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When I reread my outline, my first ten pages seemed like the worst so I walked around Manhattan in the sun today along the river looking at the homeless and the rich joggers and reimagined it. I must pretend I am the DP since I lack visual skills.
1)EXT. SUMMIT – GARDEN ROOF- SUNRISE
IBRAHIM AL HARBI and his ten year old son OMAR finish the Muslim prayers as the sun rises behind the crowded skyline of Long Island City. The 40 story UES high rise has gorgeous gardens, solar panels, and an elegant swimming pool with 360 degree views of Manhattan. [Setup]2) INT. SUMMIT PENTHOUSE – DAY
Ibrahim and Omar join SANDRINE, his wife, CORAL and DELPHINE the other triplets, and KISELE FELDMAN, also ten years old as they do online education. Ibrahim says goodbye in French after a discussion about virtual versus in-person boat building.
SERIES OF SHOTS:
He puts on an N95 mask, takes the elevator, gets his car out of the garage and gets on the FDR.3) EXT. IBRAHIM’s CAR – DAY
Ibrahim picks up Boat Bob, quickly transformed from a homeless man camping out by the East River Esplanade to a clean, sixty-year-old hiker with a big backpack. They drive up the FDR, past the hospital for the criminally insane on Randall’s Island and head west to the George Washington Bridge.4) EXT. GW BRIDGE – DAY
Looking at the signs and the net, they discuss suicide. Traffic is slow so they watch trainer JAKE LA ROCHE jog across the bridge with a client. Jake pockets a small sharp basalt rock from the Palisades cliffs. [Setup.] They wave but he is jogging back to Manhattan.5) EXT. PALISADES – DAY
Ibrahim and BB pick up LITONYA LENAPE, a geologist at the Earth Observatory. Litonya wonders why Ibrahim and BB are already vaccinated because the trials barely started. She says she was released from jail early after 7 years because of COVID. She is not reformed—she would kill her fracking father again.3) EXT. SOLAR HOUSE – DAY
They drop Litonya off at her solar house on Huguenot Street so she can prepare her dissertation defense for her PhD in geology.[Setup]4) EXT. COLONIAL – DAY
Ibrahim leaves BB at the Colonial garage, a huge house with antique cars where he will help Kisele and the kids design eco boats.5) INT. TUDOR MANSION – EVENING
Ibrahim finishes his day alone in the Green Room of his home on Huguenot St. with Muslim prayers. Out his window he sees Jake covered in turquoise paint.6) EXT.TURQUOISE CHURCH – DAY
Jake is painting a pink church turquoise to turn it into a virtual fitness studio. Since he is covered in paint, BB helps him clean. FADMA and MINA pass by, Ibrahim’s former wife and daughter. We learn that four of Ibrahim’s kids have Jake’s sperm. [Setup]7) INT. LA ROCHE STONE HOUSE – DAY
Jake makes and serves lunch to JEAN LA ROCHE, his dad and a history professor locked in with ALS. His mom, DR. JOAN LA ROCHE stops by on her way to work.8)INT. NEW PALTZ MEDICAL CENTER – DAY
Dr. Joan tests positive for COVID.9)INT. LA ROCHE STONE HOUSE – DAY
BB is obsessively cleaning the mansion in preparation for her quarantine. Jake and Joan arrive. Jake morphs into a caretaker for parents.10)INT. CPR OFFICE -DAY
Jake wears masks and goggles as he practices CPR on dummies. JOE, BB’s adopted son, helps. Then he puts on his firefighter uniform. BB enters and he and Joe talk about boxing their first loves. FLASHBACK to the funeral of Joe’s first boxing coach in the New Paltz cemetery who died of Alzheimer’s. Terrible disease.11)EXT. LAWN OUTSIDE COLONIAL MANSION – EVENING
During the Feldman’s super spreader academic event, BB sprays his sanitizer, secretly laced with COVID. [Setup]12)INT. FELDMAN’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
As they have sex on their waterbed, JEN and ELIOT FELDMAN code. Jake and Rodney rush in to perform CPR. Then Joe arrives with two stretchers. Since they are obese it takes all their strength to get them in the ambulance.13) INT. HOSPITAL—NIGHT
The Feldmans are DOA. Rodney is detained for testing positive for COVID, low oxygen saturation and fever, but Jake and Joe go home. Rodney dies that night of a cytokine fire.14) EXT. NEW PALTZ CEMETERY – DAY A service is held for Jen, Eliot, and Rodney. Litonya, Jake, and Kisele stay longer at Rodney’s grave and leave together. BB is immaculately dressed as part of the morticians’ team. Inciting Incident.
15) INT. COLONIAL MANSION
A series of shots inside shows BB cleaning and doing construction for the Feldman relatives, Lana, Keith, and Norm, filthy homeless rejects from Manhattan. This montage ends with Lana coding from COVID on the toilet from BB’s squirter but also because she was anti-vax. Jake and Joe enter but it is too late for CPR because rigor mortis has set in.16) INT. BOXING STUDIO – DAY
Joe tries to get his long haul COVID wife CS, Cheering Spear, back into ring shape but it isn’t working. BB and Jake offer suggestions since they are all recovered. [Setup]12) EXT. SUMMIT ROOF – EVENING
Jake is training clients, including Ibrahim. As NIGHT approaches, Jake leaves and BB slips in for a secret discussion and an exchange of goods and services. BB’s eyes light up as he tests a sanitizer secretly filled with condensed COVID.13)EXT. OUTDOOR RESTAURANT – NIGHT
BB drops a match on the wood bungalow that instantly blows up, burning SENIORS in a nearby tenement in NYC’s UES. Then he sprays the sanitizer on others in the Plexiglas cubicles.19) EXT. SUMMIT HIGH RISE – DAY
BB and others watch as Hurricane Ida pummels the East River and the Summit pancakes down.
A SERIES OF SHOTS
The pile transforms for search and rescue. BB and Joe are working hard. Remains of OMAR and SANDRINE, Ibrahim’s wife and daughter are found.[Payoff]20) EXT. NEW PALTZ CEMETERY – DAY
A Muslim service for Omar and Sandrine. Everyone is there but Ibrahim is hollow, silent, devastated by this loss. He can’t trust God anymore. Fate versus human will. BB helped prepare the corpses because they were too burnt for Ibrahim to look.21) INT. TUDOR MANSION – DAY
Ibrahim meets BB in his office. Papers are exchanged.
A SERIES OF SHOTS
as his home is transformed into a modern art gallery with the return of Fadma, his former wife, and their daughter Mina, also an artist. This time he doesn’t protest. He works harder. Litonya and Jake pass by with their new baby Jesse, all theirs. Ibrahim is cold to them, out of character. He has an argument with CS his financial advisor still recovering from long haul COVID. Joe picks her up. BB enters the back way and they have an argument about CS. Ibrahim says CS knows too much.22) EXT. GARAGE – DAY
BB is designing a deluxe boat for Ibrahim with expert architects. He also toys with the last antique car, fixing the brakes.FLASHBACK
EXT. CAR – DAWN
Leo putters with a car fixing brakes.23) A SERIES OF SHOTS Beginning of Plot Point One
His wife NATALIA crashes the car on a snowy road. It blows up killing her.
Leo lovingly prepares her body for burial.
Leo lustfully satisfies himself after hours.
People come and cry, especially his handsome adopted son JOE.
Leo and his son JOE go to the funeral of Floyd Patterson at the same New Paltz cemetery.
Leo watches him box in his boxing conditioning studio as beautiful girls watch.24) EXT. SOLAR HOUSE – DAY
The antique car blows up in the driveway instantly killing Norm and Keith. CS, Joe’s wife, runs out and passes out from flames. SIRENS scream and Joe arrives to pick up CS, but the geothermal basement explodes, killing him and demolishing the house. [Payoff]25) EXT. CHURCH CEMETERY – NIGHT
Ibrahim and BB are screaming at each other. Then BB is left alone crying at Joe’s grave.DREAM to NIGHTMARE of his Bobby/Leo/BB’s past as a serial killer rapist. BABY IN WOMB rocking blissfully. Forceps violently pull him out of the womb into the tomb.
INT. FUNERAL PARLOR- DAY
Bobby’s right eye is made of glass as he beautifies the corpse. His right hand slips under the table as his shoulder vibrates him to an ecstatic explosion.EXT. CLIMBING PITCH – DAY
Bobby has transformed into smiling LEO, the hospitality guy, selling food and drink to BEAUTIFUL BUFF CLIMBERS, especially Litonya Lenape, the top climber and a geology prof at the college. SCREAMS as gorgeous climbers collapse on the ground. Leo/Bobby mounts them, then hides the evidence. [Payoff]26) INT. TUDOR TOWER – NIGHT
Ibrahim and BB are consulting in his new office overlooking Fort Washington Park. There are vials for neurodegenerative diseases. BB talks about sex reassignment. He would be more potent as a hit woman. Ibrahim must be convinced.27) INT. HOSPITAL – DAY
A SERIES OF SHOTS in various hospital rooms as BB slowly emerges as Betty, a sixty-something woman. Plot Point One28) INT. COLONIAL MANSION – DAY
Betty cooks as well as cleans for Jake, Litonya, Kisele, and their little ones, Aanadi, his granddaughter, and Jesse, their newborn. Betty’s first transformation is to develop a sense of humor and domesticity.29) INT. LA ROCHE STONE MANSION – DAY
But Jake is no longer laughing because his dad is locked in with ALS and his mom is locked out with Alzheimer’s and he is desperate for something to help them. Betty occasionally helps out because she is stronger than most women. It takes both Jake and BB to bring his mom back from the woods. [Setup]30) EXT. WOODS – NIGHT
Betty goes for a moonlit canoe ride and is raped by the banks of the Wallkill the way he did it as Leo years ago. FLASHBACK to Leo’s rapes and murders where cadavers disintegrated into nature. But her body is only raped, not murdered, and she has no idea who the masked gang was. Ironically, she feels more empowered, but her perpetrators run away scared because of her unexpected reaction.31)EXT. NEW PALTZ MAIN STREET – DAY
Betty struts through the street a bit like Priceless did years ago after he as Leo tried to rape her. If a victim isn’t scared, the perpetrator sometimes gets impotent. FLASHBACK to Priceless dancing in Muddy Mansion and the younger Leo tying her up near the French church.32} INT. LA ROCHE STONE HOUSE – DAY
Betty and Jake care for Jean and Joan La Roche, seriously disabled by ALS and Alzheimer’s. They discuss the past. Jake says that human flaws must be forgiven. What we need now is cures for human diseases since wellness only goes so far. But Jake is blocking Betty on one level because he knows too much about his past.33) EXT. IBRAHIM’S BOAT – DAY
Betty sails down the Hudson venturing into a secret lab with masked scientists looking as anonymous as the men who raped her. Ibrahim consults with them on the brain buffet. We see huge screens with radiographs. Delphine, one of his daughters, is a brain scientist.34) EXT. TUDOR TOWER
Ibrahim and Betty discuss STEMGARCHS on the nose and with subtext. He shows him a stash of drugs in the closet.35) INT. HOSPITAL – DAY Midpoint
This time Betty’s surgery is on her brain. Then she is given a precious vial of drugs called the Bright Space Brain Buffet. A FEW MONTHS LATER. She reads more quickly and holds a zoom conference talking faster and with bigger words than ever before like a STEM college student.36) INT. LA ROCHE STONE MANSION – NIGHT
Jake is helping his father, Jean, pass on to a better place with a massage. Tapes of former history lectures are playing. Betty helps take out the corpse.37) EXT. CHURCH CEMETERY – DAY
Jean La Roche’s service is attended by townspeople, the kids, Litonya, and Jake but there is no sign of Ibrahim. His wife, doctor Joan, Jake’s mom, is so beset by Alzheimer’s she doesn’t realize her husband has died. Betty is even better at mortuary duties, a woman of all trades. After the service, Jake pleads with Betty to find out about Ibrahim’s research because he heard Delphine talking about it with Coral and Kisele.38) INT TURQUOISE CHURCH GYM – DAY
Jake loses his balance and drops weights because of his tremor as he works out with Coral, Delphine, Kisele et al. He hears more from the kids about Ibrahim’s research because they are also computer experts. He says he may have Parkinson’s and is desperate to find cures for him and his mom.39) EXT. PALISADES – DAY
Litonya and Jake are walking along the cliffs to the boat where Betty and the kids are working. Litonya has pulmonary fibrosis with that horrible chest cough. They discuss the physiology of getting rid of the plaques and clots that make humans miserable, especially in old age. She isn’t afraid of aging. She is more committed to the EE Company and saving the planet. She feels she will be recycled like rocks but is Jake still a Christian?40) INT. TUDOR TOWER – NIGHT
Ibrahim and Betty have successfully turned back time with their secret brain buffet. Ibrahim says that the STEMGARCHS control the distribution and we cannot give it to anyone. Our mission is to get rid of as many people as possible. They have an argument over who is entitled but Betty backs down because she is now a submissive woman or so she says.41) INT. NEW PALTZ LIBRARY Years Later Beginning of Plot Point Two Uncovering Bobby/Leo/BB/Betty’s secrets
Jesse is taking an interest in history, after his late grandfather Jean La Roche, and is intrigued by the unsolved crimes in the area, more cadavers and disappearances to which perpetrators are not attached.
SERIES OF SHOTS
For Haunted Huguenot Street, Jesse attends all the events, talks to people of all ages, pores through books, and tries to uncover what happened years ago. He has a hunch that BB might be connected because of his arrest for assault and the way he or she is now. He finds a way to hypnotize Betty with the help of Aanadi, a yoga/meditation/hypnosis expert. The screams, details, visions, nightmares, and actions make them think Leo might have been the killer. The kids are good actors and follow Betty around, making notes. Delphine pretends it is a play they are rehearsing for a ship performance.42)FLASHBACK to Leo’s time in jail for assault, a short one because he was a model prisoner, always cleaning.
43) EXT. EAST RIVER ESPLANADE – NIGHT Plot Point Two
Betty is raped by a gang like the gang who beat her up as teenage boy and wiped out his right eye. FLASHBACK to the bloody eye and ZOOM BACK to the present glass eye.44)EXT. BOAT – DAY
Delphine nurses Betty’s bruises but as the gang tries to attack her, she throws them overboard into the river with Betty’s help. Betty has too much strength and power for a woman in her eighties and Delphine wants to know why.45) INT. LA ROCHE STONE MANSION – DAY
Jake pleads with Betty for at least the Alzheimer’s drug to get the sticky glue out of his mother Joan’s brain. Betty feigns ignorance because she is just a cook. They struggle with Joan and eventually she trips and falls because Betty secretly arranged the carpet that way. Her Living Will says DNI, DNR, no antibiotics, so Jake must refrain from giving her CPR.46) EXT. CHURCH CEMETERY – DAY
Joan is laid to rest beside her husband Jean, but their son Jake will not rest. His Parkinson’s is worse, and he is terrified it will progress to Lewy Body dementia. His wife Litonya coughs so badly she cannot run and hike the way she did. They need and deserve that brain buffet. But Betty didn’t come to this funeral for the first time. Where is she?47) INT. LA ROCHE LIBRARY – DAY
Litonya and Jake consult with Jesse, Aanadi, Kisele, Coral, and Delphine about Betty and the brain buffet. Arguments erupt about nature, nurture, and how far humans can go with science.48) EXT. BOAT – NIGHT Crisis
Jake confronts Betty with his crimes as Leo. At first, she denies, but as the proof mounts, Jake hits her with a barrage of evidence. She then confesses to the COVID murders, the tenement and outdoor restaurant torches, and other non-sexual crimes. Jake makes a deal for secrecy in exchange for the precious drugs that Ibrahim will not give him, always pretending to be powerless. Why would Betty confess?49) INT. TUDOR TOWER – NIGHT Climax
Betty cooks a delicious Mediterranean meal. Ibrahim sits by the fire overlooking the Hudson River, a little sleepier than usual. He is depressed because he lost his position as CEO and billions of dollars. He has the last supply of Brain Buffet drugs. Betty talks on the phone to Jake. The food is carefully poisoned. As they sit down to eat, Betty tries to give Ibrahim the poisoned part, but Ibrahim wants to share everything. Torn between a possible death with him now or exposure of her past crimes and imprisonment, Betty chooses the former, but eats more slowly.TIME SLOWS DOWN.
Ibrahim sinks forever into his sofa, so they think. Betty wobbles to the door opening for Jake and the kids who run in and up to Ibrahim’s office to get the secret drugs. Suddenly Ibrahim awakes and takes a weapon out of his pocket for a final, dramatic struggle that he loses when Jake is forced to finish him off. Jake takes the drugs right away, but Litonya refuses. She has more confidence in natural processes. Betty is delirious. Nothing can save her.
