Lesson 8

[Rita Roberts]

Rita's QE Cycle #2 – First Draft
What I learned:
-I think I missed Nick's positive trait of giving. Something for the rewrite. Also more on confident may be needed.
-The action and dialog tend to flow, or stay terse in John's case, keeping all the traits in mind. It's like I put it into an AI program in my brain or the collective field and out comes the scene.
-The info revealed itself at the end due to the traits.

LOGLINE: When John repairs the rotted boards on the church alter, he discovers Pastor Nick's dirty secrets.
ESSENCE: John's just there to use his carpentry skills but his distrust kicks in when Nick reveals some shady behaviors. He takes daring steps to expose this imposter.

INT. CHAPEL – DAY
JOHN (30s) assesses a panel of water damage on the church's ornately carved alter. Carpenter's equipment lays neatly on a tarp. He buckles his tool belt and kneels with crowbar ready to go.
NICK (50s) stands behind him to watch. He adjust the little rectangle of a white collar on his black shirt.
John stops mid-pry of a warped board to look over his shoulder.
JOHN
This is gonna take a while, don't let me keep you from your duties.
Nick moves to the alter and takes the communion chalice out of its gold and glass case.
NICK
I was just… this needs to be washed before Sunday. Will you be done by then?
He lays the crowbar back in its place in the row of tools. He stands tall and strong next to a smaller Nick with his far less physical vocation.
JOHN
Depends.
NICK
I mean, it's a big job for one person. Do you have a helper coming?
JOHN
Nope. Just me. Do you have a helper?
Nick points to bloody, broken body of Christ on the cross.
NICK
Just the big guy.
John opts for a less quiet sawzall.
JOHN
I work fast.
He flips the switch to fill the amplified space built for acoustics with a loud, electric whine.
NICK
(yells)
Oh my god! You're cutting that out?
Nick sighs and turns the saw off.
JOHN
Unless you'd prefer to cut out something else, yeah. I am.
NICK
It's just that…
Nick paces and manages to put himself between John and the moulding he was hired to replace.
John stands back to take in this behavior. His scrutiny turns up a notch with "keen observer" written all over his furrowed brow.
NICK
I mean, this wall has been here since 1892. And you're just going to… open it up?
JOHN
That's the plan.
Nick rearranges everything that isn't out of place. Open bibles, candlesticks, all the pristine, churchy stuff. It's a beginner's class in misdirection tactics.
John turns a page on the big Bible on the pulpit. As if to challenge Nick.
Nick pretends not to notice.
NICK
The ladies' guild will be here in an hour and they're not going to like all the noise.
John sweeps his hand toward staircase.
JOHN
Probably much quieter down there. The board hired me, this is the day they scheduled.
John turns back toward his work.
Nick grabs the flannel of John's work shirt.
NICK
The board didn't run this by me.
He stops. Backs up due to the look John gives him — not a guy who likes the laying on of hands.
Nick raises the sawzall, reminiscent of a weapon and turns it back on, defiant.
JOHN
(over the noise)
I guess the "big guy" okayed it.
He slides the buzzing saw through the old wood.
Nick darts around the alter, moves close to John's hulking back, reaches… thinks better of it.
He turns a circle, looks at the door. Looks like he might bolt.
John cuts a big hole outside the perimeter of waterlogged wood. Just doing his job.
Sweat drips off Nick's untanned forehead. He tugs at his choking collar. Fidgety is an understatement.
The saw noise reverberates through the chapel like four hundred dental drills boring into his brain.
He makes a break for it and sprints down middle aisle's red carpet.
A shaft of light emblazons twenty feet as the front door opens.
Five older women file in, block the door with confusion and worry, hit with noise and their beloved priest barreling toward them.
They form a defensive line far too formidable for this puny, puff-powder tight end.
He's trapped.
The saw noise stops.
Up at the alter, John reaches into the hole.
JOHN
Hello, ladies.
He stands and holds up two bricks of… puff powder.
Nick hides his face in his hands and darts through the side door.
The cry room is most appropriate.

[Mary Albanese]

Mary's QE Cycle 2, first draft
What I learned. This time it went faster. I did not go with my first idea, which was tame, I went with my second. Which was way more fun. I wrote dialogue based on character traits. I think I got them all in. I got in somel interest techniques, but didn't spend too much time on it. I will focus on seeing if I can add more interest techniques when I do the re-do.

INT. SPACE STATION – DAY?

NASA pilot JOHN sits at the helm. Co-pilot burley NICK (Nikita), Russian engineer, mans the co-pilot seat. They are the only two people aboard the shuttle.

A light flashes on the helm panel.

JOHN
It’s the aft section warning light, again. Probably another false alarm. But it should be checked.

