Lesson 8 Assignments

[Jack Young]

What I learned doing this assignment is that we need to continually look for more concise and intriguing ways to tell our story.

Jack Young’s Intrigue Patterns in the TV Pitch Bible for “STREAM”

I went through the TV Pitch Bible and tried to rewrite the lines so that they were more intriguing. I’m not sure what we were supposed to post here, so I posted the updated TV Pitch Bible below.

“STREAM”

An Original Series by Jackie Lynn Young

GENRE: SCI-FI

FORMAT: Episodic 8×60’

Concept:

A foreclosure specialist and cheating husband dying from terminal cancer must enter an energy Stream that leads to another world to save mankind.

World of this show:

There are several unexplored worlds in this show; A mystical world of Astral traveling where souls are being kidnapped into an energy Stream where Michael must die to enter and stop the no-birth crisis; The Ocean of Souls is a world that mimics Heaven but is actually a holding tank for souls; and The Planet of Seals is a planet that houses 6 mammoth sacred seals that keep the unimaginable evil at bay.

Show Summary:

Foreclosure Specialist, Michael Walker, wants to be a good husband. This would be true except for the fact that he can’t seem to end an affair with a secretary at work, and has just lost the family savings in an illegal inside-trader stock deal. Oh, and his business partner who supplied the insider trading info just flipped on him at the local FBI headquarters office. If this isn’t enough, his brother’s death haunts him with his father blaming him for his death.

As he tries to find his way through his personal problems, a no-birth epidemic looms over everyone on the planet as his terrible migraines get worse and worse. But as if things seem they can’t get any worse, he’ll soon discover that he may be mankind’s only hope to end the current no-birth epidemic. But it will cost him his life!

Why will it cost him his life? Because it’s been his destiny his whole life. Michael, as a young boy would have drowned in a pool if his older brother had not been there. Michael died that day…only for a short time. But long enough to have a fantastical vision of him floating in an ocean of souls. Above him in the sky formed a mammoth disk with ancient scribes and symbols on it. When he reached out to touch it, his brother revived him.

As Michael discovers that the source of his migraines is terminal brain cancer, supernatural events lead him towards a man that has the answers…what is causing the epidemic and why Michael must die to stop it. Professor Darlington theorizes that an anomaly in the astral plane (an energy stream) is stealing all of the souls from our planet. Shunned by the scientific community as a lunatic, the Professor has put together a team and has developed a method to send a man (Michael) into the energy stream.

But Michael’s wife, Diane, is not going for it. She wants to see the Stream herself. After some beginner training in Astral Projection. The Professor’s young team of Astral travelers guide Michael and Diane into the Astral plane to see firsthand the Stream that is stealing souls. Although warned about getting too close to the Stream, Diane, mesmerized by its magnitude, is pulled into the Stream. The team quickly goes into action to pull her from the raging energy stream as new and old souls pass them by, reinforcing the Professor’s theory that it is indeed stealing souls.

The night before Michael is to make his voyage into the Stream, his health deteriorates even more as he and his wife reflect on the events that have lead up to Michael’s last day on Earth. Michael confesses his infidelities and regrets. Diane holds back as Michael pleads that she forgive him before he dies.

Thomas, a MIT engineer and close friend of the Professor, designed the preservation pod that will keep Michael’s body at the precise temperature to prevent cellular damage while Michael is on his journey. How does a man who lost his faith years ago willingly lay inside a chamber and have his heart stopped so he can be projected into an energy stream that goes who knows where? And how does he do this knowing that he may never see his wife or son ever again? Michael knows the answer…..it’s his destiny..

CHARACTER DESCRIPTIONS:

MICHAEL WALKER:

Michael is a family man and a caring and loving brother. The FBI has issued a warrant for his arrest for insider trading violations. He takes risk with finances and relationships to get ahead and protect family during the unprecedented no-birth crisis that has swept the world for 5 years. Michael is a man who has lost faith and has lost his way with his family.

PROFESSOR ALBERT DARLINGTON:

The Professor is a mentor to Michael on his journey into the Stream. He’s an expert in the field of Astral travel and has a specialized team of college students that he also mentors. His theory that the no-birth epidemic is being caused by the Stream discovered in the Astral plane is not accepted in scientific communities and the Government thinks he’s a quack. So he’s been left to his own devices to prove his theory and stop the epidemic. The problem is that it requires someone to die to prove his theory. He is secretly designing a device that disconnects the human soul from the body. He plans to use it to take his own Astral journey to look for his wife in the hereafter who suddenly died several years earlier. He knows that the chances of Michael returning home once the Stream has been shut down are slim to none but he will have to withhold this truth in order to convince Michael to die and enter the Stream.

