Lesson 8

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Dialogue 1 + 2

What I learned doing this assignment is how to use Attack/Counterattack dialogue spices up scenes

SCENE (Before and After)

Before, the scene with Yelena talking to the FSB Operative, Oleg Yurchenko was civil. I changed it to Yelena taking umbrage at Oleg and him retreating. Works so much better now.

BEFORE

OLEG

It is not uncommon for an adult woman estranged from her birth mother to desire reconciliation. She may reach out to you. If she does, contact us at once.

YELENA

I know my civic duty.

OLEG

Of course, I intended no offense.

AFTER

OLEG

It is not uncommon for an adult woman estranged from her birth mother to desire reconciliation. She may reach out to you. If she does —

YELENA

I know my civic duty.

OLEG

Of course, I intended no offense.

[Jack Young]

Originally, I conceived of ways that Michael’s wife discovered or was told that her husband was having an affair. However, when outlining and writing the scenes, I decided that she was a smart woman and knew of the affair. It worked out better if she bantered back and forth her husband dancing around the truth. She uses her son to make him feel guilty and press the issue.

EXAMPLE 1:

Michael realizes that Nick is engrossed in it as he enjoys his morning cereal.

MICHAEL

You really think that’s appropriate

for a five year old? Turn it.

Michael moves to grab the remote that lies on the kitchen countertop but Diane snatches it before he can.

DIANE

It’s how the world is now. He

should know.

Michael rounds the counter to get the remote. Diane hides it behind his back as he reaches for it.

MICHAEL

He doesn’t need to know right

now.

Michael reaches behind her back, trying to grab it.

DIANE

So what do we tell him? That

everything is fine? Lie to him?

Like you lie to me?

Michael stops. That hit home. Nick heard it too.

NICK

Mommy, what did daddy lie

about?

Diane ignores Nick’s question and just stares at Michael. Michael doesn’t move, just returns her stare. After a moment…

DIANE

Ask your daddy.

NICK

Daddy, what did you lie about?

In the following example, the banter between Kristy and Michael exposes their relationship and how she’s betrayed Michael at work and really feels about their relationship.

EXAMPLE 2:

She sits anyway. Michael stares at the box on top of his car while he takes a gulp of his drink.

KRISTY

I brought your things from the

office. I took out the office

supplies.

Michael stares at the box as he finishes his drink.

KRISTY

Mr. Hildegraf was pissed about

the incident in the office. He

felt that it could have been

handled better.

MICHAEL

Let me guess, he made you the

new manager of the department.

KRISTY

Starting tomorrow morning…and

I plan to run it a lot more

efficiently.

MICHAEL

I’m sure you will. Before you

know it, there won’t be anyone

you haven’t thrown out of their

home.

KRISTY

What’s that supposed to mean?

MICHAEL

Nothing. I’m glad it’s you now.

I’m tired of being the one.

KRISTY

The one? The one?! You were

never the one. All you did was

sign paperwork. I was the one

that setup all the paperwork

so the board could approve it.

I made the bank millions. Me,

not you. I found a way to get

more repos than the bank could

ever have imagined. I grew that

department, not you.

Michael gives her a look of disgust.

MICHAEL

They’re not numbers, they’re

people. Hard working and good

people.

KRISTY

Give me a fucking break. They

didn’t pay, so we foreclosed.

MICHAEL

Yeah, with a little help from you

fudging numbers. That’s a crime,

you know.

Kristy glances at her watch.

KRISTY

Speaking of crimes, the FBI showed

up after you left with a warrant

for your arrest. They were delighted

when I informed them that your

favorite hangout was just down the

street. They should be here any

minute, sweetie.

MICHAEL

I don’t know what I ever saw in

you.

KRISTY

I tell you what you saw, an easy

bang. Something on the side

because your wife wouldn’t have

sex with you after she realized

what a loser you are.

Outside the lounger several black cars with tinted windows, pull up and park. Kristy notices.

KRISTY

Right on time. Looks like your

day is about to get a lot worse.

The banter between Michael’s mistress and Michael’s wife, Diane, shows the determination of Michael’s wife even though the marriage is in trouble.

EXAMPLE 3:

As Kristy turns and starts to walk away, Diane intercepts her, grabbing her by the arm and spinning her around.

KRISTY

Hey, lady, what’s your problem?!

DIANE

I’m not a fuckin’ lady. I’m his

wife.

KRISTY

Oh.

Diane leans towards her and takes a sniff.

DIANE

I know that perfume. I’ve

smelled it on his clothes at

least five times. That equals

five times you’ve slept with my

husband, slut.

KRISTY

It’s six. But who’s counting?

Diane slaps her hard.

DIANE

I am, bitch!

Diane turns and rushes out of the lounge as the ambulance, with its lights on, pulls away.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  Jack Young.

[George Petersen]

George Petersen – DIALOGUE 1 + 2

What I learned doing this assignment is the importance of conflict in bringing dialogue alive.

