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Day 11 Assignment
Post your Day 11 assignment here.
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This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by
Dimitri Davis.
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This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by
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6 Replies
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He killed his father, and stole another man’s wife. Should a cop be doing that?
I just completed a script in the style of Film Noir that I would like to submit to you for consideration. FYI…I had one script produced and two others optioned.
Here is the logline.
An off- duty policeman is handed a letter from his deceased mother, by a sister he never knew existed. When he decides to find out the identity of his real father, he uncovers a political scandal from 35 years ago, involving both his parents.
Here’s a brief recap of “Rhapsody In Blue”:
Detective Richie Holiday gets a letter from his unknown birth mother, delivered by a sister he never knew existed. Same mother, different fathers. A simple search for his father turns out to be much more, as bodies start piling up when he gets close to the truth.
As a member of the highway commission, his mother was a party girl, with a lust for good times. His father, it seems, had to be a member of that same commission.
Layer after layer of evidence points to a political scandal from years ago. Evidence was found that can’t be used in court, and Richie determines there’s only one way to bring this group to justice.
His own home life gets complicated as he takes in his homeless sister, and has an affair with his married partner.
Please let me know if you’d be interested in reading, “Rhapsody In Blue.”
Frank Livorsi
847-366-0032
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Larry Ridlen’s Critique or Frank Livorsi’s Rhapsody in Blue:
Hey Frank!
I am by no means an expert in this, but I tried to read it as a producer and made changes accordingly. I explained the WHY in (parenthesis) as I went along, and put a full edited version at the bottom. Take it for what’s it worth.
He killed his father, and stole another man’s wife. Should a cop be doing that? (Comment: I felt this was excellent. Right to the point. Indeed, an intriguing hook! In fact, your hook is SO strong, I’m not even sure you need the Logline, at least for query purposes, as you explain the bulk of it in the first paragraph of your synopsis. I removed it in my rewrite at the bottom, but did a TINY bit of editing a few lines down from here)
I just completed a script in the style of Film Noir that I would like to submit to you for consideration. FYI…I had one script produced and two others optioned. (Comment: Impressive! You are a produced screenwriter. Got my attention right away. Suggestions: Leave out “I just completed a script in the style of Film Noir that I would like to submit to you for consideration. FYI…” keep in mind: they know you are submitting for their consideration. Make it less wordy. Just say “Genre: Film Noir”
“Bio: Frank is a produced screenwriter with two other scripts optioned.”
Here is the logline.
An off- duty policeman is handed a letter from his deceased mother, by a sister he never knew existed. When he decides to find out the identity of his real father, he uncovers a political scandal from 35 years ago, involving both his parents.
(Question: how important is it that he is “off-duty”? Or that his unknown sister gave it to him? Don’t get me wrong. You know your story. If it’s important, fine. I’m just trying to make it a bit shorter. And, hey… my logline was so long and detail oriented, I decided to remove it for the purpose of query letters, at least for this assignment, because it hindered the flow.)
Logline: A cop gets a letter from his deceased mother, revealing the identity of his real father. Searching for him, he uncovers an old political scandal involving both his parents.
Here’s a brief recap of “Rhapsody In Blue”: (Comment: when I see the word “recap” it makes me think what I am about to see will refresh my memory or fill in big details of something I may have missed. For example “Previously on Loki” and it’s followed by a brief recap of previous episode. When I first read your query, I thought: is this a series… perhaps a sequel?)
Detective Richie Holiday gets a letter from his unknown birth mother, delivered by a sister he 8never knew existed. Same mother, different fathers. A simple search for his father turns out to be much more, as bodies start piling up when he gets close to the truth.
As a member of the highway commission, his mother was a party girl, with a lust for good times. His father, it seems, had to be a member of that same commission.
Layer after layer of evidence points to a political scandal from years ago. Evidence was found that can’t be used in court, and Richie determines there’s only one way to bring this group to justice. (While I did make a FEW changes in my rewrite below, I really felt I wanted to know the answer to this question: “What is the only way to bring them to justice?” Killing them? Exposing them online? Then I thought, “What the heck WAS this scandal anyway? In short, you got me interested! GREAT JOB!)
His own home life gets complicated as he takes in his homeless sister, and has an affair with his married partner. (This part was less interesting. I’m not saying you should remove it, but at least consider it, or possibly moving it, but I’m not sure where. I just feel you should end on the part about only one way to bring them to justice. I removed it in my rewrite below.)
