Post Day 16 Assignment Here

[Matthew Frendo]

Here’s My Outline. LMK if someone is ready to exchange feedback!

TITLE: PEACE & WAR

OPENING
– Jacob is a CIA black ops “wetwork” man. And today he’s happy. Because
back home, his wife just gave birth to their first son and this is his
last mission before he goes back home. But then the mission goes bad. He
is given wrong intel and he kills a group of kids training as soldiers…something he can’t deal with.

CUT TO FUTURE – he never left the area to go back home, feeling too guilty about what happened, and decides to live as a Buddhist monk in a small Myanmar village near where the incident happened. He starts to find a life of peace away from society.

M1 – MOTIVATION:
After retiring to this small town to make up for his sins, he finds out
they don’t trust him. But after he helps a family save their horse from a
thief, Jacob is taken in by a peaceful family, who show him love. He
starts to help the town and finds some good in his life again.

INCITING
INCIDENT – the cartel sends some people to rough up the father of the
family that took Jacob in, because he won’t turn his fields into cocaine
fields. Jacob fights them off, but doesn’t kill them. Now, the bad
guys are swearing revenge on him.

His reputation in the town grows and they start to love and trust him.

V2 – DILEMMA/SEND MORE: Nestor kills his own men for losing to a priest. He then sends his main enforcer and 8 brutal fighters men to handle it.

A2 – FIGHT – a bigger and more deadly fight happens, with Jacob badly hurting a man. His PTSD kicks in again after he does.

M3 – OBSTACLE: Jacob decides to leave, as he doesn’t want to be a killer again.

FIRST
TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT I – The bad guys try to kidnap a kid from
the family that is close to Jacob.

A3 – PURSUIT – Jacob follows them to stop them and they end up killing the kid.

A4 – FIRST KILL – Jacob kills the man who killed the kid. Then he kills them all. Guilt racks him for breaking his vow.

Then a Buddhist master starts teaching him about the samurai and he starts his path anew.

M5 – OVERWHELMING ODDS: Now Jacob can’t leave. He is forced to leave his new life and morality behind to do what’s right. He stays to protect the town and help the family.

V4 – DILEMMA: Nestor doesn’t like that the kid’s dead as it will make the town too angry and they won’t work with him then. He can’t push them farther without the risk of turning them against him and he can’t be dealing with this with the CIA arriving soon. He has to act fast and without too much blood.

A5 – DANGEROUS SITUATION – They tell some addicts to spread rumor that Jacob killed the kid to turn the town against him.

V5 – DECISION/ HAVE HIM KILLED: After the addicts spread the tale, he sends one of his men to talk a town wannabe thug into killing Jacob, saying he’ll be rich if he does.

Jacob learns about difference between life giving sword and death dealing sword (parallel story with local thug)

A7 – FIGHT – Jacob beats local thug down.

A8 – SHOOTOUT – the men watching over the local thug shoots at Jacob and battle occurs. Jacob sends the man’s head back to Nestor on the river…right when the CIA guys appear to see it. Nestor is not happy.

MID-POINT
– Jacob realizes that the bad guys won’t stop and goes after them, killing
them in an opium den. From them, he finds out Nestor’s plan to make the
whole country a coke hub.

A10 – DANGEROUS SITUATION – Jacob decides to blow up drug lab to make a dent in Nestor’s plan.

V6 – INFORMATION: Nestor sends people out to get information on Jacob and find out why this priest can do so much damage. They come back with nothing. He is like a ghost.

M6 – TWIST: The cartel finally is forced to tell their CIA contact what is happening in their American member and ask for their help. The CIA agrees to send their best men…for a bigger cut of the coke trade.

V8 – DECISION/MERCENARIES: Nestor hires CIA trained mercenaries to find Jacob and make an example of him.

A11 – SHOOTOUT / EVADE – Mercenaries come for Jacob and a fight occurs as he tries to evade at the same time. But one of the mercenaries recognizes Jacob and leaves right away.

V9 – INFORMATION: One mercenary comes back with the info of who Jacob is and how dangerous he is. The mercenary then gives the money back, saying he won’t do it. The CIA agent realizes he was a “friend” of Jacob’s back then. He tells Nestor all the horrible things Jacob has done in the area as an agent.

V10 – TURN TOWN AGAINST HIM: Nestor makes sure town finds out the stuff Jacob did as black ops with the info that the CIA gave him. They do turn against him this time.

SECOND
TURNING POINT OF ACT ii – The town banishes Jacob after finding out what
he did in the past. Even the family he loves can’t help him after they
find out he killed the father’s sister and nephew in the final raid that
went wrong.

M7 – APPARENT DEFEAT: Before Jacob can leave, the local thug tells him that Nestor kidnapped a girl and he though Jacob should know. Jacob goes after the girl, knowing he’s walking into a trap, but feeling he deserves it. Nestor traps him.

A13 – TORTURE: Jacob’s CIA “friend” helps them torture Jacob the same way Jacob tortured people as a black ops agent. They throw him into the river, leaving him for dead.

M8 – TWIST: he washes up on shore and is found by a tribe living on the outskirts of the town. The tribe’s shaman wakes him up and they heal him. The Buddhist from before sends him a book and weapon.

M9 – APPARENT DEFEAT: While he is healing, the town is taken over and people are forced to start harvesting drugs. The local thug he beat up comes to tell him and join him in fighting them off, embarrassed he left his town and people this way. Nestor threw him out and now he sees how stupid he was the whole time.

M10 – NEW PLAN: Jacob works with the tribe of outsiders to make a new plan, using makeshift weapons from what they can find around them.

V11 – FULL ON TAKEOVER: Knowing Jacob was banished, Nestor enters the town with close to his whole army to make a show of force and an example. They start taking over fields immediately.

CRISIS
– Nestor brings his army to take the town for himself. Jacob is barely
well and must either stay and get better or go help them

A14 – SHOOTOUT / DANGEROUS SITUATION – Jacob must fight Nestor’s whole army to save town.…even though they banished him and it might kill him.

M11 – FULL-OUT
ATTACK: Jacob and the tribe attack to free the town, using their weaponry
and skills against the overwhelming odds. Once the fight starts, the
family he loved rallies the rest of the town to fight against Nestor’s
army. Jacob takes on his ex-CIA friend
and kills him, the follows Nestor. He tribe and town use weapons Jacob made
from sticks and stones and use their will to destroy stronger and more
modern enemy.

CLIMAX
– Jacob follows Nestor into a cocaine lab, where they battle it out with
guns and then knives and ends with fists.

A15 – FIGHT – final fight with Nestor, where he ends him.

V13 – FITTING ENDING: Nestor is killed after a beaten Jacob throws him into a vat of acid used to make cocaine.

RESOLUTION
– Jacob decides to stop hiding out and go back to his family.

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Matthew, I’m ready for feedback if you are!

What I loved!

1. I love the John Wick method of having an unassuming guy with all the skills that make him the most dangerous man in the room. Jacob living as a Buddhist monk, while having been a wet works, corrupt CIA agent is awesome, and the way the story naturally pits him against his former life and comrades is really engaging.

2. The setting creates a modern Seven Samurai in a place we don’t often see, and explores issues that persist today. It’s poignant, it’s exotic, and I want to see it.

What I have questions about…

1. I get the motivation to hide out, as the murder of children should be enough to shake up anybody. I don’t know that if I were in his shoes I would abandon my wife and newborn. Is there anything else keeping him from finding redemption with the woman he loves and the child that will call him “Daddy” and look to him as much as his/her mother throughout his/her life?

2. I know the need for unique action is there, but with this concept borrowing from Seven Samurai already, and the use of samurai swords being so prevalent in the last twenty years (The Matrix Reloaded, Equilibrium, Deadpool, The Last Samurai, The Wolverine, The Walking Dead) is there something unique from the Myanmar region that we could see compliment the vast array of skills a black ops agent would have, and vice versa (something unique that black ops skills bring to the Myanmar region).

[Rebecca Sukle]

Hi Matthew, I would like to exchange feedback with you.

Awesome work that fit most of the boxes. Your unique setting drew me in, as did Jacob’s wound, his remorse, and decision to change. I liked the Buddhist monk aspect to control his ptsd. The pace of escalating action just right to draw in the viewer. I see you used the concept of in the moment when Jacob became the wrench in the cog for Nestor’s master plan. You added irony when you gave the evil Nestor a fitting ending.

I only have one suggestion that could make Jacob’s killing of the child’s murderer and his helpers to up his visceral reaction. Let the child be a little boy the same age as Jacob’s son and create a unique bond between them. The boy is fascinated by the American and fills the void of Jacob being separated. Jacob loves the boy like his own child. This ups the stakes and provides emotional pain when the boy is killed. It is gut wrenching, like losing his own son. Just a thought.

I enjoyed reading your submission. Keep writing at this level so I can see this as a movie.

Best,

Rebecca

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Outline Version 1

Title: Possessing Eden

Logline: In a world where people can be reincarnated into robotic surrogates at the time of their passing, the creation of an ancient artificial intelligence seeks to bring the person she murdered back to life.

Scene 1. We open on the first floor of a nine story high rise. It’s dark, a maze-like ruin with holes in the wall that weave from one room to another, and what appear to be grave sites toppled on top of each other. There, a child hides in the shadows from a mechanical being that just killed both of the child’s parents. Janus protects and saves a little boy from this killer robot.

Scene 2. The boy is missing a chip in his neck, something he needs to be admitted through the Afterlife Protocol. Janus takes him to her creator, Adam, to ensure the promise of eternal life.

Scene 3. Adam, in a sermon to people plugged into virtual meeting, recounts a story of how he constructed the tower as a last bastion of mankind and created Guardian Angels, like Janus, to have dominion over it.

Scene 4. Janus competes in a game with her siblings to test their skill in protecting the first 9 floors from the forces of the underworld, the bottom 9 floors that live underground in rebellion. Janus wins with Adam watching.

Scene 5. Adam invites Janus to a revelation of a power she didn’t know she had.

Scene 6. Adam teaches Janus to duplicate herself. It is an act that relies on deleting the consciousness of the host, in order to use their body. However, Janus performs this act without being told the consequences ahead of time. Thus, she unknowingly commits murder in a part of her world where death should be impossible.

Scene 7. Janus, distraught, refuses to believe she can’t bring the victim back. She makes a plan with her Copy to bring the person she killed back to life by stealing the code Adam used to create her and her siblings, and venturing to the source of the Nexus, the platform for the Afterlife Protocol, deep inside the underworld. Together, they plan to merge the code with the Copy’s body, which was the victim’s body, hoping the combination of latent code within said body and Adam’s code will bring the individual back to life again, essentially rewriting the code that once made up the individual.

Scene 8. Janus, with the help of her double, breaks into Adam’s personal library to steal the code.

Scene 9. Janus fights her siblings on her way out of the first 9 floors.

Scene 10. Adam begs Janus not to go, offering absolution in the form of erasing hers and everyone else’s memory of the victim so that no guilt can be felt or placed.

Scene 11. Janus crosses into the Underworld.

Scene 12. Adam addresses humanity and ostracizes Janus as a fallen angel and demon who must be stopped.

Scene 13. Adam sells Janus out to a group a slavers: The first part of a trap.

Scene 14. Janus confronts cyborg slavers and is captured.

Scene 15. Janus and her Copy meet Calvex, a mute gladiatorial slave. He agrees to help them out of the Arena and guide her through the underworld, if she can rescue him from the Lightning Run and bring him his “voice.”

Scene 16. Gladiator battle. Janus and her Copy try to recover Calvex’s “voice,” which is the arena prize. The fight is a way to punish and execute Calvex, who is running the Lightning Run. Calvex must fight electrical impulses to dodge and survive deadly obstacles.

Scene 17. Janus secures the voice, overcoming the gladiator pit’s opponents, and rescues Calvex from the lightning run. But the gladiatorial ring leader, Alrick, uses a shape-shifting, nano bot weapon to mortally damage Janus.

Scene 18. Then, a platoon of Adam’s robot sentries enter the ring. The people of the underworld fight back, and it quickly turns into a riot. The sentries reach Janus and tear her apart.

Scene 19. Janus learns she can reincarnate anywhere, since she was given free will. She returns to life inside her Copy’s body and shares it with her.

Scene 20. Janus fights through, giving the voice to Calvex, who uses it to gain control of one of the gladiator pit’s mechanized giants and escape with Janus.

Scene 21. Adam devises a plan to break Janus by using the family of the person she killed.

Scene 22. Adam links a conversation between Janus and the family. Janus’ Copy stays out of the way and watches Janus feel the full weight of her guilt.

Scene 23. Janus reaches a village on the seventh floor of the underworld. Janus is thanked by the village for saving Calvex. The original Janus is given a robot surrogate to possess, so that she and her Copy can be in separate bodies. In addition, the surrogate body is augmented with one of Janus’ original arms that was saved in the gladiator pit, so she can still perform the act of possessing machines and resurrect the person she killed.

Scene 24. Cavlex takes the original Janus hunting to calm her nerves and show what life is like in the underworld, apart from the horror’s faced before, while the Copy stays with the village to guard it.

Scene 25. Copy defends the village from Adam’s Guardian Angels who tell her she shouldn’t even be in the underworld, and offer a place in Arcadia as Janus’ replacement on the condition of killing her counterpart.

Scene 26. Adam tells the Copy how to kill the original, but also worries to himself that he may have just given an answer on how to end him as well. Adam knows this because he was once a copy of an original artificially intelligent computer virus from millennia ago, but killed his alter ego in a civil war.

Scene 27. Calvex and Janus return to the village to stave off the Guardian Angels. The rift between the two Januses widens.

Scene 28. Calvex leads Janus past the 8th floor, and to the 9th floor, which is littered with robotic corpses, like a hundred battles had taken place on this one floor, and no victories were won. Janus tries to and bring her victim back to life. It appears to work, but…

Scene 29. Adam snaps the trap, playing a trick on the two Januses by heightening the horror of the murder that lead to the creation of the Copy. Janus is mentally broken, and her Copy…

Scene 30. Attacks her, copying herself and thus raising the dead around them to fight for her. Janus is overwhelmed by her dark side, refusing to copy herself again due to the guilt associated with the act, while her Copy has morphed into an army against her. Calvex dies trying to save Janus. Janus is able to move past her guilt, forgiving herself, and begin reducing her Copy’s army until she merges with her Copy and becomes a whole person again.

