Partner Up to Exchange Critiques on Story Logic Webs

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s SLW Version 1

(Note: I’m working with three different concepts. Feel free to pick just one to exchange feedback on and ignore the other two if you wish.)

OPEN WIDE

A. Concept: An infiltration specialist must get his/her infected daughter off world to save her from becoming an alien brood mother.

B. Plot Choice: #12 Transformation

C. Character Structure: #1 Protagonist vs. Antagonist

D. Lead Characters:

1. Jude is an infiltration specialist who protects his/her daughter, and is willing to sacrifice Earth in order to save her.

E. Dramatic Question: Will Jude and his/her daughter survive?

F. Main Conflict: The aliens and liquidators

G. Dilemma: Save the child or contain the spread?

H. Theme: Nature’s will to persist is universal and sometimes monstrous

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any): From fearful of the monsters to the one monsters fear.

1. Opening: A space colony takes refuge in a bunker after an alert sounds warning of an alien outbreak, but one of the residents with them is infected.

2. Inciting Incident: The colony is wiped out, becoming infected by parasitic aliens, with the exception of one parent and child.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: How will the parent survive being surrounded by hostile aliens?

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: Jude sets off the distress signal to bring help and kills her first alien.

5. Mid-Point: Jude discovers his/her child is infected as a brood mother.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: Jude places his/her child in cryo-sleep and plans to sneak his/her child onto the incoming ship.

7. Crisis: The help that’s arriving are liquidators, sent to kill both the aliens and any survivors.

8. Climax: Jude kills the remaining aliens and a liquidator, stealing their suit to sneak both him/herself and the child into the spaceship and get off world.

9. Resolution: Jude and the infected child stow away with the liquidators and are headed for Earth.

POSSESSING EDEN

A. Concept: An android in search of redemption for a murder she committed is tested by a copy of herself that represents her own guilt, and she must either kill that side of herself or become one with it.

B. Plot Choice: # 1 Quest

C. Character Structure: #4 Dramatic Triangle

D. Lead Characters:

1. Janus is Adam’s creation who goes in search of redemption after unintentionally killing someone to create a copy of herself.

2. Adam is a computer virus that created the world of the story after feeling rejected by GOD, and who attacks Janus after feeling rejected by her.

3. Copy is Janus’ alter ego that represents Janus’ guilt and tries to manipulate and even destroy her.

4. Calvex is a guide to the Underworld and tries to heal Janus.

E. Dramatic Question: Will Janus find redemption?

F. Main Conflict: Forces of Adam (Heaven), the Underworld (Hell) and Janus’ own Copy (Guilt).

G. Dilemma: To seek redemption by going against her creator, or accept absolution by sacrificing herself to either her creator or guilt.

H. Theme: Redemption is found within.

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any): Guilt Ridden to Self Forgiveness

1. (Active) Opening – Janus saves a helpless boy from a raging robot at the intersection of the upper floors of a massive nine story building and the underworld (the lower nine floors), and takes the boy to her creator, Adam, to give the boy eternal life.

2. Inciting Incident – Janus creates a copy of herself under Adam’s guidance, but, unbeknownst to her in doing so, also kills the person whose body was needed to create the copy.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. – Janus, with the help of her Copy, will steal Adam’s code that allowed her to be made, and venture into the underworld to use said code in order to resurrect her victim.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – Janus abandons the upper floors and descends into the underworld, against Adam’s wishes.

5. Mid-Point – Janus rescues Calvex, a guide to the underworld, from an execution/gladiator pit that they both escape from.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – Janus’ Copy attacks her and tries to kill her after being promised a place in the upper floors if she renders justice against her counterpart, but Janus is able to heal her guilt and merge with her Copy instead.

7. Crisis – In the preceding action, Calvex sacrificed himself for Janus and died, thus prompting Janus to upload him through the Afterlife Protocol, much to the ire of Adam who vows to “do what gods do.”

8. Climax – Janus, with the help of the underworld, returns to the upper floors and defeats Adam.

9. Resolution – The residents of the high rise are free to explore a world that’s much bigger than anything they imagined.

GRAND THEFT ROAD TRIP

A. Concept: A driving instructor finds out their child commits grand theft auto on a regular basis during a defensive driving course where their child is behind the wheel and the cops are on their tail. As their child’s hostage, the two now have to mend the relationship that was broken.

B. Plot Choice: #13 Maturation

C. Character Structure: #2 Buddy Movie

D. Lead Characters:

1. The Kid is an elite driver that commits grand theft auto on a regular basis behind her family’s back, but one day messes with the wrong man.

2. The Dad is a defensive driving instructor that has tried to control most aspects of his life, including his daughter’s, for the sake of safety.

3. The Boss is a crime boss that specializes in grand theft auto who goes after The Kid when she steals his prized car.

E. Dramatic Question: Will The Kid get caught and have to face up to her actions? Will The Kid and The Dad reconnect with each other?

F. Main Conflict: The cops and The Boss’ gang trying to catch her. Her father wanting her to turn her in.

G. Dilemma: To maintain control or maintain the relationship

H. Theme: We are our parent’s children

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any): From blaming others to accepting responsibility.

1. (Active) Opening – The Kid breaks into a Lamborghini Countach and takes it on a joyride, evading cops along the way, before leaving it and successfully sneaking into her parent’s out.

2. Inciting Incident – A cop is able to identify the Kid while she’s on a defensive driving course with her father, and attempts to pull the two over.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. – The Kid slams the gas and takes her dad for the ride of his life as she successfully evades law enforcement, with the dad left wondering what happened to his daughter, and how does he get her back.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – The Dad chooses to go with his daughter, instead of turning her into the cops, so that he can mend the relationship he didn’t know was broken.

5. Mid-Point – The Boss puts a hit on The Kid.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – The dad is shot in the crossfire between cops and the cartel.

7. Crisis – The Kid gets herself and her dad out okay, but her dad’s bleeding out.

8. Climax – After watching her father die, the Kid goes after The Boss before turning herself in to the cops.

9. Resolution – The Kid goes to prison, and years later she sets up a memorial to her father and dedicates her life and love of cars to his memory by becoming a stunt driving instructor.

[Antonio]

Hi Cameron!

Would you like to exchange comments? I want to review “Possessing Eden” for a start. Please look for post #13 on Day 8 Forum that’s where my cheerleader MMA fighter SLW is.

— Antonio Flores

POSSESSING EDEN

A. Concept:

An android in search of redemption for a murder she committed is tested by a copy of herself that represents her own guilt, and she must either kill that side of herself or become one with it.

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ANTONIO: Probably a way to elevate the concept would be to include the dramatic elements of the story: the journey to the underworld, the defiance to the creator’s order, the quest for the code to revive the victim… This would allow us to see the movie in one sentence and achieve HIGH CONCEPT

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B. Plot Choice: # 1 Quest

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ANTONIO: I wonder if the plot you describe is suggesting Rivalry, as it is clear that Janus does things that the Creator should do, and performs better than the creator, like rescuing somebody and using the afterlife protocol. Besides, if by the end Janus defeats the creator, who would be the world ruler?

Consider the description of this plot:

8. Rivalry

This plot puts the protagonist against the antagonist in a power struggle. They are equally matched and as one’s power increases, the other’s decreases. This plot is all about who is superior. As they both struggle to prove their superiority, the protagonist faces moral dilemmas.

Usually, the antagonist will instigate the action by making a move to gain superiority over the other. Through a reversal of fortune, the protagonist slowly regains his position to become an equal adversary. At that point, the two square off for the final confrontation.

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C. Character Structure: #4 Dramatic Triangle

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ANTONIO: Because Copy does not seem so relevant, at least judging from the beats, is it perhaps Protagonist versus Antagonist a better option of character structure for this story?

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D. Lead Characters:

1. Janus is Adam’s creation who goes in search of redemption after unintentionally killing someone to create a copy of herself.

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ANTONIO: I like very much that the protagonist is not a human and that you play well with the advanced attributes it has: sense of guilt, the need of redemption, and the dilemma of killing or becoming one with her other side. The phrase may need some revision, though.

The meaning of “unintentionally killing someone to create a copy of herself” may not be apparent to everyone. The phrase “to create a copy of herself” seems to suggest that she killed with intention.

Is it perhaps: “… goes in search of redemption for unintentionally killing someone when she created a copy of herself.”

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2. Adam is a computer virus that created the world of the story after feeling rejected by GOD, and who attacks Janus after feeling rejected by her.

3. Copy is Janus’ alter ego that represents Janus’ guilt and tries to manipulate and even destroy her.

4. Calvex is a guide to the Underworld and tries to heal Janus.

E. Dramatic Question: Will Janus find redemption?

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ANTONIO: This makes sense. However, the story might be appealing to a wider audience if, perhaps, the links to god, heaven, hell, were not explicit, but rather implicit just as metaphors.

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F. Main Conflict: Forces of Adam (Heaven), the Underworld (Hell) and Janus’ own Copy (Guilt).

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ANTONIO: Perhaps you could describe the conflict, which I imagine involves Adams being rejected by Janus and how that plays in the triangle with Copy — Why does copy want to manipulate and destroy Janus?

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G. Dilemma: To seek redemption by going against her creator, or accept absolution by sacrificing herself to either her creator or guilt.

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ANTONIO: Because this is a totally new world for us, it is hard to imagine the consequences of going against a computer-virus-creator or what it means to sacrifice herself to the creator or to Copy. Probably you could expand a bit on that.

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H. Theme: Redemption is found within.

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ANTONIO: The theme seems to suggest that as long as I can forgive myself, I can be free from responsibility, errors, etc. This idea of redemption may not be transferable to every scenario, or well, might not be easy to accept by everyone in the audience. Besides, self redemption does not seem challenging or hard to achieve.

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I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any): Guilt Ridden to Self Forgiveness

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ANTONIO: Perhaps the appeal of the character would increase if forgiveness came from the party affected by its fault instead of self forgiveness.

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1. (Active) Opening – Janus saves a helpless boy from a raging robot at the intersection of the upper floors of a massive nine story building and the underworld (the lower nine floors), and takes the boy to her creator, Adam, to give the boy eternal life.

</div>

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ANTONIO: This is the introduction of the extraordinary world, the protagonist and the antagonist. Good job!

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2. Inciting Incident – Janus creates a copy of herself under Adam’s guidance, but, unbeknownst to her in doing so, also kills the person whose body was needed to create the copy.

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ANTONIO: It is not clear why Janus has to create a copy of herself.

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3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. – Janus, with the help of her Copy, will steal Adam’s code that allowed her to be made, and venture into the underworld to use said code in order to resurrect her victim.

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ANTONIO: Exactly! The code! This is what Janus NEEDS to get redemption. This is the QUEST. It deserves to be highlighted in the logline and somewhere in the first 10 pages.

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4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – Janus abandons the upper floors and descends into the underworld, against Adam’s wishes.

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ANTONIO: Why is the underworld out of boundaries?

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5. Mid-Point – Janus rescues Calvex, a guide to the underworld, from an execution/gladiator pit that they both escape from.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – Janus’ Copy attacks her and tries to kill her after being promised a place in the upper floors if she renders justice against her counterpart, but Janus is able to heal her guilt and merge with her Copy instead.

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ANTONIO: “After being promised…” Who made that promise?

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7. Crisis – In the preceding action, Calvex sacrificed himself for Janus and died, thus prompting Janus to upload him through the Afterlife Protocol, much to the ire of Adam who vows to “do what gods do.”

8. Climax – Janus, with the help of the underworld, returns to the upper floors and defeats Adam.

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ANTONIO: This victory sounds unrelated to the act of redemption, unless you express it explicitly, for example, “…defeats Adam AND receives the code to revive her victim.”

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9. Resolution – The residents of the high rise are free to explore a world that’s much bigger than anything they imagined.

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ANTONIO: The link between the resolution and the triumph of the hero might not be apparent. The resolution should refers us back to the dramatic question: Will Janus get redemption? What happened to the victim? What happened to the code? After Adam was defeated, who will be ruling this world?

This is an exciting story! Now I not only want to read version 2, but I want to see the movie! Hope these ideas help, Cameron!

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• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Cameron Martin]

Thank you so much, Antonio!

I feel you on the additional description needed. It was a pain to get the 41 plot points (from the Writing Killer Action course) down to 9, one sentence, explanations. Perhaps I’ll have to break that one sentence rule that Hal requested (Sorry, Hal).

More importantly, you’ve helped to identify the crux of the issue [still] with these plot points, dilemmas, and characters. It’s all too complicated and/or vague in trying to achieve the very difficult goal of deconstructing organized religions and non-theistic followings, namely the promise that subscribing to any one philosophy alone will lead to salvation in some way. Often times, I see that promise going two ways: either the organization cultivates a culture of psychological self harm to perpetuate the need for salvation, or a culture of superiority over others is promoted. To your point that self redemption doesn’t seem challenging or hard to achieve, or that “I can be free from responsibility,” that’s the element Copy hinges on, and she does need to be more involved in the action of the story if the theme is to work as intended (maybe a better theme is that we can’t heal others until we learn to heal ourselves). The religion angle feels so right for this, but dammit, you’re right that it’s potentially too controversial for general audiences to enjoy (I pitched this concept years ago, and the minute I brought up the word Christianity, I got an earful from the producer about how much he hated religion).

I’ll get right to work on clearing up the world and action, the character dynamics, and toning down the religious angle to something more mythic or ambient than literal.

Thanks again!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s SLW Version 2

POSSESSING EDEN

A. Concept: An android in search of redemption will defy her creator by stealing the code to creating life, and fighting against the darkest of forces, including the android’s own copy.

B. Plot Choice: # 1 Quest

C. Character Structure: #4 Dramatic Triangle

D. Lead Characters:

1. Janus is Adam’s creation who goes in search of redemption after unintentionally killing someone when she created a copy of herself.

2. Adam is an ancient computer virus who, after developing a complex through killing various copies of himself, created his own world inspired by several religious and mythological sources. When Janus chooses to set her own path that comes in conflict with his world’s rules, he will stop at nothing to destroy his own creation before she can undo the world he’s made for himself.

3. Copy is Janus’ alter ego that resents the way she was created because that creation came at the expense of an innocent’s life. What Copy wants more than Janus’ redemption is for Janus to face justice for her actions.

4. Calvex is a guide to the Underworld whose augmented voice helps to soothe the chaotic machines dwelling there. Where Adam rules through force and manipulation (something that’s rubbed off on Janus via her Copy), Calvex provides an alternative to Janus by serving those in need.

E. Dramatic Question: Will Janus bring her victim back to life?

F. Main Conflict: Forces of Adam (Heaven), the Underworld (Hell) and Janus’ own Copy (Guilt).

G. Dilemma: When Janus is first offered absolution by Adam, it comes in the form of Adam wiping everyone’s memory of Janus’ victim. However, Janus chooses to chart her own path, and that dilemma continues throughout the story with other sources offering their own version of redemption and Janus having to choose between their version or the life she intends to bring back.

H. Theme: We can’t heal others until we first learn to heal ourselves.

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any): Guilt Ridden to Self Forgiveness. From overpowering others to lifting others up.

(Active) Opening – Janus saves a helpless boy from a raging robot at the intersection of the upper floors of a massive nine story tower and the underworld (the lower nine floors), and takes the boy to her creator, Adam, to give the boy eternal life. In the subsequent scenes, we learn Adam is humanity’s savior, as he created The Tower to rescue the last bastion of mankind from extinction, created beings in his own image to have dominion over the world, and isolated those who wouldn’t follow him to the underworld.

(Note: Dominion comes in the form of “Possession,” an act where Janus and her siblings penetrate and wrap the armor of machines around them, like a cyberpunk version of a ghost going inside of and possessing a person.

2. Inciting Incident – As Adam’s favorite child, Janus is invited to discover knew knowledge of the extant of her powers, and Janus, ever curious and competitive, accepts the invitation. Janus creates a copy of herself under Adam’s guidance, but, unbeknownst to her in doing so, also kills the person whose body was needed to create the copy.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. – Janus, with the help of her Copy, will steal Adam’s code that allowed her to be made, and venture into the underworld to use said code in order to resurrect her victim.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – Adam feels betrayed by Janus after she stole the code to create life, but offers her absolution in the form of erasing hers and everyone’s memory of the event. Janus rejects Adam’s offer and abandons the upper floors to descend into the underworld. Adam takes Janus’ turning on him personally, prompting him to split into multiple versions of himself, who all fight each other for supremacy. The most vengeful of Adam’s copies wins and sets his sights on destroying his own creation.

5. Mid-Point – Janus rescues Calvex, a guide to the underworld, from an execution/gladiator pit that they both escape from, as well as a wave of sentries sent by Adam. Later, however, Copy reaches out to Adam, who offers a place by his side if she can exact justice on her counterpart.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – Janus, Copy, and Calvex successfully reach the place where they can bring her victim back to life, but Adam’s laid a trap that exposes Copy to a horrific and exaggerated version of her creation, and by extension the death of the individual whose body she possesses. Janus’ Copy, believing Janus is beyond salvation after seeing a curated version of her birth, as well as the realization that the resurrection of Janus’ victim is impossible with Adam, attacks Janus and tries to kill her. However, when Calvex sacrifices himself to save Janus, she becomes inspired to heal her guilt and merge with her Copy instead of killing it or succumbing to it.

7. Crisis – Janus tries to upload Calvex through the Afterlife Protocol before his last breath. She succeeds, but Adam holds Calvex hostage in the form of digital code, preventing his reincarnation. Adam then declares to Janus he’ll destroy the world and start anew because “that’s what gods do.”

8. Climax – Janus, with the help of the underworld, returns to the upper floors to defeat Adam. When the moment comes for Janus to deal the final blow, Adam offers her a choice. Because her code is intertwined with his (She is made in his image), if she destroys her creator, she herself would also be destroyed. If she were to spare Adam, then she and Calvex would be allowed to leave The Tower, and explore “the real world.” Janus chooses to sacrifice herself, giving the residents of The Tower their freedom and possession of the Afterlife Protocol.

9. Resolution – The Afterlife Protocol within The Tower is free again, as are its residents. Calvex and the others living there are permitted to reincarnate and live outside of The Tower, where we see that it is simply one small building in a vast and vibrant city on another planet.

OPEN WIDE

A. Concept: A parent who struggles to communicate with his out-of-control child must protect said child from an outbreak of parasitic aliens and get off-world.

B. Plot Choice: #12 Transformation

C. Character Structure: #2 Buddy Movie

D. Lead Characters: Sully tries his best to balance being a good parent and an exceptional employee, and as a result never has time or energy to meet his child’s demand for constant play.

The Child is a wild thing that gets into trouble everywhere he can, never able to identify when to play and when to get serious.

E. Dramatic Question: Will Sully and his son survive?

F. Main Conflict: The aliens and liquidators, as well as the strained relationship between father and son.

G. Dilemma: Save the child or contain the spread? Meet the kid where they are, or demand they rise to an occasion they’re not ready for.

H. Theme: True communication is essential for survival

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any): From fearful of the monsters to the one monsters fear…From demanding and frustrated parent to empathetic and connecting.

1. Opening: Sully works on a project for his superiors while wrangling a child adamant on drawing as much attention as possible, until Sully explodes on the child.

2. Inciting Incident: An alarm goes off, warning the colonists of a dangerous outbreak of parasitic alien worms. The colonists gather in a bunker to wait out the infestation until liquidators can arrive to exterminate the worms, but Sully can’t find his child, who’s playing hide and seek, before the bunker closes shut.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Sully must find a way to work with his difficult son to survive and take refuge in the sealed bunker.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: Sully sets out on his own after locking his son in a secure location.

5. Mid-Point: Sully reaches the bunker and discovers all the residents were infected and are now monsters. Sully’s child is able to save him after breaking out of his confinement, but gets infected as a brood mother as a result.

(Note: The worms’ eggs are small and spread on the breeze like spores. The eggs grow inside the host. When they hatch, one worm takes control of the host’s brain and body, as well as breaking and fusing with their host’s jaw to have it able to lunge out of the skull – like a cross between a shark’s jaw and a frog’s tongue. The remaining worms inside escape from their original host and seek out a new one, entering through the mouth of their target with serrated teeth that gash the inside of the host’s throat, and then taking control as described before.)

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: The liquidators arrive to kill the infected and any survivors, but Sully and his son find a way to sneak onto the liquidator’s vessel to get back to earth.

7. Crisis: Sully and his son are caught, and they fight through hell to stay alive and get to a medical bay.

8. Climax: Sully seals himself and his son in the medical bay and they work together to extract the parasites within him before they hatch.

9. Resolution: Sully and his son save themselves, forming a closer relationship than either could’ve imagined after the torture they endured together.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Cameron Martin. Reason: Added Version 2 of OPEN WIDE

[Alice Eden]

Hello Cameron,

As I said I like it. Such setting gives you a lot of possibilities, but is also a question, if they are only programs, how do they exist, and where machines come from? This makes it a little bit like Matrix. Your main story idea is Janus versus Adam. that’s why you write it. Initial scene where she saves kid feels a little bit offshore, like pretext. Maybe make it worse, make it stronger, like for example, Janus knowing someone would be destroyed when they create a Copy. And only then exchanges and starts feeling guilt, for example, when she meets Calvex. This would elevate it. For example, he sacrifices himself for her sake, then she starts feeling different, like more human. Also, if creator is named Adam, how much of human he has? Human like us, humans. Does he poses flows or tendencies, because if he is just God in clouds, how can she defeat him? So, if it is that Hell wins, the battle of forces, low and top, is won by hell, and they go exploring the world, this world, is it similar in terms of hosts possessing machines, or is it just common world like we know, and ain’t (won’t be) they just intruders into this paradise, posessing, like viruses, naive ignorant dwellers, even if without bad intention? Then, Adam’s role would turn into [Adam was protecting outside world from possible possesions]? Also, when Copy is created, they must identical, but as they have different experience after, Janus changes, Copy goes also its way, then when merge, do they create third version, or who elevates to another, and maybe there is a moment before merging, when we can’t recognize in between of them, who is who. I hope, it’s ok what I write to you, it is just a thought. I just think maybe, if you reverse good and evil a couple of times throughout the story, like Janus is cruel first, then wish to liberate those in hell, even sacrifices, and when they win, it appears, they are just heading to invade it, and Adam was protector. I know it’s contrary to what you saying. But, if they just heading to Paradise, then what’s the difference, if there just other buildings? Or, if they become eternal, what for good and evil stuff? And why then they been restricted to hell? You can also go other way, and concentrate on visuals, rather then moral, it might lead you to more insights, maybe, unexpected. Also, maybe she would meet Calvex a couple of times before he saves her, not a single encounter, like with kid she saves. Also, if she merges with Copy, then if she won’t, she as a copy would’ve survive, so it’s a huge sucrifice, it’s dramatic. You might also fill ir, as you want it, with a lot of stilisation, like words, terms, or saying from Romans, or Judaic, that might be fun.

Thank you, I enjoyed reviewing. Hope it might bring you to next insights, or else better awareness of how your story is perceived!

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Alice!

Thank you again for your amazing feedback. You’ve given me a lot to think about with a story that I’ve been a little too close to in order to see it’s limitations and flaws. Looking forward to taking another crack at it!

Cam

[Alice Eden]

I’ m happy you see it this way, as I wasn’t sure, as I discuss no Turning Point, and things like that. Still, I love your story

[Dana Abbott]

Thanks for the critique of my SLW. You made some good points that I’ll implement into my next version. And you’re right. I tend to explain too much. I need to work on that.

I reread both versions of your Possessing Eden SLW, and you did a great job bringing the story into focus. I have a better understanding of your concept in the second version that I didn’t have in the first. I think you have everything here, but like me, you try to explain things. I think your beats need to be tightened down. But that’s just wordsmithing.

POSSESSING EDEN

A. Concept: An android in search of redemption will defy her creator by stealing the code to creating life, and fighting against the darkest of forces, including the android’s own copy.

* An android searching for redemption, an emotion usually reserved for humans, is a good twist. But to say she is “fighting the darkest of forces” is a little vague. If you tell us what she is fight for (i.e. fighting to bring the person she killed back to life and/or destroy the corrupt world of her creator) it would tell us the whole story.

B. Plot Choice: # 1 Quest

C. Character Structure: #4 Dramatic Triangle

D. Lead Characters:

1. Janus is Adam’s creation who goes in search of redemption after unintentionally killing someone when she created a copy of herself.

* This is good. But you may not need to say that she created her copy. Janus is simply seeking redemption for killing someone. Telling us who she killed may help us to understand her quest.

2. Adam is an ancient computer virus who, after developing a complex through killing various copies of himself, created his own world inspired by several religious and mythological sources. When Janus chooses to set her own path that comes in conflict with his world’s rules, he will stop at nothing to destroy his own creation before she can undo the world he’s made for himself.

* The first sentence tells us about Adam. Telling us that Adam will stop at nothing to destroy Janus is more plot than character.

3. Copy is Janus’ alter ego that resents the way she was created because that creation came at the expense of an innocent’s life. What Copy wants more than Janus’ redemption is for Janus to face justice for her actions.

* Again, the first sentence tells us about Copy. The second is Copy’s motivation for wanting to kill Janus later. You may want to insert that idea into

4. Calvex is a guide to the Underworld whose augmented voice helps to soothe the chaotic machines dwelling there. Where Adam rules through force and manipulation (something that’s rubbed off on Janus via her Copy), Calvex provides an alternative to Janus by serving those in need.

* Calvex is defined well, but you don’t need to include anything about Adam. If you eliminate the Adam comparison, it makes Calvex stronger.

E. Dramatic Question: Will Janus bring her victim back to life?

* Good. Right to the point.

F. Main Conflict: Forces of Adam (Heaven), the Underworld (Hell) and Janus’ own Copy (Guilt).

* This seems to be more a list of characters than the conflict between them. You might use the second sentence from Adam’s character here. It gives us a good idea of the main conflict.

G. Dilemma: When Janus is first offered absolution by Adam, it comes in the form of Adam wiping everyone’s memory of Janus’ victim. However, Janus chooses to chart her own path, and that dilemma continues throughout the story with other sources offering their own version of redemption and Janus having to choose between their version or the life she intends to bring back.

* I don’t think you need to say how many times she’s offered redemption. The fact that she is given a choice to give up her quest is sufficient. (i.e., Janus is offered absolution for turning against Adam and must choose to accept redemption or pursue her quest to bring back the life she has taken.) Or something to that effect.

H. Theme: We can’t heal others until we first learn to heal ourselves.

* Good. The theme is concise and something we all understand.

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any): Guilt Ridden to Self Forgiveness. From overpowering others to lifting others up.

* Guilt to self-forgiveness is a stronger character arc. I don’t think you need the rest.

(Active) Opening – Janus saves a helpless boy from a raging robot at the intersection of the upper floors of a massive nine story tower and the underworld (the lower nine floors), and takes the boy to her creator, Adam, to give the boy eternal life. In the subsequent scenes, we learn Adam is humanity’s savior, as he created The Tower to rescue the last bastion of mankind from extinction, created beings in his own image to have dominion over the world, and isolated those Ywho wouldn’t follow him to the underworld.

* You don’t need to explain the subsequent scenes considering that you have already told us about Adam being the creator of this world in the Lead Characters.

(Note: Dominion comes in the form of “Possession,” an act where Janus and her siblings penetrate and wrap the armor of machines around them, like a cyberpunk version of a ghost going inside of and possessing a person.

The Note isn’t necessary. You can have Janus explain this in the script when the scene happens.

2. Inciting Incident – As Adam’s favorite child, Janus is invited to discover knew knowledge of the extant of her powers, and Janus, ever curious and competitive, accepts the invitation. Janus creates a copy of herself under Adam’s guidance, but, unbeknownst to her in doing so, also kills the person whose body was needed to create the copy.

* The idea that a computer virus can have a favorite child is interesting. The second sentence is perfect Inciting Incident. You don’t really need the explanation how she is invited to discover knew knowledge given her journey is discovery. (As Adam’s favorite child, Janus is invited to create a copy of herself…)

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. – Janus, with the help of her Copy, will steal Adam’s code that allowed her to be made, and venture into the underworld to use said code in order to resurrect her victim.

* This is Janus’ quest. I don’t think you need to include Copy other than she is Janus’s creation. (Janus will steal Adam’s code that she used to create Copy and venture…)

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – Adam feels betrayed by Janus after she stole the code to create life but offers her absolution in the form of erasing hers and everyone’s memory of the event. Janus rejects Adam’s offer and abandons the upper floors to descend into the underworld. Adam takes Janus’ turning on him personally, prompting him to split into multiple versions of himself, who all fight each other for supremacy. The most vengeful of Adam’s copies wins and sets his sights on destroying his own creation.

* Is Janus escaping into the Underworld the Turning Point? Or is Adam splitting into multiple versions of himself to pursue Janus the Turning Point? Splitting into multiple versions is a good reaction to Janus’ escape and could a good way to lead into Act 2.

5. Mid-Point – Janus rescues Calvex, a guide to the underworld, from an execution/gladiator pit that they both escape from, as well as a wave of sentries sent by Adam. Later, however, Copy reaches out to Adam, who offers a place by his side if she can exact justice on her counterpart.

* Janus rescuing Calvex is good action but doesn’t reveal the twist in the story. Copy reaching out to Adam is a stronger Midpoint twist. I would focus on Copy’s betrayal as the Midpoint, like Cypher betraying Neo in the Matrix.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – Janus, Copy, and Calvex successfully reach the place where they can bring her victim back to life, but Adam’s laid a trap that exposes Copy to a horrific and exaggerated version of her creation, and by extension the death of the individual whose body she possesses. Janus’ Copy, believing Janus is beyond salvation after seeing a curated version of her birth, as well as the realization that the resurrection of Janus’ victim is impossible with Adam, attacks Janus and tries to kill her. However, when Calvex sacrifices himself to save Janus, she becomes inspired to heal her guilt and merge with her Copy instead of killing it or succumbing to it.

* You have a lot of things happening to multiple characters here. Things get a little confusing. Why is Copy still helping Janus if she agreed to work with Adam to betray her? I realize Copy is essential to the scene, given she tries to kill Janus, but her motivations/actions need to be better explained here. Is she part of Adam’s trap?

(i.e., Janus, Calvex and Copy successfully reach the place where they can bring her victim back to life, but Adam’s laid a trap with Copy’s help, forcing Calvex to sacrifice himself…)

7. Crisis – Janus tries to upload Calvex through the Afterlife Protocol before his last breath. She succeeds, but Adam holds Calvex hostage in the form of digital code, preventing his reincarnation. Adam then declares to Janus he’ll destroy the world and start anew because “that’s what gods do.”

* This is good, but it needs a slight edit. (i.e., Janus uploads Calvex into the Afterlife Protocol, but Adam blocks Calvex’s digital code, preventing his reincarnation, and declares to Janus he intends destroy the world and start anew because “that’s what gods do.”)

8. Climax – Janus, with the help of the underworld, returns to the upper floors to defeat Adam. When the moment comes for Janus to deal the final blow, Adam offers her a choice. Because her code is intertwined with his (She is made in his image), if she destroys her creator, she herself would also be destroyed. If she were to spare Adam, then she and Calvex would be allowed to leave The Tower, and explore “the real world.” Janus chooses to sacrifice herself, giving the residents of The Tower their freedom and possession of the Afterlife Protocol.

* Janus sacrificing herself to free the others is a good dramatic Climax. Again, it just needs to be tighter. (When Janus returns to the upper floor to defeat Adam, he offers her and Calvex freedom in the real world in exchange for his own life, but Janus chooses to sacrifice herself to free the residents of The Tower, etc.)

9. Resolution – The Afterlife Protocol within The Tower is free again, as are its residents. Calvex and the others living there are permitted to reincarnate and live outside of The Tower, where we see that it is simply one small building in a vast and vibrant city on another planet.

Nice resolution. Maybe reword the opening line. (i.e., With the Afterlife Protocol now in control, Calvex and the others are reincarated…)

This is a wild ride. A world within a world. I think it flows from beginning to end. It was fun to read this version. I hope my suggestions can help.

[Cameron Martin]

Thank you so much for taking the time and giving notes on the second version! You’ve gone above and beyond and helped me work through some of these logic issues. Seriously, thank you for the time you’ve given me. It means a lot.

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s SLW Version 3

POSSESSING EDEN

A. Concept: An android in search of redemption will defy her creator by stealing the code to creating life in an effort to bring the person she killed back to life.

B. Plot Choice: # 1 Quest

C. Character Structure: #4 Dramatic Triangle

D. Lead Characters:

1. Janus (Protagonist) is Adam’s creation who goes in search of redemption after unintentionally killing someone when she created a copy of herself.

2. Adam (Antagonist) is an ancient computer virus turned cult leader who, after developing a complex through killing various copies of himself, created his own world inspired by several religious and mythological sources.

3. Copy is Janus’ alter ego that resents the way she was created because that creation came at the expense of an innocent’s life.

4. Calvex is a guide to the Underworld whose augmented voice helps to soothe the chaotic machines dwelling there.

5. Pan is the little boy whom Janus saves at the beginning of the story, only to grow up and be killed by Janus in her attempt to create a copy of herself.

E. Dramatic Question: Will Janus bring her victim back to life?

F. Main Conflict: Adam sending his personal army, his other children, manipulating his followers to turn on Janus, as well turning Copy against Janus. Slavers capturing Janus and Copy and selling them to Warlords who pursue them and Calvex through the underworld. Copy betraying Janus to set up a trap and kill her counterpart.

G. Dilemma: Janus and her Copy’s pursuit of different goals (Janus wants redemption/Copy wants justice), places them at odds with one another and makes it difficult for them to work together.

H. Theme: We can’t heal others until we first learn to heal ourselves.

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any): Broken and literally split personality to healed and self actualized.

(Active) Opening – Janus saves a helpless boy, Pan, from a raging robot at the intersection of the upper floors of a massive nine story tower and the underworld (the lower nine floors), and takes the boy to her creator, Adam, to give the boy eternal life.

2. Inciting Incident – As Adam’s favorite child, Janus is taught to create a copy of herself under his guidance, but, unbeknownst to her in doing so, she also kills Pan, whose body was needed to create the copy.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. – Janus, with the help of her Copy, plans to steal Adam’s code that allowed her to be made, and venture into the underworld to use said code in order to resurrect her victim.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – Janus rejects Adam’s offer of absolution, which is just erasing people’s memories, and abandons the upper floors to descend into the underworld, which prompts Adam to split into multiple versions of himself who all fight each other for supremacy, with the most vengeful of Adam’s copies winning and setting his sights on destroying his own creation.

