Lesson 8

[Ed Lusk]

Ed’s Elevated Story Beats.

What I learned from this assignment is Hal’s mantra ” Different is not Better” sticks to the back of my mind while writing. I struggle with am I writing something truly better or just different? Using the lesson questions, helps to answer and identify if I am improving quality or not.

Three Scenes to Improve & Purpose:

7. E6. INT. AIRPLANE – NIGHT

Purpose of the scene is two fold: to elevate Merchant’s helplessness and guilt feelings over a past event and to illustrate Father Merchant’s more deeper emotional relationship with his assistant, Olivia.

Goals: More emotion, unique situation, more extreme.

24. E5. INT. APARTMENT OF CARDINAL MICHELET – NIGHT

Purpose of the scene is to reveal Cardinal Michelet has an allegiance with the vampires and the consequences for success or failure of the deal.

Goals: Improve set up, change setting, unique situation, elevated intensity.

39. E4. EXT. VATICAN GARDENS – NIGHT

The purpose of this scene is showing the vampires are on the rampage, striking at victims within Vatican much to Michelet’s knowledge & complacency.

Goals: introduce set up/punchline, introduce emotion & surprise

7. E6. INT. AIRPLANE – NIGHT (BEFORE)

Olivia sleeps peacefully. Merchant is does not, we get a glimpse of younger Merchant in a creepy abandoned church. At his feet the the body of a women, assaulted, bloody. Merchant awakens to the blue of the Mediterranean outside the jet’s window and a concerned Olivia.

7. E6. INT. AIRPLANE – NIGHT (AFTER)

The passengers sleep in darkened cabin somewhere over the Atlantic. Mid-Cabin, Olivia, sleeps peacefully. Her head on Merchant’s shoulder.

Merchant is a tussle of nerves. We see his dream. We’re in the plane. Lightning flashing. The plan is empty except for Merchant and Olivia. They gossip and giggle until Merchant’s face transforms from joy to terror at the sight of a figure . A man, menacing, proceeds down the aisle. The glint of a knife in his gloved hand.

Merchant freezes in fear. Olivia is screaming as the man snatches her out of her seat. She’s dragged down the aisle. We don’t hear her, as she screams, SIMON, over had over. Behind Merchant, they enter the restroom, door slammed shut.

Merchant has a grip on the armrest like he’s glued to them. His helplessness measured in beads of sweat. Somewhere his name, Simon, is being called loud enough to rouse him.

Merchant awakens. The cabin bathed in Mediterranean sunlight. From Merchant’s delirium, the tender face of Merchant’s mother emerges. Confuses rains down again as her face transforms to Olivia’s worried look.

He exhales his confusion and his relief. Olivia softly squeezes his hand.

24. E5. INT. APARTMENT OF CARDINAL MICHELET – NIGHT (BEFORE)

Cardinal Michelet feasts on bloody meat. His curtains blow open and he freezes on mid-bite. Before him stands Yofiel, leader of the vampires. He’s the same figure the boy from the parade saw earlier. Yofiel reminds Michelet that if he wants to be the next Pope, he needs to stop the trials and get O’Hara to come through with a vaccine that allows vampires to exist in the daylight. A must needed step for them to take over the world.

24. E5. INT. VATICAN KITCHEN – NIGHT (AFTER)

Industrial kitchen, stainless steel everywhere where. Pots and utensils hang from racks above. Cardinal Michelet is on the prowl for a snack, opening cupboards and refrigerators. Tossing out the makings of a sandwich on wood butcher block table.

His dourness magnified as he watches a cockroach scurry towards a drain. He stomps his foot missing it. From the drain more cockroaches emerge. Then more and more until thousands build up into a demonic form, seven feet tall. It is Yofiel, the same cloaked creature who frightening the boy in the parade.

Michelet eyes one of the big knives hanging on the wall then thinks the better of it. Yofiel, using his power, floats the knife off of the rack, holding it tight against Michelet’s throat. Yofiel’s tormented by the potential for fresh blood over delivering his message.

