Lesson 1

[Lynn Vincentnathan]

Lynn Has Tested Every Line!

VISION: I am determined to become a great screenwriter capable of getting my screenplays in various genres produced into movies that inspire vast audiences to mitigate climate change.

THE PITCH: WEATHERING IT (Rom-Com) is about two college students who struggle to overcome family fights about global warming, then try to get married during the worst ever Texas freeze.

I LEARNED that it’s not only a matter of reducing pages to make a script more appealing re page count, but reducing the action/description and making it more zippy so as to appeal to the word-weary reader. And I found this can easily be done. It’s much easier than elevating the dialogue.

I thought I had already been reducing/condensing the action dialogue all along to reduce page count, but in this lesson I found I could 1. Reduce words/lines, 2. Make them read easier and more quickly, 3. And deliver the same meaning, or at least get the important aspects across.

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I reduced my script by 2.5 pages in this lesson. Yay!! Hope to reduce even more…

In the following brief scene I reduced the action/description by 4 lines, or from a 3/4 page scene to a 1/2 page scene, though movie time with beautiful visuals would/could be longer. I’m also thinking I could cut the entire scene if necessary since it doesn’t advance the plot that much. The previous scene has a horrible interaction with Jim’s s Uncle Fred that could turn Ellie off of Houston and marriage to Jim. In this scene using great visuals Ellie gains a more positive view of Houston and Jim, making the marriage now more likely. (Several scenes later, it is Jim who calls off the marriage…. but Ellie hereafter is more on board)

BEFORE:

INT. BUTTERFLY MUSEUM, HOUSTON – DAY

Ellie and Jim are in super-snit mode, Ellie more so, stiff, traumatized as they enter the upper level of the butterfly greenhouse garden. Jim, arm around Ellie, side-squeezes her and points at a beautiful butterfly. Ellie half-smiles, looks up at Jim.

They start wandering down the winding path between lush tropical plants and a multitude of gorgeous butterflies flitting all around. As they descend deeper into the garden, Ellie relaxes and gets into the spirit of overwhelming beauty, stopping to gaze at various butterflies.

By the time they reach the bottom at the pond Ellie is in awe and wonder, happier than we’ve ever seen her.

ELLIE: Oh, Jim, you’re wonderful knowing I needed this… this… beauty.

OTHERS watch as Ellie gives Jim a peck-kiss on the cheek. He puts his arm around her pulls her to his side, giving the spectators a cat smile and Groucho raised eyebrows.

JIM: Now to the beach.

AFTER:

INT. BUTTERFLY CENTER, HOUSTON – DAY

Ellie and Jim in super-snit, traumatized enter the upper level of the butterfly center. Jim side-squeezes her, points at a beautiful butterfly. She half-smiles, looks up at him.

They wander down the lush tropical garden with a multitude of gorgeous butterflies flitting all around. As they descend deeper, Ellie relaxes, awed by the overwhelming beauty, stops to gaze at various butterflies.

They reach the bottom pond. Ellie is happier than we’ve ever seen her.

ELLIE: Oh, Jim, you’re wonderful knowing I needed this… this… beauty.

OTHERS watch as Ellie gives Jim a kiss on the cheek. He side-hugs her, gives spectators a cat smile and Groucho eyebrows.

JIM: Now to the beach.

[Monica Arisman]

I’m assuming this is lesson 1, module 9…

Subject: Monica has Tested Every Line!

Vision: I will continue to learn everything I can through all different media to apply what I learn to become the best screenwriter I can be. To be successful in getting my movies made and to win awards in the process.

What I learned from doing this assignment is how much of my script I had already incorporated this process into. This I learned in other classes and it seems to be finally sinking in. This is the fastest script I’ve ever written.

5. Tell us how much of a difference this made for your script.

My script already incorporated this process. However, I did find some areas of improvement by adding spaces and re-wording some longer sentences.

6. Give us the before-and-after on the scene where you made the biggest changes.

I did more fine tuning than anything. Nothing spectacular where I deleted pages of description. It was already quite a fast read.