5. Mid-Point – After Janus cheats death and joins forces with Calvex, a guide to the underworld, Copy, who wants Janus to see justice for her actions, makes a plan with Adam to set a trap.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – Janus, Copy, and Calvex successfully reach the place where they can bring her victim back to life, but the trap laid earlier springs, and Copy ties to kill her counterpart; but when Calvex sacrifices himself to save Janus, she becomes inspired to heal her guilt and merge with her Copy instead of killing it or succumbing to it.

7. Crisis – Janus tries to upload Calvex through the Afterlife Protocol to bring him back, but Adam holds Calvex hostage in the form of digital code, preventing his reincarnation, and declares to Janus he’ll destroy the world and start anew because “that’s what gods do.”

8. Climax – Janus, with the help of the underworld, returns to the upper floors and both defeats Adam and resurrects Pan.

9. Resolution – The Afterlife Protocol within The Tower is free again, allowing Calvex, Pan and the others living there to reincarnate and live outside of The Tower, where we see that it is simply one small building in a vast and vibrant city on another planet.

GRAND THEFT ROAD TRIP

A. Concept: A driving instructor finds out their child commits grand theft auto on a regular basis during a defensive driving course where their child is behind the wheel and the cops are on their tail. As their child’s hostage and on the run from both the cops and the crime crew their child spurned, the two now have to mend the relationship that was broken.

B. Plot Choice: #13 Maturation

C. Character Structure: #2 Buddy Movie

D. Lead Characters:

1. The Kid is an elite driver that commits grand theft auto on a regular basis behind her family’s back, but one day steals from her crew’s boss in order to afford to run away forever.

2. The Dad is a defensive driving instructor that has tried to control most aspects of his life, including his daughter’s, for the sake of safety.

3. The Boss is a crime boss that specializes in grand theft auto who goes after The Kid when she steals his prized car and earnings from their past few heists.

4. The Lieutenant is a cop placed in charge of ending a series of car thefts by capturing The Kid and The Boss. He’ll finally win when he and The Kid make a deal and work together to bring down The Boss.

E. Dramatic Question: Will The Kid get caught and have to face up to her actions? Will The Kid and The Dad reconnect with each other?

F. Main Conflict: The Kid wants to be in the driver’s seat (both literally and figuratively) and keep running, but the Dad wants her to stop and accept responsibility, living the same safe life he’s prepared for himself and his family.

G. Dilemma: How can the Kid and her dad see eye to eye long enough to get themselves out of trouble?

H. Theme: We are our parent’s children

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any): From running from responsibility to accepting it.

1. (Active) Opening – The Kid breaks into a Lamborghini Countach and takes it on a joyride, evading cops along the way, before leaving it and successfully sneaking into her parent’s out.

2. Inciting Incident – A cop is able to identify the Kid while she’s on a defensive driving course with her father, and attempts to pull the two over.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. – The Kid slams the gas and takes her dad for the ride of his life as she successfully evades law enforcement, with the dad left wondering what happened to his daughter, and how does he get her back.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – The Dad chooses to go with his daughter, instead of turning her into the cops, so that he can mend the relationship he didn’t know was broken.

5. Mid-Point – The Boss puts a hit on The Kid.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – The dad is shot in the crossfire between cops and the cartel.

7. Crisis – The Kid gets herself and her dad out okay, but her dad’s bleeding out.

8. Climax – After watching her father die, the Kid cuts a deal with the Lieutenant and goes after The Boss.

9. Resolution – The Kid sets up a memorial to her father and dedicates her life and love of cars to his memory by becoming a stunt driving instructor.

OPEN WIDE

A. Concept: A parent who struggles to communicate with his out-of-control child must protect said child from an outbreak of parasitic aliens and get off-world.

B. Plot Choice: #12 Transformation

C. Character Structure: #2 Buddy Movie

D. Lead Characters: Sully tries his best to balance being a good parent and an exceptional employee, and as a result never has time or energy to meet his child’s demand for constant play.

The Child is a wild thing that gets into trouble everywhere he can, never able to identify when to play and when to get serious.

E. Dramatic Question: Will Sully and his son survive?

F. Main Conflict: The aliens and liquidators, as well as the strained relationship between father and son.

G. Dilemma: Sully involving himself with his son versus pushing him away to “get the job done.”

H. Theme: True communication is essential for survival

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any): From demanding and frustrated parent to empathetic and connecting.

1. Opening: Sully works on a project for his superiors while wrangling a child adamant on drawing as much attention as possible, until Sully explodes on the child.

2. Inciting Incident: An alarm goes off, warning the colonists to gather in a bunker to wait out an infestation of parasitic alien worms until liquidators can arrive to exterminate the worms, but Sully can’t find his child before the bunker closes shut.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Sully starts coming up with a plan for him and his son to survive and find a way inside the sealed bunker.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: Sully sets out on his own after locking his son in a secure location.

5. Mid-Point: Sully reaches the bunker but discovers all the residents were infected and are now monsters. Sully’s child is able to save him after breaking out of his confinement, but gets infected as a brood mother as a result.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: The liquidators arrive to kill the infected and any survivors, but Sully and his son find a way to sneak onto the liquidator’s vessel to get back to earth.

7. Crisis: Sully and his son are caught, and they fight through hell to stay alive and get to a medical bay.

8. Climax: Sully seals himself and his son in the medical bay and they work together to extract the parasites within him before they hatch.

9. Resolution: Sully and his son save themselves, forming a closer relationship than either could’ve imagined after the torture they endured together.

[Dana Abbott]

Cameron

Sorry it took me so long to get back in touch. I read all your SLW’s – before and after – to determine which one I liked the best. They were all intriguing, but I believe the grand theft auto/father-daughter concept is more developed than the other stories.

I read your Discoveries and Improvements, but my critiques are based on your After 9 Beat Structures.

OPEN WIDE – AFTER AFTER

Concept: You describe your protagonist as an “infiltration specialist.” What did she infiltrate? I assume an alien invasion, but you may need to make that clearer.

Lead Characters: Your description of Jude is good, but you may want to use some of her description in your Concept. It’s very strong description of what happens.

Opening and Inciting Incidents: You don’t discuss Jude or her actions. She isn’t mentioned until the First Turning Point. I’d like to know what she is doing earlier in the plot.

Page 10: I understand what the movie is about, but not who is involved or why.

First Turning Point: Jude setting off the alarm and killing her first alien which threatens her exposure is good. Is the discovered?

Midpoint: Her child is infected with a brood mother. But what is her intent? Will she save her or kill her? I don’t know the direction she intends to take.

Second turning point: Placing her child in cyro-sleep to sneak her off the planet may be better for the Climax. I think the previous turning point (the liquidators arriving to wipe everybody out and having Jude captured by the aliens) created better conflict at this point. She must escape from the aliens to avoid being killed by the Liquidators.

Crisis: The previous Crisis (the Liquidators are preparing to kill the child and Jude somehow trapped) was much stronger.

Climax: Killing a liquidator and sneaking aboard the ship to escape is good. This where you may put her child into cryo-sleep. How does Jude kill the remaining aliens?

Resolution: Jude and her child stow away to escape the planet. Just a few questions here: Jude decides to save her child and risk another spread. But isn’t she dooming her child to another spread? And if the child is in cryo-sleep, how will they be able to stow away and for how long if the Liquidators are all on board? I think your resolution leaves a few unanswered questions that need to be ironed out.

Main Conflict: The Aliens and Liquidators. But Jude is the one in conflict with both Alien and Liquidators to save her child.

The Dramatic Question and the Dilemma are both answered, but the Theme is confusing. Is it Nature (aliens) or Mankind (Jude/child) that needs to persist?

Overall: I felt the AFTER AFTER SLW is precise and defined, but I felt your AFTER SLW had more detail to better understand the story. You may want to blend the two, leaning toward the AFTER AFTER Concept.

POSSESSING EDEN – AFTER

This SLW was too out there for me. I grasped the religious ideas of redemption and falling from grace from the upper world to the underworld, but I didn’t have a good understanding of the story. It’s a unique concept, but I felt it blended too many ideas and was a little too cryptic for me to see.

GRAND THEFT ROAD TRIP – AFTER

Concept: This is your best concept. The father/daughter relationship always presents good conflict. You may want to add why the mobsters are looking for her, that she stole his Maserati, giving the reason for them to run.

The characters are good. The father being a driving instructor and the daughter being a car thief creates good opposites.

Opening Scene: The active opening introduces us to your lead character, and that she sneaks into her parent’s home, tells us the relationship. This was good.

Inciting Incident: An action sequence with a stunned father is a great idea, but you may want to add the action from Page 10 here, too. The Kid takes the dad on a ride to escape the cops.

Page 10: I’m not sure if I understand at this point, based on the Inciting Incident, the dad’s motivations to get his daughter back. I only really know now that she must run, given she’s been identified.

First Turning Point: The father forced to make a choice is good internal conflict. This may be the place where he decides to “get her back” written in Page 10. The hope of getting her back is why he doesn’t turn her into the cops.

Midpoint: This is a good twist in the story. The original mobster has a more violent boss. This elevates the consequences and what will happen to them both if they get caught.

Second turning point: The father being shot now turns the tables. The daughter must make a choice to save her father or keep running. This changes her motivations. He was saving her; now she is saving him. Good twist.

Crisis: The father bleeding out. This is a good race against time theme.

Climax: After her father dies, it may be more dramatic if she’s caught rather than turning herself in. It would add more conflict. The cops can pressure her to make a deal to help them catch the drug lord, which she’s willing to do.

Resolution: Avenging her father is good but going to prison may put her in greater jeopardy. Crime bosses control the prisons. You may want her to get away clean with a new life.

Character Arc: She accepts responsibility for her actions, I’m not sure if I saw the daughter blaming others in the SLW.

Main Conflict: The crime boss is the reason for them being on the run. But I think the main conflict is between father and daughter.

Dilemma: I’m not sure I understand this dilemma. Controlling her life, which doesn’t seem to be in control? Or wanting to fix the relationship with her father? How she’s intends to get them out of the situation she’s put them into I think is her real dilemma.

Theme: The theme that we take care of our children no matter what.

Road trips with an escape scenario make good adventures. Anything can happen. I think this is your best concept of the three. I hope you choose to write this one. Father/daughter stories with a young, leading female character should have a wide appeal.

I look forward to your next SLW and the scripting.

Dana

[Cameron Martin]

No worries Dana! Thanks again for your feedback!

It’s funny to me you believe GRAND THEFT ROAD TRIP is more developed, because that’s the one that was first conceived in the middle of this course. OPEN WIDE was an idea I developed a couple years ago in what I’ll call a writing tantrum, and POSSESSING EDEN was my first script (and so far only completed script) from seven years ago. Goes to show what the concept phase of this course can do for you!

I’m blown away that you took the time to review all three, and am greatly appreciative. You had fantastic insights into all three of them. Thought about mobs controlling the prison (GRAND THEFT ROAD TRIP), but like an idiot I elected to sweep that concern under the rug. Thanks for holding me accountable.

Looking forward to improving and writing GRAND THEFT ROAD TRIP, elevating OPEN WIDE, and beating my head against a wall in figuring out what the hell to do with POSSESSING EDEN.

Cam

[Dev Ross]

Dev Ross – Story Web 1 – Assignment 1

Concept: Outshined by the latest hate groups, a fading KKK Grand Dragon plots the murder of a black leader, but when he wakes the next morning, he is that black leader who is suddenly struck with a plan to murder the Grand Dragon.

Lead Characters: Grand Dragon, Black Leader

Plot/Structure: #8 Rivalry

Character Structure: Protagonist verses Antagonist

Lead Characters: J.J. CAINE is a religious extremist Grand Dragon in the KKK who plots to murder a Black Leader. LINCOLN ABLE is a black activist, community leader who plots to murder the Grand Dragon.

Dramatic Question: Will Caine regain his lost power?

Main Conflict: Caine and Lincoln are continually thwarted from killing each other without any reasonable explanation.

Dilemma: Will the two men see the ultimate truth of their hatred/conflict before they destroy their families and each other?

Theme: Ultimate hate ultimately destroys all.

Character Arcs: Caine goes from complacent, to obsessive, to realization. Lincoln goes from open hearted activist, to secretive and obsessive, to realization.

OPENING: News reports over visuals about fierce, unexplained weather events and extremist violence on the rise…

At a White Supremacist gathering, Grand Dragon J.J. CAINE is booed off stage for being a SINO – a White Supremacist in Name Only.

INCITING INCIDENT: His daughter informs him she’s pregnant with a black baby and she’s marrying her black boyfriend.

Page 10: For the sacrilege of his daughter, White Supremacists burn on a cross on his lawn and demand he step down as Grand Dragon.

First Turning point, End Act 1: Caine believes God is directing him to set things right by assassinating LINCOLN ABLE, a black community leader.

ACT TWO: As the planet trembles and the skies roil, Caine wakes up as that Black Leader, LINCOLN ABLE, who is struck with the driving need to kill the Grand Dragon.

Mid. Pt: Following Caine’s multiple failed assassination attempts, Caine comes to the conclusion that someone is warning Lincoln.

Second Turning point at end of Act II: In an Iago-esque madness, Caine kills his wife for warning Lincoln because – he wrongly believes – they’ve been having an affair.

Crisis: Caine witnesses Lincoln run down a white man – who Lincoln believes is Caine.

Climax: As the world appears to be ending outside, the two men do a cat and mouse chase in an abandoned cotton processing plant where they are each killed by their own ricocheting bullets.

Resolution: Caine’s daughter and husband stroll their baby past black and white townspeople, who warmly greet them in a newly formed world.

[June f]

Hi Dev, Would you like to exchange comments? June Fortunato, “Retirement”

4. AFTER:

Concept: Mooch (Roy) is turned to caregiver when he allows himself to love and feel loved by

Kim: fellow moocher, is haunted by her past but together, they help each other to blow up the

dark memories and learn to live.

Lead Characters: More development needed for Kim.

She’s crazy because her father abused and shot her. Her family has money. Scene list will

include her watching her family without them knowing.

Roy’s past: the reason he feels that he doesn’t deserve a good life is that during the war, he was a

pyro man. He blew up a group of Viet Cong, but discovered that he’d also murdered innocent

villagers. He was made a ‘hero’ for rescuing his comrades, but never forgave himself for the

innocent lives he took11

What Kim’s family owns is that cabin on the cliff. But Kim fears it, because that’s where her

father used to take her to beat her to a pulp and more, and that’s where he shot her.

Roy thought that she was pretending- how much about the fantasies she told are really real?

At the crisis, Roy sets pyro and the two blow up the house.

Plot number Theme is love, 14, not adventure.

The 9 beats:

1. Opening: Roy is dumped again & lands in the hospital & almost dies. Roy meets Kim in the

hospital in passing.

2. Inciting incident: Roy learns that he has SSI and veteran’s benefits and must get a permanent

pad to get his money by certain date.

Kim steals a car and a bathing suit.

3. First 10 pages: Roy can’t find a place without money and can’t get his money without a place.

Crosscuts between Roy’s life and Kim’s life.

4. First turn: Roy and Kim find each other and begin to bond & run together. A blast!

5. Mid point: Roy can’t convince Kim to settle with him and he leaves her to save himself.

6. Second turn: end of act 2: Roy & Kim discover each other again but she quietly leaves.

7. Crisis: Roy, giving up, decides to commit suicide.

8. Climax: Roy is about to jump, and finds Kim there, too. Kim has come to rescue him. They

both want to blow up their pasts.

Roy, a pyro guy, blows up a cabin on the cliff which houses the dark events of Kim’s past.

Instead of jumping, he convinces Kim that he has a plan to make her happy and they both pull

each other away from the brink.

9. Resolution: together they have a permanent pad, through house sitters- and Roy keeps Kim’s

life happy with pretend mooching.

– Character Arc

Both Roy & Kim: Fear of self – of facing the past and of embracing the future

Roy: doesn’t feel worthy. Kim: cannot get over feeling betrayed.

– Main Conflict, Dramatic Question, Dilemma

Kim doesn’t want to stop running. Roy has to.

Will Roy get his permanent pad in time to get his money?

Roy no longer wants to run and he no longer wants to be alone/half alive.

– Themes

Acceptance/rejection, (self-loathing) trust/fear of trust/betrayal, loneliness/fear of

commitment. Belief & hope.

——————————

Copyright

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  June f.

[Dev Ross]

Yes, June, I’d be delighted to exchange comments with you. No title on my piece yet…

best,

Dev

[Kate Hawkes]

I like that it is a ‘bad’ guy whose story we follow. and that both the ‘good’ guy and ‘bad’ guy end up making the same choice to kill.

The Prot and Antag are sort of both at the same time. Like the Form reflects Content.. Its kind of like a twisted buddy movie but not together…

I like that you take it all the way – they don’t learn in time to save themselves but perhaps in so doing they save the next generation?

I find myself curious to know more about Caine and his daughter’s relationship – and the black boyfriend.. what did he know when about them? and how did she arrive there, growing up with a Grand Dragon for a father?

(I am sure with all the scenes not in this outline it is in there)

I am not seeing how the Crisis (seeing Lincoln run down a white man) is Crisis for Caine..

killing his wife… feels crisis-y partic if they have a good relationship – kind of like he now has nothing to lose.

and maybe the seeing the Lincoln run down the white man is a 2nd turning point?

curious how the physical world at the end is changed (given the opening) – are black and white working together to save the world? so not Mayberry but…

I am certainly hooked

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Kate Hawkes.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Kate Hawkes.

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate Hawkes SLW Version 1

A. CONCEPT

A young actress finds her long absent idealized father in a small rural town but discovers that he is a greedy, dictatorial man, determined to destroy this community in whom she has found a ‘family’. She learns about her dead mother and the family history and must choose between her values as represented by this community and her longing for a father in her life. She joins them in a ‘sting’ operation and puts on a live ‘tell all’ public theatre performance.

B. PLOT CHOICE

#12 Maturation

C. CHARACTER STRUCTURE Protagonist/Antagonist

D. LEAD CHARACTERS (*Name* is an *identity* who *does X in the story*.):

Nia (Protagonist) who becomes a powerful adult facing her father Darrogh (Antagonist)

with the help of Luciana (a mentor figure) who tells her the truth of her history.

E. DRAMATIC QUESTION

Will the community save their land/town and will Nia have courage to stand up to her father

F. MAIN CONFLICT

To help save the land Nia has to come to terms with her father

G. DILEMMA:

Nia has to let go of the vision she held of her father to really see this one and then does she forgive him, be the good daughter, take care him? Or walk away and truly be free of him?

H. THEME:

Keeping secrets doesn’t protect, it disempowers and causes greater distress. Knowing the truth frees us

I. CHARACTER ARC Lead Character

Nia moves from passively longing for an imaginary ‘good’ Father to facing the real ‘bad’ one and making choices based on knowing the whole story of her family and ultimately her needs and rights.

9 BEATS

UPDATED CONCEPT: A young actress finds her long absent idealized father in a small rural town but discovers that he is a greedy, dictatorial man, determined to destroy this community in whom she has found a ‘family’. She learns about her dead mother and the family history and must choose between her values as represented by this community and her longing for a father in her life. She joins them in a ‘sting’ operation and puts on a live ‘tell all’ public theatre performance

1) OPENING SCENE

A desperate crowd at a town meeting, led by Mayor Luciana, discuss how to stay solvent in the face of thfe greedy Darrogh, as a tour bus of actors arrives on the edge of the town, sets up their campsite and Nia falls in love with the beauty of the land musing to her friends on perhaps staying on there after the tour ends.

2) INCITING INCIDENT

Nia meets Darrogh and finds out he is her long-lost father whom she has idolized and when he welcomes her into his palatial home, she has to turn away from the locals she had begun to know, especially Luciana, because having a relationship with her father means more to her than anything.

3) BY PAGE 10

Luciana tells Nia the truth about Darrogh and how he cheated her family out of the ranch and has affected the entire community but Nia believes she can best help by staying with him and that she can turn him around.

4) FIRST TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT ONE

Luciana presents a letter from Darrogh at a town meeting in which he announces he is going to develop a massive landfill on the ranch he ‘bought’ from her family and offering to buy out the other little farms in the area but people have to decide in the next week then the offer is off the table and Nia, secretly at the back of room, is appalled.

5) MID-POINT

Nia sees a nasty side of her father when she tries to talk about the landfill, and Luciana reveals to Nia that she knew her mother, filling her in on her parents’ terrible relationship and when a small group decide to set up a ‘sting’ company purportedly to manage and expand the landfill, Nia suggests that her theatre friends pose as ‘the businessmen’ but she will stay in her father’s house to keep an eye on him and is still hopeful he’ll change.

6) SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT TWO

Darrogh delays signing with the ‘company’ – maybe later in the process – and when he realizes that Nia is hanging out with Luciana, blames her for causing her mother’s death and kicks Nia out of the house. The surveyors and bulldozers arrive so the ‘company’ makes one more offer, adding that the farms he wanted have agreed to sell as part of the deal.

7) CRISIS

Darrogh agrees to the deal if the community name the new landfill after him and Nia has to choose between the father she hoped for and the community whose values she shares, and when finally agreeing with Luciana that Darrogh be publicly exposed, with her troupe creates a ‘play’ to which Darrogh is invited on the pretext of gratitude from the community but will really play out the story so he sees the truth.

8) CLIMAX

Performed outdoors where Nia first fell in love with the land and where the landfill was to have begun, with the ‘dozers under the stage lights, Darrogh sees the con revealed after it is too late to back out, losing everything through the deal he agreed to and from the stage Nia calls him out for the father and person he has been and is.

9) RESOLUTION

The community has their land and the money to develop a back-to-nature retreat center for future sustainability while Darrogh pleads with Nia to forgive him and take him in, and when she tells him he must depend on this community because she is going on with her life, Luciana quietly tells Nia she will find him a place at the returned ranch because she loved Nia’s mother and will do anything to help her daughter be free to leave on the tour bus with the theatre troupe as she had arrived.

[Dana Abbott]

Kate

Your maturation concept of a young daughter coming to terms with the idealized image of her father and the reality of him is a scenario people will identify. The power struggle between father/daughter is always a strong storyline.

And the idea of a beautiful landscape being turned into a landfill carries the maturation theme through the story. It mirrors Nia’s emotion for her father. The image of him (the landscape) to his ugly reality (the landfill) and which will prevail?

Nia using her acting skills to exact revenge on her father, to force him to see himself, is also a unique idea. She uses the tools at her disposal.

I only have a couple of questions to clarify a few issues.

Is Nia returning her hometown to discover her family roots? Or is this a happenstance meeting, traveling with her acting troupe? Or both?

Is the father selling his land to a landfill developer? Or is the father developing the landfill himself and being tricked into selling? I wasn’t sure who was doing what here.

I understand the community is conning the father, and Nia asks her friends/actors to pose businessmen. And the play at the end is to show him the “con,” but the deal is a little confusing to me. I had to reread that part a few times to understand it.

Everything else, the relationship between father/daughter and the community is straightforward, and the maturation idea and character arcs are good.

I would only have a couple of suggestions to consider.

The father is an SOB from beginning to end. And the resolution has Nia siding with the community and sticking it to her father before leaving with her tour.

As a member of the audience, I probably would need to see the father’s evil to feel justified that he got what he deserved. Having Luciana explain her parents’ relationship to Nia gives me the backdrop but not the visual I may need for the experience.

Nia arriving in town to rediscover her mother’s roots only to discover her father by surprise is a great twist. Would you consider having her arrive alone without her acting troupe/tour and call them later for help? This would introduce the new characters required for Act II. And when they portray businessmen, the audience would be in the dark, too. It might add another layer of intrigue/interest.

The father being the bad guy doing bad things works. The only question is whether he would ask for Nia’s forgiveness? Would losing everything at the hand of his daughter change his heart after being so bad for so long? Would someone with his greed seek forgiveness? Or would losing his fortune harden his heart even more? The reason I ask, I have experience with this kind of situation. Family lawsuits. And no one every forgave each other.

You may also want to consider what Nia might lose in the process, too. I understand she arranges for Luciana to care of her father, but no matter what, Darrogh is still her father. How does she feel after what she does? Is there an emotional price to pay?

I hope some of this helps. I think you have a great story here. I’d love to see the final version.

Dana.

[Kate Hawkes]

Thanks you Dana! I have done the rework and hopefully some of your Qs have been answered. You helped me see that I need to be clearer even at this stage on paper, even though it is clear in my head. This 9 sentence constraint is a challenge because of course there are more that 9 scenes in which stuff is shown..

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Kate,

I wanted to read your structure because I’m intrigued by your concept. A daughter/father relationship can be a difficult one as they age. I could see your movie in my mind as I read your story.

You have a strong idea here. I had a bit of confusion on some of the points and had to read your structure a couple of times.

My questions are:

Why does Nia idolize her father before she meets him?

First turning point at end of Act 1: What is the consequence for the town if the offer is off the table?

Why does Darrogh blame Luciana for Nia’s mom’s death?

Isn’t Darrogh already exposed? The town knows that he cheated Luciana’s family out of their ranch. They got the letter from Darrogh saying he’s going to develop the landfill. They have been living around Darrogh in the same town for years…seems they would already know he’s a bad man. I was confused on exactly what is being exposed.

The play is a unique part of the story that can be a terrific highlight. Setting the story all in one basic location will make it desirable to producers. The strong characters will appeal to actors as well. Overall, this is a movie I would watch. Can’t wait to see how it evolves!

I hope this helps. If you don’t mind looking at my Post, I would appreciate the feedback!

[Kate Hawkes]

Thanks you Lisa I have done the rework and hopefully some of your Qs have been answered. You helped me see that I need to be clearer even at this stage on paper, even though it is clear in my head. This 9 sentence constraint is a challenge because of course there are more that 9 scenes in which stuff is shown..

[Arthur Anderson]

Hey Kate:

I really like the concept you have chosen of Nia coming back to her hometown to discover her roots and the plot choice of maturation.

I think you have a good opportunity to explore and reveal the backstory of what led Nia to leave the small town and chose to be an actress. The scenario in the third act where the acting troupe helps her pull off a sting on her father is great.

I was a little confused about how her dad stole the land from her family. Was it stolen from her mother? Was he instrumental in causing her death? Was he responsible for sending Nia off to live with another relative when she was a baby? I’m sure these are elements that will be revealed as you expand the story.

This is something totally from left field, but would it be too much of a twist at the end to discover that Darrough is not her real dad and that’s why he sent her away. Does she discover another man in town is her dad, one of the townspeople she has been working with against Darrough’s plan the whole time? Then Darrough could truly get what he deserves. Just a thought.

Keep up the good work.

Best,

Arthur

[Kate Hawkes]

Thank you Arthur! I have done the rework and hopefully some of your Qs have been answered. You helped me see that I need to be clearer even at this stage on paper, even though it is clear in my head. This 9 sentence constraint is a challenge because of course there are more that 9 scenes in which stuff is shown..

[Anita Gomez]

Kate, you have already received excellent feedback here. I would only add a challenge to brief the concept up, more like a Logline.

“A young actress finds her long absent idealized father in a small rural
town but discovers that he is a greedy, dictatorial man, determined to
destroy this community in whom she has found a ‘family’. She learns
about her dead mother and the family history and must choose between her
values as represented by this community and her longing for a father in
her life. She joins them in a ‘sting’ operation and puts on a live
‘tell all’ public theatre performance.”

Perhaps leaving out some of the descriptive adjectives and rethink including that last sentence? Trust me, I know how difficult it is to get the essence of a story down to one sentence!

[Lisa Paris Long]

Story Logic Web for Feedback

Lisa Long’s SLW Version 1

A. Concept: When Santa is kidnapped by her ex-husband a mom must save him, her ex, and the It’s a Wonderful Life festival.

B. Plot Choice: #14 – Love

C. Character Structure: #3 Romantic Triangle

D. Lead Characters (*Name* is an *identity* who does X in the story*): Mary is a divorced mom who is torn between her ex-husband, Peter and the local winery owner, Joseph who is pursuing her.

E. Dramatic Question: Can Mary choose between Peter and Joseph while saving Santa and pulling off the It’s a Wonderful Life festival?

F. Main Conflict: Mary must stop Santa’s kidnapper when she finds out that he is the father of her two daughters.

G. Dilemma: Mary will have to choose between Peter and Joseph…and between saving Santa or Peter.

H. Theme: She is not alone who has friends and family…and love.

I. Character Arc of Lead Character: Mary goes from pushing people away when they get close to opening for the possibly of love.

Part to be changed: Mary pushes people away when they get too close.

Biggest fear: Being alone forever.

Completion of arc: Mary learns who she can trust and gives in to love.

9 Beat Structure Outline:

Concept: When Santa is kidnapped by her ex-husband a mom must save him, her ex, and the It’s a Wonderful Life festival.

Opening: Mary is organizing the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival. Also, Mary has a secret relationship with her boss at the local winery, Joe. Mary’s ex-husband is out of regular work as a snowmobile repair man because it hasn’t snowed in 3 years.

Inciting Incident: Mary learns from the NORAD that someone has kidnapped Santa at the north pole and are heading for town and the IAWL festival.

By page 10, you know what the movie is about: They know that she is torn between two loves. The audience knows that Santa is missing at the same time the town gets ready for the IAWL festival.

Turning point at end of Act 1: Mary can’t get ahold of her ex-husband.

Mid-Point: Mary starts to suspect that the kidnaped Santa and her husband have something to do with each other.

Turning point at end of Act 2: Mary thinks about what her life would be without her ex-husband.

Crisis: Mary reports Santa missing to the police who laugh at her. Mary calls on the townspeople to help her find Peter.

Climax: Peter wants Santa to tell him how he goes down the chimney. Mary, dressed as Santa, trades places with the real Santa and thwarts the event.

Resolution: Santa vouches for Mary’s ex and tells the police to let him go. It looks like Mary is going to choose the winery boss, but she ends up with her ex-husband after all.

[Matthew Frendo]

Hi Lisa!

First, I really like the concept. Though I don’t know much about rom-coms in general, this sounds like a good premise.

I also think the character arc is great. It works and feels natural. The structure and most questions look great too.

In fact, there are really only two notes I have:

1) with the dilemma, and in general, I would recommend you make it one thing and not more than one. Either make it more about choosing between men or between Santa and Peter. I had two myself first, but then realized that it needs to be one question because that question drives the emotion. If there’s more than one, it could bog down the audience and not give the in depth emotion a single question can bring.

2) I’m not sure why Peter kidnaps Santa, or how he does it. You may have a great answer, but I don’t see it here, so figured I would mention it.

Otherwise, great job! If you don’t mind looking at mine, it would be appreciated!

[Lisa Paris Long]

Lisa Long’s SLW Version 2

A. Concept: When Santa is kidnapped by her ex-husband to pay back taxes, a super mom must save him, her ex, and the It’s a Wonderful Life festival.

B. Plot Choice: #14 – Love

C. Character Structure: #3 Romantic Triangle

D. Lead Characters (*Name* is an *identity* who does X in the story*): Mary is a divorced mom who is torn between her ex-husband, Peter and the local winery owner, Joseph who is pursuing her.

E. Dramatic Question: Can Mary choose between Peter and Joseph while saving Santa and pulling off the It’s a Wonderful Life festival?

F. Main Conflict: Mary must stop Santa’s kidnapper when she finds out that he is the father of her two daughters.

G. Dilemma: Mary will have to choose between Peter and Joseph…and between saving Santa or Peter.

H. Theme: She is not alone who has friends and family…and love.

I. Character Arc of Lead Character: Mary goes from pushing people away when they get close to opening for the possibly of love.

Part to be changed: Mary pushes people away when they get too close.

Biggest fear: Being alone forever.

Completion of arc: Mary learns who she can trust and gives in to love.

9 Beat Structure Outline:

Concept: When Santa is kidnapped by her ex-husband to pay back taxes, a super mom must save him, her ex, and the It’s a Wonderful Life festival.

Opening: Mary is organizing the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival. Also, Mary has a secret relationship with her boss at the local winery, Joe. Mary’s ex-husband is out of regular work as a snowmobile repair man because it hasn’t snowed in 3 years.

Inciting Incident: Mary learns from NORAD that someone has kidnapped Santa at the north pole and are heading for town and the IAWL festival.

By page 10, you know what the movie is about: They know that she is torn between two loves. The audience knows that Santa is missing at the same time the town gets ready for the IAWL festival.

Turning point at end of Act 1: Mary can’t get ahold of her ex-husband.

Mid-Point: Mary starts to suspect that the kidnapped Santa and her husband have something to do with each other.

Turning point at end of Act 2: Mary thinks about what her life would be without her ex-husband.

Crisis: Mary reports Santa missing to the police who laugh at her. Mary calls on the townspeople to help her find Peter.

Climax: Peter wants Santa to tell him how he goes down the chimney. Mary, dressed as Santa, trades places with the real Santa and thwarts the event.

Resolution: Santa vouches for Peter and tells the police to let him go. The town gives Peter the money from the festival to pay his debt and stay out of jail. Joseph agrees to foot the bill for next year’s festival. It looks like Mary is going to choose Joseph, but she ends up with Peter after all.

[Dana Abbott]

Lisa

Love your idea. I laughed out loud when I read it. Would you like to exchange critiques? I just posted my second version. It’s on the second page of this forum.

Dana

[Lisa Paris Long]

Lisa Long’s SLW Version 3

I HAVE CHANGED: Plot Choice, Character Structure, Lead Character description, Character Arc, and several 9-Step structure items including Opening and Resolution.

I decided to not make romance the main conflict, but instead the main events of the story.

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>A. Concept: When Santa is kidnapped by her ex-husband to pay back taxes, a super mom must save him, her ex, and the It’s a Wonderful Life festival.

B. Plot Choice: #12 Transformation or #17 Discovery

C. Character Structure: #2 Rom-Com

D. Lead Characters (*Name* is an *identity* who does X in the story*): Mary is a divorced mom who organizes the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival and is being pursued by Joseph, the local winery owner whom she keeps pushing away because of her daughters.

E. Dramatic Question: Can Mary save Santa while pulling off the It’s a Wonderful Life festival?

F. Main Conflict: Mary must stop Santa’s kidnapper when she finds out that he is the father of her two daughters.

G. Dilemma: Mary will have to choose between saving Santa or her ex-husband, Peter.

H. Theme: She is not alone who has friends and family.

I. Character Arc of Lead Character: Mary must do everything herself and doesn’t like asking for help.

Part to be changed: Mary must learn that she has friends that want to help her.

Biggest fear: Failure.

Completion of arc: Mary learns who she can trust and realizes she can give up control and still be a success.

9 Beat Structure Outline:

Concept: When Santa is kidnapped by her ex-husband to pay back taxes, a super mom must save him, her ex, and the It’s a Wonderful Life festival.

Opening: Mary has taken over the organizing of the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival from her mother. Her ex-husband and the father of her two daughters, Peter, is about to go to jail for not paying back taxes. He hasn’t worked steadily as the owner of a snowmobile shop in 3 years because it hasn’t snowed. The opening scene is Mary, as volunteer firefighter, saving Peter from jumping off the George Bailey bridge.

