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Lesson 8
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27 Replies
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LOGLINE: John comes to take his girlfriend home after he finds her gone.
ESSENCE: Nick’s daughter flees relationships when her problems come to the surface.
INT. NICK’S HOUSE – DAY
Nick (50’s), dirty and unkempt, a beer in his hand and a cigar hanging from his mouth, slouches on the couch.
The door CRASHES open and JOHN (20’s) smartly dressed, storms in the room with an angry scowl on his face, startling Nick, who drops his cigar in his lap and fumbles to keep from burning himself.
JOHN
Where is she?
NICK
You ain’t go no right to come storming in another man’s home. Get your ass out of here.
Nick stubs his cigar out on a plate, littered with bread crust and a bone from some long ago lunch.
JOHN
I’m not going anywhere without Shelly. Where is she?
Nick sits back and calmly sucks on his beer, smiling.
NICK
Obviously not with you. What did you do to make her want to run?
JOHN
Me? I didn’t do anything to her, you sick freak.
NICK
Sick freak?
(raises his eyebrows)
That’s a bit harsh, isn’t it.
JOHN
Don’t play dumb with me. You know damn well what I mean. A father who beats up his own daughter. A sick freak.
Nick laughs and takes another swig. A fragile girl, SHELLY (19), covered in bruises, slinks in and stands timidly behind her dad.
NICK
Is that what she told you? She lied to get away from you.
JOHN
She didn’t lie. She’s covered in bruises. Come on, Shelly. You’re going with me.
Nick rumbles to his feet, holding his beer bottle by the neck, like a weapon.
NICK
I don’t think so punk. Go ahead, Shelly. Tell him.
SHELLY
(looking down miserably)
That’s right. I’m okay. I moved back home.
JOHN
Bull. She already told me you hit her. You had no right to force her back here, while I was gone. You don’t have to cover for him, Shelly.
Nick LAUGHS spontaneously, beer spraying from his nose.
NICK
She told you I hit her? Good one. And you believed her?
JOHN
Of course, I believed her. Why wouldn’t I?
Shelly shifts uncomfortably.
NICK
Maybe because you’re a controlling son of bitch and she’s afraid of you. Maybe that’s why she wanted to come home.
JOHN
That’s not true. I love her.
(to Shelly)
I love you. I would never hurt you.
NICK
Oh, please. Spare us the tears. You tell her where to go and what to do. You isolate her from friends and family. You try to own her. That’s not love.
JOHN
No. That’s not true, Shelly. I do love you.
(to Nick)
Stop trying to twist this around. Bruises don’t lie.
NICK
What a moron. You don’t even know her. Haven’t ever wondered why she never gains weight, when she eats as much as you do? You’ve never seen her happy one moment, and find her crying in the bathroom later? She’s bulimic and she hates herself. You’re a moron if you haven’t figured it out.
SHELLY
Dad…
NICK
No. It’s about time you take responsibility. I don’t want to be your scape goat anymore.
JOHN
Stop talking about your own daughter like she’s not even here. Shelly? Let’s go, Baby. You don’t have to deal with this.
Nick laughs when Shelly stands rooted to the floor. He picks up his cigar and lights it again.
JOHN
Are you listening Baby? Let’s get out of here. Don’t be afraid of him. I’m right here.
Nick sends a puff of smoke spiraling to the ceiling. He smiles as Shelly nervously shifts her feet, looking at the floor.
NICK
Yes, Shelly. Go with the boyfriend. I don’t have to take you in every time you fall back into your old habits. Maybe John loves you enough to not feel disgusted when you self harm.
JOHN
Self harm. That’s a crock. Why would she do that?
NICK
I don’t know. Why do you do that Shelly? The boyfriend wants to take you home…so go.
Nick sits back down and leans back, crossing his legs.
JOHN
Shelly?
(off Shelly’s guilty look)
What’s happening here? Is any of this true?
NICK
Go on, Shelly. You want to keep telling people that I’m abusing you? Go with the boyfriend. The way he controls you now…it won’t be much of a stretch for people to think he’s the one beating on you.
Shelly glances at John, a tear welling up.
SHELLY
I’m sorry, Dad.
JOHN
Now wait just a minute. Shelly. Is any of this true?
Shelly nods miserably.
JOHN
If you don’t want to be with me, just say so.
NICK
Oh, come on man. Don’t let a little thing like self harm make you nervous. She’s not crazy. Just a little high strung. You young-uns go ahead and go home. I’m sure you can figure this out.
JOHN
I didn’t know any of this. Shelly? If this is true…maybe you should stay with your family awhile and get some help. We could take things a little slower if you’d like.
NICK
Oh, no. Shelly. He says he loves you. I reckon you can get counseling with him as easy as here. Get your stuff together and head on out.
JOHN
Wait. It sounds like she needs…more than I can give her at my place.
Nick lumbers to his feet.
NICK
Are you dumping my girl, now? After storming in here and demanding to take her?
JOHN
No. No. I’m just trying to keep her in a place that she can get the help she needs.
NICK
Sounds to me like you’re dumping her. Maybe someone ought to teach you some manners about how to treat a girl.
John backs toward the door.
JOHN
No disrespect. Let’s get her some help and take it from there. I just need to think. I’ll…
He turns and scurries out the door.
JOHN (O.S.)
…check in on her soon.
Shelly perches herself sadly on the side of her father’s chair.
SHELLY
Do you think I’ll ever find anyone to understand me?
Nick opens his shirt to reveal a bruised torso. He punches himself in the stomach.
NICK
Sorry, baby. I handled that badly. I pushed him to find out how deep his feelings are. I didn’t mean to upset you more.
He holds out his arm and karate chops it viciously. He GROANS.
NICK
I shouldn’t get frustrated with these young men. They just don’t understand people like us.
Shelly doubles her fist and slams it into her own shoulder. She GROANS. A tear trickles from her eye.
SHELLY
I always handle relationships badly. It’s not your fault dad.
She doubles both fists and starts pummeling her thigh.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by Brenda Boddy.
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I’m not getting “daring” or “loyal” from John more “cowardly” and “disloyal”.
Where is Nick’s “giving” nature?
I’m not sure I’ve understood Essence – this seems like another logline?
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This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by Jeremy Cooke.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by
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This is very dramatic, got glued to it. I think the arc works, from stand-off to Nick and Shelly beating themselves. Interest Techniques fit well: “surprise,” “twist,” “suspense,” and “intrigue” (between Nick & Shelly against John).
John is “loyal” up to a point. Not sure if we got “loner” but “daring” and “distrustful” are there. Maybe Shelly is his first live-in girlfriend and he’s been a loner all his life??
Nick is Confident, Conniving, Rebellious, and perhaps Giving re Shelly
But perhaps some of these traits could come out more.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by
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Jack”s Face to Face Standoff Scene
LOGLINE: Nick plays John a game of chess in order to get computer files from him
ESSENCE: Nick must get the computer files from Nick in order to save his own life
EXT. MANSION – DAY
At the magnificent wooden front door of a beautifully-landscaped mansion, NICK (30’s) looks around, impressed with the surroundings, KNOCKS.
INT. MANSION ENTRYWAY – DAY
A grand entryway with large crystal chandelier and double circular stairway.
PABLO (40’s), a thick-chested tough hombre in a suit, opens the door, lets Nick in, but puts an arm across Nick’s chest as he closes the door, restraining him from moving forward.
Pablo frisks Nick thoroughly.
He takes him by the arm and leads him through the entryway to the open door of a study.
INT. STUDY – DAY
Floor to ceiling bookshelves on three ways with a sliding ladder to get to the higher shelves.
A coffee table with an elaborate marble chess set sits in front of a love seat.
JOHN (40’s) sits behind an ornate desk. He remains sitting as Pablo brings Nick in.
Pablo nods, then leaves.
JOHN
Where’s the gang?
NICK
This is between you and me. (Confident, doesn’t need any help)
Nick walks forward, stops at the chess set, picks up a queen, examines it.
John displays a handgun.
JOHN
You got balls to come over here by yourself.
NICK
I’ve got my brain. Who needs a weapon?
Let’s play chess for it.
JOHN
You, a peon, want to play me in chess. Do you even know how?
NICK
I need the lap top. My life depends on it.
You beat me, I walk away. (manipulation)
JOHN
It’s my laptop. I’m the one who got it. You pussies were too scared. (Daring)
I’m loyal to those who pay me what it’s worth.
NICK
That wasn’t the deal.
Nick pulls a chair up to the coffee table.
NICK
Your loyalty gets you no friends, which is what loyalty is supposed to be all about, right? (loyal)
I see the board isn’t even set up to play an opponent. What do you do, play yourself?
JOHN
I read books on it. (loner)
NICK
Chess is a game of discipline, something you’ll never have –– Is that why you used our plan to steal everything for yourself? (rebellious)
Nick slides the white queen’s pawn out two.
Why don’t we have our fight right here on the chess board?
John brings his gun, sits on the love seat, pushes out the black queen bishop’s pawn two spaces.
NICK
Sicilian Defense. I would think yours would be two shots to the back of the head.
Fast Action on the table – ten fast moves, pieces fly off the board as the conversation continues normally as if they were talking before they started playing.
NICK
I’ll make sure nobody ever bothers you again.
JOHN
I’ll never trust anything you say. You’re a snake in the grass. (distrust)
Nick
Let’s cut to the chase, shall we? Check.
