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Post Day 27 Assignment Here
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7 Replies
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JAYE’S SOLVED SCENE PROBLEMS!
What I learned are several ways to identify how scenes can be elevated.
What I corrected:
– I had a scene where Hero and Villain were talking in Hero’s kitchen.
I added something that challenges Hero’s character– I had a scene where the Mayor and Scientist are just talking on the phone
I made this in person and introduced some subtext relating to Scientist– I had a scene where Hero is being interviewed by a reporter, shown on a TV in a living room
I changed this so that the interview cuts to Hero and the Reporter on scene, and added some controversy– I had a scene with swimming lessons
I decided to make this a montage, and expand the larger scene into cliff jumping -
Christi’s Solved Scene Problems!
I learned there’s more than one way to pass over a script I feel is floundering. Really amazing.
For my script, its had more than one pass over before I started the course so I feel I’ve already fixed the major problem areas. I like the idea to raise the stakes so when I send for coverage I can amp up any scene that comes back as not reading well.
I see that the daily assignments are now a few days apart so I look forward to the next one posting on Thursday.
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THIRTY DAY SCREENPLAY ASSIGNMENT #27
James E. Clark – Solved Scene Problems!
What I learned from this assignment: This process is time consuming in a good way. It slows me down to look at the Acts and Scenes from a more critical viewpoint.
I chose to focus on Act One, Scenes 1,2 and 3.
Act 1 Scene 1
A: Basic Scene Problems
Most important Purpose: Introduction of Protagonist; juxtapose tough leader with Christian kindness.
Action: Current Bible study place holder should be filled in with a time of tenderness and prayer.
Move story forward: The scene does well here.
Conflict: Carrie’s diminutive size compared to her career as a Navy Seaabee. Uniqueness.
ARC: The Arc is strong but could use a little something between the Dojo and the Inciting Incident.
B: Weak Scene
Improve the Arc: Use prayer from the Bible study
Increase the conflict: Company Master Chief and the unskilled kid on the earth mover.
Raise stakes: Company Master Chief questions the skills of two of her recruits.
C: Challenge the Characters:
Goal: Travel
Need: Make Master Chief
Value: Navy/Christ
Wound: Have Carrie contemplate her ring finger while other Bible study women talk about their husbands
Act 1 Scene 2
A: Basic Scene Problems
Purpose: Introduce the problem Carrie is facing – Good
Move story forward: Yes
Conflict: Conflict: She’s dying.
Arc: Yes
B: Weak Scenes
Arc: Good
Conflict: Good
Stakes: High
Interest Technique: Increase the level of surprise of the diagnosis.
C: Challenge the characters
Goal: Get through the grief process
Need: Start her new life
Values: Help People:
Wound: Why has God allowed this?
Interest Technique: Assumed betrayal by God.
Act 1 Scene 3
A: Basic scene problems:
Purpose: Introduce how Carrie will spend her remaining days.
Move story forward: Good
Conflict: Choice of three. Strong
Clear Arc: Yes, in place
B: Weak Scenes
Stronger Arc: Have Carrie attend dinner with the Command Master Chief and his family.
Conflict: Yes – strong
Stakes: Add a race against time.
Interest technique: Increase the anxiety of the audience.
C: Challenge Characters
Goal: Make every state she has not been i9n.
Need: Experience life outside of the Navy
Value: Remaining time
Wounds: She is surprised when she takes a job where she reconnects with her former fiancé.
Interest technique: Love.
ACT 1
OPENING
EXT. COMPANY HEADQUARTERS – DAY
Signage reads “Company A Seabee Training Facility, Port Hueneme, CA”
Beginning
Sailors are scrambling to be in the right place in formation and on time. Everyone is at attention. One lone sailor is five seconds late and has to work is way into his place.
Middle
Facing the Sailors is a diminutive Sr. Chief Carrie Waters. Five foot nuthin’ and a hundred pounds. She’s wearing immaculate Khaki’s with lots of ribbons including a Purple Heart.
