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Lesson 8
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Mike’s QE Cycle 2: Write this Scene
LOGLINE: Nick wants to know who stole his stash, and John has the answer he seeks.
ESSENCE: Nick wants a name, John wants revenge.
SCENE:
INT. SCHOOL BATHROOM – DAY
John exits the bathroom stall and sees Nick standing by the door. He freezes.
NICK
You know what I’m here for.
JOHN
Stall’s free. (gestures to the other ones). You didn’t need to wait for the one I was using.
NICK
Don’t make me do this.
JOHN
No one’s making you do anything.
NICK
Don’t make me the villain, John. Please, wash your hands.
John goes to the sink, eyeing Nick while washing his hands.
JOHN
Think you could hand me some paper towel?
Nick smiles, pulls five towel squares from the dispenser and hands them to him. As John dries his hands, Nick puts him into a headlock, not too hard, but is it ever pleasant? John drops the paper towels.
NICK
I want a name, John. That’s it. You know so you can help me know, you know? (points to the towels on the floor). You think being a janitor is easy work? Don’t be selfish, John. Pick it up.
JOHN
(still in the headlock)
I wouldn’t want your dad to be outta work.
NICK
That’s not nice, John. (releases John). Go on, pick them up.
The trash is by the door so John readily agrees, but Nick bars the door.
NICK
We can keep doing this until you tell me, but, John–let me tell you–we won’t always be at school.
John tries hiding his worry but Nick picks it up.
NICK
Who’s gonna look out for you? Huh? You travel in a crowd of one. Go on, you can wash your hands again.
JOHN
I’m good.
NICK
Go on. You must want to. You just picked trash up off the ground.
John reluctantly returns to the sink. Nick nods to him so he washes his hands again. Nick takes more paper towels from the dispenser and brings it to him. John takes it and slowly dries, keeping an eye on Nick and ready to step away if he tries another headlock.
JOHN
I can tell.
NICK
I could beat you. But, you wouldn’t want me suspended ‘cause I wouldn’t want me suspended ‘cause that would upset my mom, and neither of us wants to upset her when all we’re talking about is my little stash.
JOHN
It didn’t look like a little.
Nick grabs at John but he backs away. Nick backs him to the wall and grabs his shirt with both knuckles pressing into his jaw.
NICK
Who was it?
JOHN
Ask them.
NICK
I can make an exception about that suspension.
JOHN
What about your mom?
NICK
What’s she have to do with this?
JOHN
Are you seeing a psychologist? You could really use the help.
Nick releases him. He cracks a warning smile, shaking his finger at him.
NICK
John.
JOHN
You use that stuff to fill the void. I get it. You must have a pretty big void in there. (pointing to Nick’s head).
Nick strikes John in the stomach. A hard punch that catches John off guard. John drops to the floor, wincing and gasping for air, clutching his side. Nick watches, guilty.
NICK
I didn’t want to do it, John. I didn’t want to, but you kept at it and then I lost it. You did this.
Nick sees tears in John’s eyes.
NICK
You did this. I mean…you just have to tell me who…just give me a name.
John calms his breathing but still looks bad on the floor.
NICK
I’m sorry, John.
John mumbles.
NICK
What’s that, John? Come on, let’s get you off that floor. It’s a bathroom floor, John. No place to lie around.
Nick reaches out to help him up but John won’t take his hand. He makes his way up on his own. They stare at each other.
JOHN
Who’s it for?
NICK
What’s that matter?
JOHN
You got my sister suspended by hiding a stash like that in her desk when you were almost caught the last time. You want information? Just humor me.
NICK
Tell me first.
JOHN
I don’t think so.
NICK
If you don’t I’ll do it to you all over again. This time I won’t be playing around, John. I’m being nice ‘cause we go way back.
JOHN
Then for old times’ sake…who?
NICK
Jordan and Eric. They find ‘em, I supply ‘em.
JOHN
What a businessman.
NICK
John–
JOHN
Is it true you’ll be expelled if you get caught again?
NICK
I’ve lost track.
Nick moves towards John again and John waits until he gets up in his face.
JOHN
Jared. He put it in his gym bag. It’s in his locker.
NICK
That wasn’t so bad. Could’ve saved us a bunch of unnecessary banter.
JOHN
Can I wash my hands?
NICK
Of course. But you’ll have to get your own paper towel this time.
Nick smiles and leaves. John dries his hand and straightens himself out in the mirror.
John pulls a stash out of his pocket.
JOHN
Thanks, Nick.
