ROBULUS
(looks panicked)
Guards! Get this freedman out of the chamber.

How did he know that the Centurion was a Freedman; someone should say hold on and ask?

Ambitus is a bit ambitious I think. You may find the the audience’s knowledge of Roman Law doesn’t extend that far.

[Anna Burroughs-Merrill]

Thank you for that feedback, Jeremy! Robulus bribed the Centurian, so he already knows his status and relatively low rank. As for ‘ambitus’, its more of a “window dressing’ term than anything important to the script. But I’ll keep that in mind before I succumb to my urge to fall down the Latin 101 rabbit hole and put all that useless Latin I was forced to memorize in high school to work 🙂

So ix-nay on the atin-lay, ey?

[Jeremy Cooke]

Si hoc legere scis nimium eruditionis habes

[Anna Burroughs-Merrill]

“Doctrina bona est, etiam senescit.” –Marcus Aurelius Antoninus

🤣

[Leah Gunderson]

“Si vic pacem, para bellum.” – John Wick

[Leah Gunderson]

Scribere esse immortalem. Fabulam narrare!

[Yannis Zafeiriou]

My favourite part is your ending, defending Rome with a literal punch in the nose! Fantastic scene and use of so many interest techniques and traits. I also still adore how you changed the names (a tiny bit of breaking the rules, so to speak), which has inspired me to do so in the current exercise we’re writing! Sometimes we all get caught up in the *rules* we follow, and I think it’s super liberating to break through and remember that when we write… the sky is the limit. And, insofar as these exercises go in our learning environment, budgets do not apply!!!

[Anna Burroughs-Merrill]

Would that be considered a bit “on the nose?” 🙂

Thanks so much for that feedback!

[Jack Sherry]

Jack’s Exchange Feedback Scene

FADE IN:

INT. BAR – DAY

Traditional bar with mirrored backdrop and shelves filled with bottles of every shape and color.

A large flat-screen TV is located above the far end where TRENT (20’S), smart blazer, white shirt, khaki pants and spit-shined black shoes, watches a basketball game on the screen sipping a clear-liquid drink with a lime floating on top.

A dozen other people mingle, laughing and watching the game.

ROBERT (20’s), the bartender, smoothly flips a bottle around and perfectly pours a drink from 12 inches above the glass, showing off to AMY (30’s), who sits in front of him.

GEORGE(40’s), the manager, smiles approvingly as he moves past him on the way out to the crowd.

GEORGE

You’re in a good mood.

ROBERT

Hit the trifecta yesterday.

Won three grand.

He flips the bottle with a double flip.

Down at the end of the bar, Trent looks at Amy, sees Robert showing off, frowns.

Robert glances around after his juggling feat to see who caught his act and notices Trent’s frowning disapproval.

A couple of men who liked Robert’s skills come closer. One gives a thumbs up.

ROBERT

Hey, y’all, guess who’s got big-time skeletons.

He motions for the two to lean in as if it’s going to be a big secret, a mischievous grin on his face. One sits next to Amy. The other comes behind them.

Robert chuckles, reveling in the attention.

ROBERT (CONT’D)

You know Trent’s ex, Sara?

AMY

Yeah.

MAN 1

Who doesn’t?

ROBERT

She was seeing Trent’s father on the side.

The two men look at each other, amazed.

MAN 2

No shit?

ROBERT

I kid you not.

Two ladies hop up on seats next to Amy.

Robert, feeling like a man in charge, spins a couple of napkins in the air and lays them in front of the two.

A CHEER comes up at the end of the bar by those watching the basketball game.

Amy peels off and heads toward the cheering.

The man standing behind her takes her seat and smiles at the two ladies.

Amy stands beside Trent, looks at the TV.

AMY

Don’t look at me, but watch the game.

Trent complies.

AMY (CONT’D)

Robert says Sara was seeing your dad at the same time she was seeing you.

Trent stares at the TV as his face turns red.

TRENT

And he’s telling everyone this?

AMY

I guess. Told me and those guys who just sat down.

Trent gulps the rest of his drink down.

He notices George carrying a box of supplies into the men’s room. His eyes dart back and forth, and he rubs his chin, conspiring.

TRENT

I need a favor.

AMY

What?

TRENT

I need to set him straight.

AMY

Okay.

TRENT

Follow me.