Inciting Incident: After seeing his daughters watching Santa on the NORAD tracking site, Peter gets the idea to kidnap Santa. He and his girlfriend, Tilly head to the north pole. Mary learns from NORAD that someone has kidnapped Santa at the north pole and are heading for town and the IAWL festival.

By page 10, you know what the movie is about: The audience knows that Santa has been kidnapped by Peter at the same time the town gets ready for the IAWL festival. Government law enforcement officers are in pursuit of Peter and Tilly.

Turning point at end of Act 1: Mary can’t get ahold of her ex-husband to invite him to the house Christmas eve…the day before he is scheduled to go to jail.

Mid-Point: Mary starts to suspect that the kidnapped Santa and her husband have something to do with each other.

Turning point at end of Act 2: Mary knows that Peter is on a destructive path and thinks about what her life would be without him. She must help him.

Crisis: Mary reports Santa missing to the police who laugh at her. Mary turns to the townspeople to help her find Peter.

Climax: Peter wants Santa to tell him how he goes down the chimney. Santa refuses and tries to talk Peter out of further criminal behavior. Mary, dressed as Santa, trades places with the real Santa and thwarts the event.

Resolution: Santa vouches for Peter and tells the police to let him go. The town gives Peter the money from the festival to pay his debt and stay out of jail. Joseph agrees to foot the bill for next year’s festival. Peter and Tilly are at Mary’s on Christmas Day to see the girls. Mary finally decides she loves Joseph and agrees to marry him.

[Dana Abbott]

Lisa

I really like this idea. Kidnapping Santa is unique.

I read your SLW. The 9 beats are on point, and the writing is tight.

I only have a couple of questions.

1) How does kidnapping Santa help Peter pay his back taxes? Is he holding Santa for ransom?

2) In the main conflict, the way it’s worded sounds like Mary doesn’t know who fathered her daughters. I understand you mean Peter, being the father of her daughters, but the wording is just off.

3) Turning at end of act 2, Mary thinks about what her life will like without Peter. In the Resolution, I learn she still loves Peter, but I don’t know that here. So why does she want a life with him at this point having already divorced him? Does that make sense? We may need to know she still loves him at this turning point.

4) At the Climax, what is the event?

I think your story has great imagination. You’re going have fun writing the script. I look forward to reading it.

Dana

[Lisa Paris Long]

Thank you, Dana.

At the beginning, Peter is like George Bailey in It’s a Wonderful Life on the bridge and Mary saves him. He is already desperate when we meet him. But we will see Peter help townspeople out with various chores around their homes. The townspeople respect him and his military service. It’s the reason the town comes to his aid at the end.

Peter’s hair-brained idea is to have Santa teach him how to go down the chimneys, but Santa can’t do that, so Peter has to bring Santa along and make him go down the chimneys and steal the gifts under the trees while the townspeople are at the festival. Peter already has a mafioso-type lined up to buy what he can steal.

I’ve struggled with what to include in the one sentence structure points…there is so much to tell!

You have given me a lot to think about as I try to keep improving my outline. I appreciate your feedback.

[Matthew Frendo]

Hi all! I ended up having two after changing some things and am not sure which is stronger, so any advice is appreciated!

#1

– Concept –

What if the judicial system was switched to social media voting, with those found guilty having to go through livestreamed battles and deadly challenges as people at home vote on their punishment?
– Lead Characters –

Alicia is the girl who was put in “the game” without being voted in like everyone else…and doesn’t know who she is or why she’s there.

John is a violent criminal who was secretly put in there to make sure someone like Alicia (working for rebels) doesn’t survive.

Sam is the unknown force putting them both in the game…with an ulterior motive all his own. (Possibly Alicia’s father)

– Character Arc

Part to be changed: Alicia has no idea who she is or why she was put into this system.

Biggest fear: to be responsible for her innocent people, like her sister, dying this way.

Completion of arc: Find out who she really is – the person who created this system and inadvertently killed her own sister in doing so, until she joined the rebels, who put her into game as a spy, to the person who will sacrifice herself to destroy it.

– Main Conflict, Dramatic Question, Dilemma

. b. Dramatic Question: Why did Alicia get put into this punishment system?
c. Main conflict: Can Alicia and her fellow prisoners make it through the punishment system and survive?
d. Dilemma: Will Alicia escape or finish the job and bring down the system?

– Theme

What do you do when justice isn’t just?

– Plot/Structure

The Riddle – Alicia ends up in the game, even though she is an unknown who did nothing wrong. Now, she has to figure out who put here there…and why…if she plans on making it out alive.

1. Opening Host gives intro into the event and the people who were chosen, including a girl no one ever heard of named Alicia.
2. Inciting Incident. The prisoners’ loved ones are kept in a cage with a bomb…and if they don’t go through the challenges quickly enough, the bomb goes off.
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. First person dies horribly in event after losing their challenge, setting things in motion.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1 Realize they need to become a team to survive and start working together to get out of the challenges.
5. Mid-Point Alicia is pulled into fake room off camera and finds out she is there as part of a resistance. They tell her what to do and that it’s important she doesn’t know who she is.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2. A favorite young prisoner is killed in the contest unfairly…and Alicia makes sure the audience sees it in horrifying detail.
7. Crisis. Alicia has a choice: she can save her wretched father or find out who did this to her, why they did it and get revenge.
8. Climax Alicia finds the people who put here there. She puts them all into the challenges and releases the information she unknowingly had on them and what they are doing to the world.
9. Resolution She leaves the challenges.

#2

– Concept –

What if the judicial system was switched to social media voting, with those found guilty having to go through livestreamed battles and deadly challenges as people at home vote on their punishment?
– Lead Characters –

Alicia is a hardened criminal who doesn’t care about anyone…until she meets young rebel named Jocelyn in the games.

Jocelyn is a young girl who put herself in the games to help the rebels beat the authority after they destroyed her mother.

Sam is the man who runs the game and will do anything to keep the authority in power.

– Character Arc

Part to be changed: Alicia is a hardened criminal who cares about no one and nothing.

Biggest fear: to be forgotten as a nobody like her mother.

Completion of arc: puts others above herself as she helps the rebels at the expense of her own personal safety

– Main Conflict, Dramatic Question, Dilemma

. b. Dramatic Question: Will the rebels be able to topple the corrupt system and free the other innocent prisoners?
c. Main conflict: Can Alicia and her fellow prisoners make it through the punishment games and survive?
d. Dilemma: Will Alicia escape with her own life or help the rebels topple the system?

– Theme

To be the hero you truly are, you must sacrifice what you used to be.

– Plot/Structure

Ascension – a hardened criminal finds herself unwillingly becoming the compassionate hero she was meant to be, as she rises up against the authority, level by level.

1. Opening Host gives intro into the event and the people who were chosen, including a girl named Alicia.
2. Inciting Incident. The prisoners’ loved ones are kept in a cage with a bomb…and if they don’t go through the challenges quickly enough, the bomb goes off.
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. First person dies horribly in event after losing their challenge, setting things in motion.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1 Realize they need to become a team to survive and start working together to get out of the challenges.
5. Mid-Point They are all is pulled into fake room off camera and find out Jocelyn is there as part of a resistance. They can’t tell anyone or the authorities will kill them all, so now they almost have to help her.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2. Young innocent Jocelyn is killed in the contest unfairly…and Sam makes sure the audience sees it in horrifying detail.
7. Crisis. Alicia has a choice: she can help the rebels (and save Jocelyn’s father like she promised) or escape with her own life.
8. Climax Alicia finds the people who put here there. She puts them all into the challenges and releases the information she unknowingly had on them and what they are doing to the world, along with the rebel leaders who let Jocelyn die for their cause.
9. Resolution She leaves the challenges a hero to the people.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Matthew,

First, thank you for recognizing that my story is a Rom-Com and for the helpful feedback! I wasn’t sure if Rom-Com would come through when reading my story information.

Second, I can see your movie in my mind when I read your plot structure. It conjured up visions of NERVE and the HUNGER GAMES. But it isn’t a copy-cat by any means.

I read both of your versions…I think one is named “The Riddle” and the other “Ascension”. I prefer “Ascension”. To me it is a cleaner version. It flows well and it makes sense.

In the plot structure for “The Riddle”, #7 Crisis: I didn’t understand why Alicia would save her wretched father, but maybe it will show in the story as you write it. I think your Resolution for “Ascension” is stronger too. Overall, I think “Ascension” is a winner!

[Arthur Anderson]

Hey Matthew:

I really like your 2^nd concept. Alicia being a criminal gives her arc a much more interesting path to cover over the course of the film.

I think one thing that might give the audience a stronger emotional connection to her is to reveal why she became a hardened criminal. Perhaps Jocelyn reminds her of her little sister (flashback) who was killed in gang violence. Her desire for revenge against them led her to become a hardened criminal. Perhaps she runs into them in the game and is conflicted on whether to take revenge on them or save Jocelyn.

You have a great story here with a lot of room to explore the characters.

Keep up the good work.

Best,

Arthur

[Anita Gomez]

Hi Matthew,

I also like the second version of your concept, “Ascension”. I find the whole idea intriguing and somewhat reminiscent of an old movie called “Roller Ball” with themes of corporate entities pulling the strings of us lowly individuals, who must literally fight to the death to survive. I look forward to reading more as the outline gets fleshed out.

-Anita

[Matthew Frendo]

Hit wrong button. Sorry.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Matthew Frendo.

[Arthur Anderson]

[PS81] Arthur’s SLW Version 1

1. List the following key components of your story:

A. Concept:

When a coronal mass ejection (CME) from the sun destroys all electronic technology on earth, casting civilization back to the 1800s, six astronauts and one reporter on the international research spacecraft Reliant must adapt the experimental Tesla Shield technology that saved their spacecraft to shield humanity from a larger earth-destroying CME just days away.

B. Plot Choice:

Plot Choice #9 – Underdog

When a coronal mass ejection from the sun destroys most of the earth’s electronics, casting civilization back to the 1800s, the international research spacecraft Reliant is earth’s only hope against the next larger CME approaching in 48 hours. Captain Reilly Ryan must lead her international crew to adapt and super-size the electromagnetic Tesla shield that saved their craft to protect the earth from the next earth-destroying solar storm. With no way to get the elements they need from the earth to upgrade their shield; the crew uses the untested near-light-speed engine to travel to the unmanned moon base to acquire a fission generator. A CME, that misses earth, hits the moon just as their shuttle lifts off from the base to dock with the Reliant. The Reliant’s shield protects both crafts but not without damage. Arriving back in earth orbit just moments before the next CME strikes, the crew activates the Tesla Shield averting disaster for humanity; but at the cost of one of the crew.

C. Character Structure:

With this international group of characters forced to work in a confined environment, the professional veneer of working together on a professional and personal level will be tested and refined in the crucible of making life-threatening decisions that not only affect themselves but the future of humanity on the planet. Cultural and personal differences will be pushed to their limits, forcing the arc of their characters to be changed for a purpose that is greater than themselves.

Protagonist: Reilly Ryan – US white female Captain of the International Research Spaceship Reliant and nuclear physicist, PhD.
Antagonist: The approaching earth-destroying solar storm.

D. Lead Characters (*Name* is an *identity* who *does X in the story*.)

Reilly Ryan – US white female Captain of the International Research Spaceship Reliant and nuclear physicist, PhD. Reilly worked her way up through the ranks the hard way and now must use all her skill-sets to bring together an international crew to solve one of the most difficult problems anyone has ever encountered to save humanity. As the pilot and only survivor of a five-crew aborted launch and ocean crash landing four years ago, Reilly must overcome the scars from her last mission to lead a new international crew on a hazardous journey to save the earth.

Chase Douglas – US black male 1st Officer and celestial navigation specialist. PhD. Passed over for command on this mission. He is a former Navy Top Gun fighter pilot who is smart, talented, and sometimes too ambitious. His ego sometimes leads him into conflict with his superiors. His ability to fly-anything will be key to making the unplanned hazardous journey to the moon and back.

Tara Cooper – French black female scalar and Quantum physicist, PhD. An only child who worked her way through college, master’s, and her Ph.D. by working in a winery. She patented a frequency modulation device that reduced the aging time of the vintner’s now international best-selling wine in half which made her a small fortune. She is here because she loves her work not because she needs the money. Her knowledge of quantum and scalar physics will be crucial to using a combination of energy, frequency and vibration to modify the capabilities of the Tesla Shield to protect the earth from the CME.

Diego Quinn – Hispanic male life science specialist. MD., PhD. He is not really enamored with working in space and is more surprised than anyone that he is on this mission. His invention of an implant that monitors the body’s vitals and reactions to radiation and magnetic fields sealed the deal. He views this as a short-term assignment that will leapfrog his career in research ahead by decades. He will be called upon to some up with a serum to protect the crew from the massive electromagnetic fields they will be generating.

Nico Lee – Chinese female anti-matter propulsion physicist, PhD. She competed against thousands of candidates for this position which left little time for emotional interaction with other people. There is no one smarter in this field or lonelier because of it than her. As the top anti-matter specialist in her field, Nico’s knowledge will be stretched to it’s outer limits as she is forced to reconfigure the anti-matter generator from powering the ship to near light speed to powering an untested global shield.

Oleg Ryakin – Russian male Mechanical engineer, Ph.D. – Oleg would not have made it past all the political appointees vying for his spot if he had not designed the antimatter containment field that powers the ship. He grew up in the tough mafia-controlled neighborhoods of Moscow and does not suffer incompetence or fools. Oleg will have to devise a mechanical link between Tara’s scalar and Nico’s anti-matter theoretical models to power the adapted Tesla Shield without blowing the ship apart.

Skyler Hardwick – British female pool reporter chosen to broadcast special reports on the maiden voyage of the trillion-dollar international research spacecraft, Reliant, as it goes through its earth orbit testing. She used every political, financial, and bordering on blackmail of the Royal Family influence to get this assignment. She’s digging for a story deeper than the Reliant mission to propel her career to an anchor desk. She becomes part of the crews mission when she must assist the Captain on retrieving the components they need from the surface of the unmanned moon base.

E. Dramatic Question:

Will Captain Ryan be able to lead the crew of the Reliant to save the earth from the approaching extinction-level Coronal Mass Ejection from the sun?

F. Main Conflict:

The crew of the Reliant must adapt an untested Tesla shield technology to save the earth from extinction-level Coronal Mass Ejection from the sun within 48 hours.

G. Dilemma:

With no way for the crew of the Reliant to receive any help from NASA to adapt their untested Tesla shield, Capt. Reilly Ryan must lead her crew on an unplanned hazardous journey to the moon to retrieve the necessary components from an unmanned moon base, adapt their Tesla shield on their return journey, and get into position to defend earth before the next Coronal Mass Ejection from the sun arrives, in just 48 hours.

H. Theme:

Individuals working together with a common goal are more effective than individuals working alone.

I. Character Arc of Lead Character:

Captain Reilly Ryan learns that some decisions must be made for the greater good no matter what the consequences.

2. Post the current version of your outline in the forums

9 Beat Plot Structure

1. Opening

Pool reporter Skyler Hardwick’s live broadcast introduces the crew of the International Deep Space Research Spacecraft Reliant and their mission to test a new Tesla Space Shield for interstellar travel. The broadcast is interrupted by an emergency transmission from NASA.

2. Inciting Incident

NASA informs the Reliant a Coronal Mass Ejection that was thought to be bypassing earth, masked a larger one behind it that will hit the earth and the Reliant in minutes. With no time to use the shuttle to return to earth before the CME hits, Captain Reilly and the crew determine that using the untested Tesla Shield is their only hope of surviving. A scramble begins to initiate the shield before the CME arrives.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

The Tesla Shield saves the crew of the Reliant, however, the electronics on earth have been knocked out. Analyzing a solar observation satellite, the crew discovers an extinction-level CME is headed to earth in 48 Hours. They determine the Tesla Shield may be modified to save the earth but they need a lot more power. With no help from earth available, they will have to journey to the unmanned moon base to retrieve a nuclear reactor.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1

As the crew prepares the Reliant to travel to the moon, a large satellite damaged by the CME heads directly for them. With the anti-matter engine not yet ready to fire and the Tesla Shield down from CME damage. The crew is forced to use a plasma cannon to destroy the satellite. The shock wave from the resulting explosion of the satellite causes the Reliant to spin out of control. With great effort and some injuries to the crew, the Reliant is stabilized and the journey to the moon begins with less than full power from engine damage from the explosion.

5. Mid-Point

With other members of the crew needed to maneuver the Reliant in a sling-shot orbit around the moon. Captain Reilly must enlist the aid of the pool reporter, Skyler, to help her retrieve the reactor from the moon base. Skyler is shocked to learn the only way to get to the moon base is by crash landing the shuttle near the base and then using the earth return lunar spacecraft at the moon base to rendezvous with the Reliant. A new solar update indicates a CME is headed toward the moon. If Reilly and Skyler are caught in the open on the moon, they will be obliterated.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2

As the crew struggles with its damaged systems of the Reliant to keep it on a sling-shot orbit around the moon, Captain Reilly and Skyler crash land the shuttle by the moon base. With difficulty, they retrieve the reactor and load it onto the earth return lunar spacecraft. However, it will not launch! A quick workaround by Oleg, the mechanical engineer, allows them to lift off just as the CME strikes the moon destroying the base, its destructive path following Reilly and Skyler. Reilly struggles with the spacecraft, not designed for what they are making it do, and barely makes it to the Reliant in time for the repaired Tesla Shield to protect them from the CME.

7. Crisis

The new reactor is barely installed as the Reliant takes a position to defend the earth. However, the Tesla mask which must be extended for the shield to work is damaged and will not deploy. With every possibility explored and failed, Chase Douglas, the first officer, sneaks off to the cargo bay, suits up, and exits on the space tug.

8. Climax

The crew discovers Chase attaching the space tug to the Tesla mask. Against their vociferous protest, Chase uses the tug to extend the mask just as the CME is about to hit. With no time for him to return to the ship, he begs Reilly to engage the shield: a death sentence for him. Tearfully, Reilly puts her hand on the red engage button. The other members of the crew put their hands over hers and they all push together. The shield spreads like a lotus blossom as Chase disappears in a flash of light. The CME slams into the shield which deflects its destructive power away from the earth. The Reliant is buffeted as its systems alarms blare with overload warnings but the Tesla Shield holds and the CME safely passes by the earth.

9. Resolution

A saddened crew is surprised when NASA contacts them from Cheyenne mountain in Colorado. They have been receiving Skyler’s broadcasts throughout the Reliant’s entire adventure. NASA and the world owe them a debt of gratitude that may never be repaid. A crew will be launched within 90 days to relieve them. The crew of the reliant are no longer professional co-workers from individual countries. They are also more than friends bound together by the crucible of near-death experiences and the bonds of mutual commitment, sacrifice, and loss.

[Kate Hawkes]

Can we exchange feedback? I am at #6 above

[Arthur Anderson]

Yes. Let’s exchange Kate.

Arthur

[Matthew Frendo]

Hey Arthur! Want to partner up and exchange feedback?

[Arthur Anderson]

Hey Mathew. Yes. Let’s exchange feedback.

Arthur

[Kate Hawkes]

Thank you Arthur and pre-amble – I am not a sci-fi person but this was interesting to me..Great set up!

Kind of cool the entire story happens in space.. it seems
and/or flashbacks to their land/earth lives?

The timeline of the action seems a bit off- does this all happen in minutes? as per the (inciting incident) or 48 hours?

is it maybe an Ensemble Character structure with lots of room for each character to have interpersonal conflicts and evolve against the back drop of this CME

with more focus on the characters rather than the technology?
so we care ALOT about people – and have the ones we root for etc – as they try to do this…

Mmm it might change the plot type…

I am a but puzzled – is the world back in 1800?
if so then how is the Station in CO working at the end?
and if not.. then.. does it matter? It seems the issue at hand is bad enough!

The Dilemma seems to read more as an expansion of the main conflict rather than a choice of actions Ch A vs CH B..

Be a very fun movie for the Virtual Reality people to make!

[Arthur Anderson]

Thanks for the input Kate. It’s great to have a fresh set of eyes look at the film.

Best,

Arthur

[Matthew Frendo]

Hey Arthur!

I like this concept! I’m a sci-fi fan and think this will work well with the genre.

I also think the characters are strong. My only comment here is that I think we are supposed to limit main characters to just 3. But the characters are good either way.

I think the plot choice works well. I do think the antagonist should be a person and not the event. In Jaws, for example, the antagonist isn’t the shark…it’s the hardcore fisherman. I think it would be the same here.

I also think the character arc can be stronger if done in the format they gave us. Just for reference, that would be this:

Part to be changed:
Biggest fear:
Completion of arc:

The last thing I’ll mention is the dilemma. It usually is an emotional choice with no good decision. For instance, it could be: should they save themselves and let others die or put their own lives on the line to save Earth? It obviously doesn’t have to be exactly this, but some bad choice like it.

Overall, I think it could be a great film! The outline looks strong and the science aspect is really interesting too! You definitely got something good going here!

Mine is above yours. Look forward to hearing your thoughts!

[Arthur Anderson]

Hey Matthew. Thanks for your thoughts. When you are in the woods cutting down the trees sometimes you lose the overview of the forest.

Best,

Arthur

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s SLW Version 1

Concept:

A schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder calls a radio psychiatrist and warns that his more dominant and violent personality will kill one member of the psychiatrist’s kidnapped family every hour on air unless the psychiatrist can excise the personality before the end of the show.

Plot Choice: #8 – Rivalry

Character Structure: #1 Protagonist vs. Antagonist

Lead Characters:

Protagonist: Dr. Ellen – The radio psychiatrist trying to save her family

Protagonist: Detective – The head of the police investigation trying to find the patient/caller

Antagonist: Patient/Caller – The schizophrenic caller threating to killer Dr. Ellen’s family.

Dramatic Question:

Will the psychiatrist stop the patient/caller from murdering her family?

Main Conflict:

An ex-patient takes a radio psychiatrist’s family hostage and threatens to kill them if she doesn’t excise his more violent personality.

Dilemma:

Can she overcome her insecurities to manipulate the patient/caller into harming himself to save her family?

Theme:

Vengeance is best served cold.

Plot/Structure:

1. Opening:

In traffic, heading to work, Ellen (last name) receives a call from her husband telling her that his car won’t start, and that he’s using Uber to drop their children off at school late before heading work. He asks her to pick them up, and they have a fight over responsibility.

At work, she has a meeting with her station manager. They discuss her low ratings and how she needs to improve them. She professes ratings are secondary to helping her patients.

2. Inciting Incident:

Dr. Ellen receives a call on air from a patient suffering from multiple personality disorder who tells her that his violent personality has kidnapped her family and is threatening to kill them.

Believing the call is a crank, Dr. Ellen calls her husband to confirm her family’s safety, but his phone goes to voicemail. Her children also have not arrived at school yet. Concerned, but not panicked, the station calls the police.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about:

A violent schizophrenic has kidnapped her family and is about to play a game of life and death with her.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1:

The patient calls back and puts her husband on the call. He confirms that he and their daughters have been kidnapped.

5. Midpoint:

Unable to talk her patient down on air, the violent personality forces her to choose one member of her family to be killed. Unable to choose, she screams at him not to harm her daughters, and by default she has chosen her husband who is shot on air.

With the police unable to find the caller, Dr. Ellen decides to extract the patient’s suppressed, manic-depressive personality and manipulate him to save her daughters.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2:

Having successfully drawn the manic-depressive personality from her patient, she manipulates him to commit suicide to save her daughters.

7. Crisis:

The violent personality reemerges to foil the psychiatrist’s plan.

8. Climax:

She pits the two personalities against each other, pushing the patient to kill himself before his violent side can killer one of her daughters. The gun goes off. Nothing is known…until the cops kick the door and find the man dead. Her daughters are saved.

9. Resolution:

The detective who managed the investigation from the radio station, puts Dr. Ellen in the back of a car to take her to her daughters. They wave goodbye to each other. It’s over.

At the station, the detective receives a phone call from a physician at a hospital. He informs the detective that the patient/caller had been held for observation and was released that morning. The detective realizes there had to be someone else involved.

Aerial shot over the city. Another radio show is talking about Dr. Ellen’s nightmare when the host receives a call. It’s the patient/caller who says, “Love your show. Long time listener. First time caller.”

Character Arc:

Protagonist: Dr. Ellen – Anxious radio host to powerful psychiatrist who saves her family

Protagonist: Detective – Reluctant investigator to zealot determined to find the caller.

Antagonist: Caller/Patient – Schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder to cold-blooded murderer.

[Kate Hawkes]

Request for Exchange – kate # 6. can we exchange?

[Dana Abbott]

Hi Kate

Love to exchange ideas with you.

[Kate Hawkes]

Hi Dana!

re Concept: I was hooked by the idea of a multiple personality doing the kidnapping.

Should the concept include the Ellen part? as she is the protragonist..

Great role for an actress
I love the delving into the mind and different personalities

Dilemma is tricky.. as I understand it is an either/or choice and each has a cost to the person making it. It has to do with how to solve/deal with the main conflict…I think..
I keep muddling it with the conflict or problem..

It seems she has an ethical dilemma.. to mess with a person’s mind to get him to kill himself to save her kids.. Oooh!

I’m not seeing how the Theme as stated fits the action/plot
..sometimes you have to do bad things to do good things?

You set up poor ratings in the opening scene – maybe come round to that again?

Is the movie about Ellen having to save her family from this madman?
so maybe 4, happens in 3?

if the Detective is a co-protagonist what is his relationship with Ellen? can that be more?
or is he just a guy doing his job..

not entirely sure what happened in the resolution.
so it wasn’t her patient? either way he is dead…

is it Ellen’s now hi-rating show?

I do get that it is set up for a sequel!

So much good stuff here!!

it just feels a little confusing as relating to each of those components

2. Did the writer get to the essence of the Dramatic Question and Main Conflict?
3. Does the Dramatic Question show up in the Structure?
4. Is the Main Conflict, Dilemma, and Theme represented in the Structure?

I am looking forward to the next rendition!

[Dana Abbott]

Hi Kate

Thanks for the feedback. Rereading, I can see where the confusion might be. Ellen is the focus. We experience everything through her. The caller is heard and never seen.

I also need to explain in greater detail what happens at each beat. (i.e. the first call at the inciting incident needs to be more developed; the detective’s relationship with Ellen, his strength keeping her going to save her children, pushing the race against time; that Ellen doesn’t actually make the choice of who dies, it’s forced upon her; she has to turn against her medial ethics; etc.)

And I changed my theme. I need to change it back. How far would you go to save another?

You make some good points. It’s nice to have another set of eyes.

Thanks again. I’ll let you know when I post the revision.

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Dana!

Want to exchange feedback?

[Dana Abbott]

Hi Cameron

Sure. I’d appreciate your feedback. I’ll read your SLW an get back ASAP.

[Cameron Martin]

Sweet! I see you’ve already been given some pretty great notes, and I don’t want to risk sounding repetitive. Looking forward to seeing your second pass! I’ll be happy to review your work then, if you’re still interested!

[June f]

Hi Dana, would you like to exchange comments or is your dance card full? Here’s my story, revised/ filled in after getting Dev’s comments: June Fortunato’s RETIREMENT

4. AFTER: Concept: Mooch (Roy) is turned to caregiver when he allows himself to love and feel loved by Kim, a fellow moocher, who’s haunted by her past – and together, they help each other to blow up the dark memories and learn to live.

Recurring motif: a cabin on top of a cliff.

Lead Characters:

CRAZYASS ROY is an endearing wild man. He feels that he doesn’t deserve a good life because during the war, he was a pyro man. He blew up a group of Viet Cong, but discovered that he’d also murdered innocent villagers. He was made a ‘hero’ for rescuing his comrades, but never forgave himself for the innocent lives he took. He has a big heart- but get too close and he’ll do something damaging to get away from anyone’s sympathy.

KIM: She’s also mooch and crashed for almost as long as Roy. She acts crazy to keep people away. Her father abused and shot her. She prefers homelessness to her family who are well off. Kim’s family owns that cabin on the cliff. But Kim fears it, because that’s where her father used to take her to beat her to a pulp and more, and that’s where he shot her. How much about the fantasies she tells are really real? At the crisis, Roy sets pyro and the two blow up the house.

Plot number Theme is love, 14.

The 9 beats for RETIREMENT.

1. Opening: Roy is dumped again, steals a van, deliberately crashes it, lands in the hospital & almost dies. Roy meets Kim in the hospital, who’s recovering from a bullet wound. He’s sparked by her, she knows it, and therefore takes off before he can get close.

2. Inciting incident: In court, Roy learns that he has SSI and veteran’s benefits and must get a

permanent pad to get his money by certain date or his claim will expire. Also, his body can’t do this homelessness for much longer. He has liver disease. CROSSCUTS Kim steals a car, a bathing suit and then another car and she’s on the run. She’s interested in Roy, which is why she took off fast. Nonetheless, she really knows the swank places to crash and eat for free.

3. First 10 pages: Roy can’t find a place without money and he can’t get his money without a

place. He doesn’t like to work but slides in on a film set as a pyro tech- eating, sleeping in the

honey wagon and with new pals- until payday, when the union bosses discover that he doesn’t

work there at all. CROSSCUTS between Roy’s life and Kim’s life- both crash places. They cross paths at a distance. Kim’s visit to look at the cabin and the cliff must be in this beat. She contemplates suicide. Her mother sees her at a distance and ignores her. She acts out by stealing her mother’s car. Recurring image of Kim’s cliff. Roy somehow always finds her again at the cliff.

4. First turn: Roy and Kim find each other again and he charms her. They begin to bond & run together. A blast! The arc of the scenes is: sunshine, then very dark, then sunshine again. Kim lands a trusted house sitter job- Roy is smitten by how clever Kim is. The woman who owns the house is in the hospital for an undetermined length, and they pet sit and live the life- food, booze, pets! shelter, heat, even media access. Bliss. At one point, in an amusement park, a company family picnic pushes Roy’s huge loss/guilt button and he’s distraught. He goes wild jumps onto a stage- fake six shooters and spurs and chaps- wild Roy- and he pulls Kim onto the stage- she hates it- It’s a horrific scene. He melts down. Roy starts a progression of scenes where he slowly comes to terms with his past. Kim, so close, helps but also triggers these things, and she stays by him until she pulls him out of it. His facing the past, his fear and abject self-loathing resonates with Kim so she disappears too close for comfort. But after a bad night in her stolen car, she comes back.

5. Mid point: Roy can’t convince Kim to settle with him and he leaves Kim to save himself. Roy and Kim visit the hospitalized owner of the house-sit to keep her up to date on the pets and home. They sneak the lady’s pets in to see her, This thrills the lady no end. She bonds with Roy and Kim this is the beginning of her trust in them. She’s taken with them as a couple. Her encouragement leads Roy think that maybe he really can have joy. On a thrilling adventure, Roy lets slip that he’s smitten with Kim and wants to stay with her but his time is running out. Instead of just disappearing, she flatly refuses. Heartbroken, that’s why he has to leave. Heartbroken, she goes on a scam bender.

6. Second turn: end of act 2: Roy & Kim discover each other again but she quietly leaves. They rediscover each other at the hospital, visiting the lady. More visits with the lady in the hospital and sneaking the pets in. The lady is upset that the perfect couple, and perfect petsitters aren’t together anymore. She makes a deal that if they promise to stay together, she’ll consider leaving her house and pets to them in her will. While at the hospital, the staff tells them that the lady is being moved to hospice. The nurses in hospice discourage pets because it lengthens people’s lives. While there, they learn that Kim sees the medal of honor tucked into an old towel, and learns that he saved his guys so how does his killing of villagers come out? How does Kim know? How does she help him come to grips with it? Roy finally gives up his past- why he lives this life, why he acts this way. It’s because, finally, despite the fact that Kim’s so elusive, he trusts her. She has his heart.

7. Crisis: Roy, giving up, decides to commit suicide. At the cliffside- a recurring motif and

location.

8. Climax: Roy is about to jump, and finds Kim there, too. Kim has come to rescue him. They both want to blow up their pasts. Kim catches Roy contemplating suicide and finally tells her truth. Fiercely empathetic, Roy blows up the cliffside cabin of her dark past. Roy has a plan to stay mischievous. “Settle down” does not mean to ‘settle” Roy, a pyro guy, blows up a cabin on the cliff which houses the dark events of Kim’s past. Instead of jumping, he convinces Kim that he has a plan to make her happy and they both pull each other away from the brink.

9. Resolution: together they have a permanent pad, through house sitters- and Roy keeps Kim’s life happy with pretend mooching and lots of smooching. He will pre-pay everything and make her believe that they’re getting over on people. He has convinced the woman that they will take care of her pets and home. They get the pets back and win the house and stay by her bedside when she passes.

[Dana Abbott]

Hi June

Love to. I’ll read your SLW and get back ASAP. Love to hear your critique of mine.

[June f]

Dana Abbott

Member

February 17, 2022 at 6:16 am

PS81 – Dana’s SLW Version 1

Concept:

A schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder calls a radio psychiatrist and warns that his more dominant and violent personality will kill one member of the psychiatrist’s kidnapped family every hour on air unless the psychiatrist can excise the personality before the end of the show.

My social work sister in law corrected my confusion on schizophrenic vs multiple personality. You may want to look into that- she was hot under the collar! Here’s what google says: “Search instead for can somebody be a schizophrenic and a multiple personality simultaneously the idea that people with schizophrenia have more than one personality is a common misconception, experts said. There is, however, an illness that causes people to adopt different personalities. That phenomenon is known as dissociative identity disorder (DID).Jul 13, 2016“

I like the concept a lot and think it would be very popular, because deranged people are intriguing. It seems to me that the struggle is a three-way struggle: that of the caller, his other self, and the psychiatrist. Therefore, it’s two against one. The intriguing question is how and when does the Dominant one take over? And when does the one asking for help get on the line? How distinguishable are they? I read one of your responses- that the caller doesn’t appear on screen. Although you may want to reveal the person in parts- say, just the mouth now, a hand now, etc, I’m not sure why you limit your visuals this way- although I understand that a disembodied voice is creepy. For sure, a director will want to show the caller- otherwise, you’ll have mostly one character on the screen all of the time- and that’s hard to carry. How can the psychiatrist be sure that her family is actually kidnapped? Do one of the kids talk?

Plot Choice: #8 – Rivalry

Does Rivalry mean between the two personalities? I’d like to also suggest “Escape” #5, the caller and his/her attempt to escape the Dom… or “Rescue” #4.

Character Structure: #1 Protagonist(s) vs. Antagonist Two protagonists, right? <i style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>That’s what makes the hook so compelling- a person is battling themselves, and the collateral damage is Ellen’s family and Ellen.