Scene 31. Janus is able to plug Calvex into the Nexus to try to admit him through the Afterlife Protocol.

Scene 32. Janus returns to the village to give the bad news and ask for help, promising to bring the people of the underworld the opportunity for eternal life through the Afterlife Protocol.

Scene 33. Adam, upon losing control in the Underworld, sees an Omen. He threatens Janus to never return, or he’ll destroy the world again.

Scene 34. Janus must choose whether to save Calvex or risk everyone else’s doom. Janus chooses to take action, believing the means justify the ends.

Scene 35. Janus gathers forces in the Underworld to take the upper 9 floors and rid the world of Adam. Together, they fight their way up each of the 9 floors. The majority of the force takes on the brunt of the defenses…

Scene 36. Meanwhile, Janus leads a separate, smaller party to Adam’s library, where his code is kept. Her siblings intercept her though, and she fights them again under different circumstances. Janus breaks through…

Scene 37. Reaching the mainframe and source of Adam’s code. She plugs in and reaches the Nexus, a digital reality where we see the Afterlife Protocol in action.

Scene 38. It is revealed that if Janus kills Adam, it would erase her too, since her code is intertwined with his. Adam offers eternity with Calvex, the man who helped bring her out of depression, in exchange for allowing Adam to rebuild. It would be an eternity lived outside of the tower, where Adam also reveals that the world is much bigger and still full of life; the tower is not the last bastion of mankind as previously taught.

Scene 39. Janus sacrifices herself and kills Adam.

Scene 40. The Afterlife Protocol within the tower is free again. People living there are permitted to reincarnate and live outside of the tower, where we see that it is just one tower in a vast and vibrant city on another planet.

[Matthew Frendo]

Hey Cameron! Thanks for the feedback!

I’m beat from work right now, so give me a day or two so I can look at this with the attention it deserves. Looking forward to it!

[Matthew Frendo]

Hey Cameron!

I really like this idea! It has a lot of philosophy and sci-fi in it, which I really like.

The main thing I would suggest is round the villain out a bit more. I wasn’t quite sure of his motivation, except for control. But I couldn’t tell why he wanted control so badly.

Also, so much happens that at times (not often), it gets a bit confusing. Maybe simplify some parts to really focus on the important things in the story.

Great job!

[Cameron Martin]

Thanks for the amazing notes, Matthew! They really helped me explore some different angles to work with and hopefully clear some things up while elevating the story!

Cameron Martin’s Outline Version 2

Title: Possessing Eden

Logline: A Computer Virus finds religion, but when GOD doesn’t answer his prayers, he enslaves a group of people and creates his own heaven, his own hell, and his own “Adam” who turns on him.

Scene 1. We open on the first floor of a massive nine story high rise. It’s dark, a maze-like ruin with holes in the wall that weave from one room to another, and what appear to be grave sites toppled on top of each other. There, a child hides in the shadows from a mechanical being that just killed both of the child’s parents. Janus, an android with the ability to “possess” different machines, protects and saves this little boy from the killer robot.

Scene 2. The boy is missing a chip in his neck, something he needs to be admitted through the Afterlife Protocol. The boy is from the underworld, where they can’t be reincarnated or have everlasting life, and was crossing the border between the underworld and the upper nine floors with his family when they were attacked. Janus takes him to her creator, Adam, to ensure the promise of eternal life.

Scene 3. Adam, in a sermon to people plugged into virtual meeting, recounts a story of how he constructed the tower as a last bastion of mankind and created Guardian Angels, like Janus, in his image, so that they would have dominion over the world.

Scene 4. Janus competes in a game with her siblings to test their skill in protecting the first 9 floors from the forces of the underworld, the bottom 9 floors that live underground in rebellion. Janus wins with Adam watching.

Scene 5. Adam invites Janus to a revelation of a power she didn’t know she had.

Scene 6. Adam teaches Janus to duplicate herself. It is an act that relies on deleting the consciousness of the host, in order to use their body. However, Janus performs this act without being told the consequences ahead of time. Thus, she unknowingly commits murder in a part of the world where death should be impossible.

Scene 7. Janus, distraught, refuses to believe she can’t bring the victim back. She makes a plan with her Copy to bring the person she killed back to life.

Together, they’ll steal the code Adam used to create her and her siblings. Next, they’ll venture to the source of the Nexus, the platform for the Afterlife Protocol, deep inside the underworld. Together, they plan to merge the code with the Copy’s body, which was the victim’s body, hoping the combination of latent code within said body and Adam’s code will bring the individual back to life again, essentially rewriting the code that once made up the individual.

Scene 8. Janus, with the help of her double, breaks into Adam’s personal library to steal the code.

Scene 9. Janus fights her siblings on her way out of the first 9 floors.

Scene 10. Adam begs Janus not to go, offering absolution in the form of erasing hers and everyone else’s memory of the victim so that no guilt can be felt or placed.

Scene 11. Janus crosses into the Underworld.

Scene 12. Adam addresses humanity and ostracizes Janus as a fallen angel and demon who must be stopped.

In private, Adam splits into two different versions of himself. One side argues Janus should be shown the love a daughter deserves. The other half argues Janus refused the power and knowledge she possesses, and that it is the same as refusing him, since she was made to be just like him. In the second version’s mind, he was first rejected by GOD. Now, he’s being rejected by his own progeny. The two halves fight, one for Janus and the other for his pride. The prideful half kills the loving half.

Scene 13. Adam sells Janus out to a group a slavers: The first part of a trap. When the slavers ask Adam why, he offers them the question of how many Adam’s they think there are, showing his hand that the version they’re conversing with may be unique to the one the underworld is familiar with.

Scene 14. Janus confronts cyborg slavers and is captured.

Scene 15. Janus and her Copy meet Calvex, a mute gladiatorial slave. He agrees to help them out of the Arena and guide her through the underworld, if she can rescue him from the Lightning Run and bring him his “voice.”

Scene 16. Gladiator battle. Janus and her Copy try to recover Calvex’s “voice,” which is the arena prize. The fight is a way to punish and execute Calvex, who is running the Lightning Run. Calvex must fight electrical impulses to dodge and survive deadly obstacles.

Scene 17. Janus secures the voice, overcoming the gladiator pit’s opponents, and rescues Calvex from the lightning run. But the gladiatorial ring leader, Alrick, uses a shape-shifting, nano bot weapon to mortally damage Janus.

Scene 18. Then, a platoon of Adam’s robot sentries enter the ring. The people of the underworld fight back, and it quickly turns into a riot. The sentries reach Janus and tear her apart.

Scene 19. Janus learns she can reincarnate anywhere, since she was given “free will.” She returns to life inside her Copy’s body and shares it with her.

Scene 20. Janus fights through, giving the voice to Calvex, who uses it to gain control of one of the gladiator pit’s mechanized giants and escape with Janus.

Scene 21. Adam devises a plan to break Janus by using the family of the person she killed. One of the angels asks Adam why there’s so much effort being put into destroying Janus when she’s just trying to bring someone back to life. When the angel doesn’t buy the argument that Janus betrayed them, Adam splits into two different versions of himself again, one that agrees, and another that recontextualizes the argument as sedition and justifies the old testament flooding of the earth. That version of Adam kills both his copy and the angel, his own child.

Scene 22. Adam links a conversation between Janus and the family. Janus’ Copy stays out of the way and watches Janus feel the full weight of her guilt.

Scene 23. Janus reaches a village on the seventh floor of the underworld. Janus is thanked by the village for saving Calvex. The original Janus is given a robot surrogate to possess, so that she and her Copy can be in separate bodies. In addition, the surrogate body is augmented with one of Janus’ original arms that was saved in the gladiator pit, so she can still perform the act of possessing machines and resurrect the person she killed.

Scene 24. Cavlex takes the original Janus hunting to calm her nerves and show what life is like in the underworld, apart from the horrors faced before, while the Copy stays with the village to guard it.

Scene 25. Copy defends the village from Adam’s Guardian Angels who tell her she shouldn’t even be in the underworld, and offer a place in Arcadia as Janus’ replacement on the condition of killing her counterpart.

Scene 26. Adam tells the Copy how to kill the original, explaining that for people like them, killing parts of yourself is necessary to become pure and holy.

Scene 27. Calvex and Janus return to the village to stave off the Guardian Angels. The rift between the two Januses widens.

Scene 28. Calvex leads Janus past the 8th floor, and to the 9th floor, which is littered with robotic corpses, like a hundred battles had taken place on this one floor, and no victories were won. Janus tries to bring her victim back to life. It appears to work, but…

Scene 29. Adam snaps the trap, playing a trick on the two Januses by heightening the horror of the murder that lead to the creation of the Copy. Janus is mentally broken, and her Copy…

Scene 30. Attacks her, copying herself and thus raising the dead around them to fight for her. Janus refuses to copy herself again due to the guilt associated with the act, and is thus overwhelmed by her dark side. Calvex dies trying to save Janus.

Scene 31. Janus influenced by Calvex’s sacrifice, is able to move past her guilt, forgiving herself, and begin reducing her Copy’s army until she merges with her Copy, instead of killing her, and becomes a whole person again.

Scene 32. Janus is able to plug Calvex into the Nexus to try to admit him through the Afterlife Protocol.

Scene 33. Janus returns to the village to give the bad news and ask for help, promising to bring the people of the underworld the opportunity for eternal life through the Afterlife Protocol.

Scene 34. Adam, upon losing control in the Underworld, sees an Omen. He threatens Janus to never return, or he’ll destroy the world again and start over, “because that’s what gods do.”

Scene 35. Janus must choose whether to save Calvex or risk everyone else’s doom. Janus chooses to take action, believing the means justify the ends.

Scene 36. Janus gathers forces in the Underworld to take the upper 9 floors and rid the world of Adam. Together, they fight their way up each of the 9 floors. The majority of the force takes on the brunt of the defenses…

Scene 37. Meanwhile, Janus leads a separate, smaller party to Adam’s library, where his code is kept. Her siblings intercept her though, and she fights them again under different circumstances. Janus breaks through…

Scene 38. Reaching the mainframe and source of Adam’s code. She plugs in and reaches the Nexus, a digital reality where we see the Afterlife Protocol in action.

Scene 39. It is revealed that if Janus kills Adam, it would erase her and her siblings too, since their code is intertwined with his. Adam offers eternity with Calvex, the man who helped bring her out of depression, in exchange for allowing Adam to rebuild.

Adam cannot destroy the world, because as a computer virus, he’s contained to the tower. But, Janus and Calvex could live an eternity outside of the tower, where Adam also reveals that the world is much bigger and still full of life; the tower is not the last bastion of mankind as previously taught.

Scene 40. Janus sacrifices herself and kills Adam.

Scene 41. The Afterlife Protocol within the tower is free again. People living there are permitted to reincarnate and live outside of the tower, where we see that it is just one tower in a vast and vibrant city on another planet.

[Ramelle Wiggins (Carter)]

@Cameron Martin

I just read your story “Possessing Eden” I would like to give you feedback.

[Tarina Swanepoel]

Hi Cameron I would be happy to exchange feedback with you.

[Ramelle Wiggins (Carter)]

Ramelle’s Outline Version 1

(Feedback ready)

Hot Girl

A successful African American DA has lost her father, mother, and her ability to keep her sanity with PTSD enables her every step, yet love wins her heart and drives her to find out the truth.

Action Outline

Cinnamon Johnson is a successful Prosecuting Attorney who passed the bar on her first try; She comes from a family of wealth; graduating top of her class and having it all she also has a tragedy that has plagued most of her young life. At 5years old she survived a horrific accident that killed her father, Grover Johnson. Her mother a socialite and former police officer are rumored to have been involved in the death. Cinnamon wonders why her father died, but her mother was to marry Rick Devin, but he was found dead by Cinnamon on what was to be their wedding day. Not only that recently her boss/lover is killed under mysterious circumstances. From all this pain and shock, Cinnamon suffers from PTSD until she becomes the princess who meets her prince, Clash Stevenson.

Scene 1

Cinnamon is sworn in as the new District Attorney, but someone breaks into her home and due to her PTSD, she sees the same image she saw as a 5-year-old when she was saved from the wreckage that killed her father

Scene 2

Cinnamon gets to her home after the press conference, she is in the shower after she gets out, she here latches open on a door. As a licensed attorney she also has the legal right to carry a gun, she gets her gun out of the bathroom drawer, dresses in her robe, and heads downstairs with a gun in hand she looks at every nook in sight, gets to the stairs, and sees someone leaving with the door half nudged open, she runs down the steps and gets out of her door. She fires one shot in the air and sees the car drive off. After this incident, she vows to step up security.

Scene 3

Cinnamon wants to ask her mom about the murders of her beaus, so she goes to pay her mom a visit. Mom has moved on with life and doesn’t want to be disturbed. Cinnamon wants to know if the rumors are true. She confronts mom, with her aunt walking in; also wanting to know why. Is Chay Johnson protecting her daughter or covering up her own misdeeds?

Scene 4

Chay Johnson is drinking wine waiting for her daughter, but she knows her sister, Rebecca has landed in town from Paris, and she slips asleep vitamins in one of the drinks so she can relax after all this stress, which is one thing she always dreaded.

Scene 5

Cinnamon is at the home of her mother, Chay, she asks her mom about her dad, but Chay is to hurt to talk about something of nature. Cinnamon is not aware her mother had been drowning her sorrows in alcohol and wasn’t drunk or tipsy but just numb to it all. Cinnamon accidentally picks up the sleep vitamin drink and takes a sip now when she asked her mom about her stepfather’s death in walks Rebecca.

Scene 6

Rebecca walks in and hears them talking. She also states she would like to know the truth. Telling her sister that nothing will take away the pain but then keeping any secrets won’t help either.

