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Post Day 28 Assignment Here
Click reply and post your assignment here.
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9 Replies
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So is this the thread where we can offer to exchange screenplays? Or is this the thread for doing the chronological edit? 🙂
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Hi Meg… Good question!
I was going to post my chronological edit notes, but I don’t see any further assignment days!
I’ll post the edit notes (extremely brief lol) and keep my eyes on this page for additional insights!
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JAYE’S CHRONOLOGICAL EDIT
What I learned is that not only is it possible to write a high-speed screenplay in less than two weeks, it’s possible to elevate it and REWRITE over another two weeks. I have a screenplay that I’m extremely proud of, that one month ago wasn’t even a thought in my head. And where I was stuck, I pushed myself though, and the magic happened. #grateful
Going through a chronological edit, I improved all areas that the lesson touched on.
– I improved flow where it seemed to lag, deleting unnecessary parts
– I asked a writer friend of mine to read it and point out anything that didn’t make sense, and then I addressed clarity
– I refined descriptions
– I sharpened some dialogue
I didn’t see a lot of areas that needed a major overhaul, but I definitely tweaked all aspects.
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THIRTY DAY SCREENPLAY ASSIGNMENT #28
James E. Clark – Chronological Edit
What I learned from this assignment: I need to fight the desire to slow down and edit as I go. This has resulted in me having one third of the screenplay done. However, I have all of the undone elements listed as place holders. The screenplay will soon be finished. Secondly, the tools I learned here will help me complete the final versions of another screenplay in process. I completed ProSeries 76. With these two classes ScreenwritingU has been a great boost to my confidence in writing. I love the new platform. My thanks to ScreenwritingU.
EXT. COMPANY HEADQUARTERS – DAY
Signage reads “Company A Seabee Training Facility, Port Hueneme, CA”
Sailors are scrambling to be in the right place in formation and on time. Everyone is at attention. One lone sailor is five seconds late and has to work his way into his place.
Facing the Sailors is a diminutive Sr. Chief Carrie Waters. Five foot nuthin’ and a hundred pounds. She’s wearing immaculate Khaki’s with lots of ribbons including a Purple Heart.
CARRIE
Seaman Quincy front a center.
The late seaman comes forward and faces Carrie.
CARRIE
About face.
Seaman Quincy performs a clean about face.
CARRIE
Explain to your shipmates why you were late to formation.
QUINCY
I was in the restroom Sr. Chief.
CARRIE
Seconds count. If we were in combat you just risked the lives of your shipmates. DO YOU UNDERSTAND SEAMAN?
QUINCY
Yes Sr. Chief. But…
CARRIE
Quincy, I don’t give a rats rosy red hindquarters about your excuses. Understand that and your life will be better. Now, stand at attention and apologize to your shipmates.
Quincy squares his shoulders and stands tall.
QUINCY
Shipmates, I apologize.
CARRIE
Quincy, fall in.
Quincy goes back to his location.
CARRIE (CON’T)
As a result of Quincy being late. The whole company will all stand at attention until the Company Commander and the Master Chief arrive.
As if on cue, the Company Commander and the Master Chief come around the corner. Carrie does an about face, stands at attention.
CARRIE
Company, ATTENTION.
As the Company Commander and the Master Chief approach, she salutes.
CARRIE (CON’T)
All present and accounted for Sir.
MASTER CHIEF
Any problems Sr. Chief.
CARRIE
No Master Chief. We are tight as a drum
Quincy relaxes his facial demeanor.
EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE – DAY
Sr. Chief Waters is watching a Seaman struggle with the operation of a large earthmover.
With ease she scrambles up to the cab.
CARRIE
Hobart, who taught you how to operate this mover?
HOBART
You did Sr. Chief.
CARRIE
And when was your last class session.
`HOBART
Two days ago, Sr. Chief.
CARRIE
Are you unable to retain information Hobart?
Hobart can’t look her in the eye and doesn’t respond.
CARRIE
Seaman, do you plan on embarrassing your Sr. Chief this close to graduation day.
HOBART
No Sr. Chief.
CARRIE
Well then, walk me through the start up procedures.
TWO MINUTES LATER
Carrie is on the ground. Hobart shifts a control. The earth mover begins to move forward. Then it dies.
CARRIE
HOBART! Come ‘ere
Hobart trips trying to get down. He falls to the ground, gets up and dusts the dirt off as he runs to where Carrie is standing. She looks at Hobart and laughs.
