Lesson 9 Assignments

[Jack Young]

Jack Young’s Presents Non-Stop Intrigue

What I learned doing this assignment is we must continually examine each of our sentences in our TV Pitch to make sure each one of them is not vague or boring and invites intrigue. To me, this has helped me to find vague sentences that really didn’t invoke anything. Although this is a subjective exercise, I believe it did help me to identify quite a few sentences in both the summary, character descriptions, and episodes that did improve it.

I have posted an updated TV Pitch below:

“STREAM”

An Original Series by Jackie Lynn Young

GENRE: SCI-FI

FORMAT: Episodic 8×60’

Concept:

A foreclosure specialist and cheating husband dying from terminal cancer must enter an energy Stream that leads to another world to save mankind.

World of this show:

There are several unexplored worlds in this show; A mystical world of Astral traveling where souls have been hijacked into an energy Stream within the Astral plane. The Ocean of Souls is a reality that mimics Heaven but is actually a holding tank for souls. The Planet of Seals is a planet that is home to 6 mammoth sacred seals that keep an unimaginable evil at bay. Inhabitants of the planet, to include old skins (kidnapped humans) and new skins (souls encased in synthetic skins) serve only as a labor force to remove the seals. Cronus delights in encasing new souls (unborn babies) in devices, machines, utilities, musical instruments, and other creatures in creating a bizarre world that serves his needs and delights.

Show Summary:

Foreclosure Specialist, Michael Walker, wants to be a good husband. This would be true except for the fact that he can’t seem to end an affair with a secretary at work and has just lost his job and family savings in an illegal inside-trader stock deal. Oh, and his business partner who supplied the insider trading info just flipped on him at the local FBI headquarters office. Any minute, the FBI will show up with an arrest warrant for Michael. If this isn’t enough, his brother’s suicide haunts him with his father blaming him for his death.

As he tries to find his way through a minefield of personal and professional problems, a no-birth epidemic looms over everyone on the planet as his terrible migraines get worse and worse. But as if things seem they can’t get any worse, he’ll soon discover that he may be mankind’s only hope to end the current no-birth epidemic. But it will cost him his life!

Why will it cost him his life? Because it’s been his destiny his whole life.

Michael, as a young boy would have drowned in a swimming pool if his older brother had not been there. Michael, for a short time, died that day and had a fantastical vision of himself floating in an ocean of souls. Above him in the sky formed a mammoth disk, the size of a football field, with ancient scribes and symbols on it. The instant he reached out to touch it, his brother revived him. Michael soon discovers that the source of his migraines is terminal brain cancer. Supernatural events lead him towards the Professor, a man that may have the answers to what is causing the epidemic and why Michael must die to stop it.

Professor Darlington theorizes that an unusual energy stream in the astral plane is stealing all of the souls from our planet. Shunned by the scientific community as a lunatic, the Professor has put together a team and has developed a method to send a man into the energy stream. But Michael’s wife, Diane, is not going for it. She wants to see the Stream herself.

After some training by the team in Astral Projection, the Professor’s young team of Astral travelers guide Michael and Diane into the Astral plane to see firsthand the Stream that is stealing souls. Although warned about getting too close to the Stream, Diane, mesmerized by its magnitude, is pulled into the Stream. The team quickly goes into action to pull her from the raging energy stream as new and old souls pass them by, reinforcing the Professor’s theory that it is indeed stealing souls.

The night before Michael is to make his voyage into the Stream, Michael’s migraines intensify and he loses sight in one eye. Michael confesses his infidelities and regrets. Diane holds back as Michael pleads that she forgive him before he dies.

Thomas, a MIT engineer and close friend of the Professor, finishes testing the preservation pod that will keep Michael’s body at the precise temperature to prevent cellular damage while Michael is on his journey into the Stream.

How does a man who lost his faith years ago willingly climb into an experimental chamber to have his heart stopped so he can be projected into an energy stream that goes who knows where? And how does he do this knowing that he may never see his wife or son ever again? Michael knows the answer…..when he nearly drowned as a child, he saw his destiny.

CHARACTER DESCRIPTIONS:

MICHAEL WALKER:

Michael used to think of himself as a family man and a caring and loving brother. Feeling responsible for his brother’s death and having witnessed a client commit suicide at work have caused Michael to lose faith and become distanced from his family. He takes risk with finances and relationships to get ahead and protect his family during the unprecedented no-birth crisis that has swept the world for 5 years. The FBI issues a warrant for Michael’s arrest for insider trading violations.

PROFESSOR ALBERT DARLINGTON:

The Professor is a mentor to Michael on his journey into the Stream. He’s an expert in the field of Astral travel and has a specialized team of college students that he also mentors. His theory that the Stream is the cause of the no-birth epidemic is not accepted in the scientific community and the Government thinks he’s a quack. The Professor is determined to prove his theory and stop the epidemic. The problem is that it requires someone to die to prove his theory.

He is secretly designing a device that disconnects the human soul from the body. He plans to use it to take his own Astral journey to look for his wife in the hereafter who suddenly died several years earlier. The Professor knows that the chances of Michael returning home once the Stream has been shut down are slim to none but he will withhold this truth in order to convince Michael to die and enter the Stream.

DIANE WALKER:

Diane is Michael’s wife and mother to his 5-year old son, Nicholas. She does her best to cherish and protect her son during the no-birth epidemic that has been raging for 5 years. Her son is one of the last children born before the no-birth epidemic began. She suspects that Michael has been having an affair but doesn’t want confrontation. She, of course, has her own secrets such as the fact that she had a brief affair with Michael’s older brother before he died and, unknown to Michael, was the last one with his brother before he intentionally overdosed. She allows the lie to perpetuate that Michael was the last person to see his brother alive. She wants for her son to grow up in a better world and wants to feel safe again. She feels powerless to fix her life and world. She’s got more guts than anyone would have guessed. When she learns the truth that Michael has no way home after shutting down the Stream, she goes into the Stream after him to bring him back.

CRONUS

Cronus is a hybrid human made of human DNA (From an alien captured human specimen) and alien DNA. He has human form when reserved and a frightening alien form when irritated. Cronus is a complicated creature that is evil, sadistic, cunning, and sometimes depraved. Cronus is not without his own weaknesses and faults that derive from his human side. He rules his kingdom with an iron hand with only one mission in mind; the removal of the sacred seals that have been in place since the beginning of the universe and keep the most evil elements of the universe at bay. The evil behind the seals will make him the most powerful creature in the universe.

HARRY MILES

Harry is an agent at the department of Homeland Security Agency. Harry is your typical Boy Scout. Harry was assigned the investigation into the no-birth epidemic and is investigating the Professor’s connection to the epidemic. He became involved when Michael’s death was reported and involved the FBI because of Michael’s body crossing state lines. Harry, like many other people, has been touched by the no-birth epidemic. Harry has a teen daughter and was expecting his first boy, but he was born stillborn like all of the other babies born during the epidemic. Harry is the type of man that feels that it is essential for the bloodline to go on. Harry and his team will ultimately come to the same decision that the Professor has come to, some intelligence has created an energy stream that is stealing souls from Earth and creating the no-birth epidemic. Harry will lead the effort to create a government team made up of Army warfighters and him as team leader that will also go into the Stream in an effort to shut it down. Harry must inform his team that even with their bodies in environmentally controlled pods, the chances of returning from this mission is very low.

SEASON I, EPISODE DESCRIPTIONS:

EPISODE I: Michael Crosses Over

As a child, Michael almost drowns and has a vision of the mammoth sacred seals. At work, as Michael repossesses the home of an old woman, she pulls a gun from her purse and shoots herself right in front of him. Michael gets word that the FBI has issued a warrant for his arrest for an illegal stock deal. Michael breaks off an affair with his secretary while his headaches intensify. Michael has visions of the Stream and Professor and discovers that he has terminal brain cancer. Michael meets the Professor and Thomas who want to stop his heart and send him into the Stream. Michael dies to enter the Stream and begins his journey.

EPISODE II: The Sorcerer’s Dark Story.

