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Post Day 15 Assignment Here
Reply to post your assignment.
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9 Replies
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Matthew Frendo’s Fast Formatting!
What I learned doing this assignment is how to format exciting action scenes. I learned how to best write action dialogue (what I wrote before was way too long for an action scene) and how to best write action descriptions to keep the reader engaged.
EXT. TEMPLE – NIGHT
Chin Hzu looks around the other side of the temple and breathes a deep sigh of relief.
CHIN HZU
No one. Maybe he left–
SLUG grabs his arm harshly and points to the jungle where we see Jacob…
…along with a group of kids he is teaching.
Chin Hzu gulps, gripping the gun tight in his sweat-drenched palms.
SLUG
Now look through the sight.
Chin Hzu looks in the sight at Jacob…
…then he focuses on the kids laughing.
CHIN HZU
Kids…
Slug looks at him, irritated.
CHIN HZU
I can’t shoot kids…
BANG! BANG! BANG!
Slug empties three into the air.
We hear the sound of kids screaming and running.
SLUG
Now there are no kids.
He shrugs and motions.
Chin Hzu looks through the scope…
…but Jacob isn’t there anymore.
CHIN HZU
He’s not…
WHAM! WHAM!
Right then, he’s met with a hard kick – twice – before falling back.
Slug grips his gun and points it…
…but all he sees is darkness.
He hears a noise to the right…
…goes and checks in a bush…
…and finds a 3-foot long spider.
BANG! BANG! BANG!
He shoots at it three times in disgust.
Movement to the left…
…he fires twice and goes to find…
…Chin Hzu gripping his bleeding leg!
CHIN HZU
Asshole!
Slug aims the gun at him, when…
BANG! The gun is shot out of his hand.
He can’t see him anywhere.
SLUG
Don’t hide! Coward!
JACOB (O.S.)
What’s Nestor want?
Slug looks for him, can’t see anything.
SLUG
Nestor isn’t here. I am!
Slug eyes the gun on the ground in front of him.
JACOB
You’re nobody.
SLUG
Then come out! Don’t be afraid!
In Slug’s ear.
JACOB
I’m right behind you.
Slug immediately drops to the ground, grabs the gun…
…and fires – twice – in the darkness.
He sees Jacob’s shadow run and enter the…
INT. TEMPLE – MAIN ROOM – NIGHT
Slug runs after him. Just as he gets in, he sees Jacob run to…
INT. TEMPLE – HALLWAY – NIGHT
Slug follows him. He sees him in the hall.
BANG!
The long shot misses, but rings out through the temple. Slug hurriedly moves to the…
INT. TEMPLE – DOJO – NIGHT
This is a martial arts dojo, with weapons and images of a fierce Buddha’s and kung fu artists on the wall.
As he walks, he looks at the fierce religious figures.
He relents, unloading his weapon and putting it away.
He grabs a bo staff from the wall instead and walks in.
JACOB
I see you are a true warrior.
Jacob walks out from the darkness, sais at the ready.
JACOB
There are few of us around still.
AARGH!
Slug wastes no time talking and attacks.
He takes the bow high…
…Jacob blocks…
…takes it low…
…Jacob blocks…
…then a shot right to the eyes…
…PERFECT SHOT!
Jacob falls, temporarily blinded.
Slug raises it for a kill shot…
…Jacob brings the sais up together, crosed, to block it…
…and disarms Slug in the same move.
JACOB
Wrong move.
Slug slams his foot down on Jacob’s groin.
SLUG
That wasn’t.
Slug runs for a set of nunchucks…
…but before he gets there…
THWIP!
A sai enters his back, making him fall in a heap.
JACOB
Now, tell me about Nestor.
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Cameron Martin’s Fast Formatting!
What I learned doing this assignment is…There’s always new surprises when writing action…or screenplays in general. That description of the C-4 detonator light blinking with “ominous disdain” made my evening, it was so much fun. I learned a lot just form reading Frank Darabont’s scripts. Now I want to read more of Derek Kolstad. Gotta read more. Also, adopting the philosophy that a wide use of adverbs and adjectives indicates a poor vocabulary of verbs and nouns. One enhances the writing, the other just meets word count requirements.
(Note: Had to edit a chunk out of this. For some reason I kept having technical difficulties when I tried to post the whole thing.)
INT. 9TH FLOOR
…
A kick slams hard into JANUS’ side—
Her COPY, still holding JANUS’ hand, pulls HARD at the shoulder joint…
JANUS SLAMS her palm into her COPY’s ankle…
…And dives at her!
COPY twists—
CRACK! Her elbow knocks JANUS to the ground…
…Who leaps and stumbles back to her feet.
CALVEX’s cybernetic throat shines blue…
…The robotic corpse replaces the image of ADAM on its screen with pale blue…
…And tackles COPY…
…Who THROWS it to the ground by its HEAD…
…And TEARS the head off!
…Before chucking it at CALVEX’s face…
…who narrowly shifts…
…as he watches the computer head wiz past him.
CALVEX runs for cover. He’s no match alone.
COPY turns her attention back to JANUS…
Who’s SLAMMING a BODY down—
—Onto COPY, crushing her!
JANUS lifts the body back up again…
…And DRIVES it into her COPY…Again…And Again…
Until there’s nothing but scrap!
CALVEX looks up from rummaging through the piles.
JANUS takes a step back, analyzing her hands…
the scrap heap…
her actions…
…Before another body rises from the rest.
JANUS and CALVEX turn to the raised corpse…
…Another one rises…
JANUS and CALVEX turn…
…ANOTHER…
…THEN ANOTHER…
COPY (Coming from four different sources) – “You didn’t think it would be that easy to kill…you, did you?”