NICK
I go check it.

JOHN
But you’ve been up 18 hours.

NICK
And you been on ship 100 days before I get here. American hero! No, I go, my friend. I can fix. It good for our friendship. More important — friendship between our two countries.

JOHN
Don’t tell me that’s your number one priority on this mission.

NICK
It is. My orders say. Why else you think they send ME?
(he laughs heartily)
If I can’t fix, no one can. You want me bring back snack?

JOHN
No, I’m fine.

Nick gets up and floats his big self out the command area.

John’s screen BEEPS. On it, Commander PIKE appears.

PIKE (ON SCREEN)
John. What’s your status?

JOHN
All good, except the aft electrical light went off. It’s been doing that. Nick just went to check it.

PIKE (ON SCREEN)
He’s not there? Good. Look, we have a situation. We’ve just learned that Russia is about to attack the US. Full scale war imminent. We need the Russian communication satellites disabled. And Nick would have the codes. I hate to say this, but whatever it takes…

JOHN
Understand. Shame. I was just starting to like the guy.

John flips a switch on his screen. On the screen he sees Nick chewing on a food bar as he closes the electrical panel.

JOHN
Ship to ship comm. Nick, how’s it going down there?

NICK (ON SCREEN)
False alarm. Am re-setting electrical panel now.

JOHN
Now it says the fault is with the emergency escape capsule.

NICK (ON SCREEN)
Panel says it’s good.

JOHN
INSIDE the escape capsule. Yeah, I know it’s a pain to get inside that thing, but…

NICK
No worries, I go do it.

On the screen, John sees Nick muscle open the capsule’s tiny round window/door. Then Nick prepares to squeeze his burly body through the capsule’s tiny portal door. It’s going to be a tight fit.

John sighs. And floats out the command section.

INT. AFT SECTION – DAY?
John floats into the aft section. He sees Nick’s legs awkwardly disappear into the escape capsule.

John launches himself to the capsule. He grips the round portal door… and SLAMS IT SHUT. Through the round portal glass window, he sees Nick’s shocked face as John locks him in.

NICK
John? What you do? Is this joke?

JOHN
No joke. Nick, I need the codes for the Russian communication satellite. Don’t say you don’t have them.

NICK
Let me out!

JOHN
Can’t do that, Nick. I really don’t want to do this, but I’m going to have to starve you until you give me those codes.

NICK
But we friends!

JOHN
My country comes first. They say a human body can go two weeks without food. But only two days without water. Don’t make me do this, Nick. Give me those codes. Do you really want to die in there, of hunger and thirst? Listening to your rumbling stomach as your organs shut down?

NICK
No. I don’t. I don’t want to be a traitor. But you give me no choice. The codes… they are…
xyz1238.

JOHN
Good. I really didn’t want to do it.

Nick sadly nods.

A loud HISSING sounds.

JOHN
What’s that?

NICK
The air. It’s venting from ship.

JOHN
How? We have to stop it!

NICK
“We?” Sorry, John. I control air-flow from in here. I hot-wired system. You could have just asked me, but I knew you would not. Distrust is your weakness.

JOHN
But you’re locked in! You’ll die, too!

NICK
I have drill.

JOHN
(gasps for air)
When… did you… set all that up?

NICK
First day on space ship.

JOHN
(gasps harder)
But your mission! To build trust between our countries!

NICK
My friend, I am Russian. You think Russian man follows every order?

Nick sadly watches through the round window as John chokes without air… and dies.

• This reply was modified 3 days, 17 hours ago by  Mary Albanese.

[Mark napier]

Scene Assignment 2: (First Draft)

What did I learn? I learned that a lot of preparation in understanding the scene setup comprises of many details that makes 2/3rds of the time is preparation and 1/3rd of the time is actually writing the scene.

SCENE: EXT – RAFFLES DOHA, SIX STAR LUXURY HOTEL – BALCONY – QATAR – DAY
DESCRIPTION: John (informant) agrees to meet in Nick (DIA agent) in his luxurious suite on the 35th floor of the ‘Six Star Luxury Hotel’ to discuss strange events that have placed his life in jeopardy and believes Nick may be on the verge of exposing him as an informant to the arms dealer, Akram.

SERIES OF SHOTS: The Katara Towers is known as the Lusail Kantara Twin Towers luxury hotel. An icon architectural landmark shaped like a crescent moon located in the Marina District of Lusail in Qatar. The room is luxuriously decorated with artwork, marble flooring and gold painted wood to reflect wealth. A butler is present for every four rooms at a guest’s beckoning call. John and Nick are standing outside on the inviting balcony at arm’s length from one another and are on the brink of a major knock down drag out fight that could end in death for one of them. (Interesting Setting)

JOHN

Standing with hands on hips leaning toward Nick as if about to tackle him.

