Lesson 8

[Ronald Neustrom]

Logline – John is a bank manager who has been forced by federal agents to set-up his partners in a planned bank robbery.

Essence – Trying to persuade powerful, scary people to incriminate themselves to save yourself.

EXT. MOJAVE DESERT – HIGHWAY DINER – DAY

A SHERIFF’S SEDAN pulls into a hot, desolate parking lot. It’s well past 100 degrees and the sweat rings on DEPUTY SHERIFF NICK’s back have covered his fresh uniform. He’s not happy as he gets out and finds his way inside.

INT. MOJAVE DINER – CONTINUOUS

JOHN, late 20’s, looks like a puppy waiting in a corner booth. No one else is inside the old diner except for a MEXICAN COOK and a WAITRESS, in her late 50’s.
Nick reaches the booth.

NICK
Too damn hot.

JOHN
I needed you away from the others.

NICK
No one else gracious enough to drive this far… Look at this.
As he is sitting he pulls a BLACK PISTOL out of his holster.

NICK
Korean. Automatic. Illegal in this country. Let them son of a bitches tell what I can pack.

JOHN
I appreciate the time… but I’m not like you.

NICK
How’s that?

JOHN
I don’t have the whole department in my pocket. It’s me. Only me.

NICK
You need to get better at making friends.

JOHN
This is more than I’ve ever done…If I get caught my life is over.

NICK
I’m good for this. Don’t worry.

JOHN
Cops. Unions. Lawyers. You can probably wiggle out of this.
Waitress approaches. The mood changes.

WAITRESS
What are you having?

NICK
How about burger, soda?

JOHN
Same. Except gimme a draft.
The waitress grabs the menus.

NICK
I’ll get the check…

JOHN
That’s generous.

NICK
I’m a giver…that’s what they tell me…Did you finish the order?

JOHN
I’m just not sure…I got no one else. I like to keep my promises… especially to people I can trust. But you’re testing me. I don’t know. There’s a little voice inside.

As NICK turns away JOHN pushes something on his PHONE.

INT. MOJAVE DINER – BACKROOM – CONTINUOUS

TWO AGENTS are listening to John and Nick talking. They are RECORDING. Next to them are several AR15 RIFLES.

INT. MOJAVE DINER- CONTINUOUS

JOHN
What if I can’t change the numbers?

NICK
The other guys aren’t patient like me. I’ve seen them hurt people.

JOHN
Explain it to me again. I want to make sure I get it right.
Nick takes out A NAPKIN and WRITES something down. He slides it to John.

JOHN
400 K. You want me to order this much cash?

NICK
It’s a four way split. You order the cash every week anyway. Just say you were expecting a big order. A big event. Besides you’re the manager.

JOHN
I got that part…but after the hit you got the cash…What assurances do I have? How do I get my cut? I’m nervous here. Give me your word.

NICK
What can I do to build a bridge?

JOHN
I’m going to do it!! I deserve something to show for all my hard work. Ok. You’ll get me my cut. I want to trust you. Sometimes you just have to jump.

NICK
My guys are ready, but we’re not going until you put in the order. That way there’s enough to spread around.

JOHN
Ok…ok…but you promise…I need your word, I get my cut…

NICK
Did you order the cash?

JOHN
Your word.

NICK
I drove all the way out here didn’t I. I‘m buying lunch. I’ll will personally deliver your cut to you!

JOHN
Ok…

INT. DINER BACKROOM – CONTINUOUS

TWO AGENTS listening on the wire.

JOHN (O.S.)
I ordered the cash.

NICK (O.S.)
It’s done. We’re green on Wednesday. My colleagues never miss.

JOHN (O.S.)
Go early…You have to get all the way to the vault. They won’t have much in the drawers.

NICK (O.S.)
Just make sure the kitty is full… So you placed the order?

JOHN
I did it this morning.

INT. MOJAVE DINER – BACKROOM – CONTINUOUS

Two agents are GEARING UP. The are checking their weapons.

AGENT ONE
Ready. He said it’s a go.

AGENT TWO
Let’s take him.

They BURST into the main dining room GUNS drawn.
Nick is HOLDING John with a gun to his HEAD.

NICK
Stay back!

AGENT ONE
Put it down.

Nick moves toward the front door and gets outside. He forces John into the SEDAN as he peels away.
The TWO AGENTS are left in the doorway.

AGENT TWO
Call it in.

• This reply was modified 7 months ago by  Ronald Neustrom.
• This reply was modified 7 months ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Diane Keranen]

Ronald,
I this the version for feedback? Or is this the draft you’re revising. (These two different posting places has me all turned around.) I posted my feedback version to the Exchange feedback thread. 😐

[Ronald Neustrom]

This scene is a first draft (my scene in The Desert). …I also read your Scene QE 2 – At the race track. (Here is the feedback)
As we learn how to critique I hope I get better…As I hear Hal Critique look at the other scenes he seems to focus on the character traits and how well the scene reveals them and the entertainment techniques. That’s where I’ll go ; For John you’re overall scene design shows his distrust…you really nailed that trait in him…to work against his wife like that also showed a daring side to him. The other traits Loyal and Loner were not as well represented. Nick was confident, conniving in his overall design, rebellious in his marriage, but not very giving. The entertainment techniques used were suspense, major twist, big reveal, betrayal, superior position, more interesting setting. I think we all need to get better and bringing the emotion up a level at the right moments, but overall great effort. Thanks for letting me read it.

[Diane Keranen]

Thank you, Ronald. I knew I was missing a few traits, but wanted to keep pressing on. Thank you for your spot-on feedback.