Scene 7

<Fight>

Cinnamon asks her mom again please, she needed to know when suddenly Cinnamon slurs her speech sits down, then Chay realized the drink had her sleep sedative in it and then Cinnamon collapse, they both help her to the couch; the sisters begin to argue; Chay shoves Rebecca then Rebecca pushes her then they tussle and shout about how they both get on each other’s nerve. Rebecca slaps Chay and then they tussle to the ground when suddenly, Chay’s butler, Jared walks in and subdues them both.

Scene 8

Jared contacts the house nurse and the other house helpers to get Cinnamon into bed until the sleep vitamin wears off. Cinnamon awakes unharmed is checked out smoothly by the nurse. With no idea, her mom and aunt were just fighting.

Scene 9

Cinnamon has no real answers from mom or her aunt. She had asked the nurse to place a phone order for her fav restaurant to pick up some comfort food and when she stops to pick it up, she meets the love of her life, Clash Stevenson.

Scene 10

Clash is a handsome, debonair Engineer. and when they meet, sparks fly, and she is reminded to love again.

Meanwhile, at her mom’s house, both Chay and Rebecca are doing fine.

Scene 11

Mother Chay playfully suggested she killed her ex-husband and Cinnamon overhears and arrests her mother for the murder of her father.

Some think it is due to her own sorrow that she takes the wrap for the murder.

Scene 12

Cinnamon is distraught and shaken after having to arrest her mom; she meets with Clash; they make love, wake up the next morning. Clash hears a bomb ticking in the wall of the bedroom and is unable to detonate it, they dress and leave, once they are safely out, it explodes, destroying the home.

Scene 13

Chief of Police declares he will tell the commissioner Cinnamon perished only to protect her from scrutiny. Cinnamon and Clash end up in St. Barts France where Clash has connections and continues working as an Aerospace Engineer. They need to plan before their work visas are set to expire.

Scene 14

After a year of being on the run they end up in Arizona where Cinnamon gives birth to a healthy baby girl, but Cinnamon must make amends with her past.

In learning of Mother’s poor health in jail she makes it back to Los Angeles.

Scene 15

Rick Devin the stepfather confesses to faking his death and Cinnamon kills him.

The End so far

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Ramelle Wiggins (Carter).

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Ramelle!

I’d love to exchange feedback!

Things I loved…

1. The angle of whether Cinnamon is losing her mind or keeping her sanity is really engaging and makes me wonder whether to trust the protagonist. Very similar story mechanic to “Spec Ops: The Line.”

2. The fact that Cinnamon comes from wealth sets up very different questions about her past and what she’s about, and it gives her access to resources most others in her shoes wouldn’t. She didn’t come from humble beginnings and rise up the ranks (rags to riches); she came from affluence and brought all of the expectations that come with that to the police force. It’s like Batman, but she’s working inside the law.

Things I have questions about…

1. I don’t think this is an action movie. It feels like a noir, detective story. The only action scene is of Chay and Rebecca scuffling, and that registers as more funny than I think this version of the story is going for, unless you’re trying to write a comedy.

2. Who is the villain and what actions are they taking to destroy the hero or achieve a goal that runs counter to what the hero ultimately wants? (Ex. THE DARK KNIGHT: Batman-To protect Gotham / The Joker- To destroy Gotham’s innocence, THE MATRIX: Neo- To sacrifice himself for Morpheus / Agent Smith- To kill Morpheus and destroy Zion, BLACK PANTHER: T’Challa- The throne, from covert interventionism to open charity / Erik – Also the throne, reverse Colonialism and equity)

[Joan Edwards]

Ramelle Wiggin’s work

Hot Girl

I enjoyed reading your outline, Ramelle. You have great characters here. I want to read more to find out more of the details of how all this works out. Throw away any ideas you don’t agree with. This is your script. You are its creator. I like to throw out ideas to ponder. I want to encourage you, not discourage you.<b style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”> I hope you will read my outline version 2 and let me know your ideas for improvement with it.

Blue Ribbon – Great Description here. Scene 5

Cinnamon is at the home of her mother, Chay, she asks her mom about her dad, but Chay is to hurt to talk about something of nature. Cinnamon is not aware her mother had been drowning her sorrows in alcohol and wasn’t drunk or tipsy but just numb to it all. Cinnamon accidentally picks up the sleep vitamin drink and takes a sip now when she asked her mom about her stepfather’s death in walks Rebecca.

Blue Ribbon – Great Description Scene 3

Cinnamon wants to ask her mom about the murders of her beaus, so she goes to pay her mom a visit. Mom has moved on with life and doesn’t want to be disturbed. Cinnamon wants to know if the rumors are true. She confronts mom, with her aunt walking in; also wanting to know why. Is Chay Johnson protecting her daughter or covering up her own misdeeds?

Scene 3 This sounds like a good thing to put in your pitch – logline.

Is Chay Johnson protecting her daughter or covering up her own misdeeds?

Is it her Dad’s death or her stepdad’s death that keeps haunting her? Or the deaths of her two fiancés deaths? I’m confused.

Scene 4 which is one thing she always dreaded.

You could start this with “One thing Shay always dreaded was having her sister visit or similar words. Then tell that she put vitamins to help her sleep in a drink.

Scene 5

You wrote: is to hurt

Probably should be: is too hurt

Scene 7

Did you mention a butler before now. You might want to consider introducing him before this scene.

Chay’s butler, Jared walks in and subdues them both.

Scene 9

Cool that Cinnamon gets nurse to place order for her. However, will Cinnamon be well and able to pick up the order on her own or will she be able to escape to pick up the order or will her prince deliver it to her.

Scene 11

Would she have enough evidence to prove her mother killed her stepfather?

Scene 13 Why does commissioner think that Cinnamon put the bomb in her own apartment? If she tells him about intruder, will he believe her.

How can his telling that she died be helpful.

Scene 15

Cinnamon says she wants to make amends. Why does she kill her stepfather? How?

It seems like it would be more fun for us to show her Mother that Rick was alive and that she be glad to get out of jail.

Describe to us what people are doing when they are fighting.

Women – pulling hair, throwing shoes, breaking cell phones,

We never find out who was in her apartment carrying a gun…

Who set off a bomb in her apartment?

The above is my humble opinion.

Joan Edwards

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Joan Edwards.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Joan Edwards.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Action Outline Version 2

Bucket of Blood, The Ragman’s War

Based on a True Story.

Logline: To prevent a massacre of mine families, a coal mine mechanic and WWI hero, must devise a plan to kill the commander of the coal and iron police and not get caught.

Background:

The story takes place during the 1927 miners strike in the coalfields around Pittsburgh. Company Coal and Iron Police—sanctioned by the governor but paid for by the coal alliance with all the same powers as state troopers—invade the company towns. Rusellton—No. 1 and No. 2 one mile apart—is the first town to face evictions. Break Rusellton; break the strike.

OPENING:

The story begins on a battlefield in France in 1917. Two brothers in the same unit, one a sharpshooter, the other average, one gets blown up, the other extracts revenge by killing 16 German soldiers but leaving the 17th man, the officer, remain alive to live in shame.

ACT 1

April 1, 1927

EXT. RUSELLTON MINE – MORNING

The union strike begins. Russellton, a captive mine owned by Republic Steel, does not allow unions. The miners join the strike in solidarity with the union miners by symbolically spilling the water from their dinner buckets to the ground.

EXT. RUSSELLTON NO. 1 – DAY

Herr Bucholtz arrives in Russellton as commander of a large unit of coal and iron police sent into Russellton—the first to face evictions—to break the strike. Bucholtz tracked down the American soldier to Russellton, the man who doomed him to shame by not killing him during the war, and will make him suffer.

INCITING INCIDENT:

EXT. BONY DUMP – NIGHT

Ervin, the carpenter leading the construction of the Russellton barracks, is lured to the dump behind the Bessemer store to find stolen union building supplies.

Mounted and armed coal and iron police, led by Bucholtz surround Ervin’s car. A trooper pulls him from the vehicle but leaves the headlights on. A gang of company thugs attack Ervin. He refuses to fight back. Bucholtz orders him tied to the car…removes a bullwhip from his belt. He cracks the whip in the air before landing it on Ervin’s back… the shirt slices open. Ervin, a pacifist, remains still, ready to absorb the pain. Bucholtz lets loose several more lashes…bloody stripes emerge on Ervin’s back…yet he does not cry out. Like a madman, Bucholtz yells and screams at him with each bite of the whip. Ervin’s bowels burst open…he falls unconscious.

EXT. BARRACKS CONSTRUCTION SITE RUSSELLTON NO. 1–LATER

Rain pours down in torrents. Bucholtz and his men dump Ervin’s limp body into the mud…they leave…the temperature drops.

EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE RUSSELLTON NO. 1- HOURS LATER

Raman finds Ervin, loads him into a truck and takes him home. Ragman vows revenge but at the time of his choosing.

INT. FARMHOUSE BASEMENT KITCHEN – DAY

Ragman watches as Doc and nurse Amy clean and dress Ervin’s wounds. He helps out by acting as a fetch it for whatever they need and helps move his brother from the table to a cot near the stove padded with quilts. Ragman listens with attention at Doc’s instructions, explains them to his mother in German. Ragman promises Ervin to take charge of the barracks construction and get their younger brother Albert to help.

EXT. FARM —NEXT DAY

Ragman throws rocks at a line of empty cans. The pitch is hard and he rarely misses. He yells profanities as he throws. The movement calms his anger.

TURNING POINT 2:

EXT. BARRACKS SITE – DAY

Albert and Ragman supervise the construction and make big progress. Bucholtz watches from afar.

EXT. MAIN ROAD, RUSSELLTON – LATER

Bucholtz, mounted on his large stallion, stops Ragman’s truck, dismounts and confronts him. The two exchange barbs and insults as they size up each other. Bucholtz orders Ragman to stop the barracks building, or else he will hurt Ragman’s family.

EXT. BUS STOP RUSSELLTON NO. 2 – DAY

Bucholtz spies Ludie, Ragman’s wife, as she gets off the bus with her two little boys. He is attracted to her; she invokes a memory of a lost love. He asks his men about the woman.

EXT. STREET – CONTINUOUS

Bucholtz follows Ludie at a distance as she walks up hill.

EXT. STAN WALOSKI’S HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Bucholtz barges into the house to get a better look at Ludie, peruses her from head to toe. He shoots her younger sister a warning look. Stan, Ludie’s father, enters and demands to know why Buchotz is in his house. Bucholtz uses the excuse that he is inventorying their possessions for the auction. Stan complains that he pays rent on the house, indebted to no one. Bucholtz informs him that all non-working miners will be evicted. He gives Ludie a last lascivious look and leaves.

EXT. RUSSELLTON NO. 2 – DAY

An army of coal and iron police invade the houses. They smash the jarred winter food stores and destroy wheat and dried beans by throwing them in the dirt. Afterwards, they carry furniture, pots and pans, and other personal items to the street for auction. Troopers rip drying laundry from clotheslines, wrap the woman’s undergarments around their heads to taunt them. They seek out what little food might be hidden in the house and destroy it. Armed with guns they put down protesters wit threats of being shot, maul the women and beat up on anyone coming to their defense. There is no one to help…the thugs are the law, and above it. Some of the women fight back with mops, brooms, and cast iron skillets.

EXT. RUSSELLTON NO. 2 – AUCTION DAY

Buyers walk along the street perusing the items. The auctioneer begins the sale. Mr. Fred Broad, a businessman from New Kensington backed by the union, purchases all the items and returns them to the mine families.

ACT 2

EXT. RUSSELLTON NO. 2 – EVICTION DAY

Townsfolk carry their belongings, others haul them on crude sleds. The walk down hill for the mile and a half trek to the barracks. Those too sick to move are thrown into the cold street and snow flurries.

MIDPOINT:

EXT. WALOSKI HOUSE – EVICTION DAY

All the other houses are empty. Bucholtz, followed by three of his troops, storm into the home.

INT. WALOSKI HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Ludie, her 15 year old sister Reise, and 17 year old brother Ben pack belongings. Startled by Bucholtz and the armed trooper guarding the door, hey stare in fear. Bucholtz puts a noose around Ben’s neck. He orders two of his men to take the girlish boy outside and up the road. The troopers pull him out the door…the women cry out in protest. Bucholtz grabs Ludie…threatens to shoot her…and orders Bernard, the third trooper, to pull Riese upstairs to have his way with the girl. Bernard follows orders.

INT. UPSTAIRS BEDROOM – CONTINUOUS

Bernard throws Reise onto the bed… she screams and cries…he jumps beside her…she cringes He orders her to keep screaming and jumps up and down on the bed…soon she plays the part. He won’t hurt her.

INT WALOSKI HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Bucholtz moves in on Ludie. She lies to him that she’s with child. He punches her hard in the stomach…she collapses. Bucholtz gets on top of her… pretend to love me…she screams…spits in his face. He uses the heel of his hand to slap her…she passes out. He removes her clothing one piece at a time.

INT. BEDROOM – CONTINUOUS

The noise downstairs stops. Riese fears for her sister. Bernard tells her that Bucholtz is a madman who will kill him if he doesn’t follow orders. Reise screams long and loud…freezes. Bernard gently holds her…waits a long time before leaving.

EXT. TOP OF THE HILL – SAME TIME

The two troopers finish beating and violating Ben…they leave him in a catatonic state surrounded by mud and blood.

INT. DOWNSTAIRS – LATER

Ludie wakes up…surprised to be fully dressed. She remains still long after the house is quiet. She worries about her young innocent sister. Ludie forces herself to move despite the pain in her jaw and belly. She crawls up the stairs to Reise.

INT. BEDROOM- CONTINUOUS

Ludie wobbles into the bedroom…finds Reise curled up and bawling. The sisters cry together about their rapes. Ludie tells Reise that they can never tell what happened.

EXT. RUSSELLTON NO. 1 BUS STOP – MONTHS LATER

Ludie waits for the bus to visit her father in a nearby town. Weeks after the secret abortion, she appears thin, pale, slump shouldered, and depressed…her ugly short haircut covered by a babushka. Bucholtz confronts her, astounded at the change in her appearance. He asks about their child. She pushes him away…I KILLED IT. Bucholtz directs his rage at Ragman.

