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Nadine Weathersby -Max Interest Part 1 –
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that in each scene, I
must really look at the essence of what I’m trying to convey. Then when I’m clear on the essence I make my characters and dialog reflect that clear message.
INT. THE BASEMENT NIGHT CLUB – NIGHT MUSIC
Everyone’s loose and partying as Michael and the group finish
a super high-energy number.
INTERCUT AUDIENCE REACTIONS
Michael as he bows, then walks as he talks with the
microphone.
MICHAEL
Ah, ladies and gentlemen, you’re so
beautiful. And we thank you for
your appreciation. Tonight, we’d like
to add a little sugar and spice. We
have a special treat for you lovers
in da’ house. I’d like to share a
new song I’ve just
finished…Veronica, stand up.
Veronica stands. She is dressed eloquently. Michael gestures
for her.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
This is a special song for us. You
see we have been together since
childhood. We plan to be together
always.
Michael begins to sing to Veronica. She listens as she
stares deeply into his eyes. When its Veronica’s turn to
sing, the magic is most absorbing. The love they share for
each other has a radiating effect, and the intensity is
charismatic.
We SEE couples holding hands and making affectionate gestures
to one another. It’s crowed, but there are a few isolated
seats near the bar, which are usually the last taken because
of the view and heavy traffic.
Reverend Jasper Daniels enters and takes a seat in this
obscure part of the club. Michael and Veronica are so caught
up in their song, and into each other, they don’t see him.
When he sits down, a BUXOMLY WAITRESS leans over him in a
seductive manner.
36.
BUXOMLY WAITRESS
(chewing gum) What’ll it be pop?
He gazes directly into her cleavage, then into her face. He
stands, almost shrieking.
REV. JASPER
(mumbling under his
breath)
Jezebel.
He turns quickly. The waitress shrugs and chews her gum
faster.
BUXOMLY WAITRESS
Weirdo.
Michael and Veronica blend their voices as one. They move
this duet to an ecstatic climax.
REV. JASPER leaves unnoticed.
SCENE FOR ASSIGNMENT:
1) Logline: Michael feels a strong inclination towards recording secular music, which conflicts with his religious teachings and the goals that are being forced upon him by his family.
2) The essence of this scene is Michael is going to do what he feels in his soul.
3) #7 – Betrayal – A character who (Rev. Jasper) is turned against the main character (Michael Daniels.) and #2 – Major Twist – A sudden change in direction causing Rev. Jasper to have to deal with new circumstances and their consequences.
4) I included the preceding scene so you could see what Michael’s father, Rev. jasper Daniels has discovered and why he feels so angry and betrayed.
I INT. DANIELS HOME – KITCHEN – DAY
A tearful Mrs. Daniels sits at the breakfast table with Reverend Jasper Daniels. Reverend Jasper has obviously broken the news to everyone and they all look distraught.
REV. MALICHAI
I just can’t b’lieve Michael would let the devil use him this way.
REV. JASPER
I saw him with my own eyes…my own flesh and blood.
Michael enters in a vibrant mood and kisses his mother on th cheek before he sits.
MICHAEL
Good Morning, Momma, Daddy, Gramps…
He bounces around until he notices that no one answered. He then tries to evaluate the sullen looks on their faces.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
(playfully)
What’s up? Somebody die?
Mrs. Daniels begins to sob openly. Reverend Jasper squints his eyes in anger.
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37.
REV. JASPER
(very hostile tone)
I saw you at that club last night. Boy, and I didn’t like what I saw. What you was sanging, it was trash.
Michael listens intently.
REV. MALICHAI
No DANIELS ever took to sangin’ blues or rock n’ roll, son. We always been religious. We been a family of good stock. We a family of ministers …religious..
MICHAEL
What is religious? BIBLE toting, scripture spouting, condemning and judging others who don’t think like you? I’m not preaching fear, stifling the life out of people with all these ‘can’t do this’ and ‘can’t do that’s.’ My music is my Ministry.
REV. JASPER
(sternly)
A Minister’s place is in the pulpit and that’s where you’re going to be!
