Lesson 9

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Dialogue 4 – 6

What I learned doing this assignment is by going over the dialogue multiple times, using various dialogue techniques, I can make the dialogue much more interesting. Before this, I didn’t realize how complex dialogue can be or how many ways it can move the story forward.

A bonus is that I find other ways to improve the story with each pass I make. Yay!

Setup/Payoff

SOPHIE

Oh, Papa.

Bill holds out his handkerchief.

Sophie takes it.

SOPHIE

Thank you.

She blows her nose.

SOPHIE

Does he know about Falisa?

BILL

He was there. He knows.

SOPHIE

Who would do this?

BILL

Russians. They might have known Zhora from before.

SOPHIE

(wary)

Before?

BILL

Before he defected.

SOPHIE

Exactly who are you to my father?

BILL

Officially, I’m his handler. Otherwise, I’m his friend.

SOPHIE

C-I-A?

Bill shows her his credentials and badge.

BILL

F-B-I Special Agent Bill Hillman.

Sophie looks down at Zhora.

SOPHIE

So he’s not really a translator.

BILL

He is a translator. A very good one. It’s a perfect cover.

Anticipatory Dialogue

ZHORA

The painting has been in a cardboard box in a self-storage unit for 20 years. No one would be so careless with a masterpiece.

SOPHIE

If she knew what she had. You know Papa, if it’s genuine —

ZHORA

Stop… I see it now. A publication in a prestigious journal, a new line on your curriculum vitae, elevation to faculty tenure, and –

SOPHIE

The slightest thing she knows could point me in the right direction.

ZHORA

Falisa is cooking me lunch today. If she agrees to an interview, I’ll text you.

SOPHIE

Thank you, Papa.

Ironic Dialogue

Olivia hands Sophie an elegant envelope.

OLIVIA

Your invitation to the opening reception.

Sophie opens the invitation.

SOPHIE

Two tickets?

OLIVIA

In case you want to bring someone.

SOPHIE

Only if someone tall and handsome sweeps me off my feet before then.

OLIVIA

How likely is that? The only people you associate with are nuns… Doesn’t that worry you?

[Jack Young]

Jack Young’s Dialogue 4 – 6 for “STREAM”

A. Setup / Payoff

1. When the professor goes to the jail to get Diane and Thomas released, Ava shows him an Internet news item that has the police looking for the Professor as an accomplice to murder. This sets up a scene where the Professor will use a secret technique of materializing his physical body in the jail to break them out.

2. Michael experiences the power of the “Stream” in a dream, as well as experiencing a brief moment in the “Ocean of Souls” and also encounters the “Sorcerer”. Later, Michael will note that he has been in the Stream before. When Michael arrives on the alien planet where the Stream ends and the 6 seals are located, the audience will discover that the Sorcerer is an evil part of the kingdom that runs the planet.

B. Anticipatory Dialogue

1. Countdown: Michael is told he has 5 days to shut down the stream.

2. Warnings: The Professor warns us in an interview that if we don’t do something, mankind will cease to exist in less than 100 years.

C. Ironic Dialogue

1. WORDS OPPOSITE CHARACTER – Diane, Michael’s wife is ready to divorce over Michael’s affair if it weren’t for her young son. This is demonstrated by dialogue when Diane shows up at the lounge and Michael has passed out. She has a chance encounter with his mistress and recognizes her perfume. She confronts her about the affair but later when Michael is willing to die and enter the stream, she asks why she can’t hate him.

2. When Michael’s mistress shows up the bar to torture Michael about getting his job and told the FBI of his whereabouts, Michael says he doesn’t remember what he ever saw in her. But when he’s leaving the lounge, he tells her thanks for helping through a tough time (His brother’s death).

[George Petersen]

George Petersen – DIALOGUE 4 – 6

What I learned doing this assignment is how pliable dialogue is, if you take the time to play with it.

*****

Setup / Payoff:

PINKERTON

An independent woman… Do you have any skills? Have you been trained?

KATE

My husband supported me as an actress.

PINKERTON

An actress? And how might that experience prepare you for secretarial work?

KATE

Mr. Pinkerton, I don’t want to be a secretary.

Pinkerton turns around, looks at her.

KATE

I want to be a detective.

*

INT. BARBER SHOP – DAY

Ferrandini unravels the towel, brushes Pinkerton off.

FERRANTINO

You have my word, Mr. Hutchinson. Mr. Lincoln will not pass through Baltimore alive.