DIANE WALKER:

Diane is Michael’s wife and mother to his son, Nicholas. Her main role is to protect her son during the no-birth epidemic that has been raging for 5 years. Her son is one of the last children born before the no-birth epidemic began. She suspects that Michael has been having an affair but doesn’t want confrontation. She, of course, has her own secrets such as the fact that she had a brief affair with Michael’s older brother before he died and, unknown to Michael, was the last one with his brother before he overdosed. She allows the deception that Michael was responsible for his brother’s suicide. She wants for her son to grow up in a better world and wants to feel safe again. She feels powerless to fix her life and world.

CRONUS

Cronus is a hybrid human made of human DNA (From an alien captured human specimen) and alien DNA. Cronus is a complicated creature that is evil, sadistic, cunning, and sometime depraved. Yet he is not without his own weaknesses and faults that derive from his human DNA. He rules his kingdom with an iron hand with only one mission in mind; the removal of the sacred seals that have been in place since the beginning of the universe and keep the most evil elements of the universe at bay. The evil behind the seals will make him the most powerful creature in the universe.

HARRY MILES

Harry is an agent at the department of Homeland Security Agency. Harry is your typical Boy Scout. Harry was assigned the investigation into the no-birth epidemic and is investigating the Professor’s connection to the epidemic. He became involved when Michael’s death was reported and involved the FBI because of Michael’s body crossing state lines. Harry, like many other people, has been touched by the no-birth epidemic. Harry’ has a teen daughter and was expecting his first boy, but he was born stillborn like all of the other babies born during the epidemic. Harry is the type of man that feels that it is essential for the bloodline to go on. So Harry takes the case personally. Harry and his team will ultimately come to the same decision that the Professor has come to, some intelligence has created an energy stream that is stealing souls from Earth and creating the no-birth epidemic. He will also lead the effort to create a government team made up of Army warfighters and him (as team leader) that will also go into the Stream in an effort to shut it down.

SEASON I, EPISODE DESCRIPTIONS:

EPISODE I: Michael Crosses Over

As a child, Michael almost drowns and has a vision of the mammoth sacred seals. At work, as Michael repossesses the home and car of an old woman, he gets word that the FBI has issued a warrant for his arrest for an illegal stock deal. Michael breaks off an affair with his secretary while his headaches intensify. Michael has visions of the Stream and Professor and discovers that he has terminal brain cancer. Michael meets the Professor and Thomas who want to stop his heart and send him into the Stream. Michael dies to enter the Stream and begins his journey.

EPISODE II: The Sorcerer’s Dark Story.

During the dark ages, a king sends his sons to investigate darkness over the kingdom. His sons find the Sorcerer summoning darkness and creating monsters (Contributing to the Dark Ages). The Sorcerer dies during the fight and is thrown into the portal that leads to the planet of Sacred Seals. The elder son kills his brother over his affair with his wife during the chaos. The king kills his traitorous son for his other son’s murder.

EPISODE III: An Alien Invasion Fails

Aliens arrive on planet of seals. Aliens discover the seals as a source of strange/dark power. Aliens discover it is evil and try to escape but find that they are trapped on planet. Evil infiltrates ship and causes pregnancy of human and other specimens resulting in new kinds of evil/dark creatures being born.

EPISODE IV: Cronus is Born

Cronus is born of a female human and grows to take control of the aliens. Cronus discovers the body of the Sorcerer near the Seals. The Sorcerer is reanimated and becomes aid to Cronus. Cronus develops plan to raise the 6 Sacred Seals. The Sorcerer devises methods with Aliens to bring workers to planet. Sorcerer and Aliens develop the Stream to steals souls for slave workers. The City of Seals is built around the seals.

EPISODE V: The Professor’s Stories of the Astral World

A group of college students experiment with astral projection. Professor Darlington becomes aware of their activities. The Professor approaches the students and mentors them on Astral Projection. Professor reveals his origin and dark secrets of Astral Projection. Professor and students discover the “Stream” in the Astral plane. Professor makes connection to no-birth and is ridiculed by science community.

