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Lesson 9
Reply to post your assignment.
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8 Replies
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These instructions are a little confusing and kinda mixed up (maybe because these are all older lessons from years ago when they were doing it over email?), but if I’m not mistaken, I think we’re supposed to watch the video critique (lesson 9) and then post our rewritten scene of QE2 in the Lesson 10 forum, so I’ll post it there. And anyone who wants to exchange critiques, please let me know.
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That is my understanding, too, so if you are wrong, we are both wrong.
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LESSON 10
LOGLINE: Under perilous circumstances, two double agents are pitted against each other. Who is loyal to the U.S.? One, both, or neither?
ESSENCE: Survival
SITUATION: Two double agents are pitted against each other to see who is loyal to the U.S.
SCENE ARC: John and Nick meet on the brink of Crooks Peak; they play cat and mouse, they get serious, Nick pulls a knife, and John falls backward off the brink and disappears. The entire incident is being filmed from Mt. Whitney.
LOGLINE:
Under perilous circumstances, two double agents are pitted against each other. Who is loyal to the U.S.? One, both, or neither?
ESSENCE:
Survival, both in the personal sense and in the sense of country.
SCENE: JOHN AND NICK MEET ON CROOKS PEAK
SITUATION:
A face-to-face standoff where the good guy must get certain info from the bad guy before the fight starts.
SCENE ARC:
From just before the face-off to the good guy has the info.
JOHN: THE GOOD GUY
TRAITS
Daring/Distrustful/Loyal/Loner
Subtext:
John distrusts people, so he tries to trick them into showing their worst side.
NICK: THE BAD GUY
TRAITS
Confident/Conniving/Rebellious/Giving
Subtext:
Nick is a conniving guy who loves manipulating people into bad spots and then taking advantage of them.
EXT. CROOKS PEAK – DAY
Crook’s Peak is the middle needle of a three-needle cluster south of Mount Whitney – the so-called Peaks for Freaks.
It belies the tiny, vegetarian woman in a straw hat for whom the peak was named – Hulda Crooks, a.k.a. Grandma Whitney.
Each needle – Keeler, Crooks, and Third Needle – is a narrow slice of pizza, strewn with large, flat, talus-like sheets of rock – its toppings.
The western slopes seem easy enough, but at fourteen thousand feet, the rarified air makes one’s feet feel like lead.
The eastern faces are another story. They are disturbing in their near two thousand feet of vertical rise.
Between the needles, there are yawing, precipitous gaps, leaving the points dangerously exposed – not for the faint of heart.
JOHN DAVIS (45), is a CIA double operative who lives in secret, which suits his personality well. He’s also a seasoned rock climber and mountaineer, but who would know? He doesn’t say much. His assignment is to test Nick’s loyalty.
John sits with his back to the three ragged boulders that make up the peak’s ultimate point.
He’s wearing a helmet and climber’s harness.
Further, he has tethered himself to a several-ton, spindle-shaped chunk of granite with two opposing nylon slings and a length of climbing rope.
He looks terrified and silly, sitting there hooked via carabiners and rope to a large rock – on the sloping side of the crest, no less.
NICK POLANSKI, (48), is an aerospace engineer from Southern California. He is also a double operative, but for which country has come into question? He has been led to believe that the CIA suspects John, and he is to get John to admit to his disloyalty.
From the Whitney Trail, the figure of a man in a climbing helmet leaves the trail and climbs up the slope toward John.
Nick waves to him, and John waves back.
LATER
As Nick approaches John, he points to the tether and laughs —
NICK
What the hell is this?
John tries to laugh but complains —
JOHN
Who’s the damned fool who set this meeting up? And why?
NICK
Don’t sweat it. I don’t like heights, either – just sayin’.
JOHN
You don’t? So why are we here, then?
NICK
(laughingly)
Probably the only place left, in America, that isn’t bugged.
John forces a chuckle.
JOHN
You’re probably right.
(beat)
So besides that, why are we here?
NICK
You don’t know?
JOHN
Not really. Something about quantum computers.
NICK
Yes. What do you know about them?
JOHN
Precious little.
NICK
Then, indeed, why are we here?
JOHN
To confirm that the Chinese have incorporated them into their military program?
