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Request for Exchange on Essence Outlines
Hi everyone,
Please post here to find exchange partners for your essence outlines.
Thanks!
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187 Replies
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Jim Peacock – Request for Feedback Exchange
Here is my latest Story Logic Web, with plot in structure:
Concept: A painfully shy overweight hacker, Jake (skinny to his friends) stumbles upon a plot by a middle eastern militia umbrella group (Hashd al-Shaabi) to awaken a loose group of loyalists inside the US military to help deploy a dirty bomb (EMP) over the US. He then must run from them and the FBI as he works to prevent the general’s plot, all while finally opening his heart and falling in love with his female alter ego.
Plot Choice: #9 Underdog and #13 Maturation/#14 Love. 2 equal plots, not a subplot.
Lead Characters:
Protagonist, Jake: The painfully shy 20ish computer geek who discovers the plot
Antagonist, The General: Powerful leader of a group of middle eastern militia
Mary: Geeky girl next door who undertakes a trip of discovery with Jake
Jean Claude: Conspiracy theorist who joins the movement to defend the US
Harry: Jake’s older brother who provides the muscle
Protagonist Character Arc: Jake goes from a lonely boy unable to interact with humans on a personal face-to-face basis – and unwilling to let anyone else into his world – to a man willing to take on the world to save the one person he has finally let into his heart.
Part to be changed: Ability to risk letting people into his life
Biggest fear: Being abandoned and hurt again
Completion of arc: Jake is able to let Mary into his life, and this maturation process also results in his being able to take on a strong antagonist.
Plot in Structure:
Opening Sequence
EXT. NYC SIDEWALK – DAY
Jake eyes glued to the ground, arms wrapped around his laptop, is tripped and made fun of by a bank security guard. He vows revenge under his breath.
INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
He chats on the dark web with his only pseudo-friend Jean Claude – another geek in Canada. We learn that Jake is alone in the world. His parents abandoned him at 17 after he got out of juvi for hacking his school to fix his grades. His macho brother Harry has always thought he was a dingleberry. But on this night Jake seeks revenge by hacking into the bank and sending a ransomware note for $1million. That’s how pissed he is. We learn this is what he does “for a living”, sending ransomware to small companies for only a small % of their assets $3 or 4,000, enough to cover his living expenses. He’s a nice ransomware guy.
Inciting Incident:
INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Jean Claude calls Jake telling him there’s chatter on the dark web about some middle eastern militia coming after him. Clueless, Jake sees black vans pull up outside, so he grabs his computer and runs out his apartment door.
INT. HALLWAY/MARY’S APARTMENT – CONTINUOUS
Jake runs into Mary, his doppelgänger (mousy, a bit heavy, geekish, dark complexion, Persian decent) in the hallway, coming in from working third shift at Denny’s. As men storm up the steps Mary pulls him into her apartment just in time. They watch as unknown GI’s storm his apartment and search for him. They in turn are interrupted by the FBI pulling up below and running inside. They beat it just in time themselves. The FBI, who had been watching and listening for weeks re his ransom attacks, search his apartment and assume he’s been kidnapped. Jake calls Jean Claude for more info, who convinces him it’s a vast CIA conspiracy. He convinces them to run, and he decides to steal his mom’s car and come down to help them escape. Jake calls his brother for advice. Harry, a NYC beat cop, tells him to go to the police.
INT. FBI FIELD OFFICE, NEW YORK – DAY
Agent Terry tries to figure out what happened to Jake. He enlists the help of brother Harry who knows nothing.
EXT. TERRORIST TRAINING CAMP AFGHANISTAN – DAY
The General is pissed that someone has hacked into the money-laundering bank he owns in NYC. He’s more pissed that his men let Jake get away. What does he know? Why did he hack the bank? How powerful is this man? Is it the CIA?
INT. MARY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
They’ll make a run for it tomorrow. But for now, they’re alone. Neither has ever been kissed, so the intimacy is scary. He won’t sleep in her bed, so she sleeps on the LR floor with him. She’s scared. They don’t touch but after Jake is asleep Mary continues looking at him. We don’t know what that means.
By page 10:
INT. MARY’S APARTMENT – MORNING
Jean Claude arrives and pushes a conspiracy theory that it’s all a CIA plot; convinces Jake and Mary to run. They agree.INT CAR – DAY
The Trio is being chased by the FBI, and after a chase they are caught. We start to see a transformation in Jake as he stares the agents down.
First turning point:
INT. FBI FIELD OFFICE – DAY
Trio meet with Jake’s brother and are then interrogated, told a bit about the general (not everything). They have a choice: jail time or help them catch the general – in France. They agree but
EXT. CAR – DAY
as soon as they are set free, and in response to Jean Claude’s conspiracies, then make a run for the Canadian border, closely pursued by a group of middle eastern men in US Army uniforms. They make it across as the Army men break to a stop. They don’t want to expose their movement by going across an international border.
EXT. TERRORIST TRAINING CAMP AFGHANISTAN – DAY
The General is furious once again that Jake has escaped. What does he know? He could bring down the entire operation unless they find out what he knows. We learn the extent of the general’s plan and meet his mignons both by his side and embedded in the US military.
Midpoint:
INT. SHABBY VILLA – CANADIAN WILDERNESS – DAY
The trio go to Jean Claude’s uncle’s remote cabin, uncle Jules, also an avid conspiracy theorist. Jake calls his brother Harry on background, who after encouraging them to come in, explains what he knows about the General. Jake logs back into the bank and discovers the details of the plot: to awaken US military members loyal to his cause and get him access to an Electromagnetic Pulse bomb to wipe out all communications in the Eastern half of the US. Although they have escaped, Jake makes the decision to go back to defeat the general and his evil plan.
MEANWHILE: Jake and Mary continue to become closer – but only in glances, brushes of the skin, then Mary asking to be held at night. Mary and Jean Claude fight constantly, both accusing the other of being in on the general’s plot. And both have “evidence”. (1 set was planted). Jake must make a decision but not now.
Second turning point:
INT. SHABBY VILLA – COTINUOUS/ FBI HEADQUARTERSJake reaches out to Harry who, after being told of the scheme, then telling the FBI and being rebuffed by them, agrees to help. He takes his small plane low across the border and meets them.
Jake checks his Cayman bank account (!) and finds it frozen! But uncle Jules calls in a favor, a trapper with a plane that can get them into where the General has his lair. [Canada, France, Beirut, Kabul, Siberia?]
The four fly off to the General’s lair with the help of the trapper.
INT. NEAR THE GENERAL’S LAIR – DAY
Harry holds target practice with Jake. The four are hiding out near the lair when tensions between Mary and Jean Claude boil over as both show “proof” of involvement with the General. Ultimately Mary shoots Jean Claude and runs out. She doesn’t come back.
Crisis:
INT. FRENCH VILLAGE – NIGHTThe group discovers that Mary has been kidnapped by the general and held hostage until Jake tells them what he knows. Instead, Jake hacks back into the bank and freezes all their assets – $1.5 billion. The general is livid and threatens to kill her.
Climax:
EXT. LAIR – NIGHT
Jake and Harry find the General’s hiding place and find Mary with him (who doesn’t seem to be very captive). They are suspicious but she proves her loyalty by helping them kill the general’s evil mignons. Harry and Jake confront the General and when he begins to draw a weapon Jake pulls the trigger and kills him.
Resolution:
INT. LAIR – NIGHT
The loving couple are reunited and embrace and kiss for the first time. But as the credits roll, we see an evil glint in Mary’s eyes. She is still dedicated to the General’s cause, even if it required sacrificing her uncle the General.
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Day 8 assignment
Plot/Structure:
from the dark web, Jean Claude, warns him of an attack. Jake is nervous and afraid, calls his brother.
Inciting Incident: Jake’s apartment is invaded by killers, and he narrowly escapes by hiding in Mary’s apartment. The FBI also comes looking for him. Jake calls for help from his older brother Harry who is a detective with the NYC police. He tells Jake to call the police.
By page 10: Jean Claude, a conspiracy theorist, arrives from Canada with his mother’s stolen car and the 3 run away. At this point we know that the trio must evade whoever is chasing them. We’ve also seen the General and know why.
First turning point at end of Act 1: FBI catches them and tells them to help capture the general. They agree, but then run. Harry tells them to turn themselves in.
Mid-Point: They discover the full extent of the General’s evil plan and decide it’s up to them to save the country. They travel to Jean Claude’s uncle’s hut for guidance. Jake calls is brother Harry for help. Mary and Jean Claude constantly fight.
Second turning point at end of Act 2: The trio is surrounded by the general, and Jake must decide which friend is real and which is in on the plot. Both is accused by the other. Jean Claude is shot and wounded by Mary and is left behind. Mary helps them escape.
Crisis: The general kidnaps Mary and demands to know what Jake knows. Tells Jake to get to a computer and return the money and then come to his lair to explain what he knows. Then “he’ll be released”.
Climax: Jake takes all the bank’s assets – 2.5 billion and makes plan to swap himself for Mary. Once there, the General reveals that Mary is his niece and in on the plot. Jake and The General come face to face when he and his brother invade the general’s compound and kill his mignons. Jake kills the general when he draws a gun.
Resolution: Jake and Mary get together and hug. But as credits roll, Mary’s eyes reveal that she’s still dedicated to the plot against America. She sacrificed her uncle, the general, to maintain her cover.
Character Arc: Jake evolves from a shy kid who can’t make eye contact, to a leader who is ultimately able to open his heart and risk all for love.
Main Conflict, Dramatic Question, Dilemma: Can Jake defeat the general and his evil plan? Can Jake open his heart and find love?
Theme: It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
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I would be honored to exchange! If you can possibly wait until tomorrow? I’ll be able to be back on classwork tomorrow afternoon/evening. No worries if that doesn’t meet your timeline~
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Elizabeth of course! Tomorrow or the next is fine. Thanks. I’ll do the same. I assume we post here?
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Hoping this goes to Jim Peacock:
Hey, I assume so (it IS a little confusing). Excited to read Right Now!
I’ll post mine below if you feel so inclined…
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It worked!
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Hey Jim,
Loved the concept of geeks versus US Govt. AND Jihad—with a smattering of conspiracy theory folks to shake it up. Plenty of opportunity for high stakes and twists/turns for a Thriller! I know this is a high level document (few details), but I was intrigued and wanted to know particulars, which means I was hooked. I don’t know if you’ve taken Hal’s thriller class, but I found myself excited to see how you’ll do that mystery/suspense/intrigue-stacking and expecting you’ll discover many great ways to lead the audience astray (conspiracy theories and Jake’s brother, especially, come to mind—if we worry/wonder a lot (as we already do, but maybe even more) about who the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ guys really are). Maybe calling into question the ‘goodness’ of the brother could be interesting? I was also interested in why, exactly (the backstory), the FBI thought these non-gvt hacker characters could be such a bit part of a government plan (and what the gvt’s role was in that plan) to catch the general, and am looking forward to seeing how this more particularly plays out in Act III.
I love the idea of running the romance as a main plot (as opposed to it showing up early-Act II). Looking forward to seeing how the action plot weaves with this, to drive home the theme (romance-based) and was wondering if you want to make sure that romance theme is clear, too, by Pg. 10 when we learn what the story is ‘about.’
I also wondered: (a job hazard of mine) about Jake’s desire for revenge that drives him into the story, but also seems to be a character trait. Is this going to play a role in his arc and if so how? I found myself wondering if you’ll build in more difficulty with assertiveness/aggression (i.e.: is he afraid to pick up a gun?) at the beginning, to make his arc more dramatic. I’m guessing your characters will grow a lot during the character module—it will be fun to see!
Finally, great work capturing character in description (sorry, I know that’s outside the scope of this assignment, but just had to say…)
Enjoy the rest of this class!
Elizabeth Koenig
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Elizabeth Koenig.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Elizabeth Koenig.
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Elizabeth, what great feedback. Very helpful and I’ve been scribbling notes to myself as I read. Yes, I just completed Hal’s Thriller class, and this script came from what I worked on in that class!
Love the idea about making Harry’s loyalty not a sure thing. It’s all about making the loyalties and agendas of every character a question mark. Some of your questions are already answered, but others are not and I need to develop these all significnatly more – hopefully in the character module.
Thank you!
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Can’t wait to see!
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by
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Request for Feedback Exchange
Rob Bertrand – SLW Version 1
Concept: A traumatized teenager becomes convinced that her house is haunted, only to discover an obsessed teenage boy living in the walls, pretending to be her dead mother.
Plot Choice: #7 The Riddle: This one challenges the viewer to solve the riddle before the protagonist.
Character Structure: Dramatic Triangle
Lead Characters:
Protagonist: Annie Andrews is a high school senior, dealing with the recent loss of her mother and struggling with her sexuality. Has a crush on her best friend.
Monster Bait: Jocelyn Wilcox is Annie’s best friend and enjoys the attention she gets from Annie’s crush.
Protagonist: Danny Laplante is a high school dropout, who’s obsession for Annie drives him to live inside her walls. He’s dangerously jealous over Annie and Jocelyn’s relationship.
Side Character: Jessica Andrews, 12, since the death of her mom, she’s become obsessed with horror movies. Character adds some comedic relief.
Side Character: Jack Andrews is an overworked father, dealing with the loss of his wife and believes that Annie is faking the paranormal occurrences for attention.
Character Arc: Annie Andrews goes from a people pleasing teenager lacking self-esteem, to a confident, self-assured adult.
Part to be changed: Guilt over the death of her mother.
Biggest fear: Rejection by her father.
Completion of arc: Annie finds the courage to come out to her father.Dramatic Question: Can a traumatized teenager overcome the guilt of her mom’s death and defeat the monster haunting her home?
Main Conflict: No one believes Annie’s claims of paranormal activity and thinks she’s faking it for attention.
Dilemma: Danny Laplante is hiding in the walls, playing demented mind games.
Theme: Childhood is over the moment you realize that monsters are real.
Plot/Structure:
Opening: Annie Andrews drives her drunk parents’ home from a wedding and is involved in a serious accident. Nora Andrews (mom) dies on the scene.
Inciting Incident: At the funeral reception, Annie Andrews is embarrassed by her drunken intolerant father’s comments about gay people.
By Page 10, you know what the movie is about: Annie’s father sets her up on a blind date with a new kid in town. Jocelyn convinces Annie to go as a joke.
First Turning Point, End of Act 1: Annie goes to the fair with Danny, who turns out to be the complete opposite of how he described himself. All he wants to talk about is Annie’s dead mother. Jocelyn follows from afar, sending messages to Annie. Danny is not in on the joke. Annie ends up rejecting Danny.
Mid-Point: After experiencing paranormal activity, Annie performs a séance with her little sister and Jocelyn, to speak with her dead mother. Annie is caught by her father.
Second Turning Point, End of Act 2: The paranormal activity increases and Annie is accused of faking it. Jocelyn is attacked and hospitalized. Jocelyn breaks up with Annie.
Crisis: After a period of calm, the paranormal activity returns, directed at Annie. After they are attacked, Annie and her sister run to the neighbors. Annie’s father investigates the house and disappears.
Climax: Annie discovers Danny has been living in the walls and must rescue her father before he’s killed.
Resolution: Annie finds the courage to come out to her father, who’s surprisingly supportive. Annie’s father quits drinking and the family moves away.
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Hi, Rob. I’d be happy to exchange feedback if you like.
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Absolutely. I’ll dive into your SLW tonight and try and get you feedback by tomorrow. Thanks!
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Hey, Rob. I think we send feedback via mail?? Mine is spwriter@yahoo.com
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Hello to both of you guys! Taking Jim’s lead, here’s my email, if either or both of you are interested in exchanging?
Good to ‘meet’ you!
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Quincy (Quinn) SLW Version 1
Concept: A serial killer uses the unborn twin a woman absorbed in utero to go on a killing spree.
Character Structure: Dramatic Triangle
Lead Characters:
- Cassandra (Cassie): Is a young woman who has been having nightmares that she has been killing people, only to discover the nightmares are real.
- Helen: The unborn twin who is inhabiting Cassie’s body at night and committing murders.
- Dr. Seth Bellerophon: The psychiatrist who is treating Cassie. He is a serial killer using Helen as his weapon.
- Det. Jim Wallace: The detective assigned to the serial killer case. He suspects Cassie is connected.
Plot/Structure:
#5 Escape – Your hero is confined against his will (often unjustly) and wants to escape. In this case, the hero is the victim. The natural progression: imprisonment, initial attempts to escape fail, new plan is made that is also thwarted, and finally, the actual escape.
- Opening: Cassie has a dream that she murders someone violently.
- Inciting Incident: Cassie walks on the scene of the crime and Wallace notices her reaction.
- Page 10: Cassie goes to Dr. Bellerophon, the therapist she has been seeing for trauma, to get help with the dreams.
- First Turning Point/End of Act I: Cassie wakes up covered in blood.
- Mid-Point: Helen makes herself known to Cassie by talking to her in the mirror and tells her about her plan.
- Second Turning Point/End of Act II: Helen takes over
- Crisis: Cassie discovers Bellerophon is a serial killer who has been purposefully drawing Helen out and using her as a tool to commit murder. He has been promising Helen he can find her a body if she kills.
- Climax: Cassie kills Bellerophon, but gets away with the murder.
- Resolution: Helen is fully in charge now.
Character Arc:
- Part to be changed: Cassie is timid and afraid to take actions.
- Biggest fear: Her actions will end up hurting someone.
- Completion of arc: She becomes a killer.
Main Conflict, Dramatic Question, Dilemma:
- Dramatic Question: Can Cassie and Helen stop Bellerophon from using them as his murder tool?
- Main Conflict: Bellerophon has promised Helen a body, but only after she succeeds in killing everyone on his list.
- Dilemma: Cassie begins to understand Helen’s plight – she just wants a real life of her own. But, she’s killing to try to make it happen.
Theme: Everyone is corruptible.
Outline/Plot in Structure:
FADE IN
Opening: Cassie has a dream that she murders someone violently.
1. EXT. ALLEYWAY – NIGHT
A homeless man is hunted down and brutally murdered by CASSIE, early 20s with two different colored eyes.
2. INT. CASSIE’S BEDROOM – 3:47 AM
Cassie wakes up screaming. She realizes it’s a dream and writes the dream in her dream journal. She gets out of bed.
3. INT. CASSIE’S BATHROOM – MINUTES LATER
Cassie washes her face in the bathroom sink. She dries off and stares at her reflection. She focuses on the reflection of her left eye. Her alarm offscreen goes off. It’s 5:00 AM. Cassie jumps and comes out of her daze. She turns off the alarm and prepares for her day.
4. INT. COFFEE SHOP – MORNING
Cassie has an incident where someone cuts in front of her and she doesn’t do or say anything. There is a brief moment with the female barista behind the counter flirting with her.
Inciting Incident: Cassie happens upon a murder scene which matches her dream.
5. EXT. CITY STREETS – MINUTES LATER
Cassie, on her way to work, happens upon a crime scene blocked off by police. The coroners wheel a shrouded body to the van. Cassie glimpses the scene and sees that it matches her dream. She drops her coffee and rushes away from the scene. DETECTIVE JIM WALLACE, late 20s, fit, notices her.
Page 10: Cassie goes to Dr. Bellerophon, the therapist she has been seeing for trauma, to get help with the dreams.
6. INT. DR BELLEROPHON’S OFFICE – LATER
Cassie tells Bellerophon about her dream and coming upon the murder scene. She tells him about not feeling like she’s the one looking back in the mirror. BELLEROPHON, 50s, cliched professional, assures her it’s coincidence and talks to her about her condition with nightmares. He prescribes her a new medicine for her to take.
7. INT. COFFEE SHOP – AFTERNOON
Cassie is back in the coffee shop. She has another moment with the barista from the morning. Cassie almost brings herself to ask the woman out, but can’t pluck up the courage.
8. EXT. CITY STREETS – NIGHT
A couple leave a late night movie. Cassie springs out from an alley and kills the husband. The wife runs, but Cassie chases her down and slaughters her.
First Turning Point/End of Act I: Cassie wakes up covered in blood.
9. INT. CASSIE’S ROOM – 3:47 AM
Cassie wakes up screaming again. She goes to write in her journal and notices what looks like dried blood under her fingernail. She rushes to the bathroom to wash up.
10. INT. CASSIE’S BATHROOM – MOMENTS LATER
Cassie is sobbing washing her hands, trying to get the blood out from beneath her finger nails. She looks up at her reflection to see, for the briefest of seconds, the evil rictus on her own face. She leaves the bathroom.
11. INT. CASSIE’S BEDROOM – MOMENTS LATER
Cassie calls Dr. Bellerophon in a panic. He assures her it is nothing, but tells her to come to his office when they open. Cassie re-opens the dream journal and sees that there are entries written in a different hand-writing with disturbing messages.
12. EXT. CITY STREETS – MORNING
Cassie is walking to her appointment. She bumps into Detective Wallace. Wallace tells her he noticed her at the previous murder and when another murder came up this morning with a similar MO he was curious. He had her followed to see where she went. It’s almost an interrogation. At the end he gives her his card and tells her he’ll keep in touch. Cassie goes into the building.
13. INT. BELLEROPHON’S OFFICE – LATER
Cassie is beside herself. She tells Bellerophon about the blood and shows him her dream journal. Bellerophon tells her it’s okay and tries to calm her down. He gives her something to drink. She calms down, almost to the point of passing out. Bellerophon says a strange phrase. Cassie’s eyes snap open.
It’s HELEN he’s talking to now. He chastises her for being sloppy, and for writing in the dream journal. Helen reminds him of his promise to get her a different body so she can be autonomous. Bellerophon chastises her again, but says he’ll keep his promise. He says another phrase and Helen goes under. He rips the pages Helen wrote on out of the dream journal.
Bellerophon brings Cassie back, but still under his control and gives her the suggestion that she will forget about the blood and will “not notice” any missing pages in her journal. She acquiesces. He brings her back full and assures her everything will be okay.
14. EXT. CITY STREETS – LATER
Cassie is passing by the coffee shop. The woman who keeps flirting with her comes out and calls to her. She said she was worried when Cassie didn’t show up for her normal coffee. After some awkward conversation, the woman asks Cassie out for a drink. Cassie initially refuses, but ends up agreeing.
15. INT. NIGHTCLUB – EVENING
Cassie and the woman from the coffee shop are having a drink at the table, getting to know one another. It’s a pleasant conversation, but when the woman asks Cassie to dance, Cassie balks. She excuses herself from the table and goes to the ladies room.
16. INT NIGHTCLUB LADIES ROOM – MOMENTS LATER
Cassie washes her hands and looks in the mirror. The rictus on her reflection is back. Someone comes out of one of the stalls. The reflection turns and attacks and kills the woman. Cassie is caught on the wrong side of the mirror, banging her hands against the glass.
17. INT. WOMAN’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Cassie wakes up in bed screaming. The light is turned on. The woman from the coffee shop is in bed beside her. It is her apartment. Cassie is confused at first, not remembering coming home with the woman. The woman walks her through the evening and Cassie says she remembers. She excuses herself to go to the bathroom.
Mid-Point: Helen makes herself known to Cassie by talking to her in the mirror and tells her about her plan.
18. INT. WOMAN’S BATHROOM – MOMENTS LATER
Cassie looks in the mirror and Helen looks back. They have a conversation about Helen’s need for a body and that Bellerophon is helping her. She also tells Cassie she was the one who agreed to go back with the woman because Cassie was too much of a coward. She says she enjoyed the experience so much she’ll have to do it again. Cassie swears it won’t happen. She leaves the bathroom and tells the woman she has to go home. She leaves the situation in an awkward state.
Second Turning Point/End of Act II: Cassie passes out and Helen takes over during the day.
19. INT. CASSIE’S APARTMENT – LATER
Cassie is home and starts to call Bellerophon. There is a knock at her door. It is Detective Wallace. He comes in and asks Cassie where she was. It turns out there was a murder in the club where she was earlier. He shows her a picture of the murdered woman in the stall that Cassie had seen in what she thought was a dream. He tells her that a camera caught her going into the bathroom around the time of the murder. Helen arises and strangles Wallace. As soon as she’s done, Cassie screams. Helen talks to Cassie directly telling her they will have to dispose of the body.
20. INT. DETECTIVE WALLACE’S APARTMENT – LATER
Cassie and Helen use Wallace’s key to go in. Helen goes through the rooms and finds Wallace’s wife. She uses Wallace’s service pistol to kill her. She then stages Wallace’s body to look as though he shot himself. Before Helen leaves, Wallace’s young son finds her and asks what she’s doing. Helen kills the boy while Cassie’s reflection in the window screams.
Crisis: Cassie discovers Bellerophon is a serial killer who has been purposefully drawing Helen out and using her as a tool to commit murder. He has been promising Helen he can find her a body if she kills.
21. INT. BELLEROPHON’S OFFICE – MORNING
Bellerophon comes into his office. Helen is sitting in his chair. She demands Bellerophon hold up the end of his bargain. Bellerophon tells her not yet. Helen jumps up to kill him, but Bellerophon says a phrase and Helen drops her weapon. Bellerophon tells her that he has been grooming her for a long time and has added fail safes so she wouldn’t harm him. He says she is ready to be the tool he needed from her. He gives her a kill list and tells her she won’t be able to get her own body until she’s done. She says she can just keep Cassie’s body, but Bellerphon tells her with a single phrase he can effectively kill off Helen and send her back to the “glob of neural material” that is “piggy-backing on your sister”. Helen complies.
22. SERIES OF SCENES
Helen goes on a killing spree. It’s not subtle.
Climax: Cassie kills Bellerophon to keep him from killing anyone else.
23. INT. BELLEROPHON’S OFFICE – AFTERNOON
Helen bursts in on Bellerophon as he’s with another client. The receptionist is trying to stop her, but Helen kills her effortlessly. Helen dumps out the bag she is carrying and it is the heads of the people she has killed. The client screams and tries to flee. Helen grabs her and tells Bellerophon to make good on his promise. That she’ll take this woman’s body. Bellerophon laughs at her and says it’s impossible.
Helen flies into a rage and launches herself at him, but he says the kills phrase and Helen drops. Cassie wakes up in her own body. She sobs and tells Bellerophon she doesn’t understand what is going on. Bellerophon reassures her and embraces her. He tells Cassie it’s all over. Cassie agrees and pushes Bellerophon out the window. He plummets to his death. She waits for the cops and gives up when they arrive.
24. INT. INTERROGATION ROOM – LATER
Two detectives are questioning Cassie. They tell her they have found DNA evidence at the other murders which match hers on a familial level. They know she has a sister, and that she is protecting her. They keep asking her where her sister is. She doesn’t answer. They send her to a cell.
25. INT. JAIL CELL – LATER
The jailer leaves Cassie locked in the cell. She goes to the mirror. She looks into it, but can’t find Helen.
Resolution: Helen is in charge.
26. INT. POLICE STATION – LATER
The woman from the coffee shop bails out Cassie. She asks Cassie what’s going on and Cassie tells her it is mistaken identity. They leave together.
27. INT WOMAN’S APARTMENT – 5:00 AM
The alarm goes off. Cassie wakes up next to the woman. She turns off the alarm. She moves to get out of bed, but the woman reaches for her and tells her to stay in. Cassie tells her she’ll be back to bed in a bit and gets up. She goes to the kitchen and pours herself a glass of juice. She sits at the kitchen table and pulls a notebook out of her purse. She flips a few pages and reads a note written in her handwriting, begging her stop killing and set her free. In Helen’s handwriting, she writes “NO”. She smiles the rictus smile…it’s Helen, and she’s gotten her body.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Quincy Cooke.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Quincy Cooke. Reason: Added Day 8 outline
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Hi Quincy. I’d love to give you my two cents on your idea. Would that be alright?
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Please feel free.
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Great. Just sent you a message with my thoughts.
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Just read the first few lines of yours and I’m HOOKED. Want to exchange?
Elizabeth Koenig
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Sure thing, Elizabeth.
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Should I post here? Don’t know how to work this new platform to direct message. But my email is elizabethkoenig18@gmail.com if that’s your preference. Anything is great for me (including you telling me how to direct message 🙃)
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Request for Exchange Feedback
Concept: A famous newscaster comes back from time travel a year into the future and finds that her family has been taken over by another woman and must compete with this woman to get them back.
Lead Characters: Andrea-a famous news anchor who has neglected her family, Josh-Andrea’s husband, Meagan-an ex-girlfriend of Josh who becomes involved with him after Andrea disappears
Plot/Structure: Rivalry
Opening: Andrea lives an exciting life as a newscaster on a national network. She works too much and never sees her family.
Inciting incident: Andrea interviews a science professor at a local college about the university’s new supercollider and “accidentally” gets sent back in time one day.
Page 10: Andrea arrives back from the past and finds that she has come back as Joanie the news desk assistant.
End of Act 1: Andrea realizes a year has passed. Everyone assumed she was dead and her husband, Josh has gotten together with a girlfriend from his past, Meagan.
Mid-point: Andrea realizes that Meagan conspired with the professor to send her back in time.
End of Act 2-Andrea tries to send Meagan back in time but fails.
Crisis-Although Andrea succeeds in convincing Josh and her two kids that she’s who she says she is, they confess that they are happier with Meagan than they were with her.
Climax: Andrea (who’s convinced a colleague of her true identity) does an expose’ on the professor and gets him to confess on air that he conspired with Meagan to send her back in time. Andrea admits to neglecting her family and pleads with them to take her back even though she doesn’t look like herself. . Josh and the kids see the report and have a change of heart about Andrea.
Resolution: Meagan and the professor get arrested. Andrea is reunited with Josh and her kids.
Main conflict- Andrea is competing with Megan to win her family back.
Dramatic Question: Will Andrea step back from her career to win Josh and her kids back from Meagan?
Dilemma: Andrea can keep her career and lose her family, or step back from her career and keep her family.
Theme: Realizing what’s most important in life.
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Hi Amy, my story has time travel in it too so I’d love to exchange feedback with you if you’re up for it. If so, you can email me at danlyerin (at) yahoo.com or just reply here. I’m still working on my outline but will have it done soon!
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Erin Danly.
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Hi Erin!
I sent you an email. 😊
Amy
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by
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Amy,
Thank you again for your feedback on mine, now I’m returning the favor. First off I’m a fan of time travel genre and working thru all the logic.
I really like the idea and most of the story web logic is really solid and logical. The only thing I’m really stuck on is Andreas change in appearance and her being Joanie when she returns. Because you have a lot of leeway with reality in this type of story I believe there could be a really easy and fun way to make a bit more sense with this one element. For example, could the supercollider have just rearranged the expression of her DNA which results in her looking different? Therefore her appearance changes both times she time travels. This could allow you to have some fun with making her even more beautiful on one of the trips and making her plain Jane or ugly on the other trip. I hope this gives you some ideas that will let you have even more fun writing! I believe the more fun you have the more fun the audience will eventually have!
I look forward to seeing your story develop over the coming months.
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Michelle,
Thanks for your feedback. Funny, having Andrea’s DNA change was my original idea, but I was having trouble making it work because it was only changing on one trip. I like your idea of having her change to be more beautiful on one trip and plain or ugly on the other trip. I agree that could be fun.
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Jim Peacock SLW v2, request for feedback
Concept: A painfully shy, lonely computer nerd stumbles upon a plot by a middle eastern militia umbrella group to deploy an EMP dirty bomb, then uses his growing maturity and awareness to defeat the General through cunning and deception, all while falling in love for the first time.
Plot Choice: #9 Underdog and #13 Maturation/#14 Love. 2 equal plots, not a subplot.
Lead Characters:
Protagonist, Jake: The painfully shy 20ish computer geek who discovers the plot
Antagonist, The General: Powerful leader of a group of middle eastern militia
Mary: Geeky girl next door who undertakes a trip of discovery with Jake
Jean Claude: Conspiracy theorist who joins the movement
Harry: Jake’s older brother who provides the muscle
Protagonist Character Arc: Jake goes from a lonely boy unable to interact with humans on a personal basis and unwilling to let anyone else into his world, to a man willing to take risks on multiple levels to protect his country and save the one person he has finally let into his heart.
Part to be changed: Ability to risk letting anyone into his life
Biggest fear: Being abandoned and hurt again
Completion of arc: Jake matures quickly and ultimately lets Mary into his life, and is capable of making difficult choices to protect his country.
Main Conflict, Dramatic Question, Dilemma: Can Jake defeat the general and his evil plan? Can Jake open his heart and find love?
Theme: It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Or in layman’s terms: We can only grow if we open our heart, risk hurt, and make difficult decisions.
Plot in Structure:
Opening Sequence
EXT. NYC SIDEWALK – DAY
Jake eyes glued to the ground, arms wrapped around his laptop, is tripped and made fun of by the owner of Hallak Cleaners, standing in front of the store. He vows revenge under his breath.
INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
He chats on the dark web with his only pseudo-friend Jean Claude – another geek in Canada. We learn that Jake is alone in the world. His parents abandoned him at 17 after he got out of juvi for hacking his school to fix his grades. His macho brother Harry has always thought he was a dingleberry. But on this night Jake seeks revenge by hacking into dry cleaner’s website and sending a ransomware note for $1million. That’s how pissed he is. We learn this is what he does “for a living”, sending ransomware to small companies for only a small % of their assets $3,000 or $4,000, enough to cover his living expenses. He’s a nice ransomware guy.
Inciting Incident:
INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Jean Claude calls Jake telling him there’s chatter on the dark web about some middle eastern militia coming after him. Clueless, Jake sees black vans pull up outside, so he grabs his computer and runs out his apartment door.
INT. HALLWAY/MARY’S APARTMENT – CONTINUOUS
Jake runs into Mary, his doppelgänger (mousy, a bit heavy, geekish, dark complexion, Persian decent) in the hallway, coming in from working third shift at Denny’s. As men storm up the steps Jake looks Mary in the eye for the first time in the year since they met and asks if he can come in. Always interested in him, she lets him in. Together they watch through the peephole as unknown GI’s storm his apartment and search for him. They in turn are interrupted by the FBI pulling up below. The GIs beat it just in time themselves. The FBI, who had been watching and listening for weeks re his ransomware attacks, search his apartment and assume he’s been kidnapped. Jake calls Jean Claude for more info, who convinces him it’s a vast CIA conspiracy. He convinces them to run, and Jean Claude decides to steal his mom’s car and come down to help them escape. Jake calls his estranged brother for advice. Harry, a NYC beat cop, tells him to go to the police.
INT. FBI FIELD OFFICE, NEW YORK – DAY
Agent Terry tries to figure out what happened to Jake. He enlists the help of brother Harry who knows nothing.
EXT. HASHD AL-SHAABI TRAINING CAMP AFGHANISTAN – DAY
General Mohammad Raad is pissed that someone has hacked into his brother’s cleaning company as it was used to funnel money to his militia. He’s more pissed that his men let Jake get away. What does he know? Why did he hack Hallak Cleaners? How powerful is this man? Is it the CIA?
INT. MARY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
They’ll make a run for it tomorrow. But for now, they’re alone. Neither has ever been kissed, so the intimacy is scary for both of them. He won’t sleep in her bed, so she sleeps on the LR floor with him. They don’t touch but after Jake is asleep Mary continues looking at him. We don’t know what that means.
By page 10:
INT. MARY’S APARTMENT – MORNING
Jean Claude arrives and pushes a conspiracy theory that it’s all a CIA plot; convinces Jake and Mary to run. They agree.INT CAR – DAY
The Trio is being chased by the FBI, and after a chase they are caught. We start to see a transformation in Jake as he stares the agents down and analyzes potential next steps – by himself.
First turning point:
INT. FBI FIELD OFFICE – DAY
Jake, Mary, and Jean Claude meet with Jake’s brother and are then interrogated by the FBI, told they think the general is planning some kind of attack based on dark web chatter. They don’t know what. They have a choice: jail time or help them catch the general. They agree but
EXT. CAR – DAY
as soon as they are set free, and in response to Jean Claude’s conspiracy stories, they make a run for the Canadian border, closely pursued by a group of middle eastern men in US Army uniforms. They make it across as the Army men break to a stop. They don’t want to expose their movement by going across an international border.
EXT. TERRORIST TRAINING CAMP AFGHANISTAN – DAY
The General is furious once again that Jake has escaped. What does he know? He could bring down the entire operation unless they find out what he knows. We learn more of the general’s plan and meet his mignons both by his side and embedded in the US military.
Midpoint:
INT. SHABBY VILLA – CANADIAN WILDERNESS – DAY
The trio go to Jean Claude’s uncle’s remote cabin, uncle Jules, also an avid conspiracy theorist, because they don’t know where else to go. He invites them to his villa as he’s lonely and loves to talk conspiracy. Jake calls his brother Harry, who again encourages them to come in but admits that the FBI knows almost nothing of the General’s possible plot. Jake logs back into the bank and discovers the details of the plot: to awaken US military members loyal to his cause and give him access to an Electromagnetic Pulse bomb to wipe out communications in the US. Although they have escaped, Jake makes the decision to go back to try to defeat the general and his evil plan.
MEANWHILE: Jake and Mary continue to become closer – but only in glances, brushes of the skin, then Mary asking to be held at night. Mary and Jean Claude fight constantly, both accusing the other of being in on the general’s plot. And both have “evidence”. (1 set was planted). Jake must decide – but not now. Jake wonders who he can trust: Mary? Jean Claude? Harry? Each has a history, trait, or incident that makes him suspicious.
Second turning point:
INT. SHABBY VILLA – COTINUOUS/ FBI HEADQUARTERSJake reaches out to Harry who, after being told of the scheme, then telling the FBI and being rebuffed by them, agrees to help. Harry does some heavy soul searching. (In flashbacks??) We learn why they are estranged. Harry is much older, they never got along, and when Jake was arrested for hacking, he sided with the parents and kicked him out. He finally decides Jake is the only family he has, takes a leave of absence and flies to Quebec to help.
The four devise a plan to gather weapons, analyze the General’s current strength and location, and recruit mercenaries (??).
Jake checks his Cayman bank account (!) and finds it frozen! But uncle Jules calls in a favor, a trapper with a plane who can get them into where the General has his lair. [Canada, France, Beirut, Kabul, Siberia?]
The four fly off to the General’s lair with the help of the trapper.
EXT. GENERAL’S LAIR – DAY
General makes plans to mobilize and put the plan into motion.
INT. NEAR THE GENERAL’S LAIR – DAY
Harry holds target practice with Jake. The four are hiding out near the lair when tensions between Mary and Jean Claude boil over as both show “proof” of involvement with the General. Ultimately Mary shoots Jean Claude and runs out. She doesn’t come back.
Crisis:
INT. JAKE’S HIDEOUT – NIGHTThe group discovers that Mary has been kidnapped by the general and held hostage until Jake tells them what he knows. Instead, Jake discovers assets belonging to the General in multiple banks and other operations worth $1B. He hacks them all and freezes the assets. The general is livid and threatens to kill Mary. We begin to suspect that Mary is the General’s niece.
Climax:
EXT. LAIR – NIGHT
Jake and Harry find the General’s hiding place and, together with wounded Jean Claude (who he has exonerated) find Mary (who doesn’t seem to be very captive. They are suspicious but she proves her loyalty by helping them kill the general’s evil mignons. Harry and Jake confront the General himselfdd and when he begins to draw a weapon Jake pulls the trigger and kills him.
Resolution:
INT. LAIR – NIGHT
The loving couple are reunited and embrace and kiss for the first time. But as the credits roll, we see an evil glint in Mary’s eyes. She is still dedicated to the General’s cause, even if it required sacrificing her uncle the General to maintain her cover.
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Hey Jim, I’m going to give feedback on your version 2. Looks like you’re done with version 1.
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Hey Jim,
Here’s your feedback.
Concept: I found your concept exciting and engaging.
Plot Choice: These seem to fit. I personally hadn’t considered using more than one plot choice, but it works.
Characters: You have a clear antangonist and protagonist. Side characters are interesting and all have distinct traits.
Character Structure: This is missing from your SLW, but it’s clearly a Protagonist vs. Antagonist situation.
Character arc: This feels very thought out. I can already see this character in my mind. I’m very curious as to how the character became this way. Not much to give feedback on here…
Main Conflict: I know that the Antagonist’s motivation is pretty clear. I might give some indication as to what the Protagonist is doing. Why is he a threat? Why is he using a dirty bomb? Is he just a terrorist, or did something happen to make him want revenge?
Dramatic Question, Main Conflict, Dilemma: You have one sentence answering these three questions. I think you need to break them up and answer them individually.
Theme: I feel this theme is pretty universal and something we can all relate to.
Plot in Structure: It looks like you listed your entire outline. I believe we were only supposed to list our 9 Beat Structure only. (your 9 beat structure, one sentence per beat.) Be that as it may, your outline is a really solid start! And it was here that I learned the Antagonists reasons for being bad. My only feedback for the SLW Plot Structure is to pair it down to the essence of the scene. I believe we’re going to get more in detail down the road.
Over all, this is exciting and fun. Kinda reminds me of a modern day War Games. Which is a good thing!
thanks,
Rob
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Thanks for the feedback, Rob. I did reply via email but wanted to thank you again here. Very helpful feedback.
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Hi Jim:
This is SLW V2 feedback. But I also read V1 and noticed your first leap.
V2:
Concept: I think this Concept is great. It could benefit from having more specificity. I saw the movie in my head (especially the setup with the bomb) but I did not understand how his growing maturity will save the day per se. I have an expectation of what will happen and how it is resolved as a writer – but I wonder if a producer or the audience would understand it equally just from reading it. Maybe we also need to understand how the hero’s tangible skills will help him save the day on top of being pushed to grow/change.
Plot Choice: I got Underdog right away from the Concept. Good job. And I definitely saw the potential for character change and I think the parity you are seeking between both plot choices could be a good strategy going forward.
Protagonist Character Arc: I got the arc from the Concept. I think the love story is a great way to invest us even more in this journey.
Theme: I liked the layman explanation better.
Plot in Structure:
Does all of the SLW reflect the concept? The Main Conflict is there, driving the story forward. The first Act 1 part of the structure had the DNA of the Concept, but with these type of characters; consider getting us on their side right away rather than expecting we will be on their side.
Did the writer get to the essence of the Dramatic Question and Main Conflict? Overall, yes. More the Main Conflict than the Dramatic Question. Excited to see how you continue elevating your story. The movie is already there.
When you read the structure, can you see a story? Yes. I saw a lot of the movie right away and the plot choices were solid. But I also felt this story got very invested in the twists and turns, that somehow the Dramatic Question and Character Arc took a backseat. I knew Jake was expected to grow.
Opening Sequence
All this work is very good. I thought I would just suggest that you may need: Jake to save the cat more evidently, early on. Just being a little socially odd or an outcast did not seem to get me on the character’s side, especially with all the talk about the “dark web” and what the general audience may quickly associate “people who roam the dark web” with. I think your tone is everywhere, but with these complex set of anti-hero characters; I may suggest if I can looking into even more possibilities for change and growth for the cast so the film is more appealing to even more people. Very good job. Thank you for the opportunity to review it.
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Thanks for the Awesome feedback, Armand. First I guess I should post v3 if we’re still doing this. I’ve made some things clearer. Also, the antagonist is now the Russian Mafia, and everyone is located in Coney Island. Instead of a dirty bomb, I’m thinking about trying to hack an election?? More cerebral problem, and possibly a more cerebral solution.
Good thought about getting the audience engaged early. I’ve heard that and will see what I can do. I see them all as sympathetic characters to begin, but evolving empathy as we progress.
GREAT point about dramatic question taking a backseat. Definitely need to work on that over the next 4 days.
Thanks for the input on arc – a bit for everyone. Great feedback. Thanks.
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REQUEST FOR FEEDBACK EXCHANGE
Budinscak SLW Version 1
Components of my story:
A. Concept:
A conniving uncle teaches his two stowaway young nephews about life and family on a cross-country trip from upstate NY to Burbank, CA, to deliver a package, a trip he agreed to make to save his family’s restaurant from being burned to the ground.
B. Lead Characters:
Protagonist – Jack, Uncle to Sal and Puck, scoundrel, gambler and helluva chef
Antagonist – Don Vito, crime boss who convinces Jack to make a delivery for him.
Supporting Character – Puck – nephew, book smart, naïve, clingy
Supporting Character – Sal – nephew, street smart, sneaky, liar
C. Character Structure:
Buddy movie/road trip. It’s the Uncle versus his two nephews in a car driving cross-country.
D. Plot Summary: #2 – Adventure:
The protagonist journey to new and strange places and events. The story is as much about the journey and places visited as it is about the protagonist. Usually, the hero is going in search of fortune but often finds love instead.
Two young cousins stowaway in their uncle’s car thinking they’re going to Atlantic City and swim in the ocean. But Uncle Jack has agreed to drive cross-country to deliver a package for a local crime boss to save his family’s restaurant from being destroyed by fire. During the trip, the two boys meet their uncle’s friends, visit places they’ve only heard about and learn interesting lessons about family and life from their Uncle Jack.
E. Dramatic Question:
Will Jack deliver the package to Burbank on time and save the family restaurant?
F. Main Conflict:
How does Jack combat two inquisitive, ubiquitous kids or will the two boys wear their uncle down during the trip?
G. Dilemma:
Will Jack ditch the kids to enjoy himself OR will he place the needs of his nephews in front of his own.
H. Theme:
There’s a lot more to family than just relatives. Those you can count on whenever you need them – that’s family.
I. Protagonist Character Arc:
Part to be changed: Jack is completely self-centered, doing whatever he wants.
Biggest fear: being responsible/accountable for someone else.
Completion of arc: acknowledges and stands up for the boys.
Jack goes from self-centered, me first a-hole to a caring and protective uncle.
2. Current version of my outline – 9 beat structure:
Opening:
While an extended family chats over dinner inside their restaurant, Jack takes out the trash and watches a hearse pull up to the funeral home across the parking lot. Men struggle pulling a body bag from the hearse, it jerks around wildly.
Inciting Incident:
Jack is presented with two options – make a trip and personally deliver a package or have the family’s restaurant burn to the ground. Jack chooses to deliver a package.
By page 10, you know what the movie is about:
Jack agrees to travel to Burbank to deliver a package, unaware his two young nephews, Puck and Sal, will tag along for the trip.
First turning point as end of Act 1:
Jack wakes up in his car in Terra Haute (IN) and the two boys pop up in the back seat.
Mid-point:
Jack averts a crisis in an Oklahoma Truck Stop when he beats a trucker who had Puck trapped in a bathroom stall. The boys have never seen this side of their uncle – and never want to.
Second turning point at the end of Act 2:
In Las Vegas, Jack loses all his money in the casino, then is shaken down by the FBI and forced to be their informant, including wearing a wire.
Crisis:
Jack doesn’t want any emotional attachments – nephews or otherwise, but when their lives are at peril from carbon monoxide poisoning, he promises to change if God saves Puck and Sal.
Climax:
Jack and the boys deliver the package on time to a funeral home in Burbank. Once inside, Jack is separated from the boys. While Jack suffers, the two kids outwit their bad guy and save their uncle from his captors.
Resolution:
Jack, Sal and Puck arrive on the east coast in time to meet their mom’s – and the mom’s can tell the difference in their kids. While Jack feigns ignorance, the two boys vouch for their uncle’s story and add a few nuggets of their own.
A picture is taken of the trip and posted on the wall in the restaurant. That picture catapults us to the present.
A family outing involving everyone in the movie wraps this up.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by John Budinscak.
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Hi John, I’d be willing to give you feedback on version 1, if you haven’t already received it. In return, would you be willing to review my SLW version 2?
– Rob
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Rob,
Yes, please provide feedback for me, and I hope to get Version 2 up very shortly. And I will definitely review your Version 2.
Thanks, Rob!
John B.
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I just posted my Version 3 on page 2 of this thread. Please review that one. I’ll wait for your version 2. Thanks!
Rob
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Budinscak SLW Version 2
Request for Feedback Exchange
Components of my story:
A. Concept:
In 1986, a conniving uncle and his two stowaway young nephews learn about life and family on a cross-country trip from upstate NY to Burbank, CA, to deliver a package for a local crime boss, a trip he agreed to make to save his family’s restaurant from being burned to the ground as long as it arrives by 2:00 PM Monday.
B. Lead Characters:
Protagonist – Jack, Uncle to Sal and Puck, scoundrel, gambler and helluva chef
Co-Antagonist – Puck – nephew, book smart, naïve, clingy
Co-Antagonist – Sal – nephew, street smart, sneaky, liar
Supporting Character – Don Vito, crime boss who convinces Jack to make a delivery for him
C. Character Structure:
Buddy movie/road trip. It’s the Uncle versus his two nephews in a car driving cross-country.
D. Plot Summary: #2 – Adventure:
The protagonist journey to new and strange places and events. The story is as much about the journey and places visited as it is about the protagonist. Usually, the hero is going in search of fortune but often finds love instead.
Two young cousins stowaway in their uncle’s car thinking they’re going to Atlantic City and swim in the ocean. But Uncle Jack has agreed to drive cross-country to deliver a package for a local crime boss to save his family’s restaurant from being destroyed by fire. During the trip, the two boys meet their uncle’s friends, visit places they’ve only heard about and learn interesting lessons about family and life from their Uncle Jack. And they teach their uncle a lesson or two along the way.
E. Dramatic Question:
Will Jack deliver the package to Burbank on time and save the family restaurant?
F. Main Conflict:
How does Jack combat two inquisitive, ubiquitous kids or will the two boys wear their uncle down during the trip?
G. Dilemma:
Will Jack ditch the kids to enjoy himself OR will he place the needs of his nephews in front of his own.
H. Theme:
There’s a lot more to family than just relatives. Those you can count on whenever you need them – that’s family.
I. Protagonist Character Arc:
Part to be changed: Jack is completely self-centered, doing whatever he wants.
Biggest fear: being responsible/accountable for someone else.
Completion of arc: acknowledges and stands up for the boys.
Jack goes from self-centered, me first a-hole to a caring and protective uncle.
2. Current version of my outline – 9 beat structure:
Opening:
While an extended family chats over dinner inside their restaurant, Jack takes out the trash and watches a hearse pull up to the funeral home across the parking lot. Men struggle pulling a body bag from the hearse, it jerks around wildly.
Inciting Incident:
Jack is presented with two options – make a trip and personally deliver a package or have the family’s restaurant burn to the ground. Jack chooses to deliver a package.
By page 10, you know what the movie is about:
Jack agrees to travel to Burbank to deliver a package, unaware his two young nephews, Puck and Sal, will tag along for the trip.
First turning point as end of Act 1:
Jack wakes up in his car in Terra Haute (IN) and the two boys pop up in the back seat.
Mid-point:
Jack averts a crisis in an Oklahoma Truck Stop when he beats a trucker who had Puck trapped in a bathroom stall. The boys have never seen this side of their uncle – and never want to.
Second turning point at the end of Act 2:
In Las Vegas, Jack loses all his money in the casino, then is shaken down by the FBI and forced to be their informant, including wearing a wire.
Crisis:
Jack doesn’t want any emotional attachments – nephews or otherwise, but when their lives are at peril from carbon monoxide poisoning, he promises to change if God saves Puck and Sal.
Climax:
Jack and the boys deliver the package on time to a funeral home in Burbank. Once inside, Jack is separated from the boys. While Jack suffers, the two kids outwit their bad guy and save their uncle from his captors.
Resolution:
Jack, Sal and Puck take a red-eye from LAX and arrive on the east coast in time to meet their moms at JFK – their mom’s find the boys and Jack asleep at the airport gate. Puck and Sal’s moms can tell the difference in their kids. While Jack feigns ignorance, the two boys vouch for their uncle’s story and add a few nuggets of their own.
A picture is taken of the trip and posted on the wall in the restaurant. That picture catapults us to the present time.
A family outing involving everyone in the movie wraps this up.
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Hey, John. Would love to swap feedback.
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Hey, Jim – just saw your message and I apologize for not replying sooner – my bad! I’m going to update my outline and I would very much appreciate your insight and feedback. It’s 2:10 EST right now and I should have it posted by 2:30. It will be Version 3.
And I’d like to read your story and provide the SLW review, too. Thanks, Jim!
JB
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Hey John ,
Here’s the feedback I promised. I really love your SLW. I’m a sucker for road trip movies, as well as a sucker for crazy uncle movies. This concept is right up my alley.
Concept: The concept is really strong and the protagonist’s objective is clearly set up.
Characters: Jack seems like the kind of Uncle that a pair of young kids might be drawn to. He’s a little bit dangerous and a little bit cool. I wonder if the kids will be let down when they find out he’s just a normal guy, with everyday problems. Both kids are nephews…I wonder if they’re might be some drama/comedy to mine from changing one of the kids to a girl?
9 Beat Structure: The more I read this, the more I like it. Feels like a cross between Uncle Buck and Planes, Trains and Automobiles. It has the right amount of heart and comedy. I guess my only idea that pops up is the lack of a heavy antagonist. The SLW mentions a Don Vito, so I’m guessing you have a plan for that. Usually in these types of movies, you have some sort of henchman on their trail…maybe keeping an eye on the situation? I’m looking forward to watching this project grow!
Great job!
Rob Bertrand
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Budinscak SLW Version 3
Request for Feedback Exchange
Components of my story:
A. Concept:
In 1986, a conniving uncle and his two stowaway young nephews learn about life and family on a cross-country trip from upstate NY to Burbank, CA, to deliver a package for a local crime boss, a trip he agreed to make to save his family’s restaurant from being burned to the ground as long as it arrives by 2:00 PM Monday.
B. Lead Characters:
Protagonist – Jack, Uncle to Sal and Puck, scoundrel, gambler and helluva chef
Co-Antagonist – Puck – nephew, book smart, naïve, clingy
Co-Antagonist – Sal – nephew, street smart, sneaky, liar
Supporting Character – Don Vito, crime boss who convinces Jack to make a delivery for him
C. Character Structure:
Buddy movie/road trip. It’s the Uncle versus his two nephews in a car driving cross-country.
D. Plot Summary: #2 – Adventure:
The protagonist journey to new and strange places and events. The story is as much about the journey and places visited as it is about the protagonist. Usually, the hero is going in search of fortune but often finds love instead.
Two young cousins stowaway in their uncle’s car thinking they’re going to Atlantic City and swim in the ocean. But Uncle Jack has agreed to drive cross-country to deliver a package for a local crime boss to save his family’s restaurant from being destroyed by fire. During the trip, the two boys meet their uncle’s friends, visit places they’ve only heard about and learn interesting lessons about family and life from their Uncle Jack. And they teach their uncle a lesson or two along the way.
E. Dramatic Question:
Will Jack deliver the package to Burbank on time and save the family restaurant?
F. Main Conflict:
How does Jack combat two inquisitive, ubiquitous kids or will the two boys wear their uncle down during the trip?
G. Dilemma:
Will Jack ditch the kids to enjoy himself OR will he place the needs of his nephews in front of his own.
H. Theme:
There’s a lot more to family than just relatives. Those you can count on whenever you need them – that’s family.
I. Protagonist Character Arc:
Part to be changed: Jack is completely self-centered, doing whatever he wants.
Biggest fear: being responsible/accountable for someone else.
Completion of arc: acknowledges and stands up for the boys.
Jack goes from self-centered, me first a-hole to a caring and protective uncle.
2. Current version of my outline – 9 beat structure:
Opening:
SUPER: 1986
Carmine’s, a restaurant, sits on one end of a large parking lot with a funeral home on the opposite side.
Inside the restaurant, an extended family dines while chatting on a ‘speaker phone’ with two sisters who want Jack to pick them up at JFK in NYC on Tuesday. The two sisters are the mothers of Puck and Sal., and Jack agrees to pick them up.
Later, Jack takes out the trash and watches a hearse pull up to the funeral home across the parking lot. Men struggle pulling a body bag from the hearse, it jerks around wildly. Jack turns to leave and takes one step – Me-YOW! – he steps on a cat’s tail. The men by the hearse look over.
The next morning, a limo pulls into an open garage door at the funeral home. A local crime boss, Don Vito, aka The Weatherman, makes a phone call from the funeral home inquiring about the availability of a cleaning service. He’s told Monday at 2:00 PM is the first open slot – and he takes it. The Don sends two goons to the restaurant to ‘invite’ Jack to the funeral home – it’s the Don’s brother’s business.
Inciting Incident:
At the meeting, Don Vito hints that he’s pretty sure Jack knows more than he’s letting on about seeing the jerking body bag. Jack denies it as along as possible until he’s presented with two options – make a trip and personally deliver a package or have the family’s restaurant burn to the ground. Jack chooses to deliver a package.
