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Post Your Lesson 27 Assignment Here
Reply and post your assignment here.
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Dale’s Solved Scene Problems!
What I learned doing this assignment is it helped me to concentrate on two elements: conflict and how the scene moves the story forward. I’ve tackled about 2/3 of the scenes so far.
The first scene I found with a problem is when Barbara and Elizabeth are at a restaurant and see Philip with a student. I think I need to add more conflict with Barbara in terms of how she views the new university regulations vs how Liz does. This also would move the story forward more. And then I realized I need to make the conflict in a following scene between Elizabeth and Philip, although around the same issue, play differently and push the storyline forward a bit more. Here are those two revised scenes:
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Elizabeth and Barbara are being shown their table at a local restaurant. At another end of the restaurant Elizabeth notices…
PHILIP sitting in a booth with a young woman. They are laughing together, and at one point, she brushes his hair aside, and he takes her hand and kisses it.
Now seated at their table, Elizabeth speaks in a low, voice.
ELIZABETH
I don’t believe it!
BARBARA
What?
ELIZABETH
Don’t look, but over there
Elizabeth glances in that direction, Barbara starts to turn to look.
ELIZABETH
I said don’t look!
BARBARA
What is it?
ELIZABETH
Philip.
BARBARA
Okay… Philip?
ELIZABETH
With a student.
BARBARA
Still, not so strange.
ELIZABETH
Holding her hand.
BARBARA
Oh. Shit.
ELIZABETH
Yeah.
Barbara turns slyly to take a look.
BARBARA
Is that… Cheryl Littleton?
ELIZABETH
Yes. She was a student in Philip’s class on the Idealists.
BARBARA
Was?
ELIZABETH
Yes.
BARBARA
Well, if he’s not teaching her now. I mean, that’s compliant with the old rules.
ELIZABETH
But not with the new ones. And given the current lawsuit against admin for ignoring complaints against Larry Stern…
BARBARA
All because Stern is tenured and a Nobel laureate. Makes me sick. Rumor mill had him behaving badly with his female students for years.
ELIZABETH
Yeah, like with one of my students.
BARBARA
Jesus. Really?
ELIZABETH
Yes, she’s trying to decide whether to testify.
BARBARA
Poor girl. That can’t be easy.
ELIZABETH
No, she’s a wreck.
BARBARA
I feel for her. I remember in my graduate work the number of gropey professors.
ELIZABETH
Yeah, and now something’s finally being done. I think the university is wise, erring on the side of caution.
BARBARA
Maybe. But I worry it could go too far. A student is pissed off about a grade? She could accuse her professor of being a predator.
ELIZABETH
I think it’s far more likely a love affair gone bad would make a student level those kinds of accusations.
BARBARA
Yes, but the new rules are already seeping into our classrooms. I heard one of the film professors was called on the carpet because a student complained of his use of inappropriate language. He was quoting from Five Easy Pieces.
ELIZABETH
Admin couldn’t have taken that seriously.
BARBARA
They didn’t. The student was a bit of a holy roller. But it seems it’s only a skip and jump to complaints taken more seriously. I I mean, what if, as an anthropologist, I can’t talk about the sexual behaviors of certain indigenous societies?
ELIZABETH
I can’t imagine it would go that far.
BARBARA
Well you have more faith in the system than I do.
ELIZABETH
Yes, I trust in them using their reason to evaluate each situation.
BARBARA
News flash! Not everyone is like you.
And she signals to the waiter, that they’re ready to order.
INT. PRIVATE HOME – STUDY – EVENING
Offscreen, we hear the sounds of a party going on in the living room. Someone is playing a piano and there is singing. Elizabeth stands alone in the home office, with a soda in her hand, perusing the titles of books on the shelves. Barbara comes in.
BARBARA
Of course, here you are, I should have known. Now listen. Joe’s indulging his fantasy of being a lounge act again. He could use some backup singers. Help me out, please!
ELIZABETH
You know I’ve never been much one for parties.
BARBARA
Yes, well, you’re a single woman again. Time to take yourself out of mothballs!
ELIZABETH
So I have to start pretending I like this sort of thing?
BARBARA
Better than working night and day.
ELIZABETH
I love my work.
BARBARA
I know you do. But turning into a walking head at forty-two, is that what you really want?
Philip enters. He is somewhat inebriated, a bottle of bourbon and glass in hand.
PHILIP
Is what what she really wants?