Lead Characters:

Protagonist: Dr. Ellen – The radio psychiatrist trying to save her family Protagonist: Detective – The head of the police investigation trying to find the patient/caller

Like Kate, who sent comments, I don’t understand how the detective is involved in the story.

Antagonist: Patient/Caller – The schizophrenic caller threatening to kill Dr. Ellen’s family.

Yes. I think though, that it has to be a personal vendetta. Perhaps when you have more of the backstory fleshed out – such as- this former patient- is this a weird neighbor who stalks Dr Ellen’s kids? Is it a big reveal to figure out who this person is- the local Priest? Someone surprising?

Dramatic Question:

Will the psychiatrist stop the patient/caller from murdering her family?

Main Conflict: An ex-patient takes a radio psychiatrist’s family hostage and threatens to kill them if she doesn’t excise his more violent personality.

Dilemma:

Can she overcome her insecurities to manipulate the patient/caller into harming himself to save her family?

Perhaps the question is “Ethics” I’m not sure why she would be insecure, since she’s got a talk <i style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>show, and when it comes to one’s kids- “fierce” comes out. People will walk in traffic to save <i style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>their kids.

The dilemma is ‘two bad choices’ The talk show is a public forum. The world is listening, and whatever she says is her reputation and paycheck and license. It the dilemma instead, losing her license vs losing her family?

Theme: Vengeance is best served cold.

Plot/Structure:

1. Opening: In traffic, heading to work, Ellen (last name) receives a call from her husband telling her that his car won’t start, and that he’s using Uber to drop their children off at school late before heading work. He asks her to pick them up, and they have a fight over responsibility. At work, she has a meeting with her station manager. They discuss her low ratings and how she needs to improve them. She professes ratings are secondary to helping her patients.

2. Inciting Incident: Dr. Ellen receives a call on air from a patient suffering from multiple personality disorder who tells her that his violent personality has kidnapped her family and is threatening to kill them. Believing the call is a crank, Dr. Ellen calls her husband to confirm her family’s safety, but his phone goes to voicemail. Her children also have not arrived at school yet. Concerned, but not panicked, the station calls the police.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: A violent schizophrenic has kidnapped her family and is about to play a game of life and death with her. Is the DOM the uber driver?

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: The patient calls back and puts her husband on the call. He confirms that he and their daughters have been kidnapped.

5. Midpoint: Unable to talk her patient down on air, the violent personality forces her to choose one member of her family to be killed. Unable to choose, she screams at him not to harm her daughters, and by default she has chosen her husband who is shot on air.

That’s harsh and we want her to outsmart this weirdo. Instead of her husband, how about if she <i style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>told him to take her, instead? <i style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Must get around the fact that phones have trackers. So does the DOM’s phone.

With the police unable to find the caller, Dr. Ellen decides to extract the patient’s suppressed, manic-depressive personality and manipulate him to save her daughters.

Did Dad die? What did the kids do during the skirmish? This could be a truly dramatic scene.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2:

Having successfully drawn the manic-depressive personality from her patient, she manipulates him to commit suicide to save her daughters.

A complex and emotional highlight.

7. Crisis: The violent personality reemerges to foil the psychiatrist’s plan.

8. Climax:

She pits the two personalities against each other, pushing the patient to kill himself before his violent side can killer one of her daughters. The gun goes off. Nothing is known…until the cops kick the door and find the man dead. Her daughters are saved. Eeek. What about Dad?

9. Resolution: The detective who managed the investigation from the radio station, puts Dr. Ellen in the back of a car to take her to her daughters. They wave goodbye to each other. It’s over. At the station, the detective receives a phone call from a physician at a hospital. He informs the detective that the patient/caller had been held for observation and was released that morning. The detective realizes there had to be someone else involved.

Good twist.

Aerial shot over the city. Another radio show is talking about Dr. Ellen’s nightmare when the host receives a call. It’s the patient/caller who says, “Love your show. Long time listener. First time caller.”

I don’t follow. Is this another wacko? Or the detective? The ending reminds me of “sorry, wrong <i style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>number”

Character Arc:

Protagonist: Dr. Ellen – Anxious radio host to powerful psychiatrist who saves her family

Protagonist: Detective – Reluctant investigator to zealot determined to find the caller.

Antagonist: Caller/Patient – Schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder to cold-blooded

murderer.

Kate Hawkes

Member

February 17, 2022 at 6:45 pm

Hi Dana!

re Concept: I was hooked by the idea of a multiple personality doing the kidnapping.

Should the concept include the Ellen part? as she is the protragonist..

Great role for an actress

I love the delving into the mind and different personalities

Dilemma is tricky.. as I understand it is an either/or choice and each has a cost to the person

making it. It has to do with how to solve/deal with the main conflict…I think..

I keep muddling it with the conflict or problem..

It seems she has an ethical dilemma.. to mess with a person’s mind to get him to kill himself to

save her kids.. Oooh!

I’m not seeing how the Theme as stated fits the action/plot

..sometimes you have to do bad things to do good things?

You set up poor ratings in the opening scene – maybe come round to that again?

Is the movie about Ellen having to save her family from this madman?

so maybe 4, happens in 3?

if the Detective is a co-protagonist what is his relationship with Ellen? can that be more?

or is he just a guy doing his job..

not entirely sure what happened in the resolution.

so it wasn’t her patient? either way he is dead…

is it Ellen’s now hi-rating show?

I do get that it is set up for a sequel!

So much good stuff here!!

it just feels a little confusing as relating to each of those components

2. Did the writer get to the essence of the Dramatic Question and Main Conflict?

3. Does the Dramatic Question show up in the Structure?

4. Is the Main Conflict, Dilemma, and Theme represented in the Structure?

I am looking forward to the next rendition!

0

Dana Abbott

Member

February 17, 2022 at 9:28 pm

Hi Kate

Thanks for the feedback. Rereading, I can see where the confusion might be. Ellen is the focus.

We experience everything through her. The caller is heard and never seen.

I also need to explain in greater detail what happens at each beat. (i.e. the first call at the inciting

incident needs to be more developed; the detective’s relationship with Ellen, his strength keeping

her going to save her children, pushing the race against time; that Ellen doesn’t actually make the

choice of who dies, it’s forced upon her; she has to turn against her medial ethics; etc.)

And I changed my theme. I need to change it back. How far would you go to save another?

You make some good points. It’s nice to have another set of eyes.

Thanks again. I’ll let you know when I post the revision.

0

[Dana Abbott]

June

The love story between two unpredictable personalities provides an unknown direction for the script that keeps an audience guessing. I was interested to see where you would take your story and how you’d get to the resolution.

Roy and Kim seem perfectly mismatched with their own baggage and histories that keep bringing them back together each time they push each other way, like the positive and negative ends of a magnet.

Is this a contemporary story? Or is this set in a specific year closer to the end of the Vietnam War? I’m assuming it’s closer to the Vietnam War, otherwise the characters would be late sixties or early seventies. You may want to suggest a year in your concept or opening.

You have both characters stealing cars. Are they on the run from police during this story? It’s a good way to bond them together. Kim being shot by her father, however, would require police involvement at the hospital. Does her father not get charged for shooting her? If she wanted to be rid of him, all she’d have to do is turn him in. I understand the need for them to be hospitalized to meet, but you may want to reconsider why she’s hospitalized.

Interweaving their stories to show the similarities and difficulties of their lives apart from one other is a good way to demonstrate how they need each other. And when they get too close and run away, falling back into old patterns, they realize being with each other works best and keep bringing them back together.

The lady in the hospital is a good way to bring them back together. But at the Midpoint, Roy leaves Kim, and then you have them together visiting the lady in the hospital.

I get a little confused when they’re together and when they’re apart during your beats. Are they visiting the lady at separate times?

During the first turn, Kim lands a house sitting job. Is this with a company? Because you have them at a company picnic later when Roy jumps on stage. This was a little confusing.

At end of the second turn, Roy gives Kim his heart, but then he’s in crisis and wanting to kill himself? Why? You may want Roy to learn to trust Kim in the Climax when she saves him from committing suicide. And in turn, he saves her by burning the house and her bad memories within it.

In your resolution, you have them at the lady’s bedside when she dies, which may be a down ending given everything they have been through. Perhaps you can have the owner already gone and she’s given them her home, her pets, and a new life.

I do like the story. It was crazy/quirky enough to keep me entertained to the end. I will be interested to see where you go with this.

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

I want to thank everyone who helped with my SLW. You gave me some great input and ideas that I hadn’t considered. You really helped elevate my SLW. Thank you very much.

PS81 – Dana’s Pass 2: SLW Version 3

Title:

First Time Caller

Concept:

A patient with multiple personality disorder calls a radio psychiatrist and warns that his more dominant and violent personality will kill one member her kidnapped family every hour on air unless she can excise his violent personality before the end of the show.

Plot Choice: #8 – Rivalry

Character Structure: #1 Protagonist vs. Antagonist

Lead Characters:

Protagonist: Dr. Ellen – A radio psychiatrist desperate to save her family.

Antagonist: The Caller – The dangerous patient threatening to kill Ellen’s family.

Dramatic Question:

Will Ellen be able to stop her ex-patient from murdering her family?

Main Conflict:

A dangerous patient threatens to kill a radio psychiatrist’s family on air if she doesn’t excise his more violent personality before the end of the show.

Dilemma:

Risk the lives of family and try to persuade her patient from killing them or sacrifice her ethics and manipulate him into killing himself before he executes his threat.

Theme:

Sacrificing morality to save another.

Plot/Structure:

1. Opening:

Running late, Ellen’s husband calls to tell her that his car won’t start, and he’s using Uber to drop their daughters off at school before heading to his office. But when he insists that she pick them up after her show, they clash over his lack of respect for her work, and she hangs up with a few harsh words.

2. Inciting Incident:

Ellen takes a call from a man who suffers from multiple personality disorder, but the call takes a dangerous turn when he tells her that his more violent personality has kidnapped her family and he intends to kill one of them on air every hour unless she can excise the personality before the end of the show.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about:

A dangerous patient has kidnapped Ellen’s family, and she must play a deadly game of life and death on air to save them.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1:

Ellen’s husband calls into the show and confirms that he and their two daughters have been kidnapped by the man’s violent personality, now in control, and is threatening to kill them if Ellen doesn’t play the man’s twisted game.

5. Midpoint:

When the police fail to capture the kidnapper, Ellen witnesses her husband’s murder on air, deepening her desperation and forcing her down a dark path to extract the patient’s manic-depressive personality and pressure him to commit suicide to saver her daughters.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2:

Having successfully drawn the manic-depressive personality from her patient, Ellen, though anguished by the harm she’s causing to her patient, begins to press him deeper into despair toward suicide.

7. Crisis:

With the gun in his hand, her patient pleads with Ellen to stop, but before he can pull the trigger, the violent personality reemerges to foil Ellen’s plan, and toys with her, choosing which daughter he should execute.

8. Climax:

Ellen pits the man’s personalities against each other in a raging right for dominance until she hears the gun go off, leaving her on edge in the silence until she hears SWAT kick the door moments later and discover the man dead and her daughters saved.

9. Resolution:

With Ellen sent to reunite with her daughters, the detective assigned to the case discovers that the patient was not working alone, that someone else was involved and still at large, and at the very end, that someone calls another radio show and tells the host, “I’m a long-time listener. And first-time caller.”

Character Arc:

Protagonist: Ellen

Part to be changed: Anxious about her skills as a radio psychiatrist

Biggest fear: The kidnapper will murder her family

Completion of arc: She manipulates the kidnapper into killing himself and saves her daughters

[Dev Ross]

Dev Ross – Story Web 1

Concept: Outshined by the latest hate groups, a fading KKK Grand Dragon plots the murder of a black leader, but when he wakes the next morning, he is that black leader who is suddenly struck with a plan to murder the Grand Dragon.

Lead Characters: Grand Dragon, Black Leader

Plot/Structure: #8 Rivalry

Character Structure: Protagonist verses Antagonist

Lead Characters: J.J. CAINE is a religious extremist Grand Dragon in the KKK who plots to murder a Black Leader. LINCOLN ABLE is a black activist, community leader who plots to murder the Grand Dragon.

Dramatic Question: Will Caine regain his lost power?

Main Conflict: Caine and Lincoln are continually thwarted from killing each other without any reasonable explanation.

Dilemma: Will the two men see the ultimate truth of their hatred/conflict before they destroy their families and each other?

Theme: Ultimate hate ultimately destroys all.

Character Arcs: Caine goes from complacent, to obsessive, to realization. Lincoln goes from open hearted activist, to secretive and obsessive, to realization.

OPENING: News reports over visuals about fierce, unexplained weather events and extremist violence on the rise…

At a White Supremacist gathering, Grand Dragon J.J. CAINE is booed off stage for being a SINO – a White Supremacist in Name Only.

INCITING INCIDENT: His daughter informs him she’s pregnant with a black baby and she’s marrying her black boyfriend.

Page 10: For the sacrilege of his daughter, White Supremacists burn on a cross on his lawn and demand he step down as Grand Dragon.

First Turning point, End Act 1: Caine believes God is directing him to set things right by assassinating LINCOLN ABLE, a black community leader.

ACT TWO: As the planet trembles and the skies roil, Caine wakes up as that Black Leader, LINCOLN ABLE, who is struck with the driving need to kill the Grand Dragon.

Mid. Pt: Following Caine’s multiple failed assassination attempts, Caine comes to the conclusion that someone is warning Lincoln.

Second Turning point at end of Act II: In an Iago-esque madness, Caine kills his wife for warning Lincoln because – he wrongly believes – they’ve been having an affair.

Crisis: Caine witnesses Lincoln run down a white man – who Lincoln believes is Caine.

Climax: As the world appears to be ending outside, the two men do a cat and mouse chase in an abandoned cotton processing plant where they are each killed by their own ricocheting bullets.

Resolution: Caine’s daughter and husband stroll their baby past black and white townspeople, who warmly greet them in a newly formed world.

[Kate Hawkes]

I did a feedback thing at the post that is up higher in the thread!

[Dev Ross]

Hi June,

I really am already enjoying your story: uplifting and steadfast in that – with love – we can all get a second chance at life. I have just a few comments. Firstly, I am interested in seeing your logline and how you express this film in one sentence. Secondly, I love Roy’s character as he exactly mirrors a dear friend of mine who fought in Vietnam and then fought his demons until he died. Seeing Roy overcome his demons really fulfills his arc and MINE for my now lost friend. Third: I don’t understand Kim’s Inciting Incident and how that sends her off in a new direction/adventure/journey. Perhaps Roy inciting incident could suffice. Lastly, I’m not seeing how your first Turning Pt launches us into the second act. What exactly happens with the two that ups the stakes and launches us into the journey of Act Two?

[June f]

Hi Dev, Thank you! for your thoughtful, and encouraging comments, and thank you for telling me why crazy Roy resonates. I’m sorry that you lost your friend. I’ll add to those areas that you question. The logline? meh. Having a bit of trouble boiling that down. Thank you so much! I’m intrigued by your story idea.

Here’re my thoughts and trash whatever isn’t useful. Keep on with it. It’s a cool idea with a contemporary point. I like the premise, Dev. Your story has a lot of possibilities especially for social commentary. I think it has legs and could play in several different genres.

What is the trigger that causes the Grand Dragon suddenly become the Black Leader? And likewise, the reverse for the Black Leader?

How aware are they of their former selves? Are the new embodiments like the reality TV shows: Trading Spouses or Wife Swap? Your 9-point list seems to imply an awareness.

If that’s the case, how awkward and unfamiliar are they with their new bodies and how do they fit into those worlds? Do they, for example, know their families and friends? Take on the dialect and physical mannerisms?

Lead Characters & Plot structure You chose Rivalry and it seems to be the closest category of options although depending on how you write the trigger that causes the switch, the story is also about transformation, and discovery.

Character structure: For the life of me, I can’t find the list of “character structures” in my notes but the protagonist is ALSO the antagonist. In other words, depending on his level of awareness, he wants to kill himself.

Leads My question is about each of their gangs- how many, how powerful, how involved and how aware they are. They have allies. Do the allies feel something is ‘off’ after the switch?

Dramatic question As you’ve painted the intriguing and compelling inciting incident (the switch), it seems to me that the compelling question is how does Caine handle this? Will he use his new body to kill his enemies? A great advantage- and meanwhile- will his enemy kill his family? And if he kills his own wife, doesn’t that deflate the stakes?

Main conflict The hero leads. The hero has to drive the story.

Dilemma: Yes. And also, they vehemently want to destroy each other but if they do that, they’re killing themselves.

9 point structure

I think that all you have to end of Act 1 can happen in the first 10 pages. The real inciting incident is the body switch, which is the hook promised in your logline, and definitely the compelling factor to want to see your movie. Therefore I think it needs to happen asap- at page 10. If you condense the above, you’ll have more time to explore the psychological ramifications of the situation both men are in.

It occurs to me that the cross burning could make the body switch.

(Mid. Pt: Following Caine’s multiple failed assassination attempts, Caine comes to the conclusion that someone is warning Lincoln.) I don’t understand this. Is it Caine as Lincoln who’s warning the other? Also, is the reverse happening- that Lincoln is trying and failing to kill Caine?

(Crisis: Caine witnesses Lincoln run down a white man – who Lincoln believes is Caine.) I’m confused with the logic. Are we in Caine’s new body? In Lincoln’s new body?

(Climax: As the world appears to be ending outside, the two men do a cat and mouse chase in an abandoned cotton processing plant where they are each killed by their own ricocheting bullets.) Wow. Good ending.

(Resolution: Caine’s daughter and husband stroll their baby past black and white townspeople, who warmly greet them in a newly formed world.) Not sure how Caine’s cross burning posse would accept this.

Below, a quick search of body swap movies. Body switch stories have been popular in films since the 1940’s. In the movie, Big, The Tom Hanks child makes a wish to be big. In The Cobbler with Adam Sandler, a special shoe stitching machine turns the wearer into the original owner. In All Of Me, it’s a guru who can transfer spirits.

9 Lives 2016, A Saintly Switch 1999, Like Father Like Son 1987, The Cobbler 2014, Dream a Little Dream 1989, 18 Again! 1988, Prelude to a Kiss 1992, Alison’s Birthday 1981, The Hot Chick 2002, The Shaggy Dog 2006, 13 Going On 30 2004, The Change UP 2011, Freaky Friday 1976, Vice Versa 1988, Turnabout 1940, All of Me 1984, Face/Off 1997, 17 Again 2009, Freaky Friday 2003, Big 1988

Not body switch, but similar: BlacKkKlansman 2018 Spike Lee Movie and Black Like Me 1961 nonfiction by John Howard Griffin

cheers Dev!

June

[Alice Eden]

Alice’s SLW Version 1

Concept:

In time of Separation, an artificial death protecting Advanced West society of Planet MIROPOLIS, workers of Research Institute get massacred, to create “new weapon”, interests clash, judge sentences wrongdoer at scandalous process, Separates, his subtle image reflected on video, his advice to filter people and expel outcastes is taken into practice…

Lead Characters:

Protagonist: young talented scientist of Research Institute who’s girlfriend went missing, searching for who’ve done it

Antagonist: Anaupsh, head of development lab, who massacres RI workers to create animated monster

Protagonist #2 Judge who is to lead the process, finds Anaupsh guilty, proposes zones for outcastes, and Separates.

Plot/Structure: (Tell us the Plot number and type. Then give us the 9 beats of your structure.)

7. The Riddle

12. Transformation

Structure:

1. Opening

Representation of how SEPARATION works. Life moves on another rails. What new qualities did you acquire?” “I can move walls apart!”

2. Inciting Incident

On a flight back home from resort area.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

This is going to be on the ground of Research Institute, where Anaupsh massacres its workers. But that’s also at another planet, named MIROPOLIS, and has to do with advanced science and discrimination of castes.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1

His girlfriend is missing amid lab personnel. “ Where is Kiat?”

5. Mid-Point

Protagonist get contacted by secret service officer after his journalist brother streams confusing news to illustrate the case.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2

Protagonist gets massacred, officers who contacted him shot.

7. Crisis

Anaupsh presents her work at symposium.

8. Climax

Scandalous process. Judge gives a speech and separates right at the court.

9. Resolution

Upstart with residences for outcastes.

Character Arc:

Protagonist Character Arc:

Part to be changed: He needs to find out, who’ve done it, and what happened?

Biggest fear: His biggest fear is what he sees in Anaupsh’s lab

Completion of arc: His example as martyr changes social structure of the West. For separatable humanity

Main Conflict, Dramatic Question, Dilemma:

Dramatic Question:

This is happened in another planet, and yet it’s relevant. It’s how they made their way we are going to.

c. Main conflict:

How we do with all of these, facing social questions.

d. Dilemma:

Protagonist #1: He lost his girlfriend, he must pay with his life.

Judge: He’s unhappy, maybe living amid, managing it, with his subtle body inside. He’s put to justify antagonist, all people hating him, pointing fingers. As it is his fault. But he’s honest.

His separation (someone with subtle body) they given him this artificial death. It’s predicament of Future.

Theme:

e. Theme:

Techno techno society, nano-particles, division into castes, and self development.

3. DISCOVERIES and IMPROVEMENTS:

This a question of very key point good versus evil, as it touches on physical body. How we want it. Not a soul, not a spirit, but a body.

4. AFTER:

Main Conflict, Dramatic Question, Dilemma:

Main Conflict: is social, in between of castes

Dramatic Question: transition of society into techno epoch

Judges Dilemma: how he who he is would do in this situation, so he cannot do otherwise, but Separate

Theme:

2. BEFORE:

Concept:

…after reservations for outcastes are created, trained WARDS are to bring qualified back to society,

Born in reservation, LENA witnesses her Ward’s death, runaways, gets escorted by high rang military, becomes his lover, as anyone around undergo danger of being marked as “outcastes”.

Lead Characters:

LENA, girl born inside of restricted reservation who runaways from it

WARD, who picks up at Le-na to liberate her

Son of Main Commander, top military who picks up Le-na outside and falls in love with her

Plot/Structure:

For Le-na inside of Reservation only: 5. Escape

For Le-na and Son of Commander: 9. Underdog

For Le-na via all the story: 13. Maturation

Structure:

1. Opening

Destruction of Black Archipelago by atomic weapon.

2. Inciting Incident

Ward choses residence to be dispatched to.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

MIROPOLIS seventy years after they started with zones.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1

Ward meets Le-na .

5. Mid-Point

He hides Le-na in his apartment behind locked doors.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2

Ward is shot down.

7. Crisis

Le-na burns her stepmother who came back to kill her with acid from the barrel.

8. Climax

Le-na deposits report, fights her way via girl, picks up a gun, and deceives helicopter pilot.

9. Resolution

Le-na is picked up by high rang military.

Le-na outside of reservation

1. Le-na communicates with young high rang military who picked her up at his last gig of technology station.

2. He brings her to hotel room, where they have sex.

Two officers come to expose him.

He tries to make phone call downstairs, but receives a blow.

3/4 He awakes at the hospital, where they finish up locking doors, till military dispatch comes. Main officer freaks out and gets tied up. One of young military starts giving orders, but reports they are in a siege. Finally they get rescued by regiment he requested by phone.

5. As he discovers that Le-na, now married to him, went pregnant, they get blamed he abuses her, at their stay at another hotel. Military come, main officer freaks out and gets tied up. One of the boys starts giving orders. They search hotel rooms, discover dead body of ten years old, daughter of hotel owner, who goes mad. Psychologist comes and they all exchange contacts.

7. Boy matures, and gets ward training. As he is inside of reservation, he holds not from shooting to bring young couple outside. They themselves report how brave he went. He faces tribunal, with Son of Main Commander and Psychologist also present. They officially sentence him to death, but in realty would let him come back to reservation, now forever.

8. Son of Main Commander separates.

Character Arc:

Le-na

Part to be changed: She wants to runaway, be liberated

Biggest fear: There is now here to run, no action to save it

Completion of arc: She reaches what she could’ve desire but crashes

Main Conflict, Dramatic Question, Dilemma:

d. Dilemma:

Ward: he must hide it, and his love to her, and if he kills. Either he have sex with Le-na, or he writes report to liberate her. Because if she is his partner, they won’t believe he’s honest, reporting.

Le-na: She cannot live not only amid people in reservation, but amid those outside as well. She looks, needs, demands for someone higher. She had no sex with that Ward, who she continues to love. And lives with another, who is good, but not enough heroic, maybe?

Son of Main Commander: If he goes to reservation as a ward, this means death, and he would lose them (Le-na and kids), he also is her only support. He won’t stop reservations from existence, he himself invests in it.

How many girls are going to die inside of reservation, no ward to help them?

Theme:

e. Theme:

Meaning: even at TECHNO world we continue to be human, techno is built to suite human needs.

Lesson: How civilization transits with free flow of information, resources availability, and sheds old clothes of former social structure.

Moral: What it means to be human. Struggle of self developed ones in social structure.

3. DISCOVERIES and IMPROVEMENTS:

4. AFTER:

Concept:

Lead Characters:

Plot/Structure:

0. Lena and Son of Main commander at techno station.

1. Hotel #1, they get intimate

2. Hospital #1, they are suspected

3. Helicopter(s) again, as they get saved by regiment

4. Hotel #2, military dispatch, they are amid crowd

5. Hotel #3, they are alone

6. Zone again, martial arts

7. Tribunal, ward sentenced

8. Private home, Protagonist SEPARATES

9. Hospital #2, as Lena lost it

Main Conflict, Dramatic Question, Dilemma:

Son of Main Commander Dilemma: the way he is he must Separate, as it is too huge. To go as a ward makes no sense, and his wife is constant remainder of how it is with zones

Mai Conflict: in between of special people with individuality who try to build up world by the rules so that it would be possible exist and all those which we know, like flow tendencies

Dramatic Question: where they go with zones

Theme: Liberation

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Alice!

Want to exchange feedback?

[Alice Eden]

Hello. Sure, I wish. I enjoy your posts, Cameron. Besides it’ s ski-fi.

[Cameron Martin]

Here’re my notes Alice! Thank you so much for your feedback! I hope this is helpful for you!

General note – I realize Grammar isn’t one of the attributes we’re critiquing. The problem is that it is sometimes difficult to read your work and get a complete picture, or I’m pulled out of the story because I’m piecing together the intent. Just wanting to give a heads up.

Concept – So, there’s a lot I’m trying to piece together. On one hand, I can see your story as something similar to DUNE (Film) or THE EXPANSE (TV show) with all of the political intrigue and advanced technology. On the other hand, if I haven’t watched a lot of sci-fi, this would get really confusing really fast. I’d love to know more about what inspired this story for you, because I get the impression this may be something you’ve been working on for a while prior to this course.

Lead Characters – Hmmm. I’m trying to figure out why there’re two protagonists. Are the two working together for a common goal? Is this story for a book or tv series or for a film? Reason I ask is the series GAME OF THRONES, similar to the books, has multiple characters driving the story forward in a massive world…and of course there’re ten one hour long episodes per season. Even with GAME OF THRONES, some characters are more identifiable as the protagonist than others, particularly John Snow and Daenerys Targaryen who do change over the course of the story. Knowing what medium your story is intended for would help a lot in providing adequate feedback based on your goals. Otherwise, if you’re writing your story for a singular movie, I’d shy away from having more than 1 protagonist unless absolutely necessary, and focus on the transformational journey of the character.

Plot Structure – While I understand there’s a lot of carryover between the 20 Basic Plots, I would pick just one to lean into, otherwise you risk having some of your strongest elements fading to the background of the less relevant plot direction.

Protagonist Character Arc – It’s risky to go with the character arc of the world changing because of your protagonist instead of the other way around, but done right, it could be very enlightening and unique.

Dramatic Question/Main Conflict/Dilemma – In general, all of these feel broad and non-specific. TITANIC’s theme is about class issues, but that theme is expressed through the personal story of Jack and Rose. If you’re going for multiple characters to express different dimensions of society, I would consider picking one personal struggle per character to express to the end of the line, similar to Jack and Rose’s story being taken to the ultimate expression of the story’s theme. (If your unfamiliar with the concept of taking a character journey to the “end of the line,” look at the plot line of THE LAST OF US (Game) or BREAKING BAD (TV show).)

Opening – Please tell me more. I think I have a grasp on what “Life moves on another rails” means, but I’m really not sure. It sounds like after death people are moved on into a post death sort of existence where they have unique powers or such in the living world. I would have it be your goal to ensure the audience feels like a subject matter expert on the rules of your world prior to the inciting incident. You don’t have to get it perfect just yet. I recognize some aspects are going to be nigh impossible to explain without visuals. Just get me as close as you can. AVATAR: THE LAST AIRBENDER is one of the best examples of this. By the end of the first introduction where we learn about the different bending styles (martial arts used to control the four elements: water, earth, fire, and air) and nations, we pick up in the first scene and immediately know what’s going on. We recognize Katara is a water bender from the water tribe, we know Zuko is a fire bender from the fire nation, and we’re confident in this world. New angles are introduced later on, sure. But we are given such a rock solid foundation of the basics that we spend almost no time questioning the rules of the world and just focus on the journey our characters undergo. Hell, FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING, which has a soft magic system and explains next to nothing on how it works, still manages to explain the lore and call out Gandalf as a wizard (an immediately recognizable term for most in the audience), so that we know what’s going on and what to expect for the rest of the film. We have superior knowledge, even over the main characters at first, which is why when said characters uncover new dimensions with which to use the rules to their advantage, they look smart and we’re left in awe as to how we didn’t think of that before they did.<div>

Inciting Incident – This is not recognizable as an inciting incident. This is a setting. I want to know what moment in your story compels a character to take action where they wouldn’t before. In STAR WARS Luke Skywalker wants to go off and join the rebellion, but is left helping his aunt and uncle on the farm. It isn’t until the message from Princess Leia is uncovered that he is compelled to act out of his routine and find Obi-Wan, an act that eventually results in him joining the rebellion. To take from the previous examples, FELLOWSHIP OF THE RINGS’s Inciting Incident is Gandalf telling Frodo that the ring that was passed down to him by Bilbo is The One Ring, and that he must take it to The Prancing Pony in another town while Gandalf seeks help from Saruman. In AVATAR: THE LAST AIRBENDER (Series), it’s a little more complicated. Ultimately, I’d put that point at the episode titled “Winter Solstice, Part 1: The Spirit World” because prior to this moment we were essentially island hopping in episodic fashion, learning more about the world and lore, and after this episode we are given the promise of a clear objective and a calling for Aang to finally take action as the Avatar, and for the story at large to move in a specific direction.

By page 10, you know what the movie is about – This is still world building. I’m not yet made aware of what the protagonist’s goals are or what the point of the movie is. I know with a high enough budget, the visuals alone may buy someone like me a lot of patience, but a personal character moment would seal the deal for the rest of your audience.

First turning point at end of Act 1 – This feels like something needing to be introduced in the Inciting Incident. I could be wrong. This is, after all, only 9 essential plot points. There could be a lot more to your story that I’m just not able to see yet. Normally, structurally, the Act 1 turning point is the “Point of No Return” for your protagonist. It is the point where they embark on their journey, making a sacrifice that prevents them from ever going back to the way things were (STAR WARS – Luke joins Obi-Wan on a dangerous quest to save the princess. FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING – Gandalf didn’t make it to the Prancing Pony, and Frodo and company have to rely on the guidance of a stranger to take the Ring to Rivendell. AVATAR: THE LAST AIRBENDER (Series) – Again, kinda complicated because this is a TV show and not a film. You could say “Winter Solstice, Part 2: Avatar Roku”…Aang is told he has less than a year to learn the other three elements and defeat Fire Lord Ozai before a comet gives the Fire Nation unlimited power. You could also say “The Storm”…Aang’s flashback reveals he ran away from home after learning he was the avatar (Refusal of the Call moment), and gets caught in a storm that forces him through instinct to seal himself away in an iceberg, thus helping to create the events of the next hundred years). Most importantly, this is a decision the character makes, more-so than it is an event thrust upon them.

Mid-Point – Man, I wish I knew more. On the surface, this appears like it could fit the parameters of what the Midpoint should be (the point in the story where the world is flipped on its head). But there’s so much information I’m missing, it’s really hard to say. I realize this may sound hypocritical, considering my concept for POSSESSING EDEN, which is convoluted in its own right and suffers from being difficult to follow without a lot of context as well. One strategy that you could employ is to give me the goal of each plot point. What is the core intent for the scene. For example, THE MATRIX is almost impossible to explain without seeing it. But, we can still give the basic story function of the Midpoint: Neo is told by a reliable source that he won’t be able to save the world, moments before Morpheus is captured by unstoppable foes. The story has now flipped from being about Neo learning what the Matrix is and how to believe in himself, to Neo saving Morpheus while knowing he’s not The One. Try thinking how you might explain the basic plot points of THE MATRIX without explaining what the the Matrix even is, while assessing what your plot points are.

I’ll stop here so as not to sound like a broken record. It’s clear to me that you have a rich world for your characters to inhabit, and I don’t want to critique something I don’t adequately understand. I cannot wait to see how your two stories develop.

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

</div>

[Alice Eden]

Hello Cameron,

You feedback was most helpful

I’m using word separable from now on, if so, as it is not a time for a slang, this being one word only.

This concept I carry for a decade,

Two protagonists is like nothing to me, in my first scenario (this is second) I never came out with one protagonist.

In reality, this very simple, it’s linear, they just intersnap, as main Protagonist gets gone.

I understand what you saying, but in this case, world is changed by protagonist,

I agree with you about main conflict and dramatic question that they must be personal, but maybe there are a cople, like plots. Like one for the whole thing, one for Hero’s story

Variant 3

Structure:

1. Opening

Representation (Visuals) of how SEPARATION (an artificial nano death, insinuated by signal from human brain of the bearer, whereas face and chest are separated symmetrically by vertical line), works. Inside perspective. Life stream as if moves on another rails. “What new qualities did you acquire?” “I can move walls apart!”

2. Inciting Incident

Protagonist returns from weekend spent offshore, and receives phone call from Director of Research Institute with urgent assignment. As he works on it, he encounters erased file that is exactly report for Anaupsh’s lab.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

This is going to be on the ground of Research Institute, where Anaupsh massacres its workers. But that’s also at another planet, named MIROPOLIS, and has to do with advanced science and discrimination of castes.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1

His girlfriend is missing amid lab personnel. “ Where is Kiat?”

5. Mid-Point

Journalist brother of Protagonist streams confusing news to illustrate the case of people missing on the ground of Research Institute.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2

Protagonist gets contacted by secret service officer.

7. Crisis

Protagonist gets massacred. Officers who contacted him shot.

8. Climax

Anaupsh presents her work at symposium and lets monsters, created by her in a lab out, to float up to the sky. Aerial dispatch destroys it.