Michelet agrees to Yofiel’s terms: Deliver Merchant to him and stop the trials. If Successful he will be rewarded with the papacy. Failure and he’ll join the rest of the cockroaches for life.

Yofiel returns to tower of cockroaches collapsing down the drain. The knife falls from Michelet’s throat stabbing into the butcher block a sliver away from his hand. Unfazed, Michelet goes about making his sandwich.

39. E4. EXT. VATICAN GARDENS – NIGHT (BEFORE)

Two priests out for a stroll, there’s a rustling behind the hedges. Next thing they are on the run through the bushes chased by vampires and succumb to their attack.

39. E4. EXT. VATICAN GARDENS – NIGHT – (AFTER)

A young priest sits alone on a bench. His head swivels around at the slightest sound: twitch of branch, warble of a starling, crunch off of footstep on the gravel path. His shoulder’s relax at the sight of a seminarian innocently emerging from the shadows.

The two survey their surroundings, assured they are alone, they kiss, and crow at their brazenness. They’re not alone. They are being stalked by something beyond the hedge identified only by a snarl and hiss.

Panic drips across their faces. They retreat down the path into darkness.

Before they hug goodbye a vampire slices through he hedge. Its fangs dripping with salvia inches from them. The seminarian’s scream is silenced by the deep bit. Blood squires across the priest’s face.

The priest runs off, tripping, falling at the feet of a Cardinal Michelet, looking down with stern consternation. The young priest scream at the Cardinal to run. Before he can comprehend, the vampire is on the priest while Michelet turns his back and walks away.

[Michael Williamsen]

Scene #7 2nd version is much more vivid. Also longer. Very different from the first version. I would be concerned how the new version fits in the story with the dreams – do the dreams have any relevance in the story such as a clue, revelation, setup etc.

#24 new version had me on the edge of my seat! Very visual. I might change that he pulls out packages of processed meat throwing them to the floor choking in disgust until he finds a bloody-almost still beating steak. Is there any other mention of cockroaches?

#39 2nd edition really has some visual going! Lots of unexpected action. VERY good scene!!

• This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  Michael Williamsen.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  Michael Williamsen.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  Michael Williamsen.

[Ed Lusk]

Thanks Michael, good stuff. Appreciate it. I’m not sold on using dreams scenes – yet. They can be a cliche. They are tied to Father Merchant’s back story. He became a priest, partly out of guilt because his mother was sexually assaulted and died. It was her dying wish that Simon find peace and forgiveness. His character is conflicted over his priesthood pledge as well as using science to cure vampirism. So, good point, I need to make all this more relevant and pay-off.

My work is an adaptation of another’s work ( a web series) , so I’m walking a thin line keeping within his original text yet telling the story cinematically.

Yofiel get’s around via cockroaches, it his thing. There’s an earlier scene when he first appears with the same method. Similar in The Mummy, he used scarabs once to transform.

Cool idea about the raw steak, much more visceral than the lunch meat! I’m using it 😉

[Michael Williamsen]

I grew up the son of a Lutheran Minister. I’m not so sure joining the “clothe” is the path to peace and forgiveness.🤣

[Michael Williamsen]

WIL: I have been a 3×5 cards-on-the wall to arrange my scenes in the three-act play for fiction. The problem with the cards is that each act may have several beats. Having a beat sheet solved this. I found I could (in my Movie Magic Screenwriter 6 program) make a note for each beat and then print out just the notes out of the script (see below). It would be nice if it could also include the scene title. But then as Michaelangelo said, “Lord, please always give me the ability to want more than I can achieve.”

I will clean this up with another pass.