He smiles and puts it back, wincing a bit and reaching for his bruised side.
John pulls out his phone and checks if it’s still recording. He got it.
JOHN
Bet Principle Fitz-Wallace would love to hear this. You never should’ve blamed my sister.
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Christi Falk’s QE cycle #2
Logline: In laying his dead wife to rest, John tries and fails to take her secret to the grave.
Essence: John is in mourning and conflicted between loyalties to the living and the dead. Nick has been tasked with the impossible from his living wife and is the only one who would gleefully be tasked with this at a funeral. We feel this confrontation is decades in the making.
Scene: THE RECIPE
FADE IN:
INT. FUNERAL HOME PARLOR – DAY
An empty room with chairs set up, facing a casket. Sparse decorations of wreaths and electric candles line the outskirts of the room. JOHN, 80s, grieving widower and NICK, 80s, family relation, approach separately to sit in the back row.
NICK
Hey.
John nods but keeps his gaze on the casket.
NICK
So, Sadie wants to make sure you eat today. Come over after?
John doesn’t react.
NICK
If you need any help with….stuff…
JOHN
Just say it.
NICK
What?
JOHN
You’ll figure it out.
John gets up to leave but Nick pulls him back down.
NICK
Okay, she was hoping to get it now that-
JOHN
Now that Jenny’s dead? You got some stones, Nicky.
They keep their voices down but the tone is not friendly.
NICK
Come on, Johnny, I know you. No way it’s on a computer. It has to be written down.
Nick looks towards the casket with surprise. He moves quickly to the front of the room with John, who knocks over his folding chair, in hot pursuit.
Still in angry whispers.
JOHN
You wouldn’t dare.
John places a restraining hand over the lid. Nick smiles.
NICK
Come on, John. The kids all live in different cities. It’s your favourite. Wouldn’t you like it every once in a while?
JOHN
Who says it’s the only copy.
Nick smiles as he takes a step away from the coffin.
NICK
You promised her it would be.
John’s emotions threaten as he blinks back tears.
NICK
Hey, what about the kids?
JOHN
Don’t want it.
NICK
One day they might. Listen, Sadie is willing to promise it will go with her.
JOHN
Right.
NICK
Look, it does nothing in my hands. Its in woman shorthand. And she promises it won’t got to Aunt Helen.
John lovingly strokes the coffin as he considers.
JOHN
I’m still waiting.
NICK
What?
JOHN
Haven’t figured it out yet?
John stands facing Nick for a long beat. Nick finally looks at the coffin.
NICK
She was s good woman. The best thing that ever happened to you. I’m-
His voice cracks slightly
NICK
I’m sorry I ever said otherwise.
John slaps him on the shoulder, then pulls out an envelope from his pocket and hands it to Nick.
JOHN
There, was that so hard?
NICK
You had it the whole time?
John shrugs.
JOHN
Figured the sisters would search everywhere. Was going to throw it down with my rose.
John and Nick walk back down the isle towards the entrance.
JOHN
You gonna tell her now?
Nick shakes his head.
NICK
Aunt Helen just got a new hip and she’s looking to break it in. A funeral brawl would be just what the doctor ordered.
John cracks a smile that breaks into a chuckle. Nick starts to laugh as well and the empty room is filled with joy.
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Susan McClary’s QE cycle #2
SITUATION: A face-to-face standoff where the good guy must get certain info from the bad guy before the fight starts.
SCENE ARC: From just before the face-off to the good guy has the info.
LOGLINE: John finds Nick’s mansion hidden in the woods. He has been tasked to infiltrate Nick’s lair, save a fellow agent, and get information on just how dangerous Nick is.
ESSENCE: Nick is more dangerous than anyone thought and John really could use some help here. He must now save the world from a “mad scientist” who wants to destroy all of humanity.
SCENE: The Lair
FADE IN:
EXT/INT MANSION
JOHN rings the door chimes of a large mansion hidden in the woods. Then knocks repeatedly.
A BUTLER finally opens the door.JOHN spits him gum out in the hedges before entering.
BUTLER
The Master says he’s been expecting you.The BUTLER escorts JOHN through a long hallway to a set of large wooden double doors. He opens them and leads JOHN inside.
The room is ornate and filled with a multitude of expensive artwork, books, instruments, furniture, and furnishings.
BUTLER
Please wait here.JOHN enters the room, takes a long look around checking for traps.
BUTLER
(Displaying these.)
Champagne? Beluga?JOHN
(Sniffing them.)