SECOND TURNING POINT:

EXT. WALOSKI HOUSE ON BARON’S FARM – DAY

Ragman accosts the young coal and iron trooper, Bernard, looking for Riese. They tussle…Ragman irate because he knocked up the girl. Bernard confides to Ragman about Bucholtz raping Ludie and impregnating Reise. Ragman goes berserk and runs through the fields so not to beat up the boy. He decides to move Ludie and his sons away from Russellton.

EXT. CURTISVILLE – AFTERNOON

Bucholtz and his men ambush Ervin…take him to the lock up.

INT. CURTISVILLE – LOCKUP

Bucholtz uses his whip on Ervin, but freezes before he finishes and stomps away. Dennis Cooney, a boxer, delivers hard punches to Ervin’s midsection and throws him into the jail cell. He brags as he plays cards with the other men. The old trooper leaves to check on Bucholtz.

INT. CURTISVILLE – LATER

Ragman enters … shot gun in hand … orders the men not to move. Albert grabs the keys from the jailer. The old trooper returns…grabs for the gun…it flys into the horse stalls. Albert moves into boxing stance, Cooney does the same. Cooney strikes but his offense dissolves into defense. Albert KO’s Cooney…takes on the trooper fighting Ragman…decks him. Ragman retrieves his gun from the angry horses. They lock the police into the jail cell and escape with Ervin.

INT. HOSPITAL – MORNING

Ervin dies.

EXT. POLICE BOARDING HOUSE RUSSELLTON – NIGHT

Ragman arrives to fight Bucholtz. The troopers surround him and aim their guns. Bucholtz calls them off, to keep it one on one. He confesses to Ragman that he is the 17th man, the officer forced to live in shame. Bucholtz bites off Ragman’s ear lobe and chokes him with a strap. Constable Rube Dembaugh intervenes. Arrests Ragman.

ACT 3

CRISIS:

INT. RAGMAN’S NEW HOUSE – EVENING

Bernard defects, tells Ragman that Bucholtz plans to bring a machine gun into Russellton to massacre the striking miners. Bucholtz will shoot Albert first, a signal to the gunner to mow down the protesters. He hands Ragman a notebook he stole from Bucholtz. Ragman calls the Anthony at UMWA headquarters for help. Together they devise a plan. Anthony will lead the strikers. Ragman will kill Bucholtz, if he fails, Anthony will complete the task. The trick is how to do it and not get caught.

EXT. RUSSELLTON REPUBLIC STEEL OFFICE – DAY

Miners gather from nearby towns to join the Russellton strikers to protest scabs being brought in. Anthony replaces Albert as their leader. He orders the men to remain clam and not fight no matter what happens. Company thugs in the crowd disguised as miners work to incite a riot. The picket line remains strong and calm. They sing union songs.

Bucholtz arrives on the scene mounted on his stallion…uses bullwhip on the crowd. Ragman, in disguise, attempts to move within knifing distance before Bucholtz can shoot Anthony. A surge of bodies pushes Ragman far away…he uses his pitching arm and throws a rock. It hits Bucholtz’s helmet…startles both man and horse…gun goes off… misses it’s mark. The spooked stallion rears up …dumps Bucholtz…flinging its hooves it tramples him. The machine gunner freezes as do the other coal and iron police. Bucholtz is dead.

EXT. RUSSELLTON, REPUBLIC STEEL OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

Ragman drops below the crowd…exchanges hats…drops the coat…and emerges looking like himself. He strolls up a driveway across the street leading to the company doctor’s house.

THE END

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.

[Matthew Frendo]

Hi Rebecca!

I really liked this concept! I think it’s interesting to use a miner’s strike, especially one that is not too well known (I never knew about it before, at least). I think it also has a nice correlation with some things we are dealing with right now. Great job!

[Rebecca Sukle]

Thank you. I enjoyed reading yours too.

[Joan Edwards]

Dear Rebecca,

Would you be willing to swap feedback with me? I would like that very much.

[Joan Edwards]

Rebecca’s Action Outline Version 2

I enjoyed reading your outline. Lots of brutal action going on here.

I noted spelling errors. I gave you 3 Blue Ribbon passages. These are what I consider the best of your writing here.

I would appreciate it if you would consider reading and posting your opinions of my outline.

…Never Give Up

Joan Edwards

———

Russelton or Rusellton – spelled differently in some places.

Raman or Ragman – spelled differently in some places.

What is your pitch?

Oh my goodness! You certainly have brutal action in Scene 3 where Bucholz has them hurt him badly.

Blue Ribbon – Outstanding Writing – Some of the women fight back with mops, brooms, and cast iron skillets.

INT WALOSKI HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Left out t in they

Blue Ribbon – Outstanding Writing EXT. RUSSELLTON NO. 2 – AUCTION DAY

Buyers walk along the street perusing the items. The auctioneer begins the sale. Mr. Fred Broad, a businessman from New Kensington backed by the union, purchases all the items and returns them to the mine families.

EXT. RUSSELLTON REPUBLIC STEEL OFFICE – DAY

Clam should be calm.

Blue Ribbon Passage

EXT. RUSSELLTON, REPUBLIC STEEL OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

. The spooked stallion rears up …dumps Bucholtz…flinging its hooves it tramples him. The machine gunner freezes as do the other coal and iron police. Bucholtz is dead.

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Rebecca,

I’d love to exchange feedback with you!

[Joan Edwards]

Subject line: Joan Edwards’ Outline Version 1

Thanks for reading my outline. I would appreciate it if one of you will tell me which ideas work and note how I can improve the areas that are foggy.

Title: Bladen’s Revenge

Logline: Will a man whose family was homeless because of fraudulent foreclosure be able to control his anger when the same man scams his grandmother’s retirement funds.

Action Outline:

Blade’s Revenge

1. Ansaca Kennelworth’s lawyers draw up First and Second Mortgages and people sign them-not realizing they are two different mortgages that will require them to make with two different payments each month.

2. Ansaca along with his father stands smiling when Bladen and family are kicked out of their home. They foreclose forty other homes and kick out those families, too. Up and down the streets all you see is Foreclosed signs.

3. Bladen and family live in a car. Bladen loses fight with three school bullies making fun of his living arrangements. Then man teaches Bladen Tae Kwon Do.

4. Another fight with bully. Bladen beats up the three boys who attacked him.

5. Inciting Incident Years later Ansaca becomes CEO of Bulwark Bank in middle city USA. He scams Bladen’s Grandmother’s retirement money in an investment. Bladen interrogates his grandmother. Discovers in newspaper that the deal was fraudulent. Many others cheated out of life savings. No one caught as being responsible. One of them is the police chief. All of them have bank accounts with Bulwark Bank.

6. Bladen goes to bank and talks with bank official, Hank Smith who set up his Grandmother’s account. When Bladen leans on him by throwing a knife and barely misses his chin and hits the wall. Hank tells that

Ansaca made up the deal and told them they had to sell it or be canned. Hank states his children need food. Bladen states he’d better give him more facts or his children will be fatherless. Hank tells Bladen about a upcoming banking convention. Hank gives Bladen his credentials for getting in. Hank tells Bladen he’ll never pull it off. You don’t look anything like me.

7. Bladen disguises as Hank Smith and goes to Banking Convention. Ansaca brags to fake Hank Smith that no one could break into his bank and steal any amount of money and definitely couldn’t transfer funds out of the bank without him and his team knowing it.

8. Craig Newhouse, Bladen’s neighbor from old neighborhood sends letters demanding money to Bladen and Ansaca that he has condemning evidence from foreclosed homes that would put Ansaca in jail for a very long time. He plans to give the evidence to the highest bidder.

9. Ansaca states again that no one has the incriminating evidence except for him. He goes to see Craig to make sure. He discovers the papers are very incriminating and shoots Craig and takes the papers. Ansaca says no one can get to him. He has people in high places and people hidden who would stop anyone from breaking into his bank or his home. No one, especially not anyone from that decrepit neighborhood could get him arrested. If Bladen enters my bank, I’m going to kill him.”

10. Bladen hurries to Craig Newhouse. When Bladen gets there, Craig barely gets out “Ansaca.” Bladen searches and finds key to locker at Stateside Bank. Craig dies.

First Turning Point at end of Act 1

11. Ansaca finds out that Bladen has been asking questions about the security of his bank. He asks his Security team to investigate to find out who Bladen is and would he be able to do it. Ansaca sends guys to check out Bladen’s restaurant. Bladen in disguise serves them food. Bladen chops things in fine little pieces on their plates in front of them. They explain Bladen’s restaurant is legitimate and that Ansaca should eat there. Ansaca says he has nothing to fear from Bladen.

12. Bladen discovers Shay Security Systems trucks at the Bulwark Bank. Since he used to work for them, Bladen goes to security company’s office and deflects top notch programmer to coffee and steals secrets to locks on Bulwark Bank and Ansaca’s home.

13. Bladen goes to Bulwark Bank, guard spots him. Bladen departs quickly. Guards chase Bladen in one room and another in the loft area for safety deposit boxes. Bladen escapes through elevator inside the vault. He notes what he has to do next time…sees the kind of locks they have. Combination key, electronic, and fingerprint – no it’s saliva – spit empowered opening.

14. Ansaca calls Bladen on cellphone and asks him what’s up with his scouting expedition. Tells Bladen he’s onto him and his grandmother’s home is in jeopardy if Bladen does more investigating. Hangs up. DIRECT ORDER TO KILL ON SIGHT: Ansaca orders his men to kill Bladen if he is caught inside the vaults in the bank.

15. Bladen breaks in and enters bank in disguise to see safety box in vault. He expects to find papers that prove Ansaca’s guilt in the oversell of mortgages and foreclosures. But discovers Ansaca’s personal vaults are empty. Bladen figures they are at Ansaca’s home.

Mid-Point

16. Bladen calls on his 7 playground buddies who are now in high places in CIA, SWAT team, Makeup and disguises in Hollywood. Police Chief. Full out Attack: Using Seven Strategies they kidnap Ansaca’s guards and take their places. ACTION 7 GUYS GET INTO ANSACA’S HOME.

Second Turning Point at end of Act 2

17. Ansaca’s sends his highest skilled men to kidnap Bladen and keep him hostage. TURNS OUT THE GUYS PLAY CARDS, DRINK BEER. Bladen fills bottles with whiskey that so they are so loaded they can’t walk and pass out. Bladen gets away.

Crisis

18. Ansaca goes to bank to get secret documents. Real Bladen pins guards to the wall with his knives and daggers. He hogties them and mummifies them with ropes and huge double-sided cellophane tape. Bladen gets inside vaults. Ansaca puts documents from secret vault in a big briefcase and is about to escape when Bladen stands in front of him blocking his exit.

Climax

19. Bladen does Tae Kwon Do and forces Ansaca to drop his briefcase. Bladen gets the briefcase. His seven guys surround Ansaca and arrest him.

20. Bladen’s men transfer all Ansaca’s money and assets to bank account in Switzerland.

21. Ansaca by force has to step down as CEO and thinks he’s off free. But the CIA/FBI arrest him for fraudulently mishandling money and approving loans for people who can’t afford to pay them back. In the briefcase they find proof that Ansaca killed not only Craig Newhouse but three others from the neighborhood.

Epilog: Behind bars in federal prison in solitary confinement, no parole, for the rest of his life. Money distributed to families who lost homes and money in foreclosures.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Joan Edwards.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Hi Joan,

You have a unique concept with in the exploitive mortgage company and foreclosures. The outline contains a lot of potential for dramatic scenes. You must decide if you are aiming for drama or action. If you want action you might to start with your log-line to give a stronger motivation for fallowing action.

Consider: A man, victimized by a unscrupulous mortgage lender and rendered homeless, takes action when the lender scams his grandmother threatening to take all she owns. His investigation stirs up a hornet’s nest and puts his life in danger, when he learns the scope of the scam, fraudulent foreclosures, and the death of a former neighbor.

You might want to use the class skill mastery sheet as you evaluate your outline. It helped me to elevate my first draft to the version 2 that I posted. With only a few changes and additions you can turn it into an exciting action thriller.

Best,

Rebecca

[Joan Edwards]

Dear Rebecca,

Thank you for reading my outline for Bladen’s Revenge. You provided me with excellent ideas to improve my pitch and to add more action to it. You are a jewel. Thank you. Do something fun for you!

…Joan Edwards

[Joan Edwards]

Subject line: Joan Edwards’ Outline Version 2 Thanks for reading my outline. Please tell me which ideas work and note how I can improve the areas that are foggy.

What I learned in revising this outline is that using Hal’s Mastery Sheet helps give you amazing ideas when you spend time pondering the pitch and the action scenes. It’s also helpful when other people give you an idea you didn’t think of.

Title: Bladen’s Revenge

Logline: Victimized by an unscrupulous mortgage lender and rendered homeless, a man takes action when the lender scams his grandmother threatening to take all she owns. His investigation stirs up a hornet’s nest and puts his life in danger, when he learns the scope of the scam, fraudulent foreclosures, and the death of a former neighbor.

Action Outline:

Blade’s Revenge

1. Ansaca Kennelworth’s lawyers draw up First and Second Mortgages and Bladen’s parents sign them-not realizing they are two different mortgages that will require them to make with two different payments each month.

2. Ansaca along with his father stands smiling when Bladen and family are kicked out of their home. They foreclose forty other homes and kick out those families, too. Up and down the streets all you see is Foreclosed signs.

3. Bladen and family live in a car. Bladen loses fight with three school bullies making fun of his living arrangements. Man teaches Bladen Tae Kwon Do.

4. Another fight with bully. Bladen beats up the three boys who attacked him. Put in jail for one year for cutting off boy’s ear with knife. Swore he’d never get in jail again. He’d practice so he’d miss the body and play with their minds.