Pinkerton stands up to go.

PINKERTON

I like you, Cypriano. I find you, well, trustworthy. But I cannot lay down the kind of money we’re talking about without some kind of proof. I need proof.

FERRANTINO

I understand. You shall have it.

PINKERTON

When?

FERRANTINO

Soon.

Ferrandini counts his money again, puts it in the register. Pinkerton is just about out the door, when,

FERRANTINO

Red.

PINKERTON

What?

FERRANTINO

Red. I remember now. The ballot will be red.

EXT. STREET – DAY

Pinkerton bundles up, walks briskly down the windy street. His face is jubilant.

*****

Anticipatory Dialogue:

There is such a case. The Adam’s Express case. Embezzlement. The wife may know where the money is hidden.

Pinkerton turns to face her.

Miss Kate. Can you find the money?

I can find it, Mr. Pinkerton. And I will find it.

*

DAVIES

Weinstock will have to become a full fledged Knight in order to draw a ballot. It’s not an easy thing.

PINKERTON

A ritual? How hard can that be?

DAVIES

The whole thing could be wishful thinking on the part of a drunken man… except that Weinstock mentioned the color of the ballot that is to be drawn. That bit of detail makes the entire story authentic.

*****

Ironic Dialogue:

Pinkerton watches the hoopla out his window.

PINKERTON

What are these people so happy about? Do they really think anything’s going to change? You really think one man can make a difference? In a country of, what, 30 million?

KATE

31 million.

Pinkerton turns to look at her.

PINKERTON

How old are you?

KATE

28.

PINKERTON

Mmmm. You’re good with numbers. Unfortunately I don’t have any openings right now for a secretarial position.

*

LINCOLN

Gentlemen. America will not be destroyed from the outside.

Lincoln spreads out his large hands in a gesture pleading for understanding.

LINCOLN

If we falter and lose our freedom, it will be because we destroyed ourselves.

Rhett grabs Lincoln’s ankle and pulls him down. Within seconds, Lincoln is swept away. The Crowd swiftly transforms into a roaring MOB.

*

FERRANTINO

One must be careful. Baltimore is filled with spies, Mr. Hutchinson. Spies everywhere.

PINKERTON

Spies?

FERRANTINO

Yes, spies. Why, I’ve even heard a rumor that Alan Pinkerton is in town.

PINKERTON

Pinkerton?

FERRANTINO

You know, the Abolitionist. The nigger thief.

PINKERTON

(pause)

I didn’t know he was a nigger thief.

FERRANTINO

He’s a station master out of Chicago. Teaches the darkies how to cooper, then ships them over the border to Canada.

PINKERTON

Station Masters… conductors… I’ve never understood how the Underground Railroad works. But this man, Pinkerton, sounds like he’s courting his own death.

FERRANTINO

Death? Oh, no. If we were to find him, something far more special than death awaits him.

Pinkerton stares out the window at the passing traffic.

FERRANTINO

So, where’s my money?

PINKERTON

Money?

FERRANTINO

Yes, my money. I gave you twenty-five dollars last week. Twenty-five dollars is a lot of money these days. Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten about it What kind of a stockbroker are you, Mr. Hutchinson?

PINKERTON

Forgive me. I have it right here — somewhere…

Pinkerton lays out fifty dollars on the desk in front of Mr. Ferrantino. Ferrantino counts his money, looks up.

FERRANTINO

Why, that’s fifty dollars. Double my money in a week! How do you do that?

PINKERTON

These are times of great change, Mr. Ferrantino. Times of unprecedented opportunity. If the Northern Beast is preparing to invade our fair Maryland, we might as well bleed the ogre of all the cash we can. What is the harm in that?

Ferrantino chuckles as he stuffs his wallet with the cash.

FERRANTINO

No harm at all. No harm at all.

He stands up to leave, considers Pinkerton, shakes his head with a smile.

FERRANTINO

You are about to become a very popular man in Baltimore, I’m afraid. Don’t forget your good friend, Cypriano Ferrantino.

Pinkerton stands up and they shake hands warmly.

PINKERTON

I never forget my friends.

[Eric Humble]

Eric Humble’s Dialogue 4 – 6 (place in first line)

What I learned doing this assignment is: how just sprinkling a few of these techniques throughout gives the dialogue a power and punch without altering much. The most fun thing about these techniques is how they give such a huge amount of power to the scene without having to do any kind of major rewriting. I was able to find so many places to use each technique with what was already part of the scene, just by adding a payoff or restructuring a line to put the two opposites together. I feel like each instance of these techniques has improved my scenes by a good 20% at least.

