Request for Exchange on Essence Outlines

[Cameron Martin]

OPEN WIDE

A. Concept:

A father must survive an outbreak of alien parasitic worms that infect everyone in his commune, including his special needs son.

B. Plot Choice:

Escape

C. Character Structure:

#2 Buddy Movie

D. Lead Characters

Sully is the parent of a special needs child who struggles find a way to save both himself and his child from inevitable death.

Isaiah is a developmentally delayed 8-10 year old who’s mannerisms have become more severe since the loss of his mother, and struggles to find his identity with the only parent he has left.

E. Dramatic Question:

Will the father be able to save his son?

F. Main Conflict:

Almost everything in the world, from alien hosts to conscripted liquidators, is trying to kill the two.

G. Dilemma:

Will Sully be patient and team up with his special needs son, or will he limit and confine him for his own good?

H. Theme:

Genuine communication and collaboration is necessary for survival.

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any):

From impatient and unsure father to confident and collaborative parent.

J. Structure of your screenplay (9 beats, one sentence each):

1. Opening: Sully works on a project for his superiors while wrangling a child adamant on drawing as much attention as possible.

2. Inciting Incident: An alarm goes off, warning the colonists to gather in a bunker to wait out an infestation of parasitic alien worms until liquidators can arrive to exterminate the worms, but Sully can’t find his child before the bunker closes shut.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Sully starts coming up with a plan for him and his son to survive and find a way inside the sealed bunker.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: Sully sets out on his own after locking his son in a secure location.

5. Mid-Point: Sully reaches the bunker but discovers all the residents were infected and are now monsters. Sully’s child is able to save him after breaking out of his confinement, but gets infected as a brood mother as a result.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: The liquidators arrive to kill the infected and any survivors, but Sully and his son find a way to sneak onto the liquidator’s vessel to get back to earth.

7. Crisis: Sully and his son are caught, and they fight through hell to stay alive and get to a medical bay.

8. Climax: Sully seals himself and his son in the medical bay and they work together to extract the parasites within him before they hatch.

9. Resolution: Sully and his son save themselves, forming a closer relationship than either could’ve imagined after the torture they endured together.

Outline

INT. APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Flash forward of Sully holding his son, Isaiah (about 8-10 years old), who is coughing uncontrollably. Sully apologizes to his son before a shotgun blast is heard.

INT. SPACE COLONY – NEW CONSTRUCTION ZONE – DAY

Establish the space colony on another planet, as we follow Sully working as a master carpenter with a team of other workers. One of the workers runs into a problem, but Sully is able to save the construction site and the workers.

CONT.

Isaiah sneaks into the construction site and asks his dad to spend the day with him. Sully tells him to go back to his virtual class, explaining there’s a lot of work he has to do, and that the construction site is no place for children.

CONT.

Isaiah sneaks off to pull a prank on his dad, nearly hurting a number of workers in the process. Isaiah runs away, scared of the punishment he’ll receive. Sully is then called into his manager’s office.

INT. CONSTRUCTION ZONE – MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY

Sully informs his boss that Isaiah is mentally delayed in some areas, but the boss tells Sully he must get his child under control. Boss- “This is space! We can’t take risks here, or lives will be lost!” An alarm goes off warning of aliens.

INT. SPACE COLONY – VARIOUS – DAY

Everyone is moving in a rapid but orderly manner, except Sully who’s fighting against the crowd to get to his son.

CONT.

A family of three argue to get their teenage son, who’s looking sick, into the bunker with them.

INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – DAY

Sully searches for his son high and low, but each time he gets close, Isaiah runs away.

INT. BUNKER – DAY

The family of three make it into the bunker and start looking for medical supplies, when their son passes out. A doctor starts administering treatment.

INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – DAY

Sully is able to coax Isaiah out of hiding, and they both run to the bunker.

INT. BUNKER – DAY

Teenager wakes up very sick, and his compulsive coughing and vomiting up blood cracks his jaw and tears the seams of his mouth.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully and Isaiah get to the bunker too late. It’s sealed shut. They’re stuck on the outside with the aliens.

CONT.

An alien worm discovers and pursues them. Sully runs with Isaiah in tow, and manages to lock the alien behind a door.

CONT.

More alien worms come out of hiding and hunt them. However, a frail old lady who didn’t make it to the bunker takes Sully and Isaiah to her room where she believes they can fortify their position and prepare for the worst to come.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

They make it to a corner room of the Old Lady’s apartment and slam the door on the aliens. The Old Lady teaches Sully to makeshift a weapon, and the two fight off the hostile aliens.

CONT.

Isaiah picks up a weapon and swings it wildly. Sully gets the weapon back, but not before getting hit with it. Sully- “You don’t have a say! You don’t have any privileges! You do what I say, when I say it, or else!”

CONT.

Sully and Old Lady fortify apartment, while Isaiah sulks in the corner. Old Lady comforts Isaiah and introduces herself as a spy for the Hegemony.

INT. SPACE SHIP – CRYO-BUNKS

A passenger wakes up to an alert, along with the rest of the ship. The passenger is a foreigner among a crew that speaks a different language.

INT. SPACE SHIP – LUNCH HALL

The passenger learns with the rest of the ship that their voyage has been redirected, and that the passengers are now conscripts to wipe out an outbreak of alien parasites and any survivors not in their designated bunker.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully asks why the spy isn’t in the bunker. The spy reveals that she’s infected, and tells Sully to take it easy because they’re all going to die, regardless of what they do.

INT. SPACE SHIP – HANGER

The passengers are equipped with 3-D printed weapons that have one short range round each. The passenger we’ve followed takes a stand, and other passengers join in a protest.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully asks why the spy helped them if they’re going to die anyways. The spy explains that she’s making peace with GOD, as she was sent to cover up the Hegemony’s involvement with the escalating outbreaks of aliens. She takes a lethal injection that kills her and the alien eggs inside of her as they’re hatching.

INT. SPACE SHIP – HANGER

The protestors are publicly executed as an example for anyone who’s unwilling to follow the orders.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully discovers a way inside the bunker by reviewing schematics left behind by the spy. He decides he’s going to try and save his and his son’s lives.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS/HALLWAYS – NIGHT

Sully locks Isaiah in a closet to keep him safe while he ventures out alone to find out if the schematics are correct. He apologizes but insists it’s for his own good.

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Sully climbs across a bridge in a ventilation suit, looking out for any other worms or spore nests. His weight puts too much pressure on one point, but it holds…for now.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Isaiah is able to find a way out of his confinement and track down his dad.

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Isaiah runs across the walkway in an oversized ventilation suit. He comes across the same weak point his dad came across, and goes around it.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/BUNKER – NIGHT

Sully drops into the bunker and discovers all of the residents are now alien hosts, including the teenager and his family. He tries to fight back, but there’re too many of them, and he can’t reach the escape.

INT/EXT. SPACE COLONY – BUNKER/WALKWAY – NIGHT

Isaiah is able to save his dad at the last moment by dropping a line for him, and the two escape.

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Isaiah insists on a different way from his Dad. With the hosts still tailing them, Sully pushes Isaiah in the direction he believes they need to go, leading to Isaiah falling through the same weak point as before, onto an alien spore nest that infects Isaiah.

INT. SPACE COLONY – ALIEN SPORE NEST/VENTS – NIGHT

Sully, holding his breath, pulls Isaiah out of the nest and places replaces Isaiah’s broken ventilation mask with his. He kills another host and seals the way to them as best he can.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully and Isaiah make it back to their hideout. Though Sully is upset that Isaiah left the safety of the closet he was in, he thanks Isaiah for saving him, and admits he should’ve listened.

INT/EXT. SPACE COLONY – NIGHT

The Liquidators arrive in force to exterminate the alien threat and any infected, while Sully gathers as much of the Spy’s evidence as he can. Sully and Isaiah try to hide, but Isaiah develops a cough, drawing the attention of liquidators and aliens alike.

CONT.

Sully apologizes to his son and asks him for help, while the two are surrounded. A shotgun blast goes off, killing one of the hosts, while two more tear into a liquidator.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS AND HIDEAWAYS – NIGHT

Isaiah and Sully try sneaking around the carnage surrounding them, but Liquidators find and chase after the two. Sully releases the alien worm he locked up earlier, and the two make a break for it and escape.

INT. LIQUIDATOR VESSEL – NIGHT

Sully and Isaiah make it to the ship, but are found out due to Isaiah’s coughing that’s getting worse. With nowhere else to hide, the two run like hell to the Medical Bay.

INT. LIQUIDATOR VESSEL/MEDICAL BAY – NIGHT

They make it to the medical bay and lock themselves inside. Meanwhile, military and liquidators try to break in to kill the two. Sully and Isaiah work together, against the clock, to extract the alien eggs that are growing rapidly in Isaiah’s chest.