By page 10, you know what the movie is about:
Jack agrees to travel to Burbank to deliver a package, unaware his two young nephews, Puck and Sal, will tag along for the trip.
First turning point as end of Act 1:
Jack wakes up in his car in Terra Haute (IN) and the two boys pop up in the back seat.
Prior to this turning point, Jack drops his Cadillac off at the funeral home for ‘necessary modifications’ to carry the package. A large cooler is installed in the trunk of Jack’s Caddy.
To help his sister who volunteered to watch Puck and Sal while their mothers are out of town, Jack drugs the boys to keep them in line. He doesn’t realize that they snuck in the back seat of his Caddy and they’re fast asleep under a blanket lying on the floor of the car.
Jack meets one of his partners-in-crime, Lincoln Clogs, LC, in Terra Haute. Jack laments about finding his two incorrigible nephews in the car and tries to pawn them off on LC – LC says NFW to the request.
Jack and the boys leave and Jack immediately gets a premonition how poorly this trip with these two nephews is going to go – he’s pulled over by a state trooper, but smooth talks his way out of trouble. They stop by a restaurant outside of St Louis, but never go in. Instead, they pick up a tail – a box truck follows the Cadillac. The truck’s driver has Love and Hate tattooed on his knuckles.
Jack pulls into a rest area and buys snacks for the boys – and ice for the cooler. To make time and to do it quietly, Jack drugs the two boys again. They sleep, he drives like a madman. He spots the same headlights again and again – and thinks he’s being tailed. When Sal and Puck wake in Oklahoma, Jack pulls into the Truck Stop.
Mid-point:
Jack averts a crisis in an Oklahoma Truck Stop when he beats a trucker who had Puck trapped in a bathroom stall. The boys have never seen this side of their uncle – and never want to.
Jack has a run-in with the boys and they reveal they’re now terrified of their uncle. Jack contemplates how to best use this new information to his advantage. He practices divide and conquer, drugging them one at a time so as one sleeps, he can get to know the other one.
He teaches Sal about one of his favorite recipes while letting him drive the Caddy. Great times for Sal. They settle in to a hotel in Albuquerque. Jack constantly checks but doesn’t see anyone following him. He fills up the cooler with ice and goes to his room. A van slows by the hotel entrance before parking on the street, the hotel entrance in full view.
Next day, Sal sleeps, Jack and Puck bond a little. It’s nighttime when they come into view of Las Vegas – Jack’s enthralled and his enthusiasm carries over to the boys.
No hotel tonight. The Cadillac pulls into a large parking lot and parks in a back corner facing the front. Hack and the boys sleep. A truck pulls in and parks far enough away not to be noticed. Love and Hate decorate the driver’s knuckles.
Second turning point at the end of Act 2:
In Las Vegas, Jack loses all his money in the casino, then is shaken down by the FBI and forced to be their informant, including wearing a wire.
The boys and Jack have a lot of fun in Vegas and the nephews have eye-opening first-time experiences they won’t forget. Jack had scheduled a date with an old flame, but she gave him a lot of grief for ‘babysitting’ and wanted no part of it – and Jack’s pissed off.
After nothing goes right for Jack, the FBI shakes him down.
The next morning, Jack has the boys transfer the license plates from a Caddy that looks just like theirs as he searches for ice for the cooler. He can’t find ice, he can only find dry ice. He puts it in the cooler in the trunk.
The FBI chase after the wrong Cadillac as Jack, Sal and Puck sneak out of the city. A flat bed tow truck follows – hands featuring the tats Love and Hate grip the steering wheel.
Crisis:
Jack doesn’t want any emotional attachments – nephews or otherwise, but when their lives are at peril from carbon monoxide poisoning, he promises to change if God saves Puck and Sal.
As they leave Las Vegas, the dry ice leaks and makes its way into the back seat of the car. Right before they pass out, Sal and Puck ask their uncle if they can ride horses, just like their favorite actor – Clint Eastwood. When Puck and Sal pass out – they dream they’re riding galloping stallions on the plains and Uncle Jack chases them on his horse. In reality, the Cadillac bounces all over the shoulder of the road and is cascading to an accident when the flat bed tow truck bangs into the Cadillac and saves Jack and the kids.
They load the Caddy on the flatbed and cover it with a tarp. They – Jack, Puck, Sal, and the Driver – head into Los Angeles.
Climax:
Jack and the boys deliver the package on time to a funeral home in Burbank. Once inside, Jack is separated from the boys. While Jack suffers, the two kids outwit their bad guy and save their uncle from his captors.
The FBI shows up – and they’re in cahoots with Don Vito. The local media shows up with LAPD and look like heroes.
Resolution:
Jack, Sal and Puck take a red-eye from LAX and arrive on the east coast in time to meet their moms at JFK – their mom’s find the boys and Jack asleep at the airport gate. Puck and Sal’s moms can tell the difference in their kids. While Jack feigns ignorance, the two boys vouch for their uncle’s story and add a few nuggets of their own.
A picture is taken of the trip and posted on the wall in the restaurant. That picture catapults us to the present time.
A family outing involving everyone in the movie wraps this up.
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Hi, John. I really like your concept. We need another trip movie! Great choice to create a deadline.
I’m having a hard time envisioning the 2 kids as the antagonists, especially with the dramatic question involving repercussions fro Don. Could the Don intervene in the journey at various points to heighten the risks. Right now there is little risk other than whether the family will get along. 🙂
If you stay with these necessary questions then I think there needs to be more. The boys don’t see that evil, or even antagonistic – just rambunctious kids. I like the FBI coming in during the Climax. Can they possibly come in earlier?
Love what you’ve done. I can truly see this as a movie!
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You present an enticing plot and strong characters. It’s a travel-log of troubles but also maturing of the kids and their uncle. It’s action packed. I thought of mentioning the time limit for package delivery, but I guess that will be taken care of in the screenplay and on the screeen – where I’d love to see this very adventurous, exciting, and touching story.
Thank you, John.
Bob
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by
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Richard’s SLW Version 1 – Request for feedback
Concept: Trapped in a castle, seven life-long friends must fight to the death so that the last one standing can receive a pardon from a foreign Lord and his army.
Plot/Structure: 16. Sacrifice
Character Structure: Ensemble
Characters:
Shane – A loyal, life-long fighter with the O’Doherty clan. The people’s champion. In sexual relationship with Ileana. Best friend of Malachi.
Ileana O’Doherty – Her father’s favorite child. Secretly pregnant with Shane’s child. More say over family matters than what women in the 17<sup>th</sup> century had. A warrior at heart.
Malachi O’Doherty – Heir apparent of the O’Doherty clan, Ulster’s prominent clan. Older brother to Ileana, Gavin, and Simon. Struggles to get the respect of his people. Best friend of Shane.
Pearse – Shane’s most trusted soldier. Student of the dark arts. Unbreakable loyalty to Shane.
Leif – A warrior’s warrior. People question his sanity. He’s Ireland’s most precious gift in his own mind. Another trusted soldier of Shane.
Gavin O’Doherty – Twin of Simon. Ferocious fighter. Sadistic. Will protect his clan’s position and chain-of-command at all costs.
Simon O’Doherty – Twin of Gavin. Ferocious fighter. Will protect his clan’s position and chain-of-command even if he doesn’t completely agree with it.
Dramatic Question: Will lifelong friends/family members murder each other for their own survival?
Main conflict: Seven friends/family members must fight until one is left so they can receive a pardon.
Dilemma: Do they follow tradition and culture and let the ‘leader’ of the group survive?
Theme: Betrayal
Character Arc:
Shane goes from a man respectful of culture and chain-of-command to the leader of his people.
Part to be changed: His ability to act on what is needed for the betterment of his people.
Biggest fear: That without culture and chain-of-command the people will become feral and societal breakdown will happen thus weakening his people.
Completion of arc: He realizes that the old ways must change so they can better themselves and become a stronger country.
9 Beat Structure:
Opening
Introduction to our characters as they prepare for battle. Hint at the pregnancy. Highlight tensions between characters.
Inciting Incident
The other Irish clans betray ours. The English slaughter almost everyone. Our characters retreat and the English start their pursuit.
By page 10, you know what the movie is about…
The English will stop at nothing to eliminate the last resisters to their rule. Our group of characters, while bonded their whole lives, are now showing signs of weaknesses in their relationships.
First turning point at end of Act 1
Our characters arrive at the island castle where they are quickly surrounded by English forces. They are trapped.
Mid-Point
The English announce the pardon – that the one person left standing inside the castle will be allowed to leave and there will be no consequences for their actions – our characters now understand the situation and turn on one another.
Second turning point at end of Act 2
With only three of our characters left, they try and work out a way forward. They can’t reach agreement. One character does the unthinkable.
Crisis
There is no realistic future for any of our characters. But now two must fight to the death and try to salvage some hope for the future of the Irish people after this situation has ended.
Climax
One character is alive after a gruesome showdown. Instead of taking the pardon, he kills the English general as Celtic reinforcements arrive to the island.
Resolution
The one survivor uses their standing with the people to reunite the Irish and promises a brighter, self-ruled land.
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Hi, Richard. Would it be alright with you if I gave you some of my thoughts on your 1st version?
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Absolutely, Pablo – thank you. I will review your work and have my thoughts within 24 hours.
If anyone else would like to exchange feedback let me know – the more eyes the better!
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Hey, Richard. I sent you a message with my input late last night. Just an FYI.
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Richard,
May I read your outline and provide a SLW review? I will wait for Pablo’s review and your updated Version 2 before I reply.
Please also read my outline and provide your thoughts. Your help is appreciated. Thank you,
John Budinscak
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by John Budinscak.
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Hi John,
I’ve sent a request to connect with you. I would love to exchange reviews with you. I will have it done before tomorrow night.
Cheers!
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by
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Richard,
Very interesting story, is this based on fact? Regardless, it’s a good read.
I really liked your character descriptions – I could see them – I liked the Character Arc for your protagonist, Shane. I don’t think there’s any question whether or not the Dramatic Question shows up in your structure – it’s a resounding yes.
Your theme shows up early – when the Irish clans betray ours – and carries throughout the outline. Even without a lot of detail, I can see the scenes and the movie when I read the outline. And I’m looking forward to seeing it when you add additional layers to the outline. Even though it wasn’t mentioned, I pictured the British Army enjoying the ‘Irish 7’ slaughtering one another. I really liked the climax – nice touch.
I look forward to seeing the next couple of iterations. Great job.
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Don’t feel obliged to read the whole thing. I am in a labyrinth because I am adapting literary novels that I wrote and am writing. Anything you say is fine.
Concept: Bobby/Leo/BB/Betty, a funeral director turned into a secret serial killer/rapist/arsonist, transitions into a hit man as his testosterone wanes with age, and then a female chef when he is forced to set a fire that accidentally kills his son, sacrifices her life to save Jake and Litonya, matured into loving family people and Green activists, killing her boss Ibrahim the CEO of STEMGARCHS who has devolved into genocidal evil as rocks narrate and recycle through climate catastrophes.
Lead Characters: Bobby/Leo/BB/Betty, Ibrahim al Harbi a brilliant billionaire engineer professor and then CEO, Jake LaRoche a fitness star, health care worker, and family man and Litonya Lenape a geologist and Green activist, and rocks that narrate my three novels–sedimentary for Climb and Punishment, gneiss, marble, and schist for Come to Magnificent Metamorphic Manhattan, and igneous for the Seismic Seesaw between Jake and the Magma Monsters.I have four main dilemmas for each character but it is a dramatic triangle with the three men relating to Litonya and Litonya and Jake as a married couple often acting together.
Adaptation of the third novel, not yet written completely, to the screen using the first two novels as backstory and flashbacks. No, I will not write the adaptations of the first two novels for this class because the first novel has a rough screenplay attached and the second novel would be an audiobook because of its poetry and episodic structure. I am going nuts using this class to adapt the third novel but it is what I must do to finish and survive.
Theme: Fate versus Will as humans battle aging, diseases, pandemics, and climate catastrophesPlot/Structure: Transformation.
Genre: Horror or Drama with Fantasy, Fun, Fitness, and Fear
1. Set-Up. BB squirts sanitizers around the UES and lights matches to blow up outdoor restaurants in NYC spring 2020 during the pandemic. He gets in IBRAHIM AL HARBI’s electric car, crosses the GW bridge, and takes a boat up the Hudson to New Paltz, while Ibrahim picks up LITONYA LENAPE a brilliant, beautiful geologist working at the Earth Observatory before driving up to New Paltz where Ibrahim joins his wife Sandrine in their Tudor Mansion, Litonya stays with her husband RODNEY and her son KISELE
2. Inciting Incident: Hanukkah 2020. BB watches as Jake’s parents succumb to COVID and survive but Rodney and his parents die, despite the valiant CPR efforts of his son JOE and Jake. BB helps prepare the three corpses for burial in the New Paltz cemetery. Who is to blame for all this death and suffering—genetic and environmental fate or human will?
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. The main conflict is between the secret STEMGARCHS who have unleashed viruses but are also developing vaccines and cures for neurodegenerative diseases and a Bright Space Brain Buffet (Ibrahim and his servant BB) and the Green activists (Litonya, Jake, and their kids) who respect nature and natural phenomena, exacerbated by years of injury and personal vendettas and current and forthcoming climate catastrophes.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1: BB now a hit man for Ibrahim’s STEMGARCHS watches helplessly as Hurricane Ida demolishes Ibrahim’s condo, killing his wife and son, but BB and Joe help clean up. Cleaning and money cover climate catastrophes sometimes but cannot bring back loved ones so Ibrahim changes for the worse as he loses his religious faith and holds desperately on to life through the STEMGARCHS company. Where is human will in a climate catastrophe? Ibrahim works harder on the Bright Space Brain Buffet, using BB for his dirty work.
5. Mid-Point: Ibrahim wants BB wants to kill CS because she knows too much, and BB wants to kill filthy Norm and Keith. But the explosion in the antique car blows up the solar house and kills his son the firefighter. Since he adopted Joe as a teenager, he lived through this handsome, brave, kind, hard-working, sexy man. Now he is gone, and it is his fault. He wants to become a woman. He is sick of his dangling impotent penis that abused cadavers. After arguing with Ibrahim, he transitions to Betty to . become a better cook. Her gender dysphoria has cleared up. But she still works for Ibrahim who is now a full-fledged sociopath, ready to kill millions of humans to save the planet or his people. Now that Betty no longer has that weasel between his pants, she has no admiration for Litonya’s body. Jake and BB always hated each other but Jake is getting desperate about his mom’s Alzheimer’s and his recent Parkinson’s diagnosis. His dad dies. He makes friends with Betty and they work together. Litonya is brought in as well to spy on Ibrahim and his STEMGARCHS because she has pulmonary fibrosis. They must get these drugs. More floods, more landslides, more diseases exacerbate the CONFLICTS between the STEMGARCHS and the EE Company and the desperate need for the BRIGHTSPACE BRAIN BUFFET.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: While walking down the East River Esplanade, Betty is attacked by a gang from East Harlem, similar to the (FLASHBACK) gang that beat him up as a teenager where he lost his right eye as Bobby. She hobbles to the boat where DELPHINE, Ibrahim’s and Jake’s daughter is fishing with other kids. The gangsters try to attack her, but she defends herself and Betty. As Betty is dozing off with pain killers, she has FLASHBACKS of her secret career as a serial kller/rapist/arsonist for fifteen years in the Shawangunk Mountains. The last image is of him stalking Litonya climbing rocks naked. Back to the present and Jake, Litonya, and their families are desperate for the drugs to cure neurodegenerative diseases. Jake is so depressed about having to let his mom die of Alzheimer’s and the knowledge he may be getting Lewy Body dementia and Litonya’s fibrosis is worse. Jake becomes a detective with the help of his kids to uncover the crime history of Bobby, Leo, BB, and now Betty. Betty is older and sicker on her eightieth birthday. Jake tells her she must choose exposure over getting on the side of EvergreenEnergy and betraying her boss Ibrahim, head of STEMGARCHS. But Betty has a secret weapon because she is still the chef of the CEO of STEMGARCHS. She agrees to cooperate. Her dilemma is whether to expose her past crimes and go to jail or to keep taking Brain Buffet but risk sudden death by stealing the drugs from Ibrahim.
7. Crisis: BB has a fight with Litonya and Jake about STEMGARCHS and must make a choice about Ibrahim and the drugs. Whose side is he on—EE with the kids and their eco-boats or Ibrahim with his money, power, and the STEMGARCHS? What are the options? How can she kill Ibrahim? Where are the best drugs? Is human will so strong that they can delay or overcome death?
8. Climax: Betty cooks a poisoned dinner that she and Ibrahim eat. The passive-aggressive conflict between master and servant is exposed and resolved with a final fight. Ibrahim fakes death and struggles physically with Betty but is saved by Jake and Litonya who must face his demons before death. Looks like his Brightspace Brain Buffet cannot save him, and he could roast in hell.
9. Resolution: Betty gives the drugs to Litonya and Jake, helping save their lives, so that this main conflict is resolved, but as she is dying, they put her on a boat near Inwood saltmarshes so she can rock herself to death as the rocks slide into the Hudson and humanity now has another arsenal of cures for neurodegenerative diseases and another fleet of ecoboats like Noah’s arcs for floods and other climate catastrophes. Jake and Litonya die naturally with a seismic seesaw as they are trying a little climb in the Palisades and the igneous rock, the Magma Monsters who narrate half my last novel, slips into the Hudson. The Resurrection is the resumption of the rock cycle and the legacy of the kids to work on the imperfect human brain and ecoboats to tackle climate catastrophes and save humanity. Fate and will are married as life and death continue.
I am not sure if the Set Up of shots from previous novels should be fused into FLASHBACKS
1) INT. BABY IN WOMB rocking blissfully.
2) EXT. STREET IN EAST HARLEM – DAY
A gang beats up Bobby until his right eye turns blue and bloody.3) INT. FUNERAL PARLOR- DAY
Bobby’s right eye is made of glass as he beautifies the corpse. His right hand slips under the table as his shoulder vibrates him to an ecstatic explosion.4) EXT. CLIMBING PITCH – DAY
Bobby has transformed into smiling LEO, the hospitality guy, selling food and drink to BEAUTIFUL BUFF CLIMBERS, especially LITONYA LENAPE, the top climber and a geology prof at the college.5) EXT. CLIMBING PITCH – NIGHT
SCREAMS as gorgeous climbers collapse on the ground. Bobby mounts them, then hides the evidence.6) INT. MUDDY MANSION – EVENING
Priceless is dancing in an exotic outfit on the stage of Leo’s new venue, a renovated barn for Gunkies, Junkies, and Gutter Punkies as Joe, JAKE, RODNEY, and his buddies watch. Leo cleans and serves food and drinks but his left eye is glued to her delicious, writhing body.7) EXT. CHURCH CEMETERY – NIGHT
Leo stalks Priceless as she walks home drunk and stoned but as he begins to grab her, she flirts with him, and agrees to be tied up. This is the first time a woman has reacted like this so he is confused. After a while, Rodney and Jake come by, fight, and untie her. A deal is made to give Priceless money for her dancing, but Leo is still arrested.8) INT. PRISON – DAY
No one cleans like Leo. He is released for good behavior. He never confessed to his real crimes and only served for assault.9) EXT. EAST RIVER ESPLANADE – DAY
Leo, aka, BB, has changed his identity to Boat Bob. He cleans his tent under the Asphalt Green sanitation dump. He chats with IBRAHIM, a millionaire from New Paltz, who lives in the Summit penthouse nearby. Papers are exchanged and they return to their different worlds, poor and rich.9) INT. LAUNDRY ROOM – DAY
BB puts lint and lighter fluid in laundry bags. MC, a NYC tour guide, returns to find the room in flames.10) A SERIES OF SHOTS
BB lights a match in the boiler room but leaves quickly. There is a natural gas explosion that decimates the building.
MC and her cat end up in the streets, the subways, the shelters, and finally the basement of an upscale pet store as BB stalks them.
BB studies boats on computers at the senior centers.
BB meets Ibrahim in his penthouse at the Summit and leaves with a package.
BB has the best sanitizers as the pandemic begins and uses them everywhere because they are secretly filled with condensed COVID, helping the old, sick, fat, and weak die faster.11) INT. PET STORE BASEMENT – NIGHT Could be INCITING INCIDENT
BB enters the store to find MC dead from COVID. He mounts her but it doesn’t work this time. He is too old. Later, his son Joe, now a firefighter, comes to the rescue to bring her cadaver to NYU Langone for COVID research. Joe never suspects BB of anything because he is too naïve and busy being an essential worker.12) EXT. PALISADES – DAY
Ibrahim drops BB off near the wharf on his way to picking up Litonya who is a geologist at the Earth Observatory.13) EXT. BOAT – NIGHT
BB sails up the Hudson to Kingston, blissfully nursed by the water.14) EXT. GARAGE – DAY
The Feldmans’ huge garage for antique cars now has a place to build boats. Ten year old KISELE, OMAR, CORAL, and DELPHINE are working with BB on a new boat. After cleaning exhaustively, he sleeps blissfully in the boat on dry land.15) EXT. LAWN OUTSIDE COLONIAL MANSION – EVENING
During the Feldman’s super spreader academic event, BB sprays his sanitizer, secretly laced with COVID.16) INT. FELDMAN’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
As they have sex on their waterbed, JEN and ELIOT FELDMAN code. Jake and Rodney rush in to perform CPR. Then Joe arrives with two stretchers. Since they are obese it takes all their strength to get them in the ambulance.17) INT. HOSPITAL—NIGHT
The Feldmans are DOA. Rodney is detained for testing positive for COVID, low oxygen saturation and fever, but Jake and Joe go home.18) EXT. NEW PALTZ CEMETERY – DAY INCITING INCIDENT
A service is held for Jen, Eliot, and Rodney. Litonya, Jake, and Kisele stay longer at Rodney’s grave and leave together. BB is immaculately dressed as part of the morticians’ team.22) INT. COLONIAL MANSION
A series of shots inside shows BB cleaning and doing construction for the Feldman relatives, Lana, Keith, and Norm, filthy homeless rejects from Manhattan. This montage ends with Lana coding from COVID on the toilet from BB’s squirter but also because she was anti-vax. Jake and Joe enter but it is too late for CPR because rigor mortis has set in.23) EXT. SUMMIT HIGH RISE – DAY
BB and others watch as Hurricane Ida pummels the East River and the Summit pancakes down.
A SERIES OF SHOTS
The pile transforms for search and rescue. BB and Joe are working hard. Remains of OMAR and SANDRINE, Ibrahim’s wife and daughter are found.24) EXT. NEW PALTZ CEMETERY – DAY
A Muslim service for Omar and Sandrine. Everyone is there but Ibrahim is hollow, silent, devastated by this loss.25) INT. TUDOR MANSION – DAY
Ibrahim meets BB in his office. Papers are exchanged.
A SERIES OF SHOTS
as his home is transformed into a modern art gallery with the return of FADMA, his former wife, and their daughter MINA, also an artist. This time he doesn’t protest. He works harder.
FLASHBACK to when he used a knife to cut up her paintings over twenty years ago when he found out she was pregnant with Jake’s child.26) EXT. GARAGE – DAY
BB is designing a deluxe boat for Ibrahim with expert architects. He also toys with the last antique car, fixing the brakes.EXT. CAR – DAWN
Leo putters with a car fixing brakes.7) A SERIES OF SHOTS – FLASHBACK
His wife Natalia crashes the car on a snowy road. It blows up killing her.
Leo lovingly prepares her body for burial.
Leo lustfully satisfies himself after hours.
People come and cry, especially his handsome adopted son JOE.
Leo and his son JOE go to the funeral of Floyd Patterson at the same New Paltz cemetery.
Leo watches him box in his boxing conditioning studio as beautiful girls like PRICELESS watch.27) EXT. SOLAR HOUSE – DAY
The antique car blows up in the driveway instantly killing Norm and Keith. CS, Joe’s wife, runs out and passes out from flames. SIRENS scream and Joe arrives to pick up CS but the geothermal basement explodes, killing him and demolishing the house.28) EXT. CHURCH CEMETERY – NIGHT
Ibrahim and BB are screaming at each other. Then BB is left alone crying at Joe’s grave. Or is this PP1?29) INT. TUDOR TOWER – NIGHT
Ibrahim and BB are consulting in his new office overlooking Fort Washington Park. This time there are vials for neurodegenerative diseases. BB talks about sex reassignment. He would be more potent as a hit woman. Ibrahim must be convinced. Their master/servant relationship is changing with conflict.30) INT. HOSPITAL – DAY
A SERIES OF SHOTS in various hospital rooms as BB slowly emerges as Betty, a sixty-something woman.31) INT. COLONIAL MANSION – DAY
Betty cooks as well as cleans for Jake, Litonya, Kisele, and their little ones, Aanadi, his granddaughter, and Jesse, their newborn. Betty’s first transformation is to develop a sense of humor.32) INT. LA ROCHE STONE MANSION – DAY
But Jake is no longer laughing because his dad is locked in with ALS and his mom is locked out with Alzheimer’s and he is desperate for something to help them. Betty occasionally helps out because she is stronger than most women. It takes both Jake and BB to bring his mom back from the woods.33) EXT. WOODS – NIGHT Is this Midpoint?
Betty goes for a moonlit canoe ride and is raped by the banks of the Wallkill the way he did it as Leo years ago. But her body is only raped, not murdered, and she has no idea who the masked gang was. Ironically, she feels more empowered.FLASHBACK to the murders and rapes Bobby/Leo committed in the nineties in the same place.
34) EXT. IBRAHIM’S BOAT – DAY
BB sails down the Hudson venturing into a secret lab with masked scientists looking as anonymous as the men who raped her. Ibrahim consults with them on the brain buffet. We see huge screens with radiographs. Delphine, one of his daughters, is a brain scientist.35) INT. HOSPITAL – DAY
This time Betty’s surgery is on her brain. Then she is given a precious vial of drugs. A FEW MONTHS LATER. She reads more quickly and holds a zoom conference talking faster and with bigger words than ever before like a STEM college student.36) INT. LA ROCHE STONE MANSION – NIGHT
Jake is helping his father, Jean, pass on to a better place with a massage. Tapes of former history lectures are playing. BB helps take out the corpse.37) EXT. CHURCH CEMETERY – DAY
Jean La Roche’s service is attended by townspeople, the kids, Litonya, and Jake but there is no sign of Ibrahim. His wife, doctor Joan, Jake’s mom, is so beset by Alzheimer’s she doesn’t realize her husband has died. Betty is even better at mortuary duties, a woman of all trades. After the service, Jake pleads with Betty to find out about Ibrahim’s research because he heard Delphine talking about it with Coral and Kisele.38) INT TURQUOISE CHURCH GYM – DAY
Jake loses his balance and drops weights because of his tremor as he works out with Coral, Delphine, Kisele et al. He hears more from the kids about Ibrahim’s research because they are also computer experts. He says he may have Parkinson’s andis desperate to find cures for him and his mom.
39) EXT. PALISADES – DAY
Litonya and Jake are walking along the cliffs to the boat where Betty and the kids are working. Litonya has the beginnings of pulmonary fibrosis with that horrible chest cough. They discuss the physiology of getting rid of the plaques and clots that make humans miserable, especially in old age. They sail to Inwood where Betty gets off to go to40) INT. TUDOR TOWER – NIGHT
As they consult, it is evident that Ibrahim and Betty have successfully turned back time with their secret brain buffet. Ibrahim says that the STEMGARCHS control the distribution and we cannot give it to anyone. Our mission is to get rid of as many people as possible. They have an argument over who is entitled but Betty backs down because she is now a submissive woman.41) INT. NEW PALTZ LIBRARY Years Later
Jesse is taking an interest in history, after his late grandfather Jean La Roche, and is intrigued by the unsolved crimes in the area, more cadavers and disappearances to which perpetrators are not attached.SERIES OF SHOTS
For Haunted Huguenot Street, Jesse attends all the events, talks to people of all ages, pores through books, and tries to uncover what happened years ago. He has a hunch that BB might be connected because of his arrest for assault and the way he or she is now. He finds a way to hypnotize Betty with the help of Aanadi who is a health care worker and yoga/meditation/hypnosis expert. The screams, details, visions, nightmares, and actions make them think Leo might have been the killer. The kids are good actors and follow Betty around, making notes. Delphine pretends it is a play they are rehearsing for a ship performance.42) INT. LA ROCHE STONE MANSION – DAY
Jake pleads with Betty for at least the Alzheimer’s drug to get the stick glue out of his mother Joan’s brain. Betty feigns ignorance because she is just a cook. They struggle with Joan and eventually she trips and falls because Betty secretly arranged the carpet that way. Her Living Will says DNI, DNR, no antibiotics, so Jake must refrain from giving her CPR.43) EXT. CHURCH CEMETERY – DAY
Joan is laid to rest beside her husband Jean, but their son Jake will not rest. His Parkinson’s is worse, and he is terrified it will progress to Lewy Body dementia. His wife Litonya coughs so badly she cannot run and hike the way she did. They need and deserve that brain buffet. But Betty didn’t come to this funeral for the first time. Where is she?44) INT. LA ROCHE LIBRARY – DAY
Litonya and Jake consult with Jesse, Aanadi, Kisele, Coral, and Delphine about Betty and the brain buffet. Arguments erupt about nature, nurture, and how far humans can go with science.45) EXT. BOAT – NIGHT Crisis
Jake confronts Betty with his crimes as Leo. At first she denies, but as the proof mounts, Jake hits her with a barrage of evidence. She then confesses to the COVID murders, the tenement and outdoor restaurant torches, and other non-sexual crimes. Jake makes a deal for secrecy in exchange for the precious drugs that Ibrahim will not give him, always pretending to be powerless.46) INT. TUDOR TOWER – NIGHT Climax
Betty cooks a delicious Mediterranean meal. Ibrahim sits by the fire overlooking the Hudson River, a little sleepier than usual. Betty talks on the phone to Jake. The food is carefully poisoned. As they sit down to eat, Betty tries to give Ibrahim the poisoned part, but Ibrahim wants to share everything. Torn between a possible death with him now or exposure of her past crimes and imprisonment, Betty chooses the former, but eats more slowly.TIME SLOWS DOWN.
Ibrahim sinks forever into his sofa so they think. Betty wobbles to the door opening for Jake and the kids who run in and up to Ibrahim’s office to get the secret drugs. Suddenly Ibrahim awakes and takes a weapon out of his pocket for a final, dramatic struggle that he loses when Jake is forced to finish him off. Jake takes the drugs right away but Litonya only takes one. She has more confidence in natural processes. Betty is delirious. Nothing can save her.
47) EXT. INWOOD COVE – NIGHT
Jake, Litonya, and the kids put Betty on her boat as her lights are going out. She gently rocks herself to death.FLASHBACK to the opening shot of Bobby rocking in the womb.
Jake and the kids get on their boat and sail to the Palisades. Magma rocks slide into the Hudson as the rock cycle continues. We transform to survive. We transform as we die.
FINIS
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Hi, Julia. Would you mind if I provided some feedback?
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Hi, Julia.
I’d like to provide some feedback, but I’d like to know a) if there’s anything you’d like me to focus on and b) how in-depth and analytical you’d like.
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Julia’s critique of Jim Peacock. Based on the email I just got from Hal, he said to try to critique three outlines. If you don’t want to read this, no problem. It was a good exercise because I like your project.
I also have a character called Jake who matures but your guy is much smarter and his transformation is more dramatic. I think Undercover and the Love story mesh well together because Mary has many sides that you milk throughout the script. I like her twinkle at the end and her strength and assertiveness when she shoots Jean Claude.
As you continue, I would clarify specific dilemmas that are either/or options so that you can escalate beats with Hal’s methodical magic.
Your stakes are high with the dirty bomb plot connected to the cyberterrorism. I recently finished a sci fi thriller novel by Riddle who also has a tech background like your Jake and I was overwhelmed but then bored by non-stop action and violence. You add dimension with your mirror-geek relationship. This also expands your audience.
I like the unique environment in the Canadian wilderness. I have tons of relatives in B.C. near Pender, Texada, and further north and a DP nephew who shoots documentaries up there. It brings originality to a film that could be cliche if filmed in Hollywood in the typical way.
I was curious about the Middle Eastern group and their objectives. How similar are they to Isis, Al Qaeda, Taliban? Where does reality intersect with your imagination and vision? Is this more of a high tech thriller with sci fi elements or is everything naturalistic? My Ibrahim al Harbi is a Saudi based on terrorists I knew and researched and I traveled to the Middle East after 9/11 but he gives up Islam in favor of his STEMGARCHS because he loses his faith. And then I depart into speculative fiction or fantasy. How religious are your antagonists? More research in this area would develop your high concept conflict on a sociological level.
These questions would leave to how you want to sequence scenes since you have a love story, transformational drama, as well as a thriller. I love that kind of tapestry but some producers want a more narrow focus. But at this stage, I would keep opening up, not narrowing down. 🙂
It looks like you have a good feel for the combustion of crisis/climax/conclusion.
Fantastic job so far!
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Great feedback, Julia. Thank you so much. You make some eye-opening comments that I’ll be addressing.
The middle eastern group is based on a real collection of disparate militia groups, trying to form a bond. But I haven’t researched that a great deal. That is a significant shortcoming. After a lot of research, I’ll need to define who my true antagonist is, backstory, and how best to fold that into my plot. For me this is more a love story, and I love that angle.
Good point about naturalist vs SFX. I see this not as a James Bond movie, but very much naturalistic.
Thanks again!
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Julia’s critique of Rob Bertrand. Based on Hal’s latest email, I decided to pick three outlines to critique. You don’t have to exchange or read. I am just following option D. 🙂
I like the world of your project and imagine a huge audience of teenagers and their parents. You have diversity/inclusion elements with the lesbian relationship and Danny who pretends to be the mother. It is universal but unique.
Your plot points are clear, well chosen, and dramatic. The dad’s drinking is to blame in part for the mom’s death as well as his horrible behavior at the funeral. I would develop his character more throughout the scenes presenting him with the dilemma of giving up drinking or losing his life and family. I didn’t see an either/or for your dilemma.
Annie’s perception of her monster in the walls is fantastic but who else sees him but the audience? I am intrigued by the character of her obsessive stalker boyfriend. I wonder why Danny is a high school dropout. What mental problems does he have? What does he see in this unavailable little girl? Does he have schizoaffective disorder? Or does he temporarily become a real monster?
I love the way the horror ends with the break-up, coming out, moving away, and abstinence of the drunken dad in a happy American family scenario, especially because the premise of a rejected lover turning into a monster who lives in the walls of your bedroom.
Your outline is crystal clear and your budget super low. To craft a riddle that takes 90 minutes of screen time, I wonder what other layers, shots, situations you will add to complicate it enough so that smart audiences have to solve your intriguing puzzle.
This movie could be made soon–maybe next spring? BTW–I see the house but what is the outside world like? The school? What was the mother like? How does Danny resemble the mother? The fact that I am asking so many questions means that you are creating intrigue. Good luck!
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Thank you!
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Julia’s critique of Quincy Cooke. Hal said to pick three outlines and critique them so I do what I told like your female killers hypnotized by Bellerophon the malevolent shrink. (Great name.)
Your plot/structure is so clear and abbreviated I wasn’t sure what was going on but some confusion heightens intrigue with horror and mystery. Everything is clear but the dilemma that should be at least two unacceptable either/or choices.However, once you start writing your sluglines, I sense a master at work with directing or DP experience. Your sequencing is excellent and you choose focused actions for each scene that escalate your drama.
I understand the need for killing sprees that are not “subtle,” especially at the end, but to orchestrate the dynamics, I wonder if you can add fragile, vulnerable, or happy homemaker scenes only to make the horror more poignant.
Helen and Cassie are powerful, dramatic, and somewhat hysterical as they should be but I am curious about the men. Besides being a “cliched” psychiatrist, what is driving Bellerophon to do this? What is his past? What is his subtext? Same with the detective. I knew a real serial killer up in New Paltz and a secret psychopath here in Manhattan and they had complex personalities, long histories, and multiple ways of interacting with different people to conceal their thoughts.
No matter what, I hope you can direct your film as well! It will be produced.
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Thanks, Julia.
The males are a little flat, but I imagine they will flesh out during the module.
I’ll return the favor soonest.
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Elizabeth’s For Critique:
What I learned: Where do I even begin?
Title: To Find what Freud Forgot
Genre: Family Comedy; Ensemble
Concept: What if: a piece that Freud forgot can help everyone, no matter their age, live better lives?
Logline: When Ed, a passively suicidal, retired psychiatrist meets a feuding couple on a bus and discovers the woman is the daughter of the son his late wife once gave up for adoption, he and his retirement home buddies get sucked into the family’s dysfunction as the couple attempts (for the 7<sup>th</sup> time) to get married, and, as people, from young to old, help Ed discover what Freud forgot, he’s once again able to “love and work”—to help everyone else find whatever piece of this new, improved Living Well Trifecta they’re missing.
Dramatic Question: Can Ed (and everyone around him) figure out how share with the world their love, work and play—or will they continue to wallow in their defenses?
Main Conflict: people versus their protective psychological defenses—that also keep them from growing and living as fully as they can.
Theme: No matter your age, you—and the world—need your love, work and play.
Lead Characters, Emotional Dilemmas and ARCs:
Ed (70’s): a physically-vibrant, widowed, retired psychiatrist goes from passively
suicidal/grief-stuck to “loving and working” -a la Freud, again, now that he can play.
Emotional Dilemma (psychological defense = suppression): knows he hasn’t worked through his dad’s/wife’s deaths—but facing feelings is such hard work!
Part to be changed: avoids his own grief/psychological work
Biggest Fear: if he “plays” someone else will die
Completion of Arc: saves the wedding by stepping in to play the rock music he thought killed his dad when he was 11.
Grace (34): Ed’s late wife’s biological granddaughter, owner of a cash-strapped
children’s theater who’s left her beloved fiancé “at the alter” six times, goes
from commitment-avoidant to making the commitment she and everyone in her
family needs.
Emotional Dilemma (psychological defense = obsession/dissociation)needs/wants to commit but is too scared.
Part to be changed: keeps backing out of her wedding
Biggest Fear: if she marries her beloved he’ll leave like her dad did
Completion of Arc: says “I DO.”
Mike (34): Grace’s fiancé, lovable ADHD all-star computer gamer, can’t keep a job
until, with a little treatment, he partners with Christopher (below) and
investors/advisors from Ed’s nursing home to launch an interactive video game
based startup that (playfully) improves balance, cognition, and social/work
interactions for seniors—and finally gets Grace to marry him.
Emotional Dilemma (psychological defense = distraction/pleasure-seeking)wants/needs to provide for his family but is scared to take the meds that will help him do this.
Part to be changed: scattered, playing too many video games
Biggest Fear: if he takes meds he’ll be a different person
Completion of Arc: runs a start-up
Adam/Eve (11): Grace and Mike’s gender-assigned-at-birth son, becomes who she is.
Emotional Dilemma (psychological defense = projection)thinks her family wants her to be a boy but identifies as a girl.
Part to be changed: trying to be someone she’s not
Biggest Fear: she’ll be rejected if she lives as she is
Completion of Arc: makes the family’s wedding attire, including her own designer dress
Christopher (26) Grace’s half-brother, dysphoric, socially anxious computer engineer
finally emancipates when he falls in love with the activities coordinator at
Ed’s nursing home and starts programming for the start-up.
Emotional Dilemma (psychological defense = avoidance)wants/needs his own life
but feels his mother can’t survive without him constantly around.
Part to be changed: depressed and socially isolated
Biggest Fear: his mother, Linda, can’t make it alone
Completion of Arc: leaves his mother for a girlfriend
More minor characters:
Jewels (68) Grace’s (Change-agent) great aunt divorced hippy minister, helps Ed learn to let himself play (especially the Hendrix-inspired rock he’s forever loved) at the wedding when the hired musicians get stoned. Travels the world with Ed in Mini Movie 8 (Resolution)
Mark (52) Grace’s long-estranged dad, Linda’s Ex Travel Video producer, shows up to meet his daughter Grace before the wedding, then has a heart-attack, and, after being absolved by Grace & seeing the travel pictures and note from his librarian bio-mom saying she hoped he didn’t inherit her agoraphobia and traveled as she always wanted to, dies with a contented smile on his face.
Linda 52, Grace’s narcissistic mother, becomes able, with the help of a bed-bound nun at the nursing home, to love others (as herself) just a little bit more.
Kristian (3) Grace and Mike’s child who does the developmentally-appropriate (but delayed) work of potty-training and talking as he also does what he does best—loving and playing.
Pat (75) Tough Biker-chick who “builds shit,” retirement home neighbor of Ed, makes Adam-Eve a fashion-show stage for her fashion-wear, (gently-her arc) prompts Ed to play at the wedding as she plays harmonica. Builds things for the start-up.
Mary (98) bed-bound nun at Ed’s nursing home, shows up to the wedding on Pat’s motorcycle to help Linda (who’s been coming to her for counsel) be more generous in some yet TBD way that helps the wedding happen.
Wade (retired investment banker) & Judy (80’s) Leave It To Beaver-esque, re-ignite their own love as they help Mike and Grace with a few marriage basics, and finance/partner in the start-up.
Walt (80’s) former construction worker, wheelchair bound nursing home friend of Ed over video, directs the emergency repair of a spewing water pipe in the church before the ceremony, then runs the “DIY Virtual Golden Handyman-Instructor” arm of the business’ work.
Lauren (28) Activities coordinator at the nursing home, finds love with Christopher.
9 Beat Structure (Transformation):
1. Opening: Ed, a super-antsy, strikingly fit old man is on a charter bus with others less-abled, winding through lush grounds to a 5-star retirement estate where Ed leaps out, rushes past others waiting to hear a live folk-band performance, comments, “the doctor must get to his very important work/book”—rushes into his apartment (austere, except a fancy shrine to his deceased wife), which he pays homage to, before jetting past a Freud-style office (but for the computer. On screen: Psychiatry Text Book, page one—otherwise blank). A quick teeth brush, nighttime vitamins, dresses for bed—in a suit. Lies in a coffin-like bed. Crossed hands on chest, eyes closed. Which fly back open, like Bella in Twilight, at an insane pounding on his door. Alive and annoyed—
2. Inciting Incident: Ed sees a dramatically fighting couple on a city bus—and the woman looks like his deceased wife when they married! After his piece of ridiculously simple advice vaporizes their fight and makes them strangely, gushingly grateful, he shows them his wedding photo, and the woman sees it as a “sign,”—and is also sure she’s found her long-lost grandma.
3. Theme: As stated by annoyed hippy biker-chick retirement home-mate, Pat, when he declines her offer of a (bike) ride to the graveyard for his daily visit: “You are stuck in your ruts! Didn’t they teach you how to live in shrink school?”
4. First Turning Point: Grace shows up for the third time at his apartment, distressed over her latest fiancé fight (TBD details harken the TBD TP moment between Grace and Mike). But also with the positive results of a “Grandmommy and Me” genetic test from a hair she snatched off a brush on the shrine last visit. Ed sends her away saying “Grandmommy is DEAD”. But as he picks up the brush, notices the dusty padlocked box on the shelf below. His shaking shifts a label, reveals: “For Albert”. The name she gave Grace’s dad.
5. Midpoint: After nearly missing him on prior family home visits, Ed meets Mark (who Ed’s wife called Albert). But, after intros and niceties, as Ed’s about to give him the box, Mark clutches his chest, gets rushed to the ED. Suddenly the “passing off of the box” feels like more than “checking a box” on Ed’s new bucket list for “transitioning to the next world.” Now he cares about everyone in the family… (TBD: particular MP moments for the other ensemble characters).
6. Second Turning Point: in a hospital room, surrounded by family/retirement home friends, Mark looks through travel photos from the box, reads Susan’s letter to him aloud (she hopes he didn’t inherit her agoraphobia and could travel as she always wanted). Then, satisfied grin on his face, he dies. Grace cries as her mom, Linda, rages that the “damn dick” was in Grace’s life for a total of two weeks—aside from the 2 minutes he spent siring her. Mike, in typical headset, obliviously plays an iPad shooter game, screen-mirrored on the TV until Linda grabs the controls for “something to shoot.” But the jostling shifts the screen to a video-recorded song from Grace’s Teen Theater production of Finding Neverland: “Play.” People start sadly, slowly singing-and-dancing along. But Ed’s been forced back to his own absentee dad’s identical early death and rushes out. (TBD- other ensemble character TP particulars)
7. Crisis: having advised Grace to go ahead with the wedding, Ed plans to check off the final box on his new bucket list by attending—then go back to his old life: his death watch. But on The Day, problems arise, deftly handled by retirement home friends. Nevertheless, Grace takes this as the final “sign” (of 3 or 4 so far), that we now learn means she shouldn’t get married. Ed finally breaks his therapeutic frame, and in mutual grieving, they connect as he shares/works through how he “knew” at 11 it was his rock music that killed his dad—on the day he finally showed back up. Feeling how very “right” of a grandfather-figure Ed is, (as opposed to her “father figure” father), Grace, finally feels how right Mike is, and can get married. But—
8. Climax: …the delay in wedding has given the musicians time to get too stoned to play. A kick-in-the ass prompt by Jewels, and a gentle one by biker-chick, Pat, get Ed to make a phone call, and we see two old hippies leave the warehouse (with instruments) that we (in Mini Movies 1&2) saw Ed go into daily after his graveyard visits—where he routinely blew past Jimi Hendrix’ elaborate grave to get to his wife’s. Next we see these characters with Ed behind the alter, where Mike and Jewels await. Ed and the other hippy musicians play a Jimi Henderix-esque cover of the Wedding March as a beaming Grace follows Eve (in dresses she designed) and Kristian (very playfully, details TBD) down the isle. Probably, then, there’s another hard cover of a soft love song that gets Grace’s theater kids dancing in the isles.
9. Resolution: Series of Shots (not in order): Grace and Mike: on a truly adult honeymoon—no kids in 11 years. Ed and others place flowers on Susan’s grave—then on neighboring Jimi Hendrix’s. Ed and Jewels with the kids in Disneyland, Ed jots book notes as they joyfully take rides. Ed and Jewels putting the kids on a plane to Seattle before getting on another plane. Kids getting picked up by Pat at the airport, then playing with residents at the retirement home. Ed dictating his book into his phone as he and Jewels visit sites in Europe, scattering some of Mark’s ashes in each place. Grace and Miketry drunkenly to scatter ashes from a ziplock into a fountain in Las Vegas, get chased by cops when the wind blows them everywhere. Ed taking a toke from Jewels. Linda at Sister Mary’s bedside: 3 shots, spread over the rest—Linda talking, then crying, then listening. Mike directing (via Zoom from Las Vegas, then at the retirement home) the new start up in an unoccupied unit. Walt, Wade and Judy and others demonstrating balance, etc. exercises for Mike to put into video-game mock-up and Christopher to code. In wheelchair and VR gear from the start-up office, Walt virtually assists several Millennial/Gen X, Z-ers with home projects. Other shots to show the start-up in love/work/play-action, lastly with people around the world doing gaming physical exercises on screens all over the office’s walls (as you see in game-making companies). Eve and Kristian doing their playful kid things. Linda doing something attentive to the kids.
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Hi, Elizabeth. Hope it’s okay to reply here. Your email bounced.
Hey, Elizabeth! Here’s my feedback. Loved the read!!
Logline: based on the little I know, the logline needs to be 1 sentence in order to be called high concept. Something that can be told quickly, in an elevator pitch. This can definitely be done with what you have; just may take a little work. 🙂 Format: A ________ does what to accomplish _______. Maybe “A retired psychiatrist comes out of retirement to ?.” Not sure what he’s trying to accomplish based on your logline.
Dramatic Question: Where are the stakes. Having your protagonist figure out how to share is not nearly the stakes I think a producer is going to want to see.
Main conflict: I don’t see one. Can you insert an antagonist who creates conflict? Maybe Mike? While I really enjoyed the script, I again just done’ see much conflict here. It’s a good story but may not make as good a movie. The bright side is that I see tons of ways for you to add conflict to the script. Create some bigger bumps along the way. 🙂
Resolution: Do you see the resolution as only a series of shots? That may be because there’s no conflict to resolve. Just a warm fuzzy. 🙂
Is this more a love story, or an increasing ability to open one’s heart? I really enjoyed the angst each of the characters showed. Grace in particular seems to have a lot of issues. But do we know why? What’s the backstory here? Maybe you can set up a reason why she’s this way?
Loved the read!
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I think it is great to reply here-but sorry the email bounced. In case I typed it in wrong: elizabethkoenig18@gmail.com
And thank you for this! I’ve printed for reference as I go along. Wonderful things to focus on. I’ll be looking at yours very soon. Want me to email?
Lmk if you’d like to continue exchanging as we move forward and best of luck!
OH and a question, are you getting more emails for ongoing assignments? I’m not!
Take care.
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Elizabeth, I’d love to continue exchanging – not only in this module, but moving forward. Great.
I think Hal mentioned that he’s going to give us some time to collaborate. Was it 15 days? I’ll have go to back and look
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Let’s do! You’ve got my email.
As for how long we’ve got, 5 days sticks in my mind—but don’t hold me to it! I can’t even remember what day that info might have come to us~
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Elizabeth:
Thank you for the opportunity and for any feedback for my assignment. Solid job overall.
Title: To Find what Freud Forgot. Like it a lot. I also like “What Freud Forgot.” Which is important because is your story about finding it, or learning what Freud forgot?
Genre: The logline gave me ensemble comedy right away. Good job getting that across as this, in my opinion, is a complex genre to pull off.
Concept: A piece… of what? I wasn’t sure I understood the story from Concept alone. The logline gave me more insight. But the concept as written made me think this was a different genre: even sci-fi or spirituality. Perhaps it would be considerably helpful to focus the Concept right away on a smaller world/group of people we’re about to meet, and think about how the general audience (no matter their demographics) would interpret this Concept.
Logline: Maybe it’s me or my ignorance on modern Psychology but I don’t understand what is this thing “Freud forgot.” Could this be more specific / “tangible” so it’s clear to anyone from the fisherman to the rocket scientist?
Dramatic Question: Not sure I understood this. May I recommend going with a more specific, tangible choice of words.
Main Conflict: Good. This was clear to me because the terms were layman and I could picture everything.
Theme: I thought the theme was something like healing your wounds or confronting your past in order to move on/grow. Not sure I got the work/play from the outline. Ed can point out everyone’s problems easily… except his own.
Lead Characters, Emotional Dilemmas and ARCs:
Ed (70’s): LOVE ED! Great character.
Emotional Dilemma (psychological defense = suppression): Good. Made me want to know more about Ed’s relationship to his dead loved ones than the living characters to be frank.
Completion of Arc: Great moment for a bankable older actor here.
Don’t be afraid to center the story more around Ed, your most compelling character in my opinion. All your characters are strong and well-defined. Wondering if you need absolutely all of them to tell this story? It seems more satisfying emphasis could be given on understanding Ed and his immediate relationship with the new found granddaughter (and his troubled past, which is in your theme).
9 Beat Structure (Transformation):
The theme stated so plainly in the outline sounds great here, but I’m not seeing it during the execution of the full outline. So many small details seem to be losing the bigger picture of what the story aims to accomplish in one sentence.
1. Does all of the SLW reflect the concept?
No. Because the concept is so general that applies to everyone in the world, I’m not sure the actual story is being told on the high concept level.
2. Did the writer get to the essence of the Dramatic Question and Main Conflict?
The dramatic question is interesting, but I’m not sure it will hook a producer immediately. I would suggest going more “tangible.” You know a lot about your story already, but the regular producer who is on his phone scrolling while you pitch something to him on the phone might get lost or confused. The main conflict is well executed. I truly enjoy how that pans out. Particularly liking the second act after the midpoint. I think the setup of the film needs to be simplified to achieve the complexity sought in the message/theme/dilemma.
3. Does the Dramatic Question show up in the Structure?
It shows up at the end/resolution and mostly during the last act. Almost like we have a beginning and ending, but no muddle (middle).
4. Is the Main Conflict, Dilemma, and Theme represented in the Structure?
The theme is represented, but mostly after Midpoint.
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Oh Armand, you are a gem to take so much time with this! And thank you for your wonderful and organizing thoughts. Frankly, I feel like I’ll only appreciate them more as I take them, one at a time, and re-read (then re-re-read) them. Clarity must be one of your gifts.
Let me know if you have interest in any future critique work. I’m finding myself wanting to ask you questions, as in my novel critique world. You’re that good.
Have a great night.
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Hello! If anyone stills needs feedback, please consider critiquing my assignment and I’ll happily reciprocate promptly.
Request for Feedback Exchange
Armand’s SLW Version 1
A. Concept:
A ghost haunting the house where he was murdered must save a group of college kids from impending death, when the killer who was never caught returns for an anniversary spree.
B. Plot Choice:
Metamorphosis: The story begins with the ghost trapped in his “afterlife” rituals. He discovers Maddie (the girl he loved and final girl from the opening killing spree) is alive by Act 2, and the ghost evolves throughout the story from coward to courageous. By the end of the story, the ghost is “freed” and can go on to rest in peace.
C. Character Structure: Protagonist versus Antagonist.
The ghost is our hero. But he is a coward. The girl he loved, who is the final girl from the opening killing spree, is the force of change when she reappears as a badass survivor who has been waiting on the killer to return to stop him.
D. Lead Characters (*Name* is an *identity* who *does X in the story*.):
My protagonist is Tyler: an entitled, cowardly college kid who became a ghost after a slasher-type massacre and now has to save a new batch of college kids when his killer returns.
My antagonist is Maddie, Tyler’s college girlfriend who survived the opening scene killing spree and has grown obsessed with the never-caught-killer’s return. Maddie has been secretly waiting for the killer to strike back convinced she can stop him now.
There are also two half-sisters who don’t get along: Dallas. The college girl pushed by her friends to organize a party at her family’s vacation summer manor (Tyler’s haunted place). And Lex. Dallas’s 16 y.o. goth sister who is really into true crime and murders. She’s secretly tagged along with her sister and college friends to research Tyler’s murder.
E. Dramatic Question: Can Tyler the ghost stop history from repeating itself and prevent another massacre?
F. Main Conflict: Can Tyler, the ghost, and Maddie, the final girl, save this new group of college kids from being killed?
G. Dilemma: Tyler faces these choices: To allow the serial killer to “win again” without interfering and “live” with the guilt of letting more innocent college kids die OR Intervene, having to confront his biggest fear and… fail anyway.
H. Theme: Sooner or later, you must confront your fears in order to move on.
I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any): Tyler, the ghost, goes from being a coward to a brave hero who saves the day.
2. Post the current version of your outline:
1. OPENING
In slasher-film style: Tyler, a privileged college jerk, has invited a group of friends including his girlfriend Maddie to party at his family’s remote summer manor.
A masked serial killer kills all of Tyler’s friends one by one. Tyler hides as his friends are murdered, making it second-to-last (with Maddie).
2. THE INCITING INCIDENT
Tyler, totally scared, is killed (while trying to ditch Maddie and save himself) AND Maddie runs away from the serial killer. Before we know what happens next: Tyler’s soul becomes “cursed” and he turns into a ghost. Tyler regrets being a coward and not saving Maddie and his friends. We learned the manor was abandoned for 20 years…
3. BY PAGE 10, WE KNOW WHAT THE MOVIE IS ABOUT
A new crop of college kids show up to party for the weekend. We meet Dallas and Lex, half-sisters of different trophy wives who don’t get along. We know the ghost’s afterlife is disturbed by the college kids’ arrival and we discover the KILLER is going to strike again.
4. FIRST TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT ONE
Tyler realizes the serial killer is back when one of the ensemble college kids is murdered early on. Tyler attempts stopping the serial killer, but he is a ghost who can’t materialize or touch the killer so he fails. Tyler communicates with Lex using a Ouija app. Tyler and Lex try to convince the other kids of the killer’s return.
5. MID-POINT
Adult Maddie, now a badass a la Jamie Lee Curtis in Halloween, appears and HELPS fight the serial killer. Tyler re-connects with Maddie a la “Ghost.”
6. SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT TWO
The serial killer kills Dallas, Lex’s sister.
7. CRISIS
Tyler has failed to protect the college kids. The killer will win unless Tyler stops him.
8. CLIMAX
Tyler and Maddie fight the serial killer.