CARRIE
Anything broken beside your pride?
HOBART
No Sr. Chief.
CARRIE
Know what you did wrong?
HOBART
Yes Sr. Chief.
CARRIE
Try it again young man.
Hobart scurries back to the earthmover.
MOMENTS LATER
The earthmover is smoothly moving down the dirt road.
INT. CHAPEL CONFERENCE ROOM – NIGHT
Women are milling around chatting and drinking coffee or bottled water. Some are in uniform, some in civies. Carrie is in civies.
CARRIE
Okay ladies, grab Bible, your coffee and treats. Time to start.
As the ladies sit, they’re still chatting about their husbands.
As Carrie listens, she looks down at her left ring finger. She looks up while reaching over with her right hand to touch where a ring would have been.
CARRIE
First question, why was Deborah placed into the position of a Judge?
Bible study is over.
WOMAN 1
What do you want to do when you retire?
CARRIE
Assuming I make Master Chief, I’ve got seven more years left for a round thirty. After that, I want to visit all of the states I haven’t been to yet.
WOMAN 2
How many’s that?
CARRIE
Thirteen.
INT. DOJO – NIGHT
Carrie, 3<sup>rd</sup> degree Black Belt is teaching a class of kids ages 8-15. She pairs the kids up by age and size on the mat.
An 11-year-old boy gets too rambunctious and hurts a girl in the class.
CARRIE
Andrew, to the side and kneel. You will remain there until the end of class.
She confronts the boy by asking him how much he likes being at the Dojo. He loves it. She gives him a serious reprimand.
As the students leave the mat and pick up their belongings, Carrie approaches Andrew.
CARRIE
How long you been coming to class?
ANDREW
My fourth week.
CARRIE
And now you think you know it all. Do you like coming to class.
ANDREW
Yes sensei.
CARRIE
If I see that again, you’ll be out of class. And remember, I’m in Bible study with your Mom.
Andrew drops his head.
ANDREW
Yes sensei.
INCITING INCIDENT
INT. NAVY MEDICAL OFFICE – DAY
Carrie sitting on the exam table. The physician is reading lab reports then looks at MRI results. Carrie studies him for any hints. None.
CARRIE
Indigestion? Virus?
PHYSICIAN
Life isn’t always fair Sr. Chief… Carrie, you have pancreatic cancer. You’re in superb physical shape. You’ll probably be able to last longer than most. But, it could be anywhere from six months to two years.
EXT. FRONT OF MEDICAL CENTER – DAY
Carrie stands and stares into nothingness. Then starts to shake. Then SCREAMS. She turns and faces.
REAR ADMIRAL
Everything okay Sr. Chief Waters?
CARRIE
Nothing I can’t resolve Admiral.
She salutes him. He salutes back and they part ways.
INT. BASE GYM – NIGHT
Carrie is wailing on the body bag. She gives it one final punch with a SCREAM.
She turns. Yup, the Admiral in sweats just finishing his workout.
REAR ADMIRAL
Chief?
CARRIE
All under control, Sir.
BEAT
REAR ADMIRAL
Uh huh. I can see that.
INT. BATALLION COMMANDERSERS OFFICE
Beginning
Sr, Chief Waters enters the Commanders office dressed in Khakis. She stands at attention
CARRIE
Sr. Chief Waters reporting as ordered Sir.
CAPTAIN
At ease, Sr. Chief.
Carrie laces her hands behind her back and relaxes, slightly.
The Command Master Chief of the base is standing to the side of the Captains desk. He smiles at Carrie.
CAPTAIN (CON’T)
Thank you for coming in Sr. Chief.
CARRIE
Sir.
The Captain looks down then back up at Carrie and purses his lips.
CAPTAIN
We met with your physician earlier today.
Carrie looks from the Captain to the Command Master Chief and then back. She straightens her back and raises her head high.
CARRIE
Sir.
CAPTAIN
You must be aware of what’[s coming.
CARRIE
Yes Sir. No promotion to Master Chief and no thirty year career.
CAPTAIN
We’ve known each other a long time. You helped a young Ensign become a better Seabee officer
CARRIE
Yes Sir. Thank you, Sir.
The Captain walks around the desk, take her hands into each of his.
CAPTAIN
I’m so sorry Carrie. I wish…
CARRIE
I know sir. It’s okay.