CONT.

The extracted eggs start to hatch, but Sully pours a liquid substance over the hatching worms, killing them.

INT. LIQUIDATOR VESSEL/MEDICAL BAY – NIGHT

Sully holds his son close as military personnel break in. Sully reveals the Hegemony’s involvement with the outbreaks, but an officer pulls out his firearm to shoot the father and son.

CONT.

The liquidators form a wall around Sully and retaliate against the officer and his men, setting the stage for a mutiny.

INT. LIQUIDATOR’S VESSEL/ESCAPE POD – NIGHT

One of the conscripted liquidators gathers up Sully’s documents and gets Sully and his son to an escape pod. He hands the documents to Sully and tells them to get the word out.

INT. ESCAPE POD/SPACE

Sully and Isaiah are jettisoned from the vessel aboard an escape pod. Sully holds Isaiah tight, as the two watch the planet they were colonizing fade into the distance.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Cameron Martin.

[Michael Katz]

Hi Cameron,

Would you like to exchange outline critiques?

I will work on yours in the morning.

Thank you,

Michael

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Michael!

I’d love to exchange feedback! I’ll get started on yours right away!

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

[June f]

Hi Cameron, Nice work! here’re my thoughts. Take what you can use and discard the rest. Also, if you want to comment on my piece, it’s “Retirement”

Sully’s character description: That’s his goal. What makes Sully distinctly unique for this story? What are his unique traits and quirks?

Main conflict: “Almost everything is trying to kill the two” Implies, at first glance, that they’re the only two uninfected humans left

Dilemma: I think the stakes need to be upped, such as, “Will Sully save his son and die, and if so, how will his son survive without him? And how will Sully remain human without his son?”

Good inciting incident

Page 10 typo They are sealed outside not inside

Mid-point (5) You’ve answered the main dilemma- can Sully’s son infect him? If so, wouldn’t he have to leave him? What’s the new dilemma after you solve your first? Later, you answer these questions but the worm/virus is unclear. Will explain below.

6. Very tense dramatic situation. Great

Questions: Why is it necessary to have a developmentally delayed child at all? And does the child’s arc include his maturation? If it’s a buddy movie, the child is a protagonist and also must have a clear arc.

When you state that they can lock an alien worm outside of a door, this stretches credulity. The worms penetrated the space station and the ship. It’s very unclear how this alien works and I think it would be helpful to clarify in the logline. Such as: Aliens invade, implant eggs in humans which have a gestation time of x- and when they hatch, the humans die. Humans cannot transmit human to human but if the eggs hatch they can infect.

How can the spy lady fight if she’s infected? How does she know she’s infected? Can she infect others? How does the parasite control others? Do people burst and die like in Alien?

Good resolution.

I think the genre is not totally ‘buddy’ but mostly action.

[Cameron Martin]

Thanks June! I’ll try to get to your outline this evening!

I pictured the worms as a kind of cross between real parasitic worms and wasps that take over people’s homes when left unabated. Though, I agree, ALIEN and ALIENS made the xenomorph life cycle must clearer through the action, and I’ll have to do the same for my script. You would be correct that they’re the only uninfected humans left. The rules regarding this could be made clearer. Sully’s call to action is more about him meeting his son’s needs than it is about a child maturing to something resembling adulthood. With that in mind, perhaps this is more Protagonist versus Antagonist than it is a true Buddy Movie. I definitely crossed the “Will Sully remain human without his son” bridge when retooling this concept. I loved the potential of “IAM LEGEND in space.” The relationship between father and son just fascinated me more when I considered the relationship I have with my son, and what kind of choices I would make if I were in Sully’s shoes.

Awesome feedback, and thanks so much again!

Cam

[Michael Katz]

Cameron Martin Open Wide

Hi Cameron,

Interesting mashing of interpersonal with special needs story with science fiction.

I think you are close.

Did you watch War of the Worlds? Imagine Tom Cruise playing Sully.

Or John Krasinski in A Quiet Place.

Father’s keeping their families safe from aliens, and having to deal with interpersonal relationship stuff along the way

I think you are intending to heal their relationship but you don’t have them really going through the steps – they just run and run.

Each obstacle should be an opportunity for relationship growth.

Each obstacle one trusts the other to lead the way – and they take turns.

Father is a carpenter, but you don’t use it.

Give the boy a clear skill.

Open Wide – not sure the title fits, are these worms eating people? or just infecting them with bites? or are they in their bloodstream?

Title has to hint at special needs boy story, no? – like A Quiet Place has a deaf girl, here the aliens and colony and the liquidators should all have some connection or allegory to special needs child, should build the world organically out of some special skill the special needs boy has, thematically you are choosing the setting because you have Isaiah, the aliens only make sense because of Isaiah

Please keep in mind that as I read, I just wrote down what came to mind…unfiltered and straightforward.

Outline reads very well, I could follow the action very well for the most part, you have great twists and predicaments!

A. Concept:

A father must survive an outbreak of alien parasitic worms that infect everyone in his commune, including his special needs son.

What kind of father? needs an adjective, single father or the element he has to change

There’s no context in your concept. Reader has no idea the situation as to how an outbreak like this could possibly happen. It needs desperately needs a setup like the “in a world where…” just in different words.

Without context…“commune” seems like a peculiar choice.

Special needs son…comes out of the blue and doesn’t seem related to the concept.

So overall as written I don’t really get it. It’s a bunch of interesting but disparate components shoved together without a fascinating hook.

What about: In a colonized planet in another solar system, a single father and his special needs son must work together and heal their relationship to survive a deadly outbreak of alien parasitic worms that infect everyone in his commune.

B. Plot Choice:

Escape – good

C. Character Structure:

#2 Buddy Movie – maybe not, are there buddy horror movies? does the boy change at the end? should you even have a special needs boy need to change at the end? at 10 years old unless he’s getting over the loss of his mom or needs to stop blaming his father, so does he need to change his behavior?, you would need to develop the boy’s change arc

might just be Dad vs the world, and he has to change and heal his relationship with his son to survive and keep his family safe

D. Lead Characters

Sully is the parent of a special needs child who struggles find a way to save both himself and his child from inevitable death. — struggles to find / he / from dying from alien infection

Isaiah is a developmentally delayed 8-10 year old who’s mannerisms have become more severe since the loss of his mother, and struggles to find his identity with the only parent he has left. — cleaner to just say 10-year-old / whose / what kind of mannerisms? needs an adjective / he struggles / is it his identity that is the issue or the relationship with his father? do 10-year-olds struggle with their identities?

Are you ready to give them last names?

E. Dramatic Question:

Will the father be able to save his son? – clean

F. Main Conflict:

Almost everything in the world, from alien hosts to conscripted liquidators, is trying to kill the two.

Father and son are trying to escape a deadly and dangerous world.

G. Dilemma:

Will Sully be patient and team up with his special needs son, or will he limit and confine him for his own good?

Without context “limit” is a confusing word.

…because he thinks his son is a burden that will get them killed.

H. Theme:

Genuine communication and collaboration is necessary for survival. – good

Not sure you need “genuine”

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any):

From impatient and unsure father to confident and collaborative parent. – excellent

J. Structure of your screenplay (9 beats, one sentence each):

1. Opening: Sully works on a project for his superiors while wrangling a child adamant on drawing as much attention as possible.

Even in the 1 sentences, we still need the context and important details

Sully is a what who is working on a what project while trying to wrangle his special needs child who is uncontrollable and causing embarrassing disruption in the office.

2. Inciting Incident: An alarm goes off, warning the colonists to gather in a bunker to wait out an infestation of parasitic alien worms until liquidators can arrive to exterminate the worms, but Sully can’t find his child before the bunker closes shut.

A siren warns

“liquidators” is an interesting choice – is that what they are called?

exterminators can arrive to eradicate/extinguish/eliminate

bunker is sealed

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Sully starts coming up with a plan for him and his son to survive and find a way inside the sealed bunker.

while trying to find

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: Sully sets out on his own after locking his son in a secure location.

5. Mid-Point: Sully reaches the bunker but discovers all the residents were infected and are now monsters. Sully’s child is able to save him after breaking out of his confinement, but gets infected as a brood mother as a result.

Brutal!

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: The liquidators arrive to kill the infected and any survivors, but Sully and his son find a way to sneak onto the liquidator’s vessel to get back to earth.

7. Crisis: Sully and his son are caught, and they fight through hell to stay alive and get to a medical bay.

“through hell” – stay grounded, they fight to stay alive

8. Climax: Sully seals himself and his son in the medical bay and they work together to extract the parasites within him before they hatch.

