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Post Day 10 Assignment Here
Hit Reply to Post Your Assignment.
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This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by
cheryl croasmun.
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This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by
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23 Replies
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Day 10 Assignment (technically Day 11)
Larry’s Script
After I went through the comedy writing skill sheet I saw more opportunities to add physical humour and props to reinforce the dialogue. I also saw more opportunities for runnning gags. Using toppers helped to build to punchlines. I also used toppers in terms of physical humour. I think they added to the characterization of my main characters.
COMIC SITUATION:
Forced union of incompatibles.
CHARACTER LOGLINES
Jack: He is a he-man wanna-be and the boss of the company. He gives the external appearance of a tough guy, a take-charge guy who likes giving orders.
Comic Twist: Inside Jack is cowardly and childish. He can be a bully in order to appear tough and is disdainful of gays. He is slightly south of smart.
Billy: He is an overtly gay guy. He is unafraid to stand up for himself, and dislikes being targeted by others for his gayness.
Comic Twist: While appearing feminine he can be brave whenever needed.
SCENE
EXT. – DAY – HIKING TRAIL
JACK is teamed up with BILLY on a forced corporate bond-building hike exercise through the Adirondack mountains where they get lost. JACK is wearing safari gear such as khaki shirt and cargo pants, cowboy hat with one side pinned up, Ralph Lauren safari sunglasses, walking stick and serious hiking boots. BILLY is wearing an Hawaiian shirt, a vest, tight, bright shorts, wide-brimmed sun hat with a flower, sneakers, and carrying a parasol. Both have oversized knapsacks on their backs.
JACK
(authoritatively)
I am sure this is the way. The moss on the trees grows on the south side so if we just keep going north we will find civilization. Follow me.
BILLY
(whining)
Face it, boss, we’re lost and it’s all your fault!
JACK
Is not.
BILLY
Is, too.
JACK
Is, too.
BILLY
Is, too.
The two start a pushing match.
JACK
No way.
BILLY
Yes way.
JACK
Nuh-huh.
BILLY
Yah-huh.
JACK
Well you’re sure no Davy Crockett.
BILLY
And you’re no Chingachgook . I’ll bet if he were here he’d help us find our way out of this mess.
A native American in traditional costume comes from the opposite way.
BILLY
(with awe)
I don’t believe it.
JACK
(approaching Native American says solemnly)
Chingachgook.
NATIVE
Chingachgook ?
JACK
Hey, Billy I think I’m getting somewhere.
(Jack raises his arm.)
How!
NATIVE
How?
JACK
We lost. You help find way out?
NATIVE
Listen, bro, not sure who you think I am, but the name is Adam Beach.
(starts walking away)
If you see a film crew tell them I’m lost and looking for them.
The two men walk a little farther with Jack leading. He turns around and faces Billy.
JACK
I’m getting hungry. You have any snacks left?
BILLY
(his face is covered in chocolate and crumbs)
Sorry, just ate the last one.
Behind BILLY there is a long trail of food wrappers.
JACK
(irritated)
You are s-o-o useless. Too bad you weren’t a Boy Scout We’d have a chance of getting out this alive.
BILLY
Wrong-o, Jack-o.
(shows inside of vest with pride)
I’ve got three merit badges.
JACK
Well, that’s promising. Someone tried to make a real man out of you, did they? Hope you earned your badges in something useful, like camping or about fishing or outdoor survival?
BILLY
(BILLY points to each badge in turn)
Wrong again, Jackeroo. Cooking, basket weaving and leatherwork.
JACK
(sarcastic)
Impressive – the Martha Stewart trifecta.
There is a rustle in the bush and MARTHA STEWART steps onto the path holding a plastic bag filled with trail mix.
MARTHA
Whenever you head out on a trip it always wise to have a snack along the way. You can find my trail mix recipe on my website. And that’s a good thing.
MARTHA disappears into the bush. As the men move on they are beset by a cloud of mosquitoes. They start running. Each smacks a mosquito on his forehead, leaving a round red mark. They resume walking after outrunning the mosquitoes. Ahead of them appears a man looking like Mahatma Gandi wearing a loin cloth, shawl, using a walking stick and carrying an over-the-shoulder satchel.
As they are talking a succession of people will pass by them.
GANDI
(bowing slightly, hands together in prayer formation, speaking with East Indian accent)
Namaste, my disciples.
JACK
(bowing, smiling)
Have a nice day to you, too. Where you from?
GANDI
India.
JACK
India, huh. Isn’t that the state due south of Kentucky?
BILLY
(smacks Jack)
He said India, duffus. It’s a country in Asia.
JACK
I knew that. I was just testing him.
A MAN and WOMAN come near the group, stop for a moment and look at a map. They point in opposite directions then move on.
BILLY
Do you have any words of wisdom, oh wise one?
GANDI
Certainly. Garlic makes a man wink, drink and stink.
BILLY
That’s an old wive’s tale.
A sailor with a sextant stops, looks up through it and moves on.
GANDI
Alright. Alright. A stitch in time saves nine.
BILLY
That’s Benjamin Franklin.
A polar explorer in a seal skin coat, stops, consults a compass, spins around and walks on.
GANDI
How about this? Do or do not. There is no try.
BILLY
Yoda from Star Wars.
Two Star Wars characters shuffle by while dueling with light sabres.
GANDI
Quite right. Overthinking is the biggest cause of unhappiness.
BILLY
Buddha.
GANDI
Oh. You wanted something original? If you pay cash you get ten per cent off on all food orders at the Little House of India.
BILLY
Say. You’re no guru, are you?
GANDI
No, no, no. Just a delivery guy from Little House of India.
(flips around satchel with “Little House of India” printed on it)
I am to deliver this food to a film crew, but I seem to have become a little disoriented.
(starts walking away)
Namaste.
BILLY and JACK walk on and into clearing. Some twenty yards ahead is BLACK BEAR with its back to the two.
JACK
SHIT!
BILLY
Just did. You carrying the toilet paper or am I? (beat) Never mind.
BILLY drops the knapsack and rummages through. He pulls out and starts tossing a hair dryer, a rubber duckie, a woman’s bra, a cat, a small kitchen sink and – finally – a roll of toilet paper. He stands up, creates a wad of paper and slides it down his backside then drops it.
JACK
Now, if we are downwind we’re safe. The bear won’t know we’re here ‘cause bears can smell much better than they see. And we don’t want him smelling you.
BILLY raises the hand which he just was used to wipe his rear, wets a finger and holds it up to gauge wind direction.
Bad news. We have a southerly wind at six miles an hour, definitely upwind from the bear.
JACK
Oh Shit!
BILLY
Will you stop saying that!
(He starts to wrap another wad of toilet paper.)
The BEAR sniffs the air and turns around.
JACK
(sarcastic)
Too bad you can’t using those cooking skills of yours to whup up a honey cake and feed the bear so we could escape.
There is a rustling in a nearby bush. MARTHA STEWART steps out holding a honey cake.
MARTHA
For a delicious honey cake that you and any bear would love just go to my website for the recipe. And that’s a good thing.
MARTHA disappears back into the bush.
JACK
They say that if you play dead a bear won’t bother you.
JACK falls down.
BILLY
You need to be more convincing than that!
He drops down and flops about before lying still. Meanwhile JACK has risen.
JACK
You think the bear will be fooled by that act?
He clutches his heart, moans, spins about, falls down and flops about a few times before lying still. Meanwhile BILLY has gotten up.
BILLY
That’s the best you can do?
BILLY throws arms out, clutches his heart, staggers, falls to ground, and rolls about. Meantime JACK has arisen and begins another death act. Simultaneously, each continues to try to outdo the other. After about two minutes of watching, the BEAR ROARS. Both jump to their feet.
JACK
Oh SHIT!
BILLY
Will you PLEASE stop saying THAT?
BILLY takes the toilet paper roll from the ground and starts to wrap another wad of toilet paper.
JACK
Only one thing left to do – RUN!!