[Jenifer Stockdale]

Jenifer has tested every line

I write every day, producing not only high volume, but high quality scripts and screenplays that are ultimately made into movies and television shows. I am invited to be a mentor at seminars, summits and safaris.

I don’t know if I should brag about this – because it probably means I was wordsmithing when I shouldn’t have been, but my descriptions were pretty lean…

[Monica Arisman]

Subject: Monica’s Wordsmithing

Vision: I will continue to learn everything I can through all different media to apply what I learn to become the best screenwriter I can be. To be successful in getting my movies made and to win awards in the process.

What I learned from doing this assignment is how many times I used certain words. Even after writing this script with a minimum of description there was so many over-usage of some words.

Tell us how many changes you made and give us three you feel really good about.

I changed, or in the process of changing the following words:

Looks – 55 – this is my number one word I want to change

Turns – 38

Room – 39

Nods – 33 – this is one of the words I want a better word

Gets – 26

Puts – 19

Chair – 16

Types – 15

Leaves – 8 – this is one of the words I want a better word

Is – 75 – most of them are in dialogue so I’ll have to re-write that.

I have portal and timeline and time stream – all describing the same thing – changed all that to timeline unless there really was a portal.

Working through the “ing” words.

The one good thing, I don’t give character/actor direction. I’m a writer, not a filmmaker.

[Monica Arisman]

I don’t think this is in the right place…

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Wordsmithing!

My Vision: I see myself quick to suggest viable alternatives with excellent meaning when improving material while working with managers and producers.

Doing this assignment, I confirmed Descriptions and Actions are minimal.

I ensured there are no camera or actor directions.

I removed extraneous adverbs and adjectives.

I changed five verbs. Below are two I feel really good about:

· Carries – totes, transfers, palms

· Checked – inspected, investigated

I changed five nouns.

I used no parentheticals and don’t overdo punctuation.

I allow no widows or orphans.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Wordsmithing!

Vision: My success from this program will lead me to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I learned from this assignment is that small changes can do a lot. Getting rid of repetitious words and replacing generic passive verbs with a more approptiate one can increase reading pace.

Approx. Number of Changes

3-A – 21 changes. I took out most used in description and action but retained some used in dialog so not to change the character’s speech patterns.

3-B – 18 changes

3-C – 11

3-D – 5 Again, I left the ones used in dialog

4-E – So many I lost count because I concentrated on how to better word usage to eliminate the orphans. I eliminated most of them in the descriptions and action. I retained several that were used in dialog.

I can’t remember any three that I felt good about as there were so many in the script.

[Frances Emerson]

MODULE NINE LESSON ONE

FRAN’S HAS TESTED EVERY LINE

MY VISION: I want to write great movies. Movies that are magical, movies that move people and tell the truth. I want to write movies that stars will want to be in.

WHAT I LEARNED:

As I keep posting, I’ve been working on my steamboat script part III to get it finished. I put part one into a fellowship contest, I’m hoping they’ll notice my work. I need to finally get this one done. I have my pirate script on hold, too. I need to get that one done. I know how to fix it now. And I want to get that one done. I’m trying desperately hard not to be a procrastinator like my father was. To get things done and over. And working on a new script when I have others waiting for me doesn’t help that resolve. As the lesson teaches, I’ve been testing my lines, rewriting, making it as great, as feel worthy as possible. Following the lessons as well as I can to get this one done. I have two people who want it finished. I just need the time now and lately I haven’t been getting the time I need to do that with my job. So, I’m putting this script I’m working on for this class aside for now. And I’m going for the gold—getting this one done and going back to finish my pirate script when my steamboat script is done. It makes me feel good that I’m working on it and trying to finish it. I am so proud to see the product taking shape before my eyes with every pass I take on the pages!

The chosen scene set up:

The young lovers have finally found their way to each other.

But now comes the most perilous part of the journey for the racers. A treacherous stretch of the Mississippi River, fraught with jagged rocks and sunken ships ready to tear the racing steamers apart the moment they slip up. And now they’re facing a thick, dense fog that has settled over the waters. Nothing can be seen for miles. And it’s not letting up. This, finally, may be the end of the race for the Natchez and the Robert E. Lee.