9. RESOLUTION
Tyler and Maddie defeat the killer. But Maddie dies in the process. Tyler, freed from his ghost state, and Maddie’s souls move on to rest in peace together.
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Armand,
I would appreciate the opportunity to provide feedback for you, and yes, please review mine as well. Thank you.
John Budinscak
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Hello John. I’ll review your assignment tomorrow Oct 1st AM and post the reply here.
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</div>Thank you, Armand.
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Hi John:
Thank you for the opportunity to read your assignment and for my feedback. I really like your concept. I love the idea of the family road trip and I’m curious about this story.
Regarding Concept: I think there’s an opportunity for change coming both ways (uncle and nephews). He’s teaching the young kids, AND from your Concept we know he will learn something from this experience too. Sounds like a great setup.
Question: the package in the concept? To whom? That may be be important regarding tone.
Update after finishing reading: I suspected this was mob-related by only reading Concept and then I read all your assignment. Perhaps the mob needs to be in the concept. It may elevate the story and stakes.
I enjoyed your lead characters. Based on what we studied so far, I wonder if the nephew team is the bigger agent of change. The Don is there to raise the stakes, but who is producing the most change in our main character OVERALL? Does uncle and nephews own the story equally?
The “Versus” in your Character Structure hints at a potential different structure, maybe. The road trip is the set up of your story. We know a road trip brings surprises, but what is the story really about at the core: family.
“But Uncle Jack has agreed to drive cross-country to deliver a package for a local crime boss to save his family’s restaurant from being destroyed by fire.”
I liked this explanation. It gave me more insight. I feel some of these details could be welcomed in other parts of your assignment and the outline.
Re: Protagonist Character Arc: I got the uncle’s potential change from the Concept. But in my opinion, we’re missing an opportunity for the nephew’s to “grow or mature” too. Does all of the SLW reflect the concept? Not entirely, but there are lots of fun possibilities. Your characters and arc are strong. Excellent job.
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Thanks, Armand – great input. You’ve got me thinking about the nephews as the antagonist(s), good insight. I appreciate all your comments.
John Budinscak
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Armand,
I enjoyed your story and I could easily see it when I read your structure. The story logic supports your interesting concept. And your structure addresses the Dramatic Question, Main Conflict and theme.
Given the unique relationship with Tyler, Maddie and the Killer, another Character Structure you may want to look at is the Dramatic Triangle. I reference this given how Tyler tried to ditch Maddie to save himself and his soul is cursed. Maddie’s fascination with stopping the killer – and how the two worked together in the Climax and your wonderful resolution.
I can see how Maddie is the force of change and that is a definition for Antagonist, but Maddie seems so much more to Tyler than that – and she doesn’t appear until the Midpoint. Plus you’ve got the Killer responsible for Tyler’s death still alive and coming back for more. But that’s the only comment I’ll make because I liked what I read.
Bottom line – I look forward to going to the movie theater and watching your film.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by John Budinscak.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by
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Hi Armand,
Would love to exchange if you’re still up for it?
Have a great day,
Elizabeth Koenig
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Hi Elizabeth:
Yes, thank you. Please review my assignment already posted here and I’ll start working on yours too. Thank you again.
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Should I post here? I don’t know how to work this new platform to direct message. But my email is elizabethkoenig18@gmail.com if that’s your preference. Anything is great for me (including you telling me how to direct message 🙃)
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You should be able to hit reply to this message and post here directly right after this message. Thank you.
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Armand, I absolutely love your premise. I love your theme, too! Characters are great, imho. Structure looks solid. I wondered if you wanted to make sure to get the theme in by page 10, as well (Blake Snyder-ish—but you’ve probably already thought about that). Regardless, I think you’re really going somewhere with this…
These posts are so high level, readers have few details—and lots of space to wonder about things. So take these next thoughts for whatever they might possibly be worth to YOU (don’t want to step on any cherished vision!):
I found myself wondering: what if this were a dramatic triangle? Would you have more to work with as you create layers and depth in later drafts? Like, what if the killer has some history with either or both of them? What if both were vying for Maddie’s attention, and the killer flew into a rage when it looked like he was losing out. Or—so many possibilities.
I also had the thought: what if Tyler and Maddie hadn’t QUITE gotten together before he died (building his cowardly trait)? What if Maddie also has an arc, GETS bad-ass with the help of Tyler as he arcs (so his arc is, in part, helping her—I’m thinking about your description of Tyler as ‘privileged,’ and taking the quantum (and maybe inaccurate) leap that he may also be a bit self-centric?). Anyway, this could happen as they, maybe, finally ‘get together’ as it were, during the movie. If you happened to want to go there.
And here’s more of a question (and a job hazard of mine): I’m wondering about the backstory, the killer’s motivation and if you were thinking about any metaphoric/meaning behind that motivation that, say, creates a demand for an anniversary spree?
And since it’s a family cabin, is Tyler related to Dallas and Lex? Just curious. Also, are you thinking horror or thriller? I bet you could do either.
All of the above is because I’m really interested—which means I’m hooked!
Anyway, I’m really excited about this. So happy to be classmates!
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Hi, Armand. I’d love to exchange feedback.
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Hi, Armand. Here’s my feedback.
Concept: Interesting concept, and I can really see this movie in my mind. Will be fun!
Characters: I’m a bit confused with the protag/antag. The killer is not the antagonist, but the girlfriend of the ghost/lead character/protagonist?
How does the the ghost manifest on the screen? If ala “Ghost” then how will you differentiate from that movie? Also, how do Tyler and Maddie defeat the killer? Pretty important consideration.
Loved the script and I’m looking forward to reading more.
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Hello Jim:
Thank you for your feedback. I’m away from my desk today. I’ll reply to your latest assignment with my feedback tomorrow 10/3 AM. Thank you again.
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Hi Armand!
As a huge slasher fan, I can say that I thoroughly enjoyed your concept. The idea of a slasher victim coming back as a ghost to try and help a new batch of victims survive another rampage from a killer, feels very fresh and original. The concept has my mind reeling with questions! And that’s a good thing!
I love the idea that your protagonist is a coward and actually abandons his friend to try and save himself. It will make his redemption so much more fulfilling. Making the final girl, tough as nails and ready for round 2 is a fun idea as well. The only character I want to know more about is the actual killer. Who is he/she? What’s their story? Is learning who the killer is part of the story? Is the killer a flesh and blood human? Or are they supernatural in some way? I also think it’s really important to set your ground rules for what the ghost can and can’t do.
Your 9 Point Story Structure tells a compelling story. I think it will become even better when you create an interesting mythology for your killer. It could be an added mystery for your protagonist to discover.
Great job!
Rob Bertrand
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Request for Feedback Exchange
Pablo Soriano SLW Version 1
CONCEPT: A Mexican family attempting to sneak across the border think they have a guardian angel when a drone begins to drop off food and supplies, when in actuality they are being televised on the dark web as Americans place bets on their success and are simply trying to give them the advantage for their own gain.
PLOT CHOICE AND SUMMARY: Sacrifice
CHARACTER STUCTURE: Dramatic Triangle
LEAD CHARACTERS:
A. Protagonist – Irma Escandon, Mexican mother of two young boys, trying to illegally cross the border with her two sons in hopes to give them a better life.
B. Antagonist – Frank Kazakowski, conservative vlogger that runs and produces a secret gambling ring that televises illegal immigrants attempting to cross the border.
B. Secondary Protagonist – Miguel, a semi-professional gamer that needs money to help his sick mother so he places a bet on the Escandon family to safely cross but finds a way to cheat.
DRAMATIC QUESTION: Can Irma find a better life for her and her sons?
MAIN CONFLICT: With the use of drones, a group of Ultranationalist techies create a gambling game show on the dark web where they live-stream illegal immigrants attempting to cross the border and ultimately inform the border patrol of the migrants’ location — Irma and her sons are the show’s newest “contestants.”
DILEMMA: Is Irma willing to give herself up to the authorities in order for her sons to make it across the border safely, possibly never seeing them again?
THEME: You can’t win the game unless you play.
CHARACTER ARC:
Due to a string of bad luck, Irma realizes she has to make her own luck when she makes the difficult decision to sneak across the border with her two sons and in the process she learns what it means to take big risks in order to succeed.
Part to be changed: Irma is broke and is left alone to care for her two sons.
Biggest fear: Irma – Being stuck in debt / Her two sons growing up in a bad environment.
Completion of arc: Irma finds support in others and she learns to help those with the same struggles.
1. Opening
Now broke due to her deadbeat husband’s drinking and gambling, Irma takes what little money she has to buy bus tickets out of their small, Mexican village to Texas where she and her two young boys can start a new life. Meanwhile, a young man named Miguel, a pro-gamer on Twitch in El Paso, TX, builds a drone as he takes care of his elderly mother who suffers from dementia. Frank, tech-savvy ultranationalist, pitches an idea to the border patrol for a high tech security system that uses drones to monitor the illegal entry of migrants. His idea is considered too expensive and he is turned down.
2. Inciting Incident
When her husband is murdered and her home is burglarized by the bookies/gangsters that he owed money to, the bus tickets are all she has left. She has no choice but to leave her small village. Miguel tests his new drone back in Texas. It works perfectly. But his aging mother is very ill and he needs a way to make money to take care of her. Frank goes back to work on his daily conservative talk show on youtube and rants about the border crisis.
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.
Without passports, Irma and her sons can only make it as far as Samalayuca, right outside of Ciudad Juarez. From there, they join a small caravan with the same goal of crossing the border through the Chihuahua Desert. As they set out, a fleet of drones stealthily records their every move. The ones controlling these drones are Frank and his production team who are secretly live-streaming the Mexican migration on the dark web. They take bets from viewers to see which immigrant makes it the furthest before they notify the authorities of their location. Miguel is one of these viewers and places bets on several “contestants”. He launches his homemade drone towards the direction of the action.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1
When the caravan discovers the drones are following them, many branch out and split up to avoid being captured with the group. Irma reluctantly breaks away from the caravan but later discovers a hidden package of food and water left by Miguel’s drone with a map of the land.
5. Mid-Point
As they make their way to Texas, the live-stream posts the odds of the certain individuals that are amongst the caravan as well as those that broke away. Irma was one of these individuals as a drone follows her. It is revealed that Irma’s odds are extremely low. Miguel prepares another delivery of supplies as his drone re-charges.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2
After Miguel’s drone drops off another package for Irma and her sons, his drone is spotted by Franks live-stream. Frank sends the drone assigned to Irma to follow Miguel’s back to his home in El Paso when it needs to recharge. Miguel catches wind of this and right before revealing his exact location, he kamikaze crashes his drone into the other to take it down. This gives Irma a small window of time to cross the border undetected. But now Miguel is unable to provide any supplies as the days are getting hotter.
7. Crisis
Irma’s youngest son slips and falls off of a rock and severely injures his leg. Famished and exhausted, Irma has to carry her youngest son through the desert. Back at Frank’s headquarters, we see X marks over the faces of several “contestants” as money (crypto) begins to pour in. Most have been caught, some are dead. As the remaining members of the caravan get closer to the borderline, Frank gives their exact coordinates to the border patrol. Frank’s team also narrows in on Miguel’s home and sends a couple of goons to take him out. With Irma unable to move quickly, the drones find her and Frank makes another call to the border patrol.
8. Climax
As Frank’s goons break into Miguel’s house, Miguels Twitch camera is left on and records them talking about Frank’s secret gambling ring. After Miguel and his mother are nowhere to be found, the goons leave. When Irma hears the buzz of a drone, she hands her eldest son the map and tells him to carry his little brother across the border. She runs a different direction to draw the drone away. After a daring attempt to escape capture, all three are caught by authorities.
9. Resolution
Frank scores big payday, and as the fleet of drones returns to their makeshift runway, he notices that one is different from the others. He realizes that it looks like Miguel’s only spray painted to look like one of his. He also notices that the camera is still on. Suddenly, police arrive at the scene with an arrest warrant for running a gambling operation and conspiracy to commit murder. The media is also there to expose Frank for his crimes. Meanwhile, Miguel and his mother sit safely with neighbors (also gamers), looking at Frank on a computer screen as he is handcuffed. It is revealed that Miguel tipped off the authorities and provided them with his own Twitch stream footage as well as his drone footage of the whole ordeal. With all the documentation, Irma’s entire story has gained national attention. There is an outpour of support as Miguel starts an online fundraiser on her behalf. Irma, now with enough money, opens a women’s shelter in her hometown. Her boys help her run it and they plan to visit Texas once their 5 year ban has expired.
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Pablo,
May I provide SLW feedback on your concept and story? Please let me know.
Thank you,
John Budinscak
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Of course, John. I’ll take all the help I can get. This idea definitely needs some tweaking. Please and thank you.
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Pablo,
You’ve got some great ideas in your story outline, and I think a very interesting movie.
All components of the Story Logic Web support your Concept, and the Dramatic Question shows up in your structure. There are some nice twists and turns, and I could see the story in my head when I read your outline.
For me, the Inciting Incident occurs when Irma’s husband is murdered and the home burglarized – all she has are the bus tickets. When that happens, she’s locked in and committed. Frank’s already in the gaming business and Miguel already has his drones. Their stories intertwine and gel when Irma and sons become contestants.
I wasn’t sure if there was another option to your Dilemma– “Is Irma willing to give herself up to the authorities in order for her sons to make it across the border safely, possibly never seeing them again … or … I wasn’t sure if I missed something.
Pablo, overall I enjoyed your story and I look forward to seeing how it evolves. Nice job!
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I know. The dilemma is weak. And the risk of her losing her sons only happens towards the end. It doesn’t work its way into the story that well.
I wonder if would be better if the bookies/gangsters threaten to take her sons to work for them in order pay off her late husband’s debts? Or she would have to? It would give her even more motivation to get the hell out of there. And then the entire thing would be about Irma protecting her children. All the way up to when she splits from them to lure the drone away. What do you think?
I’m not that happy with the resolution either. It will come to me.
I’ll keep working on it. Thanks for the input.
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Hi, Pablo. Hoping it’s okay to provide feedback:
First off, I LOVE the premise. It’s a fresh twist on the game plot we’ve all seen.
I’m glad you’re setting up Frank and his plan early so it can dovetail into the story.
But it seems there needs to be more risk from the outset rather than just being followed. We see the threat, but Irma does not. Can there be some direct interaction against Irma? Maybe Frank is scared of losing so either sends in his own mercearies, or attacks them in the air?
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Agreed. Irma needs to be running from something and not just towards something. I was toying with the idea of booby traps and stalkers/hunters but I wanted this to be somewhat realistic not a new rendition of The Hunger Games or The Running Man. But I think you are right that Frank needs more of an influence on the game itself. Like an ace up his sleeve that he can use to up the ante. Originally, I just had Frank take a page from Miguel’s book and use drones with food and water to try to lure Irma away from safe passage. But that’s boring. Maybe the bookies/gangsters are in cahoots with Frank or they have some line of communication. This was a suggestion I got from Quincy Cooke and I think it’s a good one. Maybe the bookies get a fee if they inform Frank of any leads on a caravan. And they specifically want Irma to get caught so she can pay off her dead husbands debts. Maybe they are on the chase too. But I really like your suggestion of Frank really not wanting to “lose.” A overly competitive villain. It’s a character flaw that could lead to his downfall. I’ll test some of these ideas out.
Thanks for your input, Jim. I’m all ears when it comes to suggestions and criticism.
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Pablo would you like to swap feedback if you still need to get your three in?
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Sorry for the late response. I’ve already hit my quota but I’m always up for more feedback. I’m a bit behind but I can possibly get something back to you by tomorrow. Would that be ok?
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No problem. After reviewing what you have done so far and reviewing the feedback you already received I have to agree with everything already suggested to you. I was going to suggest the same thing Quincy did. Overall I think you have a really strong SWL and great characters and premise, I’m excited to see this be polished, as it truly is a gem.
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Bob Smith – Request Feedback exchange. Many Thanks.
CURRENT SGTORY LOGIC WEB AS OF 10/1/21 CONCEPT for feedback:
THE CONCEPT
WORKING TITLE: “’Moths Around a Flame:’ The Making of ‘The Blue Angel.’” (Based on a true story.)
LOGLINE: The circumstances of making the erotic thriller “The Blue Angel” (1930) have an impact on the principal actors (Emil Jannings and [then unknown] Marlene Dietrich and the director (Josef von Sternberg) that parallel the story of the film in which a professor’s infatuation with a cabaret showgirl lead to his ruin.
PLOT CHOICE: (Tragic) #12 Transformation.
CHARACTER STRUCTURE: Dramatic Triangle.
The dramatic triangle is between the director (Josef von Sternberg) and Marlene Dietrich with Emil Jannings who believes Dietrich upstages him as the star of the film and has alienated von Sternberg from working with him.
LEAD CHARACTERS:
MARLENE DIETRICH is the ‘unknown” whom Josef von Sternberg is grooming for stardom.
JOSEF VON STERNBERG is the director of ‘The Blue Angel” who grooms Dietrich for stardom which grows into an affair that threatens his marriage and complicates his working relationship to his star, Emil Jannings
EMIL JANNINGS is an acclaimed Oscar-winning actor who is the star of “The Blue Angel” who feels dethroned by Dietrich and abandobned by von Sternberg who devotes himself almost full time to mentoring Dietrich to the negect of his working relationship with with him (Jannings).
THE NECESSARY QUESTIONS:
The Dramatic Question: How could an actor – a man of Jannings’ stature have allowed himself to be exploited by the Nazis in propaganda films?
The Main Conflict: Between Jannings and Dietrich with von Sternberg trying to mediate as director in this feud between his discovery and lover Dietrich and his star, Jannings.
The Emotional Dilemma:
For Jannings: To swallow his jealousy and animus, at the director’s request in order to be partners in art with Dietrich to complete the film. Later, with apparently no film career
in Hollywood, does Jannings work with the Nazi propagandist film industry just to have a motion picture career?
For Dietrich: To disregard her contempt for Jannings, at the director’s request and be partners in art with him for the completion of the film.
For von Sternberg: To be not only a lover and mentor for Dietrich but to be a director who mediates between feuding actors.
The Theme: What does a man gain if gains the whole world but loses his own soul?
ARC OF LEAD CHARACTERS.
In spite of the feud, Dietrich, Jannings, and von Sternberg finish a magnificent film.
Dietrich and von Sternberg return to America.
Jannings remains in Germany believing he has no future in Hollywood (his German accent doesn’t work in Hollywood “talkies.” and receives counsel from a studio executive that he should consider continuing his career in films for the Third Reich.
Here’s the outline: 9 Beat format
1. OPENING: Berlin, July, 1945. Brandishing an Oscar statuette, Emil Jannings (now 60) presents himself at US Army headquarters shouting, “Don’t shoot! I won an Oscar!”
2. INCITING INCIDENT: A US OFFICER INTERVIEWS Jannings wants to know what it was like filming “The Blue Angel” and why an actor and man of his stature allowed himself to be exploited by the Nazi propaganda film industry to which Jannings replies by telling the story of this film
3 BY PAGE TEN: Against the wishes of the studio brass and his star (Jannings), von Sternberg casts an unknown (Marlene Dietrich) in the role of the cabaret showgirl Lola Lola who is the love-interest of the professor portrayed by Jannings – who immediately believes Dietrich is upstaging him as the star which starts their conflict.
4. FIRST TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT ONE:To ingratiate herself further with von Sternberg (who needs none) and mend relations with Jannings (who wants none), Dietrich takes them out on a tour of the Weimar “Berlin of Lola Lola” where their party is stopped by Nazis who hurl rocks through the windows of a gay cabaret where they are having drinks.
5, MID POINT: The conflict between Jannings and Dietrich escalates to violence when Jannings overacts a scene of strangling Dietrich’s character that he actually strangles Dietrich and injures her to which von Sternberg calls on both actors to partner up in the name of the art and finish the film..
6, SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT TWO: Von Sternberg’s intervention has worked and Dietrich and Jannings turn in stellar perfomances especially in Dietrich’s signature song, “Falling in love again” and Jannings’ scene of the ruined professor dying.
7, CRISIS: After the film wraps, Jannings, convinced he has no future in Hollywood, asks a studio chief (and Nazi-supporter) for advice and he answers that he should work in Nazi cinema. .
8. CLIMAX: The US Of.ficer who asked he dramatic question informs Jannings that he must be de-nazified which effectively ends his acting career and ruins him in a manner that mirrors the ruination of his professor-character in “The Blue Angel.”
9. RESOLUTION: Closing Titles:
Emil Jannings never acted again. He died in 1950 of liver cancer. He was given a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame which was removed years later.
Marlene Dietrich and Josef von Sternberg went to Hollywood and made many acclaimed motion pictures through the 1930’s. Dietrich condemned Hitler and Nazism, She became an American Citizen and entertained the troops even as they marched against the German Wehrmacht.
VERSION ONE FROM DAY 6
VERSION ONE FROM DAY 6
WORKING TITLE: “’Moths Around a Flame:’ The Making of ‘The Blue Angel.’”
LOGLINE: Amid the decadence of Weimar Berlin, a prominent film director (Josef von Sternberg) coaches his unknown discovery (Marlene Dietrich) and grooms her for stardom. This grows into an affair that parallels the erotic thriller they are filming, “The Blue Angel” in which a professor’s infatuation with a cabaret showgirl leads to his ruin but life further imitates art as a rivalry develops between the star of the film, Oscar winning actor Emil Jannings and Marlene Dietrich all within a dramatic triangle of von Sternberg, Dietrich, and Jannings, all of which has far reaching impact.
STRUCTURE (I am including all the instances of rivalry and the dramatic triangle and character arc in bold.)
1. OPENING: July 1945, Post-war Berlin: Out of the rubble the figure of a man emerges brandishing an Oscar statuette, he shouts at the US Troop installation before him, “Don’t shoot! Don’t shoot! I have won an Oscar!” US troops take him into custody and discover that he is the German actor, Emil Jannings, first Best Actor Oscar winner for ‘The Last Command” (1929)’ and famous also for his performance in “The Blue Angel” (1930) although some of the soldiers say they don’t remember him, but they remember Marlene Dietrich as the star. Jannings grumbles, “I was the star! What you remember is Miss Dietrich’s legs!” They ask what happened to him since then, he indicates that he was “Artist of the State” under the Nazis. The US Commander tells him that he will have to undergo denazification which effectively ends his acting career and asks what led him to perform for the Nazis. So Jannings recounts his unfortunate choices which go back to what happened during the filming of the erotic thriller, “The Blue Angel” in 1930.
“’Moths Around a Flame..’” is about a rivalry between Dietrich and Jannings with a dramatic triangle of von Sternberg, Dietrich, and Jannings.
2. INCITING INCIDENT: Marlene Dietrich, an unknown, auditions for the part of the Cabaret show girl, Lola Lola. Josef von Sternberg, the Director, screens her audition for the studio executives and Emil Jannings, and says he will cast her in the role of the Cabaret showgirl Lola Lola, who is the love interest of Professor Rath (played by Jannings) whose infatuation with her leads to his ruination. Von Sternberg’s choice is met with opposition from everyone involved in the production who were hoping for an established actress in the part. But von Sternberg insists that he will work with no other actress but Dietrich, a chorus girl. He says she is a novice and he will coach her for the part and the stardom he believes can be hers. Jannings views Dietrich as a rival and reminds von Sternberg: “But remember, I am the star of this film.”
3. BY PAGE 10: Von Sternberg is spending an inordinate amount of time with Dietrich in coaching her for the role and grooming her for stardom. He tells Dietrich to lose weight. She invites him and Jannings on a night out to see “the Berlin of Lola Lola” starting wth the Sabri Mahir Boxing Studio, where she keeps in shape and will get into the better shape von Sternberg desires with intensive boxing exercises under Mahir, her trainer. She introduces von Sternberg and Jannings to Mahir and also her friend, actress Carola Neher, also a boxer, and now a cast member of Berthold Brecht’s “Three Penny Opera.” She invites Carola to a boxing match and knocks her out with her lethal right hook which impresses von Sternberg and Jannings. She invites Jannings to join Mahir’s studio as a way to augment his commendable loss of 100 lbs and staying in shape and then invites Carola to join her, Jannings, and von Sternberg for a visit to “the Berlin of Lola Lola” where they can meet the “Einstein of Sex” Dr. Magnus Hirschfeld, a sexologist. All this is Dietrich’s way to deepen her relationship with von Sternberg and mend her relationship with Janning, if not play one-up on him.
4. FIRST TURNING POINT IN ACT ONE: At the Club Silhouette, Carola, Marlene, von Sternberg, and Jannings meet Dr. Magnus Hirschfeld who advocates for gay rights and greater freedom in matters of sex. While Dietrich sits on von Sternberg’s lap, in a moment to be reenacted in The film “Morocco,” Marlene Dietrich reaches over and kisses Carola Neher on the lips which makes Dietrich the more attractive to von Sternberg and repulsive to Jannings (“Lola Lola would never do that” Dietrich: “Don’t be so sure.”). Marlene orders champagne for everybody in the club in celebration of her being cast as Lola Lola in “The Blue Angel.” However, the celebration is cut short. A group of Nazis marching in the street hurl rocks through the windows of the Club Silhouette. Hirshfeld remarks, “If those Nazis take over, it will be all over for homosexuals and for Jews. And I am both!” Von Sternberg says, “They will take over the movie business, too. Well, there is work in Hollywood, (to Marlene, he says) “After ‘Blue Angel,’ that’s where I am taking you.”
5. MIDPOINT/ PLOT EVENT: Jannings castigates von Sternberg that he does not even lunch with him but has lunch in Dietrich’s dressing room.
6. MIDPOINT: Von Sternberg’s wife (Riva Royce) confronts him about his relationship with Marlene Dietrich. She says, “Why don’t you divorce me and marry her?” He replies, “I’d sooner share a telephone booth with a cobra.”
7. SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT TWO: Emil Jannings and novelist,
Heinrich Mann watch some dailies. Mann complains that the whole story of his novel
(Professor Unrat) on which “The Blue Angel is based, is subverted by Miss Dietrich’s
legs. Emil Jannings agrees and they go to complain directly to von Sternberg,
Jannings particularly harboring the grievance that he is upstaged by Dietrich
while he is the star. And that all his (von Sternberg’s direction is honed in on
Dietrich while he feels that their collaborative spirit that they had in earlier films
has eroded. Von Sternberg explains that he (Jannings) is the mature actor and
Dietrich needs the attention and she could use his support.
8. CRISIS: In one scene, Jannings’ character is supposed to strangle Dietrich’s character. Jannings over acts it and actually strangles Dietrich, bruising her. She says to von Sternberg, “I played along for the sake of the scene but I could have decked him with my right hook. Next time he tries it, that’s what I’ll do!” She spews her thoughts that she has kept to herself throughout the film, e.g., that Jannings is a sullen egotistical fool and an over-acting ham who in your (von Sternberg’s) absence has vetoed your direction and directed the cast to do the opposite of what you instructed them.
CHARACTER ARCS: Von Sternberg says to both Dietrich and Jannings, “’The Blue Angel is about to wrap. He need actors who see each other as partners to make a work of art and now put on the finishing touches.” They put aside their rivalry and finish excellent closing scenes in the climax.
9.
10. CLIMAX: The final scenes are filmed: Marlene singing her signature song, “Falling in Love Again,” which includes title line: “Men cluster to me like Moths around a flame. And if their wings are burned, I know I’m not to blame.”
Jannings then enacts the tragic end of the Professor, as he dies clinging to his desk in his old class room.
11. Uncertain of his future, Jannings pays a visit to Alfred Hugenberg, the studio chief, and states his anxiety about his future. Jannings is convinced that he has no future in Hollywood because, he has found out the hard way that his German accent is not working for “talkies.” Hugenberg is a supporter of the Nazis and says to Jannings that he has a future in Germany when the Nazis take over. He tells him that he knows Goebbels is an admirer.
12. JANNINGS CHARACTER ARC: Life imitates art as Jannings becomes a favorite of the Nazis, only to find himself, as in the opening scene, condemned to de-nazification, in effect, ending his acting career and ruined, much like the professor he played fifteen years earlier, in “The Blue Angel.’
PLOT EVENT: Jannings is visited by old colleague, Hans Alber, who played Mazeppa in “The Blue Angel.” He also stayed in Germany in the film industry, dodging every time the Nazis tried to use him for propaganda. He required no de-nazification and laments with Jannings that he (Jannings) chose wrongly and could have done the same thing. Or even leave for Hollywood with Peter Lorre and Conrad Veidt, and others who escaped from the Nazis.
13. Closing Title Cards:
Josef von Sternberg and Marlene Dietrich went to Hollywood and for the next decade created many acclaimed motion pictures. She opposed Hitler, became an American citizen and entertained the troops even as they fought the German army.
Emil Jannings after 1945 underwent denazification. He would never act again and died in 1950 at age 65.
CHARACTER ARC OF MARLENE DIETRICH:
Part to be changed: Her feelings of inferiority before von Sternberg and Jannings.
Biggest Fear: She’ll be overlooked for the talent she has.
Completion of arc: After months of rivalry with Jannings, she puts her resentments aside and delivers a stunning performance which leads to the international stardom she sought.
CHARACTER ARC FOR EMIL JANNINGS:
Parts to be changed: His jealousy of Dietrich.
Biggest Fear: For his future and his retention of stardom that won him an Oscar.
Completion of Arc: He chooses to put aside his feud with Dietrich and delivers a stellar performance, but choices to remain in Germany and becomes an instrument of Nazi propaganda.
CHARACTER ARC FOR JOSEF VON STERNBERG:
Part to be changed: His pressure of being a director, while having a relationship with his leading actress and playing referee in the Dietrich-Jannings conflict.
Biggest Fear: Losing control and delivering a movie disaster.
Completion of Arc: Tells his actors to put aside their difference and be partners, completes the film, and takes Marlene Dietrich to Hollywood and international stardom.
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VERSION TWO FROM DAY 8.[PS80] STORY LOGIC WEB
WORKING TITLE: “’Moths Around a Flame:’ The Making of ‘The Blue Angel.’” (Based on a true story.)
LOGLINE: Amid the decadence of Weimar Berlin, a prominent film director (Josef von Sternberg) coaches his unknown discovery (Marlene Dietrich) and grooms her for stardom. This grows into an affair that parallels the erotic thriller they are filming, “The Blue Angel” in which a professor’s infatuation with a cabaret showgirl leads to his ruin but life further imitates art as a rivalry develops between the star of the film, Oscar winning actor Emil Jannings and Marlene Dietrich all within a dramatic triangle of von Sternberg, Dietrich, and Janning, all of which has far reaching impact.
PLOT: RIVALRY.
LEAD CHARACTERS:
JOSEF VON STERNBERG, film director.
EMIL JANNINGS, Oscar-winning actor.
MARLENE DIETRICH, actress, von Sternberg’s discovery, he is her mentor to stardom.
STRUCTURE (I am including all the instances of rivalry and the dramatic triangle and character arc in bold.)
1. OPENING: July 1945, Post-war Berlin: Out of the rubble the figure of a man emerges brandishing an Oscar statuette, he shouts at the US Troop installation before him, “Don’t shoot! Don’t shoot! I have won an Oscar!” US troops take him into custody and discover that he is the German actor, Emil Jannings, first Best Actor Oscar winner for ‘The Last Command” (1929)’ and famous also for his performance in “The Blue Angel” (1930) although some of the soldiers say they don’t remember him, but they remember Marlene Dietrich as the star. Jannings grumbles, “I was the star! What you remember is Miss Dietrich’s legs!” They ask what happened to him since then, he indicates that he was “Artist of the State” under the Nazis. The US Commander tells him that he will have to undergo denazification which effectively ends his acting career and asks what led him to perform for the Nazis. So Jannings recounts his unfortunate choices which go back to what happened during the filming of the erotic thriller, “The Blue Angel” in 1930.
“’Moths Around a Flame..’” is about a rivalry between Dietrich and Jannings with a dramatic triangle of von Sternberg, Dietrich, and Jannings.
2. INCITING INCIDENT: Marlene Dietrich, an unknown, auditions for the part of the Cabaret show girl, Lola Lola. Josef von Sternberg, the Director, screens her audition for the studio executives and Emil Jannings, and says he will cast her in the role of the Cabaret showgirl Lola Lola, who is the love interest of Professor Rath (played by Jannings) whose infatuation with her leads to his ruination. Von Sternberg’s choice is met with opposition from everyone involved in the production who were hoping for an established actress in the part. But von Sternberg insists that he will work with no other actress but Dietrich, a chorus girl. He says she is a novice and he will coach her for the part and the stardom he believes can be hers. Jannings views Dietrich as a rival and reminds von Sternberg: “But remember, I am the star of this film.”
3. BY PAGE 10: Von Sternberg is spending an inordinate amount of time with Dietrich in coaching her for the role and grooming her for stardom. He tells Dietrich to lose weight. She invites him and Jannings on a night out to see “the Berlin of Lola Lola” starting wth the Sabri Mahir Boxing Studio, where she keeps in shape and will get into the better shape von Sternberg desires with intensive boxing exercises under Mahir, her trainer. She introduces von Sternberg and Jannings to Mahir and also her friend, actress Carola Neher, also a boxer, and now a cast member of Berthold Brecht’s “Three Penny Opera.” She invites Carola to a boxing match and knocks her out with her lethal right hook which impresses von Sternberg and Jannings. She invites Jannings to join Mahir’s studio as a way to augment his commendable loss of 100 lbs and staying in shape and then invites Carola to join her, Jannings, and von Sternberg for a visit to “the Berlin of Lola Lola” where they can meet the “Einstein of Sex” Dr. Magnus Hirschfeld, a sexologist. All this is Dietrich’s way to deepen her relationship with von Sternberg and mend her relationship with Janning, if not play one-up on him.
4. FIRST TURNING POINT IN ACT ONE: At the Club Silhouette, Carola, Marlene von Sternberg, and Jannings meet Dr. Magnus Hirschfeld who advocates for gay rights and greater freedom in matters of sex. While Dietrich sits on von Sternberg’s lap, in a moment to be reenacted in The film “Morocco,” Marlene Dietrich reaches over and kisses Carola Neher on the lips which makes Dietrich the more attractive to von Sternberg and repulsive to Jannings (“Lola Lola would never do that” Dietrich: “Don’t be so sure.”). Marlene orders champagne for everybody in the club in celebration of her being cast as Lola Lola in “The Blue Angel.” However, the celebration is cut short. A group of Nazis marching in the street hurl rocks through the windows of the Club Silhouette. Hirshfeld remarks, “If those Nazis take over, it will be all over for homosexuals and for Jews. And I am both!” Von Sternberg says, “They will take over the movie business, too. Well, there is work in Hollywood, (to Marlene, he says) “After ‘Blue Angel,’ that’s where I am taking you.”
5. MIDPOINT/ PLOT EVENT: Jannings castigates von Sternberg that he does not even lunch with him but has lunch in Dietrich’s dressing room.
6. MIDPOINT: Von Sternberg’s wife (Riva Royce) confronts him about his relationship with Marlene Dietrich. She says, “Why don’t you divorce me and marry her?” He replies, “I’d sooner share a telephone booth with a cobra.”
7. SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT TWO: Emil Jannings and novelist,
Heinrich Mann watch some dailies. Mann complains that the whole story of his novel
(Professor Unrat) on which “The Blue Angel is based, is subverted by Miss Dietrich’s
legs. Emil Jannings agrees and they go to complain directly to von Sternberg,
Jannings particularly harboring the grievance that he is upstaged by Dietrich
while he is the star. And that all his (von Sternberg’s direction is honed in on
Dietrich while he feels that their collaborative spirit that they had in earlier films
has eroded. Von Sternberg explains that he (Jannings) is the mature actor and
Dietrich needs the attention and she could use his support.
8. CRISIS: In one scene, Jannings’ character is supposed to strangle Dietrich’s character. Jannings over acts it and actually strangles Dietrich, bruising her. She says to von Sternberg, “I played along for the sake of the scene but I could have decked him with my right hook. Next time he tries it, that’s what I’ll do!” She spews her thoughts that she has kept to herself throughout the filming, e.g., that Jannings is a sullen egotistical fool and an over-acting ham who in your (von Sternberg’s) absence has vetoed your direction and directed the cast to do the opposite of what you instructed them.
CHARACTER ARCS: Von Sternberg says to both Dietrich and Jannings, “’The Blue Angel is about to wrap. He need actors who see each other as partners to make a work of art and now put on the finishing touches.” They put aside their rivalry and finish excellent closing scenes in the climax.
9. CLIMAX: The final scenes are filmed: Marlene singing her signature song, “Falling in Love Again,” which includes title line: “Men cluster to me like Moths around a flame. And if their wings are burned, I know I’m not to blame.”
Jannings then enacts the tragic end of the Professor, as he dies clinging to his desk in his old class room.
10. Uncertain of his future, Jannings pays a visit to Alfred Hugenberg, the studio chief, and states his anxiety about his future. Jannings is convinced that he has no future in Hollywood because, he has found out the hard way that his German accent is not working for “talkies.” Hugenberg is a supporter of the Nazis and says to Jannings that he has a future in Germany when the Nazis take over. He tells him that he knows “Goebbels is an admirer of yours.” Jannings is encouraged to do just that.
11. JANNINGS CHARACTER ARC: Life imitates art as Jannings becomes a favorite of the Nazis, only to find himself, as in the opening scene, condemned to de-nazification, in effect, ending his acting career and ruined, much like the professor he played fifteen years earlier, in “The Blue Angel.’
PLOT EVENT: Jannings is visited by old colleague, Hans Alber, who played Mazeppa in “The Blue Angel.” He also stayed in Germany in the film industry, dodging every time the Nazis tried to us him for propaganda. He required no de-nazification and laments with Jannings that he (Jannings) chose wrongly and could have done the same thing. Or even leave for Hollywood with Peter Lorre and Conrad Veidt, and others who escaped from the Nazis.
12. Closing Title Cards:
Josef von Sternberg and Marlene Dietrich went to Hollywood and for the next decade created many acclaimed motion pictures. She opposed Hitler, became an American citizen and entertained the troops even as they fought the German army.
Emil Jannings after 1945 underwent denazification. He would never act again and died in 1950 at age 65.
CHARACTER ARC OF MARLENE DIETRICH:
Part to be changed: Her feelings of inferiority before von Sternberg and Jannings.
Biggest Fear: She’ll be overlooked for the talent she has.
Completion of arc: After months of rivalry with Jannings, she puts her resentments aside and delivers a stunning performance which leads to the international stardom she sought.
CHARACTER ARC FOR EMIL JANNINGS:
Parts to be changed: His jealousy of Dietrich.
Biggest Fear: For his future and his retention of stardom that won him an Oscar.
Completion of Arc: He chooses to put aside his feud with Dietrich and delivers a stellar performance, but choices to remain in Germany and becomes an instrument of Nazi propaganda.
CHARACTER ARC FOR JOSEF VON STERNBERG:
Part to be changed: His pressure of being a director, while having a relationship with his leading actress and playing referee in the Dietrich-Jannings conflict.
Biggest Fear: Losing control and delivering a movie disaster.
Completion of Arc: Tells his actors to put aside their difference and be partners, completes the film, and takes Marlene Dietrich to Hollywood and international stardom.
EVALUATION
It needs more connectedness. Just a retelling of the making of “The Blue Angel” needs more and it is related to the character of Emil Jannings who undergoes a tragic transformation that in its own way parallels the tragic transformation of the character he plays in “The Blue Angel.”
STEP TWO: Isolate Components for improvement and brainstorm ways to elevate them. Below is my second outline with the brainstorm I had included.
PLOT: TRAGIC #12 TRANSFORMATION
STRUCTURE:
Needed a more organic reason to retell the story of the making of “The Blue Angel.”
1. THE OPENING: OPENING: July 1945, Post-war Berlin: Out of the rubble the figure of a man emerges brandishing an Oscar statuette, he shouts at the US Troop installation before him, “Don’t shoot! Don’t shoot! I have won an Oscar!” US troops take him into custody and discover that he is the German actor, Emil Jannings, first Best Actor Oscar winner for ‘The Last Command” (1929)’ and famous also for his performance in “The Blue Angel” (1930).
2. INCITING INCIDENT: Because Jannings became a tool of the Nazis as an actor in their propaganda film, he must mow be de-nazified, effectively, ending his acting career. This is the new inciting incident. The examining US Officer asks,
US OFFICER
How did a prominent actor – a man of your stature
become a tool of Nazi propaganda?
JANNINGS
It’s called gaining the whole world
But losing your own soul.
US OFFICER
Huh?
JANNINGS
It started with “The Blue Angel.”
Jannings then retells the story of the making of “The Blue Angel” which is the bulk of this screenplay.
The Dramatic Question is: How did Emil Jannings become a pariah – a tool of the Nazis?
The story continues with von Sternberg’s casting of Marlene Dietrich as the female lead, the showgirl Lola Lola. This is against everybody else’s wish, as everyone else wanted a name-actress. But von Sternberg insists over the protests of Janning and the studio brass.
The story proceeds with Janning confronting von Sternberg with reminders that his “discovery” is not a star but he himself is THE star of “The Blue Angel.”
The CLIMAX is no longer the two scenes of Dietrich and Jannings portraying their characters at the end of the film (although these scenes are re-created. THE CLIMAX is now Jannings’ meeting with studio chief Alfred Hugenberg who encourages Jannings to solve his career concerns by acting in films for the Nazis as he already has an admirer in Josef Goebbels. Jannings takes his advice. And that is how a man of Jannings’ stature became a stooge of the Nazis by which he gained the world and lost his soul, as well, as his acting career entirely.
PLOT STRUCTURE: In addition to these changes (now in the works), there are other sub-plots:
RIVALRY between Dietrich and Jannings all in the context of a DRAMATIC TRIANGLE between DIETRICH and JANNINGS and director, von STERNBERG. In fact, under these comes the fact that each character is both a protagonist and antagonist depending upon the configuration of the triangle relationsships. Over all, Jannings is the protagonist of this screenplay but he becomes a grotesque and tragic protagonist. His only saving virtue in the end is that he regrets the choices he made.
THE MAIN CONFLICT is both the RIVALRY OF DIETRICH AND JANNINGS but also JANNING and VON STERNBERG who disagree about STERNBERG’s attention to mentoring DIETRICH.
DRAMATIC QUESTION: Will JANNINGS, DIETRICH, and STERNBERG be able to work together and finish the film? But “How did a man of Jannings’ stature allow himself to become a tool of the Nazis?”
DILEMMA: Jannings’ decision should or should I not associate myself with the Nazis?
THEME: Gaining the world and losing your soul. I have to say this without the film getting ‘preachy.’
PASS #2 OF MY STORY LOGIC WEB
CONCEPT: Working title: “Moths Around a Flame:’ The Making of “The Blue Angel”
New LOGLINE: Why did acclaimed, Oscar-winning German actor, Emil Jannings, after his stunning performance in “The Blue Angel,” choose to perform in Nazi propaganda films which led to his tragic end that mirrored the tragic end of his character in “The Blue Angel” and what role did “The Blue Angel” play in precipitating his choice?
LEAD CHARACTERS
Emil Jannings: Tragic Protagonist/Antagonist.
Josef von Sternberg: Protagonist.
Marlene Dietrich: Protagonist.
PLOT: Tragic Transformation.
CHARACTER ARC: Uncertain of the future of his career, Emil Jannings chooses to act in Nazi Propaganda films.
MAIN CONFLICT: Emil Jannings vs Marlene Dietrich while also undermining the direction of Josef von Sternberg for grooming her for a stardom that he feels upstages him in the erotic thriller they are filming, “The Blue Angel.”
DRAMATIC QUESTION: “How did a man of Jannings’ stature allow himself to become a tool of the Nazis?”
DILEMMA: Will Jannings advance his career by working with the Nazis?
THEME: Gaining the world and losing your soul.
DISCOVERIES AND IMPROVEMENTS
DISCOVERY: The climactic meeting of Jannings with Nazi-Supporting, Studio Chief Alfred Hugenberg seems anti-climactic. It could have been all Jannings needed to tell in order to answer the dramatic question, in which case why the whole story of the making of “The Blue Angel”? UNLESS it’s a remorseful confession of how rotten he was toward Marlene Dietrich and harassing he was of von Sternberg?
Raises the question: Why should we care about the story of a Nazi stooge, however remorseful he became?
IMPROVEMENT: It is a story of remorse but also admiration for Dietrich and Sternberg.
DISCOVERY: The character arc points to a tragic end, but Jannings is a boor throughout
the filming of “The Blue Angel.” What sympathy for him? There could be an upbeat ending to
this. It can only be a confession and contrition on the part of Jannings, much like the
acknowledgement of Salieri at the end of “Amadeus.” Only way I can go. The confession is to
his friend, actor Hans Alber who stayed in Germany but stayed free of Nazism.
AFTER:
CONCEPT: Working Title: “’Moths Around a Flame:’ The Making of “The Blue Angel”
Why did acclaimed, Oscar-winning German actor, Emil Jannings, after his stunning performance in “The Blue Angel,” choose to perform in Nazi propaganda films which led to his tragic end that mirrored the tragic end of his character in “The Blue Angel” and what role did his conflicts with Marlene Dietrich and Josef von Sternberg (director) play in precipitating his choice?
LEAD CHARACTERS:
Emil Jannings: Tragic Protagonist/Antagonist.
Josef von Sternberg: Protagonist.
Marlene Dietrich: Protagonist.
PLOT: Tragic Transformation.
MAIN BEATS
1. OPENING: Jannings is taken into custody and recognized as an Oscar-winning actor.
2. INCITING INCIDENT: US OFFICER asks, How did a prominent actor – a man of your stature become a tool of Nazi propaganda? Jannings’ answer is the telling of this film’s story.
3. BY PAGE 10: Jannings opposes von Sternberg’s (the director) casting of (then unknown) Marlene Dietrich, as Jannings and the studio brass wanted a name actress.
4. FIRST TURNING POINT IN ACT ONE: Dietrich gives a tour of the “Berlin of Lola Lola” the trollop she plays in the film. She shows von Sternberg and Jannings that she is a boxer, and will box to lose weight – as von Sternberg demands. Dietrich takes von Sternberg and Jannings to a gay cabaret (the Club Silhouette) which is then attacked by the Nazis.
5. MIDPOINT: von Sternberg’s wife (Riza Royce) asks him, “Why don’t you divorce me and marry her?” He replies, “I’d rather share a phone booth with a cobra.”
6. SECOND TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT TWO: Jannings angered at Dietrich and von Sternberg for upstaging him as the star, overacts a scene requiring Jannings to strangle Dietrich, he really does. Von Sternberg calls on them to reconcile and partner up for a big finish to the film, which they do with Dietrich’s signature song, “Falling in love again.” And Jannings moving performance of the death of the professor in ruin.
7. CRISIS: Uncertain of his future, Jannings asks for help from Studio Chief (and Nazi supporter, Alfred Hugenberg who encourages Jannings to work for the Nazis when they take over. He decides to do so.
8. CLIMAX: Jannings is remorseful for his choice and liberated for having confessed his story which parallels the ruination of the professor he played in “The Blue Angel.”
9. RESOLUTION: Closing Title Cards:
Josef von Sternberg and Marlene Dietrich went to Hollywood and for the next decade created many acclaimed motion pictures.
After 1945 Jannings underwent denazification. He would never act again and died in 1950 at age 65, an ending not unlike that of the Professor he portrayed in “The Blue Angel,” twenty years earlier.
CHARACTER ARC: Jannings accepts his guilt with remorse for having worked for the Nazis in propaganda films.
MAIN CONFLICT: Emil Jannings vs Marlene Dietrich while also undermining the direction of Josef von Sternberg for grooming her for a stardom that he feels upstages him as the star of “The Blue Angel.”
DRAMATIC QUESTION: How did a prominent actor – a man of stature become a tool of Nazi propaganda?
DILEMMA: Will Jannings advance his career by working with the Nazis?
THEME: Gaining the whole world and losing your soul.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Robert Smith. Reason: Thought it would be good to add to the title the notice: Based on a true story
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Hey Bob, here’s my feedback for your SLW dated 10/1/21.
Logline: I feel this is the only section that really needs improvement. The story concept is amazing. I really love me some true stories!! Maybe it’s the brackets that are throwing me off here.
Lead Characters: The characters feel fully realized and perfectly capture the dramatic triangle. I wonder if Dietrich knows what she’s doing and is using the situation to her benefit? Who is the antagonist in this story?
Outline:
– I love that Jannings is jealous of Dietrich’s talent from the start. It’s like following the trajectory of two stars in the sky. One’s a falling star, while the other’s a shooting star.
– The midpoint strangulation scene is so good! So much subtext here.
– Crisis: I wonder what makes Jannings feel like he has no future in Hollywood? Does he lose faith in himself after the experience on The Blue Angel? Is he told this by someone important?
Overall, this is a fantastic start and I’m looking forward to seeing this project develop.
thanks,
Rob Bertrand
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Hey, Rob!
Thank you so much for your feedback. I’ll work on the Logline and take away my brackets, for which I have a penchant. I guess I need to say that the story is, for the purpose of dramatization, a fictionalization of what went on between Dietrich, von Sternberg, and Jannings. The gay cabaret and the Nazis is fiction but that kind of thing went on and I wanted the audience to be immersed in the Weimer Berlin context of the story and Dietrich’s bisexuality. Yes, it’s hard to tell who is the antagonist and protagonist for whom. It’s all in the tensions of the dramatic triangle. I’ll go over that and see where I can state this better. I am glad you like the story. The strangulation scene, really happened and it is in the final cut of “The Blue Angel” it’s the realistic looking strangulation scene when the professor (portrayed by Jannings finds Lola Lola cuckolding him with another man. Dietrich was black and blue afterward.
I value all your feedback and suggestions, Rob. I’ll come up with a new logline and some other things you point out and let you know when I have it for your feedback.
Many thanks.
Best Always,
Bob
Robert R. Smith
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Thank you so much Rob. Sorry I didn’t get the revised logline to you but I was having trouble getting in all weekend.
Here is the revised logline. I welcome your comments. Thanks again for your positve and endouraging feedback.
NEW LOGLINE: The making of the erotic thriller “The Blue Angel” (1930) has a far-reaching impact on the principal actors, Emil Jannings and (then unknown) Marlene Dietrich and the director, Josef von Sternberg, that parallels the story of the film in which a professor’s infatuation with a cabaret showrir leads to his ruin.
I welcome any further feedback.
Bob
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Hey, Rob!
Thank you for mentioning the reason Jannings thinks he has no future in Hollywood. In the ARC OF LEAD CHARACTERS I mention that “Janings remains in Germany, believing he ahs no future in Hollywood, because his German accent doesn’t work in HOllywood “talkies.” I’ll mention this again somewherere to make it clear that his screentests were rejected by the studios for that reason.
By the way, I haven’t been able to get back to you because all weekend long I was having difficulties getting into the site because my password was rejected. It’s finally resolved.
Bob
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Hey Bob,
I’ll be more than happy to read your outline and provide the SLW review. I’ll have it to you by the end of today or first thing Saturday morning.
And would you please review my story as well? All comments and thoughts are welcome. Thank you.
John B
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Hi John
Please proceed. I’ll read yours also. Sorry it took so long to reply I was having problems gettin onn the page over the weekend.
Best Always,
Bob
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by
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CURRENT STORY LOGIC WEB AS OF 10/1/21 FOR FEEDBACK:
THE CONCEPT
WORKING TITLE: “’Moths Around a Flame:’ The Making of ‘The Blue Angel.’”
LOGLINE: The circumstances of making the erotic thriller “The Blue Angel” (1930) have an impact on the principal actors (Emil Jannings and [then unknown] Marlene Dietrich and the director (Josef von Sternberg) that parallel the story of the film in which a professor’s infatuation with a cabaret showgirl lead to his ruin.
PLOT CHOICE: (Tragic) #12 Transformation.
CHARACTER STRUCTURE: Dramatic Triangle.
The dramatic triangle is between the director (Josef von Sternberg) and Marlene Dietrich with Emil Jannings who believes Dietrich upstages him as the star of the film and has alienated von Sternberg from working with him.
LEAD CHARACTERS:
MARLENE DIETRICH is the ‘unknown” whom Josef von Sternberg is grooming for stardom.
JOSEF VON STERNBERG is the director of ‘The Blue Angel” who grooms Dietrich for stardom which grows into an affair that threatens his marriage and complicates his working relationship to his star, Emil Jannings
EMIL JANNINGS is an acclaimed Oscar-winning actor who is the star of “The Blue Angel” who feels dethroned by Dietrich and abandobned by von Sternberg who devotes himself almost full time to mentoring Dietrich to the negect of his working relationship with with him (Jannings).
THE NECESSARY QUESTIONS:
The Dramatic Question: How could an actor – a man of Jannings’ stature have allowed himself to be exploited by the Nazis in propaganda films?
The Main Conflict: Between Jannings and Dietrich with von Sternberg trying to mediate as director in this feud between his discovery and lover Dietrich and his star, Jannings.
The Emotional Dilemma:
For Jannings: To swallow his jealousy and animus, at the director’s request in order to be partners in art with Dietrich to complete the film. Later, with apparently no film career
in Hollywood, does Jannings work with the Nazi propagandist film industry just to have a motion picture career?
For Dietrich: To disregard her contempt for Jannings, at the director’s request and be partners in art with him for the completion of the film.
For von Sternberg: To be not only a lover and mentor for Dietrich but to be a director who mediates between feuding actors.
The Theme: What does a man gain if gains the whole world but loses his own soul?
ARC OF LEAD CHARACTERS.
In spite of the feud, Dietrich, Jannings, and von Sternberg finish a magnificent film.
Dietrich and von Sternberg return to America.
Jannings remains in Germany believing he has no future in Hollywood (his German accent doesn’t work in Hollywood “talkies.” and receives counsel from a studio executive that he should consider continuing his career in films for the Third Reich.
Here’s the outline: 9 Beat format
1. OPENING: Berlin, July, 1945. Brandishing an Oscar statuette, Emil Jannings (now 60) presents himself at US Army headquarters shouting, “Don’t shoot! I won an Oscar!”
2. INCITING INCIDENT: A US OFFICER INTERVIEWS Jannings wants to know what it was like filming “The Blue Angel” and why an actor and man of his stature allowed himself to be exploited by the Nazi propaganda film industry to which Jannings replies by telling the story of this film
3 BY PAGE TEN: Against the wishes of the studio brass and his star (Jannings), von Sternberg casts an unknown (Marlene Dietrich) in the role of the cabaret showgirl Lola Lola who is the love-interest of the professor portrayed by Jannings – who immediately believes Dietrich is upstaging him as the star which starts their conflict.
4. FIRST TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT ONE:To ingratiate herself further with von Sternberg (who needs none) and mend relations with Jannings (who wants none), Dietrich takes them out on a tour of the Weimar “Berlin of Lola Lola” where their party is stopped by Nazis who hurl rocks through the windows of a gay cabaret where they are having drinks.
5, MID POINT: The conflict between Jannings and Dietrich escalates to violence when Jannings overacts a scene of strangling Dietrich’s character that he actually strangles Dietrich and injures her to which von Sternberg calls on both actors to partner up in the name of the art and finish the film..
6, SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT TWO: Von Sternberg’s intervention has worked and Dietrich and Jannings turn in stellar perfomances especially in Dietrich’s signature song, “Falling in love again” and Jannings’ scene of the ruined professor dying.
7, CRISIS: After the film wraps, Jannings, convinced he has no future in Hollywood, asks a studio chief (and Nazi-supporter) for advice and he answers that he should work in Nazi cinema. .
8. CLIMAX: The US Of.ficer who asked he dramatic question informs Jannings that he must be de-nazified which effectively ends his acting career and ruins him in a manner that mirrors the ruination of his professor-character in “The Blue Angel.”
9. RESOLUTION: Closing Titles:
Emil Jannings never acted again. He died in 1950 of liver cancer. He was given a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame which was removed years later.
Marlene Dietrich and Josef von Sternberg went to Hollywood and made many acclaimed motion pictures through the 1930’s. Dietrich condemned Hitler and Nazism, She became an American Citizen and entertained the troops even as they marched against the German Wehrmacht.
THE FOLLOWING IS EARLIER MATERIAL
VERSION ONE FROM DAY 6
WORKING TITLE: “’Moths Around a Flame:’ The Making of ‘The Blue Angel.’”