Both start running through the debris field of BILLY’S things (including wads of toilet paper)away from the bear. Billy is ahead, but JACK pushes him.
JACK
Only one thing counts now. If I’m ahead of you I’m home free!
BILLY trips over the knapsack and falls down, face into a wad of toilet paper, knocking himself out. The BEAR runs over Billy and JACK scrambles up a tree. JACK looks down and makes a face at the bear. The BEAR, growling, reaches up and tears off one of JACK’S boots. Jack screams like a girl.
JACK
(tears streaming down his face)
I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die.
There is a rustling of another bush. MARTHA pops out.
MARTHA
Now if you happen to be treed by a bear the best thing to do is
(beat. She frowns.) The best thing to do is. (beat. She shrugs her shoulders.) Sorry fella, I’ve got nothing. Basically you’re fucked.
MARTHA disappears. A loud air horn sounds behind Jack. This scares JACK and he falls out of the tree. The BEAR runs away. BILLY is awaken by the sound and stands up and comes to JACK. At the same time two park rangers approach the tree, one holding an air horn and the other a handful of food wrappers.
JACK
Thank you, thank you, thank you for saving us. How did you ever find us?
PARK RANGER #1
First we followed the food wrappers
(He holds up a fist full of wrappers)
When that trail went cold, we came across an Indian guy who pointed us in your direction. The girly scream brought us to you. By the way, there will be a one thousand dollar fine for littering. Who’s paying?
Thanks, Hal, for a very good, concisive course. I liked the structure in terms of following a line of development. Your approach is different from the common wisdom of “just sitting down and writing a script.” You brought forward several tips and techniques for building comedy into a script. Much appreciated. (Your cheque is in the mail.)
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Hi Larry nice job- LOVE Martha Stewart in it. You got most of what Hal asked for. That is amazing. My only suggestion would be I would like to see a moment or so of the two being regular so the audience can move along with them down the trail so speak. eg. Swatting a mosquito and missing -something we might all do and can relate to.
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Hi Eclipse: Thanks for your note. You make a good point as to having the characters do “regular” things which would then allow a contrasting of their goofiness. I see that details can be so important in writing a solid comic scene and script.
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Hi Larry. Having the two opposites lost and trying to find their way out while encountering a host of other people was amusing and showed a grasp of the lessons. Do those characters disappear before Jack and Billy could follow them? Is Martha Stewart meant to be done as a commercial?
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Hi William: Thanks for your note. Yes, as Billy and Gandi are engaged in conversation, the other characters are wandering in and out of the shot. I should have made that clearer. The Martha Stewart element was meant as a running gag and parody of her. Her final segment was meant as a comic twist where “Miss Know-it-all” has no answer for Jack’s predicament and uncharacteristically uses crude language.
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Eclipse Neilson Day 11
What I’ve learned is the skill sheet and all the techniques increased my scene. I have been working on this script with group senior friend for the last few months and I can’t wait to share this one! The Topper “yumm” shows up in an earlier scene. This scene is three quarter through the script and is new one I wrote with the class. I love feed back and will love to exchange with all who want. I should let you know this is my first comedy though.
INCONGRUENCE
The main incongruence is the women are seniors age range 75-97. All but Radna know anything about metaphysical or supernatural experiences but are willing to go along. They are about to begin an adventure to find buried gold that a ghost has told Radna in a earlier scene about .The ghost said they must use pendulums . They just recently bought pendulums in a New Age shop.(another funny scene)
CHARACTER LOGLINES:
RADNA (80) a sophisticated free spirited hippie with a stern rebellious approach to life, has a flare for the supernatural and has taken the role to teach the residents her skills.
ANNE (97) wheelchair bound, hunched over, chin on her chest type of senior.She is a women of few words but when she speaks its to the point and has a bite to it.
SILVIA (78) eats when she is nervous – a bit of a fearful clown and the supernatural challenges her spiritual belief system though she tries to make nothing of it.
JEANIE (75) is gay has a Unitarian way of understanding the world but mostly keeps to herself.
TILDA (75) was raised a gypsy, talks too much, is a people pleaser and knows she needs to stand up for herself.Likes to be the group comic.
MARTHA once a successful business woman who never took a break, trusts no one and has little patience but now must simply learn to be one of the gals.
SET UP:
The women are gathering as planned to go out into the garden and dowse for gold in the dark of night when everyone else sleeps. (Including the attendants)
Title: WHEN THE NIGHT CHILD DANCES (DRAMA /COMEDY)
INT.LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
The women sit around the coffee table. A big table lit chandelier sits in the center.
The women are in night gowns and raincoats. Each has a flashlight and their crystal pendulum. They are all wearing one of Radna’s collection of colorful hats. Some don’t fit.
Anne sits in her wheel chair next Jeanie. Her hat droops over her nose when she rest her chin on her chest. She tosses it on the floor frustrated.
Martha on her phone rushes in. She is wearing a sexy short negligee. They all raise their eyebrows shocked. Martha sees their expression.
MARTHA
Gotta go. Bye.
TILDA
Oh la la.
RADNA
Are you kidding me?
Martha flashes her negligee, pulls out her crystal pendulum and struts across the room as if she was on stage in a fashion show. Jeanie leans over to Silvia and whispers.
JEANIE
There’s always one in every crowd.
Annie looks up from her wheelchair stares at Martha up and down, pauses and ask with a straight face.
ANNE
Where’s your boobs?
Everyone laughs. Martha is not sure she thinks its funny sits down next to Tilda. Tilda pats her knee.
TILDA
You’re lucky they are so small. Look at mine.
Shows her boobs.
RADNA
Sandbags I drag around.
SILVIA
Me too.
The women giggle.
Radna busily sketches out a map ignores the conversation. They wait for Radna to give instructions.
They get bored.
Martha blinks her flashlight. Jeanie blinks back with hers. Soon everyone is playing blink, blink with them. They giggle and get into it and begin to blink in rhythm.
Tilda stands up starts a rap sound – a shaboom beatbox and pretends she is holding a mike as she blinks her light. She turns and looks at the women. No one joins in.
TILDA
Aha…lets try … Bomp, bomp …Who put the bomp in the bomp shush bomp bomp.
The group joins in.They stand up and pretend to do the Bomp dance.
Radna looks up from her map. Yells out.
RADNA
Ok, who smoked the dope?
Tilda starts a new rap.
TILDA
Who smoked the dope? Bomp Bomp
The other women join in giggle and stare at Radna defiantly.
Anne sits in the wheelchair with her hand raised, chin on her chest. Radna turns to her.
RADNA
Anne why is your hand raised?
ANNE
I did.
RADNA
You did what?
ANNE
For God sake girls! Are you all going senile?
JEANIE
(chuckles)
Who isn’t?
RADNA
Who isn’t what?
JEANIE
OMG. Going senile! Who isn’t going senile?
Everyone raises their hand and shakes their head no and mumbles not me. Look at each other to verify they aren’t.
RADNA
Back to what I asked…Anne why is your hand raised?
Anne looks up at her hand.
ANNE
Um…I can’t remember. Oh! yes. Wait I know…I did!
RADNA
Did what?
ANNE
Dope, remember? I smoked a joint want one?
Pulls out a joint and grins. Martha shakes her head no.
MARTHA
Nope… Martinis for me.
JEANIE
Scotch on the rocks for me.
SILVIA
I’m prone to liqueurs nice and sweet and easy and….
Radna interrupts frustrated .
RADNA
Ok ladies this is not working we have this big task ahead of us and you all are ….ah um – never mind. Remember? The gold? Why we are here tonight we could be watching TV.
They all nod yes.
SILVIA
What do watch?
RADNA
STOP! No more chat chit!
TILDA
It’s chit chat.
Radna ignore her and walks over to the center of the room.
RADNA
Let’s circle up and get centered with an OM.
The all stand and line up in front of Radna looking like the seven dwarfs. She rolls her eyes. Draws a circle in the air.