INT. HALLWAY – DAY

He leads her down a hallway to a supply room, turns the knob.

It opens to a dark room. He looks back. Nobody looking.

More CHEERING from around the corner at the TV.

TRENT

Will you cozy up to him and ask him to meet you in the supply room? Tell him you have something you want to show him in private, sort of flirt with him, you know?

AMY

I don’t know.

What are you going to do?

TRENT

I’m just going to talk to him, set him straight. I don’t want to have to wait until he’s off work, know what I mean? Nothing to worry about.

AMY

I’m sorry. I don’t want to get in the middle here.

TRENT

I’ve got a condo in Maui. You can have it for a week, or you can go with me and I’ll pay for everything. I like you, Amy, and I appreciate your letting me know the bullshit. You can have your own bedroom, you know, I mean, I like you and I’d like to do something cool like that with you, but I’m not trying to get in your pants.

Amy blushes, touches Trent on the arm.

AMY

Well, your dad was good to me when I worked for his campaign.

(pause)

Okay.

She smiles a tempting smile, then turns and prances toward the bar noise, looking back over her shoulder with a flirty flip of the hair.

Trent goes into the room, shuts the door.

INT. SUPPLY ROOM – DAY

In a pitch-black room, the door opens and we see Robert flip the light on. Trent waits behind the door.

Robert, smiling with anticipation, puts his hand on Amy’s back and ushers her in.

As soon as he closes the door, Trent SUCKER PUNCHES him, right on the chin.

Trent falls hard, completely stunned and shocked.

Trent follows up like a lion tearing up a deer, kicking him in the stomach time after time.

AMY

Trent! Stop! That’s enough!

TRENT

Get out!

AMY

You said don’t worry. Hey, Stop!

I could get in trouble here!

She backs away from him, afraid.

Trent grabs her, pushes her roughly toward the door.

TRENT

Get lost. Keep your mouth shut.

He opens the door, shoves her out.

He turns back to his prey, who now, MOANING, crawls to a corner, cowering.

TRENT (CONT’D)

Think you know something about my father, huh?

ROBERT

No, no, I was just ….

TRENT

Think you’re a hot shot with you clown act behind the bar. You ain’t shit, you peon.

He kicks Robert in the head, right through Robert’s attempt to defend himself with his arms.

Robert curls up into a fetal position.

ROBERT

(screaming)

Help!

Trent kicks him one more time in the stomach.

TRENT

That’s for the mayor.

ROBERT

Help!

The door opens. George is shocked to see Robert on the floor.

Trent rushes out past him as George goes down to check on Robert, whose face is pitiful, bloodied and swollen.

[Jeremy Cooke]

AMY

Well, your dad was good to me when I worked for his campaign.

I’d like to see more of Amy’s character and motivation. Why is she getting involved? Does she ask for anything? A gift, money, a favour?

[Jeremy Cooke]

Are people in the bar scared – keeping their head down when they hear the noise?

• This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  Jeremy Cooke.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  Jeremy Cooke.

[Yannis Zafeiriou]

I still love how satisfying the beating is at the end, and how methodically you get to it! Very strong techniques and traits!!

[Lynn Vincentnathan]

Lynn’s Fight Scene, 4th Draft, for exchange

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that Hal’s and other critiques and scenes really helped me get into not only the character traits, but also the interest techniques. Thanks to Brenda, I’ve fixed up most of her areas of concern. However, I ended with more pages than I’d planned.

And… this was actually fun once I got into the swing of it.

============================

EXT. RANCH – DAY – ESTABLISHING

Arial view of a two-hundred-acre ranch in a green valley. Pastures, white fences, horses, a mansion and barn. Cars parked in a field, cars arriving near the mansion.

A huge party-dressed CROWD milling about the ranch yard near the mansion and barn.

EXT. RANCH YARD AND MANSION – DAY

The yard and wrap-around verandah of the mansion are decorated for a helluva celebration.

JOHN (80), the center of it, sits in an ornate chair on the verandah with a dominance smile. OTHERS fawn over him. It’s his 80th birthday. A multi-layered birthday cake on a table below the verandah awaits the ritual with “HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JOHN” on it.

A Benz arrives. The CHAFFUER slips out, opens the rear door as the ranch VALET slides into the driver’s seat. MARGOT FORTIER (71), a raging beauty in her youth, clothed in opulence, emerges from the car. From the other side emerges TRENT MORGAN (29), dressed to kill. The Valet drives the car away.