NOTE: CHANGE “CAPTAIN’ TO LEIUTENANT.
EXT. BASE HOUSING – DAY
Carrie turns to walk into her unit. She kicks over her flowers in front of her place. She picks up a ceramic pot and smashes it on the ground, and SCREAMS, just a s a Harley pulls up and stops. She looks. The helmet is taken off and there sits the Rear Admiral. He gets off the bike and stops at her property line.
REAR ADMIRAL
I spoke with your Captain today. I’m very sorry
Sr. Chief. I was looking forward to having you on my staff as Master Chief.CARRIE
That would have been nice Admiral.
They shake hands. She watches as he drives away. Then turns and cries.
EXT. AUCTION SITE – DAY
Carrie walks around checking out various school busses. She makes a notation on two of them. Her notes indicate how much she will bid.
The auctioneer is getting bids on her first choice. He calls out her top number.
AUCTIONEER
Twenty Two thousand.
Carrie raises her hand.
AUCTIONEER
I have twenty two do I hear twenty three?
No response. Carrie looks around the room.
CARRIE (VO)
I’ve got it.
MALE VOICE (VO)
Twenty two five.
Carrie scratches that one from her list.
LATER
The auctioneer is getting bids on her second choice. Her nots read eighteen thousand max.
AUCTIONEER
I’ve got fifteen six. Do I hear sixteen ?
Carrie raises her paddle.
AUCTIONEER
I’ve got sixteen. Do I hear seventeen?
No response.
AUCTIONEER
Do I hear sixteen five?
No response.
AUCTIONEER
Sold to the lady in the Navy sweatshirt.
She drives it off the lot.
EXT. NAVY BASE MECHANIC SHOP – DAY
Loud noise and banging from inside the bus. A pile of bus seats are in a pile outside the bus.
INT. BUS – DAY
Carrie is ripping the seats out of the bus. She’s angry, crying and forceful as she works.
CARRIE
Why? Why, God?
LATER
All the seats are out. She’s curled up in a ball on the floor of the bus crying.
CARRIE
I’ve loved you. I tried. What do you want?
Command Master Chief sticks his head in the door of the bus. He sees and hears Carrie. He comes inside the bus. He places his hand on her shoulder.
COMMAND MASTER CHIEF
Lord, give her the peace that only you can provide. Give her joy in you.
Carrie sits up, wipes her eyes with her forearm and nods to him.
COMMAND MASTER CHIEF (CON’T)
Martha expects you for dinner this Sunday after church. Don’t make me have to order you, ‘cause I’ll never hear the end of it from her if you’re not there.
CARRIE
Aye, aye, Command Master Chief.
EXT. BUS – DAY
Carrie lifts the hood and starts taking note of what mechanical issues need to be resolved.
EXT. BASE CHAPEL – DAY
Carrie exits carrying her Bible. She nods to the Chaplain as she leaves.
EXT. BASE HOUSING – DAY
Carrie approaches the front door carrying a bunch of flowers.
EXT. PARADE GROUND – DAY
Company A is at attention. Families sit in chairs facing the podium.
MASTER CHIEF
Forward March.
Carrie leads Company A as they march past the podium which holds the Battalion Commander, Command Sergeant Major and the Admiral. As Carrie and the first rank come abreast of the podium …
MASTER CHIEF
Eyes right!
All heads snap right as they march by.
INT. CARRIE’S HOUSING – NIGHT
Carrie has a map of the US. She’s coloring in all the states she has been to – total of 37. She pours herself a drink.
Carrie is on YouTube watching videos of RV life. She simultaneously is making a list of what she wants to see in the states she’s never seen. She’s now drinking straight from the bottle.
Carrie is passed out on her bed. Her cat is curled up next to her. The empty bottle is tipped over on the night stand.
EXT. NAVY BASE MECHANIC SHOP – NIGHT
Carrie is putting the final touches on her Bus. Functional but feminine.
INT. BUS – DAY
The Women’s Bible Study is having their last meeting with Carrie. They’re laughing and giggling. More fellowship than Bible study going on.
CARRIE
So that’s it. I admit I drank myself into oblivion.
The women surround her letting her know how much she’s loved by them. They pray for her.
INT. DOJO – NIGHT
The kids surround Carrie giving her hugs which she returns. A little girl gives her a bouquet of daisies.