LOGLINE: Amid the decadence of Weimar Berlin, a prominent film director (Josef von Sternberg) coaches his unknown discovery (Marlene Dietrich) and grooms her for stardom. This grows into an affair that parallels the erotic thriller they are filming, “The Blue Angel” in which a professor’s infatuation with a cabaret showgirl leads to his ruin but life further imitates art as a rivalry develops between the star of the film, Oscar winning actor Emil Jannings and Marlene Dietrich all within a dramatic triangle of von Sternberg, Dietrich, and Jannings, all of which has far reaching impact.
STRUCTURE (I am including all the instances of rivalry and the dramatic triangle and character arc in bold.)
1. OPENING: July 1945, Post-war Berlin: Out of the rubble the figure of a man emerges brandishing an Oscar statuette, he shouts at the US Troop installation before him, “Don’t shoot! Don’t shoot! I have won an Oscar!” US troops take him into custody and discover that he is the German actor, Emil Jannings, first Best Actor Oscar winner for ‘The Last Command” (1929)’ and famous also for his performance in “The Blue Angel” (1930) although some of the soldiers say they don’t remember him, but they remember Marlene Dietrich as the star. Jannings grumbles, “I was the star! What you remember is Miss Dietrich’s legs!” They ask what happened to him since then, he indicates that he was “Artist of the State” under the Nazis. The US Commander tells him that he will have to undergo denazification which effectively ends his acting career and asks what led him to perform for the Nazis. So Jannings recounts his unfortunate choices which go back to what happened during the filming of the erotic thriller, “The Blue Angel” in 1930.
“’Moths Around a Flame..’” is about a rivalry between Dietrich and Jannings with a dramatic triangle of von Sternberg, Dietrich, and Jannings.
2. INCITING INCIDENT: Marlene Dietrich, an unknown, auditions for the part of the Cabaret show girl, Lola Lola. Josef von Sternberg, the Director, screens her audition for the studio executives and Emil Jannings, and says he will cast her in the role of the Cabaret showgirl Lola Lola, who is the love interest of Professor Rath (played by Jannings) whose infatuation with her leads to his ruination. Von Sternberg’s choice is met with opposition from everyone involved in the production who were hoping for an established actress in the part. But von Sternberg insists that he will work with no other actress but Dietrich, a chorus girl. He says she is a novice and he will coach her for the part and the stardom he believes can be hers. Jannings views Dietrich as a rival and reminds von Sternberg: “But remember, I am the star of this film.”
3. BY PAGE 10: Von Sternberg is spending an inordinate amount of time with Dietrich in coaching her for the role and grooming her for stardom. He tells Dietrich to lose weight. She invites him and Jannings on a night out to see “the Berlin of Lola Lola” starting wth the Sabri Mahir Boxing Studio, where she keeps in shape and will get into the better shape von Sternberg desires with intensive boxing exercises under Mahir, her trainer. She introduces von Sternberg and Jannings to Mahir and also her friend, actress Carola Neher, also a boxer, and now a cast member of Berthold Brecht’s “Three Penny Opera.” She invites Carola to a boxing match and knocks her out with her lethal right hook which impresses von Sternberg and Jannings. She invites Jannings to join Mahir’s studio as a way to augment his commendable loss of 100 lbs and staying in shape and then invites Carola to join her, Jannings, and von Sternberg for a visit to “the Berlin of Lola Lola” where they can meet the “Einstein of Sex” Dr. Magnus Hirschfeld, a sexologist. All this is Dietrich’s way to deepen her relationship with von Sternberg and mend her relationship with Janning, if not play one-up on him.
4. FIRST TURNING POINT IN ACT ONE: At the Club Silhouette, Carola, Marlene, von Sternberg, and Jannings meet Dr. Magnus Hirschfeld who advocates for gay rights and greater freedom in matters of sex. While Dietrich sits on von Sternberg’s lap, in a moment to be reenacted in The film “Morocco,” Marlene Dietrich reaches over and kisses Carola Neher on the lips which makes Dietrich the more attractive to von Sternberg and repulsive to Jannings (“Lola Lola would never do that” Dietrich: “Don’t be so sure.”). Marlene orders champagne for everybody in the club in celebration of her being cast as Lola Lola in “The Blue Angel.” However, the celebration is cut short. A group of Nazis marching in the street hurl rocks through the windows of the Club Silhouette. Hirshfeld remarks, “If those Nazis take over, it will be all over for homosexuals and for Jews. And I am both!” Von Sternberg says, “They will take over the movie business, too. Well, there is work in Hollywood, (to Marlene, he says) “After ‘Blue Angel,’ that’s where I am taking you.”
5. MIDPOINT/ PLOT EVENT: Jannings castigates von Sternberg that he does not even lunch with him but has lunch in Dietrich’s dressing room.
6. MIDPOINT: Von Sternberg’s wife (Riva Royce) confronts him about his relationship with Marlene Dietrich. She says, “Why don’t you divorce me and marry her?” He replies, “I’d sooner share a telephone booth with a cobra.”
7. SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT TWO: Emil Jannings and novelist,
Heinrich Mann watch some dailies. Mann complains that the whole story of his novel
(Professor Unrat) on which “The Blue Angel is based, is subverted by Miss Dietrich’s
legs. Emil Jannings agrees and they go to complain directly to von Sternberg,
Jannings particularly harboring the grievance that he is upstaged by Dietrich
while he is the star. And that all his (von Sternberg’s direction is honed in on
Dietrich while he feels that their collaborative spirit that they had in earlier films
has eroded. Von Sternberg explains that he (Jannings) is the mature actor and
Dietrich needs the attention and she could use his support.
8. CRISIS: In one scene, Jannings’ character is supposed to strangle Dietrich’s character. Jannings over acts it and actually strangles Dietrich, bruising her. She says to von Sternberg, “I played along for the sake of the scene but I could have decked him with my right hook. Next time he tries it, that’s what I’ll do!” She spews her thoughts that she has kept to herself throughout the film, e.g., that Jannings is a sullen egotistical fool and an over-acting ham who in your (von Sternberg’s) absence has vetoed your direction and directed the cast to do the opposite of what you instructed them.
CHARACTER ARCS: Von Sternberg says to both Dietrich and Jannings, “’The Blue Angel is about to wrap. He need actors who see each other as partners to make a work of art and now put on the finishing touches.” They put aside their rivalry and finish excellent closing scenes in the climax.
9.
10. CLIMAX: The final scenes are filmed: Marlene singing her signature song, “Falling in Love Again,” which includes title line: “Men cluster to me like Moths around a flame. And if their wings are burned, I know I’m not to blame.”
Jannings then enacts the tragic end of the Professor, as he dies clinging to his desk in his old class room.
11. Uncertain of his future, Jannings pays a visit to Alfred Hugenberg, the studio chief, and states his anxiety about his future. Jannings is convinced that he has no future in Hollywood because, he has found out the hard way that his German accent is not working for “talkies.” Hugenberg is a supporter of the Nazis and says to Jannings that he has a future in Germany when the Nazis take over. He tells him that he knows Goebbels is an admirer.
12. JANNINGS CHARACTER ARC: Life imitates art as Jannings becomes a favorite of the Nazis, only to find himself, as in the opening scene, condemned to de-nazification, in effect, ending his acting career and ruined, much like the professor he played fifteen years earlier, in “The Blue Angel.’
PLOT EVENT: Jannings is visited by old colleague, Hans Alber, who played Mazeppa in “The Blue Angel.” He also stayed in Germany in the film industry, dodging every time the Nazis tried to use him for propaganda. He required no de-nazification and laments with Jannings that he (Jannings) chose wrongly and could have done the same thing. Or even leave for Hollywood with Peter Lorre and Conrad Veidt, and others who escaped from the Nazis.
13. Closing Title Cards:
Josef von Sternberg and Marlene Dietrich went to Hollywood and for the next decade created many acclaimed motion pictures. She opposed Hitler, became an American citizen and entertained the troops even as they fought the German army.
Emil Jannings after 1945 underwent denazification. He would never act again and died in 1950 at age 65.
CHARACTER ARC OF MARLENE DIETRICH:
Part to be changed: Her feelings of inferiority before von Sternberg and Jannings.
Biggest Fear: She’ll be overlooked for the talent she has.
Completion of arc: After months of rivalry with Jannings, she puts her resentments aside and delivers a stunning performance which leads to the international stardom she sought.
CHARACTER ARC FOR EMIL JANNINGS:
Parts to be changed: His jealousy of Dietrich.
Biggest Fear: For his future and his retention of stardom that won him an Oscar.
Completion of Arc: He chooses to put aside his feud with Dietrich and delivers a stellar performance, but choices to remain in Germany and becomes an instrument of Nazi propaganda.
CHARACTER ARC FOR JOSEF VON STERNBERG:
Part to be changed: His pressure of being a director, while having a relationship with his leading actress and playing referee in the Dietrich-Jannings conflict.
Biggest Fear: Losing control and delivering a movie disaster.
Completion of Arc: Tells his actors to put aside their difference and be partners, completes the film, and takes Marlene Dietrich to Hollywood and international stardom.
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VERSION TWO FROM DAY 8.[PS80] STORY LOGIC WEB
WORKING TITLE: “’Moths Around a Flame:’ The Making of ‘The Blue Angel.’”
LOGLINE: Amid the decadence of Weimar Berlin, a prominent film director (Josef von Sternberg) coaches his unknown discovery (Marlene Dietrich) and grooms her for stardom. This grows into an affair that parallels the erotic thriller they are filming, “The Blue Angel” in which a professor’s infatuation with a cabaret showgirl leads to his ruin but life further imitates art as a rivalry develops between the star of the film, Oscar winning actor Emil Jannings and Marlene Dietrich all within a dramatic triangle of von Sternberg, Dietrich, and Janning, all of which has far reaching impact.
PLOT: RIVALRY.
LEAD CHARACTERS:
JOSEF VON STERNBERG, film director.
EMIL JANNINGS, Oscar-winning actor.
MARLENE DIETRICH, actress, von Sternberg’s discovery, he is her mentor to stardom.
STRUCTURE (I am including all the instances of rivalry and the dramatic triangle and character arc in bold.)
1. OPENING: July 1945, Post-war Berlin: Out of the rubble the figure of a man emerges brandishing an Oscar statuette, he shouts at the US Troop installation before him, “Don’t shoot! Don’t shoot! I have won an Oscar!” US troops take him into custody and discover that he is the German actor, Emil Jannings, first Best Actor Oscar winner for ‘The Last Command” (1929)’ and famous also for his performance in “The Blue Angel” (1930) although some of the soldiers say they don’t remember him, but they remember Marlene Dietrich as the star. Jannings grumbles, “I was the star! What you remember is Miss Dietrich’s legs!” They ask what happened to him since then, he indicates that he was “Artist of the State” under the Nazis. The US Commander tells him that he will have to undergo denazification which effectively ends his acting career and asks what led him to perform for the Nazis. So Jannings recounts his unfortunate choices which go back to what happened during the filming of the erotic thriller, “The Blue Angel” in 1930.
“’Moths Around a Flame..’” is about a rivalry between Dietrich and Jannings with a dramatic triangle of von Sternberg, Dietrich, and Jannings.
2. INCITING INCIDENT: Marlene Dietrich, an unknown, auditions for the part of the Cabaret show girl, Lola Lola. Josef von Sternberg, the Director, screens her audition for the studio executives and Emil Jannings, and says he will cast her in the role of the Cabaret showgirl Lola Lola, who is the love interest of Professor Rath (played by Jannings) whose infatuation with her leads to his ruination. Von Sternberg’s choice is met with opposition from everyone involved in the production who were hoping for an established actress in the part. But von Sternberg insists that he will work with no other actress but Dietrich, a chorus girl. He says she is a novice and he will coach her for the part and the stardom he believes can be hers. Jannings views Dietrich as a rival and reminds von Sternberg: “But remember, I am the star of this film.”
3. BY PAGE 10: Von Sternberg is spending an inordinate amount of time with Dietrich in coaching her for the role and grooming her for stardom. He tells Dietrich to lose weight. She invites him and Jannings on a night out to see “the Berlin of Lola Lola” starting wth the Sabri Mahir Boxing Studio, where she keeps in shape and will get into the better shape von Sternberg desires with intensive boxing exercises under Mahir, her trainer. She introduces von Sternberg and Jannings to Mahir and also her friend, actress Carola Neher, also a boxer, and now a cast member of Berthold Brecht’s “Three Penny Opera.” She invites Carola to a boxing match and knocks her out with her lethal right hook which impresses von Sternberg and Jannings. She invites Jannings to join Mahir’s studio as a way to augment his commendable loss of 100 lbs and staying in shape and then invites Carola to join her, Jannings, and von Sternberg for a visit to “the Berlin of Lola Lola” where they can meet the “Einstein of Sex” Dr. Magnus Hirschfeld, a sexologist. All this is Dietrich’s way to deepen her relationship with von Sternberg and mend her relationship with Janning, if not play one-up on him.
4. FIRST TURNING POINT IN ACT ONE: At the Club Silhouette, Carola, Marlene von Sternberg, and Jannings meet Dr. Magnus Hirschfeld who advocates for gay rights and greater freedom in matters of sex. While Dietrich sits on von Sternberg’s lap, in a moment to be reenacted in The film “Morocco,” Marlene Dietrich reaches over and kisses Carola Neher on the lips which makes Dietrich the more attractive to von Sternberg and repulsive to Jannings (“Lola Lola would never do that” Dietrich: “Don’t be so sure.”). Marlene orders champagne for everybody in the club in celebration of her being cast as Lola Lola in “The Blue Angel.” However, the celebration is cut short. A group of Nazis marching in the street hurl rocks through the windows of the Club Silhouette. Hirshfeld remarks, “If those Nazis take over, it will be all over for homosexuals and for Jews. And I am both!” Von Sternberg says, “They will take over the movie business, too. Well, there is work in Hollywood, (to Marlene, he says) “After ‘Blue Angel,’ that’s where I am taking you.”
5. MIDPOINT/ PLOT EVENT: Jannings castigates von Sternberg that he does not even lunch with him but has lunch in Dietrich’s dressing room.
6. MIDPOINT: Von Sternberg’s wife (Riva Royce) confronts him about his relationship with Marlene Dietrich. She says, “Why don’t you divorce me and marry her?” He replies, “I’d sooner share a telephone booth with a cobra.”
7. SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT TWO: Emil Jannings and novelist,
Heinrich Mann watch some dailies. Mann complains that the whole story of his novel
(Professor Unrat) on which “The Blue Angel is based, is subverted by Miss Dietrich’s
legs. Emil Jannings agrees and they go to complain directly to von Sternberg,
Jannings particularly harboring the grievance that he is upstaged by Dietrich
while he is the star. And that all his (von Sternberg’s direction is honed in on
Dietrich while he feels that their collaborative spirit that they had in earlier films
has eroded. Von Sternberg explains that he (Jannings) is the mature actor and
Dietrich needs the attention and she could use his support.
8. CRISIS: In one scene, Jannings’ character is supposed to strangle Dietrich’s character. Jannings over acts it and actually strangles Dietrich, bruising her. She says to von Sternberg, “I played along for the sake of the scene but I could have decked him with my right hook. Next time he tries it, that’s what I’ll do!” She spews her thoughts that she has kept to herself throughout the filming, e.g., that Jannings is a sullen egotistical fool and an over-acting ham who in your (von Sternberg’s) absence has vetoed your direction and directed the cast to do the opposite of what you instructed them.
CHARACTER ARCS: Von Sternberg says to both Dietrich and Jannings, “’The Blue Angel is about to wrap. He need actors who see each other as partners to make a work of art and now put on the finishing touches.” They put aside their rivalry and finish excellent closing scenes in the climax.
9. CLIMAX: The final scenes are filmed: Marlene singing her signature song, “Falling in Love Again,” which includes title line: “Men cluster to me like Moths around a flame. And if their wings are burned, I know I’m not to blame.”
Jannings then enacts the tragic end of the Professor, as he dies clinging to his desk in his old class room.
10. Uncertain of his future, Jannings pays a visit to Alfred Hugenberg, the studio chief, and states his anxiety about his future. Jannings is convinced that he has no future in Hollywood because, he has found out the hard way that his German accent is not working for “talkies.” Hugenberg is a supporter of the Nazis and says to Jannings that he has a future in Germany when the Nazis take over. He tells him that he knows “Goebbels is an admirer of yours.” Jannings is encouraged to do just that.
11. JANNINGS CHARACTER ARC: Life imitates art as Jannings becomes a favorite of the Nazis, only to find himself, as in the opening scene, condemned to de-nazification, in effect, ending his acting career and ruined, much like the professor he played fifteen years earlier, in “The Blue Angel.’
PLOT EVENT: Jannings is visited by old colleague, Hans Alber, who played Mazeppa in “The Blue Angel.” He also stayed in Germany in the film industry, dodging every time the Nazis tried to us him for propaganda. He required no de-nazification and laments with Jannings that he (Jannings) chose wrongly and could have done the same thing. Or even leave for Hollywood with Peter Lorre and Conrad Veidt, and others who escaped from the Nazis.
12. Closing Title Cards:
Josef von Sternberg and Marlene Dietrich went to Hollywood and for the next decade created many acclaimed motion pictures. She opposed Hitler, became an American citizen and entertained the troops even as they fought the German army.
Emil Jannings after 1945 underwent denazification. He would never act again and died in 1950 at age 65.
CHARACTER ARC OF MARLENE DIETRICH:
Part to be changed: Her feelings of inferiority before von Sternberg and Jannings.
Biggest Fear: She’ll be overlooked for the talent she has.
Completion of arc: After months of rivalry with Jannings, she puts her resentments aside and delivers a stunning performance which leads to the international stardom she sought.
CHARACTER ARC FOR EMIL JANNINGS:
Parts to be changed: His jealousy of Dietrich.
Biggest Fear: For his future and his retention of stardom that won him an Oscar.
Completion of Arc: He chooses to put aside his feud with Dietrich and delivers a stellar performance, but choices to remain in Germany and becomes an instrument of Nazi propaganda.
CHARACTER ARC FOR JOSEF VON STERNBERG:
Part to be changed: His pressure of being a director, while having a relationship with his leading actress and playing referee in the Dietrich-Jannings conflict.
Biggest Fear: Losing control and delivering a movie disaster.
Completion of Arc: Tells his actors to put aside their difference and be partners, completes the film, and takes Marlene Dietrich to Hollywood and international stardom.
EVALUATION
It needs more connectedness. Just a retelling of the making of “The Blue Angel” needs more and it is related to the character of Emil Jannings who undergoes a tragic transformation that in its own way parallels the tragic transformation of the character he plays in “The Blue Angel.”
STEP TWO: Isolate Components for improvement and brainstorm ways to elevate them. Below is my second outline with the brainstorm I had included.
PLOT: TRAGIC #12 TRANSFORMATION
STRUCTURE:
Needed a more organic reason to retell the story of the making of “The Blue Angel.”
1. THE OPENING: OPENING: July 1945, Post-war Berlin: Out of the rubble the figure of a man emerges brandishing an Oscar statuette, he shouts at the US Troop installation before him, “Don’t shoot! Don’t shoot! I have won an Oscar!” US troops take him into custody and discover that he is the German actor, Emil Jannings, first Best Actor Oscar winner for ‘The Last Command” (1929)’ and famous also for his performance in “The Blue Angel” (1930).
2. INCITING INCIDENT: Because Jannings became a tool of the Nazis as an actor in their propaganda film, he must mow be de-nazified, effectively, ending his acting career. This is the new inciting incident. The examining US Officer asks,
US OFFICER
How did a prominent actor – a man of your stature
become a tool of Nazi propaganda?
JANNINGS
It’s called gaining the whole world
But losing your own soul.
US OFFICER
Huh?
JANNINGS
It started with “The Blue Angel.”
Jannings then retells the story of the making of “The Blue Angel” which is the bulk of this screenplay.
The Dramatic Question is: How did Emil Jannings become a pariah – a tool of the Nazis?
The story continues with von Sternberg’s casting of Marlene Dietrich as the female lead, the showgirl Lola Lola. This is against everybody else’s wish, as everyone else wanted a name-actress. But von Sternberg insists over the protests of Janning and the studio brass.
The story proceeds with Janning confronting von Sternberg with reminders that his “discovery” is not a star but he himself is THE star of “The Blue Angel.”
The CLIMAX is no longer the two scenes of Dietrich and Jannings portraying their characters at the end of the film (although these scenes are re-created. THE CLIMAX is now Jannings’ meeting with studio chief Alfred Hugenberg who encourages Jannings to solve his career concerns by acting in films for the Nazis as he already has an admirer in Josef Goebbels. Jannings takes his advice. And that is how a man of Jannings’ stature became a stooge of the Nazis by which he gained the world and lost his soul, as well, as his acting career entirely.
PLOT STRUCTURE: In addition to these changes (now in the works), there are other sub-plots:
RIVALRY between Dietrich and Jannings all in the context of a DRAMATIC TRIANGLE between DIETRICH and JANNINGS and director, von STERNBERG. In fact, under these comes the fact that each character is both a protagonist and antagonist depending upon the configuration of the triangle relationsships. Over all, Jannings is the protagonist of this screenplay but he becomes a grotesque and tragic protagonist. His only saving virtue in the end is that he regrets the choices he made.
THE MAIN CONFLICT is both the RIVALRY OF DIETRICH AND JANNINGS but also JANNING and VON STERNBERG who disagree about STERNBERG’s attention to mentoring DIETRICH.
DRAMATIC QUESTION: Will JANNINGS, DIETRICH, and STERNBERG be able to work together and finish the film? But “How did a man of Jannings’ stature allow himself to become a tool of the Nazis?”
DILEMMA: Jannings’ decision should or should I not associate myself with the Nazis?
THEME: Gaining the world and losing your soul. I have to say this without the film getting ‘preachy.’
PASS #2 OF MY STORY LOGIC WEB
CONCEPT: Working title: “Moths Around a Flame:’ The Making of “The Blue Angel”
New LOGLINE: Why did acclaimed, Oscar-winning German actor, Emil Jannings, after his stunning performance in “The Blue Angel,” choose to perform in Nazi propaganda films which led to his tragic end that mirrored the tragic end of his character in “The Blue Angel” and what role did “The Blue Angel” play in precipitating his choice?
LEAD CHARACTERS
Emil Jannings: Tragic Protagonist/Antagonist.
Josef von Sternberg: Protagonist.
Marlene Dietrich: Protagonist.
PLOT: Tragic Transformation.
CHARACTER ARC: Uncertain of the future of his career, Emil Jannings chooses to act in Nazi Propaganda films.
MAIN CONFLICT: Emil Jannings vs Marlene Dietrich while also undermining the direction of Josef von Sternberg for grooming her for a stardom that he feels upstages him in the erotic thriller they are filming, “The Blue Angel.”
DRAMATIC QUESTION: “How did a man of Jannings’ stature allow himself to become a tool of the Nazis?”
DILEMMA: Will Jannings advance his career by working with the Nazis?
THEME: Gaining the world and losing your soul.
DISCOVERIES AND IMPROVEMENTS
DISCOVERY: The climactic meeting of Jannings with Nazi-Supporting, Studio Chief Alfred Hugenberg seems anti-climactic. It could have been all Jannings needed to tell in order to answer the dramatic question, in which case why the whole story of the making of “The Blue Angel”? UNLESS it’s a remorseful confession of how rotten he was toward Marlene Dietrich and harassing he was of von Sternberg?
Raises the question: Why should we care about the story of a Nazi stooge, however remorseful he became?
IMPROVEMENT: It is a story of remorse but also admiration for Dietrich and Sternberg.
DISCOVERY: The character arc points to a tragic end, but Jannings is a boor throughout
the filming of “The Blue Angel.” What sympathy for him? There could be an upbeat ending to
this. It can only be a confession and contrition on the part of Jannings, much like the
acknowledgement of Salieri at the end of “Amadeus.” Only way I can go. The confession is to
his friend, actor Hans Alber who stayed in Germany but stayed free of Nazism.
AFTER:
CONCEPT: Working Title: “’Moths Around a Flame:’ The Making of “The Blue Angel”
Why did acclaimed, Oscar-winning German actor, Emil Jannings, after his stunning performance in “The Blue Angel,” choose to perform in Nazi propaganda films which led to his tragic end that mirrored the tragic end of his character in “The Blue Angel” and what role did his conflicts with Marlene Dietrich and Josef von Sternberg (director) play in precipitating his choice?
LEAD CHARACTERS:
Emil Jannings: Tragic Protagonist/Antagonist.
Josef von Sternberg: Protagonist.
Marlene Dietrich: Protagonist.
PLOT: Tragic Transformation.
MAIN BEATS
1. OPENING: Jannings is taken into custody and recognized as an Oscar-winning actor.
2. INCITING INCIDENT: US OFFICER asks, How did a prominent actor – a man of your stature become a tool of Nazi propaganda? Jannings’ answer is the telling of this film’s story.
3. BY PAGE 10: Jannings opposes von Sternberg’s (the director) casting of (then unknown) Marlene Dietrich, as Jannings and the studio brass wanted a name actress.
4. FIRST TURNING POINT IN ACT ONE: Dietrich gives a tour of the “Berlin of Lola Lola” the trollop she plays in the film. She shows von Sternberg and Jannings that she is a boxer, and will box to lose weight – as von Sternberg demands. Dietrich takes von Sternberg and Jannings to a gay cabaret (the Club Silhouette) which is then attacked by the Nazis.
5. MIDPOINT: von Sternberg’s wife (Riza Royce) asks him, “Why don’t you divorce me and marry her?” He replies, “I’d rather share a phone booth with a cobra.”
6. SECOND TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT TWO: Jannings angered at Dietrich and von Sternberg for upstaging him as the star, overacts a scene requiring Jannings to strangle Dietrich, he really does. Von Sternberg calls on them to reconcile and partner up for a big finish to the film, which they do with Dietrich’s signature song, “Falling in love again.” And Jannings moving performance of the death of the professor in ruin.
7. CRISIS: Uncertain of his future, Jannings asks for help from Studio Chief (and Nazi supporter, Alfred Hugenberg who encourages Jannings to work for the Nazis when they take over. He decides to do so.
8. CLIMAX: Jannings is remorseful for his choice and liberated for having confessed his story which parallels the ruination of the professor he played in “The Blue Angel.”
9. RESOLUTION: Closing Title Cards:
Josef von Sternberg and Marlene Dietrich went to Hollywood and for the next decade created many acclaimed motion pictures.
After 1945 Jannings underwent denazification. He would never act again and died in 1950 at age 65, an ending not unlike that of the Professor he portrayed in “The Blue Angel,” twenty years earlier.
CHARACTER ARC: Jannings accepts his guilt with remorse for having worked for the Nazis in propaganda films.
MAIN CONFLICT: Emil Jannings vs Marlene Dietrich while also undermining the direction of Josef von Sternberg for grooming her for a stardom that he feels upstages him as the star of “The Blue Angel.”
DRAMATIC QUESTION: How did a prominent actor – a man of stature become a tool of Nazi propaganda?
DILEMMA: Will Jannings advance his career by working with the Nazis?
THEME: Gaining the whole world and losing your soul.
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Bob,
Amazing story. I read a couple of versions with different plot structures (Transformation and Rivalry), the story from Jannings’ perspective and featuring Dietrich. Even though Dietrich is the star most everyone remembers, Jannings’ story is worthy as well.
Strong characters. I appreciate the detail you’ve included in the Opening and Inciting Incident, for me it developed the feel and emotion of the time – very nicely done. Especially the tone of the Weimar Republic, the rise of Nazism and the societal impact.
You’ve got a wealth of information and multiple story lines to weave your tale. I’m not sure what’s fiction and what’s real in this true story, but you caught my interest so much I looked up Josef von Sternberg and Emil Jannings. The Blue Angel was supposed to be Jannings shot at success in ‘talkies’, but Dietrich stole the show. This part reminds me of “A Star Is Born” – one career falls while the other skyrockets.
I really like the work you’ve done, Bob, and I’m interested to see which way you select to tell your story. I know I want to read it.
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Hi, John!
Wow! Your comments are very helpful and supportive. Thank you. My first version of the outline is more in accord with the model we have been taught but your notes on version two are very useful in forming, in my own minds, the content at the filling point of the screenplay. Thank you so much.
lBob
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Request for Feedback Exchange #2
Rob Bertrand – SLW Version 2
Concept:
Based on a true story. A traumatized teenage girl becomes convinced that her house is haunted, only for her father to accuse her of lying, but when the paranormal activity escalates and her father is abducted, the girl must rescue her father from an obsessed teenage boy living in the walls, pretending to be her dead mother.
Plot Choice: #7 The Riddle: This one challenges the viewer to solve the riddle before the protagonist.
Character Structure: Dramatic Triangle
Lead Characters:
Protagonist: Annie Andrews is a high school senior, dealing with the recent loss of her mother and struggling with her sexuality. She has a crush on her best friend.
Monster Bait: Jocelyn Wilcox is Annie’s best friend, who enjoys the attention she gets from Annie’s crush.
Antagonist: Danny Laplante is a high school dropout, who’s obsession for Annie drives him to live inside her walls. He’s dangerously jealous over Annie and Jocelyn’s relationship.
Side Character: Jessica Andrews, 12, since the death of her mom, she’s become obsessed with horror movies. Character adds some comedic relief.
Side Character: Jack Andrews is an overworked father, dealing with the loss of his wife and believes that Annie is faking the paranormal occurrences for attention. Struggling with alcoholism.
Character Arc: Annie Andrews goes from a depressed teenager, lacking self-esteem, to a confident, self-assured adult.
Part to be changed: Guilt and depression over the death of her mother.
Biggest fear: Rejection by her intolerant father.
Completion of arc: Annie finds the courage to come out to her father, who turns out to be supportive.Dramatic Question: Can a traumatized teenager overcome the guilt of her mom’s death and defeat the monster haunting her home?
Main Conflict: No one believes Annie’s claims of paranormal activity and thinks she’s faking it for attention.
Dilemma: Danny Laplante is hiding in the walls, playing demented mind games.
Theme: Childhood is over the moment you realize that monsters are real.
Plot/Structure:
Opening: Annie Andrews drives her drunk parents’ home from a wedding and is involved in a serious accident. Nora Andrews (mom) dies on the scene.
Inciting Incident: At the funeral reception, Annie Andrews is embarrassed by her drunken intolerant father’s comments about gay people.
By Page 10, you know what the movie is about: Annie’s father sets her up on a blind date with a new kid in town. Jocelyn convinces Annie to go as a joke. Annie communicates with Danny, who sounds too good to be true.
First Turning Point, End of Act 1: Annie goes to the fair with Danny, who turns out to be the complete opposite of how he described himself. All he wants to talk about is Annie’s dead mother. Jocelyn follows from afar, sending messages to Annie. Danny is not in on the joke. Annie ends up rejecting Danny.
Mid-Point: After several occurrences of phantom voices, furniture moving around and unexplained footsteps, Annie and Jessica become convinced the house is haunted by their mother. Annie performs a séance with her little sister and Jocelyn, in hopes of finding closure with their dead mother. The girls are busted by Jack, who’s drunk and upset over what he considers witchcraft.
Second Turning Point, End of Act 2: The paranormal activity increases when Annie and Jessica discover a threatening bloody message on the wall. After the police investigate and discover it was written in Ketchup, Annie is accused of faking it. Jocelyn is attacked by a “woman in white” and is hospitalized. Jocelyn’s parents forbid her to see Annie.
Crisis: After a period of calm, Annie discovers another bloody message and is attacked by an unseen presence. Annie and her sister run to the neighbors. Annie’s father investigates the house and but disappears.
Climax: Annie discovers Danny has been living in the walls. He’s become obsessed with Annie and wants Annie to choose between him and her father. Annie overcomes her fear and guilt with the help of her dad and tricks Danny to rescues her father. They escape together, after Danny vanishes. Police later find Danny hiding in a secret crawlspace. He’s been hiding there for months.
Resolution: Annie finds the courage to come out to her father, who’s surprisingly supportive. Annie’s father quits drinking and the family moves away.
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Rob: I like your outline. Compelling characters and story. I like the secret crawl space to explain how Danny can live inside the walls for months. The woman in white who attacks Jocelyn, would you consider clarifyiing her identity. I wasn’t sure if she was the real ghost of Annie’s mother, Danny or even Jessica playing the ghost of Annie’s mother, or an independent paranormal entity that is causing activity. Like a surprise: Not all the paranormal activity was Danny in the walls but a genuine ‘real thing’ ghost.
THOUGHT: Could little Jessica the horror-movies enthusiast be responsible for some of the strange goings on? Could she be writing messages in ketchup? Being the ‘woman in white’? Just a thought.
I hope that this is helpful. As I said you have a compelling story and characters. There are just these few pieces that need tightening.
Would you give feedback to my concept. Posted above yours. “‘Moths Around a Flame:’ The Making of the Blue Angel.” The first one, at the top, dated 10/1/21 is my current outline.
Many thanks.
Bob
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Thanks Bob. I’m reading your outline now. I’ll post feedback soon.
P.S. The woman in white is actually Danny, wearing a wig and the dead mom’s wedding dress. This actually happened in real life. I’ll make that clear in my 3rd version outline.
– Rob
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Rob,
I read both the original and Version 2, and I’m a big fan of Version 2.
You’ve added a lot of new elements, starting right at your Concept with ‘based on a true story’ – wow. I like the amended Concept where you reference the father’s abduction and his rescue from the obsessed ….. dead mother. Really nicely done. And I like your plot choice – the Riddle. There are a lot of fun elements here (lady in white, bloody messages), and I like that you’ve included them in your updated structure.
You’ve done a really nice job here. Your concept is supported in the structure, the Dramatic Question is tested at various times and moves the story forward and I think you’ve got an interesting theme that shows itself numerous times.
I think one area you can work on is the Dilemma and flesh that out a little more – maybe look at from the Protagonist’s viewpoint. Overall, I really enjoyed your story, Rob. Great work.
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Hey, John!
It looks like you posted this response for Rob Bertrand in my thread. Just thought I should let you know for whatever it’s worth. Thanks again for your own feedback for my outline.
Bob
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Thanks Pablo. I can exchange here because your email bounced into spam on my NYU server. Say what you want about mine here.
I was immediately drawn into your timely concept, convincing research, structural clarity, and authoritative story telling about an important topic always in the news.
I love the irony of turning the delinquent drone into a guardian angel, something that could be filmed beautifully.
Irma is sympathetic and her plight universal. The antagonistic forces are complex because of the Ultranationalists’ gambling plot, drones, and Dark Web layered on top of a border crisis we hear about every day.
Characters transform in a convincing way and you orchestrated the crisis/climax/conclusion in a satisfying way.
I would work on phrasing the Dilemma and Theme in more original ways before you pitch it.
I can’t find anything wrong with it so the next challenge would be to develop excellent sequencing of scenes, dialogue, subtext etc. that we will do later on. Since it is such a hot topic, anything to make it as original as possible will help you get first bid of production.
Congratulations on developing an important story worth telling!
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Hi, Julia. Thank you for your kind words. I completely agree that both the theme and the dilemma of my concept need a bit of tweaking. I’ll keep working on it.
So let’s discuss your idea. This is definitely ambitious. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to adapt a novel into a screenplay. And this story has several layers to it. So let’s talk about what works and what might need work.
I very much like the theme: Fate Vs. Will. Life is filled with powerful outside influences beyond our control. Call it fate or destiny, but as much as we’d like to think we have control over our own lives (and for the most part we do), things like aging or even environmental catastrophe remind us that some choices are made for us. And you could say that life is a delicate balance between the two. Fate brings you opportunities, and Will determines whether or not you take them. Fate is the destiny that is pre-planned for you, but it’s up to you to do something with it. That’s deep. It’s a good theme.
You’ve built an entire world here. And fleshed out your characters. I envy you for that since I’m still putting the pieces of my world together. There’s a good character dynamic in that everyone brings something to the table. Bobby->Betty brings much, much more to the table since they are an extremely complex character. They immediately make the story interesting. Their path is not just a windy road but a loop-the-loop roller coaster ride.
But you said it yourself. This is quite a labyrinth. I have to admit, it was a bit hard for me to follow. You have a number of other characters outside of the main four that I can only assume are integral parts of the actual novel. But you’ll only have 120 pages maximum to hand this off as a screenplay to a producer. And Bobby’s transition to Betty alone deserves a lot of screen time. You’re a writer so you’ve heard this a million times before: Kill your darlings. I encourage you to streamline this story a bit. Maybe even make separate outlines for each character first and then cut and suture parts together to make this work. You can add all the nuance and depth later when you actually start writing the script. I’m sure you know all this already which is why you are taking the class. But just for the sake of the outline portion of this course, I’d advise you to cut the fat and sprinkle in the parts you truly love to see if it still fits. I think you’ll know what’s worth keeping and what’s not. It’s one of the hardest parts of writing though, am I right?
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Yeah, Pablo, I am also plagued by these irritating questions that I have a compulsion to answer too quickly. It’s probably good to have them all churning in the viewer’s mind to increase suspense and intrigue. Your story is set up for this but I didn’t do the action/reaction right so I am in trouble. Even though I taught martial arts for thirty years, I unconsciously protect my characters from the relentless conflict and competition that combust drama. Your mother is kind and sympathetic but keeping her dilemmas open and churning may help. But don’t cut anything yet!
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Rob Bertrand – SLW Version 3
Request for Feedback Exchange
Updated 10/1/21
Concept:
Based on a true story. A traumatized teenager becomes convinced that her house is haunted, only for her father to accuse her of lying, but when the paranormal activity escalates and her father is taken hostage, the girl must rescue her father from an obsessed teenage boy living in the walls, pretending to be her dead mother.
Plot Choice: #7 The Riddle: This one challenges the viewer to solve the riddle before the protagonist.
Character Structure: Dramatic Triangle
Lead Characters:
Protagonist: Annie Andrews is a high school senior, dealing with the recent loss of her mother and struggling with her sexuality. She has a crush on her best friend.
Monster Bait: Jocelyn Wilcox is Annie’s best friend, who enjoys the attention she gets from Annie’s crush.
Antagonist: Danny Laplante is a high school dropout with a history of mental illness, who’s obsession for Annie drives him to live inside her walls. He’s dangerously jealous over Annie and Jocelyn’s relationship.
Side Character: Jessica Andrews, 12, since the death of her mom, she’s become obsessed with horror movies. Character adds some comedic relief.
Side Character: Jack Andrews is an overworked father, dealing with the loss of his wife and believes that Annie is faking the paranormal occurrences for attention. Struggling with alcoholism.
Character Arc: Annie Andrews goes from a depressed teenager, lacking self-esteem, to a confident, self-assured adult.
Part to be changed: Guilt and depression over the death of her mother.
Biggest fear: Rejection by her intolerant father.
Completion of arc: Annie finds the courage to come out to her father, who turns out to be supportive.Dramatic Question: Can a traumatized teenager overcome the guilt of her mom’s death and defeat the monster haunting her home?
Main Conflict: No one believes Annie’s claims of paranormal activity and thinks she’s faking it for attention.
Dilemma: Danny Laplante is hiding in the walls, playing demented mind games.
Theme: Childhood is over the moment you realize that monsters are real.
Plot/Structure:
Opening: Annie Andrews drives her drunk parents’ home from a wedding and is involved in a serious accident. Nora Andrews (mom) dies on the scene.
Inciting Incident: At the funeral reception, Annie is embarrassed by her father’s intolerant comments about gay people. She’s struggling with her own sexuality.
By Page 10, you know what the movie is about: Annie’s father sets her up on a blind date with a new boy in town. Jocelyn convinces Annie to go as a joke.
First Turning Point, End of Act 1: Annie goes to the fair with Danny, who turns out to be the complete opposite of how he described himself. All he wants to talk about is Annie’s dead mother. Jocelyn follows from afar, sending messages to Annie. Danny is not in on the joke. Annie ends up rejecting Danny.
Mid-Point: After several occurrences of phantom voices, furniture moving around and unexplained footsteps, Annie and Jessica become convinced the house is haunted by their mother. Annie performs a séance with her little sister and Jocelyn, in hopes of finding closure with their dead mother. The girls are busted by Jack, who’s drunk and upset over what he considers witchcraft.
Second Turning Point, End of Act 2: The paranormal activity increases when Annie and Jessica discover a threatening bloody message on the wall. After the police investigate and discover it was written in Ketchup, Annie is accused of faking it. Jocelyn is attacked by a “woman in white” and is hospitalized. Jocelyn’s parents forbid her to see Annie.
Crisis: After a period of calm, Annie discovers another bloody message and is attacked by an unseen presence. Annie and her sister run to the neighbors. Annie’s father investigates the house, but disappears after seeing the “Woman in White.”
Climax: Annie discovers Danny, wearing a blonde wig and wearing her mother’s wedding dress, holding an axe to her dad’s throat. Danny has been living in the walls, faking the paranormal activity. He’s become obsessed with Annie and wants Annie to choose between him and her father. Annie overcomes her fear, tricks Danny and rescues her father. Police later find Danny hiding in a secret crawlspace. He’s been hiding there for months.
Resolution: Annie finds the courage to come out to her father, who’s surprisingly supportive. Annie’s father quits drinking and the family moves away.
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I like what you did. Good Luck, Rob.
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Thanks for your help, Bob.
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Rob,
I just read Version 3 after providing a review on Version 2. I like this version – more clarity on Danny/woman in white and you’ve revealed a few more tidbits. I’m excited to see this when you’re done. Great job, Rob!
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Hi Rob:
Nice to meet you. May I exchange feedback with you from my SLW Version 1 (only one I posted so far) and I can give feedback to you on your post: Rob Bertrand – SLW Version 3. (I did not read SLW V1 & V2, but from Concept I can tell we seem to be working “similar” genres, different tones). Please let me know, thank you!
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Hi Armand. Sure, I’d be happy to trade reviews. I’ll find yours and review as soon as possible.
Rob
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Rob. This is feedback for Version 3:
Concept: I think this Concept is exciting. Felt like the type of movie to be marketed with the promise of a twist ending. (then I read this was a Riddle and it all tracked).
Protagonist: All your universe of characters is wonderful. If I may suggest: giving the protagonist a more “active” spin. Struggling with her sexuality is a strong choice for the genre. But could Annie be conceived as less victim-y and more of a tangible hero? Her arc sounds great on the emotional side. Does she have the skills to defeat the monster? I think the audience would like to see that right away, even though it will be a journey to get us there.
Does all of the SLW reflect the concept? Based on a true story did not seem to be relevant in the outline but it’s part of your pitch. By page 10, we did not see any reference to paranormal activity or the ghost of the dead mother haunting them. We saw a queer protagonist in the closet going on a date to please the parent, consider bringing the promise of your premise early on. Why is she worth stalking? I think this is an opportunity to ask how we can elevate our hero and even make her more relatable to non-LGBTQ viewers, other than expect her to be.
Did the writer get to the essence of the Dramatic Question and Main Conflict? I think there are opportunities to go deeper into an angle of self-acceptance as an LGBTQ individual. This does not mean you need to add more details to the plot. But instead, I wonder if our Protagonist can be empowered with more tools to figure out the riddle that is herself.
3. Does the Dramatic Question show up in the Structure? It shows up in the Opening and in the 3rd Act. But the first Act is taking its time building the Concept.
5. When you read the structure, can you see a story? Yes. And the character arc is solid. In my opinion, a lot of the structure is framed around the Father and what he thinks of the daughter. There might be an opportunity to focus the story on Annie’s coming out without her self-acceptance (and the audience’s expectations of this) being tied to having to save the father’s life.
Dilemma: The dilemma posted here focused on Danny. But based on the class assignment, I believe it should be: how the Protagonist has two choose between 2 equally bad scenarios. A good dilemma question shows up in your Climax.
Theme: “Childhood is over the moment you realize that monsters are real.” This is good. But I have a take as a Millennial gay man to share with you: The world is full of evils, YES but as they say, “it gets better.” For it to get better, you need to accept yourself OR: make a personal choice that takes you FORWARD. It seems to me that the theme is too focused on the past, rather than in the possibility and hope of change.
Plot/Structure:
It’s a complex story. Good job creating this world. I’m excited for its evolution during the class.
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Thanks so much! I’m going to really think on this and work it into my next round. Much thanks!!!
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Michelle Damis Request for Feedback Exchange
Story Logic Web
Title: Empty Nest
Genre: Dark Comedy
Concept: A Vampire forced to find a new place to live finds a home with empty-nester parents who unknowingly trade their soul-sucking daughter for a blood-sucking tenant.
Ensemble Cast-Lead Characters:
The Vampire: Ted is a several hundred-year-old Vampire looking for a new place to live due to his abandoned building being torn down to make way for fancy condos.
The Daughter: Nina couldn’t find an affordable apartment after graduating college and was forced to move back in with her parents. She harbors resentment and blames her mother for an event that happened in high school.
The Dad: Jim is a recently retired grade school principal, beloved by all with a heart of gold. He wouldn’t hurt a fly. He always wanted a son.
The Mom: Marin is a recently retired highly respected public defender that hasn’t gotten along with her daughter for years. She also holds a secret, after a sexual attack she was unable to have more children.
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Plot #12 METAMORPHOSIS: This plot is a magical one. It usually begins with a curse that is
generally cured by some type of love — either parental, romantic, love of others, or love of God. This is about a transformation back to humanity through love.9 beats of Structure:
1. Opening: We meet Ted the Vampire and get to know him (VO background life info narration), going to a nightclub with a vampire friend. We meet Nina at the same nightclub, learn about her “life” thru conversation with friends.(the two characters parallel somewhat)
2. Inciting Incident: Ted comes home to notification of demolition. Parents have an epiphany “anybody” better than her they decide to get a tenant so they can afford to pay Nina’s rent in the city.
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Parents interviewing possible tenants, Ted interviews…and they adore him. Nina is thrilled to get to move out but not happy with their choice, she kind of recognizes him, but can’t put her finger on it.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1 Ted learns he can’t kill landlord or family, starting to become fond…feeling like a family, Nina becoming jealous and suspicious.
5. Mid-Point: Nina discovers Ted is a vampire, she goes to her parents who don’t believe her. One or some of Jim and Marin’s friends go missing.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: Nina confronts Ted, Elder vampires confront Ted-he is cornered.
7. Crisis: Ted wants to protect the family, but he doesn’t want to leave. Marin and Nina go missing. Ted has to tell Jim, Jim asks Ted to turn him to help save his wife and daughter. Ted says No-he promises to save them.
8. Climax: Marin and Nina are tied up together, Why Nina is so angry at her mother comes out after years (explaining her terrible behavior) Marin confesses a shocking secret as well. Things go VERY BAD. Ted has to turn Jim to save them.
9. Resolution choice A.) they are saved and Ted sacrifices himself so that Jim turns back…the family is whole again. B.) they are saved, Ted sacrifices himself to turn Jim back and in doing so his selfless act turns him back to human. C.) they all turn and become a vampire family D.) They all turn, then Ted sacrifices himself to turn them back. They all wake up in their beds…was it a dream?Character Arc:
The Vampire: Ted goes from a lonely, uncaring, vampire with disdain for humans to wishing he was human again so he could be part of a family.
Nina-The Daughter: goes from an angry, mean daughter with a chip on her shoulder to confessing a secret, forgiving her mother, and finding peace.
Jim-The Dad: A gentle man that wouldn’t hurt a fly to being willing to kill to save his family and Ted.
Marin-The Mom: Marin goes from being confused and hurt by her daughters treatment of her, to understanding, forgiving, and confessing her own deep secret.
Main Conflict(s): The vampire becoming connected to the family and not wanting to kill anymore and the daughter and her parents relationship.
Dramatic Question: How will the family survive living with a Vampire?
Dilemma(s): When the family is in danger will Ted fight for them or sacrifice himself? Will the family choose to be turned to survive?
Theme: Family/Love is worth fighting for.
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Hi Michelle,
I really like your story. The Story Logic Web seems strong. The characters are strong too. I think all of your possible resolutions are good. B is my favorite because it means a happy ending for everyone without the humans having to turn to vampires. If Ted turns human, then he no longer has the conflict of whether to kill the family or protect them. If the family turns, that also eliminates the conflict – but it’s ultimately your decision on what you’ll be most happy with.
You could maybe elaborate on the threat from the Elder vampires. What do they want Ted to do? I’m also not clear on how turning Jim saves Nina and Marin. When you say things go very bad, is that between Nina and Marin or between Nina and Marin and the vampires?
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Thank you Amy F. for the feedback. I was trying to keep my 9 beats brief and of course will clarify more as we get into writing scenes. Do you still need feedback on yours?
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Hi Michelle,
I have one, but another one would help to see if you are seeing the same problems.
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Hi Michelle, this sounds like a lot of fun! Here are a couple thoughts I had while reading your SLW:
Structure – I had the exact same 2 questions as Amy (who are the elders, why would Jim being a vampire help him save his wife & daughter) but it sounds like those details just didn’t make it into the SLW. Also wondering who tied Nina & Marin up, since that’s never mentioned. (The elders?) I also like option B for the ending since it reinforces the plot of metamorphosis (love changing you back into human) but since this is a dark comedy, any of them could work well.
Theme – One thing that struck me is that even though the idea is that “family is worth fighting for” and that Ted wishes he could be human again to be part of a family, the family he joins is very small. It’s really just him and the empty nester parents, since Nina now lives in the city. Of course 3 people can make a family, but have you thought about maybe expanding the family so he sees what it means to be part of a larger group of people who care for each other? It’s a big change from his loner past, it puts even more temptation right in his face, plus, having some kooky or strange family members would give a lot of opportunity for humor. Just an idea.
The Dramatic Question makes me wonder whose story this is – you’ve put Ensemble Cast but from the opening and ending, it really seems like it’s Ted’s story. If so, the Dramatic Question could be framed around him – Will Ted succumb to his vampire instincts and kill the family he’s come to care about? When I think of ensemble casts, I think of things like Love Actually or How to Make an American Quilt or something, where each person has their own story & conflict. Here, there are really just 2 main plotlines and conflicts – Ted’s struggle over not feasting on the family, and then Nina’s relationship with her parents. So I see this in my mind as more of Ted’s story with a very strong secondary plot of Nina & her parents that reinforces the theme. Not sure if that would change anything in the way you structure or write it going forward, but it’s something to think about.
Hope this helps, and let me know if you have any questions for me!
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Thank you for some good food for thought- I will take it to heart for sure!. And yes my SLW didn’t have all the details that I saw other have. (I thought it was supposed to be a couple sentence quick best-not too detailed yet) When I’m told to keep it brief- I do- I’ve seen way too many emails not get read and scripts get tossed for being too much and too wordy!
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I WELCOME FEEDBACK AND ANYONE WHO GIVES FEEDBACK ON MINE, I WILL RETURN THE FAVOR! I had a hard time working all this out (time travel stories lead to a lot of potential plot holes), hence posting so late, and I would really value any input. Post feedback here or feel free to email me at danlyerin (at) yahoo (dot) com. Thanks!!
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Erin’s Story Logic Web v2:
Logline/Concept: A stubborn, by-the-book special forces expert must team up with a lazy, fun-loving version of himself – both of whom traveled back in time to 2028 – to track down a rogue nuclear warhead destined to start WW3.
Lead Characters:
Richard, a stubborn and inflexible Space Force special forces “nuke troop” in the year 2055
Dick, who is Richard but 3 years older, who was sent back to 2028 and is enjoying the good life in the past instead of carrying out his mission; unlike Richard, he’s easygoing, fun, and spontaneous
Cap, Richard and Dick’s commanding officer in 2055 who sends them on this secret mission
Shaz, the British-born American tech billionaire whose wants to establish the first successful commercial space tourism company and who is also secretly stockpiling rogue nuclear warheads
Vlad, the Russian real estate/tech billionaire who also wants to establish the first successful commercial space tourism company and whom we find out has the rogue nuke in question
Plot/Structure: #3 Pursuit: Protag is in pursuit of the rogue nuke, rather than a particular person
1. OPENING – The year 2055: Richard, member of the special forces of the Space Force, also known as the “nuke troops,” leads a team of young troops on what turns out to be an exercise. He’s a stubborn, uptight, by-the-book kind of guy. At home, we see that Richard’s marriage is strained and he can’t forgive his wife for a brief fling she had 12 years ago.
2. INCITING INCIDENT – As a trained nuke expert with knowledge of the future, Richard is sent back to 2028 to carry out his top secret mission of locating a rogue nuke that is destined to start WW3 and disarming/destroying it in order to save millions of lives in the future.
3. BY PAGE 10 YOU KNOW WHAT THE MOVIE IS ABOUT – Richard tracking down the rogue nuke in the past.
4. END OF ACT 1 TURNING POINT – Richard discovers Dick (who is himself, but 3 years older, who was sent back to 2028 from the year 2058) is actually alive – not dead, as Richard’s CO expected – and they team up to track down the nuke, but Dick is resistant to helping.
5. MID POINT – Richard shows Dick that Shaz, a British-born American tech billionaire who is trying to establish a space tourism company, is stockpiling nukes, which leads Richard to believe Shaz has the rogue warhead they’re after. Dick finally agrees to help Richard. Shaz admits she had purchased the rogue nuke but it was stolen from her en route and she doesn’t know where it is.
6. END OF ACT 2 TURNING POINT – After tracking down the nuke to Russian billionaire Vlad and his bad guys, Dick is taken hostage (since Vlad doesn’t realize there are two of them, so he doesn’t pursue Richard). Richard is on his own to free Dick and to get his hands on the nuke, which Vlad plans to launch into space on the next rocket launch in a few days.
7. CRISIS – Richard finally locates Dick, who confesses that in late 2055, his/their wife leaves them. Richard has to face the truth, that if he carries on as he is, he WILL lose his wife. His dilemma is to let go of his stubborn ways in order to become the man his wife needs him to be, right at the moment he’s engaged in the most high stakes military operation of his life, or to carry on in his ways and surely lose his wife. He finally decides to trust Dick and do things his way for a while and stop being so controlling.
8. CLIMAX – The Russian’s rocket launch with the nuke onboard. Richard, Dick & Shaz need to make sure the launch is sabotaged and recover the nuke. Vlad and his team are trying to ensure it goes off without a hitch.
9. RESOLUTION – Dick stays in the past and enjoys the life he’s built for himself. Richard goes back to his timeline and is able to save his marriage. The good guys win and the bad guys lose!
Character Arc:
Richard goes from a stubborn and rigid stickler who won’t let go of the past to a more accepting, go-with-the-flow kind of guy
– Part to be changed: his stubborn rigidity and inability to let go of the past
– Biggest fear: losing his wife
– Completion of arc: only by having learned the value (to both his personal life and his work as a cop) of being less uptight, more able to improvise from his partner (ie, another version of himself), he’s able to save his wife (as well as complete the mission and return to his timeline)
The Necessary Questions:
Dramatic Question: Will Richard be able to track down the rogue nuclear weapon and prevent it from ending up on the moon, which eventually starts WW3?
Main Conflict: Richard, the stubborn and by-the-book protag, has to team up with another version of himself who is an easygoing, lazy wildcard more interested in perfecting his tan than saving the world, to carry out the mission.
Dilemma: To stick to his tried-and-true way of doing things that have made him very effective but have also strained his marriage terribly, or try new ways of doing things but risk failing at the most important military operation he’s ever been faced with
Theme: Sometimes you have to let go and be more flexible to get what you want.
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Hi Erin,
I like your story. This is an interesting and intriguing idea. I certainly sympathize with the difficulties of working out the logistics of time travel. My feedback is mostly questions for clarification and maybe things that you’ve already worked out-but if not, food for thought. think your 9 points flow well from one to the other and are strong. Here are my questions:
Why is Dick so different from Richard? Was it just because his wife left him? I look forward to reading the conversations between them.
You say that Richard leads the “nuke troops” on what turns out to be an exercise. What is the exercise? What exactly is going on in that scene and what’s its significance?
Also, has Richard already traveled into the future? Is that where WWIII takes place? Is that why he suspects he will die in the future? If WWIII takes place after 2055, then why does Richard need to travel back to 2028 to stop it?
Richard’s dilemma is to stick to his tried and true ways and risk losing his marriage or become more flexible and save his marriage. How does this play out if his wife is in 2055? Is this an internal struggle only until he gets back to 2055?
Does learning to be more flexible help Richard in his quest to stop the rogue nuke? The dilemma and the dramatic question seem to be a bit at odds.
I hope this helps. Let me know if you have questions about any of my comments.