Trent search-looks, spots, and sours on ROBERT MORGAN (26) [slight fear–he’s negative on Robert; slight suspense he may do something against Robert or to spoil the party]

TEN YARDS AWAY

the center of a CLIQUE OF FIVE. Robert pumping hands and laughing with TWO MORE joining his clique. [gregarious]

A WOMAN (45) commandeers Robert and as he turns to her he sees Trent and Margot joining the bash in the distance. He frowns, then pastes a smile for the woman. [change in character; fear bad dealings with Trent and/or Margot; slight suspense]

SOME OTHERS in his group also notice the arrival.

WOMAN: So what are your plans, Robert? For the estate?

Robert glances over at John on the verandah, then at Margot weaving slowly there, greeting WELL-WISHERS on the way. And then at Trent, headed into the crowd.

Robert refocuses on the woman.

ROBERT: Granddad’s as healthy as a marathon runner.

WOMAN: That’s not what we heard, Robert. In fact, I think it was you who told Clarice about the terminal cancer… And people in the valley would like to know your plans for his estate. [gossips]

His group looks at him expectantly.

ROBERT: (sly smile). I don’t plan ahead… [secretive] But did you hear about Margot Fortier? [gossips]

WOMAN: forever and ever.

ROBERT: No, something new. Seems she has a-a keep, I guess you’d call him.

A MAN in his group who also noticed Margot arrive with Trent speaks up.

MAN: Manstress? Yeh, that’s new. I guess you mean your brother, Trent, I surmise?

ROBERT: Half-brother and not the better half. [fresh gossip about Margot, implicating Trent]

CHUCKLES.

WOMAN: A 70s-something woman! And so soon after her husband’s passing. (TSK)

Robert glance-frowns at Trent, who’s been waylaid by ANDREW (40s).

TRENT AND ANDREW

Trent replies to the Andrew out of Robert’s earshot. Andrew looks with pity on Trent.

TRENT: Yes, Andrew, the Duchene Investment WAS a great idea, on the way to success, then someone, someone I know well (daggers at Robert) botched it. I lost a lot of money, but that’ll never happen again. [lost money, needy for other people’s investments]

Andrew notes Trent’s obvious implication of Robert and looks over at Robert. Then Trent and Robert exchange fake smiles and Robert waves Andrew to come join his group.

TRENT: (to Andrew) I’m developing a new startup on the other coast, totally secured. I could keep you in the loop if–

ANDREW: (to Trent) Excuse me.

Andrew leaves and drifts over to Robert’s group. Trent grinds his teeth. [fear/suspense]

ON THE VERANDAH

Margot greets John, who arises to give her a brief kiss. He’s all smiles for her, but shakes his head, when he sees his handsome but haggard ranch hand, GEORGE (41), sneak off into the TACK ROOM attached to the barn with a half scotch bottle. Margot follows his line of vision and smiles.

MARGOT: George does deserve a break. (turns to John) There’s an interesting new development, John…

TRENT

sees URSULA (25), svelte and aloof, pass near Robert’s group.

He strides toward her.

TRENT: (calls out) Ursula!

ROBERT watches Ursula pivot away from Trent, head held high, and smiles smugly.

Trent with forced smile approaches Robert, emotions conflicted.

TRENT: Hey, Robert!

ROBERT: Hey, Trent! Didn’t expect you here.

On Robert’s face, guilt. And his clique, apprehensive, as Trent joins them.

TRENT: You mean, you hoped I wouldn’t come after certain, uh, happenings… or mishappenings. [fear, subtext accusation]

Robert is closed faced. Trent puts on a stiff smile.

TRENT: But Margot insisted I accompany her.

Robert’s clique shakes their heads knowingly.

ROBERT: The Dame Margot Fortier. When will you give it up?

TRENT: I don’t scam, if that’s what you mean. People, especially the rich, (turns to the clique) like you folks here, want to make more money. They find my investments attractive. And regarding Margot, I’m doing detective work for her. Pro bono. [fear, need to defuse with smooth]

ROBERT: Yeh, sure. But it’s only because you’re associated with us and people think you’re rich and successful. (off Trent’s rising anger) And you could be, Trent, with your law degree. You’re smart. (sigh) So you’re here… I guess to get clients for your next venture, or should I say misadventure. [hope] (getting tough) And if that’s the case– [fear]

The clique worries, watching this back-and-forth tennis game of sibling spars.