CARRIE
I’m so gonna miss you guys.
INT. BASE PERSONEL OFFICE – DAY
Carrie is standing at the counter. The clerk hands her a package.
CLERK
There ya go Sr. Chief. You are now an official Veteran.
EXT. NAVY BASE GATE – DAY
Carrie’s RV is pulling out of the gate at Port Hueneme, CA.
EXT. PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY – DAY
Carrie is driving through the countryside north of Santa Barbara.
EXT HILLS – DAY
Carrie pulls into Ronald Reagan’s ranch Casa de La Cielo. She visits the museum.
EXT. PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY – DAY
Carrie stops just south of Big Sur and watches the ocean and waves as she eats her meal. She’s enjoying the view and serenity.
She gets out and walks a path down to the water.
INT. RV – NIGHT
Carrie is cleaning up form dinner and watching other campers at the campground move about.
EXT. CAMPGROUND – NIGHT
Carrie is out for a walk. She spots an RV with a Navy Sr. Chief decal. She wanders over. A husband and wife are sitting outside enjoying the evening.
CARRIE
Hi. Carrie Waters. Just retired this week. What was your rate?
MAN
Corpsman. You?
CARRIE
Seabee.
WOMAN
Good for you. Rank?
CARRIE
Sr. Chief. Enjoy your evening.
MAN
You too.
Carrie starts to walk away.
MAN
Hey, you ever serve in Afghanistan?
CARRIE
Yeah. Attached to a SEAL Team.
MAN
Me too. Were you injured by a rocket launched grenade? Have a vertical scar on your chest from surgery.
Carrie nods.
MAN (CON’T)
I was in the operating room. We almost lost you three times. Glad to see you made it.
CARRIE
Thanks.
She waves as she leaves.
EXT. CHURCH PARKING LOT – DAY
Modesto, CA. Carrie has found a small church that needs some sprucing up.
INT. CHURCH OFFICE – DAY
CARRIE
I’d like to volunteer to do some repair work at my expense.
EXT PARKING LOT – DAY
Carrie unloads a couple of doors and plumbing parts.
INT. HALLWAY – DAY
Carrie checks a door to make sure it opens and closes easily. It does.
INT. BATHROOM – DAY
Carrie flushes the toilet. Works just fine. No leaks.
EXT. CHURCH – DAY
Carrie amends the soil in a flower bed, plants flowers and waters them.
Carrie replacing a door. Carrie fixing a toilet. Carrie painting a room. Carrie fixing the sprinkler system. Carrie planting flowers.
EXT. BRYCE CANYON – NIGHT
Carrie exits the RV with her coffee cup. She wanders over to the edge of the canyon and waits.
The sun starts to rise. She watches as the canyon walls change color with the rising sun.
CARRIE(VO)
Your creation is more beautiful than any man made art work.
INT. RV – DAY
Colorado. Carries is driving through a rural area. She passes a private Christian school. In the front is a flag pole that is leaning with a tattered and faded US flag.
INT. HARDWARE STORE – DAY
Carrie has a bag of cement, a rope, a two by four and a new US flag and a state flag.
EXT. SCHOOL – DAY
The flag pole is straight . It has a new lanyard and a new flag flying in the breeze
Students are standing around. The principal shakes Carrie’s hand.
EXT. PICNIC TABLE CAMP GROUND – DAY
Carrie is looking at a Christian website that posts volunteer positions. She sees one for a church camp in need of someone with construction experience. She copies her resume, pasts it into the volunteer application and off it goes.
INT. BUS – DAY
Carrie pulls up to the entrance to the church camp. The sign is missing boards so the whole name is not visible.
CARRIE
First impressions last. I’ll start there.
INT. CAMP OFFICE – DAY
Carrie is standing at the counter.
SECRETARY
… and we’re so excited to have you with us Miss Waters.
CARRIE
I’ve seen some of your needs. Glad to help. Can I meet the camp director.
SECRETARY
He’s out of town for a few days. He gave me a list of things to be done.
CARRIE
Where can I park my bus?
INT. BUS – NIGHT
Carrie is looking at the list. The front sign is at the top of the list. Second on the list is a new fire suppression system for the kitchen oven.
CARRIE
My sentiment too.
INT. COUNTY BUILDING PERMIT OFFICE – DAY
COUNTY OFFICIAL
I’m familiar with your kitchen. It’s a mess. You’re going to have sixty days to bring it all up to code.