CARRIE
Seaman Quincy front a center.
The late seaman comes forward and faces Carrie.
CARRIE
About face.
Seaman Quincy performs a clean about face.
CARRIE
Explain to your shipmates why you were late to formation.
QUINCY
I was in the restroom Sr. Chief.
CARRIE
Seconds count. If we were in combat you just risked the lives of your shipmates. DO YOU UNDERSTAND SEAMAN?
QUINCY
Yes Sr. Chief. But…
CARRIE
Quincy, I don’t give a rats rosy red hindquarters about your excuses. Understand that and your life will be better. Now, stand at attention and apologize to your shipmates.
Quincy squares his shoulders and stands tall.
QUINCY
Shipmates, I apologize.
CARRIE
Quincy, fall in.
Quincy goes back to his location.
CARRIE (CON’T)
As a result of Quincy being late. The whole company will all stand at attention until the Company Commander and the Master Chief arrive.
As if on cue, the Company Commander and the Master Chief come around the corner.
CARRIE (CON’T)
All present and accounted for Sir.
MASTER CHIEF
Any problems Sr. Chief.
CARRIE
No Master Chief. We are tight as a drum
Quincy relaxes his facial demeanor.
MASTER CHIEF
That is good to hear Sr. Chief Waters.
The company has been dismissed and are headed to their work areas. Master Chief is with Carrie.
MASTER CHIEF
Carrie, I’m worried about Hobart an Quincey. What’s your plan to bring them into the fold?
Carrie looks down then back up and looks the Master Chief in the eye.
EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE – DAY
Beginning
Sr. Chief Waters is watching a Seaman struggle with the operation of a large earthmover.
Middle
With ease she scrambles up to the cab.
CARRIE
Hobart, who taught you how to operate this mover?
HOBART
You did Sr. Chief.
CARRIE
And when was your last class session.
`HOBART
Two days ago Sr. Chief.
CARRIE
Are you unable to retain information Hobart?
Hobart can’t look her in the eye and doesn’t respond
CARRIE
Seaman, do you plan on embarrassing your Sr. Chief this close to graduation day.
HOBART
No Sr. Chief.
CARRIE
Well then, walk me through the start up procedures.
TWO MINUTES LATER
Carrie is on the ground.
Hobart shifts a control. The earth mover begins to move forward. Then it dies.
CARRIE
HOBART!
Hobart trips trying to get down. He falls to the ground, gets up and dusts the dirt off as he runs to where Carrie is standing. She looks at Hobart and laughs.
CARRIE
Try it again young man.
Hobart scurries back to the earthmover.
MOMENTS LATER
The earthmover is smoothly moving down the dirt road.
INT. CHAPEL CONFERENCE ROOM – NIGHT
Beginning
Women are milling around chatting and drinking coffee or bottled water. Some are in uniform, some in civies. Carrie is in civies.
CARRIE
Okay ladies, grab Bible, your coffee and treats. Time to start.
Middle
As the ladies sit, there still chatting about their husbands.
As Carrie listens, she looks down at her left ring finger. She looks up while reaching over with her right hand to touch where a ring would have been.
They are going through the story of Deborah in the Book of Judges. Carrie asks pointed questions of the participants to keep them engaged.
End
Bible study is over.
WOMAN 1
What do you want to do when you retire?
CARRIE
Assuming I make Master Chief, I’ve got seven more years left for a round thirty. After that, I want to visit all of the states I haven’t been to yet. Right now I’ve checked of thirty seven states.
INT. DOJO – NIGHT
Beginning
Carrie, 3<sup>rd</sup> degree Black Belt is teaching a class of kids ages 8-15. She pairs the kids up by age and size on the mat.
Middle
An 11-year-old boy gets too rambunctious and hurts a girl in the class.