EPISODE VI: Am I in Heaven?

Michael lets go of his life and revisits the highlights of his life as his soul leaves his body and enters the Astral plane. The Astral team, guided by the Professor, ensures that Michael enters the Stream and is on his way. Michael arrives in the Ocean of Souls (Heaven). Michael is plucked from the Ocean of Souls and is given a new “Skin”. Michael is assigned work in the Black Forest.

EPISODE VII: Keeping the Body Alive

Michael’s wife escapes with Michael’s preserved body. Thomas steals equipment to maintain Michael’s body. Police implement a wide area search for Michael’s wife. Thomas is killed. He finds himself in the Ocean of Souls.

EPISODE VIII: The Professor’s Secret Soul Experiments

The Professor has a breakthrough discovery on human soul/body connection. Police confers with FBI on Professor’s work. FBI hones in on the Professor’s research and assigns the case to Homeland Security agent (Harry Miles). The Professor flees with his team. The Professor succeeds with a test of is new device. Michael travels to the City of Seals and sees the seals for the first time.

FIVE SEASONS DESCRIPTION:

SEASON I: The Death of Michael

Michael takes step in his journey to see what exists on the other end of the Stream. Michael is dying, being pursued by the government, and dealing with forces that are trying to stop him from entering the Stream. Can Michael get to the other end of the Stream and stop it? Michael is plucked from what appears to be a version of Heaven and finds himself in a synthetic skin on a strange planet.

SEASON II: There’s a Much, Much Bigger Problem…

Michael discovers that a bigger problem than the Stream stealing souls exists after arriving on the Planet of Seals. A whole city has been built on the planet around 6 mammoth Sacred Seals buried in the ground. Hundreds of thousands of humans and millions of “Skins” have been imprisoned on the planet and employed as workers to raise the sacred seals. Michael searches for answers about the Stream while the Professor visits the Ocean of Souls looking for his deceased wife and the government steps up its investigation of the professor, convinced he’s responsible for the no-birth epidemic.

Can Michael find the source of the Stream and shut it down? On Earth, Thomas gets killed while protecting Michael’s body and finds himself in the Ocean of Souls while homeland Security preps their own team of Army Rangers to journey into the Stream to shut it down.

SEASON III: Ocean of Souls

Thomas searches for Michael as a revolution builds against Cronus where Michael hesitantly accepts his role as leader. Cronus steps up crushing dissidence and removing the final sacred seals. War is imminent. Will the revolution succeed and will Cronus remove the final seals? Michael falls onto the seals and isn’t immediately disintegrated like others. He accepts his destiny. He is chosen. Michael consolidates his armies along with Harry and his men who have come to Michael’s aid to destroy Cronus and the Stream.

SEASON IV: Son of Cronus

Cronus’ concubine returns to Earth carrying his child…the son of Cronus. Michael returns home, having destroyed the Stream. Babies are born again. The epidemic averted. The birth of Cronus’ son has brought the evil back to Earth. What will the evil that was brought back to Earth do? The son of Cronus is elected as VP of the United States.

SEASON V: The Battle for Mankind’s Souls

The son of Cronus gains power in the political world as a small group of rebels grows having perceived his evil intentions. Michael finds himself and family drawn into a new war against evil that he thought had been destroyed. The son of Cronus and his armies against the rebel force being led by Michael. Can the son of Cronus gain power over the world and will the sacred seals now be successfully removed by the son of Cronus? Newly designed “Military” skins guard the sacred seals on a foreign planet, forever guarding against the evil returning.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  Jack Young.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  Jack Young.

[Eric Humble]

Eric Humble’s Intrigue Patterns

What I learned doing this assignment is: how many variations I can use on a single sentence to make it intriguing and much more dynamic than my original. This was a fun assignment. I was surprised to see how interesting and intriguing I could make these sentences just by applying the patterns and not even worrying about the words. I can’t wait to apply this to the whole Bible!

Concept 1:

To understand what he’s up against, Jude infiltrates a Big Pharma conglomerate making billions off the “business of cancer.” But this masks an esoteric cabal dedicated to eradicating people of certain genetic lineages… people who have walked the earth for centuries. People like Dres.

A. Establish something shocking and point to the terrible things it could mean.

The Big Pharma corporation is clearly more interested in keeping patients sick than curing cancer–how else would their profit margins stay in the billions? In fact, if a real cure did exist, they have ways of keeping it off the market… they’ve been doing it for centuries.