50) EXT. INWOOD COVE – NIGHT
Jake, Litonya, and the kids put Betty on her boat as her lights are going out. She gently rocks herself to death.FLASHBACK to a shot of Bobby rocking in the womb.
Conclusion Fate marries Will.
51) EXT. HUDSON RIVER – DAY
Jake and the kids get on their boat and sail to the Palisades. Jake greedily gobbles the Bright Space Brain Buffet to improve his PD, but Litonya refuses to take man-made or woman-made drugs and prefers to die naturally. She falls rock climbing during an earthquake at age 85. Jake dies with her as he tries to help. Magma rocks slide into the Hudson as the rock cycle continues. We transform to survive. We transform as we die.
FINIS
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Rob Bertrand Pass 9: Flag Scenes to Elevate
What I learned: This pass really helped me improve my ending and gave me an idea for a wonderful payoff.
Flagged for an Update:
Scene 1 – Updated Jessica’s age to make it more important for Annie to protect her. Added set up that Jack has a drinking problem.
Scene 2. – Moved Jack’s intolerant comment about gay marriage from scene 3, to scene 2. This gives Annie a reason to be distracted.
Scene 7 – Jocelyn offers to watch Jessica, but she can’t be out too late.
Scene 8 – Expanded with more detail about Annie’s and Danny’s date. Added Scene 9-10.
Scene 15 – Added a Set Up: “Monster’s aren’t real.”
Scene 33 – Improved the scare.
Scene 35 – Changed bloody message to better tie into Annie’s guilt over her mom’s death.
Scene 38 – Added emotional weight to the argument.
Scene 54 – Added how Annie tricks Danny with the axe. Added Jack getting his hand severed.
Scene 56 – Added payoff – Annie has to drive her dad to the hospital and overcome her fear of driving.
Current Outline: 10/16/21
Opening: Annie Andrews drives her drunk parents’ home from a wedding and is involved in a serious accident. Nora Andrews (mom) dies on the scene. At the funeral reception, Annie is embarrassed by her father’s intolerant comments about gay people. She’s struggling with her own sexuality.
EXT. WEDDING VENUE – DUSK
Jack and Nora Andrews attend a wedding with their daughters Annie, 16 and Jessica, 8. Mom and Dad have a little too much to drink. Nora is upset, because Jack was supposed to stay sober. Annie is handed the keys.
INT. ANDREWS CAR – NIGHT
While driving home, Annie and Jack get in an argument. Jack makes an intolerant comment about gay marriage. Distracted, Annie runs a stop sign and the family is broadsided by another vehicle. Nora dies on the scene.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
At the funeral reception, Annie is angered by her drunk father, when she overhears him tell someone that if he hadn’t let Annie drive, that Nora would still be alive. We are introduced to the friendly elderly neighbors.
Inciting Incident: It’s the day of Annie’s big date, but she doesn’t want to go.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – DAY
Jocelyn does Annie’s makeup and gives her a pep talk for her date with Danny. Jocelyn confesses that she broke up with her boyfriend and is a bit jealous of Annie’s date. We learn that Danny and Annie have been talking online for a few weeks. Annie sends her sister Jessica to wake up their dad, for work.
INT. FATHER’S ROOM – DAY
Jessica enters to wake her father for work and discovers he fell asleep clutching mom’s wedding dress while watching his wedding video. Empty liquor bottles litter the floor.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – DAY
Jack pokes his head in to say goodbye before leaving for work. He won’t be home till 5 a.m. He remembers that Annie has that “thing.” He think’s getting out of the house and socializing is a good thing. Annie asks when she can get her driver’s license. Jack doesn’t think she’s ready. The conversation ends with an argument. Jack is saved by the doorbell.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
Annie answers the door and is thrown off. Danny looks nothing like how he described himself. Instead of blonde and athletic, he has greasy black hair and is super skinny. He’s sloppily dressed in dirty clothes. Jack meets Danny and is concerned about who will watch Jessica. Jocelyn offers to stay with Jessica as long as Annie is home by 8pm. Jocelyn and Jessica decide to follow Annie from a distance.
EXT. COUNTY FAIR – NIGHT
The date with Danny is awkward and uncomfortable. Danny wants to know everything about Annie’s dead mother. Danny thinks a mother is the heart of a family.
EXT. FERRIS WHEEL – COUNTY FAIR – NIGHT
Danny and Annie ride the Ferris wheel. Annie admits that she sometimes thinks the wrong parent died. Danny tries to kiss Annie. Repulsed, Annie rejects Danny, who doesn’t take it well. Annie texts Jocelyn that she needs to bail. Jocelyn texts back where to meet.
EXT. BATHROOMS – COUNTY FAIR – NIGHT
Annie tells Danny that she’ll be right back. She enters the restroom, then exits the opposite side, where she meets Jocelyn and Jessica. They disappear into the crowd.
EXT. RESTROOMS – COUNTY FAIR – NIGHT
Danny grows impatient for Annie. He asks a stranger if she saw Annie inside and they shake their head. Danny shouts into the lady’s restroom for Annie. No response.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Jessica wants to watch a scary movie and begs until Annie says yes. The phone rings off the hook, but Annie doesn’t answer. She knows it’s Danny. Out of frustration, Jessica answers and hands to the phone to Annie. Annie politely tells Danny that she doesn’t want to be friends. Danny is deeply hurt.
INT. JESSICA’S ROOM – NIGHT
Annie tucks Jessica into bed.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
Annie enters her room and finds her window open. She doesn’t remember opening it. Jessica screams from her bedroom.
INT. JESSICA’S ROOM – NIGHT
Annie rushes in. Jessica tells her there’s a monster in the closet. Annie blames it on the scary movie. She checks the closet, but nothings in there. Annie explains that monsters aren’t real.
By Page 10, you know what the movie is about: Annie tells her father that she’s think’s Danny is creepy and doesn’t want anything to do with him. Jessica tells her father that the house is haunted.
INT. KITCHEN – MORNING
Jack stumbles in from work, as Jessica and Annie eat cereal. Frank asks how the date went. Annie tells him about Danny. Jessica thinks the house is haunted. Frank tells them to clean their dishes before they leave for school and no more scary movies.
First Turning Point, End of Act 1: Jack tells Danny to stay away.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
Jack answers the front door and finds Danny, wearing the same clothes as yesterday, on the porch. Jack tells Danny to stay away from his daughter. Danny tells Jack that Annie was right, it should have been him that died.
EXT. ANDREWS HOUSE – DAY
Annie and Jessica arrive home from school. Jack left a note, he picked up a shift and won’t be home till late. Money for a pizza on the fridge.
INT. KITCHEN – DAY
Annie finds a bowl of half-eaten cereal on the counter and gets on Jessica’s case for not cleaning up after herself. Annie doesn’t want to be Jessica’s mom. Jessica swears she put the bowl away. There’s no money on the fridge.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – DAY
Annie finds her bedroom window open again.
Mid-Point: After several occurrences of phantom voices, furniture moving around and unexplained footsteps, Annie and Jessica become convinced the house is haunted by their mother. Annie performs a séance with her little sister and Jocelyn, in hopes of finding closure with their dead mother. The girls are busted by Jack, who’s drunk and upset over what he considers witchcraft.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
As Jessica and Annie eat ramen, they hear the sound of heavy furniture moving upstairs. Annie sets down the TV remote and the girls cautiously head upstairs to investigate. Jessica provides some comic relief.
INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY – NIGHT
Annie peeks into each room, flipping on lights as they go. Jessica’s imagination runs wild. From downstairs, the TV volume goes full blast. The girl’s scream.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica run down stairs. The remote is missing. They search frantically for it, but it’s nowhere to be found. Annie finds the volume button on the TV and turns it down. The remote control flies out of the kitchen and explodes against the wall. Annie smells her mother’s perfume.
INT. LIVING ROOM – MORNING
Jack gets home from work and is pounced on by his daughters. They talk over each other, explaining the creepy phenomenon. Jack thinks they’re pulling pranks. Jack doesn’t want them watching scary movies anymore.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL – DAY
Annie, Jessica and Jocelyn walk home from school. Jessica tells Jocelyn about the creepy things happening around their house. Jocelyn asks if it could be their mom. Jessica freaks out. Annie tells her to shut up. Jocelyn wants to do a séance.
INT. BASEMENT – ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Annie, Jessica, Jocelyn and their flamboyant friend Robert, sit around a makeshift altar. Robert leads them in a self-taught séance. There’s a hint of flirtation between Annie and Jocelyn. Robert begins receiving answers to his questions in the form of knocks. The spirit knocks confirm that it’s the ghost of Nora Andrews. When asked if the spirit blames Annie for the death of Nora the spirit replies yes. They are interrupted by Jack, who’s a bit drunk. He’s furious at them for playing around with devil worship. Annie and Jack have an emotional fight. Jack accuses her friends of drinking all his beer. Annie admits she thinks the wrong parent died.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
Jocelyn consoles Annie, who’s upset that her mom blames her for her death. Annie thinks her father hates her.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – MORNING
Annie and Jocelyn share the bed. Annie watches Jocelyn sleep. Jocelyn wakes and they share their first kiss. They are interrupted by pounding on the wall. Jocelyn has to leave. From the hallway, the sound of Jocelyn falling down the stairs. Annie rushes to see what happened.
INT. LIVING ROOM – MORNING
Annie finds Jocelyn in a heap at the bottom of the stairs. Her arms are broken.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – MORNING
Paramedics load Jocelyn into the back of an ambulance, as she mutters about being pushed from behind. Annie has an argument with her father.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Jocelyn’s parents argue with Jack in the hallway, as Annie steps inside the room. Jocelyn doesn’t remember what happened. She only remembers the feeling of being pushed.
INT. JACK’S TRUCK – DAY
It’s a tense ride home. Annie texts Jocelyn, but it goes unread.
Second Turning Point, End of Act 2: The paranormal activity increases when Annie and Jessica discover a threatening bloody message on the wall. After the police investigate and discover it was written in Ketchup, Annie is accused of faking it.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – EVENING
Jack pokes his head in to say goodbye. Annie doesn’t speak to him. She watches out the window as Jack backs out of the driveway. She’s distracted by the sound of whispering and tracks it to a wall. Annie places an ear against the wall and is startled by loud pounding from behind the wall. She screams at the spirit to go away. The knocking intensifies, then stops. Jessica runs in, scared by the noise.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie, armed with a kitchen knife and Jessica, armed with her father’s baseball bat, sit together on the couch. A mindless reality show plays, but no one is paying attention. They’re senses alert for trouble. Suddenly, noises from the basement.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica, investigate the basement and discover a message written in blood. “It’s your fault!” Suddenly the freezer moves towards them.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOME – NIGHT
The sisters flee the house and head to the elderly neighbors we met at the funeral reception.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
Police search the house, but there’s no sign of anyone. A cop tells Jack that the message was written in ketchup and that the girls must be acting out for attention. Jack is furious.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Jack and Annie have a brutal argument. Jack understands that Annie’s in pain, but he lost her too. Jack says he has to live everyday with…Annie cuts him off, “With the girl that killed her?“. The argument ends with Annie wishing her father was dead.
Crisis: After a period of calm, Annie discovers another bloody message and is attacked by an unseen presence. Annie and her sister run to the neighbors. Annie’s father investigates the house, but disappears after seeing the “Woman in White.”
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – VARIOUS
Montage – Annie secludes herself in her room as the season changes from Fall to Winter.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL – DAY
Annie sits with Robert, eating lunch. She waves at Jocelyn, but it’s not reciprocated. Robert asks about the house and Annie reveals that it’s been quiet lately.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – DAY
Annie enters her room, to find her window open again.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
Annie video chats with Jocelyn. Jocelyn explains that she can’t see Annie anymore because she’s getting back together with her boyfriend. It’s what her parents want. Jocelyn sees movement behind Annie. Annie ends the video chat and has an emotional breakdown.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Jessica watches TV on the couch. She’s startled by loud scream from inside the wall.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM
Jessica bursts in, scaring Annie and Jocelyn half to death. Jocelyn has to go. A voice screams Annie’s name from downstairs. Annie, arms herself with a knife she hid on her desk.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica ease their way down the stairs, searching for the signs of trouble. They search the living, but nothing is there. Suddenly, a crash from Annie’s room.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
The room looks like a tornado hit it. The bed and furniture have been toppled. Clothes and knickknacks have been thrown everywhere. On the wall is written: “Be with me…” One by one, pictures frames hung on the wall fly off the shelf, nail and all.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica run down the stairs, as pictures fly off the living room wall. A cross slowly spins upside down. Annie pulls Jessica out the door.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
The sister’s run to the safety of the neighbors.
Climax: Annie discovers Danny, wearing a blonde wig and wearing her mother’s wedding dress, holding an axe to her dad’s throat. Danny has been living in the walls, faking the paranormal activity. He’s become obsessed with Annie and wants Annie to choose between him and her father. Annie overcomes her fear, tricks Danny and rescues her father. Police later find Danny hiding in a secret crawlspace. He’s been hiding there for months.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – LATER
Jack’s truck skids to a stop in front of the house. The elderly Neighbor greets him in the drive way. The neighbor says he looked around, but everything seemed normal. He didn’t call the cops.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Jack enters the house, only to discover the house is completely wrecked. Every light has been shattered. He’s drawn to the sound of static coming from upstairs.
INT. JACK’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Jack opens the door slowly to reveal a message on the wall that reads: “Marry me!” There’s a quick flash of what appears to be Nora in her wedding dress. Jack is knocked out from behind.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Annie grows impatient. She heads inside her house to find her father.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie enters slowly, sizing up the mess. There’s no sign of her father. From upstairs, the sound of wedding music.
INT. JACK’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Annie finds her father, tied to a chair. Blood pouring from an open wound on his head. A shape stands behind Jack. It’s revealed to be Danny LaPlante, wearing her mother’s wedding dress and a dirty blonde wig. He’s holding an axe to Jack’s throat. Danny speaks as if he is Annie’s mother. Annie tries to plead with Danny. Danny is giving Annie what she wants. If she kills her father, she can have her mother back. Jack admits that Nora’s death was his fault, not Annie’s. Danny agrees and slams the axe down on Jack’s arm, severing his hand. Annie asks for the axe. It should be her who kills her father. Not Danny. Danny smiles and gives her the axe. Annie hoists the axe above her father’s head. But it’s a trick. Annie embeds the axe deep in Danny’s shoulder. He falls to the ground, screaming in pain. Annie unties her father.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
As the Andrew’s escape the house, Danny watches from the upstairs bedroom window. Annie pulls Jack towards the neighbors, who greet them on the porch. Jack tells them to lock their doors and call the police. The neighbors will keep Jessica safe. Jack tells Annie that she needs to drive him to the hospital. There’s no time to wait for an ambulance. He hands her the keys to his truck.
INT. JACK’S TRUCK – NIGHT
Annie is hesitant to drive. Jack, getting weaker, tells Annie that he believes in her. Annie has no choice and fires up the engine.
INT. JACK’S TRUCK – MOMENTS LATER
Annie weaves through traffic as her father fights to keep his eyes open. Annie yells at him to stay awake.
EXT. EMERGENCY ROOM – HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Annie screeches to a halt and jumps out. She runs inside.
INT. EMERGENCY ROOM – HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Annie, covered in blood, screams for help.
EXT. EMERGENCY ROOM – HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Hospital staff swarm the truck and put Jack on a stretcher. Annie watches in horror.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Police use a dog to search the house. The dog catches a scent and barks at the basement door.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
The search dog barks at the freezer in the corner. Police move the freezer and discover a large hole in the wall. A cop shines a flashlight into the hole and illuminates the face of Danny. He’s completely insane and has been living in the walls for months.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOME – NIGHT
Danny is placed in the back of a squad car.
Resolution: Annie finds the courage to come out to her father, who’s surprisingly supportive. Annie’s father quits drinking and the family moves away.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT
Annie learns that her father is going to live. Annie breaks down with tears of joy.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Jack rests in a hospital bed, with Annie and Jessica by his side. A police detective explains what Danny had been up to.
INT. WALLS – ANDREW’S HOME – VARIOUS
MONTAGE:
Danny slips through Annie’s open window.
Danny discovers the basement crawl space.
Danny watches Annie through a peephole he made.
Danny banging on the walls.
Danny slamming nails with a brick to make picture frames fall.
We see food wrappers and beer bottles filled with urine.
