Lesson 9

[Christi Falk]

Christi Falk’s Elevated Prompt #2

Logline: In laying his dead wife to rest, John tries and fails to take her secret to the grave.

Essence: John is in mourning and conflicted between loyalties to the living and the dead. Nick has been tasked with the impossible from his living wife and is the only one who would gleefully be tasked with this at a funeral. We feel this confrontation is decades in the making.

UPDATING: I looked at every point of dialogue and tweaked where necessary. I’ve also made the setup at the beginning more pronounced. It helped the end pack that emotional cathartic punch.

THE RECIPE

FADE IN:

INT. FUNERAL HOME PARLOR – DAY

An empty room with chairs set up, facing a casket. Sparse decorations of wreaths and electric candles line the outskirts of the room. JOHN, 80s, grieving widower and NICK, 80s, family relation, approach separately to sit in the back row.

NICK

Hey Johnny!

Nick slaps a good natured hand on his shoulder but John nods and keeps his gaze on the casket. Nick awkwardly removes his hand and tries a different approach.

NICK

So, Sadie wants to make sure you eat today. Come over after?

John doesn’t react.

NICK

If you need any help with….stuff…

JOHN

Just say it.

NICK

What?

JOHN

You’ll figure it out.

John gets up to leave but Nick pulls him back down.

NICK

Okay, she was hoping to get it now that-

JOHN

Now that Jenny’s dead? You got some stones, Nicky.

They keep their voices down but the tone is not friendly.

NICK

Come on, Johnny, I know you. No way it’s on a computer. It has to be written down somewhere.

Nick looks towards the casket with surprise. He moves quickly to the front of the room with John, who knocks over his folding chair, in hot pursuit.

Still in angry whispers.

JOHN

You wouldn’t dare.

John places a restraining hand over the lid. Nick smiles.

NICK

Come on, John. It’s your favourite. You can’t let it go.

JOHN

Who says it’s the only copy.

Nick smiles as he takes a step away from the coffin.

NICK

You promised her it would be.

John’s emotions threaten as he blinks back tears. Nick changes stance again, this time, an empathetic approach.

NICK

Hey, what about the kids?

JOHN

Don’t want it.

NICK

One day they might. Listen, Sadie is willing to promise it will go with her.

JOHN

Right.

NICK

Look, it’s in woman shorthand. Sadie will swear on a stack of Bibles it won’t got to Aunt Helen.

John lovingly strokes the coffin as he considers.

JOHN

I’m still waiting.

Nick mimes a search for his wallet.

NICK

You charging me, Johnny?

JOHN

Haven’t figured it out yet?

John stands facing Nick for a long beat. Nick finally looks at the coffin. He clears his throat.

NICK

She… uh… was s good woman. The best thing… that ever happened to you. I’m-

His voice cracks slightly

NICK

I’m sorry I ever said otherwise.

John returns the slap on the shoulder, pulls out an envelope from his pocket then hands it to Nick. Nick quickly recovers and puts it in his breast pocket.

JOHN

There, was that so hard?

NICK

You had it the whole time?

John shrugs.

JOHN

Figured the sisters would search everywhere. Was going to throw it down with my rose.

John and Nick walk back down the isle towards the entrance.

JOHN

You gonna tell her now?

Nick shakes his head.

NICK

Aunt Helen just got a new hip and she’s looking to break it in. A funeral brawl would be just what the doctor ordered.

John cracks a smile that breaks into a chuckle. Nick starts to laugh as well and the empty room is filled with joy.

FADE OUT.

[Michael Jones]

LOGLINE: Nick wants to know who stole his stash, and John has the answer he seeks.

ESSENCE: Nick wants a name, John wants revenge.

SCENE:

INT. SCHOOL BATHROOM – DAY

John exits the bathroom stall and sees Nick standing by the door. He freezes.

NICK

You know what I’m here for.

JOHN

Stall’s free. (gestures to the other ones). You didn’t need to wait for the one I was using.

NICK

Don’t make me do this.

JOHN

No one’s making you do anything.

NICK

Don’t make me the villain, John. Please, wash your hands.

John goes to the sink, eyeing Nick while washing his hands.

JOHN

Think you could hand me some paper towel?

Nick smiles, pulls five towel squares from the dispenser and hands them to him. As John dries his hands, Nick puts him into a headlock, not too hard, but is it ever pleasant? John drops the paper towels.

NICK

I want a name, John. That’s it. You know so you can help me know, you know? (points to the towels on the floor). You think being a janitor is easy work? Don’t be selfish, John. Pick it up.

JOHN

(still in the headlock)

I wouldn’t want your dad to be outta work.

