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Post Day 8 Assignment Here
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Quincy (Quinn)’s Pass 2: Story Logic Web
1. What I learned doing this assignment is that the concept work is never truly completed. Even now when we have selected the story, the characters, and the basics of plot, we’re still tinkering with concept. This is fascinating, especially coming from fiction, in that you’re not set on the true story until the film is in the can.
2. BEFORE:
Concept: The twin a woman absorbed in utero takes over her body while she sleeps in order to hunt for a body of her own.
Lead Characters:
- Cassandra (Cassie): Is a young woman who has been having nightmares that she has been killing people, only to discover the nightmares are real.
- Helen: The unborn twin who is inhabiting Cassie’s body at night and committing murders.
- Dr. Seth Bellerophon: The psychiatrist who is treating Cassie.
Plot/Structure: (Tell us the Plot number and type. Then give us the 9 beats of your structure.)
#5 Escape – Your hero is confined against his will (often unjustly) and wants to escape. In this case, the hero is the victim. The natural progression: imprisonment, initial attempts to escape fail, new plan is made that is also thwarted, and finally, the actual escape.
- Opening: Cassie has a dream that she murders someone violently.
- Inciting Incident: Cassie sees a news report about the murder.
- Page 10: Cassie goes to Dr. Bellerophon, the therapist she has been seeing for trauma, to get help with the dreams.
- First Turning Point/End of Act I: Cassie wakes up covered in blood.
- Mid-Point: Helen makes herself known to Cassie by talking to her in the mirror and tells her about her plan.
- Second Turning Point/End of Act II: Cassie passes out and Helen takes over during the day.
- Crisis: Cassie discovers Bellerophon is a serial killer who has been purposefully drawing Helen out and using her as a tool to commit murder. He has been promising Helen he can find her a body if she kills.
- Climax: Cassie decides to commit suicide to keep Helen and Bellerophon from killing anyone else.
- Resolution: Cassie’s body is resuscitated, but Helen is in charge.
Character Arc:
- Part to be changed: Cassie is timid and afraid to take actions.
- Biggest fear: Her actions will end up hurting someone.
- Completion of arc: She takes action to keep more people from being hurt and killed.
Main Conflict, Dramatic Question, Dilemma:
- Dramatic Question: How will Cassie stop Helen from taking over her body and killing.
- Main Conflict: Helen commits more and more atrocious murders using Cassie’s body, but nobody believes Cassie
- Dilemma: Cassie begins to understand Helen’s plight – she just wants a real life of her own. But, she’s killing to try to make it happen.
Theme: What is a life worth?
3. DISCOVERIES and IMPROVEMENTS:
Even now, I think I can tweak the concept a bit, especially after coming up with the main conflict. The theme is a little iffy as well, though it may strengthen through subsequent passes. There’s a B-story between Cassie and a police Detective that needs to be strengthened. I like the character arc, but I need to really show the beginning Cassie more. There is also a “second” main story: that of Helen. She has a hero’s story type of arc. Bellerophon probably needs some deeper work as well.
The real question I’m struggling with is…what is the horror? Is the horror from external or internal manipulation?
4. AFTER:
Concept: A serial killer uses the unborn twin a woman absorbed in utero to go on a killing spree.
Lead Characters:
- Cassandra (Cassie): Is a young woman who has been having nightmares that she has been killing people, only to discover the nightmares are real.
- Helen: The unborn twin who is inhabiting Cassie’s body at night and committing murders.
- Dr. Seth Bellerophon: The psychiatrist who is treating Cassie. He is a serial killer using Helen as his weapon.
- Det. Jim Wallace: The detective assigned to the serial killer case. He suspects Cassie is connected.
Plot/Structure: (Tell us the Plot number and type. Then give us the 9 beats of your structure.)
- 5 Escape – Your hero is confined against his will (often unjustly) and wants to escape. In this case, the hero is the victim. The natural progression: imprisonment, initial attempts to escape fail, new plan is made that is also thwarted, and finally, the actual escape.
- Opening: Cassie has a dream that she murders someone violently.
- Inciting Incident: Cassie walks on the scene of the crime and Wallace notices her reaction.
- Page 10: Cassie goes to Dr. Bellerophon, the therapist she has been seeing for trauma, to get help with the dreams.
- First Turning Point/End of Act I: Cassie wakes up covered in blood.
- Mid-Point: Helen makes herself known to Cassie by talking to her in the mirror and tells her about her plan.
- Second Turning Point/End of Act II: Helen takes over
- Crisis: Cassie discovers Bellerophon is a serial killer who has been purposefully drawing Helen out and using her as a tool to commit murder. He has been promising Helen he can find her a body if she kills.
- Climax: Cassie kills Bellerophon, but gets away with the murder.
- Resolution: Helen is fully in charge now.
Character Arc:
- Part to be changed: Cassie is timid and afraid to take actions.
- Biggest fear: Her actions will end up hurting someone.
- Completion of arc: She becomes a killer.
Main Conflict, Dramatic Question, Dilemma:
- Dramatic Question: Can Cassie and Helen stop Bellerophon from using them as his murder tool?
- Main Conflict: Bellerophon has promised Helen a body, but only after she succeeds in killing everyone on his list.
- Dilemma: Cassie begins to understand Helen’s plight – she just wants a real life of her own. But, she’s killing to try to make it happen.
Theme: Everyone is corruptible.
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I understand the wise logic of this assignment but as I add elements the diagrammatic simplicity of these paradigms gets cluttered.
Central Dramatic Question: Your end punishes your beginning or is it the other way around? What is the space between the sound of birth and the sigh of death?
Character Arc: Addition: Develop Ibrahim’s transformation. Giving up Islam is powerful but how does this change the way he looks, talks, and acts? What would an American actor like about his change? How would he lie now? How would he deal with BB, Betty, Jake, and Litonya?
Theme: alchemize, convert, make over, metamorphose, transfigure, transmute, transpose, transubstantiate <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Words Related to transform adjust, alter, modify, recast redefine, redesign, redo, reengineer, refashion, regenerate, remake, remodel, revamp, revise, rework, vary deform, disfigure, distort, mutate, transmogrify displace, replace, substitute, supplant
3. DISCOVERIES and IMPROVEMENTS: Explore synonyms for transform, develop Ibrahim’s character arc, and revisit the beats in terms of his arc. BB’s gender affirming transformation is easy to film, but Ibrahim’s loss of religious faith is more challenging. What is the scene before the Summit condo collapse? What does he miss most about losing his wife and son? How does his behavior change? Suspense to Horror, Dread to hysteria, Fear to Anguish. He never had an imagination before but is the religious void filled with nightmares and if so, how can they be filmed? How does he lie now? Is he more afraid of death? After taking the brain buffet, how do Ibrahim and Betty change? Since they are more mentally acute, do they take on other projects? What do they want from La Roches? The kids? The boats? How can I coordinate Ibrahim’s spiritual fall with BB’s gender affirming transition? Another pass would be to do the same character arc with Jake in a different way than Profound so his beats sync with Ibrahim and BB/Betty. Then I must revisit Litonya’s arc so that the three men fight over her in some way to improve scenes.
4. AFTER:
Concept: Bobby/Leo/BB/Betty, a serial killer, transitions into a female chef who sacrifices her life to save Jake and Litonya matured into loving family people and Green activists, killing Ibrahim the CEO of STEMGARCHS who has devolved into genocidal evil as rocks narrate and recycle.
Lead Characters: Bobby/Leo/BB/Betty, Ibrahim, Jake and Litonya, and rocks
Plot/Structure: Transform
1 SERIES OF SHOTS
)Bobby is pulled from his womb with forceps and after losing his right eye in a gang fight grows up to be a funeral director, pleasuring himself after hours over the corpse in a tomb.
Ibrahim is born in a tent in Mecca and performs hajj every year until he marries Sandrine in the 96<sup>th</sup> St. Mosque in Manhattan who gives birth to triplets that genetically belong to Jake
Litonya is born in a cave near Rainbow Falls to native parents and later climbs these rocks as a geologist.
Jake is born to a history prof father and a doctor mother in a stone house on Huguenot St., plagiarizes and is expelled from college, secretly inseminates Ibrahim’s wives because he is impotent, and becomes a fitness star in Manhattan.2. Inciting Incident: He watches from the woods and does nothing as EMS arrives, but later Bobby aka Leo pleasures himself as he prepares his wife’s casket. The problem is that the other characters’ II’s are at different times in the novels.
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. CLIMB AND PUNISHMENT. Thus begins Leo’s double life—the restauranteur who now owns Muddy Mansion as well as his 16-6 condo and devoted father of Joe who becomes a frat president and successful boxer and student at the college and the other Leo who stalks beautiful strong young women, climbers, dancers, or gutter punkies, He is careful. No evidence. No trails. Bodies are found in the wilderness absorbed by nature. Nevertheless, he is booked for assault. After serving a short term because of excellent behavior in prison, (no one cleans like Leo) he sells Muddy Mansion to get money to send Joe to John Jay EMS Masters in Manhattan and Priceless to Ballet Arts and Steps for training. Crime is covered up with cleaning and money. As the first novel ends, Jake has married Priceless the dancer who dissed Leo, Litonya is pregnant with Rodney’s baby, and Ibrahim is courting Sandrine and has bought a penthouse in the Summit in Manhattan.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1: COME TO MAGNIFICENT METAMORPHIC MANHATTAN. Leo moves to Manhattan to become BB. He is pushing fifty and his testosterone is waning, so he no longer needs to rape corpses or have any kind of sex. But he is still a psychopath. He switches back to his Bobby identity, but this time calls himself BB or Boat Bob because he has had it with rocks and wants to spend the rest of his life near water, preferably on boats, rocking gently the way he did in the womb before his life was turned into a tomb. For ten years he hides out in homeless shelters, abandoned boats, sheds, and senior centers where he uses their computers to learn as much about boats as possible. He does odd jobs, still expert at cleaning, cars, construction, cooking, and yes, mortuary procedures, and a side gig secretly burning rent stabilized tenements with natural gas explosions. but he doesn’t get a real job on the books. He lives on the dole and saves whatever money he can to eventually buy a boat. He stays away from his son Joe who ends up marrying the Chinese girl Cheering Spear when Sam Stern is killed by his daughter Litonya and/or a tree during Sandy Storm. He was there as well, stalking, watching, and getting the spoils from his pockets in Turtle Pond. When Jake, Priceless, and the Feldmans are swamped by Sandy Storm in the basement apartments, BB helps clean up. Important to make friends. Although he feels his raping days are over, he befriends and stalks a tour guide MC he meets at the senior centers, giving her little presents like market coupons, umbrellas, shampoo, and bus tickets he gets from the city when she becomes homeless because of a fire that he secretly set as his first hit job in NYC for her landlord. At least she and her cat Sphinx survived. She takes fitness classes, walks a lot, and is more attractive than most seniors. But when he tries to rape her spring 2020 in the abandoned pet store where she is squatting, (his last try he swears to himself), he loses his energy and leaves. Nevertheless, she dies a few weeks later because BB was a carrier of COVID. He had flu symptoms, but nothing life-threatening. When he spends the night there, his son Joe comes to take the body to NYU Langone for research. Joe is too busy as an essential worker to process any of this especially since his wife CS is now in ICU with COVID.
Around page 40: SEISMIC SEESAW narrated by Jake and the MAGMA MONSTERS begins. BB now a hit man for Ibrahim’s STEMGARCHS. But he never confesses, and his son Joe is a good front because he is “perfect.” BB sprays COVID sanitizer at super spreader events like the Feldman’s 2020 parties thereby killing the parents and the son, Ibrahim’s business partner, a necessary act because he must abandon the EE company to go in another direction. BB kills more seniors in Manhattan, including Jake’s grandmother, and sets fire to outdoor restaurants near rent stabilized apartments. BB secretly contaminates the La Roches during Back to School 2020 events and kills the Feldmans with the condensed COVID sanitizer at their Hanukkah party. Ibrahim wants him to kill CS, Joe’s wife, because she knows too much about STEMGARCHS.
Last pinch around 55 has Hurricane Ida demolish Ibrahim’s condo, killing his wife and son, but BB and Joe help clean up. Cleaning and money cover climate catastrophes sometimes but cannot bring back loved ones so Ibrahim changes for the worse.
5. Mid-Point: The Feldmans’ siblings, Norm and Keith, are filthy. They stink and they are ruining the Colonial. It is impossible to clean up after them. They hustle coeds in local bars, hoard food, scavenge in garbage, and have bad hygiene. They fight about everything from food to money to girls to housework, politics, and the pandemic. BB is an OCD cleaner. At first, BB cleans up after them but then he can’t stand it. He wants to kill them. Surely they qualify as non-essential. Ibrahim agrees but he has another request. CS, Joe’s wife, knows too much. They need something sure and sophisticated like a burning car. BB is good at cars. He killed his wife that way. But this must be timed. They are going to the racetracks in the last antique car. It will be their last ride. Ibrahim never wants to know the details.
BB had to click the timer when CS came out of her house and the car was parked in the driveway. The explosion was bigger than planned. The men were killed instantly but CS rolled and lay choking. Since he adopted Joe as a teenager, he lived through this handsome, brave, kind, hard-working, sexy man. Now he is gone, and it is his fault. He wants to become a woman. He is sick of his dangling impotent penis that abused cadavers. After arguing with Ibrahim, he is sent to Thailand to enjoy gender affirming on boats. If a person has undergone an orchiectomy or vaginoplasty, they can stop taking testosterone blockers. BB opts to get rid of his penis and testicles but the vaginoplasty need not be perfect. He isn’t crazy about hormones. So he spends money on fashion. Keep it external. But he transforms internally. He is still a psychopath but hates physical violence, preferring poison, sanitizers, drugs, a match here and there. She becomes a better cook. The name Betty suits her better than Bobby, Leo, or Boat Bob. Betty Cocker if she were in a comedy show. But she stopped laughing when Joe died. Her gender dysphoria has cleared up. But she still works for Ibrahim who is now a full-fledged sociopath, ready to kill millions of humans to save the planet or his people. Now that Betty no longer has that weasel between his pants, she has no admiration for Litonya’s body. Jake and BB always hated each other but Jake is getting desperate about his mom’s Alzheimer’s and his PD. His dad dies. He makes friends with Betty and they work together. Litonya is brought in as well to spy on Ibrahim and his STEMGARCHS. They must get these drugs.Pinches in between: Jake’s dad dies of ALS, his Mom’s Alzheimer’s is worse. Jake is diagnosed with Parkinson’s and Litonya with pulmonary fibrosis. Ibrahim and his family have medical and environmental challenges, but they are privy to the best research. More floods, more landslides, more diseases. The Magma Monsters of the Palisades narrate half the last novel and their presence is visual in cinematic montages.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: Jake, Litonya et al are desperate for the drugs to cure neurodegenerative diseases. Jake is so depressed about having to let his mom die of Alzheimer’s and the knowledge he may be getting Lewy Body dementia and Litonya’s fibrosis is worse. Jake becomes a detective with the help of his kids to uncover the crime history of Bobby, Leo, BB, and now Betty. Betty is older and sicker on her eightieth birthday. Jake tells her she must choose exposure over getting on the side of EvergreenEnergy and betraying her boss Ibrahim, head of STEMGARCHS. But Betty has a secret weapon—access to drugs to cure neurodegenerative diseases. She is still the chef of the CEO of STEMGARCHS. She agrees to cooperate.
7. Crisis: BB has a fight with Litonya and Jake about STEMGARCHS and must make a choice about Ibrahim and the drugs. Whose side is he on—EE with the kids and their eco-boats or Ibrahim with his money, power, and the STEMGARCHS? What are the options? How can she kill Ibrahim? Where are the best drugs?
8. Climax: Betty cooks a poisoned dinner that she and Ibrahim eat. Ibrahim dies but she struggles as she opens the door.
9. Resolution: Betty gives the drugs to Litonya and Jake, helping save their lives, but as she is dying, they put her on a boat near Inwood saltmarshes so she can rock herself to death as the rocks slide into the Hudson and humanity now has another arsenal of cures for neurodegenerative diseases and another fleet of ecoboats like Noah’s arcs for floods and other climate catastrophes. Jake and Litonya die naturally with a seismic seesaw as they are trying a little climb in the Palisades and the igneous rock, the Magma Monsters who narrate half my last novel, slips into the Hudson. The Resurrection is the resumption of the rock cycle and the legacy of the kids to work on the imperfect human brain and ecoboats to tackle climate catastrophes and save humanity.
I think there is a graceful way to sew the arcs of the four characters into a 9 point structure but I must also keep the stories because they will feed individual scenes. The narrative structure of the novels is different from the dramatic structure of the screenplay but all this detail may help better sequencing between scenes when writing the actual screenplay.
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[PS80] Emmanuel’s Pass 2: Story Logic Web
What I learned doing this assignment is seeing the story logic on one page helps you notice any holes in the story and is a quick way to tighten up the plot/structure points, character arc, conflict and dilemma.
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Budinscak 2nd Pass
1. What I learned today:
o Eye opening process to quickly evaluate your script.
o I like how it identified an issue with the tone of a couple of scenes.
o I can see the endless hours I’ve wasted going through the entire script to fix problems – and not be successful or efficient.
o The script in my head isn’t translating as well on paper as I had hoped!
2. BEFORE:
Concept:
Two young cousins are taught about life and family on a long trip with their uncle, a conniving chef who’s agreed to deliver a package cross-country to save his family’s restaurant from being burned to the ground.
Lead Characters:
Uncle Jack – Antagonist – shady, bit of a gambler, womanizer, whatever pops in his mind, that’s what he does. He doesn’t like being saddled with responsibility
Sal – Street smart, smart ass, a bit of a bully to Puck. Likes to lie and he’s sneaky.
Puck – Protagonist – book smart, naïve, honest, clingy, perceptive. Says what’s on his mind – no filter.
Plot/Plot Summary: #2 – Adventure:
The protagonist journey to new and strange places and events. The story is as much about the journey and places visited as it is about the protagonist. Usually, the hero is going in search of fortune but often finds love instead.
Two young cousins stowaway in their uncle’s car unaware he’s driving cross-country to deliver a package for a local crime boss. During the trip, the two boys meet their uncle’s friends, visit places they’ve only heard about and learn interesting lessons about family and life from their Uncle Jack.
3. Structure:
Opening:
While an extended family chats over dinner inside their restaurant, two preteen cousins play outside when a hearse pulls up to the funeral home across the parking lot from the restaurant. Men pull a body bag from the hearse that jerks around wildly.
Inciting Incident:
Jack, the uncle, simply has to agree to deliver a package or his family’s restaurant will be burned to the ground
By page 10, you know what the movie is about:
Jack agrees to deliver a package to Burbank, and he’s unaware he’s making the trip with his two young nephews, Puck and Sal.
First turning point as end of Act 1:
Jack wakes up in his car in Terra Haute (IN) and the two boys pop up in the back seat.
Mid-point:
Jack averts a crisis in an Oklahoma Truck Stop when he beats a trucker who had Puck trapped in a bathroom stall. The boys have never seen this side of their uncle – and never want to.
Second turning point at the end of Act 2:
In Las Vegas, Jack loses all his money in the casino, then is shaken down by the FBI and forced to be their informant, including wearing a wire.
Crisis:
Jack doesn’t want any emotional attachment to the nephews, but when their lives are at peril from carbon monoxide poisoning, he promises to change if God saves Sal and Puck.
Climax:
Jack and the boys deliver the package on time to a funeral home in Burbank. Once inside, Jack is separated from the boys. While Jack suffers, the two kids outwit their bad guy and save their uncle from his captors.
Resolution:
Jack, Sal and Puck arrive on the east coast in time to meet their mom’s – and the mom’s can tell the difference in their kids. While Jack feigns ignorance, the two boys vouch for their uncle’s story and add a few nuggets of their own.
Protagonist Character Arc:
Part to be changed: Jack is completely self-centered, doing whatever he wants.
Biggest fear: being responsible for someone.
Completion of arc: stands up for the kids.
Jack goes from self-centered, me first a-hole to a caring and protective uncle.