A pile of tissues and a stolen bottle of lotion.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Annie is disgusted. Jack takes her hand and tells her that they will get through this together. The police detective leaves. Annie opens up to Jack and finally comes out to him. Jack is loving and supportive.
EXT. LOCAL CEMETERY – DAY
Annie sets a bouquet of flowers down on Nora’s grave. She’s joined by her father and sister. They embrace, with tears in their eyes.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOME – DAY
A few weeks later, the Andrews watch as movers load a moving truck. The family gives the house one last look before saying goodbye. When it’s time to go, Jack tosses Annie the keys to her first car. She hesitates, then overcomes her fear.
THE END
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Budinscak 9th Pass – Flags Scenes to Elevate
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Reading the outline backwards – scene by scene, word by word – was very useful. I will do this every time.
o The Necessary Questions are a great basis for identifying problems with the script and/or outline.
o This process has tightened up the story, but there’s still work that needs to be done. Fun process.
1. The scenes I flagged were primarily issues with timing and gaps during the trip to Burbank. There’s much ground to cover going cross-country – pun intended – and I tried to be creative with the car scenarios in between the location scenes. Some setups and payoffs were fine tuned.
2. Scenes flagged to improve – I embellished on the location scenes. I changed the introduction of a supporting character as a setup for a flash-forward to present time. To me, a nice segue to pique the reader’s interest and letting them know there’s more to the story.
3. Current Outline:
Opening:
FADE IN:
SUPER: 1986
EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Carmine’s, a restaurant, sits on one end of a large parking lot with a funeral home on the opposite side.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
An extended family dines and chats on a ‘speaker phone’ with two out-of-town sisters. The far wall is covered with pictures from family events held at the restaurant over the years.
TOM, Jack’s brother-in-law drags two boys, PUCK and SAL, to the kitchen where Jack is cooking. Jack can’t hide his natural flair in the kitchen or his contempt for the two boys.
Radio news report on big trial coming up.
EXT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
As he takes out the trash, Jack watches a hearse pull up to the funeral home. Men struggle pulling a body bag from the hearse, it jerks around wildly. Jack turns to leave and takes one step – Me-YOW! – and steps on a cat’s tail. The men by the hearse look over.
EXT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
The back door opens, Jack slides a saucer of milk outside.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
The family eats, drinks and talks about their family – maybe evening having a celebration, a family reunion.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – NIGHT
A limo drives to an open garage bay at the funeral home. A local crime boss, Don Vito, emerges from the back seat.
The men from the hearse approach the Don and motion to Carmine’s. Everyone looks in the direction of the restaurant.
Inciting Incident:
INT. FUNERAL HOME GARAGE – DAY
Don Vito watches two large lackeys flank Jack as they cross the parking lot. An underling asks if he’s going to intimidate Jack, the Don answers no, he’s going to ask Jack for a favor instead.
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
The Don asks Jack to deliver a package for his granddaughter’s gelato competition and it’ll take him where there are new casinos.
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
Jack’s two sisters (Puck and Sal’s mothers) call and confirm that Jack will pick them up at JFK on Tuesday morning. Yes.
They ask how the new business idea is working? Jack proudly turns to a fax machine printing out lunch orders.
By page 10, you know what the movie is about:
To protect his family’s restaurant, Jack agrees to make a long trip to deliver a package for Don Vito, unaware his two young nephews, Puck and Sal, will tag along.
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
In the casket display room, the FH Director is called away by his son. “Don’t touch anything”. Puck follows directions, Sal does not. Sal tricks Puck into getting in an open casket, then Sal shuts the lid – Puck goes bonkers.
INT. FUNERAL HOME GARAGE – DAY
Jack drops his Cadillac off at the funeral home for ‘necessary modifications’ to carry the package. A large cooler is installed in the trunk of Jack’s Caddy. A thermal blanket is tossed in the back seat and covers the floor.
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
Puck is flustered when he spots, Traci (a twin, her sister, Laci) a girl in his class. Sal can’t believe Puck’s in love.
To help his sister who volunteered to watch Puck and Sal while their mothers are out of town, Jack drugs the boys to keep them in line.
Later, Jack meets with his large male friend, CHICK, who brings party favors – drugs – for Jack’s trip. Jack shares his thoughts about his nephews and Puck’s obsession with his backpack.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack adjusts his walkman before he takes off from the funeral home garage. Jack never realizes the drugged and now passed out Puck and Sal are asleep under the blanket on the back floor.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
A MAN wearing a dark suit, thin tie and sunglasses asks for Jack. “Is the owner here?” Cat, “You mean Joe?” “Yeah” “That’s not the owner’s name?” The man turns and leaves.
PUCK VO, “That guy’s FBI.” CAT VO, “FBI?!”
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
PRESENT TIME PUCK AND CAT POINT TO A PICTURE ON THE WALL AND CAT ASKS ABOUT THE ATLANTIC CITY TRIP. “HOW OLD WERE YOU?” “A LOT OLDER THAN WHEN WE STARTED” “JACK NEVER TALKED ABOUT THAT TRIP.” PUCK – “YOU DON’T KNOW, DO YOU?”
Back to 1986
A montage of shots of Jack’s trip to Terre Haute, IN.
First turning point as end of Act 1:
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack wakes up in his car in Terra Haute (IN) and the two boys pop up in the back seat.
EXT. PICNIC GROUNDS – DAY
Jack meets one of his partners-in-crime, Lincoln Clogs, LC, – and Lincoln’s men – in Terra Haute.
EXT. PICNIC GROUNDS – DAY
Puck, Sal, DOC & RICO (LC’s men) race go-carts and go to the shooting gallery. Puck doesn’t know how to hold a gun and Sal makes fun of him.
INT. CALL CENTER – DAY
LC gives Jack a tour of “their” psychic network call center and meets the staff.
INT. OFFICE – DAY
Jack laments about finding his two incorrigible nephews in the car and tries to pawn them off on LC – LC says NFW to the request.
Jack calls in a progress report to DV.
INT. OFFICE – DAY
LC reflects on the tour of the call center with Jack and the boys. He can’t find his handheld tape recorder.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack drives past the bus station – slowly. The boys ask if he’s looking for someone.
EXT. BUS STATION – DAY
The Caddy picks up speed and is gone.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack immediately gets a premonition how poorly this trip will be – he’s pulled over by a state trooper, but smooth talks his way out of trouble.
EXT. DINER PARKING LOT – DAY
They stop by the Platinum Restaurant outside of St Louis, but never go in. A man talks on a payphone in the restaurant parking lot. A box truck idles nearby.
INT. TRUCK – DAY
Jack and the boys pick up a tail – a box truck follows. The truck’s driver has Love and Hate tattooed on his knuckles.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
A game of punch-buggy goes horribly wrong and the boys come to blows in the back seat. Jack ties each boy up with rope and secures them to their ‘own side’ to keep them separated.
EXT. REST AREA – NIGHT
Jack buys snacks for the boys and ice for the cooler. Jack mixes a cocktail for the boys – he drugs them.
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
The nephews sleep, Jack drives like a madman. He spots the same headlights again and again. The headlights remain a constant distance regardless if Jack speeds up or slows down. He thinks he’s being tailed and pulls into the House of Jimmy Truck Stop in Oklahoma.
Mid-point:
INT. TRUCK STOP BATHROOM – NIGHT
Jack averts a crisis when he beats a trucker who had Puck trapped in a bathroom stall.
INT. TRUCK STOP DINING ROOM – NIGHT
The boys have never seen this side of their uncle – and never want to.
When Sal makes a snide comment about their waitress, Jack’s eyes narrow and the boys flinch noticeably.
After they leave, the waitress brags about her special tip – she smiles warmly recalling Jack, Puck and Sal. (The statue of liberty thermometer is her special tip and it’s revealed later).
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
Jack’s angry and the boys reveal they’re terrified of their uncle. Jack contemplates how to best use this new information to his advantage. He practices divide and conquer.
INT. CADILLAC – LATER
Jack drugs the nephews one at a time so as one sleeps, he can get to know the other one.
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
Jack teaches Sal one of his favorite recipes while letting the kid drive the Caddy. Great times for Sal.
EXT. TRAVEL LODGE PARKING LOT – NIGHT
They settle in Albuquerque. Jack constantly checks but doesn’t see anyone following him. He fills up the cooler with ice and goes to his room.
A van slows by the hotel entrance and parks on the street facing the hotel entrance.
INT. VAN – NIGHT
A hooded figure slouches in the driver’s seat. Hate tattooed on the knuckles of his right hand, the one cradling a gun.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Sal sleeps, Jack bonds with Puck. Puck drives and learns about family.
EXT. HIGHWAY – NIGHT
The Caddy cruises down the highway and the nighttime view of Las Vegas comes in focus. Jack’s enthusiasm carries over to the boys.
EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT
No hotel tonight. The Cadillac pulls into a large parking lot and parks in a back corner facing the front.
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
Jack and the boys sleep. A truck pulls in and parks far enough away not to be noticed.
INT. TRUCK – NIGHT
Love and Hate decorate the driver’s knuckles.
EXT. HOTEL ENTRANCE – DAY
Jack’s dirty Cadillac slides up next to its perfectly clean doppelganger, with the mean old occupants.
INT. HOTEL LOBBY – DAY
Jack checks in as the kids take in the sights.
Jack spots a boys clothing store and looks at his nephews. He drags them to the store.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY
Jack buys the boys ‘outfits’ for the day. The boys emulate their uncle getting ready – and dressed just like him.
INT. HOTEL CASINO – DAY
Jack and the nephews take one step in the casino and are tossed. Someone recommends Circus Circus for the kids.
Second turning point at the end of Act 2:
INT. CIRCUS CIRCUS – DAY
Jack loses all his money in the casino, the boys thrive.
INT. SHUTTLE – NIGHT
Jack is pissed as the boys show off their winnings.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
Jack finds out the boys have never seen a woman naked and orders an escort. The boys hide in the closet. The escort drops her dress when there’s a knock at the door – the FBI.
The woman flees as Jack and shaken down by the FBI and forced to be their informant, including wearing a wire.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – LATER
Jack scheduled a date with an old flame, but she gave him a lot of grief for ‘babysitting’ and wanted no part of it, she cancels.
Jack does a shot of tequila from one of the shot glasses the boys won at Circus Circus. He fills up the other two glasses. Jack salutes his nephews first shot of liquor.
EXT. HOTEL PARKING LOT – DAY
Puck and Sal transfer license plates from the doppleganger Caddy while Jack searches for ice for the cooler – he can only find dry ice. He loads it in the cooler in the trunk.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY
Jack calls Don Vito and tells him he may be a little late for the delivery. Don Vito tells Jack lightning will strike Jack’s family’s restaurant, Carmine’s, at 2:01 Monday if he’s not there in time.
EXT. HOTEL PARKING LOT – DAY
The FBI takes off after the wrong Cadillac.
Jack, Sal and Puck wave to the Parking Attendant as they sneak out of the parking lot.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Hands featuring Love and Hate grip the steering wheel. The tow truck follows Jack’s Cadillac.
EXT. PLAINS – DAY
Cowboys ride galloping stallions on the plains next to the road. The boys ask if they can ride horses, just like their favorite actor, Clint Eastwood – a loud NO is the answer.
INT. CADIALLAC TRUNK – DAY
A small leak lets carbon monoxide enter the Cadillac’s interior.
Puck and Sal drop off to sleep first, then Jack.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
The FBI check the license plates before they overtake the Cadillac. They find an elderly couple driving – it’s the wrong Cadillac.
The FBI spots a helicopter idling in an adjacent field. They claim command of the copter and force the pilot to take off.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Through the windshield, the driver watches Jack’s Cadillac veer off the road. It bounces wildly riding half on asphalt, half on the shoulder of the road.
EXT. PLAINS – DAYS
In a dream sequence, Sal and Puck ride galloping stallions.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack and the boys are completely asleep. Through the front window – a major dip in the road, bridge, bad accident about to happen.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
The flatbed tow truck bounces into the Caddy, then cuts in front stopping the car from plunging down the hillside/terrain/riverbank – whatever and a serious accident.
INT. CADILLAC – LATER
Jack wakes to find the tow truck driver pulling him from the Caddy. Jack and the Driver pull Puck and Sal from the Cadillac. Neither boy responds.
EXT. SIDE OF HIGHWAY – DAY
Crisis:
Jack pleads to God to save Puck and Sal and in return, he pledges to turn his life around. As soon as he finishes, Sal moves – Jack immediately recants, but stops.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Jack, the boys and the driver take off with Jack’s dented Cadillac on the flatbed and covered with a tarp. Puck is still knocked out.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
The FBI manned helicopter flies overhead looking for Jack’s Caddy. They don’t realize the car is covered on the tow truck.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Puck wakens, spots the Driver and screams. Uncle Jack calms him down and Sal tells Puck the Driver saved their lives.
EXT. LOS ANGELES – DAY
The tow truck cruises by famous LA landmarks while the boys hang out the windows taking in the views.
Montage of shots for the landmarks
Hollywood sign
Hippies and disco queens alike
Whiskey a Go Go
Bob’s Big Boy
Jack gives Driver directions. Jack was a Yellow Cab driver in LA in a previous life.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Jack directs Driver to the address – the Don’s other brother’s funeral home.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME PARKING LOT – DAY
Climax:
Jack gathers the package from the cooler and hands it to one of the Don’s men, who carries it inside.
The flatbed town truck leaves with the Caddy on it.
INT. FUNERAL HOME LOBBY – DAY
A couple of MEN roam around. Don Vito directs a MAN to take the kids away as he ushers Jack in another room.
CASKET DISPLAY ROOM
Puck pulls the same trick that Sal pulled on him earlier. They bet the MAN he can’t fit in the casket … he does fit, and the boys close and lock him inside. They take his gun.
ARRANGEMENT ROOM
Don Vito confronts Jack about the body bag at the funeral home, Jack claims ignorance as convincing as ever.
Sal walks in and everyone turns to him. He gets everyone’s attention.
CLICK – from the other side of the room, Puck pulls back the hammer on the revolver he’s aiming at Don Vito.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
The FBI’s car speeds into the parking lot before it slides to a halt. Two men jump out and run to the front door.
INT. FUNERAL HOME ARRANGEMENT ROOM – DAY
FBI bust in – and we find out they were in cahoots with Don Vito, but he screwed them over. Lots of yelling and accusations flying about.
Driver quietly walks in and pumps/loads his shotgun. Everyone stops.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
The helicopter the FBI commandeered leads the LAPD into the fray. Police swarm the grounds.
Out the back door, Driver leads Jack, Puck and Sal to the tow truck. They hop in and take off.
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
LAPD filters through the offices and rooms, no one is around.
CASKET DISPLAY ROOM
Police hear muffled yells from all the closed caskets. They open to find Don Vito, his henchmen and the FBI guys. On top of the FBI caskets, a cassette tape with a message, “Jack says play us.” It’s a recording of the FBI’s confession in Las Vegas.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
From the helicopter’s view and the pilot’s narration, we watch LAPD lead numerous handcuffed people to cars. Prominent in the view are the FBI and Don Vito.
Resolution:
EXT. LAX – DAY
Jack and the boys say their goodbyes to Driver. What about the Caddy? It’s yours now. Gotta go.
MONTAGE OF SHOTS
The disheveled trio runs through the airport to their gate.
Jet leaves LAX
Jet lands at JFK
Jack and the boys sleep on a bench near a gate.
INT. JFK GATE – DAY
Jack’s sisters (Puck and Sal’s mothers) spot the three amigos sleeping – they wake them.
INT. LINCOLN CONTINENTAL – DAY
The mothers ask Jack why they’re in a Lincoln and not his Caddy, before he can answer, Puck jumps in.
The mothers notice a change in their boys, they ask Jack and he weaves a tale. The boys vouch for their uncle’s story and add a few nougats of their own.
EXT. CARMINE’S PARKING LOT – DAY
A picture is taken of Jack, Puck and Sal next to the Lincoln Continental.
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
The picture is posted on the wall of pictures in the restaurant.
SPRING FORWARD TO PRESENT TIME
SUPER: TODAY
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
Present day Puck talks with CAT, one of his aunts, about that picture and finishes the true story of the Atlantic City trip.
The idea is to give the illusion everyone is gathered for a somber event, when it’s actually the 30+ year of the family RE-union.
In comes Jack with Puck and Sal’s wives – the twins, Traci and Laci, from the opening scene. Everyone cheers.
EXT. CARMINE’S PARKING LOT – NIGHT
First thing you notice, the funeral home is now “Jack’s Place”.