Page 1

Thug exits gets zipped after bar

Page 2

Strangler is serial killer

Page 3

VICTORIA TAKES LUCY FROM MIKE at beach

Page 4

CONFLICT between Mike and Bob over Victoria

Page 7

SUNSET CRUISE DATE Bob swoons Victoria

Page 9

Mike LUCY knife in hidden vault

VICTORIA FINDS GUN VAULT ih basement

Page 10

VICTORIA WANTS TO SELL HOUSE ITEMS introduce mansion

VICTORIA DISCOVERS WEAPON VAULT

Page 11

BOB makes MAYOR an offer he shouldn’t refuse

Page 14

KIDNAPPING cage SCENE #1 taking girls

Nice car at kidnapping cage (bobs car)

NEWS Channel Intro serial killer BOB DOMINATES VICTORIA and

Jimmy on tv reveals serial killer suspect MAY BE MIKE

Mike shoots dart

Page 15

Mayor resists Bob at party in penthouse

Bob reveals his girls

Page 16

Bob Mike face off over Victoria and 10 most wanted

Page 18

MAYORS WIFE FINDS PHOTOS OF PARTY

Page 19

ZIPTIE KILLING – SHORT

VICTORIA ACCUSES MIKE OF TAKING LUCY DEPUTY

DEPUTY JIMMY ANALYSES CRIME SCENE – SHOWS HIS KILLER KNOWLEDGE

Page 22

MIKE AND DAVE GO FOR A RIDE

MIKE AND DAVE RIDE 2

Page 23

BOBS PARTY #2 MAYOR can’t resist young girl

News introduces ZIP TIE STRANGLER

Page 24

MAYOR joins Bob in kidnapping/sex slave

Page 27

Clue Joe is in with Dave

Clue 2 Dave and Joe are up to something

SKINHEAD THUG 2 GETS ZIPPED skinned

Page 28

Know what the movie is about. Pg 30

VICTORIA accuses Mike of taking Lucy

Victoria sees top 10 on Mike’s wall – presumes he is killing

suspects – now has news story

Page 29

SEMI TRUCK TRAILER SWITCH apparent full of victims

NEWS Jimmy defends Mike over accusations – subtext that he

is lying

Page 30

THUG skinned- reporter gets One shot – one kill statement

Page 31

Introduce RICARDO TO the rescue

Page 32

NEWS reports One shot one kill quote from Mike

Page 32 (Continued)

MIKE AND JIMMY FACE OFF in coffee shop – hostile subtext

Clue Mike has cancer

Page 34

MIKE shows Victoria MD report of cancer

Victoria believes Mike did not take daughter Lucy

Page 35

Introduce Anasatia – Bob’s new book-keeper biz manager

Page 37

NEWS Public support ziptie strangler

Mayor defends Mike- Mike is pleased

Victoria discovers sweater from Bob is too big for Lucy –

clue he is lying about something

Page 38

Victoria steals file of kidnapping evidence from Bob

Page 41

Victoria gives evidence Bob is kidnapper to Mike

Page 42

First turning point ACT II

Page 43

Mike gives evidence Bob is kidnapper to Mayor

Mayor makes call to meet at bar (to Mayor)

Page 44

Bob plays narcissist to convince Victoria he was going to

give the file to give to Mike to catch kidnappers

Page 45

Mid-Point

Victoria hears Mike explain serial killing as copycat

Victoria senses Mike may be serial killer

Clue Victoria and Dave have a connection

Page 45 (Continued)

Dave fixes Victorias purse with a ziptie ZzzziP! They

exchange glances

Page 47

Victoria finds kidnapping photos in Dave’s apartment. Dave

enters.

Joe steps out of a dark shadow

Page 49

Mike takes Dave to airport to send to Mexico

Dave is killed in bathroom

Page 50

Mike calls Police Chief Ricardo – no answer

Page 51

Ricardo is dead – Mike feels hopeless

Mayor announces kidnapper raid

Ricardo and Dave funeral

Page 52

School buses hijacked

Mike tells Mayor buses hijacked.

Mayor makes call- we go tonight

Mike and Victoria spend the night together

Mayor announces raid on kidnapper and serial killer

Page 53

Cops raid Dave’s apartment – empty

Mayor announces Deputy Dan as new sheriff

Victoria escaped through the secret closet

SWAT team raid Mike’s apartment- arrest Mike

Page 54

Mike escapes with Joe’s help.