Main Conflict:
Will the two boys wear their uncle down during the trip and how does he combat two inquisitive, sneaky kids.
Dramatic Question:
Will he deliver the package to Burbank on time.
Dilemma:
Will Jack
Theme:
There’s a lot more to family than just relatives. Family are those you can count on when you need them.
3. DISCOVERIES and IMPROVEMENTS
A significant change in Protagonist and Antagonist has made the story clearer – it makes more sense.
The two nephews still play a significant role, but it’s where it should be in a supporting role.
Swapping Protagonists impacted the opening scene and the solidified the inciting incident.
My Protagonist Arc in the before section is about the uncle and not one of the nephews. Seems like I knew there was an identity crisis.
Midpoint needs work. It’s a lighthearted movie and it’s a dark scene showing a dark side of Jack.
Crisis needs a little work and clarity.
Jack needs to be more than a conniving chef, he’s now a scoundrel who can cook and make book (for the horses).
4. AFTER
Concept:
A conniving uncle teaches his two young nephews about life and family on a cross-country trip he makes from upstate NY to Burbank, CA, to deliver a package, it was either that or the family restaurant would be burned to the ground.
Lead Characters:
Protagonist – Jack, Uncle to Sal and Puck, scoundrel chef
Antagonist – Don Vito, crime boss who convinces Jack to make a delivery for him.
Supporting Character – Puck – book smart, naïve, clingy
Supporting Character – Sal – street smart, sneaky, liar
Plot/Structure
Plot/Plot Summary: #2 – Adventure:
The protagonist journey to new and strange places and events. The story is as much about the journey and places visited as it is about the protagonist. Usually, the hero is going in search of fortune but often finds love instead.
Two young cousins stowaway in their uncle’s car unaware he’s driving cross-country to deliver a package for a local crime boss. During the trip, the two boys meet their uncle’s friends, visit places they’ve only heard about and learn interesting lessons about family and life from their Uncle Jack.
Opening:
While an extended family chats over dinner inside their restaurant, Jack takes out the trash and watches a hearse pull up to the funeral home across the parking lot. Men struggle pulling a body bag from the hearse that jerks around wildly.
Inciting Incident:
Jack is presented with two options – personally deliver a package or have the family’s restaurant burn to the ground. Jack chooses to deliver a package.
By page 10, you know what the movie is about:
Jack agrees to travel to Burbank to deliver a package, unaware his two young nephews, Puck and Sal, will tag along for the trip.
First turning point as end of Act 1:
Jack wakes up in his car in Terra Haute (IN) and the two boys pop up in the back seat.
Mid-point:
Jack averts a crisis in an Oklahoma Truck Stop when he beats a trucker who had Puck trapped in a bathroom stall. The boys have never seen this side of their uncle – and never want to.
Second turning point at the end of Act 2:
In Las Vegas, Jack loses all his money in the casino, then is shaken down by the FBI and forced to be their informant, including wearing a wire.
Crisis:
Jack doesn’t want any emotional attachments – nephews or otherwise, but when their lives are at peril from carbon monoxide poisoning, he promises to change if God saves Puck and Sal.
Climax:
Jack and the boys deliver the package on time to a funeral home in Burbank. Once inside, Jack is separated from the boys. While Jack suffers, the two kids outwit their bad guy and save their uncle from his captors.
Resolution:
Jack, Sal and Puck arrive on the east coast in time to meet their mom’s – and the mom’s can tell the difference in their kids. While Jack feigns ignorance, the two boys vouch for their uncle’s story and add a few nuggets of their own.
A picture is taken of the trip and posted on the wall in the restaurant. That picture catapults us to the present.
A family outing involving everyone in the movie wraps this up.
Protagonist Character Arc:
Part to be changed: Jack is completely self-centered, doing whatever he wants.
Biggest fear: being responsible for someone.
Completion of arc: acknowledges and stands up for the boys.
Jack goes from self-centered, me first a-hole to a caring and protective uncle.
Main Conflict:
Will the two boys wear their uncle down during the trip? How does Jack combat two inquisitive, ubiquitous kids? Divide and conquer?
Dramatic Question:
Will he deliver the package to Burbank on time?
Dilemma:
Will Jack ditch the kids to enjoy himself OR will he think of the boys wants/needs first.
Theme:
There’s a lot more to family than just relatives. Those you can count on whenever you need them – that’s family.
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Rob Bertrand’s Pass 2: Story Logic Web
1. What I learned doing this assignment is: I learned the “story logic web” and how it can help discover plot holes in your outline. Definitely helped me find a big one!
2. BEFORE:
Concept: Two teenage sisters become convinced that their house is haunted, only to discover an obsessed teenage boy living in their walls, pretending to be their dead mother.
Lead Characters:
Annie Andrews is a high school senior, dealing with the recent loss of her mother, who comes to believe that her house is haunted.
Jessica Andrews is a middle school student, also dealing with the death of her mother, whose obsession with horror movies casts doubt on the sister’s paranormal experiences.
Frank Andrews is a grieving father, who thinks his daughter’s stories of paranormal activity are just a way of seeking attention and wants them to stop.
Danny Laplante is a high school dropout, who’s obsession with Annie drives him to live inside her walls, while pretending to be the spirit of her deceased mother.
Plot/Structure:
#4 Rescue: The Hero will rescue a victim from the villain but the focus of the story
is often on the hero’s pursuit of the villain. The natural progression:
separation, pursuit, confrontation, and finally reunion.Opening: Annie Andrews drives her drunk parents’ home from a wedding and is involved in a serious accident. Nora Andrews dies on the scene.
Inciting Incident: At the funeral reception, Annie Andrews is embarrassed by her drunken intolerant father’s comments about gay people.
By Page 10, you know what the movie is about: Annie begins receiving phone calls from a mysterious boy, who wants to take her on a date. She’s reluctant because she’s confused about her sexuality, but her father talks her into it, thinking it will help with her depression.
First Turning Point, End of Act 1: Annie goes to the fair with Danny, who turns out to be the complete opposite of how he described himself. He’s greasy and morbid; wanting to know everything about Annie’s dead mother. Repulsed, Annie rejects Danny, who doesn’t take it well.
Mid-Point: The sisters start to experience paranormal activity and begin to suspect the house is haunted by their mother. Annie and Jessica perform a séance in an attempt to seek closure. They receive knocking sounds in response to their questions. They are busted by their father, who thinks they shouldn’t be dabbling in the occult.
Second Turning Point, End of Act 2: The paranormal activity increases in intensity. The sisters flee the house when they find a message written in blood that reads, “I’m in your bedroom. Come find me.” The police search the house and discover the message is written with ketchup. Their dad is furious and thinks they’re faking it for attention.
Crisis: After a period of calm, the paranormal activity returns, directed at Annie. Another message reads, “I’m back!” Annie is attacked by a ghostly woman in a white wedding dress. Jessica flees the house after Annie is taken.
Climax: Dad rushes home and finds the house is wrecked. He finds a blonde woman in his bedroom, wearing his dead wife’s wedding dress and holding a hatchet. Only it’s not a woman, it’s Danny Laplante and he’s holding Annie hostage. After a struggle, Annie and her Father escape the house. Later, the police find Danny, hiding in the walls of the house. He’s been living there for months.
Resolution: Annie finds the courage to come out to her father, who’s surprisingly supportive. Annie’s father quits drinking and the family moves away.
Character Arc:
Annie Andrews goes from childish teen lacking self-esteem, to a confident, self-assured adult.
Part to be changed: Guilt over the death of her mother.
Biggest fear: Rejection by her father.
Completion of arc: Annie finds the courage to come out to her father.Main Conflict, Dramatic Question, Dilemma:
Dramatic Question: Can a grieving dysfunctional family overcome their differences and defeat the evil haunting their home?
Main Conflict: After being rejected, Danny Laplante breaks into Annie’s home and begins living in her walls, while pretending to be the spirit of her late mother, to torment the family.
Dilemma: The Andrew sisters are scared for their lives, but their father thinks they’re acting up for attention.
Theme: Childhood is over the moment you realize that monsters are real.
3. DISCOVERIES and IMPROVEMENTS:
In the outlining process, a new character was discovered, so I now believe the idea works better as a Dramatic Triangle character structure. The triangle will be between Annie, her secret crush Jocelyn and Danny. I’ve also decided to change the Plot structure to #7 The Riddle because it better conveys the mystery of what’s happening in the house. I’m also considering turning Annie’s younger sister into a younger brother, or removing the character all together. I also want to remove a plot hole on why Annie would go on a date with Danny, if she already had a crush on Jocelyn.
4. AFTER:
Concept: Annie becomes convinced that her house is haunted, only to discover an obsessed teenage boy living in the walls, pretending to be her dead mother.
Lead Characters:
Annie Andrews is a high school senior, dealing with the recent loss of her mother and struggling with her sexuality. Has a crush on her best friend.
Jocelyn Wilcox is Annie’s best friend and closest confidante.
Danny Laplante is a high school dropout, who’s obsession with Annie drives him to live inside her walls in hopes they can be together. He’s dangerously jealous over Annie and Jocelyn’s relationship.
Plot/Structure: (Tell us the Plot number and type. Then give us the 9 beats of your structure.)
#7 The Riddle: This one challenges the viewer to solve the riddle before the protagonist
does.Opening: Annie Andrews drives her drunk parents’ home from a wedding and is involved in a serious accident. Nora Andrews (mom) dies on the scene.
Inciting Incident: At the funeral reception, Annie Andrews is embarrassed by her drunken intolerant father’s comments about gay people.
By Page 10, you know what the movie is about: Annie’s father set’s her up to go on a blind date with a new kid in town.
First Turning Point, End of Act 1: Annie goes to the fair with Danny, who turns out to be the complete opposite of how he described himself.
Mid-Point: After experiencing paranormal activity, Annie performs a séance to speak with her dead mother. She’s caught by her father.
Second Turning Point, End of Act 2: The paranormal activity increases and Annie is accused of faking it. Jocelyn is attacked and hospitalized. Jocelyn breaks up with Annie.
Crisis: After a period of calm, the paranormal activity returns, directed at Annie. After they are attacked, Annie and her sister run to the neighbors. Annie’s father investigates the house and disappears.
Climax: Annie discovers Danny has been living in the walls and must rescue her father before he’s killed.
Resolution: Annie finds the courage to come out to her father, who’s surprisingly supportive. Annie’s father quits drinking and the family moves away.
Character Arc:
Annie Andrews goes from a people pleasing teen lacking self-esteem, to a confident, self-assured adult.
Part to be changed: Guilt over the death of her mother.
Biggest fear: Rejection by her father.
Completion of arc: Annie finds the courage to come out to her father.Main Conflict, Dramatic Question, Dilemma:
Dramatic Question: Can a grieving teenager overcome her pain and defeat the evil haunting her home?
Main Conflict: No one believes Annie’s claims of paranormal activity and thinks she’s faking it for attention.
Dilemma: Danny Laplante is hiding in the walls, playing demented mind games.
Theme: Childhood is over the moment you realize that monsters are real.
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Jim Peacock’s Pass 2: Story Logic Web
Concept: A computer hacker discovers a plot to release a dirty bomb, and must find a way to foil the antagonist’s plot, all while trying to protect his heart from his newfound love.
Lead Characters:
Protagonist, Jake: The shy 20ish geek who discovers the plot
Antagonist, The General: Powerful leader of a group of middle eastern militia
Mary: Geeky girl next door who undertakes a trip of discovery with Jake
Jean Claude: Conspiracy theorist who joins the movement to defend the US
Harry: Jake’s older brother who provides the muscle
Plot/Structure: #9 Underdog and #13 Maturation/#14 Love. 2 equal plots, not a subplot.
Opening Scene: Jake hacks bank out of revenge and holds its data ransom. His friend from the dark web, Jean Claude, warns him of an attack. Jake is nervous and afraid, calls his brother.
Inciting Incident: Jake’s apartment is invaded by killers, and he narrowly escapes by hiding in Mary’s apartment. The FBI also comes looking for him. Jake calls for help from his older brother Harry who is a detective with the NYC police. He tells Jake to call the police.
By page 10: Jean Claude, a conspiracy theorist, arrives from Canada with his mother’s stolen car and the 3 run away. At this point we know that the trio must evade whoever is chasing them. We’ve also seen the General and know why.
First turning point at end of Act 1: FBI catches them and tells them to help capture the general. They agree, but then run. Harry tells them to turn themselves in.
Mid-Point: They discover the full extent of the General’s evil plan and decide it’s up to them to save the country. They travel to Jean Claude’s uncle’s hut for guidance. Jake calls is brother Harry for help. Mary and Jean Claude constantly fight.
Second turning point at end of Act 2: The trio is surrounded by the general, and Jake must decide which friend is real and which is in on the plot. Both is accused by the other. Jean Claude is shot and wounded by Mary and is left behind. Mary helps them escape.
Crisis: The general kidnaps Mary and demands to know what Jake knows. Tells Jake to get to a computer and return the money and then come to his lair to explain what he knows. Then “he’ll be released”.
Climax: Jake takes all the bank’s assets – 2.5 billion and makes plan to swap himself for Mary. Once there, the General reveals that Mary is his niece and in on the plot. Jake and The General come face to face when he and his brother invade the general’s compound and kill his mignons. Jake kills the general when he draws a gun.
Resolution: Jake and Mary get together and hug. But as credits roll, Mary’s eyes reveal that she’s still dedicated to the plot against America. She sacrificed her uncle, the general, to maintain her cover.
Character Arc: Jake evolves from a shy kid who can’t make eye contact, to a leader who is ultimately able to open his heart and risk all for love.
Main Conflict, Dramatic Question, Dilemma: Can Jake defeat the general and his evil plan? Can Jake open his heart and find love?
Theme: It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
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Day 8 Assignment:
Elizabeth’s Pass 2 Story Logic Web
What I learned: iteration is helpful. Critical, actually, for ongoing improvement.
BEFORE:
Concept: Logline: When Ed, a passively suicidal, retired psychiatrist, meets a feuding couple on a bus and discovers the woman is the daughter of the son his late wife gave up for adoption, he and his retirement home friends get sucked into a medley of family of family dysfunction as the couple attempts (for the seventh time) to get married— where everyone, young to old, helps Ed discover what Freud forgot (so he can again “love and work”) and also finds their own missing piece of Freud’s New-And-Improved Living Well Trifecta.
Lead Characters/ARCs:
Ed (70’s): goes from passively suicidal/stuck grief to loving and working again, because he can also play.
Part to be changed: avoids doing his own grief/psychological work
Biggest Fear: if he plays someone else will die
Completion of Arc: when he saves the wedding day by play the rock music he thought killed his dad at his beloved, deceased wife’s granddaughter’s wedding.
Grace (34): goes from commitment-avoidant to making the commitment she and everyone in her family needs.
Part to be changed: keeps backing out of her wedding
Biggest Fear: if she marries her beloved he’ll leave like her dad did
Completion of Arc: says “I DO.”
Mike (34) goes from ADHD ineffectual to running a start-up
Part to be changed: distracted, playing too many video games
Biggest Fear: if he takes meds he’ll be a different person
Completion of Arc: organizes a start-up
Adam/Eve (11):on the edge of adolescence, embraces the gender identity with which she identifies.
Part to be changed: trying to be someone she’s not
Biggest Fear: she’ll be rejected if she lives as she is
Completion of Arc: makes the clothes she, her mom and brother wear at the the wedding.
Christopher (26) goes from living in his mother’s basement to emancipated and programming for the start up.
Part to be changed: depressed and socially isolated
Biggest Fear: his mother, Linda, can’t make it alone.
Completion of Arc: leaves his mother for a girlfriend.
Plot Structure (number and type – and 9 beats)#12 Transformation/Ensemble.
1. Opening: Ed, having skipped past his unfinished work to prepare for, lay in his bed/coffin, dressed to die, gets awoken by an insane pounding on his door.
2. Inciting Incident: Ed helps a fighting couple because the woman is the doppelgänger of his wife on their wedding day, shows them the picture and they agree.
3. Theme: No matter your age, you—and the world—need your love, work and play. Stated by old, hippy biker-chick retirement home-mate, Pat: “I thought they taught you in shrink school how to live a good, happy life.”
4. First Turning Point: Grace requests more relationship help and has a positive “Grandmommy and Me” genetic test which Ed tries to blow off, until he picks up Susan’s beloved box and notices it’s labeled “For Albert,” the name she gave Grace’s dad.
5. Midpoint: Ed finally gets a chance to give Mark/“Albert” Susan’s box, but before he can open it he has a heart attack and gets taken to the ED.
6. Second Turning Point: Mark dies. We learn he’d only been in Grace’s life for the last 2 weeks. This reminds Ed of his own dad’s death, but he can’t yet share this.
7. Crisis: Grace melts down over wedding day problems, sharing this is another sign she thinks means she shouldn’t get married, so Ed finally tells her about his own dad’s death and how he felt he “knew” at 12 that it was his rock music that killed him—the bonding helps Grace realize she should get married, but—
8. Climax: The delay in wedding has given the musicians time to get stoned, so Ed steps up with a Jimi Hendrix-style wedding march and other wedding music.
9. Resolution: Series of Shots: Grace and Mike, on their honeymoon, playing in only “grown-up ways” without their kids. Ed and Jewels with the kids, placing flowers on Susan’s grave—then on neighboring Jimi Hendrix’s (that in MM 1 & 2 he always quickly passed). Ed and Jewels at Disney World (the kids playing with residents at the retirement home), Ed dictating his book into his phone on various rides, and taking a toke from Jewels. Each of the other character resolutions as described in their character loglines above, in whatever order makes sense.
Main Conflict: humans versus their defenses against: humiliation; fear; pain; anger; sadness; habits; confusion
Dramatic Question: Ed (and everyone around him) have so much love, work and joy/play to share with the world, are they going to figure out how or—just continue to spin?
Dilemma of the Main Characters:
Ed: knows he hasn’t worked through his absentee dad’s death—to avoid feeling angry and sad, but heck, it’s so much work! Unless you can make it a little fun…
Grace: has found the love she needs, but can’t shake the fear that it isn’t real/is going to “leave.” Fear/pain—but doing so is the only way to keep what she has.
Mike: His ADHD-driven (bad) habits are keeping him from the efficacy he needs, both for himself and others. But oh, it’s a lot of work to change them!
Mark: running from sadness: being given up for adoption, adoptive parents couldn’t love him, he’s avoided relationships—but what he needs is to feel the sadness and be understood/accepted for who he is, which he can only do in relationship.
Adam/Eve: society’s habits of gender identity/ behavior confuse her and make it hard for her to be who she is. Also, she’s a kid who needs/wants adults to help her, but also has to stand up for herself to get what she needs.
Christopher: Habits and fear keep him depressed (but ‘safe’) and from emancipating, which, obviously he needs.
Linda: Thinks everything is a competition: only you OR me get to “have what I need.” But it’s in giving that we receive… Humility and trust
Kristian: developmentally regressed in the chaos. Needs to communicate his distress in a way his parents hear, not with the habits that annoy people.
Pat: Needs to communicate in a way that doesn’t push people away. But hell, that pisses her off. (habits/anger/humility-being vulnerable/trust)
Mary (98 bed-bound nun): well-worn default is helping others, but needs to ask for help getting back out because she can no longer do it alone. Habit—ha ha.
Wade and Judy out of the habit of remembering/relishing their love, sharing this with young who want to know how to make a long-term relationship work.
Walt has lots to teach the younger folk, but society’s habits preclude access.
Lauren: hangs out with old people out of fear she’ll be rejected by the young people she also needs.
Theme: No matter your age, you—and the world—need your love, work and play.