During the dark ages, a king sends his sons to investigate the darkness that looms over his kingdom. His sons find the Sorcerer summoning evil and creating soulless creatures that has thrown the kingdom into the Dark Ages. The Sorcerer is killed during the fight and is thrown into the portal that leads to the planet of Sacred Seals. During the chaos, the elder son kills his brother over an affair he had with his wife. Upon his return, the king kills his traitorous son for killing his favorite son. Again, with the Sorcerer vanquished the darkness parts for sunshine over the kingdom.

EPISODE III: An Alien Invasion Fails

Aliens arrive on the planet of seals. The Aliens discover the seals are a source of strange/dark power. Aliens discover it is evil and try to escape but find that they are trapped on the planet. Evil infiltrates the ship and causes the pregnancy of the human and other specimens resulting in new kinds of evil/dark creatures being born.

EPISODE IV: Cronus is Born

Cronus is born of a female human and grows to take control of the aliens. Cronus discovers the body of the Sorcerer near the Seals. The Sorcerer’s body is reanimated and becomes aid to Cronus. Cronus develops a plan to raise the 6 Sacred Seals using slave labor from other planets. The Sorcerer helps the Aliens to bring human workers to the planet through a wormhole. Tired of the limitations of the human body, the Sorcerer and Aliens develop the Stream to steals souls for synthetic slave workers. The City of Seals is built around the seals.

EPISODE V: The Professor’s Stories of the Astral World

A group of college students experiment with astral projection. Professor Darlington becomes aware of their astral activities. The Professor mentors them on Astral Projection and recruits them into an Astral team. The Professor reveals his introduction to and dark secrets of Astral Projection. The Professor and students discover the “Stream” in the Astral plane. The Professor believes that the Stream is connected to no-birth and is ridiculed by science community.

EPISODE VI: Am I in Heaven?

Michael revisits the highlights of his life as his soul leaves his body and he enters the Astral plane. The Astral team, guided by the Professor, ensures that Michael enters the Stream and is on his way to the other side. Michael arrives in the Ocean of Souls (Heaven). Michael is plucked from the Ocean of Souls and is given a new “Skin”. Michael is assigned work in the Black Forest.

EPISODE VII: Keeping the Body Alive

Michael’s wife escapes with Michael’s preserved body. Thomas steals equipment to maintain Michael’s body. Police implement a wide area search for Michael’s wife. Thomas is killed. He finds himself in the Ocean of Souls.

EPISODE VIII: The Professor’s Secret Soul Experiments

The Professor has a breakthrough discovery on human soul/body connection. Police confers with FBI on Professor’s work. FBI hones in on the Professor’s research and assigns the case to Homeland Security agent (Harry Miles). The Professor flees with his team. The Professor succeeds with a test of is new device. Michael travels to the City of Seals and sees the seals for the first time.

FIVE SEASONS DESCRIPTION:

SEASON I: The Death of Michael

Michael finds himself in a journey to see what exists on the other end of the Stream that is creating the no-birth epidemic. Michael is dying, being pursued by the government, and dealing with forces that are trying to stop him from entering the Stream. Can Michael get to the other end of the Stream and stop it? Michael is plucked from what appears to be a version of Heaven and finds himself in a synthetic skin on a strange planet.

SEASON II: There’s a Much, Much Bigger Problem…

Michael discovers that a bigger problem than the Stream stealing souls exists after arriving on the Planet of Seals. A whole city has been built on the planet around 6 mammoth Sacred Seals buried in the ground. Hundreds of thousands of humans and millions of “Skins” have been imprisoned on the planet and employed as workers to raise the sacred seals. According to an old man they call the “Seer” the removal of the seals will plunge the universe into the age of evil, with Cromus at the helm. Michael searches for answers about the Stream and Seals while the Professor visits the Ocean of Souls looking for his deceased wife. The government steps up its investigation of the professor, convinced he’s responsible for the no-birth epidemic. Can Michael find the source of the Stream and shut it down? On Earth, Thomas gets killed while protecting Michael’s body and finds himself in the Ocean of Souls. The Homeland Security preps their team of Army Rangers to journey into the Stream to shut it down.

SEASON III: Ocean of Souls

Thomas searches for Michael as a revolution builds against Cronus where Michael hesitantly accepts his role as leader. Cronus steps up crushing dissidence and removing the final sacred seals. War is on the horizon. Will the revolution succeed and will Cronus remove the final seals? Michael falls onto the seals and isn’t immediately disintegrated like others. He accepts his destiny that he has been chosen. Michael consolidates his armies along with Harry and his men who have come to Michael’s aid to destroy Cronus and the Stream.

SEASON IV: Son of Cronus

Cronus’ concubine returns to Earth carrying his child…the son of Cronus. Michael returns home, having destroyed the Stream. Babies are born again. The epidemic averted. The birth of Cronus’ son has brought the evil back to Earth. What will the evil that was brought back to Earth do? The son of Cronus is elected as VP of the United States.

SEASON V: The Battle for Mankind’s Souls

The son of Cronus gains power in the political world as a small group of rebels grows having perceived his evil intentions. Michael finds himself and family drawn into a new war against evil that he thought had been destroyed. The son of Cronus and his armies against the rebel force being led by Michael. Can the son of Cronus gain power over the world and will the sacred seals now be successfully removed by the son of Cronus? Newly designed “Military” skins guard the sacred seals on a foreign planet, forever guarding against the evil returning.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  Jack Young.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  Jack Young.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  Jack Young.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  Jack Young.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Presents Non-Stop Intrigue

What I learned doing this assignment is using setups and payoffs make the story more interesting and intriguing.

While I have more to do, my incorporation of setups and payoffs has made my TV Pitch Bible much more interesting and intriguing. It’s starting to come to life.

Elevated TV Pitch Bible

Show Title: IMMORTAL MOVEMENT

Concept:

A. When Zhora is gunned down by two Russian goons outside Falisa’s house, Sophie proves they were not enemies from Zhora’s past but rather thieves there to steal Falisa’s paintings, Old Russian Masters that went missing during the Boshevik Revolution…

B. …discovering her true brave and heroic nature…

C. …she slowly grows from a quiet-living art history professor, determined to keep secret her true identity as a Russian defector, into a daring, globetrotting art crime investigator.

World:

Unique Sub-World: The violent underworld of Russian art thieves, beginning with Lenin during the Bolshevik Revolution.Previously unexplored: How to keep safe her secret identity as a Russian defector sought after by the FSB while investigating theft and murder.The unknown: Will the FSB learn who she and her father really are?The unseen: Russian police investigation; Art thief’s plan to use heroine to find more Old Russian Masters, stolen during the Bolshevik Revolution.Unheard of Dangers: The FSB ruthlessly eliminates enemies of the state. Art thieves will kill to obtain paintings of great price.Reason to explore it: Accepting an opportunity to work for the Tretyakov Gallery in Moscow gives the heroine access to Russian archives and the descendants of the Russian nobles who were victimized by Lenin during the Bolshevik Revolution, some of whom became thieves themselves.

Show Summary:

Art history professor and portrait painter Sophie Wolf teaches on the Lone Mountain Campus of the University of San Francisco. She lives an intentionally quiet life with her father Zhora Volkov, a Russian translator, and their cat, Koshechka. But all this changes when Zhora and his fiancée, Falisa, are gunned down by Russians in front of Falisa’s house.

Before Zhora is transported to the hospital, he tells San Francisco Police Detective, Dave Sharp, that the shooters were enemies from his past. Unbeknownst to Dave, Zhora and Sophie defected from Russia to the United States twenty years before and are living in witness protection.

At the hospital visiting critically injured Zhora, Sophie meets FBI Agent Bill Hillman and learns that Zhora was not leading the quiet life she supposed. His job as a Russian translator was a cover for his actual job as an FBI informant. She’s at once scared and angry. If Zhora’s shenanigans alerted the FSB to their true identities, they will be forced to change their names again and start all over somewhere else.

After her hospital visit, Sophie comes home to find intruders there before her. She reacts in terror when she comes face-to-face with one of them before they get away.

When Bill arrives and goes through the house to determine what the intruders were after, he discovers that there’s nothing in the house that would interest FSB and that they seemed to be more interested in Sophie’s paintings than anything else.