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Hi Amy, thanks so much for the feedback! I appreciate your questions because while I have worked all those things out in my mind, I haven’t included that info in my SLW and probably by being too brief I’m also being unclear. I will add a little more info. I agree about the dilemma and dramatic question. I feel the dilemma is weak and it may turn out that since this is firmly in the action genre, the dilemma may be something more tangible (eg, find the nuke OR save Dick, or something of that nature) rather than emotional (eg, become a better man OR stick to his old ways). I’m still trying to figure that out. Thanks again!
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Erin, What a fun start, here are some of my thoughts/feedback. I adore time travel themes, and love thinking about the logic of them.
Logline: Tighten up anywhere you can. If you start with. “A time-travel mishap pairs… I think you could shorten the rest. In addition leading with the fact that its time travel in the first few words could be helpful in attracting your audience. PS I ended up flipping my logline around on Day 8 assignment.
Characters: Since it is in the future and “the future is female” (according to some) perhaps more female characters would be appropriate. I feel like most time travel films are about males traveling, so going female could be a great way to set it apart.
I had some of the same questions as Amy F. in her feedback to you , especially “why” the change in Dick. Something really clever to explain the change would certainly elevate the story.
You have the opportunity for some really interesting/fun twists with time travel and multiple “Richards” I’d like to see you really blow peoples minds in that area.
If you are planning on having it be more comedic I suggest you watch “Multiplicity” with Micheal Keaton for some inspiration and of course a good laugh.
I look forward to seeing how this develops. Thank you in advance for your feedback on mine!
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Hi Michelle, thanks so much for the feedback! I totally agree about the logline. I’ve had a very hard time trying to fit in the elements that make this concept unique without it getting too long, and in a way that makes sense. Is one of these better and/or clearer? “Traveling back in time to 2028 from different points in the future, an uptight special forces expert must team up with an easygoing version of himself to track down a rogue nuke and prevent WW3.” OR “Traveling back in time to 2028 from different points in the future, two versions of the same special forces expert – one uptight, the other easygoing – must team up to track down a rogue nuke and prevent WW3.”
I have thought about having the main character be a female, and I may make that change down the line. I definitely want some big roles for women in here! I’m considering making the two billionaire baddies women so there can be an extra layer of rivalry between them. As for the questions you, Amy & Bob have raised, I need to add more info into my SLW, since I’ve got those details figure out in my mind but I’ve made my SLW so brief it’s unclear. And this is going to be a comedy – I haven’t seen Multiplicity in years but I will give it a rewatch! Thanks again!
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I’m wondering if you even have to lock or mention the year or even that they came from different times. I think that is obvious when he runs into another version of himself, especially if you reference a time travel mishap. But I think you are for sure getting closer! Good Luck!
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Hello, Erin!
I last I caught up with you. I like your story, but as others have said below, clarification would be helpful.
I like the plot that Richard and Dick are the same person and brothers with opposite attributes and born a few years apart. How did that happen? Some scientist create some way that the opposite attributes are separated into two persons?
Also, your plot set-up is brilliant and timely, space tourism and competition by a Russian interloper with a nuke. IN the resolution you mention the good guys win and the bad guys loose. I’d like to suggest that you flesh out how that happens and the world is saved from the ‘nuke.’
I hope this is helpful. You have a great concept.
I’d like to hear your feedback about my “Moths Around a Flame.” It’s the first outline at the top of page two.
Thank you.
Bob
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Hi Bob, thanks so much for the feedback! I realize I’ve left a lot of questions unanswered in my SLW in an attempt to be brief, but since this is such a plot-heavy action movie with time travel, I also realize more clarification would be helpful. I’ll add in more details to my next iteration. The idea is that Richard traveled to 2028 from the year 2055. Dick traveled to the year 2028 from the year 2058. So they are actually the same person, but Dick is Richard in 3 years’ time. I will make that clearer. Thanks again!
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Jim Peacock – v3. If anyone is interested in exchanging further feedback I’m in! Some notes to myself about further changes. Thanks for all the help so far!
The Transgressors
Concept: A painfully shy, lonely computer nerd stumbles upon a plot by the Russian mafia to deploy an EMP dirty bomb, then uses his growing maturity and awareness to defeat the crime boss and expose his plan, all while falling in love for the first time.
Much more like Bourne – FBI and the Russians are much smarter and can track them.
Mafia is in a Moscow, working freely
Harry may be working with the FBI, but in the end proves himself
Jake is an angry young man, for obvious reasons, but matures and gets over it. Has to to keep Mary.
So how will maturity save the day? Doesn’t but make him open to love, plus he becomes aware of his surroundings
What is Jean Claude’s motivation?
In the final 3-way confrontation, Jake has his finger over the submit button to transfer all the assets. Mogilevich says if Jake pushes the button, he’ll kill Mary. Jake pushes the button??
Harrry goes through a decision – should he fight to protect his little brother, the dingleberry, or continue their alientation and turn him in.
Every single person in Jake’s world has questionable motives. He can trust no one and must make decisions on his own, resisting pressure from all others.
Plot Choice: #9 Underdog and #13 Maturation/#14 Love. 2 equal plots, not a subplot.
Lead Characters:
Protagonist, Jake: The painfully shy 20ish computer geek who discovers the plot. Underneath he rages at the world
Antagonist, Simeon Mogilevich: Leader of a Russian mafia family with Kremlin connections, plans to use GIs loyal to Mother Russia to gain access to an EMP bomb.
Mary: Geeky girl next door who undertakes a trip of discovery with Jake
Jean Claude: Conspiracy theorist who also joins up with Jake
Harry: Jake’s older brother who provides the muscle and begins by helping the FBI
Protagonist Character Arc: Jake goes from a lonely boy unable to interact with humans on a personal basis and unwilling to let anyone else into his world, to a man willing to take risks on multiple levels to protect his country and save the one person he has finally let into his heart.
Part to be changed: Ability to risk letting anyone into his life
Biggest fear: Being abandoned and hurt again
Completion of arc: Jake matures quickly and ultimately lets Mary into his life and makes difficult choices to protect his country.
Dramatic Question: Can Jake defeat Mogilevich and stop his plan? Can Jake open his heart and find love?
· Where established: By page 10 we’ve seen a potential relationship between Jake and Mary. We’ve also seen Mogilevich seek to discover what Jake’s plan is.
· How does it increase in intensity?: With each confrontation with Mogilevich, he ratches up his pursuit of Jake, finding ever more devious ways to threaten and intimidate.
· Where does the question get answered?: In the climax, Jake goes to Mogilevich’s hideout, confronts and kills him, and rescues Mary.
Main Conflict: Mogilevich aims to kill Jake and put his plan to release the bomb into motion. Jake must find a way to stop him and rescue Mary.
· When does it first show up: when Mogilevich vows revenge for Jake hacking into his social club.
· Ways to express the Main Conflict:
o Jake and gang are caught by the FBI
o The trio run away to Canada after being released, chased by M’s men and head to Jean Claude’s Uncle Louis’s cabin.
o Another set of men sent by M directly, find the trio, kill the uncle.
o With Harry’s help they escape to Uncle Louis’s cabin Le Puy, in the mountains of France, pursued by M’s men
· What brings it to a boiling point:
o M himself arrives in Le Puy, France, exasperated that his men can’t get the job done.
· How is the Main Conflict resolved:
o M kidnaps Mary and holds her for ransom.
o Jake kills M after a standoff over $1B.
Jake’s Dilemma: Will Jake have to choose between his heart and his country?
Theme: It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Or in layman’s terms: We can only grow if we open our heart, risk hurt, and make difficult decisions.
Plot in Structure:
Opening Sequence
EXT. CONEY ISLAND SIDEWALK – DAY
Jake eyes glued to the ground, arms wrapped around his laptop, walks past the Tatiana Social Club, and is laughed at and tripped by a goon standing in front of the club. He vows revenge under his breath. This boy seethes with rage.
INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
He chats on the dark web with his only pseudo-friend Jean Claude – another geek in Canada. On this night Jake seeks revenge by hacking into The Social Club’s website and emails, discovers millions of dollars’ worth of assets, and sends a ransomware note for $1million. We learn this is what he does “for a living”, sending ransomware to small companies for $3,000 or $4,000, enough to cover his living expenses. He’s a nice ransomware guy – and it keeps him under the FBI’s radar.
Inciting Incident:
INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Jean Claude calls Jake telling him there’s chatter on the dark web about a Russian mafia kingpin coming after him. Clueless, Jake sees black vans pull up outside, so he grabs his computer and runs out his apartment door.
INT. HALLWAY/MARY’S APARTMENT – CONTINUOUS
Jake runs into Mary, his doppelgänger (mousy, a bit heavy, geekish, Russian accent) in the hallway, coming in from waitressing third shift at the Social Club, run by her uncle. As men storm up the steps Jake looks Mary in the eye for the first time in the year since they met and asks if he can come in. Always interested in him, she lets him in. Together they watch through the peephole as unknown GI’s storm his apartment and search for him. They in turn are interrupted by the FBI pulling up below. The GIs beat it just in time themselves. The FBI has been watching and listening for weeks re his ransomware attacks. They search his apartment and assume he’s been kidnapped. Jake calls Jean Claude for more info, who convinces him it’s a vast CIA conspiracy. He convinces them to run, and Jean Claude decides to steal his mom’s car and come down to help them escape. Jake calls his estranged brother for advice. Harry, a NYC beat cop. “What do you want Dingleberry?”. After Jake tells him the situation, Harry tells him to go to the police and hangs up. We learn that they are alienated after Harry sided with the parents in kicking Jake out.
INT. FBI FIELD OFFICE, NEW YORK – DAY
Agent Terry tries to figure out what happened to Jake. He enlists the help of brother Harry who knows nothing.
INT. MOGILEVICH’S ESTATE, MOSCOW – DAY
Mogelevich is pissed that someone has hacked into the Social club as it is used to funnel money to him through its activities in drugs, prostitution, and extortion. He’s more pissed that his men let Jake get away. What does Jake know of their plan? How powerful is this kid? Is it the CIA? He demands Jake be found and brought to him for questioning.
INT. MARY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
They’ll make a run for it tomorrow. But for now, they’re alone. Neither has ever been kissed, so the intimacy is scary. He won’t sleep in her bed, so she sleeps on the LR floor with him. They don’t touch but after Jake is asleep Mary continues looking at him. We don’t know what that means.
By page 10:
INT. MARY’S APARTMENT – MORNING
Jean Claude arrives and pushes a conspiracy theory that it’s all a CIA plot. Jake decides to run for it, and the other two agree to go with him, each for their own reasons. Jean Cleade because he likes chasing conspiracy theories; Mary because she’s tired of being alone, plus she is attracted to Jake.INT. CAR – DAY
The Trio is chased by the FBI, and eventually caught. We start to see a transformation in Jake as he stares the agents down and analyzes potential next steps – by himself. This guy is starting to show us how smart he is.
First turning point:
INT. FBI FIELD OFFICE – DAY
Jake, Mary, and Jean Claude meet with Jake’s brother and are then interrogated by the FBI, told they think M is planning some kind of attack based on dark web chatter. They don’t know what. They have a choice: jail time or help them catch M. They agree but
EXT. CAR – DAY
as soon as they are set free, and in response to Jean Claude’s conspiracy stories, they make a run for the Canadian border, closely pursued by a group of Russians in US Army uniforms. They make it across as the Army men break to a stop. They don’t want to expose their movement by going across an international border.
INT. MOGILEVICH’S ESTATE, MOSCOW – DAY
M discovers the trio have been talking to the FBI and is furious once again that Jake has escaped. What does he know? He could bring down the entire operation unless they find out what he knows. We learn more of M’s plan and meet his mignons both by his side and embedded in the US military.
Midpoint:
INT. SHABBY CABIN – CANADIAN WILDERNESS – DAY
The trio go to Jean Claude’s uncle’s remote cabin 50 miles north of Quebec, Uncle Louis, also an avid conspiracy theorist, because they don’t know where else to go. Jean Claude’s mother has filed a missing person and theft report. He invites them to his cabin as he’s lonely and loves to talk conspiracy. Jake calls his brother Harry, who again encourages them to come in but admits that the FBI knows almost nothing of the General’s possible plot. Jake logs back into the bank and discovers the details of the plot: to awaken US military members loyal to his cause and give him access to an Electromagnetic Pulse bomb to wipe out communications in the US. Although they have escaped, Jake makes the decision to go back to try and defeat M.
MEANWHILE: Jake and Mary continue to become closer – they talk incessantly, then Mary asks to be held at night. They kiss. Mary and Jean Claude fight constantly, both accusing the other of being in on M’s plot. Both have “evidence”. (1 set was planted). Jake must decide – but not now. Jake wonders who he can trust: Mary? Jean Claude? Harry? Uncle Louis? Each has a history, trait, or incident that makes him suspicious.
Second turning point:
INT. FBI HEADQUARTERS – DAYHarry tells the FBI what Jake has told him about the plot. They don’t believe him. Harry talks to his wife and does some heavy soul searching. We learn why they are estranged. Harry is much older, they never got along, and when Jake was arrested for hacking, he sided with the parents to kick Jake out. In the end he finally decides Jake is the only family he has. He calls Jake and agrees to fly up to help his little brother. FBI is pissed that he’s missing and assume Harry is now in on it.
INT. SHABBY CABIN – NIGHT
The four devise a plan to gather weapons, analyze M’s current strength and location. We see that Jake is now running the show. Mary is impressed. Tensions between Mary and Jean Claude finally come to a head when both show “proof” of the other’s involvement with M’s cause (1 set is planted). There is a 3-way standoff with Jake trying to calm things down. Ultimately, he sides with Mary (we question his motives) and Jake is wounded in the scuffle.
Jake checks his Cayman bank account (he had one!) and finds it frozen! But uncle Louis has money sown in a mattress – enough to fly them to Europe with new passports.
Crisis:
M has discovered where they are; Jake and Jean Claude narrowly escape with Harry’s help. But M successfully kidnaps Mary, flies her to Moscow, and holds her for ransom until Jake turns himself into M and tells him what he knows – and releases his ransomware.
INT. MOGILEVICH’S ESTATE, MOSCOW – DAY
M is furious at Svetlana (aka Mary) for not helping him – a fellow Russian loyalist! Mary remains silent. He grabs her and threatens to kill her unless she talks. She confesses her devotion to the plan, but not to killing people.
INT. SHABBY CABIN – DAY
Harry calls two ex-Marine buddies to come help. Harry holds target practice with Jake.
INT. MOSCOW AIRPORT – DAY
Harry, Jean Claude, the two Marines, and Jake fly to Moscow to rescue Mary (weapons are in the luggage). Their plan is to confirm all details and then tell their story to the press. On the plane, Jean Claude convinces Jake he is loyal. (So where does that leave Mary?) As they step from the plane they are immediately arrested. The two Marines are not known about and are ignored.
Climax:
INT. MOGILEVICH’S ESTATE, MOSCOW – DAY
Jake, Harry, and Jean Claude are taken to M where he demands to know what they know, or he will kill Mary. She is now tied up and looking like a captive. Jake is given a computer and told to release the ransomware on the Social Club. Instead, he freezes all $1billion of assets and tells M what he has done. He’ll now have to keep everyone alive if he hopes to get those funds released!
Meanwhile the two Marines have snuck onto the outside patio, killing 3 guards. They come through the glass doors, tossing Jake and Harry a rifle. (M does not have more protection because he’s in Moscow for goodness sake!) M pulls a gun and is killed by Jake.
Resolution:
INT. AMERICAN EMBASSY – DAY
The group of six hold a press conference at the embassy, revealing the extent of M’s evil plans. Jake and Mary hug for real this time, kiss tenderly, but as the credits roll and the couple continue their hug, there is an evil glint in her eye. She is still intent on completing M’s vision!!
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SLW #2 AFTER FEEDBACK. REVISED LOGLINE.
Bob Smith – Request Feedback exchange. Many Thanks.
CURRENT S.GTORY LOGIC WEB AS OF 10/1/21 CONCEPT for feedback:
THE CONCEPT
WORKING TITLE: “’Moths Around a Flame:’ The Making of ‘The Blue Angel.’” (Based on a true story.)
LOGLINE: The making of the erotic thriller “The Blue Angel” (1930) has an impact on the principal actors, Emil Jannings and [then unknown] Marlene Dietrich and the director (Josef von Sternberg) that leads to success for von Sternberg, stardom for Dietrich, but ironically, the fall of Emil Jannings in a manner that parallels his role as the professor in the film, whose infatuation with a cabaret showgirl leads to his ruin.
PLOT CHOICE: (Tragic) #12 Transformation.
CHARACTER STRUCTURE: Dramatic Triangle.
The dramatic triangle is between the director (Josef von Sternberg) and Marlene Dietrich with Emil Jannings who believes Dietrich upstages him as the star of the film and has alienated von Sternberg from working with him.
LEAD CHARACTERS:
MARLENE DIETRICH is the ‘unknown” whom Josef von Sternberg is grooming for stardom.
JOSEF VON STERNBERG is the director of ‘The Blue Angel” who grooms Dietrich for stardom which grows into an affair that threatens his marriage and complicates his working relationship to his star, Emil Jannings
EMIL JANNINGS is an acclaimed Oscar-winning actor who is the star of “The Blue Angel” who feels dethroned by Dietrich and abandobned by von Sternberg who devotes himself almost full time to mentoring Dietrich to the negect of his working relationship with with him (Jannings).
THE NECESSARY QUESTIONS:
The Dramatic Question: How could an actor – a man of Jannings’ stature have allowed himself to be exploited by the Nazis in propaganda films?
The Main Conflict: Between Jannings and Dietrich with von Sternberg trying to mediate as director in this feud between his discovery and lover Dietrich and his star, Jannings.
The Emotional Dilemma:
For Jannings: To swallow his jealousy and animus, at the director’s request in order to be partners in art with Dietrich to complete the film. Later, with apparently no film career
in Hollywood, does Jannings work with the Nazi propagandist film industry just to have a motion picture career?
For Dietrich: To disregard her contempt for Jannings, at the director’s request and be partners in art with him for the completion of the film.
For von Sternberg: To be not only a lover and mentor for Dietrich but to be a director who mediates between feuding actors.
The Theme: What does a man gain if gains the whole world but loses his own soul?
ARC OF LEAD CHARACTERS.
In spite of the feud, Dietrich, Jannings, and von Sternberg finish a magnificent film.
Dietrich and von Sternberg return to America.
Jannings remains in Germany believing he has no future in Hollywood (his German accent doesn’t work in Hollywood “talkies.” and receives counsel from a studio executive that he should consider continuing his career in films for the Third Reich.
Here’s the outline: 9 Beat format
1. OPENING: Berlin, July, 1945. Brandishing an Oscar statuette, Emil Jannings (now 60) presents himself at US Army headquarters shouting, “Don’t shoot! I won an Oscar!”
2. INCITING INCIDENT: A US OFFICER INTERVIEWS Jannings wants to know what it was like filming “The Blue Angel” and why an actor and man of his stature allowed himself to be exploited by the Nazi propaganda film industry to which Jannings replies by telling the story of this film
3 BY PAGE TEN: Against the wishes of the studio brass and his star (Jannings), von Sternberg casts an unknown (Marlene Dietrich) in the role of the cabaret showgirl Lola Lola who is the love-interest of the professor portrayed by Jannings – who immediately believes Dietrich is upstaging him as the star which starts their conflict.
4. FIRST TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT ONE:To ingratiate herself further with von Sternberg (who needs none) and mend relations with Jannings (who wants none), Dietrich takes them out on a tour of the Weimar “Berlin of Lola Lola” where their party is stopped by Nazis who hurl rocks through the windows of a gay cabaret where they are having drinks.
5, MID POINT: The conflict between Jannings and Dietrich escalates to violence when Jannings overacts a scene of strangling Dietrich’s character that he actually strangles Dietrich and injures her to which von Sternberg calls on both actors to partner up in the name of the art and finish the film..
6, SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT TWO: Von Sternberg’s intervention has worked and Dietrich and Jannings turn in stellar perfomances especially in Dietrich’s signature song, “Falling in love again” and Jannings’ scene of the ruined professor dying.
7, CRISIS: After the film wraps, Jannings, convinced he has no future in Hollywood, asks a studio chief (and Nazi-supporter) for advice and he answers that he should work in Nazi cinema. .
8. CLIMAX: The US Of.ficer who asked he dramatic question informs Jannings that he must be de-nazified which effectively ends his acting career and ruins him in a manner that mirrors the ruination of his professor-character in “The Blue Angel.”
9. RESOLUTION: Closing Titles:
Emil Jannings never acted again. He died in 1950 of liver cancer. He was given a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame which was removed years later.
Marlene Dietrich and Josef von Sternberg went to Hollywood and made many acclaimed motion pictures through the 1930’s. Dietrich condemned Hitler and Nazism, She became an American Citizen and entertained the troops even as they marched against the German Wehrmacht.
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Hi Bob, I’ve told you before that I think this is a fascinating story and it definitely makes great material for a movie. I can really feel your passion for telling this story coming through.
The Dramatic Question and the Emotional Dilemmas – To me it seems that Jannings is the only one who has a true dilemma, where he has to give up something no matter what choice he makes. His dilemma is very compelling. Should he go against his beliefs and film propaganda films for the Nazis, or should he maintain his self-dignity but give up the acting career he worked so hard to build? The other emotional dilemmas aren’t really framed around a choice and seem like challenges for the characters rather than true dilemmas. With respect to Jannings’ dilemma and the dramatic question – was he actually very anti-Nazi, or was he apolitical, or did he just want to align himself with the side he thought would win the war? I’m very curious!
The outline – This flows well and I can really “see” the movie. The only beat that feels a little flimsy is #6. The other beats are particular scenes or moments, but this is one is vague – “[they] turn in stellar performances.” So does the actual act break occur after the filming of Dietrich’s song, or Jannings’ death scene? Or maybe Act 2 ends with the film wrapping, then Act 3 is about the juxtaposition of Dietrich’s rising star in Hollywood and Jannings’ fate making Nazi propaganda as the war reaches a fever pitch. (I realize that would necessitate changing the Crisis moment, too.) I think it would help to have some clarity about the real moment of the act break from 2 into 3 here.
I was interested in the timelines so I did some Googling and I saw that Blue Angel was filmed Nov 1929-Jan 1930. The Nazis really came to prominence when they won 107 seats in the German parliament on Sept 14, 1930. So I was wondering if the scene of the Nazis vandalizing the nightclub would be realistic, since this was many months before the party had any real power. It could be true to life, but even if it’s not, it’s such a powerful scene, I wouldn’t change it. This is a case where dramatic license trumps historical accuracy. But it’s really interesting stuff to see how this movie, the death of the silent films in Hollywood, and the rise of the Nazis all intersect.
Hope this helps, and let me know if you have any questions!
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Erin Danly. Reason: for clarity
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Thank you so very much, Erin. I”ll work on the matters you raise around the dilemma and point 6 in the outline.
Yes, the Nazis came to power in 1933, the 1930 incident was just an incidence of Nazi Stormtroopers demonstrating and doing violence, as they did even before they had the political power. By that time, it looked like their membership and popularity was increasing enough to predict that the days were soon to come when they realize full power. That sharpens the dilemma with Jannings figuring, this is the prevailing win, I”ll go with it. But in 1938 he campaigned for Hitler in the elections. That’s not in the story but will be referenced in dialogue at the end of the film. Jannings was yet another example of a German civilian who claims he didn’t know what was going on, but had to have known, certainly by ’38 after the Nuremburg laws, etc.
My next iteration will make these point. Thank you for your voicing these matters and the overall support you give to this project of “Moths Around a Flame” BTW, that is a line from Dietrich’s signature song, “Falling in Love again” at the beginning and end of “The Blue Angel.”
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Very interesting. Campaigning for Hitler in 1938… that definitely does not reflect well on his legacy.
No matter how many stories about or set during WW2 there are, there are still so many more to tell.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by
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Request for feedback Exchange
Jodi’s SLW Version 1
Concept: TIMELY: Texas creates bounty hunters against any woman who chooses to have an abortion. Along with the nightmare this creates for anyone trying to help a pregnant woman, this law tragically impacts family’s lives and thousands of pregnant women and children that have been failed by the system.
PLOT CHOICE: #16. Sacrifice – Belonging to a very conservative family, a forensic investigator fights the system that created the bounty hunting abortion ban but will probably lose her family ties in the process
character structure: Dramatic Triangle
Lead Characters:
Protagonist: Pamela Wells – Forensic Investigator who fights for female reproductive freedom,
Antagonist: Governor Chad Babbitt – The person who enacted the ban on abortion law SB8
Supporting: Chloe Carter – Pam’s best friend who is a Social Worker.
DRAMATIC QUESTION: Can Pam win the Governorship and overturn the TX law SB8? Will her family disown her?
MAIN CONFLICT: Pam must find a way to change the SB8 law that has boldly stripped women of their constitutional right. With deep budget cuts and many new families living below the poverty line, Pam decides that the only way she can help the women of the state is to run for the Governorship and abolish the law.
DILEMMA: Having a very conservative pro-life family Pam sees first hand the devastation the new law causes but runs the risk on being disowned by her family by choosing to challenge the conservative Governor for his position, specifically for the purpose of getting back the rights of women to have control over their own bodies; their constitutional right.
Theme: Don’t tread on me. America is not a dictatorship…yet.
Character Arc: Pam has been raised ‘family-first’ and follow every law obediently. She realizes she might have to go against both ways of life to do what is right for all women’s freedom of choice.
Part to be changed: Pam is loyal to family and is a law-abiding citizen.
Biggest fear: To be disowned by her conservative family, and Father in particular.
Completion of arc: She decides she’s better off alone and fighting for what’s right, even if unlawful.
9 beat Structure.
OPENING SCENE: A young teen finds out she is pregnant and is overwhelmed and scared.
INCITING INCIDENT: Right to Life members follow her too close on the road and accidentally cause her to car to flip over continually, killing her.
By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Pam decides the only way to fight this attack on women is from the top.
First turning point at end of Act 1: Pam teams up with women from all over the state to organize a plan to take on the Governorship.
Mid-Point: Pam’s family starts to shun her, she’s given an ultimatum to give up her endeavor or give up her family. She must choose.
Second turning point at end of Act 2: Under-funded, slandered and falsely accused, Pam feels the odds are against her and her Pastor Father will be exposed as a draft dodger if she doesn’t quit.
Crisis: Pam is torn between helping her Dad and choosing to fight for all women’s freedom of choice.
Climax: She finds out the Governor’s wife had an abortion in her younger years and uses that information to shut him down from exposing her Father.
Resolution: Pam wins the election by a landslide. Her family has accepted her and the beaten Governor takes his Daughter to a reproductive clinic while the Right to Life stalkers are lying in wait.
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Jennifer McCay – Request for feedback – SLW Version 1
CONCEPT: A Southern high school overachiever will do literally anything on her quest to beat her rival and win a prestigious award guaranteed to get her into her dream college — even commit murder.
PLOT CHOICE: 8. RIVALRY
CHARACTER STRUCTURE: Dramatic triangle (I mention 4 characters because it will take a number of characters for the story to work out, but only 3 will be main characters)
LEAD CHARACTERS:
Jessica (protagonist) is a Southern belle nightmare of a “perfect dream girl” high school senior who has always been focused on winning at any cost.
Amanda (opponent 1) is a sharp-as-a-tack fellow senior with no patience for nonsense and Jessica’s main academic rival at their Southern high school.
Ethan (opponent 2) is a nerdy math geek from a nearby high school who rivals Jessica academically and secretly has a crush on her.
Sarah Collins is a shrewd high school teacher at the students’ high school who runs the statewide scholarship competition that Jessica and the others will be competing for. She sees Jessica for who she really is.
DRAMATIC QUESTION: How far will Jessica go to win the scholarship (and at life), and will she win?
MAIN CONFLICT: Jessica, the overachiever vs. her academic rival Amanda, who is a fellow overachiever type and is also up for the scholarship. Both want to win the scholarship, and both are willing to work hard to make it happen, but the rivalry with Amanda will push Jessica harder to force the win, while Amanda will provide a moral core as she tries to keep their competitiveness on a normal level and not the extremes she ultimately realizes Jessica is willing to go to.
DILEMMA: Win and lose all her friends for life, or lose and destroy her chances of success but keep her loved ones close
OR
Win and lose her soul, or lose and no longer have her family’s approval
THEME: Does winning at all costs actually pay off?
CHARACTER ARC OF LEAD CHARACTER:
Part to be changed: Jessica wants to win, but is forever afraid to go for it, often hesitates at the last minute and comes in second
Biggest fear: Losing/not being outstanding and first, losing the conditional love of her parents
Completion of arc: Jessica goes for it and ends up doing literally everything it takes to win (and succeeds), but loses her soul in the process
PLOT IN STRUCTURE:
OPENING: Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan compete in the nationally renowned Young Philosophers Think-off, debating heatedly and showing they are not your average high school kids until the judges declare Amanda the winner, which she accepts with a smug grin. Jessica is crushed.
INCITING INCIDENT: A prestigious new scholarship competition for one lucky junior is announced, guaranteeing not just admission, but a full four-year ride to Chambers U, the Harvard of the South; the focus is on personal service/sacrifice. Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan are the clear frontrunners. How can Jessica set herself apart by looking the part of a good citizen? Ms. Collins is visibly skeptical of Jessica when she announces the scholarship to Jessica’s class.
BY PAGE 10: We know that Jessica is on a mission to win at the competition and life in general at all costs. (We just don’t know which costs that entails yet.) She has her father as an ally, and her mother expects her to win with ease no matter what.
FIRST TURNING PT AT END OF ACT 1: The first phase of the scholarship competition requires applicants to complete a service project (TBC). During Jessica’s project, she literally forces someone out of the way whom she’s technically there to help and helps eliminate one of her competitors via a technicality in an underhanded way (TBC) — just to make herself look better to the judges. Amanda does well. Ethan does OK. Ms. Collins sees through Jessica, whose mother is equally critical of seeing Jessica look like she’s trying hard. (“You never see a Southern woman sweat.”)
MIDPOINT: Semifinalists in scholarship are announced. Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan are on the short list. Jessica shows she’s willing to do whatever it takes while battling out another academic competition with Amanda and Ethan to prove her superiority but pulls back before crushing the competition. Amanda and Ethan are starting to team up to fight her despite finding each other repulsive otherwise.
SECOND TURNING PT AT END OF ACT 2: After “helping” another competitor get disqualified for the competition, Jessica realizes that just beating or eliminating her opponents isn’t actually making her look good in the eyes of the scholarship committee, especially Ms. Collins. She has to take drastic action and starts concocting a complex plan to eliminate the competition in a bigger way while looking far more decent than she technically is. Step 1: Citywide charity project TBC. Step 2: Engage Amanda and Ethan as friends in hopes it will reflect well on her. Right now Amanda and Ethan are still ahead as if the judges can smell that they’re better humans.
CRISIS: Jessica has steadily been “helping” other competitors get disqualified in funny, torturous ways that she takes secret pride in. Now all other students besides Jessica, Amanda, and Ethan have been eliminated from the competition. But the TBC charity project Jessica is leading is failing miserably. As the final days of the competition near, Jessica is more committed to winning than ever but feels it’s her darkest day because she can’t measure up to Amanda or Ethan, and Ms. Collins reprimands Jessica for unsportsmanlike behavior. Jessica’s mother hints that playing dirty sometimes helps. Jessica wracks her brain and comes up with a way that she thinks she can disqualify Ethan, though she knows she might not have the nerve to follow through. But that will still leave Amanda.
CLIMAX: Jessica is on a mission to win now at all costs. First task: eliminate Ethan. But Ethan is on to her now, and he realizes what Jessica is willing to do and tries to warn Amanda. Jessica catches on and finds a way to act — not hesitate in the moment — and truly eliminate Ethan forever, killing him before he can get to Amanda in a way she won’t get caught. She then has an argument with Amanda at a park, where Amanda loses her balance and slips off the side of the cliff. Jessica could help her in the moment but lets Amanda fall.
RESOLUTION: Jessica attends both rivals’ funerals with her mother and says cryptic things revealing her role in their deaths that no one recognizes. Jessica wins the competition and rules the school. Jessica gives a speech talking about all the service and sacrifice it took to get where she is and how taking action is critical to success. “Always be the best, and forget about the rest.” Ms. Collins approaches Jessica to congratulate her on her win/speech but whispers that Jessica will always know she didn’t have a fighting chance without the death of the other two (Jessica’s response TBC). We notice another younger student, a sophomore with a gleam in her eye, who’s been there all along looking on and wanting to follow in Jessica’s footsteps. Jessica walks away arm in arm with her mother.
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Hi Jennifer,
I’d like to exchange SLW feedback with you. Mine is right above yours so we’re bringing up the rear on the SLW assignment. Let me know if you’d like to exchange feedback.
Jodi Harrison
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Jodi, I’m just now seeing this (turning on notifications now!). I would be happy to exchange feedback with you. It will take me until sometime this weekend, but I’ll get back to you ASAP.
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I’m very sorry Jennifer that this took so long. I’ve been on vacation for the last week and just got back today. I tried to post this during my vacation with my laptop but for some reason something wasn’t recognizing my membership on SU and it wouldn’t let me log in. Very strange! Anyway, I reached out to SU’s support team but never heard back from them about this issue. I just got home today, and now I’m able to send it from my desktop (which I’ve always used so far for this class, accept for this last week).
…onward.
I really enjoyed your outline, this is going to be a very interesting story, and I’d love to read your finished script when all of our scripts are fully developed. I have many questions below as an audience member taking a ride and being invested in your story. I know this is the bare-bones stage and not a fleshed out version.
So, here are my comments and questions:
Is this a dark comedy? It reads like it could be funny and diabolical in many ways.
Great plot choice of Rivalry for your interesting story, and I like your lead characters.
Does Jessica eventually learn from Amanda about having a moral core?, as is in your main conflict.
Your dilemma is nice and strong, it’s literally life or death, love or loss (of soul and family).
Your theme and character arc strongly supports your structure and necessary questions.
I love the ‘young philosophers think-off’, that’ll be some intriguing dialogue.
It is so sad knowing the information you shared in ‘by page 10’. At this point in your story my emotional ride and questions are invested in: My heart goes out to Jessica learning the pressure of having to be perfect in her parent’s eyes. Does the Mother grow and come to accept Jessica as being human at some point? or does she continually expect perfection throughout?
That’s funny “a southern woman never sweats’. I’ve ‘always’ said: “Women don’t sweat, we glisten” (it usually gets a chuckle). I’m interested in seeing how Jessica underhandedly gets rid of her competition.
In Ethan’s description you mention his crush on Jessica, what is one or two of Jessica’s redeeming qualities that is attractive to Ethan? At what point do we see his crush?
Why did Jessica pull back from crushing the competition at the mid-point?
Your second turning point is starting to heat up the story. I like it! Poor clueless Jessica, she’s becoming so diabolical.
I like your resolution.
Which leads me to questions:
Did she let her Mother in on her choices and actions?
Did her Mother prompt her towards these choices and actions?
Did Ms. Collins know Jessica’s actions by deducing or process of elimination?
If she did know, does she indicate that she knows, therefore we audience members can imagine what will now happen to Ms. Collins?
With this sentence you wrote: “We notice another younger student, a sophomore with a gleam in her eye, who’s been there all along looking on and wanting to follow in Jessica’s footsteps”
Does the young sophomore know what Jessica did? (is there a point that the audience sees the sophomore watching Jessica’s actions?)
Does she threaten Jessica secretly before her speech via note or otherwise (is Jessica rattled at all giving her speech?)
Does the young sophomore do something that indicates her desire to be like Jessica?
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Here’s my request for a partner in the essence outline exchange.
Budinscak 10th Pass – Essence Only
What I learned doing this assignment:
o I found it tougher identifying the emotional aspects of a scene as opposed to the scene’s main action.
o When I include all my scenes, it easily exceeds the requested 4-6 page essence outline.
o I hope my critique partner doesn’t mind a little extra reading.
Logline:
In 1986, a shady uncle teaches his two stowaway nephews about life and family on a cross-country trip he’s agreed to make to save his family’s restaurant from destruction.
Dramatic Question:
Will Jack be able to save the family’s restaurant by delivering the package on time?
Main Conflict:
How does Jack combat two inquisitive, sneaky kids or will the boys simply wear their uncle down?
Dilemma:
Will Jack take on responsibility and be accountable for his nephews OR will he ditch them so he can have the fun he planned and maybe be a little late delivering the package.
Theme:
You don’t have to be related to be family. Those who show up when you need them, that’s family.
Outline:
FADE IN:
SUPER: 1986
EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Carmine’s, a restaurant, sits on one end of a large parking lot with a funeral home on the opposite side.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
DINING ROOM
A large wall is covered with pictures from family events held at the restaurant over the years. An extended family dines and chats on a ‘speaker phone’ with two out-of-town sisters.
KITCHEN
TOM, Jack’s brother-in-law drags two boys, PUCK and SAL, to the kitchen where Jack is cooking. Jack can’t hide his natural flair in the kitchen or his contempt for the two boys.
Radio news report on big trial coming up.
EXT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
Jack watches MEN struggle to remove a wildly jerking body bag from a hearse. Jack turns, steps on a cat’s tail – it screams and the men look over.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
The family bonds over food and drink. They discuss getting everyone together for a family celebration – a RE-union.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – NIGHT
After hours, a limo carrying a local crime boss drives to an open garage bay at the funeral home.
The men from the hearse approach Don Vito and point to Carmine’s. Everyone looks in the direction of the restaurant.
Inciting Incident:
INT. FUNERAL HOME GARAGE – DAY
Don Vito watches two large lackeys flank Jack as they cross the parking lot. An underling asks if he’s going to intimidate Jack, the Don answers no, he’s going to ask Jack for a favor instead.
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
The Don’s favor – personally deliver a package for me so I don’t have to burn your restaurant to the ground.
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
Jack’s two sisters (Puck and Sal’s mothers) call to confirm that Jack will pick them up at JFK on Tuesday morning – absolutely.
By page 10, you know what the movie is about:
To protect his family’s restaurant, Jack agrees to make a long trip to deliver a package for Don Vito, unaware his two young nephews, Puck and Sal, will tag along.
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
In the casket display room, Sal tricks Puck into getting in an open casket, then Sal shuts the lid – Puck goes bonkers.
INT. FUNERAL HOME GARAGE – DAY
A large cooler is installed in the trunk of Jack’s Caddy. A thermal blanket is tossed in the back seat and covers the floor.
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
DINING ROOM
Puck is flustered when he spots, Traci (a twin, her sister, Laci) a girl in his class. Sal can’t believe Puck’s in love.
OFFICE
To help his sister who volunteered to watch Puck and Sal while their mothers are out of town, Jack drugs the boys to keep them in line.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack adjusts his walkman before he takes off from the funeral home garage. Jack never realizes the drugged and now passed out Puck and Sal are asleep under the blanket on the back floor.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
A MAN wearing a dark suit, thin tie and sunglasses asks for Jack. Cat, Jack’s sister, refuses to give him any info – the man turns and leaves.
PUCK VO, “That guy’s FBI.” CAT VO, “FBI?!”
SUPER: TODAY
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY – PRESENT TIME
Puck and Cat, his aunt, point to a picture on the wall and discuss the Atlantic City trip and why the picture has a Lincoln Continental and NOT Jack’s Cadillac.
SUPER: 1986
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
A montage of shots of Jack’s trip to Terre Haute, IN.
First turning point as end of Act 1:
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack wakes up in his car in Terra Haute (IN) and the two boys pop up in the back seat.
EXT. PICNIC GROUNDS – DAY
Jack meets one of his partners-in-crime, Lincoln Clogs, LC, – and Lincoln’s men – in Terra Haute.
EXT. PICNIC GROUNDS – DAY
Puck, Sal, DOC & RICO (LC’s men) race go-carts and go to the shooting gallery. Puck doesn’t know how to hold a gun, Sal makes fun of him.
INT. CALL CENTER – DAY
LC gives Jack a tour of “their” psychic network call center and meets the staff.
INT. OFFICE – DAY
Jack laments about finding his two incorrigible nephews in the car and tries to pawn them off on LC – LC says NFW to the request.
Jack calls in a progress report to Don Vito.
INT. OFFICE – DAY
LC reflects on the tour of the call center with Jack and the boys. He can’t find his handheld tape recorder.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack drives past the bus station – slowly – and the boys ask if he’s looking for someone.
EXT. BUS STATION – DAY
The Caddy picks up speed and is gone.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack immediately gets a premonition how poorly this trip will be – he’s pulled over by a state trooper, but smooth talks his way out of trouble.
EXT. DINER PARKING LOT – DAY
They stop by the Platinum Restaurant outside of St Louis, but never go in. Near an idling box truck, a man talks on a payphone in the restaurant parking lot.
INT. TRUCK – DAY
Jack and the boys pick up a tail – a box truck follows. The truck’s driver has Love and Hate tattooed on his knuckles.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
A game of punch-buggy goes horribly wrong and the boys come to blows in the back seat. Jack ties each boy up with rope and secures them to their ‘own side’ to keep them separated.
EXT. REST AREA – NIGHT
Jack buys snacks for the boys and ice for the cooler. Jack mixes a cocktail for the boys – he drugs them.
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
The nephews sleep, Jack drives like a madman. He thinks he’s being tailed and pulls into the House of Jimmy Truck Stop in Oklahoma.
Mid-point:
INT. TRUCK STOP BATHROOM – NIGHT
Jack averts a crisis when he beats a trucker who had Puck trapped in a bathroom stall.
INT. TRUCK STOP DINING ROOM – NIGHT
The boys have never seen this side of their uncle – and never want to. When Sal makes a snide comment about their waitress, Jack’s eyes narrow and the boys flinch noticeably.
WAITRESS STATION
The waitress smiles warmly when she recalls Jack, Puck and Sal, and she brags about her special tip. (The statue of liberty thermometer is her special tip and it’s revealed later).
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
The boys reveal they’re terrified of their uncle, and Jack contemplates how to best use this new information to his advantage. He practices divide and conquer.
INT. CADILLAC – LATER
Jack mixes up a concoction to put one nephew to sleep. Now which one?
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
Jack teaches Sal one of his favorite recipes while letting the kid drive the Caddy. Great times for Sal.
EXT. TRAVEL LODGE PARKING LOT – NIGHT
At a Travel Lodge, Jack fills the cooler with ice and looks around before going to his room.
A van slows by the hotel entrance and parks on the street facing the hotel.
INT. VAN – NIGHT
A hooded figure slouches in the driver’s seat. Hate tattooed on the knuckles of his right hand, the one cradling a gun.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack drugs Sal, Sal sleeps, Jack bonds with Puck. Puck learns about family and has a blast steering the Caddy.
EXT. HIGHWAY – NIGHT
The Caddy cruises down the highway and the nighttime view and lights of the Las Vegas strip comes in focus. Jack’s enthusiasm carries over to the boys.
EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT
No hotel tonight. The Cadillac pulls into a large parking lot and parks in a back corner facing the front.
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
Jack and the boys sleep. A truck pulls in and parks far enough away not to be noticed.
INT. TRUCK – NIGHT
Love and Hate decorate the driver’s knuckles.
EXT. HOTEL ENTRANCE – DAY
Jack’s dirty Cadillac slides up next to its doppelganger, only this one is perfectly clean and filled with a mean old couple.
INT. HOTEL LOBBY – DAY
Jack checks in as the kids take in the sights of the ornate lobby.
Jack spots a boys clothing store and looks at his scruffy nephews. He drags them to the store.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY
Jack buys the boys ‘outfits’ for the day. The boys emulate their uncle getting ready – dressing just like him.
INT. HOTEL CASINO – DAY
Ready for action, Jack and the nephews take one step in the casino and are tossed. Someone recommends Circus Circus where kids can play, too.
Second turning point at the end of Act 2:
INT. CIRCUS CIRCUS – DAY
Jack loses all his money in the casino while the boys thrive playing their games.
INT. SHUTTLE – NIGHT
Jack is pissed as the boys show off their winnings.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
Jack learns the boys have never seen a naked woman and orders an escort. The boys hide in the closet as the escort drops her dress – there’s a knock at the door.
The FBI barges in and the woman flees. Jack’s shaken down by the FBI and forced to be their informant.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – LATER
Jack scheduled a date with an old flame, but she gave him a lot of grief for ‘babysitting’ and wanted no part of it, she cancels.
Jack does a shot of tequila from one of the shot glasses the boys won at Circus Circus. He fills up the other two glasses and salutes his nephews’ first shots of liquor.
EXT. HOTEL PARKING LOT – DAY
Puck and Sal transfer license plates from the doppleganger Caddy. Jack searches for ice for the cooler – he can only find dry ice.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY
Jack calls Don Vito and tells him he may be a little late for the delivery. Don Vito tells Jack lightning will strike Jack’s family’s restaurant, Carmine’s, at 2:01 Monday if he’s not there in time.
EXT. HOTEL PARKING LOT – DAY
The FBI takes off after the wrong Cadillac.
Jack, Sal and Puck wave to the Parking Attendant as they sneak out of the parking lot.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Hands featuring Love and Hate grip the steering wheel. The tow truck follows Jack’s Cadillac.
EXT. PLAINS – DAY
Cowboys ride galloping stallions on the plains next to the road. The boys ask if they can ride horses, just like their favorite actor, Clint Eastwood – a loud NO is the answer.
INT. CADIALLAC TRUNK – DAY
A small leak in the cooler allows carbon monoxide top enter the Cadillac’s interior. Puck and Sal drop off to sleep first, then Jack.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
The FBI overtake the wrong Cadillac. The FBI spots a helicopter idling in an adjacent field, they claim command of the copter and force the pilot to take off.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Through the windshield, the driver watches Jack’s Cadillac veer off the road. It bounces wildly riding half on asphalt, half on the shoulder of the road.
EXT. PLAINS – DAYS
In a dream sequence, Sal and Puck ride galloping stallions.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack and the boys are completely asleep. Through the front window – a major dip in the road, bridge, bad accident about to happen.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
The flatbed tow truck bounces into the Caddy, then cuts in front stopping the car from plunging down the hillside/terrain/riverbank – whatever and a serious accident.
INT. CADILLAC – LATER
Jack wakes to find the tow truck driver pulling him from the Caddy. Jack and the Driver pull the unconscious boys from the Cadillac. Puck clutches his backpack.
EXT. SIDE OF HIGHWAY – DAY
Crisis:
Jack pleads to God to save Puck and Sal and in return, he pledges to turn his life around. As soon as he finishes, Sal moves – Jack immediately recants, but stops.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Jack’s dented Cadillac sits on the flatbed covered with a tarp when they take off. While Puck is still unconscious, Jack goes through Puck’s backpack and pulls out a number of items including a tape recorder from LC. Jack turns the tape recorder on and hears the FBI talking.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
The FBI manned helicopter flies overhead looking for Jack’s Caddy. They don’t realize the car is covered on the tow truck.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Puck wakens, spots the Driver and screams. Uncle Jack calms him down and Sal tells Puck that Driver saved their lives.
EXT. LOS ANGELES – DAY
The tow truck cruises by famous LA landmarks while the boys hang out the windows taking in the views.
Montage of shots for the landmarks – Hollywood sign, Hippies and disco queens alike, tricked out cars from 60s-70s, Whiskey a Go Go, Bob’s Big Boy
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Jack directs Driver to the address – the Don’s other brother’s funeral home. Asked how he knows, Jack confesses to driving a Yellow Taxi Cab in LA back in the day.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME PARKING LOT – DAY
Climax:
Jack gathers the package from the cooler and hands it to one of the Don’s men, who carries it inside.
The flatbed tow truck leaves with the Caddy on it.
INT. FUNERAL HOME LOBBY – DAY
A couple of MEN roam around. Don Vito directs a MAN to take the kids away as he ushers Jack in another room.
CASKET DISPLAY ROOM
Puck bets Sal pulled the big man can’t fit in the casket. The man hands over his gun and gets in the casket – he fits, and is locked inside.
ARRANGEMENT ROOM
Don Vito confronts Jack about the body bag at the funeral home, Jack claims ignorance as convincing as ever.
Sal walks in and gets everyone’s attention.
CLICK – from the other side of the room, Puck pulls back the hammer on the revolver he’s aiming at Don Vito.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
The FBI’s car speeds into the parking lot before it slides to a halt. Two men jump out and run to the front door.
INT. FUNERAL HOME ARRANGEMENT ROOM – DAY
FBI bust in and confront Don Vito, he screwed them over. Lots of yelling ensues.
Driver quietly walks in and pumps a round into his shotgun. Everything and everyone falls silent.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
The helicopter the FBI commandeered leads the LAPD into the fray. Police swarm the grounds.
Out the back door, Driver leads Jack, Puck and Sal to the tow truck. They hop in and take off.
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
LAPD filters through the offices and rooms, no one is around.
CASKET DISPLAY ROOM
Police hear muffled yells from all the closed caskets. LAPD finds everyone they’re looking for locked in caskets.
On top of the FBI caskets, a cassette tape with a message, “Jack says play us.” It’s the FBI’s confession in Las Vegas.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
From the helicopter’s view and the pilot’s narration, we watch LAPD lead numerous handcuffed people to cars. Prominent in the view are the FBI and Don Vito.
Resolution:
EXT. LAX – DAY
Jack and the boys say their goodbyes to Driver. What about the Caddy? It’s yours now, we gotta go.
MONTAGE OF SHOTS
The disheveled trio runs through the airport to their gate, Jet leaves LAX, Jet lands at JFK, Jack and the boys sleep on a bench near a gate.
INT. JFK GATE – DAY
Jack’s sisters (Puck and Sal’s mothers) spot the three amigos sleeping – they wake them.
INT. LINCOLN CONTINENTAL – DAY
The mothers ask Jack why they’re in a Lincoln and not his Caddy, before he can answer, Puck jumps in.
The mothers notice a change in their boys, they ask Jack and he weaves a tale. The boys vouch for their uncle’s story and add a few nougats of their own.
EXT. CARMINE’S PARKING LOT – DAY
A picture is taken of Jack, Puck and Sal next to the Lincoln Continental.
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
The picture is posted on the wall of pictures in the restaurant.
SUPER: TODAY
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
Present day Puck talks with CAT, one of his aunts, about that picture and finishes the true story of the Atlantic City trip.
The idea is to give the illusion everyone is gathered for a somber event, when it’s actually the 30+ year of the family RE-union.
In comes Jack with Puck and Sal’s wives – the twins, Traci and Laci, from the opening scene. Everyone cheers.
EXT. CARMINE’S PARKING LOT – NIGHT
First thing you notice, the funeral home is now “Jack’s Place”.
Everyone in the movie is there having fun. All the aunts and uncles, LC and his group are there, customers are there. Jules performs his Vegas act on a stage.
Everyone’s in party mode. Jack, Puck and Sal toast everyone with a shot of Tequila – just like Vegas. Everyone does a shot.
Someone comments about the helluva mess – I got it says Jack.
Driver shows up with Jack’s Cadillac fully restored.
Driver presents Jack with his keys, Jack shouts, “Who wants to go for a ride?” Puck and Sal’s kids, knockoffs of the fathers at the same age, run up waving their hands. Jack deadpans to the camera
EXT. CARMINE’S PARKING LOT – NIGHT
A cleaning truck pulls up, two MEN get out. It’s the two disgraced FBI guys and they’re there to pick up the trash/clean up a mess.
FADE OUT:
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REQUEST FOR FEEDBACK EXCHANGE
Amy’s Outline Version 1
Concept- A local news anchor’s DNA is altered when she travels through time. When she gets back one year into the future, she must decide between her career and her family and also compete with the woman who is now engaged to her husband.
Plot choice: Sacrifice
Character Structure: Romantic triangle
Lead Characters: Andrea-a famous news anchor who has neglected her family, Josh-Andrea’s husband, Meagan-an ex-girlfriend of Josh who becomes involved with him after Andrea disappears
Dramatic Question -: Will Andrea step back from her career to win Josh and her kids back from Meagan?
Main Conflict- Andrea desperately wants her career as a news anchor back, but she also wants her family back and they’ve had it with her working so much and never being home.
Dilemma- Andrea can keep her career and lose her family, or step back from her career and keep her family.
Theme- Realizing what’s most important in life.
Character arc of lead character:
Structure:
Opening: Andrea lives an exciting life as the local news anchor. She works too much and never sees her family.
Inciting incident: Andrea interviews a science professor at a local college about the university’s new supercollider and “accidentally” gets sent back in time. She arrives in the past, not the beautiful news anchor, but ugly.
Page 10: Andrea arrives back looking more like herself, only more beautiful.
End of Act 1: Andrea realizes a year has passed. Everyone assumed she was dead and her husband, Josh has gotten together with a girlfriend from his past, Meagan. Also, she is no longer the anchor of the news program.
Mid-point: Andrea realizes that Meagan was responsible for her traveling back in time.
End of Act 2-Andrea tries to send Meagan back in time but fails.
Crisis-Although Andrea has succeeded in getting to Josh to fall in love with her again, he confesses that he and the kids are happier with Meagan than they were with her and rejects her.
Climax: Andrea plans to go to her daughter’s dance recital, but a fire starts at the science lab and her boss wants her to cover it. She goes to the science lab where the professor tells them that he saw Meagan slip out the back just as he was arriving. Andrea shows up to her daughter’s dance recital with the police take Meagan to the police station for questioning. Andrea signs off and says she’s going to watch her daughter’s dance recital. Her boss calls and fires her.
Resolution: Andrea is reunited with Josh and her kids.
Essence outline:
INT. – STUDIO – NIGHT
Andrea interviews her husband, Josh, a detective, about the murder that happened in the town. It becomes apparent that they have an issue with one of them, Andrea, being a neglectful parent.
INT. – UNIVERSITY SCIENCE LAB – DAY
Meagan, a wealthy widow attends the dedication ceremony for the science lab which has just been named after her and bonds with the top scientist in charge of building a supercollider.
INT. –NEWSROOM – NIGHT
Breaking news happens. Andrea calls home to let her family know that once again, she will not be home for dinner.
INT. – KITCHEN – NIGHT
Josh helps the kids with their homework. They complain about their mom not being there.
EXT. – BASEBALL FIELD – NIGHT
At Andrea’s son, Benjamin’s baseball game, Meagan cozies up to Josh and lets him know she’s single.
INT. – NEWSROOM – DAY
Andrea discusses with her boss the exciting new development at the local university, the completion of a supercollider. Her boss assigns her the story.
EXT. – POOL – DAY
Andrea’s daughter has a swim meet. It’s her time to swim, but she cries because her mother isn’t there. She has to be coaxed into the pool by her dad.
INT. –UNVERSITY SCIENCE LAB – DAY
Andrea interviews the professor (with Meagan there) who demonstrates for her how the supercollider works. Meagan “accidentally” bumps Andrea into the machine and she disappears.
INT – UNIVERSITY SCIENCE LAB – DAY
Andrea appears out of the machine, but she doesn’t look like herself. She notices she’s a different height and her hands look different. She runs out of the lab.
INT. –UNVERSITY LAB – BATHROOM – DAY
Andrea looks at herself in the mirror and is horrified.
INT. – NEWSROOM – DAY
Andrea tries to prepare for the night’s newscast, but no one will talk to her about it because they don’t recognize her. Meanwhile, everyone is looking for her and panicking.
INT. – STUDIO – NIGHT
Andrea sits at her place behind the news desk. The producer threatens to call security if she doesn’t leave. Everyone is still in a panic looking for her especially now that the newscast is about to air.
EXT./INT. – ANDREA’S HOME – NIGHT
Andrea shows up at her house and lets herself in scaring her family to death since they don’t recognize her. Josh calls the police and Andrea gets arrested.
INT – JOSH’S OFFICE – DAY
Andrea goes to Josh’s office, but he won’t see her. Meagan arrives as well and he takes her up to his office.
INT. – SCIENCE LAB – DAY
Andrea convinces the professor to turn on the machine and she gets sucked in again, on purpose this time.
INT. – BATHROOM – DAY
Andrea looks at herself in the mirror and is pleased that she looks more like herself now but perplexed that she’s even more beautiful than before.
INT – ANDREA’S HOME – DAY
Andrea drives to her home, but her key doesn’t work, so she rings the bell. Josh comes to the door and nearly faints at the sight of her.
INT. – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
The kids see Andrea and are both relieved to see her but also confused about the way she looks. She tells them about getting sucked into the supercollider and traveling through time.
INT. – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Meagan shows up wearing an engagement ring. Andrea learns that she’s been missing for a year.