NICK
(laughs)
Who have you been talking to? They’re years behind us. You are one of us, aren’t you?
JOHN
Us? What do you mean by that?
NICK
If you’re CIA, you should know we’re way ahead of the Chinese.
JOHN
Yeah, but who can we trust? The organization is it’s full of moles and double agents and —
NICK
I resent the implications. I do not work for the Chinese while —
JOHN
Resent all you want, but why are we here? One of us has got to be under suspicion. Maybe both of us.
NICK
Well, it sure ain’t me, and the U.S. has nothing to worry about.
JOHN
Well, according to my information, we have lots to worry about.
NICK
Poppycock.
JOHN
Nick, I’ve seen the evidence, first-hand. We most certainly do need to worry.
NICK
No, we don’t.
JOHN
Then, you must be the bad apple, trying to misdirect everyone.
NICK
Why would I do that? I have a wife — a family.
JOHN
Money? Why else do traitors sell themselves out to our enemies?
NICK
Who do you think our enemies are? You’re a total knot-head. America is no longer we, the people.
JOHN
You really believe that, don’t you.
NICK
Of course, I do. Everyone who can, has got their hand in the government till. We’re robbing each other for our own thirty pieces of silver while the weak – the poor – don’t stand a chance.
JOHN
Then correct it, Nick. Don’t finish them off.
NICK
You just don’t get it, do you? I am correcting it.
Nick draws a knife from his cargo pants.
NICK
Nothing personal, John. It’s just about survival.
JOHN
(points to the knife)
What are you going to do with that? You’ll give yourself away.
NICK
No, I won’t. You’re the Chinese agent – you tried to kill me.
JOHN
Why?
NICK
Survival.
John stands, crouched down, as Nick lunges for him, left hand grabbing John’s rope.
John kicks at Nick’s knife-wielding hand, but Nick swings around and slashes at John’s rope above where he is gripping it.
The rope snaps, and Nick kicks John in the chest while still firmly gripping the end of the rope.
John staggers back, falls over the edge – disappears – it’s a long way down.
Nick tries to look over the edge, but the sheer face is so remarkably vertical he can’t see a thing.
Nick gulps, and appears queasy, but rolls up the rope and stuffs the nylon straps into his rucksack.
Nick looks around. He’s the only person in sight.
NICK
(to himself, smiling)
Now that we all think we know who’s who and what’s what, who will ever really know? Screw the U.S.; I’ll tell them what they want to hear.
Nick beats a hasty retreat, down the mountain.
INSERT – THE HUT ATOP MOUNT WHITNEY, a telescopic view which shows –
Slammed against the stone wall of the hut, a man with a high-powered camera filmed the entire incident.
BACK TO CROOKS PEAK.
NOTE: In a subsequent scene, we will see that John was double roped (from behind), swung around to a hidden predetermined bolt, and cleft in the rock face. He waits for Nick to leave. John gets his information both directly and indirectly.
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Hi Alred. You’ve done a lot of good work to get in all the character traits and interest techniques. Just a quick reminder that if we were sitting in a movie theater, we wouldn’t know things about where Crook’s Peak is located, why it got its name, etc. We also wouldn’t feel that the ‘air feels rarified’. What we would ‘see’ is…
John Davis sitting with his back to a boulder, perched high on a peak, in rock climber gear. John would have to show us the thinner air by breathing hard or mentioning how he’s feeling. We still get know the scene is in an unusual place, and that they are high up without losing any drama from your scene that follows.
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Thanks, Brenda. I know better but still make that mistake. I tend to dislike stories when I don’t know where they are, so I sometimes resort to voice-over, but that, too, is losing favor. I was trying to set up the visuals for when John falls off the point. A cliff Hanger? LOL. But you are entirely correct. This doesn’t work.
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LOGLINE: Geek John dares to confront the most dangerous bully in school to get back his USB with his whole life on it.
ESSENCE: John needs to prove himself to himself and his father.
EXT. SCHOOL YARD – DAY
Students milling around during lunch break. JOHN (17), a gangly geek with sunken chest and coke bottle glasses, approaches geek RHINO (17).
JOHN: Hey, Rhino, do you know where Nick is?