BARBARA
To blow this joint, or start a game of limbo?
PHILIP
Oh, limbo, by all means. Anything to liven up this gang. Although your husband is sure giving it a college try. Speaking of, your lack of loyalty to your musicien manqué is, frankly, shocking.
BARBARA
That’s all right, Philip. I can get a personal concert any time I want.
PHILIP
Have a drink, ladies?
BARBARA
Why not.
Philip pours a drink into Barbara’s glass, spilling some of it on the floor.
PHILIP
Ooops. Elizabeth?
ELIZABETH
I don’t think so.
PHILIP
Suit yourself.
Silence. They stand there, awkwardly, looking at each other.
BARBARA
Well, actually, I’d better get back to the party. Give Joe the benefit of my mellifluous vocals.
(to Elizabeth)
You coming?
ELIZABETH
No, I’m good.
Philip pours a drink into Barbara’s glass, spilling some of it on the floor.
PHILIP
Ooops. Elizabeth?
ELIZABETH
I don’t think so.
PHILIP
Suit yourself.
They stand there, awkwardly, looking at each other.
BARBARA
…Well, actually, I’d better get back to the party. Give Joe the benefit of my mellifluous vocals.
(to Elizabeth)
You coming?
ELIZABETH
No, I’m good.
Barbara hesitates. Elizabeth gives her a nod, indicating she’ll be okay. Barbara leaves.
PHILIP
(beat)
So… Let me be the first to congratulate you on your newest article in The Philosophical Review.
ELIZABETH
Thank you.
PHILIP
And with a subject like epiphenomenalism! Brava! Reviving a dead-as-doornail theory like that and making it sound almost plausible!
ELIZABETH
Is that an insult or compliment?
PHILIP
Take it as you will.
A beat.
ELIZABETH
Listen, Philip…
PHILIP
Yes?
ELIZABETH
I… I saw you the other day with your student, Cheryl…
PHILIP
Okay…?
ELIZABETH
Holding hands.
PHILIP
Oh. …Well, first of all – she’s my ex-student.
ELIZABETH
Right. But with the new faculty code…
PHILIP
Revised code. A direct result of rampant paranoia.
ELIZABETH
Maybe, but it now prohibits any faculty – undergrad relationships…
PHILIP
Yeah, but I’m not one of those predator professors who stake out the most vulnerable student each semester…
ELIZABETH
I know that.
PHILIP
I mean, I’m all for disciplining them. They’re the rotten apples who have given the rest of us a bad name.
ELIZABETH
I think it’s more complicated than that. I think–
PHILIP
And now, with Me-Too, the chickens have come home to roost. Or more precisely, women are suing universities right and left for turning a blind eye.
ELIZABETH
As those women should!
PHILIP
But is that a reason to go all Draconian on us? Just to protect their ass?
ELIZABETH
Actually, I think the new code makes sense.
PHILIP
Really?
ELIZABETH
Just because a student isn’t in your class now, doesn’t mean she won’t be.
PHILIP
You don’t think it goes too far? I mean, look at all the marriages in the past which came out of faculty-student romances.
ELIZABETH
That doesn’t make it right.
PHILIP
Oh come on! This sort of thing has been going on since Socrates dallied with his first young man. I’m not advocating all out licentiousness, for Christ’s sake. I’m just saying I don’t think it’s something you can regulate. You bring minds together, sometimes bodies follow.
ELIZABETH
That’s right, weak bodies.
(Philip groans)
It’s what I think! What you’re talking about is a direct violation of a student’s rights, consenting, or not. There is an unequal power structure here, Philip, we have control over these kids’ futures! So, I’m sorry. In my estimation, it’s wrong, professionally and morally.
PHILIP
Well, gee, Elizabeth. Don’t mince words on my account.
(beat)
So what are you saying?
ELIZABETH
I’m saying, Stop this relationship now, before you risk your job.
PHILIP
Or what, you’ll turn me in?
ELIZABETH
No, of course not. But if admin ends up asking me, well… I would have to tell the truth.
PHILIP
Of course you would.
ELIZABETH
Philip.
PHILIP
No, no, I get it. It’s a different world now. That moral compass needle has been set just this side of impossible. Perfect for paragons like yourself.
ELIZABETH
I’m not a paragon.
PHILIP
You could have fooled me.
I also realized I need a couple of missing scenes, as follows:
A SCENE where Elizabeth takes her student, Amanda, to the courthouse to testify against the professor. Amanda’s visceral reaction upon seeing him go up the courthouse steps with his lawyer in tow.