“he and his son” is they are doing something, and “him and his son” if something is happening to them, right???

9. Resolution: Sully and his son save themselves, forming a closer relationship than either could’ve imagined after the torture they endured together – delete

and form an extremely tight and loving bond.

Outline

INT. APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Flash forward of Sully holding his son, Isaiah (about 8-10 years old), who is coughing uncontrollably. Sully apologizes to his son before a shotgun blast is heard.

Not sure about this scene being the opening image – I’m not understanding, you are in space, we need a little sci-fi, no?

INT. SPACE COLONY – NEW CONSTRUCTION ZONE – DAY

Establish the space colony on another planet, as we follow Sully working as a master carpenter with a team of other workers. One of the workers runs into a problem, but Sully is able to save the construction site and the workers.

so he’s got some skills – good

CONT.

Isaiah sneaks into the construction site and asks his dad to spend the day with him. Sully tells him to go back to his virtual class, explaining there’s a lot of work he has to do, and that the construction site is no place for children.

a little young to be unsupervised, did he ditch someone first, and then sneak…

explaining or threatening discipline? – father should be exasperated and short fused, show bad relationship without making the father evil

CONT.

Isaiah sneaks off to pull a prank on his dad, nearly hurting a number of workers in the process. Isaiah runs away, scared of the punishment he’ll receive. Sully is then called into his manager’s office.

pull a prank? or do something loving or to get attention that backfires

or is he a completely a troublemaker/bad seed? – which I don’t think you want to make a movie about a special needs kid and him be a terrible person

INT. CONSTRUCTION ZONE – MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY

Sully informs his boss that Isaiah is mentally delayed in some areas, but the boss tells Sully he must get his child under control. Boss- “This is space! We can’t take risks here, or lives will be lost!” An alarm goes off warning of aliens.

INT. SPACE COLONY – VARIOUS – DAY

Everyone is moving in a rapid but orderly manner, except Sully who’s fighting against the crowd to get to his son.

CONT.

A family of three argue to get their teenage son, who’s looking sick, into the bunker with them.

INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – DAY

Sully searches for his son high and low, but each time he gets close, Isaiah runs away.

Does the kid think it is a game? does he understand the sirens, but is punishing bad daddy?, we know dad loves his son but is exasperated, just trying to figure out the kid’s motivation, so I guess it is unclear so far

INT. BUNKER – DAY

The family of three make it into the bunker and start looking for medical supplies, when their son passes out. A doctor starts administering treatment.

is the doctor not following safety protocol? quarantining, or are these alien parasite worms new to the colony and nobody understands the contagious predicament

INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – DAY

Sully is able to coax Isaiah out of hiding, and they both run to the bunker.

with a promise? a toy, give us some insight

INT. BUNKER – DAY

Teenager wakes up very sick, and his compulsive coughing and vomiting up blood cracks his jaw and tears the seams of his mouth.

holy shit!

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully and Isaiah get to the bunker too late. It’s sealed shut. They’re stuck on the outside with the aliens.

we need some description of the aliens, what are they up against, immediate danger?

CONT.

An alien worm discovers and pursues them. Sully runs with Isaiah in tow, and manages to lock the alien behind a door.

does the worm slither, fly, swarm? fast or slow? how big is it? do they have an agenda?

CONT.

More alien worms come out of hiding and hunt them. However, a frail old lady who didn’t make it to the bunker takes Sully and Isaiah to her room where she believes they can fortify their position and prepare for the worst to come.

instead of old lady, you could make it a prospective partner for the father and mother for the kid, and sci-fi loves a pretty woman, it could be a nice subplot, but alas you need to quickly kill her because the point of the movie is the boy and father relationship is paramount

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

They make it to a corner room of the Old Lady’s apartment and slam the door on the aliens. The Old Lady teaches Sully to makeshift a weapon, and the two fight off the hostile aliens.

Lady maybe teaches an ingenius technique with smells or light to keep the worms at bay, but shouldn’t all weapon making be left to the skilled carpenter father?

CONT.

Isaiah picks up a weapon and swings it wildly. Sully gets the weapon back, but not before getting hit with it. Sully- “You don’t have a say! You don’t have any privileges! You do what I say, when I say it, or else!”

Isaiah could pick up a regular household item and though he’s being dangerous it sparks an idea for a better weapon than the one Sully just made

CONT.

Sully and Old Lady fortify apartment, while Isaiah sulks in the corner. Old Lady comforts Isaiah and introduces herself as a spy for the Hegemony.

for the Hegemony, a [description please!]

INT. SPACE SHIP – CRYO-BUNKS

A passenger wakes up to an alert, along with the rest of the ship. The passenger is a foreigner among a crew that speaks a different language.

INT. SPACE SHIP – LUNCH HALL

The passenger learns with the rest of the ship that their voyage has been redirected, and that the passengers are now conscripts to wipe out an outbreak of alien parasites and any survivors not in their designated bunker.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully asks why the spy isn’t in the bunker. The spy reveals that she’s infected, and tells Sully to take it easy because they’re all going to die, regardless of what they do.

INT. SPACE SHIP – HANGER

The passengers are equipped with 3-D printed weapons that have one short range round each. The passenger we’ve followed takes a stand, and other passengers join in a protest.

Easier to follow if you give the passenger a name – oh wait, you are killing him???

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully asks why the spy helped them if they’re going to die anyways. The spy explains that she’s making peace with GOD, as she was sent to cover up the Hegemony’s involvement with the escalating outbreaks of aliens. She takes a lethal injection that kills her and the alien eggs inside of her as they’re hatching.

does she leave them with any good advice? or does she give sully more of the injection…just in case?

INT. SPACE SHIP – HANGER

The protestors are publicly executed as an example for anyone who’s unwilling to follow the orders.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully discovers a way inside the bunker by reviewing schematics left behind by the spy. He decides he’s going to try and save his and his son’s lives.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS/HALLWAYS – NIGHT

Sully locks Isaiah in a closet to keep him safe while he ventures out alone to find out if the schematics are correct. He apologizes but insists it’s for his own good.

He tells him he is leaving? or just distracts him and goes?

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Sully climbs across a bridge in a ventilation suit, looking out for any other worms or spore nests. His weight puts too much pressure on one point, but it holds…for now.

confusing…pressure on one point of what? the bridge? this is not its intended purpose? – you are probably foreshadowing but there has to be some logic to the danger

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Isaiah is able to find a way out of his confinement and track down his dad – delete.

is this a callback to how he escaped the apartment originally – or is he macguver too?

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Isaiah runs across the walkway in an oversized ventilation suit. He comes across the same weak point his dad came across, and goes around it.

Isaiah knows to wear a suit? he understands a weak point in the bridge? – why have a weak point if nobody falls? how does the boy have tracking skills?

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/BUNKER – NIGHT

Sully drops into the bunker and discovers all of the residents are now alien hosts, including the teenager and his family. He tries to fight back, but there’re too many of them, and he can’t reach the escape.

you need a scene right before showing Sully finding the entry point according to the schematics

INT/EXT. SPACE COLONY – BUNKER/WALKWAY – NIGHT

Isaiah is able to save his dad at the last moment by dropping a line for him, and the two escape.

not exactly believable, the boy doesn’t have the schematics, the boy can’t lift a grown man

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Isaiah insists on a different way from his Dad. With the hosts still tailing them, Sully pushes Isaiah in the direction he believes they need to go, leading to Isaiah falling through the same weak point as before, onto an alien spore nest that infects Isaiah.

Oh that’s poor parenting) and the guilt trip would be insufferable!

But why does the kid know better? need to establish that he has a skill that his dad is ignoring

INT. SPACE COLONY – ALIEN SPORE NEST/VENTS – NIGHT

Sully, holding his breath, pulls Isaiah out of the nest and places replaces Isaiah’s broken ventilation mask with his. He kills another host and seals the way to them as best he can.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully and Isaiah make it back to their hideout. Though Sully is upset that Isaiah left the safety of the closet he was in, he thanks Isaiah for saving him, and admits he should’ve listened.

They need to go to the next location, don’t go back to the same hideout, give us something else

INT/EXT. SPACE COLONY – NIGHT

The Liquidators arrive in force to exterminate the alien threat and any infected, while Sully gathers as much of the Spy’s evidence as he can. Sully and Isaiah try to hide, but Isaiah develops a cough, drawing the attention of liquidators and aliens alike.

CONT.

Sully apologizes to his son and asks him for help, while the two are surrounded. A shotgun blast goes off, killing one of the hosts, while two more tear into a liquidator.

Confusing, sully asks whom for help? what kind of help?, surrounded by liquidators or by worms? who is shooting? this is important action and needs to be clear

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS AND HIDEAWAYS – NIGHT

Isaiah and Sully try sneaking around the carnage surrounding them, but Liquidators find and chase after the two. Sully releases the alien worm he locked up earlier, and the two make a break for it and escape.