Carrie reads the list.
CARRIE
I came in regarding the fire suppression system. I’ve assessed the rest of the kitchen. Your list seems aggressive. This will add twenty thousand dollars to the cost.
COUNTY OFFICIAL
Not my problem. The camp has been skirting the code for years. Christians think they’re above the law.
INT. CAMP OFFICE – DAY
CARRIE
… and the guy was an absolute jerk. He doesn’t think highly of the camp or Christians. Bureaucrat!
NELSON
You still don’t suffer fools well do you?
Carrie freezes, then slowly turns to see Nelson the Camp Director smiling at her. She can’t respond.
NELSON(CON’T)
Speechless eh?
Carrie storms out of the office.
EVERYTHING BELOW THIS LINE IS A PLACE HOLDER
INT. WORKSHOP – DAY
Carrie is cutting boards.
NELSON
What’s that for ?
CARRIE
Entrance sign. You do a lousy job of taking care of your assets.
NESLON
Just arrived two weeks ago.
CARRIE
Well… you coulda done more.
NELSON
I know. I could of robbed a bank to pay for it and brought in a crew. Would have been done to your satisfaction, I’m sure.
CARRIE
Doubt that. So, you knew I was coming?
NELSON
Nope. The Office Manager set it up.
CARRIE
Huh. I’ll finish the entrance sign then I’ll take off. The bureaucrat is your problem.
Carrie is holding her left ring finger with her right hand. Nelson notices.
NELSON
Sounds like you have the problem.
CARRIE
Not casting pearls to swine.
NELSON
LAUGHS
Carrie is flustered
CARRIE
Jerk.
NELSON
That would be Command Master Chief Jerk to you.
CARRIE
I heard.
With the hint of a smile.
Carrie takes the boards over to the belt sander and starts sanding.
EXT. FRONT GATE – DAY
Carrie is reassembling the sign. It looks great. Crunching sound on the gravel.
NELSON
Looks nice. Still leaving?
CARRIE
Reconsidering.
NELSON
That guy at the permit office is a regular swamp rat. He’s willing to back off… for a special gift.
CARRIE
Handcuffs work.
NELSON
Sharp edged ones. We’ve got a volunteer crew from several churches coming in soon. I could use you to train them on how to use tools and safety precautions. Then supervise the projects.
NOTE: EVERYTHING BELOW THIS LINE IS A PLACE HOLDER
Middle
INT. FINE DINING RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Nelson slides a ring box to her. She opens it and sees it’s the same one she wore twelve years earlier.
Carrie revels her illness to Nelson. She tells him she needs to compete her journey or until she can’t do any more. He asks her to wear the ring until she is done with her journey or has to return. She says she’ll think about it – but keeps the box.
EXT. CAMP GROUND – DAY
Carrie is in Vermont in the Green Mountains. She runs into some nomads she met at her first Boondock site. They’re heads south to Florida.
Carrie’s headed north to Maine. She tells them she might see them in Florida later.
Carrie’s energy level is declining.
EXT. MOUNT KADYDIN MAINE – DAY
Carrie hikes to the top, slowly.
EXT. TOP OF MOUNT KATYDIN – DAY
Carrie looks at the panorama. There’s a plaque at the top that reads “Terminus- Appalachian Trail.
End
INT. RV – NIGHT
Carrie is reading and drinking a cup of tea. Her nose starts to bleed.
She opens her map. She has three states left, South Carolina, Georgia and Florida. She opens the jewelry box and looks at the ring. She taps her ring finger on the Florida Keyes.
EXT. CAMP WORKSHOP – DAY
Carrie is teaching the volunteers how to use specific tools.
Carrie asks who want to learn how to operate the skip loader.
EXT. FIRE BREAK – DAY
Volunteers watch and listen to Carrie as she gives instructions. A twenty something gal jumps up as the first student. The skip loader jerks around as she tries to drive it.
TE 10b
INT. DINING HALL – NIGHT
Nelson and Carrie are enjoying some quiet time together. He slides a ring box across the table. She recognizes it. It’s the same engagement ring she wore twelve years earlier.
He asks her to marry him. She confesses she’s still in love with him.
She tells him her journey isn’t over yet and she has to do it on her own. She keeps the ring box but doesn’t opens it.