A SCENE where Elizabeth (before her 2nd meeting with her ex-husband) has dreams about him and the end of their marriage.
A SCENE where Philip is alone at restaurant. Liz and Barbara invite him to join them. He admits that Cheryl left him. He really thought it would last. She, apparently was just indulging a temporary infatuation. A young man more her age stole her heart. He’s quite broken up about it. E and B are appropriately sympathetic, but E reminds him that at least now he doesn’t have to worry about the faculty code. He says he would trade that worry with having her still in his life any day.
DRAFT of that scene:
INT. THE CORONA RESTAURANT – EVENING
Barbara and Elizabeth are eating their meal at the local restaurant. Philip walks in and is guided to a table at the back. Elizabeth notices him sitting down.
ELIZABETH
There’s Philip. Alone.
BARBARA
Oh didn’t you hear? Cheryl dumped him.
ELIZABETH
Oh my. No wonder he looks so glum. Let’s not let him stew all alone.
She gets up and goes to Philip’s table, says a couple of words to him. He signals to the waiter who picks up his plate and cutlery and bring it over to their table.
As Elizabeth and Philip sit down…
BARBARA
Glad you can join us.
PHILIP
Happy to.
BARBARA
Let’s get the waiter over so you can order.
She signals the waiter. They are silent for a moment. Then…
PHILIP
Well, Liz, you’ll be happy.
ELIZABETH
Why’s that?
PHILIP
Sarah threw me over.
ELIZABETH
I heard. I’m sorry.
PHILIP
For a young man her age, no less.
BARBARA
What happened? Need all the juicy details!
ELIZABETH
Barbara! That’s Philip’s business.
PHILIP
No… I don’t mind. Our relationship wasn’t looked upon too kindly by her friends. And her parents, of course, were dead set against it. 18 year age difference and all…
BARBARA
That’s too bad.
PHILIP
Yeah. I have to admit I was really smitten with the girl. I know. Pathetic – man my age.
BARBARA
Love is never pathetic.
PHILIP
Well, apparently it was just a temporary fling for her. I’m the one crying nightly in my whisky. Her, she’s off enjoying the nightlife with her new beau.
ELIZABETH
Well at least… now you don’t have to worry about faculty codes of conduct.
PHILIP
I’d trade all that worry for another night with her.
ELIZABETH
Really? I find that rather–
But Barbara gives her a look.
BARBARA
Understandable. What can we do to cheer you up? I know. Why don’t you find the tastiest, most unhealthy things on the menu and order up. My treat.
PHILIP
You are too kind. But I couldn’t.
BARBARA
I insist.
PHILIP
Okay then.
He starts looking over the menu and Barbara and Elizabeth exchange a look.
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Subject line: Ricardo Williams Solved Scene Problems!
What I learned doing this assignment is how to check my script for scenes that don’t elevate or advance the script.
2. For any scene problems you find make the prescribed improvements.
I added a final scene that looks like a mini-reunion, but that reunites the protagonist with the antagonist and have them sort out their difference. I felt it necessary as the script has a family theme and the message of forgiveness and redemption seems suited for it.
FADE IN:
A Quotation from WILLIAM EARNEST HENLEY’S POEM “INVICTUS” AGAINST A BLACK SCREEN:
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.”
INT. DR. HOWARD’S DENTAL OFFICE – DAY – 1934
The sign on the outside of the door reads, DR. E. C. HOWARD – DENTIST. The sign on the adjoining door reads, THE VANITY BOX. The sounds of a man moaning on the inside. The moans grow louder as we see DR. EDWARD HOWARD, 35, a Black dentist appears with a pair of stainless silver pliers. He leans closer to his white male patient seated in farmer’s overalls.
DR. HOWARD
I promise you it wouldn’t hurt. I haven’t even touch you as yet.
FARMER
It hurts. I just know it will.
DR. HOWARD
What if I showed you that your teeth is already out and the pain is in your mind?
FARMER
How?
DR. HOWARD touches the back of the patient’s left ear and comes up with a tooth.
FARMER (CONT’D)
Aw! Aw! Aw!
The farmer is in shock as he steers at the tooth with his mouth wide open long enough for DR. HOWARD to go into his mouth with his pliers and swiftly extract the bad tooth.
FARMER (CONT’D)
I hardly felt that.