5. Inciting Incident Years later Ansaca becomes CEO of Bulwark Bank in middle city USA. He scams Bladen’s Grandmother’s retirement money in an investment. Bladen interrogates his grandmother. Discovers in newspaper that the deal was fraudulent and cheated many others out of life savings at Bulwark Bank, even the chief of police.

6. Bladen goes to Bulwark Bank and gets his Grandmother’s agent, Hank Smith’s attention when he throws a knife and barely misses his chin. Hank informs that Ansaca forced him to sell the deal or his children would starve. Bladen threatens Hank had better give him more facts or his children will be fatherless. Hank gives Bladen his credentials to pose as him at a banking convention to meet Ansaca. Hank tells Bladen he’ll never pull it off because Bladen doesn’t look anything like him.

7. Bladen disguises as Hank Smith at Banking Convention. Ansaca brags to fake Hank Smith that no one could break into his bank and steal any amount of money and definitely couldn’t transfer funds out of the bank without him and his team knowing it.

8. Craig Newhouse, Bladen’s neighbor from old neighborhood sends letters demanding money to Bladen and Ansaca boasts that he has condemning evidence for the highest bidder.

9. Ansaca shoots Craig and takes the incriminating papers. Ansaca brags that no one, especially not anyone from that decrepit neighborhood could get him arrested. If Bladen enters my bank, I’m going to kill him.

10. Bladen hurries to Craig Newhouse. When Bladen gets there, Craig barely gets out “Ansaca.” Bladen searches and finds key to locker at Stateside Bank. Craig dies.

First Turning Point at end of Act 1

11. Bladen discovers vans from Shay Security Systems, his former employer at the Bulwark Bank. Bladen goes to security company’s office and deflects top notch programmer to coffee and steals secrets to locks on Bulwark Bank and Ansaca’s home.

12. Bladen goes to Bulwark Bank, guard spots him. Bladen departs quickly. Guards chase Bladen in one room and another in the loft area for safety deposit boxes. Bladen escapes through elevator inside the vault. He notes kind of locks they have. Combination key, electronic, and fingerprint – no it’s saliva – spit empowered opening.

13. Ansaca calls Bladen, asks what’s up with his scouting expedition, and threatens Bladen says his grandmother’s home is in jeopardy if Bladen does more investigating. Hangs up. Ansaca gives DIRECT ORDER TO KILL Bladen ON SIGHT inside his bank.

14. Bladen breaks in and enters bank in disguise to see safety box in vault. He expects to find papers that prove Ansaca’s guilt in the oversell of mortgages and foreclosures. But discovers Ansaca’s personal vaults are empty. Bladen figures they are at Ansaca’s home.

Mid-Point

15. Bladen calls on his 3 playground buddies who are now in high places in CIA, SWAT team, Makeup and disguises in Hollywood and Police Chief. Full out Attack: Using Seven Strategies they kidnap Ansaca’s guards and take their places. ACTION 7 GUYS GET INTO ANSACA’S HOME.

Second Turning Point at end of Act 2

16. Ansaca’s sends his highest skilled men to kidnap Bladen and keep him hostage. TURNS OUT THE GUYS PLAY CARDS, DRINK BEER. Bladen fills bottles with whiskey that so they are so loaded they can’t walk and pass out. Bladen gets away.

Crisis

17. Ansaca goes to bank to get secret documents. Real Bladen pins guards to the wall with his knives and daggers. He hogties them and mummifies them with ropes and huge double-sided cellophane tape. Bladen gets inside vaults. Ansaca puts documents from secret vault in a big briefcase and is about to escape when Bladen stands in front of him blocking his exit.

Climax

18. Bladen does Tae Kwon Do and forces Ansaca to drop his briefcase. Bladen gets the briefcase. His guys surround Ansaca and police chief arrests him.

19. Bladen’s men transfer all Ansaca’s money and assets to bank account in Switzerland.

20. Ansaca by force steps down as CEO and thinks he’s off free. But the CIA/FBI arrest him for fraudulently mishandling money and approving loans for people who didn’t qualify and would not be able to pay the mortgage payments. In the briefcase they find proof that Ansaca killed not only Craig Newhouse but three others from the neighborhood.

Epilog: Behind bars in federal prison in solitary confinement, no parole, for the rest of his life. Money distributed to families who lost homes and money in foreclosures.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Joan Edwards.

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Joan,

I’d love to exchange feedback with you!

[Joan Edwards]

Thank you. That would be totally awesome. I’ll read yours and give you feedback.

[Ramelle Wiggins (Carter)]

@Joan Edwards I want to thank you on the feedback for the Cinnamon Story; it means a great deal and yes, rewite, rewrite is in the works.

Your script is very engaging. I would like to see this go further. The descriptions are impactful.

Good

17. Ansaca goes to bank to get secret documents. Real Bladen pins guards to the wall with his knives and daggers. He hogties them and mummifies them with ropes and huge double-sided cellophane tape. Bladen gets inside vaults. Ansaca puts documents from secret vault in a big briefcase and is about to escape when Bladen stands in front of him blocking his exit.

Your crisis is outright awesome. Continue with all that you have and bring us more in-depth into this scandal, and betrayal of brokenness.

Banks, fraud, home mortgage, government the ideas and imaginations could go on. All the best on this project.

Kudos

[Joan Edwards]

@Ramelle Wiggins (Carter)

You are very welcome for my feedback on your Cinnamon Story.

Thank you for your feedback for Bladen’s Revenge. I’m glad you think the descriptions were good. That makes me smile. I will continue to add things to make the descriptions compelling an the story intriguing with a feel-good ending.

Sincerely,

Joan Edwards

[Joan Edwards]

Cameron Martin’s Outline Version 2

Dear Cameron,

You have created an interesting script outline. Please disregard any idea I have that you do not think is a good one. This is your script. You are its creator. I like to throw out ideas to ponder. I want to encourage you, not discourage you.

Here are two Blue Ribbon Scene Descriptions

Blue Ribbon Plain and simple explanation. Scene 16. Gladiator battle. Janus and her Copy try to recover Calvex’s “voice,” which is the arena prize. The fight is a way to punish and execute Calvex, who is running the Lightning Run. Calvex must fight electrical impulses to dodge and survive deadly obstacles.

Blue Ribbon Scene 41. The Afterlife Protocol within the tower is free again. People living there are permitted to reincarnate and live outside of the tower, where we see that it is just one tower in a vast and vibrant city on another planet.

You used the word “just’ 6 times. Use it sparingly.

Suggest: Scene 5. Adam invites Janus to a revelation of a power she didn’t know she had…the power to duplicate herself.

Suggest: Scene 6 However, Janus performs this act without knowing that duplicating herself kills the host in a world where death should be impossible.

Question: Scene 30. Who attacks who? Attacks her, copying herself and thus raising the dead around them to fight for her.

Suggest: Scene 34. Adam, upon losing control in the Underworld, sees an Omen. If Janus returns, Adam threatens to destroy the world again and start over “because that’s what gods do.”

Question: Scene 39. Who reveals? It is revealed that if Janus kills Adam, it would erase her and her siblings too, since their code is intertwined with his. Adam offers eternity with Calvex, the man who helped bring her out of depression, in exchange for allowing Adam to rebuild.

[Cameron Martin]

Thanks Joan! Your notes were awesome for clearing up some of those vague scenes.

What I loved from your outline…

1. The concept: A wannabe ninja takes on a corrupt banking institution that preys on its members and cons them out of their life savings through the housing market. This is an exceptionally relevant and relatable antagonist and conflict, and I’d love to see the bad guy lose.

What I have questions about…

1. Ansaca is the big bad guy, but why would he handle all the dirty work and risk exposing himself? If he runs a bank and is getting richer than a banker already should be, wouldn’t he be able to hire henchmen and keep a low profile, similar to Gustavo Fring (Breaking Bad)? He’s really not careful enough to get away with any criminal activity, unless the authorities (FBI, CIA, Congress, or others) were in on the scams.

2. You can taste the difference between beer and whisky. It’s very noticeable, and the guards would not be caught off…err…guard by the switcheroo in scene 16. Maybe there’s another way to take out the guards other than, based on how I’m understanding this part, pouring out the beer, taking a bottle of Jack Daniels, and proceeding to fill up said beer bottle with the Jack Daniels, and then pretend the guards wouldn’t notice.

3. As much as I love Taekwondo, I’m not sure I buy the skill set shown, between throwing knives with accuracy and the two scenes that condense the entire plot of The Karate Kid to about 15 minutes max. Believe me, Taekwondo is a blast and has a lot of carryover to different fighting styles. I’d just like to see more that explains how Bladen became so efficient, because it takes years of continued training and learning from an instructor to do more than what’s shown on an everyday kickboxing workout from YouTube. Did he travel the world and learn from Ninjas (Batman Begins), did he join special forces (Commando, First Blood), is he doing the best he can when he’s not as proficient as his idols are (Kick Ass), Or did he learn from a master whose hands are considered lethal weapons (Con-Air) while he was serving time? If he’s super gifted, like he can watch a fighting style and immediately understand and copy what he sees (Chocolate), then that’s also cool, but needs just a little more setup.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Outline Version 3

Title: Possessing Eden

Logline: An android searches for redemption by fighting not only the forces of a mechanized hell scape, but by also confronting her own guilt that physically attacks her for control.

Scene 1. We open on the first floor of a massive nine story high rise. It’s a dark, maze-like ruin with holes in the wall that weave from one room to another, along with what appear to be grave sites toppled on top of each other. There, a child hides in the shadows from a mechanical being that just killed both of the child’s parents. Janus, an android with the ability to “possess” different machines, protects and saves this little boy from the killer robot.

Note-Possessing means she not only hacks the machine, but penetrates it and wraps the armor of the robot around her, like a cyberpunk version of a ghost going inside of and possessing a person.

Scene 2. The boy is missing a chip in his neck, something he needs to be admitted through the Afterlife Protocol. The boy is from the underworld, where they can’t be reincarnated or have everlasting life, and was crossing the border between the underworld and the upper nine floors with his family when they were attacked. Janus takes him to her creator, Adam, to ensure the promise of eternal life.

Scene 3. Adam, in a sermon to people plugged into virtual meeting, recounts a story of how he constructed the tower as a last bastion of mankind and created Guardian Angels, like Janus, in his image, so that they would have dominion over the world.

Scene 4. Janus competes in a game with her siblings to test their skill in protecting the first 9 floors from the forces of the underworld: the bottom 9 floors that live underground in rebellion. Janus wins with Adam watching.

Scene 5. Adam invites Janus to a revelation of a power she didn’t know she had.

Scene 6. Adam teaches Janus to duplicate herself. It is an act that relies on deleting the consciousness of the host, in order to use their body. However, Janus performs this act without being told that duplicating herself would bring a permanent end to the host in a world where death should be impossible.

Scene 7. Janus, distraught, refuses to believe she can’t bring the victim back. She makes a plan with her Copy to bring the person she killed back to life.

Together, they’ll steal the code Adam used to create her and her siblings. Next, they’ll venture to the source of the Nexus, the platform for the Afterlife Protocol, deep inside the underworld. Together, they plan to merge the code with the Copy’s body, which was the victim’s body, hoping the combination of latent data within said body and Adam’s code will bring the individual back to life again, essentially rewriting the information that once made up the consciousness of the individual.

Scene 8. Janus, with the help of her double, breaks into Adam’s personal library to steal the code.

Scene 9. Janus and Copy fight Janus’ siblings on their way down the first 9 floors.

Scene 10. Adam begs Janus not to go, offering absolution in the form of erasing hers and everyone else’s memory of the victim so that no guilt can be felt or placed.

Scene 11. Janus and her Copy cross into the Underworld, choosing to do what’s right based on their own morality, instead of opting for the easy way offered by Janus’ creator.

Scene 12. Adam addresses humanity and ostracizes Janus as a fallen angel and demon who must be stopped.

In private, Adam splits into two different versions of himself. One side argues Janus should be shown the love a daughter deserves. The other half argues Janus refused the power and knowledge she possesses, and that it is the same as refusing him, since she was made to be like him. In the second version’s mind, he was first rejected by GOD, long ago. Now, he’s being rejected by his own progeny. The two halves fight, one for Janus and the other for his pride. The prideful half kills the loving half.

Scene 13. Adam sells Janus out to a group a slavers: The first part of a trap. When the slavers ask Adam why, he offers them the question of how many Adam’s they think there are, showing his hand that the version they’re conversing with may be unique to the one the underworld is familiar with.

Scene 14. Janus and Copy confront cyborg slavers and are captured.

Scene 15. Janus and Copy meet Calvex, a mute gladiatorial slave. He agrees to help them out of the Arena and guide them through the underworld, if they can rescue him from the Lightning Run and bring him his “voice.”

Scene 16. Gladiator battle. Janus and her Copy try to recover Calvex’s “Voice,” which is the arena prize. The fight is a way to punish and execute Calvex, who is running the Lightning Run. Calvex must fight electrical impulses to dodge and survive deadly obstacles.

Scene 17. Janus secures the Voice, overcoming the gladiator pit’s opponents, and rescues Calvex from the lightning run. But the gladiatorial ring leader, Alrick, uses a shape-shifting, nano bot weapon to mortally damage Janus.

Scene 18. Then, a platoon of Adam’s robot sentries enter the ring. The people of the underworld fight back, and it quickly turns into a riot. The sentries reach Janus and tear her apart.

Scene 19. Janus learns she can reincarnate anywhere, since she was given “free will.” She returns to life inside her Copy’s body and shares it with her.

Scene 20. Janus and her Copy fight through, recovering one of Janus’ arms that was torn off, and giving the Voice to Calvex, who uses it to gain control of one of the gladiator pit’s mechanized giants and escape with the two Januses.

Scene 21. Adam devises a plan to break Janus by using the family of the person she killed. One of the angels asks Adam why there’s so much effort being put into destroying Janus when she’s trying to bring someone back to life. When the angel doesn’t buy the argument that Janus betrayed them, Adam splits into two different versions of himself again, one that agrees, and another that recontextualizes the argument as sedition and justifies the old testament flooding of the earth. That version of Adam kills both his copy and the angel, his own child.