RHINO: Switchblade Nick? Why in blue blazes would you want to find him, John? [suspense, fear]
JOHN: I think it’s his gang that stole my flash drive. [fear]
RHINO: (incredulous) You didn’t make a back-up?
JOHN: Been busy with vidoeing my Harvard interview. I, uh, forgot. [fear] (whines) And I can’t put anything on my laptop, the way my Mom is. [distrusts] And as Dad lays it into me I’m not anywhere near sports scholarship material.
RHINO: Look, Switchblade’ll kill you just for looking at him cross-eyed. [suspense, fear, set-up 1]
JOHN: I-I’m not afraid. I’ve known that big bully since second grade when I was three inches taller than him and he looked up to me. [set-up 2] (off Rhino’s worry) My whole life is on that drive. I need it to get into college AND get an academic scholarship. It’s live brave or die a coward. Or is that live a coward or die brave? [daring]
RHINO: Playing too many Nathan Drake video games, huh? (off John’s “oh brother” face) Okay, I saw him go into the gym with his gang. You’d better take a guard or teacher with you. Or both. [fear, suspense]
JOHN: I have to do this alone. [loner]
Rhino, gaping mouth, goes wide-eyed with fear. [suspense, fear]
JOHN (CONT’D): They’re all afraid of him. I can’t trust them to help and they’d just stop me from going. [distrusts]
RHINO: I’d go with you, but-but… I have to practice for the scrabble tournament…
JOHN: No problem, Bud, but thanks anyway… And I’ll be there tomorrow to back you at the tournament. [loyal]
RHINO: (eek) If it’s live for you and not die. [suspense, fear]
John heads toward the gym, sees COACH (40s) in sportswear with cap and whistle on the way. John pauses to speak MOS with him. Coach shakes his head “no,” listens, then nods “yes.” [intrigue, set-up 3]
John heads into
INT. THE GYM – DAY
Shooting baskets are TWO HOMEBOYS (15, 16). Burly SWITCHBLADE NICK (17) watches tough-faced.
NICK: Okay, five free shots. Winner gets the fake Rolex. [giving]
He opens his jacket, revealing various stolen items, including the fake Rolex. The boys line up and start shooting.
In the corner are TWO OTHER DEADBEAT HOMEBOYS and purple-haired ANGEL (15), a home girl, their lunch trash strewn about. Other than those few the huge gym is empty.
John peeks in then enters nervously, tries to strut out his sunken chest. Nick notes him with a sneer of expectation. [confident] John approaches him, carefully skirting the basketball players. [fear; no authorities around]
JOHN: Seems I, uh, misplaced my flash drive. D’ya know where it might be?
NICK: You don’t have a backup?
John shakes his head no. Nick give him a nasty TSK.
NICK: Nope, no idea.
Nick pokes his finger into John’s chest. [fear]
NICK: You shouldn’t leave valuable things like that in your back pocket. I mean, five terabytes. No telling who may have paid that pickpocket big bucks for it. [subtext: Nick has it or know where it is. Suspense/fear – is it gone forever or erased? Will John fight Nick for it?]
JOHN: (scrunches his face) Look, I could maybe offer to buy it back. [hope]
NICK: No deal. What I want is something much more. Like getting the school to lay off me and my boys here, and girl. They keep gunning for us. And we want free range of the gym during lunch break, no harassment for booze at school events, and no police interference. [Conniving]
JOHN: How can I do that? [fear he can’t produce]
NICK: Since Vice Principle Ferguson is your dad, it shouldn’t be hard.
JOHN: I don’t know. Dad’s the type who would blow my drive just to retaliate against you, but I’m sure I could get Coach to take care of those matters. He’d do anything for me, thinking I have influence on Dad… who’s getting upset with Coach because of all our football losses.
NICK: You drive a hard bargain, Geekling, but back to buying it AND getting Coach to take care of those matters. Afterall, I need to provide something for my homeboys. [giving] Especially for Angel, since she got it from your pocket when Alfie distracted you, and she still has it.
Angel takes the drive and waves it in the distance. John looks at her with a satisfied grin.
JOHN: (squeaky voice) No deal and I’m calling the police. [character change; fear – can they get there in time to stop the fight?]
Nick shoves John, who nearly falls backward.