REV. MALICHAI
Son, you need to repent.
Michael looks defiant.
MRS. DANIELS
Michael, please promise us you won’t waste yourself like that.
MICHAEL
No, Mother. There’s too many young people who have given up on living fully, given up on their dreams.
They want a full life…they want to enjoy church, a party a well as a concert. Some like Gospel…some Reggae, some rap…
Reverend Jasper pounds his fist and yells.
REV. JASPER
I know you gon’ out yo’ mind now. That rap is crap!
(MORE)
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38.
REV. JASPER (CONT’D)
The devil’s cheap tricks to keep young people confused and out of the church.
REV. MALICHAI
Son, please listen to your father and repent.
MICHAEL
(to his father)
You are just too blind to see that they don’t go to the church because the church won’t grow with them.
They’re sick and tires of being told that everything they do is a miserable sin. They feel worse when they come out than when they went in…I’m going to sing the songs I feel in my heart and no sanctimonious old…
Reverend Jasper jumps to his feet.
REV. JASPER
NO, hell you ain’t. No SON of mine is going to bring shame on the Daniels’ name.
Michael jumps to his feet in anger.
REV. JASPER (CONT’D)
In this house you’ll do what I say.
MICHAEL
I don’t think so.
Reverend Jasper slaps Michael. Mrs Daniels stands and gets between them as they yell at each other.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Let’s forget I’m your son. I can change my name. Maybe I’ll call my self “Johnny Sin.” This is my life and it’s time I made my own decisions about it. I’m going to sing my songs whether you like it or not!
Reverend Jasper tries to reach for Michael, but Mrs. Daniels twists and turns to adjust her body to keep them apart.
Reverend Malichai is now on his feet praying under his breath.
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39.
REV. JASPER
You’ll burn in HELL, get the Hell out of my house. I hope I never lay eyes on you again.
Michael leaves in a huff. Reverend Malichai puts his arms around Mrs. Daniels’ as she sobs.
CUT TO:
Rewrite:
INT. DANIELS HOME – KITCHEN – DAY
A tearful Mrs. Daniels sits at the breakfast table discussing Michael with
Reverend Jasper Daniels and Re. Malachai. Reverend Jasper has obviously
broken the news to everyone and they all look distraught.
REV. MALICHAI
I just can’t b’lieve Michael would
let the devil use him this way.
REV. JASPER
I saw him with my own eyes…my own
flesh and blood sanging in that god-awful place.
Michael enters in a vibrant mood, singing and kisses his mother on the
cheek before he sits.
MICHAEL
Good Mornin’, Momma, Daddy,
Gramps…
He bounces around until he notices that no one answered. He
then tries to evaluate the sullen looks on their faces.
MICHAEL
(playfully)
What’s up? Somebody die?
Mrs. Daniels begins to sob openly. Reverend Jasper squints
his eyes in anger.
REV. JASPER
Where were you last night?
MICHAEL
Hanging out with my friends, Lee, Doc and Speedy.
REV. JASPER
(very hostile tone)
Did you forget something?
MICHAEL
What?
REV. JASPER
I saw you at that club last night.
Boy, and I didn’t like what I saw.
What you was sangin’, was trash.
Michael listens intently.
REV. MALICHAI
No DANIELS ever took to sangin’
blues or rock n’ roll, son. We
always been Ministers sangin’ for the LORD. We been a
family of good stock. We a religious….
Michael cuts him off.
MICHAEL
What is religious? BIBLE toting,
scripture gymnastics, condemning and
judging others who don’t think like
you? …stifling the life out of people
with all these ‘can’t do this’ and
‘can’t do that’s.’ I don’t’ want to be about that.
My music is my
Ministry.
REV. JASPER
(sternly)
A Minister’s place is in the pulpit
and that’s where you’re going to
be! The nerve of you, who do you
think you are?
REV. MALICHAI sits twisting in his seat he want’s in on this fight.
REV. MALICHAI
Son, you need to repent.
Michael looks defiant.
MICHAEL
My voice is a God-given gift and I’m going to
Sing what I want.