Scene 22. Adam links a conversation between Janus and the family. Janus’ Copy stays out of the way and watches Janus feel the full weight of her guilt.

Scene 23. Janus reaches a village on the seventh floor of the underworld. Janus is thanked by the village for saving Calvex. The original Janus is given a robot surrogate to possess, so that she and her Copy can be in separate bodies again. In addition, the surrogate body is augmented with one of Janus’ original arms that was saved in the gladiator pit, so she can still perform the act of possessing machines and resurrect the person she killed.

Scene 24. Cavlex takes the original Janus hunting to calm her nerves and show what life is like in the underworld, apart from the horrors faced before, while the Copy stays with the village to guard it.

Scene 25. Copy defends the village from Adam’s Guardian Angels who tell her she shouldn’t even be in the underworld, and offer a place in Arcadia as Janus’ replacement on the condition of killing her counterpart.

Scene 26. Adam tells the Copy how to kill the original, explaining that for people like them, killing parts of yourself is necessary to become pure and holy.

Scene 27. Calvex and Janus return to the village to stave off the Guardian Angels. The rift between the two Januses widens.

Scene 28. Calvex leads Janus past the 8th floor, and to the 9th floor, which is littered with robotic corpses, like a hundred battles had taken place on this one floor, and no victories were won. Janus tries to bring her victim back to life. It appears to work, but…

Scene 29. Adam snaps the trap, playing a trick on the two Januses by heightening the horror of the murder that lead to the creation of the Copy. Janus is mentally broken, and her Copy makes her decision.

Scene 30. The Copy attacks Janus. Janus holds her own to defend Calvex, but her copy begins to duplicate herself amongst the dead robots and overwhelm Janus. Meanwhile, Janus refuses to copy herself again due to the guilt associated with the act, and is about to be killed by her dark side. Calvex is able to save Janus at the last moment, but at the cost of his own life.

Scene 31. Janus influenced by Calvex’s sacrifice, is able to move past her guilt, forgiving herself, and begin reducing her Copy’s army until she merges with her Copy, instead of killing her, and becomes a whole person again.

Scene 32. Janus is able to plug Calvex into the Nexus to try to admit him through the Afterlife Protocol. But a firewall created by Adam prevents her from resurrecting her friend. If Calvex is to be brought back to life, Janus must eliminate her creator, Adam.

Scene 33. Janus returns to the village to give the bad news and ask for help, promising to bring the people of the underworld the opportunity for eternal life through the Afterlife Protocol.

Scene 34. Adam, upon losing control in the Underworld, sees an Omen. He threatens Janus to never return, or he’ll destroy the world again and start over, “because that’s what gods do.”

Scene 35. Janus must choose whether to save Calvex or risk everyone else’s doom. Janus chooses to take action, believing the means justify the ends.

Scene 36. Janus gathers forces in the Underworld to take the upper 9 floors and rid the world of Adam. Together, they fight their way up each of the 9 floors. The majority of the force takes on the brunt of the defenses…

Scene 37. Meanwhile, Janus leads a separate, smaller party to Adam’s library, where his code is kept. Her siblings intercept her though, and she fights them again under different circumstances. Janus breaks through…

Scene 38. Reaching the mainframe and source of Adam’s code. She plugs in and reaches the Nexus, a digital reality where we see the Afterlife Protocol in action.

Scene 39. Adam reveals to Janus that in order to kill him, she would have to erase her and her siblings’ code as well, since all of their code is intertwined with his. Adam offers eternity with Calvex, the man who helped bring her out of depression, in exchange for allowing Adam to rebuild.

Adam cannot destroy the world, because as a computer virus, he’s been contained to the tower. But, Janus and Calvex could live an eternity outside of the tower, where Adam also reveals that the world is much bigger and still full of life; the tower is not the last bastion of mankind as previously taught.

Scene 40. Janus sacrifices herself and kills Adam.

Scene 41. The Afterlife Protocol within the tower is free again. People living there are permitted to reincarnate and live outside of the tower, where we see that it is simply one tower in a vast and vibrant city on another planet.

[Ramelle Wiggins (Carter)]

Thanks @Cameron Martin for your feedback. I am still in the process of the second version of my Cinnamon Story.

I have read “Possessing Eden” and I am still waiting for some dialogue. The story has great details but there is no character building.

An example in the open

Scene 1. We open on the first floor of a massive nine story high rise. It’s dark, a maze-like ruin with holes in the wall that weave from one room to another, and what appear to be grave sites toppled on top of each other. There, a child hides in the shadows from a mechanical being that just killed both of the child’s parents. Janus, an android with the ability to “possess” different machines, protects and saves this little boy from the killer robot.

Great details but no storyline.

Details of the (maze-like) ruin. Paint a picture. It seems interesting but you write (what appears to be kinda like you not sure)

Then you have the boy who is missing a device from his neck, needed for the afterlife protocol.

I am sure once this gets loaded it will be great. Although the descriptions are captivating, it is not pulling me in to know more.

Hope this helps and all the best on your ventures.

[Joan Edwards]

Dear Cameron,

Thanks for pointing out that it’s easy to distinguish between beer and whiskey.

Thanks for explaining that you believe Ansaca would get someone else to do his dirty work for him.

Thanks for telling me that you’d like to know how Bladen got so good at all his skills.

I appreciate your feedback. I’ll ponder your ideas and revise my outline. Enjoy your writing. Yo are good at it.

Sincerely,

Joan

[Tarina Swanepoel]

Tarina’s Outline – THE HUNT

I am ready to exchange feedback with someone please.

1. OPENING

V23 Millionaire maniac using a global assassination program to take over the economy, politics, and power in the world.

V4 The global assassination program is already working – he can give assassination orders to ordinary people with subliminal waves through the internet. This makes every person a weapon.

A1 Shows secretary, bodyguard, and driver busy on the internet in the morning or night before the attacks. They kind of stare into the screen blink for a long moment and continue as if nothing happened.

A3 A secretary suddenly throws her boss off the balcony looking dazed afterword’s not understanding what happened.

A4 A bodyguard pulls his weapon and shoot his client.

A5 A driver with a senator drives full speed into oncoming traffic.

A2 Several world leaders and influencers are assassinated by people they know and trust. Chaos erupts all over the world in the matter of hours (as seen on news bulletins that report on the incidents above)

2. THE INCITING INCIDENT

V1 Krueger have a plan and it is in place before the Nina knows it.

V2 He have unlimited money and resources.

V3 Unlimited bad guys to fulfil the hitman contract.

V16 He has an elaborate plan to take her out before she can shut down the program.

M11 Krueger uses everyday people to hunt her down as well as all his contacts and money. He has unlimited resources

M4 Krueger knows she have the code in her head that can destroy the global assassination program that his father forced her parents to develop.

Pre-Action

· Create the need for action.

The government are also hunting her, they found out about the code and the program, and that Krueger is using the program for the recent assassinations. They don’t want to destroy it; they want to use it and they need to kill or capture her to prevent her from destroying the program. She doesn’t need to unlock the code. She already have it but now Krueger and the government are hunting her, each for its own purpose.

Employee of government report to senior about assassinations over the last 48 hours that are questionable…

Especially after a British minister was in a fatal accident. Camera footage inside the car shows the security detail calmly shooting the driver and then the minister and then just sit in the car till apprehended. He is currently in custody for questioning and can’t even remember doing it.

Senior takes it up the command – this confirms their suspicions about Krueger’s global assassination program being used. They know about it because of the information that Nina gave them when she escaped and turned witness against Krueger’s father. They were however under the impression that Nina’s parents were developing it, but that it was destroyed with them when Nina escaped. Nina also told them that there are a kill code to the program should someone else develop it from the scraps that’s left.

They Need to infiltrate Krueger and steal the program and destroy his copy. The government want to use it as their own weapon. But they don’t know Krueger’s base – he moved underground to a new facility after the incarceration of his father and even after all the fortunes that his family lost because of it – he still had millions in offshore accounts that they could not trace and therefore he were able to start again and this time even bigger than his father. They have been tracking him and his operations for a while but are unable to make leeway.

They need to find Nina to make sure she does not destroy the program with the code.

They then want to use her as bait to find Krueger.

They sent a team of three operatives that she knows and trust (they protected her during the pre-trail and afterwards) to bring her in.

They are dispatched to her location – the government kept tabs on her (she did not know)

A6 Attacked by civilians several times on her way to work. Krueger knew her route to work as well as her routine, he used people using the same route to attack her.

A7 It shows Nina evading and fighting free from her attackers. Confused she flee to safety; her heart is clearly racing she is trembling and anxious. Fighting to catch her breath she gets dizzy and pass out. She comes to with voices of concern from strangers around her. She pushes the people away and get to her feet stumbling away in a daze. Flashes of 54321 that fades away into a jumble of numbers.

A8 She is feeling worse and worse… stumble and passes out again. When she comes too, she is not only seeing the flashes but also hearing her mother’s voice – find this…. find this…. find this. She knows she is not safe and go to a locker at a train station and retrieve a bag. In the bathroom of the train station, she violently vomits… confusion is clear… why is she sick… what happened in the office…

Looking in the bathroom mirror the flashbacks and hearing her mother’s voice are now mixed with images from her past. She is in clear discomfort and still being sick. Conversations with her parents, telling her to always be ready to flee, always have more than one route out… flashes of Krueger’s lab with her and her parents in it…. Flashes of a much younger her running, fleeing, and crying, shots fired and fires ablaze behind her. Trying to take control she washes her face and take some deep breaths. Take a cap, wig, jacket, and sunglasses out of the bag. Cash and passports as well as a cell phone are seen in the bag.

3. END OF ACT ONE: FIRST TURNING POINT

4.

M7 She needs to find the operatives that kept her save after she escaped waiting to testify against Krueger’s father. She trusts them to watch her back while she figures out what are going on.

She is on a train, still violently ill, vomiting and now with headache and still dizziness and confusion. Flashbacks are stronger and stronger. She takes out the phone switch it on and dial the only number in the contact list – saying one word before shutting it off. She passes out again. More of her past are remembered as well as the new flashback of the bar of candy and her mother’s voice. (Her mother explaining the buried code)

She is looking sicker than before… the flashes are violently and continuous at this stage. The train stops and she stumbles out… almost faint as steps onto the platform. People are looking strangely at her. She mumbles and continue her way bumps into a strong body. Arms take hold of her as she finally faints and carry her away. Three men are seen around her – confusion, concern and anger in their voices and behaviour.

She comes too and are still confronted with her mother’s voice and the flashes. Vomits. Some more memories from her past. She explains to the men what happened. It becomes clear that they were the ones protecting her after her escape from the lab and before she gave evidence to put Krueger’s father away

A9 Krueger finds out that she is still alive…Facial recognition software recognised her even with the wig and sunglasses. Find them, use all assets available at her last known location.

One of his thugs – start to follow them. He and one of the operatives clearly look at each other with recognition. Something is brewing here. Find the operatives that protected her last time and kill them… put a bounty on her head. The bounty is an insane amount to kill her, but it will also pay for each operative taken out. Use facial recognition software and have the global assassination program ready for target. She must die – TODAY

Together with the operatives she goes on the internet and search the flashback 54321 when looking at the image on the screen her head are filled with conversations with her parents that where locked away, the code was put there by her parents as a failsafe to the program. She now knows it is in use now because of what the operatives told her, and she must stop it. Being sick is a side effect that her parents did not know will happen when they programmed the code into her brain. It also makes it difficult for her to understand what to do to unlock the full code.

M5 For Krueger this is not only about the code in her head. It is also personal for him. He also wants to avenge his father’s imprisonment and death. He uses all his money, contacts, and the global assassination program to hunt her down.

V13 He knows her parents created the global assassination program and gave up their lives so that she could escape and stop the program.

V14 He hates her guts for escaping and he knows how intelligent she is and that the kill code to his program is with her…his father always thought that she was more valuable than he was.

V17 He knows that she was the one to lead the government to capture his father and provide the evidence needed to lock him in prison for life. So, his father valued her more than him, yet she was the one that lead to his imprisonment. Even after that his father always talked of her capabilities in awe. He is jealous of her.

V18 He also keeps her responsible for the death of his father in prison. (His father’s death pushed him over his last bit of sanity and as revenge on the world he wants to fulfil his father’s wish to use the global assassination program to reshape the world economy, politics, and power. Their family will be reborn and reshape the world to his wishes. Even in death he still wants to show his father his worth.

V10 He knows her very well as he was the only other kid in the underground lab where she and her parents were held captive, and he would use to torment her for his own pleasure.

V11 He was part of her trauma back then by bullying her to win his father’s approval.

V15 He knows all her weaknesses as well as all her trauma and he intend to use it in every way he can.

In their last encounter he almost beat her to death and tried to rape her to degrade her and make her brake to his will. In bad shape she fights him off and end up thrusting a paper knife into his groin. His father laughs at his poor attempt of being a man… of having power. She flees shortly after the incident while he is still in the lab’s sick bay. Lost his manhood.

M2 Her parents died to give her a chance to escape and deliver the evidence so that Krueger’s father can be put away in prison.

M3 After years in captivity, she loves the freedom of her new world that came at a terrible cost. Only now it is threatened by the son of the man that held her captive all those years ago – now he uses the world she loves to hunt her down.

A10While in a coffee shop one of the operative excuses himself to the bathroom, when he walks in the thug from the train station looks back at him from the mirror and nods before walking out. While she is still searching on the internet for the flashback 54321 the operative comes back from the bathroom, and shortly thereafter they are attacked by several of Krueger’s operatives. They escape into the tube station.

EXT/INT. TRAIN STATION – MORNING

Nina and the operatives hurry down the steps into the overcrowded underground station. Hurriedly the operatives conceal their weapons. They stand positioned around Nina and Bruce move to a higher part of the steps to have over watch.

CUT TO:

INT. KRUEGER’S LAB – MORNING

Several monitors flicker with facial recognition programs running. Suddenly one of them sound an alarm and zoom in on Nina, Aron and Sly’s faces. Krueger jumps up excitedly from a plush chair and small table where he was eating a healthy breakfast of scones, fruit, coffee, and orange juice.

