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[Renee Brown]

Renee Brown has great dialogue.

What I learned here: Lines I thought were good got better and lead to adding more dialogue to some scenes to flesh out the new momentum. I honed the specific voices of the characters and actually had a lot of fun with this. Eliminated all the generic speed writing Yes / No speech. My script currently has 282 lines of dialogue and I made significant changes to 63 lines.

Top 5 changes are:

#1 –

CONTROL OFFICER

This’ll mess with ‘em.

(added personal subtext revealing Aurora’s character, Pumped up the set up / pay off, and dialogue as action. ) Changed line to:

I know you like to watch. Wanna see em squirm?

AURORA

(added this line)

I’m watching you squirm just now.

CONTROL OFFICER

Sometimes I just sit here cloak’n and uncloak’n stuff just to see ‘em scatter.

(vague. flipped it to a set up) changed to:

Consider it foreplay.

#2-

DAUNTUS

You. Are just like your mother. Getting into things you have no business in. Stupid. Weak. If you don’t watch yourself you’ll end up just like she did.

(added irony with the word beautiful)

Just like your mother. That beautiful, stupid, weak woman. Can’t you see? If you keep this up, you will end up just like her.

Dauntus snaps his glare down to Anauk. Leans in close.

DAUNTUS

Dead.

(cliche. used words a Skyflier would use. Also, ‘disappearing’ invokes mystery.) Changed to:

Ashes. Disappearing into the clouds.

#3-

GROT

Come on, Tallas. No more scrolls … Don’t tell me you haven’t thought of it.

TALLAS

No. I have not.

(generic. added Dialogue as action and Irony) changed to:

It’s not enough I am the scribe of this forgery? You now ask me to become the deception? To live this lie?

GROT

(added this line, deepening irony)

Are you not already living it?

#4

DEEPER

Majesty.

SALTAR

I hate it when they call me that.

(changed to speak through character)

Makes my scales chafe when they call me that.

#5 (first draft speed writing YES!/ NO! dialogue eliminated)

SALTAR

It was not us. Someday you will believe me.

(weak set up. Added intrigue ) changed to:

You of all of people know you can’t always trust your eyes. Someday you will believe me.

Tallas steps back, trying for a better vantage point. His foot almost lands on Saltar’s chest when –

TALLAS

No. I will not.

(switched to attack/ counter attack and added a mystery) changed to:

Someday you will pay for your ancestor’s betrayal of the unity.

Saltar grabs Tallas’ foot and rolls, taking Tallas down.

SALTAR

YES!

(counter attack and mystery)changed to:

We betrayed no one!

Tallas rolls with her and away. Gets back on his feet. Saltar drops her camouflage and stands goddess like before him. All slick and glisten.

SALTAR

Yes. You will.

(attack / counter attack and foreshadowing) changed to:

Someday you will ask forgiveness for these accusations.

(still pondering if the repetition of the word “someday” helps with attack / counter attack, or just sounds like the same word over and over….)

[Sherri Coffee]

Sherri D. Coffee Module 4 Lesson 11 Best Dialogue

What I learned is that only having time to do a light review opens up the need for a deep dive. And that when I examine my dialogue, some can really be improved!

BEFORE:

DOCTOR

Grave situation I’m afraid. He is in a coma and not expected to recover. Do you have his medical power of attorney?

AFTER:

DOCTOR

I’m sorry to disrupt your argument but do either of you have a medical power of attorney?

They both shake their heads.

DOCTOR

Then we will keep him alive until you can document his wishes.

The Doctor walks out in frustration.

BEFORE:

CARLTON

I have some appointments today. Grace, I will be back tomorrow. It is a pleasure to meet you.

AFTER:

Grace sits next to Sam on the bed and takes his hand.

CARLTON

Can you find his paperwork?

Sam wishes he could move and warn Grace about Carlton. He regrets not telling her the truth.

GRACE

I will look tonight.

Grace turns back to Sam.

CARLTON

Fine. If you don’t find, I’ll check with my Mother. Otherwise, he could be on life support forever. And who is going to pay that bill?

Grace looks at Carlton and sees his greed. Carlton exits the room.

BEFORE:

bland interaction

AFTER:

WILSON

Grace, how can you live with a man for five years and not know anything about him?

GRACE

I loved him. I was so in love with him that I never wanted him to think I was here for his money. So I never asked any questions.

WILSON

How is that possible? You get paid to ask questions.

Grace sits down in exhaust.

GRACE

That’s different.

Wilson ponders the situation.

WILSON

Keep looking Grace. The vault will have a key. Do you want me to do a search for online documents? Why would Sam not have his paperwork together?

GRACE

I know. Crazy right?

WILSON

No, crazy is that you don’t know. Five years. Did you know he knew Senator Drew?

GRACE

No. Maybe I did not know him at all.