Discoveries and improvements: I realized I already played with changing these various components during the last few assignments—thanks to Hal’s prior instructions. Here’s what I’ve so far realized: IF I stick with the title and theme – improving Freud’s take on what constitutes psychological health, I probably want to use an older psychiatrist who would have actually practiced Freudian psychology. I could make this charactera woman, but I don’t see any obvious benefit, and more psychiatrists of this age would be male. IF I switched to a female, she’d be, of necessity, a more gritty character (woman in medicine in those days) and may not have ‘as far to go’ for her character arc. I could ‘go at’ this same theme outside of psychiatry, but wouldn’t be able to “write what I know,” which is part of the appeal, given a need to generate a screenplay quickly. In previous days I considered a whole host of different ensemble characters and situations. Those currently selected seem the best I currently know how to. I also think I’m stuck with ensemble, if I use an old psychiatrist, based on Hal’s “market research” I did. People were much more interested if there where also younger characters to “be in.” A buddy triangle (Ed, Grace and Mike) maybe could work, but I’m stumped on a connection between Mike and Ed that would sing with the title/theme/hook.
SO: other conflicts: Man versus nature, man versus God, man versus man don’t fit as well with this “Freud” title/theme/hook as “man versus his defenses”. Also: being able to recognize and choose to not use our defenses is kinda the essence of transformation.
Which led me to add to the plot SPECIFIC defenses—very enlightening and hopefully helpful keeping the second act afloat!:
Ed: suppression and sublimation
Grace: obsession and possibly dissociation
Mike: distraction/pleasure-seeking
Mark: repression
Christopher avoidance
Adam/Eve projection
Kristian: regression
Pat: externalization
Mary: sublimation
And also to consider the possibility of using Maturation instead of transformation, but best I understand, that seems like a slower story that may not be as good for comedy? I also suspect characters being “stuck” works better for Freud/therapy than normal, expected growth. Today I considered sacrifice, which I hadn’t before. Ed sacrificing for younger characters. Interesting idea. Deeper, heavier. Could work for this theme/title/concept—a tweak to focus on selfishness/selflessness rather than “adding play,” but frankly I’m not sure I’m up for it at the moment. Or that I could do it quickly. I also considered Discover, but that’s a different story. Still—a second career as a rockstar at 80!… also considered a different dramatic question: will Ed love again—would need to beef up the Jewels character, but since she’s a transforming character, she’d also need to arc. I feel that’s less unique than “what Freud Missed” and ‘transforming via overcoming various Freudian psychological defenses,” so not inclined to go this way.
Since I was behind on assignments I’ve put the changes into what I posted above and yesterday’s work that I just finished!
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I just posted this in the Request for Exchange topic. Hope that was the right place. Would love to exchange feedback with any and all.
Concept: A painfully shy overweight hacker, Jake (skinny to his friends) stumbles upon a plot by a middle eastern militia umbrella group (Hashd al-Shaabi) to awaken a loose group of loyalists inside the US military to help deploy a dirty bomb (EMP) over the US. He then must run from them and the FBI as he works to prevent the general’s plot, all while finally opening his heart and falling in love with his female alter ego.
Plot Choice: #9 Underdog and #13 Maturation/#14 Love. 2 equal plots, not a subplot.
Lead Characters:
Protagonist, Jake: The painfully shy 20ish computer geek who discovers the plot
Antagonist, The General: Powerful leader of a group of middle eastern militia
Mary: Geeky girl next door who undertakes a trip of discovery with Jake
Jean Claude: Conspiracy theorist who joins the movement to defend the US
Harry: Jake’s older brother who provides the muscle
Protagonist Character Arc: Jake goes from a lonely boy unable to interact with humans on a personal face-to-face basis – and unwilling to let anyone else into his world – to a man willing to take on the world to save the one person he has finally let into his heart.
Part to be changed: Ability to risk letting people into his life
Biggest fear: Being abandoned and hurt again
Completion of arc: Jake is able to let Mary into his life, and this maturation process also results in his being able to take on a strong antagonist.
Plot in Structure:
Opening Sequence
EXT. NYC SIDEWALK – DAY
Jake eyes glued to the ground, arms wrapped around his laptop, is tripped and made fun of by a bank security guard. He vows revenge under his breath.
INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
He chats on the dark web with his only pseudo-friend Jean Claude – another geek in Canada. We learn that Jake is alone in the world. His parents abandoned him at 17 after he got out of juvi for hacking his school to fix his grades. His macho brother Harry has always thought he was a dingleberry. But on this night Jake seeks revenge by hacking into the bank and sending a ransomware note for $1million. That’s how pissed he is. We learn this is what he does “for a living”, sending ransomware to small companies for only a small % of their assets $3 or 4,000, enough to cover his living expenses. He’s a nice ransomware guy.
Inciting Incident:
INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Jean Claude calls Jake telling him there’s chatter on the dark web about some middle eastern militia coming after him. Clueless, Jake sees black vans pull up outside, so he grabs his computer and runs out his apartment door.
INT. HALLWAY/MARY’S APARTMENT – CONTINUOUS
Jake runs into Mary, his doppelgänger (mousy, a bit heavy, geekish, dark complexion, Persian decent) in the hallway, coming in from working third shift at Denny’s. As men storm up the steps Mary pulls him into her apartment just in time. They watch as unknown GI’s storm his apartment and search for him. They in turn are interrupted by the FBI pulling up below and running inside. They beat it just in time themselves. The FBI, who had been watching and listening for weeks re his ransom attacks, search his apartment and assume he’s been kidnapped. Jake calls Jean Claude for more info, who convinces him it’s a vast CIA conspiracy. He convinces them to run, and he decides to steal his mom’s car and come down to help them escape. Jake calls his brother for advice. Harry, a NYC beat cop, tells him to go to the police.
INT. FBI FIELD OFFICE, NEW YORK – DAY
Agent Terry tries to figure out what happened to Jake. He enlists the help of brother Harry who knows nothing.
EXT. TERRORIST TRAINING CAMP AFGHANISTAN – DAY
The General is pissed that someone has hacked into the money-laundering bank he owns in NYC. He’s more pissed that his men let Jake get away. What does he know? Why did he hack the bank? How powerful is this man? Is it the CIA?
INT. MARY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
They’ll make a run for it tomorrow. But for now, they’re alone. Neither has ever been kissed, so the intimacy is scary. He won’t sleep in her bed, so she sleeps on the LR floor with him. She’s scared. They don’t touch but after Jake is asleep Mary continues looking at him. We don’t know what that means.
By page 10:
INT. MARY’S APARTMENT – MORNING
Jean Claude arrives and pushes a conspiracy theory that it’s all a CIA plot; convinces Jake and Mary to run. They agree.INT CAR – DAY
The Trio is being chased by the FBI, and after a chase they are caught. We start to see a transformation in Jake as he stares the agents down.
First turning point:
INT. FBI FIELD OFFICE – DAY
Trio meet with Jake’s brother and are then interrogated, told a bit about the general (not everything). They have a choice: jail time or help them catch the general – in France. They agree but
EXT. CAR – DAY
as soon as they are set free, and in response to Jean Claude’s conspiracies, then make a run for the Canadian border, closely pursued by a group of middle eastern men in US Army uniforms. They make it across as the Army men break to a stop. They don’t want to expose their movement by going across an international border.
EXT. TERRORIST TRAINING CAMP AFGHANISTAN – DAY
The General is furious once again that Jake has escaped. What does he know? He could bring down the entire operation unless they find out what he knows. We learn the extent of the general’s plan and meet his mignons both by his side and embedded in the US military.
Midpoint:
INT. SHABBY VILLA – CANADIAN WILDERNESS – DAY
The trio go to Jean Claude’s uncle’s remote cabin, uncle Jules, also an avid conspiracy theorist. Jake calls his brother Harry on background, who after encouraging them to come in, explains what he knows about the General. Jake logs back into the bank and discovers the details of the plot: to awaken US military members loyal to his cause and get him access to an Electromagnetic Pulse bomb to wipe out all communications in the Eastern half of the US. Although they have escaped, Jake makes the decision to go back to defeat the general and his evil plan.
MEANWHILE: Jake and Mary continue to become closer – but only in glances, brushes of the skin, then Mary asking to be held at night. Mary and Jean Claude fight constantly, both accusing the other of being in on the general’s plot. And both have “evidence”. (1 set was planted). Jake must make a decision but not now.
Second turning point:
INT. SHABBY VILLA – COTINUOUS/ FBI HEADQUARTERSJake reaches out to Harry who, after being told of the scheme, then telling the FBI and being rebuffed by them, agrees to help. He takes his small plane low across the border and meets them.
Jake checks his Cayman bank account (!) and finds it frozen! But uncle Jules calls in a favor, a trapper with a plane that can get them into where the General has his lair. [Canada, France, Beirut, Kabul, Siberia?]
The four fly off to the General’s lair with the help of the trapper.
INT. NEAR THE GENERAL’S LAIR – DAY
Harry holds target practice with Jake. The four are hiding out near the lair when tensions between Mary and Jean Claude boil over as both show “proof” of involvement with the General. Ultimately Mary shoots Jean Claude and runs out. She doesn’t come back.
Crisis:
INT. FRENCH VILLAGE – NIGHTThe group discovers that Mary has been kidnapped by the general and held hostage until Jake tells them what he knows. Instead, Jake hacks back into the bank and freezes all their assets – $1.5 billion. The general is livid and threatens to kill her.
Climax:
EXT. LAIR – NIGHT
Jake and Harry find the General’s hiding place and find Mary with him (who doesn’t seem to be very captive). They are suspicious but she proves her loyalty by helping them kill the general’s evil mignons. Harry and Jake confront the General and when he begins to draw a weapon Jake pulls the trigger and kills him.
Resolution:
INT. LAIR – NIGHT
The loving couple are reunited and embrace and kiss for the first time. But as the credits roll, we see an evil glint in Mary’s eyes. She is still dedicated to the General’s cause, even if it required sacrificing her uncle the General.
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Day 8 assignment
Plot/Structure:
from the dark web, Jean Claude, warns him of an attack. Jake is nervous and afraid, calls his brother.
Inciting Incident: Jake’s apartment is invaded by killers, and he narrowly escapes by hiding in Mary’s apartment. The FBI also comes looking for him. Jake calls for help from his older brother Harry who is a detective with the NYC police. He tells Jake to call the police.
By page 10: Jean Claude, a conspiracy theorist, arrives from Canada with his mother’s stolen car and the 3 run away. At this point we know that the trio must evade whoever is chasing them. We’ve also seen the General and know why.
First turning point at end of Act 1: FBI catches them and tells them to help capture the general. They agree, but then run. Harry tells them to turn themselves in.
Mid-Point: They discover the full extent of the General’s evil plan and decide it’s up to them to save the country. They travel to Jean Claude’s uncle’s hut for guidance. Jake calls is brother Harry for help. Mary and Jean Claude constantly fight.
Second turning point at end of Act 2: The trio is surrounded by the general, and Jake must decide which friend is real and which is in on the plot. Both is accused by the other. Jean Claude is shot and wounded by Mary and is left behind. Mary helps them escape.
Crisis: The general kidnaps Mary and demands to know what Jake knows. Tells Jake to get to a computer and return the money and then come to his lair to explain what he knows. Then “he’ll be released”.
Climax: Jake takes all the bank’s assets – 2.5 billion and makes plan to swap himself for Mary. Once there, the General reveals that Mary is his niece and in on the plot. Jake and The General come face to face when he and his brother invade the general’s compound and kill his mignons. Jake kills the general when he draws a gun.
Resolution: Jake and Mary get together and hug. But as credits roll, Mary’s eyes reveal that she’s still dedicated to the plot against America. She sacrificed her uncle, the general, to maintain her cover.
Character Arc: Jake evolves from a shy kid who can’t make eye contact, to a leader who is ultimately able to open his heart and risk all for love.
Main Conflict, Dramatic Question, Dilemma: Can Jake defeat the general and his evil plan? Can Jake open his heart and find love?
Theme: It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
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Armand’s Pass 2: Story Logic Web
STEP 3
It is “If Component A is _________,” then that might change Component B to _________.”
If the latest CONCEPT is the ghost haunting the house where he was murdered. The backstory is that the massacre (slasher film-style) took place at his family’s summer home. And all his friends were killed as he tried and failed to save them from the serial killer. Then, the protagonist was killed (second to last) and he died feeling guilty without knowing whatever happened to his girlfriend Maddie.
So if the ghost discovers Maddie is alive by Act 2, this alleviates some of the guilt he may feel. Then, changes must be made to old CHARACTER ARC:
NEW Character Arc: Tyler goes from being a selfish jerk who let his friends die to a brave hero who saves the day.
Tyler (the ghost) and Maddie (the final girl) didn’t have an easy 20 years, mainly because it was so lonely for both of them. When Maddie survived the first killing spree, she became reclusive and traumatized by the death of Tyler and her friends. The killer was never found. And she became a vigilante off the grid, convinced the killer may strike again. Tyler didn’t grow old, he stayed a selfish college kid as a ghost, lonely and also traumatized by his last moments alive.
So if reunited by Midpoint, there’s no going back for Tyler and Maddie in their pursuit of stopping the killer.
Also, if Maddie may die by the end of the film aiding Tyler save the day. Her soul, in college-age form, could go on and rest in peace with Tyler’s.
————— Draft Two of My Story Logic Web —————-
Concept: A ghost haunting the house where he was murdered must save a group of college kids from impending death when the masked killer who was never caught returns for an anniversary spree.
Characters:
Protagonist: Tyler. The rich, entitled college kid who was murdered by a masked serial killer and became a ghost who blames himself for the death of his friends twenty years ago.
Antagonist: Maddie. The original “final girl” and the young college woman Tyler loved when he was alive. Maddie survived the serial killer’s original spree. Twenty years later, now as an adult living off the grid, Maddie has been secretly waiting for the killer to strike back convinced she can stop him.
Supporting: Dallas. In the present: The college girl pushed by her friends to organize a party at her family’s vacation summer manor.
Supporting: Lex. Dallas’s 16 y.o. goth sister who is into true crime and murders. She’s secretly tagged along with her sister and college friends to research Tyler’s murder.
Supporting: The masked serial killer returning.
Plot:
Metamorphosis: The story begins with the ghost trapped in his “afterlife” rituals. He discovers Maddie is alive, and evolves throughout the story, By the end of the story, the ghost is “freed” and can go on to rest in peace.
Character Arc: Tyler goes from being an entitled jerk who feels guilty and refuses to confront his haunted past to a more mature and happier young man with accountability.
Part to be changed: He’s haunted by his past actions and can’t let go.
Biggest fear: That his mistakes will hurt people again.
Completion of arc: Becomes accountable and moves on/rests in peace.
Main Conflict: Can Tyler the ghost save this new batch of college kids from being killed?
Dramatic Question: Can Tyler the ghost stop history from repeating itself and prevent another massacre?
Dilemma: Tyler faces these choices: To allow the serial killer to “win again” without interfering and “live” with the guilt of letting more innocent college kids die OR Intervene, having to confront his biggest fear and fail anyway.
Theme: You need to accept your past in order to move on.
My evaluation: I like the incorporation of Maddie. I think the idea of the ghost trying to protect the college kids with his supernatural powers could be funny. At the same time, it creates the obstacle on how is a ghost going to do it?
————— Draft One of My Story Logic Web —————-
In Step 1, you are simply taking a look at your current Story Logic Web and see what stands out to you. Often, just seeing it presented in ONE PAGE will cause insights.
Simply list the following from your previous lessons:
– Concept: A ghost content with an afterlife haunting the house where he was murdered must save a group of partying college kids when the serial killer who was never caught returns for a new spree.
Old/original concept: A ghost content with an afterlife haunting the house where he was murdered is accidentally brought back to life by the teen girl who just moved in, just as the killer who was never caught returns for a new spree. Now is up to the revived ghost to protect the living and find out why he died.
– Lead Characters
Protagonist: Tyler. The bratty college kid who was murdered by a serial killer and became a ghost.
Antagonist: The serial killer who was never caught.
Supporting: Dallas. The college girl pushed by her friends to organize a party at her family’s vacation summer manor.
Supporting: Lex. Dallas’s 16 y.o. goth sister who is into true crime and murders. She’s secretly tagged along with her sister and college friends to research Tyler’s murder.
Supporting: Maddie. The original “final girl” and the young college woman the ghost loved. Maddie survived the serial killer’s original spree. Now, as an adult, Maddie has been secretly waiting for the killer to strike back convinced she can stop him.
– Plot/Structure: Transformation/Change. Maybe Maturation
– Character Arc: Tyler goes from being an entitled jerk to a nice guy with accountability and heart.
Part to be changed: He’s haunted by his past actions and can’t let go.
Biggest fear: That his mistakes will hurt people again.
Completion of arc: Becomes accountable and moves on with his life.
– Main Conflict: Can the ghost save the college kids from being killed?
Dramatic Question: How is the ghost going to stop the serial killer?
Dilemma: Allow the serial killer to win without interfering and “live” with the guilt of letting more innocents die OR Intervene, having to confront his biggest fear.
– Theme: Confront your past to move on.
My evaluation: My original high concept is no longer as logical. But I like the new concept with the ghost acting like a “babysitter” OR “guardian angel” to the college kids by protecting them from the serial killer. However, this is a horror comedy so the ghost’s early attempts to save the college kids will probably backfire.
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PS80 Amy’s Pass 2: Story Logic Web
1. What I learned doing this assignment is that stress and tension are the enemies of creativity and that’s probably why Hal is always telling us to relax. Doing this process helped me to see how flawed my Story Logic Web was and how unfocused my story was. I’m certain that it’s still got problems, but I think this did improve it.
2. BEFORE
Concept: A nationally known newscaster who has been neglecting her family travels through time and comes back as someone else and one year into the future. She then has to compete with her husband’s ex-girlfriend who has inserted herself into her family’s life while she’s been gone
Lead Characters: Andrea-a famous news anchor who has neglected her family, Josh-Andrea’s husband, Meagan-an ex-girlfriend of Josh who becomes involved with him after Andrea disappears
Plot/Structure: #12 Transformation
Opening: Andrea lives an exciting life as a newscaster on a national network. She works too much and never sees her family.
Inciting incident: Andrea interviews a science professor at a local college about the university’s new supercollider and “accidentally” gets sent back in time one day.
Page 10: Andrea arrives back from the past and finds herself at the newsroom assistant, Joanie’s desk.
End of Act 1: Andrea realizes a year has passed. Everyone assumed she was dead and her husband, Josh has gotten together with a girlfriend from his past, Meagan.
Mid-point: Andrea has done some digging and comes to the realization that Meagan conspired with the professor to send her back in time.
End of Act 2-Andrea tries to send Meagan back in time but fails.
Crisis-Although Andrea succeeds in convincing Josh and her two kids that she’s who she says she is, they confess that they are happier with Meagan than they were with her.
Climax: Andrea (who’s convinced a colleague of her true identity) does an expose’ on the professor and gets him to confess on air that he conspired with Meagan to send her back in time. Andrea admits to neglecting her family and pleads with them to take her back even though she doesn’t look like herself. . Josh and the kids see the report and have a change of heart about Andrea.
Resolution: Meagan and the professor get arrested. Andrea is reunited with Josh and her kids.
Character Arc: Andrea goes from being a woman who finds her significance in her career to a woman who finds her significance in those who love and depend on her.
Main conflict- Andrea is competing with Megan to win her family back.
Dramatic Question: Will Andrea be able to convince her family she is who she says she is and win them back from Meagan?
Dilemma: Andrea doesn’t look like herself, so she either has to convince her family that she’s who she says she is and get them to accept her the way she is now, or move on without them.
Theme: It’s what’s inside of a person that counts.
3. DISCOVERIES AND IMPROVEMENTS
I first realized that my dilemma wasn’t really a dilemma. I also noticed my theme was off. Finally, my components were not in sync and my movie was just all over the place and unfocused. I decided instead of the movie being about Andrea coming back from time travel as someone else, it’s really about her trying to win her family back from Meagan who doesn’t have a big career standing in her way and can focus entirely on Andrea’s family. So the dramatic question becomes will Andrea step back from her very successful career to have more time for her family and win them back from Meagan. Also, I believe the plot would be stronger as Rivalry instead of Transformation and that Andrea getting her husband to fall in love with her all over again can be the B story.
4. Concept: A famous newscaster comes back from time travel a year into the future and finds that her family has been taken over by another woman and must compete with this woman to get them back.