KRUEGER

That’s them! Find the third operative!

The program scans through all the passengers waiting for the incoming train. Sly is looking back at the steps where several people are shouting in anger because the are pushed aside by the thugs chasing them.

CUT TO

EXT/INT. TRAIN STATION – MORNING

Bruce quickly moves to the side of the steps and with a quick flick of his knife punctures heart of the first operative that passes him from the steps to the platform. The man silently bend over, and Bruce gently let him slide to the side of the steps. He moves away immediately.

CUT TO:

INT. KRUEGER’S LAB – MORNING

This action however draws the focus of the program and another alarm start to sound in the lab. The four people file into the train with several other passengers. The operatives bang against the closed train doors as they are too late to enter.

KRUEGER

Activate the program. Kill them! Kill them now!

CUT TO:

INT. TRAIN CAR – MORNING

Nina slumps into a seat with Aron and Bruce next to her. Sly moves away from them but keep standing so that he have a clear view of both sides of the car.

NINA

How did they find us so quickly?

BRUCE

Fuck knows! Sly I am getting sick of these bastards. We have to change the deck. We are fighting with one hand tied behind our backs.

Before Sly can answer – some people that where previously shown on their phones, suddenly start to attack them.

ARON

SHIT!

For a moment the operatives and Nina watch as a zombie apocalypse start to come down on them. Even an old lady knitting try to stab Sly with her knitting needle. Sly pushes her away without much effort. A young group of FOUR typical black gangster youths pull a various array of knives and guns, and the operatives snap back to action. As they start shooting, Bruce clips two of them in the head and Aron knocks another one to the ground with a knee to the groin and a fist to the face. Nina screams. They all whip around to see several people climbing onto her. Like a rugby scrum falling. An older man in a striped suit and with a red tie, strangles her from behind. She claws at his eyes, but her hands and arms are pulled away almost tearing them from her body. She screams in agony. Aron shoots the last of the remaining youths. Sly and Bruce struggles to pull the people from Nina. She is starting to turn blue around her lips and her eyes are wide with panic and fear. Sly takes aim and shoot the man in the suit between the eyes. Blood and brain matter spray over Nina and the people on top of her. He slumps down and disappear under the sea of bodies. Nina pulls air into her lungs, screaming in pain at the same time as a sharp object enters her leg. The three operatives start to disentangle the heap of flesh around Nina. They knock unconscious, stab and shoot their way through sea of bodies. People start to fall to the ground as suddenly the whole train accelerates causing the last people around Nina to bounce around the car injuring themselves.

BRUCE

I’ll check it out!

Moves to the front of the train through the last two cars where people are screaming in fear.

ARON

Picking Nina up moves into the next car and Sly shuts the door into several people’s faces. Struggling they try to open the door from the other side still trying to kill them. Several people fall to the tracks between the two cars as the people shove them from behind. He see a lady holding a folded umbrella. He shoves it through the handles of the door. They train is now going full speed and people screaming deafens out the noise of the whipping wind from the outside. Aron are checking Nina for injuries and with a piece of his shirt tie a bandage around her leg.

BRUCE

Enters the conductor’s compartment by shooting out the window and opening the door. The driver looks around and try to stop him. Bruce hit him behind the head with the butt of his gun and he slumps back in his seat. His hand hovers over the control for a moment looking as if he is going to increase the speed even further, just as Sly sticks his head in from behind.

SLY

Can you stop it?

BRUCE

Looking annoyed.

Just about too.

He start to gently pull back on the lever. Decreasing speed till the train comes to a complete standstill. A moment of dead silence are heard in the dark tunnel, before a commotion erupts from behind them. Several shots are heard with people screaming.

SLY

Shit!

They swiftly move to the train car with Aron and Nina. The same scene greets them as before. Aron are pushed against the doors shielding Nina from the crowd with his body. Sly sprints start to shoot just behind Aron and Nina, the emergency escape glass shatters. Bruce and Sly fight their way through the crowd to Aron and Nina. As they keep the people off Aron helps Nina out the window before the other two follow. Without talking they start to fall back to the back of the train. As they pass the train car were the first attack happened, they can see several dead and mangled bodies. Nina gasps and just then one person see them and start to follow them on the inside of the car never breaking eye contact. Aron takes aim and with one shot shatters the window before the second brings him down in his tracks. They quickly move along and vanish in the darkness behind the train.

MIDPOINT

M16 Can she trust the operatives to keep her safe, can she trust her own abilities? Fight and run, fight, and run. She keeps getting new flashbacks and each new one makes her violently ill. Is she interpreting the pieces correctly? Suddenly she starts to get the first flashback again. Did she screw up?

EXT/INT. CAR CHASE – AFTERNOON

Several cars are chasing the car with NINA and the operatives. BRUCE are driving. A silver car hangs back ARON sits next to him, shooting away at the black car next to them and hitting the driver in the head. The black car loses control and with a wild turn runs into a metal pole bringing it to a complete standstill.

BRUCE

Grunts …in annoyance.

From behind Bruce SLY stops shooting at the black car hanging on to their taillights and look across him to NINA. Nina are looking weak, dehydrated and dishevelled. With every movement of the car, she are tossed about. She looks at him pleadingly. The next moment the black car rams into them from behind as a white bakkie ram them from the side. Nina and Sly slams into the front seats and Aron into the dash.

SLY

Shit!!! Bruce you need to lose these guys now!

BRUCE

Gritting through his teeth.

Trying bro…

Aron motion to Bruce to speed up. As they catch up with the white bakkie and he sprays it with bullets ripping through their windows and windshield. It shatters all over the two thugs inside. The one in the passenger seat turns around and start to fire through the now vacant back window.

ARON

Bruce get met closer!

Bruce looks into his side mirror seeing the silver car hanging back just behind the black car who are trying to push him from the left side into the white bakkie, he step on the petrol speeding them forward.

ARON

Pull the pin from a grenade and toss it onto the back of the bakkie.

Brace!

Seeing the grenade, Bruce brake with force leaving the black car and white bakkie serving into each other just as the grenade explodes. Flames erupt and several fragments and pieces of car are propelled into them and their surrounding area. He swerves to miss a piece of tire and turn into the next side street. Now it is only the silver car left.

SLY

Slaps Aron from the back on his shoulder.

Nice tossing A!

He looks back making sure no one else are following them.

Were clean.

Nina looks relieved.

NINA

No more surprises can Krueger just get the message and back off.

The silver car catches up to them and pull in next to them matching their speed. Nina SCREAMS, pointing at the silver car.

Look out!

As he passes Bruce and the driver nods to each other, and he move in front of their car. Bruce reduces his speed and start to follow the silver car.

ARON

He could have helped a bit you know…

SLY

Give it a rest A.

NINA

What are going on, shy are we following that car. That are one of Krueger’s men, he was just shooting at us minutes ago!

PAUSES a moment.

Guys?

Confusion are clear on her face. The three operatives ignore her. Bruce looks back at her in the mirror making eye contact but don’t acknowledge her in any way. Sly just look at her and the look at Aron who is looking back at him. Realization dawns on Nina’s face, disbelief, horror and shock alternates on her face.

NO!

She fumbles with her seatbelt and at the same time reaches out to open the door. Sly in one smooth moment slides across her seat and pull the fighting Nina away from the door.

SLY

NINA!

She are weak but fights on, pushing and hitting him wherever she find a open spot. He blocks her blows and then pull her into his chest holding her arms down next to her body. She thrashes against him and kicks Aron from behind. Aron catches her legs and hold them tight between the two seats. Realizing the futility of her attempt to escape she stops her thrashing but SCREAMS in frustration. The operatives keep their hold. The car turns into an old factory yard and pull into the abandoned factory, parking inside the building together with the silver car. Nina start to vomit but there are no fluids left in her body and dry RETCHING sounds fill the sudden silence. The operatives let go of her and file out of the car. Bruce locks the car and they meet up with the thug. Nina watches in horror as they shake hands and talk like long lost buddies. Why did they betray her, was it for the money? How can this be.

NINA

Mumbles softly to herself, defeat and hurt showing on her face.

How could they? Money?

A sob mixed with a sound struggling to breathe leave her body as she slumps back into the seat. Bruce unlocks the car and open her car door. Nina scoots back away from him, only to land into the arms of Aron who opened the other door. He pulls her from the car.

ARON

Nina, will you calm down.

With fury she pulls her arm out of his grasp and without looking at him or Bruce walks to Sly who is motioning her into a room. She marches past him with her last strength hanging only on because she will not give them the satisfaction of seeing that they have won. They broke her spirit with this betrayal.

As she walks inside she looks for any possible means of escape. The room are dishevelled but clean and clearly lived in. The secondhand furniture have seen better days, but she can see no obvious ways of escape. The thug turns from a cupboard holding a medical kit. He smiles and start to prepare a drip bag. Sly pushes her down in the only armchair available.

Sly, Aron and Bruce position themselves around her.

SLY

Nina you may know this man…

Thug turns around and remove his baseball cap, wig and glasses. Nina looks at him a moment and shakes her head.

Look again Nina.

She lifts her head looking at him.

He is one of Krueger’s men, you may remember him as a much younger man.

THUG

Moves slowly to the chair while taking out a packet of salt and vinegar crisps.

I used to guard you and your parents in the lab.

NINA

Confusion and then recognition followed by disgust spread over her face.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. LAB – THAT MOMENT

A young Nina is sitting on a chair next to a big machine. With hate on her face, she looks on as a guard brutally shoves her malnourished father to the machine. You know the drill professor. No work, no child… He moves over to her and take out a pack of crisps. He opens it just under her nose. Knowing what would come next she holds her breath… 1sec…2sec…3 sec… 10sec… she inhales sharply, and her nose are immediately filled with the flavour of salt and vinegar crisps. Her mouth fills up with saliva and she try not to swallow it back as she know it will give him so much satisfaction. She try not to inhale a second time but again the salty, vinegary smell reach through her nostrils into the deepest part of her sensory organs. A deep rumble from her tummy makes the guard laugh out loud. A handful of crisps make it into his mouth just inches away from her face. She can hear the crunchiness and almost taste them. Her eyes never leaves his face… she will not give in. With laughter he empties the packet in front of her, then shakes the last crumbs out on her lap… shoving the empty packet into his pocket he moves off to the side of the room. She takes a quick swallow before he turns around to face them again.

INT. LAB – LATER

Nina are still sitting in the same chair. She balances the crumbs of the crisps on her lap, hating herself for it. The guard moves from his post and shoves her father to the side.

GUARD

Enough!

Nina cringes inside. This time… this time she will win. Stopping in front of her the guard unfolds the crisp bag. Opening it the smell immediately fills the air around them. He waves the bag in front of her, waiting for her to grab it. She know he will only snatch it away, so she move to sit on her hands and see the crumbs fell to the floor. This makes the guard laugh so hard.

GUARD

Tony! Hey Tony come check this out.

A second guard enters the room, he clearly knows the drill. She feel the red haze of anger and embarrassment washing over her face. She catches her mother’s eye and the light shake of her head. She inhales deeply in an effort to stop the trembling of her body and mind and again inhales the heavenly smell of salt and vinegar. The guards laugh and as they leave the room the first guard tosses the packet on the ground and step on it, while still looking at her. As the door closes she scrambles off the chair deaf to the pleas of her parents, she scoops up the packet and settles in a corner. Placing the packet around her mouth and nose she savours every breath. With her delicate fingers she slowly reach into the corners of the packet and tease the last crumbs out of their hiding spaces. As she suck them off her finger a tear rolls down her face. He won again. She tosses the packet away from her feeling ashamed and angry unable to look at her parents, she curls up into a ball, hearing the door open she know the guard will know he won. Again.

NINA

YOU! She spat the word out at him.

THUG

Nina you have no reason to trust me, but please just listen to me out.

PAUSES and takes a deep breath.

You may not believe me, but I hope you do. You parents gave me a word for this day. Cuddle Snuggles

NINA

Draws in her breath sharply and if possible she turned from green to white. Confusion, and memories flood her face.

No! That is impossible! That is our safe phrase…

THUG

My friend, your father gave it to me the day I helped you escape. The day I saw him and your mom die, unable to help them. The day I promised to protect you like my own.

NINA

Screaming

You were never his friend!

Spat in his face!

You hated us! You were the worst of them all!

THUG

Yes, I were. I were the worst of them all, but I never physically harmed them and always, always had their backs. Somehow me and your father clicked we became friends and to hide that friendship and everything I smuggled into them, to you I had to be the meanest mother fucker so that no one would suspect anything and so that they would keep posting me there as part of the mind games that they played with your family. At least with me your parents always knew what to expect and they knew that every time you left that room I would keep an eye out for you as far as possible.

And that day of your escape, if not for me causing a diversion you would never have escaped. It was the hardest thing I had to do in my life, because I knew they would die in the process. There was no other way.

Takes a deep breath.

I have been keeping watch over you ever since. I promised your parents to give you a normal life to give you space but to always watch over you. I stayed in business with Krueger’s father and after his capture stayed on with Krueger himself so that I could see the danger coming and be prepared. Since these guys started protecting you at the pre-trial hearings, I made contact with them, and we have all been looking out for you since then.

NINA

Breaths deeply in and out. This is too much. Her head is spinning, and she is so confused. First the attacks, then the flashbacks, memories, the puzzles and now this… With shaking hands and legs feeling like rubber she pushes herself from the chair and the salt and vinegar smell overwhelms her again… With her hand in front of her mouth she looks frantically for the bathroom.

THUG

Indicating a door.

This way.

NINA

Stumbles to the bathroom. Retching and vomiting can be heard and then quiet.

BRUCE

With concern on his face.

This might have been too much for her.

SLY

Slams his fist into the table in front of him. Frustration and guilt washes over his face.

Damn! We did not have a choice. We need a break, and we need to figure this out and Ben can help with both. It was time to play open cards.

ARON

Guys!