John moves out of check by taking a pawn. He holds it up.
JOHN
You’re just a pawn to them. You don’t even realize it.
Nick jumps in with his knight.
NICK
Not a pawn, no. I’m the knight in shining armour. Checkmate.
John reviews the board, sighs. He walks back over to the desk, pulls open a drawer, lands Nick a laptop.
Nick examines it, smiles, pulls out a wad of hundreds.
NICK
Hers’s what you wanted. (giver) Now, you’ll be loyal to me?
John checks the money, extends his hand.
JOHN
Deal’s a deal.
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Again I’m really confused with this Essence business. I would have taken something like “Betting your life is the biggest wager of all?”.
Again I’d like to see John lose and casually shoot Nick, or win and shoot NIck anyway. I’m looking for a bigger twist.
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I’m also confused about what’s it all about. However, unlike Jeremy here, I think the rather tame ending could work if it’s a comedy. Like we’re expecting violence, but it’s just a chess game and winner get what he wants. Maybe they could pretend shoot each other with their fingers made to look like guns and wink-wink, or something.
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LESSON 8, CYCLE #2
LOGLINE: Under perilous circumstances, two double agents are pitted against each other. Who is loyal to the U.S.? One, both, or neither?
ESSENCE: Survival
SITUATION: Two double agents are pitted against each other to see who is loyal to the U.S.
SCENE ARC: John and Nick meet on the brink of Crooks Peak, they play cat and mouse, they get serious, Nick pulls a knife, and John falls backward off the brink and disappears. The entire incident is being filmed from Mt. Whitney.
EXT. CROOKS PEAK – DAY
Crook’s Peak is the middle needle of a three-needle cluster south of Mount Whitney – the so-called Peaks for Freaks.
It belies the tiny, vegetarian woman in a straw hat for whom the peak was named – Hulda Crooks, a.k.a. Grandma Whitney.
Hulda climbed Mount Fuji, in Japan, at age ninety-one, so think twice before laughing.
Each needle – Keeler, Crooks, and Third Needle – is a narrow slice of pizza, strewn with talus-like flat sheets of rock.
The slopes are moderate, but at fourteen thousand feet, the air feels rarified.
Between the needles, however, there are yawing, precipitous gaps, and Crooks Peak can be especially disturbing. [interesting setting]
JOHN DAVIS, (45), is a mature, seasoned rock climber and mountaineer, but not many know that and even if they do, they have no idea of what it means – he doesn’t say much. He’s an American double agent. [daring] [loner] [character – set-up]
John sits with his back to the three ragged boulders that make up the peak.
He’s wearing a helmet and climber’s harness.
Two-point tethered, with nylon straps, to a several-ton, spindle-shaped chunk of granite, a length of climbing rope is affixed to John’s harness via a carabiner.
To say he looks odd would be an understatement. [subtext: trickster]
NICK POLANSKI, (48) is an aerospace engineer, from Southern California, with a wife and family. He is also a double agent, but on which side has come into question.
From the Whitney Trail, the figure of a man in a climbing helmet leaves the trail and climbs up the slope toward John.
John waves to him, and Nick waves back.
LATER
As Nick approaches John, he points to the climbing rope and laughs —
NICK
What the hell is this?
John tries to laugh, too but complains —
JOHN
Who’s the damned fool who set this meeting up? And why?
NICK
Don’t sweat it. I don’t like heights, either – just sayin’. [giving]
JOHN
You don’t? So why here, then?
NICK
(laughingly)
Probably the only place left, in America, that isn’t bugged. [confident]
John forces a chuckle.
JOHN
You’re probably right.
(beat)
So besides that, why are we here?
NICK
You don’t know? [subtext: manipulating]
JOHN
Not really. Something about quantum computers.
NICK
Yes. What do you know about them?
JOHN
Precious little.
NICK
Then why are we here?
JOHN
To confirm that the Chinese have not yet incorporated it into their military program.
NICK
(laughs)
They’re years behind us. You are one of us, aren’t you? [conniving]
JOHN
What do you mean by that? [loyal]
NICK
If you’re CIA, you should know that.
JOHN
If you’re CIA, you should know that it’s full of moles and double agents and — [distrustful] [uncertainty]
NICK
I resent the implications. [rebellious]
JOHN
Resent all you want, but why are we here? One of us has got to be under suspicion. Maybe both.
NICK
Well it aint me. The U.S. has nothing to worry about. [mislead]
JOHN
Well, according to my information, we have lots to worry about.
NICK
Poppycock.
JOHN
Nick, I’ve seen the evidence, firsthand. We most certainly do need to worry. [betrayal]
NICK
No we don’t.
JOHN
Then, you’re the bad egg, trying to misdirect everyone. [betrayal] [twist]
Nick draws a knife from his cargo pants. Waves it in front of John. [character changes] [surprise]
[twist]
JOHN
What are you going to do with that? You’ll give yourself away.
NICK
What if I just say you pulled the knife on me? [reveal]
John stands, crouched down, as Nick lunges for him, left hand grabbing John’s rope. [fear/uncertainty] [suspense]
John kicks Nick’s right hand, but Nick swings around and slashes at John’s rope above his own hand.
The rope snaps, and Nick kicks John in the chest while still firmly gripping the end of the rope. [fear/uncertainty] [suspense]
John staggers back, falls over the brink – disappears.
Nick tries to look over the edge, but the sheer face is remarkably vertical and two thousand feet down.
Nick gulps, and appears queasy, but rolls up the rope and stuffs the nylon straps into his rucksack.
NICK
Now that we know who’s who and what’s what, who will ever know? Screw the U.S. I’ll tell them what they want to hear. [rebellious]
Nick beats a hasty retreat, down the mountain.
INSERT – THE HUT ATOP MOUNT WHITNEY, which shows –
A man with a high-powered camera is filming the entire incident.
BACK TO CROOKS PEAK. [superior position]
NOTE: In a subsequent scene, we will see that John is double-roped (from behind), swings around to a hidden cleft, and waits for Nick to leave. John gets his information.
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So Nick (a Chinese agent) invited John (a US agent) to the top of a mountain so that John could accuse Nick of being a Chinese agent. Why didn’t Nick just ignore, or counter accuse, John?
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Good question. I don’t think I made that clear enough. They are both double agents, but who are they ultimately working for? And the head of the CIA sent them to this remote place to try and ferret the truth out of them.
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Great scene and interesting/dangerous setting, full of suspense and intrigue and twists, etc.
Can condense the intro setting to essentials — even down to Crook’s Peak being a peak with a remarkably vertical sheer face two thousand feet down (if it were made into a movie, the filmmakers would decide whether to include all that other info)
Also much of the initial description cannot be known to the audience, so it needs to come thru with dialogue and action. Like the audience won’t know John is an agent (double or straight) or expert mountain climber until it is revealed through dialogue and action later in the scene. Same with Nick; audience would have no way of knowing he’s an aerospace engineer, from Southern California, with a wife and family, unless it comes out in action and/or dialogue.
Unlike Jeremy I did get it that someone else (not John) had arranged for the two to meet there, and it was suspenseful re who was the double agent until Nick revealed it thru action and words.
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LOGLINE: John tries to find out what is going on with his young daughter, Nic, who has been acting “off” all evening.
ESSENCE: You may create your children, but you can’t control who they become.
SCENE: (Lesson 8 – Cycle QE#2 – 1st Draft)
INT. SILVERLAKE HOME – BATHROOM – NIGHT
From inside the linen armoire, the upscale midcentury modern- meets-boho bathroom looks like a tranquil spa. Steam rises from the full bathtub.
Until NIÇOISE AKA NIC (5, cooler than you and she knows it) moves in front, blocking out all light. She drops a towel in the hamper, pulls out an ELECTRIC HAIR CLIPPER and closes the door of the armoire.
She deftly plugs the hair clipper into the outlet, takes off the trimmer clip, and methodically begins to shave the base of her hair into an undercut that could only be pulled off by this very specific breed of precocious child that can only survive in the wild of Los Angeles’ east side.
She shaves more and more, and fuck if we’re crazy, but it actually looks good. Savage. But good.
She smiles at her reflection in the mirror.
JOHN (O.S.) Oh. My. God.
It’s her dad, John (42, dressed in a loosened button down shirt and sweatpants.)
NIC AHHHHHHH!
Nic turns on her heal and tries to run past him. John puts out his arms to block her from escaping.
JOHN Nic, what has gotten into you?!
NIC I hate you!
JOHN I leave you alone for one second! Damn Stephanie for bailing on us!
NIC I need space.
JOHN You asked for alone time, Nic, not to shave your head!
NIC You shaved yours.
JOHN Not by choice.
NIC Mommy said your hair started to run away.
John finds this amusing.
NIC But that you look better without it.
JOHN (laughing) Oh yeah?
He checks himself out in the mirror. Side by side, he and Nic look remarkably similar.
JOHN You actually did a really good job. Steady hand. Just like daddy.
NIC I love you daddy.
She wraps her arms around him and he just melts.
JOHN Okay, time for your bath.
Nic freezes.
NIC I did already.
John glances at Exhibit A: The very full, undisturbed bath.
JOHN Uhmmmm. Try again.
NIC I filled it back up.
JOHN Oh really?
NIC For you. And mommy.