DR. HOWARD
Great. You see? It was all in your mind.
INT. DR. HOWARD’S HOME – NIGHT
DR. HOWARD opens the door and as he turns around his two daughters JOLYN, 6 years old, and CHARLOTTE 4 years old, gleeful runs into his arms. He lifts them both up and spins them around. He kisses them. He kisses his wife MRS. MARGARET HOWARD, a woman in her mid-twenties, fair and beautiful with grace and elegance.
MRS. HOWARD
Honey, we have a busy weekend. We may need extra help with the movie theater.
DR. HOWARD
Sweetie, can you not manage with the girls?
MRS. HOWARD
No. Unless you gonna be there to help us.
DR. HOWARD
Actually Sweetie, I have a poker tournament with the guys.
MRS. HOWARD
Now that’s not fair. The girls and I have the movie theater, the pop corn stand, and the burger grill.
JOLYN
MOTHER, I want to sell the popcorn.
CHARLOTTE
Me too.
JOLYN
When I grow up I want to sell pop corn.
CHARLOTTE
Me too.
DR. HOWARD
Now my dear children, a better idea is to own your own pop corn stands. When you own it, you get to keep the profits.
CHARLOTTE
What is profits daddy?
JOLYN
That’s the money you make after you pay for your expenses.
DR. HOWARD
Now JOLYN, that’s just brilliant.
JOLYN
When I grow up, I want to own my own movie theater.
(Laughter)
CHARLOTTE
Me too.
DR. HOWARD
That’s what I am talking about. You can do anything you set your mind to. See honey, the apple never falls far from the tree. We are raising entrepreneurs.
JOLYN
Daddy what is entrepaneer?
DR. HOWARD
People who own businesses.
MRS HOWARD
Honey, I am still waiting for your answer.
DR. HOWARD
Sweetie, I’ll get you all the extra help you need.
INT. DR. HOWARD’S HOME – DAY – 1942
14 year old JOLYN is cleaning her parents bathroom. She notices scales in the bathtub. She uses a broom and dust pan to sweep them up. She is puzzled. She comes out of the bathroom, passes her mother’s dresser and notices a letter from a doctor’s office. She takes out the letter from the open envelope. The words “MYCOSIS FUNGOIDES” catches her eyes, and then she silently reads the dreaded contents of the letter. She drops the letter and runs out of the room. She is fighting to hold back tears.
MRS. HOWARD
JOLYN, are you OK?
JOLYN ignores her mother and goes into her room and closes the door. She gets into a fetal position on the bed and she silently weeps. There is a knock on the door. DR. HOWARD walks in. He sits next to JOLYN and hands a travel magazine.
DR. HOWARD
I thought this will cheer you up.
DR. HOWARD opens the magazine and shows JOLYN a picture of the EIFFEL TOWER in PARIS. JOLYN wipes her eyes. Her eyes slowly fills with excitement. Then she is sad again.
JOLYN
Dad, can you take me there?
DR. HOWARD
This is a busy time for us. I don’t want to make promises I can’t keep. But one day, you will visit all these places. The world is a beautiful place and you will get to see all of it. (He hugs her).
JOLYN
But I want to go with you Dad.
DR. HOWARD
I am so sorry Sweetie. I can’t promise you that. But always remember that I love you.
INT. DR. HOWARD’S HOME – DAY – 1945
MRS. WHEELER, DR. HOWARD’S secretary walks into the living room. She takes JOLYN and CHARLOTTE by the hands and sits them down on the sofa. She is hesitant.
MRS. WHEELER
Your mother called this morning from the hospital. Your father died.
JOLYN is in shock. She stumbles off the couch. CHARLOTTE is screams. JOLYN holds onto CHARLOTTE. She looks out the window at the Post Office Plaza across the street. She sees people walking around, talking, and laughing. JOLYN watches the crowd from the window. She is angry.
JOLYN
What are you people laughing at? How can you do this? My father just died.
(Shouting)
EXT. DOWNTOWN CHICAGO – NIGHT
December 1999, CHARLOTTE invites JOLYN for a night out on the town to bring in the New Year. They walk into a busy night club bustling with youngsters.
CHARLOTTE
I don’t know about you, but these youngsters ain’t got nothing on me.
JOLYN
The young folks in Paris always invited me to parties. They even called me MOTHER.
CHARLOTTE
Well, we are no mothers tonight. We are the DYNAMIC DUO. (They both smile).