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Cameron Martin.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Cameron Martin. Reason: Had difficulty posting it. Tried posting different parts at a time to see where the issue was. Kept getting a GoDaddy firewall for some reason
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by
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Brenda Lynn’s Fast formatting!
What I learned doing this assignment is that formatting and language help communicate the action and excitement in a scene. Choosing the right verb for the action makes a huge difference.
EXT. INFINITY POOL – NIGHT
Marcus storms out of the house and over to the bar. He is about to fix a huge drink. His red phone rings.
As Lisa swims she adjusts her listening device in order to hear the other side of the conversation.MARCUS
(growls)
What?FBI
They’re set. They plan to circle the parameter in the morning.MARCUS
How the f-k did they figure it out?FBI
Do you really want me to answer that?MARCUS
Not my crew.Marcus looks over at Lisa in the pool. Even in the water she can feel his icy stare. She doesn’t break her pace.
MARCUS
Thanks for letting me know.He hangs up the phone. He quietly puts the phone in his pocket. Then he kicks one of the lounge chairs. Lisa stops swimming, comes to the edge of the pool and takes off her headphones.
LISA
Bad news?MARCUS
You could call it that.He punches the ice into the glass and splashes whisky over the cubes. Lisa walks out of the pool, wrapping herself in a thick robe and putting the gadget in her pocket.
LISA
You going to drink your troubles away.MARCUS
What the fuck do you care?LISA
To be honest with you, I have no idea why I care. But I do.MARCUS
Sorry. It’s just—I thought something was safe. Locked away. But it isn’t.Marcus slowly puts his drink down on the bar and comes around it. He gets very close to Lisa. Pulls her into him, squeezing tightly on her arms. Holding her close, he reaches into the robe pocket and pulls out the device.
MARCUS
What the hell is this?Lisa stares back at him.
LISA
The latest gadget from Japan. You wanna try it?She clicks a button on the device. Music BLARES as she attempts to put the headphones on Marcus. He shrugs her off.
MARCUS
I don’t want that crap in my ears.LISA
Anything I can do?MARCUS
I’ll think of something.He stares deeply into her eyes, searching.
LISA
I’m not sure this is a good idea. You’re angry. I don’t want you taking it out on me.MARCUS
You know me, don’t you?He walks away. Then turns back to her.
MARCUS (CONT’D)
Where’d you come from anyway?LISA
I dropped from the sky.MARCUS
I’ll just bet you did.LISA
You want I should drive tonight. Might be just the thing.Marcus holds his arm out to her.
MARCUS
Yes. It just might.Lisa walks over and takes his hand. They walk inside the house.
INT. BEDROOM – LATER
After an intense, powerful night in each other’s embrace, Lisa drops back onto the bed. Then rolls out.
MARCUS
Where you going?LISA
I told you. I have an early morning flight and I haven’t even packed.MARCUS
You did?LISA
I did. But you never listen when I tell you I’ve got to travel. I’ll be back next week.Marcus’ reaches up and strokes her arm.
MARCUS
Will you?Lisa, holding back her emotions, stares straight ahead.
LISA
Where else would I be?She buckles her belt and is gone.
INT/EXT.
Driving her red Z3 out of the drive, she sees the usual goons who follow her to her apartment building. She pulls into the lower level parking garage as they drive by the entrance.After a beat, she walks over to a solid black mini Cooper, throwing her bag in, she peels out of the garage.
Within minutes, she realizes that a big, black FBI-issue SUV is following her.
She guns up Lafayette with the SUV in hot pursuit…
…she cuts a quick left on Nola Street. SUV does the same almost tipping over the car. The suspension giving her time to turn onto narrow 4th Street, pulling quickly into a small alley…
…SUV flies down the street. She backs out and heads up 4th Street and back to Lafeyette. Feeling a moment of relief until the SUV comes racing up behind her, smacking her bumper…
…at Astor Place, she cuts across the concrete triangle reversing the direction of the chase. She turns up Third Avenue, then left onto 9th Street, driving in the wrong direction.
An oncoming cab is heading straight toward her, when she whips into an alleyway to an underground parking space…
…Jumping out of the car, she puts on a long black coat and blond wig. She searches underneath the wheel wells until she finds the tracking device. FBI-issued. She hails a cab driving by.
LISA
Tribeca?CAB DRIVER
Not going downtown this time of night.THE SUV passes by. Lisa tucks her head in the window.
LISA
Turn the meter off and take the $50.She pats the side of the cab, attaching the tracking device to the back door. The cab heads south to Tribeca.
The SUV drives by on 9th Street as Lisa strolls over to Third Avenue and hails different cab to LaGuardia Airport.
She turns and looks out the back window to watch the FBI SUV head downtown toward Tribeca.
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Rebecca’s Fast Formatting
What I learned doing this assignment is that by rewriting this scene by using the fast formatting technique, it became more exciting. On the reread, I became engrossed in the action. Amazing the energy created by these changes. I haven’t mastered it yet, but will keep on practicing.
EXT. FIELD OUTSIDE CURTISVILLE NO. 2 – DAY
Ervin waits for another half hour…still no truck. He cranks the engine.
EXT. FIELD OUTSIDE CURTISVILLE NO. 2 – CONTINUOUS
The car moves across the field.
EXT. CURTISVILLE NO. 2 – CONTINUOUS
It enters a short stretch of street …
EXT. CURTISVILLE NO 2 – CONTINUOUS
—Coal and iron police emerge …surround Ervin’s auto…he stops.
Bucholtz—mounted on a large stallion—directs the action…he nods.
A trooper approaches the car… others aim their guns
TROOPER (gruff)
Get out of the car.
Ervin complies—at 6 feet two inches towers over the man. Bucholtz nods…second trooper aims his gun at Ervin’s chest.
TROOPER (gruff)
Show me your pass.