MRS. DANIELS
Michael, please promise us you
won’t waste yourself like that.
MICHAEL
No, Mother. That’s why young
people who have given up on living
fully, given up on their dreams. Their
parents’ demands are not always what they
want for themselves.
They want a full life…they want to enjoy church, a party as
well as a concert. Some like Gospel…some Reggae, some
rap…
Reverend Jasper pounds his fist and yells.
REV. JASPER
I know you gon’ out yo’ mind now.
That rap is crap!.
The devil’s cheap tricks to keep
young people confused and out of
the church.
REV. MALICHAI
Son, please listen to your father
and repent.
MICHAEL
(to his father)
You are just too blind to see that
they don’t go to the church because
the church won’t grow with them.
They’re sick and tired of being
told that everything they do is a
miserable sin. They feel worse
when they come out than when they
went in… I’m going to sing the
songs I feel in my heart and no
sanctimonious old…
Reverend Jasper jumps to his feet.
REV. JASPER
NO, hell you ain’t. No SON of
mine is going to bring shame on the
Daniels’ name.
Michael jumps to his feet in anger.
REV. JASPER
In this house you’ll do what I say.
MICHAEL
I don’t think so.
Reverend Jasper slaps Michael. Mrs. Daniels stands and gets
between them as they yell at each other.
Let’s forget I’m your son. I can
change my name. Maybe I’ll call my
self “Johnny Sin.” This is my life
and it’s time I made my own
decisions about it. I’m going to
sing my songs whether you like it
or not!
Reverend Jasper tries to reach for Michael, but Mrs. Daniels
twists and turns to adjust her body to keep them apart.
Reverend Malichai is now on his feet praying under his
breath.
REV. JASPER
You’ll burn in HELL, get the Hell
out of my house. I hope I never
lay eyes on you again.
Michael leaves in a huff. Reverend Malichai puts his arms
around Mrs. Daniels’ as she sobs.
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1 Reply
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Tom’s Max Interest Part 1
What I’ve learned: In this class, I’m learning clever ways to show – not tell – what my characters are really about.
Scene Logline: Warren wants Stu to show him how he launches. Also, Warren suspects Stu hides his sister whom he wants to kill.
Scene Essence: Stu refuses to show Warren what he wants to know.
Scene Rewritten with interest techniques:
EXT./INT. ZENITH AEROSPACE – NIGHT
Watchtower. Rough stone walls. 12-foot fence. Atop the crypt-like building, a massive dish antenna. Sign reads “Zenith Aerospace.”
The Humvee pulls up. Warren and Stu hop out. Enter the building.
Stu reveals a crew capsule.
Warren hands Stu coordinates.
STU
Do it at night. No one’s around.
Stu mixes a drink. Hands it to Warren.
WARREN
Daytime. The world has to see it.
He ignores the drink.
STU
But the crew. Your Ex and my son will be in it.
He puts his drink back down.
Warren smirks.
STU
You really hate her that much.
WARREN
This sale saves your company. I got some time. I’ll go with you.
He strides to the door.
Stu doesn’t move.
STU
Why’d the President switch a Moon mission to Mars.
WARREN
To impress Kate.STU
Potus got the hots for your Ex.
Warren straightens his back. Stares daggers at him.
Stu retreats to the crew capsule.
STU
What if Art doesn’t buy it.WARREN
No choice. We have zero competition.
Outside Warren goes to the Humvee and removes a crippled dog.
He slow walks it for a pee.
EVELYN glares down at him from an upper floor window.
(She’s Warren’s sister whom he wants to kill. He doesn’t know Stu is hiding her from him.)
She knows and loves the dog. Not so much Warren.
He returns the critter to the Humvee. Glances up at the building.
She ducks.
Warren glances over at Stu who waits for him to leave.
Warren drives away.
Stu ensures Warren is out of sight.
Enters, trots downstairs, passes dirty engine parts.
Examines rocket engines. Puts one on a lift that raises it to ground level.
Outside, he climbs into an antique Toyota Land Cruiser.
It sways onto the two-lane and picks up speed. #
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