TRENT: Not at all. I came to celebrate your grandfather’s birthday.

ROBERT: You mean, our grandfather.

TRENT: Maybe step-grandfather, but he doesn’t even think that. But, hey, you guys are the only family I have now. [hope]

ROBERT: (soothing) And you’re my big brother I could never measure up to. In school, in smarts. Granddad even said he wished I’d be more like you. [hope]

The clique at this point slowly disperses.

TRENT: Must have been years ago.

ROBERT: Yeh, when I flunked algebra.

Robert forces A LAUGH, but not Trent.

TRENT: Well, I’m hoping we can be real brothers… Say, where’s our dear ole dad?

ROBERT: In town at the Shamrock, I guess.

TRENT: (TSKs) Stud service, then out to pasture. (sigh) Despite everything, I owe the old coot (head swing to John) for providing a loan for my education. Which I paid off with heavy interest.

ROBERT: With whose money, Trent? [fear]

TRENT: Okay, bro, enough… I want you to see the great gift I have for Granddad. [hope, mislead…]

Trent, cunning smile.

ROBERT: So, where’s this great gift? And who paid for it?

TRENT: In the tack room. Money can’t buy everything.

They head toward the tack room. Robert waves and smiles at GUESTS they pass.

ROBERT: (expecting a flare up) So, you’re not upset about Ursula? [fear]

TRENT: (shrugs) Why should I be? She’s too high and mighty for me. Good she backed out of our engagement, so I didn’t have to. [hope]

ROBERT: I worried you may have taken it hard. (not really) Maybe it was because of Margot?

TRENT: Margot?! She’s like a grandmother. No, Ursula broke a month before I started working for Margot. Guess it was just… incompatibility. But why are you so concerned about my life all of a sudden?

Robert gets a guilty look as they open the door to the tack room.

INT. THE TACK ROOM – DAY

Full of expensive tack, saddles, tools, A SCYTHE. Ranch hand George hears THE DOOR OPEN, hides with his bottle beside a large armoire in the back corner shadow.

The two brothers enter. Robert gives the room a quick eye-search without seeing George, then turns to Trent. [suspense re George & brother conflict, superior position–we know George is there]

ROBERT: So, where’s this great gift that money can’t buy?

TRENT: I’ll show you in a minute. First I want to know why you told Ursula I had cheated my business associates. [fear, suspense – fight?, betrayal]

ROBERT: I didn’t–

TRENT: She told me you did. And you know those were legitimate business ventures that failed.

ROBERT: That’sss … a matter of opinion. I heard from Lindon–

TRENT: The liar. I’m ninety thousand dollars in the hole because someone — I suspect you — botched my latest deal with your vicious gossip.

ROBERT: (incredulous) You’re in the hole?! You mean your backers are in the hole!

Trent borders on furious. Robert rachets down.

ROBERT (CONT’D): (reasonable, calm) So you don’t really have a gift, you just wanted to–

TRENT: No, I do have a gift. Two, actually… First, you granddad and you’ll be glad to know Margot’s staking my new startup on the East Coast– air-tight, you can’t destroy it–but maybe sad I’ll be moving there… What will you do for gossip once I’m gone?

Trent TSKs and shakes his head.

ROBERT: It’ll be good riddance… So what’s this other so-called gift?

TRENT: It’s actually from Margot. Good news, your grandpa has another grandson. [surprise, reveal]

ROBERT: What the hell–

TRENT: Yeh, you know all that gossip about Margot, how she broke her leg, gave up ballet, came back home here? Got in trouble?

ROBERT: Yeh, with some ballet dude, like fifty years ago.

TRENT: That’s the only part you gossipers got wrong. [fear]

ROBERT: No way it could be granddad’s. There would have been a paternity suit. [hope]

TRENT: Ever heard of discreet, Robert? No? Well, that’s Margot, and it’s why she wanted me to discuss this with you in private. Plus she has her own estate… [fear]

ROBERT: Doesn’t ring true. Why now after so many decades? Right when granddad’s about to–

TRENT (CONT’D): Croak?… Short story, long: She gave her son up for adoption, got married a few months later, and didn’t bother to search for him until after her husband’s passing. (sassy) Or rather until I brought it up a couple of weeks ago on the hunch those rumors were true. [betrayal, maybe; intrigue] (off Robert’s glare) Surprise! They were, and she asked me to find her son. Then after some persuasion she revealed the real sire. (sardonic) Granddad John Henshaw!