RADNA (CONT’D)
This is a circle and you are a line!
They quickly shuffle around and form a circle and hold hands. Anne starts the OMMMMM. They all join in one at a time trying to look serious. The toning never quite builds into a crescendo.
Tilda yawns as she OMMMS. Soon everyone is yawning and trying to OMMMM.
RADNA (CONT’D)
Ok, ok, I give up lets do it your way. YUMMMMM…
Soon the women are smiling and are singing a choir of YUMMMS until it they all feel glorious.
SILVIA
Cookie time?
The women nod and head back to their chairs. The women each grab a cookie and have pleasurable moment as they munch.
Tilda jumps up holds and her cookie up like the statue of liberty.
TILDA
Aha a Yum….yummm?
Martha jerks her back down and frowns at her to shush. Everyone continues to munch contently.
RADNA
Soooo, I was thinking we might need some help on this treasure hunt.
GROUP
Help?
RADNA
Perhaps a ghost or two?
Radna smiles and waits for a response. Silvia chokes over her cookie. Grabs her water.
They look at each other and get what Radna has just said knowing she is not kidding. They begin to freak all at once.
They gulp. Smile nervously. Some try not to twitch. Anne smirks.Silvia jumps up runs to the door to leave.
Tilda runs after her and blocks the door spread eagle.
Silvia whines and crosses her legs .
SILVIA
I’ve got to pee!
Martha walks over and grabs the big fancy china bowl from the sidebar. Hands it to Silvia. Silvia stares at her then the bowl.
SILVIA (CONT’D)
Never mind.
They all go sits back down.
RADNA
Ok that suggestion didn’t go well. Lets’s ask the pendulum if we should have ghost help us.
Everyone nod yes,
RADNA (CONT’D)
Good! Silvia why don’t you do us the favor and dowse?
Silvia looks at Radna and points her to herself with a you want me look. She stands up with her pendulum and raises it. Her hands shakes too much. Martha and Jeanie hold her still.
RADNA (CONT’D)
Ok ready?…Mr…Pendulum …
She turns to Radna.
SILVIA
Is a pendulum a he or she?
Radna rolls her eyes.
SILVIA (CONT’D)
Never mind, ah pendulum should we have ghost help us?
The pendulum quickly responds with a big yes! Silvia faints back into the sofa.The women fan her face.
Anne is playing with her pendulum hypnotically.
ANNE
Did she pee?
Tilda looks.
TILDA
Nope…not a drop …oh wait a moment ….oh My God…nope just joking.
Silvia opens her eyes Jeanie gives her the bottle of water.She gulps and gulps.
RADNA
Ok those who need to take bathroom break GO.
All but Martha jumps up to go. Radna calls after them.
RADNA (CONT’D)
But let me remind you, it is not a good idea to keep ghost waiting.
(Chuckles)
We”ll meet you outside by the fountain.
Radna and Martha walk towards the porch door. Radna stops and turns to her.
RADNA (CONT’D)
Did you know ghost don’t have to pee?
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This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by Eclipse Neilson.
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Hi Eclipse. I liked the interplay between these senior ladies and old songs which showed you using the techniques you learned from the class. It seemed to end abruptly as if there’s more to come as they try to reach their objective.
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William you are absolutely right. It transitions to another scene where the group is outside looking for the gold. But since I think we were only suppose to do one scene. I ended it there.In one of our assignments I did both inside and outside.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by
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Reply to Eclipse:
I liked your interchange between the ol’ gals. There was much clever repartee between them. I could picture the group going through their antics. Nicely done.
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Thank you Larry for the encouragement. My first comedy /dram script.
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Margaret’s (DAY 11) Final Scene
INT. IRENE’S KITCHEN – DAY
A pair of jean-clad legs sticks out from under an old kitchen sink. A woman’s voice (IRENE) echoes out from the cabinet.
IRENE (O.C.)
Leaks like a sieve.
A voice from under the sink (smart phone) replies.
SMART PHONE
Welcome to “How to fix a leaky sink.” This is generally an easy procedure if you follow these simple steps.
IRENE (O.C.)
Just because you up and died doesn’t mean I can’t take care of myself. See that, Dan! All I need is the good Lord… And you-tube. Ha! Thank you, Jesus!
The voice continues.
SMART PHONE (O.C.)
It is easier for you to replace the whole strainer with a new one.
IRENE (O.C.)
It would be easier for me to pay for a plumber, but that’s not happening either.
SMART PHONE (O.C.)
First you need to turn the water off.
IRENE (O.C.)
Well, now. That would fix everything. Smart aleck! It wouldn’t leak then, would it?
(a beat)
Turning the water off…
SMART PHONE (O.C.)
Now put a bucket under the strainer.
The smart phone is tossed out of the cabinet, followed by the owner of the legs, a spunky octogenarian, Irene Thorpe, the definition of independence.
IRENE
(muttering)
Bucket. Who has a bucket hanging around their kitchen?
She opens a cupboard, takes out a mixing bowl, talks to it.
IRENE
You’re the bucket. I’m the plumber.
Irene sets the mixing bowl under the sink.
She presses the play button and the smart phone continues.
SMART PHONE
Next, unscrew the two nuts.
Irene hits the pause button.
IRENE
Screw? Nuts? Can’t they make any video nowadays that isn’t R rated?
She climbs back under the sink with her phone.
IRENE (O.C.)
Ooof!
SMART PHONE (O.C.)
If the nuts are too tight, you might need a wrench.
Irene emerges once again, yelling at the phone.
IRENE
Smart phone? Not so smart if you ask me! Shoulda told me I needed a wrench before I crawled back in there. I’m not the youngest kindergartner in the playground!
Irene gets up, uses the cabinet doors for support, rubs her back, stretches to straighten up.
She moves over to drawer and opens it. There is an assortment of tools, along with band-aids and a banana. She takes all the contents out and dumps them onto the floor next to the sink.
IRENE
Fool me once, shame on you… fool me twice…
Irene picks up a wrench and her phone, positions herself back under the sink.
SMART PHONE (O.C.)
Once the nuts are loose, take hold of the pipes and pull…
The phone is paused mid sentence.
IRENE (O.C.)
You’re talking to an 80-year-old here! A little respect is in order!
(a beat)
Can’t do it with this bowl in the way!
The bowl flies out from under the sink.
IRENE (O.C.)
Pulling the pipes… AAWWW!
Irene comes out of the sink, water dripping from her face and hair, holding her phone. She presses the play button.
SMART PHONE
… emptying the water into the container below.
Irene hits the pause button, looks over to her refrigerator, which is covered with a myriad of notes to herself and a picture of smiling late husband, Dan.
IRENE
(to the picture)
I don’t want to hear it.
She presses the play button.
SMART PHONE
Next, disconnect the overflow pipe…
Irene presses pause, peers under the sink.
IRENE
Seems to me like everything overflowed.
She disappears back under the sink. Several pieces of pipe fly out from under the sink.
SMART PHONE (O.C.)
Unscrew the screw holding the drain to the top of the drainer and lift out the strainer unit.
IRENE (O.C.)
We don’t need to talk about screwing. I am a widow, you know.
Irene reappears and picks up a screwdriver. It is more difficult for her to stand this time and it takes her several seconds to straighten up.
She unscrews the drain and lifts out the unit, looking proud. She presses the play button.
SMART PHONE
Clean up the hole before you do the next step…
Irene punches the pause button.
IRENE
I’ve been cleaning house longer than you’ve been invented, don’t be telling me how to clean my house!
She grabs her sponge, swipes at the hole in the bottom of the sink, cuts her finger on a sharp edge. She turns on the faucet to wash her finger. No water. She leans down next to the sink, rummages for a band-aid.
Once the band-aid is applied, she hits the play button.
SMART PHONE
Be careful, the edge may be sharp.
Irene punches the pause button.
RING! RING!
Irene is about to reply when another phone rings. A land-line attached to an old-fashioned dial phone.
She moves stiffly to the phone.