Not at present.BUTLER
Very well, Sir.JOHN
Will Nick be gracing me with his presence soon?BUTLER
I will let him know you have arrived.JOHN, is not impressed with his surroundings, he’s seen it all before. He checks behind the stuffed sofas and the drapes, then walks toward a stunning painting of trees in a field with mountains in the background. He is captivated.
NICK tip toes into the room.
NICK
Feel the frame. Go ahead. It’s hand carved. Do you know the artist?JOHN
It’s a Monet, “Les Sables, Giverny.” It just sold at auction for 5.6 million euros.NICK
(Quite annoyed)
Indeed. I was the one who bought it.JOHN stares at NICK now. Is he dealing with an idiot?
NICK CONT
It’s oeuvre typical of Monet…JOHN
(Interrupting)
Yes, especially his brush strokes and how he establishes light. Gorgeous!NICK
(Getting angry)I find solace in your final appearance here in my hideaway, as Monet found solace in Giverny. It’s been so long since we’ve seen you….
NICK staring down JOHN and waltzing slowly toward him.
NICK CONT
By the way, how did you find us?JOHN
Is that the royal we, or are there more than one of you in there?NICK pushes a button on the side of a bookcase and it swings away from the wall. He uses the pendent (an obscure key) hanging from his neck to open the once hidden door.
JOHN checks the room behind them. No one, not even the BUTLER.
NICK then steers JOHN through the safe room door and closes it behind them. They are now in a small room with a concrete and steel staircase extending downwards.
JOHN looks at every angle: up, down, sides, corners… he sees a spider in a corner web near the stairs.
JOHN
Must be lonely in here. I know the feeling.As NICK and JOHN both descend.
NICK
Watch your head.The stairs pitch down to a medium sized room with a bomb shelter door at the far end.
The walls of the lower room are covered in rows of time cards and an old fashioned time clock. In front of the door is a metal detector with GOONS looming on either side.
The GOONS take JOHN’S gun.
Behind this door is an enormous modern bomb shelter which spreads out under the hill behind the mansion.
There are hundreds of people working on complex futuristic machinery.
NICK
Shall we?They both walk further into the brightly lit structure.
JOHN
What is this?JOHN turns and looks back at the door. He sees the other agent tied up near the exit.
NICK
It is the epicenter of my operations.JOHN
What operation is that Nick?NICK
(In a loud commanding voice filling the enormous room)
Attention!All the WORKERS stand up straight and salute NICK. We now see that they aren’t people at all, but amazing lifelike robots.
NICK CONT
And now that you’ve seen it you’ll never leave…
(Mumbling under his breath, just loud enough for John to hear)
at least not alive… just like that fellow over there. Being clobbered by animatronic fists will turn anyone’s bones to jelly.JOHN focuses at the agent again, and is stunned to realize he’s dead.
JOHN
And your plan is?NICK
To repopulate the planet of course. The world is filled with such evil people. Robots are so much nicer…
(Sniffing the air)
And they don’t fart.JOHN takes his plastic disposable lighter out of his pocket and lights the next one up.
A streak of fire startles NICK and blinds the ROBOTS.
JOHN sprints to the door.
JOHN
(Speaking to the dead AGENT)
Apologies for my late arrival.Outside the door JOHN knocks out the two GOONS, grabs his gun, and huffs it up the stairs.
NICK and the robots recover, and are in hot pursuit.
JUMP CUT TO:
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This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by Susan McClaryu.
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Thank you, and I look forward to your rewrite too, yours is very visual and I like the concept.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by
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LOGLINE: When time travel goes wrong, a man is desperate to rescue his fiancée and discover how to get back to 2023 after she gets kidnapped by an ancient Egyptian pharaoh.
ESSENCE: A man tries to get revenge on his best friend by trapping him in ancient Egypt after time travel.
EXT. PHARAOH MATUSE’S PALACE – NIGHT
Ancient Egypt. The ornate palace is lit by several flaming torches. SERVANTS tend to the eye-catching QUEEN and CONCUBINES.
JOHN, male and early 30s, holds hands with SHAYLA, early 30s female and beautiful, as they run for their lives from Pharaoh’s GUARDS who chase them on horse-drawn chariots. John and Shayla are in modern day attire. Running in front of John and Shayla is NICK, early 30s, and also in modern day attire.
JOHN
Get us outta here, Nick! NICK!
Nick runs faster and hides behind a statue. Arrows fly past John. Shayla trips over a stone and falls to the ground. As John tries to help her up GUARDS get off of the chariots and put their bows and arrows in his face. John freezes.