Ervin searches his pocket…pulls out the pass…it drops from his hand. The officer holds out his open palm.
TROOPER
I asked to see your pass.
Ervin picks up the paper…hands it to the trooper…who runs it to Bucholtz. He glances at the document … moves in closer.
BUCHOLTZ
So, we meet again carpenter. This is a Russellton pass, not good for Curtisville. You are trespassing on Ford Colliery property.
ERVIN
I’m just crossing to the public road over there.
He points to a road less than 20 feet away.
BUCHOLTZ
On company property, come with us.
ERVIN
I thought…
A young trooper pokes a gun into the Ervin’s spine…he stiffens.
ERVIN
Russellton’ s not your jurisdiction.
BUCHOLTZ (slow, deliberate, cold)
My jurisdiction is wherever I am. You can come with us without trouble or we can shoot you — your choice.
Ervin raises his arms in surrender.The trooper attaches shackles and cuffs … shoves him into the car.
INT STABLE LOCKUP CURTISVILLE NO. 1 — LATER
Bucholtz ties the prisoner to a post near one of the horse stalls. He unleashes his famous whip from the hook on his belt …demonstrates his skill and accuracy…loud cracking noises slice through the air…Ervin struggles against his ties.
BUCHOLTZ
You escaped death once.
Bucholtz shoots a “not this time” look at Ervin. He freezes — resolute about his fate.
BUCHOLTZ
Irishman, remove the prisoner’s shirt.
A trooper steps forward …rips the garment down to around the man’s waist … moves away.
Long scars criss cross Ervin’s back. Bucholtz runs a finger over the widest, sensing its thickness and texture. He steps back…raises the whip.
SNAP! SWOOSH! SLICE!
—the lash tears across the scars
—BLOOD oozes
— Ervin winces … remains stoic.
BUCHOLTZ
Scream, curse me, FIGHT.
Ervin remains unresponsive.
ERVIN
NO! Violence begets violence.
SWISH!
—the whip rears up.
—Ervin’s eyes snap shut …muscles tense…breath deepens.
SNAP!
—braided leather bites through flesh.
— Agitated horses stomp, snort, and whinny.
LASH! LASH! LASH!
—three slices…raw flesh…oozing blood
—Bucholtz’s face contorts with each snap of the whip and bite of flesh.
—Ervin’s skin shreds into bloody lines that dissect older scars…He winces at each blow…clenches his jaw.
—Bucholtz freezes…arm overhead…eyes enlarged…unfocused.
—His faces twists in horror like seeing Old Nick himself or one of his minions.
—He throws down the bloody whip…stomps outside.
Stunned silence falls upon the stable. The horses quit their stomping and snorting. TROOPER — second in command—takes charge
TROOPER
Irishman, cut the carpenter down and throw him in the lockup with the other poor sick bastard.
IRISHMAN (belligerent)
My name is Cooney.
COONEY cuts the binds and lowers Ervin to the ground, helps him to a standing position and to the cell. Ervin steps inside…Cooney lands a swift hard punch his mid-section under the ribs… Ervin crumbles to the sawdust…UNCONSCIOUS.
Cooney locks the cell and hands the keys to the main jailer, older, taller and not too smart.
COONEY
Let’s get up a game.
Cooney, Trooper, and the jailer pull up stools and buckets around a bale of hay. The jailer shuffles the deck, moves it towards Cooney who cuts it. The jailer deals the cards, bets are made, the game commences.
COONEY
I finished the job. That carpenter won’t be causing us any trouble tonight, other prisoner’s half-dead.
The men check their cards.
TROOPER
Nope, boss will. He’ll get drunk as a skunk tonight, pass out, wake up mean as a snake. Tomorrow he’ll KILL the poor bastard. As usual, we get to clean up the mess. I never saw anyone like him…a man who won’t fight.
COONEY
I wonder how long the company will keep boss around?
No one answers as they each arrange their cards.
COONEY (CONT.)
Once I become a boxing champ, I’m out of this hell hole.
JAILER
You that good?
COONEY (IRRITATED)
Yes you dumb twit, I win most my matches.
Cooney remains stoic while viewing his winning hand.
TROOPER
You as good as that pug boxing in the coal towns last spring?
He’s about your size. He took on all comers either bare fisted or gloved, beat-em all. You done that?
Cooney scrunches his face, offended.
COONEY
I train at a top gym…don’t fight amateurs…only professionals.
EXT. HANDCAR ON RAILROAD NEAR CURTISVILLE – SAME TIME
Ragman and Albert’s slow their pumping as they sneak into town.
INT CURTISVILLE LOCK UP AND STABLE – CONTINUOUS
The men throw down their cards…Cooney lays out his hand. He scrapes his winnings to the pile of coins in front of him.
TROOPER
Yintz, play without me. I’m gonna go check on the boss.
He leaves. Cooney counts his winnings.
JAILER
Time to check the prisoners.
BANG! …The stable door bursts open…Ragman stands in the doorway armed with a shotgun…Albert moves in behind.
RAGMAN (booming)
Stand away from that cell you god-damned sonofabitch or I’ll blow you apart.
Cooney looks up … jumps to his feet …coins scatter across floor…Ragman swivels his gun between the jailer and Cooney, and back again.
RAGMAN
You with the keys stand still. One move…you BOTH are dead men.
Startled the jailer freezes in place. Albert snatches the key ring from his belt.
ALBERT
Irv, you Ok?
—Albert approaches the cell.
—Trooper enters behind Ragman… grabs at him from behind…gun flies through the air into the horse stalls…the stallion rears up.
—Cooney rushes Albert…Albert throws the keys into the cell.
—Ragman and Trooper wrestle towards the horses.
STOMP! BANG! BRAY!
The horses look for escape.