The mention of paintings suggests to Sophie a different reason for the Russians’ attack on Zhora and Falisa. They may have been there for Falisa’s oil paintings, which Sophie suspects are Old Russian Masterpieces.

To determine the true motive for the attack on Zhora and Falisa, Sophie insists Bill take her to Falisa’s house, which is still a crime scene and find out if Falisa’s paintings are still there. He agrees. There, they find Falisa’s paintings missing. The Russians are not FSB. They’re art thieves.

Sophie concludes her home invaders were after another of Falisa’s paintings, the one Sophie has been cleaning in her faculty office at Lone Mountain, the one she suspects is by Ivan Aivazovsky, one of the most brilliant seascape painters of all time.

How far will the Russian art thieves go to find the missing Aivazovsky painting which is worth upwards of $5 million? Will Bill be able to keep Sophie and Zhora safe until the thieves are apprehended?

Character Descriptions:

SOPHIE WOLF

Dr. Sophie Wolf is art history professor, living in U. S. and abiding by witness protection rules after defecting from Russia. Her purpose is to keep her father and herself safe from the FSB, who doggedly search for them.

When Falisa’s murder and the theft of her Old Russian Masters threatens to expose Sophie and Zhora to public scrutiny, putting them in jeopardy of being discovered by FSB, Sophie determines to find and bring to justice the killer/art thieves. During her investigation, she learns that a group calling themselves The Immortal Movement stole Old Russian Masters from under Lenin’s nose during the Bolshevik Revolution to keep them from being sold out of the country. She suspects that Falisa’s killer is after the Immortal Movement’s paintings.

Smart, daring, and caring, Sophie will take any risk necessary to find out who murdered Falisa and stole her paintings, including travel to Russia and work for the Tretyakov Gallery. Every step she takes jeopardizes her witness protection cover.

BILL HILLMAN

Bill Hillman is an FBI Agent working Russian organized crime and using Sophie’s father, Zhora ,as a paid informant. When Zhora is critically injured and Falisa is murdered by Russian villains, caring, smart, and daring Bill’s, purpose changes to protecting Zhora and Sophie, not only from Falisa’s murderer, but also from the FSB, hot on their heels.

Bill finds himself teaming up with Sophie to bring the villain(s) to justice. With every step he takes with Sophie to Russia, posing as an Interpol instructor, the more likely he is to be exposed as FBI and cause an international incident between the U. S. and Russia. Every step he takes with Sophie brings them closer together.

VITALY BURUNDUKOV

Vitaly Burundukov, a descendant of a Russian noble family, robbed and killed during the Bolshevik Revolution, is a Russian Oligarch with only one purpose, to get back what was stolen from him and his family. Ruthless, reckless, and bold, he is willing to commit the most heinous of crimes. From the beginning, he intends to kill Sophie to cover his tracks.

Determined to find and seize Old Russian Masters that were stolen and kept safe by the Immortal Movement, he underestimates Sophie Wolf’s determination to stay alive and to get to the Immortal Movement Paintings before he does.

Episode Descriptions:

Episode 1: The Russians Are Here

Zhora and Falisa are gunned down by Russians in front of Falisa’s house. Zhora is transported to a hospital and Falisa to a morgue. At the hospital, Sophie learns that Zhora is not really a Russian translator. He’s actually an organized Russian crime informant for FBI Agent Bill Hillman. Bill knows that Zhora and Sophie are in witness protection and promises to protect them.

Arriving home from the hospital, Sophie finds she’s not alone in her apartment. She calls Bill, but he doesn’t answer. Will she survive?

Episode 2: The Russians are Art Thieves

In the dark, Sophie moves up the stairs and into the kitchen. As she turns on the light she collides with one of the intruders trying to escape. He turns. She sees his face. Bill arrives at Sophie’s apartment as the intruders are getting away. A search of the apartment convinces Bill the intruders are not FSB and Sophie that the intruders are art thieves after Falisa’s painting, an Ivan Aivazovsky original in Sophie’s possession.

To verify the Russians are art thieves, Bill and Sophie go to Falisa’s house and investigate. All the while, they fear being discovered by the police, who still have the house cordoned off by crime scene tape. Will they be able to avoid the police?

Episode 3: An Art Thief’s Diary

Reading the diary, Sophie finds out that the Aivazovsky she has in her office was stolen from a Russian estate called Moorhen Park in 1919. She tries to obtain the original owner’s name online, but it’s not available to her unless she goes to the Russian Archives in person. That would mean going to Moscow. That would mean breaking the rules of witness protection.

Sophie draws a picture of her house intruder shortly before he kidnaps her asking for the Aivazovsky painting as ransom. Will she lose the last of Falisa’s paintings? Will she survive?

Episode 4: An Art Thief’s Confession

As a kidnap victim, Sophie manages to keep her head until Bill comes to the rescue. He apprehends the art thief and obtains a confession from him, which suggests he’s a small fry in the scheme of things. Someone much more dangerous than he is pulling the strings.

Sophie and Bill attend a reception to kick off an exhibition of Russian paintings. Bill suspects the art thief may be among the guests, either as a donor or as someone looking for the missing Aivazovsky painting.

While at the reception, Sophie meets Leonid, the Director of the Tretyakov Gallery in Moscow. On donor Vitaly Burundukov’s recommendation, Leonid offers Sophie a summer job at the Tretyakov. If she accepts the job, she will be breaking the rules of witness protection and putting herself at risk of being discovered by FSB. Then again, if she goes, she may be able to find the rightful owner of the Aivazovsky painting and step back out of the public view.

Episode 5: Sophie’s Bodyguard

Sophie goes to Moscow and acquires a tail the moment she lands at Domodedovo Airport. Is he FSB? One of the art thieves? She doesn’t know.

In Moscow, Sophie visits the Russian Archives and finds out the name of the owner of Moorhen Park in 1919. She visits Moorhen Park and meets Logan Johnson, a descendant of the noble family who owned the estate in 1919. They compare notes. Is he the rightful owner of the Aivazovsky painting? Time will tell.

On her way back to her hotel, she gets a flat tire. The tail, Maxim, stops to help her. When she confronts him about his following her, he tells her he is paid by Vitaly Burundukov to keep her safe. Is she safe? Seeing his gun in a holster under his jacket, she doesn’t feel safe. Or does Maxim have another agenda?

Episode 6: Kolya Holender’s Diary is Stolen

Sophie visits Falisa’s mother-in-law, Irina, who turns out to be the daughter of Kolya Holender, the writer of the 1919 diary. Irina wants the Aivazovsky painting returned to her.

When the taxi doesn’t arrive outside Irina’s hotel, Sophie is forced to ask Maxim for a ride back to the hotel. At the hotel’s front desk, Sophie picks up her laptop bag and finds out that someone has tampered with it. Then she finds her hotel room ajar. Someone has broken in.

Bill examines her laptop and discovers that someone has accessed the digital version of Kolya Holender’s diary. The art thief now knows the history of the Immortal Movement. Does the art thief know what he has in the diary. Or are Sophie and Bill suddenly a step behind?

Episode 7: The Immortal Movement Paintings Come to Light

At work at the Tretyakov Gallery, Sophie meets Arseny who asks her to come to his home and authenticate and appraise his paintings. There, she finds the paintings described in the 1919 diary. Who is Arseny? How did he acquire Immortal Movement paintings?

While she is in Arseny’s home, gunmen break in, kill Arseny, shoot Sophie, and steal the Immortal Movement Collection.

Maxim finds her bleeding and unconscious body and calls for an ambulance.

Episode 8: Sophie Finds the Immortal Movement Collection

Thought to have died of her gunshot wounds, Sophie secretly returns to the U. S. There she discovers her best friend Olivia has been having an affair with Vitaly Burundukov and that the affair has led her to assist Vitaly to smuggle stolen paintings from Russia into the U. S. Sophie forces Olivia to tell her where Vitaly is hiding the paintings.

At the gallery where Vitaly Burundukov’s smuggled paintings are on display, Sophie finds the Immortal Movement Collection among them. Vitaly tries to kill Sophie before she can talk, but she gets the upper hand and dispatches him.