NICK

That’s not nice, John. (releases John). Go on, pick them up.

The trash is by the door so John readily agrees, but Nick bars the door.

NICK

We can keep doing this until you tell me, but, John–let me tell you–we won’t always be at school.

John tries hiding his worry but Nick picks it up.

NICK

Who’s gonna look out for you? Huh? You travel in a crowd of one. Go on, you can wash your hands again.

JOHN

I’m good.

NICK

Go on. You must want to. You just picked trash up off the ground.

John reluctantly returns to the sink. Nick nods to him so he washes his hands again. Nick takes more paper towels from the dispenser and brings it to him. John takes it and slowly dries, keeping an eye on Nick and ready to step away if he tries another headlock.

JOHN

I can tell.

NICK

I could beat you. But, you wouldn’t want me suspended ‘cause I wouldn’t want me suspended ‘cause that would upset my mom, and neither of us wants to upset her when all we’re talking about is my little stash.

JOHN

It didn’t look like a little.

Nick grabs at John but he backs away. Nick backs him to the wall and grabs his shirt with both knuckles pressing into his jaw.

NICK

Who was it?

JOHN

Ask them.

NICK

I can make an exception about that suspension.

JOHN

What about your mom?

NICK

What’s she have to do with this?

JOHN

Are you seeing a psychologist? You could really use the help.

Nick releases him. He cracks a warning smile, shaking his finger at him.

NICK

John.

JOHN

You use that stuff to fill the void. I get it. You must have a pretty big void in there. (pointing to Nick’s head).

Nick strikes John in the stomach. A hard punch that catches John off guard. John drops to the floor, wincing and gasping for air, clutching his side. Nick watches, guilty.

NICK

I didn’t want to do it, John. I didn’t want to, but you kept at it and then I lost it. You did this.

Nick sees tears in John’s eyes.

NICK

You did this. I mean…you just have to tell me who…just give me a name.

John calms his breathing but still looks bad on the floor.

NICK

I’m sorry, John.

John mumbles.

NICK

What’s that, John? Come on, let’s get you off that floor. It’s a bathroom floor, John. No place to lie around.

Nick reaches out to help him up but John won’t take his hand. He makes his way up on his own. They stare at each other.

JOHN

Who’s it for?

NICK

What’s that matter?

JOHN

You got my sister suspended by hiding a stash like that in her desk when you were almost caught the last time. You want information? Just humor me.

NICK

Tell me first.

JOHN

I don’t think so.

NICK

If you don’t I’ll do it to you all over again. This time I won’t be playing around, John. I’m being nice ‘cause we go way back.

JOHN

Then for old times’ sake…who?

NICK

Jordan and Eric. They find ‘em, I supply ‘em.

JOHN

What a businessman.

NICK

John–

JOHN

Is it true you’ll be expelled if you get caught again?

NICK

I’ve lost track.

Nick moves towards John again and John waits until he gets up in his face.

JOHN

Jared. He put it in his gym bag. It’s in his locker.

NICK

That wasn’t so bad. Could’ve saved us a bunch of unnecessary banter.

JOHN

Can I wash my hands?

NICK

Of course. But you’ll have to get your own paper towel this time.

Nick smiles and leaves. John dries his hand and straightens himself out in the mirror.

John pulls a stash out of his pocket.

JOHN

Thanks, Nick.

He smiles and puts it back, wincing a bit and reaching for his bruised side.

John pulls out his phone and checks if it’s still recording. He got it.

JOHN

Bet Principle Fitz-Wallace would love to hear this. You never should’ve blamed my sister.

[Susan]

Hi Mike,

The rewrite appears to be exactly the same as the original. Did you post the wrong one?

[Michael Jones]

No, Susan, I got lazy:)

[Susan]

SITUATION: A face-to-face standoff where the good guy must get certain info from the bad guy before the fight starts.

SCENE ARC: From just before the face-off to the good guy has the info.

NOTE: If you want to display the actual fight, that is fine, but the ESSENCE of this scene should have to do with the cat and mouse game of gathering the info.
——–

Susan McClary’s QE cycle #2 REWRITE

LOGLINE: John finds Nick’s mansion hidden in the woods. He has been tasked to infiltrate Nick’s lair, save a fellow agent, and get information on just how dangerous Nick is.
ESSENCE: Nick is more dangerous than anyone thought and John really could use some help here. He must now save the world from a “mad scientist” who wants to destroy all of humanity.

SCENE: The Lair

FADE IN:

EXT/INT MANSION

JOHN rings the door chimes of a large mansion hidden in the woods. Then knocks repeatedly.

A BUTLER finally opens the door.

JOHN spits his gum out in the hedges before entering.

