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Post Your Lesson 12 Assignment here
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3 Replies
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Renee Brown Description 1!
What I learned here is that I consistently put too little into my descriptions. I see it clearly in my head, but when I really take a look at what’s on the page, It’s a lot of bland. Digging into the imagery really pumps it up and I see my story coming alive.
Following are the 5 before and afters.
#1:
Before:
Aurora flies down, kneels next to Anauk and pushes the sweaty hair from his face.
After:
Aurora flies down. Lands next to her brother. Tears stream down her face. She brushes sweat drenched hair from his eyes. Anauk pushes up out of the puddle of his own blood. His wing drags through the mess.
#2:
Before:
The ouroboros stone rolls shut. Tallas grabs the prophecy pages and throws them in the fire.
After:
Tallas watches the ouroboros stone roll shut. Frustration builds. He grabs the prophecy pages, crumples them up and throws them in the fire.
He misses. The ball of parchment bounces off the cavern wall and rolls back to his feet.
He huffs a pathetic chuckle, picks up the discarded prophecy and slumps into his chair.
#3:
Before:
Dauntus lounges on his throne. An Officer (30’s) marches in.
After:
Dauntus lounges on his throne doing something twitchy. Aurora leans against a column, eyeing her father. An Officer (30’s) marches in. Checks her confidence at the door.
#4
Before:
Anauk’s cruiser speeds toward the palace.
After:
The palace is just a shimmer of current at first, but Anauk knows what he’s looking for. A glimmer of rainbow. A glint of shine. There!
Anauk cracks a smile. His cruiser speeds toward the palace. He is unannounced. An iridescent bio-shield slips over the palace.
#5
Before:
Saltar holds the bio-bandage close to Anauk’s wing. It activates and slips over Anauk’s wound.
After:
Saltar holds the oozing glob close to Anauk’s wing. It activates, ameba like, colors swirl as it slips over Anauk’s wound, growing a stretchy bridge between the ripped tissue.
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Sherri D. Coffee Module 4 Lesson 12 Description!
What I learned doing this assignment is that my descriptions are vague and do not create the visual that I intend. I’ve reworked several of them but there are many more to review.
BEFORE:
Train attendant walks down the hallway. Arrives at a cabin and knocks on the door and opens.
AFTER:
Train attendant walks down the hallway. He notices two women on a bench. They read with detail a Daly’s theatre playbook. He stops.
BEFORE:
The train attendant notices the play script and flirts.
AFTER:
He notices her beauty and attempts to flirt.
BEFORE:
Grace provides a serious look. The train attendant realizes his flirt is not welcome and recovers.
AFTER:
Grace is very serious about her profession. She resents the lack of virtue reputation of actresses. The train attendant blushes.
BEFORE:
Her chaperone Aunt Carrie laughs under her breath and turns to Grace as soon as the door shuts.
AFTER:
The chaperone Aunt Carrie laughs under her breath as the Attendant walks away. As soon as the door closes behind him, she turns to Grace
BEFORE:
Aunt Carrie looks up at Grace. She is very proud of her pretty and composed niece.
AFTER:
Aunt Carrie beams with pride.
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I learned a great deal from using Hal’s three simple steps. I’ve often been confused by what’s required as there seems to be different ways to do this, but now I get it. So with that in mind I’m going through each Act of my script and updating as best I can.
TEASER
BEFORE:
SCENE 2
STEVE BERESFORD (34) is driving. LUKE SMITH (32) sits in the passenger seat. At first glance they seem like a married couple with their matching plaid shirts, hipster haircuts, and skinny jeans.
But Steve reaches behind and ANNA COLE (29), sitting in the back seat, punk goth, grabs his hand, caresses and kisses it, then lets it go.
Luke, jealous, throws Steve a look, Steve glances at Luke, purses his lips.
The pick-up’s headlights illuminate a ROAD SIGN “Bear Creek Rest Area and Trailhead 50m on the left”.
AFTER:
STEVE BERESFORD (34) is driving. LUKE SMITH (32) sits in the passenger seat.
Steve reaches behind and ANNA COLE (29), sitting in the back seat, grabs his hand, caresses and kisses it, then lets it go.
Luke throws Steve a jealous look, gulps downs some water.
The pick-up’s headlights illuminate a ROAD SIGN “Bear Creek Rest Area and Trailhead 50m on the left”.
LUKE
I really need to go to the washroom.
Steve glances at Luke, purses his lips.
STEVE
Still dealing with that little problem of yours.
ANNA
Just pull over, Steve.
STEVE
No.
Luke leans over, grabs the wheel, and hangs a hard left. Steve hits the brakes as the pick-up leaves the highway and SKIDS along a single dirt track.
Steve angrily pushes Luke’s hand away from the steering wheel.
STEVE
Don’t do that again, buddy.
Luke gives him the finger.
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