I want to know who you really are working for? (Distrustful)

I got word from inside that Akram has a new guy working for him! (Intrigue)

BEAT

He’s aware that he has an informant inside his syndicate! (Intrigue) (Betrayal)

BEAT

I don’t know if he knows it’s me yet, but I hope for your sake it’s not true! (Distrustful) (Daring) (Betrayal) (Setup/Surprise)

This is why I like working alone…. It’s safer. (Loner)

NICK

Standing with his hands in front in a self-defensive stance, he speaks softly.

Nooooo!

Don’t lose it now because of a little pressure! (Giving) (Conniving)

JOHN

May I remind you I too have connections?! (Trick)

I recognized your secure phone number that was intercepted by NSA. (Distrustful) (Intrigue) (Setup/Surprise)

The transmission was from a syndicate-controlled area in Herat, Afghanistan at the time Akram was visiting. (Intrigue) (Setup/Surprise)

Are you a double agent? (Distrustful) (Loyal)

NICK

Smiling as if he has the perfect answer.

I just happened to be aboard a US military reconnaissance aircraft that was flying over the area. (Uncertainty – Hope/Fear) (Conniving)

I just so happened to also place a call coincidently at the time Akram was in the area. (Confident) (Uncertainty – Hope/Fear)

You are not the only one with connections! (Confident)

JOHN

His anger increasingly reflected in his body swaying back and forth.

Answer me this!!!

How did Akram know about the informant’s past trips to Qatar? (Uncertainty – Hope/Fear) (Suspense)

How did he find out that the informant is an Afghan orphaned refugee from the days of Soviet occupation?
(Uncertainty – Hope/Fear) (Suspense)

How did Akram learn information that you were privileged to? (Uncertainty – Hope/Fear) (Intrigue)

BEAT

Akram says he has someone on the inside! (Intrigue)
Meaning … the Intelligence Community? (Betrayal)

NICK

How does the syndicate know they have an informant in their midst in the first place? (Conniving) (Suspense)

JOHN

With an accusing facial expression. (Betrayal)

I asked my NSA contact to run your ops cell number. (Suspense)

They came up with an interesting connection to a senior Iranian Intelligence officer. (Intrigue) (Suspense)

BEAT

I am still waiting for more feedback. (Suspense)

Nick is visibly surprised. (Uncertainty – Hope/Fear)

And then I asked my CIA contact to run the bank accounts from the Akram’s finance guy we wrapped up a month ago in Europe. (Intrigue)

I tasked him to see if the 10 bank accounts loaded with millions the finance guy managed had links to offshore accounts with ties to accounts here in Qatar. (Setup/Surprise)

You seem to take a lot of trips to Qatar! (Betrayal) (Intrigue) (Suspense)

NICK

Look here!

The CIA may have assets operating in the area too who are reporting intelligence. (Conniving)

It could very well be one of theirs that is in the crosshair and not you! (Conniving) (Mislead/Reveal)

You are getting all bent out of shape for nothing. (Conniving)

JOHN

You could be right. But….

I took the initiative, however, to create two ‘night letter’ operations as red herrings. (Setup/Surprise) (Suspense)

I wanted to see if the syndicate reported what I fed to them back through to you directly … (Mislead/Reveal) (Intrigue)

… or if what I reported to you made its way back to Akram. (Mislead/Reveal) (Intrigue)

Would you like to know the results? (Intrigue) (Mislead/Reveal) (Suspense)

NICK

You’re about to tell me I made a mistake? (Setup/Surprise)

JOHN

Why Nick?

I was loyal to you and the cause…the mission! (Setup/Surprise) (Suspense) (Loyal)

Why did you do it? (Setup/Surprise) (Suspense)

NICK

You’re right! (Suspense) (Mislead/Reveal)

I did it for the money…the rush. (Rebellious)

I got tired dancing to everyone else’s’ tune. (Rebellious)

Your night letter op worked too good apparently.
(Showing his worst side) (Mislead/Reveal)

BEAT

JOHN

Up to this point Nick…. (Setup/Surprise)

I did not know…. I wasn’t completely sure it was you. (Mislead/Reveal)

I made the whole night letter operation up. (Major Twist) (Trick) (Daring)

John is standing nose to nose with Nick having just obtained the truth.

One of us is going over that balcony! (Daring)

NICK

Sarcastically, he slightly bows with a wave of his hand.

Please. After you! (Giving) (Conniving)

It’s just one loose end to tie up. (Confident)
FADE OUT

• This reply was modified 2 days, 13 hours ago by  Mark napier.
• This reply was modified 2 days, 13 hours ago by  Mark napier.
• This reply was modified 1 day, 18 hours ago by  Mark napier.