INT. NELSON’S OFFICE – DAY
He’s on the phone with his sister who’s a producer of documentaries.
EXT. BUS – DAY
Sarah, Nelson’s sister is interviewing Carrie about her journey.
At the end of the interview Sarah tells Carrie she glad Carrie is back in Nelson’s life and that he has not had a relationship since they ended their engagement twelve years earlier.
Carrie agrees to do a video blog on the rest of her journey.
TE 11
Sarah books Carrie for an interview on TBN.
INT. STAGE – DAY
Interview asks Carrie why the Navy. Carrie gives her story. Orphan. Was given a birth name by the orphanage. She changed it legally to Carrie Waters because she liked the serving concept of Chop Wood and Carry Water. The Navy was another opportunity to serve and have a great career.
INT. BATTALION COMMAND MASTER CHIEF’S OFFICE – DAY
The TV is on TBN. The interview finishes up. Battalion Commander is also watching.
COMMAND MASTER CHIEF
Thata girl.
Battalion Commander smiles and nods.
TE 14
INT. MOTEL ROOM – DAY
Carrie asks Nelson to mark off Florida and bring her the map. All fifty states have been marked off.
NELSON
Proud of you Babe.
Write The Outlined Scenes
Te9B
EXT. CAMP WORKSHOP – DAY
Carrie is holding up a pair of safety glasses.
CARRIE
Again, how many pairs of eyes do you have?
VOLUNTEERS
ONE!
CARRIE
So the glasses…
VOLUNTEERS
SAVE EYES!
CARRIE
Who wants to learn how to drive the skip loader?
Every hand goes up.
EXT. FIRE BREAK – DAY
The volunteers are lined up next to the skip loader. Carrie has a young twenty something gal behind the controls.
CARRIE
Keep the clutch down unless your driving. This controls the bucket. Forward is down, back is up right tilts the bucket up, left tilts the bucket down. Got it?
Carrie jumps of and signals the girl to start. The engine starts, she lifts the bucket off the ground. She tries to put it in gear and the gears grind.
CARRIE
Push in the clutch. Then put it in gear.
The girl follows Carrie’s instruction. The skip loader lurches forward and dies. Crowd laughs. Girl does too.
EXT. CAP – DAY
Carrie and the volunteers are walking back for lunch.
CARRIE
You all did a great job.
VOLUNTEER
When do we get to try the road grader?
CARRIE
That’s a track vehicle. Operates very differently than a wheeled vehicle. Tell you what. Join the Army and sign up for Armor. You’ll get all the track driving you could ever want.
VOLUNTEER
Just might do that.
TE 10b
INT. DINING HALL – NIGHT
Carrie is sitting at a table. Nelson walks up with two cups in his hands
NELSON
Hot chocolate as requested.
Carrie smiles.
CARRIE
Thanks. Why here?
NELSON
It’s peaceful. And… anyway, I love the outdoors.
CARRIE
I understand.
NELSON
Why help out for free and cover the materials too?
CARRIE
Chop wood – carry water.
Nelson slides the ring box across the table to her. It’s the same one she had twelve years prior.
CARRIE (CON’T)
I love you. I do. But I’m not sure.
NELSON
Got it. Keep the ring. If you decide to wear it, so much the better.
NELSON
You mind if I share your story with Sarah?
CARRIE
I haven’t talked to her in years. She still with TBN?
NELSON
Yeah. This might make a great documentary.
CARRIE
I don’t know…
NELSON
What better way to chop wood and carry water than to share your story?
CARRIE
Who’s story?
NELSON
Yeah, got it. Jesus.
TE 11
EXT BUS – DAY
TBN is set up with directors chairs, lights and camera. Sarah and Carrie are miced.
SARAH
Carrie, why are you making this journey?
LATER
SARAH
Wrap. (TO CARRIE) I’m glad you and Nelson have reconnected.
CARRIE
That doesn’t mean th…
SARAH
Of course. No matter the outcome, your relationship is built on Christ. Did you know that he hasn’t gone out with or dated anyone since you guys broke up.
CARRIE
That’s like him. Me too.
SARAH
Not surprised.
INT. COMMAND MASTER CHIEF’S OFFICE – DAY
TV is on TBN.
CHIEF
Thata girl.
Battalion Commander is in the office. He smiles.
TE 14
INT. MOTEL ROOM – DAY
Carrie’s in bed.
CARRIE
Please, hand me my map and a marker.