PHARAOH MATUSE, very royal and early 30’s, approaches on a chariot. He steps down, grabs Shayla and carries her to his chariot. He kisses her as they ride off. Shayla reaches out to John.
SHAYLA
John… John!
John tries to go to her, but a Guard knocks him face down to the ground. All Guards get on their chariots and ride away. John gets up and spits the sand out of his mouth. Nick comes out from behind the statue.
JOHN
How do we get back to 2023?!
NICK
You were the one who wanted to come here. I told you the consequences of time travel. I told you not to bring Shayla –
JOHN
Save the ‘I told you so speech’ and get us back to 2023!
NICK
It’s not that easy, John.
JOHN
You said we could get back anytime!
Nick looks away.
JOHN
What?
NICK
Uh…
JOHN
WHAT?!
NICK
Getting back to our time period is a secret.
JOHN
How much weed have you smoked, Nick?! We can’t waste time! Pharaoh Matuse just kidnapped Shayla! He could kill her!
NICK
He’s not gonna kill her. He’s gonna make her one of his concubines.
JOHN
She’s MY fiancée, Nick! Just tell me how to get back to 2023 so I can come up with a plan to rescue to her.
NICK
I’m not telling you.
JOHN
Don’t joke around!
NICK
You don’t understand. I’m going back to 2023. You’re staying here.
JOHN
Very funny. Now tell me how to get back.
NICK
I’ll tell you, but it’ll cost you.
JOHN
What are you talking about?!
NICK
You wanna get outta here? It’ll cost you big time.
JOHN
What the hell, Nick? We’re best friends!
NICK
Shayla.
JOHN
What?
NICK
You wanna get back to 2023? It’ll cost you Shayla. You owe me, remember?
JOHN
Owe you what?!
NICK
Jennifer Cordell.
JOHN
What does she have to do with –
NICK
You stole her from me.
JOHN
Nick… you seriously need to get a life, man. That was almost twenty years ago. We were in college. Jennifer, your so-called girlfriend, came on to me. I told you a million times.
NICK
You knew I loved her. You slept with her anyway.
JOHN
Jennifer didn’t love you, Nick. Hell, you two weren’t even a couple!
Nick gets in John’s face.
NICK
We’ll call it even. You stole Jennifer. Now I’m gonna be the hero to rescue Shayla and take her back to 2023 with me. She and I will be together while you’re trapped here in the eighteenth dynasty running from Pharaoh Matuse for the rest of your sorry life!
John jumps on him and starts swinging. Nick fights back. They rumble. It’s brutal. John finally knocks Nick out. John sees a strange gadget fall out of Nick’s pocket that looks like a sun dial. There’s numbers and letters on it reading, 50BC, 15AD, 1875, 1959, 1992, 2000 and 2023. John moves the dial to 2023 then modern-day SPECTATORS and TOURIST in a museum slowly appear around him. He’s in an ancient Egyptian exhibit as they admire an elaborate mask of Pharaoh Matuse displayed next to him. He notices a large ancient bust of Shayla’s face made of gold. A sign next to the bust reads FAVORITE CONCUBINE OF PHARAOH MATUSE. John sobs.
END SCENE.
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Wow. Looking forward to your rewrite!
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Hey Danielle! Just checking in to see how things are going. I’ll be checking back no matter how long this takes so don’t worry, I’ll review you. You got this!
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I am wondering the same thing. I was going to post her today. Where are you Danielle? And what about Anita? We’re missing her too.
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Hi Susan, thank you for your message. I’m sorry, I had some things come up in my life that I had to tend to, but I’m back and going to be catching up on my assignments. I hope all is well with you and your writing 🙂
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If you would like input on your class posts, I’d be happy to come back on for you.
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Hi, Christi, thank you so much! My apologies for the late reply, I had some situations in my life come up these past few weeks but I’m back in class and going to be catching up on my assignments. I hope your writing is going well 🙂
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Great scene, Danielle. The techniques are already present. I forgot some of the traits but they all came back when I read your scene. It’s adventurous, quirky, full of one-sided revenge — I mean, Nick has some serious forgiveness issues — but if John left him behind, I don’t know what that says about John.
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Thank you 🙂
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Absolutely! Don’t worry about it. We’ve got a writing group that will start up in January. Let me know if you’d like to join! Just a loose trading of scripts but good to work with other writers for a common goal!
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Thank you, the writing group sounds good… but because of my work schedule, I’ll have to pass on it this time but that you for informing me about it 🙂
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