Meanwhile, an FSB operative compares Sophie’s photograph to that of Sophie’s estranged mother, Yelena, and finds a striking resemblance.

Five Seasons Descriptions

Season 1 Title: Hidden Hoard

A. High Concept or major hook: Vanquishing the murderer and art thief without being exposed to the FSB.

B. Big Picture Arc/Journey: From risk averse art professor to globetrotting art theft investigator.

C. Main Conflict: Following the trail of a killer/art thief while keeping out of the public eye.

D. Mystery/Open Loops: Will Sophie be recognized and killed by FSB?

E. Cliffhanger: Sophie experiences a freedom that she hasn’t felt since she was a child. More daring now, she’s eager to go boldly out into the world .

Season 2 Title: The Holy Grail

A. High Concept or major hook of the season: While on vacation in Rome, Sophie thwarts a terrorist attempt to capture The Holy Grail on tour at St. Peters Cathedral in the Vatican.

B. Big Picture Arc/Journey: From being a San Francisco researcher/teaching professor to saving The Holy Grail from terrorists.

C. Main Conflict: Negotiating with terrorists without being killed; without being recognized by FSB, still hot on her trail.

D. Mystery/Open Loops: Will Sophie’s newly earned reputation for outfoxing terrorists expose her to the FSB?

E. Cliffhanger: Sophie decides to shop her art expertise out to law enforcement to recover stolen masterpieces.

Season 3: The Forgery

A. High Concept or major hook of the season: On a visit to an art exhibition at Oxford University in England, Sophie suspects the most valuable painting displayed is a fraud.

B. Big Picture Arc/Journey: She goes from being a successful negotiator to being a fraud detector.

C. Main Conflict: Someone at Oxford is a thief and a forger and will do anything to stop Sophie from finding out the truth.

D. Cliffhanger: Sophie sets a trap for an art forger.

Season 4: The Restoration

A. High Concept or major hook of the season: After agreeing to restore a wealthy family’s family portrait, Sophie discovers an Old Master underneath.

B. Big Picture Arc/Journey: She goes from being an art restorer to being a finder of a lost masterpiece.

C. Main Conflict: Someone in the family is a thief.

D. Mystery/Open Loops: Will her notoriety for finding the lost master lead her into the hands of the FSB?

E. Cliffhanger: Sophie is targeted by an art thief.

Season 5: The Trap

A. High Concept or major hook of the season: Sophie is asked by an insurance company to authenticate and appraise an Old Master, but it’s a trap set by FSB.

B. Big Picture Arc/Journey: Sophie goes from moving freely about the world to being trapped and taken prisoner by the FSB.

C. Main Conflict: Negotiating and fighting her way out of captivity.

D. Mystery/Open Loops: Will Sophie be killed by FSB?

E. Cliffhanger: Sophie turns the tables on the FSB.

[Eric Humble]

Eric Humble Presents Non-Stop Intrigue!

Sorry for the delay in posting — I’ve been slowed in my progress by the holidays and everyone in my family (including me) catching the flu. But I decided to empower myself and post what I have so that I can move forward with the class. For the moment, I was only able to apply this assignment to one of my two projects, so I’ll be playing catch-up with the second as well as continuing to work on elevating this one as I go. That said, this was a great exercise to add intrigue to the bible. I only got to apply it to the summary and the five seasons sections, but both really stand out now. I was amazed at how much more intriguing I was able to make material that was already loaded with intrigue from the BW Framework. I’m looking forward to working with every sentence in this and my second pitch bible and seeing how much more I can elevate them both.

Concept 1 Title:

One Hour Thriller

Concept: A cancer researcher uncovers a conspiracy to eradicate a race of immortals whose DNA holds the key to curing cancer, changing from company man to warrior as he infiltrates a centuries-old cabal intent on controlling disease to shape human history.

World: The Big Business of healthcare… and the shadowy global conspiracy behind it. High-powered Pharma execs in the present day and “medicine men” throughout history controlling cures and illnesses to shape civilization.

Show Summary:

Life is good for Jude. He’s a celebrated cancer researcher who studies ancient remains for possible cures. He lives a comfortable life as a pharmaceutical company man and is in a loving marriage with Catherine. Until she’s diagnosed with inoperable cancer.

Obsessed with solving the unsolvable, Jude pushes his research to the limit… but there it is. The cure for cancer! It would be easy if the key lay in the genetic code of an ancient skeleton. But the DNA belongs to Dres, a con artist who dwells in the city’s seedy underbelly. Jude’s search for Dres leads him into some dangerous corners…

…but none as dangerous as the secret army of assassins trying to kill her.

He thwarts an assassination attempt. It would be a purely heroic act… if he didn’t inadvertently kill the assassin in the process. And Dres is only grateful enough to help him dispose of the body. She’s gone, unfindable, and with her goes the key to developing a cure.

But maybe there’s another lead: in testing the dead man’s DNA, he finds a connection to a Big Pharma corporation that has been courting him to work for them. Jude infiltrates the company – which reaps billions off the “business of cancer” – and discovers it masks an esoteric cabal dedicated to eradicating people of certain genetic lineages… people who have walked the earth for centuries. People like Dres.

Jude has stumbled into an age-old war – between a race of immortals with healing powers… and the powerful people intent on using disease to shape the course of human history. And the only reason Jude is alive is because they want him to help track down these people using his genetic research.

But this cabal murdered Dres’s immortal mother half a century ago… and now that she’s got a line on them, she wants Jude’s help to get revenge. Taking on a cabal that has toppled empires is a risky play, and Jude needs to keep her safe long enough to cure the world or, at least, his wife.

But what he doesn’t know is, Catherine is also an immortal. She shouldn’t be able to get sick, so why is she dying? And why does the cabal insist that that makes her more dangerous alive than dead?

Character Descriptions

Jude

Jude is an esteemed cancer researcher who specializes in studying the DNA of ancient remains to search for a cure… whose wife has just been diagnosed with inoperable cancer. Luckily, the cure is within his grasp. Unluckily, the key to synthesizing it lies in the DNA of Dres, who is being targeted by a powerful, mysterious cabal of assassins.

When Jude and Dres kill one of her attackers, he’s complicit in murder… and becomes a target himself. All his scientific brilliance can’t make up for a lack of street-smarts in Dres’s world of con artists and criminals. His only chance to develop the cure and protect Dres, is to infiltrate the cabal… which requires him to destroy his research… including the cure. If Jude is going to keep his loved ones safe and create a cure that will alter history, he’ll have to learn to fight… like the long line of warriors throughout history he discovers have stood in this very place against this very cabal!

Dres

Dres enjoys conning greedy corporate execs before disappearing back off-grid in the seedy underbelly of the city. She knows something in her blood has curative properties, but she isn’t interested in letting the world know it, because it has made her a target of the cabal… for over 100 years. Dres is an immortal, who will live forever under natural conditions – or die just like her mother from an assassin’s bullet.

But she refuses to live like a hunted animal, as all of her kind have for millennia. Fueled by vengeance, Dres has been plotting for decades to get inside the cabal and kill them all. She’s killed dozens of their footsoldiers over the years, but has been unable to work her way up the ladder. But Jude may be her ticket inside. For him to help her, she’ll have to give him more samples of her blood… but like all immortals, the longer she lives, the more distantly she views human relationships, like mere blips on a timeline, and she doesn’t trust any of them… including Jude. The temptation to con Jude, turn him over to the cabal, or just kill him at the end of their gambit may be too great… unless she can get a hold on her humanity in the process.

Marks

Marks is a powerful Big Pharma CEO whose decisions can rock the stock market… in his public life. Behind closed doors, he’s a cabal member in charge of the East Coast, tasked with finding and exterminating immortals who enter his region. He arranged the hit on Dres, and he’s in hot water now that it failed. The Cabal Leader, his mentor and father-figure, is hinting he’s put a hit out on him. The cabal leader in charge of Western Europe is gunning for Marks’s job… and appears to be gaining the favor of the Cabal Leader.