JOHN Hmmm. (beat) It’s the one thing mom asked me to do if I didn’t join her at the reunion. And you know I always do what mommy asks.
NIC Did mommy ask you to take Stephanie out to dinner?
JOHN What’s that now?
NIC Mommy saw you with Stephanie last week. That’s why she told her not to come play with me today.
JOHN What?! Stephanie and I weren’t at dinner.
NIC She cried a lot. Mommy said her Big Mad was coming out.
JOHN Okay, well mommy and I will talk about that.
NIC Mommy doesn’t want to talk about it. That’s what she told nana. That you’re a cliché.
JOHN Oh Christ. (beat) You know what, just get in the damn tub.
NIC NO! I already did! I dried myself and everything.
John looks over at Exhibit B: The empty towel rack. She’s good. She’s really good.
John moves towards the linen armoire and Nic’s eyes widen in panic.
His eyes locked on the witness during cross examination, he performatively opens the armoire and reaches into the hamper.
John dramatically pulls out a crisp white towel, revealing that underneath it is the BODY OF A YOUNG WOMAN! Nic freezes.
Eyes still locked on Nic, John closes the armoire with his foot and ceremoniously unfurls Exhibit C!
JOHN Aha! Bone dry. Prosecution rests.
Nic breathes a sigh of relief. Casually glances at the armoire again, but John catches her glance. That’s odd.
He looks at it again, then motions to open it. This prompts Nic to action.
NIC Fine, I’ll take a stupid bath.
John’s victory is short lived, because Nic gets in the tub, fully clothed.
JOHN Great. Wonderful.
Nic smiles sweetly at him.
NIC What?
But John won’t take the bait.
JOHN Nothing.
He pours shower gel onto a loofah and begins to scrub Nic’s clothes.
JOHN This is great. Very normal.
NIC Daddy? Is Zephyr’s daddy dead?
John pauses. He’s not sure how to answer this.
JOHN Trent is– No. Trent’s… just in the hospital.
NIC Because of what I did to him?
JOHN Because of what Teacher Bobby did to him. To all of you.
Nic starts to cry.
NIC My Big Mad just got too big. It got away from my body.
John, unsure of what to do next, takes a moment, then gets in the tub, fully clothed too.
Under her tears, Nic smiles.
JOHN I know honey. Big Mad just got too big to stay inside. But you know? We can put Big Mad back inside.
NIC Yeah, she’s back inside. In my heart.
Nic laughs, and John continues to scrub Nic clean over her clothes.
JOHN So when Stephanie came by earlier, did she say why she couldn’t babysit?
NIC No, just that she had to go. For school or something.
John pauses the clothes-scrubbing.
JOHN That’s interesting. Because you said that mommy told her not to come.
Nic pauses. Tries her best poker face, even though she probably has no clue what poker even is.
NIC No I didn’t.
John ups his cross-examination.
JOHN Yeah, you did. I remember I thought it was weird that Stephanie didn’t come, but her car was parked right outside.
Nic freezes.
JOHN Where is Stephanie?
NIC She said she–
JOHN Don’t lie to me. It’s my job to keep you safe, Niçoise. And if you don’t tell me the truth, I can’t keep you safe.
Nic stands up and steps out of the bathtub. She eyes the hair clipper. Still plugged in.
NIC Oh daddy. You can’t keep me safe–
JOHN Don’t walk away from me–
Nic turns back to him. Then slowly backs away, towards the clipper.
NIC Don’t worry. I can take care of myself.
And with that, Nic grabs the still-plugged-in hair clippers off the counter, flicks on the switch, and tosses it into the tub.
John intercepts it and jumps out. He slips and falls, his head narrowly missing the bath tub, but still, his body takes a hit.
In what looks like intense pain, his eyes meet Nic’s death stare.
She grasps a pair of scissors, and smiles.
NIC 1, 2, 3, go for the knee!
John tightens his grip on the clippers as Nic lunges forward.
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Very dramatic with lots of twists. But I’m not sure what’s going on. Is it Stephanie’s body in the hamper? Would a body fit in a hamper? And it seems that maybe John’s wife killed her???? Or Nic did ???? Not sure. Seems Nic is capable, but she wouldn’t have been able to put her in the hamper.
It might be good to mention that John did not see the body, even though you mention his eyes were locked on Nic. Because I thought he had seen the body (which made it very weird).
It might make more sense it Nic is older, maybe 7 or so???
Maybe indicate Stephanie was supposed to babysit earlier, like: “Damn Stephanie for bailing on us and no time to get another babysitter!” Or “no chance of getting another babysitter.”
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Thank you Lynn! The age of the girl is definitely an issue to think about. I don’t want her to be older because otherwise the entire premise of the scene about the bath doesn’t make sense.
I worked under the assumption that the babysitter had somehow gotten into the hamper herself (playing hide and seek or something similar) and that Nic had offed her in there. There is no way to show this in this particular scene or even hint at it. Unfortunately that’s part of us writing a single scene and keep it self-contained. We have to work under the assumption that there are at least a couple of things that *can* be inferred, through suspension of disbelief. I know that’s not the best answer to that issue (and I did spend a lot of time thinking about it and how it would work), but I needed her to be in the hamper for the premise to work.
I added that clarification (that John didn’t see the body) in my second draft after watching the video critique (see forum lesson 10), so good catch!!!
As far as who killed Stephanie, I mean, I did a whole lot of work to show through Nic’s behaviour and actions that she already knew the body was in there and was the culprit. When I first wrote the line of dialogue, I did mention the babysitting, but then in real life people don’t just give random exposition when they talk to each other. In this world, they all know who Stephanie is, and Nic says she’s the one who would “come play with me”. I feel like the dad wouldn’t randomly use the word babysitter, and Nic certainly wouldn’t.
I think again, the key with a lot of these scenes as we struggle to keep them entertaining and realistic, is to suspend our disbelief a little, considering we have no earlier or follow-up scenes and the information that comes with them will have to be worked out from the context. I don’t want to be one of those writers who has their characters constantly blurt out exposition, for the sake of clarity. I *want* the audience to do a tiny little bit of the work to figure things out, especially in a horror scene. Thank you for all those points though! Definitely given me a ton to think about!😊
Please look at the new scene I wrote (in forum lesson 10), where I reworked the scene after watching the video critique. It’s my 2nd draft! Would LOVE to hear your comments on the new version.
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I also thought the same about “babysitter” – how to get that in without is sounding unnatural. As you said in a full movie there wouldn’t be that problem…
I did figure that either Nic or her mother killed Shelly, not John, but also had the same problem with Nic’s age. How would a small kid like that be able to kill her (unless maybe with a gun)?
What came to mind was the movie The Bad Seed and Village of the Damned.
But Nic’s young age prevents her being evil like that, since she’s too young to really understand in a more conscientious way — so the age is good for that reason (a bit closer to “Honey, I Blew of the Kid” gone awry). Or maybe closer to the monster movies, since the monsters are not evil, just dangerous, though Nic’s limited understanding of right and wrong sort of makes it more horrible.
Anyway, it is excellent horror!
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LOGLINE: Geek John dares to confront the most dangerous bully in school, to get back his USB with his whole life on it.
ESSENCE: John confronts Nick to find out some information about something valuable or important.
EXT. SCHOOL YARD – DAY
Students milling around during lunch break. JOHN (17), a gangly geek with sunken chest and coke bottle glasses, approaches geek RHINO (17).
JOHN: Hey, Rhino, do you know where Nick is?
RHINO: Switchblade Nick? Why would you want to find him, John? [suspense, fear]
JOHN: I think it’s his gang that stole my flash drive. [fear]
RHINO: (incredulous) You didn’t make a back-up?
JOHN: Been busy with vidoeing my Harvard interview. I, uh, forgot. [fear] (whines) And I can’t put anything on my laptop at home, the way my Mom is. [distrusts]
RHINO: Look, he’ll kill you just for looking at him cross-eyed. [suspense, fear, set-up 1]
JOHN: I-I’m not afraid. My whole life is on that drive. It’s live or die. [daring]
RHINO: Playing too many Nathan Drake video games, huh? (off John’s “oh brother” face) Okay, I saw him go into the gym with his gang, their usual lunch hideout. (beat) You’d better take a guard or teacher with you. Or both. [fear, suspense]
JOHN: I have to do this alone. [loner] (off Rhino’s wide-eyed fear) You know they’re all afraid of him. But thanks, Bud. And I’ll be there tomorrow to back you at championship scrabble. [loyal]
RHINO: If it’s live for you and not die. [suspense, fear]
John heads toward the gym, but pauses to speak MOS with the COACH in coach-wear on the way. Coach nods. [intrigue, set-up 2]
Then John heads into
INT. THE GYM – DAY
Shooting baskets are TWO HOMEBOYS (15, 16). Burly SWITCHBLADE NICK (17) watches sour-faced. In the corner are TWO OTHER DEADBEAT HOMEBOYS and purple-haired ANGEL (15), a home girl, their lunch trash strewn about. Other than those few the huge gym is empty.
John peeks in then enters nervously, tries to strut out his sunken chest. Nick notes him with a sneer of expectation. [confident] John approaches him, carefully skirting the basketball players. [fear; no authorities around]
JOHN: Seems I, uh, misplaced my flash drive. D’ya know where it might be?
NICK: You don’t have a backup?
John shakes his head no. Nick give him a nasty TSK.