Page 55

Joe drives Mike away from crime scene

Page 56

Bob gets gun

Page 57

Bob on phone with Victoria, takes credit for catching

kidnappers and Mike arrest

Bob tells victoria he is saving her house for her at the

foreclosure auction

Bob tells Victoria he has a lead on Lucy’s location

Victoria now picks up phone believing Bob

Victoria agrees to meet – Bob caresses his gun

Page 58

Mike escapes from Joe’s car

Mike sets up house foreclosure scam

Page 59

Dan kills a ziptied culprit

Page 60

Mike sits across from Victoria’s house – she sits on the

porch – a solemn moment before the storm

Victoria’s house at foreclosure auction – Dan

Page 61

Victoria’s house at foreclosure auction Bob

Victoria’s house at foreclosure auction Mayor

Mike shoots Deputy Dan

Page 62

Victoria at house. Everything is gone.

Victoria hears from Mike’s doctor he is dying soon

Page 63

Victoria lies to Mike about his cancer killing him, that she

just inherited the money to save the house

Page 64

Bob finds Mike is going to a certain coffee shop

Page 65

Mexican Gangsters have weapons – recruit men

Page 66

Mike enters coffee shop

Bob enters coffee shop – once again tries to recruit Mike

Page 68

NEWS announces border guards killed in an ambush

Mike calls Victoria, to be EXTREMELY QUIET

GANGSTERS RAID ANOTHER WAREHOUSE

Page 69

Mike and Bob bare all secrets

Bob reveals he has Lucy – Victoria screams

Bob shoots Mike

Page 71

Bob tries to escape – killed by Gangsters

Kidnapped children are saved at warehouse

More kidnapped children are saved at warehouse

Page 72

RESOLUTION

Mayor thinks he now owns Victoria’s house

Page 73

Victoria’s house explodes with MAYOR – eliminate with

alternate ending

Victoria has escaped to a beach

Anastasia joins her with Lucy

Joe approaches them…

They all hug, Joe and Anastasia kiss deeply

Victoria takes off the ziptie from her purse ZzziP!

We find Joe is Victoria’s cousin and Anastasia’s boyfriend

They have $4.5MM from the scandalous sales of Victoria’s

house

Anastasia has cleaned out Bob’s accounts for $730MM

Page 74

Alternative END- Mayor turns out to be kingpin of human

trafficking ring – needs setups, clues, mis

[Ed Lusk]

There’s a lot going on, given the abbreviated format the story’s choppy, however there is action and intrigue. Is this considered Victoria’s story, or is this story more of an ensemble cast? If Victoria is the main character protagonist, try to emphasize her point of view more as her decisions and problem solving are driving the story and producing the drama.

Structure point, there is a note; “we know what is going on Page 30.” Actually we should know what’s going on by page 10. Given all your character’s agendas and relationships, that a bugger, but not impossible, task.

[Michael Williamsen]

Ed, great question. The story before this class was Sheriff Mike was the hero trying to uncover the serial killings of his kidnapping suspects, Billionaire Bob Boyfriend of Victoria who turns out to be the attorney of the kidnapping ring. Victoria is caught in the middle with a missing daughter.

The new version will have leave us with the revelation Victoria manipulated both Mike and Bob enlisting the Mexican mob to recover the kidnapped children, her daughter, and stay alive.

Another layer of the story is there is a human trafficking ring which is supplying victims to Bob. Mike’s best and most trusted friend Mayor (the city mayor) is actually connected with the trafficking ring (with clues and setups all along) which we discover in the last scene for the profound message. I have two authorities on human trafficking for back story etc.

I started this script in the Pro78 course, Profound Script, Character Development, Dialog… last year so I have an unruly amount of possibilities echoing in the empty chambers of my skull.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  Michael Williamsen.

[Ed Lusk]

Got it, I like the development you put forth. Indeed the heart of the story is more about the human trafficking slant where Mike’s the center of it all and less about him solving the serial killer mystery mode. I think you’ll get more emotional bang for you buck with focus on victims, betryaals and double crosses etc. The triangle of Mike, Victoria, and Bob still works so as Mike is the one doing the juggling, if it is indeed his story being told.