Carrie marks Florida. She’s hit all fifty states.
NELSON
Proud of you Babe.
CARRIE
My purse please.
Nelson hands her the purse. She reaches in and pulls out the ring box. She hands it to Nelson. He opens the box and she holds out her left ring finger. He slides it on. It’s very loose on her hand.
CARRIE
One of the downsides of weight loss.
INT. RV – DAY
Carries interview with Sarah on TBN has gone viral. She opens her blog to see hundreds of responses. She shows Nelson.
NELSON
What are you going to do?
CARRIE
Respond to every one of them.
Nelson pulls her hand to him and kisses it.
NELSON
So proud of you.
MONTAGE
-Carrie blogs while Nelson drives. As she blogs she listens to instrumental praise music.
-At every stop along the way she takes incognito photos of people and posts them on her blog.
– Nelson and Carrie are in a diner. She’s in her wheel chair. Two pre-teen girls come up to her and ask for her autograph. She obliges. Nelson takes a photo of Carrie the girls and their Mom. Carrie posts the photo on her blog
– The town where the camp is located has banners welcoming Carrie back. Nelson drives slowly through the town. People are lining the street waving and cheering.
EXT. CAMP – DAY
Camp staff are out in full force to welcome Carrie and Nelson back.
Snow is on the ground. Nelson helps Carrie from the bus and helps her into a wheel chair.
WOMAN 1
We set up a cabin for you.
CARRIE
Thanks. I’ll like that.
INT. CABIN – DAY
Carrie blogs that her time is near. She’s sorry to be leaving this life but excited for the next. This will be her final blog. She reminisces about her life as an orphan, legally changing her name to Carrie Waters, her Navy career as a Seabee, being one of the first females in the Seabees, breaking Nelson’s heart and him taking her back 12 years later, her walk with Christ, Her opportunity to have been in every state.
CARRIE’S FINAL ENTRY: “Thank you to all of you who have been following with me on this path. To those of you who are Today Friends, I pray the very best for you. To my Forever friends, I’ll see you soon.”
INT. CABIN – DAY
Nelson is putting wood in the fire place.
CARRIE
Thanks. I’ll be fine. Go get settled back in.
NELSON
See you at dinner. Cook’s making your favorite.
CARRIE
Chicken feet. Yum!
NELSON
Cook can do that too.
INT. DINING HALL – NIGHT
The dining hall is decorated for Christmas. The countdown to Christmas reads six days.
Carrie is seated at a table. Staff is going through the chow line.
Nelson approaches the table with two trays. He sets one in front of Carrie. It’s meat loaf, mashed potatoes and peas. On tip of the mashed potatoes is a yellow PEEP.
Carrie looks at Nelson then at the staff watching her and she breaks out laughing.
EXT. CAMP – DAY
Nelson pushes Carrie on a trail by the pond.
NELSON
Warm enough?
CARRIE
Uh huh.
INT. WORKSHOP – DAY
Carrie visits with the Maintenance man.
MAINTENANCE MAN
How would you run new electrical lines for the exterior spot lights?
Carrie and the Maintenance man are going over a drawing of her ideas.
EXT. FIRE BREAK – DAY
Nelson lifts Carrie into the seat of the Grader. He stays with her. She starts the engine.
Carrie clears snow from the fire break.
CARRIE
I’d say I’m going to miss this. But I have a mansion waiting and I’m looking forward to being there.
NELSON
I’m sure it’s a beaut.
INT. CABIN – DAY
Carrie’s in bed. Nelson brings her breakfast.
NELSON
Merry Christmas Eve. I bring sustenance.
CARRIE
You’re too good for me.
NELSON
Not so. Yet, thanks.
CARRIE
Do me one more favor?
EXT. FIRE BREAK – DAY
Nelson lifts Carrie into the seat of the Grader. He stays with her. She starts the engine.
Carrie clears snow from the fire break.
CARRIE
I’d say I’m going to miss this. But I have a mansion waiting and I’m looking forward to being there.
NELSON
I’m sure it’s a beaut.
EXT. CAMP PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Nelson lifts Carrie from the wheel chair and puts her in his truck.
EXT. ROAD – NIGHT
The headlights shine off the snowy trees.
NELSON
One of my favorite spots coming up.
EXT. LAKESIDE – NIGHT
Nelson
Looks like we got the timing right.