B. Strong statement; question about something underhanded beneath the surface.

Jude gets a job at the Big Pharma corporation and finds everything completely aboveboard. So why would a dead assassin have a company-issued keycard to the fiftieth floor–a floor that’s been under repair since the 1920s?

C. Question that points to hidden agendas, hidden identity, conspiracy, etc..

Why would a company which makes billions off the “business of cancer” have need of a paid assassin?

D. Character 1 is convinced/worried/wondering that Character 2 has done _____________.

Jude accepts a position at Marks’s Big Pharma corporation. The money is great, as you’d expect from a business that profits off of an incurable disease like cancer. But Jude is reluctant to share that he may, in fact, have found a cure… because somebody hired that assassin to try and kill Dres, the source of the cure.

E. But maybe it is all wrong.

Marks’s Big Pharma company welcomes Jude with open arms. Shiny new lab, eager lab assistants, huge paycheck–everything a business that makes steadily increasing billions off of “the business of cancer” can afford… which, is to say, everything. And with Marks being so encouraging, Jude suspects that maybe they do want him to produce the cure for cancer after all. The materials and distribution are all in place. The Board is awaiting the “big announcement” as soon as he starts. Maybe they operate in total good faith. But, then again, there was that assassin who almost killed the only known source of the cure. And the unfamiliar people in expensive suits who convene every month in the oldest part of the building, the one that’s off-limits even to the executive staff.

F. A Pattern that Leads to Future Consequences

Jude accepts a position at Marks’s Big Pharma corporation, hoping he might confirm the dark web’s rumors about a cabal of powerful people operating out of here. At first, he’s greeted with a huge paycheck–the kind you’d expect from a company that profits off of an incurable disease. But when he suggests he may finally have a true cure in the works, the environment changes… and by the time the dust settles, he’ll wish he never scratched the surface of the big old company.

G. If he does ________________, that means ___Intrigue_____.

Jude accepts a position at Marks’s Big Pharma corporation, hoping he might confirm the dark web’s rumors about a cabal of powerful people operating out of here. The company seems normal enough–if profiting off the unending treatments of cancer is considered “normal.” If he keeps his head down and does his work, he’ll have a nice, comfortable life as a company man. But if he digs even a little bit, he may end up another researcher who disappeared under mysterious circumstances… and he’s growing wary of some of the new, well-to-do people who keep convening in a closed wing of the building.

H. State the mystery.

The Big Pharma company is headquartered in a tall, old fortress of a building, fitting for a company that makes billions off of an incurable disease like cancer. But does it conceal a cabal of powerful people who have operated for centuries?

I. Should be/could be _______, but it is even worse.

The Big Pharma company welcomes Jude with open arms, pledging support and offering a huge salary–as you would expect from a company whose biggest profits come from an incurable disease like cancer. This should be a dream job for him… if it wasn’t a front for a cabal of powerful people out to stop him from releasing his cancer cure.

J. Intense language.

Marks’s Big Pharma company is a giant drug dealer made of concrete and glass. Medicines that treat but don’t cure are prioritized here. Insurance claims are negotiated ever upward. It’s small wonder that the company is a front for something more sinister–monthly meetings in the old part of the building with the kind of people who hire assassins.

Concept 2:

Darren quits the FBI in a rage. Realizes Scoleri is too protected now and ruthless enough to go all the way and win, further increasing his powers… which means the only way to finally catch him is to be there at the end of the line.

A. Establish something shocking and point to the terrible things it could mean.

Scoleri has personally slit throats for far less than the powers of the Presidency. And Darren has seen firsthand what he can do when he’s driven. He’ll have to head him off somewhere down the line, but if he doesn’t pick just the right time and just the right move to arrest him, he’ll lose his only chance at it…again.

B. Strong statement; question about something underhanded beneath the surface.

If anyone can pull off a surprise come-from-behind win in the Presidential race, it’s Scoleri. It’s just a question of how many people he’ll order killed to get there.

C. Question that points to hidden agendas, hidden identity, conspiracy, etc..

How do you win a Presidential election when you’ve just entered a few weeks before the National Convention, have no standing within the delegation, no idea how DC politics work… and the only thing you have is a network of thugs who specialize in terror and torture?