INT. – SCIENCE LAB – DAY
Andrea tries to get the professor to send her back to the present, but he doesn’t really understand how the machine and time travel work.
INT. – NEWSROOM –DAY
Andrea convinces the TV station to take her back as a reporter.
INT. –SCHOOL HALLWAY –DAY
Chloe is practicing for her school play when a prop falls on her. The popular girl who is the lead starts laughing at her inciting everyone else to laugh at her.
EXT. –BASEBALL FIELD – DAY
At Benjamin’s game, the pitcher dislocates his shoulder. Benjamin asks the coach if he can pitch, but he says no.
EXT. – GROCERY STORE – DAY
Andrea’s daughter’s swim team is having a bake sale. Andrea threw something together late last night after work. Her daughter is embarrassed by the cookies. Meagan’s cookies are a hit.
INT. – STREET – DAY
Andrea and Josh attend the town’s food festival and start getting reacquainted. Things are going great until Megan finds them and pulls Josh away on some “emergency.”
EXT. – STREET – DAY
Andrea calls her daughter and tells her she’s on the way to her school play, but then discovers that she has a flat tire.
INT. – AUDITORIUM – NIGHT
Andrea arrives at the school after the play is over upsetting Chloe. Andrea asks Josh to take her back, but he admits that things weren’t that great when she was around.
INT. – NEWSROOM – DAY
Andrea looks at footage from the rededication of the science lab a year ago and sees Meagan talking to the professor.
INT. –CLASSROOM – DAY
The professor confesses to Andrea that he told Meagan that time travel was possible with the supercollider.
INT. – ANDREA’S HOME – NIGHT
Chloe confides in Andrea about her bully. Andrea gives her advice that’s not really helpful.
EXT. – BASEBALL FIELD – NIGHT
Andrea confronts Meagan in front of everyone about her sending her back in time. Josh doesn’t believe Andrea and gets mad at her.
EXT. –BASEBALL FIELD – LATER
Benjamin gets a chance to pitch, but walks every hitter.
INT. – SCIENCE LAB – NIGHT
Andrea tries unsuccessfully to push Meagan into the supercollider and send her to a different time
INT. – NEWSROOM – DAY
Josh admits to falling in love with Andrea again but announces that he’s going ahead with his marriage to Meagan because life is better with her.
INT. – STUDIO – NIGHT
Andrea’s boss threatens to fire her if she leaves to go see her daughter’s dance recital instead of covering the fire at the science lab.
INT. – SCIENCE LAB – NIGHT
Andrea shows up just as the paramedics are wheeling the professor out with cameras rolling. The professor says that he saw Meagan slip out the back just before the fire started.
INT. –AUDITORIUM – BACKSTAGE – NIGHT
Chloe tells Josh and Meagan that she’s giving up on her mother, that she must not love her. The popular girl who made everyone laugh at her during the play overhears this and taunts her.
INT. – AUDITORIUM – NIGHT
Andrea shows up with her cameras and the police. They detain Meagan for questioning.
INT. – AUDITORIUM – BACKSTAGE – NIGHT
Josh realizes Andrea was right about Meagan. Andrea overhears Chloe’s bully and has choice words for her.
INT. – AUDITORIUM – LATER
The performance is done. Chloe runs off the stage to her mom and dad and brother. Andrea’s boss calls and fires her. She says that’s okay because her family is more important. Suddenly…
INT. –SCIENCE LAB – DAY
Andrea is back at the science lab. She looks like herself again. She runs out of the lab.
INT- ANDREA’S HOME – NIGHT
Andrea runs through the house calling to her family afraid that everything that just happened has been erased, but to her surprise, it hasn’t. The present and future have merged. Andrea’s family is reunited.
EXT. – BASEBALL FIELD – NIGHT
Benjamin gets to pitch and strikes the hitter out. He looks back at his mom, beaming. Andrea and Josh kiss.
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Hi Amy, great job, I can really see how this has developed since your SLW. Here are thoughts I had while reading your outline. I know that some of the following points may just not have made it into the brief outline, and that you may have already addressed them (in your head or on paper), so take it with a grain of salt, but I’m putting it all down anyway just in case!
Why would Meagan be at a kids’ baseball game, does she have a child herself or is it just to mack on Josh?
Andrea calls Josh to tell him she’ll be working late, and then the next scene with her is again in the Newsroom the next day. Did she stay over all night? If not, it could be good to have a brief scene that shows her coming home after everyone is asleep to show that she’s really missing family life – did her husband leave dinner leftovers for her, does she slip into bed with him or just crash on the couch, etc.?
Josh is a detective so presumably he’s extremely busy with work, too. Is the daughter’s swim meet on a weekend, and Andrea is working on a weekend? Otherwise I’m wondering how Josh has time for it. Detectives work long and odd hours, too.
The University Science Lab scene where Meagan bumps Andrea into the machine “accidentally” and makes her disappear feels abrupt since this is the first time we’ve seen them together. Is there a way they could interact before, so we could already see some of the conflict between them? (And it’s not clear from the outline, does Meagan work in the lab? Wondering why she happens to be there.)
What’s the purpose of Andrea looking different when she first comes out of the machine? It doesn’t tie to the theme directly and it’s not much of an impediment, since she just goes back to the machine and becomes herself again (after weirding out everyone at home and at work first). I wonder if this whole section could be cut and she just comes out of the machine and wonders where everyone in the lab has gone and then is shocked to have to deal with the discovery that an entire year has passed. (Especially if the scientist doesn’t really know how the time travel aspect works – would she really trust the machine not to screw up again?)
When Andrea returns and a year has lapsed, presumably there’s been a search for her, and likely a missing persons filed with the police – does she have to explain to them where she was, and does she try to tell the truth or just make something up? Does her family believe her about the time travel or not?
Does she get her same position back as a reporter or does she have to start lower? Presumably someone else filled her spot while she was gone – does she have to compete with this person as well to try to get her old position back? Competition with this person could mirror and parallel her competition with Meagan.
I don’t understand the second to last scene – “the present and future have merged” – so are we in Year or Year + 1?
One thing that came to mind is that what if Meagan, instead of being an ex-girlfriend of Josh, was a student at the university (working in the lab) as well as their part-time nanny? The kids would be bonded with her more, she’d already be doing many of the “motherly” duties like bathtime and baking that Andrea doesn’t have time for, there could be a pre-existing rivalry between the two women, etc. And it’s not uncommon for men to fall for the nanny. I don’t want to overstep with this suggestion but thought I’d throw it out there since it could add some layers.
I really like what’s here and the theme of work vs family and what’s most important in life is rich to explore. Hope some of these helped and please ignore the ones that don’t!
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Requesting Feedback on Essence Outline
Budinscak – Get to the Essence
a. Concept:
In 1986, a shady uncle teaches his two stowaway nephews about life and family on a cross-country trip he’s agreed to make to deliver a package for a local crime boss, and in exchange the crime boss promises to not burn the family restaurant to the ground.
b. Plot Choice:
Adventure. This is a road trip.
c. Character Structure
Buddy movie
d. Lead Characters
My protagonist is Jack, he’s the uncle of the two nephews and the person who is responsible for delivering a package.
My antagonist1 is Puck, a nephew who is book smart, clingy and honest to a fault who challenges Jack every turn.
My antagonist2 is Sal, a nephew who is street smart, a wiseass and he’s sneaky. He’s a little too like Jack for Jack to trust.
Antagonist is defined as the one who changes the protagonist from his current state and not the person who prevents him from achieving his goal.
Supporting Character – Don Vito who is a local crime boss who sends Jack on his journey. Antagonist in the sense of preventing Jack from accomplishing his goal, but Don Vito is not a main character.
e. Dramatic Question:
Will Jack be able to save the family’s restaurant by delivering the package on time?
f. Main Conflict:
How does Jack combat two inquisitive, sneaky kids or will the boys simply wear their uncle down?
g. Dilemma:
Will Jack take on responsibility and be accountable for his nephews OR will he ditch them so he can have the fun he planned and maybe be a little late delivering the package.
h. Theme:
You don’t have to be related to be family. Those who show up when you need them, that’s family.
i: Character Arc of Lead Character:
Jack is completely self-centered, me first me only a-hole type of a guy who completely dislikes his two nephews. He evolves to a caring uncle who places the needs of his nephew above his own.
What he wants: absolutely no accountability to anyone.
What he needs: to take care of those around him, specifically his nephews.
Old trait: self centered, me first a-hole
Changed to: caring and protective uncle.
j. Structure of your screenplay (9 beats one sentence each)
Opening: while an extended family dines in their restaurant, a brother (Jack) is outside watching men struggle as the body bag they’re removing from a hearse jerks around violently.
Inciting Incident: Jack is presented with two options: personally deliver a package for a local crime boss or allow the family restaurant to be burned to the ground.
By page 10 you know what the movie is about: Jack agrees to make the long journey to save the family’s restaurant, but he’s unaware his two nephews will tag along for the trip.
First turning point at the end of Act 1: Jack wakes up in his Cadillac in Terre Haute and the two boys pop up in the backseat.
Mid-point: Jack averts a crisis in an Oklahoma truck stop when he beats a trucker how had Puck trapped in a bathroom stall. The boys have never seen this side of their uncle and never want to again.
Second turning point at the end of Act 2: In Las Vegas, Jack loses all his money, is turned down by an old girlfriend he contacted and is shaken down by the FBI.
Crisis: When his nephews’ lives are in peril from carbon monoxide poisoning, Jack promises God he’ll change his ways – and tries to recant immediately when one of his nephews moves.
Climax: Jack delivers the package on time to the funeral home, but is separated from the boys. The boys trick their captor and come back to save their uncle – and Jack saves the day.
Resolution:
Jack and the boys take a red-eye to the east coast, pick up their mothers at JFK and Jack explains the difference in his two nephews to their very wary mothers.
Outline:
FADE IN:
SUPER: 1986
EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Carmine’s, a restaurant, sits on one end of a large parking lot with a funeral home on the opposite side.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
DINING ROOM
A large wall is covered with pictures from family events held at the restaurant over the years. An extended family dines and chats on a ‘speaker phone’ with two out-of-town sisters.
KITCHEN
TOM, Jack’s brother-in-law drags two boys, PUCK and SAL, to the kitchen where Jack is cooking. Jack can’t hide his natural flair in the kitchen or his contempt for the two boys.
Radio news report on big trial coming up.
EXT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
Jack watches MEN struggle to remove a wildly jerking body bag from a hearse. Jack turns, steps on a cat’s tail – it screams and the men look over.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
The family bonds over food and drink. They discuss getting everyone together for a family celebration – a RE-union.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – NIGHT
After hours, a limo carrying a local crime boss drives to an open garage bay at the funeral home.
The men from the hearse approach Don Vito and point to Carmine’s. Everyone looks in the direction of the restaurant.
Inciting Incident:
INT. FUNERAL HOME GARAGE – DAY
Don Vito watches two large lackeys flank Jack as they cross the parking lot. An underling asks if he’s going to intimidate Jack, the Don answers no, he’s going to ask Jack for a favor instead.
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
The Don’s favor – personally deliver a package for me so I don’t have to burn your restaurant to the ground.
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
Jack’s two sisters (Puck and Sal’s mothers) call to confirm that Jack will pick them up at JFK on Tuesday morning – absolutely.
By page 10, you know what the movie is about:
To protect his family’s restaurant, Jack agrees to make a long trip to deliver a package for Don Vito, unaware his two young nephews, Puck and Sal, will tag along.
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
In the casket display room, Sal tricks Puck into getting in an open casket, then Sal shuts the lid – Puck goes bonkers.
INT. FUNERAL HOME GARAGE – DAY
A large cooler is installed in the trunk of Jack’s Caddy. A thermal blanket is tossed in the back seat and covers the floor.
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
DINING ROOM
Puck is flustered when he spots, Traci (a twin, her sister, Laci) a girl in his class. Sal can’t believe Puck’s in love.
OFFICE
To help his sister who volunteered to watch Puck and Sal while their mothers are out of town, Jack drugs the boys to keep them in line.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack adjusts his walkman before he takes off from the funeral home garage. Jack never realizes the drugged and now passed out Puck and Sal are asleep under the blanket on the back floor.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
A MAN wearing a dark suit, thin tie and sunglasses asks for Jack. Cat, Jack’s sister, refuses to give him any info – the man turns and leaves.
PUCK VO, “That guy’s FBI.” CAT VO, “FBI?!”
SUPER: TODAY
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY – PRESENT TIME
Puck and Cat, his aunt, point to a picture on the wall and discuss the Atlantic City trip and why the picture has a Lincoln Continental and NOT Jack’s Cadillac.
SUPER: 1986
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
A montage of shots of Jack’s trip to Terre Haute, IN.
First turning point as end of Act 1:
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack wakes up in his car in Terra Haute (IN) and the two boys pop up in the back seat.
EXT. PICNIC GROUNDS – DAY
Jack meets one of his partners-in-crime, Lincoln Clogs, LC, – and Lincoln’s men – in Terra Haute.
EXT. PICNIC GROUNDS – DAY
Puck, Sal, DOC & RICO (LC’s men) race go-carts and go to the shooting gallery. Puck doesn’t know how to hold a gun, Sal makes fun of him.
INT. CALL CENTER – DAY
LC gives Jack a tour of “their” psychic network call center and meets the staff.
INT. OFFICE – DAY
Jack laments about finding his two incorrigible nephews in the car and tries to pawn them off on LC – LC says NFW to the request.
Jack calls in a progress report to Don Vito.
INT. OFFICE – DAY
LC reflects on the tour of the call center with Jack and the boys. He can’t find his handheld tape recorder.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack drives past the bus station – slowly – and the boys ask if he’s looking for someone.
EXT. BUS STATION – DAY
The Caddy picks up speed and is gone.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack immediately gets a premonition how poorly this trip will be – he’s pulled over by a state trooper, but smooth talks his way out of trouble.
EXT. DINER PARKING LOT – DAY
They stop by the Platinum Restaurant outside of St Louis, but never go in. Near an idling box truck, a man talks on a payphone in the restaurant parking lot.
INT. TRUCK – DAY
Jack and the boys pick up a tail – a box truck follows. The truck’s driver has Love and Hate tattooed on his knuckles.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
A game of punch-buggy goes horribly wrong and the boys come to blows in the back seat. Jack ties each boy up with rope and secures them to their ‘own side’ to keep them separated.
EXT. REST AREA – NIGHT
Jack buys snacks for the boys and ice for the cooler. Jack mixes a cocktail for the boys – he drugs them.
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
The nephews sleep, Jack drives like a madman. He thinks he’s being tailed and pulls into the House of Jimmy Truck Stop in Oklahoma.
Mid-point:
INT. TRUCK STOP BATHROOM – NIGHT
Jack averts a crisis when he beats a trucker who had Puck trapped in a bathroom stall.
INT. TRUCK STOP DINING ROOM – NIGHT
The boys have never seen this side of their uncle – and never want to. When Sal makes a snide comment about their waitress, Jack’s eyes narrow and the boys flinch noticeably.
WAITRESS STATION
The waitress smiles warmly when she recalls Jack, Puck and Sal, and she brags about her special tip. (The statue of liberty thermometer is her special tip and it’s revealed later).
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
The boys reveal they’re terrified of their uncle, and Jack contemplates how to best use this new information to his advantage. He practices divide and conquer.
INT. CADILLAC – LATER
Jack mixes up a concoction to put one nephew to sleep. Now which one?
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
Jack teaches Sal one of his favorite recipes while letting the kid drive the Caddy. Great times for Sal.
EXT. TRAVEL LODGE PARKING LOT – NIGHT
At a Travel Lodge, Jack fills the cooler with ice and looks around before going to his room.
A van slows by the hotel entrance and parks on the street facing the hotel.
INT. VAN – NIGHT
A hooded figure slouches in the driver’s seat. Hate tattooed on the knuckles of his right hand, the one cradling a gun.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack drugs Sal, Sal sleeps, Jack bonds with Puck. Puck learns about family and has a blast steering the Caddy.
EXT. HIGHWAY – NIGHT
The Caddy cruises down the highway and the nighttime view and lights of the Las Vegas strip comes in focus. Jack’s enthusiasm carries over to the boys.
EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT
No hotel tonight. The Cadillac pulls into a large parking lot and parks in a back corner facing the front.
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
Jack and the boys sleep. A truck pulls in and parks far enough away not to be noticed.
INT. TRUCK – NIGHT
Love and Hate decorate the driver’s knuckles.
EXT. HOTEL ENTRANCE – DAY
Jack’s dirty Cadillac slides up next to its doppelganger, only this one is perfectly clean and filled with a mean old couple.
INT. HOTEL LOBBY – DAY
Jack checks in as the kids take in the sights of the ornate lobby.
Jack spots a boys clothing store and looks at his scruffy nephews. He drags them to the store.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY
Jack buys the boys ‘outfits’ for the day. The boys emulate their uncle getting ready – dressing just like him.
INT. HOTEL CASINO – DAY
Ready for action, Jack and the nephews take one step in the casino and are tossed. Someone recommends Circus Circus where kids can play, too.
Second turning point at the end of Act 2:
INT. CIRCUS CIRCUS – DAY
Jack loses all his money in the casino while the boys thrive playing their games.
INT. SHUTTLE – NIGHT
Jack is pissed as the boys show off their winnings.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
Jack learns the boys have never seen a naked woman and orders an escort. The boys hide in the closet as the escort drops her dress – there’s a knock at the door.
The FBI barges in and the woman flees. Jack’s shaken down by the FBI and forced to be their informant.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – LATER
Jack scheduled a date with an old flame, but she gave him a lot of grief for ‘babysitting’ and wanted no part of it, she cancels.
Jack does a shot of tequila from one of the shot glasses the boys won at Circus Circus. He fills up the other two glasses and salutes his nephews’ first shots of liquor.
EXT. HOTEL PARKING LOT – DAY
Puck and Sal transfer license plates from the doppleganger Caddy. Jack searches for ice for the cooler – he can only find dry ice.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY
Jack calls Don Vito and tells him he may be a little late for the delivery. Don Vito tells Jack lightning will strike Jack’s family’s restaurant, Carmine’s, at 2:01 Monday if he’s not there in time.
EXT. HOTEL PARKING LOT – DAY
The FBI takes off after the wrong Cadillac.
Jack, Sal and Puck wave to the Parking Attendant as they sneak out of the parking lot.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Hands featuring Love and Hate grip the steering wheel. The tow truck follows Jack’s Cadillac.
EXT. PLAINS – DAY
Cowboys ride galloping stallions on the plains next to the road. The boys ask if they can ride horses, just like their favorite actor, Clint Eastwood – a loud NO is the answer.
INT. CADIALLAC TRUNK – DAY
A small leak in the cooler allows carbon monoxide top enter the Cadillac’s interior. Puck and Sal drop off to sleep first, then Jack.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
The FBI overtake the wrong Cadillac. The FBI spots a helicopter idling in an adjacent field, they claim command of the copter and force the pilot to take off.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Through the windshield, the driver watches Jack’s Cadillac veer off the road. It bounces wildly riding half on asphalt, half on the shoulder of the road.
EXT. PLAINS – DAYS
In a dream sequence, Sal and Puck ride galloping stallions.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack and the boys are completely asleep. Through the front window – a major dip in the road, bridge, bad accident about to happen.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
The flatbed tow truck bounces into the Caddy, then cuts in front stopping the car from plunging down the hillside/terrain/riverbank – whatever and a serious accident.
INT. CADILLAC – LATER
Jack wakes to find the tow truck driver pulling him from the Caddy. Jack and the Driver pull the unconscious boys from the Cadillac. Puck clutches his backpack.
EXT. SIDE OF HIGHWAY – DAY
Crisis:
Jack pleads to God to save Puck and Sal and in return, he pledges to turn his life around. As soon as he finishes, Sal moves – Jack immediately recants, but stops.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Jack’s dented Cadillac sits on the flatbed covered with a tarp when they take off. While Puck is still unconscious, Jack goes through Puck’s backpack and pulls out a number of items including a tape recorder from LC. Jack turns the tape recorder on and hears the FBI talking.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
The FBI manned helicopter flies overhead looking for Jack’s Caddy. They don’t realize the car is covered on the tow truck.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Puck wakens, spots the Driver and screams. Uncle Jack calms him down and Sal tells Puck that Driver saved their lives.
EXT. LOS ANGELES – DAY
The tow truck cruises by famous LA landmarks while the boys hang out the windows taking in the views.
Montage of shots for the landmarks – Hollywood sign, Hippies and disco queens alike, tricked out cars from 60s-70s, Whiskey a Go Go, Bob’s Big Boy
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Jack directs Driver to the address – the Don’s other brother’s funeral home. Asked how he knows, Jack confesses to driving a Yellow Taxi Cab in LA back in the day.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME PARKING LOT – DAY
Climax:
Jack gathers the package from the cooler and hands it to one of the Don’s men, who carries it inside.
The flatbed tow truck leaves with the Caddy on it.
INT. FUNERAL HOME LOBBY – DAY
A couple of MEN roam around. Don Vito directs a MAN to take the kids away as he ushers Jack in another room.
CASKET DISPLAY ROOM
Puck bets Sal pulled the big man can’t fit in the casket. The man hands over his gun and gets in the casket – he fits, and is locked inside.
ARRANGEMENT ROOM
Don Vito confronts Jack about the body bag at the funeral home, Jack claims ignorance as convincing as ever.
Sal walks in and gets everyone’s attention.
CLICK – from the other side of the room, Puck pulls back the hammer on the revolver he’s aiming at Don Vito.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
The FBI’s car speeds into the parking lot before it slides to a halt. Two men jump out and run to the front door.
INT. FUNERAL HOME ARRANGEMENT ROOM – DAY
FBI bust in and confront Don Vito, he screwed them over. Lots of yelling ensues.
Driver quietly walks in and pumps a round into his shotgun. Everything and everyone falls silent.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
The helicopter the FBI commandeered leads the LAPD into the fray. Police swarm the grounds.
Out the back door, Driver leads Jack, Puck and Sal to the tow truck. They hop in and take off.
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
LAPD filters through the offices and rooms, no one is around.
CASKET DISPLAY ROOM
Police hear muffled yells from all the closed caskets. LAPD finds everyone they’re looking for locked in caskets.
On top of the FBI caskets, a cassette tape with a message, “Jack says play us.” It’s the FBI’s confession in Las Vegas.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
From the helicopter’s view and the pilot’s narration, we watch LAPD lead numerous handcuffed people to cars. Prominent in the view are the FBI and Don Vito.
Resolution:
EXT. LAX – DAY
Jack and the boys say their goodbyes to Driver. What about the Caddy? It’s yours now, we gotta go.
MONTAGE OF SHOTS
The disheveled trio runs through the airport to their gate, Jet leaves LAX, Jet lands at JFK, Jack and the boys sleep on a bench near a gate.
INT. JFK GATE – DAY
Jack’s sisters (Puck and Sal’s mothers) spot the three amigos sleeping – they wake them.
INT. LINCOLN CONTINENTAL – DAY
The mothers ask Jack why they’re in a Lincoln and not his Caddy, before he can answer, Puck jumps in.
The mothers notice a change in their boys, they ask Jack and he weaves a tale. The boys vouch for their uncle’s story and add a few nougats of their own.
EXT. CARMINE’S PARKING LOT – DAY
A picture is taken of Jack, Puck and Sal next to the Lincoln Continental.
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
The picture is posted on the wall of pictures in the restaurant.
SUPER: TODAY
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
Present day Puck talks with CAT, one of his aunts, about that picture and finishes the true story of the Atlantic City trip.
The idea is to give the illusion everyone is gathered for a somber event, when it’s actually the 30+ year of the family RE-union.
In comes Jack with Puck and Sal’s wives – the twins, Traci and Laci, from the opening scene. Everyone cheers.
EXT. CARMINE’S PARKING LOT – NIGHT
First thing you notice, the funeral home is now “Jack’s Place”.
Everyone in the movie is there having fun. All the aunts and uncles, LC and his group are there, customers are there. Jules performs his Vegas act on a stage.
Everyone’s in party mode. Jack, Puck and Sal toast everyone with a shot of Tequila – just like Vegas. Everyone does a shot.
Someone comments about the helluva mess – I got it says Jack.
Driver shows up with Jack’s Cadillac fully restored.
Driver presents Jack with his keys, Jack shouts, “Who wants to go for a ride?” Puck and Sal’s kids, knockoffs of the fathers at the same age, run up waving their hands. Jack deadpans to the camera.
EXT. CARMINE’S PARKING LOT – NIGHT
A cleaning truck pulls up, two MEN get out. It’s the two disgraced FBI guys and they’re there to pick up the trash/clean up a mess.
FADE OUT:
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BOB SMITH – REQUEST FOR EXCHANGE OF ESSENCE OUTLINES. (Many thanks.)
CONCEPT
Working Title: “Moths Around a Flame:” The Making of “The Blue Angel.”
A. LOGLINE: The making of the erotic thriller “The Blue Angel” (1930) has an impact on the principal actors, Emil Jannings and [then unknown] Marlene Dietrich and the director (Josef von Sternberg) that leads to success for von Sternberg, stardom for Dietrich, but ironically, the fall of Emil Jannings in a manner that parallels his role as the professor in the film, whose infatuation with a cabaret showgirl leads to his ruin.
PLOT CHOICE: (Tragic) #12 Transformation.
CHARACTER STRUCTURE: Dramatic Triangle.
The dramatic triangle is between the director (Josef von Sternberg) and Marlene Dietrich with Emil Jannings who believes Dietrich upstages him as the star of the film and has alienated von Sternberg from working with him.
LEAD CHARACTERS:
MARLENE DIETRICH is the ‘unknown” whom Josef von Sternberg is grooming for stardom.
JOSEF VON STERNBERG is the director of ‘The Blue Angel” who grooms Dietrich for stardom which grows into an affair that threatens his marriage and complicates his working relationship with his star, Emil Jannings
EMIL JANNINGS is an acclaimed Oscar-winning actor who is the star of “The Blue Angel” who feels dethroned by Dietrich and abandoned by von Sternberg who devotes himself almost full time to mentoring Dietrich to the negect of his working relationship with with him (Jannings).
NECESSARY QUESTIONS:
A. The Dramatic Question: How could an actor – a man of Jannings’ stature have allowed himself to be exploited by the Nazis in propaganda films?
B. The Main Conflict: Between Jannings and Dietrich with von Sternberg trying to mediate as director in this feud between his discovery and lover Dietrich and his star, Jannings.
C. The Emotional Dilemma:
For Jannings: To swallow his jealousy and animus, at the director’s request in order to be partners in art with Dietrich to complete the film. Later, with apparently no film career in Hollywood, does Jannings work with the Nazi propagandist film industry just to have a motion picture career?
For Dietrich: To disregard her contempt for Jannings, at the director’s request and be partners in art with him for the completion of the film.
For von Sternberg: To be not only a lover and mentor for Dietrich but to be a director who mediates between feuding actors.
ARC OF LEAD CHARACTERS.
In spite of the feud, Dietrich, Jannings, and von Sternberg finish a magnificent film.
Dietrich and von Sternberg return to America.
Jannings remains in Germany believing he has no future in Hollywood (his German accent doesn’t work in Hollywood “talkies”) and receives counsel from a studio executive that he should consider continuing his career in films for the Third Reich. The penalty if he doesn’t could be imprisonment or worse.
The Theme: Do not judge anyone for an action they performed under a death-threat.
OPENING:
Title: Berlin – American Sector, July, 1945.
EXT: US ARMY HEADQUARTERS –
Brandishing an Oscar statuette, Emil Jannings (now 60) presents himself at US Army headquarters shouting, “Don’t shoot! I won an Oscar!” Jannings seeks asylum from the Soviets in the free (Allied) sector of Berlin.
INT. OFFICE US ARMY HEADQUARTERS – DAY
INCITING INCIDENT: A US Army intake Officer, who is a film buff wants to know what it was like filming “The Blue Angel” and why an actor and man of Jannings’ stature allowed himself to be exploited by the Nazi propaganda film industry to which Jannings replies by telling the story of this film.
INT. SCREENING ROOM – DAY
Against the wishes of the studio brass and his star (Jannings), von Sternberg casts an unknown (Marlene Dietrich) in the role of the cabaret showgirl Lola Lola who is the love-interest of the professor portrayed by Jannings in the film – who immediately believes Dietrich is upstaging him as the star which starts their conflict.
INT. THE BLUE ANGEL STUDIO SET – DAY
After filming the first rendition of “Falling in Love Again,” Dietrich takes von Sternberg and Jannings, and fellow cast members Kurt Gerron, and Hans Albers ‘out on the town’ of the Weimar “Berlin of Lola Lola.” All accept and leave the set and studi.
INT. SABRI MAHER’S BOXING STUDIO – NIGHT
Dietrich introduces the group to her trainer, Turkish Boxing Champion Sabri Maher and has a faux boxing match with fellow actress Carola Neher, and knocks her out, and then invites everybody to join her at the gay cabaret, Club Silhouette a favorite hangout of show people and the intelligentsia.
INT. CLUB SILHOUETTE – NIGHT
Dr. Magnus Hirschfeld (Berlin’s “Einstein of Sex”) invites Dietrich and company to sit with him. In celebration of her getting the part of Lola Lola, Dietrich buys drinks for everyone in the club, including those who said she can’t act. Carola good-naturedly chides Dietrich, “Just because you got the part, doesn’t mean you can act.” Jannings, not good-naturedly, adds: “It’s her legs that know how to act.” When Nazi Brown Shirts hurl rocks through the club’s windows, Hirschfeld frighteningly predicts an end to freedom with a soon and inevitable Nazi take-over.
INT. APARTMENT OF JOSEF VON STERNBERG – NIGHT
In regard to von Sternberg’s relationship with Dietrich, his wife (Riza Royce) confronts him, “Why don’t you divorce me and marry her?” He answers, “I’d sooner share a phone booth with a cobra.”
INT. STUDIO SET OF “THE BLUE ANGEL” – DAY
On a break, Jannings complains to Gerron and Albers that von Sternberg is constantly with Dietrich and neglected his partnership with other actors in creating a great film including the real star of the film, Jannings himself. Gerron and Albers try to reassure Jannings. Von Sternberg appears and Jannings puts his complaints to him directly to which he replies, “Emil, you are the star. Marlene is the novice and needs attention as well as support from you, as the star.”
INT. STUDIO SET OF “THE BLUE ANGEL” – DAY
The conflict between Jannings and Dietrich escalates to violence when Jannings overacts a scene of strangling Dietrich’s character that he actually strangles Dietrich and injures her to which von Sternberg calls on both actors to partner up in the name of the art and finish the film..
INT. STUDIO SET OF “THE BLUE ANGEL” – DAY
Von Sternberg’s intervention has worked and Dietrich and Jannings turn in stellar perfomances especially in Dietrich’s signature song, “Falling in love again” and Jannings’ scene of the ruined professor dying.
INT. STUDIO SET OF “THE BLUE ANGEL” – DAY
After the film wraps, Jannings, convinced he has no future in Hollywood because his accent makes him unsuitable for ‘talkies,’ asks studio chief Alfred Hugenberg (a Nazi-supporter) for advice and he answers that he should work in Nazi cinema. Jannings informs Gerron and Albers who say that they have plans on what to do in the event of a Nazi take-over, Gerron (a Jew) will flee to France, Albers will send his Jewish mistress to England. Jannings, will protect his mother, a Russian born woman of Jewish origin if need be by working in Nazi cinema.
INT. OFFICE US ARMY HEADQUARTERS – DAY (AS BEFORE)
In answer the question of how he allowed himself to be used by the Nazis, Jannings tells the US Intake Officer, that if he had not worked for the Nazis he may have died and also his Russian Jewish mother. The US Officer informs Jannings that he must be de-nazified which effectively ends his acting career and ruins him in a manner that mirrors the ruination of his professor-character in “The Blue Angel.”
RESOLUTION: Closing Titles:
Emil Jannings never acted again. He died in 1950 of liver cancer. He was given a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
Marlene Dietrich and Josef von Sternberg went to Hollywood and made many acclaimed motion pictures through the 1930’s. Dietrich condemned Hitler and Nazism, She became an American Citizen and entertained the troops even as they marched against the German Army.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Robert Smith. Reason: Found a better way to say one thing
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BOB SMITH
I added some notes (in bold) and put square brackets ([ ]) around parts I thought could be omitted to make some of the Story Logic Web (SLW) shorter. The details, while interesting and necessary to the story, are not necessarily necessary to the SLW. They are only suggestions of course and may have missed the mark on setting mood and level of intrigue you want to convey.
Since this is an adaptation, you may have some creative restrictions, but you definitely have a good story here as the characters watch the Nazis rise and their own fortunes diverge. What great roles for actors you have here!
I offer some suggestions for shortening a few of the SLW components, but honestly liked the story, characterization and plot already so you’ve got a great story to tell.
CONCEPT
Working Title: “Moths Around a Flame:” The Making of “The Blue Angel.”
A. LOGLINE: The making of the erotic thriller “The Blue Angel” (1930) has an impact on the principal actors, Emil Jannings and [then unknown] Marlene Dietrich and the director (Josef von Sternberg) that leads to success for von Sternberg, stardom for Dietrich, but ironically, the fall of Emil Jannings in a manner that parallels his role as the professor in the film, whose infatuation with a cabaret showgirl leads to his ruin.
PLOT CHOICE: (Tragic) #12 Transformation.
CHARACTER STRUCTURE: Dramatic Triangle.
The dramatic triangle is between the director (Josef von Sternberg) and Marlene Dietrich with Emil Jannings who believes Dietrich upstages him as the star of the film and has alienated von Sternberg from working with him.
LEAD CHARACTERS:
MARLENE DIETRICH is the ‘unknown” whom Josef von Sternberg is grooming for stardom.
JOSEF VON STERNBERG is the director of ‘The Blue Angel” who grooms Dietrich for stardom which grows into an affair that threatens his marriage and complicates his working relationship with his star, Emil Jannings
EMIL JANNINGS is an acclaimed Oscar-winning actor who is the star of “The Blue Angel” who feels dethroned by Dietrich and abandoned by von Sternberg who devotes himself almost full time to mentoring Dietrich to the neglect of his working relationship with with him (Jannings).
NECESSARY QUESTIONS:
A. The Dramatic Question: How could an actor – a man of Jannings’ stature have allowed himself to be exploited by the Nazis in propaganda films?
B. The Main Conflict: Between Jannings and Dietrich with von Sternberg trying to mediate as director in this feud between his discovery and lover Dietrich and his star, Jannings.
C. The Emotional Dilemma:
For Jannings: To swallow his jealousy and animus, at the director’s request in order to be partners in art with Dietrich to complete the film. Later, with apparently no film career in Hollywood, does Jannings work with the Nazi propagandist film industry just to have a motion picture career?
For Dietrich: To disregard her contempt for Jannings, at the director’s request and be partners in art with him for the completion of the film.
For von Sternberg: To be not only a lover and mentor for Dietrich but to be a director who mediates between feuding actors.
ARC OF LEAD CHARACTERS.
In spite of the feud, Dietrich, Jannings, and von Sternberg finish a magnificent film.
Dietrich and von Sternberg return to America.
Jannings remains in Germany believing he has no future in Hollywood (his German accent doesn’t work in Hollywood “talkies”) and receives counsel from a studio executive that he should consider continuing his career in films for the Third Reich. The penalty if he doesn’t could be imprisonment or worse.
The Theme: Do not judge anyone for an action they performed under a death-threat.
OPENING:
Title: Berlin – American Sector, July, 1945.
EXT: US ARMY HEADQUARTERS –
Brandishing an Oscar statuette, Emil Jannings (now 60) [presents himself at US Army headquarters shouting, “Don’t shoot! I won an Oscar!”] Jannings seeks asylum from the Soviets in the free (Allied) sector of Berlin.
INT. OFFICE US ARMY HEADQUARTERS – DAY
INCITING INCIDENT: A US Army intake Officer, who is a film buff [wants to know what it was like filming “The Blue Angel” and] why an actor [and man] of Jannings’ stature allowed himself to be exploited by the Nazi propaganda film industry to which prompts Jannings to tell this story [Jannings replies by telling the story of this film].
INT. SCREENING ROOM – DAY
I’d skip the names in this one.
Against the wishes of the studio brass and his star [(Jannings)], von Sternberg casts an unknown [(Marlene Dietrich)] in the role of the cabaret showgirl [Lola Lola] , [ who is] the love-interest of the professor portrayed by Jannings in the film – who [immediately] believes Dietrich is upstaging him [ as the star which starts their conflict].
INT. THE BLUE ANGEL STUDIO SET – DAY
After filming the first rendition of “Falling in Love Again,” Dietrich takes von Sternberg and Jannings, and fellow cast members Kurt Gerron, and Hans Albers ‘out on the town’ of the Weimar “Berlin of Lola Lola.” [All accept and leave the set and studio.]
INT. SABRI MAHER’S BOXING STUDIO – NIGHT
Dietrich introduces the group to her trainer, Turkish Boxing Champion Sabri Maher and has a faux boxing match with fellow actress Carola Neher, and knocks her out, and then invites everybody to join her at the gay cabaret, Club Silhouette a favorite hangout of show people and the intelligentsia.
INT. CLUB SILHOUETTE – NIGHT
I’d shorten this by summarizing all but the last sentence. Perhaps Professional jealousy is evident in the actor’s banter until Nazi Brown shirts hurl rocks through he club’s windows and Hirschfeld predicts an inevitable Nazi take-over.
Dr. Magnus Hirschfeld (Berlin’s “Einstein of Sex”) invites Dietrich and company to sit with him. In celebration of her getting the part of Lola Lola, Dietrich buys drinks for everyone in the club, including those who said she can’t act. Carola good-naturedly chides Dietrich, “Just because you got the part, doesn’t mean you can act.” Jannings, not good-naturedly, adds: “It’s her legs that know how to act.” When Nazi Brown Shirts hurl rocks through the club’s windows, Hirschfeld frighteningly predicts an end to freedom with a soon and inevitable Nazi take-over.
INT. APARTMENT OF JOSEF VON STERNBERG – NIGHT
It’s probably better to not include dialog in the outline although this dialogue is a superb specimen so I know why you included it.
In regard to von Sternberg’s relationship with Dietrich, his wife (Riza Royce) confronts him, “Why don’t you divorce me and marry her?” He answers, “I’d sooner share a phone booth with a cobra.”
INT. STUDIO SET OF “THE BLUE ANGEL” – DAY
Jannings complains to von Sternberg that his relationship with Dietrich and neglect of the other actors is affecting the production and von Sternberg flatters Jannings to defuse the situation. (I know this doesn’t have the flair or voice, but conveys most of what happens)
On a break, Jannings complains to Gerron and Albers that von Sternberg is constantly with Dietrich and neglected his partnership with other actors in creating a great film including the real star of the film, Jannings himself. Gerron and Albers try to reassure Jannings. Von Sternberg appears and Jannings puts his complaints to him directly to which he replies, “Emil, you are the star. Marlene is the novice and needs attention as well as support from you, as the star.”
INT. STUDIO SET OF “THE BLUE ANGEL” – DAY
The conflict between Jannings and Dietrich escalates to violence when Jannings overacts a scene of strangling Dietrich’s character that he actually strangles Dietrich and injures her to which von Sternberg calls on both actors to partner up in the name of the art and finish the film..
INT. STUDIO SET OF “THE BLUE ANGEL” – DAY
Von Sternberg’s intervention has worked and Dietrich and Jannings turn in stellar performances especially in Dietrich’s signature song, “Falling in love again” and Jannings’ scene of the ruined professor dying.
INT. STUDIO SET OF “THE BLUE ANGEL” – DAY
While Jannings’ German accent makes him unsuitable for Hollywood, he is advised to work in Nazi cinema to protect his Jewish mother. His ??friends?? who also have Jewish connections intend to flee Germany. That may be a little shorter and a bit inaccurate, so definitely reword this one yourself if you feel you should shorten it.
After the film wraps, Jannings, convinced he has no future in Hollywood because his accent makes him unsuitable for ‘talkies,’ asks studio chief Alfred Hugenberg (a Nazi-supporter) for advice and he answers that he should work in Nazi cinema. Jannings informs Gerron and Albers who say that they have plans on what to do in the event of a Nazi take-over, Gerron (a Jew) will flee to France, Albers will send his Jewish mistress to England. Jannings, will protect his mother, a Russian born woman of Jewish origin if need be by working in Nazi cinema.
INT. OFFICE US ARMY HEADQUARTERS – DAY (AS BEFORE)
In answer the question of how he allowed himself to be used by the Nazis, Jannings tells the US Intake Officer, that if he had not worked for the Nazis he may have died and also his Russian Jewish mother. The US Officer informs Jannings that he must be de-nazified which effectively ends his acting career and ruins him in a manner that mirrors the ruination of his professor-character in “The Blue Angel.”
RESOLUTION: Closing Titles:
Emil Jannings never acted again. He died in 1950 of liver cancer. He was given a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
Marlene Dietrich and Josef von Sternberg went to Hollywood and made many acclaimed motion pictures through the 1930’s. Dietrich condemned Hitler and Nazism, She became an American Citizen and entertained the troops even as they marched against the German Army.
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Thank you Janeen for your thoughts and suggestions about “Moths Around a Flame.” Much of my time lately has been spent on permission and rights I have with the copyright holder. I have permission to write the screenplay for personal use and when a sale is finally made that’ss the real wheeling and dealing and dollars are addressed. I still have to talk with an Entertainment or IP Attorney (Do you know any?). I don’t want any surprises later on and want to make sure that what I understand is right.
Your suggestions are very useful and I plan to make changes based upon them. Thank you so very much.
BTW, the “friends” are Hans Albers and Kurt Gerron, fellow cast members in “The Blue Angel.”
Glad you like the dialogue even though you’re right, I probably should only summarize in the outline.
Best Always,
Bob
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Bob,
I think you’ve pared everything down to the bare essentials in your essence outline and it weaves your interesting tale. Very readable, flows easily and logically to the story’s conclusion.
I’m anxious to hear Jannings tell the story and his explanation of the Dramatic Question. We know about Dietrich and Von Sternberg, but not so much about Jannings. Between protecting his mother’s Jewish heritage, the overtures of prison or worse and his heavy German accent eliminating a future career in movies in the US, Jannings doesn’t appear to have many options. Coupled with the theme of not judging the actions of someone under a death threat, Jannings, to me, is a very sympathetic character. Hard to lose everything you enjoy (his craft – acting), what’s left is taken away (told to make Nazi films) and you have to get up everyday and continue moving forward (ensuring his Jewish mother’s safety) under the backdrop of a tyrant’s regime. Bob, you’ve got a appealing tale to tell with many juicy options to pick from – well done.
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Thank you so very much, John. Your kind words and feedback are very helpful and encouraging that I got it on target.
Bob
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This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by
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REQUEST FOR EXCHANGE
Rob Bertrand’s Outline Version 1
Concept: A grieving teenager becomes convinced that her house is haunted, only for her father to accuse her of faking it for attention, but when her father goes missing, the teenage girl discovers a dangerous stalker, living in the walls, pretending to be her dead mother.
Plot Choice: #7 The Riddle: This one challenges the viewer to solve the riddle before the protagonist.
Character Structure: Dramatic Triangle.
Lead Characters:
– Protagonist: Annie Andrews is a high school senior, dealing with the recent loss of her mother and struggling with her sexuality. She has a crush on her best friend.
– Monster Bait: Jocelyn Wilcox is Annie’s best friend, who enjoys the attention she gets from Annie’s crush.
– Antagonist: Danny Laplante is a high school dropout with a history of mental illness, who’s obsession for Annie drives him to live inside her walls. He’s dangerously jealous over Annie and Jocelyn’s relationship.
– Side Character: Jessica Andrews, 8, since the death of her mom, she’s become obsessed with horror movies. Character adds some comedic relief.
– Side Character: Jack Andrews is an overworked father, dealing with the loss of his wife and believes that Annie is faking.
Dramatic Question: Can a traumatized teenager overcome the guilt of her mom’s death and defeat the monster haunting her home?
Main Conflict: Annie keeps experiencing frightening paranormal activity, but her father Jack thinks she’s making it up as a desperate cry for help
Logline: Two sisters become convinced that their house is haunted, only to discover an obsessed teenage boy living in their walls, pretending to be their dead mother.
Dilemma: Can Annie overcome her grief and learn to stand up for herself or will she let the guilt of her mom’s death ruin her life and relationships
Theme: Childhood is over the moment you realize that monsters are real.
Character Arc of Lead Character: Annie goes from a depressed teenager, burdened with guilt over the death of her mom, to a fiercely confident young woman
OUTLINE – Updated 10/18/21
Title: Don’t Cry Wolf
FADE IN:
EXT. WEDDING VENUE – DUSK
Jack and Nora Andrews attend a wedding with their daughters Annie, 16 and Jessica, 8. Annie is asked to drive home because her mom and dad are too drunk to drive.
INT. ANDREWS CAR – NIGHT
Annie and Jack argue after he makes an intolerant comment about gay marriage. Distracted, Annie runs a stop sign and the family is broadsided by another vehicle. Nora dies at the scene.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
At the funeral reception, Annie overhears Jack tell someone that if he hadn’t let her drive, that Nora would still be alive. We are introduced to the friendly elderly neighbors.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – DAY
A year later, Annie is getting her makeup done by her best friend, Jocelyn. We learn that Annie has a date with a boy she met online, but she doesn’t really want to go. Jocelyn admits to breaking up with her boyfriend.
INT. FATHER’S ROOM – DAY
Jessica enters to wake her father for work and discovers he fell asleep clutching Nora’s wedding dress while watching his wedding video. Empty liquor bottles litter the floor.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – DAY
Jack pokes his head in to say goodbye before leaving for work and remembers that Annie has that “thing.” He think’s getting out of the house and socializing is a good thing. Annie asks when she can get her driver’s license. Jack doesn’t think she’s ready. The conversation ends with an argument. Jack is saved by the doorbell.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
Annie answers the door and is thrown off. Danny looks nothing like how he described himself. Instead of blonde and athletic, he has greasy black hair and is super skinny. He’s sloppily dressed in dirty clothes. Jocelyn and Jessica decide to follow Annie from a distance.
EXT. COUNTY FAIR – NIGHT
The date with Danny is awkward and uncomfortable. Danny wants to know everything about Annie’s dead mother. Danny thinks a mother is the heart of a family.
EXT. FERRIS WHEEL – COUNTY FAIR – NIGHT
Danny and Annie ride the Ferris wheel. Annie admits that she sometimes thinks the wrong parent died. Danny tries to kiss Annie. Repulsed, Annie rejects Danny, who doesn’t take it well. Annie texts Jocelyn that she needs to bail. Jocelyn texts back where to meet.
EXT. BATHROOMS – COUNTY FAIR – NIGHT
Annie tells Danny that she’ll be right back. She enters the restroom, then exits the opposite side, where she meets Jocelyn and Jessica. They disappear into the crowd.
EXT. RESTROOMS – COUNTY FAIR – NIGHT
Danny grows impatient for Annie. He asks a stranger if she saw Annie inside and they shake their head. Danny shouts into the lady’s restroom for Annie. No response.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Jessica wants to watch a scary movie and begs until Annie says yes. The phone rings off the hook, but Annie doesn’t answer. She knows it’s Danny.
INT. KITCHEN – MORNING
Jack stumbles in from work, as Jessica and Annie eat cereal. Annie tells him about Danny. Jessica thinks the house is haunted and that there’s a monster in her closet. Frank tells them to clean their dishes before they leave for school and no more scary movies.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
Jack answers the front door and finds Danny, wearing the same clothes as yesterday, on the porch. Jack tells Danny to stay away from his daughter. Danny tells Jack that Annie was right, it should have been him that died.
EXT. ANDREWS HOUSE – DAY
Annie and Jessica arrive home from school. Jack left a note, he picked up a shift and won’t be home till late. Money for a pizza on the fridge.
INT. KITCHEN – DAY
Annie finds a bowl of half-eaten cereal on the counter and gets on Jessica’s case for not cleaning up after herself. Annie doesn’t want to be Jessica’s mom. Jessica swears she put the bowl away. There’s no money on the fridge.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
As Jessica and Annie eat ramen, they hear the sound of heavy furniture moving in the basement. Annie sets down the TV remote and the girls cautiously head downstairs.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
Annie peeks into the room and flips on the light. Nothing is there. From upstairs, the TV volume goes full blast. The girl’s scream.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica search frantically for the remote, but it’s missing. Annie finds the volume button on the TV and turns it down. The remote control flies out of the kitchen and explodes against the wall. Annie smells her mother’s perfume.
INT. JESSICA’S ROOM – NIGHT
Annie tucks Jessica into bed.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
Annie enters her room and finds her window open. She doesn’t remember opening it. Jessica screams from her bedroom.
INT. JESSICA’S ROOM – NIGHT
Annie rushes in. Jessica tells her there’s a monster in the closet. Annie blames it on the scary movie. She checks the closet, but nothings in there. Annie explains that monsters aren’t real.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
Annie begins to change into her pajamas, but gets the feeling she’s being watched.
INT. LIVING ROOM – MORNING
Jack gets home from work and is pounced on by his daughters. They talk over each other, explaining the creepy phenomenon. Jack thinks they’re pulling pranks. Jack doesn’t want them watching scary movies anymore.
EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Annie, Jessica and Jocelyn walk home from school. Jessica tells Jocelyn about the creepy things happening around their house. Jocelyn asks if it could be their mom and freaks Jessica out. Jocelyn wants to do a séance.
INT. BASEMENT – ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Annie, Jessica, Jocelyn and their flamboyant friend Robert, perform a séance. When asked if the spirit blames Annie for the death of Nora the spirit replies yes. They are interrupted by Jack, who’s a bit drunk. He’s furious at them for playing around with devil worship.
Annie and Jack have an emotional fight. Jack accuses her friends of drinking all his beer. Annie embarrasses Jack for sleeping with her mom’s wedding dress.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
Jocelyn consoles Annie, who’s upset that her mom blames her for her death. Annie thinks her father hates her.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Jack throws Nora’s wedding dress in a trash can and closes the lid.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – MORNING
Annie watches Jocelyn sleep. Jocelyn wakes and they share their first kiss. They are interrupted by pounding on the wall. Jocelyn leaves and there’s a loud crash from the hallway.
INT. LIVING ROOM – MORNING
Annie finds Jocelyn in a heap at the bottom of the stairs. Her arms are broken.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – MORNING
Paramedics load Jocelyn into the back of an ambulance, as she mutters about being pushed from behind. Annie has an argument with her father.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Jocelyn’s parents argue with Jack in the hallway. Annie questions Jocelyn about what happened. Jocelyn only remembers a lady in white and the feeling of being pushed.
INT. JACK’S TRUCK – DAY
It’s a tense ride home. Annie texts Jocelyn, but it goes unread.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – EVENING
Jack pokes his head in to say goodbye. Annie doesn’t speak to him. She watches out the window as Jack backs out of the driveway. Annie hears whispers in her room.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica watch a mindless reality show, while armed with a baseball bat and kitchen knife. Suddenly, noises from the basement.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica, investigate the basement and discover a message written in blood. “It’s your fault!” The freezer pushes towards them.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOME – NIGHT
The sisters flee the house and head to the elderly neighbors we met at the funeral reception.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
Police search the house, but there’s no sign of anyone. A cop tells Jack that the message was written in ketchup and that the girls must be acting out for attention. Jack is furious.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Jack and Annie have a brutal argument. Jack tells his daughters, “Don’t cry wolf.” Jack understands that Annie’s pain because he lost her too. Jack says he has to live everyday with…Annie cuts him off, “With the girl that killed her?” The argument ends with Annie wishing her father was dead.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – VARIOUS
Montage – Annie secludes herself in her room as the season changes from Fall to Winter.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL – DAY
Annie sits with Robert, eating lunch. She waves at Jocelyn, but it’s not reciprocated. Robert asks about the house and Annie reveals that it’s been quiet lately.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
Annie video chats with Jocelyn. Jocelyn explains that she can’t see Annie anymore because she’s getting back together with her boyfriend. Annie gets teary eyed.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Jessica watches TV on the couch. She’s startled by a red ball that rolls out of a closet.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM
Jessica bursts in, scaring Annie and Jocelyn half to death. Jocelyn sees the lady in white behind Annie and Jessica. Annie ends the video chat before Jocelyn can warn her. Jessica consoles Annie, when a loud voice screams Annie’s name from downstairs.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica ease their way down the stairs, searching for the signs of trouble. They search the living, but nothing is there. Suddenly, a crash from Annie’s room.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
The room looks like a tornado hit it. The bed and furniture have been toppled. Clothes and knickknacks have been thrown everywhere. On the wall is written: “Be with me…” One by one, pictures frames hung on the wall fly off the shelf, nail and all.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica run down the stairs, as pictures fly off the living room wall. A cross slowly spins upside down. Annie pulls Jessica out the door.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
The sister’s run to the safety of the neighbors.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – LATER
Jack’s truck skids to a stop in front of the house. The elderly Neighbor greets him in the driveway. The neighbor says he looked around, but everything seemed normal. He didn’t call the cops.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Jack enters the house, only to discover the house is completely wrecked. Every light has been shattered. He’s drawn to the sound of static coming from upstairs.
INT. JACK’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Jack opens the door slowly to reveal a message on the wall that reads: “Marry me!” There’s a quick flash of what appears to be Nora in her wedding dress. Jack is knocked out from behind.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Annie grows impatient. She heads inside her house to find her father.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie enters slowly, sizing up the mess. There’s no sign of her father. From upstairs, the sound of wedding music.
INT. JACK’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Annie opens the door and finds her father, tied to a chair with a head wound. The ghost haunting the house is revealed to be Danny, who’s wearing Nora’s dirty wedding dress. He’s completely insane and has taken on Nora’s persona.
Danny gives Annie the choice: The wrong parent died? Kill your father and you can have your mom back. You wanted him dead.
Danny chops off Jack’s left wedding ring hand. Annie convinces Danny to give her the axe so she can kill her father. It’s a trick and she drives the axe into Danny’s shoulder.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Annie drags her dad to safety as Danny watches from the upstairs bedroom window. Jack is losing a lot of blood. Annie has no choice but to drive her dad to the hospital.
INT. JACK’S TRUCK – NIGHT
Annie is scared to drive, but Jack believes in her.
INT. JACK’S TRUCK – MOMENTS LATER
Annie weaves through traffic as her father fights to keep his eyes open.
EXT. EMERGENCY ROOM – HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Annie screeches to a halt and jumps out. She runs inside.
INT. EMERGENCY ROOM – HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Annie, covered in blood, screams for help.
EXT. EMERGENCY ROOM – HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Hospital staff swarm the truck and put Jack on a stretcher. Annie watches in horror.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Police use a dog to search the house. The dog catches a scent and barks at the basement door.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
The search dog barks at the freezer in the corner. Police move the freezer and discover a large hole in the wall. A cop shines a flashlight into the hole and illuminates the face of Danny.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOME – NIGHT
Danny is handcuffed to a gurney and placed in the back of an ambulance.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT
Annie learns that her father is going to live. Annie breaks down with tears of joy, until she over hears that Danny is at the same hospital.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Jack rests in a hospital bed, with Annie and Jessica by his side. A police detective explains Danny’s history of violence and the charges he’ll face.
INT. WALLS – ANDREW’S HOME – VARIOUS
MONTAGE:
Danny slips through Annie’s open window.
Danny discovers the basement crawl space.
Danny takes the pizza money.
Danny watches Annie through a peephole he made.
Danny crawling through the walls to different peepholes.
Danny banging on the walls.
Danny slamming nails with a brick to make picture frames fall.
We see food wrappers and beer bottles filled with urine.
A pile of tissues and a stolen bottle of lotion.
INT. JACK’S HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Annie is disgusted. Jack takes her hand and tells her that they will get through this together. The police detective leaves. Annie opens up to Jack and finally comes out to him. Jack is loving and supportive.
INT. HALLWAY – HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Annie waits for the Guard to step away from his post at Danny’s door and sneaks in.
INT. DANNY’S HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT
Annie confronts Danny, who’s handcuffed to the bed. We think she’s going to hurt him. She tells Danny that she told her sister that monsters aren’t real. But she was wrong. She calls him a monster and tells him that he needs to get help. She ends the conversation by forgiving him.
EXT. LOCAL CEMETERY – DAY
Annie sets a bouquet of flowers down on Nora’s grave. She’s joined by her father and sister. They embrace, with tears in their eyes.