9. Resolution

Scandalous process. Judge gives a speech and separates right at the court.

Upstart with residences for outcastes.

Part 2

Concept:

…after reservations for outcastes are created, trained WARDS are to bring qualified back to society,

Born in reservation, LENA witnesses her Ward’s death, runaways, gets escorted by high rang military, becomes his lover, as anyone around undergo danger of being marked as “outcastes”.

Lead Characters:

LENA, girl born inside of restricted reservation who runaways from it

WARD, who picks up at Le-na to liberate her

Son of Main Commander, top military who picks up Le-na outside and falls in love with her

Plot/Structure: (Tell us the Plot number and type. Then give us the 9 beats of your structure.)

For Le-na inside of Reservation only: 5. Escape

For Le-na and Son of Commander: 9. Underdog

For Le-na via all the story: 13. Maturation

Structure:

1. Opening

Destruction of Black Archipelago by atomic weapon.

2. Inciting Incident

Ward choses residence to be dispatched to.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

MIROPOLIS seventy years after they started with zones.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1

Ward meets Le-na .

5. Mid-Point

He hides Le-na in his apartment behind locked doors.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2

Ward is shot down.

7. Crisis

Le-na burns her stepmother who came back to kill her with acid from the barrel.

8. Climax

Le-na deposits report, fights her way via girl, picks up a gun, and deceives helicopter pilot.

9. Resolution

Le-na is picked up by high rang military.

ESCAPE story (above) as OPENING SCENE for Lena Outside of Reservation

(Lena Outside of Reservation, as a RESOLUTION to Escape story)

2. Inciting Incident: Lena tries to pull up his shirt, to check, if he is “marked” as maybe all special people from outside.

3. By “page 10”, you know, what the movies is about: it is now about Lena and Son of Main Commander evolving relationship

4. First Turning Point: They get intimate (Hotel #1)

5. Midpoint: His blackout.

6. Second Turning Point: Lena appears to be pregnant.

7. Crisis: They again are exposed ( military come, as he is military), (Hotel#2, amid crowd)

8. Culmination: They discover dead body of ten years old daughter of hotel owner.

9. Resolution: They are in the room again. Woman across the street shoots another tenant. Absurd.

10 (9) RESOLUTION for the Part 2: Their young military friend gets matured, and gets sentenced as a ward who used weapon inside of habitation on civil ones. Son of Main Commander SEPARATES.

[Dev Ross]

Kate,

I really love this story in that it unmasks Darrough’s greed in such a delicious and theatrical way. I think all of your beats work very well. I only have one issue (which will probably be resolved in longer form) and that is with Luciana. In my opinion, she acts as a mentor figure to Nia but… she could possibly add intrigue if she was a shapeshifter as well – just a thought. Just a ‘what-if’ if we suspected her (as a shapeshifter) to have duel motives? So, it ups the stakes on who Nia can trust and possibly adds an additional emotional layer to her.

You state in your beats that Luciana reveals to Nia very pertinent information about Nia’s father and mother. I’m wondering how you see these reveals without relying too much on exposition. Great first stab!

[Dev Ross]

Dev Ross – Story Web 1A (a few changes)

LOGLINE: Outshined by the latest hate groups, a fading KKK Grand Dragon plots the murder of a black leader, but when he wakes the next morning, he is that black leader who is suddenly struck with a plan to murder the Grand Dragon.

CONCEPT: Plagued by climate change with small quakes hitting regularly, the sky roiling, and extremist violence on the rise, two contrary men, one black and one white, believe their salvation lies in the elimination of the other. What they don’t know is that they exist as a part of a metaverse where their two worlds are in the midst of colliding. The men are the final catalyst that birth a new world.

Lead Characters: Grand Dragon, Black Leader

Plot/Structure: #8 Rivalry

Character Structure: Protagonist verses Antagonist

Lead Characters: J.J. CAINE is a religious extremist Grand Dragon in the KKK who plots to murder a Black Leader. LINCOLN ABLE is a black activist, community leader who plots to murder the Grand Dragon.

Dramatic Question: Will Caine regain his lost power?

Main Conflict: Caine and Lincoln are continually thwarted from killing each other without any reasonable explanation.

Dilemma: Will the two men see the ultimate truth of their hatred/conflict before they destroy their families and each other?

Theme: Ultimate hate ultimately destroys all.

Character Arcs: Caine goes from complacent, to obsessive, to realization. Lincoln goes from open hearted activist, to secretive and obsessive, to realization.

OPENING: News reports over visuals about fierce, unexplained weather events and extremist violence on the rise…

At a White Supremacist gathering, Grand Dragon J.J. CAINE is booed off stage for being a SINO – a White Supremacist in Name Only.

INCITING INCIDENT: His daughter, who hates that he’s in the KKK and fights with him over how the world is changing, proudly informs him she’s pregnant with a black baby and she’s marrying her black boyfriend. Caine goes berserk, disowns her, throws her out.

Page 10: Up to now, we see the world’s environment becoming increasingly unstable and Caine misinterpret Bible passages to suit his goals. Now, for the sacrilege of his daughter, White Supremacists burn on a cross on his lawn and demand he step down as Grand Dragon.

First Turning point, End Act 1: Caine believes God is directing him to set things right by assassinating LINCOLN ABLE, a black community leader.

ACT TWO: As the planet trembles and the skies roil, Caine wakes up as that Black Leader, LINCOLN ABLE, who is struck with the driving need to kill the Grand Dragon.

Mid. Pt: Following Caine’s multiple failed assassination attempts, Caine comes to the conclusion that someone he knows is betraying him and warning Lincoln.

Second Turning point at end of Act II: In an Iago-esque madness, Caine kills his wife for warning Lincoln because – he wrongly believes – they’ve been having an affair.

Crisis: Caine witnesses Lincoln run down a white man – who Lincoln believes is Caine.

Climax: As the world appears to be ending outside, the two men do a cat and mouse chase in an abandoned cotton processing plant where they are each killed by their own ricocheting bullets.

Resolution: Caine’s daughter and husband stroll their baby past black and white townspeople, who warmly greet them in a newly formed world.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Dev,

I wanted to read your structure because I’m intrigued by your concept. I admit I read June’s feedback and I agree with it. So, I will concentrate on the biggest gap in the story for me which is…why the world doesn’t end at the end of the story? I’m confused as to how we get from the Climax to the Resolution. There are the climate change issues going on throughout, but what stops the end of the world? Is it merely the deaths of Caine and Lincoln?

The switch is the most interesting part of the story. What a shock for both men and those around them! It’s a big reason stars would want to play the roles. How do you play “White” in a “Black” body and vice versa? It’s a challenge to act.

You have a powerful and important story. I look forward to seeing how it evolves!

[Lisa Paris Long]

I forgot to ask if you could read my post, please?

Thank you!

[Kate Hawkes]

Hi Dev, I like the addition of the daughter detail. A scene I’d love to see… I saw where you wrote this somewhere..

“with the idea of String Theory which promotes the idea of multi-universes existing side by side. My idea is to use extreme climate to tear at the fabric of one existing universe so that it bleeds into another. The result – at the end- is that both of the former universes were destroyed to birth the new one at the end”

wonderIng if there is a way to get that in your 9 beat sentence summery? – it certainly clarified things for me.

It’s a super cool idea….

[Kate Hawkes]

Kate Story Web V2

thank you everyone for the input – it helped me at least to work out what to cram into the 9 sentence thingy!!~ and a couple of great Ahas!! here ya’ go!!

(SAME AS BEFORE)

A. CONCEPT

A young actress finds her long absent idealized father in a small rural town but discovers that he is a greedy, dictatorial man, determined to destroy this community in whom she has found a ‘family’. She learns about her dead mother and the family history and must choose between her values as represented by this community and her longing for a father in her life. She joins them in a ‘sting’ operation and puts on a live ‘tell all’ public theatre performance.

B. PLOT CHOICE

#12 Maturation

C. CHARACTER STRUCTURE Protagonist/Antagonist

D. LEAD CHARACTERS (*Name* is an *identity* who *does X in the story*.):

Nia (Protagonist) who becomes a powerful adult facing her father Darrogh (Antagonist)

with the help of Luciana (a mentor figure) who tells her the truth of her history.

E. DRAMATIC QUESTION

Will the community save their land/town and will Nia have courage to stand up to her father

F. MAIN CONFLICT

To help save the land Nia has to come to terms with her father

G. DILEMMA:

Nia has to let go of the vision she held of her father to really see this one and then does she forgive him, be the good daughter, take care him? Or walk away and truly be free of him?

H. THEME:

Keeping secrets doesn’t protect, it disempowers and causes greater distress. Knowing the truth frees us

I. CHARACTER ARC Lead Character

Nia moves from passively longing for an imaginary ‘good’ Father to facing the real ‘bad’ one and making choices based on knowing the whole story of her family and ultimately her needs and rights.

9 BEATS

(SOME CHANGES BELOW HERE)

1) OPENING SCENE

A desperate crowd at a town meeting, led by Hispanic Mayor Luciana, discuss how to keep their quiet, gentle town as it is in the face of the greedy developer Darrogh, as a touring Shakespeare company bus arrives on the edge of the town, sets up their campsite and Nia falls in love with the beauty of the land musing to her friends on perhaps staying on there after the tour ends.

2) INCITING INCIDENT

Nia meets the Irish-American Darrogh (who instantly recognizes her as the image of her long-deceased beautiful African-American mother), and is shocked and thrilled to meet the father whom she has idolized and when he welcomes her into his palatial home, she has to turn away from the locals she had begun to know, especially Luciana,(who instantly made friends with her) because having a relationship with her father (about whom she has been told so much) means more to her than anything.

3) BY PAGE 10

Luciana tells Nia how he cheated her family out of the ranch and has affected the entire community and hints at some other things she knows, making Nia a little uncomfortable with her familiarity and physical closeness, but Nia believes she can best help everything by staying with him and that she can turn him around.

4) FIRST TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT ONE

Luciana presents a letter from Darrogh at a town meeting announcing he is going to develop a massive landfill on the ranch he ‘bought’ from her family and offering to buy out the other little farms in the area but people have to decide in the next week or he threatens another way to get the land and Nia, secretly at the back of the room, is deeply moved by their plight and afterwards promises Luciana she will try and help, sure her father loves her enough to listen.

5) MID-POINT

Darrogh explodes with rage when Nia tries to talk about the landfill, leading her to flashbacks to a scene when she was 6 and she heard her parents arguing violently, then later Luciana reveals to Nia that she knew her mother, filling her in (to some degree) on her Mother’s suicide, how Darrogh had isolated her and then done the same with the child Nia, so when a small group decide to set up a ‘sting’ company purportedly to manage and expand the landfill, Nia suggests that her theatre friends pose as ‘the businessmen’ but she will stay in her father’s house to keep an eye on him and is still desperately hopeful he’ll change.

6) SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT TWO

Darrogh realizes that Nia is hanging out with Luciana, who he names as causing Nia’s mother’s death saying that they were lovers and the shame was too much for Amahla and when Nia doesn’t believe him, he kicks her out of the house, leading to another flashback filling in more of Nia’s memory. Darrogh delays signing with the ‘company’ – maybe later in the process but when the surveyors and bulldozers arrive, the ‘company’ makes one more offer, adding that the farms he wanted have agreed to sell as part of the big land-buy deal Darrogh wants for the world’s largest landfill.

7) CRISIS

Nia has it out with Luciana demanding the whole truth about her Mother’s death and their relationship, and sees for a first time a pure clear love, and now has to choose between the father she hoped for and the community (as represented by Luciana) whose values she shares so when Darrogh agrees to the land-buy deal (if the community name the new landfill after him) she agrees with Luciana that Darrogh be publicly humiliated and with her troupe creates a ‘play’ to which Darrogh is invited on the pretext of gratitude from the community but will really play out the story so he sees the truth.

8) CLIMAX

Performed outdoors where Nia first fell in love with the land and where the landfill was to have begun, with the ‘dozers under the stage lights, Darrogh sees the con revealed after it is too late to back out, losing everything through the deal he agreed to and from the stage Nia calls him out for the person and father he has been including an eerie scene trading on the fact she looks so like her Mother.

9) RESOLUTION

The community has their land and the money to develop a back-to-nature retreat center for future sustainability while Darrogh, aware that now he has only one chance to show the love he truly felt for Amahla, pleads with Nia to forgive him, and when she struggles to tell him he must depend on this community because she has to go on with her life, Luciana tells them that the (returned) ranch is a home for them both, and Nia is now free to leave on the bus with the theatre troupe as she had arrived.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Kate Hawkes.

[Antonio]

Hi Kate. Do you want to exchange feedback with me? My Story Web version 2 is the next after your V2 post… you need to go to page 2 of the forum to read it.

==================

Well, so many people have commented on your SLW and you have put so much work on this awesome story that it is really hard to say anything! Just a couple of suggestions for you:

Concept:

The logline is a bit long for high concept. Perhaps you could flesh it out like this:

A young actress finds that her long absent father wants to destroy a small town that she loves – now she must choose between the community and her longing for a paternal figure in her life.

At the start, a detail that challenged my understanding of the story logic was: how come that the young actress takes the community as family, it is, she must know the community very well, but she had not realized that her father was part of it? I thought that the phrase “finds her long absence father in a small rural town” might have to change, so that the father came from outside the community. But once I read the opening, the idea came clear to me. Anyway, the suggested logline may have already taken care of this detail.

Plot choice:

Having only 9 paragraphs, it is hard to say, but besides “maturation,” other plots that fit are “transformation” and even “sacrifice.” Again, a story can be told in so many different ways! This is definitely your call.

Dramatic question:

A possible way to put the protagonist at the center, might be to rephrase the dramatic question like this:

Will Nia have courage to stand up to her father and help the community save their land?

Dilemma:

I also have a suggestion to identify the dilemma. It still needs some work, but when you read the dilemma this way, you may want to consider the plot “sacrifice”:

After longing for an idealized father figure in her life for many years, Nia now has to confront reality and choose between forgiveness, playing the role of good daughter, or walking away, truly being free of the greedy dictator her father is, and accepting that her long idealized paternal figure is impossible to find.

I would also suggest identifying the theme as:

While secrets often disempower people, knowing the truth frees us

This theme is clearly displayed, in particular, from the crisis on.

Hope this helps!

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Kate Hawkes]

sure 🙂 will look at your V2 now

[Kate Hawkes]

Thank you Antonio – some great clarifying suggestions. Appreciate it. Now to look at yours.

[Kate Hawkes]

and thank you for the more succinct re-wordings – they are in! and tin my defense? the Concept paragraph was just that… the Logline (in my mind the are different) was much shorter – but yours is better that what I had -0 so Thank you

[Dana Abbott]

Kate

I think this SLW is must better explained. And you delve deeper in the the relationships between Nia and her father, and Nia and Luciana.

I only have a couple of things to suggest.

In your Dramatic Question, bringing Nia’s DQ to the forefront rather than the community’s DQ might be stronger. (i.e. Will Nia find the courage to stand up to her father and help the community save their land?)

Same for the Main Conflict. Nia must come to terms with her father.

The story is about Nia more than the community.

And in your Theme, I think just saying “Knowing the truth sets us free” is tight and to the point.

Other than these suggestions, I think you did a great job in SLW v.2.If you do another version, I’d like to read it.

Dana

[Antonio]

Subject: Antonio Flores’ SLW Version 2
——————-

Post your Story Logic Web for feedback.

1. List the following key components of your story:

A. Concept: (REVISED)

A cheerleader fights in the underground MMA to rescue her fiancé, a fighter who was kidnapped and poisoned by criminals to steal a secret that he unwillingly keeps – now she must win the antidote in a cage tournament.

*MMA = Mixed Martial Arts

B. Plot Choice: (REVISED)

Plot choice – Discovery: This plot is about having to reconcile the character’s past versus the new present. The characters are searching to understand something fundamental about themselves. “You were, you are, you will be” is how the story is delivered. In the end, they emerge much wiser, but often, they do so only just before dying.

C. Character Structure: Dramatic Triangle

Three characters wrapped up in a web where there are deeper implications to their relationships than what we see in the beginning.

D. Lead Characters (NEW AND REVISED)

• PARISA, French background, is a cheerleader who fights in the underground MMA to rescue her fiancé — unaware that he is in the middle of a crime conspiracy, her involvement makes things more dangerous and complicated. (REVISED)
• BAHADUR is Parisa’s fiancé, an underground MMA fighter who was poisoned with a time-bound substance as he unwillingly keeps the secret location of a weapon of mass destruction. He broke with Parisa to keep her out of danger. Now, the clock is ticking. (REVISED)
• PHILIP is a secret agent in charge of preventing Bahadur to give away the secret… killing him if so was needed; rescuing him is just another option — but to Parisa, he is the man who made her fiancé break up with her before the two men run away. (REVISED)
• THE RULER is the head of the underground MMA, which is a screen to hide the criminal organization that wants to steal Bahadur’s secret. (REVISED)
• RUTHLESS a female underground MMA prizefighter, born to chew her opponents and known by her motto: “I can kill you twice” (NEW)
• SHAHNAZ, a massive, muscle-packed, Middle East fighter, named “The Ruler’s favorite,” also known as the one who “floods the cage with rage” (NEW)
• MAN IN A TUNIC is the Ruler’s right hand, the mastermind behind every criminal plan of the Ruler. (NEW)
• SYLVAN, French background, is Parisa’s uncle, an MMA manager who, unaware of the link with the criminals, he first introduces Bahadur to the underground MMA, and later he helps Parisa to get signed in as well. (NEW)

E. Dramatic Question:

Can Parisa find why her fiancé run away, got kidnapped, and get him back?

F. Main Conflict: (REVISED)

Parisa wants her fiancé back. Their lives depend on Parisa winning the deadly tournament… yet, she’s just a fearful cheerleader, not a real MMA fighter. The tournament runs under the Ruler’s rules, which are subject to change with or without notice.

G. Dilemma: (REVISED)

Parisa, Bahadur and Philip end up imprisoned by the Ruler. They are in the middle of the desert. There is no escape. They must join a tournament and win two out of three fights to avoid being killed. They also need to win the final match to get the poison’s antidote as a prize. But Philip gets killed, and Bahadur gets weaker and weaker due to the poisoning. What’s worse, they know that the Ruler wants the secret that Bahadur keeps, so even by winning the tournament, their escape is pretty unlikely.

H. Theme:

To escape, sometimes you need to stop running.

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any):

Parisa goes from a fearful cheerleader to someone who is able to overcome what frightens her. She defeats opponents who are stronger than her in the MMA octagon cage.

2. Your 9 beat structure, one sentence per beat

1. Opening (REVISED)

The silhouette of PARISA, a lonely woman, gets up on a treadmill. Pictures on the wall show memories of her career as cheerleader coach.

2. Inciting Incident (REVISED)

She abruptly stops the treadmill. A TEXT PREVIEW displays on her cellphone screen: “HE’S GONE”. She wipes her tears and texts back: ‘HELP ME. I MUST FIND HIM.”

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. (REVISED)

MMA manager, Sylvain, introduces his niece, Parisa, to a group of open-mouthed RING MASTERS who can’t stop looking at her with both, lust and disbelief. Parisa gets in the octagon cage for an “audition.” She gets almost KO, badly beaten, eye-swollen.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1

Sylvain helps Parisa walk out of the cage. They are ready to leave, but the ring masters cannot let a charming woman get away just like that. Parisa still gets signed in. Now she is an underground MMA prizefighter. Parisa wonders how long will it take for her to become a fighter. Sylvain convinces her to take dance lessons, because “you fight the way you dance”. Reluctant at the start, she ends up joining for salsa and samba lessons with masters who, unbeknownst to her are masters of Shuaijiao (Chinese traditional wrestling) and Brazilian Capoeira.

5. Mid-Point

Bahadur , Philip and Parisa are ambushed and imprisoned by the Ruler’s men. Badahur is poisoned by a time-bound substance. They are transported to somewhere in the middle of the desert where a deadly tournament will take place. The rules: they must win
two out of three fights to avoid death and Parisa must fight in one of
the rounds. To win the antidote, they must win the final match. The trip is long. Philip administers a drug to Badahur to delay the
effects of the poison. The clock is ticking.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2

Parisa discovers that breaking up with Bahadur was a way to keep her safe. Philip, the man who run away with him, is a secret agent in charge of preventing Bahadur to give away the secret… killing Bahadur if so was needed, rescuing him is just another option.

7. Crisis

They think on a new plan. Perhaps, to escape they should stop running. Every guard has a cellphone. “Let’s steal one and send a message out,” Bahadur suggests. They manage to steal the device, but right when Philip is about to press “SEND”, a bullet kills him. The tournament starts. Parisa and Ruthless open the event. Ruthless gets hurt and Parisa wins.

8. Climax

Philip is dead and Bahadur is too weak to fight. Parisa takes Badahur’s place, enters the octagon with the Ruler’s favorite, Shahnaz, and against the odds, she wins the antidote. She emerges much wiser, but she is badly beaten. After she hands in the antidote to her fiancé, she collapses. It’s the end. DRONE SQUAD and soldiers arrive. The secret agent’s message went through! MACHINE GUNS… shooting, resistance, people run… SMOKE… BAZOOKA fires… chaos. Badahur urges paramedics to help the lifeless woman in his arms… DARKNESS.

9. Resolution

A wheelchair quietly rolls into a gym where Parisa’s old cheerleaders team rehearse. Still bruised, but recovering, she shares her discovery with her former students: “Cheering means encouraging others to conquer their fears, to stop running. Everyone should be a cheerleader for others in real life.”

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Kate Hawkes]

Antonio – thank you – much easier to follow.

a really interesting context and idea, sure to be attractive to many viewers.

Not sure about the Plot Choice – I sort of get Escape? she is literally in a cage 🙂
Underdog? – huge odds against her

With so many characters I need to be clear who makes up the Dramatic Triangle..
Parisa for sure.. and then Bahadur and Philip?
there is lots of room to develop their relationship – seems that would be helpful for us to care about each of them equally.

As far as Dilemma – Does Parisa ever face an impossible choice? as in, whatever she chooses will cost her something… – maybe related to the two men in her life..

As it is now the Dilemma as stated seems to be the Conflict – the problem she has to solve/obstacles to overcome – in detail

When does she meet Philip? and who sent the text?
and has this something do with getting to Page 10 – so we know what the movie is about

By Page 10
I don’t know why P wants to do the MMA and her Uncle is so quick to help her do something so dangerous that she is clearly not ready for.
Does she tell him she needs to beef up order to find B?
then we’d be connected to what the movie is about as said in the Dramatic Q, Conflict Theme etc…

I like the Theme as you stated it, but then as Parisa states it at the end, is that the theme too?

“Cheering means encouraging others to conquer their fears, to stop running. Everyone should be a cheerleader for others in real life.”

also her Arc is about facing fears.. a theme too?

Does Bahadur die? Mmm… so how does this affect P’s journey…
she is the only one left of the Triangle?

There is so much here that is wise and suspenseful! Just now, to me, it is a bit muddled..
given of course that we have this very slender 9 beats to work with and then the relationship of of the Necessary Questions..

Looking forward to the next version!

[Antonio]

Awesome questions, Kate! Much appreciated. Back to rewriting now.

[Antonio]

Subject: Antonio Flores’ SLW Version 3

1. List the following key components of your story:

A. Concept:

A cheerleader fights in the underground MMA to rescue her fiancé, a fighter who was kidnapped and poisoned by criminals to steal a secret that he unwillingly keeps – now she must win the poison’s antidote in a deadly cage tournament.

B. Plot Choice:

Plot choice – Discovery:

This plot is about having to reconcile the character’s past versus the new present. The journey of a fearful cheerleader who becomes a fearless MMA fighter.

The character searches to understand something fundamental about herself. “You were, you are, you will be” is how the story is delivered. At the start of this journey, act one, YOU WERE a fearful cheerleader — but everyone may wonder, how can a fearful person give others courage? Later, act two, YOU ARE one who learns to turn weaknesses into strengths, using the fitness attributes of a cheerleader (coordination, flexibility, awareness of space and time, agility, fast-twitch explosive power muscles, and acro-gymnastic ability) to quickly build up martial arts skills, and using dance as a way to facilitate the transfer. Last, heading into act three, YOU WILL BE a master of the cage by learning to use tactics and strategy from an experienced one — Parisa’s fiancé.

In the end, the hero emerges much wiser, but as it often happens, our hero will do so only just before dying.

C. Character Structure: Dramatic Triangle

Three characters (Parisa, Badahur, Philip) wrapped up in a web where there are deeper implications to their relationships than what we see in the beginning.

• Parisa wants her fiancé back. She knows that Philip advised him to break up with her, but at the start, she does not know why he did so. Eventually, she finds that Philip is a deadly threat to her fiancé.
• Badahur wants Parisa out of danger, but he needs her help. As the poison makes him weaker and weaker, he depends on Philip for protection, but he knows Philip could kill him as well.
• Philip’s task is to the prevent Bahadur to give away the secret, even if he had to kill him to accomplish this — rescuing him is just another option. He considers Parisa an extra load, which is sometimes hard to bear.

The three of them want to escape the Ruler’s evil hunting.

D. Lead Characters

• PARISA, French background, is a cheerleader who fights in the underground MMA to rescue her fiancé — unaware that he is in the middle of a crime conspiracy, her involvement often makes things more dangerous and complicated.
• BAHADUR is Parisa’s fiancé, an underground MMA fighter who was poisoned with a time-bound substance as he unwillingly keeps the secret location of a weapon of mass destruction. He broke with Parisa to keep her out of danger, but she is his only hope as the clock is ticking.
• PHILIP is a secret agent whose task is preventing Bahadur to give away the secret, even by killing him if so was needed; rescuing him is just another option — but at the start, Parisa misjudges him, as he made her fiancé break up with her before the two men run away.
• THE RULER is the head of the underground MMA, which is a screen to hide the criminal organization that wants to steal Bahadur’s secret.

Note: the following characters are not leading roles, but I also include them here as this might help everyone understand the plot. The number of characters does not exceed the cast of similar movies, say, Mortal Kombat where one hero, two co-protagonists and their mentor fight against a sorcerer, his champion, an immortal princess, a mercenary and three warrior demons. A total of eleven characters. Another classic of this genre, Bruce Lee’s Enter the Dragon features ten characters as well.

• RUTHLESS a female underground MMA prizefighter, born to chew her opponents and known by her motto: “I can kill you twice”
• SHAHNAZ, a massive, muscle-packed, Middle East fighter, named “The Ruler’s favorite,” also known as the one who “floods the cage with rage”
• MAN IN A TUNIC is the Ruler’s right hand, the mastermind behind every criminal plan of the Ruler.
• SYLVAIN, French background, is Parisa’s uncle, an MMA manager who, unaware of the link with the criminals, he first introduces Bahadur to the underground MMA, and later he helps Parisa to get signed in as well.

E. Dramatic Question:

Can Parisa overcome her fears, become a fighter, win the poison’s antidote and get her fiancé back?

F. Main Conflict:

In the world of martial arts, the main conflict is always within the hero. The lives of Parisa and her fiancé depend on her having the courage to do what frightens her. By conquering her fears, she will succeed in the deadly MMA tournament, win the antidote, and get her fiancé back.

G. Dilemma:

Parisa, Bahadur and Philip end up imprisoned by the Ruler. Badahur has been poisoned and the clock is ticking. They are in the middle of the desert. There is no escape. They must join a tournament and win two out of three fights to avoid being killed. They also need to win the final match to get the poison’s antidote as a prize. But Philip gets killed, and Bahadur gets weaker and weaker due to the poisoning. Their only hope is Parisa, who is just a fearful cheerleader, not a real MMA fighter. What’s worse, they know that the Ruler wants the secret that Bahadur keeps, so even by winning the tournament, their escape is pretty much unlikely.

H. Theme:

To escape, sometimes you need to stop running.

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any):

Parisa changes from a fearful woman and goes into someone who not only builds strengths from her weakness, she is also able to overcome what frightens her. She defeats opponents who are stronger than her in the MMA octagon cage.

2. Your 9 beat structure, one sentence per beat

<div>

1. Opening

</div>

PARISA, a lonely woman, gets up on a treadmill. Pictures on the wall show memories of her career as cheerleader and coach. Meantime, somewhere else in an underground MMA octagon cage, her fiancé BAHADUR faces SHAHNAZ, a massive, muscle-packed fighter. Bahadur looks disoriented. There is a cut in his arm. Poison. On the opponent’s corner, A MAN IN A TUNIC holds up a knife and grins. MMA manager, SYLVAIN, demands the fight to be stopped. Nobody listens.

2. Inciting Incident

Parisa abruptly stops the treadmill. A TEXT PREVIEW displays on her cellphone screen. Parisa’s uncle, MMA manager, Sylvain says: “I’M SORRY. HE’S GONE. THEY TOOK HIM”. Parisa wipes her tears and texts back: ‘HELP ME. I MUST FIND HIM.”

<div>

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

</div>

MMA manager, Sylvain, introduces his niece, Parisa, to a group of open-mouthed RING MASTERS who can’t stop looking at her with both, lust and disbelief. Parisa enters the octagon cage for an “audition.” After just a couple of minutes, she gets almost KO, eye-swollen, badly beaten. Sylvain and Parisa are ready to leave, but the ring masters cannot let a charming woman get away just like that. Parisa still gets signed in. She is an underground MMA prizefighter now.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1

Parisa wonders how long it will take for her to develop the skills of a real fighter. Sylvain persuades Parisa to try dance lessons, because “you fight the way you dance.” Skeptical, she first laughs and refuses to try, but then she takes salsa and samba with coaches who, unbeknownst to her — but not to Sylvain, they are masters of Shuaijiao (Chinese traditional wrestling) and Brazilian Capoeira. They build up martial arts strengths from her cheerleader attributes: coordination, flexibility, awareness of space and time, agility, fast-twitch muscles, and acro-gymnastic ability.

5. Mid-Point

Parisa looks for her fiancé everywhere in the underground MMA facility just to bump into RUTHLESS a brawny female fighter who warns Parisa not to mess around with her. Over the next couple of weeks, Parisa’s dance lessons produce results. Meanwhile, after several rescue attempts, PHILIP, Bahadur’s alleged runaway partner, finally gets Bahadur out of captivity. Parisa follows them, but they get ambushed. Now the three are prisoners of THE RULER, a criminal determined to extract Bahadur’s secret at any cost.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2

Parisa discovers that breaking up with Bahadur was a way to keep her safe. Philip, the man who run away with him, is a secret agent in charge of preventing Bahadur to give away the secret… killing Bahadur if so was needed, rescuing him is just another option. Badahur was poisoned with a time-bound substance. Philip administers him a drug to delay the effects of the poison. The clock is ticking. They are transported to somewhere in the middle of the desert where a deadly tournament will take place. They must win two out of three fights to avoid death and Parisa must fight in one of the rounds. To win the poison’s antidote, they must win the final match. Parisa starts training under Bahadur’s expert coaching.

7. Crisis

The match Parisa versus Ruthless inaugurates the tournament. Ruthless gets hurt and Parisa wins. Yet, the team don’t let their guard down and think on a new escape plan. “Perhaps… we should stop running,” Parisa proposes. Bahadur disagrees. They plan to steal a cellphone and send a message out. The plan works, but right when Philip is about to press “SEND”, a bullet kills him.

8. Climax

Philip is dead and Bahadur is too weak to fight. Parisa says: “It’s time to stop running” and takes Badahur’s place in the octagon with the Ruler’s favorite, Shahnaz. Against the odds, she wins the antidote. She emerges much wiser, but she is badly hurt. After she hands in the antidote to her fiancé, she collapses. It’s the end. Right then, a DRONE SQUAD and soldiers arrive. Philip’s message went through! The Ruler is busted. Badahur urges paramedics to help the lifeless woman in his arms. DARKNESS.

9. Resolution

Badahur quietly rolls a wheelchair into the gym where Parisa’s old cheerleaders team rehearse. Still bruised, but recovering, Parisa shares her discovery with her former students: “Cheering means encouraging others to conquer their fears, to stop running. Everyone should be a cheerleader for others in real life.”

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Kate Hawkes]

Hi Antonio – wow! A lot of detail here.. can you re-post with just the 1-2 sentence summary of each beat? I am confused reading all the Int/Ext aspects of each beat… Also what is MMA?

[Antonio]

Hi Kate —

I fleshed it out. Let me know.

MMA = Mixed Martial Arts

[Dev Ross]

Thank you, June, for some really specific and thought-provoking comments! I’m afraid that in the limitations of one sentence for each of 9 beats, I neglected to clarify the mechanics of how I saw my story evolve. That said – though I REALLY like the idea of body switching, I feel compelled to go with my first instinct (just to try it out) which would be to tell my story through lens of the String Theory/multiverse lens. My idea is to cast the story in a world where climate change has so become a threat that it is ripping apart the protective fabric of a multiverse reality. Through-out my story, I see the fabric tearing, thus allowing one universe to bleed into the next. In one universe, Caine is a KKK member and in the other he is the opposite – a Black Community Leader. At the moment Caine becomes Lincoln, it’s because he’s slipped into that universe’s reality. So, this means that I am playing with them not realizing at all that they are each other until the final moment. Again, your comments gave me pause and I can clearly see that if my current trajectory doesn’t work, I have another choice! Thank you!

[Dev Ross]

Thanks for your comments, Lisa! I’m hoping in my next pass to fill in all the ‘logic’ stuff on how this works! I can see how in 9 beats I really did NOT make that clear. I’m going to forego the ‘body switching’ idea for now as I’m pushing ahead with the idea of String Theory which promotes the idea of multi-universes existing side by side. My idea is to use extreme climate to tear at the fabric of one existing universe so that it bleeds into another. The result – at the end- is that both of the former universes were destroyed to birth the new one at the end. Make sense? Probably not but it’s a challenge that I’m taking on… for now.

[Anita Gomez]

Subject: (Anita Gomez) SLW Version 1

ASSIGNMENT: Post your Story Logic Web for feedback.

1. KEY COMPONENTS:

A. CONCEPT:

A young woman who can’t access an abortion abandons her baby at birth only to learn years later that the child is her best hope for a life-saving transplant, leading her to search for a daughter she never wanted.

B. Plot CHOICE:

Plot #12 — “TRANSFORMATION”

C. CHARACTER STRUCTURE:

Dramatic Triangle: A woman who abandoned her baby at birth seeks her out as a grown woman, initially as a transplant donor, but discovering along the way that she actually wants a relationship with her daughter, who herself has grown into a cold loner with abandonment issues.