IRENE
Got a hitch in my get-a-long. Been under that sink too long.
She massages her hip and picks up the phone.
IRENE
Hello?
(a beat)
I won a year’s worth of groceries? Hallelujah! Bless you!!
Irene looks over at her smart phone.
IRENE
Yes, I have a smart phone.
(a beat)
Yes, I can enter my social security number and my birth date. One moment.
Irene uses the dial on her dial phone to dial in the numbers, then speaks into the receiver.
IRENE
Hello? Hello? I did it! Hello?
She slams the receiver down.
IRENE
(to self)
Go get my own groceries, soon as I finish fixing this sink. Buy me some nuts.
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Hi Margaret. Most widowed senior ladies ( and many younger ones) wouldn’t dare attempt to fix their plumbing and the grocery bit at the end shows just how vulnerable she was.
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Hi Margaret,
Self reliance is a wonderful thing and this “Ol’ Gal” sure is determined. Despite all her mishaps with the task at hand, her octogenarian mind defeated the scammer. A victory for all of us!
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Margaret what a funny scene and such great set up. genius idea. It is one of those scenes you remember and talk about once you are out of the theater. I have no suggestion cause it seems just perfect to me!
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DAY 11 WILLIAM BEASLEY FAVORITE COMEDY
TITLE : WHO’S ON FIRST DOWN?
INT KITCHEN – Early Sunday Afternoon in Fall
WIFE (late 20’s) sitting at kitchen table in nightwear having coffee while reading the paper. Gets up to look for TV section.
ENTER
HUSBAND (late 20’s) wearing NY Giants hat, jersey, and jeans.
HUSBAND
I thought you were leaving.
WIFE
Changed my mind. Did you see the TV section earlier?
HUSBAND
Wasn’t looking for it. Why?
WIFE
I want to see what’s coming on.
HUSBAND
If you don’t find it, we can always check on the TV.
HUSBAND takes out buffalo wings, smells.
HUSBAND
Hmm. Can’t wait to sink my teeth into these.
WIFE
What about dinner?
HUSBAND
(POINTS) I got mine.
WIFE
Hope there’s enough to share.
HUSBAND
Just enough for one.
WIFE
One Army.
HUSBAND
Can’t you fix yourself a sandwich?
WIFE
It’s Sunday. I should be able to have one good meal a week.
HUSBAND
Maybe we can order out after the game?
WIFE
(SHOCKED) Order out? You?
HUSBAND
I said maybe, no promises.
HUSBAND opens large chip bag and starts counting how many he puts in bowl.
HUSBAND
Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen. There.
HUSBAND takes out a few dip jars and points.
HUSBAND
Eenie, meenie, meinie, mo.
HUSBAND chooses one.
WIFE shakes her head.
WIFE
I’ve got my own Felix Ungar.
WIFE grabs a handful of chips and starts munching.
HUSBAND
Neatness counts.
INT LIVING ROOM
HUSBAND starts setting up snacks on two trays in Living Room. He arranges then rearranges them.
HUSBAND
Can you bring me a beer?
WIFE
Sure.
INT KITCHEN
WIFE gets beer and hands to HUSBAND.
INT LIVING ROOM
HUSBAND reaches for beer and knocks over chips.
HUSBAND
Damn.
WIFE
Now you’re Oscar Madison; you’re your own Odd Couple. Let me get my broom.
HUSBAND
Are you going to jump on it and fly away?
WIFE
If only I had a witch’s power, I’d twitch my nose and live in a world of my own.
WIFE twitches her nose.
WIFE
It may have worked for Samantha on “Bewitched” or Jeanie on ‘I Dream of Jeanie” but not for me.
WIFE sweeps up chips.
HUSBAND
Can you bring me the chip bag?
WIFE
Sure.
WIFE gets chip bag and brings it to him.
WIFE
How many do you want?
HUSBAND
My usual fifteen.
WIFE counts out fifteen chips into bowl then grabs a handful for herself.
WIFE
Here you go.
HUSBAND
Thanks.
HUSBAND looks around.
HUSBAND
Seen remote?
WIFE
You do sometimes.
HUSBAND moves to TV.
HUSBAND
I can’t find the button to turn it on.
WIFE
You’ve got the same problem with me.
HUSBAND
If only TV remotes worked the same on woman.
HUSBAND finds remote.
HUSBAND
Here it is. Since we got the new big screen yesterday I’ve been waiting for this moment so that the first thing I watched is my Giants playing football.
HUSBAND turns on TV and sits down on sofa.
WIFE stands in front of TV and does a sexy dance.
WIFE
What do you think?
HUSBAND
I think you should move your ass from in front of the TV.
WIFE
Why watch the game when you can watch me?
HUSBAND
I can watch you anytime.
WIFE climbs on his lap.
HUSBAND
What are you doing?
WIFE takes off his hat and puts it on.
WIFE
(SEDUCTIVELY) Why don’t we . . .
HUSBAND
Didn’t we last night?
WIFE
No law says we can’t do it again.
HUSBAND
I need more time to recuperate.
WIFE
No, you don’t.
HUSBAND
How do you know?
WIFE
That’s not a gun I’m feeling in your pocket.
HUSBAND
Tell you what. Why don’t you go take a nice relaxing bath and nap and I’ll be up in a few hours?
WIFE
Why wait? You’re up now.
HUSBAND
Can’t I just watch my game in peace?
WIFE
I’m trying to give you a piece.
HUSBAND
After the game, please?
WIFE
I’ll try to keep it warm for you.
HUSBAND
Thank you.
HUSBAND takes hat back and puts on.
WIFE sits down on sofa and takes chip bag.
HUSBAND
Why are you sitting?
WIFE
Watching the game with my loving hubby.
HUSBAND
But you don’t understand sports?
WIFE
You can teach me. Which game is this?
HUSBAND
Football.
WIFE
Which one is that?
HUSBAND
You’ve never seen football?
WIFE
I wasn’t into sports.
HUSBAND
Not even from your father or two brothers?
WIFE
They did their thing; I did mine.
HUSBAND
Seriously, you’ve never seen a football game?
WIFE
I may have overheard some sports games, but I wasn’t paying attention.
The players look so big on this screen. Who’s playing?
HUSBAND
The Giants and Cowboys.
WIFE
The San Francisco Giants are playing?
HUSBAND
No, the New York Giants. The San Francisco Giants play baseball.
WIFE
Oh. Where are they playing?
HUSBAND
The Meadowlands in New Jersey.
WIFE
Why is a New York team playing in Jersey?
HUSBAND
It’s a long story that I’ll tell you some other time.
WIFE
Hey, the team in white just scored a home run.
HUSBAND
A touchdown.
WIFE
That wasn’t a homerun?
HUSBAND
Home runs are in baseball.
WIFE
Oh, how was I supposed to know?
HUSBAND
I’ll explain. In baseball, you score by hitting the ball with a bat and touching the bases.
In football, you score by running, catching or kicking the ball through the end zone.
WIFE
And that’s when that loud guy yells gooooooaaaaaallllll?
HUSBAND
No. that’s soccer.
WIFE
Isn’t soccer, football?
HUSBAND
Everybody in the world calls soccer football except us.
WIFE
Why do we have to be different?
HUSBAND
That’s just the way it is.
WIFE
They only score goals in soccer?
HUSBAND
They score goals in hockey too.
WIFE
They couldn’t think of another name to call their scores, so people don’t get confused?
HUSBAND
It’s not confusing. Don’t let me keep you from anything.
WIFE
You’re not keeping me from anything.
HUSBAND
You’re sure?
WIFE
I’m sure. Why are they lining up?
HUSBAND
After a team scores, they kick the ball off to the other team.
WIFE
. . . Why’d everybody gang up on that poor guy?
HUSBAND
To keep him from running and scoring.
WIFE
Aren’t they supposed to score?
HUSBAND
The team that scores the most wins, but the other team tries to stop them.
Okay, the Giants have the ball, first and ten.