D. Character 1 is convinced/worried/wondering that Character 2 has done _____________.

Darren is wondering what tactic Scoleri will take to finally win the Presidency. The man has had people killed, tortured, and buried alive to get what he wanted, so Darren can only imagine what he has up sleeve on the road to the White House.

E. But maybe it is all wrong.

But maybe Scoleri won’t win the Presidency. He’s behind the eightball with no experience in politics, no time to launch a successful grassroots following, and no standing with the delegation. It’s the longest of long shots. Maybe he’ll drop out or simply lose and Darren will be able to arrest him. Then again, Scoleri has killed his way in and out of tighter spots before.

F. A Pattern that Leads to Future Consequences

Scoleri is certainly out-matched by the politicos in the race. But Darren is already his usual pattern emerge: gathering intel about his enemies, strongarming the vulnerable ones into submission… after that, he usually goes for the stubborn, unbending people who refuse to yield. And that, historically speaking, is when streets run red with blood.

G. If he does ________________, that means ___Intrigue_____.

If Darren exposes Scoleri now, while his position is still weak, that backs him into a corner– and that position is historically his most dangerous. Darren opts to lie in wait, catch him when he’s long forgotten he’s being watched… at the homestretch of the primaries.

H. State the mystery.

Who put Scoleri in this position and did they do just to see him lose? No, this is a challenge, not a humiliation. Whoever set this up wants Scoleri to win the White House. The real question is whether or not they want Darren to stop him just before he crosses the finish line?

I. Should be/could be _______, but it is even worse.

This should be an easy arrest, just a bump in the road. After all, Scoleri has no experience in politics, no time to launch a successful grassroots following, and no standing with the delegation. It’s the longest of long shots. All Darren should need to do is watch and wait, then swoop in the second Scoleri’s out of race. Scoleri is already bold moves, commandeering a reporter and his staff as his own private army of spies. He’s entrenching himself, and with Scoleri, once the trenches are dug, the World War begins.

J. Intense language.

Scoleri can blackmail, drug, and murder his way into any place he wants, even the White House. Darren settles in for the long game. If he has a prayer of stopping Scoleri from taking the Presidency and burning American democracy to the ground, it’s in slow, deliberate steps. But he needs to play it just right or he’ll end up a grease-spot.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Intrigue Patterns

What I learned doing this assignment is by using intrigue patterns, I can change a bland line into something much more interesting and intriguing.

Here’s the line I want to make more intriguing: “A risk averse art history professor competes with a ruthless Russian art thief to find a cache of masterpieces stolen during the Bolshevik Revolution …

A. Establish something shocking and point to the terrible things it could mean.

All Sophie wants to do is to stick to the rules imposed on her by the U. S. witness protection program, but one little mistake in front of a Russian art thief competing with her over a cache of Old Russian Masters, missing since the Bolshevik Revolution, could send her back to square one.

B. Strong statement; question about something underhanded beneath the surface.

Sophie has successfully abided by the rules of witness protection for twenty years, but a near fatal attack on Zhora by a Russian art thief looking for a cache of Old Russian Masters could mean they’re true identities have been exposed.

C. Question that points to hidden agendas, hidden identity, conspiracy, etc..

Sophie has advanced her career as an art history professor under an assumed name while living in witness protection. So why does a Russian art thief have an interest in her? And what is he grooming her for?

D. Character 1 is convinced/worried/wondering that Character 2 has done _____________.

Sophie believes her father, Zhora, has been living quietly and abiding by witness protection rules for twenty years until he is gunned down by two Russian goons. Now, she suspects their cover is blown.

E. But maybe it is all wrong.

Sophie and Zhora lead quiet lives, she as a respected art history professor and he as a Russian translator, but suddenly something seems to be wrong. Zhora is nearly killed by Russian gunmen, who then burgle Sophie’s house.

F. A Pattern that Leads to Future Consequences

Sophie lives a quiet, respected life as an art history professor until her father, Zhora, is gunned down by Russians, who then burgle Sophie’s house. What are the Russians after?

G. If he does ________________, that means ___Intrigue_____.

Just because Zhora is nearly killed by Russian goons and Sophie’s house gets burgled doesn’t mean their witness protection identities have been blown, does it?

H. State the mystery.

Who are the Russians who gunned down Zhora and burgled Sophie’s house? Could they be enemies from Zhora’s FSB past? Or is something else going on here?