So did Sully already know about the dangers of liquidators?

And does not sacrificing one life to save many have validity? or Isaiah is more important to him than the rest of humanity on the planet, it’s not like the liquidators are evil people…unless they know about a cure???

INT. LIQUIDATOR VESSEL – NIGHT

Sully and Isaiah make it to the ship, but are found out due to Isaiah’s coughing that’s getting worse. With nowhere else to hide, the two run like hell to the Medical Bay.

too much for 1 scene, break this up so each thing gets full action and thrill

INT. LIQUIDATOR VESSEL/MEDICAL BAY – NIGHT

They make it to the medical bay and lock themselves inside. Meanwhile, military and liquidators try to break in to kill the two. Sully and Isaiah work together, against the clock, to extract the alien eggs that are growing rapidly in Isaiah’s chest.

do they hurt the nurses and doctors already in the medical bay? hard to believe empty

break this up into scenes, they get inside and barricade themselves in, next scene they are have a good conversation about feelings when suddenly the boy doesn’t feel well…, then medical procedure

CONT.

The extracted eggs start to hatch, but Sully pours a liquid substance over the hatching worms, killing them.

Make it like weed killer spray 😉

So there is a cure??? why isn’t it readily available on the planet? why didn’t the doctor have some for that sick teenager?

INT. LIQUIDATOR VESSEL/MEDICAL BAY – NIGHT

Sully holds his son close as military personnel break in. Sully reveals the Hegemony’s involvement with the outbreaks, but an officer pulls out his firearm to shoot the father and son.

CONT.

The liquidators form a wall around Sully and retaliate against the officer and his men, setting the stage for a mutiny.

The politics of this are not sticking with me, I don’t understand the mutiny

INT. LIQUIDATOR’S VESSEL/ESCAPE POD – NIGHT

One of the conscripted liquidators gathers up Sully’s documents and gets Sully and his son to an escape pod. He hands the documents to Sully and tells them to get the word out.

Why isn’t this the foreign passenger you introduced earlier but then executed? maybe create a subplot where the passenger makes the politics more clear and then aids their escape at the end

INT. ESCAPE POD/SPACE

Sully and Isaiah are jettisoned from the vessel aboard an escape pod. Sully holds Isaiah tight, as the two watch the planet they were colonizing fade into the distance.

Being in an escape pod with no plan, no destination, and no allies is not the most hopeful ending

What’s the takeaway? learn to better love your son and live 1 more day, don’t you want them to be safe safe at the end, or are you imagining a sequel)

And where’s the father/son relationship fixing? you have to have the dad love his son and make us cry

Hopefully some of my feedback helps, opportunities to elevate

Nice work, Cameron!

[Cameron Martin]

Thanks Michael!

Man, it’s been years since I last saw WAR OF THE WORLDS. It’s been on my Apple wishlist for a minute. Great comparison to those two films. I’ll give ‘em both a watch soon.

Originally, Sully was more forceful with Isaiah, but he came across as too unlikable. When I toned it down for him, he did lose a lot of that arc you’re talking about. I’ve got to find the something new or the right balance for Sully to be sympathizable. I agree with your point that the obstacles should be an opportunity for the relationship to grow, and will start there when going back to the drawing board.

Father being a carpenter was a lazy first attempt at putting a skill I have in the script to limit extra research. I’d rather go along with something I know instead of something I don’t, so I’ll have to work a little harder at making that skill relevant. Same with Isaiah’s skill. I agree that it doesn’t translate as well as it could.

Long story short on the title is that it wasn’t supposed to be a real title in the beginning, and this wasn’t supposed to be a real concept. I got frustrated one day at my day job from not being able to write, and came up with mouths stretching out of faces like they were attached to snakes as a joke. But the more I wrote, the more interested I became. The title works on a number of levels (from opening your eyes, telling kids to “open wide”, to the way the worms take over their host’s body) but it it might be too vague to sell someone on the first pitch. I like some of the points you made on A QUIET PLACE and how the title works with the world and its characters. Great ideas! Can’t wait to apply them!

You know what? I need to get a lot better at communicating my concepts. I realized this was an area of weakness for me, but man. Thanks for the notes on this. They’re really informative.

Yep! Sully and Isaiah have to be developed more. Luckily, the next module will help with this, but your notes do give me some ideas on what I should’ve already had in place.

I never think about last names for my characters. Don’t know why ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I agree on the dilemma. Sully and Isaiah’s relationship does need more work.

On “liquidators” – When I first started writing the script with no plan in mind, I ran out of steam after the first 17 pages or so. Borrowed from CHERNOBYL and came up with conscripts as a way to add a ticking clock and irony to the story. Though, “exterminators” is a perfectly functional term for the role the passengers are conscripted to play in the B plot.

I love all of your notes for the outline. They make it clear where I need to clarify points in the story, or rework the logic in some scenes. I’d say the ending takes some inspiration from THE LAST OF US; and I’ll agree with Neil Druckmann that for parents, their children come before the rest of the world. By contrast, I get the ending for THE MIST, but there’s a reason I don’t go back to watch that film. Great idea with the passenger I killed off almost as soon as I introduced him. It would make sense for him to be a logic thread we can follow to make better sense of the world. There’s not really a cure so much as there’s an invasive surgery the dad renders on his own son to save him. I originally had this outline broken down more to fit Hal’s requirements, and planned on expanding down the road when we actually write out the scenes, but it’s not fair to you or any other reader to be missing some key context on how the rules of this world work, even in an outline.

Thanks again for your amazing feedback! Looking forward to applying it and making this thing work the way it’s supposed to!

Cam

[Arthur Anderson]

Hey Cameron:

Would you like to exchange critiques?

Best,

Arthur

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Arthur!

I’d love to exchange feedback! I just posted the updated version of my outline. Can’t wait to read yours!

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Notes: Still working on rethinking the title according to Michael’s notes, along with getting the action of the ending clearer. Not happy yet with the Markus subplot, but it’s a starting point. Great questions and suggestions by both June and Michael helped me to make the aliens clearer in how they work and also tighten up the necessary questions. Got a long way to go…

OPEN WIDE v.2

Concept: On a recently colonized planet, a single father and his special needs son must find a way to work together and heal their relationship in order to survive a deadly infestation of alien, parasitic worms that infect and turn everyone in his colony into ravenous monsters.

<div>

B. Plot Choice:

Escape

C. Character Structure:

#1 Protagonist versus Antagonist

D. Lead Characters

Sully is a talented and creative builder, but also a widower and single parent of a special needs child. His struggles to move past his own expectations and connect with his son come to a breaking point when he must rescue his son from monstrous alien parasites, both throughout the confines of the space colony and within his son’s own lungs.

Isaiah is an 8-12 year old who falls somewhere on the autistic spectrum. His mannerisms have become more severe since the loss of his mother, and his obsession with puzzles and escape routes both lead him to trouble and save his dad on more than one occasion.

E. Dramatic Question:

Will the father be able to save his son?

F. Main Conflict:

Almost everything in the world, from alien hosts to conscripted exterminators, is trying to kill the two.

G. Dilemma(s):

First Sully must choose between abandoning his son for the safety of the bunker versus staying with his son and risk dying with him. The next dilemma is built up through the second act with subplots where different characters are faced with the moral dilemma of sacrificing the life/lives of the few (sometimes their own) for the sake of the many. When Sully is faced with this same choice, he risks the lives of many for the sake of his son. Finally, the prevailing dilemma Sully faces is how much trust he can or should place in his own son. Isaiah is determined to be recognized by his father and meet his expectations, but his autistic mannerisms make it difficult for Sully to trust him. The problem is the harder Sully restrains Isaiah, the more reckless Isaiah becomes in his pursuit to prove himself to the only parent he has left, and the one who understands him the least.

H. Theme:

Mutual communication and collaboration are necessary for survival.

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any):

From impatient and unsure father to confident and collaborative parent.

J. Structure of your screenplay (9 beats, one sentence each):

1. Opening: Sully is a talented builder who’s work on a newly developing space colony is invaluable for the success of establishing sustainable human life on dangerous, hostile planet, but it’s the reckless actions of his autistic son that draw the most attention from Sully’s superiors.

2. Inciting Incident: A siren warns the colonists to gather in a bunker to wait out an infestation of parasitic alien worms until exterminators can arrive to extinguish the nest that’s developed and grown inside the outer walls of the colony.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Sully can’t find his child before the bunker is sealed, requiring him to find a way to protect both himself and his son from the monsters that are all around them.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: Sully receives help from another colonist (a spy) whose documents unveil a possible alternative way inside the Bunker, prompting Sully to lock his son in a secure location before taking on the dangerous reconnaissance to validate the findings.