Everyone in the movie is there having fun. All the aunts and uncles, LC and his group are there, customers are there. Jules performs his Vegas act on a stage.
Driver shows up with Jack’s Cadillac fully restored.
Everyone’s in party mode. Jack, Puck and Sal toast everyone with a shot of Tequila – just like Vegas. Everyone does a shot.
Someone comments about the helluva mess, Jack’s got it.
Driver presents Jack with his keys, Jack shouts, “Who wants to go for a ride?” Puck and Sal’s kids, knockoffs of the fathers at the same age, run up waving their hands. Jack deadpans to the camera
EXT. CARMINE’S PARKING LOT – NIGHT
A cleaning truck pulls up, two MEN get out. One guy picks up a paper bag, pulls out a wad of cash and starts counting.
Jack walks out of the shadows, ‘just like old times.’ The cleaning crew is the two disgraced FBI guys. They start picking up the trash, something the repeatedly said they would never do.
FADE OUT:
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Armand’s Pass 9: Flag Scenes to Elevate
What I learned doing this is… Solving problems in our outline before actually writing the script can help us improve our quality before we even get to writing the screenplay.
“After the massacre, ghost Tyler sees his father ordering to shut down the manor. Tyler wishes he could contact him but he can’t.”
FLAG: We also need to see that Tyler’s ghost cannot leave the manor.
FLAG: Payoff for later is that Tyler’s father is dead, and he never got to apologize.
We need to see early on that Tyler can possess people, like the realtor working with Tyler’s father, but can’t leave the manor when he gets to the gates.
We also want to see Tyler’s love for his Father and his regret. Maybe the realtor, possessed by Tyler, touches his Father.
“Dallas and Lex discover the killer slashed the tires of their vehicle. The killer chases Dallas and Lex.”
FLAG: I don’t like the slashing of the tires.
Maybe they crash the car trying to escape.
“Tyler’s half-brother Charles was jealous of Tyler’s relationship with Maddie and, discovering he also fantasized of killing people, orchestrated the whole massacre and pinned it on the manor’s caretaker Ivan. Charles realizes Tyler is a ghost. Charles realizes he needs to “exorcise” Tyler out of his life once and for all.”
FLAG: Make a stronger connection (SETUP) between Tyler and his half-brother Charles so their supernatural connection as killer/victim makes more sense by the end.
Improved Outline
OPENING
EXT. MANOR – SUNSET
Aerial view of an impressive manor surrounded by the forest.
INT. MANOR – CONT.
Tyler, a privileged and arrogant college kid, has invited a group of friends including his girlfriend Maddie to party at his family’s remote summer manor.
Tyler is getting drunk and avoiding telling his intimidating father that he got kicked out of school for bad grades/missing class.
Tyler argues with his stuck-up half-brother Charles. Charles knows Tyler’ secret, wonders when Tyler will tell Father what happened at school.
Charles tells Tyler he lacks the courage to own up to the consequences of his actions.
Charles leaves the manor. Tyler is upset, but deep down he knows Charles is telling the truth.
The odd-looking, intimidating caretaker Ivan appears and tells Tyler his father is on the phone. The caretaker leaves. Tyler sees Charles driving away as he speaks on the phone nervously with Father.
Tyler has an opportunity to be honest with his father but he doesn’t…
EXT. MANOR – NIGHT
Tyler’s college friends, including Maddie, arrive.
Tyler shows his arrogance by bossing around the mysterious and frightening Ivan in front of his friends, humiliating him. The caretaker stares angrily as the kids enter the manor.
INT. MANOR – CONT.
Maddie wonders why Tyler is acting like that in front of the group, when he is different (nice and caring) when Maddie and him are alone.
INT. MANOR – NIGHT
In slasher-film style: A masked serial killer murders all of Tyler’s friends one by one.
Tyler hides as his friends are murdered, making it second-to-last (with Maddie).
2. THE INCITING INCIDENT
INT. MANOR – NIGHT
Tyler, totally afraid, is killed (while trying to ditch Maddie and save himself) AND Maddie runs away from the serial killer.
Before we know what happens next: Tyler’s soul becomes “cursed” and he turns into a ghost. The manor’s warm, wood tones become grey and ominous as Tyler enters the “after-life.”
3. BY PAGE 10, WE KNOW WHAT THE MOVIE IS ABOUT
INT. MANOR – NIGHT
We learn what Tyler can do as a ghost (supernatural abilities: being invisible, levitating/flying poorly, can touch or move some material things, possessing people’s body like the movie Ghost), but we also learn that he is not very good at it.
Tyler regrets being a coward and not saving Maddie and his friends. But he refuses to visit the parts of the manor where his friends were killed, including the room where he was murdered: his Father’s office.
Time after the massacre, ghost Tyler sees his father coming into the manor. Father orders his staff to shut down the manor. Tyler wishes he could contact his Father but he can’t.
Tyler possesses his Father’s assistant’s body. He touches his Father, which surprises Tyler’s Father. For a moment, Father lets down his guard for a moment.
When the Assistant, possessed by Tyler’s ghost, leaves the manor, Tyler is kicked out of his body. Tyler’s ghost cannot leave the manor.
EXT. ROAD – PRESENT DAY (20 YEARS LATER)
A van drives through the woods.
INT. CAR – DAY
A new crop of college kids show up to party for the weekend. We meet Dallas and Lex, paternal half-sisters who don’t get along.
Plus: Socialite Girl, Influencer Girl, Jock, Stoner Kid & Gaymer Kid.
EXT. GENERAL STORE – DAY
The college kids make a stop for booze and snacks.
INT. GENERAL STORE – CONT.
We learn the manor was abandoned for 20 years, sold recently to a wealthy tech guru (Dallas and Lex’s dad). Lex, a true crime fanatic, points out that the caretaker is believed to be the serial killer who was never caught. Lex explains how the disgruntled caretaker killed the kids and ran away with some of Tyler’s father’s money. Going off the grid to avoid being caught.
Dallas is a gullible college girl pushed by her college friends to host a weekend party at her father’s manor.
Lex is a goth 16 y.o. who is secretly tagging along to investigate Tyler’s murder because she’s into true crime and haunted places. Lex inherited her father’s tech genius.
The college kids are warned by a shaggy MYSTERIOUS STORE ATTENDANT about the urban legend: that the Caretaker of the manor is believed to be the killer who was never caught and still roams the woods waiting to strike back. The college kids are the first people going into the manor since it was sold recently.
The college kids dismiss the warning. Lex is intrigued by the Store Attendant.
EXT. MANOR – DAY
Like an ominous ghost, Tyler stares out of the window as the college kids enter the driveway.
INT. MANOR – DAY
Tyler deals with the arrival of the whole group by trying to spook them away, unaware that the killer has entered the manor.
The college kids are too self-absorbed, too high or too lost in their mobile devices to notice Tyler’s attempts at haunting them, but Lex notices something paranormal is going on.
EXT. MANOR – NIGHT
It’s night time and the party is getting started. Dallas is irritated by the presence of Lex.
INT. MANOR – NIGHT
The stoner kid separates from the group and is murdered by the masked killer inside one of the rooms of the manor that Tyler refuses to walk inside.
4. ACT ONE
INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT
Tyler runs into the killer as the killer leaves the crime scene. Tyler freezes in panic.
The killer walks through Tyler’s ghostly body and after that, the killer stops and seems to notice he’s not alone (although the killer can’t see Tyler).
Tyler fears the killer will somehow get him… But the killer leaves quietly.
INT. ROOM – NIGHT
Tyler is afraid to enter, but once inside: Tyler finds the stoner’s dead body. Tyler takes comfort in knowing the killer can’t hurt a ghost.
The ghost of the stoner kid appears in front of Tyler. Tyler has never seen another ghost or talked to anyone since he became a ghost.
The stoner kid ghost has the ability to know Tyler’s life and how coward he was during the massacre.
Tyler feels guilty about Maddie and the other innocents killed, but he tries to hide/avoid confronting it and says he can’t help the new college kids.
The stoner’s ghost “moves on” to rest in peace in front of Tyler’s eyes.
INT. MANOR – NIGHT
Tyler now attempts communicating with the drunk college students to WARN THEM but fails.
He tries to scare them to leave, but FAILS.
The college kids separate in small group as the party continues.
Lex interprets Tyler’s increasing communication attempts as paranormal activity and goes further with her investigation.
EXT. MANOR/WOODS – NIGHT
Tyler tries to save Gaymer Kid being chased by the killer outside the manor by flying off over the woods with the very confused Gaymer in his arms…
The confused Gaymer causes Tyler to accidentally drop him into a large wood chipper; that the killer calmly turns on to finish off the job.
The killer has increased “awareness” of a supernatural presence (Tyler). The killer leaves.
INT. MANOR – NIGHT
Tyler realizes he doesn’t have the skills to defeat the killer. And can’t let this happen again.
Tyler figures out how to speak with Lex using her ghost-hunting app. But the supernatural energy summoned by Tyler to communicate with Lex kills the internet and cellphone service.
Tyler and Lex try warning Dallas and the college kids, who are more concerned about the lack of wifi.
While Tyler is scared of running into the killer. Lex is brave and wants to find the killer in order to stop him.
Tyler learns from Lex what happened to his family after the massacre. He finds out Maddie made it.
Tyler possesses Lex’s body (jumps into her body) to convince her sister Dallas about the serial killer and the ghost.
Dallas doesn’t believe Lex until she sees the killer in action: killing another one of her friends: Influencer Girl.
Now: Dallas, Lex, Socialite Girl and Jock are the only ones left alive.
Tyler points out Jock is just as obnoxious as he was when he was alive.
INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT
The killer chases the kids and Tyler.
After he prevents the killer from killing the sisters, the killer becomes “aware” of Tyler’s presence.
The killer throws a machete at Tyler’s direction. The machete goes through the ghost’s body and lands on the wall. Tyler screams and runs for his “life.” The killer seems to be able to listen to Tyler’s screaming.
EXT. MANOR – NIGHT
The kids get in the car. They crash on their way out.
The killer jumps on top of the car, tries stabbing the kids.
Tyler attempts hitting the killer.
The killer is able to grab and hit Tyler. Tyler is confused.
5. MID-POINT
EXT. MANOR – NIGHT
The Mysterious General Store Attendant appears and HELPS fight the serial killer, saving Tyler, Dallas and Lex from death. The killer escapes.
INT. MANOR – NIGHT
The Store Attendant is Maddie in disguise, now a badass who has lived off-the-grid for the last years.
Tyler is shocked to see Maddie.
Maddie reveals the caretaker is alive and has been been sending her messages all these years, before she went off-the-grid.
INT. MANOR – FLASHBACK
We see college Maddie after Tyler is murdered. Defeating the killer and surviving the massacre.
EXT. MANOR – FLASHBACK
Maddie speaks with the cops next to an ambulance. Maddie explains how the cops assumed the caretaker is the killer and that he was never caught.
Maddie grows up obsessed with the massacre and the killer being out there. This alienates Maddie from everyone, including Charles, Tyler’s half-brother who is seen trying to be close to her.
INT. MANOR – PRESENT TIME
Tyler finds out his father is dead, and regrets not being honest with him.
Maddie is told Tyler is a ghost, which she refuses to believe at first.
Tyler feels pain for the first time since he became a ghost.
Lex deducts the killer has a great emotional power over Tyler and it manifests from Tyler’s fear of him.
Lex performs a seance with Maddie and Dallas. This makes Tyler manifest in front of them.
Maddie cannot believe her eyes. Tyler is in front of her, still a college-boy.
As Tyler gets closer to Maddie (again) and moves even closer towards confronting his guilt, Tyler discovers his ghost body is “moving on” (dissolving into air) like the stoner’s. Tyler realizes he might be able to “rest in peace” if he stops the killer.
Lex and Dallas grow closer as the danger increases. They let down the superficial barriers that have prevented them from getting along. Dallas compliments Lex’s courage.
The killer cuts the power in the manor.
6. SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT TWO
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
Lex discovers the basement is the killer’s den.
There, Lex finds clues about the killer’s identity and motive: Print outs of Lex’s social media posts about true crime and Tyler’s unsolved murder. A box with paparazzi photos of college-age Maddie.
INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT
The killer appears AND kills Jock. The killer chases Lex and Dallas.
Tyler attempts being brave and uses his ghost powers to protect the girls and fight the killer, but the killer still outsmarts him.
Lex saves Dallas. A moment of relief.
The serial killer stabs Lex, killing her instead. Dallas feels guilty.
Tyler wishes “it had been him” instead.
7. CRISIS
INT. MANOR – NIGHT
Tyler has failed to protect the college kids. Maddie has also failed after all these years. Dallas gives up on everyone, wishing she was dead instead of Lex.
Tyler can’t confront the guilt, walks away.
INT. ROOM – NIGHT
Tyler enters the room where he was murdered. Maddie follows him.
Tyler finds an old painting of his late father. He apologizes to his father’s painting. The ghost of Father manifests and Tyler admits his mistakes. They get closure. Ghost Dad moves on.
Tyler realizes he cannot longer hide.
INT. MANOR – NIGHT
Dallas grieves the loss of Lex, becoming a “final girl” determined to stop the killer and avenge her sister and friends. She grabs an axe and looks for the killer.
The killer abducts Dallas.
8. CLIMAX
INT. MANOR – NIGHT
Tyler fights the serial killer. But the serial killer can fight back and injure Tyler.
Tyler and Maddie unmask the serial killer. Tyler learns the motive for the original massacre and the anniversary spree.
Tyler’s half-brother Charles was jealous of Tyler’s relationship with Maddie and, discovering he also fantasized of killing people, orchestrated the whole massacre and pinned it on the manor’s caretaker Ivan.
Charles realizes Tyler is a ghost. Charles realizes he needs to “exorcise” Tyler out of his life once and for all.
EXT. MANOR – FLASHBACK
Charles confesses he killed the caretaker during the original massacre and got rid of his body as a plan to frame the disgruntled worker as the killer who finally snapped at Tyler and friends. We see Charles dumping the caretaker’s body in the back of his car before he left the manor.
INT. MANOR – PRESENT TIME
20 years later, Charles didn’t win the love of Maddie before she went into hiding and he spent the whole family fortune in luxuries and bad investments.
But deep down, Charles was so delighted with the memories of his killings at the manor and power he felt doing it, that he kept the manor as his last asset.
He sold the manor to Lex and Dallas’ father and hopes to re-buy it at a lower price after he finishes his new killing spree.
Charles has been obsessed with Maddie all these years. Sending her the messages until she disappeared.
Charles offers Maddie a chance to join him, and help him finish off Dallas and Tyler.
Charles was planning to pin the murders on goth, true-crime obsessed Lex (based on her social media posts about Tyler), but Dallas will do.
Tyler becomes tangible and fights the serial killer with Maddie’s help.
9. RESOLUTION
INT. MANOR – NIGHT
Tyler and Maddie defeat the killer.
Maddie is badly injured.
Tyler apologizes to Maddie for his cowardice.
Maddie dies.
Lex is alive. Lex and Dallas, still bickering, grow closer and become true sisters.
Tyler, freed from his ghost state, and Maddie, her soul appearing like her college years, move on to rest in peace together.
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[PS80] Emmanuel’s Pass 9: Flag Scenes to Elevate
What I learned doing this assignment is elevating scenes should always be the goal in the outline process.
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Pablo Soriano’s Pass 9: Flags scenes to elevate
What I learned: Oh my goodness. So many flags. This whole story is moving way too slowly. I need to find a way to give some backstory and then jump right into it. So far, there is too much build up with a weak pay off. There’s enough action toward the end and I know I can still improve that. But I’m going to have to flag most of the first act.
FLAG
1. OPENING SCENE:
Irma sweeps up the remnants of a shattered piggy bank and tries to piece it back together with urgency. Once she’s finished, she puts a few coins back inside. She then cleans up several cans of beer and puts away crudely handmade toys. A rerun of Wheel of Fortune plays on an old tube television while she cleans.
– It’s not that Irma’s introduction is weak. It’s that I have to find a way to introduce the entire story better. I think I need to begin with a drone following a group of migrants attempting to cross the border and getting caught. I think I have to introduce Frank, the antagonist first. –
FLAG
3. INT. MIGUEL’S HOUSE, EL PASO, TX – DAY
Miguel, a skinny Latino American man, messes with computer parts in his kitchen. He is building a custom PC for gaming as his elderly mother sits on the couch, drifting off watching Wheel of Fortune.