I. Should be/could be _______, but it is even worse.

It’s a Russian defector’s success story that Sophie and Zhora have built new, successful lives in the U. S. while living in witness protection, but now that Zhora is struggling to overcome his attack and Sophie is trying to keep burglars at bay, their struggles to be normal may have been for naught.

J. Intense language.

Sophie and Zhora defected to the U. S. and learned to live under new identities in witness protection. What did they do that demanded they escape Russia?

I added “A. Establish something shocking and point to the terrible things it could mean” to the concept section. Later, I will rewrite the concept using this new line.

[George Petersen]

George Petersen – INTRIGE PATTERNS

What I learned doing this assignment is how many flexible ways there are to say the same thing.

Pinkerton preps Kate for being a Union spy with the ferocious Confederate Captain Ferrandini as the target.

A. Establish something shocking and point to the terrible things it could mean.

When Kate observes Ferrandini on a dark street, lighting a dummy in a top hat on fire to cheers from those surrounding him, she asks Pinkerton to make him a target of the investigation.

B. Strong statement; question about something underhanded beneath the surface.

When Ferrandini greets Pinkerton with a mysterious hand signal, Pinkerton alerts Kate that it’s time to make him a target of the investigation.

C. Question that points to hidden agendas, hidden identity, conspiracy, etc..

When Kate observes Ferrandini giving mysterious hand signals to his customers, she asks Pinkerton to make him a target.

D. Character 1 is convinced/worried/wondering that Character 2 has done _____________.

When Ferrandini marches his armed militia through the city streets, Kate tells Pinkerton it’s time to make him a target.

E. But maybe it is all wrong.

When Ferrandini starts closing the doors to his barber shop around noon each day, Kate tells Pinkerton it’s time to make him a target.

F. A Pattern that Leads to Future Consequences

After Kate observes Ferrandini meeting with Cane, the head of the Police Force, Cane proclaims that no policemen will be needed when Lincoln arrives in Baltimore. Kate tells Pinkerton it’s time to make Ferrandini a target.

G. If he does ________________, that means ___Intrigue_____.

When Ferrandini starts drilling the militia all day long, Kate feels it’s time to make him a target.

H. State the mystery.

When Kate observes Ferrandini giving mysterious hand signals to men he passes in the street, she asks Pinkerton to make him a target.

I. Should be/could be _______, but it is even worse.

Pinkerton thought Ferrandini was his friend, but Kate teaches Pinkerton he is an assassin. Time to make him a target.

J. Intense language.

When Ferrandini marches his armed militia through the city streets, Kate worries someone will get killed. Time to make him a target.

[Eloise Healey]

Eloise Healey’s Intrigue Patterns

What I learned from doing this assignment is that this exercise can open up story possibilities as well as making my language choices more dynamic.

Improve a bland line:

Fit and capable despite her many scars, Ellen is a natural leader.

1. Establish something shocking and the terrible things it could mean:

Raped, brutalised and unfairly imprisoned, Ellen is ready to lead, not follow.

2. Strong statement, question about something underhanded underneath:

Fit and capable despite her many scars, leadership isn’t something that comes naturally to Ellen – it’s something she’s had to learn.

3. Questions that point to hidden agendas, hidden identity, conspiracy, etc:
Ellen seems capable, confident, a natural leader – but how did she get those scars? And how many more does she have that nobody will ever see?

4. Character 1 is worried Character 2 has done X:

Fit and capable, Ellen appears to be a natural leader, but Ann is convinced Ellen lacks the stomach to handle the tough times ahead – nobody worth following should have scars like she does.

5. But maybe it is all wrong:

Fit, capable, confident – Ellen seems to be a natural leader but the scars that criss-cross her back suggest she’s stubborn and unruly, incapable of knowing when to compromise.

6. A pattern that leads to future consequences:

Ellen plans to lead the community with confidence, compassion and integrity – which is easy in theory but harder when sheer survival is at stake.

7. If she does X, that means Y:

But just because Ellen has clarity and confidence, that doesn’t mean she’s fit to lead others – as her scars attest.

8. State the mystery:

Why is Ellen so determined to live in an all-female colony?

9. Should be X, but is worse:

The scars across Ellen’s back should be the last she has to live with, but leading the all-female colony will result in damage far worse.

10. Intense language:

Raw ridges of scars pattern Ellen’s back, each one a reminder of something far more painful than the lash that created them.