ROBERT: And who is this whelp supposed to be? IF there is one.

TRENT: You know about the Griffins–they had a small cabbage farm nearby. They adopted the boy anonymously.

George in hiding perks up.

ROBERT: No, they said it was the kid of his Texas brother who’d passed. According to what I heard.

TRENT: Maybe to throw people off. Anyway, as fate would have it–

ROBERT: Granddad bought their farm.

TRENT: Cheated them actually. They ended up–

ROBERT: (ho-hum sigh) Working as ranch hands… But I heard their son met with an accident, died. Decades ago.

George hangs his head, sad.

TRENT: Not before marrying and having his own son. Your cousin. Who is alive and well. (beat) He’s George, your ranch hand! [surprise]

George, hiding next to the armoire, shifts, makes A SLIGHT SOUND.

Trent and Robert look over in that direction, but don’t see anything. [fear]

TRENT: Rats. They’re overrunning the estate! Or, should I say running it. [hope]

Robert swings his glare back to Trent.

ROBERT: That’s ludicrous about George! (beat) It-it’ll never hold up in court. The will is set. I’m the only heir.

TRENT: Oh, you’re not happy to have a cousin? Well anyway, it’ll be great to see George get his claws into your granddaddy’s estate with you out of half… or more. With my help, of course, thanks to the great education your granddaddy helped me get. [betrayal]

ROBERT: You, bastard!

TRENT: Ah-ah, slander will get you nowhere. But I doubt it’ll get to court. Margot’s explaining it to John, and I’m sure he’ll be happy to have another grandson.

ROBERT: Granddad loves me. He hates George!

George in the shadow quakes. Robert is fuming mad.

TRENT: Hate? Come on. He loves ole George. Good worker, unlike you.

Robert shoves Trent hard.

TRENT: My final gift for the old coot–

Trent comes back hard and slugs Robert in the face as he speaks.

TRENT (CONT’D): –a bloody nose on his grandson. The bad one.

Robert, nose bloodied, comes back swinging. George remains out of their view.

ROBERT: You rotten cheat. (punches continue) Granddad always said you’re no good.

The fight progresses to serious blows.

Robert starts to best Trent. George peeks. Robert sees him, gets distracted, as Trent delivers a heavy blow that

sends Robert stumbling backwards

into the scythe.

Robert gives a LOUD YELP. [major twist, suspense]

Trent is immobilized in horror. George goes flat against the wall next to the armoire, stiff with palpitating fear. Then Trent rushes to Robert.

TRENT: Bobby. I didn’t mean– [character changes]

He moves Robert, blood gushes from his side. He tries to stanch it with his hand. Robert moves a bit. He’s alive. Barely.

Trent rushes out to the

EXT. RANCH YARD – DAY

TRENT: Help! There’s been an accident! Robert’s hurt himself. We need a doctor.

Guests and John rush toward the tack room, looking past Trent. Trent whirls around, sees George, drunk and dazed, staggering out of the tack room. Trent’s expression turns to utter horror as if seeing a ghost.

[Jeremy Cooke]

<div>INT. THE TACK ROOM – DAY</div><div>

I really like the scene but surprised that there’s no mention of DNA.Maybe that’s what Margot is doing – asking Grandpa if he”l agree to give a DNA sample?

I’m starting to be impressed the way actually writing the trait against the line is working and I think it works well here.

George is very passive – is that the way you see him continue?

</div>

[Anna Burroughs-Merrill]

This has some real interesting character development (traits), and also a more hefty backstory, over the earlier draft.

Okay … critique. Now that you have your traits, this is starting to get a bit too long, between the new backstory, the traits, and the animosity between the brothers. I realize this is just a random scene for the exercise, but if it was part of a larger work, I’d suggest you focus on ONE major scene goal (the essence) which fits in with the theme of your entire story, go back again and clarify that one thread, and then weave back in the other good stuff (traits) (methods) to support it. My impression is that you’ve got too many things going on in this scene now, some of which belongs in a different scene.