Please let me know if you’d be interested in reading, “Rhapsody In Blue.”
Frank Livorsi
847-366-0032
All right Frank! Just a side note. Your title caught my attention. Seemed familiar. I googled it and, as you probably know, it was also the title of a 1945 movie about George Gershwin. Once I realized this, it reinforced the Noir that you are going for. That made your movie more interesting to me. I could almost hear period jazz playing over a black-and-white opening scene.
When you have a moment, I would appreciate any input from you about my query. Good luck in your endeavors.
My suggestions for a rewrite are:
Dear Producer:
Bio: Frank is a produced screenwriter with two other scripts optioned.
He killed his father, and stole another man’s wife. Should a cop be doing that?
Title: Rhapsody in Blue
Genre: Film Noir
Detective Richie Holiday gets a letter from his unknown birth mother, delivered by a sister he never knew existed. Same mother, different fathers. A simple search for his father turns out to be much more, as bodies start piling up when he gets close to the truth.
As a member of the highway commission, his mother was a party girl, with a lust for good times. His father, it seems, had to be a member of that same commission.
Layer after layer of evidence points to a political scandal from years ago, but it’s inadmissible in court. Richie decides there’s only one way to bring this group to justice.
Please let me know if you’d be interested in reading, “Rhapsody In Blue.”
Frank Livorsi
847-366-0032
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Hi Larry,
Thanks for the great input. You got what I was going for. I will use your recap because it’s better than mine. I can’t use the logline because he doesn’t learn the identity of his father until page 94 of a 96 page script. The way you format a query is different then the way I’ve been doing. You’ve seen what I’ve been sending out. I’ll try your style. You put in a lot of work on this and I appreciate it. I’ll try to do the same for you. I’ll need a couple of days, though.
Frank
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Larry Ridlen’s Query Letter Draft ONE
Dear Producer Name:
BIO: Optioned screenwriter with an IMDB credit. Larry’s scripts have placed in numerous contests including PAGE and ScreenCraft.
Title: Befudled Path
Genre: Sci-fi/fantasy
Is it possible to combine all realities into a perfect one?
Jim has the power to merge alternate realities. The problem is, he doesn’t know it. His befuddled path begins when he meets the woman of his dreams, Kim. She hates drugs. So does he.
Too bad he’s secretly a drug runner for the mob.
On a drug run in Jamaica, Herbie, a Rastafarian, trains Jim to use his power. Kim gets kidnapped! Executing a desperate plan to rescue her, Jim tries to use his reality-bending powers to create the perfect reality.
Turns out… Jim worked for the FBI all along!
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send the script, BEFUDDLED PATH.
Larry Ridlen
Phone
Address
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Hi Larry,
Sorry this has taken so long.
If I’m looking at this to buy, I’m not sure what I would be buying.
Does Jim have multiple personalities or is he jumping from one reality (universe, time travel, etc) It’s hard to track that. Sci-fi/Fantasy? Which is it?
Does Kim get kidnapped because he is a drug mule? Is this a search and rescue, with Herbie being his mentor? (like Yoda) If so, I’m liking that. He’s got a problem that he caused. Gets help to save the girl.
I think you might be going for too much irony in this query…She hates drugs/He a drug runner. He’s a criminal/he’s an FBI agent.
Log line: I like that.
Title: I like Path. It shows he got to make choices. I don’t like the word Befuddled. I can’t take anyone seriously if they are befuddled. Chosen Path, Broken Path, Path to Nowhere, something like that. But I would definitely change the title. And I feel bad about saying that, because I think you really like that title. Sorry.
I think, you might be on to a good story, but a producer might not see that in the way it’s presented in the letter.
I really hate to be critical of something, but you need to make some changes to this. Quite frankly, you did a better job of writing my query than I did my own.
Frank
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Hi Frank!
Don’t feel bad about anything. You are right on all counts. I was trying to incorporate hooks over details… and I think I overdid it. To clarify some points, Jim is able to jump into alternate realities and merge them with his own, Herbie is sort of a Yoda, and the title should change to something more attention grabbing. I’ll need to rework this, but the forum for this class will probably close before I can come up with something. I’d like to keep in contact with you as our critiques seem to have benefited both of us.
My email is:
I’m posting and sending this to the email you posted, in case this closes before you read it.
Thank you for your suggestions. They are very much appreciated and helpful.
Larry Ridlen
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