NICK: Nope, no idea.
Nick pokes his finger into John’s chest. [fear]
NICK: You shouldn’t leave valuable things like that in your back pocket. I mean, five terabytes. No telling who may have paid that pickpocket big bucks for it. [subtext: Nick has it or know where it is. Suspense/fear – is it gone forever or erased? Will John fight Nick for it?]
JOHN: (scrunches his face) Look, I could maybe offer to buy it back. [hope]
NICK: No deal. What I want is something much more. Like getting the school to lay off me and my boys here, and girl. They keep gunning for us. And we want free range of the gym during lunch break, no harassment for booze at school events, and no police interference. [Conniving]
JOHN: How can I do that? [fear he can’t produce]
NICK: Since Vice Principle Ferguson is your dad, it shouldn’t be hard.
JOHN: I don’t know. Dad’s the type who would blow my drive just to retaliate, but I’m sure I could get Coach to take care of those matters. He’d do anything for me, thinking I have influence on Dad… who’s getting upset with Coach because of our football losses.
NICK: You drive a hard bargain, but back to buying it AND getting Coach to take care of it. Afterall, I need to provide something for my homeboys. [giving] Especially for Angel, since she got it from your pocket when Alfie distracted you, and she still has it.
Angel takes the drive and waves it at John in the background. John looks at her with a satisfied grin.
JOHN: No deal and I’m calling the police. [fear – can they get there in time to stop the fight?]
Nick shoves John, who nearly falls backward.
NICK: You’re a brave fool. Do you know what we can do to you? [fear]
JOHN: Go ahead, slug me. [Surprise, fear, character change]
NICK: I don’t want to fight you and get canned. [character change]
JOHN: What, you don’t hit guys wearing glasses?
John takes them off his glasses and pockets them. His eyes going BOING CROSS-EYED.
JOHN: There…
Nick sees John’s crazy eyes and builds up to crazy angry. [fear, pay-off to set-up 1] In the bokeh background–a direction we have not viewed until now–some FIGURES stand in the shadow at the far exit. [pay-off 2?] Nick loses control and slugs John in the gut.
John reels in pain, then takes out his glasses, wipes them and puts them back on.
The background figures march forward. Coach and TWO POLICEMEN. [hope; pay-off 2] Policeman 1 goes to Nick, cuffs him.
COACH: Good work, John. Are you hurt?
JOHN: Never felt better. But for the record, (fake crying) he hit me bad.
COACH: We’ve been trying to collar these slick miscreants for years. You should join a police academy. Harvard, pooff.
Policeman 2 retrieves the flash drive from Angel, waves it to John, then cuffs her.
JOHN: (to himself with pride) John Nathan Drake.
He pulls a yes-fist.
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Sorry. Posted this on the wrong link.
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LESSON 8: QE Cycle #1 First Draft
LOGLINE: A bomb has been planted and the cops need to know where
ESSENCE: Sometimes good people have to do bad things————————-Begin Scene Description—————
SITUATION: A face-to-face standoff where the good guy must get certain info from the bad guy before the fight starts.
SCENE ARC: From just before the face-off to the good guy has the info.
Nick enters the interview room and turns on the recorder.
NICK
This is Detective Sergeant Carter and the time is…twelve oh-six. OK you gave them the runaround so no more fucking about.JOHN
And what’ll you do for me?NICK
I’ll not break your frigging face. How’s that for starters?JOHN
Not good enough. Show me the deal, in writing, or it’s no go.NICK
If what you’ve told us is true there’s no time. We needJOHN
Go and get someone…
(studies Nick’s ID which is clipped to his chest)
with the authority toNICK
I canJOHN
No you effing can’t Sergeant! Now piss off and get a grown-up.NICK
And if I could do that?JOHN
Then I’ll tell them to piss off as well. I’m not grassing. Anyway we, my lot, don’t take kindly to touting.NICK
No pals?JOHN
I work alone, It’s best.NICK
Look we can do a deal. You tell me what, where and when and I personally will have a word in the Judge’s shell-like. You fully co-operate and you’ll pull seven years…tops! Out in four. Come on now that’s not a bad deal.JOHN
Nah. Fuck that! I’ll take my chances. Who knows maybe I’ll escape?NICK
If that bomb goes off they’ll lock you up and throw away the key.JOHN
Fly away little piggy, fly away.NICK
At least tell me what we’re dealing with here. What is the device? What size is it?JOHN
Can’t do any hharm at this stage of the game I suppose. We got it through some middle-men. War surplus.NICK
War what are you talking about.JOHN
When you cut and ran from Afghanistan you left a lot behind. No cabin baggage allowed I suppose. Anyway we picked up some loverly ordinance courtsey of Uncle Sam.NICK
What? You mean like a land mine or summat?JOHN
The Air Force doesn’t drop bloody land mines.NICK
You mean a bomb? You bought a bloody air force bomb.JOHN
It’s like a souk out there youNICK
What size of bloody bomb?JOHN
Not my field mate. Do I look as though I’m in the Air Force? All I know was it took four of us to lift it off the trolly andNICK
Jesus whereJOHN
We didn’t even have to pay them. They were glad to give it to us…payback. I think we’re done here. What time is it?NICK
Nearly quarter past. Why? Where is this bloody bomb?JOHN
I’ll even tell you the when. Twelve thirty.NICK
Fifteen minutes? Christ on a stick. You’dJOHN
I’d like a nice cup of tea thank you Sergeant…and maybe a few biscuits?Nick sits there then
(beat)
stands up and unzips his fly. Nick walks around the desk and starts urinating on John. John stands up and tries to move but he’s chained to the desk.JOHN
Here what theNick finshes and zips himself up.
JOHN
Are you fucking mad I’llNick draws a Taser out from his pocket.
NICK
Quit your bleating andJOHN
I’ll seeNICK
(laughs)
See what? No judge will believe you.Nick frys John repeatedly. Johnis left gasping, retching, screaming until
NICK
Well?Nick takes another battery pack out from his pocket
NICK
Round Two?JOHN
(weakly)
What time is it?NICK
It’s…Jesus twelve twenty nine. It’s tooJOHN
LateNICK
(screams)
Where is that fucking bomb?JOHN
(whispers)
Here.
————————-End Scene Description—————-
Got it that Nick is the good guy here, John the bad. May still need some “loyalty” for John, like maybe he’s loyal to his cause or some friend? For instance, why is he setting off a bomb, even sacrificing himself (since the bomb is there)? Nick does seem a bit rebellious against authority (doesn’t want to call in higher authority, even tho the situation is dangerous and warrants it). Can’t see the “giving” part.
As for interest techniques, pretty good job, esp suspense. It is somewhat of a surprise the bomb is there itself, and a twist that would cause a change of direction if the scene continued (I guess the next step is the bomb goes off?). Setting is a place where a policeman can perhaps use untoward techniques to get info – good for putting the characters or their goals in jeopardy or adding to the drama.
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From some (bizarre) reason I can’t open Lesson 8. I’ve contacted support but haven’t heard back yet. Can someone post the character names & traits? Thanks in advance.
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Below is the scene we’re all going to write for this second QE cycle and the schedule. But first…
Quick note about the process:
I’ve read the group’s scenes and I’m impressed with the amount of improvement you’ve shown. While there is still a ways to go before we’re all professional, we are getting there in great leaps.
I want to see this group become successful as fast as you do — and I believe that can happen.
Now, there is a few tips:
Do every QE Cycle.
If you just keep doing this, your writing will improve every time.
Use the skills as much as you can.
This about learning, expanding, and getting comfortable with these skills at the level that the show “Lost” was written. If you feel uncomfortable, then you are pushing your own boundaries and will soon be a better writer because of it.
Consistent participation is far more important than quality.
You still have permission to post shit. Enough said.
Strive for quality, but don’t stress out about it.
Ultimately, this process is going to elevate your quality, but this isn’t about adding stress to your life. More important, this isn’t about adding stress as a component of how you write. If you find yourself stressing out, just relax and enjoy the process.
Stay with it even after you feel you are the best you can be.
The practice after you reach the “best I can be” mark is what locks your best skill level in. When it comes to training, I’ve seen thousands of people get to their best and then stop learning because they thought they had arrived. The result is always the same; their skill level gradually lowers.
Instead, when you hit what you consider your best, I’d like you to keep doing the process so you can accomplish two goals — first, locking in the current “best” and second, discovering how you can become even better. The road to becoming the best in the World is filled with “personal bests” followed by the realization that you can do even better and the renewed effort to reach a new personal best.
THE SCHEDULE:
DAY 15: You receive the scene below to write using the Max Entertainment skills you’ve learned so far. You have two days to do this.
DAY 16: I’ll post a critique of one scene from the original PS Alumni group. In it, I’ll point out what I like, what needs improvement, and some recommendations to write at a professional level. Watch the video critique and take what you’ve learned from all of this process TO REWRITE your scene, and post it. Make sure you shoot for having your scene be better than the video critiqued scene. You’ll have a day to do this.
IMPORTANT: As you saw, doing this rewrite is an extremely valuable part of the QE process. It is where you take what you’ve learned and cement it into your skill set. So make sure you do this part.
DAY 17: Exchange critiques with at least one person in the group. You have three days for this.
As you go through this process, look for breakthroughs. Those could show up as you write the scene while focusing on the PTE skills, when you read the other’s work, when you see my critique, as you rewrite your scene, and/or as you exchange critiques.