I really liked the way you had Robert sabotage Trent’s potential business dealings at the beginning, btw, with gossip and the herd. It was much more subtle and believable than your earlier draft.

[Lynn Vincentnathan]

Thanks, so much all of you for your feedback. Based on most of it I was able to reduce the scene by going back to the “essence” and cutting out some subplots/backstories. The DNA I sort of solved by Trent saying Margot told him John was the only man in her life at that time… so in later scenes (if this really were a movie) the DNA test would surely come back positive match.

I’m not going to post this again, but get on with reading others’ scenes and giving feedback.

[David Penn]

Sorry, I re-posted in the appropriate place.

[Brian Walsh]

Brian G. Walsh

3RD PASS:

Lesson 5 Scene: Robert & Trent

What I learned is: Considering alternate ways to accomplish the essence of the scene opens your mind to other possibilities. I decided to try a different approach regarding the ass-kicking at the end. Depending on the needs of the full script, this could unite two formerly opposing parties.

TRENT: Conspiring, aggressive, meticulous, needy

ROBERT: Smooth, secretive, gregarious, low self-esteem

Scene Arc: Trent and Robert reside in a German prisoner-of-war camp near the end of World War II. They celebrate the rumored imminent liberation of their POW camp, but their character flaws will be their undoing inside a camp full of enemies.

EXT. PRISON CAMP GROUNDS — DAY

Dark clouds but no rain. A prison camp of about twenty barracks laid out in a long line. The grounds are uniform, manicured dirt. Barbed wire encloses the entire camp. A guard stands overwatch in a forty-foot tower near the double gate.

Three dozen prisoners-of-war lounge around outside their barracks. Their uniforms are so dirty and worn that rank and country of issue is unidentifiable. Four men toss around an old, weathered ball. They smile and shout encouragement.

TRENT SWIRLING, 30, reed thin, pronounced chin, slouches. He claps his hands together. A cigarette always tucked behind one ear, he behaves as if this is a summer camp for his amusement. He keeps his fingernails as clean as possible and his manner refined.

ROBERT, 20, also thin, with a scar along the back of his neck, dances and sings with BOURNE, 22, lanky and edgy, and DENTON, 40, a bull of a man with a pudgy face and small, beady eyes.

Their singing gets LOUDER and draws contemptuous looks from their German guards.

ROBERT

The war is over! The war is over! Adolf’s boys are marching in the wrong direction, hurrah, hurrah! Adolf’s boys are marching in the wrong direction, hurrah, hurrah!

TRENT

You goons and your rumors.

ROBERT

Cheer up, Moneybags. The camp’s going to be liberated any day now!

TRENT

When the war really is over, I’m going to come back here and just wallpaper right over Germany and use these Huns for the glue.

Robert picks up a tattered soccer ball and bounces it on the ground.

ROBERT

Sure, Trent, you’re John D. Rockefeller. Just rolling in dough, that’s why you’re here.

TRENT

Did I tell you I know John D. personally?

ROBERT

And Henry Ford, too.

TRENT

I’m a man of action, Robert. That’s why I volunteered to fight alongside you common folk.

ROBERT

You’re so full of shit.

Robert tosses the ball to Bourne.

BOURNE

When we get back to the States, I’ll introduce you to some real action, Robert. And you don’t need to be no Rockefeller to make time with these dames.

Robert blushes, looks away.

Bourne WHOOPS out loud and throws the ball to

Denton. The ball looks small in his meaty hands. He squeezes it, looks around.

DENTON

(grins)

Wilson and Murphy been gone three days. They must have made it! If they can escape, so can we!

A GERMAN ARMY SERGEANT, tall, fat, sinister eyes, watches them carefully from twenty yards away. He scowls at them.

ROBERT

And they’ll bring our boys right back here.

DENTON

Just a matter of time.

TRENT

Maybe it’s time these Krauts started learning who’s boss.

(beat)

Hey, Fritz! Hey, sergeant. Feldwebel!

ROBERT

Don’t push it, Trent.

The German Sergeant turns.

Trent FIRES the ball at him

The German Sergeant swats the ball away defensively.

Trent, Robert, Bourne and Denton laugh it up.

A GERMAN PRIVATE, 20, a huge ape with a Neanderthal look, brings the ball over to the German Sergeant.