Aron is bending over Nina in the bathroom. She is having a full-blown panic attack. Shaking, sweating and breathing fast and with shallow gasps she sits on the bathroom floor hugging herself tightly. Aron sits down next to her and effortlessly pulls her onto his lap. His arms wraps around her, and he start to speak to her in a soft and comforting manner.

Ok girl, I’ve got you. Deep breath, deep breath. It’s ok.

All of the operatives file into the bathroom, concern and guilt clear on their faces. Ben comes in with a glass of liquid and a brown paper bag.

BEN

Handing the items to Aron.

It will help with the shock. I think it is best if I stay outside for now.

ARON

Holds the glass to Nina’s lips and help her to drink it. All the time talking very calmly to her.

SLY

You stay with her A; we will go and catch up with Ben.

ARON

Nods and pushes her head back into his shoulder. Holding the brown paper bag in front of her mouth he help her to take deep and calming breaths. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out his cell phone.

How about some calming tunes?

He moves his finger over an internet screen searching for music.

CUT TO:

INT. FACTORY – NOON

Ben and the remaining operatives sit around the table.

SLY

So, explain to me how this fuck can target us the whole time. I get the facial software, but the civilians at Nina’s office and that shit on the train had nothing to do with facial recognition.

BEN

So, this program that Nina’s parents created. It can target anyone through the internet, using subluminal orders it can control them. They don’t understand what they are doing – like a person sleep walking.

So basically, if you are on the net and the device have a camera eye, you are vulnerable to become a puppet.

BRUCE

You’re shitting me!

SLY

Why the hell would they develop such shit?

BEN

This was one of several projects they worked on. They were probably the best scientists of their time and remember they were under constant duress since her birth. This program were actually never finished. We planned the escape before they could finish and as a failsafe they programmed the kill code into Nina’s brain. I was the only one that knew about it, but since the program were unfinished I had no concern about it.

SLY

So how the hell did they start to use it if it was never finished and how did you not know this in time.

BEN

Well as always Krueger sent me away to make the rounds at all his different facilities. It takes more than a while and I have to keep an eye on Nina as well. He started using the program in that time and I only found out yesterday when I checked in. Regarding the program he found another scientist and a Russian whizz kid with computers. Between the two of them and they are as crazy as Krueger, they figured out the glitches and made some of their own tweaks. So instead of just controlling people they programmed it to become a weapon.

BRUCE

So basically anyone, anywhere, anytime

can become an assassin.

A moment of silence follows as they try to absorb this information. Aron with his arm around a still shaking Nina walks in. He blinks rapidly in the bright light of the room and for a moment only looks a bit dazed. He shakes his head and lead Nina back to the chair. He joins the guys at the table and Sly brings him up to speed. Bruce moves over to Nina with the medical kit and start to administer some medicine and fluids to her for the vomiting and dehydration.

ARON

Moves to the fridge and takes out a soft drink, as he snaps open the can he seems a bit off. He takes a long drink and then calmly throws it in the air. The spinning can spew its content all over the room. Sly and Bruce reaches for their guns and aim at the can. In one smooth motion Aron pulls his gun and start shooting. One bullet hits Bruce centre mass and he drops down like a puppet whose strings are cut. Sly tips Nina and the chair over, he and Ben start to fire at Aron who are now turning to concentrate his fire on Nina.

SLY

What the FUCK Aron!

BEN

It’s no use! we need to go.

He pulls a smoke grenade and throws it under the table. Moments later the room is thick with smoke. Through the hazy smoke Aron ejects his clip and reload. Stepping over Bruce’s body without even glancing at him. Screeching tires can be heard moving away from the factory. He look calmly at their car with two flat tires. A series of lights start to rapidly blink in the corners of the room. He see it and quickly but deliberately leave the factory. He is only a few steps away when there are a huge explosion filling the sky with flames, smoke and debris. He are thrown into the air onto the gravel in front of the factory.

5. END OF ACT TWO: SECOND TURNING POINT

M15 Now they are also hunted by their own. He stays hot on their heels and more than once almost succeeds in taking them out. When he almost succeeds and his team must kill him, they understand the futility of what they are trying to do. They lost two of their own and the rest of Krueger’s men are still hot on their heels, just a few steps behind the operative. There is no time to mourn their losses. They also suspect that the government wants to use Nina can they still bring her in?

6. CRISIS/DILEMMA

M17 After she got the whole code, she tries to enter it into a computer, but nothing happens. As they are in an internet café all the customers turn on them. Clearly the program is still working. The code does not work just entering it into a computer. All was in vain. Enemies are closing in fast. They realise that it must be entered into the main frame. The noose around them are growing tighter and the government did not send in reinforcements, they sent in hunters.

M19 All operatives are either dead or gravely wounded.

M18 She realizes she must go to the facility where she was imprisoned with her parents.

M20 She must do this alone… the thug helps her to get in but can’t go with her further as he is fighting off a force of Krueger’s operatives. She panics when entering the facility realising that Krueger never moved his base of operations but just fortified and protected it to the point where no satellite imagery or heat signatures can show up anywhere. Overwhelmed with all her memories, her dark past and fear for Krueger she are captured.

.

V19 Krueger are overjoyed with having her captured alive and call off his operatives…this is her nightmare came true again. She must face him again in the facility where she was held capture with her parents. How vengeful Krueger are comes to light when they come face to face.

V12 He would watch with his father as she and her parents were manipulated and tortured to do his father’s diabolical work.

7. CLIMAX

V8 The mind games and torture immediately start again.

A16 She falls apart being tormented with her past showing the final pieces of what happened to her in the past as well as her and Krueger’s last alteration when he tried to rape her. He clearly has plans for her, now that he has her he are first going to get his revenge and have her die slowly. She is no longer a threat to his plans. Krueger shows his final plans thinking that he has won as well as all his contempt for her. He tortures her physically and emotionally.

M21 She finds a way to clear her mind as she hears the voices of her parents urging her on. The guard that helped her in the past comes into the lab, Krueger welcomes him not knowing that he is on her side. He behaves as if on Kreuger’s side… (the audience now wonder if it were not an elaborate trap) He claims that he caught her and first had to fight off the last operative who is now dead. Krueger rewards him with a big suitcase of cash that he accepts. He asks if he can watch Krueger torturing her, Krueger diabolically laughs as he consents as it will even be more rewarding if the guard watch the torturing and he plans on raping her. He even promises if he is done with her the guard can get in on the action.

Just as it seems hopeless the guard knocks Krueger unconscious and free her before he can kill Krueger several operatives are heard coming to the lab. He urges her to find the mainframe as he will lead the guards away.

A17 She finds a way to enter the computer mainframe room and enter the kill code. This leads not only to the destruction of the global assassination program, but she also has the opportunity to destroy some of the programs running the lab that starts the whole facility to overheat and break down.

A18 Krueger comes to and realizes that she is gone, and the program is destroyed, also that the facility is in the process of being destroyed. Alarms blaring, smoke and fires etc. He truly goes ballistic and hunt her down. He captures her again and this time he is mean as hell.

M23 Out of his mind with rage after the program was destroyed Krueger starts beats her to a pulp and drag her to a room. The same room where she was kept and where he tried to rape her. Now she must face the maniac in the lab where she was tortured and kept as a kid.

A19 He is going to kill her; he will still win even if it only is by killing her.

M24 She breaks down unable to think, giving up the will to live and fight back. She just wants it to end.

A20 With horror she see a young woman/girl inside the same room and also being experimented on. He shows her that she is not special, he recreated her but even better and this time there were no parents that could shield the girl and protect her. This time he broke her and made her a living machine and weapon bound to his will.

M25 Through a glass panel she sees a girl being used in the same manner as she was as a kid.

M26 This fills her with rage, she confronts her fears, her past and uses that anger to unleash hell on the lab.

A21 It pushes her over all her fears and give her the final strength to kill Krueger and end this part of her life. She tries to rescue the girl but after seeing her kill Krueger the girl wants to kill her. She is completely brainwashed, a true killing machine. In the end the facility is coming down on them and she must flee without the girl, leaving her at Krueger’s body.

8. RESOLUTION

V20 There she would fight all the trauma and demons from her past and kill the maniac son and destroy all that is left of him in the world.

M27 Killing the maniac, burning everything to the ground trying to save the girl.

V21 He will die just as his father did without leaving a family power dynasty to rule the world. He will die knowing he failed.

A22 The destruction of the facility. Nothing is left standing, and no one is left alive. She makes it out severely wounded and looks back at the same point where she stood when she escaped.

A23 The world is saved from the assassination program. It came at a price… She came full circle in her journey. Can she now find peace?

[Joan Edwards]

Dear Tarina,

Your Screenplay has a great concept of a Killing software. I hope no one actually creates it. I would definitely be scary.

I like where Nina feels she has been betrayed by the people who were guarding her.

Why is she vomiting? Is she sick or is it because she is frightened? Is there romance in the air for the man who comforts her?

I like where Nina has not only Krueger but his building crumbled at the end.

Does the girl survive at the end and restart the killing or does she die?

Several world leaders and influencers are assassinated by people they know and trust. Chaos erupts all over the world in the matter of hours (as seen on news bulletins that report on the incidents above)

Seems like it was minutes rather than hours.

The following seemed humorous to me. Great.

INT. KRUEGER’S LAB – MORNING

This action however draws the focus of the program and another alarm start to sound in the lab. The four people file into the train with several other passengers. The operatives bang against the closed train doors as they are too late to enter.

Are you translating from a different language than English? The verbs showing tense are erroneous in many places.

Has where have should be.

See where sees should be.

Before you submit your script, I would get someone to edit it for you to make sure your verbs are the right ones. Or perhaps search for free or inexpensive software that will find these errors and correct them for you.

Great job! Keeps me fearing for Nina’s safety and the world, too.

Sincerely, Joan

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Joan Edwards.

[Tarina Swanepoel]

Are there anyone still available for feedback please.

Tarina

[Joan Edwards]

Dear Tarina,

I’ll read your Outline and give you feedback. Please read my second outline and give me your feedback.

Joan Edwards

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Tarina!

I’d love to exchange feedback with you! I’m currently on vacation with my family, so time is limited. I’ll be sure to have something ready hopefully by the weekend!

Thanks and best regards!

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Tarina!

What I loved…

1. The initial idea of software controlling the actions of everyday people is still a good one and very prevalent in today’s use of technology. I’ve seen this before in The Kingsman: The Secret Service and recently in The Matrix Resurrections, so the challenge now is to come up with a unique angle for this same idea.

What I have questions about…

1. Krueger is seeking revenge for his father, which I get. It still feels like a retread of James Bond’s latest film, No Time to Die. What is Krueger’s vision for a better world? Outside of revenge, what does Krueger want? What are his economic or political views? If revenge is all Krueger wants, who all is in his crosshairs: A handful of important people, an entire government or nation, all left handed people on earth?

2. What other skill sets can Nina employ beyond subliminal knowledge of the kill code? In Kingsman: The Secret Service, I got to watch brutal, bloody stunts of spies taking out henchmen with swords for legs and a church full of people. What do I get to watch Nina do that’s something I haven’t seen before?

One more tip…

1. I know grammar isn’t one of the major points discussed in this course, but I was often lost when reading your outline and scenes. Fixing the grammatical errors, as well as formatting your outline in a way that leaves the reader with as few questions as possible (like why does V23 precede V4? Was that intentional?) will go a long way toward making your outline engaging and fun to read. Honestly it can be slog to read someone’s work if the use of correct grammar isn’t present.

[Tarina Swanepoel]

Hi Cameron

Thank you for your valuable and insightful feedback. I will make sure to look into your valid points. ( I had not watched any of those movies so I will make sure to watch them)

Regarding your feedback. I hope to send it to you soon. I was without internet for some time but will try and catch up.

Tx again

[Tarina Swanepoel]

Hi Joan

Tx so much for your insightful and valuable feedback.

First of all I am using another language so I will update my spelling software. TX

I am glad you enjoyed some of the scenes. Nina are vomiting and are sick as a result of the side effect to the code that were programmed into her brain (the side effect was not intentional but because the program was still no finished but they ran out of time) She knew about the code but only had access to it once her life was put in danger by the killing program. I am still figuring out the details there.

As to your other notes, tx xo much I will look into it.

I was without internet for quite some time but will look at your outline and send it back to you as soon as possible.

Tx

Tarina

[Joan Edwards]

Dear Tarina,

You are very welcome. I hope updating your spelling/grammar software will clear up the descriptions in the correct tense. It’ll help readers understand it so much better. I hope your screenplay gets produced. Go, Tarina, go.

Sincerely,

Joan Edwards

[Tarina Swanepoel]

Hi Cameron

Tx again for your valuable feedback.

In the beginning the concept was strange for me but it grew on me up to the point where I was continuously thinking about it. So well done, great job.

I liked the sci-fi element with the added religion and society caste system I think it have a lot of potential.

Adam however was a bit vague for me. Like not villian enough. I wanted to be more frightened, I needed him to be more powerful.

Otherwise I think the rest will sort itself out as you proceed in your writing.

I would love to read it when you are finished.

Great job!

Tarina

[Tarina Swanepoel]

Hi Joan! Tx again for your notes and suggestion with the grammer, I am looking in to it.

I loved your concept and really feel for the people that loose everything. I have a question though – if people in the same area with the same bank are losing all their houses will it not start to raise red flags for the authorities. Also how is Ansaca able to get away seemingly too easy.

1. The concept: A wannabe ninja takes on a corrupt banking institution that preys on its members and cons them out of their life savings through the housing market. This is an exceptionally relevant and relatable antagonist and conflict, and I’d love to see the bad guy lose.

There are one or two scenes that I am unsure about, the switch with the alcohol is one but I see that some of them were addressed by Cameron so I will not hammer on them again as I am sure you are busy sorting them out.

Other than that it was a great read and great concept and would love to read it once it is finished.

Keep well

Tarina

[Joan Edwards]

Dear Tarina,

You’re welcome for my comments about your screenplay.

Thank you very much for your valuable feedback on Bladen’s Revenge. You brought up good points and I will look into ways to address these when I revise it.

Good luck with your screenplay. I hope it gets produced for you!

Sincerely,

Joan

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  Joan Edwards.