Lead Characters: Andrea-a famous news anchor who has neglected her family, Josh-Andrea’s husband, Meagan-an ex-girlfriend of Josh who becomes involved with him after Andrea disappears
Plot/Structure: Rivalry
Opening: Andrea lives an exciting life as a newscaster on a national network. She works too much and never sees her family.
Inciting incident: Andrea interviews a science professor at a local college about the university’s new supercollider and “accidentally” gets sent back in time one day.
Page 10: Andrea arrives back from the past and finds that she has come back as Joanie the news desk assistant.
End of Act 1: Andrea realizes a year has passed. Everyone assumed she was dead and her husband, Josh has gotten together with a girlfriend from his past, Meagan.
Mid-point: Andrea realizes that Meagan conspired with the professor to send her back in time.
End of Act 2-Andrea tries to send Meagan back in time but fails.
Crisis-Although Andrea succeeds in convincing Josh and her two kids that she’s who she says she is, they confess that they are happier with Meagan than they were with her.
Climax: Andrea (who’s convinced a colleague of her true identity) does an expose’ on the professor and gets him to confess on air that he conspired with Meagan to send her back in time. Andrea admits to neglecting her family and pleads with them to take her back even though she doesn’t look like herself. . Josh and the kids see the report and have a change of heart about Andrea.
Resolution: Meagan and the professor get arrested. Andrea is reunited with Josh and her kids.
Main conflict- Andrea is competing with Megan to win her family back.
Dramatic Question: Will Andrea step back from her career to win Josh and her kids back from Meagan?
Dilemma: Andrea can keep her career and lose her family, or step back from her career and keep her family.
Theme: Realizing what’s most important in life.
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Pablo Soriano’s Pass 2: Story Logic Web
1. What I learned doing this assignment is: There is still so much to improve. I have to admit, this concept wasn’t my number one choice. But it got a decent response when I pitched it to my friends so I went with it. I have a lot of research to do. As a son of immigrants (now American citizens), I realize now that there is a great deal I don’t know about this subject. The first pass was written off the cuff but this second pass still needs A LOT of work.
2. BEFORE:
Concept: A Mexican family attempting to sneak across the border think they have a guardian angel when a drone begins to drop off food and supplies, only to find out that they are being televised on the dark web as Americans place bets on their success and are simply trying to give them the advantage for their own gain.
Lead Characters:
A. Irma Escandon, Mexican mother of two young boys, is taking her family across the desert to the United States of America, determined to give them a better life.
B. Frank Kazakowski is a conservative radio show host on the internet that runs and produces a secret gambling ring that televises illegal immigrants attempting to cross the border.
C. Miguel is a tech-savvy gamer that has placed a substantial bet on the Escandon family to safely cross the border and finds a way to increase his chances by providing aid using a drone, essentially cheating in order to win.
PLOT CHOICE AND SUMMARY: Sacrifice
This plot has a strong moral dilemma at its center. The protagonist is playing for high stakes and a sacrifice must be made at a great personal cost. They should undergo a major transformation during the course of the story, moving from a lower moral state to a higher one, with events forcing their decisions throughout the story.
1. Opening
Buried in debt due to her deadbeat husband’s drinking and gambling, Irma takes what little money she has to buy bus tickets out of their small, Mexican village to Texas where she and her two young boys can start a new life. Meanwhile, a young man named Miguel in El Paso, TX builds a drone.
2. Inciting Incident
When her husband is murdered and her home is burglarized by the bookies/gangsters that he owed money to, the bus tickets are destroyed. No longer feeling safe, she decides to take her sons across the border herself, joining a caravan of migrants. Miguel tests his new drone back in Texas.
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.
Irma and her sons set out with a small caravan through the Chihuahua Desert. A fleet of drones stealthily records their every move. The one controlling these drones is Frank Kazakowski, an Alt-Right YouTube Pundit, and his production team who are secretly live-streaming the Mexican migration on the dark web. They take bets from viewers to see which immigrant makes it the furthest before they notify the authorities of their location. Miguel is one of these viewers and places bets on several “contestants”. He launches his homemade drone towards the direction of the action.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1
When the caravan discovers the drones are following them, many branch out and split up to avoid being captured with the group. Irma reluctantly breaks away from the caravan as she cannot risk being sent back to her village.
5. Mid-Point
As they make their way to Texas, the live-stream projects the odds of the certain individuals that are amongst the caravan as well as those that broke away. Irma was one of these individuals as a drone follows her. After her odds were projected as extremely low, Miguel makes a substantial bet on Irma. Using his homemade drone, he begins to drop off water bottles and some food near their location. Before Irma can object, her youngest son already finishes a bottle of water. When it is clear that it is not contaminated or poisoned, Irma begins to follow the breadcrumbs of water and supplies into safer routes towards Texas.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2
After Miguel’s drone is spotted by the live-stream, Frank sends the drone assigned to Irma to follow Miguel’s back to his home in El Paso when it needs to recharge. Miguel catches wind of this and right before revealing his exact location, he kamikaze crashes his drone into the other to take it down. This gives Irma a small window of time to cross the border undetected. But now Miguel is unable to provide any supplies as water is running low.
7. Crisis
Irma’s youngest son slips and falls off of a rock and severely injures his leg. Famished and exhausted, Irma has to carry her youngest son through the desert. Back at Frank’s headquarters, we see X marks over the faces of several “contestants” as money begins to pour in. As the caravan gets closer to the borderline, Frank gives their exact coordinates to the border patrol. Frank’s team also narrows in on Miguel’s home and sends a couple of goons to take him out. With Irma unable to move quickly, the drones find her and Frank makes another call to the border patrol.
8. Climax
As Frank’s goons break into Miguel’s house, security cameras set up in Miguel’s home get clear pictures of the men, as well as a photo of their license plate. After Miguel is nowhere to be found, the goons leave. When Irma hears the buzz of a drone, she tells her eldest to carry his brother and bolt for the border. She runs a different direction to draw the drone away. After a daring attempt to escape capture, all three are caught by authorities.
9. Resolution
Frank scores another big payday, and as the fleet of drones returns to their makeshift runway, he notices that one is different from the others. He realizes that it looks like Miguel’s only spray painted to look like one of his. He also notices that the camera is still on. Suddenly, police arrive at the scene with an arrest warrant for running a gambling operation and conspiracy to murder. The media is also there to expose Frank for his crimes. Meanwhile, Miguel sits safely in an undisclosed location, looking at Frank on a computer screen as he is handcuffed. It is revealed that Miguel tipped off the authorities and provided them with his own his security camera footage as well as his drone footage of the whole ordeal. With all the documentation, Irma’s entire story has gained national attention as she is praised for her sacrifice by liberals and Latin Americans and vilified by the conservatives and Nationalists. There is an outpour of support as Miguel starts an online fundraiser in her behalf… but embezzles some of it to pay back the money he lost betting on her. Irma, now with enough money, buys three bus tickets to California.
Character Arc:
Due to poor choices, Irma has always been one to let the others around her dictate her life but after making the most difficult decision she’s ever had to make, she learns to never doubt herself and stay the course even if the odds are against her.
Part to be changed: Irma is penniless in debt to bookies in her small Mexican village.
Biggest fear: Being stuck all her life/ Her two sons growing up in a bad environment.
Completion of arc: Irma finds a way for her and her sons to make it to the US, even if by illegal means.
Dramatic Question: Can Irma take her two sons safely across the Chihuahua Desert to the US for the opportunity of a better life?
Main Conflict: With the use of drones, a group of alt-right extremists create a gambling game show on the dark web where they live-stream illegal immigrants attempting to cross the border and ultimately inform the border patrol of the migrants’ location — Irma and her sons are the show’s newest “contestants.”
Dilemma: As one of the drones begins to provide food and water, Irma must decide whether to trust this mysterious Samaritan or take down the drones and risk getting caught in order to help her sons make it to the US safely.
Theme: The chance at the “American Dream” may not be worth the gamble.
3. DISCOVERIES and IMPROVEMENTS:
-Plot holes galore! Top quality drones can only fly out as far as 4.5 miles from their remote controllers. They also only have a battery-life of no more than 20 min. But I’m coming up with ideas on how to fix this issue. A little bit of sci-fi rule breaking can solve this I think.
-The resolution is pretty weak and Irma would not be able to come back to the states for 5-10 years if she were caught and deported. So… I think… I need the boys to make it across without her, hence actually making this a story about sacrifice. But I don’t know.
-That said, I’m not sure it is necessary to have Irma with two sons, Antonio and Andres. Originally, I placed them in the story as something Irma is at risk of losing as well as what gives her the motivation. And since this revolves around a “game” I wanted the symbology of having children playing. But I fear that it might get too crowded having more characters in this story. For now, I’ll keep them in.
-I also added a character: Miguel’s aging mother. I think it would be an interesting contrast to have a mother trying to help her sons and a son trying to help his mother. It gives Miguel a better motivation rather than just cheating for money. It also makes him more likable.
-I need to introduce Frank, the antagonist, earlier. Another thing that I need to work on is I’d like to find a way to show that Irma is not one to take risks so that by the end, it is a big character change to show how she takes a huge risk trying to cross the border.
-With that said, the theme is vague. I came up with a new one. It is a more positive outlook than the previous one about the American Dream. Although, I do want pursuit of the American Dream to be a motif in this story.
-I need help with my dilemma. There’s something there but I’m just not seeing it yet.
Lots to improve here.
4. AFTER:
Concept: A Mexican family attempting to sneak across the border think they have a guardian angel when a drone begins to drop off food and supplies, only to find out that they are being televised on the dark web as Americans place bets on their success and are simply trying to give them the advantage for their own gain.
Lead Characters:
A. Protagonist – Irma Escandon, Mexican mother of two young boys, trying to illegally cross the border with her two sons in hopes to give them a better life.
B. Antagonist – Frank Kazakowski, conservative vlogger that runs and produces a secret gambling ring that televises illegal immigrants attempting to cross the border.
B. Secondary Protagonist – Miguel, a semi-professional gamer that needs money to help his sick mother so he places a bet on the Escandon family to safely cross but finds a way to cheat.
PLOT CHOICE AND SUMMARY: Sacrifice
This plot has a strong moral dilemma at its center. The protagonist is playing for high stakes and a sacrifice must be made at a great personal cost. They should undergo a major transformation during the course of the story, moving from a lower moral state to a higher one, with events forcing their decisions throughout the story.
1. Opening
Now broke due to her deadbeat husband’s drinking and gambling, Irma takes what little money she has to buy bus tickets out of their small, Mexican village to Texas where she and her two young boys can start a new life. Meanwhile, a young man named Miguel, a pro-gamer on Twitch in El Paso, TX, builds a drone as he takes care of his elderly mother who suffers from dementia. Frank, tech-savvy ultranationalist, pitches an idea to the border patrol for a high tech security system that uses drones to monitor the illegal entry of migrants. His idea is considered too expensive and he is turned down.
2. Inciting Incident
When her husband is murdered and her home is burglarized by the bookies/gangsters that he owed money to, the bus tickets are all she has left. She has no choice but to leave her small village. Miguel tests his new drone back in Texas. It works perfectly. But his aging mother is very ill and he needs a way to make money to take care of her. Frank goes back to work on his daily conservative talk show on youtube and rants about the border crisis.
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.
Without passports, Irma and her sons can only make it as far as Ojinaga, right on the border of Texas. From there, they join a small caravan with the same goal of crossing the border through the Chihuahua Desert. As they set out, a fleet of drones stealthily records their every move. The ones controlling these drones are Frank and his production team who are secretly live-streaming the Mexican migration on the dark web. They take bets from viewers to see which immigrant makes it the furthest before they notify the authorities of their location. Miguel is one of these viewers and places bets on several “contestants”. He launches his homemade drone towards the direction of the action.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1
When the caravan discovers the drones are following them, many branch out and split up to avoid being captured with the group. Irma reluctantly breaks away from the caravan but later discovers a hidden package of food and water left by Miguel’s drone with a map of the land.
5. Mid-Point
As they make their way to Texas, the live-stream posts the odds of the certain individuals that are amongst the caravan as well as those that broke away. Irma was one of these individuals as a drone follows her. It is revealed that Irma’s odds are extremely low. Miguel prepares another delivery of supplies as his drone re-charges.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2
After Miguel’s drone drops off another package for Irma and her sons, his drone is spotted by Franks live-stream. Frank sends the drone assigned to Irma to follow Miguel’s back to his home in El Paso when it needs to recharge. Miguel catches wind of this and right before revealing his exact location, he kamikaze crashes his drone into the other to take it down. This gives Irma a small window of time to cross the border undetected. But now Miguel is unable to provide any supplies as the days are getting hotter.
7. Crisis
Irma’s youngest son slips and falls off of a rock and severely injures his leg. Famished and exhausted, Irma has to carry her youngest son through the desert. Back at Frank’s headquarters, we see X marks over the faces of several “contestants” as money (crypto) begins to pour in. Most have been caught, some are dead. As the remaining members of the caravan get closer to the borderline, Frank gives their exact coordinates to the border patrol. Frank’s team also narrows in on Miguel’s home and sends a couple of goons to take him out. With Irma unable to move quickly, the drones find her and Frank makes another call to the border patrol.
8. Climax
As Frank’s goons break into Miguel’s house, Miguels Twitch camera is left on and records them talking about Frank’s secret gambling ring. After Miguel and his mother are nowhere to be found, the goons leave. When Irma hears the buzz of a drone, she hands her eldest son the map and tells him to carry his little brother across the border. She runs a different direction to draw the drone away. After a daring attempt to escape capture, all three are caught by authorities.
9. Resolution
Frank scores another big payday, and as the fleet of drones returns to their makeshift runway, he notices that one is different from the others. He realizes that it looks like Miguel’s only spray painted to look like one of his. He also notices that the camera is still on. Suddenly, police arrive at the scene with an arrest warrant for running a gambling operation and conspiracy to murder. The media is also there to expose Frank for his crimes. Meanwhile, Miguel and his mother sit safely with neighbors (also gamers), looking at Frank on a computer screen as he is handcuffed. It is revealed that Miguel tipped off the authorities and provided them with his own Twitch stream footage as well as his drone footage of the whole ordeal. With all the documentation, Irma’s entire story has gained national attention as she is praised for her by liberals and Latin Americans and vilified by the conservatives and Nationalists. There is an outpour of support as Miguel starts an online fundraiser on her behalf… but takes some of it to pay back the money he lost betting on her. Irma, now with enough money, opens a women’s shelter in her hometown. Her boys help her run it and they plan to visit Texas once their 5 year ban has expired.
Character Arc:
Due to poor choices, Irma has always been one to let the others around her dictate her life but after making the most difficult decision she’s ever had to make, she learns to never doubt herself and stay the course even if the odds are against her.
Part to be changed: Irma is broke and is left alone to care for her two sons.
Biggest fear: Irma – Being stuck in debt / Her two sons growing up in a bad environment.
Completion of arc: Irma finds support in others and she learns to help those with the same struggles.
Dramatic Question: Can Irma find a better life for her sons?
Main Conflict: With the use of drones, a group of alt-right techies create a gambling game show on the dark web where they live-stream illegal immigrants attempting to cross the border and ultimately inform the border patrol of the migrants’ location — Irma and her sons are the show’s newest “contestants.”
Dilemma: Is Irma willing to give herself up to the authorities in order for her sons to make it across the border safely, possibly never seeing them again?
Theme: You can’t win the game unless you play.
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Richard’s Pass 2
What I learnt doing this is… is that I am my own worst enemy, never taking the straightforward route. I have been thinking about this story for over two years, I have written the first half of the script (although I plan to start from scratch for this course) and as of right now I can’t think of what I need to do to strengthen the story apart from character development/depth.
This will come to me later when we look at characters.
Of course, I know other things will change as I begin to write – they always do. It will just mean I will have to rewrite more later rather than now.
I will come back to the exercise and complete it when I receive feedback and have more time to view my overall outline before I start my first draft.
Having two thirds of the story in the one location does affect my ability to change the plot much. But extra scenes will come to me as I progress.
Apologies for being that guy – and I completely understand my plot/characters, as of right now, are far from perfect.
BEFORE
Concept: Trapped in a castle, seven life-long friends must fight to the death so that the last one standing can receive a pardon from a foreign Lord and his army.
Characters:
Shane – A loyal, life-long fighter with the O’Doherty clan. The people’s champion. In sexual relationship with Ileana. Best friend of Malachi.
Ileana O’Doherty – Her father’s favorite child. Secretly pregnant with Shane’s child. More say over family matters than what women in the 17<sup>th</sup> century had. A warrior at heart.
Malachi O’Doherty – Heir apparent of the O’Doherty clan, Ulster’s prominent clan. Older brother to Ileana, Gavin, and Simon. Struggles to get the respect of his people. Best friend of Shane.
Pearse – Shane’s most trusted soldier. Student of the dark arts. Unbreakable loyalty to Shane.
Leif – A warrior’s warrior. People question his sanity. He’s Ireland’s most precious gift in his own mind. Another trusted soldier of Shane.
Gavin O’Doherty – Twin of Simon. Ferocious fighter. Sadistic. Will protect his clan’s position and chain-of-command at all costs.
Simon O’Doherty – Twin of Gavin. Ferocious fighter. Will protect his clan’s position and chain-of-command even if he doesn’t completely agree with it.
Plot/Structure: 16. Sacrifice
Opening
Introduction to our characters as they prepare for battle. Hint at the pregnancy. Highlight tensions between characters.
Inciting Incident
The other Irish clans betray ours. The English slaughter almost everyone. Our characters retreat and the English start their pursuit.
By page 10, you know what the movie is about…
The English will stop at nothing to eliminate the last resisters to their rule. Our group of characters, while bonded their whole lives, are now showing signs of weaknesses in their relationships.
First turning point at end of Act 1
Our characters arrive at the island castle where they are quickly surrounded by English forces. They are trapped.
Mid-Point
The English announce the pardon – that the one person left standing inside the castle will be allowed to leave and there will be no consequences for their actions – our characters now understand the situation and turn on one another.
Second turning point at end of Act 2
With only three of our characters left, they try and work out a way forward. They can’t reach agreement. One character does the unthinkable.
Crisis
There is no realistic future for any of our characters. But now two must fight to the death and try to salvage some hope for the future of the Irish people after this situation has ended.
Climax
One character is alive after a gruesome showdown. Instead of taking the pardon, he kills the English general as Celtic reinforcements arrive to the island.
Resolution
The one survivor uses their standing with the people to reunite the Irish and promises a brighter, self-ruled land.
Character Arc:
Shane goes from a man respectful of culture and chain-of-command to the leader of his people.
Part to be changed: His ability to act on what is needed for the betterment of his people.
Biggest fear: That without culture and chain-of-command the people will become feral and societal breakdown will happen thus weakening his people.
Completion of arc: He realizes that the old ways must change so they can better themselves and become a stronger country.
Dramatic Question: Will lifelong friends/family members murder each other for their own survival?
Main conflict: Seven friends/family members must fight until one is left so they can receive a pardon.
Dilemma: Do they follow tradition and culture and let the ‘leader’ of the group survive?
Theme: Betrayal
DISCOVERIES AND IMPROVEMENTS
Will edit after more thought.
AFTER
Will edit after more thought.
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[PS80] DAY 8 BOB SMITH’S LOGIC WEB
“What I learned doing this assignment is…? How to develop a logic web. I lerned how it is a very useful instrument in writing.
PRESENT YOUR STORY SHOWING EACH PART OF THE 9-BEAT STRUCTUE:
“What I learned doing this assignment is…? The importance of the character arc which moves the story forward. This was a very exacting lesson, I hope I did it right.
WORKING TITLE: “’Moths Around a Flame:’ The Making of ‘The Blue Angel.’”
LOGLINE: Amid the decadence of Weimar Berlin, a prominent film director (Josef von Sternberg) coaches his unknown discovery (Marlene Dietrich) and grooms her for stardom. This grows into an affair that parallels the erotic thriller they are filming, “The Blue Angel” in which a professor’s infatuation with a cabaret showgirl leads to his ruin but life further imitates art as a rivalry develops between the star of the film, Oscar winning actor Emil Jannings and Marlene Dietrich all within a dramatic triangle of von Sternberg, Dietrich, and Janning, all of which has far reaching impact.