Marks’s daughter has MS… and he is convinced the immortals can cure more than cancer, if only the Cabal Leader would allow him to look in the forbidden archives. As he scours the East Coast for Dres, he courts Jude to work for the company… so he can seize his proprietary DNA tracking process. He also seduces a Big Tech CEO—who is Dres, working her plan to get into his organization! But he’s letting these two wolves into the henhouse for a specific purpose… to stage a mutiny and take over the cabal once and for all! As long as he can avoid being executed first…

Catherine

Catherine is Jude’s wife, a crusading lawyer taking on Big Pharma… and her sudden terminal diagnosis is hitting her as hard as the cancer itself. Because, unbeknownst even to Jude, she is an immortal, the oldest on record – 200 years old.

She isn’t supposed to be able to get sick. And the only person with the resources to find out what’s wrong with her is Marks. Her love for Jude is the thing keeping her anchored to her humanity, rather than seeing life from a cold, distant, macro viewpoint… but that relationship is in jeopardy now because of her secret. Because not only is she immortal…

… she’s also the former head assassin for the cabal. She killed Dres’s mother. Even if she can find out why she’s dying, the only one who can cure her wants nothing but to put a bullet in her head.

Season One Episodes:

Episode 1:

Jude is a cancer researcher, celebrated for his work studying the DNA of ancient remains in search of cures. He lives a life of comfort, and is being courted by Marks, the CEO of a Big Pharma company… until the unthinkable happens: his wife is diagnosed with inoperable cancer. Obsessed by solving the unsolvable, Jude refuses to accept the diagnosis and pushes his genetic research to its limits. Jude discovers the final element to a cure for cancer. It’s embedded in the DNA of a blood sample donated by a woman named Dres.

He tracks her down to obtain a sample big enough to develop a mass quantity of the cure… when a sniper tries to kill her! Jude gives chase, but in the ensuing struggle, he and Dres kill the sniper. Luckily, Dres knows how to cover their tracks… because she’s already killed 46 other assassins hunting her over the years. After destroying the evidence, she ducks out on him and is lost in the big city. Jude can’t shake the feeling he’s being shadowed everywhere he goes… when he is called back to find his lab destroyed in an “accident” – which has killed the lab assistant who originally discovered the blood sample.

Marks presents to a shadowy room of seated, well-dressed figures… the cabal–the DNA system will be theirs… then they’ll have no trouble tracking the girl.

Episode 2:

It turns out that Dres is not only homeless but a con woman who dwells around the seedy underbelly of the city… and Jude has to find her. His search takes him through some dangerous places where he sticks out as a target… and not just by the denizens of these parts. People are following him. Jude has taken a DNA sample of the assassin he and Dres killed and runs it through his system – it comes up as belonging to a 90 year old man! A former pharma exec supposedly on retirement in a remote cabin in the mountains. Jude goes to the cabin to investigate and discovers a strange symbol… but the cabin is booby-trapped! He barely makes it out alive.

He researches the symbol and uncovers fringe theories on the dark web about a cabal, lurking in the top echelons of power, shaping history. Arriving back home, he discovers someone has been in his home… and has stolen the last remaining backup drive containing all his research.

The cabal is tracking Catherine, too!

Episode 3:

Whoever his pursuers are, they found Dres once – so if Jude can find who they are, he can use them to find her again. He meets with some crazed conspiracy theorists who lead him in the direction of Marks’s Big Pharma company. Now without a lab, Jude takes Marks up on his offer so that he can infiltrate the cabal.

But Marks stands against everything he works for – he sees medicine as a product to be sold, not a right. Jude finds that he’s boxed in – Marks is suppressing his research… doesn’t want the cure on the market. His solution – get Marks’s job, whatever it takes.

He tries using the assassin’s DNA to access the company’s computer system – only to confront a security question he doesn’t know the answer to… which instantly sets off alarms. He doesn’t get any information… but the assassin definitely has some connection to this company.

Catherine approaches Marks—needs his help to find out why she’s sick.

Episode 4:

Jude provokes the cabal by casually referencing the arcane symbol in an address at a conference. He is later contacted anonymously – with a request/threat to prove his intentions. He arrives at the meet in a park after dark… where the drive containing all his research is waiting in a package. He’s instructed to destroy it. He must submit himself to the cabal in order to know what they know… so he does as ordered… only to receive no response from the darkness.

He scuttles his research, and his reputation takes a huge hit as the conference closes…only for the cabal to nearly crash his plane on the way home as a warning. Stop looking for them and the girl and he’ll be allowed to continue working and maybe someday regain his stature.

He comes home to a message from Dres – as thanks for saving her, she gives him the answer to the security question he failed at the company’s computer system.

Catherine kills a bunch of assassins – criticizing their tactics. She wrote the book they use to train one another. She is a former cabal assassin.

Episode 5:

Jude tries to access the Big Pharma computer system again and gets past the security question – but before he can get any intel, Marks catches him. But before building security can get to him, the cabal assassins swarm in and drag Jude, bound and blindfolded, to a meeting – where the wizened, sinister Cabal Leader interrogates him on why he’s trying to access their group.

As Jude looks around their masked faces, he’s triggered – because they’re just like a faceless masked group that drove his brother to suicide in his youth… whom he was never able to unmask. At the Cabal Leader’s order, he’s marched to an empty field, a gun is placed against his head… when the assassins are knocked unconscious. By Dres! She smuggles him to safety.

Episode 6:

Dres helps Jude get off-grid. Teaches him her mastery of deceit how to survive from people like this. But he still needs her cooperation to test her blood. After getting him set up with falsified documents, she disappears on him again. He secures passage out of the country…

…but returns home to find Catherine unconscious and needing the hospital. He refuses to accept that she has cancer, and hides from her that this is the diagnosis. Then, as he’s dozing in the hospital, a message on his phone from the cabal: a car is waiting for him outside. This is his only chance – “if you get in the car right now, you’re in.” He does so…

Dres is conning Jude… and keeping open the possibility of killing him when she’s done.

Episode 7:

Jude will be let into the cabal… if he passes the initiation rite. But the esoteric ceremony is interrupted by an FBI raid! Jude is hauled into a crime scene: Dres’s body is lying on the floor of a seedy bar, shot dead. They know she got him false papers and he was the last to see her alive. Unless he rats on the cabal, he’ll take the rap for her murder. Jude is devastated – he must have led the cabal to her. It’s his fault she died. Still, he chooses to keep silent about the cabal. He’s thrown in jail to await his trial…

…when it’s revealed that it was all fake—a test, which he passed. He’s now a member of the cabal.

Catherine and Dres meet at the museum–they know each other… reminisce about Italy… and we see they’re both depicted in the hundred-year-old painting. Catherine and Dres’s mother, with infant Dres in a carriage. Catherine is an immortal, too! How could they be in a 100-year-old painting?

Episode 8:

The cabal tracks Dres down and assassinates her for real! Except it isn’t her, it’s her con artist partner. Dres finds the body, is spooked enough to return to Jude. Wants to combine forces to take the cabal down. In return, she’ll let him test her blood and finish developing the cure. But Jude can’t work in the company’s lab until or unless his job is reinstated. He guides Dres to con Marks in order to access the lab. It’s a long game, but once she gets in, he’s got all his research in his head and can walk her through synthesizing the cure for Catherine.

Meanwhile, he’s given his first assignment by the cabal—use his expertise to test the DNA on two ancient, fossilized bodies… and use their database to trace the genetic lines and find their ancestors living in the world now. His results are baffling – there have only been three generations between these ancient ones and today. When he locates the present day descendent of one, he tries to warn the guy… but the cabal has already gotten there. They kill the man, only for the body to release a gas that gets the cabal assassins sick. They throw the whole scene under quarantine and rush Jude out. In the chaos of the moment, he finds a photo of Dres that’s almost 100 years old.

Episode 9:

Jude has to locate the descendent of the second ancient body… as the Cabal Leader reveals to him the existence of immortals who have walked among humans since the beginning of time. Jude has his eyes opened to a world beyond science. But the Cabal Leader won’t reveal to him their mission or the reason they’re hunting these immortals, not until he succeeds in his first assignment.