INT. DANNY’S HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT
A Nurse enters to check on Danny, but he escaped. She alerts the guard.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOME – DAY
A few weeks later, the Andrews watch as movers load a moving truck. Jack receives a call about Danny. Annie isn’t worried. The family gives the house one last look before saying goodbye. When it’s time to go, Jack tosses Annie the keys to her first car.
INT. SUBURBAN HOME – DAY
A mom enters the house, followed by her two young children. She finds the back door open and a dirty cereal bowl on the kitchen counter. A knife is missing from the butcher block.
END
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Rob, I’m right below you. Let’s exchange.
Janeen (janeenmj@aol.com)
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Rob,
I think I saw where others had reviewed your SLW so I’ll only verify that I can find the 9 points in your outline.
Opening — Happy family, dad’s prejudice and the accident
Inciting Incident — Disaster fair date with Danny — Danny is ditched — or is it the accident? That’s really early.
What the movie is about — Jack and Annie’s guilt about Nora’s death — or is it about believing your kids? The grief is never really resolved.
First turning point at end of Act 1 — Annie and Jessica know someone else is in the house.
Mid-Point — The message written in blood in the basement
Second turning point at end of Act 2 — Jack investigates the wrecked house only to find the “Marry Me” message and get knocked out. — or perhaps the scene where Annie finds him tied to the chair with Danny in the wedding dress. Yikes!
Crisis: Danny tells Annie to kill her dad and whacks off his hand — kind of a head start. 😮
Climax: Annie whacks Danny instead and gets her dad to safety.
Resolution: Annie’s family moves, but Danny’s back at the house waiting for Don’t Cry Wolf 2 to be written.
Everything seemed to be in the correct place.
The romance subplot kept the middle from sagging and was intertwined with Danny’s terrorizing so that felt very integral.
The callback/subplot about Annie driving was neatly interwoven with her being asked to drive when her parents were drunk to being forced to drive when her dad needed to get to the hospital.
The sequencing had Danny escalating violence. The grief story didn’t seem as well structured. Jack seems to be descending into alcoholism — well, okay, just self-medicating when he’s bummed out — but doesn’t seem to be resolved. Annie doesn’t seem to resolve her grief although she’s driving again.
There were definitely progressive complications with Danny.
If Annie’s dad is “instantly supportive” when she comes out, he should have indicated he had his suspicions or somehow understood what was coming earlier even if he hadn’t admitted it to himself. Otherwise, it seems a little fake given his gay comments that caused Nora’s death.
Other than those minor things, I think you should dream up some fitting terror for family #2 in Don’t Cry Wolf 2.
Janeen
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Thanks Janeen! All valid points! I’ll use your notes to improve my next version of the outline. I’m going to read your outline and get you some feedback tonight.
Much thanks,
Rob
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It’s a good story. Your mentioning the supporting characters is a welcomed addition. I’ll do the same with my outline. You have tightened your outline and story so it sustains attention. I can’t think of anything right now that I could suggest to improve. You have a very good story. At times Danny reminds me of Norman Bates in “Psycho” I mean that as a compliment. It is not a cliche. Alright, idea: What makes Danny so insane, does it need a little more character development about what does make Danny tick?
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Thanks Bob! It definitely has a modern day Psycho feel to it. I’ll take that a huge compliment. My plan is to reveal a lot of Danny’s backstory after he’s arrested, through dialogue with the Police Detective. The real Danny Laplante came from a broken home and was sexually abused by his psychiatrist. He developed a fondness for breaking into homes and playing mind games with the occupants.
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Janeen’s Request for Exchange
Concept: A wealthy fashionista learns mind control techniques and uses them to empower women at a shelter to take action against their abusers. As her ability to empower the abused grows stronger, the actions taken against the abusers turn deadly.
Plot Choice: Maturation
Character Structure: Protagonist vs. Antagonist
Lead Characters:
Morgan is a wealthy fashionista who learns mind control techniques to empower a woman who is being abused by her husband.
Daniel Richards is a fashion designer who keeps his wife and kids isolated in his home and suspects the protagonist of being in contact with them and working against him, growing angrier and even getting a restraining order against the fashionista.Dramatic Question: If you use mind control methods to help people without their knowledge are you a criminal if the result is murder?
Main Conflict: As abuse escalates in a household, who will survive? The husband or the wife?
Dilemma: Does the fashionista continue to use mind control techniques to empower the abused and save lives or is she empowering the abused women to become as abusive as their husbands?
Theme: Mind control techniques are an amped up version of “thoughts and prayers”.
Character Arc of Lead Character:
Morgan amuses herself with mind control techniques using them only for self-improvement. She fears getting so deeply into helping others that someone hurts her in revenge of her actions. She saves her designer’s wife and kids, avoids being charged with anything and realizes her power.
Structure:
Opening: Morgan meets Daniel’s abused wife, Amber, and kids, befriending them.
Inciting Incident: At Amber’s request, Morgan calls the police to arrest Daniel for abuse and a verbal contest between Morgan and Daniel erupts.
What the movie is about: Amber has refused to testify so charges have been dropped against Daniel, so Morgan must find must find another way to help Amber.
First turning point at end of Act 1: Morgan and the rest of her fiber arts guild, including Cinda, a cop, realize that outside interference often makes abuse worse, they agree to use mind control techniques to help women in danger.
Mid-Point: Since Silva says you cannot use his techniques to hurt others, they devise ways to use them to fortify the women in the shelter before they leave some strike against abusers with violence and the police are locking up more abusers.
Second turning point at end of Act 2: Amber lands in the ER in critical condition so the guild empowers the her to protect herself and her children which she does by killing Daniel after his next abusive action.
Crisis: The police charge the guild members as accessories to the murder because Cinda’s partner heard about the guild’s prior successes getting women to safely leave their abusive spouses and he thinks they have taken it too far.
Climax: At court, the guild and expert witnesses testify that their techniques are the equivalent of powerful “thoughts and prayers” and Amber is acquitted.
Resolution: After the drama in the courtroom, the judge rules in the guild’s favor.
INT. RICHARDS HOME – EVENING
Richard slaps and punches his wife, Amber, because she didn’t have the kids in bed already when he got home. He yells at the kids.
INT. CLASSROOM – DAY
Superficial Morgan leaves her mind control class chatting with her classmates. Is mind control real or is it really just about boosting confidence?
INT. WOMEN’S SHELTER LOBBY – DAY
Morgan sees Amber Richards, her designer’s wife, with their two kids at a women’s shelter. Amber pretends she’s there on a charitable mission, but Morgan sees the bruises and is distressed.
INT. SHELTER OFFICE – DAY
Bridget, who runs the shelter, tells Morgan that Amber won’t press charges and is going back to her husband after being at the shelter only a few hours.
INT. DESIGN STUDIO – DAY
Morgan and Daniel Richards greet with fake kisses and she tells him she’s seen his wife at the shelter, donating clothes. He turns away with an evil leer.
INT. RICHARDS HOME – EVENING
Daniel berates and slaps around Amber for trying to escape from him and steal his kids while not keeping their private matters private. She whimpers.
INT. MORGAN’S HOME – DAY
Morgan decides Amber needs to empower herself to leave Daniel so she puts her copy of Silva in her purse. It will strengthen her self-confidence and help her feel she is capable of leaving Daniel.
INT. RICHARDS HOME ENTRY – EVENING
After greeting, Morgan follows Daniel to his studio. She slips a Silva book onto a table with a significant look at Amber who is holding her kids in the darkened living room. Morgan is satisfied she has helped someone in need.
INT. RICHARDS HOME STUDIO – EVENING
Morgan and Daniel consult on the design of a dress and both are fussy about fit and embellishment. As he walks her to the door, she sees Amber giving her the covert sign for help. Startled, she nods to Amber.
INT. MORGAN’S CAR – CONTINUOUS
Morgan calls the police to report that a woman asked her to call for help at the designer’s address. Two males cops arrive and Morgan follows them to the designer’s house.
EXT. RICHARDS HOME – CONTINUOUS
Daniel is in cuffs, Amber and her kids are in tears. Daniel yells at Morgan to mind her own business and stay out of their simple family spat. The conversation gets heated.
INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – LATER
Still superficial, Morgan tells the group that includes Bridget and Cinda (a cop) that Daniel has cut all ties with her and she’s not sure what she’ll wear to the gala.
INT. POLICE STATION – EVENING
Daniel is incensed and wants to capitalize on what the cops witnessed when Morgan lit into Daniel. Because Amber refuses to testify, they side ask for the restraining order he wants.
INT. POLICE STATION – LATER
The two cops argue with Cinda and her partner, Rod, that it’s not abuse if the wife won’t press charges, but Rod sides with Cinda so we know he’s reasonable.
INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – EVENING
Cinda and Morgan update the guild. Daniel got a restraining order against Morgan for trying to incite Amber to leave him by giving her the book. The guild members are sympathetic. Morgan sees it’s not going to be easy and wants to do more.
INT. CLASSROOM – DAY
Morgan’s Silva instructor tells her that she cannot use Silva to harm anyone or it will come back on her. She can empower an abused wife to have the strength she needs to escape from a distance.
INT. RICHARDS HOME – EVENING
Daniel, emboldened and angry, slaps around Amber again, takes her car keys and phone away from her.
He’ll buy whatever they need. He spanks the kids for crying when they see him hit Amber.
INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING
Morgan uses Silva to heal Amber’s bruises. Then she empowers her and reduces her fear and emotional pain. All of this is done from a distance.
INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING
Morgan’s husband, Gavin, a wealthy writer, doesn’t think it’s ethical to help someone without their permission and mentions the restraining order. She argues she’s staying away and feels compelled to do something.
INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – EVENING
The guild includes a Cinda, Bridget, Emily (a lawyer) and ER nurse Rhonda. They explain abused women’s behavior and the fears/pride that govern their actions. Rhonda has heard of NMT, intentional medicine and Morgan is interested.
INT. MORGAN’S HOME – LATER
Morgan’s husband warns her to stay out of Daniel’s way — he’s dangerous and if he will beat his wife, he won’t think twice about beating Morgan if he runs into her. Stick with her little mind control stuff.
INT. CAFE – EVENING
Bridget tells Morgan what shelter women need most to leave, citing one resident that Morgan will try to help with confidence and bruise healing.
INT. MORGAN’S HOME – LATER
Morgan watches an NMT lesson, tries the technique and seems to feel better. Her husband warns her about interfering, but the shelter’s current residents need support, courage and empowerment.
INT. POLICE STATION – EVENING
A wife Morgan has “helped” breaks the nose of her husband during a fight. Rod thinks it’s abuse, but Cinda checks the records and says it’s merely the wife fighting back instead of taking the beatings like usual. He ponders.
INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – TWO WEEKS LATER
Bridget tells Morgan that the woman they talked about has healed and developed the confidence needed to get a job at her old financial planning firm. Morgan is gratified and gets the name and situation of someone else at the shelter.
INT. POLICE STATION – MORNING
Cinda tells Rod about how successful Morgan has been. He is skeptical and wonders if it’s ethical.
INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – TWO WEEKS LATER
Bridget, Cinda and Morgan shares Morgan’s successes. She shares books and web addresses for the training and the other guild women join her in learning Silva and NMT.
INT. CLASSROOM – DAY
Morgan asks the Silva instructor if Silva from a distance is legally OK. He says the law doesn’t recognize it as a true power and likens it to offering “thoughts and prayers” which is always OK.
INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – TWO WEEKS LATER
The shelter woman tells the group that three women who were repeat tenants of the shelter have now found the courage to leave their abusers for good. Morgan wonders if it is ethical when one woman punched her abuser in the gut after he hit her.
INT. POLICE STATION – DAY
Cinda find ways to lock up a couple more abusers on second calls by focusing on getting her boss to look more favorably on preventing further domestic violence.
INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – TWO WEEKS LATER
Rhonda says that Amber came through the ER with a broken wrist. She again refused to press charges when consulted privately but Daniel hovered and eventually took her home. Morgan, now with true purpose, resolves to help Amber.
INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING
Daniel threatens to kill Morgan if she continues to put thoughts of leaving into his wife’s head. Daniel says he knows she’s violated the restraining order. Morgan is baffled, visibly shaken and shuts off the NMT video she was watching.
INT. POLICE STATION – MORNING
Cinda works on her boss to take abusive patterns into consideration more often in charging — including checking hospital records, police calls, and shelter info before releasing an abuser.
INT. CAFE – EVENING
The guild ladies tell Morgan she is making a difference. Emily does pro bono legal work fora stream of women, Rod talks to the men while Cinda talks to the women on domestic disturbance calls and Bridget has more women and children leaving her shelter in success.
INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING
Morgan gives abused women strength, takes away their fear and emotional pain and gives them the confidence to act. Silva can’t be used for evil. Gavin says define evil. A man beating his wife? A wife striking back? She ponders.
INT. ER – EVENING
Amber is wheeled in by paramedics, but won’t press charges saying she has been cut off from all of her friends, has no money or credit, no job, internet or car keys and Daniel has said he will take the kids if she leaves.
INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – EVENING
Rhonda relays Amber’s predicament to the guild and they decide to use all of their combined efforts to empower Amber to protect herself and her children.
INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING
Gavin supports Morgan in court to fight the renewal of the restraining order. He worries that if Daniel finds out about her mind control work, the may say she is violating the restraining order.
INT. RICHARDS HOME – EVENING
Amber hasn’t done something to Richard’s exacting taste and he slaps her around for it. Her bruises aren’t even healed. She hides her anger until he leaves and then says, “No more.”
INT. RICHARDS HOME – MORNING
Amber retrieves her hidden stash of pain pills from her ER visits. She contemplates them.
INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – EVENING
Rhonda fears for Amber’s life because Daniel’s violence is escalating. The guild does Silva and NMT together to empower Amber to take care of herself and protect herself and her kids.
INT. RICHARDS KITCHEN – DAY
Amber bakes Richard’s favorite dessert and gets the kids to be early so that he and mommy can have a special dinner. Amber is smiling.
INT. RICHARDS LIVING ROOM – EVENING
Amber hands Daniel a big piece of cake and a cup of coffee. She excuses herself to clean up the kitchen.
INT. RICHARDS LIVING ROOM – LATER
Daniel is sleeping deeply in his recliner. With surgical precision, Amber positions the knife over his heart and pushes it in with great force. She pulls the knife out, waits, and checks to see that he is no longer breathing. Then she calmly calls the police.
INT. POLICE STATION – LATER
Amber is in an interrogation room, her fresh bruise obvious, her manner stoic. Cinda asks her what happened. She explains, ending that this was her only choice.
INT. POLICE STATION – DAY
Rod talks to the prosecutor about the guild’s work in encouraging women to fight back. There is now a history of women harming their abusers because of the guild. The prosecutor charges the guild members as accessories.
INT. POLICE STATION – LATER
The guild members, even Cinda, are all in separate interview rooms, charged as accessories to murder.
INT. MORGAN’S HOME – NIGHT
Morgan’s husband will testify if needed that she never talked to Amber and that all she did was the equivalent of thoughts and prayers.
INT. COURT ROOM – DAY
One after another, guild members testify to “thoughts and prayers” only. On cross-examination, they say that their prayers were asking that she would be strong and heal quickly, never that she hurt her husband. If Daniel was abusing Amber and she saw no other way out, it was self-defense.
INT COURT ROOM – DAY
Amber’s stabbing of Daniel is determined to be self-defense and she is ordered to counseling, but not deemed a danger to herself or her kids. The guild celebrates.
INT COURT ROOM – DAY
The guild presents a passionate defense including the Silva teacher who swears he wasn’t involved. The charges are dropped.
INT. DESIGN STUDIO – DAY
Morgan is working with a female designer who says her neighbor is being beaten by her husband. Morgan hands her a Silva book with a link to NMT training written inside the front cover. “Thoughts and Prayers” are about all you can do.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Janeen Johnson.
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Janeen,
I am asking if I may review your essence outline, and would you please review mine. Please let me know. Thank you.
John Budinscak
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John,
Sounds good.
Janeen
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Thanks Janeen. I’ll tell you upfront my essence outline is little long. All thoughts, insights, comments are appreciated. Thank you.
John B.
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Janeen,
I think you did a great job. I thoroughly enjoyed your story, it’s very interesting and with a timely subject matter. I really like your Dramatic Question.
You laid everything out nicely, the 9 beats match up perfectly. You built suspense and conflict, and your Main Conflict easily carries throughout Acts II and III. Great job with the Essence Outline, I’m envious.
Your story flowed really well, very easy to read and with an ending the audience will enjoy. Very well done.
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Hey Jeneen,
Wow….you really knocked this out of the park! All of the 9 points were well crafted. Your characters feel real and their motivations feel true. Below is my stream of thoughts as I was reading your outline, in real time.
* Something as simple as the kids not being bed setting off Daniel feels very real. This instantly sets Daniel up to be a scary villain. I hate him already!
* I’m curious what brought Morgan to the Woman’s Shelter?
* I was confused on what Silva was at first. It might help to explain what Silva is and how it’s practiced, early in the script.
* This domestic violence is going to be hard to watch. Very powerful! Ah no! Not the kids too!
* Just an idea…it might be fun to see Morgan testing out her hypnosis skills on other people, before attempting to help a domestic violence victim. Maybe she practices on her husband? Or someone in public…
* I’m really digging the ethical questions this story raises. Is it abuse? Was it self defense? These are questions that your viewers will ponder over drinks after watching your movie. The best movies keep you thinking long after the movie is over.
* I really hope Daniel gets his comeuppance!
* Damn! She killed him! The sweet way she made him desert, only to stab him later was terrifying, yet deserved.
Overall, this really struck a chord with me. Great job! I can’t wait to see some fully written scenes.
Thanks,
Rob Bertrand
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Hello, Janeen!
I like what you wrote. Good creative move: Silva Mind Control. Did you speak with them in developing the concept and story?
Some questions: How does Morgan help Amber “from a distance”? Did you consult a lawyer re: the Guild as accessories to Murder? It seems a weak case against them. But the story logic works beautfully. I like your narrative style in the Outline which is an example of what you were saying to me about eliminating dialogue and just unfold the story. You practice what you preach, Janeen, and it works.
There is excellent set-up and pay-off throughout also.
Nice job!
Loved the intro of Silva into the storyline.
Bob
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This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by
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I’m looking for an exchange for my essence outline. I’m happy to trade critiques with anyone, please let me know. Thank you.
John Budinscak
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John,
Enjoyable read!
A few questions:
How old are Puck and Sal? I pictured them 10-12 until I saw that one of them was in love with Traci, then I thought teens.
I would like to see more “why the action in this scene is important” info in the scene outlines. I guess I wanted to see the character arc as well as the plot arc. How did this scene change the boys? What did they take away from this that made them look at the world differently and how did the discovery of this new info/lesson unfold scene by scene during the trip? Is it coming of age for them? (I loved their heroics with the caskets and FBI guy’s gun!). It was clear their opinion of Jack changed, but I wasn’t sure that the scene descriptions delivered on the “a shady uncle teaches his two stowaway nephews about life and family” from the concept.
I love the action, road trip, details, etc. I found myself confused about the real role of the FBI and what Jack was supposed to be informing on — presumably Don Vito, but then why are the FBI the bad guys?
It took me a while to get that this was a tale being told by Puck (or at least from the boys’ POV even though they were asleep for a lot of it). When adult Puck (PRESENT DAY) showed up around Scene 14, it cleared up a lot.
By Scene 20, it seems like more of a vacation than a business trip, but then I don’t know what the partner in crime’s role is or why Jack would consider leaving his nephews with LC.
Dry ice emits carbon dioxide (not monoxide). It has the effect you want, so no biggie. Just need to correct the word.
It’s clear that Driver is a “good guy” as far as Jack is concerned, but I wasn’t sure if he was affiliated with Don Vito, the FBI, the partner in crime, or none of the above. While it adds to the tension during the movie, it should be explained how he got involved at the end.
I definitely had a lot of questions and wanted to know more by the end of the outline. You have a flair for establishing the settings, mood and film noir style action. I liked Jack’s situational ethics — he’ll reform, then not so much, in rapid succession. :-> There were a few loose ends — who’s in the body bag, what was in the cooler (the body? How big was that cooler? Did the boys sneak a peek?), and why Don Vito was in LA when they got there.
On a humorous note, I used to live near Atlantic City and a woman I worked with had grown up around there and said sometimes when people called a certain restaurant to make a reservation for a month out, the owner would say they couldn’t do it because that would be the week after the fire so they’d be closed. Apparently, fires were used whenever a renovation/update was needed. :->
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Janeen,
Thank you for reading my story and I appreciate your questions and comments – they identify all areas I need to address.
Let me clear up a couple of points that should have been made clear from the start: the boys are 10-12 years old, Driver was sent by Jack’s friend LC to be their guardian angel for the trip without Jack knowing – he’s a good guy. The FBI’s role – they’re essentially the same as the other antagonist, they just wear different suits – bad guys. I’ll address the body bag and the cooler, too.
I appreciate the insights on the outline showing character arc and plot arc. I will address it for the updated version. Now you know why I told you I was envious of your essence outline. Thank you for your help.
John B.
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Hi, John!
I’d love to exchange with you but I can’t get to it until tomorrow. My outline is at the top of page 3. A gave yours a cursory glance and it caught my attention as a “Buddy Aventure movie.” Certainly has interesting characters, locations, setups and payoffs.
Talk to you soon.
Bob
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Bob,
Sounds good. I’ll take a look at your story and get back with you later today. No sweat about getting back to me until tomorrow, not an issue at all. I look forward to see where you’ve taken you story. Talk to you soon.
John B.
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Pablo Soriano’s Outline Version 2
CONCEPT: A Mexican family attempting to sneak across the border think they have a guardian angel when a drone begins to drop off food and supplies, when in actuality that they are being televised on the dark web as Americans place bets on their success and are simply trying to give them the advantage for their own gain.
PLOT CHOICE: Sacrifice
CHARACTER STUCTURE: Dramatic Triangle? (Thriller)
LEAD CHARACTERS:
A. Protagonist – Irma Escandon, Mexican mother of two young boys, trying to illegally cross the border in hopes to give her family a better life.
B. Antagonist(s) – Sapo, a gangster enforcer for the casino that Irma’s husband owes money to. Frank Kazakowski, an ex-drug smuggler that runs and produces a secret gambling ring that televises illegal immigrants attempting to cross the border.
C. Secondary Protagonist – Miguel, a semi-professional gamer that needs money to help his sick mother so he places a bet on the Escandon family to safely cross and finds a way to cheat.
DRAMATIC QUESTION: Can Irma take her two sons safely across the Chihuahua Desert to the US to escape the clutches of the gangsters that killed her husband.
MAIN CONFLICT: With the use of drones, a group secretly working with the border patrol creates a gambling game show on the dark web where they live-stream illegal immigrants attempting to cross the border— Irma and her sons are the show’s newest “contestants.”
DILEMMA: Does Irma stay in her small village and work for the bookies to pay off her husband’s debts or attempt to illegally cross the border to Texas at the risk of getting caught?
THEME: If there is no risk, there can be no reward.
CHARACTER ARC:
Due to a string of bad luck, Irma realizes she has to make her own luck when she makes the difficult decision to sneak across the border with her two sons and in the process she learns what it means to take big risks in order to succeed.
1. Opening
After getting caught using drones to smuggle drugs across the border, Frank Kazakowski and his crew are given an ultimatum by the border patrol: Either use the drones to help catch illegal immigrants or go to prison. No more drug running for the Mexican Cartel.
Now broke due to her deadbeat husband’s drinking and gambling, Irma takes what little money she has to buy bus tickets out of their small, Mexican village to Texas where she and her two young boys can start a new life.
Miguel must find a way to make some extra funds to help his aging mother after she is diagnosed with Alzheimers. Since she is an undocumented immigrant, she has very limited health coverage. Miguel does not make enough money as a professional gamer so he looks to help her using illegal means.
2. Inciting Incident
When her husband is murdered and her home is burglarized by the bookies/gangsters that he owed money to, the bus tickets are all she has left. Sapo, a gangster, tells Irma she must pay back her husband’s debt or she and her two sons have to work for the casino until it’s paid off.
While browsing through the darkweb to find a fake ID and social security number for his mother, Miguel finds a livestream of several Mexican families marching through the desert. Digging deeper, he discovers that this is a twisted game show where viewers can bet on migrants chances of making it across the border.
Frank needs to maintain his expensive lifestyle after being forced to retire from drug smuggling. With dozens of drones at his disposal, he and his crew create a gambling ring where they livestream immigrants attempting to cross the border. All the while, fooling the border patrol into thinking he is simply keeping surveillance along the border.
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.
Without passports, Irma and her sons can only make it as far as Samalayuca, right on the border of Texas. From there, they join a small caravan with the same goal of crossing the border through the Chihuahua Desert. Sapo and Frank once worked together back when Frank smuggled in drugs. He gets in contact with Frank and gives him a tip on the caravan in return for ensuring Irma and her sons get caught by border patrol so that they are brought back to their small town. As the caravan sets out, Frank’s fleet of drones locates them and stealthily records their every move. Viewers begin to place their bets. Miguel is one of these viewers and starts to build a drone himself with the intention of joining in on the game.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1
When the caravan discovers the drones are following them, many branch out and split up to avoid being captured with the group. Irma reluctantly breaks away from the caravan. Frank is able to identify her and her sons by Sapo’s description. He projects her odds as extremely low. Miguel makes sure to place a bet on her as he finishes building his custom drone.
5. Mid-Point
Irma and her sons are struggling as they make the trek through the hot desert. Along the way, they find a package with water. Further along, they find another with food. They discover it is a drone that has been dropping them off. And this drone is different from the others. Miguel guides his drone back to them to deliver a map of the terrain. Irma and her sons now have an ally and chance to actually make it to Texas.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2
After Miguel’s drone drops off another package for Irma and her sons, his drone is spotted by Franks live-stream. Frank sends the drone to follow Miguel’s back to his home in El Paso when it needs to recharge. Right when his drone is about to return to him, Miguel realizes his is being followed. He kamikaze crashes his drone into the other to take it down. He grabs both broken drones and quickly takes his mother from their home to a safe location. Miguel is now unable to provide any supplies to Irma and her family as the days are getting hotter.
7. Crisis
Irma’s and her sons are famished and exhausted. Back at Frank’s headquarters, we see X marks over the faces of several “contestants” as money (crypto) begins to pour in. Most have been caught, some are dead. As the remaining members of the caravan get closer to the borderline, Frank gives their exact coordinates to the border patrol. Frank’s team also narrows in on Miguel’s home and sends a couple of goons to take him out. With Irma unable to move quickly, most of the remaining drones are assigned to her. Frank makes another call to the border patrol.
8. Climax
As Frank’s goons break into Miguel’s house, Miguels webcam and mic is left on and records them talking about Frank’s secret gambling ring. After Miguel and his mother are nowhere to be found, the goons leave.
Realizing that the drones are mostly focused on her, Irma convinces her sons to wait behind so that she can draw most of the drones away from them. When she does, the boys are able to take down the few remaining drones and make it across the border undetected.
When Frank realizes that Irma tricks him, he launches drones at her. They force her off a cliff and she dies from the fall.
Irma’s sons are quickly caught by the border patrol after Frank notifies the Border Patrol. They are detained but they are not to be deported. Because they are minors, they are taken to a refugee facility where they are to be looked after until they are old enough to be sent back to Mexico.
9. Resolution
Frank scores another big payday, and as the fleet of drones returns to their makeshift runway, he notices that one is not working properly. He sees that it is slightly damaged and the camera is still on. This was the drone that followed Miguel’s. Miguel was able to repair it and reconfigure it so that he was in control. He flew it back to follow the rest of the drones and find the location of Frank’s operation. Suddenly, police arrive at the scene and arrest Frank and his crew. Meanwhile, Miguel and his mother sit safely with neighbors (also gamers), looking at Frank on a computer screen as he is handcuffed. It is revealed that Miguel tipped off the authorities and provided them with his own webcam footage as well as his drone footage of the whole ordeal. With all the documentation, Irma’s entire story has gained national attention as she is praised for her sacrifice.
After being fined for his involvement, Miguel starts an online fundraiser to help out his mother who eventually dies from her illnesses. After her death, he decides to volunteer at the refugee center where Irma’s sons are. He applies to become a foster parent and takes the two boys back to his home where he teaches them how to build drones and play video games.
1. EXT – TEXAS BORDER – DAY
A drone hovers over a group of migrants as they attempt to climb the border wall. They are immediately stopped by the border patrol.
2. INT – BORDER PATROL STATION, EL PASO, TX – DAY
Frank and Border Patrol officers watch the arrest of the migrants on a monitor showing the drone video feed. Frank was recently caught smuggling in drugs using his drones but instead of turning him in, the border patrol forces him to work for them to help them catch illegal immigrants on the condition that he stop smuggling drugs and not let a single immigrant get past his drones otherwise he will be sent to prison.
3. INT – IRMA’S HOME, VILLA JUAREZ, MX – DAY
After picking up her sons from detention for making projectile weapons out of school supplies, Irma comes home to find that her husband, Ricardo, ransacked their house to feed his gambling addiction. Irma makes a pact with her neighbor, Elena, to save up to get passports for her and her two sons and buy bus tickets to the United States. A gangster from the casino named Sapo comes by asking for Ricardo to collect a debt but he isn’t there.
3. INT. HOSPITAL, EL PASO, TX – DAY
Miguel brings his mother in for tests and doctors diagnose her with Alzheimers. Medical treatment is expensive since she is an undocumented immigrant and her insurance is limited.
4. INT. FRANK’S STUDIO – DAY
Frank meets up with his team where they have dozens of drones and an elaborate operation. He explains to his team the conditions that were set by the border patrol to avoid prison.
5. INT. FACTORY – DAY
Irma works at a maquiladora when her husband, Ricardo, shows up asking for money. She asks her supervisor for an advance to get her husband to leave.
6. INT. MIGUEL’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Miguel puts his mother to bed. After playing a video game tournament online for some extra money, he uses a VPN to open a private browser and go on the dark web in search of social security numbers and IDs to fake his mother’s citizenship for cheaper coverage. In doing so, he finds a Frank’s video feed of migrants camping in the desert.
7. INT. FRANK’S STUDIO – NIGHT
Frank needs a source of income now that his drug smuggling operation has been compromised. With the use of the drones, Frank’s production team is secretly live-streaming migrants attempting to cross the border on the dark web. They are taking in bets from viewers on the odds that they make it across.
8. EXT. IRMA’S HOME – NIGHT
After work, Irma gets home to find that her neighbors’ chickens were stolen by Ricardo. Fed up, she decides to use the advance paycheck to buy bus tickets to Ciudad Juarez at the border of Texas.
9. INT. MIGUEL’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Miguel begins to build a custom drone with the intention of buying in on the gambling gameshow he found on the dark web and using it to gain the advantage.
10. EXT. CASINO PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Irma takes her two sons and arrives at the casino looking for Ricardo to tell him that she is leaving him and taking the boys but when she arrives she is told that Ricardo was assaulted by security and taken to the hospital.
11. EXT. IRMA’S NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT
Irma returns to her house to find it burglarized and all of their money stolen by the people that Ricardo owed money to. The police arrive to tell her that Ricardo died of his injuries. All Irma has left is three bus tickets to Texas.
12. INT. ELENA’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Sapo wakes them up to tell Irma that she had to pay back Ricardo’s debt or she and her sons would have to work for the casino to pay it off. She tells him yes but actually plans to leave town in the morning. Elena tells her to meet her cousin in Salamuyuca and that he would help her sneak past the border.
13. INT. BUS STATION – MORNING
After Irma doesn’t show up for work, Sapo interrogates Elena to find out where Irma is headed. Irma and her sons narrowly beat Sapo and his men to the station and escape.
13. EXT. MIGUEL’S HOUSE – MORNING
Miguel lives in Tornillo, close to the borderline. He finishes building his drone and tests it by flying out into the desert looking for the migrants on the gameshow.
14. INT. FRANK’S STUDIO – DAY
Sapo calls Frank as it is revealed that Sapo was one the drug dealers that Frank used to smuggle drugs for. Sapo gives him information about a caravan en route and asks Frank to find and make sure Irma and her two sons are caught at the border.
15. EXT. SAMALAYUCA – DAY
Without passports, Irma and her sons cannot enter the states so they meet with Elena’s cousin who is a coyote and he adds them to the caravan he is guiding to Texas.
16. INT. FRANK’S STUDIO – DAY
Thanks to Sapo’s intel, Frank’s drones find the caravan and are able to identify Irma and her sons. He holds his end of the deal and keeps a drone on her as he projects her odds to make it across to be extremely low.
17. EXT. CHIHUAHUA DESERT – DAY
When members of the caravan discover that they are being followed by drones, many split up to avoid getting caught, forcing Irma and her sons to continue the trek alone.
18. INT. MIGUEL’S HOUSE – DAY
Miguel tunes into the game show and sees Irma’s odds and decides to bet on her. He finds the caravan using the drone and uses it to drop off food and water for Irma. Using the drone, Miguel tries to guide her to safe passage.
19. INT. FRANK’S STUDIO – DAY
Frank discovers Miguel’s drone. When Miguel has to bring it back to be recharged, Frank sends one of his to follow it and finds out where Miguel lives.
20. EXT. CHIHUAHUA DESERT – DAY
Irma’s sons figure out that the drones rotate shifts. They have solar panels on them so when they need to recharge they simply shut down as others fly over to continue to follow them.
21. EXT. MIGUEL’S HOUSE – DAY
As his drone approaches, Miguel realizes that it was followed and crashes his drone into Frank’s to take it down. He immediately takes his mother and leaves the house to hide somewhere.
22. EXT. CHIHUAHUA DESERT – DAY
Irma and her sons find drones that are recharging and they destroy as many as they can find.
23. INT. FRANK’S STUDIO – DAY
Frank is furious and sends even more drones to follow Irma. He then sends some of his team to go out and find Miguel.
24. INT. MIGUEL’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Frank’s men break into Miguel’s house but don’t find anyone there. Little do they know that Miguel’s webcam and mic are still as they search for him and discuss Frank’s operation.
25. EXT. CHIHUAHUA DESERT – NIGHT
Realizing the drones were more focused on Irma, she comes up with a plan to split up with her sons in order to draw most of the drones away from them. When they are a safe distance away, Irma’s sons use the projectile weapons they made in school to take down the few drones that followed them and make a break for the border.
26. INT. FRANK’S STUDIO – NIGHT
When Frank realizes that the boys make it across the border, he notifies the border patrol. In a rage he launches a drone straight at Irma.
27. EXT. CHIHUAHUA DESERT – NIGHT
Irma is attacked by the drones as they force her off of a steep cliff, killing her.
27. EXT. EL PASO – NIGHT
As Irma’s sons cross the border, they are immediately caught. They are not deported, as by law, the US is obliged to shelter any unaccompanied minors and provide care until they are 18 years of age.
28. INT. FRANK’S STUDIO – EARLY MORNING
After all members of the caravan are caught by the border patrol, Frank’s team wraps it up and brings in any working drone back to their facility for repairs and maintenance. They also bring in a big haul of money from their secret gambling ring. When checking all the drones, they realize that one has it’s camera still on and isn’t responding to the remote control.
29. INT. MIGUEL’S NEIGHBOR’S HOUSE – MORNING
When Miguel crashed his drone into Frank’s, he took it and quickly repaired and reconfigured it to work with his remote and on his computer. From his neighbor’s house, he was able to fly it back in time to follow the rest of the fleet back to Frank’s studio. He is already in communication with the authorities and gives them Frank’s location.
30. INT. FRANK’S STUDIO – MORNING
With the evidence from Miguel’s webcam, the authorities arrive at Frank’s studio and arrest him for his crimes. They eventually find the video where Frank kills Irma and uncover the evidence of his drug smuggling operation. His secret partnership with the border patrol is a nationally covered scandal.
29. INT. MIGUEL’S HOUSE – MORNING
Miguel avoids jail time but has to pay a hefty fine for his involvement in the gambling ring. The best he could do for his mother was start an online fundraiser within his gaming community which helps a bit. But eventually his mother succumbs to her illness.
30. INT. REFUGEE SHELTER – DAY
Irma’s sons have now been in the states for over a year. After applying to become a foster parent for child refugees, Miguel shows up at the shelter with the intention of looking after Irma’s sons.
31. INT. MIGUEL’S HOUSE – MORNING
Miguel teaches the boys how to build custom PCs and drones. The boys show a natural talent as they install projectile launchers on their own drones and shoot at targets.
THE END
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Pablo,
This is the first time I’ve read your outline since the initial draft and you’ve done an excellent job. I like the things you added – the ending, more detail on Ricardo’s gambling and those looking to collect, Irma’s sons’ role and especially Irma! I was surprised that Irma died, but I completely understand why, and I really like how the stories of Irma and Miguel converge – and Miguel becomes a foster parent and responsible for Irma’s sons. Very nice touch.
I like the character structure you selected and how you wove the three stories together. Again, very nice. The Dramatic Question was challenged throughout and answered in the final act. Your Main Conflict was active throughout your story.
I really enjoyed your story and what you added – very readable, it flows and I liked the ending. I think you nailed it. Your Essence Outline is well done. It does contain more than the suggested 1-2 sentences per scene, but it made the story very easy to read. Pablo, great job!
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Budinscak – Get to the Essence Version 2
a. Concept:
In 1986, two preteen cousins learn about life and family on a cross-country journey with their shady uncle, a chef who’s agreed to personally deliver a package from upstate NY to Burbank, CA to save his family restaurant from being burned to the ground.
b. Plot Choice:
Adventure. This is a road trip movie.
c. Character Structure
Buddy movie
d. Lead Characters
My protagonist is Jack, scoundrel, helluva chef, he’s the uncle of the two nephews and the tour guide for the boys.
My antagonist1 is Puck, a nephew who is book smart, clingy and honest to a fault who challenges Jack every turn.
My antagonist2 is Sal, a nephew who is street smart, a wiseass and sneaky. He’s a little too-like Jack for Jack to trust.
Antagonist is defined as the one who changes the protagonist from his current state and not the person who prevents him from achieving his goal.
Key Supporting Character is Don Vito, a local crime boss who sends Jack on his journey.
Antagonist in the sense of preventing Jack from accomplishing his goal, but Don Vito is not a main character.
e. Dramatic Question:
Will Jack be able to save the family’s restaurant?
f. Main Conflict:
How does Jack combat two inquisitive, sneaky kids or will the boys simply wear their uncle down?
g. Dilemma:
Will Jack take on responsibility and be accountable for his nephews OR will he ditch them so he can have the fun he planned and maybe be a little late delivering the package.
h. Theme:
You don’t have to be related to be family. Those who show up when you need them, that’s family.
i: Character Arc of Lead Character:
Jack is completely self-centered, me first me only a-hole type of a guy who completely dislikes his two nephews. He evolves to a caring uncle who places the needs of his nephew above his own.
What he wants: absolutely no accountability to anyone.
What he needs: to take care of those around him, specifically his nephews.
Old trait: self centered, me first a-hole.
Changed to: caring and protective uncle.
Puck will grow from clingy and insecure to having confidence and a little swagger.
Sal will change from a sneaky wiseass to a valued confidant.
j. Structure of your screenplay (9 beats one sentence each)
Opening: while an extended family dines in their restaurant, a brother (Jack) is outside watching men struggle with the body bag they’re removing from a hearse. The body bag jerks around wildly.
Inciting Incident: a local crime boss asks Jack for a favor: personally deliver a package for him and he won’t burn the family restaurant to the ground.
By page 10 you know what the movie is about: Jack agrees to make the long journey to save the family’s restaurant.
First turning point at the end of Act 1: Jack wakes up in his Cadillac in Terre Haute to find his two incorrigible preteen nephews pop up in the backseat.
Mid-point: Jack averts a crisis in an Oklahoma truck stop when he beats a trucker how had Puck trapped in a bathroom stall. The boys have never seen this side of their uncle and never want to again.
Second turning point at the end of Act 2: In Las Vegas, Jack loses all his money, is turned down by an old girlfriend he contacted and is shaken down by the FBI.
Crisis: When his nephews’ lives are in peril from carbon monoxide poisoning, Jack promises God he’ll change his ways – and tries to recant immediately when one of his nephews moves.
Climax: Jack delivers the package on time to the funeral home, but is separated from the boys. The boys trick their captor and come back to save their uncle – and Jack saves the day.
Resolution:
Jack and the boys take a red-eye to the east coast, pick up their mothers at JFK where Jack tries to explain the differences in his two nephews to their very wary mothers.
Outline:
FADE IN:
SUPER: 1986
EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Carmine’s, a restaurant, sits on one end of a large parking lot with a funeral home on the opposite side.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
KITCHEN
JACK displays his natural flair in the kitchen as well as a dark side when he hides a wad of cash in a loaf of Italian bread he slices in one movement. He stashes the loaf on a shelf.
Radio – news report, key government witness has gone missing.
DINING ROOM
PUCK and SAL, preteen cousins, study a wall covered with pictures from family events held at the restaurant over the years. An extended family bonds over food and drinks as they discuss a family reunion.
EXT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
Jack watches MEN struggle to remove a wildly jerking body bag from a hearse. Jack turns, steps on a cat’s tail – it screams – and the men look over.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
KITCHEN
Carmine’s is empty. Jack grabs the loaf of cash and heads out the door.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – NIGHT
A limo carrying a local crime boss is parked in the funeral home garage. The men from the hearse approach Don Vito and point to Jack crossing the parking lot.
Inciting Incident:
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
The Don questions Jack about what he saw and Jack denies seeing anything. The Don asks a favor, personally deliver a package for me and I won’t burn your restaurant to the ground. Jack agrees to make the trip.
By page 10, you know what the movie is about:
To protect his family’s restaurant, Jack agrees to make a long trip to deliver a package for Don Vito.
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
To get a glimpse of their personalities, Sal overhears Jack saying he’s making a trip to Atlantic City and sees his chance. He gets Puck to join him and they lie to their aunts about where they’re staying for the night.
EXT. PARKING LOT – DAY
Jack drives his Cadillac to the funeral home for modifications. The nephews dart across the parking lot chasing their uncle.
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
In the casket display room, Sal tricks Puck into getting in an open casket, then closing the lid – Puck goes bonkers and wants a piece of Sal.
INT. FUNERAL HOME GARAGE – DAY
A large cooler is installed in the trunk of Jack’s Caddy. A thermal blanket is tossed in the back seat and covers the floor.
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
OFFICE
Jack bangs the boys’ heads together and they complain. Aunt Cat, Jack’s sister, grabs a tablet from an aspirin bottle in Jack’s desk. It’s not aspirin.
INT. FUNERAL HOME GARAGE – DAY
As two 5-gallon ice cream containers are loaded in the cooler in the Cadillac’s trunk, two drowsy cousins slip into the backseat and hide under the thermal blanket.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack adjusts his walkman and takes off never realizing the now passed out nephews are in the car.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
A MAN wearing a dark suit, thin tie and sunglasses asks for Jack. Cat refuses to give him any info – the man gets disgusted and leaves.
JACK VO, “That guy’s FBI.” CAT VO, “FBI?!”
SUPER: TODAY
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY – PRESENT TIME
Cat quizzes Jack why the Atlantic City picture has a Lincoln Continental and NOT Jack’s Cadillac. Jack laughs.
SUPER: 1986
First turning point as end of Act 1:
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack wakes up in his car in Terra Haute (IN) and is utterly surprised when the two boys pop up in the back seat. Puck and Sal are also very surprised – they expected to be in Atlantic City.
EXT. PICNIC GROUNDS – DAY
Jack meets one of his friends, Lincoln Clogs, LC, from Terra Haute and asks if he can keep the boys busy until he can figure out what he’s going to do with them. Jack’s not happy.
EXT. PICNIC GROUNDS – DAY
Puck, Sal, DOC & RICO (LC’s men) race go-carts and go to the shooting gallery. Puck doesn’t know how to hold a gun, Sal makes fun of him – they have to be separated.
EXT. PICNIC GROUNDS – DAY
Jack, Puck and Sal wave goodbye to LC and everyone as their journey begins. LC looks around and asks who took his tape recorder.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Five minutes into the trip the boys fight, they’re hungry and they have to go to the bathroom. Jack yells at them.
EXT. DINER PARKING LOT – DAY
They stop by a restaurant outside of St Louis, but never go in. Near an idling box truck, a man talks on a payphone in the restaurant parking lot as he watches Jack’s Caddy.
INT. TRUCK – DAY
Jack and the boys pick up a tail – a box truck follows. The truck driver has Love and Hate tattooed on his knuckles.
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
The boys question their uncle about the restaurant, what family means to Uncle Jack, etc. The boys are fine for just a short while before they start fighting again – Jack’s had enough.
EXT. REST AREA – NIGHT
Jack buys snacks for the boys and ice for the cooler. Jack puts a little something in the boys’ drinks – he drugs them – to help them sleep.
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
The nephews sleep, Jack drives like a madman. He thinks he’s being tailed and pulls into the Truck Stop in Oklahoma.
Mid-point:
INT, TRUCK STOP BATHROON – NIGHT
Sal leans on the stall Puck occupies – Puck doesn’t feel good. A trucker comes in, makes a comment and pushes Sal out of the way.
EXT. TRUCK STOP – NIGHT
Jack intently watches a box truck exit the parking lot. Sal runs up to his uncle and drags him inside.
INT. TRUCK STOP BATHROOM – NIGHT
Sal watches in awe as Jack beats the trucker who had Puck trapped. Crisis averted, but Puck is traumatized. Sal is now wary of his uncle.
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
They ride in silence before Puck and Sal reveal they’re terrified of their uncle, and Jack contemplates how to best use this new information to his advantage. He practices divide and conquer.
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
Jack has one nephew sit up front at a time. He teaches Sal one of his favorite recipes while letting the kid drive the Caddy. Great times for Sal even though his uncle called him out for being a sneaky little shit.
EXT. TRAVEL LODGE PARKING LOT – NIGHT
At a Travel Lodge, Jack fills the cooler with ice and looks around before going to his room.
A van slows by the hotel entrance and parks on the street facing the hotel.
INT. VAN – NIGHT
A hooded figure slouches in the driver’s seat. Hate tattooed on the knuckles of his right hand, the one cradling a gun.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Puck’s turn – Jack gives him a pep talk. He learns about family and has a blast steering the Caddy. Both boys enjoy playing ‘Uncle Jack’ games.
EXT. HIGHWAY – NIGHT
The Caddy cruises down the highway and the nighttime view and lights of the Las Vegas strip comes in focus. A van follows the Cadillac.
EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT
No hotel tonight. The Cadillac pulls into a large parking lot and parks in a back corner facing the front. A van parks far enough away not to be noticed.
INT. HOTEL PARKING LOT – DAY
Jack’s enthusiasm carries over to the boys while they look around their hotel.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY
Jack buys the boys ‘outfits’ for the day. The boys emulate their uncle getting ready – dressing just like him.
INT. HOTEL CASINO – DAY
Ready for action, Jack and the nephews take one step in the casino and are tossed. Someone recommends Circus Circus where kids can play, too.
Second turning point at the end of Act 2:
INT. CIRCUS CIRCUS – DAY
Jack loses all his money in the casino while the boys thrive playing their games. Puck and Sal are pumped and Jack’s pissed off.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
Puck and Sal offer their winnings to their uncle to make him feel better. Jack actually relaxes with his nephews. He plans a special treat for them, but it’s interrupted by the FBI.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – LATER
While his nephews hide in the closet, Jack’s taunted by two FBI guys. They brag about the money they made from Don Vito. And now they shake Jack down to help them squeeze even more money from the Don.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
Finally alone, Jack and the boys sit down and devise a plan how to evade the FBI duo, get a few bucks for the ride and ice for the cooler. The boys follow every word their uncle says.
EXT. HOTEL PARKING LOT – DAY
Jack, Puck and Sal watch the FBI takes off on a wild goose chase after the wrong Cadillac. They sneak out going in an opposite direction. A flatbed tow truck follows.
INT. CADILLAC – DAY
Jack and the boys get into a heated conversation and Puck pinpoints the reason/event for Jack’s hard feelings. They begin to argue vehemently.
INT. CADIALLAC TRUNK – DAY
A small leak in the cooler allows carbon dioxide top seep into the Cadillac’s interior. Puck and Sal drop off to sleep first, then Jack.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
The FBI overtake the wrong Cadillac. The FBI spots a helicopter idling in an adjacent field, they claim command of the copter and force the pilot to take off.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Driver watches Jack’s Cadillac veer off the road. It bounces wildly riding half on asphalt, half on the shoulder of the road. There’s potential danger just ahead.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
The flatbed tow truck bounces into the Caddy, then cuts in front stopping the car from plunging down the hillside/serious accident.
INT. CADILLAC – LATER
Jack wakes to find the tow truck driver pulling him from the Caddy. Driver explains LC sent him to watch over Jack and the boys for the trip. Both men pull out the still unconscious Sal and Puck.
Crisis:
EXT. SIDE OF HIGHWAY – DAY
Jack pleads to God that if he saves his nephews, he’ll turn his life around. As soon as he finishes, Sal moves – Jack immediately recants, but stops.
Driver loads the dented Caddy on the flatbed and covers it with a tarp.
INT. FLATBED TOW TRUCK – DAY
Sal tries whatever can to help his cousin, Puck – he’s worried. Jack goes through Puck’s backpack and pulls out a number of items including a tape recorder from LC. Jack smiles when he hears the FBI talking.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
The FBI manned helicopter flies overhead looking for Jack’s Caddy. They don’t realize the car is covered on the tow truck.
EXT. LOS ANGELES – DAY
The tow truck cruises by famous LA landmarks while the boys hang out the windows taking in the views.
Montage of shots for the landmarks – Hollywood sign, Hippies and disco queens alike, tricked out cars from 60s-70s, Whiskey a Go Go, Bob’s Big Boy.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME PARKING LOT – DAY
The flatbed tow truck pulls in with a few minutes to spare.
Climax:
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
Jack gathers the ice cream containers from the cooler and hands it to the Don’s men, they carry them inside. The flatbed tow truck leaves with the Caddy on it.
INT. FUNERAL HOME LOBBY – DAY
Don Vito directs a MAN to take the kids away as he ushers Jack in another room. The contents from the ice cream containers are revealed – body parts of the key government witness from the radio broadcast.
CASKET DISPLAY ROOM
Puck bets Sal the big man can’t fit in the casket. The man hands over his gun and gets in the casket – he fits, and is locked inside.
ARRANGEMENT ROOM
Don Vito confronts Jack about the body bag at the funeral home, Jack claims ignorance as convincing as ever. Sal walks in and gets everyone’s attention.
CLICK – from the other side of the room, Puck pulls back the hammer on the revolver he’s aiming at Don Vito. Puck explains his definition of family to Don Vito.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
The FBI’s car speeds into the parking lot before it slides to a halt. Two men jump out and run to the front door.
INT. FUNERAL HOME ARRANGEMENT ROOM – DAY
FBI bust in and confront Don Vito, lots of yelling ensues. Driver quietly walks in and pumps a round into his shotgun. Everything and everyone falls silent.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
The helicopter the FBI commandeered hovers overhead while LAPD swarm the grounds. Out the back door, Driver leads Jack, Puck and Sal to the tow truck. They hop in and take off.
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
LAPD filters through the offices and rooms, no one is around.
CASKET DISPLAY ROOM
Police hear muffled yells from all the closed caskets. LAPD finds everyone they’re looking for locked in caskets.
On top of the FBI caskets, a tape with their Las Vegas confession.
Resolution:
EXT. LAX – DAY
Jack and the boys say their goodbyes to Driver and Jack’s Cadillac which remains on the flatbed.
MONTAGE OF SHOTS
The disheveled trio runs through the airport to their gate, Jet leaves LAX, Jet lands at JFK, Jack and the boys sleep on a bench near a gate.
INT. JFK GATE – DAY
Jack’s sisters (Puck and Sal’s mothers) spot the three amigos sleeping – they wake them. Sal kisses his mom – something he’s never done. Puck gives him mom a little extra squeeze – something he’s never done.
INT. LINCOLN CONTINENTAL – DAY
The mothers ask Jack why they’re in a Lincoln and not his Caddy, before he can answer, Puck jumps in.
The mothers notice a change in their boys, they ask Jack and he weaves a tale. The boys vouch for their uncle’s story and add a few nougats of their own.
EXT. CARMINE’S PARKING LOT – DAY
A picture is taken of Jack, Puck and Sal next to the Lincoln Continental.
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
The picture is posted on the wall of pictures in the restaurant.
SUPER: TODAY
INT. CARMINE’S – DAY
Present day Jack finds a crowd around him when he finishes the story.
In comes Puck and Sal and their wives. Everyone cheers.
EXT. CARMINE’S PARKING LOT – NIGHT
First thing you notice, the funeral home is now “Jack’s Place”.
There’s a large banner over a stage noting it’s the 30+ year of the family reunion and everyone celebrates. All the aunts and uncles, LC and his group, customers are there. A Vegas act performs on stage.
Driver shows up with Jack’s Cadillac fully restored.
Driver presents Jack with his keys, Jack shouts, “Who wants to go for a ride?” Puck and Sal’s kids, knockoffs of the fathers at the same age, run up waving their hands. Jack deadpans to the camera.
EXT. CARMINE’S PARKING LOT – NIGHT
A cleaning truck pulls up, two MEN get out and start picking up the trash – something they promised never to do. It’s the two disgraced FBI guys.
FADE OUT:
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Good clear logline.
Clearly defined strong characters.
Nice tension established from the beginning of this comic triangle and the setup of the story.
You mighjt consider adding material on the motivation of the crime boss to get the package out to LA to prevent destruction. is this extortion? Is he protecting the restaurant from destruction by him? or another crime boss. Wasn’t clear to me, sorry.
All the cross country adventures are entertaining and revealing of Jack’s character transformation. (I loved the implicit irony and truthfulness of vowing to God and then wanting to renege. Great that Jack always lands on his feet.
About the FBI guys working as cleaners: You may want to consider ending the story with Puck and Sal’s ‘spittin’ image’ kids wanting to go for a ride and Jack deadpanning the camera, b/c that seems logical and also former FBI working as cleaners is a stretch. Many FBI agents have law degrees and would not become cleaners, it seems to me, but the irony and comic effect I can see is unavoidable. And for that sake I could suspend disbelief.
Reading your material was fun. I like it. I hope my notes are helpful. If they’re not, of course, go with your inner muse. You have an excellent story. I’ll go see it.
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Bob,
Thanks for the kind words, I appreciate it.
JB
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John,
Reread your outline and it’s great!
Janeen
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Janeen,
Thank you! I used your outline as a model and I tried to address all your questions to ensure it flows. I appreciate you coming back and taking another look, thanks!
JB
PS – Carbon Dioxide – you’re 100% correct, great catch!
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Sorry this is so late – I’ve had a hard time with the plotting, and it gets fuzzy in the 3<sup>rd</sup> act as you can see. I welcome any feedback and suggestions and promise to return feedback on your outline!
Concept: Traveling back in time to 2028 from different points in the future, two versions of the same special forces expert – one uptight, the other easygoing – must team up to track down a rogue nuke and prevent WW3.
Plot Choice: #3 Pursuit: Protag is in pursuit of the rogue nuke, rather than a particular person
Main Characters: Richard, an uptight and by-the-book special forces expert in the Space Force in 2055; Dick, who is Richard but from the year 2058 who is laidback and more of a wild card; Shaz, an American billionaire in competition with Dunya, a Russian billionaire, to start the first viable space tourism company in the year 2028
Dramatic Question: Will our hero be able to carry out his mission and prevent a devastating nuclear world war in the future?
Main Conflict: The tension between the two different versions of the same special forces expert who must work together despite their differences, buddy-cop style – one is an uptight rule follower while the other is a lackadaisical wild card.
Dilemma: Richard can remain the stubborn, inflexible person he is and lose his marriage or give up some control and open himself up to failure
Theme: Sometimes you need to give up control or you’ll lose what you have [not sure the best way to express this; I welcome input]
Character Arc: Richard goes from a stubborn and rigid stickler who won’t let go of the past to a more accepting, go-with-the-flow kind of guy
Structure (9 beats):
#1. OPENING – In the year 2055, a Space Forces special forces expert, Richard, leads troops on a training exercise
#2. INCITING INCIDENT – Richard is sent back in time to 2028 on a special mission to track down and disarm a rogue nuclear weapon that’s destined to start WW3
#3. BY PAGE 10 YOU KNOW WHAT THE MOVIE IS ABOUT – Richard tracking down the rogue nuke in the past.