Have fun writing the scene and enjoy the breakthroughs that come with it.
Hal
ASSIGNMENT:
INSTRUCTIONS: Using the PTE techniques (Essence, character traits, and interest techniques), write a 2 – 5 page scene and post it.
Use the Skill Mastery Sheet I’ve provided to make sure you use all the skills. Whether it feels natural or not, find a way to get ALL of each character’s traits into the dialogue and have their subtext show up — in dialogue and/or action.
When you post your scene, use the following format:
LOGLINE: (fill in the logline for your scene)
ESSENCE: (tell us what you believe the essence to be)
SCENE: (post scene here)
And now…
————————-Begin Scene Description—————
SITUATION: A face-to-face standoff where the good guy must get certain info from the bad guy before the fight starts.
SCENE ARC: From just before the face-off to the good guy has the info.
JOHN
Traits - Daring - Distrustful - Loyal - Loner Subtext: John distrusts people, so he tries to trick them into showing their worst side.NICK
Traits - Confident - Conniving - Rebellious - Giving Subtext: Nick is a conniving guy who loves manipulating people into bad spots and then taking advantage of them.NOTE: If you want to display the actual fight, that is fine, but the ESSENCE of this scene should have to do with the cat and mouse game of gathering the info.
————————-End Scene Description—————
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Thank you! Much appreciated.
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Logline: Montana Game Warden, John Wright is held hostage at an elk camp where he inadvertently discovers the hunter’s plan to wage war against the government.
Essence: A terrorist group is posing as elk hunters.
EXT. HIGH COUNTRY, MONTANA—DAY
A green 4-wheel drive pickup with State of Montana insignia on the doors grinds its way up a rough two track trail headed for Elk Camp that reportedly has been harassing other camps and harvesting elk through illegally.
The driver, John Wright (32), wears the distinctive red uniform shirt of a Montana Game Warden. Hidden underneath is a shoulder holster that holds a Sig Sauer 9 mm semi-auto strapped tight against his chest. His long guns, a 30.06 scoped Ruger and a 12 gauge shot gun rest side by side on the seat next to him. Other gear includes a sleeping bag, a state issued taser, bear spray and a cooler with 2 days rations.
A garbled message comes over the mic. John checks his cell. Two bars.
He keys the mic and responds in case the message was for him.
JOHN: Warden Wright, #88. 10-20 approaching the timber line. KAJ668.
Nothing but static comes through in return. He pats the dash of his vehicle and talks to the Ford as if it were human.
JOHN: Well Matilda, it appears we’re alone up here high above civilization.
John sings “Big John” to himself, often off key between retrieved breaths caused by the rough ride.
Suddenly, the Ford’s front suspension takes a nose-dive, John’s head hits the steering wheel. The back wheels spin in place. The vehicle is stuck.
JOHN: What the hell?
John examines the damage to the front end. A ditch has been trenched across the road. John retrieves his heavy coat, coveralls, a red cap with ear flaps, ammo, gloves, his rifle and a few pieces of beef jerky.
He walks up toward the elk camp. Thin air and increasing wind velocity cause him to stop to catch his breath. Then there’s a gun barrel pressed against his back.
A Voice: Hands up, Mister, before I put a bullet right straight through you! I’ll take the rifle, thank you.
John complies with the order then turns to meet his captor’s eyes.
JOHN: You’re just a kid. What are you doing up here?
A homely, gangly, pimpled faced boy (14) dressed in full camo, looks up to John through his sunglasses.
THE KID: I’m with the my pa’s elk camp. I can guide and shoot better’in most men, so don’t try no funny business.
JOHN: Who’s your dad?
THE KID: You’ll find out. Now walk.
The kid punches John’s back with the rifle barrel.
THE KID: Faster!
SEVERAL BEATS
JOHN: Aha! I smell a wood campfire, elk carcasses and horses. This your camp?
THE KID: Yep.
The men sitting around the campfire, put their plates and beers down to grab their hunting rifles and stand with guns drawn on John.
THE KID: Hey, Dad! I got him!
NICK CROOKER (45) a haggard faced, almost toothless man, with tobacco stains running out of the corners of his mouth, clad in his never-been-washed, animal blood stained Carharts, saunters out of a tent. Proud of his importance, he gives John a long gaze before spitting on the ground.
NICK: And…who do we have here? Damned it boys, we’ve harvested ourselves our very own Game Warden. How about them apples?
The men put down their guns and resume their supper.
JOHN: Are you holding me hostage? The state of Montana doesn’t pay ransom.
NICK: What you talk’in ‘bout? Ain’t no hostages here. You’re our guest. Care for some campfire steak? The boys said the elk was mighty tasty.
JOHN: Thanks. If I’m a guest, when do I get my rifle back?
NICK: We’ll keep it safe until it’s time for you to leave. We don’t want any foul play or accidents.
JOHN: What about my pickup?
NICK: I doubt its goin’ much of anywhere. Want a beer?
JOHN: No thanks. I’m officially on duty and it is against policy to drink on the job.
The men guffaw.
MARTIN SAWYER: (40) a tall, burley man, with an eye patch and yesterday’s food stuck in his beard, turns to John.
SAWYER: There’s a law out here amongst us elk hunters you best get yourself acquainted with.
JOHN: What’s that?
NICK: There is no law!
The men shake their heads in agreement. The kid brings John a plate of steak in gravy, coffee, and a biscuit. He motions John to the fire. John sits with the hunters.
JOHN: This is mighty good. Tender and it tastes more like beef than elk. How’d you bring enough beef up here to feed all these guys?
NICK: We have our ways.
The men grunt in agreement. John finishes his plate. The kid takes his plate and utensils.
JOHN: (to the Kid) My compliments to the cook.
THE KID: Thanks.
John gets up and goes to the carcass hanging on a line. He counts the elk. He then counts the men at the fire.
JOHN: How many hunters in this camp?
NICK: Enough.
JOHN: Correct me if I’m wrong, but it appears there are more elk hangin’ than there are hunters. I need to see your permits, please.
The hunters stand, dig through their wallets and present their permits. John inspects.
JOHN: When I get back to my truck, I’ll have to issue you citations for the carcasses you don’t have permits for.
THE KID: The extra elk go to the poor folks down home.
NICK: They can’t afford no meat except what we give them.
JOHN: Philanthropy is a good thing. But not in this case. I’ll cite your dad in violation times 4. You have more elk than what you have permits for.
NICK: Why jist me? Them guys shot the elk. Not me.
JOHN: You are the guide are you not? You know the law.
NICK: I ain’t admitt’in to nothin’.
JOHN: You have permission to camp on this land?
NICK: This is government land. Don’t need no permission. We’re all taxpayers here.
JOHN: This land is leased for grazing by the Flatrock Cattle Co.
NICK: Can’t be.
The kid, tearing up and sniffling, runs into a tent. John follows.
NICK: (Yelling to John) You can’t go in there! Damnit! That tent is off limits!
John ducks into the tent lined with racks of high powered AR15’s and AK47’s, with ammunition boxes stacked toward the back. Hanging from the back wall is a swastika flag. The kid is sitting on a ammo box, pouting and whittling a stick with his pocket knife.
JOHN: I’m sorry, kid. But the law is the law and it is my job to enforce it.
THE KID: Good luck with that, stuppo cop! You ain’t got no pickup. It’s been stripped down. How do you think we get the money for all this?
John steps outside. He is face to face with Nick.
JOHN: What is really goin’ on here? You planning a war?
NICK: You could say that.
JOHN: A war with who?
SAWYER: The government. Then Jews and Jew lovers.
JOHN: Montana or D.C.?
SAWYER: Ya, them too.
A noise is heard in the timber. The hunters jump to their feet, guns ready to fire on an intruder.
JOHN: Kinda paranoid, aren’t you?
NICK: Just careful. We had an unwanted visitor yesterday. A mad bull elk stormed through camp. Tore the hell out of things. But Hamilton here stepped up and shot his mad ass (chuckles). Served him right.
A rancher, Darrel Steel (50) on horseback picks his way through the timber to the elk camp. He rides into camp with his rife pointed upward. He points his AR at the hunters.
STEEL: Throw your weapons down and your hands up, you damned lo life, squattin’ sons of bitches! Then freeze. And no funny business—or I’ll have to hurt you. You’re camp’in here without permission. And then you help yourself to one of my Herefords. I saw the hide hanging in a tree back there. It has my brand on it.
JOHN: Mr. Steel, I’m John Wright, Montana Game Warden. I’m being held hostage against my will. All these guys are huntin’without permission, they have butchered your cow, and they have harvested more elk than they have permits for. They have vandalized my truck and that ain’t the half of it. They’re plannin’ a war.
STEEL: Jesus! This sounds like one hell of a mess.
With his rifle pointed on the hunters, Steel unties one of their riding horses. Leads the horse closer to the campfire.
STEEL: The tack is stacked over there. Saddle up this gelding. We’re gettin’ out’a here before dark or the National Guard shows up.
NICK: Ha! No National Guard’s ever goin’ to show up here. You’re bluffing. You’ll never make it outa here alive!
John commences to saddle the bay. When he leans down to grab the cinch, he feels a cold gun barrel poking his back. He reaches into his left boot, pulls out his Buck fixed blade knife, wheels around and stabs his attacker in the gut.
