• Michael Jones

    Member
    November 2, 2023 at 4:15 am

    Mikeโ€™s QE Cycle 2: Write this Scene

    LOGLINE: Nick wants to know who stole his stash, and John has the answer he seeks.

    ESSENCE: Nick wants a name, John wants revenge.

    SCENE:

    INT. SCHOOL BATHROOM – DAY

    John exits the bathroom stall and sees Nick standing by the door. He freezes.

    NICK

    You know what Iโ€™m here for.

    JOHN

    Stallโ€™s free. (gestures to the other ones). You didnโ€™t need to wait for the one I was using.

    NICK

    Donโ€™t make me do this.

    JOHN

    No oneโ€™s making you do anything.

    NICK

    Donโ€™t make me the villain, John. Please, wash your hands.

    John goes to the sink, eyeing Nick while washing his hands.

    JOHN

    Think you could hand me some paper towel?

    Nick smiles, pulls five towel squares from the dispenser and hands them to him. As John dries his hands, Nick puts him into a headlock, not too hard, but is it ever pleasant? John drops the paper towels.

    NICK

    I want a name, John. Thatโ€™s it. You know so you can help me know, you know? (points to the towels on the floor). You think being a janitor is easy work? Donโ€™t be selfish, John. Pick it up.

    JOHN

    (still in the headlock)

    I wouldnโ€™t want your dad to be outta work.

    NICK

    Thatโ€™s not nice, John. (releases John). Go on, pick them up.

    The trash is by the door so John readily agrees, but Nick bars the door.

    NICK

    We can keep doing this until you tell me, but, Johnโ€“let me tell youโ€“we wonโ€™t always be at school.

    John tries hiding his worry but Nick picks it up.

    NICK

    Whoโ€™s gonna look out for you? Huh? You travel in a crowd of one. Go on, you can wash your hands again.

    JOHN

    Iโ€™m good.

    NICK

    Go on. You must want to. You just picked trash up off the ground.

    John reluctantly returns to the sink. Nick nods to him so he washes his hands again. Nick takes more paper towels from the dispenser and brings it to him. John takes it and slowly dries, keeping an eye on Nick and ready to step away if he tries another headlock.

    JOHN

    I can tell.

    NICK

    I could beat you. But, you wouldnโ€™t want me suspended โ€˜cause I wouldnโ€™t want me suspended โ€˜cause that would upset my mom, and neither of us wants to upset her when all weโ€™re talking about is my little stash.

    JOHN

    It didnโ€™t look like a little.

    Nick grabs at John but he backs away. Nick backs him to the wall and grabs his shirt with both knuckles pressing into his jaw.

    NICK

    Who was it?

    JOHN

    Ask them.

    NICK

    I can make an exception about that suspension.

    JOHN

    What about your mom?

    NICK

    Whatโ€™s she have to do with this?

    JOHN

    Are you seeing a psychologist? You could really use the help.


    Nick releases him. He cracks a warning smile, shaking his finger at him.

    NICK

    John.

    JOHN

    You use that stuff to fill the void. I get it. You must have a pretty big void in there. (pointing to Nickโ€™s head).

    Nick strikes John in the stomach. A hard punch that catches John off guard. John drops to the floor, wincing and gasping for air, clutching his side. Nick watches, guilty.

    NICK

    I didnโ€™t want to do it, John. I didnโ€™t want to, but you kept at it and then I lost it. You did this.

    Nick sees tears in Johnโ€™s eyes.

    NICK

    You did this. I meanโ€ฆyou just have to tell me whoโ€ฆjust give me a name.

    John calms his breathing but still looks bad on the floor.

    NICK

    Iโ€™m sorry, John.

    John mumbles.

    NICK

    Whatโ€™s that, John? Come on, letโ€™s get you off that floor. Itโ€™s a bathroom floor, John. No place to lie around.

    Nick reaches out to help him up but John wonโ€™t take his hand. He makes his way up on his own. They stare at each other.

    JOHN

    Whoโ€™s it for?

    NICK

    Whatโ€™s that matter?

    JOHN

    You got my sister suspended by hiding a stash like that in her desk when you were almost caught the last time. You want information? Just humor me.