10. INT. MIGUEL’S HOUSE – DAY
Miguel is making breakfast. He spoons-feed his mother who suffers from dementia. On the kitchen table, his PC is almost complete. In the background, the television blares a conservative news channel. The Anchorman questions his guest, Frank Kozakowski, who angrily gripes about the severity of the border crisis. Miguel changes the channel to a classic sitcom, El Chavo Del Ocho. His mother recognizes the opening song and perks up. He smiles as he catches a glimpse of the mother he remembers. He gets back to work on his project.
18. INT. MIGUEL’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Miguel’s mother is sleeping on the couch. The PC is now fully built and running. He looks at his measly bank account online. He then looks at his cryptocurrency portfolio which is not as bad. He then uses a VPN to open a private browser and search for browses on the dark web.
– Miguel’s back story. I’m taking too long to add any conflict to Miguel’s story. We have no idea what his role is in the film nor do we know what his motivation is. I think we need to start with him and his mother at a hospital where he finds out she is sick and they can’t afford health coverage because she is undocumented. That way we have a conflict and a goal in a single scene.
FLAG
11. EXT. FRONT DOOR – NIGHT
Late at night, two shady men knock. Irma answers through the window. One of them she recognizes as a head honcho at the casino named Sapo. He tells her he needs to speak with Ricardo. She tells them that he is probably at the casinos. Sapo says she’s attractive and asks if she would be interested in a job at the casino as it pays much better than her current one at the factory. She declines the offer. The two men leave.
– Sapo should be introduced earlier as well. Irma’s urgency to leave Mexico should be stronger. Might have him show up to look for Ricardo before we even introduce Ricardo.
FLAG
31. EXT. BUS TERMINAL – DAY
Irma argues with a person at the front desk because she can’t exchange her advance tickets for new ones that leave immediately. Sapo’s henchmen catch up to her and ask her not to cause a scene. They escort the family toward the exit. Andres begins to scream, attracting attention. People take notice and intervene allowing the family to bolt as onlookers block the henchmen. Irma desperately looks for a bus to El Paso. When they finally find one, they all board. The bus driver notices the date on the tickets doesn’t match but just shrugs and lets them on board. The henchmen lose track of them and the bus begins to depart.
– I don’t hate this scene. I just need a more clever way for them to escape. I will have to brainstorm.
There are many more flags. I will keep working on it.
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Janeen’s Pass #9 – Flag Scenes to Elevate
What I learned doing this assignment is that I hadn’t put a lot of the emotional journey in my scenes — they read more like stage direction — so anyone reading an outline like my current one wouldn’t see the emotional growth/change/intensity — only the physical motion. I doubt that’s as effective as it should be and as I hope the actual scenes will be. I have a tendency to include tidbits I already know will be in the scene in my outline which makes some scene summaries bloated, but I am loathe to remove/lose them. Ideas?
Scenes that have a problem are mostly talking head scenes. I need more action in those and there are a lot.
I added the hero’s emotional journey (a little) into scenes where that journey is displayed/advanced. I need to do it for additional characters to add more emotion to the scene descriptions/summaries.
My improved Outline/slug lines forTHE EMPOWERMENT GUILD
INT. RICHARDS HOME – EVENING
Richard slaps and punches Amber because she didn’t have the kids in bed already when he got home. He yells at the kids.
INT. CLASSROOM – DAY
Superficial Morgan leaves her class chatting with her classmates joking about how they hope they can get the techniques to work for them. Is it real or is it really just about boosting confidence? They debate it briefly.
INT. WOMEN’S SHELTER LOBBY – DAY
Morgan carries a few garment bags into the center and a young woman follows with a stack of shoe boxes. She sees Amber Richards, her designer’s wife, with their 2 kids and tries to talk to her. Amber does her best to hide bruises on her face and pretends she’s there on a charitable mission, not as a client, but Morgan sees the bruises and is distressed.
INT. SHELTER OFFICE – DAY
The woman who runs the shelter, a member of the bookclub, tells Morgan that Amber won’t press charges and is going back to her husband after being at the shelter for a couple of hours.
INT. DESIGN STUDIO – DAY
Morgan and Daniel Richards greet with fake kisses and she tells him she’s seen his wife at the shelter, donating clothes. He turns away with an evil leer.
INT. RICHARDS HOME – EVENING
We hear Daniel berating and slapping around Amber for trying to escape him and steal his kids while not keeping their private matters private. She is whimpering.
INT. MORGAN’S HOME – DAY
Still at a superficial level, Morgan considers what she can
do to help Amber and decides Amber needs to empower herself
to leave so she puts her copy of Silva in her purse. It will strengthen her self-confidence and help her feel she is capable of leaving Daniel.INT. RICHARDS HOME ENTRY – EVENING
After greeting, Morgan follows Daniel to his studio. She
sees Amber holding her kids in the dark in a living room and deliberately slips a Silva book onto a table with a significant look at Amber. Morgan is satisfied she has helped someone in need.INT. RICHARDS HOME STUDIO – EVENING
Morgan and Daniel consult on the design of a dress and both are fussy about fit and embellishment. As he’s walking her to the door, she looks again for Amber and this time, Amber is giving her the covert sign for help (Hand up flat (like a “stop” position), fold the thumb into the palm, curl the fingers down over the thumb). Startled, she nods to Amber.
INT. MORGAN’S CAR – CONTINUOUS
Down the street from the house, Morgan stops and calls the police to report that a woman asked her to call for help at the designer’s address. She waits impatiently after the police pass her, finally turning her car around and returning to the home. The cops (two males) show up at the designer’s house.
EXT. RICHARDS HOME – CONTINUOUS
Daniel is in cuffs, Amber is in tears and her kids are clinging to her in tears. Daniel stops to yell at Morgan as she rushes to Amber to comfort her, telling her to mind her own business and stay out of their simple family spat, not anything more than that. The conversation gets heated.
INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – EVENING
Still superficial, Morgan tells the group that Daniel has cut all ties with her and she’s not sure what she’ll wear to the gala.
INT. POLICE STATION – EVENING
Daniel is incensed and wants to capitalize on what the cops (two males) witnessed when Morgan rolled up and lit into Daniel. Because Amber refuses to testify, they side with Daniel and ask for the restraining order.
INT. POLICE STATION – LATER
The two cops argue with the guild cop and her partner that it’s not abuse if the wife won’t press charges, but he capitulates on that one so we know he’s reasonable. “So he’s standing right there after he’s wailed on her enough that someone called the cops and she’s supposed to say, ‘sure I want to press charges.
2.
Why don’t you come back in an hour with a warrant for his arrest and if I’m still alive, I’ll testify.’ Really?”
INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – EVENING
The cop says his wife refused to testify against him. Morgan says that he got a restraining order against her for harassment and for trying to incite her to leave him by giving her the book. The guild members are sympathetic about her fashion choices and the wife’s refusal to testify. Morgan, beginning to see it’s not going to be easy, wishes there was more she could do.
INT. CLASSROOM – DAY
Morgan chats with the Silva instructor who tells her that she cannot wish harm on anyone using Silva or it will come back
on her, but she can try to empower the wife who is being abused and give her whatever strength she needs to escape. Silvacan be done from a distance. She ponders that.
INT. RICHARDS HOME – EVENING
Daniel, emboldened and angry, slaps around Amber again, takes her car keys and phone away from her. He tells her to make a list of groceries she needs and he will take care of it. He spanks the kids for crying when they see their mom being hit.
INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING
Morgan uses Silva to heal Amber’s bruises. Then she does Silva to empower her. She finishes the evening by doing some additional Silva on Amber to reduce her fear and emotional pain. All of this is done from a distance.
INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING
Morgan, satisfied she has helped, talks to the her husband, a wealthy writer, about her efforts. He tells her he doesn’t think it’s ethical to help someone without their permission. She says the Silva instructor said she could do it from a distance. He counters that there is a restraining order against her that prohibits her from talking to Amber. She’d be violating the restraining order to help her in any way. She argues she’s staying away and feels compelled to do something.
INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – EVENING
Morgan tells her guild about the woman and that she can only help her with Silva although she has heard of NMT. She explains each briefly. The guild includes a cop, lawyer, ER nurse and the woman who runs the shelter where Morgan was donating clothes in the beginning.
3.
They empathize and explain abused women’s behavior and the fears/pride that govern their actions.
INT. MORGAN’S HOME – LATER
Morgan’s husband warns her not to get involved as it may be dangerous. Stick to her little empowerment stuff, but stay out of Daniel’s way — he’s dangerous and if he will beat his wife, he won’t think twice about beating Morgan if he runs into her.
INT. CAFE – EVENING
Morgan chats with the shelter woman about what the women need most to leave. Besides deposits for apartments and utilities, they need jobs, child care, etc. and most want to keep their kids in the same school district. They talk about one of the shelter’s current residents who really needs confidence and for her bruises to heal before she can even look for work.
INT. MORGAN’S HOME – LATER
Morgan watches an NMT lesson, tries the technique and seems
to feel better. Her husband asks her what she’s doing and
she explains intentional medicine. She writes down that she is going to test for confidence in Amber and for bruise healing and we leave her performing intentional medicine, with her husband looking on in amusement, but telling her he thinks it’s illegal to practice medicine without a license — and without the patient’s consent. She ponders that, but feelsno compunction about doing the same thing for the shelter’s current residents. They are not in any physical danger right now and they need support, courage and empowerment.
INT. POLICE STATION – EVENING
A wife Morgan has “helped” breaks the nose of her husband during a fight. Cop’s partner thinks it’s abuse, but she checks the records and says it’s merely the wife fighting back instead of taking the beatings like she used to. He ponders.
INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – TWO WEEKS LATER
The shelter woman tells Morgan that the woman they talked about has healed and developed the confidence needed to get a job at her old financial planning firm. Morgan is gratified and wonders what else she can do with her power. She gets the name and situation of someone else at the shelter who needs help, but this time, the person also needs a place to stay, which Morgan is unable to offer.
4.
INT. POLICE STATION – MORNING
The guild cop tells her partner about how successful what the guild is doing has been. He is skeptical and wonders if it’s ethical.
INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – TWO WEEKS LATER
The shelter woman asks Morgan if she has been helping the woman they talked about and the answer is yes. The shelter woman tells the other guild members about it. The cop is interested in learning it as are the nurse and the lawyer. Morgan shares books, web addresses and we see the other women joining her at a Silva class and watching the NMT videos.
INT. CLASSROOM – DAY
Morgan asks the Silva instructor how she can help Amber. Invite her to class? Not an option. Then probably not much you can do for her. Morgan asks about distance work. Sure, if she okays it. Morgan asks the Silva instructor if it is unethical to help people who don’t know she is helping them. Can she do it? He stresses that since she cannot use Silva for evil against people, he guesses it is fine. She says, legally, is it OK? He says the law doesn’t recognize it as a true power and she can think of it as offering “thoughts and prayers” which people do for the unfortunate all of the time.
INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – TWO WEEKS LATER
The shelter woman tells the group that three women who were repeat tenants of the shelter have now found the courage to leave their abusers for good. One woman struck back at her abuser, scaring him when she punched him in the gut after he hit her. They cheer, but Morgan wonders if it’s ethical.
INT. POLICE STATION – DAY
The cop says that she has been able to find ways to lock up a couple more abusers on second calls by focusing on getting her boss to look more favorably on preventing further domestic violence.
INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – TWO WEEKS LATER
The ER nurse says that Amber came through the ER the day before, with a broken wrist. She again refused to press charges when consulted privately and Daniel hovered and eventually took her home. Morgan, now with true purpose, resolves to help her.
INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING
Daniel calls Morgan and tells her that he will kill her if she continues to put thoughts of leaving into his wife’s head.
5.
She says she hasn’t talked to his wife since the night the police were at his house. Daniel says he knows that’s not true. Morgan is baffled, visibly shaken and shuts off the NMT video she was watching.
INT. POLICE STATION – MORNING
The cop works on her boss to take abusive patterns into consideration more often in charging — includes checking hospital records, police calls, and shelter info before releasing an abuser.
INT. CAFE – EVENING
The guild ladies tell Morgan she is making a difference and they applaud her efforts and congratulate themselves for each doing what they can as we see a stream of women getting pro bono legal work, the cop’s partner talking to the men while she talks to the women and the shelter woman smiling as women and children leave with their bags.
INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING
Morgan’s husband questions her about what she is empowering these women to do when more women begin fighting back or leaving. She says she’s just giving them strength, taking away their fear and emotional pain so they can think clearly about their situations and giving them confidence to act. He says it’s a slippery slope. She says Silva can’t be used for evil. He says define evil. A man beating his wife? A wife striking back? She ponders.
INT. ER – EVENING
Amber is wheeled in by paramedics. She persists in not wanting to press charges telling the counselor she has been cut off from all of her friends, has no money or credit, hasn’t worked since the kids were born and Daniel has said he will take the kids if she even thinks about leaving and he seems to know what she’s thinking because she was considering it. He has taken away her phone and car keys and has shut off the internet to the house.
INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – EVENING
The ER nurse relays this to the group and they decide to use all of their combined efforts to empower Amber to protect herself and her children. We see concerted efforts by all of the members at various times of the evening.
INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING
Morgan’s husband supports her in her court fight over renewing the restraining order.
6.
7.
He believes her when she says she never wished anything bad to happen to Daniel, but worries the if Daniel finds out and takes her to court, the court won’t see it that way. She may be violating the restraining order.
INT. RICHARDS HOME – EVENING
Amber hasn’t done something to Richard’s exacting taste and he slaps her around for it. Her bruises aren’t even healed. She seethes and hides her anger until after he leaves the room. Then says, “No more.”
INT. RICHARDS HOME – MORNING
Amber has a fresh bruise and she goes to a vase in the guest room and takes out her hidden stash of various pain pill prescriptions from her visits to the ER. She contemplates them.
INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – EVENING
Morgan and the guild do Silva and NMT together to empower Amber to take care of herself and protect herself and her kids since the ER nurse says she fears for Amber’s life due to the escalation pattern in the abuse.
INT. RICHARDS KITCHEN – DAY
Amber has baked what she tells the kids is their father’s favorite dessert and that he and mommy are having a special dinner tonight and they must eat early. Amber is smiling.
INT. RICHARDS LIVING ROOM – EVENING
She hands Daniel a big piece of cake and a cup of coffee. She excuses herself to clean up the kitchen.
INT. RICHARDS LIVING ROOM – LATER
Daniel is sleeping deeply in his recliner. With surgical precision, we see Amber position the knife on his chest, double checking that it is over his heart, and then push it in with great force. She pulls the knife out, sits down on the floor next to him. and when the blood is no longer pumping out of the wound, she pulls a compact from her pocket and checks to see if he is breathing. Then she calmly calls the police.
INT. POLICE STATION – LATER
Amber is in an interrogation room, her fresh bruise obvious, her manner stoic. The guild cop asks her what happened. She says she had no choice. There was no way out. No hope. He kept her prisoner with no phone, car, internet or money. She had nowhere to go and no way to get there and he was relentless.
8.
He spanked the kids harshly — was almost as angry as he got with her — and she wasn’t going to let them go through what she did. She couldn’t divorce him because she had no one to help her or care for the kids while she worked and he had said he would get custody of the kids, declaring her unfit. This was her only choice.
INT. POLICE STATION – DAY
The guild cop’s partner talks to the prosecutor about the guild’s work in encouraging women to fight back. He believes that there is now a history of women harming their abusers and it is the guild’s fault. Now that a murder has happened, he convinces the prosecutor to charge them as accessories.
INT. POLICE STATION – LATER
The guild are all in separate interview rooms. Morgan is being charged as an accessory to murder. She tells them they are insane. She hasn’t talked to or communicated with Amber since the restraining order went into effect. They say that the guild cop had said they were helping Amber with some mumbo jumbo and it apparently worked. They were being charged — even the cop — as accessories.
INT. MORGAN’S HOME – NIGHT
Morgan’s husband will testify if needed that she never talked to Amber and that they discussed what she COULD do — the equivalent of thoughts and prayers.
INT. COURT ROOM – DAY
One after another, we see the defendants, the guild, being asked to swear whether they had helped Amber. They all answer that she had been in their “thoughts and prayers” because they knew her husband was abusive. Nothing illegal about that, is there? On cross-examination, they say that their prayers were asking that she would be strong and heal quickly. They never prayed that she hurt her husband. Silva doesn’t work that way and it would be an evil thing to do. Wasn’t Amber killing her own husband evil? Not if he was abusing her and she saw no way out. It would be self-defense.
INT COURT ROOM – DAY
Amber’s stabbing of Daniel is determined to be self-defense and she is ordered to counseling, but not deemed a danger to herself or her kids. The guild celebrates.