5. Mid-Point: Sully reaches the bunker but discovers all the residents were infected and are now monsters. Sully’s child is able to save him after breaking out of his confinement, but gets infected as a brood mother as a result.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: The exterminators arrive to kill the infected and any survivors, trapping Sully between an army and a swarm.

7. Crisis: Sully and his son try sneaking their way to a medical bay on board the exterminator’s ship in order to surgically remove the eggs that are rapidly growing in Isaiah’s lungs, but when Isaiah starts coughing, they draw the attention of everyone trying to kill them.

8. Climax: Sully seals himself and his son in the medical bay and they work together to extract the parasites within him before they hatch.

9. Resolution: Sully and his son save themselves, forming a closer, loving relationship.

OPEN WIDE

INT. APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Following an establishing shot/montage of an alien solar system and a space colony on another planet, we flash forward to the carnage painting the walls of the space colony maroon, and Sully holding his son, Isaiah (about 8-12 years old), who is coughing uncontrollably. Sully apologizes to his son before a shotgun blast is heard.

INT. SPACE COLONY – NEW CONSTRUCTION ZONE – DAY

Establish the space colony on another planet, as we follow Sully working as a master carpenter with a team of other workers. One of the workers runs into a problem, but Sully is able to save the construction site and the workers.

CONT.

Isaiah sneaks into the construction site and asks his dad to spend the day with him. Sully tells him he needs to go back to his class, explaining there’s a lot of work he has to do, and that the construction site is no place for children, before requesting an assistant to escort Isaiah back.

CONT.

Isaiah sneaks off from the escort to pull a prank on his dad and show him that he knows how to exploit every nook and cranny in the space colony, but in the process he nearly hurts a number of the workers at the new construction zone. Isaiah runs away, scared of the punishment he’ll receive, before Sully is called into his manager’s office.

INT. CONSTRUCTION ZONE – MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY

Sully informs his boss that Isaiah is mentally delayed in some areas, but the boss tells Sully he must get his child under control. Boss- “Terraforming is only halfway done. That means it’s still dangerous outside, and that means what? We can’t take risks here, or lives will be lost!” An alarm goes off warning of aliens.

INT. SPACE COLONY – VARIOUS – DAY

Everyone is moving in a rapid but orderly manner, except Sully who’s fighting against the crowd to get to his son.

CONT.

A family of three argue to get their teenage son, who’s looking sick, into the bunker with them. The mother and father argue about the virtue of protocol at the expense of humanity, and a doctor who knows the family vouches for them.

INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – DAY

Sully finds Isaiah hiding in a corner with his eyes closed and his hands over his ears, while making noises to tune out the siren. Sully tries grabbing him by the hand, but as soon as Isaiah’s hand leaves his ear, exposing him to the loud sound of the siren, he runs away and hides again.

INT. BUNKER – DAY

The family of three make it into the bunker and start looking for medical supplies, when their son passes out. The doctor starts administering treatment, telling the other scared colonists that it’s just a bad case of pneumonia, and that some people’s lungs struggle with the artificial air, and that this has been the case with the teenager for months now.

INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – DAY

Sully takes a headband out of his deceased wife’s drawer (untouched for weeks) and fashions earmuffs with it. He gives it to Isaiah who doesn’t want to be carried, but Sully picks him up anyway so they can get to the bunker faster.

INT. BUNKER – DAY

Teenager wakes up very sick, and his compulsive coughing and vomiting up blood cracks his jaw and tears the seams of his mouth.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully and Isaiah get to the bunker too late, with Isaiah still trying to get out of Sully’s grip. Sully is pissed off with Isaiah and lets him know as calmly as he can, informing him that they’ll have to work together to make it out alive.

CONT.

An adult alien worm (about 15 feet long) breaks through of a vent and slithers after them. Sully runs with Isaiah in tow, drawing the worm into another apartment living quarters, and manages to lock the alien behind a door.

CONT.

More alien worms come out of hiding and hunt them. However, Jude, a frail old lady who didn’t make it to the bunker, takes Sully and Isaiah to her room where she believes they can fortify their position and prepare for the worst to come.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

They make it to a corner/tool room of Jude’s apartment and slam the door on the aliens. Sully goes to work make-shifting a weapon, and to his surprise Jude pulls out a laser gun from a safe. The two fight off the hostile aliens, and Jude doesn’t miss a single shot.

CONT.

Isaiah picks up a circular saw in the midst of the chaos and swings it wildly. Sully, not wanting Isaiah to handle anything dangerous, gets the weapon back, but not before almost losing an arm in doing so. Sully- “You don’t have a say! You do what I say, when I say it, or else! That’s how we’re going to get through this!”

CONT.

Sully and Jude fortify apartment, while Isaiah sulks in the corner. Jude comforts Isaiah and introduces herself as a spy for the Hegemony (the government entity that presides over the space colony).

INT. SPACE SHIP – CRYO-BUNKS

A passenger wakes up to an alert, along with the rest of the ship. The passenger is a foreigner among a crew that speaks a different language.

INT. SPACE SHIP – LUNCH HALL

The passenger, Markus, learns with the rest of the ship that their voyage has been redirected, and that the passengers are now conscripts to wipe out an outbreak of alien parasites and any survivors not in their designated bunker.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully asks why Jude isn’t in the bunker. Jude reveals that she was infected on her way to the bunker, and tells Sully to take it easy because they’re all going to die, regardless of what they do.

Jude – “You know how they work, don’t you? Their eggs grow like a fungus from back on Earth. At the end of her cycle, the queen burrows deep and her eggs grow out of her in any confined space, whether it be a cave, a tree hollow…or a space colony. Then, the fungal eggs are carried on the wind, or ventilation system, and breathed deep by a new host, where they’ll grow in less than an hour, so that GOD knows how many worms hatch from inside you, and take over your body like it’s their shell to go hunting with.”

INT. SPACE SHIP – HANGER

The passengers are equipped with 3-D printed weapons that have one short range round each. Markus is asked to join several other passengers in taking a stand.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully asks why the spy helped them if they’re going to die anyways. The spy explains that she’s making peace with GOD, as she was sent to cover up the Hegemony’s involvement with the escalating outbreaks of aliens. She takes a lethal injection that kills her and the alien eggs inside of her as they’re hatching.

Jude – “It’s funny, you know. There used to be a natural predator to these monsters, but we wiped them all out when we started terraforming the planet. Somehow, the worms survived and are thriving now more than nature ever intended. Now any new space colony risks an outbreak. But you know our government will never own up to their mistakes. Terraforming is expensive, and we’ve just put too much into this planet to stop now.”

INT. SPACE SHIP – HANGER

Markus is brought aside by the ship military’s commanding officer, who bribes Markus to oust the prospective mutineers. When Markus accepts the bribe to spare himself from conscription, the mutineers are publicly executed as an example for anyone who’s unwilling to follow the orders. Markus is conscripted anyway, but is handed a actual revolver so he stands more of a chance.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully discovers a way inside the bunker by reviewing schematics left behind by the spy. He decides he’s going to try and save his and his son’s lives.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS/HALLWAYS – NIGHT

Sully lures Isaiah into a closet and locks him inside to keep him safe while he ventures out alone to find out if the schematics are correct. He apologizes but insists it’s for his own good.

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Sully inches across the roof of the enclosed space colony in a ventilation suit, looking out for any other worms or spore nests. He walks over a weak point in the structure, but it manages to hold. Sully makes a mental note to avoid that spot in the future.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Isaiah is able to escape from his closet. He gathers rope and some tools from the tool room, and a spare ventilation suit.

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Isaiah runs across the walkway in an oversized ventilation suit. He comes across the same weak point his dad came across, but because of its location on the structure, Isaiah has to go around it by climbing on the side of the building.

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Sully opens up a point in the roof with a grinder and crawls into a shaft that leads to the bunker.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/BUNKER – NIGHT

Sully uses the grinder to open a hole into the bunker. When he drops down into the bunker, he discovers all of the residents are now alien hosts, including the teenager and his family, who attack him on all fours and lash out with their jaws that separate from their skulls with the worm’s body attaching the two. He tries to fight back, but there’re too many of them, and he can’t reach the escape.

INT/EXT. SPACE COLONY – BUNKER/WALKWAY – NIGHT

Isaiah is able to save his dad at the last moment by dropping the rope for him. Dad climbs up the rope that’s anchored to the vent, through the use of the power tools Isaiah brought.

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Isaiah insists on a different way from his Dad. Stressed about the hosts still tailing them, Sully forgets about the weak point in the structure, and pushes Isaiah in the direction he believes they need to go, leading to Isaiah falling through the same weak point as before, onto an alien spore nest that infects Isaiah when his mask breaks.