The German Sergeant walks over to Trent, holds up the ball.

Trent smiles, reaches for it –

The German Sergeant STABS the ball with his knife, guts it. He drops it to the ground.

Trent glares at him.

Robert steps back, raises his hands defensively.

GERMAN SERGEANT

Game finish. Just like Allies. Finish.

TRENT

Tell him Robert!

Robert averts his eyes.

TRENT

Tell him! Tell Herr Sergeant what you heard.

The German Sergeant walks up to Robert, pulls him close, their noses almost touching.

GERMAN SERGEANT

Yvolt. Tell what you hear.

ROBERT

(shrugs)

Nothing special.

GERMAN SERGEANT

Hear Allies maybe come quick?

ROBERT

Maybe.

GERMAN SERGEANT

Sag ihnen, dass ich dich gut behandle.

(beat)

Ah, you tell them I treat you well?

The German Sergeant waves the German Private to his side.

Robert breathes heavily, looks at Trent.

TRENT

You want to make a deal you talk to me, feldwebel. I could make you a rich man, not to mention keep you from getting shot.

GERMAN SERGEANT

Ja, ich möchte einen Deal machen.

ROBERT

What?

TRENT

He wants to make a deal.

GERMAN SERGEANT (CONT’D

Komm mit, Robert. Come along, Trent.

He leads Robert into the solitary confinement barracks with Trent and the Private following.

INT. HALLWAY – SOLITARY CONFINEMENT – DAY

A stone walkway with small cells on either side.

TRENT

Not exactly the Ritz.

The German Sergeant shoves Robert and Trent up against the wall.

GERMAN SERGEANT

You two cause trouble. Big mouth. You make Wilson and Murphy escape.

TRENT

And they’ll be coming back with enough soldiers to turn every Kraut in this camp into Wienerschnitzel.

Robert smiles, the chameleon showing his bright colors now. Lying and gossip are his stock and trade, the only time he’s comfortable in his own skin.

ROBERT

But I can help you two escape.

The German Sergeant steps back, gestures for the Private to shut the door behind them.

TRENT

And I’ve got the money. Connections outside the camp. Why do you think Wilson and Murphy made their break? They’ll get a big reward from me when they bring the Allies back here.

(beat)

I could use two good men like you and the private here.

GERMAN SERGEANT

You big wheel?

TRENT

A personal friend of John D. Rockefeller, no less.

The German Sergeant looks at Robert.

ROBERT

Everyone in the States knows Trent “Sweet Money” Swirling.

GERMAN SERGEANT

I help you escape . . .

ROBERT

And we help you escape – from the American firing squad.

TRENT

We got a deal, Fritz?

The German Sergeant nods.

GERMAN SERGEANT

Kommen.

He leads them to one of the solitary confinement cells. They walk in, the Sergeant and Private behind them.

Robert RECOILS in shock –

Trent FREEZES, his mouth open wide.

TWO DEAD POWs, Wilson and Murphy, lie on the floor, their bodies a mess, beaten to death.

Robert and Trent are shoved to the floor.

The Sergeant KICKS Trent in the face.

The Private SMASHES Robert’s head with the butt of his rifle.

The Sergeant pulls Trent to his face, shoves him against the wall and PUMMELS him with punches to the face and stomach.

The Private SMASHES Robert’s stomach, arms and legs with the butt of his rifle.

Trent slides to the floor, blood streaming from his nose, his face bruised.

Robert lies still, his face a disfigured, bloody pulp.

GERMAN SERGEANT

Das ist der neue Deal.

TRENT

(softly)

The new deal.

[Beth Zurkowski]

INT. AUCTION HOUSE AFTERNOON TUESDAY

Fleamarket vendors gather to bid on product at wholesale prices. ROBERT 65 has arrived wearing western wear. His cousin TRENT 45 arrives, as well and wears a suit and tie while everyone else wears jeans and a t-shirt. They have separate boothes so they buy independent from each other. They inspect the product. It’s Robert’s birthday and a cake is brought in to celebrate. Robert talks to the auctioneer.

ROBERT

…Alice is a con artist. You shouldn’t even be selling to her.

AUCTIONEER

Really?

ROBERT

Yep, and so is Mark.

AUCTIONEER

Well, you would know.

Auctioneer whispers in his clerks ear.