    NICK

    Tell me first.

    JOHN

    I donโ€™t think so.

    NICK

    If you donโ€™t Iโ€™ll do it to you all over again. This time I wonโ€™t be playing around, John. Iโ€™m being nice โ€˜cause we go way back.

    JOHN

    Then for old timesโ€™ sakeโ€ฆwho?

    NICK

    Jordan and Eric. They find โ€˜em, I supply โ€˜em.

    JOHN

    What a businessman.

    NICK

    Johnโ€“

    JOHN

    Is it true youโ€™ll be expelled if you get caught again?

    NICK

    Iโ€™ve lost track.

    Nick moves towards John again and John waits until he gets up in his face.

    JOHN

    Jared. He put it in his gym bag. Itโ€™s in his locker.

    NICK

    That wasnโ€™t so bad. Couldโ€™ve saved us a bunch of unnecessary banter.

    JOHN

    Can I wash my hands?

    NICK

    Of course. But youโ€™ll have to get your own paper towel this time.

    Nick smiles and leaves. John dries his hand and straightens himself out in the mirror.

    John pulls a stash out of his pocket.

    JOHN

    Thanks, Nick.

    He smiles and puts it back, wincing a bit and reaching for his bruised side.

    John pulls out his phone and checks if itโ€™s still recording. He got it.

    JOHN

    Bet Principle Fitz-Wallace would love to hear this. You never shouldโ€™ve blamed my sister.

  • Christi Falk

    Member
    November 4, 2023 at 4:30 pm

    Christi Falk’s QE cycle #2

    Logline: In laying his dead wife to rest, John tries and fails to take her secret to the grave.

    Essence: John is in mourning and conflicted between loyalties to the living and the dead. Nick has been tasked with the impossible from his living wife and is the only one who would gleefully be tasked with this at a funeral. We feel this confrontation is decades in the making.

    Scene: THE RECIPE

    FADE IN:

    INT. FUNERAL HOME PARLOR – DAY

    An empty room with chairs set up, facing a casket. Sparse decorations of wreaths and electric candles line the outskirts of the room. JOHN, 80s, grieving widower and NICK, 80s, family relation, approach separately to sit in the back row.

    NICK

    Hey.

    John nods but keeps his gaze on the casket.

    NICK

    So, Sadie wants to make sure you eat today. Come over after?

    John doesnโ€™t react.

    NICK

    If you need any help with….stuff…

    JOHN

    Just say it.

    NICK

    What?

    JOHN

    Youโ€™ll figure it out.

    John gets up to leave but Nick pulls him back down.

    NICK

    Okay, she was hoping to get it now that-

    JOHN

    Now that Jennyโ€™s dead? You got some stones, Nicky.

    They keep their voices down but the tone is not friendly.

    NICK

    Come on, Johnny, I know you. No way itโ€™s on a computer. It has to be written down.

    Nick looks towards the casket with surprise. He moves quickly to the front of the room with John, who knocks over his folding chair, in hot pursuit.

    Still in angry whispers.

    JOHN

    You wouldnโ€™t dare.

    John places a restraining hand over the lid. Nick smiles.

    NICK

    Come on, John. The kids all live in different cities. Itโ€™s your favourite. Wouldnโ€™t you like it every once in a while?

    JOHN

    Who says itโ€™s the only copy.

    Nick smiles as he takes a step away from the coffin.

    NICK

    You promised her it would be.

    Johnโ€™s emotions threaten as he blinks back tears.

    NICK

    Hey, what about the kids?

    JOHN

    Donโ€™t want it.

    NICK

    One day they might. Listen, Sadie is willing to promise it will go with her.

    JOHN

    Right.

    NICK

    Look, it does nothing in my hands. Its in woman shorthand. And she promises it wonโ€™t got to Aunt Helen.

    John lovingly strokes the coffin as he considers.

    JOHN

    Iโ€™m still waiting.

    NICK

    What?

    JOHN

    Havenโ€™t figured it out yet?

    John stands facing Nick for a long beat. Nick finally looks at the coffin.

    NICK

    She was s good woman. The best thing that ever happened to you. Iโ€™m-

    His voice cracks slightly

    NICK

    Iโ€™m sorry I ever said otherwise.

