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Post Your Lesson 15 Assignment here
Reply to post your assignment.
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4 Replies
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Renee Brown has amazing description! Yeehaw. 🙂
What I learned here: The description chart is super helpful. From here I’m gonna go through again… and again… see what I can find. Cuz there is ALWAYS something to find…
Some examples of more improvements:
CHARACTER INTROS:
New:
An enormous industrial room. Bigger than the house above. 30-foot ceilings. One wall is floor to ceiling monitors. Same era as the house. They’re labeled. Vertical rows.
Standing wide stance and crossed arms in front of this wall is STEELMAN HUNTER (Formidable 40’s). He peers at the monitors. His eyes darting from one to another. Surgical precision.
New:
A DEEPER IN WAITING (20’s) float-walks into the room. A quick curtsey. Swishing bubbly current rather than rustling silks.
INTRO WORLD:
EXT. PALACE WALL
Huge ports open and water blasts out the side of the palace. The turbulence bounces Anauk’s cruiser. He pulls up and over to Saltar’s private landing pad.
He waits. Watches the shield lower and the water drain from the room.
INT. SALTAR’S CHAMBERS
As the water level lowers, Saltar stretches her neck this way and that. The gills clamp shut and just as the water clears, she opens her mouth. Draws in an exquisite breath.
ACTION INTERNAL PROCESS
Before:
He taps a series of tabs. On screen, the satellite cloaks.
After:
He taps some tabs like he’s playing thumb drums — This’ll impress her. On screen, the satellite cloaks.
Before:
Tallas is gob smacked.
After:
Tallas is gob smacked. Is he joking? Has he finally gone off the cliff?
REVEALS : sets up for future episodes when we discover Anauk has Deeper blood in his veins because of his mother’s hidden past.
Anauk concedes, only to be disgusted by the slime Saltar is stretching out of the pack.
ANAUK
Looks like something my Wingoo coughed up.
SALTAR
It’s tuned to Deeper blood, so it won’t be a really good fit. But I think it will bind the wound.
(then)
I know it will help with the pain. Your surgeons can take it off when they tend to you.
Saltar holds the oozing glob close to Anauk’s wing. It activates, ameba like, colors swirl as it slips over Anauk’s wound.
It forms seamless patches between his ripped flesh. A rainbow bandage… with a perfect fit.
ANAUK
It likes me.
Saltar dodges. Hides her amazement, turning to suspicion. How is it possible? He isn’t a Deeper!
SALTAR
Likes you more than it should. I guess you just have that affect.
Anauk shrugs his wing. Incredible! He stands and spreads his wings — magnificent.
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Well, I got my posts mixed up. Dang. oh well. I’m just gonna let it be and add…..
Renee Brown has finished Wordsmithing!
Hands down (for me), the reading backwards was the most frustrating, tedious, and amazingly useful tool. (see what I did with irony there?….you’ve created a monster:):)
Not only did I find typos that I couldn’t believe I missed, but it lead to description and dialogue edits too. It forces me to ask: Does this line of description or dialogue stand on its own as a solid image or statement? Can I tell who is talking here even out of context? Is every line interesting in some way?
It has become my new favorite editing tool.
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Sherri D. Coffee Module 4 Lesson 15 Finished Wordsmithing!
What I learned doing this assignment was to examine each sentence, description, and action for succinct, clear and meaningful words.
I made several changes in my descriptions and dialogue. Most interesting is the succinct language adds to define the character better.
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Barbara is still working on her Pilot script but has finished as much as possible the Teaser and Act 1. Could still be improved but moving on to the other Acts.
ACT 1
CAPTION: ONE DAY EARLIER
INT. SEATTLE COURTROOM – DAY
SERGEANT JESS PEARSON, late-thirties, stares straight ahead.
JUDGE MORTON
Sergeant, I’ll repeat the question. How did you know the suspect was in Las Vegas when all the evidence points to him being at home in Los Angeles?
JESS
Your honor, time stamped photographs show he was in Las Vegas.
JUDGE MORTON
Time stamped photographs that were obtained illegally.
Jess fidgets.
JESS
The evidence speaks for itself.
JUDGE MORTON
Yes it does. And in my courtroom that evidence and how it was gathered is inadmissible. Case dismissed. Sam Stevens you are free to go.
The COURTROOM erupts in cheers and boos.
SAM STEVENS, forties, looks over at Jess, smiles, and winks.
INT. SEATTLE COURTROOM CORRIDOR – DAY
Jess flings open the courtroom door and quickly walks towards the front exit. Up ahead is Sam Stevens surrounded by his ATTORNEYS and a MEDIA SCRUM. Jess takes a sharp right and heads for the side exit.
JESS
xxxx!
expletive has been removed.
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