Frances’s once suitor, Albert, has hurt her deeply, and Charles has defended her honor most admirably.

THE SCENE BEFORE:

EXT. ROBERT E. LEE, MAIN DECK – NIGHT

Charles, alone, stares out toward the waters. He can barely make out the black smoke from the Natchez’s chimneys curling upward over the horizon in the distance for the growing fog. Frances joins him.

AFTER:

Alone, Charles stares out toward the horizon, barely able to see the black smoke from the Natchez’s chimneys curling upward in the distance.

Fog worsens.

Frances joins him.

[Marcus Wolf]

Marcus has tested every line!

My Vision: Get my script made into a movie.

This assignment reinforced for me the value of brevity in the action lines. I’ve been observing this practice for years, but it’s nice to have it reviewed.

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Going through my script, I
cut a lot of action lines. There are still a lot, but this is an action/drama.
The choices of what to cut are difficult.

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[David Holloway]

Dave has tested every line

My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal values.

What I learned from this assignment is that, although I thought my description was pretty spare and economical, I was able to remove quite a few lines of it. And I could see how the pared-down version would be faster and more enjoyable to read and would maintain the energy of the script better.

I eliminated over 30 lines by looking at the description using the listed means of evaluation.

INT. BUS – DAY

A police siren sounds from outside the bus, and a police car races up alongside it.

HAL

Shit!

He turns to the two husky men sitting in front of him.

HAL

Get ready, fellas.

The police car pulls in front of the bus and leads it to the side of the road. Two policemen climb up onto the bus.

Hal steps into the aisle and stands behind his bodyguards. The cops walk toward him.

FIRST POLICEMAN

Shannon – hands behind your head!

The policemen and the bodyguards charge each other and throw punches, swearing and struggling to force each other to the floor. Hal steps into the battle.

Finally, a cop bulls past the bodyguards and rushes at Hal. Roger steps into his path and lands a heavy blow to his jaw. He falls, out cold.

The bodyguards punch the other cop until he lies in the aisle, unconscious. With blood trickling from his lower lip, Hal walks up to Roger and pats him on the shoulder.

HAL

That was a helluva punch, pal. Son of a bitch is out cold.

Roger smiles.

ROGER

I’m from the laboring class, myself.

HAL

We could use a guy like you.

Hal kneels and removes the badge from the shirt of the cop Roger punched. He takes the gun from his belt.

The bodyguards take the badge and gun from the other policeman. One hands the badge to Hal. He looks at it for a moment and speaks grimly.

HAL

Another souvenir.

The bus driver walks back and looks at the two cops lying unconscious.

BUS DRIVER

Good work, guys.

The bodyguards carry one policeman off the bus and place him well off the road beside his car. Roger helps Hal carry the other cop off and lay him beside his partner.

HAL

Won’t look good for them, going back to the station like that.

The bus driver has stepped down from the bus.

BUS DRIVER

Let’s get out of here before more show up.

All five quickly step up onto the bus.

[Lisa Paris Long]

WIM2 Module 9 Lesson 1 – Test Your Description

Lisa Long Has Tested Every Line!

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is that I will continue to work on the descriptions and making them as succinct as possible.

This process has made the flow of my script faster. But I realize I can still do more!

BEFORE AND AFTER CHANGE:

I realized that going from scene 22 to scene 23 the character Ed suddenly has a life preserver with him, but I hadn’t informed the audience of where it came from or how the dog got outside too, so these were the biggest changes I made to the descriptions.

(End of Scene 22)

Jane goes down the hall toward the bathroom. Ed grabs a raincoat and runs out into the storm.

23. EXT. CHESAPEAKE BEACH – NIGHT CONTINUOUS

Lightning and thunder are crashing around the sky. The water in the Bay is rough.

TO:

(End of Scene 22)

Jane goes down the hall toward the bathroom. Ed grabs a raincoat and runs out into the storm. Chessie follows him outside.

