Lesson 9

[Yvonne Arnett]

YVONNE ARNETT – Rewrite
LOGLINE: Two Homicide Detectives are investigating
the death of a woman that one of them has murdered.
ESSENCE: Nick’s envy of John culminates in a betrayal
between friends.
INT: CRIME SCENE IN AN UPSCALE LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Homicide Detective, John, is standing over the body of Monica Taylor,
an officer in their department, laying in a pool of blood in front of a sofa.
The room is a mess with broken end tables, lamps and crockery strewn
about. The sofa and walls are splattered with blood. There is a trail of
blood leading from the bedroom. Homicide Detective, Nick, walks into
the scene and is shocked.
NICK
Wow! It’s Monica. What a mess!
Nick Scans the room.
NICK
This is where she bled out. Looks like the initial attack
started in a backroom and moved to here.
She took quite a beating.
Nick turns and notices that John hasn’t moved. In fact
he looks sick.
NICK
Hey buddy, You don’t look so good.
JOHN
Why Monica? God, who would do this?
NICK
She was a good officer. A little loose, but who’s judging.
JOHN
What do you mean by that crack?
NICK
Nothing, just telling you what everyone was saying.
JOHN (angrily)
Who. . . you?
NICK (shrugs)
Don’t kill the messenger.
John gives Nick a questioning look.
JOHN
I thought you asked her out once.
NICK
Yes, that’s old history. You see anything
that looks like a weapon?
Nick walks around the room and spots a metal
sculpture laying behind the sofa. A dark stain
is visible on one dented edge.
NICK
Nasty weapon. We’ll have the Forensic team
bag it when they arrive.
JOHN
You check out the kitchen and I’ll have a look at the
bedroom and see if her assailant left anything behind.
John walks around the blood trail into the bedroom.
The walls, ceiling and bed are polka dotted with blood.
He leans against the door to compose himself and takes
two deep breaths before continuing. He opens the night
stand and sees a cell phone. He picks it up.
NICK (Nick hollers from the living room)
Look what I found!
John enters the living room with the phone.
Nick holds up an intimate photo of John and Monica.
NICK
You care to explain?
John tries to reach for it, but Nick is too quick
and steps back. He places the photo in a
clear plastic bag.
JOHN
Where did you find that, Nick?
Nick points to a side table. John swallows hard.
NICK
In a drawer over there. I guess Monica
was more than a friend.
JOHN
Yeah, I loved her.
NICK
Sorry John, you never mentioned to me
that you and Monica were an item. I thought
we were friends.
JOHN
It was none of your business.
NICK
I know you’re used to getting what you want,
so this will be hard for you. But, I don’t think it’s a
good idea for you to be here tromping all over
the crime scene.
JOHN
What? You think I did this?
Nick places his hand on John’s shoulder.
NICK
John, I’m here for you. We’ve worked together
for ten years and I consider you a good friend.
Just tell me what happened.
JOHN
That’s what I’m trying to say. Nothing happened.
I – I don’t understand.
NICK
It’s not looking good for you.
JOHN
No – no! For God’s sake Nick, someone
beat her to death. I didn’t do that. I couldn’t.
NICK
You were here last night, right?
JOHN
Yes, we had a glass of wine and talked.
That’s all. How did you know?
NICK
Did you have a fight? Maybe it got out of hand
and you hit her too hard.
John sits down on a chair and places
his head in his hands. He is clearly
distraught.
JOHN
No – no. I didn’t.
NICK
It will be easier if you just confess.
I’ll help you find a good lawyer.
JOHN
Wait. I have to think. It must have
happened after I left last night. That
was about eleven, so she was killed after that.
NICK
But, it’s YOUR finger prints and DNA that
will be all over the place.
JOHN
Not necessarily. The killer had to leave
something behind. We just have to find it.
NICK
The rest of our Forensic team will be here soon,
so you need to get your story straight. I believe
you because you’re my friend. But they may not.
JOHN
Wait a minute! I’ve got her cell phone. Her last calls
may help us.
NICK (demands)
That’s not a good idea. Give it to me John.
John opens the cell phone he is holding and taps
the last call she received.
JOHN
She said someone was following her. Harassing her.
We agued about it. I thought she was over reacting.
She also said. . .
NICK
I said, give it to me John.
A cell phone begins to ring in Nick’s pocket. John slowly
turns his head towards Nick, who is holding a gun.
They look at each other.
JOHN
. . .she said it was someone I knew and trusted.
NICK
I had too, don’t you see, John? She rejected me for you.
She was a whoring bitch. I’m better than you. No one
rejects me.
John raises slowly out of his chair.
JOHN
You son of a bitch. I’ll kill you!
John lounges at Nick and is shot.
The Forensic team enters the room with
cameras and equipment.
NICK
It’s John. He just confessed to killing Monica.
I had to shoot him as he attacked me.
Nick puts the gun away and smiles. Except John
Isn’t dead, only injured. He raises up into a sitting
position and extends his hand with the cell
Phone towards the Forensic Team.
JOHN
Here is Monica’s cell phone. Check her calls
and texts. Nick killed her.

[Firdaus Bilimoria]

Like the setup and the motivation for Nick and John, and the dialogue.
Suggestion: Maybe show a more visceral connection that Nick had to Monica and a more intense motivation for him killing her, perhaps they were seeing each other before John came into the picture.