WIFE
I don’t see the base.
HUSBAND
What base?
WIFE
First base.
HUSBAND
That’s baseball. Baseball has bases.
WIFE
And football has foots?
HUSBAND
No, it has yards.
WIFE
Aren’t yards made of feet?
HUSBAND
Football is measured in downs. A team has four downs to move the ball ten yards
to get a new set of downs until they either reach the end zone or kick the ball back to the other team.
WIFE
So, who’s on first down?
HUSBAND
Never mind. Was there something else you’d rather be doing?
WIFE
I’ll just stay out here with you.
HUSBAND
You don’t have to . . .
Yells out.
Damn, interception.
WIFE
He’s running away with the ball from everybody.
HUSBAND
Yells.
Catch him.
WIFE
Nobodies stopping him.
HUSBAND
Yells.
Get him . . . Damn.
WIFE
Did he score a run?
HUSBAND
He scored a touchdown.
WIFE
Right, touchdown. Why aren’t you happy?
HUSBAND
I’m rooting for the Giants.
WIFE
Oh, that’s why you’re wearing all that stuff. . . . Is that guy going to kick a basket?
HUSBAND
A field goal. Baskets are in basketball.
WIFE
Are those the cute guys who run around in shorts?
HUSBAND
Yes.
WIFE
They’re lining up for the kick on.
HUSBAND
Kickoff.
WIFE
Oh, kickoff . . . there it goes . . . The guy waiting is supposed to run with it?
HUSBAND
Sometimes . . . ooh.
WIFE
Why did he drop the ball?
HUSBAND
He fumbled it.
WIFE
The man in the other uniform picked it up and now he’s running to the finish line.
HUSBAND
Damn.
WIFE
Is he supposed to throw the ball down like that and dance?
HUSBAND
Can I get you a beer?
HUSBAND rises.
WIFE
That would be sweet.
HUSBAND
Be right back.
HUSBAND exits to kitchen, returns with beer and cell phone.
HUSBAND
Here you go, my love. Oh, the guys just texted me to come down to Jeremy’s to
catch the game. I’ll be back after the game so help yourself .
WIFE
Okay, dear. Have fun.
HUSBAND
I will.
EXIT HUSBAND
WIFE
I thought he’d never leave.
WIFE grabs remote and changes the channel.
WIFE
Now I can finish binge-watching Bridgerton. I’m up to episode five.
The end
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William – your scene is a fun read. quite enjoyed the funny, snappy interchange with layers of subtext. can easily picture it playing out. though admittedly I am Eagles fan.
-
Hi William,
Loved the snappy interchanges, had me chuckling throughout. Reminiscent of George and Gracie and, of course, Abbot and Costello. The Odd Couple references were well placed and the Bewitched nose twitch a fine touch. Shades of Preston Sturges.
-
-
Christy Waites’ Comedy Scenes
Although I knew what makes comedy, it was more concrete, like knowing the name of each football member and their job, but not really know what that player does because I’ve never played professional football. So I really appreciate this class. Nothing came hard, I enjoyed the examples to understand what-was-what, I love the lessons, and I feel much more comfortable and confident about writing a comedy instead of anything else with some comedic incidents in it. 🙂
___
Tavis Crawford Angus McThorn IV can make it into a sporting team at the academy, but with disastrous results, so he turned to the debate, which he excels at. The problem is his father, Lord Tavis Crawford Angus McThorn III, only considers participating in a contact sport to turn a boy into a man.
Tavis IV learns ,to his delight, that this is not true, and he joins the debate team. Tavis does have his mother’s, Lady Celest Lenore McThorn, support. She and Nanny Lise has never missed a single tournament.
Lady McThorn even allows the boys to celebrate their victories in their home, and with Tavis on their team, they were wining each time. However, this information must be kept secret from Lord McThorn. Luckily, the days of the tournaments corresponded with days that Lord McThorn went to the London to complete paperwork.
INT. MCTHORN HOUSE – DAY
One day Lord McThorn is home early and surprises the boys in the dining room. They are in their team outfits, wearing party hats and cheering for Tavis by throwing colored confetti on him. It was their last win, therefore, their last celebration.
Lord McThorn
What’s the meaning of this?
The children froze. Their eyes moved from Tavis to Lord McThorn.
Lord McThorn
Tavis, I asked a question? What is this?
His hands move across the room imply his friends in the dining room.
The boys swivel their heads to look at Tavis, who is stuck for words.
Tavis
Huh. Well. You see, I…Uh. Uh…well…You see. Uh.
Lady McThorn comes in carrying a tray of sandwiches and one of the maids has a tray with glasses and a picture. The maid lays her tray on the table and retreats.
Lady McThorn
Oh, stop picking on the boys. I took them to the city where they could play marbles in the back alleys to make their allowances go further.
All the boys continued to look forward while they sent each other messages with their eye.
Lord McThorn
You did what?
Lady McThorn is passing out small plates that were on the dining stand. She gives each boy a sly wink as she passes by. The Lord’s patience is running long.
Lady McThorn
Go ahead boys, do not be shy. Tell Lord McThorn how the day went and why are celebrating.
Lord McThorn gaze becomes fierce, and the boys understood what they must do.
Boy One
Uh…yeah…and…uh…I won two pounds…a shilling…and a sparkling Cat’s Eye.
He and the other boys nod their heads and smile. The closest one to him pats him on the shoulder.
The next boy was a little hesitant at first, the blurted out the end.
Boy Two
Uh, well…I didn’t win much, only some shillings…but I did win a nice Cat’s Eye
Boy Three
Well, I won…three pounds and a new Bumblebee!
Boy Four
That’s nothing. I…I won four pounds, and a Steely!
Calum had to be different.
Calum
I didn’t w…w…win any money. I did get a Boulder, though. That’s good, right?
He looks around at all his friends smiling. The boys give Calum a cheer.
Lord McThorn sears each child’s soul with his piercing eyes.
Lord McThorn
I see trophies beside you in the empty chair. Why do you have trophies? Did they have competition going on at those back alleys?
Each boy stiffens, sitting straight in their seats, Tavis cheeks begin to turn red.
Lord McThorn
I’d like to see them, please.
Each boy, except Tavis, reluctantly placed their trophy on the table. The trophies were simple with the same design. The team then stood up to move their chairs and their trophy as far away from Tavis as they could, sitting and starring at Lord McThorn with fear.
Lord McThorn
Tavis, me laddie, I can also see part of your trophy in the chair next to you. I’d especially like to see yours.
Now shaking a little, Tavis brings his trophy out. It’s a small bowl on a stand, wider and taller than the other trophies.
Lady McThorn
Boys, eat your sandwiches before the fresh vegetables go spoil!
Each boy finds a small plate and napkin, stands up and serves himself a few small sandwiches then return to their seat. They begin stuffing their mouths with the small finger food.
Lady Thorn strolls around the table filling glasses from the pitcher. The boys were happy to have the drink to help the sandwiches go down.
A moment or two went by while the boys ate, Lady McThorn proudly watches over her son, and steam begins to escape from Lord McThorn shoulders.
Lord McThorn
What about those trophies and why is Travis’s bigger than the others?
Lady McThorn
Of course, it was a formal competition. Look at how they are dress? You think I’d take them anyplace that was not part of the up-in-up?
The boys nod their heads, their cheeks full of sandwiches, as they concur.
Boy 3
Oh, yeah, yeah, it was a competition. That’s what it was, yeah.
Boy 1, Boy 2, Boy4, Calum (together)
Yeah, a competition!
Lady McThorn
Ah, can’t you tell? Our son was the big winner!
McThorn face brightens as he makes a noise to show his true feelings.
Lord McThorn
O-auch! (beat) How much money did you win, laddie?
Tavis
Oh, uh…not much, really…huh.
Lady McThorn
Oh, he’s just being modest. He won a fiver, and an entire collection of marbles.
Lord Thorn grabs the top of his head.