The attacker falls to the ground, blood filling his mouth and oozing through his jacket. Only then John recognizes the person he has killed. It is the kid.
JOHN: Oh shit! Oh no! Oh God!
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INT. POSH BEVERLY HILLS RESTAURANT — NIGHT
Seated at a center table, NICK (40s)- a tall, devilishly handsome head of a studio with slick-backed hair and an Armani suit- draws glances from the other impeccably dressed diners. He radiates power.
Across from him, JOHN (50s): a schlubby, A list writer who- despite his success- plays the role of a struggling scribe.
They both drink glasses of comically expensive wine. It’s a business meeting and they’re not seeing eye to eye.
NICK: We can get another writer. Not like you’re the only game in town, pal. Hell, I bet the wait staff here could bump heads and knock out a killer script.
JOHN: Look, I’m not… I just want the same deal as last time. That’s not asking a lot.
NICK: In this environment, it is. It is asking a lot, John. You’re not on the business side, you don’t know. And frankly, I’m a lil’ offended. Hell, I took a chance on you when you were writing sappy shit for Hallmark. Don’t forget where your bread’s buttered, pal.
And sips his wine, staring down John.
JOHN: Can I ask you… is this what you always wanted to be growing up? Like, when you were in 5th grade, did you wanna be someone who screws other people over? Was that, like, a career goal?
NICK: Look, asshole. Don’t you- know how much I give to charity? Huh? Do you?
JOHN: Yeah, think I saw it in a press release. (Nick snorts, pissed off) Rest easy, okay? The whole world knows how swell of a guy you are.
NICK: I’m wasting my fucking time. (beat) Gonna sign the contract or what?
John drinks his wine, wracking his brain…
JOHN: Fine. I’ll sign it.
NICK: Well, thank God. And fuck you for making me sweat.
JOHN: But I need a clause put in there.
NICK: Pressing your luck, pal.
JOHN: ‘You can’t sleep with my wife’-
NICK: What?!
JOHN: ‘Again.’
NICK: Awright, you know what? Fuck you. I don’t need this shit.
Snatches his suit jacket off the chair.
NICK: Thought you were the right man for the job. Apparently- obviously- I was wrong. And believe me, that doesn’t happen a lot. (beat) Fuck your sorry ass. I’ll get Sorkin.
JOHN: Sure? His wife’s not all that.
NICK: Are you- I don’t even know who your fucking wife is!
JOHN: You’re head of the studio. I thought you knew ‘every fucking thing.’
NICK: Wait- isn’t she some actress on some cancelled show?
JOHN: Something like that.
NICK: Birds of a feather, huh? (beat) I’ll pay for this ’cause I AM a swell fucking guy. And I don’t need a press release to know it’s true.
Stands up and slaps on his jacket.
NICK: Know what else is true? You’ll never work for the studios again. Oh, yeah. We’re a chummy bunch.
Swaggers away. Then whirls around-
NICK: Oh, and one more truism: on second thought, I think I DID fuck your wife.
Smirks at John, then struts toward the door. Fuming, John leaps from his chair, trots toward Nick, and PUNCHES him in the back of the head. Jumps on top of Nick and takes out all the aggression, beating the living shit out of him.
The other diners and wait staff don’t interfere, but happily snap pictures of the pummeling. ‘Nother night in Hollywood.
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Logline: John is an American spy during the American revolution. He wants to sink a British ship.
Essence: Nick uses mind games on John because he’s sleep deprived.
AUGUST 20, 1776 AMERICAN REVOLUTION
EXT, HAUL OF EMPIRE BRITISH SHIP –NIGHT
John climbs up the anchor. He carries a waterproof bag on his back.He gets aboard and finds a cleaners closet where he puts on the red uniform over white with black boots. John tries to get down below decks to start a leak. But he is caught by the English and taken in front of Nick who struts like a Bantum Rooster.
INT. NICK’S CABIN-NIGHT
John is searched for weapons and then tied to a chair.
NICK
Who are you? Are you alone or with someone else?
JOHN
I’m Stevens, John Stevens. I work
alone.
NICK
Who do you work for?
JOHN
George Washington.
NICK
We will win this war. You will see. The crown always wins. That America, as you call it, will be ours. I give you that.
That is all John sees of Nick. A black bag is put over his head.
NICK
Guard, make sure he stays awake.
AUGUST 21,1776-NIGHT
Nick slaps John awake.
NICK
And don’t even think about sleep until you give up the where abouts of George Washington and his personal army.
JOHN
What day is it?
NICK
(lying)
3 days have already passed.
JOHN
Give me information about where this British army is headed.
Nick is silent and leaves the room.
AUGUST 22,1776 -NIGHT
Nick enters the room again.
NICK
Do you have a wife and kids, John?
JOHN
You leave them out of this.
NICK
Well, look who we have here.
WOMAN
John, are you alright?
JOHN
Becky, is that you?
WOMAN
I… I–
NICK
That’s enough out of you wench.
We hear a loud slap.
WOMAN
Ohhhh.
JOHN
You leave her alone.
John tries to rise. His ropes are frayed enough that he breaks free and yanks off his mask.
JOHN
You’re not my wife. What kind of game are you playing Nick?
John takes a few punches at Nick before Nick punches back.
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LOGLINE: John, an undercover cop, tries to get Nick to agree “on tape” to pay for a hit on the mayor and to gain entrance into his criminal organization in order to get information to shut it down.
ESSENCE: John tries to show he’s cool and tough enough to work for Nick’s criminal enterprise while Nick tries to determine John’s capability, access to get the job done and suitability for a chance at full-time employment.
NOTE: Since actually showing the fight scene wasn’t mandatory, I chose not to include it.
INT. DIVE BAR – NIGHT
Low light obscures the worn and scarred furnishings. Most table are full with a lower-class clientele dressed appropriately. NICK BALBONI, 45, well-groomed, sports jacket, white shirt but no tie, sips his drink. TWO BRUTES, ABE, 30 and BULL, 25, sit on either side scanning the room. They are muscular and menacing. Both wear their jackets open to reveal they are carrying weapons.
Entering the bar is JOHN, 30, five o’clock shadow, leather vest, no shirt, jeans. He heads straight for the bar, orders a drink.
Bull nods to Abe. He turns to Nick.
ABE
He’s here, boss.
Nick cleans lint off his sports jacket.
John turns from the bar, sips his drink, scans the room. He raises his glass to Nick.
Nick cleans his fingernails.
Bull hurries to the bar.
BULL
Don’t draw attention to the boss, asshole.
(puts a hand on Nick)
C’mon.
Nick shrugs him off.
NICK
He can wait.
Bull seethes. He turns to Nick for guidance.
Nick reaches into his jacket as if he’s searching for something.
John pounds his drink down, sets the glass on the bar. He walks to the table and sits without being asked.
Nick smooths his jacket, fails to make eye contact with John.
Abe seizes John’s forearm.
ABE
You don’t sit until the boss tells you to sit.
Bull sits down, opens his jacket to clearly reveal his weapon.
John yawns, pats Abe’s hand.
JOHN
I know you care, but you’re really not my type.
Nick nods to Abe. He releases John.
JOHN
I could use another drink, Nick. You buying?
Nick chuckles.
NICK
Sure, John, anything you like. Maybe a snack, too?
JOHN
I could use a cheeseburger. Plain, no crap on it. No
fries. And a Molson. Make that two Molson’s.
(Turns to Abe)
Think you can manage that, Ape?
ABE
(through gritted teeth)
Name’s Abe, not ape.
JOHN
Honest mistake.
NICK
I’m a gentleman, John, but Abe and Bull don’t have the
best of manners. You don’t want to agitate them.
JOHN
We need to talk.
(beat)
They say you’re the toughest in town, Nick. Maybe
you’re only tough when you have Ape and Bullshit
hanging at your side.
Abe and Bull each grab one of John’s arms.
JOHN
I guess we can’t do business.
Nick waves Abe and Bull off.
Abe and Bull release John.
NICK
Do me a favor, Abe. Get him his burger. He’s an asshole
but he’s an asshole I need. You guys get something for
yourselves, too.
(to Bull)
John here is a Stanley tool. The right tool for the right job.
And he is the right tool. Make sure what John and I say here,
stays here and only here.
ABE
(glares at John)
Whatever you say, Mr. Balboni.
Bull stares at Nick a moment, uncomprehending.
Abe whispers to him. Bull’s eyes light up. He nods.
Abe and Bull head for the bar.
JOHN
I hope you had them neutered.
NICK
You shouldn’t have come here, John. I don’t like
doing business outside my comfort zone.
JOHN
You look comfortable to me.
(look around)
I’m surprised to see you in a shithole like this. Bet
your business associates wouldn’t approve.
NICK
You think I give a fuck what those assholes think!
What anyone thinks?
John sighs, shakes his head.
NICK
You’ve got a cast iron pair, John. I like that. I don’t
want people working for me who scare easily.
JOHN
I’m not working for you yet.
NICK
You want to know what’s in if for you. I’m a businessman,
I respect that. But let me be perfectly clear: when you’re
swimming in my ocean, you’re swimming with sharks.
You want to play for the winning team.
JOHN
I think you’ve had one too many. You’re mixing your metaphors.
Nick leans close, conspiratorial.
NICK
Convince me. How will you do it?
JOHN
(softly)
Convince me! Why do you want this done?