BUTLER
The Master says he’s been expecting you.

JOHN
(Raising his eyebrows)
Oh he did, did he?

The BUTLER escorts JOHN through a long hallway to a set of large wooden double doors. He opens them and leads JOHN inside.

JOHN taps on the doors to check if they are solid.

The room is ornate and filled with a multitude of expensive artwork, books, instruments, furniture, and furnishings.

BUTLER
Please wait here.

JOHN enters the room and remains near the doors. He scans the room from that position checking for traps.

BUTLER
(Displaying these.)
Champagne? Beluga? The Master says to make you feel at home.

JOHN
(Sniffing them.)
Not at present.

BUTLER
Very well, Sir.

JOHN
Will Nick be gracing me with his presence soon?

BUTLER
I will let him know you have arrived.

BUTLER puts the tray on small table at the rear of the room and EXITS.

JOHN, is not impressed with his surroundings, he’s seen it all before. He checks behind the stuffed sofas and the drapes, then walks toward a stunning painting of trees in a field with mountains in the background. He is captivated.

NICK tip toes into the room.

NICK
Feel the frame. Go ahead. It’s hand carved. Do you know the artist?

JOHN
It’s a Monet, “Les Sables, Giverny.” It just sold at auction for 5.6 million euros.

NICK
(Quite annoyed)
Indeed. I was the one who bought it.

JOHN stares at NICK now, happy that he got a rise, but wondering if he’s dealing with an idiot?

NICK CONT
It’s oeuvre typical of Monet…

JOHN
(Interrupting, pushing it)
Yes, especially his brush strokes and how he establishes light. Gorgeous!

NICK
(Getting angry)
I find solace in your final appearance here in my hideaway, as Monet found solace in Giverny. It’s been so long since we’ve seen you….

NICK staring down JOHN and waltzing slowly toward him.

NICK CONT
By the way, how did you find us?

JOHN
Is that the royal we, or are there more than one of you in there?

NICK picks up the tray of Champagne and Caviar and offers it to JOHN.

NICK
Sure you wouldn’t like a little snack? There’s no food or drink allowed where we’re going.

JOHN
No thank you. I wouldn’t want to barf in your sanctuary.

NICK sneers, pushes a button on the side of a bookcase and it swings away from the wall. He uses the pendent (an obscure key) hanging from his neck to open the once hidden door.

JOHN eyes the room behind them. No one, not even the BUTLER.

NICK then steers JOHN through the safe room door and closes it behind them. They are now in a small room with a concrete and steel staircase extending downwards.

JOHN surveils every angle: up, down, sides, corners… he sees a spider in a corner web near the stairs.

JOHN
Must be lonely in here. I know the feeling. You don’t happen to be poisonous do you?

As NICK and JOHN both descend.

NICK
Watch your head.

The stairs pitch down to a medium sized room with a bomb shelter door at the far end.

The walls of the lower room are covered in rows of time cards and an old fashioned time clock. In front of the door is a metal detector with GOONS looming on either side.

The GOONS take JOHN’S gun.

Behind this door is an enormous modern bomb shelter which spreads out under the hill behind the mansion.

There are hundreds of people working on complex futuristic machinery.

NICK
Shall we?

NICK pops on sunglasses. JOHN shields his eyes. They both walk further into the brightly lit structure.

JOHN
What is this?

JOHN turns and looks back at the door. He sees the other agent tied up near the exit.

NICK
It is the epicenter of my operations.

JOHN
What operation is that Nick?

NICK turns on a microphone hidden in his lapel.

NICK
(In a loud commanding voice filling the enormous room)
Attention!

All the WORKERS stand up straight and salute NICK. We now see that they aren’t people at all, but amazing lifelike robots.

NICK CONT

And now that you’ve seen it you’ll never leave…
(Mumbling under his breath, just loud enough for John to hear)
at least not alive… just like that fellow over there. Being clobbered by animatronic fists will turn anyone’s bones to jelly.

JOHN focuses at the agent again, and is stunned to realize he’s dead.

JOHN
And your plan is?

NICK
To repopulate the planet of course. The world is filled with such evil people. Robots are so much nicer…
(Sniffing the air)
And they don’t fart.

JOHN takes his plastic disposable lighter out of his pocket and lights the next one up.
A streak of fire startles NICK and blinds the ROBOTS.

JOHN sprints to the door. He salutes the dead AGENT.

JOHN
Apologies for my late arrival.

Outside the door JOHN knocks out the two living GOONS, grabs his gun, and huffs it up the stairs.

NICK and the robots recover, and are in hot pursuit.

NICK
Get him!

JUMP CUT TO:

• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Susan McClaryu. Reason: formatting issues