Lord McThorn
A fiver? Me laddie! Me son! Me boy! Your grandfather is pissing himself in his grave right now, he’s so proud.
The boys wear a half smile as they nervously smile between the two adults.
Lord McThorn moves closer to Tavis.
Lord McThorn
Let me have the trophy! I want to show everyone at the office!
Lady McThorn easily, but quickly, arranges herself between Tavis and his father.
Lady McThorn
Oh, it’s still needs its plate.
Lord McThorn
What?
Lady McThorn
Dear, you’ve never received a trophy with your name on it, now, have you? You got to see it then return it for the name plate to be added. It’s the same in this case.
Lord McThorn
Oh, I didn’t think about that.
Suddenly, Lord McThorn reaches over and grabs the trophy.
Lord McThorn
Still, the office knows I’m not a liar.
Then Lady McThorn grabs the other end of the trophy.
Lady McThorn
I didn’t said they did.
Now, Lady McThorn happens to have a good grip of the top edge of the trophy, and Lord McThorn has a good grip on the bottom base.
They begin by gazing at other with love, but when it became obvious that the other was serious about not letting go it became a battle ground for a tug of war.
As they tried to take control of the custody of the trophy, one moment the Lord had the lead, the next moment the Lady had the lead, they would grit their teeth making a wider smile across their faces and the fire in their eyes glow brighter.
Poor Tavis is below the Battle of the Parents. He looks at his mother, he looks at his father. He didn’t say a word, he just put his hand over his ears and his head down.
The maid was coming in with the celebration desert, a three-layer cake with a small forth layer holding the representation of Tavis in front of the podium, when Lord McThorn got the base of the trophy loose enough skip backwards and trip into the cake.
Lady McThorn was lucky enough to land into a cushion chair.
And the boys were happy that there was a lot of cake still good to eat.
-
Christy,
Nice job I can see the whole scene- love the setting! And the facial expressions and clean dialog. Easy to relate too for children when the get in possible trouble. Lady McThorn knows exactly how to handle her husband- love it!
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DAY 11 Final Assignment
darryl brant’s Favourite Comedy
What I’ve learned is to use all the techniques covered in the course to make scenes funnier and more memorable.
EXT. RODNEY’S BACKYARD – DAY
PAULIE, late 20’s, suit jacket covering a band shirt, sips a drink next to the WEDDING BAND playing typical wedding songs in a rustic wedding setting.
PAULIE
Can you play Free Bird?
The band ignore him. Paulie notices the wedding name board with the names CLAIRE, late 20’s, bride and RODNEY, early 50’s, groom, spelled out in Scrabble pieces.
Rodney suddenly grabs Paulie’s arm to shake his hand.
RODNEY
Claire warned me you might come. I’m Rodney. Soon to be Mr. Claire.
Paulie pulls away from the handshake.
PAULIE
Will you also be giving her away?
RODNEY
You are welcome to stay. But if you so much as …
Paulie catches sight of Claire in the bedroom window.
RODNEY
… limb by limb I will cut you down.
Paulie points to the window where Claire was standing.
PAULIE
Boobs!
Rodney turns quickly to look. Paulie disappears into the throng of wedding guests.
Paulie rearranges the letters on the name board from ‘Claire + Rodney’ to ‘A Noel Cryer’.
130.
CLAIRE (O.S.)
Psst.
Paulie looks around for the source of the sound.
CLAIRE (O.S.)
Paulie.
Hidden behind a large man and large dog with a white dog collar, Claire beckons Paulie to come over.
CLAIRE
What are you doing here?
PAULIE
I should ask you the same thing.
CLAIRE
You weren’t invited. Go home.
PAULIE
He’s twice your age.
CLAIRE
At least he acts his age.
PAULIE
You get the senior discount on the decorations?
CLAIRE
I have to finish my vows. You better not be here when it starts.
Claire sneaks away unnoticed.
Paulie walks up to the wedding band.
PAULIE
Can you play ‘Father Figure’ by George Michael?
INT. RODNEY’S LIVING ROOM – DAY
Paulie looks at many framed photos of Rodney with different girls the same age as Claire. A laptop sits nearby.
A young MINISTER reads some notes.
PAULIE
Hello father.
131.
MINISTER
Hello young man.
PAULIE
Will you be officiating?
MINISTER
Yes. Actually it’s my first.
PAULIE
Father if you don’t mind, how much is it to hire a pastor these days?
MINISTER
Our church would be happy to give you a quote for our services.
PAULIE
If the couple are non-believers?
MINISTER
There are many options available. I do believe one can get ordained online now.
The minister goes back to his notes.
PAULIE
Tell me father.
The minister looks up annoyed.
MINISTER
Yes?
PAULIE
What does the church say about divorce?
MINISTER
Divorce? What do you ask? Are you experiencing marital strife?
PAULIE
Oh no. Well not really. Though I did have a burrito for lunch.
The minister returns to his notes.
PAULIE
So the church recognizes divorce?
The minister gets angry.
132.
MINISTER
Look son. If you don’t mind. I really must prepare.
INT. RODNEY’S WASHROOM – DAY
Paulie opens the medicine cabinet. Dozens of bottles of medication stare back at him.
Paulie grabs a glass. Fills it with water. Crushes up some random pills. Drops them into the water.
INT. RODNEY’S HOUSE – DAY
Paulie walks back to the minister.
PAULIE
Excuse me father.
MINISTER
For the love of …
PAULIE
Here’s some water.
MONTAGE – PAULIE GETS ORDAINED
–Paulie opens the laptop
–Finds website to get ordained
–Types in credit card details
–Scrolls the text
–Prints the certificate
END MONTAGE
INT. RODNEY’S BATHROOM – DAY
Sitting on the toilet, Paulie writes something on napkins.
EXT. RODNEY’S BACKYARD – DAY
Claire and Rodney look deep into each other’s eyes as the minister officiates between them. Claire is flanked by her MAID OF HONOUR, Rodney by his BEST MAN.
133.
The letters on the name board now say ‘Cold Rear’.
The minister sweats profusely. Struggles to stand.
Paulie makes out with an ELDERLY WOMAN out of spite.
MINISTER
(slurring his words)
If anyone can show just cause why this couple cannot lawfully be joined together in matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.
Claire grits her teeth. Rodney looks at her nervously.
The minister reaches out to hold onto something.
The whole wedding party waits in anticipation.
PAULIE (O.S.)
I object!
RODNEY
For fuck’s sake.
CLAIRE
Where did you get the pitchfork?
Paulie stands on a chair holding a pitchfork. He tosses it away. Someone off-screen screams as if they were impaled.
RODNEY
Sit down!
PAULIE
But I object.
RODNEY
It’s a rhetorical question.
CLAIRE
Paulie sit down.
PAULIE
Claire I can’t sit here and watch this minister marry you two.
CLAIRE
Why not?
PAULIE
Cause he’s laying on the ground.
134.
The minister lays between Claire and Rodney.
PAULIE
Luckily I’m ordained.
CLAIRE
What?
Paulie hands them the ordination certificate. Claire and Rodney look it over.
RODNEY
Looks legit.
CLAIRE
You expect him to officiate our wedding?
RODNEY
Well he can’t do it.
The manager sleeps with half his body off the stage.
CLAIRE
But he is your pastor.
Paulie whistles the dog over. Undoes the dog’s collar.
PAULIE
I can wear this.
CLAIRE
You can’t be serious.
PAULIE
Claire bear can we hurry this up? I have two more weddings to officiate later. Final exams are coming up.
Claire and Rodney talk in quiet.
Paulie turns to the maid of honour and best man.
PAULIE
You have the vows? May I see them?
The maid of honour and best man reluctantly hand over the vows.
PAULIE
Look! Asians!
135.
The maid of honour and best man turn to look. Paulie tosses the vows away.
PAULIE
Now if we could proceed with the ceremony. I understand you have prepared your own vows?
Claire and Rodney nod in agreement. Claire and Rodney turn to the maid of honour and best man, respectively. They both point at Paulie.