JOLYN
How about, Dynamic Duo for life?
The club is playing 1999 by PRINCE. They come across a heavy set woman on the dance floor. It is LUCY. LUCY runs and hugs JOLYN.
JOLYN (CONT’D)
Look at you, all dressed up and fancy.
LUCY
Life is good. I can’t complain.
JOLYN
I’m so happy to hear.
A gentleman politely interrupts their conversation to offer a drink to LUCY. It is TROY THOMAS.
JOLYN (CONT’D)
Hell, no. What on earth is going on here?
TROY THOMAS
Hello Mrs. Robichaux. It so nice to see you again. Let me explain.
LUCY
That’s OK Sweetie. I’ll handle it. You see what had had happened was, this fine gentleman here stepped in and swept me off my feet. He helped me raised my four kids, 3 girls who are now nurses, and the one boy, he is an engineer. We purchased this club. We living the high life.
TROY THOMAS
Yes, she straightened me out.
LUCY
As I tell him upfront, I am not putting up with any bullshit. He is a good man.
TROY kisses LUCY.
JOLYN
You know what. I am stunned, but I am so happy for you. Come here. Charlotte you knew about this?
CHARLOTTE
Yes. It was meant to be a surprise.
JOLYN hugs TROY and LUCY.
LUCY
So what about you? Are you still forcing Niggas to send out old receipts? (They all laugh).
FADE TO BLACK.
THE END
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Clendon -Solved Scene Problems!
[1] What I learned doing this assignment?
By analyzing a scene as a separate entity, I was able to find scenes that were a bit weak and didn’t challenge the characters.
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[2] Look through your script & identify any scenes that have any of these four problems.
A) Basic Scene Problems
B) Weak Scenes
C) Situations Don’t Challenge Characters
D) Cliché Scenes
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[3] For any scene problems you find, make the prescribed improvements.
The one scene that needed a lot of focus as it is pivotal for the protagonist and was a bit lacking in the beginning – see below.
INT. WORKOUT ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Without gloves or his wrists being wrapped, Klendon is pummeling a heavy bag. There is a wet, red circle on the gauze pad taped to his chest.
Natalie strides into the room — PUNCHES Klendon’s shoulder to get his attention. She throws the lab results in his face.
KLENDON “Don’t. I’m not in the mood.”
NATALIE “Couldn’t leave well enough alone. (shoves him) It’s not in your boy scout makeup!”
Klendon drops his hands, squeezes his eyes shut and bites down on his mouth piece. He cannot go there.
Natalie’s PUNCH takes him square in the jaw. Mouth piece GOES FLYING.
Klendon drops to one knee. Dazed. His face says it all: what the hell?! He can’t believe she hit him.
Natalie attacks: raining punches at Klendon. One blow splits open the gash above his right eye.
Covering up — Klendon retaliates with a vicious LEG SWEEP — drops Natalie to the floor mat.
Incredibly quick, she is up and attacking. Her athleticism, no match for Klendon’s years of intense training.
Klendon BODY SLAMS her to the mat.
NATALIE “I get my hands free, I’m going to break your face!”
Klendon pins her arms over her head.
KLENDON “You were never supposed to know. (yells it in her face) Never!”
NATALIE (through gritted teeth) “How long have you known?!”
Klendon says nothing. Struggle as she might, Natalie cannot break his hold.
NATALIE “Fuck you! Finish it.”
She exposes her neck to Klendon — daring him.
KLENDON “Why’d he do it?! You even know?”
Pushing up with her hips, Natalie struggles; unable to dislodge him, fuels her anger. Blood from the GASH on Klendon’s forehead drips on her cheek.
NATALIE “No! I don’t. He didn’t say a word.(screams in pain) God-damn him to hell! “
NATALIE’S FACE CRUMBLES AS SHE BURSTS INTO TEARS.
Klendon releases her.
Natalie scrambles to her feet. Incredibly, she starts punching, kicking. Sobbing. Grief-stricken.
Seeing red, Klendon RETALIATES: HITS HER TWICE in rapid succession — LUNGES for her — his hands around her throat.
NATALIE “Do it! Do it! I can’t live with this… Kill me, Klendon!”
Her body goes limp — stops fighting — wanting death.
Sliding his hands away from her throat, pinning her head to the mat with her hair, Klendon does the unthinkable.
EXTREME CLOSE UP. Klendon’s lips mashing Natalie’s — forcing her mouth open.