[Jeremy Kirk]

LOGLINE: Super cop John races home to find criminal junkie Nick holding his wife hostage.

ESSENCE: This is all about the negotiation between the characters.

What I learned? This time it took a little bit to come up with a scene. I think because the idea would be either at Act 1 of a script or Act 3 ending scene. either would have elements of story at play that would be shaping the scene. But I managed to churn something out.

EXT. JOHN’S HOUSE – NIGHT.
JOHN, a corrupt cop who lives life on the razor’s edge, busts down the door.
Standing in the living room is junkie ex-con, NICK, who holds a sawed-off double barrel shotgun to John’s wife’s head.
John stops when he sees the shotgun nestled against his wife’s ear.

NICK
Slow your roll J, anyone else joining the party?

JOHN
You know I work alone. This is between you and I, leave her out of it.

NICK
Who’s got the upper hand now! Make a move and we redecorate the living room.
John begins to laugh to himself. He holds up a hand to his mouth to cover it up.
The hostage, John’s WIFE looks concerned, even more so than before.
Nick’s eyelid twitches and he pushes the gun against her head.

NICK
What’s so funny?
John pulls his shit together.

JOHN
You picked the worst day to pull this off. Seriously.
Grinding his teeth, twitchy and confused, he spits out.

NICK
Your messing with me cop, trying some sort of mind game?

JOHN
Not at all. This morning I was served divorce papers.
He holds up his hand and slides it into his coat pocket and pulls out some papers. He tosses them on the table.

JOHN
Go ahead, read them.
Nick, get’s a better grip on the shotgun.

NICK
No you read em’.

JOHN
I already have. My wife, the one you have a gun against her head, wants a divorce. Which means I loose my house, part of my pension, and probably my dog.

NICK
The dog? Your going to take the man’s dog!

WIFE
I…I…

NICK
Shut up, no one wants to hear from you.

JOHN
So you see the quandary we’re in?

NICK
The quan…what?

JOHN
You have a hostage that you are threatening the life of – and well quiet frankly, I don’t care.
Nick pauses.

NICK
I’ll blow her head off man!

JOHN
Be my guest.

WIFE
John!

The wife is shaking with adrenaline and fear.

JOHN
Perhaps we can go about this another way.
Nick peers from behind the wife’s head.

JOHN
Perhaps I could shoot her?
The wife’s eyes bulge at this request.

NICK
Wait, you want to shoot her?

JOHN
Yeah, it’s the least I could do for taking the dog.

NICK
So, you want to shoot your own wife?

JOHN
Sure, I mean will an opportunity like this ever come around again? Think about it. I take a shot meant for you and hit her. It happens all the time in hostage situations.

NICK
Uh..ok..but what happens to me?

JOHN
You did me a solid, so you just run out the back. No harm no foul.

NICK
No way cop, how do I know you won’t shoot me in the back?

JOHN
You got a shotgun? Keep it trained on me as you make your escape. I’ll say I was overtaken with shock and grief at the death of my wife to give chase. Plus, I will be in the middle of life saving procedures.
John gives Nick a wink.

JOHN
Besides, you ain’t looking so hot. Sweating all over, pale skin. You need a fix. The sooner you let me shoot her, the sooner you can get your fix.
Nick licks his chapped lips.

JOHN
Look, you know I’m no saint. I’ve stolen money from drug dealers, been on the payroll for mobsters, and done my fair share of killing. You can trust me when I say the bitch has it coming.

NICK
You shoot her and we’re square?

JOHN
You have my word. Now, may I take out my pistol?

NICK
Yeah, but do it slow.
John slowly pulls his heavy revolver from the shoulder holster.

NICK
Okay, because your bitch of a wife is taking the dog, we’re going to do this. But we do it MY way!

JOHN
Whatever you say hoss.
Nick starts to step away from the petrified wife.

JOHN
Hold on there. I need you to hold her while I shoot. Can’t have her running away with multiple bullets in her. The ballistics needs to look clean.
Nick nods in head in understanding and plants the shotgun to her head and stands behind her.

JOHN
You ready?
Nick gets a yellow toothed smile.

NICK
Yeah, shoot the bitch.
John raises the pistol, squints one eye and –

JOHN
You might want to move your head out of the way.
Nick pulls his head back from behind the wife’s and –
BAM!
A fist sized hole punches through his head, he drops.
John rushes over and takes his wife in his arms, with his gun trained on the downed Nick, leads her out.
With tears and snot running down her face, she looks at John.

WIFE
Fine, you can keep the dog.

• This reply was modified 13 hours, 16 minutes ago by  Jeremy Kirk.