PAULIE
No worry. I happen to have some stock vows on me.
Paulie pulls out the napkins.
PAULIE
Claire bear here’s yours. And here’s yours teach.
The bride and groom take the vows reluctantly.
PAULIE
(to Rodney)
Just insert Claire’s name here, here, here, and well wherever there’s a blank.
RODNEY
Claire.
Rodney holds Claire’s hand. On the name board, the letters have been rearranged to read ‘An Old Liar.’
RODNEY
Claire. I, Rodney, take you, Claire for my awful wife, to have and to be told from you this day forward, for better, for most likely worse, for richer, for poorer, inevitable sickness and in declining health, until my death do us … what the fuck is this?
A gasp from the wedding guests.
PAULIE
Now Claire bear, since you are nondenominational.
136.
CLAIRE
From this day forward I promise you these things. I will laugh at you in brief times of joy and you comfort me in my times of sorrow.
I will let you support me to achieve my goals. I will try to remain faithful to you, more or less, in times of sickness and declining …
Claire tears the vows into pieces.
The wedding guests boo, spew vitriol and hurl whatever they can at Paulie.
Paulie ducks as a wedding chair goes sailing past his head hitting the name board sending Scrabble pieces everywhere.
Paulie covers his head as he jumps off the stage and heads toward the exit.
Then the drums kick in. The band plays ‘Hot For Teacher’ by Van Halen. Paulie salutes the band. They salute back.
EXT. RODNEY’S DRIVEWAY – DAY
Paulie barrels down the driveway. The wedding party and guests give chase.
Paulie jumps into Rodney’s V-W beetle wedding car. The license plate reads ‘Hot Rod.’
Pulls out keys from the glove box.
Speeds away just as the party converge on him.
Paulie immediately loses control of the car.
Smashes into a telephone pole.
As Paulie sails through the air, the band plays ‘I Believe I Can Fly’ by R. Kelly.
Paulie lands with a thud on the ground. Everything goes black.
Paulie opens his eyes to Claire looking down at him.
CLAIRE
Rodney’s pissed about the car.
137.
PAULIE
Claire don’t marry him. I love you. I have always loved you. Will you marry me?
Paulie lunges up and kisses Claire passionately.
Claire pushes his off.
CLAIRE
Yuck. You taste like Werthers.
PAULIE
Did you hear me?
CLAIRE
I heard you. You’re too late.
Claire holds up her wedding ring.
CLAIRE
The minister came to. He was able to perform the wedding. You’ve been out like two hours.
Rodney stumbles over carrying a champagne bottle.
RODNEY
Serves you right. This Beetle here’s got five hundred horsepower and a rear spoiler. And you are going to pay to have it fixed. Come on Claire bear. Let’s consummate this thing.
CLAIRE
Again?
Rodney and Claire kiss passionately as Paulie is forced to watch.
ELDERLY WOMAN (O.S.)
There you are.
The elderly woman suddenly appears between Claire and Rodney.
She climbs on top of Paulie.
FADE OUT
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Hi Margaret: Your script is really well written. I think humour can come from things we can directly relate to. Great use of double entendres. As a DIYer and a senior (a junior senior as opposed to a senior senior) and one who hates cell phones I can relate on many levels. One small suggestion: you could have your character showing increased frustration towards the end (i.e. adding emotional direction in the script). From experience I can tell you the more a job goes sideways the more frustrated I become. Certain words not found in the dictionary will become common phrases out of my mouth as I get more upset with the work. 🙂
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Ron Basci Favorite Comedy!
Main area of incongruence: Two completely different personalities on a date.
Straight laced, conventional BILLY, 31, is a guy who, no matter what the social situation, would rather be anywhere else. Will he ever get out of his own way long enough to have a serious shot at succeeding?
Quirky JENNY, 28, is ethereal, a child of the moon. She’s a yoga instructor with another talent.
BOB, 33, Billy’s married best buddy.
COUNTERMAN, 40’s, malnourished, tee shirt w/ rolled up sleeves, anchor tattoo on bicep.
Scene:
BILLY runs into BOB who is munching a bag of chips. Billy is in new jeans, polo shirt, and dress shoes. Bob quickly looks him over.
Bob: Let’s get a beer, you’re stressed.
Billy: So what’s new?
He grabs the bag from Bob, pops some into his mouth.
Bob: You aughtta take a night off. Grab a date, have some fun.
Billy: Yeah, sure. I’m not into grabbing.
Billy: You’re pissing your life away, bro, find somebody…Hey, my yoga teacher’s single,
and she’s smokin’ hot! I’ll set you up.
Billy: If she’s that hot, why don’t you date her?
Bob: (raises his hand showing wedding ring.) Remember Sally?
Billy: Look, I don’t need you for a date.
Bob: You won’t be dating me.
Billy: No shit, you’re not my type.
Bob: Now that we have that straight, I’m setting you two up.
Billy: Damnit! I told you I can make my own mistakes, so bug off!
Billy waves a backhand towards Bob to signify discussion is closed.
Bob: (Quick look for non existent bug on shoulder) What?
Ignoring Billy’s request, Bob pulls his phone out. Billy angrily slaps at it with his chips bag hand, spraining his wrist. Contents fly. He turns away bent in pain with eyes shut tight grasping his damaged limb.
Billy: Owwww! Forget the beer, I’ll never lift a bottle again.
Bob (ignoring, opens his cell phone) Hey, drama boy, open your eyes, I have her picture, take a look!
Billy: No! Knock it off, will ya, I’m hurting here!
Bob: C’mon.
Bob tries to hold it near Billy’s face as Billy squirms. When he finally opens his eyes…they bug out. The pain is suddenly gone, Billy straightens up, can’t take his eyes off image.
Billy: Holy Lollobrigida, is she for real? Forgive me, Raquel.
Bob: You betcha.
Billy: And you’d set me up with HER?
Bob: I’m taking that as a yes.
Billy: Call her, already, what the hell are you waiting for? Do it!
Bob: Sure, you never know. Sometimes the pick of the litter will fall for the runt.
Next Day. Billy arrives early at the seaside park Ferris wheel, takes a look around for Jenny, shrugs and heads to nearby concession stand. He wears a sport coat, open collar shirt, slacks, casual shoes and a bandaged hand. En route, an excited kid carelessly running bumps him dripping ice cream onto his shirt. Silent, but with a chagrined look at parent he meticulously wipes it with his handkerchief, replaces it in a pocket, then closes jacket button to hide the stain. Reaching the counter he perches on a wobbly stool, the only available one, almost slipping off. Orders a Heineken and fries. Bottle is handed to Billy. As he loads plate by scraping fries off discarded dishes the Counterman notices some are grayish, turns to Billy while lifting a catsup bottle. Billy nods, yes. The spuds are drowned, removing all evidence. Billy eats and has several more beers while waiting. He is soon two sheets to the wind.
Jenny: A physically fit beauty, is wearing a white sunhat over pageboy styled blue hair with yellow streaks, a green sweatshirt with gold lettering: “Flowers are People too”, a pair of orange short shorts over black waist high leggings, white sneakers, no bag or purse.
Jenny eventually arrives at the Ferris wheel, looks around. She spots Billy’s upraised beckoning arm and approaches. Empty beer bottles denote time passage.
Jenny: Hi, Billy?
As Billy rises to greet her, the wobbly stool and excessive beer causes him to lose his balance. Slamming his bandaged hand on the counter to keep from falling, Billy winces and tries to stifle his pain. The glancing blow to his plate of fries sends them sailing into a grizzled nosher’s plate, one landing in his beer glass. Reaction as nosher slowly plucks a soggy fry from his glass flicking same at Billy, hitting his jacket then sliding down. Billy is oblivious to this action behind him. Customer then flicks again with a second fry, same result. Counterman wipes counter with a dirty rag giving a “well done” nod to customer. Simultaneously:
Billy: Hi, Jenny how the hell are you? What would you like?
