Lesson 8

[David Wickenden]

David Wickenden Dialogue 1 + 2

What did I learn from doing this assignment?

I do like the attack/counterattack technique. The samples really helped to bring this home.

I had banter already in my draft. However, I tried to tighten it up.

Original

IAN

Okay, Janice, what’s bothering you. I’ve never seen you flinch from a case.

Janice takes a deep breath.

JANICE

Look, Inspector, I get it. This has politics written all over it. But I have twenty-four open cases, some of them time sensitive. Goddard is dead and although what happened is wrong, nothing we expose will bring him back. I have children who are in harm’s way and could suffer if I drop the ball on any of those cases.

IAN

Is there no one in your command that could take over your role for a while?

JANICE

Normally, I wouldn’t have an issue, but my division is short. I have three out on maternity or paternity leave, and another four on stress leave. The issues is we’re not getting any back-filling of personnel. I’ve had no choice but to take an active role in some investigations.

Woods nods and contemplates his hands.

IAN

I appreciate your situation. But your name came from higher up. This could be your only chance to move up. People are watching you.

Janice shows surprise at his admission.

JANICE

(nods)

I’ll try to move some cases around, so I’m ready for you, but I’ll need a week.

Ian nods.

JANICE

I’m worried that this might just be the start. The way the public is reacting to Goddard’s death, I don’t see this be an isolated event.

Afterwards

WOODS

You heard about Goddard.

She shrugs.

JANICE

We’ve all heard. So what?

He stares at her, surprised at her callous answer.

WOODS

His death has stirred up a lot of political interest. You were front and center on that investigation. Any ideas who might want him dead?

Janice looks at him like he’s grown another head.

JANICE

It’s more like, who didn’t want him dead.

She holds up her hand and starts counting fingers.

JANICE

He molested a pile of hockey players with promises of reaching the NHL.

Another finger.

JANICE

He never showed any regret. If anything, he expressed rage that anyone would question his actions.

A third finger.

JANICE

There were over three hundred death threats. None were ever traced enough to press charges.

Fourth.

JANICE

We have no idea just how many victims were out there. And there were the rumors that he had taken digital films of the actual rapes, although they have never surfaced.

Her thumb stood with the other fingers.

JANICE

And finally, his sentencing was a joke. Even after it was reviewed, he served less than a tenth of what he should have served.

Wood nodded with each of her comments.

WOODS

But murder is still murder.

Janice leans back in her chair, truly frustrated.

JANICE

Maybe so, but I’m with Child Exploitation, not Homicide.

(beat)

What am I really here for?

The Superintendent grimaces as he knows he must divulge his real intent.

WOODS

The powers-to-be want to see how you handle a political case. Your arrest record has attracted attention. There are plans to move you upward if you can work as a team player and perform.

Janice bows and holds her head. She sighs.

JANICE

Look, I have no interest in rising any farther than I have. I’m where I always want to be. I’m making a difference.

Woods nods.

WOODS

I know, Janice. And I’ve told my superiors, but they have already made their decision. They are putting together a task force and you are part of it.

Janice makes a fist and looks like she is ready to strike out. Woods leans back.

JANICE

Listen boss, I need you to run interference for me. We’ve just made a breakthrough with the abducted kids from Northern Ontario and there is no way I can drop the ball on this one. We mess this up, a fourth child could die.

He stares at her as if judging if she’s telling him the truth. He nods.

WOODS

One week. That’s all you have.

This time her fist pumps, expresses her happiness.

JANICE

Thanks for having my back. You won’t regret it.

WOODS

Make sure I don’t.

4. Went through the pilot and used the profile to adjust my MC’s dialogue so that it reflected her character. Seems to be more on point, but she’s hiding a major secret that the audience learns early, but her best friend and nemesis doesn’t for a while. So, there isn’t much change until she can speak freely.

[David Thompson]

Module 4, Lesson 8

David Thompson’s Dialogue 1 + 2

What I learned doing this assignment is that I am apparently ahead of the curve. I have always used dialogue in this manner – even with my first cartoons while in Jr High (Middle School nowadays). Dialogue attack-counter attack, and developing the character via dialogue.