CARRIE
Andrew, to the side and kneel. You will remain there until the end of class.
End
She confronts the boy by asking him how much he likes being at the Dojo. He loves it. She gives him a serious reprimand.
As the students leave the mat and pick up their belongings, Carrie approaches Andrew.
CARRIE
How long you been coming to class?
ANDREW
My fourth week.
CARRIE
And now you think you know it all. Do you like coming to class.
ANDREW
Yes sensei.
CARRIE
If I see that again, you’ll be out of class. And remember, I’m in Bible study with your Mom.
Andrew drops his head.
ANDREW
Yes sensei.
INCITING INCIDENT
INT. NAVY MEDICAL OFFICE – DAY
Beginning
Carrie sitting on the exam table. The physician is reading lab reports then looks at MRI results. Carrie studies him for any hints. None.
Middle
CARRIE
Indigestion? Virus?
PHYSICIAN
Life isn’t always fair Sr. Chief… Carrie, you have pancreatic cancer. You’re in superb physical shape. You’ll probably be able to last longer than most. But, it could be anywhere from six months to two years.
End
EXT. FRONT OF MEDICAL CENTER – DAY
Carrie stands and stares into nothingness. Then starts to shake. Then SCREAMS. She turns and faces.
REAR ADMIRAL
Everything okay Sr. Chief Waters?
CARRIE
Nothing I can’t resolve Admiral.
She salutes him. He salutes back and they part ways.
INT. BASE GYM – NIGHT
Carrie is wailing on the body bag. She gives it one final punch with a SCREAM.
She turns. Yup, the Admiral in sweats just finishing his workout.
REAR ADMIRAL
Chief?
Firmly.
CARRIE
All under control, Sir.
REAR ADMIRAL
Uh huh. I can see that.
INT. BATALLION COMMANDERSERS OFFICE
Beginning
Sr, Chief Waters enters the Commanders office dressed in Khakis. She stands at attention.
CARRIE
Sr. Chief Waters reporting as ordered Sir.
CAPTAIN
At ease, Sr. Chief.
Carrie laces her hands behind her back and relaxes, slightly.
The Command Master Chief of the base is standing to the side of the Captains desk. He smiles at Carrie.
CAPTAIN (CON’T)
Thank you for coming in Sr. Chief.
CARRIE
Sir.
The Captain looks down then back up at Carrie and purses his lips.
CAPTAIN
We met with your physician earlier today.
Carrie looks from the Captain to the Command Master Chief and then back. She straightens her back and raises her head high.
CARRIE
Sir.
CAPTAIN
You must be aware of what’s coming.
CARRIE
Yes Sir. No promotion to Master Chief and no thirty year career.
CAPTAIN
We’ve known each other since I was an Ensign and you were a recruit.
CARRIE
Yes Sir.
The Captain walks around the desk, take her hands into each of his.
CAPTAIN
I’m so sorry Carrie. I wish…
CARRIE
I know sir. It’s okay.
EXT. BASE HOUSING – DAY
Carrie turns to walk into her unit. She kicks over her flowers in front of her place and SCREAMS, just a s a Harley pulls up and stops. She looks. The helmet is taken off and there sits the Rear
Admiral. He gets off the bike and stops at her property line.REAR ADMIRAL
I spoke with your Captain today. I’m very sorry
Sr. Chief. I was looking forward to having you on my staff as Master Chief.CARRIE
That would have been nice Admiral.
They shake hands. She watches as he drives away. Then turns and cries.
REACTION TO INCITING INCIDENT
EXT. AUCTION SITE – DAY
Beginning
Carrie walks around checking out various school busses. She makes a notation on two of them. Her notes indicate how much she will bid.
Middle
The auctioneer is getting bids on her first choice. He calls out her top number.
AUCTIONEER
Twenty Two thousand.
Carrie raises her hand.
AUCTIONEER
I have twenty two do I hear twenty three?