—Albert, fists up, moves to fighting stance…Cooney does the same…the jailer blocks his way.
SLAM!
Cooney thrusts the dimwit aside…he lands against the bars… slithers to the floor.
COONEY
Dumb shit.
Cooney moves in for action … lands a few solid punches to Albert’s midsection…Albert weaves.
THUMP! THUMP!
Cooney lands two more blows…Albert bobs.
—Cooney’s offensive dissolves to defensive mode—Albert deflects blow after blow… he strikes at Cooney.
WOMP! WOMP! THUMP!
Punches land like sledge hammers on Cooney’s mid-section and shoulder.
BOOM!
Cooney slams against hard steel of the lockup…his thumbs go for Albert’s eyes …Albert ducks… Cooney connects with Albert’s mouth…lip bleeds. Albert secures several jabs…
CRACK!
A forceful upper cut lands under Cooney’s jaw…knees buckle…
THUD!
Cooney’s body falls…unconscious.
INT. HORSE-STALL – CONTINUOUS
Ragman fights off his attacker with a horse bit and reigns …he moves to retrieve his gun…Trooper pushes Ragman aside…
—Ragman slings the bit…hits man’s neck…he rushes Ragman.
—Albert pulls Trooper backwards…he swipes…misses.
—Ragman slides into the stall to retrieve the gun…the horse rears up, flails its hooves…Ragman backs off…grabs a nearby hay rake…pulls the gun to the safety.
Albert lands a punch to Trooper’s midsection…body fall and out. Ervin hands Albert the keys…he unlocks the cell.
ALBERT
Let me help you up. You don’t look so good.
ERVIN
Take care of the other prisoner first. He’s in rougher shape.
Albert checks the prisoner.
ALBERT
Sorry brother, he’s DEAD.
Albert and Ragman drag the unconscious troopers into the lockup. They pull Ervin to standing and out of the jail. Albert locks the door…tosses the keys to the horses. Ragman and Albert help Ervin limp out of the stable.
INT CURTISVILLE LOCK UP AND STABLE – LATER
Three unconscious men lay on the floor inside the locked jail cell. Cold air from the open stable door teases them awake. Cooney rolls to one side, focuses his eyes, The stable is empty except for the horses. Cooney grabs the bars…pulls to standing…rattles the locked door. Humiliation and rage flood his face.
SHRIEK
Cooney screams…shakes the bars.
EXT. RAILROAD – SAME TIME
Ragman and Albert pump the handcar. Ervin rides shotgun. The car speeds down the tracks.
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Ramelle’s Fast Formatting
What I learned is giving more of the story to the best fitting format needed.
Int Los Angeles District Attorney’s Office
County has replaced Cinnamon Johnson with Kern County DA Sam Snicker who has been given public disapproval for his light sentencing for violent crimes.
Cinnamon: Good Day everyone, I have had to take time off
Snicker: <Interrupts> You cannot just bounce in here and ask for your job back.
Cinnamon: Someone burned my house down; I escaped but now I am back, the people want me back
Commissioner Vincent Harris: Yes, Cinnamon we need you back. You will do an interview and discuss the hardship that you lost your home and now you are ready to be back to serve the people. We welcome you back.
Cinnamon: Yes, I will do whatever I have to do to come back.
Cinnamon leaves to go downstairs but is accosted by the Media. She walks into the elevator and is followed closely behind and into the elevator. (Young Reporter)
TV Reporter: Mrs. Johnson, if you could please tell us or give insight into your trauma.
Cinnamon: I will speak about why I took time off, my mother, and will let everyone know.
Press Conference=The podium…Cinnamon steps up
Cinnamon: My apologies to my beautiful city but after my home was set on fire, my life was believed to be in danger. I also found out I was pregnant. I don’t want to keep talking…..screech
The mike suddenly begins to screech
Shots are fired
People started screaming, running, scurrying… Cinnamon is rushed out of the Press Conference
Police return the fire then the gunman ceases.
Cinnamon is shielded by police officers but can’t see the gunman.
…Cinnamon is angry… All teeth no grin. Barbaric in her stance.
The police are strategically telling the gunman to drop the weapon.
Cinnamon has a gun in hand she walks directly in front of the police.
The gunman is revealed.
It is Rick Devin in plain view sight.
He swiftly places a gun to his head as he sees Cinnamon.
Cinnamon: RICK
Rick Devin: Cinnamon, I’m sorry; I had to do this. I had so much debt, I was working for your dad. I was his accountant, but I wanted his life and his wife, so I rigged the car and got you out before it was too late. I’m sorry, I cannot live this lie anymore. I will really die. Set your mom free, she had nothing to do with this. This was all me.
Cinnamon (CRYing) You took my daddy from me, Why?
Rick Devin (CRYING) I am sorry, he walks towards her, and she fires
…BOOM…
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Subject line: Joan Edwards’ Fast formatting! (Nail Biting Action Description)
What I learned doing this assignment is these descriptions really add awe to the script. Sometimes in writing a scene, it backfires and the Villain outsmarts your Hero. Then you have to add more stamina and guts to the situation.
1. Write an Action scene for your project that includes each of these formatting techniques.
A. Basic Formatting
B. Dash or Ellipsis?
C. Sound, then Explanation
D. Mixing Sluglines into Action
E. Stacking Action
F. Stacking Dialogue2. Choose images, actions, and sounds that make this scene visceral!
Final Scene
MISSION 9 Ansaca and Bladen meet face to face at Ansaca’s ranch. Ansaca has a briefcase with him. Bladen gets the briefcase. Police Chief arrests Ansaca. They discover evidence is not in the briefcase.
Bladen figures that Ansaca must have the information at his home. When he gets to Ansaca’s home, he sees Ansaca coming out the door. He’s been hiding behind the big 100 year old tree.