CARRIE
What?
NELSON
Shhh. Just watch, over those trees.
Nelson points
Slowly a full moon that’s bright orange begins to rise over the trees. Carrie cries.
CARRIE
Oh Nelson, it’s beautiful.
Carrie snuggles into his arm.
NELSON
You’re my full moon.
They watch as the moon rises higher. Nelson hears a long exhale. She’s no longer breathing.
Nelson cries, then deep sobs.
NESLON
Someday, I’ll come visit you in your mansion.
HOLDING AREA
EXT. WOODS – DAY
Carrie and Nelson are walking and talking
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Karin Hallén’s Chronological Edit
What I learned doing this assignment is that it’s possible to write and rewrite a screenplay that holds up in a much shorter time than I have ever attempted before. I have also learned that just by letting things that I couldn’t figure out right away sit for a week while working on other scenes in the script, the solutions will often come to you naturally.
This class has been an awesome experience!!!
Tell us the main improvements you made in the script:
A. Improve the flow. <div>
B. Improve the clarity.
C. Improve the description.
D. Improve the dialogue.
I worked on all of the above aspects of the script as I went through it.
I ended up focusing the most on C and D – improving the descriptions and the dialogue, because those are the areas that needed the most work. I shortened many descriptions and I filled in the dialogue in several places where I had just Placeholders for the dialogue until now.
I also added a couple of transition scenes for better flow. And I omitted a scene towards the end because the scene ended up being unnecessary, even though I liked it.
I changed the characters and therefore all the dialogue in one long scene in the 4th act entirely while still keeping the same objective, because something had bugged me about that scene all along and it came to me that one of the characters was wrong for it.
I added a short scene with one character because she needed another moment of screen time before the last act.
I also made a bunch of minor tweaks as they came to me.
I know I will keep working on this script, it’s certainly not a final draft yet, but I think it’s a complete script that holds up both structurally and as a story.
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Judith Abingdon Chronological Edit
What I learned doing this assignment: If you put your mind to it, the process will work.
I’m still adding and changing things,I am not going to list them all here.
Still a work in progress. Thanks for the plan!
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Mary and Rich’s Chronological Edit
What I learned doing this assignment is that this marks the beginning of the iterative rewrite process, now will keep applying the questions for all the parts in the draft 2.
1. Read your script while making improvements.
Specifically focus on the following:
A. Improve the flow.B. Improve the clarity.C. Improve the description.D. Improve the dialogue.
2. Tell us the main improvements you made in your script.
Shifted several scenes and trimmed one, filled in outline notes for several others that we’d skipped in last lesson. Edit process continues, will finish adding those today. Making a cohesive timeline, and starting to amp up the humor which has been seeded but not fully developed.
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Christi’s Chronological Edit
I’ve learned that this last edit will probably take the longest. I’m too close to all the work I’ve done so it’s probably best to find fresh eyes or put it aside for atleast 3 weeks. Then I’ll use that voice software inside Final Draft and just close my eyes as it reads, listening for any weird jumps or breaks.
I can’t believe this curriculum, what an amazing find! definitely saving for future scripts.
The only thing left is to save for a professional look over, then announce to the world it’s ready to be seen! Hopefully in time for the Nicholls quarter final announcement.
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Exchanging Feedback on Your Script
Well, it doesn’t look like we’re getting a Day 29 Assignment post to put in our connections so I’ll put mine here.
I understand the spirit of this last assignment is to connect with each other to review our works. I would love to read everyones full script but I just don’t have that kind of time.
I propose a max 10 page exchange. I’m thinking first 10 but dealer’s choice. Please add the logline (pre work post) to the front page and email it to me at Christifalk1@gmail.com. Kindly put 30 day screenplay class in the subject line so I’m sure to see it. When I receive yours I’m happy to send you my first 10. I may be a bit as things at work are a bit busy. Latest I’ll email will be first week in August so you’ve got some time.
I do have a specialty of creating solutions to nudity and profanity. I remember quite vividly watching Irreconcilable Differences as a child and when the mistress felt she needed to flash her chest at the screen, my father said it was because the writer ran out of ideas. Whether that’s true or not, I’ve dedicated my entire writing career to finding another way for actors to get through a scene without showing us where babies come from. As Julia Roberts once famously said, why should my high school math teacher know what my butt looks like?
I’m with Jules.
Cheers everyone! We made it through!
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