INT. SPACE COLONY – ALIEN SPORE NEST/VENTS – NIGHT

Sully, holding his breath, pulls Isaiah out of the nest and replaces Isaiah’s broken ventilation mask with his. He kills another host on his way back inside the colony, and seals the way in as best he can.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully is upset that Isaiah left the safety of the closet he was in, but expresses remorse about pushing Isaiah into the nest.

Sully – “I knew it was there. How could I forget? Why did I push you when I knew it was a mistake!?”

INT/EXT. SPACE COLONY – NIGHT

The Exterminators arrive in force to exterminate the alien threat and any infected, while Sully gathers as much of the Spy’s evidence as he can. Sully and Isaiah try to hide, but Isaiah develops a cough, drawing the attention of exterminators and aliens alike.

CONT.

While the two are surrounded, Sully apologizes to his son and asks him to help by using his knowledge of escape routes to get them to a medical bay aboard the exterminator’s vessel. A shotgun blast goes off, killing one of the hosts, while two more tear into an exterminator.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS AND HIDEAWAYS – NIGHT

Isaiah and Sully try sneaking around the carnage surrounding them, but exterminators find and chase after the two. Sully releases the alien worm he locked up earlier, and the two make a break for it and escape.

INT. PASSENGER VESSEL – NIGHT

Sully and Isaiah make it to the ship, but are found out due to Isaiah’s coughing that’s getting worse. With nowhere else to hide, the two run as fast as they can to the Medical Bay, with Sully using his makeshift weapon against the exterminators by aiming for their hands and guns, until it’s out of ammo.

INT. PASSENGER VESSEL/MEDICAL BAY – NIGHT

They make it to the medical bay and lock themselves inside. Meanwhile, military and exterminators try to break in to kill the two. Sully and Isaiah work together, against the clock, to extract the alien eggs that are growing rapidly in Isaiah’s chest.

CONT.

The extracted eggs start to hatch, but Sully pours liquid nitrogen over the hatching worms, killing them.

INT. PASSENGER VESSEL/MEDICAL BAY – NIGHT

Sully holds his son close as exterminators and military personnel break in. Markus is among them. Sully reveals the Hegemony’s involvement with the outbreaks, but an officer pulls out his firearm to shoot the father and son.

CONT.

Markus uses the revolver he was given earlier and shoots the officer. He and the other exterminators form a wall around Sully, setting the stage for a mutiny.

INT. PASSENGER’S VESSEL/ESCAPE POD – NIGHT

Markus gathers up Sully’s documents and gets Sully and his son to an escape pod. He hands the documents to Sully and tells them to get the word out.

INT. ESCAPE POD/SPACE

Sully and Isaiah are jettisoned from the vessel aboard an escape pod. Sully holds Isaiah tight, as the two watch the planet they were colonizing fade into the distance.

</div>

[Arthur Anderson]

Hey Cameron:

I really like your story of the father and son trapped in an enclosed environment: no air outside, aliens inside. The emotion and action of Sully trying to save his son are great. I also think you have a good structure for the story.

Since Sully is a builder, is it possible that he builds the greenhouses on the colony that gives him some special knowledge of horticulture and gives him some special incites on fighting the parasites? What applies to small parasites could be supersized to fight the large ones: electrocuting them with electric grids he improvises, Molotov cocktails to burn them, salt which makes them shrink up, etc.

I was also thinking that Isaiah’s special need could be a strong asset in the fight against the parasites. With his hyper-sensitivity, he may be able to sense their location and aid in their escape.

In the medical bay scene where they are attempting to remove the parasites by surgery, I was wondering if there is a more efficient way to remove them. ie. Some ideas (1) He has Isaiah lay face down and uses the defibrillator on his back. Since they are susceptible to electricity, Isaiah is able to cough them out (2) Maybe the parasites are sensitive to audio frequencies, and he uses a frequency modulator to drive them out (3) he uses a nebulizer and has him inhale a substance that kills microbes from his studies in horticulture: colloidal silver.

Good Resolution. Markus saves Sully & Isaiah. Is there anything that Sully could pass onto him to help Markus that he has learned fighting the parasites?

Keep up the good work!

Best,

Arthur

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Arthur!

Sorry I haven’t responded to this sooner. Been playing catchup in other areas.

Dude, I never considered giving the aliens any weaknesses, but you’ve provided some awesome ideas in bridging the knowledge Sully has with how else to fight the aliens!

I will say, hypersensitivity with regards to Asperger’s or Autism doesn’t work the way it does with Daredevil. It’s more of a hinderance and something for both Sully and Isaiah to work through. However, I do love the different ideas for how to extract the aliens from within Isaiah in the third act. It’s awesome to get feedback from another writer who’s a big fan of sci-fi!

I like the idea of Sully passing on information to Markus on how to fight the aliens, kinda like the ending to LOVE AND MONSTERS. I do worry that it’d be a distraction to the greater political implications and upheaval that’s set up in in the finale, but I’ll be sure to look into it.

Thanks for the amazing ideas and feedback!

Cam

[Michael Katz]

Michael Katz Outline Version 1

ASSIGNMENT 2 – Present your outline and exchange critiques.

1. List the following key components of your story:

MEGALOMANIAC

A. Concept: 3 versions (I could use feedback)

CONCEPT A

Think James Bond villain, entirely from the villain’s POV, and it’s his complete story, origin to tragedy, so in addition to his initial victimhood and vow to take over the world, we’re witnessing his growth to tycoon, evolution to villain, and metamorphosis into megalomaniac…plus the tragic earth-shattering consequences if the government spy fails to stop him.

CONCEPT B

A narcissistic scientist invents space solar energy technology that can end global warming, however, when a government spy sabotages his work, it triggers in him a megalomaniac pursuit of world domination that ends tragically in planetary annihilation.

CONCEPT C

Powerful entrenched interests want to stop scientist Victorino and his global warming ending solar space technology, causing narcissistic Victorino to develop into a megalomaniac bent on taking over the world, and if a government spy fails to stop him, it will have tragic earth-shattering consequences.

B. Plot Choice:

Ascension/Descension – the rise/fall of the protagonist.

Strong-willed, charismatic, and unique, Victorino rises in power as he descends into megalomania. And as he struggles between morality and self-interest, he progresses from weak altruistic scientist to smiteful almighty god.

C. Character Structure:

Dramatic Triangle between the Dr. Victorino Royce the villain, Imelyna Michaels the movie star/environmental activist girlfriend, and Derek Evans the government spy. Victorino owes his chance of success to the love and support of Imelyna, however unbeknownst to him, Evans, who is trying to stop Victorino, is attempting to turn Imelyna against him.

D. Lead Characters (*Name* is an *identity* who *does X in the story*.):

PROTAGONIST

Dr. Waldo Katz (changes his name to Victorino Royce in Act Two) is a narcissistic scientist who invents a space solar energy system that will end global warming, but he starts to suffer from megalomania after his work is sabotaged, and it triggers his pursuit of world domination.

IMPACT CHARACTER

Imelyna Michaels, an A-list movie star and environmental activist fighting against global warming, supports the development of Victorino’s technology and falls in love with him…until he turns to villainy.

ANTAGONIST

Greedy oil, gas, and coal entrenched interests that are causing global warming stifle energy innovation to preserve their businesses, and they use the governments of the world as their police arm. Antagonist by proxy, debonair government spy Derek Evans, with his smug one-liners and timely gadgets, is sent to stop Victorino, and he woos Imelyna to make her an asset.

E. Dramatic Question:

Can Victorino get vindication and prove how great he and his technology are when there are powerful greedy entrenched interests trying to stop him?

F. Main Conflict:

Powerful interests keep throwing obstacles at Victorino to keep him and his technology down, however, to solve that, Victorino tries to gain enough money and power to take over the world.

G. Dilemma:

Victorino has to choose between morality, failure, and having Imelyna…or self-interest, a chance at success, and losing Imelyna.

H. Theme:

Greed destroys everything in its wake

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any):

BIGGEST FEAR

Victorino is afraid others won’t recognize his greatness.

CHARACTER ARC

Victorino goes from weak altruistic scientist to smiteful almighty god.

MEGALOMANIAC 80 SCENE OUTLINE

1. OPENING

1 EXT. EASTERN EUROPEAN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL PLAYGROUND – DAY

10-year-old WALDO KATZ uses his thick lensed glasses as a magnifying lens to pull a splinter from a cat’s paw. After being bullied, he uses the magnifying lens to burn ants.