Meanwhile, he uses the assignment to acquire some lightly irradiated materials, part of his plan with Dres to slip them into the cabal’s water at their next meeting so Jude and Dres can bring in the authorities and identify them… but Marks doesn’t trust him as much as the Cabal Leader does, and has his eyes on him. But Jude’s research is hitting close to home as he zeroes in on the target’s history and whereabouts… because the ancient corpse’s ancestor, two hundred years old, is his wife, Catherine.

Catherine killed Dres’s mother!

Episode 10:

Jude discovers the cabal’s secret: they’ve known about the immortals curing cancer for 100 years – and have been systematically exterminating them to keep the business of cancer in the red. He allows Marks to indoctrinate him in order to plant the radioactive materials in the water supply… but Marks dangles an impossible choice before him: work for us and if we’re satisfied, we’ll give you the cure for Catherine. Step out of line, and both of you die. He finds himself conflicted – and tempted by the wealth Marks offers him. Does he follow through for Dres or remain the “company man” he always was–just for a more sinister “company?”

Jude chooses to slip the tracker to the cabal members before the meeting, but must do so without being caught… all the while talking Dres through synthesizing the cure back at the Big Pharma lab. He’s about to slip them the tracker… when Marks stages a mutiny and takes over. And reveals that Jude’s tracking plan won’t work – the cabal is global. This is just the local US Chapter. And Jude is at their mercy.

Five Seasons Descriptions:

Season One:

Yesterday, he was just an esteemed cancer research specialist. Today, he’s a target–and the ones chasing him are everywhere. Jude enjoys a comfortable life reaping the benefits of “the cancer business”… until his wife Catherine contracts inoperable cancer. But Jude has stumbled onto something that may finally provide a cure – in a blood sample from Dres, a homeless con artist. Only problem: someone’s trying to kill Dres – and now Jude as well. If it were just an assassin, they might stand a chance. But what if it’s a secret cabal operating at the highest echelons of the healthcare industry? If he infiltrates the cabal, he can find out what their purpose is, but that will pit him against Marks, a dangerous, powerful CEO and cabal member.

Why would healthcare professionals want to hunt a woman who holds the cure for cancer in her DNA? Maybe because the cancer business is a cash cow. Jude finds this appalling enough, but he isn’t prepared for the full truth: Dres is a 100-year-old immortal, and the cabal has been hunting her people for millennia to suppress all sorts of cures.

And unbeknownst to anyone, Catherine is also an immortal. Immortals aren’t supposed to get sick, yet here she is, dying of cancer… and seeking answers only the cabal can give her. But she used to be their top assassin. Will Marks welcome her back, or use her to kill Jude and Dres?

Season Two:

Jude has made it into the cabal’s inner circle, where its secrets involving Dres will be revealed. But will Marks give up the leverage of that secret knowledge? Not while he has the upper hand – because he has Catherine in captivity. Marks can’t let him go with what he knows… but he can’t afford to kill him either. So he sentences Jude and Catherine to the same hell: the brutal assassins’ training program. Can Catherine train Jude to follow in her footsteps? As he undergoes an inhumane regimen, he’s inching closer to the knowledge that Catherine killed Dres’s mother. Who will he stand by, the woman he loved once he learns the monster she once was, or will he stand by the woman he vowed to protect?

Maybe it won’t matter… because he’s becoming indoctrinated to the cabal’s purpose: whoever controls sickness and cures controls history. Finally, Jude is ready to be released into the field… as the cabal’s best-trained assassin. It turns out there are more immortals across the globe that need to be killed… because, he discovers, they only cure diseases for 200 years. After that, they become plague carriers. And this is what’s behind Catherine’s illness. She’s a danger to humanity if she stays alive much longer.

Season Three:

It’s a secret war, playing out in seedy backalleys and abandoned buildings across Europe and Asia. Jude is now the top assassin in the field – but has he truly given up on curing Catherine? Catherine is getting sicker – with more than cancer. She’s carrying a mutated germ that will explode into an unstoppable pandemic unless Jude can cure her… or at least contain her. To do that, he’ll need Dres’s help. But Dres has finally learned that Catherine is the one who killed her mother.

The only thing stopping her from killing them both is Jude’s promise to unmask the head of the global cabal, the one pulling all the strings…

…who turns out to be Dres’s mother! Long thought dead, she’s actually been using the cabal to take out her immortal peers and clear the field for her ultimate plan: unleashing the pandemic which will kill humans while leaving immortals untouched. Too bad Jude just embraced his role in this conflict, because he’s fighting for the wrong side after all! And it’s too late, Catherine has already exposed a handful of people to the disease. The pandemic will spread. Humanity will be lost.

Season Four:

Immortality can be dangerous – if you live long enough, won’t you view mortal lives as mere blips on a timeline? Dres’s mother has a simple plan: kill humanity and the immortals emerge as Earth’s stewards, free of pettiness and corruption. Dres reasons with her, as daughter-to-mother. But her mother has spent centuries building this plan, and it’s just coming to fruition. Is she really going to scrap that just because her daughter asked?

Jude is worried she’s too powerful and well-protected to kill. To take on a murderous cabal, he’ll need a cabal of his own. He assembles assembles a ragtag group of mortals and immortals… His surprising ally is Marks, who helps establish a base on Antarctica to keep Catherine – and the pandemic – contained. They might be enough to stand against Dres’s mother… but he doesn’t trust Marks, or any of the people Marks has brought onboard.

Dres’s mother brings her full forces to the continent and declares open warfare. If only Jude’s meager forces were ready… and not starting to succumb to the plague…

Season Five:

It’s war at the icy bottom of the world – will the immortals destroy humanity or vice versa? Jude’s group is waylaid as the disease takes hold, with only Dres and a few immortal allies unaffected. Luckily, he’s still a brilliant medical researcher and he discovers a cure. The bad news? He needs Dres’s mother’s DNA. Dres could be ideal for the mission. Except to get the DNA, she’ll have to kill her own mother, whose “death” she has been grieving for decades.

Maybe Dres sides with humanity… then again, she’s a lifelong con artist who has preyed on innocent people for years. Can Jude trust her to carry out the mission? And why is Marks establishing a safe haven for immortals on Antarctica? It’s possible he’s really changed his tune, but his new organization is giving him all the power… and resembles the original cabal a little too much.

Meanwhile, there’s a new immortal out there, old enough to be carrying the next plague. And he’s got his eyes on the colony out in the ice. What will be his next move? Will Jude’s small army be ready to take him on if it comes to that?

[George Petersen]

George Petersen – Presents Non-Stop Intrigue

What I learned from this assignment is you can’t have too much intrigue in your Bible.

TITLE: THE ART OF SECRECY

GENRE: Thriller

CONCEPT:

Kate Warne — the first female detective — young, inexperienced, idealistic and recently widowed, tasked with delivering President-Elect Lincoln safely to his inauguration, discovers her true grit as she struggles to create an impenetrable veil of secrecy around the President, while a secret society and bloodthirsty street gangs compete to assassinate him as he passes through Mobtown.

WORLD:

The treacherous, traitorous underworld that gives birth to the Confederacy, seen through the eyes of Union spies, who risk being strung up by a bloodthirsty, rebel mob in order to save the President.

SUMMARY:

“In 1835, the would-be assassin of Andrew Jackson was declared insane. It was a fluke, not to be taken seriously. Assassination, that is. And so, as 1861 unfolds, no American President had ever been assassinated. Assassinations were a thing in Europe, but not here, in America. No president had protection of any kind. They all walked the streets of Washington alone, unescorted. And no American President ever resisted protection more fiercely than Abraham Lincoln. But Baltimore was in turmoil with Southern sympathizers agitating for rebellion. And Lincoln was scheduled to pass through the city — unprotected.”