    John slaps him on the shoulder, then pulls out an envelope from his pocket and hands it to Nick.

    JOHN

    There, was that so hard?

    NICK

    You had it the whole time?

    John shrugs.

    JOHN

    Figured the sisters would search everywhere. Was going to throw it down with my rose.

    John and Nick walk back down the isle towards the entrance.

    JOHN

    You gonna tell her now?

    Nick shakes his head.

    NICK

    Aunt Helen just got a new hip and sheโ€™s looking to break it in. A funeral brawl would be just what the doctor ordered.

    John cracks a smile that breaks into a chuckle. Nick starts to laugh as well and the empty room is filled with joy.

  • Susan

    Member
    November 5, 2023 at 7:39 am

    Susan McClaryโ€™s QE cycle #2

    SITUATION: A face-to-face standoff where the good guy must get certain info from the bad guy before the fight starts.

    SCENE ARC: From just before the face-off to the good guy has the info.

    LOGLINE: John finds Nickโ€™s mansion hidden in the woods. He has been tasked to infiltrate Nickโ€™s lair, save a fellow agent, and get information on just how dangerous Nick is.

    ESSENCE: Nick is more dangerous than anyone thought and John really could use some help here. He must now save the world from a โ€œmad scientistโ€ who wants to destroy all of humanity.

    SCENE: The Lair

    FADE IN:

    EXT/INT MANSION

    JOHN rings the door chimes of a large mansion hidden in the woods. Then knocks repeatedly.
    A BUTLER finally opens the door.

    JOHN spits him gum out in the hedges before entering.

    BUTLER
    The Master says heโ€™s been expecting you.

    The BUTLER escorts JOHN through a long hallway to a set of large wooden double doors. He opens them and leads JOHN inside.

    The room is ornate and filled with a multitude of expensive artwork, books, instruments, furniture, and furnishings.

    BUTLER
    Please wait here.

    JOHN enters the room, takes a long look around checking for traps.

    BUTLER
    (Displaying these.)
    Champagne? Beluga?

    JOHN
    (Sniffing them.)
    Not at present.

    BUTLER
    Very well, Sir.

    JOHN
    Will Nick be gracing me with his presence soon?

    BUTLER
    I will let him know you have arrived.

    JOHN, is not impressed with his surroundings, heโ€™s seen it all before. He checks behind the stuffed sofas and the drapes, then walks toward a stunning painting of trees in a field with mountains in the background. He is captivated.

    NICK tip toes into the room.

    NICK
    Feel the frame. Go ahead. Itโ€™s hand carved. Do you know the artist?

    JOHN
    Itโ€™s a Monet, โ€œLes Sables, Giverny.โ€ It just sold at auction for 5.6 million euros.

    NICK
    (Quite annoyed)
    Indeed. I was the one who bought it.

    JOHN stares at NICK now. Is he dealing with an idiot?

    NICK CONT
    Itโ€™s oeuvre typical of Monet…

    JOHN
    (Interrupting)
    Yes, especially his brush strokes and how he establishes light. Gorgeous!

    NICK
    (Getting angry)

    I find solace in your final appearance here in my hideaway, as Monet found solace in Giverny. Itโ€™s been so long since weโ€™ve seen you….

    NICK staring down JOHN and waltzing slowly toward him.

    NICK CONT
    By the way, how did you find us?

    JOHN
    Is that the royal we, or are there more than one of you in there?

    NICK pushes a button on the side of a bookcase and it swings away from the wall. He uses the pendent (an obscure key) hanging from his neck to open the once hidden door.

    JOHN checks the room behind them. No one, not even the BUTLER.

    NICK then steers JOHN through the safe room door and closes it behind them. They are now in a small room with a concrete and steel staircase extending downwards.

    JOHN looks at every angle: up, down, sides, corners… he sees a spider in a corner web near the stairs.

    JOHN
    Must be lonely in here. I know the feeling.

    As NICK and JOHN both descend.

    NICK
    Watch your head.

    The stairs pitch down to a medium sized room with a bomb shelter door at the far end.

    The walls of the lower room are covered in rows of time cards and an old fashioned time clock. In front of the door is a metal detector with GOONS looming on either side.