[Firdaus Bilimoria]

Firdaus Rewrite
LOGLINE: Nick, a crooked Narc cop who is now a stool for IAD and wearing a wire, tries to get his mentor John to incriminate himself, while John tries to confirm his own suspicions about Nick before he decides to take action.
ESSENCE: Two corrupt cops in an existential struggle for self-preservation, grapple with their core values, friendship and affection for each other.
SCENE:

EXT. TIMMONS SQUARE, DAY It is a large square in the urban underbelly of a beaten down city. It looks desolate even with the car traffic and the dealers, hookers and junkies shuffling around the street. NICK, 30s, in jeans, leather jacket and sneakers, out of place and obviously a cop from his confident stride and demeanor, crosses the main intersection. He passes a parked non-descript minivan with two guys in the front. One of them is intently watching the rearview mirror, while the other casually throws a cigarette out the passenger window. NICK glances at the man in the passenger seat and subtly flashes his middle finger before he scratches the side of his face. Nick continues walking and turns into an alleyway.
EXT. ALLEYWAY, DAY JOHN, 40s, fellow cop, muscular frame, in jeans, hoodie and sneakers, stands at the back of a Chinese restaurant halfway into the alley, watches NICK as he approaches.
NICK I thought you hate Chinese food.
JOHN What’s up Nick?
NICK You tell me. You wanted to meet here.
John watches Nick’s face and the street behind him from which he entered the alley.
JOHN Some of the best busts are behind stinky restaurants.
Nick shrugs, he watches John casually. We sense an undercurrent of tension and expectation.
NICK Are we making a bust on the fly, like the one last month?
JOHN Spontaneity my friend is the road to success.
NICK Hey I appreciate success, pretty happy with my share from that one.
John doesn’t respond. He holds Nick’s eye then nods and looks away.
NICK Hey I’m looking to buy some investment property, on a cash basis, so another bust or two like that, and I’m a happy boy! (almost too casually) What do you do with your share John?
John is inscrutable.
JOHN Remember the time we took on the Dicksy Brothers crew?
NICK You saved my life.
JOHN When you save someone, you feel responsible for them.
NICK I owe you big time.
John nods.
JOHN Montoya is nervous about something.
Nick stays silent. He stares intently at John.
JOHN IAD is sniffing around.
NICK The Cap is being paranoid, they are always sniffing around.
JOHN Something’s different this time. (beat) Have they talked to you?
NICK (shrugs) They are always around, I just ignore them.
John nods thoughtfully. Nick waits.
JOHN Big part of this job, is loyalty. And love for your fellow narc.
NICK (chuckles) Love for your fellow narc, I’m going to write that down.
JOHN Do the right thing by your fellow officers, clean up the mess in the town, and hold your head high. (beat) What do you think?
Nick is startled by the question.
NICK Yeah…
JOHN No one thought you’d last long, but you did.
NICK I was trained by the best.
John paces for a moment.
JOHN The other week, after the bust on Dunby Street…
Nick almost flinches.
JOHN You were gone a full day after that…
NICK I had a bad cold. Or was it an all-nighter with this girl I just started seeing.
John regards Nick carefully, taking in his nervousness.
JOHN Joshua said he thought IAD was tailing us after the bust. But we lost them, and you were in your car. You called and said something came up, and would see us later.
NICK (fidgets) Yeah something came up, the girl… she texted me something and I thought since we were done I would catch up later.
JOHN We thought you ran off with the loot, but next day you brought it in.
NICK Yeah!
JOHN Is that when IAD turned you?
Nick looks at John trapped in his relentless gaze.
An old Chinese restaurant worker steps out the back door with a large bag of garbage. He nods at the two cops and dumps the bag in the garbage bin. He stares at the cops watching him and returns inside.
Nick shakes his head and grimaces.
NICK Listen… I didn’t want to get involved in your business, but I should have told you sooner. Angie…
JOHN (blank) What about Angie?
NICK (makes a face) You guys broke up, but I bet you didn’t know why she left… about her and Montoya.
John takes this in.
JOHN Montoya’s seeing Angie?
NICK Was seeing her. I mean it must be that loyalty crap, right? Sleep with your fellow officer’s woman, make her break up with him and stop seeing her too, so the show can go on…
John stares at Nick for a long moment, torn between distrust and his emotion for his lost love. He looks away. Nick waits.
JOHN We have a bust coming up soon, we meet the team in a half-hour.
Nick takes this in. He suddenly gets animated.
NICK Come on man! Admit it, just between the two of us. We are both corrupt cops who steal from the dealers, and report to a corrupt Captain who has ruined our lives…
John grabs Nick and rips open his jacket collar to reveal a taped mike on Nick’s chest. He smiles grimly at Nick.
JOHN (speaking into the wire receiver) Why would I kill you? And why would I admit to all this bullshit that’s just not true.
Nick pushes him away. He is scared.
NICK Come’on Montoya messed up the one good thing you had going, and you are going to kill me for him?
JOHN You’re loosing it. Let’s go.
NICK If you think I’m going on another bust with you guys to get conveniently shot in the line of duty, you are crazy!
They stare at each other.
JOHN (contemptuous) You are not fit for this job. You should call the mental health hotline. They might help you.
Nick nods slowly, relieved at the way out presented to him. John punches Nick hard catching him by surprise, and Nick goes down.
Nick holds the wire receiver tight so as to make inaudible what he is going to say.
NICK Maybe Montoya gets shot in the bust instead. Payback for Angie, and maybe solve all our problems?
They stare at each other.