PLOT: RIVALRY.
LEAD CHARACTERS:
JOSEF VON STERNBERG, film director.
EMIL JANNINGS, Oscar-winning actor.
MARLENE DIETRICH, actress, von Sternberg’s discovery, he is her mentor to stardom.
STRUCTURE (I am including all the instances of rivalry and the dramatic triangle and character arc in bold.)
1. OPENING: July 1945, Post-war Berlin: Out of the rubble the figure of a man emerges brandishing an Oscar statuette, he shouts at the US Troop installation before him, “Don’t shoot! Don’t shoot! I have won an Oscar!” US troops take him into custody and discover that he is the German actor, Emil Jannings, first Best Actor Oscar winner for ‘The Last Command” (1929)’ and famous also for his performance in “The Blue Angel” (1930) although some of the soldiers say they don’t remember him, but they remember Marlene Dietrich as the star. Jannings grumbles, “I was the star! What you remember is Miss Dietrich’s legs!” They ask what happened to him since then, he indicates that he was “Artist of the State” under the Nazis. The US Commander tells him that he will have to undergo denazification which effectively ends his acting career and asks what led him to perform for the Nazis. So Jannings recounts his unfortunate choices which go back to what happened during the filming of the erotic thriller, “The Blue Angel” in 1930.
“’Moths Around a Flame..’” is about a rivalry between Dietrich and Jannings with a dramatic triangle of von Sternberg, Dietrich, and Jannings.
2. INCITING INCIDENT: Marlene Dietrich, an unknown, auditions for the part of the Cabaret show girl, Lola Lola. Josef von Sternberg, the Director, screens her audition for the studio executives and Emil Jannings, and says he will cast her in the role of the Cabaret showgirl Lola Lola, who is the love interest of Professor Rath (played by Jannings) whose infatuation with her leads to his ruination. Von Sternberg’s choice is met with opposition from everyone involved in the production who were hoping for an established actress in the part. But von Sternberg insists that he will work with no other actress but Dietrich, a chorus girl. He says she is a novice and he will coach her for the part and the stardom he believes can be hers. Jannings views Dietrich as a rival and reminds von Sternberg: “But remember, I am the star of this film.”
3. BY PAGE 10: Von Sternberg is spending an inordinate amount of time with Dietrich in coaching her for the role and grooming her for stardom. He tells Dietrich to lose weight. She invites him and Jannings on a night out to see “the Berlin of Lola Lola” starting wth the Sabri Mahir Boxing Studio, where she keeps in shape and will get into the better shape von Sternberg desires with intensive boxing exercises under Mahir, her trainer. She introduces von Sternberg and Jannings to Mahir and also her friend, actress Carola Neher, also a boxer, and now a cast member of Berthold Brecht’s “Three Penny Opera.” She invites Carola to a boxing match and knocks her out with her lethal right hook which impresses von Sternberg and Jannings. She invites Jannings to join Mahir’s studio as a way to augment his commendable loss of 100 lbs and staying in shape and then invites Carola to join her, Jannings, and von Sternberg for a visit to “the Berlin of Lola Lola” where they can meet the “Einstein of Sex” Dr. Magnus Hirschfeld, a sexologist. All this is Dietrich’s way to deepen her relationship with von Sternberg and mend her relationship with Janning, if not play one-up on him.
4. FIRST TURNING POINT IN ACT ONE: At the Club Silhouette, Carola, Marlene von Sternberg, and Jannings meet Dr. Magnus Hirschfeld who advocates for gay rights and greater freedom in matters of sex. While Dietrich sits on von Sternberg’s lap, in a moment to be reenacted in The film “Morocco,” Marlene Dietrich reaches over and kisses Carola Neher on the lips which makes Dietrich the more attractive to von Sternberg and repulsive to Jannings (“Lola Lola would never do that” Dietrich: “Don’t be so sure.”). Marlene orders champagne for everybody in the club in celebration of her being cast as Lola Lola in “The Blue Angel.” However, the celebration is cut short. A group of Nazis marching in the street hurl rocks through the windows of the Club Silhouette. Hirshfeld remarks, “If those Nazis take over, it will be all over for homosexuals and for Jews. And I am both!” Von Sternberg says, “They will take over the movie business, too. Well, there is work in Hollywood, (to Marlene, he says) “After ‘Blue Angel,’ that’s where I am taking you.”
5. MIDPOINT/ PLOT EVENT: Jannings castigates von Sternberg that he does not even lunch with him but has lunch in Dietrich’s dressing room.
6. MIDPOINT: Von Sternberg’s wife (Riva Royce) confronts him about his relationship with Marlene Dietrich. She says, “Why don’t you divorce me and marry her?” He replies, “I’d sooner share a telephone booth with a cobra.”
7. SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT TWO: Emil Jannings and novelist,
Heinrich Mann watch some dailies. Mann complains that the whole story of his novel
(Professor Unrat) on which “The Blue Angel is based, is subverted by Miss Dietrich’s
legs. Emil Jannings agrees and they go to complain directly to von Sternberg,
Jannings particularly harboring the grievance that he is upstaged by Dietrich
while he is the star. And that all his (von Sternberg’s direction is honed in on
Dietrich while he feels that their collaborative spirit that they had in earlier films
has eroded. Von Sternberg explains that he (Jannings) is the mature actor and
Dietrich needs the attention and she could use his support.
8. CRISIS: In one scene, Jannings’ character is supposed to strangle Dietrich’s character. Jannings over acts it and actually strangles Dietrich, bruising her. She says to von Sternberg, “I played along for the sake of the scene but I could have decked him with my right hook. Next time he tries it, that’s what I’ll do!” She spews her thoughts that she has kept to herself throughout the filming, e.g., that Jannings is a sullen egotistical fool and an over-acting ham who in your (von Sternberg’s) absence has vetoed your direction and directed the cast to do the opposite of what you instructed them.
CHARACTER ARCS: Von Sternberg says to both Dietrich and Jannings, “’The Blue Angel is about to wrap. He need actors who see each other as partners to make a work of art and now put on the finishing touches.” They put aside their rivalry and finish excellent closing scenes in the climax.
9. CLIMAX: The final scenes are filmed: Marlene singing her signature song, “Falling in Love Again,” which includes title line: “Men cluster to me like Moths around a flame. And if their wings are burned, I know I’m not to blame.”
Jannings then enacts the tragic end of the Professor, as he dies clinging to his desk in his old class room.
10. Uncertain of his future, Jannings pays a visit to Alfred Hugenberg, the studio chief, and states his anxiety about his future. Jannings is convinced that he has no future in Hollywood because, he has found out the hard way that his German accent is not working for “talkies.” Hugenberg is a supporter of the Nazis and says to Jannings that he has a future in Germany when the Nazis take over. He tells him that he knows “Goebbels is an admirer of yours.” Jannings is encouraged to do just that.
11. JANNINGS CHARACTER ARC: Life imitates art as Jannings becomes a favorite of the Nazis, only to find himself, as in the opening scene, condemned to de-nazification, in effect, ending his acting career and ruined, much like the professor he played fifteen years earlier, in “The Blue Angel.’
PLOT EVENT: Jannings is visited by old colleague, Hans Alber, who played Mazeppa in “The Blue Angel.” He also stayed in Germany in the film industry, dodging every time the Nazis tried to us him for propaganda. He required no de-nazification and laments with Jannings that he (Jannings) chose wrongly and could have done the same thing. Or even leave for Hollywood with Peter Lorre and Conrad Veidt, and others who escaped from the Nazis.
12. Closing Title Cards:
Josef von Sternberg and Marlene Dietrich went to Hollywood and for the next decade created many acclaimed motion pictures. She opposed Hitler, became an American citizen and entertained the troops even as they fought the German army.
Emil Jannings after 1945 underwent denazification. He would never act again and died in 1950 at age 65.
CHARACTER ARC OF MARLENE DIETRICH:
Part to be changed: Her feelings of inferiority before von Sternberg and Jannings.
Biggest Fear: She’ll be overlooked for the talent she has.
Completion of arc: After months of rivalry with Jannings, she puts her resentments aside and delivers a stunning performance which leads to the international stardom she sought.
CHARACTER ARC FOR EMIL JANNINGS:
Parts to be changed: His jealousy of Dietrich.
Biggest Fear: For his future and his retention of stardom that won him an Oscar.
Completion of Arc: He chooses to put aside his feud with Dietrich and delivers a stellar performance, but choices to remain in Germany and becomes an instrument of Nazi propaganda.
CHARACTER ARC FOR JOSEF VON STERNBERG:
Part to be changed: His pressure of being a director, while having a relationship with his leading actress and playing referee in the Dietrich-Jannings conflict.
Biggest Fear: Losing control and delivering a movie disaster.
Completion of Arc: Tells his actors to put aside their difference and be partners, completes the film, and takes Marlene Dietrich to Hollywood and international stardom.
EVALUATION
It needs more connectedness. Just a retelling of the making of “The Blue Angel” needs more and it is related to the character of Emil Jannings who undergoes a tragic transformation that in its own way parallels the tragic transformation of the character he plays in “The Blue Angel.”
STEP TWO: Isolate Components for improvement and brainstorm ways to elevate them. Below is my second outline with the brainstorm I had included.
PLOT: TRAGIC #12 TRANSFORMATION
STUCTURE:
Needed a more organic reason to retell the story of the making of “The Blue Angel.”
1. THE OPENING: OPENING: July 1945, Post-war Berlin: Out of the rubble the figure of a man emerges brandishing an Oscar statuette, he shouts at the US Troop installation before him, “Don’t shoot! Don’t shoot! I have won an Oscar!” US troops take him into custody and discover that he is the German actor, Emil Jannings, first Best Actor Oscar winner for ‘The Last Command” (1929)’ and famous also for his performance in “The Blue Angel” (1930).
2. INCITING INCIDENT: Because Jannings became a tool of the Nazis as an actor in their propaganda film, he must mow be de-nazified, effectively, ending his acting career. This is the new inciting incident. The examining US Officer asks,
US OFFICER
How did a prominent actor – a man of your stature
become a tool of Nazi propaganda?
JANNINGS
It’s called gaining the whole world
But losing your own soul.
US OFFICER
Huh?
JANNINGS
It started with “The Blue Angel.”
Jannings then retells the story of the making of “The Blue Angel” which is the bulk of this screenplay.
The Dramatic Question is: How did Emil Jannings become a pariah – a tool of the Nazis?
The story continues with von Sternberg’s casting of Marlene Dietrich as the female lead, the showgirl Lola Lola. This is against everybody else’s wish, as everyone else wanted a name-actress. But von Sternberg insists over the protests of Janning and the studio brass.
The story proceeds with Janning confronting von Sternberg with reminders that his “discovery” is not a star but he himself is THE star of “The Blue Angel.”
The CLIMAX is no longer the two scenes of Dietrich and Jannings portraying their characters at the end of the film (although these scenes are re-created. THE CLIMAX is now Jannings’ meeting with studio chief Alfred Hugenberg who encourages Jannings to solve his career concerns by acting in films for the Nazis as he already has an admirer in Josef Goebbels. Jannings takes his advice. And that is how a man of Jannings’ stature became a stooge of the Nazis by which he gained the world and lost his soul, as well, as his acting career entirely.
PLOT STRUCTURE: In addition to these changes (now in the works), there are other sub-plots:
RIVALRY between Dietrich and Jannings all in the context of a DRAMATIC TRIANGLE between DIETRICH and JANNINGS and director, von STERNBERG. In fact, under these comes the fact that each character is both a protagonist and antagonist depending upon the configuration of the triangle relationsships. Over all, Jannings is the protagonist of this screenplay but he becomes a grotesque and tragic protagonist. His only saving virtue in the end is that he regrets the choices he made.
THE MAIN CONFLICT is both the RIVALRY OF DIETRICH AND JANNINGS but also JANNING and VON STERNBERG who disagree about STERNBERG’s attention to mentoring DIETRICH.
DRAMATIC QUESTION: Will JANNINGS, DIETRICH, and STERNBERG be able to work together and finish the film? But “How did a man of Jannings’ stature allow himself to become a tool of the Nazis?”
DILEMMA: Jannings’ decision should or should I not associate myself with the Nazis?
THEME: Gaining the world and losing your soul. I have to say this without the film getting ‘preachy.’
PASS #2 OF MY STORY LOGIC WEB
CONCEPT: Working title: “Moths Around a Flame:’ The Making of “The Blue Angel”
New LOGLINE: Why did acclaimed, Oscar-winning German actor, Emil Jannings, after his stunning performance in “The Blue Angel,” choose to perform in Nazi propaganda films which led to his tragic end that mirrored the tragic end of his character in “The Blue Angel” and what role did “The Blue Angel” play in precipitating his choice?
LEAD CHARACTERS
Emil Jannings: Tragic Protagonist/Antagonist.
Josef von Sternberg: Protagonist.
Marlene Dietrich: Protagonist.
PLOT: Tragic Transformation.
CHARACTER ARC: Uncertain of the future of his career, Emil Jannings chooses to act in Nazi Propaganda films.
MAIN CONFLICT: Emil Jannings vs Marlene Dietrich while also undermining the direction of Josef von Sternberg for grooming her for a stardom that he feels upstages him in the erotic thriller they are filming, “The Blue Angel.”
DRAMATIC QUESTION: “How did a man of Jannings’ stature allow himself to become a tool of the Nazis?”
DILEMMA: Will Jannings advance his career by working with the Nazis?
THEME: Gaining the world and losing your soul.
DISCOVERIES AND IMPROVEMENTS
DISCOVERY: The climactic meeting of Jannings with Nazi-Supporting, Studio Chief Alfred Hugenberg seems anti-climactic. It could have been all Jannings needed to tell in order to answer the dramatic question, in which case why the whole story of the making of “The Blue Angel”? UNLESS it’s a remorseful confession of how rotten he was toward Marlene Dietrich and harassing he was of von Sternberg?
Raises the question: Why should we care about the story of a Nazi stooge, however remorseful he became?
IMPROVEMENT: It is a story of remorse but also admiration for Dietrich and Sternberg.
DISCOVERY: The character arc points to a tragic end, but Jannings is a boor throughout
the filming of “The Blue Angel.” What sympathy for him? There could be an upbeat ending to
this. It can only be a confession and contrition on the part of Jannings, much like the
acknowledgement of Salieri at the end of “Amadeus.” Only way I can go. The confession is to
his friend, actor Hans Alber who stayed in Germany but stayed free of Nazism.
AFTER:
CONCEPT: Working Title: “’Moths Around a Flame:’ The Making of “The Blue Angel”
Why did acclaimed, Oscar-winning German actor, Emil Jannings, after his stunning performance in “The Blue Angel,” choose to perform in Nazi propaganda films which led to his tragic end that mirrored the tragic end of his character in “The Blue Angel” and what role did his conflicts with Marlene Dietrich and Josef von Sternberg (director) play in precipitating his choice?
LEAD CHARACTERS:
Emil Jannings: Tragic Protagonist/Antagonist.
Josef von Sternberg: Protagonist.
Marlene Dietrich: Protagonist.
PLOT: Tragic Transformation.
MAIN BEATS
1. OPENING: Jannings is taken into custody and recognized as an Oscar-winning actor.
2. INCITING INCIDENT: US OFFICER asks, How did a prominent actor – a man of your stature become a tool of Nazi propaganda? Jannings’ answer is the telling of this film’s story.
3. BY PAGE 10: Jannings opposes von Sternberg’s (the director) casting of (then unknown) Marlene Dietrich, as Jannings and the studio brass wanted a name actress.
4. FIRST TURNING POINT IN ACT ONE: Dietrich gives a tour of the “Berlin of Lola Lola” the trollop she plays in the film. She shows von Sternberg and Jannings that she is a boxer, and will box to lose weight – as von Sternberg demands. Dietrich takes von Sternberg and Jannings to a gay cabaret (the Club Silhouette) which is then attacked by the Nazis.
5. MIDPOINT: von Sternberg’s wife (Riza Royce) asks him, “Why don’t you divorce me and marry her?” He replies, “I’d rather share a phone booth with a cobra.”
6. SECOND TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT TWO: Jannings angered at Dietrich and von Sternberg for upstaging him as the star, overacts a scene requiring Jannings to strangle Dietrich, he really does. Von Sternberg calls on them to reconcile and partner up for a big finish to the film, which they do with Dietrich’s signature song, “Falling in love again.” And Jannings moving performance of the death of the professor in ruin.
7. CRISIS: Uncertain of his future, Jannings asks for help from Studio Chief (and Nazi supporter, Alfred Hugenberg who encourages Jannings to work for the Nazis when they take over. He decides to do so.
8. CLIMAX: Jannings is remorseful for his choice and liberated for having confessed his story which parallels the ruination of the professor he played in “The Blue Angel.”
CHARACTER ARC: Jannings accepts his guilt with remorse for having worked for the Nazis in propaganda films.
MAIN CONFLICT: Emil Jannings vs Marlene Dietrich while also undermining the direction of Josef von Sternberg for grooming her for a stardom that he feels upstages him as the star of “The Blue Angel.”
DRAMATIC QUESTION: How did a prominent actor – a man of stature become a tool of Nazi propaganda?
DILEMMA: Will Jannings advance his career by working with the Nazis?
THEME: Gaining the whole world and losing your soul.
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Janeen’s Pass 2: Story Logic Web
1. What I learned doing this assignment is that it is important to be clear about the character arc and personality traits in design and that they will need to be considered even more closely as more details are added before doing the actual writing.
2. BEFORE:
Concept: A wealthy fashionista learns mind control techniques and uses them to empower women at a shelter to take action against their abusers. As her ability to empower the abused grows stronger, the actions taken against the abusers turn deadly.
Lead Characters: Morgan: (fashionista) studying Silva Mind Control
Amber Richards (abused wife), beaten down, petrified for herself and her children, shell-shocked
Daniel Richards (fashion designer): entitled, paranoid, vicious
Plot/Structure: (Tell us the Plot number and type. Then give us the 9 beats of your structure.)#13 – Maturation
STRUCTURE:
1. Opening: The fashionista leaves a Silva Mind Control class and donates money and clothes at a women’s shelter where she meets her favorite designer’s abused wife and kids, befriending them.
2. Inciting Incident: While providing feedback to the fussy designer at his house, the fashionista secretly leaves a book on the Silva method for the wife. The wife gives her the signal for “help” and the fashionista calls the police. As the arrest happens, a verbal contest between the fashionista and designer erupts.
3. By page 10, what the movie is about: The fashion designer cuts all ties with the fashionista and gets a restraining order against her for harassment. The wife has refused to testify so charges have been dropped on the designer. The fashionista must find another way to help the abused wife.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1: The fashionista talks to her book club about how she can now help the woman. The book club includes a cop, a lawyer, an ER nurse and the woman running the shelter. Since outside interference often makes things worse, they agree to use mind control techniques to help women in danger.
5. Mid-Point: Since Silva says you cannot use his techniques to hurt others, they devise ways to use them to fortify the women in the shelter before they leave. Three women have found the courage to leave their abusers, some striking back with violence, and the police have found reasons to lock up the abusers.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: The designer puts his wife in the ER in critical condition. The book club uses all of their efforts to empower the her to protect herself and her children. After his next minor abuse, she drugs her husband’s meal with the pain pills they gave her at the ER and kills him with a kitchen knife.
7. Crisis: The group rallies around her when the call comes in to the police but the police charge the book club as accessories to the murder because the cop in the group has told her partner about the prior successes they have had in getting women to safely leave their abusive spouses. The partner thinks they’ve taken it too far.
8. Climax: At court, the group swears that they haven’t talked to the woman directly — ever — and that all they have done is offer “thoughts and prayers”. In a dramatic court battle discussing the difference between their techniques and “thoughts and prayers”, the lawyer argues that there is no proof and no way “to prove” that sending supportive intentional thoughts to someone concretely affects their actions. They are not accessories.