NICK
(stares hard)
I don’t want. I need.
John holds his gaze.
NICK (CONT’D)
You don’t need to know why.
JOHN
I always need to know why. It’s who I am.
NICK
For the money I’m paying you –
JOHN
I don’t want this, I need it. It helps me justify.
Makes me sympathize with your need. Makes
it personal for me, too.
NICK
He deserves so much more. I wish I could do it
myself, face-to-face, but I got too much to lose
now.
JOHN
So this isn’t just payback. You’re also sending a message.
Nick leans back, his eyes focused, intense. He
stares off into the past.
NICK
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a cop.
John frowns.
Nick puts a hand over his heart.
NICK
Swear to God.
(beat)
To settle some scores against some people who really
needed killing.
(beat)
For my dad. For what they . . .
Nick’s eyes tear up. He looks away, wipes
them with his sleeve.
NICK
With that son-of-a-bitch dead no one will dare
stand up to me.
JOHN
What happened? Why didn’t you become a cop?
NICK
His honor, the mayor, happened.
John waits, expectant.
NICK
Too long a story. Another time, maybe.
(beat)
You sure you can get inside?
JOHN
Been there several times. I can get access to his favorite booze. The
one “His Honor” keeps in his home office.
(beat)
But I want in. Not just this one job. I want to be part of your little
organization. Not in America, of course. Not after this.
NICK
Your mom will get blamed.
JOHN
She won’t be in on it. She’ll pass any lie detector test. She won’t even
know I’m in the house
(beat)
I know her routine when she cleans. Start to finish. I’ve got a dupe key
and the passcode.
NICK
Won’t be hard for the cops to figure out if it wasn’t your mom, it was
someone close to her.
JOHN
But I won’t be hanging around because you’ll prove I was on a private
plane that left town the night before.
NICK
I’ll send Abe and Bull to give you a hand. Help you get away.
JOHN
Those two WWF freaks will only draw attention.
(beat)
I work alone or not at all.
NICK
(nods)
I can arrange to have a credit card trail support that.
(beat)
If you can pull this off, you’re definitely an asset I want working for me.
Nick extends his hand.
John shakes.
NICK
I can have you out of the country the same night. For real. I can take care
of your mom, too.
JOHN
Very generous of you, Nick, but I won’t let you involve her in this.
Pay me extra instead and I’ll make sure she gets it. I don’t want it
traced to you and I don’t want her owing nothing to you.
NICK
I’m sick in my heart that you don’t trust me.
JOHN
But you’ll get over it. I’ll need an advance.
NICK
Half now, the rest when the job is done.
JOHN
The credit window is closed. Cash money only.
NICK
Let’s take it to my little office in the back.
I’ll have Abe bring your food.
JOHN
Lead the way . . . boss.
Nick leads John to the back room.
Bull stands at the open door.
Inside, Abe sits at a desk. On the desk is a cheeseburger and two cans of Molson Golden.
John smiles.
JOHN
Maybe we can be friends after all, Abe.
John walks inside and sits. He digs into his burger.
At the door, Bull leans close to Nick.
BULL
(holds up small device)
He’s wearing a digital transmitter. I called Stanley. He’s
waiting for the word to block it.
NICK
I was just starting to like John.
BULL
I’m really gonna enjoy this.
NICK
Give Stanley the word. Then show John just how
ill-mannered you and Abe can be.
-
Anna’s QE Cycle #2 Scene:
MY NOTE: I missed some of the earlier exercises, and am now going back to finish them up.
LOGLINE: 14-year-old John convinces his friends to sneak into the neighbors back yard to investigate a missing friend, but what John thinks is a clever conversation to prove Nick is lying when he claims he was a fellow Boy Scout leads to the discovery that Nick is really a 125 year old vampire.
ESSENCE: A solid knowledge of your own history can uncover ‘posers.’
SCENE:
EXT. NIGHTIME – JOHN’S BACK FENCE
JOHN (age 14), FREDDIE (age 14), and ALLISON (age 13) climb on top of several trash cans lined up alongside a six-foot stockade fence. One of the trash cans, a big Rubbermaid bin, collapses inward, leaving FREDDIE hanging on the fence.
JOHN
Quiet!
FREDDIE
Ouch! I thought you said it wasn’t sharp?
ALLISON
Nimrod! I told you to climb on the metal barrel.
John’s Jack Russell Terrier, COMET, begins to bark.
JOHN
Quiet, Comet! He’ll hear us.
ALLISON
Shhhh….
FREDDIE
Are you going to help me, or what?
The barrels clatter as Allison leaps down and shoves her galvanized steel garbage can underneath Freddie’s feet. The can clatters as Freddie finishes pulling himself up. Allison carefully climbs up on the barrel beside him, while John climbs up on his own steel barrel. The three of them peer into their neighbor’s backyard.
ALLISON
It looks perfectly normal to me.
JOHN
(points to some zinnias)
Do you see that disturbed earth? There. Next to the shed.
FREDDIE
All I see is flowers.
ALLISON
I can’t see anything. It’s too dark.
JOHN
We’ll sneak in and investigate.
FREDDIE
Are you crazy? I think we should call the police.
JOHN
I already tried that, but my parents wouldn’t believe me, and then Nick convinced the police that he was out with friends.
FREDDIE
I told you not to skip social studies class.
JOHN
I was trying to find Meghan!
(frustrated)
The police didn’t even look! All they did was repeat back everything he said, like the stormtroopers in Star Wars when Obi Wan Kenobi says “these aren’t the droids you’re looking for.”
ALLISON
(mockingly)
Oh, Meghan! You have such lovely blonde hair. Let me ride into the rescue so you’ll talk to me in English class.
JOHN
Knock it off! Meghan is in trouble.
FREDDIE
My teacher thinks Meghan just ran away.
They all stare apprehensively at the neighbor’s house. It’s a perfectly normal Craftsman sized home, with a suburban backyard, complete with maple trees, flowering daylilies, and a white picket fence which ends at a tidy looking tool shed.
ALLISON
I thought you said he was keeping them inside the shed?
JOHN
I’m not sure what I saw. All I know is that I saw him lead Megan into the shed, and then a few hours later, he dug a big hole hole—
(gestures at the spot)
–and dumped something into it that could have been a body.
ALLISON
Wait? What do you mean, -could- have been a body? You told us this morning it was definitely a body—
JOHN
Whatever it was, it was wrapped in a blanket. It was five feet long. And it bent in the right places to be a human.
FREDDIE
(scared)
Guys? I don’t think this is a very good idea.
Ignoring their reservations, John leaps over the fence, followed by Allison. Freddie clamors over, but his coat gets caught on the wooden pickets and he dangles.
FREDDIE
Help!
JACK and ALLISON
Shhhh!
COMET resumes yapping from the other side of the fence. Allison helps Freddie get unstuck while John sneaks over to the shed and peers in the windows.
A spotlight goes on, flooding the back yard with 600 watts of daylight. A light turns on inside the back door.
JOHN
Quick! Hide!
Freddie squeaks and runs back and forth like a chicken with its head cut off. John and Allison hide in the narrow space between the shed and the picket fence. They grab Freddie and drag him into the crack.
The back door opens. Out steps NICK, well-dressed Eurotrash who appears age 25, but there is something about the way he walks which speaks of older aristocracy.
On the other side of the fence, COMET follows them and barks ferociously at the exact spot.
NICK
Ollie, ollie, encomptree!
He walks to the exact spot and stares into the dark as though he can see them.
NICK
You might be better burglars if your dog didn’t yap.
FREDDIE
We’re not burglars!
JOHN and ALLISON
Shhhhh!
NICK
Then what are you doing breaking into my shed?
JOHN
We weren’t breaking in.
He steps from between the gap.
JOHN (cont’d)
We’re here to sell popcorn. To raise money for Boy Scouts. Trail’s End. And we decided to—
ALLISON
(cuts in)
…take a shortcut.
JOHN
Yeah, a shortcut. Over the back fence. Being neighbors and all.
Nick gives them an incredulous look, but for some reason, goes along with it.
NICK
So you guys are Boy Scouts, eh?
JOHN
Yeah.
Nick points at Allison.
NICK
She’s not a boy.
(mockingly)
And I suppose you’re also selling Girl Scout cookies?
ALLISON
(indignant)
For your information, it’s Scouts BSA now. They accept girls. And I just made second class.
FREDDIE
(stutters)
And I – I – I jjj-just made tenderfoot.
JOHN
And I’m a Life Scout, working on my Eagle.
Nick gives them a calculating look.
NICK
So where’s your popcorn sale sheets?
JOHN
(smoothly)
Freddie was carrying them. He dropped them on the other side of the fence as he was coming over.
NICK
I saw him dangling.
(gives a creepy laugh)
So, say I buy your story. What will you get when you sell enough popcorn?
JOHN
(with some earnesty)
I’m hoping to fund my Eagle Project.
NICK
Eagle, ey? Don’t you have to reach Star Scout first?
JOHN
Life Scout trumps a Star Scout.
NICK
No it doesn’t.
JOHN
Yes it does. You don’t know anything about Boy Scouts.
NICK
Yes I do. I was a scout when I was younger. Made it to Star Scout. And I most definitely out-rank you.
ALLISON and FREDDIE look to one another and snicker.
NICK
What?
JOHN
When were you in Boy Scouts? Back in the dark ages?