No response. Carrie looks around the room.
CARRIE (VO)
I’ve got it.
MALE VOICE (VO)
Twenty two five.
Carrie scratches that one from her list.
LATER
The auctioneer is getting bids on her second choice. Her notes read eighteen thousand max.
AUCTIONEER
I’ve got fifteen six. Di I hear sixteen
Carrie raises her paddle.
AUCTIONEER
I’ve got sixteen. Do I hear seventeen?
No response.
AUCTIONEER
So I hear sixteen five?
No response.
AUCTIONEER
Sold to the lady in the Navy sweatshirt.
End
She drives it off the lot.
EXT. NAVY BASE MECHANIC SHOP – DAY
BEGINNING
Carrie is ripping the seats out of the bus. She’s angry, crying and forceful as she works.
CARRIE
Why? Why, God?
Middle
All the seats are out. She’s curled up in a ball on the floor of the bus crying.
CARRIE
I’ve loved you and followed you, I’ve given my life to you and now this .
Command Master Chief sticks his head in the door of the bus. He sees and hears Carrie. He comes inside the bus. He places his hand on her shoulder.
COMMAND MASTER CHIEF
Lord, give her the peace that surpasses all understanding. Give her joy in you.
Carrie sits up, wipes her eyes with her forearm and nods to him.
COMMAND MASTER CHIEF (CON’T)
Martha expects you for dinner this Sunday after church. Don’t make me have to order you, ‘cause I’ll never hear the end of it from her if you’re not there.
CARRIE
Aye, aye, Command Master Chief.
Carrie lifts the hood and starts taking note of what mechanical issues need to be resolved.
End
INT. CARRIE’S HOUSING – NIGHT
BEGINNING
Carrie has a map of the US. She’s coloring in all the states she has been to – total of 37. She pours herself a drink.
Middle
Carrie is on Youtube watching videos of RV life. She simultaneously is making a list of what she wants to see in the fourteen states she’s never seen. She’s now drinking straight from the bottle.
End
Carrie is passed out on her bed. Her cat is curled up next to her. The empty bottle is tipped over on the night stand.
EXT. NAVY BASE MECHANIC SHOP – NIGHT
Carrie is putting the final touches on her Bus. Functional but feminine.
INT. BUS – DAY
The Women’s Bible Study is having their last meeting with Carrie. They’re laughing and giggling.
CARRIE
So that’s it. I admit I drank myself into oblivion.
The women surround her letting her know how much she’s loved by them.
INT. DOJO – NIGHT
The kids surround Carrie giving her hugs which she returns. A little girl gives her a bouquet of daisies.
CARRIE
I’m so gonna miss you guys.
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Karin Hallen´s Solved Scene Problems
What I learned doing this assignment is that when going through the scenes like this, I saw that several scenes which I thought already worked ok could be improved. I learned that going through the scenes this way is a good method for identifying problems and pinpoint what the issues are.
Look through your script and identify any scenes that have any of these four problems
Basic Scene Problem. Weak Scene. Situations Don’t Challenge Character. Cliché Scenes.
For any scene problems you find, make the prescribed improvements.
I made minor changes in too many scenes to bring up here. I also added placeholders in several places where I knew I wanted to change something but the right answer as to how didn’t come to me yet.
And I made bigger changes to a few scenes:
– The first time the protagonist is in a hotel room alone I found new ways to show more of who he is as a character.
– In a scene with the protagonist and the antagonist (2nd protagonist) on the tennis court I made the protagonist talk during the whole game, venting to the antagonist about his childhood, and had the antagonist be completely uninterested, to solidify their dynamic.
– In order to make the protagonist more likable I added a scene in which his interaction with a child is compassionate and based on his own childhood experiences, but which backfires the way most things do for him.
– I extended a scene between the protagonist and antagonist and added an evening of harmony, before their big blowup in order for the “everything falling apart moment” to have an even greater effect.