D. LEAD CHARACTERS:

Danica is a woman with an unwanted pregnancy who can’t access an abortion because of the state she lives in. The father, Cyrus, is her superior at work, an influential conservative lawyer-turned-judge, who was instrumental in forming the anti-abortion law. The baby (Dianna) is adopted and grows into a brilliant young woman doing medical genetic research, but becomes an even colder, emotionally detached version of her mother, so much so she kills the father so her mother gets his kidney.

E. Dramatic Question:

To abort or carry out a pregnancy for a single woman who doesn’t want the child and whose life is put in jeopardy by the pregnancy.

F. Main Conflict:

The woman’s health is failing and she needs to find the now-grown daughter for a transplant.

G. Dilemma:

Choice #1 – Abort the child against her religious beliefs

Choice #2 – Have the child at great personal risk

LATER, the Dilemma morphs into: Give the child away / Find the child for selfish reasons.

H. Theme:

That there is no one perfect answer to an unwanted pregnancy – that an unwanted pregnancy often leads to an unwanted child.

I. Character Arc of Lead Character:

Danica doesn’t want a child, but faced with her own mortality she desires to meet her brilliant daughter for who she is, not what she can do; only to find out her daughter has turned into the emotionally cold woman she herself once was.

OUTLINE

1. Opening Scene:

My Protagonist is in the throes of childbirth (we don’t see her face yet). It isn’t going well, and we hear from the doctors that she could die. GRAPHIC: “9 Months Earlier”

2. Inciting Incident:

Our lead is in high-end law offices after hours. She is a junior attorney, strong and ambitious, working on a case. A senior partner (Cyrus) comes in, flirting with her in an all-too-familiar way. She confronts him with the fact that she is pregnant and past the 6 weeks allowable for an abortion in her state. In fact, he was instrumental in passing this law. We see him revealed as the hypocrite he is (ultra right-wing; married with his own kids; but still offering to send her away for an abortion)

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

Our lead confides in her Evangelical sister (mother of 2 kids herself) that she doesn’t want this child and wants to flee the state for an abortion. She fears for her health, having been born with only 1 kidney and reminds the sister how she herself almost died in childbirth, twice. The sister guilt-trips her / tells her she’ll grow to love the child. The woman flees the state. She makes an abortion appointment, but at the last minute, can’t go through with it.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1

We are back at the opening scene of a wretched birthing experience. The woman in labor blacks out; we now see her as our lead character. She regains consciousness to the sounds of a screaming infant. A nurse tries to hand her the baby daughter, saying she is fine – except she too was born with the mother’s genetic defect of having only one kidney. The new mother turns away from the squalling infant. Her sister’s words haunting her, the new mother is unable to bond with her newborn and abandons her at a “Safe Haven” firehouse telling the child, “I never wanted you” leaving a note: “Her name is Dianna” (an unconscious act of narcissism)

5. Mid-Point

We follow our protagonist as her ambitions bear fruit and she climbs the legal ladder. She is cold, hard, and driven, and a compulsive marathon runner… who over, time, begins to show signs of minor health issues like fatigue and loss of stamina. Concurrently, the former senior partner / biological father of her child, Cyrus, continues to be promoted – first to judge, then as Circuit Court judge, putting him once again in Danica’s professional orbit. Meanwhile the now-adopted baby has grown into a brilliant young woman, who at the age of 20 has graduated college and become a genetics researcher. (We see the same cold hard ambitious edge her biological mother has, exemplified by her pathological inability to connect with boyfriends or co-workers.) Then, the Protagonist’s sister dies from kidney failure. Our lead sees her own doctor and is told she too has kidney disease, and must have a transplant to survive. She is told her best chance for survival is a close relative and so, begins seeking out her daughter’s whereabouts.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2

In the course of her work she must prepare for arguments being heard to restrict abortions in the state where she now lives and she is tapped to argue against this (taking a pro-abortion stance). She learns that the father of her abandoned child will be the Circuit Appeals Judge (notorious for continuously obstructing abortion rights) who will be hearing the case.

7. Crisis

She argues passionately in her presentation stating, “Not everyone’s cut out to be a parent. Not everyone SHOULD be a parent… and yet, life IS sacred”. In her intensely conflicted zealousness she collapses – both mentally and physically. The woman goes on a concentrated search for Dianna, the daughter, and using a “23&Me” type genetic app, finds her. She contacts Dianna, not disclosing who she is – only a ‘close relative’; and in the course of email exchanges, the two women agree to meet. We, the audience, are unsure of her motives.

8. Climax

Dianna gets into her silver sedan driving to the early morning appointment set to meet her mother. We see a man bending over to get the morning paper from his driveway. She’s momentarily distracted. Brakes Squeal.

Blackout.

9. Resolution

Eyes blink open. The hospital room looks eerily similar to the opening scene. It is, once again, our protagonist but current day. A TV is on, set to the news. Wincing in pain Danica gets out of bed and walks to a mirror, lifting her gown to reveal a long scar mid-back. She has gotten her transplant, but looks confused. Her daughter, Dianna walks in, smiling, fresh as a daisy. The mother is stunned silent… this is obviously her daughter, as they practically look like sisters. Dianna turns to the TV and raises the volume with the remote. The anchor is reporting on the tragic death of Circuit Appeals Court Judge Cyrus at his home this morning, the only lead a silver sedan seen on the street … if anyone has more information… TV switched off, Dianna turns to her mother, “Well, at least he did one thing right in his life – he signed up as an organ donor.”

[Kate Hawkes]

HI Anita,

I am not sure if you have feedback yet but here (unsolicited) are some thoughts from me – for what it’s worth.

Really hot topic!

if the Dramatic Q was stated as a Q not a statement what would it be?

not sure if it is Triangle..
Danica (Mother) becomes a lawyer – arguing for Abortion rights
Diana (daughter) becomes a geneticist
Cyrus – the father/lawyer – how involved is he in each of these women’s lives?
other than on the edges..
if he is, what is his story and needs?

I don’t know why Dianna kills Cyrus
or how and when she knows about the kidney transplant need
or that he is her father??

is the story about Danika and Dianna?
if so I want to see more of their interactions and her adoptive family etc

I think the abortion debate is really good and if within the context of the 2 womens’ relationship and all that brings up perhaps would be more powerful as a statement.

I guess it feels as if this 2 stories and I am not sure what to focus on.

I look forward to the next edition!
Kate

[Anita Gomez]

Hi Kate,

Thanks for the good feedback! It’s difficult to communicate all the nuances of the story and relationships — and I didn’t even stick to the 2 sentence request under the 9 beats! I agree with your point about the under-developed father. I believe he is the necessary tension in this dramatic triangle, even if he is understated. He (for me) represents many of society’s opinions about women and pregnancy…. Especially having an opinion about forcing a woman to have an unwanted child, and then having no interest in supporting that child once born. In essence, he gives someone for Danica to rail against.

In fleshing out Dianna’s character I intend to establish her as brilliant but unstable. She goes into genetic research because of her own anatomical anomaly and uncovers others with kidney deficiency, which includes her mother. Her mother doesn’t realize Dianna knows who she is.

I hope to incorporate these clarifications in the next draft.

Thanks!

-Anita

[anna harper]

Hello Anita, I would love to partner up. Your story looks super interesting. Thanks Anna

[Anita Gomez]

Hi Anna,

I took Sunday off, so just now seeing this request. There’s a lot to unpack in your posted SLW… I will make some time for comments now, then it looks like we’re needing to move on to the next assignment!

Regards,

Anita

[Antonio]

Hello, Anita!

I was posting my invite for feedback exchange here, but then I found that there is already a version 2. I will comment on that version if you accept my invitation.

Please find my VERSION 3 as post #4 on this page of the forum.

Please note that V2 and V3 are one next to the other, so please select V3.

Antonio

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Anita Gomez]

Hi Antonio!

Thanks for wanting to exchange feedback.

I have read your version 3. Really have one main comment… maybe brief up the Concept by just saying the BF was poisoned (abducted and how poisoned doesn’t seem overly important to me up front) as the story is about the GirlFriend and her journey.

Regards,

-Anita

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s SLW Version 2

Concept:

A patient with multiple personality disorder calls a radio psychiatrist and warns her that his more dominant and violent personality will kill one member her kidnapped family every hour on air unless she can excise his violent personality before the end of the show.

Plot Choice: #8 – Rivalry

Character Structure: #1 Protagonist vs. Antagonist

Lead Characters:

Protagonist: Dr. Ellen – Radio psychiatrist desperate to save her family.

Protagonist: Detective – Head of the police investigation determined to find the caller.

Antagonist: Caller – Patient threatening to kill Dr. Ellen’s family.

Dramatic Question:

Will the psychiatrist be able to stop the patient/caller from murdering her family?

Main Conflict:

A dangerous patient threatens to kill a radio psychiatrist’s family on air if she doesn’t excise his more violent personality before the end of the show.

Dilemma:

Will she abandon her medical ethics to manipulate her patient into harming himself to save her family?

Theme:

What would you sacrifice to save another?

Plot/Structure:

1. Opening:

Heading to work, Ellen receives a call from her producer that she’s late to a staff meeting with the station manager that Ellen forgot. Already anxious, her husband calls next and tells Ellen that his car won’t start, that he’s using Uber to drop their children off at school before heading to work. He asks if she can pick them up after her show, and they have a fight over responsibility. She hangs up with a few harsh words.

At work, she arrives to the staff meeting as everyone is leaving. Mortified, she meets with the station manager alone. They discuss her ratings and how she needs to improve them. He knows she’s new to radio, but she spends too much time with each caller. She professes ratings are secondary to helping her patients. He tells her she can’t spend the entire show with one caller.

2. Inciting Incident:

Ellen takes a call from a man who claims to suffer from multiple personality disorder. Good ratings. But he soon tells Ellen that his dominant and violent personality has kidnapped her family and that he intends to kill one of them every hour on air unless she can excise the personality before the end of the show.

Believing the call is a crank, her producer hangs up the call and goes to a commercial. Ellen calls her husband to confirm her family’s safety, but his phone goes to voicemail. Her children also have not arrived at school yet. The school promises to call when they arrive.

Concerned and unnerved, Ellen continues her show, though distracted. She keeps texting and calling her husband, while the station manager calls the police as a precaution.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about:

A dangerous patient has kidnapped Ellen’s family and is about to play a game of life and death with her on air.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1:

The detective has arrived at the station, believing this to be a snipe hunt. A crank caller. While questioning Ellen, her husband calls into the show. On air, he confirms that he and their daughters have been kidnapped. But when the patient comes on the line, the violent personality has taken control, and he threatens to kill everyone if Ellen doesn’t play along.

The game has started.

5. Midpoint:

Recognizing the caller as an ex-patient, Ellen remains on air desperate to talk him down while the detective runs the investigation from the radio station. The call cannot be traced. They don’t know why. But they have one lead – the Uber driver. But when SWAT kicks in the door, they find the Uber driver dead in his home. It’s not him.

Laughing at the police incompetence, the violent personality, now in control, informs Ellen it’s time for her choose which member of her family must die. Unable to choose, the caller threatens her daughters, and when she pleads for them not to be harmed, she has chosen by default. The caller shoots her husband on air.

Ellen bolts from the studio and falls into the detective’s arms in an emotional breakdown. He becomes her strength and gets her back into the studio. After a long, silent moment, with the police unable to find the man, Ellen understands what she must do: extract the patient’s suppressed, manic-depressive personality and manipulate him to kill himself to save her daughters.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2:

Having successfully drawn the manic-depressive personality from her patient, she pushes him to commit suicide. The patient pleads for her not to do this to him, and although her anguish of harming him is obvious, she presses him harder, sacrificing her ethics and her patient to save her daughters.

7. Crisis:

The violent personality reemerges to foil the psychiatrist’s plan.

8. Climax:

The cops have identified the patient’s possible location. SWAT is racing to the scene while Ellen pits the two personalities against each other, pushing the patient to kill himself before his violent side can kill one of her daughters. It’s a race against time, the top of the hour is coming up. But before SWAT arrives, the gun goes off. Nothing is heard. Everyone on edge, listening through the phone.

Moments later, she hears SWAT kick in the door. But as they clear the house, the call goes dead.

The detective burst into the studio. SWAT found the patient dead. A self-inflicted wound. Her daughters are safe. Ellen collapses in an emotional heap.

9. Resolution:

The detective puts Ellen in the back of a car and sends her to meet her daughters. They wave goodbye to each other as she is driven away. It’s over.

At the police station, the detective receives congratulations from his lieutenant and the other detectives. Seated as his desk, he receives a phone call from a physician at a local hospital. The physician informs the detective that his clinic had been holding the patient/ caller for a 10-day observation and he was released that morning. The detective realizes there had to be someone else involved.

Aerial shot over the city. Another radio show is talking about Ellen’s nightmare when the morning host receives a call. The patient/caller is on the phone and tells host, “I’m a long-time listener. And first-time caller.”

Character Arc:

Protagonist: Dr. Ellen – Radio host to powerful psychiatrist who saves her family.

Protagonist: Detective – Reluctant to determined investigator.

Antagonist: Caller/Patient – Patient with multiple personality disorder to cold-blooded murderer.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Dana Abbott.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Dana Abbott.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Dana,

Multiple personality is not an easy plot choice. But I think you have worked out most of the story well. I only have a couple of things that I’m not certain of reading your plot structure:

1. Perhaps the detective’s personality needs to come through more as the second main character?

2. Maybe Ellen becomes a success at the end despite the trauma of it all…bringing it full circle?

3. The final paragraph of the Resolution: Is the new caller the same guy with another personality and somehow, he didn’t die? Is it a copy-cat? Did the original caller use the phrase, “I’m a long-time listener and first-time caller”? So that the audience thinks, ‘here we go again’?

Overall, you have a strong story and characters. I can see it play out in my mind. Looking forward to seeing more!

[Dana Abbott]

Hi Lisa.

Thanks for the critique. To answer your questions:

1) Yes, the detective has a bigger role to play. He runs the investigation and provides Ellen with support. There are scenes that will explore his character, but the beats center more on Ellen and the caller, which is why the detective seems incidental. I may need to explore him in SLW v.3.

2) Not sure what happens to Ellen. Exploring her in the Resolution may not work because…

3) It’s a trick ending. The caller at the end is a completely different person who organized the whole thing to torture Ellen. He grabbed the family and the patient and made it look like the patient was responsible, killing him at the end before the police arrive.

The last call at the end, he’s starting over with someone else.

And yes, the caller calls Ellen’s show saying “Long time listener. First time caller,” in the beginning. That’s the name of the screenplay. First Time Caller.

I read your second version, but now I see you have a third. Let me read your third, and I’ll post in a little while.

Thanks for your help. And I’ll get back soon.

Dana

[Kate Hawkes]

Hi Dana much clearer.!

a few Qs – I wanted more about the Ellen’s reaction to the husband being shot

maybe set up their relationship – good? bad?
and then how that affects the detective?
and then perhaps their relationship?

and I am still a bit confused at the end-

what patient was held/released ?
how does that mean he knows there is someone else?
and surely the police would identify the body?
It seems a bit rushed.

also how did this affect the issue with the ratings at the show?

maybe that eerie call comes a few weeks later – after Ellen has recovered, is back at work, the kids are in therapy (!!) perhaps had a date with the detective or been really angry with him or something,.,.
and then the call? .

just throwing it out there.

:))

[Dana Abbott]

Kate

Thanks for hour second critique. You made some good points. The
relationship between Ellen and the detective – I really need to give the
guy a name – needs definition. I didn’t want to put too much detail in
the 9 beats. But when she collapses in his arms, I might need to add a
few more lines. As the caller tears her down emotionally, the detective
builds her up.

The ending is still confusing I agree. Again, I didn’t want to put too much detail here. Maybe a bit more. The detective is the motivator with the fact of the investigation, which are learned in the missing scenes. The 9 Beats are more focused on Ellen and the patient.

But your questions are right on. I need to figure how to implement these ideas into the Resolution.

Creating time at the end is a good idea.

The radio host can discuss what happens to Ellen, a week having gone by, to conclude her story — taking time from her show to recover with her daughters and wish her luck in her recovery — before he takes the call.

[Cameron Martin]

General Note: While I appreciate knowing more of what happens in the story, I would try to sum up the essence of what happens in each plot point in one to two sentences max. I realize this might sound hypocritical coming from me with regards to my concept, POSSESSING EDEN, and it’s definitely an area I need to fix as well. The reason for the one sentence rule Hal gave us is because it develops a stronger understanding of what our goals are with each plot point, and too much extra context hides any potential flaws or vagueness that could be found in the our intent with each plot point. I’ve tried summarizing in one sentence what I think the turning points are in each plot point below as an example. I apologize if I got any wrong.

Concept – This is such a strong concept. I don’t know how it doesn’t sell.

Plot Choice – For this to be a true Rivalry, the protagonist and antagonist have to compete for the same goal. For example, AMADEUS introduces us to Mozart and Salieri, two musicians competing to be the best in music. Other films like DODGEBALL and CRAZY RICH ASIANS have a similar set up of one object for two characters to compete for. Right now, I’d say the plot feels closer to Rescue than Rivalry. If you want it to be closer to Rivalry, I’d give the violent personality a complex that has him compete with the psychiatrist, to prove to her that he’s more equipped to protect the patient and his other personalities than she is. What works there is the tragic end that proves him right in a way, because the psychiatrist does do more harm to the patient than the violent personality does. It also makes the violent personality sympathetic. He’s trying to protect the patient, but is psychologically too damaged to do so without threatening harm to everyone around the patient. Just a thought.

Character Structure – Yep! Keep it simple. Works perfectly and keeps our attention on the raw intensity of the dilemma.

Lead Characters – I wouldn’t identify the detective as a second protagonist. Having more than one protagonist driving the story forward leads to a lot of confusion and a lesser sum of the parts of your story. Unless it’s absolutely necessary, make Dr. Ellen the sole protagonist, and have her drive ALL of the action in the story. It makes her a stronger protagonist to root for, and it gives you the opportunity to make her really freaking smart. The detective is best served as a supporting character.

Dramatic Question – Yep! No complaints.

Main Conflict – Nothing to add. The whole concept just works.

Dilemma – Great angle. Don’t know if it’d piss off a lot of professionals in the mental health world (not my area of expertise), but the irony of someone using a knowledge solely intended for good for the purposes of murder is story gold.

Theme – Yeah, I guess so. Theme is a hard concept to nail down. Only note is to change it from a question to a statement. For example, THE LAST OF US (video game) doesn’t ask the audience what they would do for someone they loved. The game shows us exactly what we’d do if we were in Joel’s situation and everything we’d sacrifice. Robert McKee talks about getting a character “to the end of the line.” Dr. Ellen legitimately becomes a monster by the end of the story in her active pursuit to convince someone to kill themselves. Maybe another way to describe your theme would be “To defeat the monsters in life, you must become as they are.” That’s probably a little harsh, but it’s a theme that hits a lot harder with every story beat that supports it.

Opening – “Dr. Ellen, a struggling radio show host that uses her psychiatric background for callers, gets a phone call from her husband that he’ll be taking an Uber to get him and the kids to work and school.” There’s a lot going on here that’s good. You’re setting up the world and the characters, and most importantly you’re giving us a reason to sympathize and root for Dr. Ellen. Her show’s ratings are in the gutter and she needs to improve them. That is a feeling we all know too well. <div>

Inciting Incident – “Dr. Ellen accepts a call on her show from a man who claims to suffer from multiple personality disorder…and that he’s kidnapped her husband and kids, whom he plans to kill if she is unsuccessful in excising the violent personality before the end of the show.” Everything else is irrelevant for now. This is about the point where the protagonist’s life is affected in some dramatic way that calls them to “adventure.” You pretty much nail that with the phone call.

By page 10, you know what the movie is about – While what you have is technically true (and one sentence), consider elevating it by including just what Dr. Ellen has to sacrifice in order to win her family back. Is there some flaw Dr. Ellen must overcome in order to win, or is it an oath holding her back. In THE DARK KNIGHT, the major dilemma is introduced fairly early that Batman will not kill, and that this is a weakness The Joker will exploit without a doubt in the audience’s mind. It’s not necessary to include something heavier than what you have, but it adds a lot.

First turning point at end of Act 1 – “A skeptical detective who joins the show is proven wrong when the violent personality has the husband call into the show to validate the personality’s threat to kill him and the two daughters.” This feels like something that would’ve belonged in the Inciting Incident. I mean, on one hand there’s some tension created. But, I mean, we’ve seen the trailer. We know there actually is a kidnapping and what the demands for the psychiatrist are. It’s why we paid near $50 to see the movie at the theater. So why drag it out for half an act? Give Dr. Ellen a choice here. Give her something she can’t come back from that links to your theme. This will do two things. First, the first act keeps a breakneck pace into the second act, thus keeping the reader and eventual audience on the edge of their seats. Second, it elevates both Dr. Ellen and gravity of the scene. Structurally, the Act 1 turning point is the “Point of No Return” for your protagonist. It is the point where THEY embark on THEIR journey, making a sacrifice that prevents them from ever going back to the way things were. It isn’t necessarily the moment that placed upon them, but the choice they make. (STAR WARS – Luke doesn’t just join Obi-Wan and cross the threshold because his aunt and uncle are now dead. He still has a choice, but the deaths of his aunt and uncle light a fire under him that compels him to pull the trigger and seek justice on their behalf. SILENCE OF THE LAMBS – Clarice doesn’t just open up to Hannibal because he’s there. She also has a choice of whether to follow the rule book or risk her life to save another. Her crossing the threshold moment is when she makes the choice to open up to Hannibal and allow herself to be a case for him.) What real choice does Dr. Ellen make here?

Midpoint – “When regular means of capturing the kidnapper fail, Dr. Ellen witnesses the death of her husband, ramping up her desperation to the point of where she now plans to bring out the kidnapper’s manic depressive personality and have him kill himself on air.” The Midpoint of a story structurally is where the story turns on its head (TOY STORY – Woody and Buzz are still trying to get home, but now they’re stuck in Sid’s house (potential danger to real danger). ALIENS – Ripley and the Marines go from being on offense to the defensive and getting the hell out. GLADIATOR – Maximus enters the Colosseum and reveals himself to Commodus. FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING – Frodo takes on the permanent of role of Ring Bearer). This pretty much happens here with the Dr. Ellen’s goals shifting and where the rest of the film continues with the audience knowing the kidnapper’s threat is legit. People have now died.

Second turning point at end of Act 2 – It’s down to two sentences, which is fine. We get the idea. The second turning point of Act 2 is structurally the “All is Lost” and “Dark Night of the Soul” part of the story. It’s where things get “real” and all measures must be taken to assure victory (TOY STORY – Buzz is strapped to a rocket and will explode tomorrow morning. ALIENS – Newt is captured and the only one left who can go after her is Ripley. GLADIATOR – Maximus’ escape plot fails, and his allies are either arrested or killed. FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING – Gandalf dies, thus initiating the collapse of the Fellowship). Functionally, what you have meets this goal, but it has me wondering what else transpired between the Midpoint and the Second turning point of Act 2. That’s almost 25 minutes of run time to get to where we see the manic depressive personality, which is fine, but we kinda already knew we were going there. What turning point happens here that differentiates itself from what we’ve seen before?

Crisis – You have it down to one sentence, but it’s very vague. The Crisis is where the true gravity of the situation comes into play or a critical rule must be broken (TOY STORY – Buzz isn’t freed in time, prompting the toys break their number 1 rule. ALIENS – We see the alien queen for the first time, and she goes after Ripley and Newt. GLADIATOR – Commodus stabs Maximus, mortally wounding him and placing him at a critical disadvantage. FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING – Boromir turns on Frodo, prompting Frodo to wear the ring, which announces to the forces of Mordor exactly where he is). The problem is that Dr. Ellen reaches her lowest, most desperate point so early in the story that she has nowhere to go here. It’s basically the same beat as what we saw in the Midpoint on repeat. Is there some new angle we can approach that beat from to make this unique? Another example of this is A FEW GOOD MEN: Midpoint – We’re trying to get out of a trial to We’re going to trial. Second turning point of Act 2 – “Shit, our key witness killed himself. We’re doomed!” to “Let’s put Col. Jessup on the stand!” Crisis – “Shit, our plan to get Col. Jessup to confess didn’t work!” to “I’m either getting a confession or getting court marshaled! Let’s go!” Notice each part turned the plot and escalated the stakes until they finally reached their highest point, just in time for the climax. Prior to the Midpoint, Lt. Kaffee didn’t even want to risk a court appearance. By the end of the Crisis, he was willing to risk a court marshal. If Dr. Ellen is already willing to risk her oath and ethics by the Midpoint, what else can she risk in each subsequent plot point? Either there has to be something more serious to her than her oath as a medical professional, or the Midpoint has to flip the script in some other way.

Climax – “Dr. Ellen succeeds in convincing her former client to kill himself, all on air, allowing the SWAT team to rescue her children without further casualties.” This is a pretty good climax, but I worry that the SWAT team being in the right place reduces the pressure on Dr. Ellen and the situation at large, unless they’re stuck in some way. The climax for THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS worked so well because Clarice was at the right house, all alone, while her backup was at the wrong house miles away. It was up to her and her alone, just as it should be. This is Dr. Ellen’s battle, and no one should be capable of helping her in the final moments.

Resolution – “Dr. Ellen reunites with her daughters, while the detective discovers that the kidnapper was working with someone whose still at large, a someone that calls on another radio show, “I’m a long-time listener. And first-time caller.” Love the setup for a sequel. I’m curious to know if Dr. Ellen will be losing her license, testifying in court for murder, losing her children, etc. Perhaps these are all subplots that happen in the sequel. This is a real bittersweet ending, but I’m not sure it should end any other way with how you’ve set it up. I’m honestly conflicted, because on one hand, it’s not a triumphant victory at all, but a tragedy. At the same time, the tone established and the journey Dr. Ellen takes warrants it. She’s a tragic anti-hero in the end, setting up for a sequel similar to ALIENS, where she fights through the nightmare once again, both internal and external, and maybe rises truly triumphant in the end. I don’t know what you’re plans are, I’m just spitballing ideas. I’ll tell you what, your story leaves an audience with a lot to talk about and ponder, and that’s an awesome thing to have.

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

</div>

[Dev Ross]

Hi Matthew!

My two cents is that I agree that Ascension works clean and clear! I loved the Hunger Games, especially the books, and though this is not like them, it has the same kind of flawed hero we can get behind.

[Anita Gomez]

Subject: (Anita Gomez) SLW Version 2

1. KEY COMPONENTS:

A. CONCEPT:

A young woman who can’t access an abortion abandons her baby at birth only to learn years later that the child is her best hope for a life-saving transplant, leading her to search for a daughter she never wanted.

B. Plot CHOICE:

Plot #12 — “TRANSFORMATION”

C. CHARACTER STRUCTURE:

Dramatic Triangle: A woman who abandoned her baby at birth seeks her out as a grown woman, initially as a transplant donor, but discovering along the way that she actually wants a relationship with her daughter, who herself has grown into a cold loner with abandonment issues.

D. LEAD CHARACTERS:

Danica is a woman with an unwanted pregnancy, and at health risk, who can’t access an abortion because of the state she lives in.

Cyrus is the biological father, Danica’s superior at work — an influential conservative lawyer-turned-judge, who was instrumental in forming the anti-abortion law and yet because he is married with kids, he wants Danica to have an abortion to save his reputation.

The baby (Dianna) is adopted and grows into a brilliant young woman doing medical genetic research, but becomes an even colder, emotionally detached version of her mother, so much so she kills the father so her mother gets his kidney.

E. Dramatic Question:

Should a woman with an unwanted pregnancy be forced to carry a child to term which puts her own life in jeopardy?

F. Main Conflict:

The woman’s health is failing and she needs to find the now-grown daughter for a transplant.

G. Dilemma:

Choice #1 – Abort the child against her religious beliefs

Choice #2 – Have the child at great personal risk

LATER, the Dilemma morphs into: Give the child away / Find the child for selfish reasons.

H. Theme:

That there is no one perfect answer to an unwanted pregnancy – that an unwanted pregnancy often leads to an unwanted child.

I. Character Arc of Lead Character:

Danica doesn’t want a child, but faced with her own mortality she desires to meet her brilliant daughter for who she is, not what she can do; only to find out her daughter has turned into the emotionally cold woman she herself once was.

OUTLINE

1. Opening Scene:

My Protagonist is in the throes of childbirth (we don’t see her face yet). It isn’t going well, and we hear from the doctors that she could die. GRAPHIC: “9 Months Earlier”

2. Inciting Incident:

Our lead (Danica) is in high-end law offices after hours. She is a junior attorney, strong and ambitious, working on a case. A senior partner (Cyrus) comes in, flirting with her in an all-too-familiar way. She confronts him with the fact that she is pregnant and past the 6 weeks allowable for an abortion in her state. In fact, he was instrumental in passing this law. We see him revealed as the hypocrite he is (ultra right-wing; married with his own kids; but still offering to send her away for an abortion)

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

Danica confides in her Evangelical sister (mother of 2 kids herself) that she doesn’t want this child and wants to flee the state for an abortion. She fears for her health, having been born with only 1 kidney and reminds the sister how she herself almost died in childbirth, twice. The sister guilt-trips her / tells her she’ll grow to love the child. The woman flees the state. She makes an abortion appointment, but at the last minute, can’t go through with it.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1

We are back at the opening scene of a wretched birthing experience. The woman in labor blacks out; we now see her as our lead character. She regains consciousness to the sounds of a screaming infant. A nurse tries to hand her the baby daughter, saying she is fine – except she too was born with the mother’s genetic defect of having only one kidney. The new mother turns away from the squalling infant. Her sister’s words haunting her, the new mother is unable to bond with her newborn and abandons her at a “Safe Haven” firehouse telling the child, “I never wanted you” leaving a note: “Her name is Dianna” (an unconscious act of narcissism)

5. Mid-Point

We follow Danica as her ambitions bear fruit and she climbs the legal ladder. She is cold, hard, and driven, and a compulsive marathon runner… who over, time, begins to show signs of minor health issues like fatigue and loss of stamina. Concurrently, the former senior partner / biological father of her child, Cyrus, continues to be promoted – first to judge, then as Circuit Court judge, putting him once again in Danica’s professional orbit, and who is still spearheading anti-abortion legislation for political reasons. Meanwhile the now-adopted baby has grown into a brilliant young woman, who at the age of 20 has graduated college and become a genetics researcher. (We see the same cold hard ambitious edge her biological mother has, exemplified by her pathological inability to connect with boyfriends or co-workers.) Then, the Protagonist’s sister dies from kidney failure. Our lead sees her own doctor and is told she too has kidney disease, and must have a transplant to survive. She is told her best chance for survival is a close relative and so, begins seeking out her daughter’s whereabouts.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2

In the course of her work Danica must prepare for arguments being heard to restrict abortions in the state where she now lives and she is tapped to argue against this (taking a pro-abortion stance). She learns that the father of her abandoned child (Cyrus) will be the Circuit Appeals Judge (notorious for continuously obstructing abortion rights) who will be hearing the case.

7. Crisis

Danica argues passionately in her presentation stating, “Not everyone’s cut out to be a parent. Not everyone SHOULD be a parent… and yet, life IS sacred”. In her intensely conflicted zealousness she collapses – both mentally and physically. The woman goes on a concentrated search for Dianna, the daughter, and using a “23&Me” type genetic app, finds her. Dianna has gone into genetic research prompted by her own anatomical anomaly and uncovers others with kidney deficiency, which includes her mother. Danica contacts Dianna, not disclosing who she is – only a ‘close relative’; and in the course of email exchanges, the two women agree to meet. We, the audience, are unsure of either woman’s motives.

8. Climax

Dianna gets into her silver sedan driving to the early morning appointment set to meet her mother. We see a man bending over to get the morning paper from his driveway. She’s momentarily distracted. Brakes Squeal.

Blackout.

9. Resolution

Eyes blink open. The hospital room looks eerily similar to the opening scene. It is, once again, our protagonist but current day. A TV is on, set to the news. Wincing in pain Danica gets out of bed and walks to a mirror, lifting her gown to reveal a long scar mid-back. She has gotten her transplant, but looks confused. Her daughter, Dianna walks in, smiling, fresh as a daisy. The mother is stunned silent… this is obviously her daughter, as they practically look like sisters. Dianna turns to the TV and raises the volume with the remote. The anchor is reporting on the tragic death of Circuit Appeals Court Judge Cyrus at his home this morning, the only lead a silver sedan seen on the street … if anyone has more information… TV switched off, Dianna turns to her mother, “Well, at least he did one thing right in his life – he signed up as an organ donor.”

[Anita Gomez]

Hi All,

I invite any and all critiques. Thanks!

-Anita

[anna harper]

Concept. I enjoyed reading this interesting outline. The outline raises many questions which I am sure will be answered as we get the opportunity to develop our outlines.

Some thoughts: The general public may not have a great deal of education re kidney transplant criteria. As the recipient has a non-genetically related donor, perhaps the audience will need to know about the options for blood type matching otherwise it might be confusing.

Next question: Will we learn anything about underlying reasons as to why Cyrus is supporting anti-abortion legislation?

Is it possible to show more emotional evolution of the lead character arc as the story concludes? Perhaps in the way you have alluded to, the relationship between daughter and mother is more than a practical exchange. Thank you for the opportunity. I think this is a great topic for provoking discussion in the USA right now. A courageous choice. Looking forward to seeing how this develops.

[anna harper]

Anita, if you would like to partner up, I would appreciate it. I think your story is very interesting, and up my alley as a former social worker. Thanks

[anna harper]

Anita it’s post 24 (I initially posted on the wrong day!) SILENT NIGHT forewarned its very Hallmark.

[Antonio]

Hello again, Anita – Just a couple of comments about your SLW version 2. Hope this helps.

A. CONCEPT:

A young woman who can’t access an abortion abandons her baby at birth only to learn years later that the child is her best hope for a life-saving transplant, leading her to search for a daughter she never wanted.

ANTONIO: Just a killer HIGH concept. Awesome!

B. Plot: Transformation

ANTONIO: Good selection. Totally agree.

C. CHARACTER STRUCTURE:

Dramatic Triangle:

ANTONIO: I know we should not expect well-developed characters at this point. Just thought to mention that at this stage, the daughter might be leading the plot towards a contrived easy ending without any surprising twists. Give yourself time. Perhaps if you focused on the daughter ‘needs’, ‘wants’, and fears (her emotional issues) and how this all impacts on the relationship with the mother, you will surely produce the powerful narrative that your logline announces.

D. LEAD CHARACTERS:

Danica is a woman with an unwanted pregnancy, and at health risk, who can’t access an abortion because of the state she lives in.

ANTONIO: I know this is a timely fact, but Danica’s past is past. The drama comes from the implications this all produced. Make a collage with this, leave it for backstory, and move on. Start from today, here and now. Unwanted pregnancy and anti-abortion regulation are decades-long issues. Show us. I strongly encourage you to let your narrative speak about the relationship between an unwanted daughter and her mother in the context of a life and dead crisis – the transplant.