— Alan Pinkerton

It was in this powder keg environment that detectives Kate Warne and Alan Pinkerton found themselves. The rumors spreading through Baltimore of an assassination plot… were they true? Imagine Pinkerton’s surprise when Kate tells him that his barber, the one he pumps information from as he gets his beard trimmed, is the ringleader. Is everything he knows misinformation? Now it so happens that this ringleader, Ferrandini the barber, is quite taken with Miss Dixie, an attractive young Southern socialite new to the city. He loves the way she dresses in a long, flowing dress covered with Confederate flags with an umbrella to match, and the way she facetiously pleads with him to bring her Lincoln’s heart after the assassination. As his fondness for her grows, a date is set for her induction into the Wives’ Club of the Knights of the Golden Circle, but, on her insistence, it will be the day after the assassination, thereby making for a double celebration. Of course, that day will never come because, as Kate, accomplished Union spy, she will be busy finding a way to get Lincoln through Baltimore in one piece. Of course, her greatest obstacle won’t be the gangs. It won’t be the KGC. It will be Lincoln himself.

CHARACTERS:

KATE WARNE

Young, beautiful, haunted by the loss of her husband, all of twenty-eight, I think, she didn’t deserve what happened to her. Who expects to lose a husband at that age? Now a widow of limited means, you’d expect her to take her place in a little corner of life. That’s what Pinkerton thought: cheap clerical help. But she wasn’t answering the ad for clerical help — she was answering the ad for a detective. Woman detective? Really? Kate’s point was that women could go places men couldn’t go. They could “worm” their way into relationships, become confidants of the wives of criminals, find out where the money was buried before men could. And so, the first woman detective was born. As well as a race with Pinkerton to be the first to discover the details of the plot to assassinate the President as he passes through Baltimore. When she tells Pinkerton that she agreed to be initiated into the Wives’ Club of the KGC, he explodes in anger. Doesn’t she realize the danger she’s putting herself in? Better walk that wire carefully, “Miss Dixie,” firecracker Southern Belle socialite.

CYPRIANO FERRANDINI

Is this man handsome, or what? He’s got those long black curly locks, pushed back behind his ears with that new oil they use. And the black mustache, against that pale white complexion. You’d think he’s a man of the theater. He’s got that little shop in the best hotel, the center of social life in Baltimore. And as the city’s gentleman’s barber, he’s privy to the city’s dark secrets, talk as men do while their hair is being trimmed. There would be nothing stopping him from becoming the hero to the Confederacy that he so desperately wants to be, if it weren’t for the buffoons in the KGC and the trigger-happy leaders of the street gangs. How could people be so stupid? We’re supposed to do this secretly, you know. If people don’t start listening to him a lot of people are going to be arrested. Even hung. People better start organizing and listening to him. It takes a military man to get things done. Someone not afraid to do what’s necessary, someone driven by revenge for the loss of his friends while fighting with the fascists in Italy. He’s the best barber in town, no better man with a razor, but if he finds out you’re a Yankee spy, he won’t hesitate to slit your throat.

ALAN PINKERTON

The art of secrecy. That’s what makes Pinkerton tick. Secrecy isn’t just a tool, it’s an art. To be an effective detective means being on top of a lot of things: like an actor on stage, a costume designer, a makeup artist, a linguist. And then there is the art of the operation itself: who walks in, when, and who walks out, where. Entrances and exits. Don’t blow your lines. Live the part. And live it he does. As Hutchinson, the exclusive stockbroker, in on the best deals, happy to buy drinks all round, happy to pay out big dividends to Southern gentlemen who trust him, a stalwart of the Confederacy. This homesick penny-pincher could never spend that kind of money in real life. Pinkerton’s a living contradiction: never more himself when he’s busy being someone else.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN

For those who don’t know him personally, Abraham Lincoln is a president-elect who is revered as a nice guy, a rail splitter, a man who is good with his hands. But for us, he is the most savvy of politicians, a man you don’t want to cross, for fear you might end up in a ditch — politically speaking, that is. Most people know him as the grand storyteller, the man who gets people laughing, but we know him as a deeply melancholic man, a man who seems to take on other people’s suffering as his own. He’s extremely intelligent, always thinking, nothing gets past him; he doesn’t talk a lot, but his eyes are always scanning for information — like a shark. He’s not a military man, a man of guns and things like that, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t know how to handle a weapon. His weapon, you see, are words. First comes that stare, that piercing stare, and then the words, the words that can cut and slice you to pieces. Remember, whatever you do, don’t cross him politically. Don’t let his nice guy manners and his infectious laugh get to you. I’m not here to prevent you from doing what you want, but don’t say I didn’t warn you if you find yourself waking up in a ditch.

EPISODES:

Episode 1: THE RED BALLOT

Kate Warne — young, beautiful, and recently widowed — needs a job. Acting suited her. They called her a chameleon, as she could melt into her roles, undergo a metamorphosis of sorts. She loved acting and all that came with it, but now, with her husband gone, she needed to pay the bills, be self-sufficient, an independent woman. She was before her time. She answers an ad in the classifieds. Alan Pinkerton quickly informs her that he has no need for additional secretarial help, but she corrects him: she is applying for the detective job. At first, Pinkerton thinks she is a little nuts, as there has never been a woman detective before. But she convinces him that a woman can go places a man could never go, discover secrets that would never be revealed to a man. Despite the risks (if a female employee were harmed at the tender age of twenty-eight, it could ruin his reputation) he hires her, and so begins the saga of the first woman detective.

Pinkerton puts Kate on the team of detectives going to Baltimore, a city whose response to a flood of immigrants has been to create competing street gangs in each voting district, a response which has earned it the nickname, Mobtown. The team’s original objective is to investigate a rumor that Southern sympathizers are planning to burn the rail bridges around the city in order to prevent Yankee troops from passing through on their way to Washington. When Kate informs Pinkerton that his informant, Captain Ferrandini of the Mobtown militia, is the actual ringleader of a plot to assassinate President Lincoln, it turns the whole investigation upside down.

Kate helps Pinkerton get initiated into the Knights of the Golden Circle (KGC,) a secret society devoted to the expansion of slavery, where he learns that its leader, Ferrandini, has organized a secret drawing: the Knight who draws the red ballot will be the one who will have the privilege of assassinating President Lincoln. His identity will never be revealed to anyone, even fellow Knights, and a fired up steamer will be waiting to whisk him away once the deed is accomplished. But, in an apparent effort to ensure success, Pinkerton learns that Ferrandini has surreptitiously planted eight red ballots instead of one. The winning Knights of the drawing: Mack of the Bloody Eights, Whit of the Plug Uglies, Clyde of the Blood Tubs, Jude of the Rip Raps, Gage of the American Rattlers, Rhett of the Black Snakes, Jack of the Butt Enders and Miles of the KGC.

Episode 2: A CITY IN CHAOS

The Presidential Train taking Lincoln from Springfield to Washington pulls to a stop in the middle of nowhere. That odd thing spotted on the tracks by the engineer turns out to be a makeshift bomb, set to go off when the train passes overhead. Who would do this and why? And why does Lincoln shrug it off?

Pinkerton preps Kate for being a Union spy with the ferocious Confederate Captain Ferrandini as the target.

Ferrandini counsels the gang members and the KGC on respect for the winner of the drawing. He alone will chose the method of assassination: gunshot or hanging or knifing or the bombing of rail bridges.

A nervous Kate spends the afternoon with Ferrandini, testing her theories about the advantages of being a woman detective for the first time. Will her acting talents enable her to discover some details about the assassination plot? Or will she slip up and be hung naked on Pratt Street?

Episode 3: THE GANGS OF BALTIMORE

At a clandestine meeting, rival gang members rebel against Ferrandini’s strong-arm tactics. They don’t want to be restricted. They all want to be part of Lincoln’s assassination. Ferrandini, a military man, pulls out all the stops to suppress mutiny. It’s not lost on Ferrandini that he as head of the rebellion in Baltimore must suppress the rebel gang leaders if the assassination plot is to succeed.

After spending a long evening alone with Ferrandini, Kate learns that he prefers the assassination to happen in a carriage transporting Lincoln from the northbound train station to the southbound train station. Here, the President will be most vulnerable as it has been arranged that no police force will be present at the moment of transfer. Kate finds herself conflicted: she finds herself both repelled and attracted to Ferrandini at the same time.

Kate and Pinkerton struggle to form a plan to convince the Presidential Party not to pass through Baltimore. But they know the plan will be rejected. If Lincoln doesn’t show up for his inaugural address, the South will be embolden. The Union could split right there.