NICK: You’re a fool. Straight “A”s and so stupid. Do you know what we can do to you? Who do you think hoisted Hammerhead Jerkins up the flagpole? [fear]
JOHN: Go ahead, slug me. [Surprise, fear, character change]
NICK: (fake meek) I don’t want to fight you, Bro… and get juvie. [character change]
JOHN: What? You don’t hit guys with glasses?
John takes off his glasses and pockets them. His eyes going CGI-BOING CROSS-EYED.
JOHN: There…
Nick sees John’s crazy eyes and slowly builds up to crazy angry. [fear, pay-off to set-up 1] In the bokeh background–a direction we have not viewed until now–some FIGURES stand in the shadow at the far exit. [pay-off 2? Hope?] Nick flips out in rage and slugs John in the gut.
John reels in pain, then as the background figures march forward he takes out his glasses, wipes them and puts them back on. It’s Coach and TWO POLICEMEN.<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”> [hope; pay-off 2] Policeman 1 goes to Nick, cuffs him. Nick looks daggers at John. [betrayal]
COACH: Good work, John. Are you hurt?
JOHN: Never felt better. But for the record, (fake crying) he hit me hard. I think I have internal bleeding.
COACH: We’ve been trying to collar these slick miscreants for years. Your Dad’ll be so proud of you… You should join a police academy. Harvard, pooff.
Policeman 2 retrieves the flash drive from Angel, waves it to John, then cuffs her.
JOHN: (to himself with pride) John Nathan Drake!
He pulls a yes-fist.
As Nick is being led out, he looks back at John and whimpers.
NICK: We were friends. We used to catch pollywogs together in second grade! What happened, Bro? [character change]
JOHN: They turned into frogs?… (relents) Look, uh, Bro, I’m not really hurt at all. I’ll tell ‘em that, okay. [pay-off 2, loyal; twist]
NICK: And my girl. I think she’s carrying my baby.
JOHN: Your baby, huh?… Okay, Bro, I loaned it to her to help with that history assignment.
The policemen shake their heads, and Coach throws up his hands and whirls around in defeat.
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Screenwriting U—Creative Mastery—Lesson 8
Logline: Montana Game Warden, John Wright is held hostage at an elk camp where he inadvertently discovers the hunter’s plan to wage war against the government.
Essence: A terrorist group is posing as elk hunters.
EXT. HIGH COUNTRY, MONTANA—DAY
A green 4-wheel drive pickup with State of Montana insignia on the doors grinds its way up a rough two track trail headed for Elk Camp that reportedly has been harassing other camps and harvesting elk illegally.
The driver, John Wright (32), wears the distinctive red uniform shirt of a Montana Game Warden. Hidden underneath is a shoulder holster that holds a Sig Sauer 9 mm semi-auto strapped tight against his chest. His long guns, a 30.06 scoped Ruger and a 12 gauge shot gun rest side by side on the seat next to him. Other gear includes a sleeping bag, a state issued taser, bear spray and a cooler with 2 days rations.
A garbled message comes over the mic. John checks his cell. No bars.
He keys the mic and responds in case the message was for him.
JOHN: Warden Wright, #88. 10-20 approaching the timber line. KAJ668.
Nothing but static comes through in return. He pats the dash of his vehicle and talks to the Ford as if it were human.
JOHN: Well Matilda, it appears we’re alone up here high above civilization.
John sings “Big John” to himself, often off key between retrieved breaths caused by the rough ride.
Suddenly, the Ford’s front suspension takes a nose-dive, John’s head hits the steering wheel. The back wheels spin in place. The vehicle is stuck.
JOHN: What the hell?
John examines the damage to the front end. A ditch has been trenched across the road. John retrieves his heavy coat, coveralls, a red cap with ear flaps, ammo, gloves, his rifle and a few pieces of beef jerky.
He walks up toward the elk camp. Thin air and increasing wind velocity cause him to stop to catch his breath. Then there’s a gun barrel pressed against his back.
A Voice: Hands up, Mister, before I put a bullet right straight through you! I’ll take the rifle, thank you.
John complies with the order then turns to meet his captor’s eyes.
JOHN: You’re just a kid. What are you doing up here?
A homely, gangly, pimpled faced boy (14) dressed in full camo, looks up to John through his sunglasses.