    The GOONS take JOHNโ€™S gun.

    Behind this door is an enormous modern bomb shelter which spreads out under the hill behind the mansion.

    There are hundreds of people working on complex futuristic machinery.

    NICK
    Shall we?

    They both walk further into the brightly lit structure.

    JOHN
    What is this?

    JOHN turns and looks back at the door. He sees the other agent tied up near the exit.

    NICK
    It is the epicenter of my operations.

    JOHN
    What operation is that Nick?

    NICK
    (In a loud commanding voice filling the enormous room)
    Attention!

    All the WORKERS stand up straight and salute NICK. We now see that they arenโ€™t people at all, but amazing lifelike robots.

    NICK CONT
    And now that youโ€™ve seen it youโ€™ll never leave…
    (Mumbling under his breath, just loud enough for John to hear)
    at least not alive… just like that fellow over there. Being clobbered by animatronic fists will turn anyoneโ€™s bones to jelly.

    JOHN focuses at the agent again, and is stunned to realize heโ€™s dead.

    JOHN
    And your plan is?

    NICK
    To repopulate the planet of course. The world is filled with such evil people. Robots are so much nicer…
    (Sniffing the air)
    And they donโ€™t fart.

    JOHN takes his plastic disposable lighter out of his pocket and lights the next one up.

    A streak of fire startles NICK and blinds the ROBOTS.

    JOHN sprints to the door.

    JOHN
    (Speaking to the dead AGENT)
    Apologies for my late arrival.

    Outside the door JOHN knocks out the two GOONS, grabs his gun, and huffs it up the stairs.

    NICK and the robots recover, and are in hot pursuit.

    JUMP CUT TO:

    • Danielle Dillard

      Member
      November 8, 2023 at 6:22 am

      Thank you, and I look forward to your rewrite too, yours is very visual and I like the concept.

  • Danielle Dillard

    Member
    November 6, 2023 at 6:27 am

    LOGLINE: When time travel goes wrong, a man is desperate to rescue his fiancรฉe and discover how to get back to 2023 after she gets kidnapped by an ancient Egyptian pharaoh.

    ESSENCE: A man tries to get revenge on his best friend by trapping him in ancient Egypt after time travel.

    EXT. PHARAOH MATUSE’S PALACE – NIGHT

    Ancient Egypt. The ornate palace is lit by several flaming torches. SERVANTS tend to the eye-catching QUEEN and CONCUBINES.

    JOHN, male and early 30s, holds hands with SHAYLA, early 30s female and beautiful, as they run for their lives from Pharaoh’s GUARDS who chase them on horse-drawn chariots. John and Shayla are in modern day attire. Running in front of John and Shayla is NICK, early 30s, and also in modern day attire.

    JOHN

    Get us outta here, Nick! NICK!

    Nick runs faster and hides behind a statue. Arrows fly past John. Shayla trips over a stone and falls to the ground. As John tries to help her up GUARDS get off of the chariots and put their bows and arrows in his face. John freezes.

    PHARAOH MATUSE, very royal and early 30’s, approaches on a chariot. He steps down, grabs Shayla and carries her to his chariot. He kisses her as they ride off. Shayla reaches out to John.

    SHAYLA

    John… John!

    John tries to go to her, but a Guard knocks him face down to the ground. All Guards get on their chariots and ride away. John gets up and spits the sand out of his mouth. Nick comes out from behind the statue.

    JOHN

    How do we get back to 2023?!

    NICK

    You were the one who wanted to come here. I told you the consequences of time travel. I told you not to bring Shayla –

    JOHN

    Save the ‘I told you so speech’ and get us back to 2023!

    NICK

    It’s not that easy, John.

    JOHN

    You said we could get back anytime!

    Nick looks away.

    JOHN

    What?

    NICK

    Uh…

    JOHN

    WHAT?!

    NICK

    Getting back to our time period is a secret.

    JOHN

    How much weed have you smoked, Nick?! We can’t waste time! Pharaoh Matuse just kidnapped Shayla! He could kill her!

    NICK

    He’s not gonna kill her. He’s gonna make her one of his concubines.