Natalie REACTS: arms and legs curl around Klendon — as the two KISS violently — taste of blood in each other’s mouth — TEARING at their clothing — desperate for relief from an unbearable pain — from the betrayal of a man they both love.
Klendon, between her legs, stabbing himself into her — jaw clinched — re-seeing:
MONTAGE – NATALIE AND KLENDON GROWING UP TOGETHER
— Skinny girl on a teeter totter waving hello to Klendon.
— Tweener on a park swing, urging Klendon to keep up.
— Fourteen and hanging upside down on the jungle gym bars sticking her tongue out at him.
END MONTAGE
And as the Rolodex of memories turn to a blur of quick cuts and noise… The pain in Klendon head subsides as passion displaces the ugliness he is struggling with.
DISSOLVE TO:
NATALIE on top, grinding her hips into Klendon with a shame she has never known — reliving warm smiles and moments of kindness Klendon gave away — TEASING one another while making sandwiches, buttering slices of bread and one another’s knuckles — PLAYING tag and hide-n-go-seek with the homeless children — Barbecues, water balloon fights — CHASING after one another– SCRATCHING Klendon’s forearm while grabbing for him…
MATCH CUT TO:
Same hand — FINGERNAILS CLAWING Klendon’s back — in the throes of a mind-altering orgasm. Climaxing together in a series moans and inarticulate cries: part pleasure, part pain.
FREEZE ON Klendon in ecstasy, oblivious to the blood running down his face or LEAKING through the gauze pad on his chest.
Natalie’s absolution: bloodied lip, black eye — grins through the tears, the blood, and sweat.
PULL BACK — reveal a young man and woman clinging to one another: bloodied, trembling, gasping for breath, afraid to let go of one another.
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What I learned doing this assignment is to be able to look deeper into scenes using the criteria described in this assignment. It helps to evaluate the strength of a scene from these different perspectives.
Mark’s Solved Scene Problems
Happy to report no Basic Scene Problems or Cliche Scenes. The Course must be working.
I did enhance a scene using the wound, and another one using the Secret.
I increased the stakes for my second lead based on a reveal of his old wound.
the antagonist role was strengthened by using other characters to view him.
Protagonist –
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Melanie’s Solved Scene Problems
What I learned: I had a lot of scenes that needed depth, so I’ve been revising dialogue. Writing at such a fast pace, I had neglected to put arcs in all of the scenes. I’ve also added a few more scenes to add depth to character – especially her father. I’m still working on adding arc to all of the scenes that need it but have included the scenes with her father that I’ve revised.
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Act 1: Dinner scene revision
INT. LUDINGTON FARMHOUSE – NIGHT
Sybil’s large family – her mother, father and eleven siblings sit around the farmhouse table. Sybil helps the youngest child, HENRY, cutting the meat in his stew.
The other boys – JACOB, GEORGE, WILLIAM – all eat quietly, listening intently to their father.
JACOB
Tell us a story, father.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
You want to hear any battle stories. They’re not for children.
His eyes are dark, mixed with anger, sadness.
GEORGE
Please, father. Just one.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
George. No.
HENRY
Please, father. Please.
Colonel pauses. Sybil watches him closely, marking his every word.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
It had been a long day of walking back home, some of the men were without proper boots. We decided to set up camp for the night in a small field with a dozen large oak trees surrounding it. When we heard something.
HENRY
What did you hear?
COLONEL LUDINGTON
It started as a faint beat.
BUM! BUM! He drummed his finger on the dinner table growing louder…BUM! BUM!
COLONEL LUDINGTON
Until…
BUM! He pounds the table with the palm of his hand. The children JUMP and so does his wife. Except for Sybil who listens calmly.
JACOB
What was it?
GEORGE
Was it the British?
COLONEL LUDINGTON
It was…
Emily eyes her husband as if to say don’t tell…
COLONEL LUDINGTON
A lone drummer looking for his band.
The kids LAUGH!
JACOB
Did you kill anyone, father?
George’s eyes light up while Mary, her sister, grimaces. Snickers from the others.
MARY
Jacob!
EMILY
Sybil, start cleaning up the dishes.
SYBIL
But I’m listening to his story.
EMILY
Sybil. I don’t want to ask you again.
Her mother’s look cuts her short, and she gets up stubbornly, going into the kitchen. From the adjoining room, though, Sybil listens, intently.