EXT. OUTSIDE ANSACA’S HOME
Bladen hides behind tall wide tree. When Ansaca runs down the porch steps, Bladen jumps behind him. He twiets his arms behind him.
CRACK
ANSACA: What the hell?
Bladen twists Ansaca’s arms behind him.
CRACK CRACK CRACK
Bladen breaks 3 fingers. Ansaca lets go of the briefcase.
SWISH
Ansaca jumps and knees Bladen. Bladen drops the briefcase.
Ansaca runs to the barn. Comes out the back on a black stallion. He has trouble staying on the horse because of his broken fingers on his right hand.
Bladen chases him. The police chief follows in his jeep.
It starts thundering and lightning. Ansaca’s horse whinnies and bucks him off.
Bladen catches him.
SPLASH SQUISH SPLASH
Mud squishes under and over their shoes.
SLIP SLOP
Both men slip and drop into the mud. Each time they get up, they fall back down.
Bladen uses a rope and ties Ansaca’s arms behind him.
SIRENS.
The police chief comes. He jumps out of the car running towards Bladen.
Bladen pushes Ansaca to the chief. Chief puts handcuffs on him and shoves him into the backseat of the police car.
Bladen gets inside car out of the rain and looks in briefcase.
He calls chief on phone.
BLADEN: It’s not here.
CHIEF: What?
BLADEN: He tricked us.
BLADEN: It’s empty!!!
HA HA! HEE! HEE!
ANSACA burst out laughing.
BLADEN to CHIEF: Go to STEP 3. It’s a must now..
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Diana T. Black… Fast Formatting
What I learned doing this assignment is I can tighten up the text to heighten the sense of urgency in the scene and thereby increase the pace. I tend to use ellipsis a lot and I need to vary this by incorporating other formatting techniques, especially in action scenes.
The scene sequence following starts off with basic formatting then quickly launches into a tight action sequence that incorporates other action formats – dashes, stacking action and finishes via stacking dialogue. This is from a different screenplay “Going Alone”… optioned but the first time Producer couldn’t garner the funds ☹
I/E. DOWNTOWN CAFE (SAN FRANSISCO ) – DAY
CAFE PATRONS eating breakfast. Anh and Minzhe at an inside table next to the window.
Hanh watches them from the bus stop beyond the café. Minzhe glances in his direction.
MINZHE
Does your brother need
to monitor us this closely?
Anh looks pointedly in Hanh’s direction – he looks away.
ANH
I don’t get it either…
perhaps if we ignore him.
MINZHE
I’m hardly a boogie-man.
ANH
He thinks you abandoned me.
Minzhe looks hurt. Anh takes his hand.
ANH
Besides, he’s head of the family now
— he’s supposed to be grumpy.
They LAUGH.
Her napkin falls to the ground. As she bends down to retrieve it a bullet SHATTERS the glass in front of them – hitting Minzhe in the neck – blood SPATTERS across the table and on Anh’s blouse.
Cafe patrons SCREAM, diving for cover under tables.
Anh GASPS as Minzhe’s head sinks into her lap — bleeding bad. She presses her napkin against his neck.
ANH
HELP! SOMEONE HELP ME!
EXT. BUS STOP NEAR CAFÉ – CONTINUOUS
Hanh traces the trajectory — Quyen makes eye contact then turns and runs… glancing back at Hanh while running, he barrels into the path of a car — hitting the side mirror.
He parkours over the hood — the gun flies out of his hand and hits the road. It FIRES — SHATTERING the car’s windshield.
Quyen lands on his feet and runs. Hanh in pursuit.
EXT. DOWNTOWN CAFÉ – CONTINUOUS
Anh cradles Minzhe’s head in her lap — pressing wads of napkins against his neck. A WAITRESS hovering over her, supplies more.
ANH
Stay with me Minzhe! Minzhe!
The Ambulance is coming.His eyes open — glazed. Struggling to BREATHE.
ANH
Minzhe! You stay with… Minzhe!
The ambulance arrives — PARAMEDIC #1 starts working on him. PARAMEDIC #2 wheels the gurney between the tables. They place him in the back of the ambulance and drive off — siren BLARING.
Anh, stands alone on the footpath — the lower half of her dress and her blouse covered in blood. She looks around for Hanh.
EXT. DEAD-END ALLEY (SAN FRANSISCO) – DAY
Hanh, BREATHING HARD — listens.
SILENCE except for the HUM of distant traffic.
He walks further into the dark alley…tries the few doors available — locked. Walking back towards the entrance of the alley, he turns around.
HANH
(thunders)
I’ll find you! No matter what it takes!
He listens with a murderous glare – SILENCE. He walks off.
INT. BASEMENT/ABANDONED BUILDING – CONTINUOUS
Quyen crouches underneath a dingy stairwell. His BREATHING labored. A COUGH forces him to clutch his side — wincing with pain.
INT. ROSALIND’S CAR – DAY
Rosalind behind the wheel — dodging through the peak-hour traffic. Anh beside her — glazed eyes, in shock.
ROSALIND
Apex Critical Care? Is that what they said?
Anh? Anh?! Focus!
ANH
Hanh!
Rosalind hot-keys Rhain’s number. No answer.
ROSALIND
Fuck, where the hell is he?!
Rosalind’s cell — incoming – puts it “on speaker”.
HANH (V.O.)
Anh! Is she OK? Where are you?
Anh SOBS
ROSALIND
We’re heading to Apex Critical Care.
Contact Alby. He’ll pick you up.HANH
I lost him. Be there soon as I can.
ROSALIND
Where is Rhain? Hanh?!
Phone connection lost. Rosalind SLAMS the steering wheel.