NICK
(irritated)
I’ll remind you that you are -trespassers- here. In the middle of the night. With a story about selling popcorn. And now you’re telling me I don’t even know what rank I got?
JOHN
(shrewdly)
That’s not it, at all. We were just wondering how your merit badges stacked up, way in the way-back-when, versus today?
NICK
(proudly)
I had to earn 5 merit badges to make Star Scout—
JOHN
(interrupts)
It’s now 6 merit badges.
NICK
(brusquely)
Whatever—
ALLISON
Did you have to get your pioneering merit badge? That was the coolest.
NICK
I did. And I also got my First Aid merit badge—
JOHN
We all had to do that—
NICK
–along with taxidermy—
FREDDIE
Ewwww…
NICK
–stalking, and master-at-arms.
JOHN
(confused)
Master-at-arms?
NICK
Hand-to-hand combat.
ALLISON
Hand-to-hand combat? We’re not allowed to do contact sports. Not even for the sports merit badge.
Nick approaches the kids in a menacing “ready stance.”
NICK
These hands are lethal weapons. Especially if I catch hoodlums breaking into my shed.
ALLISON
(gulping)
We weren’t breaking into your shed.
FREDDIE
Yeah! We were looking for Meg—
JOHN kicks Freddie.
FREDDIE (cont’d)
Ouch!
ALLISON
(whispers)
Shut up!
John glances at Allison, and then gets a calculating look.
JOHN
So since you’ve got so much more experience than us, then maybe you’d be willing to counsel me through my gardening merit badge?
Nick dons that look you get before a tasty meal.
NICK
Why, of course. Anything for a fellow scout.
FREDDIE
(whispers)
I thought he already got his gardening merit badge last summer?
ALLISON elbows Freddie, hard, in the ribs.
JOHN steps closer to the shed door.
JOHN
I mean, I really admire the way you’re able to get your flowers to grow. You just planted them, and it looks like they’re ready to take over?
NICK
(with an ominous tone)
The secret is in the fertilizer. Flowers like to feed.
John stops in front of the door.
JOHN
For example, as part of the merit badge, we’re supposed to set up a worm farm. Do you know what the favorite thing for worms to feed on is?
NICK
(dons a creepy expression)
Dead things. The worms just love them.
JOHN
And do you know what other merit badge I just earned recently?
NICK
What?
John puts one hand on the shed’s doorknob. In the floodlights, Nick’s eyes appear to turn solid black.
JOHN
Scouting Heritage. And do you know what important thing we learned while earning Scouting Heritage?
NICK
(appears smug)
What?
JOHN
That Markmanship got split into Shotgun Shooting and Rifle Shooting back in 1952, which means you’re a lot older than you let on.
With a move that is more panther-like than human, Nick lunges for John. Allison sticks out her foot and trips him. Freddie squeals in a high-pitched voice.
The door is locked. John pounds on the door.
JOHN
Meghan! Meghan! Are you in there?
Nick grabs Allison, who stomps on his foot and bites him in the hand. Nick shrieks and stalks towards Allison, who holds out her popcorn-sale pen like a sword.
Freddie backs into the flowerbed.
A hand—
–reaches up—
——out of the soil.
FREDDIE
Ahhhh!
Up out of the dirt, Meghan climbs, dressed in a white shroud with clumps of black soil smeared all over her chalk-white flesh. Her eyes appear black, with no visible iris or white. She bares her fangs and hisses.
NICK
Darling!
Megan’s head jerks in a bird-like motion, first at John, who stands with a confused expression, and then at Allison, and then at the shrieking Freddie.
MEGHAN
So hungry.
She grabs Freddie, her teeth gnashing.
NICK
I brought you supper.
MEGHAN
Hungry.
NICK
Eat, my beautiful bride.
Meghan grabs Freddie and bends him backwards to bit his neck. Nick grabs Allison. John rushes at him, attempting to break Nick’s hold, but Nick darts easily out of the way, yanking Allison with him.
Nick pushes back Allison’s hair and bares his fangs.
Suddenly a small white-and-brown streak leaps through the air and bites Nick. It’s COMET! He dug a hole beneath the fence. The Jack Russell terrier barks wildly, biting Nick on the ankles.
Meghan hisses and drops Freddie.
-
So… I am stupidly behind, but determined to work through and finish the course. I can still learn from reading other people’s feedback, and the reality is that I’m learning a system that I will most likely have to use on my own to improve my own writing, so the objective hasn’t changed, I’ll just be lonely!
I used to say that I had a quiet life, and I thought 2022 was crazy, but 2023 has taken it to the next level. Definitely the tortoise and not the hare this time, but I am determined to finish.
Joy Geldard-Smith’s QE Cycle #2 Scene
What I learned doing this assignment was… well, it was more of a nickel dropping in relation to the writing assignments class. Hal said in the lesson that we should keep practicing, and I realised that while I am writing scenes, I should be writing them in my specialism. So this is going to be a romcom!
LOGLINE: John is old friends with Arin, who is currently dating Nick. John did like Nick, but thinks he’s been cheating on Arin.
ESSENCE: Effectively, “bros before hos” but in this case the ‘bro’ is a woman and the ‘ho’ is Nick.
SITUATION: A face-to-face standoff where the good guy must get certain info from the bad guy before the fight starts.
SCENE ARC: From just before the face-off to the good guy has the info.
John:
Traits
– Daring, Distrustful (of people in general), Loyal (friends forever to those he does love), Loner
John distrusts people, so he tries to trick them into showing their worst side.
Nick:
Traits
– Confident, Conniving, Rebellious, Giving
Nick is a conniving guy who loves manipulating people into bad spots and then taking advantage of them.
SCENE:
INT. COUNTRY CLUB LOUNGE – AFTERNOON
John sits comfortably in a plush armchair, sipping on a glass of scotch, while Nick, in a dapper suit, surveys the room filled with elegantly dressed men. The atmosphere exudes sophistication and exclusivity.
JOHN
You were right, Nick, this place is something else.Nick eyes the women walking past the windows in their tennis outfits.
NICK
Especially during tennis season, am I right?Nick raises a hand to high-five John, who meets his hand less enthusiastically.
JOHN
You like the tennis girls, huh?NICK
I like the outfits. I’d love to get Arin in one.JOHN
Gross. She’s like a sister to me. Anyway, judo’s more her thing.NICK
Oh yeah, I know. It’s so hot! Not the outfit, but the…Nick waves his arms around, ineptly imitating the martial art, before becoming distracted by a passing woman in a revealing top.
JOHN
(raising an eyebrow)
Always got your eyes open, right?NICK
Why not appreciate the beauty in the world?JOHN
You got a lot of confidence. What’s your secret?NICK
Just charm and finesse. These folks need to loosen up and I have a gift for saying the right things at the right time.JOHN
(teasingly)
So, lies? I see.Nick chuckles, taking a sip of his cocktail.
NICK
(playfully)
Not lies, not really. It’s just understanding what women want and giving it to them.JOHN
(raising his glass)
Well, here’s to your expertise, Nick. May your charm never fail you.They clink their glasses, with camaraderie and underlying tension.
NICK
Trust me, John, I’ve got it all under control. No one can resist me once I turn on the charm. Get the waitress over and I’ll show you.Nick gestures for service.
JOHN
But what about loyalty? Do you resist temptation?Nick’s smug expression falters for a split second, but he quickly regains his composure.
NICK
Sure. I’m a man of my word. I can look and not touch.JOHN
(teasingly)
Well, I hope for Arin’s sake that your word is as strong as your charm, my friend.Nick’s gaze shifts nervously, and he takes a moment to collect himself.
NICK
Arin knows she’s got the best of the best. I’m all hers.The waitress Nick summoned approaches the table.
NICK (CONT’D)
(to John:)
Watch and learn.He turns his attention to the attractive waitress in her crisp uniform.
NICK (CONT’D)
(to waitress:)
How’s your shift going, darling?WAITRESS
(politely:)
Fine, thanks. What can I get you?NICK
Well, you are so beautiful I could just drink you all up, but I’m guessing you’re not on the menu.WAITRESS
(more uncomfortably:)
I’ m not. Shall I give you a minute to decide?NICK
No, I know what I want, I’m just figuring how to get it.As Nick finishes his sentence, Arin enters the lounge unexpectedly and unseen, and heads towards Nick and John.
Nick has uttered an obscenity to the Waitress, and John reels as the Waitress then raises her hand and slaps Nick with a CRACK! The room falls silent and all eyes are on their table.
WAITRESS
I’ll have you banned for this!JOHN
(grinning)
Speaking of the best, here comes Arin now.Nick’s face turns pale as Arin’s eyes narrow, a mix of curiosity and suspicion. John exchanges a knowing glance with Nick, relishing the opportunity to witness the impending confrontation.
NICK
Arin! It’s so good to see you.Nick gets to his feet in surprise, his charm fading. Arin doesn’t look much for talking.
NICK
(reluctantly)
I… I can explain…Arin remains calm, but her disappointment shows. Then she acts, swiftly, and she takes him down with a judo move, timing it perfectly to catch the passing waiters and covering Nick in a fancy feast.
JOHN
I’m sorry, Arin. There’s some stuff I should catch you up on.As the room starts buzzing with whispers and murmurs, Arin walks away, leaving Nick floored impressed by Arin’s strength and integrity. John follows his friend out of the club.
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