23. EXT. CHESAPEAKE BEACH – NIGHT CONTINUOUS

Ed grabs a life preserver from the patio and runs after Molly. Lightning and thunder are crashing around the sky. The water in the Bay is rough.

[Erin Ziccarelli]

Erin Ziccarelli Has Tested Every Line!

Vision: I am creating profound scripts that leave audiences remembering my movies and leave me excited to keep writing and moving up in the industry.

What I learned from doing this assignment is: at this stage in my writing process, most of my scenes feel necessary because of all the interest techniques and deeper layers that I’ve incorporated. I cut 14 pages out of my script by reducing my descriptions and tightening dialogue. This was a big to-do for me since my script was at 137 pages and some scenes felt a little too long/drawn out.

5. Tell us how much of a difference this made for your script.

After completing this process, I no longer have scenes that are over five pages – I reduced a lot of “over-directing” and blocking that would be added in perhaps a shooting script later on. One of the biggest changes I made was tightening up the opening scenes and adding shorter and more suspenseful descriptions to draw the reader in.

6. Give us the before-and-after on the scene where you made the biggest changes.

This draft was an opportunity for me to add some poker terms and phrases, in keeping with my title, Blind Bet. I gave Scarlett and Alex each a poker phrase in the scene where he hires her. (Alex: I know when to hold ’em, I know when to fold ’em.)

(Scarlett: If I can’t spot the sucker in my first half hour at the table, I am the sucker.)

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana Has Tested Every Line

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned from doing this assignment?

My current script is a visual, cat and mouse style thriller with limited dialogue. The second half of the script is mostly visual, which needs brevity in the narrative. Searching through my script, line by line, I created as many single line descriptions as possible to make it read faster.

The cat and mouse scene of my script takes place in an abandoned steel mill. But cutting between each location inside the mill bogged down the action.

Intercutting between the protagonist and antagonist with single lines of action created the brevity necessary to make the script a faster read. One word instead of two words. Two words instead of three words, etc.

[JOEL STERN]

WIM Module 9 Lesson 1

“Death Voice”

Genre: Thriller

My Vision: To write eight screenplays that eventually become Hollywood blockbusters (and to get a speaking line in at least one).

What I learned from this assignment: To keep descriptions short and to the point.

I have been aware of this, so I normally keep my description to two lines or less. But I have shortened a few. I’ve listed a few in this scene.

Protagonist Jim “Ace” McCarthy, a decorated WWII veteran always wanted to follow in the steps of newscaster Edward R. Murrow. And now he has a shot. Shortly after returning from the war, Jim gets a Crime Reporters position with a TV station in his hometown of Las Vegas.

But tragedy soon follows his return when his wife Jane suddenly dies and he’s left to raise his Polio-stricken son Steven all by himself. Pressure, bills and a serious casino gambling debt has him in a vice. He’s now getting never ending life-threatening phone calls from a mystery man who calls himself, “Sal”. Sal gives Jim ten days to pay up or he’ll kill Steven.

What’s real and what’s an illusion? Jim can’t tell.

In this scene, Casey — Jim’s News Director — is suddenly replaced by Karl, a strict German who Jim could swears he ran into during the war.

Jim introduces himself to Karl…

INT. CASEY’S OFFICE – MOMENTS LATER

Jim’s outside watching blonde, blue-eyed KARL, (30) berate a reporter. Karl could be a Wehrmacht poster child.

JIM FLASHBACK:

EXT. DIRT ROAD, FRANCE – DAY

Jim helps guard a long line of German POW’s.

One SOLDIER, (30) looks like Karl. Jim pokes him with his rifle. The German gives him a chilling stare.

RETURN TO SCENE:INT. CASEY’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

The reporters leave. Jim enters, amazed at the color of the walls — painted red and black — Nazi colors.

Karl stands, hands clasped behind his back:

KARL

(German accent)

Ah, you must be Jim. Please sit.

Karl leans back, studies Jim. Jim sees a PICTURE of the Hindenburg behind Karl.

JIM

What happened to Casey?

KARL

Let’s say — he found greener pastures.