– I chopped up a talking heads scene between the protagonist and a minor character for visual reason and to add dynamics and to get the characters to express their goals/needs in the scene quicker.
– I changed several short scenes following each other into a montage, which I think is visually more interesting and works better since they are there to show how a repeated activity is building.
– In act 4 I condensed two long scenes in which the protagonist is speaking into one because his challenge and goal in them were so similar and there was room to express the essence of everything in one scene.
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JUDITH ABINGDON Solved Scene Problems!
What I learned doing this assignment is… We accomplished a lot in record time, now I am going back in and adding scenes, solving problems.
A bit sad that we do not get advice from you. But have learned a good system.
I am still going thru, filling in scenes that had placeholders, rounding out other scenes. Making things flow and have continuity.
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Mary and Rich Solved Scene Problems!
What I learned doing this assignment is that there were scene issues not caught during initial write, and these questions really helped ferret the areas out quickly and easily.
Look through your script and identify any scenes that have any of these four problems.
A) Basic Scene ProblemsB) Weak ScenesC) Situations Don’t Challenge CharactersD) Cliché Scenes
2. For any scene problems you find, make the prescribed improvements.
FIXES:
PLACEHOLDER SCENE: SCENES OF MORTY TRYING TO GET IN TOUCH WITH JAX. HE PHONE CALLS-NEVER ANSWERS, HE CALLS AGAIN, AND AGAIN.
PLACEHOLDER SCENE: MORTY STAKES OUT THE SCHOOL ENTRANCE, SPOTS JAX AND FOLLOWS HIM INTO HIS OTHER CLASS ART 301. MORTY WHISPERS IN BACK, A NUDE MODEL COMES IN TO BE SKETCHED. MORTY COMMENTS, TEACHER SAYS EXCUSE ME, MORTY SAYS JUST AUDITING. JAX DRAWS AND IGNORES MORTY, WHO PESTERS JAX INTO MEETING AT DINER TONIGHT TO PLAN SCREENPLAY AFTER NIGHT CLASS, THEN LEAVES.
PLACEHOLDER SCENE: JAX GETS A PHONE CALL FROM HIS FATHER. GET AN “A” IN THE CLASS AND PASS AND HIS FATHER WILL FUND JAX’S ART GALLERY.
PLACEHOLDER SCENE: DIALOGUE OF MORTY SURPRISED THAT JAX SHOWED UP—-THEN, THEY TALK, THEN BRIDGE BELOW TO THE KA-CHING BET JAR/DOGGIE BAG.
PLACEHOLDER SCENE: PUT IN A SCENE WHERE MORTY IS GOING TO DRIVE JAX HOME FROM THE DINER. THIS IS A SCENE WITH MABEL, HIS BROKEN DOWN CAR WITH THE ULTRA-LOUD MUFFLER. JAX ARGUES THAT HE DOESN’T WANT TO GET INTO THE CAR–IT’S NOT SAFE. MORTY ARGUES THAT IT’S NOT SAFE TO WALK HOME LATE AT NIGHT. MUFFLER OR MUGGER, WHAT’S IT GOING TO BE. THEY ARGUE IN THE CAR AND MORTY REVEALS THAT WITH HIS WINNINGS HE WOULD LIKE TO GET A NEW MUFFLER FOR MABEL. HE CAN’T NOW, BECAUSE HE LOST HIS JOB–HE WAS EXCESSED/LAID OFF.
PLACEHOLDER: YOU COULD PUT ANOTHER SCENE IN HERE IN THE CLASSROOM. THEY LEARN ANOTHER CONCEPT. MORTY TRIES TO PRESENT HIS IDEA, BUT THEN JAX PRESENTS HIS. THE TEACHER CAUTIONS THEM THAT THEY HAVE TO DECIDE TOGETHER ON SOMETHING. ——
THIS WOULD REQUIRE MOVING THE SCENE LIKE THIS THAT MORTY DOES SOMEWHERE BELOW TO HERE.