9. Resolution: After the drama in the courtroom, the judge rules in the book club’s favor and the rest of the club meets the designer’s wife for the first time. She asks to join the club.
Character Arc:
The fashionista (Morgan) goes from dabbling in mind control and healing techniques to further her petty notions of helping people to using them for life or death reasons to protect others.
Part to be changed: Morgan amuses herself with the techniques using them only for self-improvement
Biggest fear: Getting in so deep that someone hurts her in revenge of her actions
Completion of arc: She saves her designer’s wife and kids, avoids being charged with anything and realizes her power.
Main Conflict: Morgan (with help from her book club) tries to help Amber stay alive and escape from her husband, Daniel, without getting herself killed/injured in the process.
Dramatic Question: Are mind control techniques real? If so, does that mean aiding and abetting in murder if an abused wife kills her husband?
Dilemma: Morgan is afraid Amber will be killed if she doesn’t do something, but also afraid that she will be killed if she does do something since she was beaten worse when Morgan tried to help her the first time.
Theme: Helping abused people stuck in bad situations requires emotional and moral support as well as all of the physical support to start a new life.
3. DISCOVERIES and IMPROVEMENTS:
My character descriptions were wimpy job titles. I fixed those and added some traits and motivations.
My Plot more closely resembles a Transformation than a Maturation so I made that change.
I tweaked a lot of language to show more fear in Morgan about her power; clearer understanding of the legal question; show her actual transformation – acceptance of her new power/role.
I’ve realized that the other members of the book club’s roles will need to be fleshed out more when I get into detailed plotting, so I’ve added fashionista-only changes/efforts to the Structure to highlight her character growth/arc.
4. AFTER:
Concept: A wealthy fashionista learns mind control techniques and uses them to empower women at a shelter to take action against their abusers. As her ability to empower the abused grows stronger, the actions taken against the abusers turn deadly.
Lead Characters: Morgan: (wealthy fashionista) studying Silva Mind Control, compassionate, benevolent, high self-image, puts self-preservation above charitable works
Amber Richards (abused wife), beaten down, petrified for herself and her children, shell-shocked, believes she will lose her children if she leaves their father.
Daniel Richards (fashion designer): entitled, paranoid, vicious, feels he has every right to demand subservience and perfection from his wife and punish her if he doesn’t get it.
Plot/Structure: (Tell us the Plot number and type. Then give us the 9 beats of your structure.) #12 – Transformation
STRUCTURE:
1. Opening: The fashionista leaves a Silva Mind Control class and donates money and clothes at a women’s shelter where she meets her favorite designer’s abused wife and kids, befriending them.
2. Inciting Incident: While providing feedback to the fussy designer at his house, the fashionista secretly leaves a book on the Silva method for the wife. The wife gives her the hand signal for “help” and the fashionista calls the police. As the arrest happens, a verbal contest between the fashionista and designer erupts.
3. By page 10, what the movie is about: The fashion designer cuts all ties with the fashionista and gets a restraining order against her for harassment. The wife has refused to testify so charges have been dropped on the designer. The fashionista must find another way to help the abused wife because the abuse is escalating.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1: The fashionista talks to her book club about how she can now help the woman. The book club includes a cop, a lawyer, an ER nurse and the woman running the shelter. They explore ways to help abused women and find that in this case, the husband is both powerful and totally in control of his wife. Since outside interference often makes things worse and already has gotten the fashionista in legal trouble, they agree to try mind control techniques to help women in danger.
5. Mid-Point: Since Silva says you cannot use his techniques to hurt others and they can be done without the consent/knowledge of the receiver, they devise ways to use Silva techniques to fortify Amber and some women in the shelter so they can monitor results. Three women have found the courage to leave their abusers, some striking back with violence, and the police have found reasons to lock up the abusers once they testify.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: The designer puts his wife in the ER in critical condition after she tries to fight back. Incensed, the fashionista wants to actively push the abused wife to press charges and take the family into her home. The book club talks her out of it for legal reasons and uses all of their Silva efforts to empower the wife to protect herself and her children imbuing her with confidence, emotional strength and vision. After his next minor abuse, she drugs her husband’s meal with the pain pills they gave her at the ER and kills him with a kitchen knife.
7. Crisis: The group rallies around her when the call comes in to the police but the police charge the book club as accessories to the murder because the cop in the group has told her partner about the prior successes they have had in getting women to safely leave their abusive spouses. The partner thinks they’ve taken their interference too far.
8. Climax: At court, the lawyer in the book club has them all swear that they haven’t talked to the woman directly — ever (except for the fashionista, but only before the restraining order went into effect) — and that all they have done is offer “thoughts and prayers”, a term the cop who turned them in used derisively when he first heard about it from his partner, the cop in the book club. In a dramatic court battle discussing the difference between their techniques and religious “thoughts and prayers”, the lawyer argues that there is no proof and no way “to prove” that sending supportive intentional thoughts to someone concretely affects their actions. She cites Silva’s maxim that you cannot use the techniques to hurt others. Therefore, they are not accessories.
9. Resolution: After the drama in the courtroom, the judge rules in the book club’s favor and the rest of the club meets the designer’s wife for the first time. She asks to join the club.
Character Arc:
The fashionista (Morgan) goes from dabbling in mind control and healing techniques to further her petty notions of helping people to using them for life or death reasons to protect others.
Part to be changed: Morgan amuses herself with the techniques using them only for self-improvement.
Biggest fear: Getting in so deep when helping, that someone hurts her as revenge for her thoughts/actions – a fear that the techniques are really powerful and she will be responsible if someone gets hurt. She fears her own success because of the power it means she has.
Completion of arc: She saves her designer’s wife and kids, avoids being charged with anything and realizes/embraces her power.
Main Conflict: Morgan (with help from her book club) tries to help Amber stay alive and escape successfully from her husband, Daniel, without getting any or all of them killed/injured in the process or Amber losing her kids.
Dramatic Question: Are mind control techniques real? If so, does that mean using them to help the abused is aiding and abetting in murder if an abused wife kills her husband?
Dilemma: Morgan is afraid Amber will be killed if she doesn’t do something, but also afraid that she will be killed if she does do something since she was beaten worse when Morgan tried to help her the first time.
Theme: Helping abused people stuck in bad situations requires emotional and moral support/”magic” as well as all of the physical support to start a new life.
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Claudia’s Pass 2: Story Logic Web
1. What I learned doing this assignment is…. as always, we look for ways to heighten the elements – from structure to character, etc… to make it a better story.
2. BEFORE:
Concept: An OCD, germaphobe Martha Stewart wannabe must take over the family’s cleaning business after her father becomes ill meets the man of her dreams, not knowing he makes Oscar Madison look like Felix Unger.
Lead Characters: Abby – a smart businesswoman who is fighting phobias
Nick – the boyfriend who is a secret slob.
Adriana – Maid who is the leader of the employees
Plot/Structure: (Tell us the Plot number and type. Then give us the 9 beats of your structure.) 14: Love & 12: Transformation. It’s a love story (Romantic Comedy, but also the transformation of a character who’s been fighting a fear almost her entire life).
3. Structure: Nine Beats of the Structure:
Opening Scene: Abby (at 7 years old) is on a pony at a farm, the pony gets scared by her brother and takes off, she valiantly holds on until the pony stops dead, throwing her over his head and right into a mucked pile of poo. She’s okay, but covered in poo and is screaming with fright.
Inciting Incident: Abby, now an adult, gets word that her father has had a heart attack. She races to the hospital. He will be okay, but needs her to take over the family cleaning company.
Page 10 / What’s the movie about: Abby will need to get over her fear if she is to save the family business.
1<sup>st</sup> Turning Point: At the Cleaning company. It’s filthy, no one is there yet. Going through paperwork she sees that the business is in financial trouble and her father kept it a secret.
Midpoint: The workers/maids are so upset with the way she’s running the company that they stage a “sick out” – so there’s no one to clean the places except for Abby!
Second Turning Point: Major competitor, her father’s arch nemesis, offers to buy out the company which is crumbling.
Crisis: The Nemesis reaches out to all of the unhappy customers, they are losing customers left and right.
Climax: Abby calls a meeting with the maids and apologizes. She asks for their help, not for her, but for her father. The maids agree and do double duty, getting clients back and happy.
Resolution: Dad wheels back in to take over the business, he’s thrilled with how she’s kept it together, everyone is happy.
Character Arc: Abby has been suffering from phobias since was a kid, she will need to overcome them to save her family’s business and to have a real relationship with Nick.
Main Conflict: Abby has to put aside her dreams (and her phobias) to help run her father’s cleaning business after he has a heart attack.
Dramatic Question: Will Abby be able to overcome her fears and keep the business afloat?
Dilemma: Abby knows that she has to step up and run her father’s business but she’s literally terrified of germs, at the same time she has to put aside her own dreams to be there for her family.
Theme: Life is messy, you need to dig in and experience it to find your way/path/calling/future.
3. DISCOVERIES and IMPROVEMENTS:
While I spent quite a bit of time going through the areas, I’m keeping it as is for now, there is so much that still needs to be heightened and this description doesn’t go into anything regarding Nick… he’s the B story, love interest, everything above/below is the A story. Nick will help Abby get through the worst of the phobia (it won’t completely go away, that would be an unreasonable expectation). Also, Nick is hiding a secret (his extreme sloppiness) and how Abby finds out will be, hopefully, very funny. I’m open to going in whatever direction/ make any changes that will make it better… my brain today just said it was done.
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Michelle Damis Pass 2: Story Logic Web
1. What I learned doing this assignment is that I was able to clarify my concept/logline and add some depth to my characters. I really like all this strategizing and planning that I bele3ive will make writing dialogues and scenes much easier.
2. BEFORE:
Concept: Parents desperate to be empty-nesters unknowingly trade their soul-sucking 20-something daughter for a blood-sucking tenant.
Lead Characters:
The Dad: Jim is a recently retired grade school principle, beloved by all, and a heart of gold.
The Mom: Marin is a recently retired highly respected public defender that hasn’t gotten along with her daughter for years.
The Daughter: Nina couldn’t find an affordable apartment after graduating college and was forced to move back in with her parents.
The Vampire: Ted is a several hundred year old Vampire looking for a new place to live due to his abandoned building being torn down to make way for fancy condos.
3. Plot/Structure: (Tell us the Plot number and type. Then give us the 9 beats of your structure.)
Plot #12 METAMORPHOSIS: This plot is a magical one. It usually begins with a curse that is generally cured by some type of love — either parental, romantic, love of others, or love of God. This is about a transformation back to humanity through love.
9 beats of my structure.
1. Opening: We meet Ted the Vampire and get to know him (VO background life info), going to night club with a vampire friend. We meet Nina at same night club, learn her “life” thru conversation with friend.(the two characters parallel somewhat)
2. Inciting Incident: Ted comes home to notification of demolition. Parents have epiphany “anybody” better than her…get a tenant so they can afford to pay Ninas rent in the city.
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Parents interviewing possible tenants, Ted interviews…and they adore him. Nina is thrilled to get to move out but not happy with their choice, she kinda recognizes him, but can’t put her finger on it.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1 Ted learns he can’t kill landlord or family, starting to become fond…feeling like a family, Nina becoming jealous and suspicious.
5. Mid-Point: Nina discovers Ted is a vampire, goes to her parents-who don’t believe her. One or some of Jim and Marins friends go missing.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: Nina confronts Ted, Elder vampires confront Ted-he is cornered.
7. Crisis: Ted wants to protect the family, but he doesn’t want to leave. Marin and Nina go missing. Ted has to tell Jim, Jim asks Ted to turn him to help save his wife and daughter. Ted says No-he promises to save them.
8. Climax: Marin and Nina are tied up together, Why Nina is so angry at her mother comes out after years (explaining her terrible behavior) Things go VERY BAD. Ted has to turn Jim to save them.
9. Resolution choice A.) they are saved and Ted sacrifices himself so that Jim turns back…the family is whole again. B.) they are saved, Ted sacrifices himself to turn Jim back and in doing so his selfless act turns him back to human. C.) they all turn and become a vampire family D.) They all turn, then Ted sacrifices himself to turn them back. They all wake up in their beds…was it a dream?Character Arc: Ted goes from a lonely, uncaring, vampire with disdain for humans to wishing he was human again so he could be part of a family.
Main conflict: The daughter and her parents relationship/and the Vampire becoming connected to a family and not wanting to kill humans anymore
Dramatic Question: How will the family survive living with a Vampire?
Dilemma: When the elder vampires attack what will Ted the Vampire decide to do? Fight them and save the family or sacrifice himself? What will the family do? Choose to be turned or sacrifice to save the others?
Theme: Family is worth fighting for.
3. Discoveries and Improvements: I rearranged my concept/logline to better reflect the story. I also added some details to the characters that will help me throughout the process. I added the character arc for all 4 main characters since it is an ensemble cast. No major changes in my 9 beats and I’m still open to several potential, logical endings.
4. AFTER:
Concept: A Vampire forced to find a new place to live finds a home with empty-nester parents who unknowingly trade their soul-sucking daughter for a blood-sucking tenant.
Lead Characters:
The Vampire: Ted is a several hundred year old Vampire looking for a new place to live due to his abandoned building being torn down to make way for fancy condos.
The Daughter: Nina couldn’t find an affordable apartment after graduating college and was forced to move back in with her parents. She harbors resentment and blames her mother for an event that happened in high school.
The Dad: Jim is a recently retired grade school principle, beloved by all with a heart of gold. He wouldn’t hurt a fly. He always wanted a son.
The Mom: Marin is a recently retired highly respected public defender that hasn’t gotten along with her daughter for years. She also holds a secret, after a sexual attack she was unable to have more children.
Plot/Structure: (I had already changed from #1 Quest to #12 Metamorphosis on Day 7 assignment)
PLOT #12 METAMORPHOSIS: This plot is a magical one. It usually begins with a curse that is
generally cured by some type of love — either parental, romantic, love of others, or love of God. This is about a transformation back to humanity through love.9 beats of Structure:
1. Opening: We meet Ted the Vampire and get to know him (VO background life info narration), going to night club with a vampire friend. We meet Nina at same night club, learn her “life” thru conversation with friend.(the two characters parallel somewhat)
2. Inciting Incident: Ted comes home to notification of demolition. Parents have epiphany “anybody” better than her they decide to get a tenant so they can afford to pay Ninas rent in the city.
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Parents interviewing possible tenants, Ted interviews…and they adore him. Nina is thrilled to get to move out but not happy with their choice, she kinda recognizes him, but can’t put her finger on it.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1 Ted learns he can’t kill landlord or family, starting to become fond…feeling like a family, Nina becoming jealous and suspicious.
5. Mid-Point: Nina discovers Ted is a vampire, goes to her parents-who don’t believe her. One or some of Jim and Marins friends go missing.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: Nina confronts Ted, Elder vampires confront Ted-he is cornered.
7. Crisis: Ted wants to protect the family, but he doesn’t want to leave. Marin and Nina go missing. Ted has to tell Jim, Jim asks Ted to turn him to help save his wife and daughter. Ted says No-he promises to save them.
8. Climax: Marin and Nina are tied up together, Why Nina is so angry at her mother comes out after years (explaining her terrible behavior) Marin confesses a shocking secret as well. Things go VERY BAD. Ted has to turn Jim to save them.
9. Resolution choice A.) they are saved and Ted sacrifices himself so that Jim turns back…the family is whole again. B.) they are saved, Ted sacrifices himself to turn Jim back and in doing so his selfless act turns him back to human. C.) they all turn and become a vampire family D.) They all turn, then Ted sacrifices himself to turn them back. They all wake up in their beds…was it a dream?Character Arc:
The Vampire: Ted goes from a lonely, uncaring, vampire with disdain for humans to wishing he was human again so he could be part of a family.
Nina-The Daughter: goes from an angry, mean daughter with a chip on her shoulder to confessing a secret, forgiving her mother and finding peace.
Jim-The Dad: The gentle man that wouldn’t hurt a fly to being willing to kill to save his family and Ted.
Marin-The Mom: Marin goes from being confused and hurt by her daughters treatment of her, to understanding, forgiving and confessing her own deep secret.
Main Conflict(s): The vampire becoming connected to the family and not wanting to kill anymore and the daughter and her parents relationship.
Dramatic Question: How will the family survive living with a Vampire?
Dilemma(s): When the family is in danger will Ted fight for them or sacrifice himself? Will the family choose to be turned to survive?
Theme: Family/Love is worth
fighting for. -
Erin’s Pass 2: Story logic Web
1. What I learned doing this assignment is: This took an extremely long time to do but was a helpful and necessary process to work out the problems now rather than down the line.
2. BEFORE:
Concept: Logline/Concept: An uptight cop travels back in time to convince a fun-loving version of himself – who also travelled back in time – to return to his mission and prevent WW3
Lead Characters:
Richard, a stubborn and inflexible Space Force special forces “nuke troop” in the year 2055
Dick, who is Richard but 3 years older, who was sent back to 2028 but is enjoying the good life in the past instead of carrying out his mission; unlike Richard, he’s easygoing, fun, and spontaneous
Cap, Richard and Dick’s commanding officer in 2055 who sends them on this secret mission
Shaz, the eccentric tech billionaire entrepreneur whose new goal is to establish the first successful space tourism company and who is also secretly stockpiling rogue nuclear warheads
Plot/Structure: #9 Underdog: Protag vs Antag where protag is at a disadvantage.
1. OPENING – Richard, a stubborn and uptight cop/special agent in the year 2055; we see him engaged in some action sequence which I haven’t figured out yet…
2. INCITING INCIDENT – Dick (looks like Richard’s twin; later we discover it’s actually Richard from a different point in time) watches a rocket launch in Florida in 2028. It goes off without a hitch.
3. BY PAGE 10 YOU KNOW WHAT THE MOVIE IS ABOUT
4. END OF ACT 1 TURNING POINT – Richard travels back in time to 2028 to find Dick and together, carry out the mission to stop WW3
5. MID POINT – Dick finally tells Richard what’s going on – they’ve been set up by their Captain and he’s been sabotaging Richard’s plans
6. END OF ACT 2 TURNING POINT – Captain and a band of Russians show up from the future with a mission of their own – to kill Shaz and to get rid of Richard and Dick.
7. CRISIS – The dilemma is here, where Richard maybe has to choose between what needs to be done and what he wants, details TBD
8. CLIMAX – The rocket launch – Richard & Dick want to make sure it goes off without a hitch. Captain & his bad guys want to sabotage it and/or kill Shaz and along the way knock off Richard and Dick, too. This is the big action set piece at the end.
9. RESOLUTION – Dick stays in the past and enjoys the life he’s built for himself. Richard goes back to his timeline and is able to save his marriage. The good guys win and the bad guys lose.
Character Arc:
Richard goes from a stubborn and rigid stickler who won’t let go of the past to a more accepting, go-with-the-flow kind of guy
– Part to be changed: his stubborn rigidity and inability to let go of the past
– Biggest fear: losing his wife
– Completion of arc: only by having learned the value (to both his personal life and his work as a cop) of being less uptight, more able to improvise from his partner (ie, another version of himself), he’s able to save his wife (as well as complete the mission and return to his timeline)
The Necessary Questions:
Dramatic Question: Will our hero be able to carry out his mission and prevent a devastating nuclear world war in the future?
Main Conflict: The hero (a cop who’s traveled back in time) has to team up with another version of himself (who also traveled back in time) to carry out the mission, but this other version is more interested in relaxing and having fun than in saving the world
Dilemma: To stick to his tried-and-true way of doing things that have made him very effective but have also strained his marriage terribly, or try new ways of doing things but risk failing at the most important military operation he’s ever been faced with
Theme: It’s never too late to change
3. DISCOVERIES AND IMPROVEMENTS
The plot and structure were the things that needed the most work, by far. The theme was also too vague and non-specific. I needed to add another character to be the real bad guy of the story. Plus, I’ve changed the protag from being a regular cop to being a member of a nuclear-weapon-focused special forces team of Space Force, which presumably in the future will play an important role. The concept, other lead characters, main conflict, and dramatic question were fine as is.