    JOHN

    She’s MY fiancรฉe, Nick! Just tell me how to get back to 2023 so I can come up with a plan to rescue to her.

    NICK

    I’m not telling you.

    JOHN

    Don’t joke around!

    NICK

    You don’t understand. I’m going back to 2023. You’re staying here.

    JOHN

    Very funny. Now tell me how to get back.

    NICK

    I’ll tell you, but it’ll cost you.

    JOHN

    What are you talking about?!

    NICK

    You wanna get outta here? It’ll cost you big time.

    JOHN

    What the hell, Nick? We’re best friends!

    NICK

    Shayla.

    JOHN

    What?

    NICK

    You wanna get back to 2023? It’ll cost you Shayla. You owe me, remember?

    JOHN

    Owe you what?!

    NICK

    Jennifer Cordell.

    JOHN

    What does she have to do with –

    NICK

    You stole her from me.

    JOHN

    Nick… you seriously need to get a life, man. That was almost twenty years ago. We were in college. Jennifer, your so-called girlfriend, came on to me. I told you a million times.

    NICK

    You knew I loved her. You slept with her anyway.

    JOHN

    Jennifer didn’t love you, Nick. Hell, you two weren’t even a couple!

    Nick gets in John’s face.

    NICK

    We’ll call it even. You stole Jennifer. Now I’m gonna be the hero to rescue Shayla and take her back to 2023 with me. She and I will be together while you’re trapped here in the eighteenth dynasty running from Pharaoh Matuse for the rest of your sorry life!

    John jumps on him and starts swinging. Nick fights back. They rumble. It’s brutal. John finally knocks Nick out. John sees a strange gadget fall out of Nick’s pocket that looks like a sun dial. There’s numbers and letters on it reading, 50BC, 15AD, 1875, 1959, 1992, 2000 and 2023. John moves the dial to 2023 then modern-day SPECTATORS and TOURIST in a museum slowly appear around him. He’s in an ancient Egyptian exhibit as they admire an elaborate mask of Pharaoh Matuse displayed next to him. He notices a large ancient bust of Shayla’s face made of gold. A sign next to the bust reads FAVORITE CONCUBINE OF PHARAOH MATUSE. John sobs.

    END SCENE.

    • Susan

      Member
      November 6, 2023 at 5:17 pm

      Wow. Looking forward to your rewrite!

    • Christi Falk

      Member
      November 25, 2023 at 2:52 pm

      Hey Danielle! Just checking in to see how things are going. I’ll be checking back no matter how long this takes so don’t worry, I’ll review you. You got this!

      • Susan

        Member
        November 25, 2023 at 6:16 pm

        I am wondering the same thing. I was going to post her today. Where are you Danielle? And what about Anita? We’re missing her too.

        • Danielle Dillard

          Member
          December 29, 2023 at 6:10 am

          Hi Susan, thank you for your message. I’m sorry, I had some things come up in my life that I had to tend to, but I’m back and going to be catching up on my assignments. I hope all is well with you and your writing ๐Ÿ™‚

          • Susan

            Member
            December 30, 2023 at 4:26 am

            If you would like input on your class posts, I’d be happy to come back on for you.

      • Danielle Dillard

        Member
        December 29, 2023 at 6:09 am

        Hi, Christi, thank you so much! My apologies for the late reply, I had some situations in my life come up these past few weeks but I’m back in class and going to be catching up on my assignments. I hope your writing is going well ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Michael Jones

      Member
      December 31, 2023 at 7:34 pm

      Great scene, Danielle. The techniques are already present. I forgot some of the traits but they all came back when I read your scene. It’s adventurous, quirky, full of one-sided revenge — I mean, Nick has some serious forgiveness issues — but if John left him behind, I don’t know what that says about John.

  • Christi Falk

    Member
    December 29, 2023 at 7:45 pm

    Absolutely! Don’t worry about it. We’ve got a writing group that will start up in January. Let me know if you’d like to join! Just a loose trading of scripts but good to work with other writers for a common goal!

    • Danielle Dillard

      Member
      January 1, 2024 at 11:33 pm

      Thank you, the writing group sounds good… but because of my work schedule, I’ll have to pass on it this time but that you for informing me about it ๐Ÿ™‚

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