PLACEHOLDER: They go outside to backyard, and begin to play act a superhero fight scene with brooms and sticks, etc. (See NOTE Pg 3) They complain that the weeds are taking over, and see neighbors lawn being landscaped with poison chemicals, they run back inside to safety.
PLACEHOLDER: Add classmates details here and in this scene, maybe even a line of two for a couple of oddball nerdy ones.
PLACEHOLDER SCENE: THIS IS WHERE WE PUT THE HALF PLUS SEVEN RULE FOR DATING SOMEONE.
ALSO, WE CAN PUT IN THE SCENE WHERE MORTY SAYS HE CAN GO ANONYMOUS AS LONG AS THEY DON’T SEE HIS FACE, BUT THE INTERNET ALREADY HAS AN AGE AND PROFILE ON HIM. DAMN.
PLACEHOLDER: Back at car, add description of how rusty and beat up Mabel is.
PLACEHOLDER: They get angrier and launch into a stream of “old man” and “kid” and worse. They are on surveillance cam so later Jax can count up how many they used, and bill Morty.
PLACEHOLDER: Melanie returns with Kyle, Looks like its gonna rain. Kyle keeps saying “she’s great” Morty says Who? “Major Bella, of course. You two would be great together Uncle Morty. After kid leaves, Morty cries, “Bella!”PLACEHOLDER: Beef up scene, too short now. Also need to add that Jax asks Morty if he still is dating Melanies Mom. Morty says thats on hold.
MONTAGE – SHOW M&J SHOPPING FOR A NEW CELL PHONE FOR MORTY. THEN INTERIORS OF BOTH MORTY’S AND JAX’S PLACE AND THE DINER PERHAPS, WITH HIMUSING THE NEW BELLS AND WHISTLES PHONE.
PLACEHOLDER – Oh no! That’s the delete key! Whew, I had autosave on. Hey why are the letter funny? It autosaved in Welsh! Don’t worry, I’ll run thru the Goggle translator. OK, the first paragraph was something like “Lawn ago, a yard away, was a happy heartwarming tale of war. What does the translator say? “A tale of heartburn out on the lawn.” Uh-oh.
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30 DAY SCRIPT – #27
Rae’s solved scene problems:
What I learned this assignment is… I have written some pretty good scenes, with challenging characters and pretty good structure. But “pretty good” isn’t good enough, and so scene by scene I am making more improvements.
Added and improved scenes:
1. Inciting Incident: Jesi fires her residential broker after he complains that her clients are a law suit waiting to happen and withholds her commission – fifty percent of it! She quits, joins a commercial real estate office, convinced that she will make a whole lot more money.
I have also added more twists to these three to four opening scenes.
2. Jesi and Henry have chemistry, however, Jesi’s in love with her deceased father’s attending doctor, Gerard Leblanc.
The main antagonist, Henry, is a competitive commercial agent in Jesi’s new brokerage company. The competition between he and Jesi is intense. They balance this out somewhat with a mutual love of Haiku – write poetry together. But when Jesi sees her true love Gerard embracing another woman they have an emotional fall-out. Henry is right there romancing Jesi, and this puts her love for Gerard through a difficult test.
3. New added scene: Jesi agrees to go to dinner at Henry’s house. The drinks, food, atmosphere and Haiku are so perfect, Jesi is put to a test.
4. Gerard and Jesi exchange marriage vows, but he withholds that he has a seven-year-old adopted son Julian. Jesi finds out in a conversation with Jason, her office broker. She calls Gerard on the lie, and then removes herself from the relationship.
5. New added scene: Gerard’s office manager, Mrs. Mehta, is Julian’s real birth grandmother. She is also the thorn in Jesi’s side – pushing for payment of her father’s medical debt. She is also Jealous of Jesi and Gerard’s relationship.
There is more…
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