INT COURT ROOM – DAY
The guild lawyer testifies that there is no legal proof that sending supportive and healing “thoughts and prayers” can cause someone to do something.
9.
The teacher testifies that what the guild did would have been ethically wrong if they were professional practitioners, but that their work was the equivalent of “thoughts and prayers” for a woman in need. Who can fault someone for wanting a
wife and children to be safe in their own home? Did he help them in their work? No. He didn’t know what they were doing. It would have been unethical for him to participate or advise them so he did not. The experts have testified that the situation was escalating to Amber’s death. Daniel would have spent the rest of his kids’ childhood in prison. How was
that better than the current outcome? The children are safe with a loving mother. Isn’t that what anyone would have prayed for? The court drops the charges since the cops have no evidence of wrongdoing.INT. DESIGN STUDIO – DAY
Morgan is working with a female designer on a dress. The designer says her neighbor is being beaten by her husband. Is there anything she can do? Morgan hands her a Silva book with a link to NMT training written inside the front cover. “Thoughts and Prayers” are about all you can do.
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Amy’s Pass 9: Flag Scenes to Elevate
What I learned doing this assignment is that specifically looking for problems and areas that can be improved in my story, improved my story significantly. I’m still not happy with the end though.
1. Read your entire outline and FLAG every scene that has a problem. Give us a paragraph on those so we know what you’ve discovered.
I first noted that there are a couple of scenes where we see Meagan doing something dastardly. It would be better if we don’t know who did it right away creating some suspense. Also, in my basic structure, it states that Andrea did some digging and found out Meagan conspired with the professor to send her back in time, but in my outline, Andrea just accidentally discovers that Meagan conspired with the professor. That’s not very exciting. It would be better if Andrea actually did have to do some digging to find out how she got sent back in time. A big problem I discovered is that Andrea does all of her growing as a person one year into the future. This is also where she improves her relationship with her kids. Then at the end, she suddenly goes back to the present meaning everything that she’s just gone through has been for nothing since her kids in the present still think she’s a neglectful mom.
2. Read your entire outline again and flag any scene that can be improved in any way. Give us a paragraph on those so we know what you’ve discovered.
I found a lot of things that could be improved. The scene where Andrea visits Josh at work and finds Meagan there isn’t very exciting. The scene where Chloe gets bullied in the hallway at school is cliché. The scene where Benjamin asks his coach to let him pitch is dull. The scene where Andrea and Josh have lunch at a restaurant is cliché. There is yet another scene where Andrea visits Josh at work. The scene where Andrea talks to the professor and threatens to tell everyone what he did could be improved by having him doing something instead of just talking heads. The scene where the professor tries to get Meagan sucked into the machine could be improved.
Opening: Andrea lives an exciting life as one of the anchors at a local TV station. Her goal is to become a network anchor. She works too much and never sees her family.
INT. – STUDIO – NIGHT
Andrea interviews her husband, Josh, a detective, about the murder that happened in the town. The murderer was a wife who killed her husband. Josh offers the theory that the husband was negligent, but Andrea disagrees.
INT. – UNIVERSITY SCIENCE LAB – DAY
Meagan, a wealthy widow attends the dedication ceremony for the science lab which has just been named after her. She meets the top scientist who is working on the building of a new supercollider in the lab and instantly bonds with him.
INT. –NEWSROOM – NIGHT
Breaking news happens. Andrea calls home to let her family know that once again, she will not be home for dinner.
INT. – KITCHEN – NIGHT
Josh helps the kids with their homework. They complain about their mom not being there.
EXT. – BASEBALL FIELD – NIGHT
Andrea’s family is at her son, Benjamin’s baseball game. He keeps looking back hoping she will show up. Meagan, one of Josh’s ex-girlfriends is there because her kid is also on the team. She cozies up to Josh and questions why Andrea isn’t there which is a sore spot for Josh.
INT. – NEWSROOM – DAY
Andrea discusses with her boss the exciting new development at the local university, the completion of a supercollider. Her boss assigns her the story.
EXT. – POOL – DAY
Andrea’s daughter has a swim meet. It’s her time to swim, but she cries because her mother isn’t there. She has to be coaxed into the pool by her dad.
Inciting incident: Andrea interviews the scientist about the university’s new supercollider. Meagan is there. Meagan “accidentally” bumps Andrea while the machine is on, and Andrea gets sucked into the machine. She arrives in the past, not the beautiful news anchor, but ugly.
INT. –UNVERSITY SCIENCE LAB – DAY
Andrea interviews the professor (with Meagan there) who demonstrates for her how the supercollider works. Meagan “accidentally” bumps Andrea into the machine and she disappears.
INT – UNIVERSITY SCIENCE LAB – DAY
Andrea appears out of the machine, but she doesn’t look like herself. She notices she’s a different height and her hands look different. She runs out of the lab.
INT. –UNVERSITY LAB – BATHROOM – DAY
Andrea looks at herself in the mirror and is horrified.
INT. – NEWSROOM – DAY
Andrea tries to prepare for the night’s newscast, but no one will talk to her about it because they don’t recognize her. Meanwhile, everyone is looking for her and panicking.
INT. – STUDIO – NIGHT
Andrea sits at her place behind the news desk. The producer threatens to call security if she doesn’t leave. Everyone is still in a panic looking for her especially now that the newscast is about to air.
EXT./INT. – ANDREA’S HOME – NIGHT
Andrea shows up at her house and lets herself in scaring her family to death since they don’t recognize her. Josh calls the police and Andrea gets arrested.
INT – JOSH’S OFFICE – DAY
Andrea goes to Josh’s office and asks to see him. He runs down to the lobby thinking his wife has returned, but he’s disappointed to find it’s the same “crazy” woman that was at his house last night. Meagan shows up to talk to him about an event for the baseball team and he invites her up to his office.
INT. – SCIENCE LAB – DAY
Andrea convinces the professor to turn on the machine and she gets sucked in again, on purpose this time.
Page 10: Andrea arrives back from the past and looks more like herself, only more beautiful.
INT. – BATHROOM – DAY
Andrea looks at herself in the mirror and is pleased that she looks more like herself now but perplexed that she’s even more beautiful than before.
End of Act 1: Andrea realizes a year has passed. Everyone assumed she was dead and her husband, Josh has gotten together with a girlfriend from his past, Meagan. Since the network thought she was dead, she is no longer the anchor of the news program.
INT – ANDREA’S HOME – DAY
Andrea drives to her home, but her key doesn’t work, so she rings the bell. Josh comes to the door and nearly faints at the sight of her.
INT. – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
The kids see Andrea and are both relieved to see her but also confused about the way she looks. She tells them about getting sucked into the supercollider and traveling through time.
INT. – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
The doorbell rings. It’s Meagan. Immediately she gives Josh a kiss. Andrea notices she’s wearing an engagement ring. Andrea’s family informs her that it’s the year 2023 and she’s been missing for a year.
INT. – SCIENCE LAB – DAY
Andrea tries to get the professor to send her back to the present. He tells her he won’t because he can’t guarantee that she’ll go back to the time she came from because he doesn’t understand how the machine and time travel work.
*INT. – NEWSROOM –DAY
Andrea convinces the network to take her back as a reporter.
INT. –SCHOOL HALLWAY –DAY
Chloe is practicing for her school play when a prop falls on her. The popular girl who is the lead starts laughing at her inciting everyone else to laugh at her.
EXT. –BASEBALL FIELD – DAY
At Benjamin’s game, the pitcher dislocates his shoulder. Benjamin asks the coach if he can pitch, but he says no.
EXT. – GROCERY STORE – DAY
Andrea’s daughter’s swim team is having a bake sale. Andrea threw something together late last night after work. Her daughter is embarrassed by the cookies. Meagan’s cookies are a hit.
INT. – STREET – DAY
Andrea and Josh attend the town’s food festival and start getting reacquainted. Things are going great until Megan finds them and pulls Josh away on some “emergency.”
EXT. – STREET – DAY
Andrea calls her daughter and tells her she’s on the way to her school play, but then discovers that she has a flat tire.
INT. – AUDITORIUM – NIGHT
Andrea arrives at the school after the play is over upsetting Chloe. She asks Josh to take her back, but he admits that things weren’t that great when she was around.
Mid-point: Andrea has done some digging and comes to the realization that Meagan used the professor to get access to the science lab to send her back in time.
INT. – NEWSROOM – DAY
Andrea looks at footage from the rededication of the science lab a year ago and sees Meagan talking to the professor.
INT. –CLASSROOM – DAY
The professor is getting ready for a class and is hurriedly writing on the blackboard. Andrea questions him about his relationship with Meagan. He confesses that he told Meagan that time travel was possible with the supercollider.
INT. – ANDREA’S HOME – NIGHT
Chloe confides in Andrea about her bully. Andrea gives her advice that’s not really helpful.
EXT. – BASEBALL FIELD – NIGHT
Andrea confronts Meagan in front of everyone about her sending her back in time. Josh doesn’t believe Andrea and gets mad at her. Meagan pretends to be distressed and calls the police. They come and suggest that Andrea leave.
EXT. –BASEBALL FIELD – LATER
Benjamin gets a chance to pitch, but walks every hitter.
End of Act 2-Andrea tries to send Meagan back in time but fails.
INT. – SCIENCE LAB – NIGHT
Meagan shows up. Andrea is already there with the professor. Andrea tells Meagan that she’s won and she wants to be friends now. She wants Meagan to show her how the machine causes time travel. Meagan gets really close to the machine. Andrea almost pushes her in, but Meagan gets wise to her at the last minute.
Crisis-Although Andrea succeeds in getting Josh to fall in love with her again, he confesses that he and the kids are happier with Meagan than they were with her and rejects her. Andrea gets offered the anchor position again and must decide between her career and her family.
INT. – NEWSROOM – DAY
Andrea interviews Josh about a new development on the murder case from a year ago. Afterward, Josh admits to falling in love with Andrea again but announces that he’s going ahead with his marriage to Meagan because life is better with her.
Climax: Andrea plans to go to her daughter’s dance recital, but a fire starts at the science lab and her boss wants her to cover it. She goes to the science lab where the professor tells them that he saw Meagan slip out the back just as he was arriving. Andrea shows up to her daughter’s dance recital with the police who take Meagan to the police station for questioning. Andrea signs off and says she’s going to watch her daughter’s dance recital. Her boss calls and fires her.
INT. – STUDIO – NIGHT
Andrea’s boss wants her to stay and cover a fire that just broke out at the science lab. She says that she was planning on going to her daughter’s dance recital. Her boss tells her she has to stay or risk losing her job. Andrea leaves to go to the science lab.
INT. – SCIENCE LAB – NIGHT
Andrea shows up just as the paramedics are wheeling the professor out with cameras rolling. The professor says that he saw Meagan slip out the back just before the fire started.
INT. –AUDITORIUM – BACKSTAGE – NIGHT
Chloe tells Josh and Meagan that she’s giving up on her mother, that she must not love her. The popular girl who made everyone laugh at her during the play overhears this and taunts her. Just then…
INT. – AUDITORIUM – LATER
Andrea shows up with her cameras and the police. The police detain Meagan. Josh realizes Andrea was right about Meagan. Andrea runs to Chloe. Andrea says she’s staying to watch her recital. Andrea has choice words for the popular girl.
INT. – AUDITORIUM – LATER
The performance is done. Chloe runs off the stage to her mom and dad and brother. Andrea’s boss calls and fires her. She says that’s okay because her family is more important. Suddenly…
INT. –SCIENCE LAB – DAY
Andrea is back at the science lab. She looks like herself again. She runs out of the lab.
Resolution: Andrea is reunited with Josh and her kids.
INT- ANDREA’S HOME – NIGHT
Andrea runs through the house calling to her family afraid that everything that just happened has been erased, but to her surprise, it hasn’t. The present and future have merged. Andrea’s family is reunited.
EXT. – BASEBALL FIELD – NIGHT
Benjamin gets to pitch and strikes the hitter out. He looks back at his mom, beaming. Andre and Josh kiss.
-
DAY 15
PS 80 Michelle Damis Pass 9: Flag Scenes to Elevate
What I learned doing this is it is very helpful to go thru scenes backwards. I also find it very challenging to just flag and not fix. And lastly I think a lot of the problems will be remedied by adding the dialogue and other character development.
1. Read your entire outline and FLAG every scene that has a problem. Give us a paragraph on those so we know what you’ve discovered. My first read through I moved some early scenes around and added a bit to be able to transition smoothly out of narration to “in the moment” perspective. (I also find it helpful to make notes about possibilities and ideas as I go along, so that I don’t forget them.) I also noticed a few holes that I filled with a scenes. It feels somewhat inefficient to just flag then come back, so I fixed most of them or made notes on the spot. If it was something that I felt was a problem that I wasn’t inspired to change at the moment then I simply flagged.
2. Read your entire outline again and flag any scene that can be improved in any way. Give us a paragraph on those so we know what you’ve discovered. What I noticed is that as the outline went on I had less details, but still knew where I was going for the most part. I feel like dialogues and details will provide much of the improvements that are needed. I also noticed I need more “conflict” or “suspense” thru-out but it really isn’t going to change my outline much. Perhaps a few added scenes, but nothing major.
Latest Outline
INT. COZY LIBRARY-ISH ROOM – NIGHT
An unseen man sits in a leather chair, cozy room, fireplace.
INT. VERY OLD INTERIOR – NIGHT
Ted narrating. “The year was (pick a time hundreds of years ago) show Ted in those clothes etc… “Wait, what am I doing? Totally wrong year…)
INT. TEDS “LAIR” ABANDONED BLDG – NIGHT
Narrated cont. “Correction, the year was ____ (could do 2022 or could totally have fun with 1987) He is sharing what his life is like being a vampire. Where he has lived, how he gets by, what other vampires do etc… Ted is getting ready to go out on the town-primping, choosing outfit etc….
EXT. DOWNTOWN STREETS – NIGHT
Ted walking to night club, narrating still. Explains more about vampires in general (folk-lore, misconceptions), etc… Observe humans being rotten to each other, more details about his feelings of disdain toward humans. We see Ted do something “kind” for a homeless human. “Just a bite” opportunity for humor/irony.
INT. NIGHTCLUB – NIGHT
Ted sees his vampire friend. Ted narrates background on “friend” (very young in vampire years) explains a bit about other vampires in his life. We then see Nina in the night club in the background. Waitress approaches – Ted, “I’ll be having a drink later” comment. (audience should think she is going to be a victim)
INT. NIGHTCLUB – NIGHT
(we leave narration) Ted sits down at bar with his vampire friend, they start chatting.
INT. NIGHTCLUB – NIGHT
Nina arrives at bar next to Ted, orders drink she observes a guy being too pushy with a girl nearby, she intervenes, Ted notices.
INT. NIGHTCLUB – NIGHT
Nina sits down with a few friends, brings her friends up to date with her situation, she has had to move back home with parents-not happy. No job, etc…
INT. NIGHTCLUB – NIGHT
Ted narrating observing humans.
INT. NIGHTCLUB – NIGHT
Ted and friend select that nights victim(s) (they select someone that deserves it from audience perspective), Nina almost a target of his friend, Ted dissuades “She only looks like a bitch, pick someone else” (she is clueless that she was almost “dinner”)
EXT. OUTSIDE CLUB ALLEY – NIGHT
Quick scene of victims (don’t show any gore) Ted narrating as he walks how and why he picks his prey.
INT. NIGHTCLUB – NIGHT
Brief montage of Nina partying into the night.
INT. BEDROOM – EARLY AM
Alarm clock going off 5am. We meet Marin and Jim, Ninas parents. (Feel the love and security) reference to being newly retired.
INT. WORKOUT ROOM – EARLY AM
Marin is working out. View some of her accomplishments on walls. Get background from items in the room.
INT. ENTRY WAY
Nina comes home from partying, annoyed she can hear her Mom exercising. Looks at a family picture-mixture of sadness and anger Rolls eyes/dirty looks at Marin as she walks past room. “Good Morning!” Nina ignores her. Marin exasperated.
INT. NINAS ROOM – EARLY MORNING
Ninas bedroom is a disaster, pulls shades as sun coming up. Flops into bed. Items in room show how much she is loved. But that she is self-sabotaging
INT. HOUSE – EARLY MORNING
Marins finished with workout, walks thru house to kitchen. Nina’s path of destruction-leaves a mess everywhere. Picks up things as she goes. Obviously frustrated.
INT. KITCHEN – EARLY MORNING
Marin hands are full of Ninas stuff that she has picked up, throws in laundry room. Jim in messy Kitchen having coffee, Marin joins him-grabbing coffee. They have conversation about Nina. “We can’t live like this” “ANYBODY” would be better than her! “Let’s get a tenant, and pay for her to live in the city” Epiphany/Idea. Marin gets text from her sister.