IRONIC DIALOGUE:

FIRST VERSION:

MASKED FIGURE

Last chance to end it quick and easy, like the others.

Jude looks to the lab assistant’s dead face, frozen in horror. Tightens his jaw in grief and rage.

JUDE

Quick and easy, huh? I’ll pass.

SECOND VERSION (IRONIC DIALOGUE):

MASKED FIGURE

(nods to poisoned coffee)

Last chance. Tell me and you can end it quick and easy, like the others.

Jude looks to the lab assistant’s dead face, frozen in horror. Tightens his jaw in grief and rage.

JUDE

I’d prefer something a little easier, like being drawn and quartered. I bet you boys could arrange that. I’ll pass. I’m not into Arabica. I’m more of a Liberica kind of guy.

ANTICIPATORY DIALOGUE:

FIRST VERSION:

MASKED FIGURE

You sure? I’m not usually known for being this charitable.

JUDE

I’m not into Arabica. I’m more of a Liberica kind of guy.

SECOND VERSION (ANTICIPATORY DIALOGUE):

MASKED FIGURE

It’s going to go this way, one way or another. You can’t stop it.

JUDE

You won’t find her.

========

FIRST VERSION:

The table erupts in hullabaloo. Marks smiles warmly.

MARKS

Please. I know it’s a shock to the system, but you placed me as head of this company for a reason —

BOARD MEMBER

— How can this have happened?!

MARKS

It seems we have a leak.

SECOND VERSION:

The table erupts in hullabaloo. Marks smiles warmly.

BOARD MEMBER

We appointed you CEO to prevent exactly this kind of thing from happening!

MARKS

There’s only so much a plumber can do to stop leaks in creaky, out-of-date, decrepit piping. A good plumber would rip everything out, dismantle it. Starting here, at this table. Or he could plug the leaks so tight, the structure will stay dry forever.

========

SETUP/PAYOFF:

FIRST VERSION:

MARKS

I didn’t get time to shave. And, as there will no doubt be many a television interview… I’ve got to look the part of Supreme Leader.

He calmly opens his collar, removes his $1000 necktie, carefully smoothes it over the chair back… and starts to apply shaving cream.

SECOND VERSION:

Setup:

MARKS

There’s going to be a lot of media coverage today… can’t afford to look like one of the riff-raff.

He calmly opens his collar, removes his $1000 necktie, carefully smoothes it over the chair back… and starts to apply shaving cream.

Later in scene, setup:

MARKS

Oh, Mr. Chen.

Chen hangs back. Marks waits until they’re alone.

MARKS

You’ve got some peachfuzz. It’s unbecoming.

CHEN

Mr. Marks, I —

Marks pats the chair — it’s a command. Chen hesitantly takes a seat. Marks lathers Chen’s face.

Later in scene, Payoffs:

MARKS

There. No more peachfuzz. You’ll look great for the media. They’ll be on you rabid hounds once they learn the global spike in insulin prices was due to malfeasance from one of my Board members.

======

FIRST VERSION:

INT. BANQUET ROOM – DAY

Dres sets her phone in a stand, displaying SHALES on Zoom. Shales is early 40s, pleasant and unassuming. Seated in an office somewhere.

DRES

Eenie meanie miny mo, catch a tiger by the toe. We good?

SHALES

We will be once you fix your lipstick.

He gives her an encouraging smile. She fixes her lipstick.

SECOND VERSION:

Later in scene, payoff:

INT. KITCHEN – DAY

…where she grabs an apron from a hook among several others. She wraps her wigged hair in a bandana, breezes through the wait- and cook-staffs as if she belongs among them.

A PHONE VIBRATES inside her pocket. A second phone. She opens to a videocall — Shales and the FBI Agent, same office background, sharing the screen like the two friends they are.

SHALES

(on phone)

We were this close! What the hell!

INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Talbot pursues at a calm distance. Rounds into the kitchen.

INT. KITCHEN – DAY

Dres continues her call. She’s heading for a door beyond the pantry.

DRES

Squeezed the tiger a little hard by the toe. I’m blown. It’s been nice knowing you boys.

Shales is about to protest, but Dres terminates the call.

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