I tried pumping up Kate’s counterattack in this scene and I think it helped a lot.

Kate wants a job. Pinkerton doesn’t want to give it to her.

SCENE:

Pinkerton (40s) stands before a window, looking down on the hoopla below. He adjusts the curtains. He’s the kind of man who has to keep moving. A certain nervous energy always propels him.

How old are you?

That’s very young to be a widow.

That’s why I’m here, looking for employment. I want to be independent.

An independent woman… Do you have any skills? Have you been trained?

My husband supported me as an actress.

An actress? And how might that experience prepare you for secretarial work?

Mr. Pinkerton, I don’t want to be a secretary.

Pinkerton turns around, looks at her.

I want to be a detective.

Pinkerton walks over, takes his seat.

Miss Warne.

Kate.

Miss Kate, it grieves me to inform you that such a position does not exist. There is not, and never has been, a single woman detective in the whole country. If there were such a creature, I assure you I would know about it.

That’s because I would be the first.

Uh… the first what?

The first woman detective.

Pinkerton shakes his head and chuckles.

Miss Kate. I own and operate the first and largest detective agency in the country. I have many capable detectives. Why would I need another?

I don’t know. You placed the advertisement.

Kate places her torn copy of the want ad on the desk.

You need another detective, Mr. Pinkerton. The whole city of Chicago knows it. And I want to be that detective. I want to put my acting skills to work.

Acting skills? Miss Kate. My detectives come from all walks of life. Teachers, bankers, lawyers— even a former seminarian. But never an actor.

I was known as the chameleon, because I could melt into any role. That’s what you need isn’t it? A woman who could go places a man would never go, a woman who could worm secrets out of the wives and girlfriends of hard hearted men. Can your detectives get close to the wives and girlfriends of hard hearted men?

Pinkerton just looks at her for a moment, then walks back to the window.

There is such a case. The Adam’s Express case. Embezzlement. The wife may know where the money is hidden.

Pinkerton turns to face her.

Miss Kate. Can you find the money?

I can find it, Mr. Pinkerton. And I will find it.

[Eric Humble]

Eric Humble’s Dialogue 1 + 2

What I learned doing this assignment is: This was a great assignment that has really elevated my dialogue. I had some breakthroughs on my lead character, because applying the character traits to the script showed him to be unexpectedly passive and bland, so I’m going to do some elevation to the binge worthy framework and subsequently the pitch to really make his character stronger, more active, and a bit edgier. The attack/counterattack scenes really became stronger and tighter after using that process and the conflicts have become more pronounced.

Attack/Counterattack dialogue:

BEFORE:

INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

Jude emerges to see Catherine wandering amid the tables, wide-eyed and hysterical. She stops at each table to appeal.

CATHERINE

You must stop them! Good sir, surely you can see this is an absurd ritual! Madam, imagine it was your husband, I beg of you!

Jude, bewildered, rushes to her.

JUDE

Catherine! What is this? What’s going on?

She regards him as a stranger.

CATHERINE

Luther Penrose and the Albatross. The duel will commence at sunset. Can you stop them? Do you have any influence?

Jude is taken aback. She looks into his face with desperate hope — but zero recognition.

JUDE

Catherine…

CATHERINE

Do we know each other, sir?

Jude is stymied. She turns away from him, continues about the tables with rising hysteria.

CATHERINE

Does anyone have Lord Penrose’s ear?! This is his club! Someone must!

The manager approaches. Jude gently takes her by the arm to guide her away. But at his touch…

…she whirls and flips him with surprising agility. Jude crashes into a table. Plates and glassware go flying.

AFTER (VERSION TWO):

INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

Jude emerges to see Catherine wandering amid the tables, wide-eyed and hysterical. She stops at each table to appeal.

CATHERINE

You must stop them! Good sir, surely you can see this is an absurd ritual! Madam, imagine it was your husband, I beg of you!

Jude, bewildered, takes her shoulder, turns her toward him.

JUDE

Hey… Catherine! If you wanted dinner theater, I would have insisted on a cheaper restaurant.

She regards him as a stranger.

CATHERINE

You forget yourself, sir. I’ll thank you to unhand me.

Jude is taken aback.

JUDE

If this is a joke, it stopped being funny.

CATHERINE

You think this is a joke? You degenerate. The duel is imminent. Can you stop them? Do you have any influence over Luther Penrose or the Albatross?

Jude takes her by the wrist.

JUDE

Let’s get you checked out somewhere.

CHARACTER PROFILE DIALOGUE PASS: This pass really opened to my eyes as to how it made the character of Dres come alive. Her dialogue is much more engaging and subtext-oriented once I started stressing her “con artist/manipiulative” core traits. It also gave me some real breakthroughs on my lead character, Jude. I have to go back to the binge-worthy framework and then the pitch to elevate certain aspects of his profile, because adding his core traits to pilot script showed a lot of passivity in his character, more than I’d been aware of up to this point. I want to make him a more active, more morally-compromised character going forward.