#4. END OF ACT 1 TURNING POINT – Richard discovers that another version of himself, who was sent back from 2058, is actually alive, and they team up to track down the nuke together.
#5. MID POINT – Richard wants to know why & how Dick is so different from himself, and Dick admits his/their wife leaves them because he won’t change his ways; Richard is devastated by the news.
#6. END OF ACT 2 TURNING POINT – Richard and Dick discover a stockpile of nuclear weapons – but not the nuke they’re after – in the compound of Shaz, a billionaire in competition with another billionaire, Dunya, to start the first viable space tourism company
#7. CRISIS – Discover that Dunya actually has the nuke and it’s going to be transported to the moon on her next private rocket launch, which is tomorrow morning
#8. CLIMAX – Showdown at the rocket launch site where Richard & Dick need to disarm and remove the nuclear weapon before the launch, and they succeed.
#9. RESOLUTION – Dick stays in the past and enjoys the life he’s built for himself. Richard goes back to his timeline in 2055 and is able to save his marriage now that he’s a changed man. WW3 is averted (at least for now).
Essence Only Outline v1:
1. EXT./INT. SPACE FORCE BASE, BUNKER – DAY
In the year 2055, a small team of Space Force special forces troops carry out a training exercise with Richard leading them.
2. INT. SPACE FORCE BASE, DEBRIEFING ROOM – DAY
Richard debriefs the team after the exercise.
3. INT. AUCTION ROOM
2028: In a small auction room of half a dozen bidders, a rogue nuclear warhead is auctioned off and the person who loses out to the eventual winner is not happy.
4. EXT. CAPE CANAVERAL, FL – DAY
In the year 2028, a Richard lookalike in a Hawaiian shirt eats ice cream while watching a rocket launch.
5. INT. RICHARD’S HOME – NIGHT
Richard comes home to his wife after work and it’s clear their marriage is strained. Richard’s Commanding Officer (CO) calls him back to the base.
6. INT. SPACE FORCE BASE, CO’S OFFICE – NIGHT
Richard’s CO tells Richard he’s going on a special time travel mission back to 2028 to locate and disarm a rogue nuclear weapon that is known to be the catalyst that starts WW3 in a few years’ time. The CO also tells Richard that this is not the first time he is being sent back – another version of him, in 2058, was also sent back, but presumed dead since the mission wasn’t accomplished.
7. INT. ALL-NIGHT DINER – NIGHT
Richard meets with his wife at a diner near the base to say goodbye and try to leave things on a good note, but it fails and they part strained.
8. INT. SPACE FORCE BASE, LAB – NIGHT
Richard is sent back in time.
9. EXT. CAPE CANAVERAL – DAY
Richard arrives in 2028 and gets his bearings in this old-timey world.
10. INT./EXT. CAPE CANAVERAL – DAY [TBD]
Richard starts his investigation using a lead from his CO. [TBD]
11. INT. AUCTIONEER’S OFFICE – NIGHT
The auctioneer from earlier talks to the highest bidder on the nuclear warhead – Shaz, an eccentric American billionaire – about payment and delivery.
12. EXT. COCOA BEACH STREETS – NIGHT
Richard encounters some criminal types who ask him where their money is and beat him up a little. The Richard lookalike in a Hawaiian shirt watches from around a corner and finally goes to help Richard once the criminals are gone.
13. INT. DICK’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
This lookalike is Dick, the version of Richard from 2058, and Richard is shocked and elated to find out he’s still alive. Dick helps Richard get settled for the night in his apartment in Cocoa Beach (near Cape Canaveral) and says they’ll talk in the morning.
14. INT. DICK’S APARTMENT – DAY
The next morning, Richard and Dick start to clash already. Richard is rigid and stubborn while Dick is more of a wild card.
15. INT. ARCADE – DAY
Dick takes Richard to an old-timey arcade for “target practice” on an old arcade game and they discuss what they know about the rogue nuke. They know it ends up on the moon and detonates there in 2059, breaking the 1967 Outer Space Treaty and causing an international diplomatic catastrophe that sets off WW3.
16. INT. DICK’S APARTMENT – DAY
Richard calls Dick in for a briefing and goes over possible leads: governments with active space programs (US, Russia, China) or three billionaires in competition to start the first viable space tourism company with a presence on the moon (Shaz, American; Dunya, Russian; and Wang Lei, Chinese). Dick has a plan to infiltrate a party being hosted by Dunya at her Miami mansion the following weekend.
17. EXT. DUNYA’S MIAMI MANSION, POOL PATIO – DAY
Richard and Dick, in matching vests, are tending bar on the pool patio at Dunya’s swanky pool party filled with celebs and other rich people. They meet Shaz, the American billionaire in competition with Dunya to start the first viable space tourism company.
18. INT. DUNYA’S MIAMI MANSION, STUDY – DAY
Dick talks to a guest and by pretending to be a fellow billionaire, he gets a good lead: this person’s brother was recently at a secretive, high-money auction where the only thing that sold for more money than a stolen Picasso was a nuclear weapon.
19. TBD
The nuke is intercepted and stolen by another party. [TBD]
20. MONTAGE – DAY
Richard and Dick’s unglamorous travels to Dubai.
21. INT. BIDDER’S HOME, DUBAI – DAY
Richard and Dick talk to the man who was at the auction to get information – they find out who the auctioneer was and where to find him.
22. MONTAGE – DAY
Richard and Dick’s unglamorous travels to Geneva.
23. INT. AUCTIONEER’S OFFICE, GENEVA – DAY
Richard and Dick meet with the auctioneer who is reluctant to divulge information about the last auction. They take the hard disk/thumb drive with the info on it they need and leave.
24. MONTAGE – DAY
Richard and Dick’s unglamorous travels back to Miami. On the way they look at the info on the hard disk/thumb drive and discover Shaz bought the nuke in question and decide to go to her place.
25. EXT. MIAMI – DAY
On their drive to Shaz’s compound in the Florida Keys, a cop stops Dick for minor speeding and Dick takes them on a high-speed chase, pissing Richard off, and eventually loses the police.
26. EXT. BEACH – DAY
Stopping at a beach on the way, Dick helps dress an injury on Richard’s face and they have a heart-to-heart about why Dick is so different from Richard and what happened. Dick confesses that in 2056, his/their wife leaves him/them because he won’t change, and this news hits Richard like a ton of bricks.
27. EXT./INT. SHAZ’S ESTATE, FLORIDA KEYS – NIGHT
Richard & Dick break into Shaz’s empty compound and snoop around. Richard discovers a bunker with several nuclear warheads, already disarmed so they can’t be detonated, but not the one they’re after.
28. INT. SHAZ’S ESTATE – NIGHT
Richard & Dick ambush Shaz later demanding answers, but she tells them the nuke in question never arrived and she doesn’t know where it is. Richard & Dick get a lead that makes them believe Dunya has the nuke, and they have to get back to Cape Canaveral before the next morning’s rocket launch.
29. TBD – NIGHT
The nuke is secretly being loaded onto the rocket.
30. TBD – DAY
Travel back to Cape Canaveral early the next morning [TBD – by boat, plane, helicopter? Shaz helping them.]
31. EXT. CAPE CANAVERAL LAUNCH SITE – DAY
Exact locations & sequence of events TBD. Final climax showdown & big action set piece. Richard & Dick have to break into the secured launch site area and retrieve the nuke from the rocket while fighting off Dunya’s henchmen. Face-to-face showdown with Dunya where she admits everything. Richard & Dick succeed.
32. EXT. CAPE CANAVERAL LAUNCH SITE – LATER
Dunya is taken away, Shaz thanks Richard & Dick for what they’ve done. Richard and Dick part on good terms – Dick staying in 2028, and Richard going back to 2055.
33. INT. SPACE FORCE BASE, CO’S OFFICE – DAY
Back in 2055, Richard talks to his CO and it’s clear he’s a changed man for the better.
34. INT. RICHARD’S HOUSE – DAY
Richard reunites with his wife and says/does something symbolic that shows how he’s changed, and it’s clear their marriage will last.
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Hi Erin,
I like your story. You’ve answered some of the questions I had from your story logic web.
I like how Shaz helps Richard and Dick in the end.
I like the moment where Richard learns that Dick’s wife left him because he was so rigid. That seems like a major turning point for him.
I’m not clear on how Richard giving up control possibly jeopardizes his mission to disarm the nuclear weapon, but maybe that’s not something you can really show in an outline.
In the scene where Richard encounters the criminals, is it because of something dirty dealings that Dick had with them? That would definitely go along with his character (i.e. running from the cops)
I couldn’t really identify set-ups and pay-offs, but there is escalating tension, so that’s good. One thing you could do is hint towards Dunya being evil in some way earlier on in the story.
Your outline flows well. I don’t see any holes or problems in your story.
I was trying to think of a more succinct way to state your theme. Maybe you can say “sometimes you have to sacrifice something to keep what you have.” Just a thought. It’s not really different from what you have but maybe a little more to the point.
Good work! Let me know if you have specific questions.
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I am requesting feedback on my dark comedy. I’ll post here and it is also under Day 17 Forum if that is easier to pull up.
PS 80 Michelle Damis Pass 10: Essence ONLY Outline for feedback.
What I learned is that if your bare-bones outline makes sense it will only get better with character development and dialogue. It will keep you on track, where you could easily get pulled off the rails if you aren’t sure where you are going.
LOGLINE: A Vampire forced to find a new place to live finds a home with empty-nester parents who unknowingly trade their soul-sucking daughter for a blood-sucking tenant.
Plot #12 METAMORPHOSIS: This plot is a magical one. It usually begins with a curse that is generally cured by some type of love — either parental, romantic, love of others, or love of God. This is about a transformation back to humanity through love.
Ensemble Cast-Lead Characters:
The Vampire: Ted is a several hundred-year-old Vampire looking for a new place to live due to his abandoned building being torn down to make way for fancy condos.
The Daughter: Nina couldn’t find an affordable apartment after graduating college and was forced to move back in with her parents. She harbors resentment and blames her mother for an event that happened in high school.
The Dad: Jim is a recently retired grade school principal, beloved by all with a heart of gold. He wouldn’t hurt a fly. He always wanted a son.
The Mom: Marin is a recently retired highly respected public defender that hasn’t gotten along with her daughter for years. She also holds a secret, after a sexual attack she was unable to have more children.
DRAMATIC QUESTION: How will the family survive living with a Vampire?
MAIN CONFLICT: The vampire becoming connected to the family and doesn’t want to kill anymore and the daughters tense relationship with her mother.
DILEMMA: What will Ted (the Vampire) choose to do when the family he has grown fond of is in danger? Can he fight his urges for blood? What will he sacrifice? Himself or the closest thing to a family he has ever had?
THEME: “You can always choose a different path”
Character Arc:
The Vampire: Ted goes from a lonely, uncaring, vampire with disdain for humans to wishing he was human again so he could be part of a family.
Nina-The Daughter: goes from an angry, mean daughter with a chip on her shoulder to confessing a secret, forgiving her mother and finding peace.
Jim-The Dad: The gentle man that wouldn’t hurt a fly to being willing to kill to save his family and Ted.
Marin-The Mom: Marin goes from being confused and hurt by her daughters treatment of her, to understanding, forgiving and confessing her own deep secret.
9 beats of Structure:
1. Opening: We meet Ted the Vampire and get to know him (VO background life info narration), going to night club with a vampire friend. We meet Nina at same nightclub, learn her “life” thru conversation with friend.(the two characters parallel somewhat)
2. Inciting Incident: Ted comes home to notification of demolition. Parents have an epiphany “anybody” better than her they decide to get a tenant so they can afford to pay Nina’s rent in the city.
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Parents interviewing possible tenants, Ted interviews…and they adore him. Nina is thrilled to get to move out but not happy with their choice, she kind of recognizes him, but can’t put her finger on it.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1 Ted learns he can’t kill landlord or family, starting to become fond…feeling like a family, Nina becoming jealous and suspicious.
5. Mid-Point: Nina discovers Ted is a vampire, goes to her parents-who don’t believe her. One or some of Jim and Marin’s friends go missing.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: Nina confronts Ted, Elder vampires confront Ted-he is cornered.
7. Crisis: Ted wants to protect the family, but he doesn’t want to leave. Marin and Nina go missing. Ted has to tell Jim, Jim asks Ted to turn him to help save his wife and daughter. Ted says No-he promises to save them.
8. Climax: Marin and Nina are tied up together, Why Nina is so angry at her mother comes out after years (explaining her terrible behavior) Marin confesses a shocking secret as well. Things go VERY BAD. Ted has to turn Jim to save them.
9. Resolution They save Ted from the sun, and have taken him in to their family.____________________________________________________________________________________________________
INT. COZY LIBRARY-ISH ROOM – NIGHT
Open on an unidentified man sits in a leather chair, cozy room, fireplace.
INT. TEDS “LAIR” ABANDONED BLDG – NIGHT
Narrated cont. He is sharing what his life is like being a vampire. Where he has lived, how he gets by, what other vampires do etc… Ted is getting ready to go out on the town-primping, choosing outfit etc….
EXT. DOWNTOWN STREETS – NIGHT
Ted walking to night club, narrating still. Explains more about vampires in general (folk-lore, misconceptions), etc…Show Ted do something “kind” for a homeless human
INT. NIGHTCLUB – NIGHT
Ted sees his vampire friend. Ted narrates background on “friend” (very young in vampire years) explains a bit about other vampires in his life. We then see Nina in the nightclub in the background.
INT. NIGHTCLUB – NIGHT
(we leave narration) Ted sits down at bar with his vampire friend, they start chatting.
INT. NIGHTCLUB – NIGHT
Nina arrives at bar next to Ted, orders drink she observes a guy being too pushy with a girl nearby, she intervenes, Ted notices.
INT. NIGHTCLUB – NIGHT
Nina sits down with a few friends, brings her friends up to date with her situation, she has had to move back home with parents-not happy. No job, etc…
INT. NIGHTCLUB – NIGHT
Ted narrates more of his thoughts on humans.
INT. NIGHTCLUB – NIGHT
Ted and friend select that nights victim(s) (they select someone that deserves it from audience perspective), Nina almost a target of his friend, Ted dissuades.
EXT. OUTSIDE CLUB ALLEY – NIGHT
Quick scene of victims (don’t show any gore) Ted narrates as he walks how and why he picks his prey.
INT. NIGHTCLUB – NIGHT
Brief montage of Nina partying into the night.
INT. BEDROOM – EARLY AM
Alarm clock going off 5am. Meet Marin and Jim, Ninas parents. (Feel the love and security) reference to being newly retired.
INT. WORKOUT ROOM – EARLY AM
Marin is working out. View some of her accomplishments on walls. Get background from items in the room.
INT. ENTRY WAY
Nina comes home from partying, annoyed she can hear her Mom exercising. Looks at a family picture-mixture of sadness and anger Rolls eyes/dirty looks at Marin as she walks past room. Nina ignores her. Marin exasperated.
INT. NINAS ROOM – EARLY MORNING
Ninas bedroom is a disaster, pulls shades as sun coming up. Flops into bed. Items in room show how much she is loved. But that she is self-sabotaging
INT. HOUSE – EARLY MORNING
Marins finished with workout, walks thru house to kitchen. Nina’s path of destruction-leaves a mess everywhere. Picks up things as she goes. Obviously frustrated.
INT. KITCHEN – EARLY MORNING
Jim in messy Kitchen having coffee, Marin joins him. They have conversation about Nina. “We can’t live like this” “ANYBODY” would be better than her! “Let’s get a tenant, and pay for her to live in the city” Epiphany/Idea. Marin gets text from her sister.
EXT. TEDS BUILDING – EARLY MORNING/STILL DARK
Ted is walking up to his building. There is a guy posting a sign on a door to bldg. Building being destroyed to make way for fancy condos.
EXT. PARK/WALKING TRAILS – DAY
Marin walks with her sister Rachel, they have talk about Nina (good time to reveal some stuff) Marin tells her about renter idea, Rachel doesn’t like the idea.
INT. HOME OFFICE – DAY
Marin on computer, posting “room for rent” notice, (conflict scene with Nina). Lies to her Mom.
INT. THERAPIST OFFICE –DAY
Nina enters. She lied to her Mom about where she was going.
INT. BAR – NIGHT
Ted telling vampire friends about having to move. Friend suggests move to the suburbs, and loves it. Ted likes the idea. Would be a nice change. They eye their “dinner” (a couple douchebags)
EXT. STREET – NIGHT
Ted has finished “dinner”. Walking home past a coffee shop, sees a room for rent ad in window, takes down number.
**1 week later.
INT. HOUSE – DAY INTO NIGHT
Various interviews with potential renters, one of whom will be Ted.
INT. KITCHEN –MINUTES LATER
Jim and Marin go to kitchen to agree they want Ted.
INT. HOUSE – CONT.
Jim and Marin offer room to Ted. Nina comes home unexpectedly. They have to tell her their brilliant plan. He recognizes her from the nightclub, she can’t put her finger on why he looks familiar.
INT. NINAS CITY APT – DAY
Nina in her new place unpacking with a friend. Happy for herself but suspicious of Ted.
EXT. HOUSE – NIGHT
Ted move in “night”, apologizes for it being dark. He doesn’t have that much stuff.
INT. HOUSE – NIGHT
Jim and Marin are super kind and helpful. Ted has never been treated like this before. Funny “Vegan” dinner scene.
INT. CALL CENTER – NIGHT
Nina consoles a victim and shares part of her story.
EXT.HOUSE – NIGHT
Ted is sneaking out like a teenager to go to club. Already feeling guilty.
INT. NIGHTCLUB – NIGHT
With vampire friends, discusses new place he is living. Ted immediately feels protective-not a normal emotion for him. Nina shows up, Ted sneaks out.
EXT. FIELD – NIGHT
Ted decides to feed on a deer instead of a human. Apologizes to the deer.
INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT
Ted does all the dishes and takes out the garbage before going to bed for the day.
INT. WORKOUT ROOM – EARLY MORNING
Marin working out, Ted smiles as he passes by, opposite of Nina.
INT. KITCHEN – DAY
Marin joins Jim for coffee in spotless kitchen, “This is already working out”. Nina calls, she has a great job interview today.
INT. DOWNTOWN OFFICE – DAY
Nina at interview, sitting in waiting room looking at newspaper. Missing person article, photo of nightclub, missing person-sees Ted in background. Suspicion grows. She rocks interview.
INT. BIG BOX STORE- DAY
Marin is shopping, getting all sorts of Halloween decorations and costumes. Phone call with her sister talking about how well everything is going.
INT. HOME – NIGHT
Marin is putting up Halloween decorations as Ted is “getting up”. Jim comes home- she is excited to show him their costumes this year. VAMPIRES! Jim invites Ted to a movie.
EXT. THEATER – NIGHT
Jim talks about movies and seeing them as a family and how the experience with his Dad was so impactful.
INT. THEATER – NIGHT
Ted mesmerized by movie.
EXT. THEATER – NIGHT
Ted can’t stop talking about movie. Someone is watching (danger) Teds senses kick up….he knows.
INT. HOME – NIGHT
Ted makes an excuse to go to his room and he sneaks out.
INT. NIGHTCLUB – NIGHT
Ted meets his friend asks if he is following him and the humans. Nina interrupts. Tense conversation. She doesn’t trust him. He tells her to stop being a bitch. Nina storms out.
INT. THERAPIST – DAY
Nina at therapist. She was affected by Teds “wake-up call” the night prior.
EXT. THERAPIST BLDG – DAY
Nina is scared by a guy dressed up as a vampire as she leaves building. PHONE RINGS-Gets a call, she GOT THE JOB!
INT. HOME – DAY
Marin doing all sorts of Halloween craft/cookies….getting ready for trick- or –treaters. Threat introduced.
INT. CAR – NIGHT
Nina driving talking with friend on cell, got job, going to pick up her Dad for a celebration dinner.
INT. HOUSE – NIGHT
Nina shows up at parents (who are dressed as vampires) Nina takes them to celebrate.Ted stays to hand out candy.
INT. FANCY RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Marin embarrassed about costume, Nina takes pleasure in her embarrassment, as they check in with Maître D.
INT/EXT. FRONT DOOR – NIGHT
Montage of trick-or-treaters and Teds responses funny stuff.
INT. FANCY RESTAURANT – NIGHT
The dinner gets tense, Nina says she doesn’t like Ted, is she jealous. She tells them what he said to her. They get in a fight.
INT/EXT. FRONT DOOR – NIGHT
Montage of more trick-or-treaters and Teds responses, funny stuff until his real Vampire friends show up. SH*T…now they know where he is and the family is in danger. Nina drops Jim and Marin home.
EXT. CAR – NIGHT
Nina sees “much too big” trick-or-treaters leave, she is suspicious and follows the two Vampires.
INT. HOME – NIGHT
Jim and Marin ask Ted how he liked answering the door etc….then he asks how their dinner went.
EXT. MEETING PLACE/WOODED AREA – NIGHT
Ted arrives meeting the other Vampires they argue and fight over the family. They reveal themselves thinking they are alone.
EXT. CAR – NIGHT
Nina is shocked when she realizes what they are. She sees an old church, screeches to a halt in front of it. Grabs empty containers, exits car.
EXT. OUTSIDE CHURCH – NIGHT
Nina sneaking in to church.
INT. CHURCH – NIGHT
Still sneaking around, gets caught by a Nun. She has to confess what she is doing, Nun surprisingly defends vampires.
EXT. VARIOUS STREETS – NIGHT
Ted walking, thinking, observes trick-or-treaters and families. Internal conflict
INT. MANSION – NIGHT
Teds Vampire friends report him to Elders…he is breaking rules.
INT LIBRARY –DAY
Nina schooling herself on vampires
INT STORE – DAY
Nina outfitting herself with Vampire protection supplies.
INT. CAFE – DAY
Nina tells her Dad she thinks Ted is a Vampire, he of course doesn’t believe her. Either she storms out or he has to go somewhere.
INT. HOME – NIGHT
Jim is re-telling Marin about Ninas crazy accusations when Ted walks in (or he overhears?) Ted decides he should confront Nina.
INT. NINAS APT – NIGHT
Ted confronts Nina. She wants him to leave her parents alone. He also explains that there are other dangers besides him. He teaches her how she can best defend herself against vampires. He tells her he plans to confess to her parents, and then leave town for their protection.
INT. HOME – NIGHT
Jim gets call from a neighbor to come help him, leaving Marin alone.
EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT
Jim leaves just before vampires arrive. Near miss.
INT. HOME – NIGHT
The Vampires take Marin.
EXT. OUTSIDE NINAS – NIGHT
Car pulls up and grabs Ted.
INT. NINAS – NIGHT
Knock at door, she thinks it is Ted. It is other vampires-struggle/they take her.
INT. MANSION – NIGHT
The Vampire Elders confront Ted. BIG ULTIMATUM for Ted.
INT. HOME – NIGHT
Jim comes home, Marin is gone. He thinks she just ran an errand, not worried. Calls Nina, she doesn’t pick up….not worried…but odd. Texts
INT. MANSION – NIGHT
The Vampire Elders confront Ted. BIG ULTIMATUM (More of this scene) Ted leaves
INT. HOME – NIGHT
Ted arrives home…immediately smells that other vampires were there- freaks out.
INT. CAR – NIGHT
Driving to Ninas…speeding….Ted tells Jim all (the vampire stuff and the “you are the first family I’ve known” stuff)…Jim is speechless
INT. NINAS – NIGHT
Nina is gone- obvious struggle. They track her location thru phone. .
EXT. CAR – NIGHT
Speeding to location
INT. DARK UNDERGROUND PLACE – NIGHT
Nina and Marin are tied up and alone. Nina has to bring Marin up to speed on Ted being a vampire.
INT. CAR – NIGHT
It is Jims turn to talk and ask questions as they drive.
INT. DARK UNDERGROUND PLACE – NIGHT
Vampires come in give Nina and Marin a choice…die or become vampires. They discuss options.
INT. CAR – NIGHT
More Jim and Ted talking?? Maybe about Marin and Nina.
INT. DARK UNDERGROUND PLACE – NIGHT
Nina and Marin fighting about options, they have opposite views (do a pro-con list) turns into Marin asking why Nina hates her so much.
EXT. ABANDONED LOCATION – NIGHT
Ted and Jim arrive, Ted schools Jim on what they will come up against.
INT. DARK UNDERGROUND PLACE – NIGHT
Nina breaks down, confesses her own secret. Marin confesses an even bigger secret.
INT. DARK UNDERGROUND PLACE – NIGHT (each line below is a scene somewhere in the underground place)
-Vampires come and take the girls to another room. The girls see Ted and Jim. They have to stall.
-Jim and Ted make a plan.
-They start executing the plan.
-Nina and Marin stalling.
-Plan goes sideways.
-Sacrifices are offered up…from all parties (all are willing to sacrifice for the others)
-Vampires frustrated.
-Unexpected interruption –The Nun(s) arrive
-the escape and chase and escape.
EXT. OUTDOORS/NO COVER IN SIGHT – DAWN
They come up out of ground thru a metal “port” which slams down & locks leaving them above ground. How will they hide him from the sun?
INT. DARK UNDERGROUND PLACE – NIGHT
Nuns facing off vampires. Head Nun looks at watch it shows it should be dawn, sun coming up.
EXT. OUTDOORS/NO COVER IN SIGHT – DAWN
Jim, Marin, Nina, and Ted huddle together. The sun is about to come up and Ted will die. They try to cover him with all their clothes and their bodies to protect him from the sun.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT (50+ years in Future)
Ted is telling 2 teenagers (approx. 18yr old twins) what happened when the sun came up.
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Michelle,
I enjoyed reading your outline. The beginning is especially strong in how you set everything up through Ted’s narration and the set-up of Nina sitting next to Ted at the bar. I like the nuggets you have here and there like Nina being scared by a guy dressed as a vampire. I like the funny scenes like Ted eating a vegan meal and giving out candy to trick-or-treaters. You do a good job of showing Ted’s character arc. The nuns defending the vampires is an interesting twist I look forward to learning more about. I can tell you have decisions to make about how it ends. I think once you do, your outline will be strong throughout.
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Thank you Amy! If you still need feedback on yours please send to my email michelledamis@yahoo.com. This string is getting so long it is hard to find stuff!
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Hi Michelle,
I’m also writing a dark comedy and would love to exchange outlines for feedback. I will also send an email to follow up.
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Hi Michelle,
I’d be interested in exchanging essence feedback. Mine is below yours. Let me know.
Thank you,
Jodi Harrison
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I’m looking to Exchange on Essence Outlines. Please let me know if you’d like to do this. All the beats were capitalized but didn’t paste that way.
Thank you from Jodi Harrison
CONCEPT: TIMELY:
Texas creates bounty hunters and vigilantism against any woman who chooses to have an abortion, or anyone trying to help them. This law tragically impacts family’s lives, and thousands of pregnant women and children that have been failed by this five year-old system.
PLOT CHOICE:
#16. Sacrifice – Belonging to a very conservative family, a forensic investigator fights the system that created the bounty hunting abortion ban having witnessed first hand the devastation this horrific unconstitutional law has created. She is afraid she will lose her family ties with this fight.
CHARACTER STRUCTURE:
Dramatic Triangle
LEAD CHARACTERS:
Pamela Karras is a Forensic Investigation Officer who eventually runs for Governor to stop the destruction the SB8 law has created.
Chloe Carter is a Social Worker who is Pam’s best friend, they battle through the devastation inflicted from the SB8 law and forge a new alliance with concerned organizations.
Governor Chad Babbitt wants to keep his seat of power at all costs, even if that means hurting people to do it.
Dramatic Question: Can Pam win the Governorship and overturn the SB8 law? Will her family disown her if she does?
MAIN CONFLICT: Pam decides that the only way she can help the women and children of the state is to run for the Governorship to abolish the SB8 law.
DILEMMA: Having a very conservative pro-life family, Pam runs the risk of being disowned by them.
Theme: Don’t tread on me. America is not a dictatorship…yet.
PROTAGONIST CHARACTER ARC:
Pam has been raised family-first and follows every law obediently. She realizes she must go against both ways of life to do what is right for all women’s freedom of choice. Someone must reverse the Heartbeat law before it damages any more people. Reluctantly, Pam puts her hat in the ring for the Governorship. She is afraid her conservative family will disown her. Eventually she decides she’s better off alone and fighting for what’s right, even if unlawful.
OPENING SCENE:
INT. REPRODUCTIVE CLINIC – DAY
KAREN BAILEY, a young teen finds out she’s pregnant and faints.
EXT. OUTSIDE THE CLINIC – DAY
The same teenage girl exits the clinic and is scared by the bounty hunters waiting for them.
EXT. SAME
It’s a frenzy, each person clamoring to be the first to follow her, she hears many engines start.
INT. CAR – SAME
Karen is shaken and scared of the truck following her. She punches on the gas.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
The two rednecks continue to followEXT. SAME
More scared than ever and going too fast, Karen goes off the highway. Her car flips continually, she dies.
EXT. SIDE OF ROAD – DAY
The rednecks had pulled to the side of the road watching the car flipping. They know they were the cause.
INT. THE MONSTER TRUCK – DAY
Against the passenger’s wishes, the driver leaves the scene of the accident.
EXT. SAME – LATER
Pam arrives on the scene and investigates it with another Officer in her unit. She finds a lead.EXT. BAILEY HOME – LATE AFTERNOON
Pam informs Karen’s Mother, ELIZABETH BAILEY and Elizabeth’s boyfriend, CHARLES WRIGHT, of Karen’s fatal accident. Elizabeth falls into Charles’ arms crying.
INT. CLINIC – MORNING
Pam’s new investigation gets stopped by the HIPAA act. She finds out about the bounty hunters who hang out there.INT. TRAFFIC INVESTIGATION UNIT – DAY
Lack of funds leave many victims high and dry. The state is overburdened because of the SB8 Heartbeat Bounty Hunters law’s ban on abortion.
INT. KARRAS HOME OFFICE – NIGHT
Pam’s asks her Social Worker friend Chloe for advice on different avenues to get around this and get info asap, as an upsurge on hit and runs.
INCITING INCIDENT:
INT. VERONICA BERNAL’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
In the throws of passion with her sex partner CARLOS RIOS, Veronica stops abruptly and asks him to put a condom on. She naively believes him when he says he sterile.
INT. PAM’S HOME OFFICE – NIGHT
Pam does research for the lack of funding. She finds masses of poverty stricken women and children, new orphanages, increased foster care staffing and foster home payments, welfare spiraling out of control. She finds articles of abuse, molestation, neglect of unloved, unwanted children. She looks into the death penalty.INT. LIBRARY – NEXT DAY
Pam asks the reference desk for updated stats on the state’s government budgets, surpluses, deficits and sources of the information.
INT. WELLES HOME – DAY
Pam’s parents tell her to leave it alone. It’s God’s will who becomes pregnant and must carry this burden. Pam’s Mother acquiesces with his point of view. This way of thinking is unacceptable to Pam.INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS – DAY
Pam asks her friend in MIS to help her extract information on new orphanages and foster homes in the last four years. She is given a pile of pages representing hundreds of orphanages. She also needs the Operation Life List (OLL) database to find the harmful bounty hunters.INT. PAM’S DESK – SAME
She gets back and the Police Chief says the court order is not in yet, backlogged.
INT. ELIZABETH’S LIVING ROOM – DAY
Pam checks in with Elizabeth with no good news for her. She makes promises she might not be able to keep. Pam leaves and Elizabeth opens a bottle of Vodka chugging it as fast as she can.INT. PAM’S CAR – DAY
Pam checks out the orphanages. Row after row of shoddy buildings, like barracks. Very young children and toddlers play outside, with ratty clothes, one worker per thirty children. Older children are working.INT. ORPHANAGE ROW BUNKHOUSE – SAME
She gets a childcare worker to talk to her. The worker tells her they are all loved and cared for which sounds like she’s said this a thousand times before, unemotional as a script the workers have to say.
INT. MESS HALL – DAY
She falsely flashes her badge pretending to have authority to see how the children are taken care of and fed. There is little time to show affection to a child as each worker has their duties to perform. The dished out food is without love or care, your daily basics.
By page 10, you know what the movie is about:
EXT. PARK – DAY
Pam shares with her friend that she feels her hands are tied, that she can’t give proper justice to many women and the unloved, unwanted children. Chloe tells her she has some people she wants her to meet.
INT. RESTAURANT – DAY
Pam meets Chloe’s group. A Physician is going to challenge the law with his upcoming abortion civil lawsuit. They’ve got a meeting Monday with the Governor. Can Pam meet them there?
INT. ELIZABETH LIVING ROOM – DAY
Distraught and miserable Elizabeth tells Charles that she can’t keep on like this. He suggests a support group.
INT. GOVERNOR’S OFFICE – DAY
When pressed with questions the Governor excuses the group off as silly women and has his secretary escort them out.
INT. OUTSIDE THE GOVERNOR’S OFFICE – SAME
The group knows the misogynist Governor only cares about controlling women under the guise and pretense of being concerned of all ‘Heartbeats’, so how could he be pro-death penalty?
INT. SUPPORT GROUP – DAY
Elizabeth learns about the bounty hunters. She introduces herself to the group talking how her Daughter Karen died seven weeks ago. She shares that she numbs herself with booze and pills.
INT. KARRAS HOME – ENTRY WAY – LATE AFTERNOON
Chloe says they want to start a campaign for the Governorship as elections are coming up in the next few months. Pam is very reluctant to do this as the Governorship was not in her family’s plan.
INT. VERONICA’S KITCHEN – SAME
Veronica finds out she’s pregnant and is surprised Carlos does not want to help. She calls her doctor.
INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT – SAME
Elizabeth tries to tell the police she got information that it’s the bounty hunters who killed her Daughter. She is ignored. Her eyes have steely determination as she exits.
INT. KARRAS HOME OFFICE – EVENING
Pam realizes she cannot turn her back on these thousands of unwanted children and the life they’ve been dictated to have. Deepening budget cuts and millions of new families living below the poverty line needing monthly financial help, Pam’s Daughter Eliana asks if she’ll try to challenge the way things are?
INT. ELIZABETH HOME OFFICE – NIGHT
She starts a website with STEVEN HAYS, Karen’s boyfriend. They call it “Target Practice”. They instantly see traffic on their site. Her face softens and she smiles for the first time in weeks.
INT. KARRAS KITCHEN – MORNING
Chloe and Pam discuss who should be contacted next to create the plan; (unions, organizations, free clinics and a network of concerned Mothers from all over the state), after she talks with her family.
INT. KARRAS DINING ROOM – NIGHT
Pam discusses with her family why she wants to run for office. Her husband reminds her that the Governor is well established with the conservatives but there is a shot for her to beat him because they’re actually an overall minority in the state.
INT. WELLE’S HOME – DAY
Pam’s very conservative and pro-life parents are shocked at the news, they tell Pam she is a traitor to run against their beloved Governor for what they believe is an sinful and amoral cause.
FIRST ACT TURNING POINT:
INT. KARRAS HOME OFFICE – DAY
Forced term women start calling her after hearing through the grapevine she’s trying to organize help. One call is a lead on a physician who the caller just got an abortion from. She gets the info.
INT. REPRODUCTIVE CLINIC – DAY
Pam goes this physician who is still giving abortions, and asks him to join their legal challenge of the SB 8 bounty hunter law.
INT. TRAFFIC INVESTIGATION UNIT – DAY
Pam anonymously receives information on who’s on the bounty hunters hit list on the Texas ‘Operation Life List’ website. She feels things are starting to turn in a positive direction.
INT. WELLE’S HOME – DAY
Pam’s parents are embarrassed seeing Pam on television organizing funding for any physicians who challenge this law in court. They are furious and disillusioned.
INT. ELIZABETH’S HOME OFFICE – EVENING
She gives the license number to one of her henchmen of a person who brought a civil lawsuit of 10k against someone involved in helping an abortion. She dispatches her men throughout the state to stalk and attack.
Mid-Point:
INT. REPRODUCTIVE CLINIC – MORNING
Veronica learns she is eight weeks pregnant. The Gynecologist gives her the same pamphlet as Karen received, along with a business card with Pam’s name and number on it.
INT. KARRAS DINING ROOM – MORNING
Pam’s Brother Edward enters for the monthly family brunch but only sees the Karras’s. The parents are missing from this longstanding family tradition they have.
INT. WELLE’S ENTRY WAY – DAY
Pam shows up with flowers for her parents. They give her an ultimatum to give up her endeavor or give up her family. She must choose.
EXT. KARRAS GARDEN – DAY
The only remedy when feeling down is gardening. She half-heartedly and intermittently digs a hole for a pot of flowers. She brushes off her parent’s ultimatum, wipes her eyes and continues digging.
INT. KARRAS HOME OFFICE- MORNING
She asks Ellie for her help with making a website for the ‘Right to Choose’ movement. She is very happy to have this avenue open to women and children for communication.
INT. KARRAS HOME OFFICE – DAY
Her website crashes and her phone starts ringing off the hook as the need for help is high amongst children, welfare families and women who resent their forced babies. Many of the women don’t know how they can raise these mandatory unwanted children on 267.00 a month that the state gives them.
EXT. KARRAS GARDEN – DAY
Pam and Chloe discuss funds they’re trying to find to help people that have reached out to them, but the need is greater than they can raise as each year over 100,000 abused and neglected children in the state need her help. (Texas stats) and knowing 31,000 children in state foster care (2019, Texas stats) are now growing exponentially.
INT. ELIZABETH’S HOME OFFICE – EVENING
She dispatches three henchmen to harass, and create auto and home property damage for the three bounty hunters on her list who started a civil lawsuit right of action for the 10,000.
EXT. MONTAGE – SAME
We’ll see the three attacks. One will go wrong and someone is killed.
INT. VERONICA’S KITCHEN – DAY
Veronica calls the number on the card.
INT. KARRAS HOME OFFICE – SAME
Pam’s volunteer Assistant DELORES SCHMIDT, tells Veronica of the one to two month back log. She will set the appointment immediately.
INT. KARRAS HOME OFFICE – SAME
Delores picks up the phone after her call with Veronica and makes the appointment for her.
INT. KARRAS DEN – NEXT MORNING
Pam sees a news clip of this group and is happy initially that other people are involved but the news clip then reveals that someone killed one of these deputized citizen’s turned bounty hunter.
INT. TRAFFIC INVESTIGATIONS BRIEFING ROOM – MORNING
The Police Chief commands an all hands on deck directive to find this group, excluding Pam because she could be one of the suspects since she is publicly for the same cause. Some of her fellow officers shun her.
INT. TRAFFIC INVESTIGATION UNIT – DAY
Using the state-wide database on the sly, Pam tries to find out the source and leadership of this secret group.
EXT. PARKING LOT – DAY
A man slips into Pam’s car while she is in the drivers seat. He has some information for her on the group.
INT. PARKING STRUCTURE – SAME
A bounty hunter gets attacked and beaten up by Steven Hays.
Second turning point at end of Act 2:
INT. KARRAS DINING ROOM – NIGHT
Being under-funded, slandered and falsely blamed of organizing the hits on citizens, along with being outcast from her family, Pam feels the odds are against her and thinks about quitting.
EXT. MALL – DAY
Veronica notices someone is following her. She flips the guy off calling him a puto. He turns around so she can’t see his face.
INT. TRAFFIC INVESTIGATION UNIT – DAY
Pam gets a phone call from an evangelical preacher. She writes down an address.
INT. EVANGELICAL CHURCH OFFICE – DAY
Pam meets the evangelical anti-abortionist crusading preacher who is now pro-choice. He tells her why. Which gives her the faith to continue in this uphill battle.
INT. VERONICA’S CAR – SAME
A car is following Veronica aggressively. She fumbles but finds a card that says ‘Target Practice’ on it. She calls and tells them where she is.
EXT. ELIZABETH’S HOME OFFICE – SAME
She tells Veronica to stay where she’s at and she’ll dispatch someone to her immediately.
INT. VERONICA’S CAR – SAME
Veronica waits for the guys who are going to help her get rid of the man who is following her. They arrive within minutes.
INT. TELEVISION STATION – DAY
The Governors wife had an abortion in her younger years.
INT. TELEVISION STATION – EVENING
Elias and Eliana give her moments of encouragement before she goes on air for the debate.
INT. SAME – LATER
One candidate finishes his speech, Pam is introduced and she starts her concerns.
INT. A BOUNTY HUNTER’S HOME – NIGHT
The couple leaves their house. Steven and his computer wiz friend break in. The friend goes to the computer and starts hacking past the password, while Steven finds a wall safe easily.
EXT. SAME HOME – SAME
The couple approaches their home and sees the front door open, the safe is open and empty. Their place has also been trashed.
INT. ELIZABETH’S HOME OFFICE – SAME TIME
Steven hands her the valuables and account numbers they got from the home. She is pleased.
INT. KARRAS KITCHEN – MORNING
Ten days later, Pam’s telephone rings. She is congratulated for winning the primary.
INT. SAME
The phone rings again, Pam has a smile on her face expecting another well-wisher. Her face soon turns to anger. She is threatened to pull out of the race. She slams the phone down resolutely.
INT. SAME
Pam heads to her keyboard and starts typing an Op Ed piece on the devastation of the state and the enablers too willing to keep the status quo.
INT. OPERATION LIFE LIST HEADQUARTERS – DAY
Pam serves the OLL president a court order to search the premises. She confiscates documents listing bounty hunters and their addresses.
LIST – of MONTAGE
Pam starts knocking on doors and checking cars out for any indication of wreckage. She finds none.
INT. THOMAS WELLES CHURCH – MORNING
Thomas sees that a few of his singers and church members are missing. Quizzically, he begins his sermon.
INT. SAME – LATER
While shaking members hands Thomas hears murmurs of ‘draft dodger’. One CHURCH MEMBER tells him of the rumors and let’s him know the church that some of his congregation are now going to instead.
EXT. BOUNTY HUNTER HOME – DAY
Steven hot-wires a decked out car. A dog barks at him ferociously. Steven gives him dog treats. He pets the dog and drives off as the owners charges out of his house shouting. The dog sits silently.
INT. KARRAS LIVING ROOM – EVENING
Pam’s Mother Patricia visits. Her purpose is to blame Pam for the ‘trouble’ she is causing her Father. Pam is clueless about the incident. Patricia leaves abruptly.
INT. TRAFFIC INVESTIGATION UNIT, PAM’S DESK – DAY
Pam gets an anonymous call from the passenger of the monster truck.
INT. ELIZABETH’S DINING ROOM – LATE AFTERNOON
She is counting lots of money. They’ll have funding for a year. She now lives in a better home, but nothing takes her sorrow away. She feels her Daughter with her when Steven is around.
INT. MONSTER TRUCK DRIVER – NIGHT
Pam is told by the redneck driver that she can’t do anything. There’s no way she can prove he caused the girl’s death. He tells her his lawsuits bought him a dandy truck. He warns her that she better back off.
INT. CELL PHONE – SAME
Driving home from her confrontation with the redneck, she gets a call on her cell phone.
INT. KARRAS DINING ROOM – NIGHT
Her husband has dinner ready for her. This is one respite moment for Pam.
INT. VERONICA HOME – SAME
She is called with the date and time for her abortion.
INT. KARRAS KITCHEN – BEFORE DAWN
The phone rings, it is the emergency room, a nurse tells Pam that Chloe has been beaten up and is unconscious, she is being notified as Chloe’s emergency contact.
INT. EMERGENCY ROOM – NIGHT
Seeing Chloe black and blue, swollen, and in a cast, Pam swears revenge for her.
EXT. MONSTER TRUCK REDNECK – NIGHT
Pam grabs the redneck’s collar and bangs his head on her knee. She uses a stun gun on him and curses him for hurting her friend. He screams about how he doesn’t know anything, she eventually is convinced.
INT. TRAFFIC INVESTIGATION UNIT – DAY
Pam’s file for the dead girl is missing from her desk. She finds a small piece of paper that has Chloe’s name, address, and a time on it, on Detective Salts desk. She runs out of the office.
EXT. POLICE DEPARTMENT BUILDING – DAY
As she is running towards her car she see Detective Salt with one of his friends. After roughing him up she finds out the contract came from the Governor’s office.
INT. TRAFFIC INVESTIGATION UNIT – SAME
Pam marches into the Chief’s office ignoring his meeting and tells him what happened. She wants to formally charge Detective Salt and wants to start an investigation into the Governor’s office of who requested the attack on Chloe.
EXT. KARRAS MAILBOX – MORNING
Pam starts making inroads and the opposition is nervous. Pam receives a threat in the mail that is a copy of her Father’s military record which shows her Father as a Draft Dodger. She is warned to pull out of the race.
Crisis:
INT. EVANGELICAL CHURCH OFFICE – DAY
Pam confides her challenge with the Preacher that she is torn between wanting to help her parents or helping to create a better life for her Daughter, and fighting for all women’s freedom of choice, she decides to continue in the fight.
INT. TELEVISION STATION – EARLY EVENING
Pam is very glad to see Ashley Lee again, this time there are other people within hearing distance.
INT. ELIZABETH HOME OFFICE – EVENING
Five new bounty hunters to hit. She saves a special one for Steven.
INT. TELEVISION STATION – EVENING
Debate night. Pam annihilates the Governor with current statistics. The state has dire financial needs but the Governor only cares about controlling women under the falsehood of saving heartbeats, which is in direct opposition to his and his conservative legislatures pro death penalty law.
INT. DELORES CAR – DAY
Delores takes Veronica to the pick up location, as they drive they are followed by bounty hunters.
INT. KARRAS KITCHEN – NEXT MORNING
The Governor falsely accuses Pam publicly as being a part of the vigilante group who are attacking the bounty hunters. Pam huffs and turns the television off.
INT. KARRAS KITCHEN – SAME
Pam reads the headline that another woman was found dead from an attempted self-abortion, which makes 112 now this year. Pam asks “at what point do the heartbeats of these women matter and the full lives they are living?” Her husband asks about the abortion pill.
EXT. MEETING LOCATION – SAME
They meet the pick up driver and the three other girls in the car going for the same purpose. A bounty hunter follows them for miles and then turns back.
INT. REDNECK’S HOME – MORNING
Steven goes after the redneck with a vengeance knowing that he is the guy who caused Karen’s death.
EXT. REDNECK’S FRONT YARD – SAME
Steven sets his red truck on fire, and then attempts to set the Redneck on fire. The cops arrest him.
INT. FATHER’S CHURCH – MORNING
The congregation thins out even more. Protesters chant ‘draft dodger and baby killer’ outside. A fire inspector tells Thomas he has been shut down for fire safety violations, and shouts to the congregation that everyone must leave.
EXT. KARRAS HOME – DAY
Pam and Eliana drive off in their car and are followed by the Operation Life List people.
INT. KARRAS KITCHEN – DAY
Pam’s husband’s state government contract was cancelled and he and his crew were locked out.
INT. TRAFFIC INVESTIGATION UNIT – DAY
Pam finds out who the leader is of the vigilante group attacking the bounty hunters. She goes out the door.
INT. ELIZABETH’S HOME – DAY
Pam confronts Elizabeth, Elizabeth blames Pam and her department for not carrying out justice for her Daughter. She gentle handcuffing Elizabeth after their exchange.
INT. KARRAS DEN – NIGHT
The newscaster relays the execution of another death row inmate, this makes 50 ‘heartbeats’ killed since 2015 on the Governor’s watch. The Governor proves himself a double-speak hypocrite.
EXT. REDNECK’S HOUSE – LATE AFTERNOON
Pam arrests the redneck.
INT. CONVENTION CENTER BALLROOM – NIGHT
Pam and her family arrive at the big ballroom. They are shown to the waiting room.
INT. WELLE’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Pam’s votes are far below the Governor’s in the race. Thomas feels he must support his Daughter he and Patricia leave to be with her.
INT. CONVENTION CENTER BALLROOM – NIGHT
Pam is nervous. Ashley Lee enters with her make-up kit. Pam picks up the phone and walks out the door.
INT. RITZY HOTEL BALLROOM – NIGHT
She threatens the Governor that she’ll use the information about his wife if his people don’t back off. Stop the threats and harassment of her and her family members or else.
EXT. CONVENTION CENTER BALLROOM – NIGHT
Without a pass Pam’s family try to enter the convention center where the celebration will be taking place, but is blocked by security detail, Patricia calls her Granddaughter.
INT. CONVENTION CENTER WAITING ROOM – NIGHT
The Granddaughter tells her Mother she’s going to run down to get the Grandparents and Uncle. Pam is surprised and pleased.
EXT. CONVENTION CENTER BALLROOM – NIGHT
The Granddaughter brings out three security badges for the Grandparents.
Climax:
INT. CONVENTION CENTER WAITING ROOM – NIGHT
Thomas lets Pam know how much they support her no matter their differing beliefs.
Resolution:
INT. CONVENTION CENTER BALLROOM – NIGHT
Pam is now in the lead. They are very excited but also know the votes can turn again. Chloe and John are introduced, they beam at each other and are a little flirty.
INT. CONVENTION CENTER WAITING ROOM – NIGHT
The final results come in. Thomas and Patricia are awoken out of their sleep when everyone begins cheering. Pam, and her husband and Daughter rush out to the Ballroom. The family follows.
INT. CONVENTION CENTER BALLROOM – NIGHT
Pam wins the election with a large number of the voters. In Pam’s acceptance speech she vows that her first line of business when she takes office is to obliterate the ‘heartbeat’ SB8 law.
INT. THOMAS’S CHURCH – MORNING
The Gospel choir is singing an upbeat song with the two singers who stuck with Thomas smiling at him. Thomas smiling back at them nods, and then looks out at his full congregation again.
EXT. REPRODUCTIVE CLINIC – MORNING
The Governor’s Daughter exits a care clinic
looking forlorn. The bounty hunters are
waiting to start following her-
Hi Jodi,
Feel free to ignore anything that doesn’t feel right to you below. 🙂
Re: your logline: Right from the start I was intrigued by your concept because the broader political issue is obviously important for women in TX and beyond, and to personalize that issue for someone caught between her loyalty to family and her desire to help the women and children of TX makes this an emotional story.
One thing I wondered in the info above the outline itself is whether Chloe is actually all that important to the story compared with Pam’s parents given the overall focus.
I know these outlines are not supposed to be perfect replicas of how we’ll write the actual screenplays, but one thing that cropped up a couple times was a scene description that was vague and didn’t contain actual action or a hint of the dialogue that might occur. (The example I highlighted was “Lack of funds leave many victims high and dry. The state is overburdened because of the SB8 Heartbeat Bounty Hunters law’s ban on abortion.”) I don’t think of this as particularly problematic as long as you know what you’re planning to do there later. (I tend to forget!)
I feel you have gotten to the heart of what’s at stake if someone takes on this intense of a political cause in a state like TX. As I was reading, most of the individual scenes seem to work, and occasionally I felt there were ways of tightening things up by consolidating your ideas into fewer scenes. It’s not a matter of changing the plot, just jamming things together now and then to eliminate the need for another scene:
–Does there need to be a scene where Pam discusses going on her mission with her daughter and then another scene later with her husband? Perhaps these could be consolidated into a single dinner with the daughter and husband since both are really one plot point in terms of moving the story forward?
–Likewise, you have a scene in which Pam is getting really down from being falsely accused, and then a couple scenes later a preacher contacts her. Maybe the call could come to her cell while she’s having her dark night of the soul? Is there any connection with Pam’s father, or is the evangelical preacher a temporary stand-in for her father while they aren’t speaking?
–Could Pam be eating a meal her husband has made for her and finally getting a moment to rest when the call comes in about Chloe’s attack? The meal scene by itself doesn’t seem to move Pam forward on her character arc.
–Do you need the gardening scene? We know she’s miserable at this point in her arc. Is there something in that scene that will push her forward or challenge her further to deepen the plot?
–Is there a need for separate scenes for the website crashing + learning the amount of welfare given to the families of unwanted children and then the following one in which Chloe shares how they need funds to help these people?
There’s so much tension between the various groups represented in this story, and I like how you balanced the various threads. Pam is the clear star part here, and boy, are the stakes high for her, but Elizabeth in particular is also fascinating because she goes down a dark road and then takes a turn for the better in a way (taking action, I mean) that she ultimately can’t continue doing (but it’s a very human role even in this level of outline). I will be interested in seeing a later draft of how that all plays out.
A couple times in the first half there were scenes with Pam doing lots of research. It might only last a few seconds on screen at a pop, but seeing her search for data without something happening is going to slow the story down if it lasts too long on screen, so if there’s a way to keep her away from her computer or doing something active while at the computer (which I say as a writer glued to my computer) 🙂 for more than a second here or there, it will help. But that is probably too granular for this level of outline, so bear with me.
I really like how Pam is trying to hard to do the right thing while also doing right by her parents. It’s deeply emotional. Do we know her father is a pastor early on in the story?
Does Veronica go to the same GYN that Pam met with to learn about current options for women needing an abortion?
Does Pam’s activism include connecting women with abortions/MDs who will perform them known to anyone? (I think so, but want to make sure.) And again, I know I’m potentially getting too granular here.
Is the possible connection between the redneck and Chloe’s attack made clear enough that we don’t see Pam as overreacting when she beats up the redneck?
Is there any story justice for Pam attacking the redneck? I get why she does it, but she seems so together and fundamentally decent otherwise that it kind of changes her character arc/corrupts her in my mind given that the redneck didn’t hurt Chloe. (It’s not that he’s a good guy … and it’s not that Pam is necessarily a perfect citizen either.) I’m thinking this could easily be justified or resolved if Pam figured out soon after that the redneck definitely is responsible for Karen’s death somehow (or really any number of other ways — just thinking out loud here), which we as audience already know, but Pam doesn’t.
And I could be completely off in all of this commentary, but my thinking is that if she will resort to violence that ends up being unjustified, does that not change her role a bit in the story? For the same reason, though, does someone as decent as Pam attack her colleague physically? In all of this, if there’s any sign she’s been violent in the past in some way or lost it in a way that got mildly physical that worked for the greater good, or maybe if it’s a one-time loss of temper and she slaps him or something, it might all make sense, and you probably have lots of this worked out already. I keep trying to go back to the character arc, though, and it would be hard to hide an attack on a colleague when you work in such a public field and are running for governor, especially if she has no friends on the force anymore because of her activism. This could work several different ways, though.
Who is Ashley Lee?
What is the payoff when Pam and Eliana drive off and are followed by the OLL folks?
If someone at the TV station knows that the governor’s wife had an abortion, why does Pam wait so long to use that info against her opponent? Would the media not already have done this?
What specifically convinces Pam’s parents to come support her? How does her father convince her mother to go with him?
I love the idea of Pam winning by a landslide, but I also know TX politics well enough to know that it really might be close right up to the end. Have we seen anything indicating that Pam is gaining in the polls before the election in a way that bolsters her confidence or some indication that she’s struggling? She’s a total political newcomer, and we haven’t seen her do any press except for the debate, so maybe there would be a political event of some sort pre-election to make sure we know she’s actually doing better than expected or being treated seriously? Maybe her status as cop gives her more standing?
I really enjoyed reading your outline and would be happy to email or PM you here if you want to discuss this further. I’m going to tackle the feedback you gave me this weekend.
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Wow Jennifer,
Thank you so much for all the depth and thought you took on my script. It is definitely helpful for me to see what I typed that might not have translated or unnecessary scenes I have, moments to tighten up, characters, etc.
There are many things I didn’t include in the essence outline trying to keep it within the two (give or take) sentences, that I have in a fuller outline that I refer to (with some dialogue I want to make sure I use), but there are many questions that you raised that showed me I could improve upon some scenes and character actions. Especially my ending, I have bare-bones there, and it needs improvement.
<div>Thank you again for your fine perceptions and
feedback.</div><div>From someone also glued to her computer 🙂 lol
</div>
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Hi Jodi, This really is such a timely piece (I hope you are able to shop the idea while you are in the writing process to get it on someones radar!)
Jennifer McKay gave you Awesome feedback and I agreed with a lot of it. I think it is very important to establish the current governor earlier, and make the audience despise him.
The other big thing is that I too see Elizabeth as the 3rd part of the triangle not Chole. I’dd love to continue watching this story evolve. My email is michelledamis@yahoo.com , that may be easier to communicate rather than this 200 comment thread.
PS as an actress and someone that is probably running for mayor of my city I’d love to play Pam… LOL!
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