2 INT. PILOT PLANT CONFERENCE ROOM – MORNING

Businesspeople watch a computer simulation of 40-year-old DR. WALDO KATZ’s revolutionary technology that uses giant magnifying lenses in space to efficiently harness the sun and beam it to batteries on earth. They want to buy his company, but not his services…because of his history. Waldo is outraged.

3 INT. PILOT PLANT LABORATORY – LATER

Waldo meets guests in attendance for his live demonstration, including enamored movie star and environmental activist IMELYNA MICHAELS, who is covering the event for her social media. She gushes that his work will stop global warming. Waldo sees a guest, DEREK EVANS, too close to the battery and ushers him away.

2. INCITING INCIDENT

4 INT. PILOT PLANT LABORATORY – MOMENTS LATER

Waldo begins the demonstration and sends powerful light through the magnifying lens, which produces a fierce beam directed into a battery receptacle. However, the beam mistakenly ricochets, burning Victorino and several guests.

3. BY PAGE 10, WE KNOW WHAT THE MOVIE IS ABOUT

5 INT. PILOT PLANT LABORATORY – MOMENTS LATER

Imelyna, concerned about injured Waldo, joins him as he finds a small mirror inappropriately placed inside the battery receptacle. She wonders if it was sabotage by those threatened by his technology. “Greed is going to destroy our planet.” Waldo glimpses Evans sliding out the back door.

6 EXT. PILOT PLANT ALLEY – MOMENTS LATER

Waldo confronts Evans, who is unforthcoming. Waldo grabs his arm to prevent him from leaving, and Evans presses his cufflink, which electrifies his jacket and frees him from Waldo’s grip. Evans wins the fight in 3 seconds.

7 INT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT

A bandaged Waldo checks on an injured guest. The UNIVERSITY PRESIDENT interrupts to inform him that they are pulling the plug on his project after the catastrophe. Imelyna approaches just as the police take Waldo away for questioning.

8 INT. POLICE STATION INTERROGATION ROOM – NIGHT

A DETECTIVE returns to inform Waldo that the company he accuses of being saboteurs doesn’t exist. And there is no British Derek Evans in the country either. Further investigation is required, so his laboratory is off-limits as a crime scene.

9 EXT. POLICE STATION – LATER

Imelyna is worried about Waldo and offers him a ride home in her limousine.

10 INT. LIMO – MOMENTS LATER

Imelyna begs Waldo not to give up, and he vents his theory that it was economic espionage orchestrated by a foreign government. She doesn’t think he’s being paranoid and tells her DRIVER to go back to the hotel because it may not be safe for him at his home.

11 INT. HOTEL ROOM – THE NEXT DAY

While eating room service breakfast, Imelyna shows Waldo various social media labeling him as crazy and dangerous. He desperately wants vindication, but Imelyna wonders whether it will be possible facing such powerful interests. Waldo suggests the only way to put them out of business once and for all, and all at once, is to, jokingly, “Take over the world?”

12 INT. HOTEL BEDROOM – MOMENTS LATER

Waldo and Imelyna have sex.

13 INT. LIMO – DAY

Imelyna invites Waldo to relocate and start anew, and she offers to sponsor him. Waldo isn’t ready to leave his home or country. If he reconsiders, she’ll be leaving later that day.

4. FIRST TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT ONE

14 INT. PILOT PLANT LABORATORY – DAY

Waldo is stunned to find his laboratory empty, and all his work gone. UNIVERSITY SECURITY THUGS chase him off the premises. Waldo flees, and calls Imelyna, “What time’s your flight?”

15 EXT./INT. GREENLAND/PRIVATE PLANE – DAY

Imelyna shows Waldo the devastating physical effects of global warming on glaciers, antarctic ice sheet, oceans, and weather pattern, and their subsequent real world displacement of people and financial impact.

16 INT. MICHAELS ESTATE – LATER

Imelyna takes Waldo on a tour of her family’s estate, which was left to her after her parents died. He can convert her father’s workspace into a laboratory. She will finance the commercialization of a piece of his technology until they can finance a full enterprise.

17 INT. WORKSPACE – DAY

Waldo invents a solar panel with a top layer magnifying glass, which increases energy by 1000%. But for commercial manufacturing they’ll need pure silica sand. Imelyna makes a call to her travel agent.

18 EXT. MALDIVES BEACH – DAY

Waldo and Imelyna lounge under an umbrella on an empty thin strip of white sand beach. Waldo questions whether they should really plunder the beach, but Imelyna explains that it would be gone within the year anyway since the ocean is rising. They frolic in the water and then have sex on the beach.

19 INT. PRIVATE PLANE – DAY

Imelyna reads a paragraph from the business plan she is writing on her laptop discussing setting up operations in an abandoned industrial factory outside of Palm Springs, where they’ll revive the town and create jobs. Waldo is watching one of Imelyna’s movies, pauses in the middle of a love scene, and asks her what the premise is for the movie she’s about to shoot. She’s voicing a character for an animated movie. He unpauses the movie.

20 EXT. PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY – DAY

Driver chauffeurs Imelyna and Waldo in a Rolls-Royce Phantom Extended. Pulls into Imelyna’s impressive Malibu beach house.

21 INT. BEACH HOUSE – DAY

As Imelyna changes clothes, Waldo notices a framed news article about her as a girl. She had changed her last name when she moved to Hollywood to be an actress. Waldo would like to change his name too to help keep them incognito. Perhaps Victorino Royce.

22 EXT. BEACH HOUSE – DAY

Victorino works out with Imelyna’s celebrity fitness TRAINER, who was a stunt double for Chris Hemsworth. Victorino wants to learn how to fight, however Trainer, who is nice and spiritual, espouses physical violence as the last resort.

23 INT. FACTORY – DAY

HR MANAGER sits with Imelyna and Victorino as they interview locals applying for various jobs. They hand out yellow hard hats, safety goggles, and orange safety vests. Everyone gets to work unloading industrial equipment and supplies from trucks.

24 INT. FACTORY – DAY

Victorino directs the manufacturing of new magnifying solar panels. Imelyna complains that she is unable to sell their solar panels because nobody has heard of Victorino Royce, they have no track record, no bank affiliation, no social media presence, not even a kickstarter. Victorino suggests they use Imelyna’s star power. Imelyna makes a phone call.

25 INT. HOLLYWOOD STUDIO STAGE – DAY

In a TV commercial shoot, Victorino, Imelyna, and Trainer dress as Zeus, Hera, and Hercules, installing a solar magnifying panel, with the graphic showing the energy bill cut by 85%, and the cost of the panels are the same as regular.

26 INT. ACTOR TRAILER – DAY

Zeus and Hera sexual role play. She remarks that working with Trainer has paid dividends for him.

27 INT. FACTORY – DAY

Victorino and Imelyna are selling magnifying solar panels by the truckload. She shows him figures on her iPad of huge orders and exponential revenue.

28 INT. 2ND FACTORY – DAY

Production line is humming, as they secured another sand source. The sites for the 3rd and 4th factory have been chosen. The backorders are still growing. They are a Fortune 500 company.

29 INT. BEACH HOUSE – DAY

PUBLICIST toasts to “Vimelyna” with Victorino and Imelyna, as they page through various magazines, including People Magazine, Forbes, Time, and Fitness Magazine with Trainer.

30 INT. AWARD CEREMONY – EVENING

From the podium Imelyna introduces Victorino and awards him a prestigious technology innovation award. He thanks his partner Imelyna for her love and support. He announces a newly designed magnifier to retrofit everyone’s old solar panels. Which we’re giving away if you buy the newly invented solar battery receiver which increases energy efficiency and storage by 1200%.

31 INT. AWARD GALA – EVENING

Victorino and Imelyna dance and schmooze as a power couple. They are happy and kissing, but Imelyna jokingly musses up Victorino’s hair on the dance floor, which causes him obsessive concern over his hair.

She fixes his hair, but he excuses himself to the bathroom. As Victorino walks away, we see behind him that Evans approaches Imelyna with a flirtatious smug smile.

32 INT. BEACH HOUSE – LATER

Watching the news Victorino is happy with how well he was received. Victorino isn’t even bothered when he gets a call that their computer system was hacked and IP was stolen because the latest iterations weren’t kept on the server. However, he is jealous of how perfectly put together Imelyna is, and he wants a makeover to look like a certified tycoon. “What does a tycoon wear?” She’s been dying to make him over.

33 INT. BEACH HOUSE – DAY

Imelyna has several designers bring their latest collections for Victorino to try on, and they choose a few outfits. One DESIGNER has a vision of how Victorino should look and will do a custom job for him. Victorino asks Imelyna what she wants.