-
EXT/INT. CAR CHASE – AFTERNOON
Several cars are chasing the car with NINA and the operatives. BRUCE are driving. A silver car drived by the thug hangs back in the chase. ARON sits next to him, shooting away at the black car next to them and hitting the driver in the head. The black car looses control and with a wild turn runs into a metal pole bringing it to a complete standstill.
BRUCE
Grunts …in annoyance.
From behind Bruce SLY stops shooting at the black car hanging on to their tail lights and look across him to NINA. Nina are looking weak, dehydrated and disheveled. With every movement of the car she are tossed about. She looks at him pleadingly. The next moment the black car rams into them from behind as a white bakkie ram them from the side. Nina and Sly slams into the front seats and Aron into the dash.
SLY
Shit!!! Bruce you need to loose these guys now!
BRUCE
Gritting through his teeth.
Trying bro…
Aron motion to Bruce to speed up. As they catch up with the white bakkie he sprays it with bullets ripping through their windows and windshield. The once smooth white sides shatters into pockmarks bursting glass and shrapnel all over the road and the thugs inside. The one in the passenger seat turns around and start to fire through the now vacant back window.
ARON
Bruce get met closer!
Bruce looks into his side mirror seeing the silver car hanging back just behind the black car who are trying to push him from the left side into the white bakkie, he step on the petrol some more speeding them forward.
ARON
Pull the pin from a grenade and toss it onto the back of the bakkie.
Brace!
Seeing the grenade, Bruce brake with force leaving the black car and white bakkie serving into each other just as the grenade explodes. Flames erupt and several fragments and pieces of car are propelled into them and their surrounding area. He swerves to miss a piece of tire and turn into the next side street. Now it is only the silver car left.
SLY
Slaps Aron from the back on his shoulder.
Nice tossing A!
He looks back making sure no one else are following them.
Were clean.
Nina looks relieved.
NINA
No more surprises, can Krueger just get the message and back off.
The silver car catches up to them and pull in next to them matching their speed. Nina SCREAMS, pointing at the silver car.
Look out!
As he passes Bruce and the driver nods to each other and he move in front of their car. Bruce reduces his speed and start to follow the silver car.
ARON
He could have helped a bit you know…
SLY
Give it a rest A.
NINA
What are going on, Sly are we following that car. That are one of Krueger’s men, he was just shooting at us minutes ago!
PAUSES a moment.
Guys?
SLY
Not now Nina…
Confusion are clear on her face. The three operatives ignore her. Bruce looks back at her in the mirror making eye contact but don’t acknowledge her in any way. Sly just exchange a look of worry with Aron, before focusing his attention on the silver car and their surroundings. Realization dawns on Nina’s face, disbelief, horror and shock alternates on her face.
NO!
Instantly she fumbles with her seatbelt and in the same time reaches out to open the door. Sly in one smooth moment slides across the back seat and pull the fighting Nina away from the door.
SLY
NINA!
She are weak but fights on, pushing and hitting him wherever she find a open spot. He blocks her blows and then pull her into his chiseled chest holding her arms down next to her body. She thrashes against him and kicks Aron from behind. Aron catches her legs and hold them tight between the two seats. Realizing the futility of her attempt to escape she stops her thrashing but SCREAMS in frustration. The operatives keep their hold. The cars turns into an old factory yard and pull into the abandoned factory building. Nina start to vomit but there are no fluids left in her body and dry RETCHING sounds fill the sudden silence. The operatives let go of her and file out of the car. Bruce locks the car and they meet up with the thug. Nina heaves gulps of air forcing the retching to calm a bit. Nausea lies at the back of her throat with the bitter taste of betrayal. She watches in horror as they shake hands and talk like long lost buddies. Why did they betray her, was it for the money? How can this be.
NINA
Mumbles softly to herself, defeat and hurt showing on her face.
Was it for the money?
A sob mixed with a drowning sound burst from her lips as she slumps back into the seat. Moments later Bruce unlocks the car and open her car door. Nina scoots back away from him, only to land into the arms of Aron who opened the other door. Easily he pulls her from the car.
ARON
Nina, will you calm down!
With fury she pulls her arm out of his grasp and without looking at him or Bruce walks to Sly who is motioning her into a room. She marches past him with her last strength. She will not give them the satisfaction of seeing that they have won. They broke her spirit with this betrayal.
As she walks inside she looks for any possible means of escape. The room are disheveled but clean and clearly lived in. The second hand furniture have seen better days, but she can see no obvious ways of escape. The thug turns from a cupboard holding a medical kit. He smiles and start to prepare a drip bag. Sly pushes her down in the only armchair available.
Sly, Aron and Bruce position themselves around her.
SLY
Nina you may know this man…
Thug turns around and remove his baseball cap, wig and glasses. Nina looks at him a moment and shakes her head.
Look again Nina.
She lifts her head looking at him. He slowly sits down in the chair in front or her. With her right hand he reaches into his pocket and take out a bag of salt and vinegar crisps. Her pupils start to dilate and her mouth opens screaming but no sound escapes. Ripping open the packet the crinkly sounds erupts as loud as gunfire in her ears. She starts to shake and tremble her body jerking as if bullets are ripping through it, piercing her with it’s very sound. The hateful aroma of salt and vinegar immediately saturates the air around her. Instinctively she holds onto her breath…
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. LAB – THAT MOMENT
A young Nina is sitting on a chair next to a big machine. With hate on her face she looks on as a guard brutally shoves her sinewy father to a machine. You know the drill professor. No work, no child… He moves over to her and take out a pack of crisps. Slowly and deliberately he opens it just under her nose. Knowing what would come next she holds her breath… 1sec…2sec…3 sec… 10sec… she inhales sharply and her nose are immediately filled with the flavor of salt and vinegar crisps. Her mouth fills up with saliva and she tries not to swallow it back as she know it will give him so much satisfaction. She focus on not inhaling the intoxicating smell a second time but again the salty, vinegary aroma assaults’ her pouring over all the pores on her skin, penetrating its’ robust fingers into her nostrils into the deepest part of her sensory organs. A deep rumble from her tummy instantly brings joy to the guard and mad laughter erupts from his lips. A handful of crisps find their way into his mouth just inches away from her face. She can hear the crunchiness and almost taste them. Her eyes never leaves his face… she will not give in. With laughter he empties the packet in front of her, then shakes the last crumbs out on her lap… shoving the empty packet into his pocket he moves off to the side of the room. She takes a quick swallow while his back are turned on her, forcing the slippery fluid back into her throat.