E. Dramatic Question:

Should a woman with an unwanted pregnancy be forced to carry a child to term (ANTONIO: add comma here) which puts her own life in jeopardy?

ANTONIO: Your dramatic question might not be focused at the essence of the conflict that your narrative presents. A way to adjust this might be:

“Can an unwanted daughter forgive the mother who abandoned her and save her life?”

F. Main Conflict:

The woman’s health is failing and she needs to find the now-grown daughter for a transplant.

ANTONIO: The woman’s health is failing and… her life depends on her unwanted daughter.

G. Dilemma:

ANTONIO: I strongly encourage you to focus on today’s dilemma… which leads to the relationship among them… which unpacks the drama of the story.

H. Theme:

That there is no one perfect answer to an unwanted pregnancy – that an unwanted pregnancy often leads to an unwanted child.

ANTONIO: Depending on the plot of your story, you may approach this issue from different perspectives, but what I see that transpires from the depth of this narrative is:

“You never know what you have until you lose it.”

ANTONIO: These three characters of yours remind me of Amores Perros and Babel, where the narratives of several apparently independent characters are actually intertwined and deliver a compelling story at the end when all the pieces come together. I cannot wait to see your product on the big screen.

[Anita Gomez]

Thank you Antonio!

Excellent feedback. I particularly like the broader version of the theme that you gave. I looked up “Amores Perros and Babel”, which I was unfamiliar with, and liked what the description of the film depicted as: “love, regret, and life’s harsh realities”.

Both of these thoughts will help keep me focused on the higher concepts behind the details of my story as I do a rewrite.

Gracious,

Anita

[Michael Katz]

Hi Anita,

Here are a few thoughts on your SLW Version 2:

First read of your concept is that it has a terrific ironic twist. Heart-wrenching irony for the mom, who has to decide whether to be shameless in the ask. The daughter is going to rip her. But I can also hear the reverse guilt trip logic: hey maybe I did abandon you, but at least I didn’t kill you, you want to abandon me fine, we don’t have to have a relationship, but please don’t kill me, I need that kidney.

But listen…so your actual scene outline isn’t what I thought we were getting from your concept. What you wrote in your outline is half the movie about the lack of access and decision to abandon the baby, and then only at the midpoint do we get the ironic twist. Isn’t that too long to wait for the part of the movie that is actually fascinating. The ironic twist should happen around page 10, no?

Based on what you wrote for your concept, this would be the structure:

A young woman who can’t access an abortion abandons her baby at birth – the abandonment happens in the first scene

only to learn years later that the child is her best hope for a life-saving transplant — flash forward 20 years later, she gets diagnosis, and then on page 10 this ironic twist, rest of act 1 is her refusal to be shameless, but the Act 1 turning point is her health worsens so she relents at her husband’s request

leading her to search for a daughter she never wanted — this is act 2, reconnecting with the daughter so she’ll give up the kidney

You can still have all the debate, legal discussions in Act 2 between the mom and daughter – and perhaps it’s the daughter who is the legal expert with all the arguments

And…you need 1 more line to end your concept, because right now it is incomplete, Hal says your concept has to convey the entire movie.

If we continue…and just playing around…

Mid act 2 – Pitch: Maybe you could parallel the daughter getting preggers too.

Act 2 turning – Mom is dying, the daughter still says no, mom goes home to be with husband

Act 3 – Daughter shows up a week later to give kidney, touch and go, nurses mom back to health

Resolution – daughter has baby, mom now has both a daughter and a granddaughter…and her health

Other option: Whole movie is about deciding whether to abandon, and then have the ironic twist at the very end where the daughter says no way to the mom.

You have a terrific ironic twist. But you have to figure out the best structure for it.

Or write the concept to better convey the structure you envision.

[Michael Katz]

Forgot to mention…you may want to consider switching Dramatic Plots:

1. Quest

The protagonist goes off in search of something extremely important to him or her. The story is about the character who makes the search, not about the thing they are searching for. Often, the quest comes full circle and sees the hero return to the place they began, but something is very different about them — sometimes physically, but always an increase in wisdom.

You will still have all the deep thinking and feeling, debates, and change. But the plot might have a better structure.

[Anita Gomez]

Hi Michael,

Thanks for this! Several of your points really have me examining my plot flow. Interesting to me that you inserted a husband character into Danica’s life. I intend to keep her single — a reflection of her inability to make intimate human connection (which I hope to exaggerate as a trait in the daughter, enabling her biological father’s ‘accidental’ death at the end).

Having her daughter getting pregnant at the end also intrigues me, and may bring many pieces of the various abortion argument together.

I did initially consider the Quest as the Character Structure. But in playing this out I found the need to beef up the biological father’s point of view — he also does not want the child but comes at it from a different, much more selfish angle, and speaks to the hypocrisy behind many people’s stances on the issue. How’s that for a justification? 🙂

Good thoughts, all. I will take another running pass at this, along with Antonio’s input.

-Anita

[Michael Katz]

Hi Anita,

I apologize regarding the Quest thought – it was late and I wasn’t thinking. Obviously you aren’t writing an action/adventure.

Transformation: she transforms into a mother. Happy ending. Though, but for her not getting sick…who knows though, right? So should we all hope to get sick so we have an opportunity for a second chance to explore key decisions of our past that may or may not have been a mistake? Heavy thought.

<font face=”inherit”>As someone who is writing about punishing greedy </font>corporations<font face=”inherit”> and destroying the world, just want to offer an alternative with a possible down ending that you may want to consider depending on what you want to say as a writer. Whether she and her daughter have a reconciled relationship at the end or not (up to you) and whether the daughter donates her kidney or not (up to you), the main character still</font><font face=”inherit”> dies at the end.</font>

Emotionally heart-wrenching endings make good movies too.

17. Discovery

This plot is more about the character making the discovery than it is about the discovery itself. This story is often about having to reconcile past versus the new present for the character. “You were, you are, you will be” is how the story is delivered. The characters are searching to understand something fundamental about themselves. Usually, the character is already on the cusp of change. We get a glimpse of the main character’s “former life,” but quickly move into the present and future. A catalyst forces a significant change and the character moves into the crisis. Revelations are made along the way in proportion to the events of the story. The character is being forced to look at their life for real and take stock of who he or she really is. In the end, they emerge much wiser, although often, they do so only just before dying.

Anyway, just had the thought. That’s all. Not saying it is better or more appropriate. Just different. Depends what you want to say as a writer.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Anita,

I think you have an important and well thought out story. I only have a few comments:

The concept is written well and paints a picture.

To me the key part of the Dramatic Triangle text is “…she actually wants a relationship with her daughter.” This doesn’t yet come through when reading the story in this particular format.

Dilemma #1 – will it be established that Danica is religious in order to go against her religious beliefs? Her sister clearly is.

Theme: Your theme centers on unwanted pregnancy but doesn’t mention the hot topic that may make the theme stronger…abortion rights.

I can’t wait to read your script as we go forward!

Feel free to critique my Version 3, if you have time. Thanks.

[Anita Gomez]

Thanks Lisa!

Valid points, all.

I don’t have time tonight to take another pass, but will keep your thoughts in mind next go around.

-Anita

[anna harper]

Anna Harper SLW Version 2 PARTNER UP FOR FEEDBACK PLEASE

SILENT NIGHT

What I learned from this exercise. Actually, I got confused. When I think of BEATS I think of a script. So, I had already written up to page 10 in full script mode. So I did the exercise with dialogue etc. The next task was to go back again and fix up my mistakes and go back to an original version and add bare-bones beats to that, which is this one Version 2 What I learned from this exercise is not to go running ahead. I was just so excited about the concept and wanted to get the script done

SILENT NIGHT

CONCEPT STAYS THE SAME

It’s almost Christmas in a picture-perfect English village. a stray Newfoundland dog, Alfie who has telepathic superpowers befriends 13-year-old Dylan saving him from a series of unpleasant events, the loving relationship between Alfie and Dylan, helps Dylan to understand how his choice to be mute must change in order that Dylan has a happier life and to accept the death of his mother, saving him, just in the nick of time, from being sent away to a ‘special school, arranged by his covertly and generally evil Dad’s girlfriend, Miss Perkins, (Dylan’s grade 6 teacher), luckily Alfie saves the magic and joy of the Christmas by introducing the very lonely Steve (Dylan’s Dad) to a new love Iinterest

DRAMA

3 ACT Screenplay. 4 characters

LEAD CHARACTERS

DYLAN

Dylan is a 13-year-old boy, He is selectively totally mute since the death of his mother two years ago. With the help of Alfie, (dog) he overcomes bullying and the scheming of his evil teacher who wants to send him to boarding school, eventually, he starts to speak again. His struggle is both internal and external.

ALFIE

Alfie is an all-black Newfoundland stray dog. He has telepathic powers, enabling him to have conversations with Dylan. Alfie is Dylan’s life coach.

STEVE

Steve is Dylan’s Dad. He is the village bus driver, volunteer fireman, and local hero, He loves his son, and is at wit’s end trying to get Dylan to open up and start talking. He sometimes dates Elizabeth, Dylan’s grade 5 teacher (Dylan’s nemesis.)

ELIZABETH PERKINS CHANGES newly expanded role

Dylan’s teacher an evil piece of work who covertly abuses the school children and makes Dylan’s life hell. In the story NEW Steve dumps her. She becomes enraged and steps up her nasty behavior towards Dylan.

THE DRAMATIC QUESTION

Original Will Dylan ever speak again NEW, How will Dylan stop the bullies?

Version 3 NEW

Will Dylan ever speak again, or will he remain an isolated victim stuck in a silent bubble of grief for his mother?

DILEMMA

ORIGINAL Dylan feels safe not talking, and close to his bereaved mother’s death, e also feels hopeless/joyless trying to deal with everything going wrong in his life. Alfie coaches him toward happiness.

CHANGES NEW

Dylan wants to stay silent, he feels closer to his departed mother, he feels safe and lonely, until things go very wrong in his outside world, pushing him to make a choice he does not want to make.

THEME Metaphorphasis. STAYING WITH THIS VERSION

The way forward is through letting go of the illusion of safety. The relentless forces of the outside world make Dylan’s changes almost inevitable. Finding the way through grief to live again with the help of his dog, friends, and his Dad, he has to give up his cocoon of silence and deal with life

Main Conflicts Original concept is an internal conflict with regard to Dylan speaking or not speaking and his increased difficulties managing his school life.

New conflicts

Steve becomes more assertive with regard to Dylan’s problems. He takes the lead and dumps Elizabeth, (after her suggestion of boarding school.) This enrages her and escalates her abuse at the school.

Dylan and Alfie get into more scrapes and rebellion.

Dramatic Question(s) Will Dylan ever speak again NEW, How will Dylan stop the bullies?

Dilemma: Dylan feels safe not talking, and close to his bereaved mother’s death,

CHANGES NEW he also feels hopeless/joyless trying to deal with everything going wrong in his life. Alfie coaches him toward happiness.

He does not want to let his mother go If Dylan does not speak again he may lose Alfie, he will not be able to communicate effectively to stop or expose the escalating abuse at school, (now that his Dad has dumped an enraged Elizabeth.)

1. OPENING

ORIGINAL NO CHANGE

DYLAN exits school, looking warily behind, to see a group of boys heading towards him, name-calling and yelling; and then starts to run.

MISS ELIZABETH PERKINS is standing on the school steps, smiling and watching as a group of boys start to pursue Dylan into the village High St.

2. INCITING INCIDENT ORIGINAL STAYS AS BEFORE

Terrified, Dylan hides in doorways and eventually is forced to jump into a garbage skiff at the back of the fish and chip shop.

The boys give up. Dylan emerges from under the trash; he hears noises, very scared he starts to cry, and then a dirty scruffy huge all-black Newfoundland (ALFIE) emerges with the fish and chip newspaper wrapping in his mouth. Dylan screams and cowers in fear. Alfie speaks telepathically to Dylan

3. FIRST TURNING POINT

ORIGINAL VERSION

Alfie wins Dylan over with his telepathic superpowers. They go home to find a starving Alfie food.

NEW VERSION

Dylan is shocked when Alfie talks to him telepathically and refuses to believe it’s happening. Alfie wins Dylan over by explaining that they have to leave or get caught by the bullies. He elicits Dylan’s empathy by explaining he is starving and needs food. (this is the start of taking Dylan out of a selfish type of isolation.) Dylan rebels at Alfie’s suggestion to get raw scraps of meat at the butcher shop and takes Alfie home for food and a bath. Dylan mistakenly thinks they have time before his father arrives home from work. Dylan vows to get the bullies back.

SECOND TURNING POINT Dylan is discovered washing Alfie in the bathtub. Steve tells Dylan they cannot keep the dog. Steve was annoyed as Elizabeth the teacher was to come over for supper, now the house is muddy and smells like a dog. Steve says Alfie can only stay for the night.

SECOND TURNING POINT CHANGES

Dylan gets filthy Alfie into the bathtub. He discovers that underneath Alfie’s fur he is all skin and bones. Alfie explains he is a homeless dog.

Steve arrives home to find a big mess. He finds Dylan washing Alfie in the bathtub. Steve tells Dylan they cannot keep the dog. Steve is annoyed as Elizabeth the teacher was to come over for supper, now the house is muddy and smells like a dog. Steve says Alfie can only stay for the night. Steve begs Dylan to speak and explain what is going on.

THIRD TURNING POINT

ORIGINAL

INT: INDIAN RESTAURANT/EVENING

Elizabeth suggests that the answer to Steve’s problems and the impediment to their continued relationship is to send Dylan to a boarding school.

NEW CHANGES

Elizabeth suggests that the answer to Steve’s problems and the impediment to their continued relationship is to send Dylan to a boarding school, Steve dumps an angry Elizabeth.

FORTH TURNING POINT

Alfie encourages Dylan to try to communicate with his Dad about abuse at the school using pictures,

Steve runs out of the house in the morning as he is late for his bus route. He does not see the pictures. Dylan takes his pictures away believing that his Dad is not interested.

Steve has an interview at Dylan’s school. He agrees to consider the boarding school option and takes the paperwork home. Elizabeth continues to flirt with Steve. Steve is not entirely easy with Elizabeth.s moves.

Steve, Alfie, and Dylan go for a walk through the Christmas High Stree to the bakery where Steve meets a fun attractive woman that meets with Alfie and Dylan’s approval.

The next day, Steve informs Dylan that the boarding school is definitely on the cards. Dylan runs out of the house.

When he gets to school he observes his friend Daisy being locked in the school cellar. Dylan and Alfie discuss the problem telepathically, and Alfie insists Dylan use his words to get help for Daisy. Dylan speaks to his Dad for the first time in two years since his mother died. All he says is “Help Daisy” and drags his Dad in the direction of the school. Elizabeth intimidates Daisy into taking responsibility for being locked in the cellar.

CRISIS ORIGINAL

On the way home, Steve takes the side of Elizabeth and says they should very seriously consider the boarding school as Dylan is creating trouble and Steve cannot figure out how to help him, he is feeling at his wit’s end.

Alfie finds the envelope with Dylan’s pictures inside and takes them, to Steve.

Steve looks at them in disbelief and then he sees the picture of Miss Perkins(Elizabeth) standing on the school steps smiling while the boys chase Dylan. The penny drops for Steve.

Steve phones the school board, and tells his son not to worry he is not going to the boarding school, he apologizes for not understanding or believing Dylan

8. RESOLUTION

Steve calls the pound Dylan. No one has claimed Alfie. Steve says If Aflie makes Dylan happy and gets you to start talking, he can keep him until New Year. But only till New Year.

.

Alfie spends more time with Dylan explaining how important it was for him to speak, he saved Daisy from the cellar. He also talks to him about loving his mother and making his mother happy by talking and enjoying his life. Dylan is still silent. He draws another picture of Alfie with a big heart around Dylan and Alfie, he gives it to his Dad.

Dylan, Steve, and Alfie go shopping in the village. Dylan points and waves at the bakery.

They go in and buy all sorts of Christmas goodies. Steve seems to really see Mickey for the first time. He likes her. Alfie gets more dog cookies. Mickey is just about to close the shop and suggest they all go to the seafront cafe for hot chocolate.

Dylan holds his Dad’s hand and points to the village’s huge Christmas tree, lights sparkling snowflakes falling. Dylan speaks “The tree Dad, it’s like Christmas magic..” F.O.

OPENING SCENE

DYLAN exits school, looking warily behind, and then starts to run.

MISS ELIZABETH PERKINS is standing on the school steps, smiling and watching as a group of boys start to pursue Dylan into the village High St.

INCITING INCIDENT

Terrified, Dylan hides in doorways and eventually is forced to jump into a garbage skiff at the back of the fish and chip shop.

The boys give up. Dylan emerges from under the trash; he hears noises, very scared he starts to cry, and then a dirty scruffy huge all-black Newfoundland

(ALFIE) emerges with the fish and chip newspaper wrapping in his mouth. Dylan screams and cowers in fear. Alfie speaks telepathically to Dylan

3. FIRST TURNING POINT

Alfie wins Dylan over with his telepathic superpowers. They go home to find a starving Alfie food

.MIDPOINT

4. INT; DYLAN AND STEVE’S COTTAGE/DAY.

Dylan is discovered washing Alfie in the bathtub. Steve tells Dylan they cannot keep the dog. Steve was annoyed as Elizabeth the teacher was to come over for supper, now the house is muddy and smells like a dog

.

SECOND TURNING POINT END ACT 2

5. INT: INDIAN RESTAURANT/E

6. Dylan tries to communicate with his Dad about abuse at the school using pictures, it fails. Elizabeth calls Steve to the school to give him the paperwork to sign for the boarding school application. Steve allows Alfie to stay for one more night Elizabeth suggests the end to Steve’s problems is to send Dylan away to a boarding school.

Steve has an interview at Dylan’s school. He agrees to consider the boarding school option and takes the paperwork home. Elizabeth continues to flirt with Steve. Steve is not entirely easy with Elizabeth.s moves. Steve, Alfie, and Dylan go for a walk through the Christmas High Stree to the bakery where Steve meets a fun attractive woman that meets with Alfie and Dylan’s approval. The next day, Steve informs Dylan that the boarding school is definitely on the cards. Dylan runs out of the house. When he gets to school he observes his friend Daisy being locked in the school cellar. Dylan and Alfie discuss the problem telepathically, and Alfie insists Dylan use his words to get help for Daisy. Dylan speaks to his Dad for the first time in two years since his mother died. All he says is “Help Daisy” and drags his Dad in the direction of the school. Elizabeth intimidates Daisy into taking responsibility for being locked in the cellar.

TURNING POINT 3

7. Alfie takes the pictures Dylan drew of the evil events at the school to Steve. Steve gets it and says there will be no more talk of boarding school. Alfie talks to Dylan and explains how important it is, not just for Dylan but for the other people in his life, his stressed-out Dad, and his friends that he starts speaking again. Alfie talks to Dylan about his mother’s death and how she would be unhappy if Dylan continues to be bullied or gets sent away to boarding school. Dylan draws another picture to communicate to Steve how much he loves Alfie..

8. Dylan, Steve, and Alfie go shopping in the village. Dylan points and waves at the bakery.

They go in and buy all sorts of Christmas goodies. Steve seems to really see Mickey for the first time. He likes her. Alfie gets more dog cookies. Mickey is just about to close the shop and suggest they all go to the seafront cafe for hot chocolate.

9. Dylan holds his Dad’s hand and points to the village’s huge Christmas tree, lights sparkling snowflakes falling. Dylan speaks “Christmas magic.” F.O.

BEATS WITH CHANGES

OPENING SCENE

EXT.SCHOOL/DAY

Dylan exits the school notices he is being followed by a group of bullies. His Grade 6 teacher is watching, smiling on the school steps. Dylan escapes to the village high street, hides in doorways, and eventually in desperation jumps into a garbage skiff.

INT.GARBAGE SKIFF/DAY

Dylan and Alfie meet. Alfie wins over a reluctant Dylan by demonstrating his telepathic powers in order that they can communicate secretly. Alfie is hungry, Dylan takes Alfie to his home.

INT.DYLAN/STEVE’S COTTAGE/DAY

Dylan and Alfie enter the cottage and immediately there is trouble as Alfie is filthy and leaves giant muddy footprints on the floor. Dylan tells him is not getting any food until Alfie has a bath. Alfie and Dylan have to be quick before his Dad comes home.

INT.STEVE”S VILLAGE BUS/DAY

Steve is helping elderly people off his decorated Christmas bus, they are bantering back and forth. He tells them he is finished for the day and going home early for a cold beer.

INT.STEVE’S COTTAGE/DAY

Steve enters the hallway, stepping into a muddy mess. He calls to Dylan no answer. Steve hears water running and knows something is amiss. Steve discovers Alfie in the bathtub with Dylan busy washing the dog. As usual, Steve cannot get a word out of Dylan as to what is going on. Steve is upset, frustrated, as his on and off again girlfriend Elizabeth, Dylan’s school teacher is supposed to be coming over for dinner, this is not possible now as the house has mud all over the place and the whole house smells like a dirty dog.. Steve decides to take Elisabeth to the local Indian Restaurant and tells Dylan that Alfie will have to leave in the morning..

INT.INDIAN RESTAURANT/EVENING

Elizabeth suggests the end to Steve’s problems is to send Dylan away to a boarding school.

CHANGES MADE Elizabeth suggests the end to Steve’s problems is to send Dylan away to a boarding school. Steve dumps Elizabeth. She is very angry.

TURNING POINT

INT.DYLAN’S SCHOOL CLASSROOM/DAY

Dylan tries to communicate with his Dad about abuse at the school using pictures, it fails. Elizabeth calls Steve to the school to give him the paperwork to sign for the boarding school application. Steve allows Alfie to stay for one more night Elizabeth suggests the end to Steve’s problems is to send Dylan away to a boarding school.

Steve has an interview at Dylan’s school. He agrees to consider the boarding school option and takes the paperwork home. Elizabeth continues to flirt with Steve. Steve is not entirely easy with Elizabeth.s moves. Steve, Alfie, and Dylan go for a walk through the Christmas High Stree to the bakery where Steve meets a fun attractive woman that meets with Alfie and Dylan’s approval. The next day, Steve informs Dylan that the boarding school is definitely on the cards. Dylan runs out of the house. When he gets to school he observes his friend Daisy being locked in the school cellar. Dylan and Alfie discuss the problem telepathically, and Alfie insists Dylan use his words to get help for Daisy. Dylan speaks to his Dad for the first time in two years since his mother died. All he says is “Help Daisy” and drags his Dad in the direction of the school. Elizabeth intimidates Daisy into taking responsibility for being locked in the cellar.

CHANGES MADE

INT.DYLAN’S SCHOOL, CLASSROOM/DAY

Steve has been summoned to an interview at Dylan’s school. Elizabeth insists Steve consider the boarding school. He agrees to consider the boarding school option and takes the paperwork home.

INT.DYLAN”S BEDROOM/EVENING

Alfie encourages Dylan to try to communicate with his Dad about abuse at the school using pictures,

Steve runs out of the house in the morning as he is late for his bus route. He does not see the pictures. Dylan takes his pictures away believing that his Dad is not interested. Dylan finds the paperwork for the boarding school and runs out of the house in distress.

CRISIS

INT. DYLAN’S SCHOOL HALLWAY/DAY

Dylan observes his friend Daisy being locked in the school cellar. Dylan and Alfie discuss the problem telepathically, and Alfie insists Dylan use his words to get help for Daisy. Dylan speaks to his Dad for the first time in two years since his mother died. All he says is “Help Daisy” and drags his Dad in the direction of the school. Elizabeth intimidates Daisy into taking responsibility for being locked in the cellar.

EXT.VILLAGE STREET/DAY

On the way home, Steve takes the side of Elizabeth and says they should very seriously consider the boarding school as Dylan is creating trouble and Steve cannot figure out how to help him, he is feeling at his wit’s end.

RESOLUTION

INT.THE COTTAGE/DAY

Alfie finds the envelope with Dylan’s drawings and takes them to Steve. The penny finally drops for Steve. Steve gets it and says there will be no more talk of boarding school. And Alfie can stay until New Year if Dylan keeps working on his speaking skills.

<font color=”#4d5c6d” face=”SF UI Text, sans-serif”>EXT. PARK/DAY</font>

<font color=”#4d5c6d” face=”SF UI Text, sans-serif”>Alfie and Dylan are walking and playing in the park. </font>Alfie talks to Dylan and explains how important it is, not just for Dylan but for the other people in his life, his stressed-out Dad, and his friends that he starts speaking again. Alfie talks to Dylan about his mother’s death and how she would be unhappy if Dylan continues to be bullied or gets sent away to boarding school.

Several of the boys who chased Dylan through the village spot Dylan and Alfie and come over to meet the dog in a friendly way. The alpha bully hangs back scared of the dog.

INT. COTTAGE KITCHEN/EVENING

Dylan draws another picture to communicate to Steve how much he loves Alfie.

Steve is on the phone talking to the Schoolboard Chairperson about Elizabeth and the suspected abuse of children at the school.

EXT. APPROACH TO SCHOOL ENTRANCE

Steve and Dylan are walking towards the school, it’s the day of the Christmas concert.

Cars are pulling up, parking, parents are getting out and making their way to the school. Dylan and his Dad observe the Alpha bully being pushed and slapped by his mother.

They see Elizabeth Perkins carrying boxes to her car. A school official is following her. She is leaving school.

EXT.VILLAGE HIGH STREET/EVENING

Dylan, Steve, and Alfie go shopping in the village. Dylan points and waves at the bakery. They go in and buy all sorts of Christmas goodies. Steve seems to really see Mickey for the first time. He likes her. Alfie gets more dog cookies. Mickey is just about to close the shop and suggest they all go to the seafront cafe for hot chocolate. Dylan holds his Dad’s hand and points to the village’s huge Christmas tree, lights sparkling snowflakes falling. Dylan speaks “Look at the tree Dad, it’s Christmas magic.”

Steve “Alfie has been doing wonders for you, we had better adopt Alfie as family, our forever dog.”

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  anna harper.

[Anita Gomez]

Hi Anna,

I think your Concept was difficult to follow as written, because there is so much packed into one basically run-on sentence. Can you simplify it to a kind of ‘formula’… Like X must do Y to accomplish Z. For instance: A young boy must learn to speak again after the loss of his mother, with the help of a mystical dog. I’m not saying this is the correct sentence, just a challenge to find the essence of your story.

Christmas Hallmark stories are not really my wheelhouse so I’m not sure if the magical talking dog element works or not? Could the dog just be a very cool intuitive pet, like a therapy animal?

Final thought: Is the story more about the boy or about his dad?

I hope these small insights are helpful.

It looks like we are moving on to the next assignment which likely means more opportunity to flesh out our outlines!

Onward!

-Anita

[Michael Katz]

Michael Katz SLW Version 1

1. List the following key components of your story:

A. CONCEPT: A brilliant, narcissistic scientist invents a revolutionary solar energy system that will stop global warming, however when his work and reputation are sabotaged by an unknown entity, the trauma triggers a descent into megalomania as he seeks vindication and vengeance against greedy corporations and politicians.

B. PLOT STRUCTURE: #6. Revenge

Victorino (Protagonist), after having his work and reputation sabotaged, has a moral justification for vengeance and seeks retaliation against greedy corporations and politicians (Antagonist).

C. CHARACTER STRUCTURE — Dramatic Triangle between the villain, his girlfriend, and the spy. Victorino owes his rise to the love and support of Imelyna, however unbeknownst to him, Evans, who is trying to stop Victorino, is turning Imelyna against him.

D. LEAD CHARACTERS:

PROTAGONIST — Charismatic scientist Victorino develops into a megalomaniac bent on proving to the world by whatever means necessary just how great he and his energy system invention are.

IMPACT CHARACTER — Imelyna, a movie star and environmental activist, believes in Victorino’s talent and supports his cause…until he turns to villainy.

ANTAGONIST — The greedy oil, gas, and coal entrenched interests who are causing global warming use the governments of the world as their police arm to stifle energy innovation. Antagonist by proxy, debonair Evans is a government spy sent to stop Victorino, and he woos Imelyna to make her an asset.

E. DRAMATIC CONFLICT/QUESTION — Can Victorino become powerful enough to force greedy governments into submission so he can take over the world and install his world saving solar energy system technology?

F. MAIN CONFLICT — Victorino wants the world to adopt his revolutionary energy system, but greedy interests who want to preserve the status quo keep throwing obstacles in his way.

G. DILEMMA — Victorino has to choose between fighting for a cause or fighting for himself/proving his power.

H. THEME — Corporate greed destroys everything in its wake.

I. CHARACTER ARC — Victorino goes from helpless to stop the powerful to a megalomaniac who has unlimited power to defeat evil.

PART TO BE CHANGED: He is impotent, helpless to stop the powerful.

BIGGEST FEAR: He won’t be powerful enough to get vindication and vengeance.

COMPLETION OF ARC: He becomes omnipotent, regarding himself a god with unlimited power to defeat anything/everything

2. Post the current version of your outline in the forums (your 9 beat structure, one sentence per beat, that you improved in Day 8).

STRUCTURE: 9-beat

1. OPENING SCENE — After not getting his way and being bullied, poor, 10-year-old boy Victorino takes out his frustration by burning ants using the thick lenses of his glasses to magnify the sun into a beam.

2. INCITING INCIDENT — Scientist Victorino’s small-scale demonstration of his revolutionary energy magnifier is sabotaged by an unknown entity.

3. BY PAGE 10, WE KNOW WHAT THE MOVIE IS ABOUT — The trauma triggers a descent into megalomania as Victorino seeks vindication and vengeance against greedy corporations and politicians.

4. END OF FIRST ACT TURNING POINT — Fleeing for his life as thugs chase him from his laboratory, Victorino accepts movie star/environmental activist Imelyna’s invitation to relocate and finish his work.

5. SECOND ACT MID-POINT — Frustrated by lack of progress caused by interference from greedy corporations and politicians, Victorino decides to turn to villainy to pursue vindication and vengeance.

6. END OF SECOND ACT TURNING POINT — With his masterplan and lairs in ruin, Victorino completes his metamorphosis into a megalomaniac.

7. CRISIS — Victorino tricks disloyal Imelyna into giving him the space station access password, and then he wounds her so he can escape from Evans to space.

8. CLIMAX — Megalomaniac Victorino gives POTUS an ultimatum: let him rule the world and install his energy system or he will destroy the planet. The full-scale demonstration of his revolutionary energy magnifier is sabotaged (again!), and the world’s governments try to assassinate him by firing nuclear missiles at him in space. Victorino neutralizes the missiles with a wide beam from his giant magnifying lens, and then in a rage turns the magnifier into a weapon of mass destruction and annihilates earth.

9. RESOLUTION — Victorino sits alone in his small space station, “I’m not the last man on earth. I’m god.” Victorino alternates between maniacal laughter and crying, then silence, then he blasts the man on the moon to smithereens.

Working through everything, I got really confused as to my story goal as I started to see many of the inconsistencies. So besides the above, the difficult area I haven’t been able to wrap my brain around yet…is Victorino’s goal:

To stop global warming and save the world

To get vindication and prove his technology works

To have his technology installed to stop global warming and save the world

To get revenge against greedy corporations by putting them out of business

To get revenge against greedy corporations by taking over the world and putting them out of business

To get revenge against greedy corporations by destroying them

If he gets revenge and destroys the greedy corporations, is it a success story? even if he destroys earth?

If his technology is sabotaged again and he never gets vindication, is it a failure story? even if he destroys the greedy corporations?

If as a megalomaniac he proves that he is almighty, is it a success story? even if he destroys earth? even if no-one can bear witness?

If he fails at implementing his technology but still gets a megalomaniac’s revenge, should the audience feel good at the end?

I did not solve this yet, so I am merely going with what I have worked through so far.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Michael Katz.

[Michael Katz]

Sorry I am late to the party.

I just posted my SLW Version 1.

If anyone has an interest in Megalomaniac or still needs to exchange feedback, I would love to hear your thoughts.

And…if someone needs fresh eyes on their SLW…I need to do 3 feedbacks, and I have time tomorrow.

Thank you!

[Antonio]

Hello Michael,

Here is my take on your Version 1.

Would you mind writing some comments for my Version 3? It is Post #4 on this page. Just note that V2 and V3 are one next to the other. Please provide feedback on V3, OK?

TIA

Antonio

===============================

Re: Michael Katz SLW Version 1

A. CONCEPT:

ANTONIO: A possible way to flesh out this section might be:

When a brilliant, narcissistic scientist invents a revolutionary solar energy system to stop global warming, an unknown entity sabotages him – now he seeks vengeance against greedy corporations and politicians.

B. PLOT STRUCTURE: #6. Revenge

ANTONIO: Your line of thinking seems to suggest that Evans might have been responsible for the sabotage. This brings a range of opportunities to your story. Perhaps, the plot selection could switch to “ascending/descending”. Think about it.

E. DRAMATIC CONFLICT/QUESTION —

ANTONIO: Can Victorino make governments install his world saving solar energy system technology?

G. DILEMMA — “Victorino has to choose between fighting for a cause or fighting for himself/proving his power”

ANTONIO: Perhaps the dilemma is not dramatic enough. We need higher stakes here.

H. THEME

ANTONIO: Perhaps — “Greed destroys everything in its wake”. This way, it is not just corporate greed, but also Victorino’s greed that could destroy everything.

I. CHARACTER ARC — “Victorino goes from helpless to stop the powerful to a megalomaniac who has unlimited power to defeat evil.”

ANTONIO: This has two implications. On one side, such a powerful man is invincible, which makes us lose interest because there is no match for him. But if megalomaniac means delusion of power or not having real power, that would give his antagonist, Evans, a chance.

On the other side, I would imagine POTUS laughing at the NAIVENESS of this young man — and that could be the protagonist flaw that the story needs, as well.

BIGGEST FEAR: He won’t be powerful enough to get vindication and vengeance.

ANTONIO: If your protagonist had another flaw, it would give Evans a chance to win and the story would be more appealing. Possible fears could include: losing his reputation, being found inaccurate or less than adequate. You could also run a search for flaws that narcissistic people usually have.

COMPLETION OF ARC: He becomes omnipotent, regarding himself a god with unlimited power to defeat anything/everything

ANTONIO: Again, if Victorino was omnipotent, there is no conflict, no drama, and no story. He would make governments install his system with a snap of his fingers.

I enjoy very much the visual of the boy burning ants and then, the scientist with a massive beam threatening the planet from the international space station.

This story has lots of opportunities. I am looking forward to see the next version.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Michael Katz]

Hi Antonio,

Here’s my feedback on your Version 3.