THE KID: I’m with the my pa’s elk camp. I can guide and shoot better’in most men, so don’t try no funny business.
JOHN: Who’s your dad?
THE KID: You’ll find out. Now walk.
The kid punches John’s back with his rifle barrel.
THE KID: Faster!
SEVERAL BEATS
JOHN: Aha! I smell a wood campfire, elk carcasses and horses. This your camp?
THE KID: Yep.
The men sitting around the campfire, put their plates and beers down to grab their hunting rifles and stand with guns drawn on John.
THE KID: Hey, Dad! I got him!
NICK CROOKER (45) a haggard faced, almost toothless man, with tobacco stains running out of the corners of his mouth, clad in his never-been-washed, animal blood stained Carharts, saunters out of a tent. Proud of his importance, he gives John a long gaze before spitting on the ground.
NICK: And…who do we have here? Damned it boys, we’ve harvested ourselves our very own Game Warden. How about them apples?
The men put down their guns and resume their supper.
JOHN: Are you holding me hostage? The state of Montana doesn’t pay ransom.
NICK: (Sarcastically) What you talk’in ‘bout? Ain’t no hostages here. You’re our guest. Care for some campfire steak? The boys said the elk was mighty tasty.
JOHN: Thanks. If I’m a guest, when do I get my rifle back?
NICK: We’ll keep it safe until it’s time for you to leave. We don’t want any foul play or accidents.
JOHN: What about my pickup?
NICK: I doubt its goin’ much of anywhere. Want a beer?
JOHN: No thanks. I’m officially on duty and it is against policy to drink on the job.
The men guffaw.
MARTIN SAWYER: (40) a tall, burley man, with an eye patch and yesterday’s food stuck in his beard, turns to John.
SAWYER: There’s a law out here amongst us elk hunters you best get yourself acquainted with.
JOHN: What’s that?
NICK: There is no law!
The men shake their heads in agreement. The kid brings John a plate of steak in gravy, coffee, and a biscuit. He motions John to the fire. John sits with the hunters.
JOHN: This is mighty good. Tender and it tastes more like beef than elk. How’d you bring enough beef up here to feed all these guys?
NICK: We have our ways.
The men grunt in agreement. John finishes his plate. The kid takes his plate and utensils.
JOHN: (to the Kid) My compliments to the cook.
THE KID: Thanks.
John gets up and goes to the carcass hanging on a line. He counts the elk. He then counts the men at the fire.
JOHN: How many hunters in this camp?
NICK: Enough.
JOHN: Correct me if I’m wrong, but it appears there are more elk hangin’ than there are hunters. I need to see your permits, please.
The hunters stand, dig through their wallets and present their permits. John inspects.
JOHN: When I get back to my truck, I’ll have to issue you citations for the carcasses you don’t have permits for.
THE KID: The extra elk go to the poor folks down home.
NICK: They can’t afford no meat except what we give them.
JOHN: Philanthropy is a good thing. But not in this case. I’ll cite your dad in violation times 4. You have more elk than what you have permits for.
NICK: Why jist me? Them guys shot the elk. Not me.
JOHN: You are the guide are you not? You know the law.
NICK: I ain’t admitt’in to nothin’.
JOHN: You have permission to camp on this land?
NICK: This is government land. Don’t need no permission. We’re all taxpayers here.
JOHN: This land is leased for grazing by the Flatrock Cattle Co.
NICK: Can’t be.
The kid, tearing up and sniffling, runs into a tent. John follows.
NICK: (Yelling to John) You can’t go in there! Damnit! That tent is off limits!
John ducks into the tent lined with racks of high powered AR15’s and AK47’s, with ammunition boxes stacked toward the back. Hanging from the back wall is a swastika flag. The kid is sitting on a ammo box, pouting and whittling a stick with his pocket knife.
JOHN: I’m sorry, kid. But the law is the law and it is my job to enforce it.
John is starting to like this kid.
JOHN: You’re a good kid. When I get back to my truck, I’ll give you…
THE KID: Good luck with that, stuppo cop! You ain’t got no pickup. It’s been stripped down. How do you think we get the money for all this?
John steps outside. He is face to face with Nick.
JOHN: What is really goin’ on here? You planning a war?
NICK: You could say that.