4. AFTER
Concept: Logline/Concept: A stubborn, by-the-book special forces expert travels back in time to 2028 and must team up with another, lazy and fun-loving version of himself – who also traveled back in time – to track down a rogue nuclear warhead destined to start WW3.
Lead Characters:
Richard, a stubborn and inflexible Space Force special forces “nuke troop” in the year 2055
Dick, who is Richard but 3 years older, who was sent back to 2028 but is enjoying the good life in the past instead of carrying out his mission; unlike Richard, he’s easygoing, fun, and spontaneous
Cap, Richard and Dick’s commanding officer in 2055 who sends them on this secret mission
Shaz, the British-born American tech billionaire whose wants to establish the first successful commercial space tourism company and who is also secretly stockpiling rogue nuclear warheads
Vlad, the Russian real estate/tech billionaire who also wants to establish the first successful commercial space tourism company and whom we find out has the rogue nuke in question
Plot/Structure: #3 Pursuit: Protag is in pursuit of the rogue nuke, rather than a particular person
1. OPENING – The year 2055: Richard, member of the special forces of the Space Force, also known as the “nuke troops,” leads a team of young troops on what turns out to be an exercise. He’s a stubborn, uptight, by-the-book kind of guy.
2. INCITING INCIDENT – As a trained nuke expert with knowledge of the future, Richard is sent back to 2028 to carry out his mission of locating a rogue nuke that is destined to start WW3 and disarming/destroying it.
3. BY PAGE 10 YOU KNOW WHAT THE MOVIE IS ABOUT – Richard tracking down the rogue nuke in the past.
4. END OF ACT 1 TURNING POINT – Richard discovers Dick (who is himself, but 3 years older, who was sent back to 2028 from the year 2058) is actually alive – not dead, as Richard’s CO expected – and they team up to track down the nuke, but Dick is resistant to helping.
5. MID POINT – Richard shows Dick that Shaz, a British-born American tech billionaire who is trying to establish a space tourism company, is actually stockpiling nukes, which leads Richard to believe Shaz has the rogue warhead. Dick finally agrees to help Richard.
6. END OF ACT 2 TURNING POINT – After tracking down the nuke to Russian billionaire Vlad and his bad guys, Dick is taken hostage (since Vlad doesn’t realize there are two of them, so he doesn’t pursue Richard).
7. CRISIS – Richard finally locates Dick, who confesses that in late 2055, his/their wife leaves them. Richard has to face the truth, that if he carries on as he is, he WILL lose his wife. His dilemma is to let go of his stubborn ways in order to become the man his wife needs him to be, right at the moment he’s engaged in the most high stakes military operation of his life, or to carry on in his ways and surely lose his wife. He finally decides to trust Dick and do things his way for a while and stop being so controlling.
8. CLIMAX – The Russian’s rocket launch with the nuke onboard. Richard, Dick & Shaz need to make sure the launch is sabotaged and recover the nuke. Vlad and his team are trying to ensure it goes off without a hitch.
9. RESOLUTION – Dick stays in the past and enjoys the life he’s built for himself. Richard goes back to his timeline and is able to save his marriage. The good guys win and the bad guys lose!
Character Arc:
Richard goes from a stubborn and rigid stickler who won’t let go of the past to a more accepting, go-with-the-flow kind of guy
– Part to be changed: his stubborn rigidity and inability to let go of the past
– Biggest fear: losing his wife
– Completion of arc: only by having learned the value (to both his personal life and his work as a cop) of being less uptight, more able to improvise from his partner (ie, another version of himself), he’s able to save his wife (as well as complete the mission and return to his timeline)
The Necessary Questions:
Dramatic Question: Will Richard be able to track down the rogue nuclear weapon and prevent it from ending up on the moon, which eventually starts WW3?
Main Conflict: Richard, the stubborn and by-the-book protag, has to team up with another version of himself who is an easygoing, lazy wildcard more interested in perfecting his tan than saving the world, to carry out the mission.
Dilemma: To stick to his tried-and-true way of doing things that have made him very effective but have also strained his marriage terribly, or try new ways of doing things but risk failing at the most important military operation he’s ever been faced with
Theme: Sometimes you have to let go and be more flexible to get what you want.
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Suya Lee’s Pass 2: Story Logic Web
Outlining & Your Character Structure Day 8
“What I learned doing this assignment is…?”
I keep having breakthroughs. Maybe mini-breakthroughs, but breakthroughs none the less. Almost daily. Not just 2 or 3 for the course. From this PS80 and the Action modules. I have already revised this story from the first day. This is a completely new story I am working on. Hence, I keep thinking about it day and night – How to improve it, How to make it more entertaining/ interesting/ exciting/ etc., more twists, more reversals, etc.
BEFORE:
Concept: When a group of old timers at a veteran’s retirement home win the mega lottery, they buy an old cruise ship to sail around the world with their extended families, but pirates attack their ship in South-East Asia and the veterans must face the last battle of their lives to save their families.
Lead Characters:
Old time veterans:
None of them are captains, because they make many mistakes (along with dementia). They group their intel together & fight off the pirates. All are single, since they lost their loved ones. Some may fall in love with a crew member, other veteran’s extended family members, etc.
#1.My protagonist is Harry Ford, male, Caucasian American, retired navy, has slight dementia.
#2.My protagonist is Melvin Freeman, male, African American, retired air force, is hard of hearing.
#3.My protagonist is Eddy Olmos, female, Latin American, retired army, lost an arm.
#4.My protagonist is Lucia Lu, female, Asian American, retired army, lost a leg, wears a prosthetic leg, sometimes uses crutches.
Pirates in South-East Asia:
#1.My antagonist is Kai (male) who controls/runs Pirate Boat #1 & its crew.
#2.My antagonist is Rak (male) who controls/runs Pirate Boat #2 & its crew.
Plot/Structure: (Tell us the Plot number and type. Then give us the 9 beats of your structure.)
#5. Escape:
Your hero is confined against his will (often unjustly) and wants to escape. In this case, the hero is the victim. The natural progression: imprisonment, initial attempts to escape fail, new plan is made that is also thwarted, and finally, the actual escape.9-Beat Structure:
1. Opening: The group of four old timers at the veterans retirement gather in front of the TV, watch the mega lottery draw. Some old timers (with spouses) return from a wonderful cruise (with their extended families), and say they can’t wait until the next time cruise – they feel young, revigorated, full of life. The group of four win the mega lottery that night.2. Inciting Incident: They buy an old, second-hand small cruise ship (99 passengers cruise ship). It was going off to India to be sold as scrap metal (it’s the graveyard for delisted ships). Although they won the mega lottery, they are still cautious with their money. Note: When the Veterans buy the cruise ship, it doesn’t have an armoury with guns and ammunition.
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: They call their extended families to invite them on a trip of a lifetime, an around the world cruise.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1: The four Veterans and their extended families are cruising out of Hawaii. But, one of the cruise ship crew members calls the Pirates in the South-East Asia area about their cruise ship and saying they should kidnap these old timers for easy ransom money. There are two boats, with 5 Pirates each. There is a Pirate leader for each of the boats. The Pirates pretend to seek refuge on the cruise ship. The Veterans and their families welcome and take care of the Pirates. Some of the Veterans and families are swimming nearby. Then, the Pirates turn the tables and bring out their guns, kidnap the grandchildren, demand money. They break the ship’s radio so the Veterans can’t call for help. A fight ensues, but the Veterans give up. During the fight, the Pirates had shot everywhere on the ship, and it starts to sink (although, no one knows it just yet). Agree to give the Pirates the ransom money. But, the internet gets disabled by one of the Veterans.
5. Mid-Point: One of the Pirates is trying to fix the internet at the top of the ship. Families hide in various rooms since they know the layout of the ship. A mini-fire breaks out in the engine room, due to a stray bullet. Some of the Pirates and Family members (not children) get injured, some die. One of the Family members is a doctor, and takes care of the injured. The Pirates’ two boats had been sabotaged. They can’t figure out how to release the ship’s tender boats to the water. The Pirates find out that the Veterans had won the mega lottery, so demand all of the money now.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: The Veterans overhear that one of the young Pirates is the son of one the Pirate leader’s. The Veterans kidnap the son. The Veterans want their grandchildren back, and for the Pirates to leave. The Veterans say they know how to release the ship’s tender boats. The Pirates call for back-up. One of the crew members overhears the Pirates say they are going to kill everyone on the ship. Another boat comes with more Pirates. But, they fight amongst themselves. Two groups against one group. The two groups want the money. While the one group wants the Pirate’s leader’s son back. More fighting, more bullets go into the ship, more damage to the ship. One Veteran gets one of the Pirate’s radios.
7. Crisis: A blast in the engine room. A fire engulfs the ship. They all fight as the ship is sinking. Fight in submerged water. The Veterans use shark spears, bowling balls, knives, flare guns, fire extinguishers, etc. (whatever is on the ship) to fight the Pirates. The Pirate on top of the ship has fixed the internet. One of the Veterans gets blackmailed, and tries to transfer the money.
8. Climax: During the last final fight between the Veterans and the Pirates, the Veterans trap the Pirates in various rooms. They know which rooms have locks on the outside. The Pirates run out of ammunition. The ship sinks with the Pirates still onboard in trapped rooms. They drown.
9. Resolution: Veterans and families get on the tender boats. One Veteran still had the Pirate’s radio and calls for help. A local fishing boat gets the call, and sends the alarm.
Character Arc:
THE CHARACTER ARC QUESTION
The 4 Veterans are stuck, depressed, at a veterans’ retirement home, without any money, then they live their real-purpose-life when they have to save their families from the Pirates.
Part to be changed: All four Veterans are depressed, lost their spouses, all fought in losing wars. Biggest fear: Never seeing victory, and their families don’t visit because they are poor, too.
Completion of arc: They save their families from the Pirates on the cruise ship.
Main Conflict: Pirates take control of the cruise ship, kidnap the grandchildren and demand all of the Veterans’ mega lottery winnings.
Dramatic Question: Can the old-time Veterans stop the Pirates and save their families?
Dilemma: Veterans can’t fight back, and find out the Pirates will blow up the ship anyway.
Theme: Sacrifice everything for the love of their families.
3. DISCOVERIES and IMPROVEMENTS:
Start off with the 4 Veterans at their lowest point. Start with a funeral, one of the spouses of the 4 Veterans dies. That Veteran wants to die by suicide now. Nothing to live for. Now, all 4 Veterans are widowed. The 4 Veterans don’t start off being good at anything. Previously they enjoyed the sports activities, and were aces at their respective sports. The sports and recreation activities at the veterans’ retirement home cost extra now. They are poor, do chores around the retirement home for extra cash.
They take care of the animals on the country retirement home (for free). They entertain other veterans’ grandchildren with the animals, such as milking the cows, picking up eggs like an egg hunt, etc. They help older veterans do things. They polish the war memorial cabinet display’s items, such as war medal, plaques, photos, etc.
Their extended families can’t visit since they live far away, and can’t afford it. They see other veterans’ extended families come visit, especially at dinnertime. They skype, zoom Facetime, etc. their own extended families, but keep it short since Internet costs extra.
To make it worse for them, a new administration at the veterans’ retirement kicks them out due to veterans needing to partially pay for their stay, no longer fully subsidized. That night, they watch the mega lottery draw on TV. So when they win, it’s a nice reversal, especially as they pick up their belongings tossed on the road, and go back to their bedrooms.
Each Veteran will have their own unique flashback to their own war that they fought in when they fight the Pirates on the cruise ship.
AFTER:
Concept: When a group of old timers at a veteran’s retirement home win the mega lottery, they buy an old cruise ship to sail around the world with their extended families, but pirates attack their ship in South-East Asia and the veterans must face the last battle of their lives to save their families.
Lead Characters:
Old-time Veterans:
None of them are captains, because they make many mistakes (along with dementia). They group their intel together & fight off the Pirates. All are single, since they lost their loved ones. Some may fall in love with a crew member, other veteran’s extended family members, etc.
Revised to 2 males and 2 females, from 3 males and 1 female.
#1.My protagonist is Harry Ford, male, Caucasian American, retired navy, has slight dementia.#2.My protagonist is Melvin Freeman, male, African American, retired air force, is hard of hearing.
#3.My protagonist is Mandy Rodriguez, female, Latin American, retired army, lost an arm.
#4.My protagonist is Lucia Lu, female, Asian American, retired army, lost a leg, wears a prosthetic leg, sometimes uses crutches.
Pirates in South-East Asia:
#1.My antagonist is Kai (male) who controls/runs Pirate Boat #1 & its crew. His son is one of the younger pirates.
#2.My antagonist is Rak (male) who controls/runs Pirate Boat #2 & its crew.Plot/Structure: (Tell us the Plot number and type. Then give us the 9 beats of your structure.)
#5. Escape:
Your hero is confined against his will (often unjustly) and wants to escape. In this case, the hero is the victim. The natural progression: imprisonment, initial attempts to escape fail, new plan is made that is also thwarted, and finally, the actual escapeCharacter Arc:
THE CHARACTER ARC QUESTION
The 4 Veterans are stuck, depressed, at a veterans’ retirement home, without any money, then they live their real-purpose-life when they have to save their families from the Pirates.
Part to be changed: All four Veterans are depressed, lost their spouses, all fought in losing wars. They feel like second-class citizens not only in their own retirement home, but in their own country.
Biggest fear: Never seeing victory, never feeling worthy enough, forgotten by their Veterans Association, forgotten by their own country, and their families don’t visit because they are poor, too.
Completion of arc: They become brave, have a purpose in life, and want to live, again, if at least to save their families from the Pirates on the cruise ship.
Main Conflict: Pirates take control of the cruise ship, kidnap the grandchildren and demand all of the Veterans’ mega lottery winnings.
Dramatic Question: Can the old-time Veterans stop the Pirates and save their families?
Dilemma: Veterans can’t fight back, and find out the Pirates will blow up the ship anyway.
Theme: Sacrifice everything for the love of their families.
3. Structure:
9-Beat Structure:
1. Opening: The 4 Veterans attend a military funeral, along with other Veterans from the retirement home. Melvin’s military wife died. He wants to join her.On the veterans’ retirement – the 4 Veterans are poor, do chores around the retirement home for extra cash. They help older veterans do things. They polish the war memorial cabinet display’s items, such as war medal, plaques, photos, etc. Take care of the animals on the country retirement home (for free). They entertain other veterans’ grandchildren with the animals, such as milking the cows, picking up eggs like an egg hunt, etc. Others enjoy the good life.
Their extended families can’t visit since they live far away, and can’t afford it. They see other veterans’ extended families come visit, especially at dinnertime. They skype, zoom Facetime, etc. their own extended families, but keep it short since Internet costs extra.
In Hawaii, a small cruise ship, Coral Tranquillity, is docked. Being decommissioned. Remove armoury in the security room and on the bridge. One crew member, Crew X, gets fired by a phone call in the crew bedroom. Crew X makes a phone call. Face hidden. Another crew member, Crew Z, welds a panel back, appears to fix a hole. Has a welding mask on. Many empty water proof bags nearby.
In a poor seaside village in South-East Asia. Pirate posing as people smugglers gather Refugees to sail to Australia.
A new administration team at the veterans’ retirement kicks the 4 Veterans out, due to veterans needing to partially pay for their stay, no longer fully subsidized. Toss out their belongings onto the country dirt road.
2. Inciting Incident: That night, the 4 Veterans gather in front of the TV, watch the mega lottery draw. Win! A nice reversal, especially as they pick up their belongings tossed on the road, and go back to their bedrooms.
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: They win, call their extended families to invite them on a trip of a lifetime, an around the world cruise. It’s summer, so most can go.
Some old timers (with spouses) return from a wonderful cruise (with their extended families), and say they can’t wait until the next time cruise – they feel young, revigorated, full of life.
The 4 Veterans get their photo taken with the big mega lottery cheque. They go online and buy an old, second-hand small cruise ship (99 passengers cruise ship), Coral Tranquillity. It was going off to India to be sold as scrap metal (it’s the graveyard for delisted ships). Although they won the mega lottery, they are still cautious with their money.
All families arrive, embark. Depart Hawaii. Families check out the entire cruise ship. The cruise ship has many problems, this and that malfunctions on the cruise ship. Everyone helps fix the ship as they sail. Including the crew. Families and crew get along, become friends, including Crew X and Crew Z (we don’t know their faces, yet).
Somewhere between Hawaii and The Philippines, they anchor nearby an uninhabited island. Crew X makes another phone call. Face hidden.
Two Veterans and Families enjoy a day at the lagoon. They have 4 jet skis and pull floating dinghies. Others stay behind to fix the cruise ship.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1: Veterans spot 2 boats waving for help.
Pirates and Families of Refugees board the cruise ship. On each boat, 4 Pirates and several Refugees. There is a Pirate leader for each of the boats. Pirates pretend to seek refuge on the cruise ship. Veterans and their Families welcome and take care of them. Offer food and drinks. All the younger Pirates drink hard lemonade, get tipsy.
The hijack begins. Pirates turn the tables and bring out their guns, demand ransom money, to be transferred on their laptop. They break the ship’s radio so the Veterans can’t call for help. One Pirate and his crew go down below. A fight ensues between one Pirate and his crew and the Veterans and Families, but the Veterans and Families give up. Refugee Families huddle with the Veterans and their Families.
Down below, Crew Z, un-welds the panel that was welded before. Takes out bricks of duck-taped cocaine. Puts them into the water proof bags. Pirate and his crew enter, and take the bags.
During the fight, the Pirates had shot everywhere on the ship, and it starts to sink (although, no one knows it just yet).
One Veteran says there isn’t any money left since all the money went into buying the cruise ship. That Veteran agrees to give the Pirates the meagre ransom money, when a gun is pointed at a grandchild’s head. But, the bank details are in a suitcase in the luggage holding area, down below. The internet gets disabled by another Veteran across the cruise ship (on a tower). Ransom transfer gets disconnected. Lights out.
A crew member says there are more people at the lagoon. The gun shots alert the Veterans and Families in the lagoon. They go back on the 4 jet skis and floating dinghies. Half-way they get intercepted by one of the Pirate boats. A cat and mouse chase ensues. One Veteran uses a shark spear to damage the Pirate’s boat’s engine. A Pirate shoots a male Family’s calf. The 2 Veterans and Families give up. The Pirate’s boat is pulled back by 2 jet skis.
5. Mid-Point: A fight in the luggage holding area between the Pirates and the Veteran and some Family members. Shots are fired. Bullets hit inside the ship. Pirates gather the grandchildren as ransom.
When the blackout occurs, Families hide in various rooms since they know the layout of the ship. One of the Pirates is trying to fix the internet at the top of the ship. A fire breaks out in the engine room, due to a stray bullet. Some of the Pirates, Family members, and Refugees (not children) get injured, some Family members and Refugees die. One of the Family members is a doctor, takes care of the injured. Pirates load the waterproof bags onto the one good Pirate boat, and force one Refugee Family in.
Crew X identifies himself, and wants to go to Australia. He gets inside the boat. Pirates tell Crew Z to get inside the boat. She doesn’t want to go to Australia, she wants to go back to Thailand. A fight breaks out as the other Refugee Families wants to go to Australia, they paid good money.
Chaos. As everyone wants to get on the remaining Pirate boat.
The Pirates’ other boat gets sabotaged by a Veteran. Pirates can’t figure out how to release the ship’s tender boats into the water. Pirates find out that the Veterans had won the mega lottery (via a photo of them winning), so demand all of the money now.
Veterans overhear that one of the young Pirates is the son of one the Pirate leader’s. Veterans kidnap the son. The Veterans want their grandchildren back, and for the Pirates to leave. Veterans say they know how to release the ship’s tender boats
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: The Pirates call for back-up on their radio. One of the crew members overhears the Pirates say they are going to kill everyone on the ship. Another boat comes with more Pirates. But, they fight amongst themselves.
Two Pirate groups against one Pirate group. The two groups want the mega lottery money. While the one group wants the Pirate’s leader’s son back. More fighting, more bullets go into the ship, more damage to the ship. One Veteran gets one of the Pirate’s radios. Ships starts sinking more.