Her father’s jowl tightens, looking at each of his children in earnest.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
Hundreds of men lost their lives fighting for our country. Many of my soldiers. The ones that came back without limbs? They were the lucky ones.
JACOB
Yes, father. But did you kill anyone?
Silence at the table.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
Jacob, listen to me. In war you do what you need to do to stay alive. Whatever it takes.
HENRY
Father, can I fight when I’m older?
COLONEL LUDINGTON
Not with a bad leg, son.
Henry sinks in his chair, crestfallen. He pokes his wooden leg with a fork.
EMILY
Henry, enough of that. Leave it.
Sybil peeks from around the corner, dish in hand.
SYBIL
What is war like, father?
He bites into a piece of bread, stewing at her question.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
You have work to do.
He takes another bite of meat, looking away.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
I hope none of you ever have to know.
CUT TO:
Act 2: Addition of Mother and Father scene once Sybil has left
INT. LUDINGTON FARMHOUSE – NIGHT
The Messenger has fallen asleep from the pain. Doctor Freeman takes his pulse again, peering at him over his glasses. Emily looks out the window, straining for a glimpse of her daughter in the night.
EMILY
If you’re not going, then I will.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
I can’t leave, Emily. The British could be here any minute.
EMILY
Well, I can’t wait here.
She goes to grab her cape by the door, but the Colonel grabs her arm.
EMILY
She could be hurt out there.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
She did this to herself.
EMILY
She just wanted your approval. Your forgiveness. She did this to prove to you that she is worth your love.
Colonel Ludington joins her at the window.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
She’s my daughter, of course I love her.
EMILY
I know that but does she?
He looks out the window.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
She’ll be okay out there. She’s braver than all of our boys combined.
Emily turns from his embrace, angered.
EMILY
If the situation was reversed, she’d go after you in a heartbeat.
She briskly leaves him, going back down the hallway to their bedroom.
Act 2: Midpoint FB revision
FLASHBACK TO:
INT. LUDINGTON FARM – DAY
Doctor Freeman works over Henry’s bleeding leg. All of Sybil’s siblings have gathered around him while his mother holds him. He SOBS in pain.
HENRY
Mommy!
Sybil stands awkwardly at the door. Her face whiter than a ghost.
EMILY
Please tell me you save the leg, Doctor. Please.
He uses a tourniquet on the leg to stop the bleeding. He draws it tighter.
SCREAM. Henry is covered in blood. As is Sybil.
EMILY
You’ll be okay, my sweet boy. It will be over soon.
She kisses his sweaty forehead.
The Doctor looks up, his hands shaking.
DOCTOR FREEMAN
It’s not good.
EMILY
Please.
DOCTOR FREEMAN
He’ll die if we don’t take it, I’m afraid.
Margaret, Sybil’s sister, GASPS. Sybil sinks to the floor in tears.
The Doctor turns to Emily.
DOCTOR FREEMAN
Yarrow. I need yarrow.
EMILY
Children. Quickly! Help the doctor.
DOCTOR FREEMAN
It’s a small white flower. It takes away the pain on animals. I don’t know, it’s worth a try. Hurry!
Sybil and the children run out of the house in search of the flower.
The old man hands Emily a stick.
DOCTOR FREEMAN
For the pain. This will hurt.
Sybil’s eyes go wide on the porch and we hear a SCREAM from inside the house…
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Pam’s Scene Problems
What I learned: I went through all of my scenes (both outlines and actual scenes) and made sure I was clear re: Purpose/Moving Forward/Conflict/Arc. It was extremely tedious, but very worthwhile.
I still have to go thru and finish writing many of my scenes, but I feel that the structure is sound. And will write with the above 4 items in the forefront as I create.
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Dave Holloway’s Solved Scene Problems!
What I learned doing this assignment is that there are innumerable ways of improving a scene, including having one of the characters reveal more of his personality in it by concentrating more of the scene on him.
EXT. OLYMPIA – DAY
Roger, Amelia and Nigel ride into Olympia. The land is mostly flat and covered with brush, broken up by gentle slopes surmounted by trees.
AMELIA: Four rich families founded Olympia and decided they would only admit whites. They’re proud of being self-sufficient, so they don’t have much contact with the other states. They do a lot of ranching and farming, and there are some towns, but no big cities. Some of the soldiers in their army came from other states.
NIGEL: There was always a strong undercurrent of racism in America, wasn’t there.
AMELIA: It had gotten better in the final decades of the country, I think. But America broke up before they could overcome it completely.