EXT. TEDS BUILDING – EARLY MORNING/STILL DARK
Ted is walking up to his building. There is a guy posting a sign on a door to bldg. Ted reads sign. Building being destroyed to make way for fancy condos. (Comments about the waste, humans and garbage, destruction and greed)
EXT. PARK/WALKING TRAILS – DAY
Marin walks with her sister Rachel, they have talk about Nina (good time to reveal some stuff) Marin tells her about renter idea, Rachel doesn’t like the idea. (tad bit of conflict) (could change to something more interesting /less cliché than walking)
INT. HOME OFFICE – DAY
Marin on computer, posting “room for rent” notice, (conflict scene with Nina). “I’m going to the gym…you should be happy” storms out.
INT. THERAPIST OFFICE –DAY
Nina enters. (Don’t know if we will get any info at this point) just show she is IN therapy- showing she lied to her Mom about where she was going.
INT. BAR – NIGHT
Ted telling vampire friends about having to move, there are no good bldgs anymore…all these new fancy condos. No history, no class. Friend talks about another friend that moved to the suburbs, and loves it. Ted likes the idea. Would be a nice change. They eye their “dinner” (we see a couple douchebags)
EXT. STREET – NIGHT
Ted has finished “dinner”. Walking home past a coffee shop, sees a room for rent ad in window, takes down number.
**1 week later.
INT. HOUSE – DAY INTO NIGHT
Various interviews with potential renters, one of whom will be Ted.
INT. KITCHEN –MINUTES LATER
Jim and Marin go to kitchen to agree they want Ted.
INT. HOUSE – CONT.
Jim and Marin offer room to Ted. Nina comes home unexpectedly. They have to tell her their brilliant plan… this is the new renter and she gets to move back to the city! He recognizes her from the nightclub, she can’t put her finger on why he looks familiar. Set timeframe of 2 weeks for the transition/move.
INT. NINAS CITY APT – DAY
Nina in her new place unpacking with a friend. Happy for herself but suspicious of Ted. (need to set up that she has to work the victim hotline tonight)
EXT. HOUSE – NIGHT
Ted move in “night”, apologizes for it being dark. He doesn’t have that much stuff.
INT. HOUSE – NIGHT
Jim and Marin are super kind and helpful. Ted has never been treated like this before. Funny “Vegan” dinner scene.
INT. CALL CENTER – NIGHT
Nina consoles a victim and shares part of her story.
EXT.HOUSE – NIGHT
Ted is sneaking out like a teenager to go to club. Already feeling guilty.
INT. NIGHTCLUB – NIGHT
With vampire friends, discusses new place he is living. One asks when he will drain them. The other informs that Vampires aren’t allowed to feed on their landlords or their family, forbidden. Only if they ASK to be turned. Ted is surprised-but also relieved. One says…”But WE can feed on them.” Ted immediately feels protective-not a normal emotion for him. Nina shows up, Ted sneaks out.
EXT. FIELD – NIGHT
Ted decides to feed on a deer instead of a human. Apologizes to the deer.(at least you aren’t a cow, I’d hate to think I was contributing to the beef industry –they are killing the environment dialogue)
INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT
Ted does all the dishes and takes out the garbage (highlight he is serious about recycling) before going to bed for the day.
INT. WORKOUT ROOM – EARLY MORNING (still dark)
Marin working out, Ted smiles as he passes by, opposite of Nina. Brief interaction?
INT. KITCHEN – DAY
Marin joins Jim for coffee in spotless kitchen, “This is already working out”. Just then Nina calls, she has a great job interview today. Do you want to talk to Mom? NO! Jim consoles Marin.
INT. DOWNTOWN OFFICE – DAY
Nina at interview, sitting in waiting room looking at newspaper. Missing person article, photo of nightclub, missing person-sees Ted in background. Suspicion grows. She rocks interview.
INT. BIG BOX STORE- DAY
Marin is shopping, getting all sorts of Halloween decorations and costumes. Phone call with her sister talking about how well everything is going “Like the son they never had” , in store sees a little boy/son-she ends up a bit sad.
INT. HOME – NIGHT
Marin is putting up Halloween decorations as Ted is “getting up”. She LOVES Halloween- (this could be a great scene.) Jim comes home- she is excited to show him their costumes this year. VAMPIRES! Jim wants to see a movie, he asks Ted to join them-why not? He realizes he has never gone to a theater.(has to fake that he has)
EXT. THEATER – NIGHT
Gorgeous old theater. They see a classic that restores faith in humanity(I will need to figure out a really good choice in the movie they see). Jim talks about movies and seeing them as a family and how the experience with his Dad was so impactful.
INT. THEATER – NIGHT
Trying popcorn for first time (clearly dislikes-too dry) Ted mesmorized. Ted sheds a tear?(can they cry??) or he just looks impacted??
EXT. THEATER – NIGHT
They are walking to car, Jim asks him how he liked it….Ted can’t stop talking. Jim- “It’s like you’ve never seen a movie before” they laugh. Someone is watching (danger) Teds senses kick up….he knows.
INT. HOME – NIGHT
Ted makes an excuse to go to his room and he sneaks out.
INT. NIGHTCLUB – NIGHT
Ted meets his friend asks if he is following him and the humans. Oddly defensive, Ted threatens, Nina interrupts. Ted surprised. Tense conversation ensues. She doesn’t trust him. This is where he tells her how rotten she is being that they didn’t just want her to be happy in the city….they couldn’t; take it anymore…you are hurting THEM, they are YOUR PARENTS….how can you do that? You don’t know how lucky you are! Nina storms out.
INT. THERAPIST – DAY
Nina at therapist. She was affected by Teds “wake-up call” the night prior. Can you believe what he said??
EXT. THERAPIST BLDG – DAY
Nina is scared by a guy dressed up as a vampire as she leaves building. HAPPY HALLOWEEN! She sees some little trick or treaters. PHONE RINGS-Gets a call, she GOT THE JOB!
INT. HOME – DAY
Marin doing all sorts of Halloween craft/cookies….getting ready for trick- or –treaters. (add some threat or conflict)
INT. CAR – NIGHT
Nina driving talking with friend on cell, got job, going to pick up her Dad for a celebration dinner , then meet you for party later…its perfect…Mom won’t want to miss trick-or-treaters.
INT. HOUSE – NIGHT
Nina shows up at parents (who are dressed as vampires) with good news. “I’m taking you out to dinner!” It plays out like Nina expected but Ted has been listening…he walks into room and laughs aloud at their vampire costumes. ”I’ll hand out the candy, it’ll be fun, you guys go” Nina very/annoyed (what is he up to?) Marin- “should we change” Nina “No, you are fine” now plans to embarrass her mom at a FANCY place.
INT. FANCY RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Marin embarrassed, Nina takes pleasure in her embarrassment, as they check in with Maître D.
INT/EXT. FRONT DOOR – NIGHT
Montage of trick-or-treaters and Teds responses funny stuff.
INT. FANCY RESTAURANT – NIGHT
The dinner gets tense, Nina says she doesn’t like Ted, is she jealous. She tells them what he said to her. They get in a fight.
INT/EXT. FRONT DOOR – NIGHT
Montage of more trick-or-treaters and Teds responses, funny stuff until his real Vampire friends show up. SH*T…now they know where he is and the family is in danger. Nina drops Jim and Marin home.
EXT. CAR – NIGHT
Nina sees “much too big” trick-or-treaters leave, she is suspicious and follows the two Vampires.
INT. HOME – NIGHT
Jim and Marin ask Ted how he liked answering the door etc….then he asks how their dinner went. The conversation turns into a bit of a therapy session. Jim and Marin explain to Ted how Nina has changed over the years, they confess all their frustrations, he tries to give them the limited advice he can. He sees how much they love her. Ted looks at the clock forgetting he needs to meet the other vampires. He claims he is tired as his excuse to exit.
EXT. MEETING PLACE/WOODED AREA – NIGHT
Ted arrives meeting the other Vampires they argue and fight over the family. They reveal themselves thinking they are alone.
EXT. CAR – NIGHT
Nina is shocked when she realizes what they are. She starts to call the police…wait….they won’t believe her. She waits for them to leave then starts driving. She sees an old church (Holy Water) and screeches to a halt in front of it. Grabs a few empty containers exits car.
EXT. OUTSIDE CHURCH – NIGHT
Nina sneaking in. Trick-or-treaters in background
INT. CHURCH – NIGHT
Still sneaking around, trying to find holy water, steals a few crosses, gets caught by a Nun. She has to confess what she is doing expecting the Nun to think she is crazy. The Nun takes her under the church to a secret room and schools her on Vampire stuff (will need to do some good cleaver research here- don’t want to be cliché’) Nun surprisingly defends vampires. It wasn’t their fault, such a sad existence.
EXT. VARIOUS STREETS – NIGHT
Ted walking, thinking, observes trick-or-treaters and families. A kid running, trips, crying a Dad picks him up and consoles. Ted is touched and forlorn. Mad at himself… What is he doing? He is a vampire! A killer! He starts to attack someone, the guy laughs…”Great costume man! You almost had me…” Ted lets him go.
INT. MANSION – NIGHT
Teds Vampire friends report him to Elders…he is breaking rules.
INT LIBRARY –DAY
Nina schooling herself on vampires
INT STORE – DAY
Nina outfitting herself with Vampire protection supplies.
INT. CAFE – DAY
Nina tells her Dad she thinks Ted is a Vampire, he of course doesn’t believe her. Either she storms out or he has to go somewhere.
INT. HOME – NIGHT
Jim is re-telling Marin about Ninas crazy accusations when Ted walks in (or maybe he overhears?) This could be a funny scene where they make all sorts of jokes… Ted decides he should confront Nina.
INT. NINAS APT – NIGHT
He knocks on door…”Who’s there?” “Ted” she has left all her vampire supplies in the car….so she grabs a jar of minced garlic and holds it for protection.(funny) Ted confronts Nina. She wants him to leave her parents alone. He explains he won’t feed on her or them, they are safe…BUT…he wants her to be nicer to her mother.(choose to be nicer) He explains how his family died. This should be a pivotal scene. He also explains that there are other dangers besides him. He teaches her how she can best defend herself against vampires. He tells her he plans to confess to her parents, and then leave town for their protection.
INT. HOME – NIGHT
Jim gets call from a neighbor to come help him, leaving Marin alone.
EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT
Jim leaves just before vampires arrive. Near miss.
INT. HOME – NIGHT
The Vampires take Marin.
EXT. OUTSIDE NINAS – NIGHT
Car pulls up and grabs Ted.
INT. NINAS – NIGHT
Knock at door, she thinks it is Ted. It is other vampires-struggle/they take her.
INT. MANSION – NIGHT
The Vampire Elders confront Ted. BIG ULTIMATUM for Ted.
INT. HOME – NIGHT
Jim comes home, Marin is gone. He thinks she just ran an errand, not worried. Calls Nina, she doesn’t pick up….not worried…but odd. Texts
INT. MANSION – NIGHT
The Vampire Elders confront Ted. BIG ULTIMATUM (More of this scene) Ted leaves
INT. HOME – NIGHT
Ted arrives home…immediately smells that other vampires were there- freaks out. Jim enters concerned…Ted-asks where Marin is. Ted realizes she has been taken, what about Nina? Not picking up…we need to check on her….I’ll explain on the way.
INT. CAR – NIGHT
Driving to Ninas…speeding….Ted tells Jim all (the vampire stuff and the “you are the first family I’ve known” stuff)…Jim is speechless
INT. NINAS – NIGHT
They arrive, she is gone- obvious struggle. What will they do…they could be anywhere if they are still alive. Wait…is her phone here? Do you have tracking on it? They track her location thru phone. .
EXT. CAR – NIGHT
Speeding to location
INT. DARK UNDERGROUND PLACE – NIGHT
Nina wakes super concerned about her Mom (first time we see emotion towards her mom) Marin “comes to”. They are tied up and alone. Nina has to bring Marin up to speed on Ted being a vampire.
INT. CAR – NIGHT
It is Jims turn to talk and ask questions as they drive.
INT. DARK UNDERGROUND PLACE – NIGHT
Vampires come in give them a choice…die or become vampires. They discuss options.
INT. CAR – NIGHT
More Jim and Ted talking?? Maybe about Marin and Nina.
INT. DARK UNDERGROUND PLACE – NIGHT
Nina and Marin fighting about options, they have opposite views (do a pro-con list) turns into Marin asking why Nina hates her so much.
EXT. ABANDONED LOCATION – NIGHT
Ted and Jim arrive, Ted schools Jim on what they will come up against.
INT. DARK UNDERGROUND PLACE – NIGHT
Nina breaks down and explains she was date-raped but couldn’t tell her Mom because of her job and the disgrace plus it would break Dads heart. etc… Nina has always felt so angry and so guilty. Marin crying, so sorry. She confesses her own secret. She was attacked when pregnant, lost baby boy-unable to have more from the attack…couldn’t tell your father (he thinks I just mis-carried)…he always wanted a son. Nina speechless. (break up the above with scenes of Ted and Jim trying to find them)
INT. DARK UNDERGROUND PLACE – NIGHT
(all of the below will be in various parts of the underground compound)
-Vampires come and take the girls to another room. The girls see Ted and Jim. They have to stall.
-Jim and Ted make a plan.
-They start executing the plan.
-Nina and Marin stalling.
-Plan goes sideways.
-Sacrifices are offered up…from all parties (all are willing to sacrifice for the others)
-Vampires frustrated.
-Unexpected interruption –The Nun(s) arrive
-the escape and chase and escape.
EXT. OUTDOORS/NO COVER IN SIGHT – DAWN
They come up out of ground thru a metal “port” which slams down & locks leaving them above ground. How will they hide him from the sun?
INT. DARK UNDERGROUND PLACE – NIGHT
Nuns facing off vampires. Head Nun looks at watch it shows it should be dawn, sun coming up.
EXT. OUTDOORS/NO COVER IN SIGHT – DAWN
Jim, Marin, Nina, and Ted huddle together. The sun is about to come up and Ted will die. They are all devastated but there is nothing they can do. They are saying their final words. They try to cover him with all their clothes and their bodies to protect him from the sun.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT (50+ years in Future)
Ted is telling 2 teenagers (approx. 18yr old twins) what happened when the sun came up, they protected him and took him into their home, “old” Nina(she is the twins grandmother) walks up behind the chair behind him as he talks. She adds that they are now old enough to be told the family secret. The family now runs an empire that is environmentally conscious and focused on elevating the good in humanity. They started a blood donation center… to provide non-violent blood supply and rehab vampires to help humans.
**Could set up a new emerging threat at end for a sequel.
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Jennifer’s Pass 9: Flag Scenes to Elevate
WHAT I LEARNED:
There are little odds and ends that I’m still going to be refining going forward, and this was a useful pass through the outline for me.
WHAT CAN BE IMPROVED:
I’m going to take a shortcut just this one time and note that my outline has several TBC (to be confirmed) sections that I have been working on. Some still need work that will require more time than I had for this assignment, and one in particular might entail a rewrite of several scenes. To avoid doing that for now, I will note that several scenes in Act 2 especially needed to be tightened, and then in early Act 3 the implications of those Act 2 scenes needed work as well. I’m posting an updated outline below, but I know it will still need some work. But I need to do that when I can really dig into rewriting a large chunk of Act 3 and compare it with the current version to see if it’s worth making the larger shift.
PLOT IN STRUCTURE:
OPENING:
Jessica loses to Amanda and Ethan in the last round of the Young Philosophers Think-off. Judges declare Amanda the winner, but Jessica and Ethan are neck and neck. Jessica is crushed and kicks herself for not going for it in the final round.
INT. SCHOOL GYM — DAY
Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan compete in the last round of the Young Philosophers Think-off. These aren’t your average high school students slinging around high-level philosophical concepts. Judges declare Amanda the winner, but Jessica and Ethan are neck and neck.
INT. JESSICA’S HOUSE — MORNING
While drinking their morning coffee, Jessica’s parents do a round of reverse engineering to determine why Jessica lost. We learn that Jessica’s parents are politicians (father is mayor or something like that, mother is a US senator), and her father wants to teach Jessica all the greasy ways he used to get ahead. Jessica’s mother isn’t impressed by that but still tells Jessica to focus on the goal, part of which is to go to Chapman U and create a “power base.” Jessica’s father confirms he and Jessica will go on a hike the next day. She balks, but he reminds her it was always her favorite, that it will be relaxing because she “knows it like the back of her hand.”