FADE TO:
INT. LAB – LATER
Nina are still sitting in the same chair. She balances the crumbs of the crisps on her lap, hating herself for it. The guard moves from his post and shoves her father to the side.
GUARD
Enough!
Nina cringes inside. This time… this time she will win. Stopping in front of her the guard unfolds the crisp bag. Opening it the smell immediately fills the air around them. He waves the bag in front of her, waiting for her to grab it. She know he will only snatch it away, so she quickly move to sit on her hands and with regret see the crumbs scatter over the shiny floor. Laughing he yells at a guard outside the door.
GUARD
Tony! Hey Tony come check this out.
A second guard enters the room, he clearly knows the drill. She feel the red haze of anger and embarrassment washing over her face. She catches her mothers eye and the light shake of her head. She inhales deeply in an effort to stop the trembling of her body and mind and again inhales the heavenly smell of salt and vinegar. The guards laugh and as they leave the room the first guard looks back at her and then tosses the packet on the ground stepping on it he leaves the room. As the door closes she scrambles off the chair deaf to the pleas of her parents, she scoops up the packet and settles in a corner under the glass window. Placing the packet around her mouth and nose she savors every breath. With her delicate fingers she slowly reach into the corners of the packet and tease the last crumbs out of their hiding spaces. Her eyes never leave the crumbs as she slowly brings it to her mouth. As the first taste of salt and vinegar fills her mouth, a symphony of flavor fill her being. Then the realization of what she are doing fills her and a tear rolls down her face. He won! Again! She tosses the packet away from her feeling ashamed and angry unable to look at her parents, she curls up into a ball, hearing the door open she know the guard will know he won. A part of her was bought with salt and vinegar crumbs.
GUARD
Come Nina. Visiting is over.
CUT TO:
INT. FACTORY – NOON
INT. FACTORY – NOONNINA
Confusion and then recognition followed by disgust spread over her face.
YOU! She spat the word out at him.
THUG
Nina you have no reason to trust me, but please just listen me out.
PAUSES and takes a deep breath.
You may not believe me, but I hope you do. You parents gave me a word for this day. Cuddle Snuggles
NINA
Draws in her breath sharply and if possible she turned from green to white. Confusion, and memories flood her face.
No! That is impossible! That is our safe phrase…
THUG
My friend, your father gave it to me the day I helped you escape. The day I saw him and your mom die, unable to help them. The day I promised to protect you like my own.
NINA
Screaming
You were never his friend!
Spat in his face!
You hated us! You were the worst of them all!
THUG
Yes, I were. I were the worst of them all, but I never physically harmed them and always, always had their backs. Somehow me and your father clicked we became friends and to hide that friendship and everything I smuggled in to them, to you I had to be the meanest mother fucker so that no one would suspect anything and so that they would keep posting me there as part of the mind games that they played with your family. At least with me your parents always knew what to expect and they knew that every time you left that room I would keep an eye out for you as far as possible.
And that day of your escape, if not for me causing a diversion you would never have escaped. It was the hardest thing I had to do in my life, because I knew they would die in the process. There was no other way.
Takes a deep breath.
I have been keeping watch over you ever since. I promised your parents to give you a normal life to give you space but to always watch over you. I stayed in business with Krueger’s father and after his capture stayed on with Krueger himself so that I could see the danger coming and be prepared. Since these guys started protecting you at the pre-trial hearings, I made contact with them and we have all been looking out for you since then.
NINA
Breaths deeply in and out. This is too much. Her head is spinning and she is so confused. First the attacks, then the flashbacks, memories, the puzzles and now this… With shaking hands and legs feeling like rubber she pushes herself from the chair and the salt and vinegar smell overwhelms her again… With her hand in front of her mouth she looks frantically for the bathroom.
THUG
Indicating a door.
This way.
NINA
Stumbles to the bathroom. Retching and vomiting can be heard and then quiet.
BRUCE
With concern on his face.
This might have been too much for her.
SLY
Slams his fist into the table in front of him. Frustration and guilt washes over his face.
Damn! We did not have a choice. We need a break and we need to figure this out and Ben can help with both. It was time to play open cards.
ARON
Guys!
Aron is bending over Nina in the bathroom. She is having a full blown panic attack. Shaking, sweating and breathing fast and with shallow gasps she sits on the bathroom floor hugging herself tightly. Aron sits down next to her and effortlessly pulls her onto his lap. His arms wraps around her and he start to speak to her in a soft and comforting manner.
Ok girl, I’ve got you. Deep breath, deep breath. It’s ok.
All of the operatives file into the bathroom, concern and guilt clear on their faces. Ben comes in with a glass of liquid and a brown paper bag.
BEN
Handing the items to Aron.
It will help with the shock. I think it is best if I stay outside for now.
ARON
Holds the glass to Nina’s lips and help her to drink it. All the time talking very calmly to her.
SLY
You stay with her A, we will go and catch up with Ben.
ARON
Nods and pushes her head back into his shoulder. Holding the brown paper bag in front of her mouth he help her to take deep and calming breaths. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out his cellphone.
