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Post Your Lesson 9 Assignment here
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Renee Brown Dialogue 4-6
What I learned: With each sweep of dialogue, I see room for improvement on lines I thought did the job.
Below: orig. dialogue in Bold, new is underlined.
SET UP / PAY OFF
example 1:
Set up:
CONTROL OFFICER
This’ll mess with ‘em.
(new set up)
I know you like to watch. Wanna see em squirm?
Pay off:
VOICE ON TRANSMISSION (O.S.)
I don’t know, Sir. No explosion. It just…disappeared.
VOICE 2 ON TRANSMISSSION (O.S.)
It can’t just disappear, son.
(new pay off)
It’s not a rabbit in a hat, son. It’s a 90 million dollar package the size of a school bus.
example 2:
Set up:
CONTROL OFFICER
There. That’s a big one.
(new set up)
That one. NASA’s GPS.
ANTICIPATORY DIALOUGE
example 1:
CONTROL OFFICER
He’s had us cloak it ever since it passed Neptune. You uncloak THAT and humans will crack. I mean crack.
(new anticipatory)
He cloaked it when it passed Neptune. You uncloak THAT, and your father will go super nova… and humans will crack. I mean crack.
example 2:
GROT
Come on. No more scrolls … Don’t tell me you haven’t thought of it.
TALLAS
No. I have not.
(new anticipatory)
It’s not enough I am the scribe of this lie? You now ask me to become the deception?
IRONIC DIALOUGE
example 1:Words opposite words
AURORA
That’s kinda mean.
(new Ironic)
That’s mean. Do another one.
example 2: Words opposite character
GROT
Be what your people need. The truth is irrelevant.
TALLAS
The truth is our life.
GROT
It’s all a fabrication. No matter what. So make it a good one.
example 3:Words opposite action (this is after a scene where Dauntus beats his son brutally. Now he talks to him like nothing much just happened.) Also, the (or) +dialogue are place holders for me playing with another way to say it. underlining the one I’m leaning towards.
Dauntus turns on his heel and marches past his son, pausing for a brief assessment.
DAUNTUS
Looks like you’re good for something after all.
(or)
So you’re not a total loss.
(or)
Look at that. Not a total loss after all.
He marches out of the room — calling back.
DAUNTUS
Clean yourself up. Find your sister. We have work to do.
(or)
Clean up! We have work to do.
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Sherri D. Coffee Module 4 Lesson 9 Dialogue 4 – 6
What I learned was to check for setup/payoff and to add anticipatory dialogue to increase intrigue and interest.
Setup/payoff:
Before: “Your mother is upstairs with Mr. Steele. Stable yourself. He has lost about 60 pounds since you last saw him but his mind is strong.”
After: “Your mother is upstairs with Mr. Steel.”
Grace grabs the paper and runs up the steps.
“Stable yourself”
Grace enters the room and sees an emaciated figure of the man she knew.
Anticipatory dialogue:
Before: “I just came to deliver the documents you requested on the issue we killed last year. We expect it to return”
After: “Here are the documents you requested. We killed the bill last year in the committee”
Wilson reviews the documents.
“This bill was refiled yesterday.”
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Emmanuel Sullivan Dialogue 3 – 5
What I learned doing this assignment is setup/payoff dialogue should be weaved into the script more often, anticipatory when needed and irony sprinkled in, which makes for a dynamic read when you are mindful of these skills.
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What I learned is that I’ll be taking several more passes through my dialogue and I’m really enjoying this. I already knew about some of the dialogue techniques but this framework sheds a whole new light. Below are some examples of what I changed.
Anticipatory:
AFTER:
DR. WILLIAMS
It’s Doctor Williams. I have a preliminary cause of death. It’s complicated and a little weird. Firstly, both Steve and Anna were drugged then slashed across the arms, legs, and chest. Their bodies were picked over most likely by crows, ravens, coyotes, maybe a bear.
JESS
Are you saying they would have survived.
DR. WILLIAMS
I believe they were already dead. But a second opinion would confirm that. There’s a Doctor Chris Johnson who specializes in animal injuries. I’m going to ask her to drive up here tomorrow to examine the bodies.
JESS
Whoever killed them meant to?
DR. WILLIAMS
Yes. But if their bodies hadn’t been discovered when they were much of the evidence would have been lost.
JESS
Either they hung around to watch or were sure that no-one would pass through.
DR. WILLIAMS
The preliminary toxicology screen shows no recreational drugs in their system, but I found traces of cocaine on Steve’s hands. If anything he was handling.
JESS
Good to know.
BEFORE:
DR. WILLIAMS
It’s Doctor Williams. I have a preliminary cause of death. It’s complicated and a little weird. Firstly, both Steve and Anna were drugged then slashed across the arms, legs, and chest. Their bodies were picked over most likely by crows, ravens, coyotes, maybe a bear. I think that’s what killed them in the end.
JESS
Are you saying they would have survived if it wasn’t for the birds and animals.
DR. WILLIAMS
I believe so. But a second opinion would confirm that. There’s a Doctor Chris Johnson who specializes in animal injuries. I’m going to ask her to drive up here tomorrow to examine the bodies.
JESS
How long did it take them to die?
DR. WILLIAMS
I would say two hours. It would have been a painful death.
JESS
Whoever killed them would have known that?
DR. WILLIAMS
Most likely. The killer took a chance. Someone could have interrupted them.
JESS
Either they hung around to watch or were sure that no-one would pass through.
DR. WILLIAMS
The preliminary toxicology screen shows no recreational drugs in their system.
JESS
Good to know.
Set Up/Payoff/Irony
AFTER:
Sarah moves closer to Jess.
SARAH
Maybe we can catch up later.
JESS
Everything okay?
SARAH
I just heard about the murders. Whole town is talking about them.
JESS
We wanted to keep everything quiet until tomorrow afternoon’s news conference.
SARAH
There are no secrets in a small town.
JESS
(pointedly)
There are always some.
SARAH
Not as many as you think.
JESS
You’re right. There’s more.
SARAH
I gotta go.
Jess sips on her beer as she watches Sarah walk away towards MAYOR HARRIS (55).
She checks her phone “no new messages”.
BEFORE:
Sarah moves closer to Jess.
SARAH
Maybe we can catch up later.
JESS
Everything okay?
SARAH
I just heard about the murders.
Whole town is talking about them.
JESS
We wanted to keep everything quiet until tomorrow afternoon’s news conference.
SARAH
There are no secrets in a small town.
JESS
There are always some.
Jess sips on her beer as she watches Sarah walk away towards MAYOR HARRIS (55).
She checks her phone “no new messages”.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Barbara Gilmore.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by
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Daniel Melin’s Dialogue 4-6
What I learned doing this assignment is actually how well doing the heavily lifting of building intrigue and such early already accomplished a lot of these goals. I still had the opportunity to make sure I was capitalizing on future conflicts to sow the seeds earlier, particularly in scenes with my hero and his most immediate antagonist.
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