Post Your Lesson 14 Assignment here

[Renee Brown]

Renee Brown has great introductions.

What I learned here: I have been struggling with the descriptions. But with these tools, I could march through my script and see pretty easily where I could strengthen. Also, coming back to: an entire scene can serve to introduce a character meaningfully really opened things up.

An example of each kind of improvement follows.

INTRO WORLD:

SALTAR (30’s) and GENERAL LOCH (40’s) Float-stand in the lavish, glowing, fully submerged room. Gills wisp back and forth on their necks.

Saltar circles around the 3D relay of a small town on the coast. Humans gape up at the sky. Some crying, some laughing, some cheering.

Saltar swipes the image. Her hands form a vortex that morphs into an outer space view of Planet X.

CHARACTER INTRO:

Before:

AURORA (20’s) straddles the CONTROL OFFICER.

After:

AURORA (20’s) flairs her feathers with coy authority as she straddles the CONTROL OFFICER.

IRONY:

Before:

Tallas(40’s). Sits in the learning circle.

After:

TALLAS (looks 40. Actually 368). Wise man of the Longheads, scribe of The Prophecy of Unity, Sits in a learning circle with a small group of children.

[Sherri Coffee]

Sherri D. Coffee Module 4 Lesson 14 Has Amazing Description!

What I learned doing this assignment is to add emotion after action. And when I begin with action, the description is much more concise and meaningful.

BEFORE:

Grace sits in the parking lot afraid to exit the car. She looks around and finally is able to exit the car.

AFTER:

Grace clutches the steering wheel and looks upward. She is afraid to get out of the car. Her eyes scan the parking lot for people. All clear. She slowly opens the car door to exit.

BEFORE:

Grace waits inside the lobby. Finally, she is able to enter her office.

Janney sits behind the large desk and watches Grace enter the room.

AFTER:

Grace walks with caution into Janney’s office. She is heartbroken.

BEFORE:

Janney holds her hands up to her ears.

AFTER:

Janney cusps her ears with her hands in pain.

BEFORE:

Grace fumbles in her purse and pulls out 2 cell phones.

AFTER:

Grace rummages in her purse and retrieves two cell phones. She finds the power button and turns each off.

[Barbara Gilmore]

I’m finding this an invaluable exercise to remove uneccessary description while making the description more intriguing. I’m still working on this and will post something soon.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

This is the first few scenes of my teaser.

Barbara is still working on her Pilot script.

1. EXT. REMOTE HIGHWAY – DUSK

CAPTION: Present Day

1. A PICK-UP TRUCK travels along a remote highway bounded by dense forest.

2. INT. PICK-UP TRUCK – MOVING -DUSK

STEVE BERESFORD (34) is driving. LUKE SMITH (32) sits in the passenger seat. At first glance they look like an old married couple with their matching plaid shirts, hipster haircuts, and skinny jeans.

HIPSTER MUSIC plays quietly on the car’s cd player.

But Steve reaches behind and ANNA COLE (29), sitting in the back seat, punk goth, grabs his hand, caresses and kisses it, then lets it go.

Luke throws Steve a jealous look as he sips from his water bottle.

The pick-up’s headlights illuminate a ROAD SIGN “Bear Creek Rest Area and Trailhead 200m on the left”.

LUKE

I gotta pee.

Steve glances at Luke, purses his lips.

STEVE

Still dealing with that little problem of yours.

ANNA

Just pull over, Steve.

STEVE

No.

Luke leans over, grabs the wheel, and hangs a hard left.

Steve hits the brakes as the pick-up leaves the highway and SKIDS along a dirt track.

Steve angrily pushes Luke’s hand away from the steering wheel.

STEVE

Don’t do that again, buddy.

Luke gives him the finger.

3. EXT. BEAR CREEK REST AREA – DIRT ROAD – DUSK

The pick-up bounces spewing dust.

4. INT. PICK-UP TRUCK – MOVING – DUSK

Anna grabs the door handle and peers out at the dense overhanging branches as they scratch and scrape at the windows.