Later:
INT. JESSICA’S ROOM — NIGHT
Jessica kicks herself for hesitating in the final round. Why didn’t she just go for it? She’s stressed almost to the point of unhinged. She looks out her window and sees her younger neighbor Jillian looking at her timidly from her own bedroom window. Jillian looks away instantly when caught.
INCITING INCIDENT:
A prestigious new scholarship competition for one lucky junior is announced. Jessica processes her competition and realizes this is her chance to get ahead despite her complete disregard for other people’s feelings to date. She, Amanda, and Ethan are the clear frontrunners.
INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM — DAY
Jessica and Amanda learn of the prestigious scholarship to Chapman U for one service-oriented junior before AP Literature class. Jessica instantly starts jotting down thoughts on how to win and texts her father that they need to make a plan, but doubts herself when Amanda mentions she’s already fulfilled many of the scholarship’s public service requirements and Jessica has not, instead focusing on her tech skills (establishes tech expertise). How can Jessica look the part of the good citizen and stat? Her secret hatred of Amanda and Ethan becomes clear, knowing that the three of them are the clear frontrunners.
BY PAGE 10:
We know that Jessica is on a mission to win at the competition and life in general at all costs. (We just don’t know which costs that entails yet.) She has her father as an ally.
FIRST TURNING PT AT END OF ACT 1:
The first phase of the scholarship competition requires applicants to complete a service project. Jessica works to make herself look better to the judges.
INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA — DAY
Jessica does service project (chocolate truffle fundraiser for children’s charity). She literally forces a low-level (rankwise) scholarship competitor out of helping so she looks better because it’s easier to pick on the “little guy” rather than a true peer. Amanda notices and defends the competitor’s actions, noticing that the competitor isn’t likely to outrank either of them in the scholarship competition. Jessica starts preparing for next “achievement” while still at event.
EXT. RACE EVENT SIGNUP TABLE — DAY
A couple days later Jessica sits at table signing people up for a charity race while sporting her own number for the race. Jessica walks up to get her number and casually notes that she, Amanda, Ethan, and 3-4 others are leading in the competition according to her inside source. She casually mentions oversleeping and hasn’t prepared for the race, which angers Jessica. Neighbor Jillian comes up, Jessica says a snarky hi, and Jillian runs in the race as well. Jessica walks away from the table to warm up for the race and seethes secretly to her father (mother is rarely there), who reminds her to save some of this anger to push through at the end of the race, harping on followthrough and showing outwardly that she’s calm and cool. “Act the part, dear.”
EXT. RACE FINISH LINE — DAY
Jessica sails past other runners (including a teacher who cheerfully says “It’s all for a good cause”) including a runner from another school — another scholarship competitor — who is hurt. Others stop to help the guy out while Jessica secretly mocks them for being weak in a voice mimicking her mother. In V.O. we hear Jessica share her desire to win and her anger at the current scholarship situation. Amanda has been running the race but gives up cheerfully and walks instead. Jessica can’t understand how she can be so blase about losing. Ethan comes from behind to beat Jessica while we hear her V.O. hesitance as she thinks through her anger toward her scholarship competitors, which slows her down because she’s lost in thought and holds back at the end. Ethan and Amanda discuss Jessica being on the verge of cracking from the pressure, bond over that and their own admissions of fear of failure.
EXT. RACE EVENT OFFICIALS’ STAND — DAY
Jessica secretly turns Amanda in on a strange technicality (either accidentally curses under her breath or wears ear buds and listens to music, which are both against the rules), so she loses her standing in the race. She laughs it off, which angers Jessica as she attempts to convince Amanda how important this was for Amanda’s standing in the competition. Projection much?
INT. JESSICA’S BEDROOM — NIGHT
Jessica reads book on how to best others verbally. We see a stack of books like How to Win Friends and Influence People and acting books. V.O. Jessica shares that even though her parents have been grilling her like she’s in court for years, she’s decided to add to her rhetorical repertoire to include the subtle art of manipulation. Her mother thinks books like these mean she’s trying too hard, but Jessica doesn’t want to leave anything to chance. She knows she’s not likeable the way she is.
MIDPOINT:
Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan are on the short list for scholarship. Jessica shows she’s willing to do far more to prove her superiority but pulls back before crushing the competition. Amanda and Ethan start to team up.
INT. SCHOOL ACTIVITY ROOM — EVENING
Amanda and Ethan discuss Jessica and themselves being 3 of the 6 semifinalists left in the competition while waiting for a history academic competition to start. They are concerned with Jessica’s behavior, decide to keep an eye on her. Jessica enters with stacks of notes and reviews her flashcards intensely. V.O. shares her insistence that she deserves this win. Jillian is a junior member of Jessica’s school team.
Later:
Jessica competes with Amanda on her team (Ethan is there as moral support for Amanda; they are getting closer), and when the opponent reveals a tiny weakness, Jessica twists the knife in the guy’s insecurity using a tactic she just learned from her book. He manages to answer correctly, winning the competition, but only barely. Jessica is visibly frustrated it didn’t work, knowing how close she came to succeeding, tries to put on a stone face but doesn’t manage it.
INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM — DAY
Amanda quietly checks on Jessica to ask if she’s OK after losing the night before. Jessica hisses a mean response, but softens in how she looks at Amanda. In V.O. Jessica shares that she can’t let herself get soft, practices the technique that didn’t work in the academic competition in the previous scene. (We need to see this play out in an upcoming scene TBC.)
SECOND TURNING PT AT END OF ACT 2:
After “helping” another competitor get disqualified for the scholarship, Jessica realizes that just beating or eliminating her opponents isn’t actually making her look good in the eyes of the scholarship committee. She has to try the principle of “Be magnanimous” that she learned from her book, needs to look convincingly kind outwardly and show good sportsmanship regardless of how she feels inside. If that doesn’t work, she will have to take drastic action.
INT. SCHOOL GYM — NIGHT
Jessica runs important fundraiser at homecoming dance (she has forced her way into leadership as a junior) while two other scholarship competitors help out. She is there alone with no allies so she talks to Amanda briefly, who came with Ethan. She catches two other competitors making out, which is against the morality clause of the scholarship, and then …
INT. PUBLIC BATHROOM — NIGHT
Jessica tips off the dance chaperone and anonymously notifies the scholarship committee that the other competitors have done something against the rules. She smiles. Jillian sees her there but walks away quickly when observed.
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY — DAY
Ms. Sarah Collins (teacher on scholarship committee) looks on with concern as Jessica verbally abuses Jillian and accuses Jillian of stalking her, then turns around to greet Amanda cheerfully.
INT. JESSICA’S HOUSE — DAY
While Jessica’s mother drills her on facts for the next academic competition as Jessica stuffs items into bag for charity, Jessica interrupts to note that just eliminating competitors isn’t working and that she’s trying to show her commitment to service outwardly. Her mother encourages her to “think outside the box.” How can Jessica get ahead? A gleam in her eyes.
INT. JESSICA’S ROOM — NIGHT
How to beat them? Oppo research. Jessica types up a detailed analysis of Amanda and Ethan. But she also needs something else to help her shine.
INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM — DAY
Jessica speaks conspiratorially with Amanda to befriend her, an act of manipulation using rules Jessica has learned through her reading. Caught up in the moment, Amanda accidentally reveals info that makes Jessica jealous and shares that Ethan has a deadly food allergy to hazelnuts like a news story that just popped up on her phone.
EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT — NIGHT
Jessica works to befriend Ethan before a competition. He mentions a recent win that gives him more points toward the scholarship. He is in first, Amanda in second, and Jessica in third place for scholarship. Ethan sees through Jessica while Amanda does not, not exactly anyway. Jessica scans lines for an audition of some sort.
CRISIS:
All other students besides Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan have been eliminated from the competition. Jessica is more committed to winning than ever, but Amanda or Ethan continue to best her. She’s going to have to go outside her comfort zone.
INT. SCHOOL — DAY
Jessica submits another justification (TBC) for why she should win scholarship, thinking it will get her ahead.
INT. SCHOOL LUNCHROOM — DAY
Two days later, Jessica checks her phone and sees scores have updated, but she’s still in third place. Her world is rocked. What can she do to push things over the top?
INT. BOOKSTORE — DAY
Jessica buys a stack of true crime, chemistry, and medical books in cash while wearing a cap and plain sweatshirt/hoodie. Ms. Mitchell is also there and sees her, is going to say hello and hesitates. Jillian lurks in the background and takes a photo of the books Jessica just bought. Jessica doesn’t see either one and leaves.
INT. JESSICA’S BEDROOM — NIGHT
Jessica starts overachieving at trying to find a way to kill herself by overresearching different methods, getting overwhelmed, and resolving to do X (funny — possibly writing a program to help her make the decision of how to do it). Just as she gets started trying to follow through, her father walks in and gives her a creepy pep talk about going the extra mile and needing this win. Jessica smiles weakly and puts away what she was about to do. Her mother interrupts to talk political strategy with her father and says to her, “You’ve got to put yourself in front, Jessica. No one will do it for you.”
CLIMAX:
Jessica is on a mission to win now at all costs.
INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY — DAY
Jessica runs a protocol on the library computer that makes her work totally anonymous and shuts down the video camera. She then forges something implicating Ethan doing something unethical TBC and forwards it to Ms. Collins.
INT. CLASSROOM — DAY
Ms. Collins speaks seriously to Amanda and Jessica about Ethan’s sudden elimination. Amanda is upset for Ethan and mentions being worried about Jessica’s parents putting pressure on her. Jessica is grateful but also too proud to admit it. V.O. Jessica lets us know she hadn’t counted on Amanda feeling worse because of Ethan’s elimination. Something to exploit? Then …
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY — DAY
Jessica exits classroom and sees Jillian watching her. She walks over to Jillian and tells her she doesn’t appreciate Jillian following her around. (This will link back to the materials in the book on manipulation that Jessica read, and it’s clear Jessica is getting more paranoid.) Jillian tries to defend herself, but Jessica insists Jillian back off.
EXT. JESSICA’S BACKYARD — NIGHT
Jessica sits in front of a fire burning in a fire pit. Her father peeks out at her and asks what she’s doing. Her answer: strategizing how to win. He nods his approval. Jillian looks out a window of her house and sees Jessica by the fire.
EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS — NIGHT
Jessica arrives at the school with coffees in hand for herself, Amanda, and Ethan. An academic competition is about to start. Ethan confirms what’s in the coffee to make sure it’s safe and drinks. Amanda doesn’t make it to the event at the last minute.
INT. SCHOOL GYMNASIUM — NIGHT
Jessica and Ethan help put things away after competition and walk outside to the parking lot carrying a heavy item (table, chairs).
EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT — NIGHT
Ethan has acted normal until now, but turns on Jessica once no one is looking because he knows she must have been the one to get him in trouble. He still has an “in” to get into Harvard, he says, but he really wanted Chapman and may not even get in now, never mind losing the scholarship. He asks how she did it. Jessica discusses it casually while grabbing something out of her bag. A glove and a bottle of … something. She makes sure no one is looking, puts the glove on while Ethan is wrangling the item around in his car’s trunk, and dabs the edge of the bottle carefully with one gloved finger. He is almost done loading the trunk and calls her a piece of work. She looks like she might be softening or even try to kiss him, then puts one finger up to his mouth and says, “Shhh.” He starts to feel strange instantly and breathes funny. He looks for his bag and collapses, asking Jessica to go inside and get his adrenaline shot. For a moment she is in shock, then visibly relaxes, turns on fake tears, and runs inside screaming that she needs help.
INT. SCHOOL GYMNASIUM — NIGHT
Jessica looks frantically for Ethan’s backpack and riffles through it to search for the medicine while the other couple people look on. An ambulance siren rings in the background.
INT. JESSICA’S KITCHEN — NIGHT
Jessica’s father asks how that night’s competition went while eating and reading a business magazine. She glibly says a contestant died from anaphylaxis and that it was horrible. Her mother says, “Oh?” and gets back to eating her bloody steak. Her father murmurs “Mmmm-hmmmm” and keeps reading. Jessica smiles.
INT. CLASSROOM — DAY
The next morning, Amanda is visibly shaken. Jessica leans over, buddy-buddy, and says it’s just the two of them now. Amanda tells Jessica she doesn’t have to be strong and if she ever needs to talk to someone, she’s there for Jessica. A moment of gratefulness (or is it recognition?) in Jessica’s eyes.
EXT. SCHOOL EXIT — DAY
Jessica flags down Amanda and asks if Amanda has time to talk after Ethan’s funeral, that her parents don’t understand what it’s like to lose “a peer and a friend” like Ethan. Jessica tells her where to meet (making it look coincidental, but in V.O. Jessica shares how she makes this happen).
EXT. HIKING TRAIL WITH CLIFF — DAY
Jessica and Amanda walk the trail and talk about the funeral. Amanda first tries to talk kindly to Jessica, and they talk about how Ethan died, Amanda noting how scary it must have been for him — and for Jessica to witness. Amanda asks why Jessica wants the scholarship so much. They approach the top of the trail where there is a cliff. Jessica pretends to lose her balance. Amanda attempts to help Jessica, who dodges her such that Amanda loses her balance and slips off the side of the cliff, hanging on by a thread. Jessica could help but weighs her options – help Amanda and look like a good Samaritan, which would win her points in the competition? Or let Amanda fall. We then see Jessica walking away, a self-satisfied look on her face, as Amanda struggles and slips.
RESOLUTION:
Jessica attends both rivals’ funerals, wins the competition, and rules the school. Another younger student who’s been there all along wants to follow in Jessica’s footsteps.
INT. JESSICA’S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT
Jessica convinces the police that she is innocent of Amanda’s death. The detective asks if she thinks there is a connection between the two deaths. Jessica says they were all great friends and hints that Amanda took Ethan’s death hard. Jessica’s mother and father are the picture of concerned parents while police are there. Then her mother turns to Jessica and asks if this means she’s won the scholarship, a proud smile on her face. Jessica walks into …
INT. JESSICA’S KITCHEN — NIGHT
She pours a cup of coffee, reaches into the spice cabinet and pulls out a bottle we’ve seen before, hazelnut extract, which is what she used to kill Ethan. She hums to herself, happy for a brief moment in time.
INT. CEMETERY — DAY
Jessica attends Ethan’s funeral. She drops cryptic hints that she is responsible for his death, but everyone assumes she is being hyperbolic due to grief and tries to reassure her of her innocence.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME — DAY
Jessica has taken over Amanda’s speech pattern (need to develop this in beginning) when speaking to classmates who ask how she’s holding up.
INT. SCHOOL AUDITORIUM — NIGHT
Ms. Collins announces the winner of the scholarship: Jessica. Much ado. Jessica gives a speech talking about all the service and sacrifice it took to get where she is and how taking action is critical to success. “Always be the best, and forget about the rest.” Someone asks Jessica what she hopes to do in the future. Her answer: Become the second female Senator from her state before heading to the White House. Her parents beam in the audience. In the background is another younger student, a sophomore with a gleam in her eye, who has been there all along looking on and wants to follow in Jessica’s footsteps (or possibly will go after Jessica – perhaps a bit of both), looking at her own copy of one of the books Jessica had been poring over earlier.
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Richard’s Pass 9: Flag Scenes to Elevate
What I learned doing this is… is that I am way behind in this course. I know my outline; I have already improved scenes… I will exchange feedback with another member of the group, but as of right now I am so far behind I must power on and cheat a little with these next few assignments.
As my script is set in one location for the second half of the script there isn’t much room for me to change the story that much – however, my kill sequence for the characters may change before commencing the first draft… but that decision is for another day. And I’m sure I will change my mind a few more times on that, too.
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Jodi’s Pass 9: Flag Scenes to Elevate – Day 15
I’m circling back to this assignment after our Dramatic Devices module. What I realized currently is that I have two Antagonists (not just the one), and a main character that I had created turned up being a supporting character, and one character that I originally saw as a supporting character ended up becoming one of the major characters. So, to improve upon what I have currently I am using my updated outline instead of the outline I had when Day 15 of Outlining was presented.
Problem areas:
I need to insert more of one of the Antagonists earlier in the outline.
I omitted about five scenes that weren’t necessary or didn’t help to move the story forward
Areas for Improvement:
Some scenes can have better locals, as I have a few talking head scenes that could be more interesting.
I really love one of my characters so I made her a main character at first, but in writing the story she fit better at being a supporting character.
A character I thought was a supporting character became a main character once I followed the Story Logic Web. Now, the character has a pretty decent subplot.
Going through the outline I found a couple more
places I could put a set up for later pay offs.
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