BEFORE:

ATTORNEY

I represent Carlton King’s interest. These are the documents he has on record for Sam. Do you have any updates?

Grace shakes her head.

ATTORNEY

You need to answer.

GRACE

No, I do not at the present time but I am still looking.

Sam can hear the conversation and is agitated.

SAM (O.S.)

Fucking Carlton. I knew I should have warned Grace.

The attorney hands her a copy of the document. Grace examines.

ATTORNEY

This will specifically states that if he is incapacitated, Carlton King has his medical power of attorney. And he has sole power of attorney to act in the best interest of Sam.

GRACE

Sam told me he had updated his will and made me the executor. Unfortunately, I have not been able to locate the document.

Wilson tries to read the Attorney’s face. Sam’s thoughts are delivered off screen.

SAM (O.S.)

Still the same Carlton. Why can’t I speak? Let me out of this place!

ATTORNEY

I also located the documents for the ownership of the apartment. Only Sam is on the deed. Do you have other information on your residence?

GRACE

Just my payments. To Sam.

Sam knows that he cannot stop what will happen.

SAM (O.S.)

Sorry Grace. So sorry.

Grace looks at the attorney and then at Wilson.

ATTORNEY

I know this is difficult. But Mr. King would like to move his father back to the house with hospice care. And he thinks it would be best if you were not there.

Grace rises and starts to speak but glances at the cell phone camera.

GRACE

You…want me…to leave? My house? Our home? Why in the world would you think I would want to leave the man I love? Are you fucking kidding me?

AFTER:

The attorney hands her a copy of the document. Grace examines.

ATTORNEY

This will specifically states that if he is incapacitated, Carlton King has his medical power of attorney. And he has sole power of attorney to act in the best interest of Sam.

GRACE

Sam told me he had updated his will and made me the executor. Unfortunately, I have not been able to locate the document.

Wilson tries to read the Attorney’s face. Sam’s thoughts are delivered off screen.

SAM (O.S.)

Still the same Carlton. Why can’t I speak? Let me out of this place!

Carlton enter the room.

CARLTON

Are we finished yet?

The attorney is surprised.

ATTORNEY

No, we are not Carlton.

He turns back to Grace. Carlton finds a spot to watch the show. He loves to see someone squirm.

[Barbara Gilmore]

I’m going to continue to work my way through the teaser and Acts 1 to 5 to try and elevate the dialogue. But here’s my best lines so far…

Teaser:

Setup/Payoff/Subtext

LUKE

Pull over. I gotta pee. (original)

Luke gulps down the water. (new)

LUKE

I really need to go to the washroom. (new)

STEVE

Suck it up, man. We’re twenty minutes away. (original)

Still dealing with that little problem of yours. (new)

Act 1:

Setup/Payoff/Subtext

CAPTAIN MANORS

What the hell happened, Sergeant? (original)

I told you not to take short cuts. (new)

JESS

The judge didn’t like my evidence. (original)

I never get caught. Someone must have tipped off the Judge or the Defence lawyers. (new)

Act 2:

Setup/Payoff/Subtext/Anticipatory

OFFICER MARTYN

Go ahead. (original)

Sheriff’s Office is off limits. Evidence Room in the basement. There’s a spare desk over by the window. (new)

JESS

Thanks. (original)

I’ve always wanted a window desk. (new)

Officer Martyn smiles. (new)

OFFICER MARTYN

That’s what the newbies say until they have one. (new).

Act 3:

Setup/Payoff/Subtext/Anticipatory

SHERIFF MOORE

No. Parents confirmed what I already knew. They were good kids. (original)

I can’t imagine why someone would do this. (new)

JESS

Okay. Let’s see what Luke’s parents have to say. (original)

In some ways it looks like a professional hit. But maybe it was just some psycho’s random hit. (new)

Act 4:

Attack Counterattack/Subtext/Anticipatory

SARAH

There are no secrets in a small town. (original)

JESS

(pointedly) (new)

There are always some. (original)

SARAH

Not as many as you think. (new)

JESS

You’re right. There’s more. (new)

Act 5:

Anticipatory/Character Profiles

SARAH

I’m sorry. We’re not open for another twenty minutes. (original)

DOUG DAVIDSON (52) removes his baseball cap. (original)

DOUG DAVIDSON (52) removes his cowboy hat. (new)

DOUG

I beg your pardon ma’am. I have a long drive ahead of me. Would you mind if I grabbed a cup of coffee and a sandwich. (original)

Sarah hesitates recognizes Mick’s MID-SIZED WHITE TRUCK.

SARAH

Do you live on Green Lake? The old Pearson house? (original)

You live with MIke out at the old Pearson house? (new)

DOUG

Yes, ma’am. That’s me. (original)

Yes, ma’am. Mick’s my older brother. (new)

SARAH

I recognize the truck. Come in. (original))

SARAH

Come on in. (new)

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.