She sits at Billy’s now available other side.
Jenny: Sorry I’m so late. What are you having?
Billy: A Heinie
Jennie: I just love Heinies.
Billy motions to Counterman for two beers. She is silently staring at his head.
Noticing, Billy nervously smooths his hair.
Billy: Is something wrong?
Jenny: Interesting.
Billy: My hair?
Jenny: No, your hair’s adequate, I’m absorbing your aura.
Billy: My aura? You mean I have a rainbow?
Jenny: I’m very sensitive. I can see them. They tell me what people are like.
Billy: Oooh K, so what are you seeing?
Jenny: Really interesting.
Billy: What, why? Tell me.
Jenny: I’ve never seen one like yours before.
Billy: Does that make me special?
Jenny: (breaks her stare) It really does. Yours is slate gray, like those clams over there. Like a pet rock.
Billy: Never had one. I had a guppie once.
Jenny: Rocks are people, too, so are guppies.
Billy is trying hard to stay in the moment.
Billy: Of course. Bob tells me you’re a yoga instructor.
Jenny: I’m very aware of different energies, and yours is so…so excitingly unique. You should work out more.
Billy: Will you show me the Downward Dog?
Jenny: (smiling) Nope, I get paid to teach.
Billy: (becoming desperate) I see you like plants. I had a spider plant once.
Jenny: They’re my favorites!
Billy: I think it drowned.
Jenny: How terribly sad. Bob said you wanted to be an actor. What happened?
Billy: Reality.
Jenny (laughing): You’re a dull guy, but funny…like Bob Newhart.
Billy: Who? (finally becoming a bit at ease) You think so?
Jenny: Totally, I would even pay to see you in a movie. Yes!, a porno!
Billy: But, I’d have to take my clothes off…And with my pasty white heinie, nah.
Feeling a rising tide in his gut, Billy suddenly spews flotsam and fries, a fair portion of which
splatter on Jenny’s sneakers, ankles and leggings. She calmly studies the result.
Billy: (rising awkwardly, grabbing for napkins as stool falls away) God, I’m so sorry…
Jenny: (looks up with a gigantic grin) What fabulous colors, your aura lies! This moment will mark the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Embarrassed, Billy’s pants darken as his previous beers are also finding a way out.
Jenny notices: It’s Kismet! Yes! Take me now!
Billy (confused and inebriated, looking at his pants): Huh? (slowly looks up) Where’s Kismet?
Jenny: In my arms, Einstein.
Billy (staring): I love you.
A wet dish rag flies smacking Billy’s face.
Counterman (OS): Clean up your mess, pal.
-
INT. CHARLES’ BEDROOM – NIGHT
After meeting each other on meatmarket.com, two damaged individuals are playing games of sexual manipulation to see who is in charge. CHARLES, 26, believes he is the smartest and best-looking person on the planet. Most people find him a tad on the egotistical side. ANNA, 29, suffers from the incurable mental disorder of narcissism. She is cunning, and attractive, and displays plenty of cleavage to lure unsuspecting prey.
ANNA
I know how we can kick things off. I just happen to have some very sexy lingerie in my bag, and I wonder how it would look on you.
CHARLES
No way! If you think I am going to put that stuff on, you’re crazy.
ANNA
You mean you have never tried on some hot women’s undies? I find that hard to believe. I thought you were a player.
CHARLES
Are you saying a lot of guys do that?
ANNA
Of course, I once was on a cruise ship and all the men had to wear their partners’ sexy underwear and parade around the deck. It was hysterical. Everyone had a riot.
CHARLES
I don’t know. I don’t see myself as a crossdresser.
ANNA
Oh, do it for me, baby. I just want to see your good looks in some hot lace. It is such a turn-on.
CHARLES
Well, I never thought of it like that. OK, give me a few minutes while I slip into some more comfortable.
In the bathroom, Charles changes into a matching bra and panties set and wonders how manly he is while flexing muscles and checking out his physique in the mirror.
CHARLES
(shaking his head)
Talk about getting in touch with your feminine side.
He walks out wearing towels around his body.
ANNA
OK, hot stuff. Start flinging around those towels and show me the goods. I’m starting to get super hot.
Charles starts to do a little dance while losing the laundry. She turns on a radio playing top 40 hits.
ANNA
Wow, I would never have thought a man could look so good in women’s undies. Hey baby, you could be a runway model! Try on this pair of size 13 high heels.
CHARLES
I do feel kind of sexy. How does my ass look?
ANNA
Marvelous. I just remembered I happen to have my 35-millimeter digital camera in my bag.
She snaps pictures of him parading back and forth. She incites him to get into his modeling,
ANNA
Work it, work it. Oh, yeah. You are so smoking hot. These pics are definitely going viral. People will be roaring at these pics all around the planet. I will make a fortune on social media.
Charles is now in full modeling mode shaking his booty to the music.
CHARLES
I am really getting into this. I must look fantastic.
ANNA
(she snickers)
Oh, you do totally. I just had a fantastic idea. How about going to the karaoke bar and showing everyone your act?
CHARLES
I don’t know if I am up for that.
ANNA
It would be great. You will feel so liberated and free as a person.
CHARLES
I guess so. OK, let’s do it. I feel like I am a member of the Village People. YMCA, YMCA.
INT. KARAOKE BAR – NIGHT
In a packed club, Charles sits at a table sporting a plush plaid maroon kimono robe while watching the contestants on stage attempting to carry a tune. Anna sits next to him, with a fiendish smile, tossing back shots of upscale Russian Vodka from a bottle.
ANNA
I am so proud of you for finally agreeing to shave your legs, and chest hair, and slipping on a pair of nylons with garters.
CHARLES
This whole thing has made me feel a little tingly down there if you know what I mean. Do you think I need a woman’s wig?
An idiot is on stage singing like a dog howling at the moon. The audience is in full boo mode.
ANNA
You look tingly all over baby. You don’t need a wig, that military buzz cut is so manly. Do a couple of more shots, you are up right after this no-talent clown.
CHARLES
I just don’t know when I have ever been this nervous.
He slams two quick shots followed by a head-shiver chaser.
CHARLES
That one really burned. I think I am ready to perform my act. What is the name of the song you chose for me?
ANNA
It’s called “I Am Woman” by Helen Reddy. Don’t worry about the title, she was a real bra burner, definitely not your type.
CHARLES
Why would she do that?
ANNA
It was just after the wild 60s when the young people thought they were changing the world and becoming free. They felt if they dropped out, doped up, and had a love in, everything would be great.
CHARLES
Did it happen?
ANNA
No chance. They all got addicted to everything, and I mean everything. Drugs, sex, paganism, you name it. In reality, they didn’t get free of anything.
CHARLES
So why did Helen burn her bra?
ANNA
She was trying to be free of some made-up stereotype. It was a very confusing time with no logic and tons of baloney everywhere. It was similar to today’s nonstop bull crap.
CHARLES
Well if it’s any consolation, I have no intention of burning your bra, Anna.
ANNA
(rolling her eyes)
Thanks, Charley, that is so touching.
The emcee walks to the microphone on stage and attempts to restore order.
EMCEE
OK, folks let’s settle down. I know the last contestant was not the greatest singer… but now for a complete change of pace… Here is Charles singing… really?… I Am Woman. OK, take it away Charles.
Charles takes the stage as the song begins to play, and lets his robe drop to reveal his feminine attire. The crowd explodes into raucous laughter. Anna has placed a Go Pro HD video camera on a mini tripod on the table and is snapping pictures with her digital camera nonstop. Holding a page with the lyrics, he begins to sing with the music.
CHARLES
I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
The crowd’s laughter sounds like thunder.
CHARLES
And I know too much to go back an’ pretend
‘Cause I’ve heard it all before
I am strong
AUDIENCE
Strong
CHARLES
I am invincible
AUDIENCE
Invincible
CHARLES
I am woman
The crowd gives him a standing ovation as he finishes the song. Anna looks extremely angry.
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