JIM

Say, didn’t we meet before?

Karl gives him a creepy smile. (eliminated him saying, “Many things are possible”).

JIM

During the war, right?

KARL

You will not question my past.

Karl hands him a paper. (eliminated Karl puts on thin framed oval glasses).

KARL

Today, you will report on a degenerate gambler who shot his young child, then himself.

Jim reads. The address is blurry. He rubs his eyes. (eliminated, Jim sees the address — and it’s his own. He rubs his eyes).

KARL

Is something the matter, Jim?

JIM

That’s my address! Say — what are you trying to pull?

KARL

Ach. They told me you were a very hard worker.

Karl downs a shot of Schnapps. (eliminated, Karl takes a bottle of Schnapps and pours himself a drink).

KARL

Perhaps you need some time off.

JIM

No! I mean, no I’m fine.

Karl steeples his hands.

KARL

(creepy smile)

Are you sure?

JIM

I’m… positive.

KARL

Hmm. Well, then.

Karl stands and sweeps his hand for Jim to leave. (eliminated, Karl stands and like a German officer sweeps his hand in a motion for Jim to leave”).

[Andrew Boyd]

Andrew Boyd has tested every line.

WIM Module 9, Lesson 1, Read your script to elevate dialogue

Vision: For Hitler’s Choirboys to be such a compelling screenplay that Spielberg and Gibson will battle it out to produce their most powerful WW2 drama since Hacksaw Ridge or Schindler’s List.

What I learned from doing this assignment:

I’ve already gone through this several times, trying to trim back. But one feedback said it still read like a novel. So the approach to make the description a faster read has been helpful, and I’ve been able to trim back a further page throughout. Perhaps the most obvious difference is to the opening scene-setter.

Before:

INT. DARKENED ROOM AT US MILITARY HOSPITAL, MUNICH – DAY

A NEWSREEL is playing. A night offensive. The mayhem and chaos of war. Artillery BOOMS and FLASHES, bouncing off glasses and faces in the room. Deafening, blinding.

SUPER 1: US MILITARY HOSPITAL MUNICH, 1945

SUPER 2: They say the war is over…

SAM FULLER, black, early 20s, sassy, PENCIL jammed behind an ear as ever, sits beside MANCINI the PROJECTIONIST. Sam pulls a face at the RACKET and nudges MANCINI. COLONEL SULLIVAN and CHAPLAIN HENRY GERECKE, early 50s, balding, gold glasses, sat ahead of them, wince. The Colonel flashes him a look.

Mancini, unfamiliar with the controls, frantically scrabbles in the dark to find the volume control, finds the knob and cranks it down. Relief.

Eyes narrow as the Newsreel image brightens and and the THUNDER of artillery gives way to the DRONE of a plane. Nuremberg as seen from Hitler’s Ju52, Iron Annie. A NAZI ANTHEM plays, thousands march, crowds go wild.

After:

INT. DARKENED ROOM AT US MILITARY HOSPITAL, MUNICH – DAY

A NEWSREEL is playing. A night offensive. The chaos of war. Artillery BOOMS and FLASHES, bouncing off glasses and faces in the room. Deafening, blinding.

SUPER 1: US MILITARY HOSPITAL MUNICH, 1945

SUPER 2: Two months after the end of the war…

SAM FULLER, black, early 20s, sassy, PENCIL jammed behind ear, winces at the RACKET and nudges MANCINI, the PROJECTIONIST. CHAPLAIN HENRY GERECKE, early 50s, balding, gold glasses, is sat ahead of them with COLONEL SULLIVAN who flashes MANCINI a look.

Mancini panics to find the volume. SAM cranks it down.

The Newsreel image brightens. Daylight. The DRONE of a plane. Nuremberg as seen from Hitler’s Ju52. A NAZI ANTHEM plays, thousands march, crowds go wild.

NEWSREEL (V.O.)

(Brisk, portentious)

Nuremberg, where the whole shooting match began. The Fuhrer’s plane casts a long shadow over the Fatherland as adoring crowds hail their new Messiah.