7. Crisis: A blast in the engine room. A fire engulfs the ship. They all fight as the ship is sinking. Fight in submerged water. Veterans use shark spears, bowling balls, knives, flare guns, fire extinguishers, etc. (whatever is on the ship) to fight the Pirates. The Pirate on top of the ship has fixed the internet. One Veteran dies protecting a Refugee Family. One of the Veterans gets blackmailed, and tries to transfer the mega lottery money.
8. Climax: During the last final fight between the Veterans and the Pirates, Veterans go to rescue the grandchildren in the crew bunk bedroom. But, no children, no Pirates guarding them. Veterans search for the grandchildren. Finds them. One Veteran dies protecting the grandchildren. Two Veterans trap the Pirates in various rooms. They know which rooms have locks on the outside. Pirates run out of ammunition. The ship sinks with the Pirates still onboard in trapped rooms. They drown.
9. Resolution: Veterans, Families and Refugees get on the tender boats. One Veteran still has the Pirate’s radio and calls for help. A local fishing boat gets the call, and sends the alarm.
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[PS80] Jodi’s Pass 2: Story Logic Web – Day 8
1. What I learned is by first isolating a specific story logic component it could help me see that other parts of the logic web could also be shifted and rewritten as well. I know right now I am in the category as not being able to be as objective as possible as I only made minor changes at this point. I do hope I can learn how to have a better handle on using the story logic web more objectively. I am definitely trying to keep this tool in the forefront of my mind.
2. BEFORE:
CONCEPT: TIMELY: Texas creates bounty hunters and vigilantism against any woman who chooses to have an abortion, along with the nightmare this creates for anyone trying to help a pregnant woman it also creates a nightmare for the Governor as he learns his Daughter has been raped and was impregnated. The Governor begins to learn firsthand how this law tragically impacts his family’s lives, his future leadership position and thousands of pregnant women he has failed.
Lead Characters: Pamela Wells, Governor Chad Babbitt, Chloe Carter
PLOT/STRUCTURE: #16. Sacrifice – Belonging to a very conservative family, a crime scene investigator fights the system that created the bounty hunting abortion ban having witnessed first hand the devastation this horrific unconstitutional law has created.
OPENING SCENE: A young teen finds out she is pregnant and is overwhelmed and scared.
INCITING INCIDENT: Right to Life members follow her too close on the road and accidentally cause her to car to flip over continually, killing her.
By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Pam decides the only way to fight this attack on women is from the top.
First turning point at end of Act 1: Pam teams up with women from all over the state to organize a plan to take on the Governorship.
Mid-Point: Pam’s family starts to shun her. She’s given an ultimatum to give up her endeavor or give up her family. She must choose.
Second turning point at end of Act 2: Under-funded, slandered and falsely accused, Pam feels the odds are against her and her Pastor Father will be exposed as a draft dodger if she doesn’t quit.
Crisis: Pam is torn between helping her Dad and choosing to fight for all women’s freedom of choice.
Climax: She finds out about the Governor’s wife having an abortion in her younger years and uses that information to shut him down from exposing her Father. Her Father tries to reach her.
Resolution: Pam wins the election by a landslide with most female voters and many male supporters as well. With great words of conviction Pam powerfully tells the voters that the first line of business will be to abolish the ‘heartbeat’ ban. Her family has accepted her point of view. The beaten Governor takes his Daughter to a reproductive clinic while the Right to Life stalkers are lying in wait.
PROTAGONIST CHARACTER ARC: Pam has been raised family-first and follow every law obediently. She realizes she must go against both ways of life to do what is right for all women’s freedom of choice.
Part to be changed: Pam is loyal to family and a law abiding citizen.
Biggest fear: To be disowned by her conservative family
Completion of arc: She decides she’s better off alone and fighting for what’s right, against all odds.
MAIN CONFLICT: Is between Pam and the Governor. Pam, the lead investigator of a hit and run has to deal with deep budget cuts as they have been redirected to state programs for new Mothers and their state dictated newborns below the poverty line. The deepening deficit of Texas with newly created orphanages and institutions with an already overburdened budget brings Pam to the conclusion that the only way she can help women is to regain their constitutional rights that were stripped away with the new ban on abortion, SB 8 by running for the Governorship.
DRAMATIC QUESTION: Can Pam win the Governorship and overturn the TX law SB8? Will her family disown her?
DILEMMA: Having a very conservative pro-life family Pam sees first hand the devastation the new law causes but runs the risk on being disowned by her family by choosing to challenge the Governor for his position, specifically for the purpose of getting back the rights of women to have control over their own bodies; their constitutional right.
THEME: You are free to have your civil rights and what you hold dear and important, and I as a woman, I am free to have mine.
3. ISOLATING COMPONENT:
THEME: Don’t tread on me
CONCEPT: Adjusted the concept a bit
4. DISCOVERIES and IMPROVEMENTS:
THEME: I worked on my theme to be more targeted.
CONCEPT: I decided the Governor’s Daughter getting pregnant would not be a main part of the story, I’d like to focus the story more on Pam and Chloe’s journey, with the Governor’s Daughter a closing thought at the end. I’d also like to incorporate more of the bounty hunters actions and their tracking website in this.
PLOT #16 Sacrifice-remains as I think Pam has two strong problems which creates a huge dilemma for her.
CHARACTER ARC: is the same.
MAIN CONFLICT: is the same but I edited it down a bit.
5. AFTER:
Concept: TIMELY: Texas creates bounty hunters and vigilantism against any woman who chooses to have an abortion, along with the nightmare this creates for anyone trying to help a pregnant woman. This law tragically impacts family’s lives, future leadership roles and thousands of pregnant women and children that have been failed.
Lead Characters: same
PLOT/STRUCTURE: #16. Sacrifice – Belonging to a very conservative family, a forensic investigator fights the system that created the bounty hunting abortion ban but will probably lose her family ties in the process.
OPENING SCENE: A young teen finds out she is pregnant and is overwhelmed and scared.
INCITING INCIDENT: Right to Life members follow her too close on the road and accidentally cause her to car to flip over continually, killing her.
By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Pam decides the only way to fight this attack on women is from the top.
First turning point at end of Act 1: Pam teams up with women from all over the state to organize a plan to take on the Governorship.
Mid-Point: Pam’s family starts to shun her. She’s given an ultimatum to give up her endeavor or give up her family. She must choose.
Second turning point at end of Act 2: Under-funded, slandered and falsely accused, Pam feels the odds are against her and her Pastor Father will be exposed as a draft dodger if she doesn’t quit.
Crisis: Pam is torn between helping her Dad and choosing to fight for all women’s freedom of choice.
Climax: She finds out about the Governor’s wife having an abortion in her younger years and uses that information to shut him down from exposing her Father. Her Father tries to reach her.
Resolution: Pam wins the election by a landslide with most female voters and many male supporters as well. Pam tells the voters that the first line of business will be to abolish the ‘heartbeat’ ban. Her family has accepted her knowing how important her point of view is to her. The beaten Governor takes his Daughter to a reproductive clinic while the Right to Life stalkers are lying in wait.
Character Arc: Pam has been raised ‘family-first’ and follow every law obediently. She realizes she might have to go against both ways of life to do what is right for all women’s freedom of choice.
Part to be changed: Pam is loyal to family and is a law-abiding citizen.
Biggest fear: To be disowned by her conservative family, and Father in particular.
Completion of arc: She decides she’s better off alone and fighting for what’s right, even if unlawful.
Main Conflict, Dramatic Question, Dilemma:
MAIN CONFLICT: Pam must find a way to change the SB8 law that has boldly stripped women of their constitutional right. With deep budget cuts in many state funded programs and millions of new families living below the poverty line needing monthly financial help, along with the deepening deficit, Pam decides that the only way she can help the women of the state is to run for the Governorship and abolish the law.DRAMATIC QUESTION: Can Pam win the Governorship and overturn the TX law SB8? Will her family disown her?
DILEMMA: Having a very conservative pro-life family Pam sees first hand the devastation the new law causes but runs the risk on being disowned by her family by choosing to challenge the conservative Governor for his position, specifically for the purpose of getting back the rights of women to have control over their own bodies; their constitutional right.
Theme: Don’t tread on me. America is not a dictatorship…yet.
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Jennifer’s Pass 2: Story Logic Web
1. What I learned doing this assignment is every pass through an outline is worth doing and reveals potential areas for improvement and additional layers to make the story more powerful. Being this focused was particularly useful because it helped me recognize what had felt off about the outline previously. But there is more work to be done, and I’m looking forward to the next few passes.
2. BEFORE:
Concept:
A high school overachiever will do literally anything on her quest to beat her rival and win a prestigious award guaranteed to get her into her dream college — even commit murder.
Lead Characters:
Jessica is a Southern belle nightmare of a “perfect dream girl” high school senior who has always been focused on winning at any cost.
Ethan is a nerdy math geek from a nearby high school who rivals Jessica academically and secretly has a crush on her.
Amanda is a sharp-as-a-tack fellow senior with no patience for nonsense and Jessica’s main academic rival at their Southern high school.
Sarah Collins is a shrewd high school teacher at the students’ high school who runs the statewide scholarship competition that Jessica and the others will be competing for.
Plot/Structure: (Tell us the Plot number and type. Then give us the 9 beats of your structure.)
8. RIVALRY
OPENING:
Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan compete in the nationally renowned Young Philosophers Think-off, debating heatedly and showing they are not your average high school kids until the judges declare Amanda the winner, which she accepts with a smug grin. Jessica is crushed.
INCITING INCIDENT:
A prestigious new scholarship competition for one lucky junior is announced guaranteeing not just admission, but a full four-year ride to Chambers; the focus is on personal service/sacrifice. Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan are the clear frontrunners. How can Jessica set herself apart by looking the part of a good citizen?
BY PAGE 10:
We know that Jessica is on a mission to win at the competition and life in general at all costs. (We just don’t know which costs that entails yet.) She has her father as an ally.
FIRST TURNING PT AT END OF ACT 1:
The first phase of the scholarship competition requires applicants to complete a service project (TBC – to be confirmed). During Jessica’s project, she literally forces someone out of the way whom she’s technically there to help and helps eliminate one of her competitors via a technicality in an underhanded way (TBC) — just to make herself look better to the judges.
MIDPOINT:
Semifinalists in scholarship are announced. Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan are on the short list. Jessica shows she’s willing to do whatever it takes while battling out another academic competition with Amanda and Ethan to prove her superiority but pulls back before crushing the competition. Amanda and Ethan are starting to team up to fight her despite finding each other repulsive otherwise.
SECOND TURNING PT AT END OF ACT 2:
After “helping” another competitor get disqualified for the competition, Jessica realizes that just beating or eliminating her opponents isn’t actually making her look good in the eyes of the scholarship committee. She has to take drastic action and starts plotting to eliminate the competition in a bigger way while looking far more decent than she technically is. Step 1: Engage Amanda and Ethan as friends in hopes it will reflect well on her. Right now Amanda and Ethan are still ahead as if the judges can smell that they’re better humans.
CRISIS:
Jessica has steadily been “helping” other competitors get disqualified in funny, torturous ways that she takes secret pride in. Now all other students besides Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan have been eliminated from the competition. As the final days of the competition near, Jessica is more committed to winning than ever but feels it’s her darkest day because she can’t measure up to Amanda or Ethan. Jessica wracks her brain and comes up with a way that she thinks she can disqualify Ethan, though she knows she might not have the nerve to follow through. But that will still leave Amanda.
CLIMAX:
Jessica is on a mission to win now at all costs. First task: eliminate Ethan. But Ethan is on to her now, and he realizes what Jessica is willing to do and tries to warn Amanda. Jessica catches on and finds a way to act — not hesitate — and truly eliminate Ethan forever, killing him before he can get to Amanda in a way she won’t get caught. She then has an argument with Amanda at a park, where Amanda loses her balance and slips off the side of the cliff. Jessica could help her in the moment but lets Amanda fall.
RESOLUTION:
Jessica attends both rivals’ funerals and says cryptic things revealing her role in their deaths that no one recognizes. Jessica wins the competition and rules the school. Jessica gives a speech talking about all the service and sacrifice it took to get where she is and how taking action is critical to success. “Always be the best, and forget about the rest.” We notice another younger student, a sophomore with a gleam in her eye, who’s been there all along looking on and wanting to follow in Jessica’s footsteps.
Character Arc:
Part to be changed: Jessica wants to win, but is forever afraid to go for it, often hesitates at the last minute and comes in second
Biggest fear: Losing/not being outstanding and first, losing control
Completion of arc: Jessica goes for it and ends up doing literally everything it takes to win (and succeeds)
Main Conflict:
Jessica, the overachiever vs. her academic rival from another school, Ethan, who is a fellow overachiever type and is also up for the scholarship. Both want to win the scholarship, and both are willing to work hard to make it happen, but the rivalry with Ethan will push Jessica harder to force the win, while Ethan will provide a moral core as he tries to keep their competitiveness on a normal level and not the extremes he grudgingly begins to think Jessica is willing to go to. [NOTE: Before I wrote the outline, I realized that Amanda is the best rival for Jessica rather than Ethan and wrote the plot details with Amanda as the biggest opponent.]
DQ: How far will Jessica go to win the scholarship (and at life), and will she win?
Dilemma:
Win and lose all her friends and loved ones for life, or lose and destroy her chances of success but keep her loved ones close
Theme:
Does winning at all costs actually pay off?
3. DISCOVERIES and IMPROVEMENTS:
I think the basic elements of the story work together. But right now I find the events in the story themselves to be too mundane, so I need to brainstorm each individual way in which Jessica attempts to one-up her competitors to show her brokenness and lack of service in a funny, glib way. The Southern setting needs to be exaggerated for humor.
I also need to find the “heart” in this tale so that audiences aren’t left cold … or perhaps I need to find some special hook/humor like in American Psycho that means the audience never sympathizes but does find the story hilariously telling from start to finish. Perhaps the teacher running the scholarship competition, Ms. Collins, should play more prominently as a moral center?
I also am seeing how hard it is to imply satire in a straightforward outline format, which is complicating this (because things that will be over-the-top obviously funny in the script seem flat written this way).
As I started working out the plot in a more detailed way, it became clear that Amanda needs to be Jessica’s biggest rival, with Ethan a definite second. (But Amanda is more parallel and a better foil, which will lead to more humor along the way.)
The stakes need to be super high for Jessica. Perhaps her parents harass her for not succeeding?
4. AFTER:
Concept:
A Southern high school overachiever will do literally anything on her quest to beat her rival and win a prestigious award guaranteed to get her into her dream college — even commit murder.
Lead Characters:
Jessica is a Southern belle nightmare of a “perfect dream girl” high school senior who has always been focused on winning at any cost.
Ethan is a nerdy math geek from a nearby high school who rivals Jessica academically and secretly has a crush on her.
Amanda is a sharp-as-a-tack fellow senior with no patience for nonsense and Jessica’s main academic rival at their Southern high school.
Sarah Collins is a shrewd high school teacher at the students’ high school who runs the statewide scholarship competition that Jessica and the others will be competing for.
Plot/Structure: (Tell us the Plot number and type. Then give us the 9 beats of your structure.)
8. RIVALRY
OPENING:
Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan compete in the nationally renowned Young Philosophers Think-off, debating heatedly and showing they are not your average high school kids until the judges declare Amanda the winner, which she accepts with a smug grin. Jessica is crushed.
INCITING INCIDENT:
A prestigious new scholarship competition for one lucky junior is announced guaranteeing not just admission, but a full four-year ride to Chambers U, the Harvard of the South; the focus is on personal service/sacrifice. Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan are the clear frontrunners. How can Jessica set herself apart by looking the part of a good citizen? Ms. Collins is visibly skeptical of Jessica when she announces the scholarship to Jessica’s class.
BY PAGE 10:
We know that Jessica is on a mission to win at the competition and life in general at all costs. (We just don’t know which costs that entails yet.) She has her father as an ally, and her mother expects her to win with ease no matter what.
FIRST TURNING PT AT END OF ACT 1:
The first phase of the scholarship competition requires applicants to complete a service project (TBC). During Jessica’s project, she literally forces someone out of the way whom she’s technically there to help and helps eliminate one of her competitors via a technicality in an underhanded way (TBC) — just to make herself look better to the judges. Amanda does well. Ethan does OK. Ms. Collins sees through Jessica, whose mother is equally critical of seeing Jessica look like she’s trying hard. (“You never see a Southern woman sweat.”)
MIDPOINT:
Semifinalists in scholarship are announced. Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan are on the short list. Jessica shows she’s willing to do whatever it takes while battling out another academic competition with Amanda and Ethan to prove her superiority but pulls back before crushing the competition. Amanda and Ethan are starting to team up to fight her despite finding each other repulsive otherwise.
SECOND TURNING PT AT END OF ACT 2:
After “helping” another competitor get disqualified for the competition, Jessica realizes that just beating or eliminating her opponents isn’t actually making her look good in the eyes of the scholarship committee, especially Ms. Collins. She has to take drastic action and starts concocting a complex plan to eliminate the competition in a bigger way while looking far more decent than she technically is. Step 1: Citywide charity project TBC. Step 2: Engage Amanda and Ethan as friends in hopes it will reflect well on her. Right now Amanda and Ethan are still ahead as if the judges can smell that they’re better humans.
CRISIS:
Jessica has steadily been “helping” other competitors get disqualified in funny, torturous ways that she takes secret pride in. Now all other students besides Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan have been eliminated from the competition. But the TBC charity project Jessica is leading is failing miserably. As the final days of the competition near, Jessica is more committed to winning than ever but feels it’s her darkest day because she can’t measure up to Amanda or Ethan, and Ms. Collins reprimands Jessica for unsportsmanlike behavior. Jessica’s mother hints that playing dirty sometimes helps. Jessica wracks her brain and comes up with a way that she thinks she can disqualify Ethan, though she knows she might not have the nerve to follow through. But that will still leave Amanda.
CLIMAX:
Jessica is on a mission to win now at all costs. First task: eliminate Ethan. But Ethan is on to her now, and he realizes what Jessica is willing to do and tries to warn Amanda. Jessica catches on and finds a way to act — not hesitate in the moment — and truly eliminate Ethan forever, killing him before he can get to Amanda in a way she won’t get caught. She then has an argument with Amanda at a park, where Amanda loses her balance and slips off the side of the cliff. Jessica could help her in the moment but lets Amanda fall.
RESOLUTION:
Jessica attends both rivals’ funerals with her mother and says cryptic things revealing her role in their deaths that no one recognizes. Jessica wins the competition and rules the school. Jessica gives a speech talking about all the service and sacrifice it took to get where she is and how taking action is critical to success. “Always be the best, and forget about the rest.” Ms. Collins approaches Jessica to congratulate her on her win/speech but whispers that Jessica will always know she didn’t have a fighting chance without the death of the other two (Jessica’s response TBC). We notice another younger student, a sophomore with a gleam in her eye, who’s been there all along looking on and wanting to follow in Jessica’s footsteps. Jessica walks away arm in arm with her mother.
Character Arc:
[Some of this may need to change, but I’m not clear on how yet so everything below this point is the same as above other than Main Conflict, which I updated to avoid confusion]
Part to be changed: Jessica wants to win, but is forever afraid to go for it, often hesitates at the last minute and comes in second
Biggest fear: Losing/not being outstanding and first, losing control
Completion of arc: Jessica goes for it and ends up doing literally everything it takes to win (and succeeds)
Main Conflict:
Jessica, the overachiever vs. her academic rival Amanda, who is a fellow overachiever type and is also up for the scholarship. Both want to win the scholarship, and both are willing to work hard to make it happen, but the rivalry with Amanda will push Jessica harder to force the win, while Amanda will provide one moral core as she tries to keep their competitiveness on a normal level and not the extremes she grudgingly begins to think Jessica is willing to go to.
DQ: How far will Jessica go to win the scholarship (and at life), and will she win?
Dilemma:
Win and lose all her friends and loved ones for life, or lose and destroy her chances of success but keep her loved ones close
Theme:
Does winning at all costs actually pay off?
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