This is a ripe arena for you to make a killer movie.

Female Enter the Dragon can absolutely sell.

I am fully 100% supportive, and I am merely offering stream of conscious feedback and brainstorming ideas, so please excuse my tone if the straightforward comments seems critical. My intention is only to be nice and helpful.

1. List the following key components of your story:

A. Concept: overall the concept for me lacks the aha I get it I want to see this movie feeling, as currently constructed it feels convoluted and contrived, see below as I break down the components…

A cheerleader – I’m sure you went through all the options in one of the earlier exercises, so pretty athletic girl has to become tough, but maybe she should start out as the complete opposite of a fighter? like a vegan nurse

fights in the underground MMA – is there still an underground? the sport is sanctioned all over the world now, so it has to be to the death

to rescue her fiancé – if it’s to the death then it is unlikely she would be engaged to a guy who regularly fights in death cage matches

a fighter who was kidnapped — MMA fighters don’t get kidnapped, it’s not plausible, so he’s a secret agent? if you don’t mention it in the concept then it detracts more than intrigues

and poisoned – this seems like a detail plot twist rather than appropriate to be included in the plot, I know you are trying to have a ticking clock element but it feels too much to mention

by criminals to steal a secret – not organic to MMA as a subject matter, so it feels peculiar if it is not made to feel organically connected

that he unwillingly keeps – awkward, confusing, why hide the twist???

– now she must win – his release! now she must rescue him by…

the poison’s antidote – would delete this confusing plot detail, and really…if the Ruler still hasn’t gotten the location, why would he ever agree to give the antidote? just for the love of the sport and a good show??? it’s not believable

in a deadly cage tournament.

Enter the Dragon: Bruce Lee plays a martial-arts expert determined to help capture the narcotics dealer whose gang was responsible for the death of his sister. Lee enters a kung fu competition in an attempt to fight his way to the dealer’s headquarters with the help of some friends. — revenge story, he has the skills, but he has to fight for access

Parisa who is a vegan pediatric nurse must learn how to become a MMA fighter to rescue her undercover cop/secret agent fiancé who has been abducted by a criminal organization that runs illegal MMA death matches. — rescue story, she has to learn the skills, and has to fight for access

A criminal organization doesn’t slowly poison to get people to talk, they torture — how do they even know he has the location information? so there has to be some legitimate reason as to why the fiancé is kept alive if he won’t talk

Once the ruler discovers that she is his captive’s fiancé, then the ruler will threaten to kill her – that is a key plot twist

B. Plot Choice:

Plot choice – Discovery: – this is an action movie

This plot is about having to reconcile the character’s past versus the new present. – feels unrelated and random to the concept

Plot choice should be #4 Rescue, the main character will still self-discover and change but the plot is rescuing her fiancé, wouldn’t overthink this

C. Character Structure: Dramatic Triangle

Three characters (Parisa, Badahur, Philip) wrapped up in a web where there are deeper implications to their relationships than what we see in the beginning.

Badahur wants Parisa out of danger, but he needs her help. As the poison makes him weaker and weaker, he depends on Philip for protection, but he knows Philip could kill him as well. — this slow poison thing feels too contrived

Philip’s task is to the prevent Bahadur to give away the secret — how do you do that? other than just kill, unlikely task

OK I think I got it — She wants to rescue her fiancé, and Philip wants to bring down the RULER as well as rescue Bahadur, they don’t know each other and are independently on rescue missions, at first they are competitors at each other’s throats but soon they realize they want the same thing and become allies, he helps finish her rushed training, they devise a plan, they have an attraction but she stays true to her fiancé, Philip dies end of act 2 to ensure she continues, she and her fiancé ensure Philip’s goal of stopping the RULER and bringing down his enterprise is achieved, plus her bravery in the climax comes through in the end and she wins her fiancé’s release

D. Lead Characters

PARISA, French background, is a cheerleader who fights in the underground MMA to rescue her fiancé — unaware that he is in the middle of a crime conspiracy, her involvement often makes things more dangerous and complicated.

Her background should have 2 elements: 1 thing she must change to succeed, and 1 secret weapon that gives her an advantage on this journey, i.e. if she is a vegan nurse then she doesn’t kill no matter what, she has to change to rescue her fiancé, and her secret weapon is that she understands human anatomy and it’s vulnerable weak points so she knows where to strike to win her matches

E. Dramatic Question:

Can Parisa overcome her fears, become a fighter, win the poison’s antidote and get her fiancé back? — don’t need to say overcome her fears

Is Parisa willing to risk her own life and kill others to rescue her fiancé? — maybe she doesn’t have to kill anyone until the final tournament, it’s exhibition first, then the tournament

F. Main Conflict:

In the world of martial arts, the main conflict is always within the hero. The lives of Parisa and her fiancé depend on her having the courage to do what frightens her. By conquering her fears, she will succeed in the deadly MMA tournament, win the antidote, and get her fiancé back

Conquering her fears doesn’t mean anything, all main characters have to do that, all main characters go through discovery and change, I would return to the earlier exercises to pinpoint how this is supposed to be constructed

G. Dilemma:

Parisa, Bahadur and Philip end up imprisoned by the Ruler. Badahur has been poisoned and the clock is ticking. They are in the middle of the desert. There is no escape. They must join a tournament and win two out of three fights to avoid being killed. They also need to win the final match to get the poison’s antidote as a prize. But Philip gets killed, and Bahadur gets weaker and weaker due to the poisoning. Their only hope is Parisa, who is just a fearful cheerleader, not a real MMA fighter. What’s worse, they know that the Ruler wants the secret that Bahadur keeps, so even by winning the tournament, their escape is pretty much unlikely.

Kill or be killed

H. Theme:

To escape, sometimes you need to stop running. — to rescue

It’s okay to kill bad guys to rescue loved ones

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any):

Parisa changes from a fearful woman and goes into someone who not only builds strengths from her weakness, she is also able to overcome what frightens her. She defeats opponents who are stronger than her in the MMA octagon cage.

She goes from an extremely unlikely MMA fighter to the best MMA fighter

She goes from killing is never right to justified killings to save loved ones are ok

[Antonio]

Hi again, Michael–

Much appreciated. I really enjoyed your comments in “feel-no-think” flow. As a result, the character Philip is going to change in my next version.

As Anita said in one of her comments, it is hard to bring all the nuances of the story in 9 short paragraphs, but thought to mention that I need an athletic girl, because as Cameron early pointed, it would be impossible to make a master of the cage out of a newbie. So I am including a dance component, which I anticipate is going to be entertaining and it is proven effective in actual training in China. Otherwise, by the time she had developed the skill, Bahadur would be dead 🙂

I also included your ideas in the dilemma. The bad guys are playing mental games with the hero. It’s part of the torture. They get to realize this in the first match. It’s going to get dramatic, I promise. Thanks again!

[Michael Katz]

Michael Katz SLW Version 2

1. List the following key components of your story:

A. CONCEPT — When a brilliant, narcissistic scientist invents a revolutionary solar energy system that will end global warming, an unknown entity sabotages him, and the trauma triggers his descent into megalomania and pursuit of world domination.

B. PLOT STRUCTURE — #19/20. Ascension/Descension – the rise/fall of the protagonist. Strong-willed, charismatic, and unique, Victorino descends into megalomania and rises in power, and as he struggles between morality and self-interest, he progresses from weak altruistic scientist to smiteful almighty god.

C. CHARACTER STRUCTURE — Dramatic Triangle between the villain, his girlfriend, and the spy. Victorino owes his rise to the love and support of Imelyna, however unbeknownst to him, Evans, who is trying to stop Victorino, is turning Imelyna against him.

D. LEAD CHARACTERS:

PROTAGONIST — Charismatic scientist Victorino develops into a megalomaniac bent on proving to the world by whatever means necessary just how great he and his energy system invention are.

IMPACT CHARACTER — Imelyna, a movie star and environmental activist, believes in Victorino’s talent and supports his cause…until he turns to villainy.

ANTAGONIST — The greedy oil, gas, and coal entrenched interests who are causing global warming use the governments of the world as their police arm to stifle energy innovation. Antagonist by proxy, debonair Evans is a government spy sent to stop Victorino, and he woos Imelyna to make her an asset.

E. DRAMATIC CONFLICT/QUESTION — Can Victorino take over the world so he can force governments into installing his global warming ending solar technology?

F. MAIN CONFLICT — Victorino wants the world to adopt his revolutionary solar energy system, but greedy interests who want to preserve the status quo keep throwing greater and greater obstacles into his way.

G. EMOTIONAL DILEMMA — Victorino has to choose between love (Imelyna) and self-love.

H. THEME — Greed destroys everything in its wake

I. CHARACTER ARC — Victorino goes from helpless to stop the powerful to a megalomaniac who has unlimited power to defeat evil.

PART TO BE CHANGED — He is impotent, helpless to stop the powerful.

BIGGEST FEAR — The world is out to get him

COMPLETION OF ARC — He becomes omnipotent, regarding himself a god with unlimited power to defeat anything

2. Post the current version of your outline in the forums (your 9 beat structure, one sentence per beat, that you improved in Day 8).

STRUCTURE: 9-beat

1. OPENING SCENE — After not getting his way and being bullied, poor, 10-year-old boy Victorino takes out his frustration by using the thick lenses of his glasses to magnify the sun into a beam to burn ants.

2. INCITING INCIDENT — Scientist Victorino’s small-scale demonstration of his revolutionary energy magnifier is sabotaged by an unknown entity.

3. BY PAGE 10, WE KNOW WHAT THE MOVIE IS ABOUT — The trauma triggers his descent into megalomania as Victorino seeks vindication for his technology and world domination over greedy corporations and politicians to have it installed.

4. END OF FIRST ACT TURNING POINT — Fleeing for his life as thugs chase him from his laboratory, Victorino accepts movie star/environmental activist Imelyna’s invitation to relocate and finish his work.

5. SECOND ACT MID-POINT — Frustrated by lack of progress caused by interference from greedy corporations and politicians, Victorino decides to turn to villainy to pursue vindication and world domination.

6. END OF SECOND ACT TURNING POINT — With his masterplan and lairs in ruin, Victorino completes his metamorphosis into a megalomaniac.

7. CRISIS — Victorino tricks disloyal Imelyna into giving him the space station access password, and then he wounds her so he can escape from Evans into space.

8. CLIMAX — Megalomaniac Victorino sits alone in his small space station, and gives POTUS an ultimatum: let him take over the world and install his energy system or he will destroy the planet. The full-scale demonstration of his revolutionary energy magnifier is sabotaged (again!), and the world’s governments try to assassinate him by firing nuclear missiles at him in space. Victorino neutralizes most of the missiles with a wide beam from his giant magnifying lens, but one missile explodes, damaging his space station and injuring him.

9. RESOLUTION — In a rage, Victorino turns the magnifier into a weapon of mass destruction and annihilates earth. Victorino: “I’m not the last man on earth. I’m god.” Victorino alternates between maniacal laughter and crying, then silence, then he blasts the man on the moon to smithereens.

[Michael Katz]

Hi everyone,

I just posted my SLW Version 2 with many thanks to Antonio Flores.

I realize I was late, and we are already starting the next assignment, however, if anyone would like me to give feedback on their project, please let me know.

And if there are any James Bond fans out there, I’d love it if you could give me feedback on my project since the premise is the complete story (from origin story to tragedy) of a James Bond villain, entirely from the villain’s POV.

Thank you.

[Anita Gomez]

Hi Michael,

I like your V2 better… it’s tighter. Only comment… does the villain really blast Earth to pieces? Is there another option for a Resolution? Maybe I’m just a sucker for an ending where the bad guy gets his.

I like your comment style. Feel free to take a crack at my V2 if you have time.

Thanks!

Anita Gomez

[Antonio]

Subject: Antonio Flores’ SLW Version 4

1. List the following key components of your story:

A. Concept:

[REVISED] A cheerleader fights in the underground MMA to rescue her fiancé, a fighter who was abducted and nerve-agent-poisoned to steal a secret that he keeps – now she must win the antidote in a deadly cage tournament.

B. Plot Choice:

Plot choice – Discovery:

This plot is about having to reconcile the character’s past versus the new present. The journey of a fearful cheerleader who becomes a fearless MMA fighter.

The character searches to understand something fundamental about herself. “You were, you are, you will be” is how the story is delivered. At the start of this journey, act one, YOU WERE a fearful cheerleader. Later, act two, YOU ARE one who learns to turn weaknesses into strengths, using the fitness attributes of a cheerleader (coordination, flexibility, awareness of space and time, agility, fast-twitch explosive power muscles, and acro-gymnastic ability) to quickly build up martial arts skills, using dance to facilitate the transfer. Last, heading into act three, YOU WILL BE a master of the cage by learning to use tactics and strategy from an experienced one — Parisa’s fiancé.

In the end, the hero emerges much wiser, but as it often happens, our hero will do so only just before dying.

C. Character Structure: Dramatic Triangle

Three characters (Parisa, Badahur, Philip) wrapped up in a web where there are deeper implications to their relationships than what we see in the beginning.

• Parisa wants her fiancé back. She knows that Philip advised him to break up with her, but at the start, she does not know why he did so. Eventually, she finds that Philip is a deadly threat to her fiancé.


• [REVISED] Badahur wants Parisa out of danger, but he needs her help. As the nerve agent makes him weaker and weaker, he depends on Philip for protection, but he knows Philip could kill him as well.


• [REVISED] Philip’s task is to the prevent Bahadur to give away the secret, even if he had to kill him to accomplish this — rescuing him is just another option. He considers Parisa an extra load, but he likes her looks.


• The three of them want to escape the Ruler’s predation.


D. Lead Characters

• PARISA, French background, is a cheerleader who fights in the underground MMA to rescue her fiancé. 

• [REVISED] BAHADUR is Parisa’s fiancé, an underground MMA fighter who was poisoned with a time-bound nerve agent. 

• PHILIP is a secret agent whose task is preventing Bahadur to give away the secret, even by killing him if so was needed. 

• THE RULER is the head of the underground MMA, a screen to hide the criminal organization that wants to steal Bahadur’s secret.


Note: the following characters are not leading roles, but I also include them here as this might help everyone understand the plot. The number of characters does not exceed the cast of similar movies, say, Mortal Kombat where one hero, two co-protagonists and their mentor fight against a sorcerer, his champion, an immortal princess, a mercenary and three warrior demons. A total of eleven characters. Another classic of this genre, Bruce Lee’s Enter the Dragon features ten characters as well.

• RUTHLESS a brawny female underground MMA prizefighter.

• SHAHNAZ, a massive, muscle-packed fighter, named “The Ruler’s favorite”

• MAN IN A TUNIC is the Ruler’s right hand, the mastermind behind every plan. 

• SYLVAIN, French background, is Parisa’s uncle, an MMA manager who, unaware of the link with the criminals, he first introduces Bahadur to the underground MMA, and later he helps Parisa to get signed in as well. 


E. Dramatic Question:

Can Parisa overcome her fears, become a fighter, win the poison’s antidote and get her fiancé back?

F. Main Conflict:

In the world of martial arts, the main conflict is always within the hero. The lives of Parisa and her fiancé depend on her having the courage to do what frightens her. By conquering her fears, she will succeed in the deadly MMA tournament, win the antidote, and get her fiancé back.

G. Dilemma:

[REVISED] Parisa, Bahadur and Philip end up in the middle of the desert imprisoned by the Ruler. There is no escape. They need to win the final match of a deadly tournament to get the poison’s antidote. But Philip gets killed, and Bahadur gets weaker and weaker due to the nerve agent. Their only hope is Parisa, who is just a fearful cheerleader, not a real MMA fighter. What’s worse, they know that the Ruler wants the secret that Bahadur keeps, so even by winning the tournament, their escape is pretty much unlikely.

H. Theme:

To escape, sometimes you need to stop running.

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any):

Parisa changes from a fearful woman and goes into someone who not only builds strengths from her weakness, she is also able to overcome what frightens her. She defeats opponents who are stronger than her in the MMA octagon cage.

2. Your 9 beat structure, one sentence per beat

1. Opening

PARISA, a lonely woman, gets up on a treadmill. Pictures on the wall show memories of her career as cheerleader and coach. Somewhere else in an underground MMA octagon cage, her fiancé BAHADUR faces SHAHNAZ, a massive, muscle-packed fighter. Bahadur is in a daze. Poisoned.

2. Inciting Incident

A TEXT PREVIEW displays on Parisa’a cellphone screen. Parisa’s uncle, MMA manager, Sylvain says: “I’M SORRY. HE’S GONE. THEY TOOK HIM”. Parisa wipes her tears and texts back: ‘HELP ME. I MUST FIND HIM.”

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

[REVISED] Parisa steps in the underground MMA cage for an “audition.” She gets badly beaten. Although defeated, the ring masters want her great looks on the show and sign her in. Now she can comb the underground MMA world in search for her fiancé.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1

[REVISED] Sylvain persuades Parisa to try dance. She first refuses, but then she takes lessons with coaches who, unbeknownst to her, they are masters of Chinese Shuaijiao (wrestling) and Brazilian Capoeira. They build up martial arts strengths from her cheerleader attributes.

5. Mid-Point

[REVISED] As Parisa searches for her fiancé in the MMA facility, she bumps into RUTHLESS, a female fighter, who warns her not to ever mess around with her. Meanwhile, PHILIP, Bahadur’s alleged runaway partner, finally gets Bahadur out of captivity. Parisa follows them, but they get ambushed.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2

[REVISED] Prisoners of THE RULER, they go somewhere in the middle of the desert where a deadly tournament will take place. Parisa discovers all about the abduction, the poison, and that breaking up was a way to protect her. She must win the poison’e antidote in the tournament. She trains under the guidance of Bahadur and Philip. Philip flirts with Parisa. She rejects him.

7. Crisis

[REVISED] Philip figures out a plan to kill Bahadur and get Parisa. Parisa defeats Ruthless in the first match of the tournament — in spite of the Ruler’s on the spot rule changes. Bahadur realizes that the tournament is part of their torment, so they plan to steal a cellphone and send a message out. The plan works, but when Philip is about to press “SEND”, a bullet kills him.

8. Climax

Bahadur is too weak to fight. Parisa enters the octagon with the Ruler’s favorite, Shahnaz. She wins the antidote, but gets badly hurt. It’s the end for her. Right then, a DRONE SQUAD and soldiers arrive. Philip’s message went through! The Ruler is busted. Badahur urges paramedics to help the lifeless woman in his arms.

9. Resolution

[REVISED] Badahur quietly rolls a wheelchair into the gym where Parisa’s old cheerleaders team rehearse. Still bruised, but recovering, Parisa shares her discovery with her former students: “Cheering means encouraging others to conquer their fears, to stop running. But then, one must conquer their own fears first. Everyone should be a cheerleader for others in real life.”

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Nancy Kates]

Nancy Kates Story Logic Web for “Switcheroo”

Two middle aged friends, one lesbian, the other straight, eat a magic cake and switch bodies. Chaos ensues.

Lead characters: Zoe, 46, lives in San Francisco with her partner, Heidi. Zoe is controlling and has trouble empathizing with others, at times.

Marilyn, 45, lives in Alameda, CA (more suburban) with her husband Doug and their three children. She lacks empowerment, and is always taking care of others instead of herself.

Plot: Metamorphisis. Each woman must stop fighting with the other, learns something from her and living her life, grow, and work with the other in order to return to her own body and real life.

Character Arc: Zoe becomes more nurturing, less controlling and more empathetic.

Marilyn becomes more assertive, and learns to value her own needs, as well as those of others.

Main conflict: They’re both angry with each other because of the switch in bodies, inability to switch back, and inability to handle the other’s existence, though Zoe is more angry than Marilyn. Zoe is also angry because Marilyn sees Zoe’s life as much easier than her own, ie a sort of existential vacation,and there is a moment in which Marilyn doesn’t want to switch back.

Dramatic question: will each woman learn enough about herself and her flaws to become a better version of herself, which will allow them to switch back? Can they learn from each other’s lives?

Dilemmas: Zoe discovers that Doug is cheating on Marilyn, and is a bit stuck about whether or not to tell her, and confront him (as Marilyn). Marilyn’s dilemma is that once she is in Zoe’s body, she finds herself really attracted to Zoe’s partner, and eventually sleeps with her (as Zoe). Her dilemma is first with herself–is this unethical to cheat on your best friend with her partner, if you’re temporarily in her body? And then whether or not and how to tell Zoe about seducing her partner.

Theme: To know thyself (and another), try walking a mile in someone else’s shoes.

Outline

1. Ordinary world

Zoe kisses Heidi goodbye as Heidi leaves for a business trip, wheelie in tow. Their light-filled San Francisco apartment is impeccable. She works on a journal article from her home office, piled with books and papers but still a calm and restful space. Marilyn is at work at her law firm when her daughter calls. Flash to her suburban house: the place is a mess, with toys and clothes strewn everywhere. Marilyn caters to her colleagues and her kids, via text. She writes to Zoe to set up a coffee date for Zoe’s birthday

2. Inciting incident

Zoe and Marilyn meet at a very hip cafe. Their barista is non-binary, with lots of attitude. They order the “extra special chocolate cake”–with coffee, it’s $47, but the best cake either of them have ever tasted. As they walk toward their cars, a “Shazaam” moment happens, and they discover they have switched bodies. They freak out.

3. By page 10 (possibly a few pages later), they return to the cafe. It’s closed, but the barista has left them a note: they have 72 hours to figure it out, and if they tell anyone, it will be permanent. They decide to switch phones, keys and lives until they figure it out.

Fun and games in Act 1: Zoe cannot handle taking care of Marilyn’s kids, including the youngest, who somehow senses she is not actually her mother. She gets dinner all wrong, not being much of a cook, and keeps her distance from Doug, who wants to connect physically before they go to sleep. Marilyn takes a bubble bath, makes a nice dinner for Heidi, who is heading back from her trip. Heidi is shocked by the dinner: Zoe doesn’t really cook. When Marilyn kisses Heidi hello, she’s surprised by how much she likes it (Marilyn’s Act 1 turning point)

4. Act 1 turning point

Zoe rifles through Doug’s bag and finds some condoms, which seem to indicate that he’s having an affair. She doesn’t know what to do, either about telling Marilyn (or not) or confronting Doug.

Act II fun and games

The women consult a Santeria priest, who grills them with ridiculous questions (do they know who they were in past lives, what is their average weekly tofu consumption?) but doesn’t get anywhere with the ritual she performs. Marilyn consults Zoe’s philosophy books and Heidi’s Tarot deck, which are also not helpful. She is enjoying the respite from family life, ie starts to see living as Zoe as a sort of vacation. Zoe tries to use logic to solve their problem, but cannot. They have a big fight, Zoe leaves.

5. Midpoint: Marilyn (in Zoe’s body) orders a great dinner in, tired after fighting with Zoe. Heidi loves it. They start kissing, and wind up having really hot sex. Marilyn has never experienced anything like this. She’s in heaven, but also feels guilty.

Zoe starts to see why people have children. She reads to Willow, the youngest, even though Willow is sort of on to her, and has a nice moment with Peter, the middle child, tucking him into bed.

Zoe and Marilyn meet at Zoe’s apartment to work on how to switch back. Marilyn has purchased some magic mushrooms, hoping that they’ll provide the answers they need. Zoe refuses to have them, but only after Marilyn takes hers. They have another fight: Marilyn will be useless all day, while Zoe will be forced to work on their problem alone. Marilyn tries to coach Zoe about couples counseling; Zoe hides the information about Doug’s affair from Marilyn.

6. Act II turning point. Zoe (in Marilyn’s body) and Doug go to couple’s counseling. He launches into something they had discussed the week before when Zoe unexpectedly confronts him about the condoms in his bag. Doug, who has been successfully lying to Marilyn and to their therapist Dr. Schwartz, is floored. Dr. Schwartz has no idea how to handle this situation, either.

Marilyn (as Zoe) and Heidi also go to couples counseling–Marilyn is still a little bit high from the mushrooms. Heidi feels like they’re making huge progress on their “lesbian bed death,” but still struggles with Zoe’s control issues. Laughing, Marilyn complains a bit about Heidi’s endless business trips. When the hippie-dippy therapist, Ruth, and Heidi confront her, she admits she’s on mushrooms. Heidi freaks out–Zoe would never take psychedelics, because of her need for control. Does she know Zoe at all?

The next morning, Marilyn seduces Heidi again. She had no idea that lesbian sex was so great!

7. Crisis. The two women go back to the cafe, trying to figure out what to do before the clock runs out. It’s still closed. They brainstorm more ideas about how to reverse the switch. On a deserted street, Marilyn confesses to sleeping with Heidi, and to enjoying Zoe’s life more than her own, which triggers another massive fight. Exasperated, Zoe tells Marilyn that Doug has been having an affair, and tells her that she is unable to stick up for herself. Marilyn retorts that Zoe is controlling, and lacks even enough empathy to keep this news to herself. Zoe gets an emergency call (ie for Marilyn) that Peter has chicken pox, and rushes off to his school.

8. Marilyn calls to apologize, and vows to work with Zoe to fix their problem. They agree to go back to the cafe in the morning.

9. Resolution: They rush to the cafe in the morning, which is finally open again, and angrily confront the barista. The barista calmly asks them how things have been going, as if they, too, are in couples counseling with the barista. Each woman speaks from the heart about the complications of the other’s life. Zoe talks about finding her inner nurturer and letting go of some of her control freak tendencies; she had no idea how impossible parenting was. Marilyn says she’s been empowered to follow her own desires, even the ones she didn’t know she had, instead of just taking care of everyone else. She apologizes for hurting Zoe. Zoe suddenly feels ill and rushes to the bathroom. Recovering, she looks in the mirror and discovers that she’s back in her own body. The two women rejoice. The barista shrugs off their anger at all of this, and talks about the profound gifts and wisdom brought by the magic cake. Zoe and Marilyn roll their eyes.

10. Coda. Back in Alameda, Marilyn and Doug have a tentative, angry but honest conversation about their marriage. Doug expresses deep regret, and Marilyn admits that she also cheated, though after he did. She also says she might be bisexual. In San Francisco, Zoe has a newfound appreciation of Heidi, and seems much more relaxed.

[Arthur Anderson]

[PS81] Arthur’s SLW Version 2

1. List the following key components of your story:

A. Concept: (Revised)

When a coronal mass ejection (CME) from the sun destroys all electronic technology on earth six astronauts and one reporter on the international research spacecraft Reliant must adapt the experimental Tesla Shield technology that saved their spacecraft to shield humanity from a larger earth-destroying CME just days away.

B. Plot Choice:

Plot Choice #9 – Underdog (Revised)

When a coronal mass ejection from the sun destroys most of the earth’s electronics, the international research spacecraft Reliant is earth’s only hope against the next larger CME approaching in 48 hours. Captain Reilly Ryan must lead her international crew to adapt and super-size the electromagnetic Tesla shield that saved their craft to protect the earth from the next earth-destroying solar storm. With no help from earth available, they are forced to journey to the unmanned autonomous mining moon base to retrieve the fission reactor necessary for the modification. Damaged by the CME, the crew discovers the AI mining equipment destroying the base. Barely escaping destruction by a lunar miner, the damaged lunar ship rendezvous with the Reliant. Arriving back in earth orbit just moments before the next CME strikes, the crew activates the Tesla Shield averting disaster for humanity; but at the cost of one of the crew.

C. Character Structure:

With this international group of characters forced to work in a confined environment, the professional veneer of working together on a professional and personal level will be tested and refined in the crucible of making life-threatening decisions that not only affect themselves but the future of humanity on the planet. Cultural and personal differences will be pushed to their limits, forcing the arc of their characters to be changed for a purpose that is greater than themselves.

D. Lead Characters (*Name* is an *identity* who *does X in the story*.)

Reilly Ryan – US white female Captain of the International Research Spaceship Reliant and nuclear physicist, PhD. Reilly worked her way up through the ranks the hard way and now must use all her skill-sets to bring together an international crew to solve one of the most difficult problems anyone has ever encountered to save humanity. As the pilot and only survivor of a five-crew aborted launch and ocean crash landing four years ago, Reilly must overcome the scars from her last mission to lead a new international crew on a hazardous journey to save the earth.

Chase Douglas – US black male 1st Officer and celestial navigation specialist. PhD. Passed over for command on this mission. He is a former Navy Top Gun fighter pilot who is smart, talented, and sometimes too ambitious. His ego sometimes leads him into conflict with his superiors. His ability to fly-anything will be key to making the unplanned hazardous journey to the moon and back.

Tara Cooper – French black female scalar and Quantum physicist, PhD. An only child who worked her way through college, master’s, and her Ph.D. by working in a winery. She patented a frequency modulation device that reduced the aging time of the vintner’s now international best-selling wine in half which made her a small fortune. She is here because she loves her work not because she needs the money. Her knowledge of quantum and scalar physics will be crucial to using a combination of energy, frequency and vibration to modify the capabilities of the Tesla Shield to protect the earth from the CME.

Diego Quinn – Hispanic male life science specialist. MD., PhD. He is not really enamored with working in space and is more surprised than anyone that he is on this mission. His invention of an implant that monitors the body’s vitals and reactions to radiation and magnetic fields sealed the deal. He views this as a short-term assignment that will leapfrog his career in research ahead by decades. He will be called upon to some up with a serum to protect the crew from the massive electromagnetic fields they will be generating.

Nico Lee – Chinese female anti-matter propulsion physicist, PhD. She competed against thousands of candidates for this position which left little time for emotional interaction with other people. There is no one smarter in this field or lonelier because of it than her. As the top anti-matter specialist in her field, Nico’s knowledge will be stretched to it’s outer limits as she is forced to reconfigure the anti-matter generator from powering the ship to near light speed to powering an untested global shield.

Oleg Ryakin – Russian male Mechanical engineer, Ph.D. – Oleg would not have made it past all the political appointees vying for his spot if he had not designed the antimatter containment field that powers the ship. He grew up in the tough mafia-controlled neighborhoods of Moscow and does not suffer incompetence or fools. Oleg will have to devise a mechanical link between Tara’s scalar and Nico’s anti-matter theoretical models to power the adapted Tesla Shield without blowing the ship apart.

Skyler Hardwick – British female pool reporter chosen to broadcast special reports on the maiden voyage of the trillion-dollar international research spacecraft, Reliant, as it goes through its earth orbit testing. She used every political, financial, and bordering on blackmail of the Royal Family influence to get this assignment. She’s digging for a story deeper than the Reliant mission to propel her career to an anchor desk. She becomes part of the crews mission when she must assist the Captain on retrieving the components they need from the surface of the unmanned moon base.

E. Dramatic Question:

Will Captain Ryan be able to lead the crew of the Reliant to save the earth from the approaching extinction-level Coronal Mass Ejection from the sun?

F. Main Conflict:

The crew of the Reliant must adapt an untested Tesla shield technology to save the earth from extinction-level Coronal Mass Ejection from the sun within 48 hours.

G. Dilemma:

With no way for the crew of the Reliant to receive any help from NASA to adapt their untested Tesla shield, Capt. Reilly Ryan must lead her crew on an unplanned hazardous journey to the moon to retrieve the necessary components from an unmanned moon base, adapt their Tesla shield on their return journey, and get into position to defend earth before the next Coronal Mass Ejection from the sun arrives, in just 48 hours.

H. Theme:

Individuals working together with a common goal are more effective than individuals working alone.

I. Character Arc of Lead Character:

Captain Reilly Ryan learns that some decisions must be made for the greater good no matter what the consequences.

2. Post the current version of your outline in the forums

9 Beat Plot Structure

1. Opening

Pool reporter Skyler Hardwick’s live broadcast introduces the crew of the International Deep Space Research Spacecraft Reliant and their mission to test a new Tesla Space Shield for interstellar travel. The broadcast is interrupted by an emergency transmission from NASA.

2. Inciting Incident ( Revised)

NASA informs the Reliant a Coronal Mass Ejection that was thought to be bypassing earth, masked a larger one behind it that will hit the earth and the Reliant in six hours with an even larger earth-destroying CME 48 hours behind that one. All space stations are evacuating to earth. Capt. Reilly orders the crew to prepare for evacuation, however, the Reliant crew votes to stay with the ship and try the untested Tesla shield to save the ship.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. (Revised)

In a process that would normally take twelve hours, the crew scrambles to fire up the Tesla shield in six.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 (Revised)

The Tesla Shield saves the crew of the Reliant, however, the electronics on earth have been knocked out. They determine the Tesla Shield may be modified to save the earth but they need another fission reactor to power the modified shield. With no help from earth available, they will have to journey to the unmanned autonomous mining moon base to retrieve the additional reactor.

5. Mid-Point (Revised)

With the other members of the crew needed to maneuver the Reliant in a sling-shot orbit around the moon. Captain Reilly must enlist the aid of the pool reporter, Skyler, to help her retrieve the reactor from the moon base. Skyler is shocked to learn the only way to get to the moon base is by crash landing the shuttle near the mining base and then using the earth return lunar payload spacecraft at the base to rendezvous with the Reliant.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 (Revised)

As the crew struggles with the damaged systems of the Reliant to keep it on a sling-shot orbit around the moon, Captain Reilly and Skyler crash land the shuttle by the mining base. They discover the AI controlled mining equipment has been damaged by the CME and is destroying the base. Barely staying ahead of the crushing mining machines, they find and load fission reactor onto the lunar return ship. They blast off just as the AI miner hits their ship. Reilly struggles with the damaged ship to rendezvous with the Reliant.

7. Crisis

The new reactor is barely installed as the Reliant takes a position to defend the earth. However, the Tesla mask which must be extended for the shield to work is damaged and will not deploy. With every possibility explored and failed, Chase Douglas, the first officer, sneaks off to the cargo bay, suits up, and exits on the space tug.

8. Climax

The crew discovers Chase attaching the space tug to the Tesla mask. Against their vociferous protest, Chase uses the tug to extend the mask just as the CME is about to hit. With no time for him to return to the ship, he begs Reilly to engage the shield: a death sentence for him. Tearfully, Reilly puts her hand on the red engage button. The other members of the crew put their hands over hers and they all push together. The shield spreads like a lotus blossom as Chase disappears in a flash of light. The CME slams into the shield which deflects its destructive power away from the earth. The Reliant is buffeted as its systems alarms blare with overload warnings but the Tesla Shield holds and the CME safely passes by the earth.

9. Resolution

A saddened crew is surprised when NASA contacts them from Cheyenne mountain in Colorado. They have been receiving Skyler’s broadcasts throughout the Reliant’s entire adventure. NASA and the world owe them a debt of gratitude that may never be repaid. A crew will be launched within 90 days to relieve them. The crew of the reliant are no longer professional co-workers from individual countries. They are also more than friends bound together by the crucible of near-death experiences and the bonds of mutual commitment, sacrifice, and loss.