How about some calming tunes.
He moves his finger over a internet screen searching for music.
CUT TO:
INT. FACTORY – NOON
Ben and the remaining operatives sit around the table.
SLY
So explain to me how this fuck can target us the whole time. I get the facial software, but the civilians at Nina’s office and that shit on the train had nothing to do with facial recognition.
BEN
So this program that Nina’s parents created. It can target anyone through the internet, using subluminal orders it can control them. They don’t understand what they are doing – like a person sleep walking.
So basically if you are on the net and the device have a camera eye, you are vulnerable to become a puppet.
BRUCE
You’re shitting me!
SLY
Why the hell would they develop such shit?
BEN
This was one of several projects they worked on. They were probably the best scientists of their time and remember they were under constant duress since her birth. This program were actually never finished. We planned the escape before they could finish and as a fail safe they programmed the kill code into Nina’s brain. I was the only one that knew about it, but since the program were unfinished I had no concern about it.
SLY
So how the hell did they start to use it if it was never finished and how did you not know this in time.
BEN
Well as always Krueger sent me away to make the rounds at all his different facilities. It takes more than a while and I have to keep an eye on Nina as well. He started using the program in that time and I only found out yesterday when I checked in. Regarding the program he found another scientist and a Russian whizz kid with computers. Between the two of them and they are as crazy as Krueger, they figured out the glitches and made some of their own tweaks. So instead of just controlling people they programmed it to become a weapon.
BRUCE
So basically anyone, anywhere, anytime
can become an assassin.
A moment of silence follows as they try to absorb this information. Aron with his arm around a still shaking Nina walks in. He blinks rapidly in the bright light of the room and for a moment only looks a bit dazed. He shakes his head and lead Nina back to the chair. He joins the guys at the table and Sly brings him up to speed. Bruce moves over to Nina with the medical kit and start to administer some medicine and fluids to her for the vomiting and dehydration.
ARON
Moves to the fridge and takes out a soft drink, as he snaps open the can he seems a bit off. He takes a long drink and then calmly throws it in the air. The spinning can spews its content all over the room. Sly and Bruce reaches for their guns and aim at the can. In one smooth motion Aron pulls his gun and start shooting. One bullet hits Bruce center mass and he drops down like a puppet whose strings are cut. Sly tips Nina and the chair over, he and Ben start to fire at Aron who are now turning to concentrate his fire on Nina.
SLY
What the FUCK Aron!
BEN
It’s no use! we need to go.
He pulls a smoke grenade and throws it under the table. Moments later the room is thick with smoke. Through the hazy smoke Aron ejects his clip and reload. Stepping over Bruce’s body without even glancing at him. Screeching tires can be heard moving away from the factory. He look calmly at their car with two flat tires. A series of lights start to rapidly blink in the corners of the room. He see it and quickly but deliberately leave the factory. He is only a few steps away when there are a huge explosion filling the sky with flames, smoke and debris. He are thrown into the air onto the gravel in front of the factory.
-
Christopher Dalbey’s Fast formatting!
What I learned doing this assignment is that stacking the format and dialogue with high intensity helps communicate the viscerality in any action scene sequence. Also, selecting the appropriate verb to describe the action makes a world of a difference!
EXT. MANSION – ROOFTOP – DAY
THUMP! THUD! THUMP!
– Maman’s skids across the cemented rooftop, slams against a helicopter’s landing skids!
EXT. MANSION – GATED FRONT YARD – CONTINUOUS
– Gunned F.B.I Agnats and S.W.A.T sweep across the massive front landscapes! –
EXT. MANSION – ROOFTOP – DAY
– Maman’s bloodied, and barely conscious, face stares up into the blinding light…
… stepping into her field of vision and blocking out the sunlight is Kalfu’s shadowy figure towering, a menacing laugh that collides with the fluttering sounds of helicopter blades oscillating!
INT. MANSION – FRONT VESTIBULE – CONTINUOUS
… POP! POP! POP!
… three shots fired from one of the many F.B.I Agents quickly advancing through the massively marbled vestibule…
EXT. MANSION – ROOFTOP – CONTINUOUS
Kalfu’s disfigured creature-like hand grips Maman from the neck, lifts her into the air with ease…
The sunlight showcases Kalfu’s massively ringed hand.
A crescendo of bloody coughs from Maman that paints the blue expanse all around them.
INT. MANSION – VESTIBULE – CONTINUOUS
SPLAT!!!
– A costumed warrior from the underworld slams violently onto the marbled floors!
Blood rivers from the very still body as the last of the Agents and S.W.A.T team advance to the next room.
EXT. MANSION – ROOFTOP – CONTINUOUS
A helmed PILOT peeks his head out from inside the helicopter, screaming MOS something to Kalfu who holds Maman over the edge of the rooftop …
… winds whip past Maman as she eyeballs the beautiful landscapes of the grounds harrowing below…
… a hellish grin from Kalfu –
KALFU
(in Haitian Creole with subtitles)
Gentlemen of the cross advance for her to see them!
Maman Brigitte is sick, she lies down on her back, a lot of talk won’t raise the dead, tie up your head, tie up your belly, tie up your –
– POP! POP! POP! POP!
– four shots rattled from the gunned Agent on the other side of the rooftop, whose gun is pointed directly at Kalfu –
Kalfu peers down at the bullets that were fired into him, but not a scratch!
His head spins around nonchalantly and glares directly at the gunman, giving him spellbinding eyes –
– The rifle falls from his hands and arms, drops to the ground. By some supernatural force, his head twists and contorts in non-human ways, the same thing happening to his midsection!
Nothing but heart wrenching screams from the fallen gunman! –
– Kalfu spins back towards Maman…
… she is no longer in his grasp, or anywhere on the rooftop!
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