AUCTIONEER

(whispering loudly)

Don’t sell to Alice or Mark.

Alice and Mark overhear the comments.

ALICE

What? Why can’t you sell to us?

Their eyes shoot daggers at Robert.

ROBERT

Because you’re as bad as Dr. Oz and Oprah.

MARK

What are you talking about?

ALICE

We like to help people lose weight. Unlike you who brought in donuts and a birthday cake today.

MARK

Can’t you please sell to us? Robert just made up the rumor that we are con artists. We are entrepreneurs that’s all.

AUCTIONEER

Sorry, but I’m not selling to you. Good day.

Robert sat with a smile on his face as Alice and Mark left the room.

AUCTIONEER

(to the crowd)

Okay, lets get started.

Trent and Robert take their seats on the metal chairs. We see items being held up to bid on.

Suddenly, Alice and Mark bring the cake and donuts out and laugh as they throw handsful at Robert. He is covered in frosting. He hides in the bathroom to clean up. Alice and Mark go into the kitchen and wash up as well. Then Alice and Mark leave the building chuckling. The bidding is stalled as people clean up the mess. A few minutes later the bidding continues again.

Trent

John, go get me lunch please. I’ll pay you back.

JOHN

No. You never paid me back the last time.

TRENT

You want this relationship to work out? Then do it.

JOHN

I well I–

TRENT

–Fine, I’ll do it. But You’ll regret it.

JOHN

No, I’ll do it.

TRENT

Too late. I’m going.

They both start going to the kitchen then Trent stops and goes back to his chair. John comes back without food.

TRENT

What the…? Where’s my food.

JOHN

There’s either a dead man in the kitchen or he’s sleeping.

Trent walks to the kitchen to see if this man is dead. He goes into the kitchen and approaches the man. He checks for a pulse but can’t find one. He goes to tell Robert.

TRENT

Peter is dead in the kitchen.

ROBERT

Did you call 911 or security?

TRENT

Not yet. You could look at him.

ROBERT

You know I’m retired. You really think I can investigate with my appearance? Fine alright I’ll help.

Trent let him get by. Robert approached the security officer.

ROBERT

Follow me.

Robert walks to the kitchen with security officer. He examines the body. He gets a faint pluse.

ROBERT

Peter who did this to you?

PETER

Trrrrreeeennnnttt.

Peter dies in front of Robert.

ROBERT

(turning to the crowd)

Okay, everyone this is a crime scene.

He turns to the security man.

ROBERT

No one is allowed to leave this building until the police have secured it. Now call the police.

The officer makes the official call. Robert approaches Trent who is sitting on a metal chair.

ROBERT

When did you find out about Peter’s death.

TRENT

As soon as John told me.

ROBERT

Well, he wasn’t dead when you found him. Because I spoke to him after that.

The color drained from Trent’s face. He bolts out of the room pulling merchandise down behind him. Robert chases after him into a back room. This room has a door to the outside and Trent is grabbing the door knob and pulling the door open. Robert grabs Trent’s arm and twists it behind his back. Trent came around and punches Robert in the face knocking his glasses off. Robert let go of Trent for a second. Then Trent kicks him in the knee, but Robert doesn’t really feel it, basically a miss. Robert hits Trent with a baseball bat in packaging over and over. Trent falls to the floor and Robert sits on him until police arrive to arrest him.

[Brian Walsh]

I see several interest techniques and the character traits of Robert and Trent. Robert’s gossip is immediately on display, but I don’t think the auctioneer would decide not to sell to someone just on his word alone. The cake was brought in at the opening, but further down Alice and Mark bring the cake and donuts out. The bizarre donut and cake attack by Alice and Mark is a nice twist and a surprise at the same time. You do need to remember to describe the events so the reader or audience can see them on-screen. You summarized the bidding being stalled while people cleaned up the mess. The last sentence of the scene is also a summary. Their actions should be described as if they are happening right now. Trent’s manipulation of John shows that character trait very well. At the beginning when Trent arrives, it might have worked better if we’d seen him sneaking out of the kitchen. The ass-kicking is well done and brutal with Peter using a baseball bat.

[Beth Zurkowski]

Thanks Brian, Good points, thanks.

[Brian Walsh]

I am posting to request a feedback partner.

[Beth Zurkowski]

Brian,

want to team up?

Beth