Episode 4: GOING DEEPER

At a meeting with the gangs, Ferrandini concedes to expanding the assassination plot to include burning the rail bridges outside Baltimore to prevent Union troops from entering the city, an expected Yankee response to the planned assassination.

With time running out, Kate searches in vain for credible evidence that will sway the Presidential Party and Lincoln himself. She knows what’s going to happen. The question is: how can she convince skeptical Presidential Aids of the reality that simmers in Mobtown: an uncontrollable, wild energy that pervades the city and pushes it inexorably toward the irrational.

As Ferrandini’s fondness for Kate grows, a date is set for her initiation into the Wives Club of the KGC, but, on her insistence, it will be the day after the assassination, thereby making for a double celebration

When Kate tells Pinkerton she has told Ferrandini that she intends to join the Wives Club of the KGC, Pinkerton explodes, concerned for her safety. He points out the window at a straw dummy in a top hat burning in effigy down the street. One false move and she could end up like this.

Episode 5: WHERE’S KATE?

Pinkerton impresses upon Kate that the success of all their efforts comes down to whether or not she will be able to make contact with the Presidential Party as it passes through New York. She must go and forget Ferrandini and the KGC Wives’s Club initiation. Kate struggles with the idea of burning Ferrandini. When she doesn’t show up for the initiation ceremony, Ferrandini is alarmed and crushed. What’s happening? Something must be up. Ferrandini assembles his military team to go find out what’s going on.

Kate goes to New York City to see Norman B. Judd , the member of the Presidential Party who is Lincoln’s most trusted friend and advisor. If she can convince him, he will convince Lincoln. Only problem is: she has no conclusive evidence.

Will Kate be successful in convincing Judd to warn Lincoln and get him to change plans for traveling through Baltimore? Or will she be viewed as a typical hysterical female. If so, the President is surely doomed.

Episode 6: LEAVING HARRISBURG

Will Lincoln’s friend and bodyguard, Ward H. Lamon, sabotage all efforts to create an impenetrable veil of secrecy around the President?

Going crazy in Philadelphia, Kate finds her assertive side; she won’t back down in putting together the details of the plan.

But back in Harrisburg, will Pinkerton ever be able to convince Lincoln to change plans and get on the train in time?

Under a crushing deadline, Kate completes the arrangements for the train trip through Baltimore.

Discovering corroborating evidence, Lincoln finally agrees to leaving Harrisburg abruptly. But will he escape Mary’s wrath when she wakes up to find him gone?

Episode 7: UNDER COVER OF DARKNESS

Getting ready for the Presidential train, gang members tie explosives to the wooden beams of the rail bridges entering Baltimore.

When Lincoln finally accepts Kate’s plan to disguise him as her “sick” brother, she grows as a professional spy. She outsmarts the KGC on the train, using only her weapons of wit and beauty, never letting up on her job of keeping Lincoln safe as he passes through smoldering rebel territory.

As the horses pull the train car through the dark streets of Baltimore, will Lincoln make it through Baltimore alive?

Episode 8: WILL THEY ATTACK THE CAPITAL?

Upon hearing the news of Lincoln’s safe arrival in Washington, Baltimore becomes a powder keg of raw emotion.

Feeling bad, Kate goes back to Baltimore to find Ferrandini and explain herself, only to discover that he is married with two children.

Upon hearing the news that Union soldiers are due to pass through Baltimore on a train, the mob takes to the streets and erupts in violence, then sets out to burn the bridges.

With Washington the most vulnerable it has ever been since war with the British, Mary asks Lincoln the obvious question: Will the Baltimore mob go crazy, invade Washington and (gulp) attack the Capital? American citizens? Attacking the capital? That will never happen.

SEASONS:

SEASON 1 – THE RED BALLOT

Kate Warne gets the detective job with the Pinkerton Agency, making her the first woman detective. Pinkerton assigns her to the Mobtown team where she discovers that Pinkerton’s barber, Captain Ferrandini, is trying to merge a secret society devoted to the expansion of slavery with the competing gangs of Baltimore in order to form an formidable assassination plot directed at President Lincoln as he passes through Baltimore on his way to his inauguration. As an aspiring spy, Kate nervously endures herself to Captain Ferrandini and learns the details of the ensuing plot to kill the President.

Pinkerton assigns her to go to New York and engage Norman B. Judd in the hope that he will be able to get Lincoln to change his plans of traveling through Mobtown. Perhaps settle for the inauguration to take place in Philadelphia instead. But Lincoln will have none of it. He won’t be perceived as a coward, especially in this powder keg environment.

But corroborating evidence convinces Lincoln to accept Kate’s plan of him traveling incognito as her sick brother. Despite the danger, Kate gets him through Baltimore safely.

Upon the news that Lincoln is safe in Washington, Mobtown simmers. When news spreads that Lincoln has called for troops to come and protect Washington, the gangs riot and burn the bridges in order to stop the passage of the troops through Baltimore, the sole train route into Washington.

Gazing at the dark, menacing northern horizon, Mary asks Lincoln if the mobs will come to Washington and attack the capital.

SEASON 2 -THE WAR COMES

At first, being a Union spy didn’t seem all that different from being a detective, but when her partner is hunted down and hung for all to see, Kate decides to go deeper into Confederate social circles and get the intelligence Pinkerton needs to present to generals on the battlefield. But speed brings risks and one untrue move and the Confederate agents will string her up too. Battlefield victories, after all, are essential for Lincoln to win; otherwise, the Democrats will end the war with slavery still intact and all will be lost.

SEASON 3 – END OF DREAMS

When Kate first meets the captivating, Abrielle, she wastes no time recruiting her to be a Union spy. Baltimore is a rebel hotbed and Kate knows she will need someone young and vulnerable to help form enduring relationships with the wives of KGC members. All goes well until Abrielle attends a stage performance of Hamlet, showcasing the talents of a visiting KGC member, a celebrated Shakespearean actor by the name of Wilkes Booth. Kate must use her past experience with Ferrandini to help Abrielle break free from what’s happening to her. Or use the relationship to penetrate the KGC. Lincoln and Pinkerton clash over security issues when they meet in a battlefield tent. Pinkerton and Lamon, just like they did years ago, clash again over Lincoln’s lack of a modern security service. A few weeks later, Wilkes Booth assassinates Lincoln. Pinkerton goes into a deep depression; Kate struggles to help Abrielle understand that being a spy is dangerous, but also heartbreaking.

SEASON 4 – A NEW BEGINNING

Shaken by the experience of providing security for Lincoln’s funeral train as it meanders through mourning crowds on its way back to Springfield, Pinkerton considers letting go of the detective agency in Chicago. It seems like a lifetime ago that he helped Lincoln get from Springfield to Washington in a spirit of hope; now he helps him make the trip back home to Springfield in a spirit of despair. Kate and Abrielle give him a burst of optimism by opening a dynamic woman detective division. Working a bank fraud case, Kate and Abrielle become intrigued with a story about a lost gold shipment of the KGC. Pinkerton opposes the investigation, wanting to let go of any memories of the war. Will Kate and Abrielle discover the truth behind the story of the missing KGC shipment of gold?

SEASON 5 – HOME AT LAST

When people who knew Lincoln firsthand came to realize that there was money to be made in books and speaking engagements, Pinkerton’s reputation was viciously attacked, especially by Lamon. After all, Pinkerton alone knew the details of many crucial events of Lincoln’s secret passage through Mobtown. Kate helps him write a book detailing what really happened. When Kate becomes ill, she decides to take one last case. Abrielle makes a shocking discovery about the missing KGC gold shipment. After Kate dies, Pinkerton decides to have her buried in the family plot — the daughter he never had. He concludes his commentary: “And that’s how women became detectives in America.”

[Eloise Healey]

Eloise Healey Presents Non-Stop Intrigue!

Well, I hope I do…

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is another set of tools to assess any paragraph that doesn’t seem to be earning its keep. I also found it can be tempting to overwrite using these tools, and although they certainly pep-up any sentence, they always need to be leading to the next point, or provide a clear insight, rather than messy intrigue.

As a result of this exercise I tweaked a bunch of paragraphs but found most of them were actually doing a good job of set-up/pay-off as-is, which was encouraging!