So, it was time for this pass in the pilot draft, draft 3 now.

A complete rewrite of a hallway scene between the MC and his boss, then picked up the same when our MC talks to his partner. Dan saw something no one else saw. Is he going crazy? WE know he isn’t as the person he saw was supernatural. You know, show, not tell, so I have multiple scenes without dialogue. I continued along that line of revision and totally rewrote almost all the scenes with dialogue, then I started cutting unneeded lines, just to add subtext. (That’s probably a later assignment).

Here’s a rewritten scene – going from where Gaia is a bystander to taking a more direct role in the scene, and I ramped up with conflict between the two Furies. (All formatting lost, tho). Entire purpose of this bit was to develop the characters and lay the foundation for our main season one plot.

The air shimmers and a brief breeze blows.

Tisiphone appears in mid-stride.

She kneels and joins Gaia at the edge of the garden.

GAIA

Good morning, dear!

TISIPHONE

Delfina says “hi”.

GAIA

Wonderful! How is she doing these days?

TISIPHONE

Getting older. And as obscure as possible.

GAIA

That’s right. Oracles tend to be a bit cryptic.

TISIPHONE

Cryptic? How about obtuse?

GAIA

Is this all you needed to talk about?

TISIPHONE

Megaera had her target almost escape.

Megaera appears.

MEGAERA

Yes, almost is the key phrase.

TISIPHONE

You’re slipping.

MEGAERA

Go screw your horse.

GAIA

Dears, please. Is the petitioner satisfied?

MEGAERA

I didn’t stick around to find out.

TISIPHONE

She was seen.

MEGAERA

Yes, and not on purpose. I need to know how he spotted me.

GAIA

A mortal spotting you isn’t unusual. There are plenty of humans who can see us. Cats and dogs see us all the time.

MEGAERA

I’m talking about a damned cop, not a damned cat. He’s pushy! Arrogant!

TISIPHONE

Just your type.

MEGAERA

What part of fuck right off are you not understanding!

TISIPHONE

These things never end well for the mortal.

MEGAERA

Not as bad as your history! At least I let them live…

Gaia silences both by waving her hand.

GAIA

Please, you’re upsetting the bees. Take this discussion inside.

[Wayne Petitto]

Wayne’s Dialogue 1 + 2

What I learned doing this assignment is that you cannot take for granted you’ve got everything covered as much as it can be. There is always so much more you can do.

Pick three scenes and rewrite them using Attack/Counterattack dialogue.
Select one and give us a Before and After on how that changed the dialogue.
Before: The scene was to show how Desae’s betrothed was killed by the planet’s security force for gathering “Believers” in Logran (God).
After: shows how the one who killed Desae’s betrothed was Amixmu who will also be the one searching for the “alien invader” in future scenes. It develops the drama of this moment in Desae’s life and her dreadful hate for Amixmu. This is done with just a short exchange between them as he arrests her.

Before: Most of the banter between Bob the Launch Control Officer and Mike was light and reviled a little about Mike.
After: The banter between them held a lot of subtext and direct meaningful and appropriate insight into Mike’s life, character, and intentions.

Before: Desae’s reasons for believing that God (Logran) sent Mike for her were not well developed or defined.
After: Desae shares with Nome that when she was pulling Mike from the spaceship, she heard Logran’s voice say, “Love Mike.” [We will find out in subsequent episode that it was HAL using the only word he’s deciphered from listening to Romali music.

Take one lead character and check every line for consistency with Character Profile.
Tell us how that improved the character’s dialogue.

Since I’m constantly aware of keeping dialogue unique to the character’s profiles, running everything through while constantly crosschecking profile information helped me fine tune the attributes I want to highlight for the situations as they go along.

This pilot involves potential lovers separated by culture, language, and origins 6.2-lightyears-apart. Therefore, there is very little dialogue between them. However, their dialogue with others provides many opportunities to demonstrate their unique characters prior to their epoch meeting in the penultimate scene.