JOHN: A war with who?
SAWYER: The government. Then Jews and Jew lovers.
JOHN: Montana or D.C.?
SAWYER: Ya, them too.
A noise is heard in the timber. The hunters jump to their feet, guns ready to fire on an intruder.
JOHN: Kinda paranoid, aren’t you?
NICK: Just careful. We had an unwanted visitor yesterday. A mad bull elk stormed through camp. Tore the hell out of things. But Hamilton here stepped up and shot his mad ass (chuckles). Served him right.
A rancher, Darrel Steel (50) on horseback picks his way through the timber to the elk camp. He rides into camp with his rife pointed upward. He points his AR at the hunters.
STEEL: Throw your weapons down and your hands up, you damned low life, squattin’ sons of bitches! Freeze.! And no funny business—or I’ll have to hurt you. You’re camp’in here without permission. And then you help yourself to one of my Herefords. I saw the hide hanging in a tree back there. It has my brand on it.
JOHN: Mr. Steel, I’m John Wright, Montana Game Warden. I’m being held hostage. All these guys are huntin’without permission, they have butchered your cow, and they have harvested more elk than they have permits for. They have vandalized my truck and that ain’t the half of it. They’re plannin’ a war.
STEEL: Jesus! This sounds like one hell of a mess.
With his rifle pointed on the hunters, Steel unties one of their riding horses. Leads the horse closer to the campfire.
STEEL: The tack is stacked over there. Saddle up this gelding. We’re gettin’ out’a here before dark or the National Guard shows up.
NICK: Ha! No National Guard’s ever goin’ to show up here. You’re bluffing. (Warning) You’ll never make it outa here alive!
John commences to saddle the bay. When he reaches under the horse’s belly to grab the cinch, he feels a cold gun barrel poking his back. He slowly reaches into his left boot, pulls out his Buck fixed blade knife, whirls around and stabs his attacker in the gut.
The attacker falls to the ground, blood filling his mouth and oozing through his jacket. Only then John recognizes the person he has killed. It is the kid.
JOHN: Oh shit! Oh no! Oh God!
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LOGLINE: JOHN’S MISSION IS A FAILURE
ESSENCE: JOHN AND NICK GET INTO A CAT AND MOUSE TIFF.
AUGUST 20, 1776 AMERICAN REVOLUTION
EXT, HAUL OF EMPIRE BRITISH SHIP –NIGHT
John climbs up the anchor. He carries a waterproof bag on his back.He gets aboard and finds a cleaners closet where he puts on the red uniform over white with black boots. John tries to get down below decks to start a leak. But he is caught by the English and taken in front of Nick who struts like a Bantum Rooster.
INT. NICK’S CABIN-NIGHT
John is searched for weapons and then tied to a chair.
NICK
Who are you? Are you alone or with someone else?
JOHN
I’m Stevens, John Stevens. I work
alone.
NICK
Who do you work for?
JOHN
Why should I tell you?
NICK
We will win this war. You will see. The crown always wins. That America, as you call it, will be ours. I give you that.
That is all John sees of Nick. A black bag is put over his head.
NICK
Guard, make sure he stays awake.
AUGUST 21,1776-NIGHT
Nick slaps John awake.
NICK
And don’t even think about sleep until you give up the where abouts of George Washington and his personal army.
JOHN
What day is it?
NICK
(lying)
3 days have already passed.
JOHN
Give me information about where this British army is headed.
Nick is silent and leaves the room.
AUGUST 22,1776 -NIGHT
Nick enters the room again.
NICK
Do you have a wife and kids, John?
JOHN
You leave them out of this.
NICK
Well, look who we have here.
WOMAN
John, are you alright?
JOHN
Becky, is that you?
WOMAN
I… I–
NICK
That’s enough out of you wench.
We hear a loud slap.
WOMAN
Ohhhh.
JOHN
You leave her alone.
John tries to rise. His ropes are frayed enough that he breaks free and yanks off his mask.
JOHN
You’re not my wife. What kind of game are you playing Nick?
John takes a few punches at Nick before Nick punches back. They fight around his woman until Nick is on the floor bleeding and unconscious. John takes the woman and they flee to try to sink the boat but John sees they are at a port where he and the woman get off.
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