Lesson 7: Exchange Feedback on Cycle 1

[Susan]

Request for feedback partnerS

[Christi Falk]

Hey Susan! I’m just going to read everyone’s story and put the feedback here. Good practice for what we’re learning. I’m not sure what a partner is but if you feel like reviewing mine when I review yours, that’s fine with me!

Hopefully I’ll have everyone done by the weekend.

[Susan]

That’s a good idea, I’m going to do that too! 😄

[Christi Falk]

For Mike- Sorry, I posted on the other page before I heard the call. My Bad! So, here’s my feedback. Basically what I said on the other screen if you saw it. You’ve got a gift with scenery, very good.

The characters were well drawn, the story had a beginning, middle and end.

The one thing that’s been sitting with me was the betrayal. Absolutely, it was surprising. The upsetting thing is it came from Treowulf. Sorry, I’m sure I’ve spelled that wrong. As the main character, I aligned with him and when he decided to slit the balladeers throat, I felt like he betrayed me.

I went to see Uncharted in the theatre a while ago, and when the Spiderman actor stole the woman’s bracelet, there was more than a few gasps from the audience. Like that.

I don’t know if we’re just lord of the flies in this course or if we’ll get someone to weigh in at some point but it’s really stayed with me.

I hope that helps!

[Michael Jones]

Hi Christi,

Thank you so much for your kind words. I like to begin with a simple caveat: I’m not an expert at using the Maximum Interest Techniques so if I don’t notice something it has nothing to do with your quality of writing, (which is great), and more to do with my ability to assess scripts, at this point.

Good use of Trent’s aggression in the “Frat House – Kitchen” scene by saying how he sees Robert’s gossiping escapades. Robert’s smoothness, secretive, and gregarious comfort shines in the “Chemistry Lab” scene between him and the Housemaster. Even his low self-esteem is hinted at in the line: “Sadly. Chemistry majors don’t really attract the opposite sex.” It seems like a joke but he feels the truth of it.

Trent’s meticulous and conniving traits illuminate through his ‘careful planning’ in the “Chemistry Entrance Grotto” scene. Also, the whole ‘setup’ Trent plans, using Robert’s help, knowing Robert will spread his exploits, having Robert recording him invade an ‘annual feminist meeting.’

Your ideas are clear and your voice shines through. You’re right to want to be you in the writing. Continue building your voice as you develop the quality of your writing. No doubt you’ll succeed with every iteration.

[Christi Falk]

Anita’s Feedback.

I see what you mean, it is long but I can’t see anywhere to cut. I think it’s because we’ve been given a prompt that requires a beginning, middle and end. If this was just a scene in a longer story, you could shave a bit here and there.

The story has an excellent aspect of surprise and betrayal. Somehow, I’m glad that Trent was thrown into the room instead of him. The drunk acting was well done!

Thinking about it, possibly cut the rest of the story of him being beaten up and being a trader at 16 and all the repetitive childhood stories but leave in the Chester and Spike. That’s a word picture that presupposes all the little stories that weave in and out.

Good job!

[Anita Daher]

Thanks, Christi! Yes, that may help. Appreciated! I am working a couple of deadlines, but will read and comment on all soon. Probably next week. Great idea!

[Susan]

Anita, where are you?

[Susan]

For Mike:

Good improvement from your original post. Well done. I have a few comments.

1) This sentence is unclear:
The lord of the feast, KING HARBINTOLL, sits on his ostentatious throne-like chair in the most prominent spot, and listens to ROBRIC whisper something into his ear before slithering among the other hearth-companions.

2) I feel like it would improve the scene if The Bard tried to give the knife to Robric instead of Treowulf, and then Treowulf has a real reason to slit his throat. Robric’s response would also make more sense if earlier he had also whispered into the Bard’s ear.

3) Since you have comedy in your scene it might benefit from the actual fighting portion to be amusing as well. For myself I would look at the films The Princess Bride and pretty much anything from Jackie Chan.

For Christi:

Wow, very interesting what you discovered about yourself! Thank you for sharing that. Your new scene made me laugh. I have a couple of comments that have to do with clarity. I had to reread these to make sense of who was doing what when.

1) A house in a state of celebration. PLEDGES stand in different corners and hold bowls of different fruit. Alcohol flows freely but not irresponsibly. ROBERT, 24, shyly opens the door and turns as TRENT, 24, enters inside a full suit of armor.

ROBERT

I have returned!

2) ROBERT

Problems?

TRENT

Nothing I can’t handle. PLEDGE!

A pledge scampers in with a bowl of fruit and a pillow between his knees. He drops the pillow in front of him, then kneels and extends the bowl above his head.

For Anita:

Good rewrite. I’m just not sure Robert could actually sell the Kinko’s since he doesn’t own it.
Does he believe Trent left it to him in his will?

It also occurred to me that you mean that Robert really does own the Kinko’s, but I didn’t

feel the truth of that for his character traits or for Trent’s character traits. Robert is

always full of it and Trent could own a Kinko’s franchise and brag of having some wealth

because he has his own business, but barring a miracle no one actually would get rich owning

only one Kinko’s.

For Danielle:
Good work on the rewrite. It is definitely better than the first. I am a little confused

about the character traits though… isn’t it Robert who is the one who is always

supposed to be making things up?

• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.

[Christi Falk]

Hi Susan, thank you for your patience! I did enjoy your story as it did adhere to the strict parameters that were presented. What I bumped into and something that took me a bit to process, was Skyler. She was a fully three dimensional character and was the embodiment of the interest techniques. Remember the movie Desperately Seeking Susan? It was supposed to be a breakout starring role for Rosanna Arquette. Instead, the only person anyone remembers from that movie is Madonna. She was just stunt casting but there you go.

Thats what Skyler is in this role. She’s larger than life and is a character in her own right! Since she doesn’t fall into the parameters of the prompt and is your own creation, I’d encourage you to flesh her out a bit and create something around her. I was left thinking at the end of the script, I hope she leaves these guys and finds someone new!

[Susan]

Thanks for your feedback. Skyler’s words and actions inform both Trent and Robert’s character traits. Since this is an exercise and there are more exercises to do now, I won’t be doing anything else with it. In my mind, I did see it as sort of culmination of issues between the 3 of them – Skyler and Trent, and Trent and Robert. And yes, if I was going to do something Skyler would leave Trent. Definitely won’t ever do anything with it though, as Hal said in the audio that all of the exercises he prompts belong to him!

😉

• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  Susan McClaryu. Reason: spelling
• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.

[Christi Falk]

Danielle – this is a lesson in elevating a prompt for me. Thank you!

The subtext was a bit off from the prompt but the interest techniques were used masterfully. He really was a decent guy who won an award. Trent was his actual son.

Its almost like nailing parallel parking but taking 3 more tries to pass your driving test. Speaking from personal experience. lol.

Can’t wait to read more!

[Christi Falk]

Does anyone have a scene by Roger Nelson? Lesson 9 talks about an email with it but I haven’t been getting emails.

[Susan]

Hi Christi, It’s in the 2nd part of Lesson 9. Mark the first part complete so you can get to the 2nd. Marked: Lesson 9: QE Cycle 2 Critique Scene

[Christi Falk]

Thank you Susan!

I should have known to go forward but I hated to mark something complete that I hadn’t done. Lol