From off to the right comes the sound of galloping hooves. They see a small group on horseback, stirring up dust as they approach. The horses slow as they come near the three. Ten young white men regard them in silence for a moment. The LEADER guides his horse forward and addresses them.
LEADER: What are you people headed?
NIGEL: Just trying to get across to the train station. We’re traveling to Shiloh.
LEADER: What do you want in Shiloh?
Roger speaks somewhat belligerently.
ROGER: None of your concern. Who are you?
LEADER: We’re Guardians. We enforce the law in Olympia.
ROGER: Anyone appoint you? Or did you take it on yourselves to keep people in line?
The leader eyes him suspiciously.
LEADER: Our laws are pretty simple. We make sure they’re followed. Where are you from?
NIGEL: We’re from England.
ROGER: If we were black, would you try to make us turn around?
A note of hostility enters the leader’s voice.
LEADER: We allow all minorities two days to make safe passage through our state. Only people of European ancestry are allowed to remain.
Roger’s voice grows testy.
ROGER: I’m of European ancestry. What if I ask a friend of African ancestry to stay with me.
There’s a silence.
LEADER: We would convince your friend to leave.
Roger grows a bit more angry.
ROGER: How would you do that?
LEADER: By making him aware of our laws. If he tried to resist, we would escort him to the border.
ROGER: You sound like bloody fascists.
LEADER: White people own this state. We have the right to exclude whoever we want. We’re proud of Olympia.
ROGER: You look like little boys who’ve seen too many cowboy movies.
The Leader speaks tersely.
LEADER: You’re advised to leave, or you’ll get in over your head.
Roger’s eyes spark with anger.
ROGER: You couldn’t make me do anything without those Boy Scouts backing you up.
He nods toward the other Guardians.
LEADER: Care to find out if I can?
They stare at each other for several moments. The Leader gets off his horse. Roger does the same. They’re silent for a moment, then come together, tearing at each other, trying to get a good hold. The Leader punches Roger in the chin, then Roger hits him with a left and a roundhouse right that sends the leader to the ground, unconscious. Roger looks at him for a moment, then addresses the other Guardians contemptuously.
ROGER: Best tend to your comrade. He needs a bit of help..
The Guardians watch as Roger mounts his horse, and the three slowly ride away.
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Sandra Solved Scene Problems
What I learned doing this assignment is how to make scenes stronger by focusing on interest techniques, raising the stakes, increasing the conflict, and strengthening the scene arc.
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Fred’s Solved Scene Problems
What I learned doing this assignment is that each scene can be tweaked in different areas to create more conflict/intrigue/purpose/etc. I will be able to use this technique time and time again later on in the revision process.
Notes for script Ending
Father is not forgiven by Jin’s grandparents but he comes to the ritual hand in hand with Jin
goes to the kitchen and starts working on the food with the women
Becoming financially independent of father can be an obstacle
Funeral scene:
Good location for family dynamic
seeing his cousin for the first time in years
Mother is in pain and everyone around her is grieving with her
Dad is rendered useless because he doesn’t know anyone and cant help out
Takes son on a distraction adventure to guard him from reality but mom is annoyed that he decided to go out for fun while she’s been dealing with arrangementsReasons for infidelity
needs some validation
Father has sufficient argument to balance out the discussionConsequences
protagonist should have a lot to lose in the beginning so that throughout the story he takes losses and pain
No tension if he isn’t suffering at allTwist
jin feels for the illegitimate son because he has watched his mom be abandoned by all her family members
Mistress started out as an enemy but jin wants to help her nowBit
Assigning kid to watch garlic when cooking bbq
Like handing off responsibility
Can be inclusive or bossyToddler can comfort mistress when she is crying, patting her back and asking whats wrong even if he doesnt know whats the problem
Adults say they kept the problem to themselves because this was their responsibility, had to keep Jin from having a troubled childhood, but he feels cheated for having been left out of the truth/secret
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Gayle Solved Scene Problems
What I learned doing this assignment is that I consider this still a pre-draft, not even a 1<sup>st</sup> draft let alone 2<sup>nd</sup> and should identify the scene flow and anything that stops the momentum should be re-done before sitting down to just write it out.
SCENE PROBLEMS
A) Basic Scene Problems
B) Weak Scenes
C) Situations Don’t Challenge
Characters
D) Cliché ScenesDeleted scenes that interrupted the story flow.
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