34 EXT. ROSE BOWL FLEA MARKET – MORNING

Flaunting his new digs, Victorino and Imelyna step out of the Rolls Royce for a shopping spree. Imelyna thanks him for forgoing Rodeo Drive, but “reuse” is one of the four R’s of recycling. Victorino and Imelyna buy vintage jewelry, gaudy art, absurd sculptures, and bizarre artifacts. Victorino is transfixed by a taxidermy cat that looks like his as a kid.

35 EXT. ROSE BOWL FLEA MARKET – LATER

Imelyna is ordering two bacon dogs from a vendor, while Victorino is pacing on the phone with his ATTORNEY who informs him of 23 patent infringement lawsuits designed to either settle for a quick payout or to deliberately slow their progress. Behind them, Evans surreptitiously helps another worker load their purchased items onto their moving truck.

36 INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

Victorino walks around with his taxidermy cat, looking for a place to put it. Imelyna reads an email out loud that reports that for the 3rd time another shipment of sand is peculiarly stalled in port, though it will only delay manufacturing in seven of the factories. Victorino is angry and frustrated, unable to find a proper place for his cat.

37 EXT. BEACH HOUSE – MORNING

Victorino and Trainer spar using several different martial arts disciplines. Victorino suffers from distraction and frustration, and Trainer gets Victorino to meditate using “envision the vision” mumbo jumbo. The process triggers something within him, removing his filter.

38 INT. LA RESTAURANT – EVENING

Victorino and Imelyna are eating, and the Attorney calls to report the government just passed a retroactive red tape regulatory law attempting to slow their sales. While Victorino pours himself a glass of wine, Imelyna suggests they finally hire some lobbyists. He excuses himself to make a call. Over his shoulder we see Evans sit in his seat and drink his glass of wine. Imelyna’s demeanor isn’t welcoming, but it also isn’t surprised.

39 INT. LA RESTAURANT – MOMENTS LATER

Victorino returns and sits at the table as Imelyna pours him wine into a new glass. A fly.

40 EXT. BEACH HOUSE – DAY

Victorino still needs more learning from Trainer as they spar in several disciplines. Imelyna joins and repeatedly takes down Victorino.

41 INT. MUSEUM – NIGHT

At their charitable fundraiser, Victorino privately expresses his frustration that they haven’t yet gotten vindication for his space magnifier, but Imelyna reminds him that while they have the money, they don’t yet have the power. Speaking to the audience, Imelyna announcing the evening’s sizable fundraising total. However, Victorino steals the spotlight and announces he is running for political office.

42 INT. BEACH HOUSE – THE NEXT DAY

Imelyna is the subject of a sensational cheating scandal involving the married director from her last movie, with nude photos hacked from his phone. Publicist conjectures that the scandal probably ends Victorino’s political aspirations. Imelyna’s AGENT says she will be replaced on her most recent voiceover movie, as well as her next upcoming project. Victorino wants to retaliate but nobody knows against who.

Imelyna admits it’s true, and she’d rather keep a low profile.

43 INT. ATTORNEY OFFICE – DAY

Attorney reports that the government has documents showing they patented the exact same magnifier technology ten years ago, so Victorino is going to eventually lose the patent infringement lawsuit and have to turn over all profits and potential fines. Victorino is enraged at the lie and rigged system. Victorino needs a referral for the services of a less than reputable private investigation firm.

44 EXT. ATTORNEY OFFICE – LATER

As Victorino leaves the building, he is harassed by paparazzi. One by one he forcibly takes their cameras and smashes them. The last guy preemptively smashes his own camera.

45 INT. BEACH HOUSE – DAY

While packing suitcases, Victorino and Imelyna are arguing about losing the lawsuit, having to forfeit all their money, and having accomplished nothing. Imelyna thinks they’ve helped the world by enabling a lot of people to install solar. She thinks they just need to get away for a bit. Victorino thinks they need to blow the whole thing up!

46 EXT. BEACH HOUSE – DAY

Driver is putting the bags into the car as Victorino walks out and sees a spy disappear down the side of the house. Using his martial arts training, Victorino kills him. Then he realizes the guy was an electric company meter reader. Victorino calmly joins Imelyna as she gets into the car.

47 INT. PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY – MOMENTS LATER

The car is eerily silent but for a newscast on the radio reporting that Victorino Royce is caught on tape assaulting paparazzi and smashing their cameras. He is wanted for questioning. In other news Congress has passed a law increasing subsidies to fossil fuel companies, as well as opening up new lands for drilling.

5. MID-POINT

48 INT. MICHAELS ESTATE – NIGHT

Victorino hides all the company’s holdings, converting everything into cryptocurrency, shell corporations, Swiss bank accounts, diamonds, gold, and cash.

49 EXT. MICHAELS ESTATE – THE NEXT DAY

Victorino and Imelyna are walking the grounds, discussing options. Victorino wants to build out the full-size magnifying solar energy system themselves…secretly. Imelyna realizes there is strength in numbers.

50 INT. MICHAELS ESTATE CONFERENCE ROOM – MORNING

Victorino and Imelyna host a summit of concerned A-list actors, dedicated environmentalists, controversial international environmental groups like Greenpeace, and Publicist, Trainer, and HR Manager. The taxidermy cat is the table’s centerpiece. They explain their vision for the organization with a goal of solving all other issues in the world once they solve energy and greed. Several members share victimization stories of sabotage, interference, corruption, and frustration. They all vow to pool resources, connections, and fight.

51 INT. MICHAELS ESTATE – LATER

Everyone enjoys lunch, and there is a good vibe. Imelyna whispers to Victorino that one their factories has burned to the ground. Victorino immediately and with self-righteous indignation reports the news to the group, changing the atmosphere.

52 INT. MICHAELS ESTATE CONFERENCE ROOM – AFTERNOON

We get to watch some fascinating brainstorming sessions where they banter around ideas for the group name, where to build secret lairs, how to finance operations, the ethics of ecoterrorism, brainstorming exercises to get past blockages, sarcastic wit, great ideas, egos, grandstanding, discord, and agreement. On the whiteboard is written “Masterplan – all ideas are bad ideas until Victorino approves them (jk)”. Matt Damon stands with chalk in his hand. “Lairs – 3?”, “Rockets – call Elon”, “Minions – life servitude/squid game”, “Project name (nothing greek!) – Sunshine & Rainbows:)”. Victorino has money to build, but they need to finance the operation. They need to recruit lackeys, bodyguards, thugs, and minions for each lair. “

What if we hire all current or former coal minor for double their going salaries?” Victorino adds, “And it is imperative we bring in a gadget guy, like Q from the James Bond movies.” Matt Damon may even be forcibly removed for trying to usurp control from Victorino.

53 INT. BEDROOM – EVENING

Victorino gets off the phone and sees Imelyna suspiciously texting someone on her phone. He tells her to pack. “Actually, never mind. We’ll get new wardrobes in each place.” Imelyna expresses concern with the direction they are heading and the type of people he wants to work with and hire. Imelyna reveals she knows that he had something to do with the child pornography charges against those who hacked and published her nude photos. While she appreciates Victorino’s intentions, she’s worried that the ends don’t justify the means.

54 EXT. MICHAELS ESTATE – THE NEXT DAY

Trainer leads Victorino, Imelyna, Publicist, and HR Manager through meditative exercises. Victorino goads Imelyna into sparring, and he roughly bests her.

55 EXT. THREE EXOTIC LOCATIONS AROUND THE WORLD – DAY

MONTAGE:

Different realtors in 3 different countries takes them on tours of remote, ridiculous locations to build secret lairs.

They meet with various experts showing cutting edge computer networks and building security. Victorino wants secret passageways, surveillance, two-way mirrors, and hidden weapons. Realtor, who has been shocked and silent by the conversation, timidly suggests during a pause, “And trap doors?”

They have various exotic animal handlers show them pet options i.e. sloth, snake, spider, fireflies, ants. Victorino says the ants are interesting, but he definitely wants a pussycat placed into his arms immediately when he arrives at each lair.

Victorino purposefully schedules a meeting with SPY TRAP GUY when he knows Imelyna will be away.

He meets with GADGET GUY who demonstrates vicious, over-the- top weapons for Victorino, who wants each lair to have culturally appropriate weaponry and gadgets, with obligatory briefcases with the styrofoam cut outs.

Victorino buys local politicians, police, and judges.

56 INT. MICHAELS ESTATE BEDROOM – EVENING

Imelyna breaks an awkward silence and mentions that Designer sent three custom outfits for Victorino, which they’ll get tomorrow, and she got him a new pair of glasses, which he tries on. Victorino asks if she would like to get married and have kids because he thinks they should since they make such a great team and he loves her. She would love to, but she’s surprised at the timing with so many projects going on, and he’s been so focused. Victorino wants it all. “Who are we saving the planet for anyway if not for our own kids.”

57 INT. MICHAELS ESTATE – THE NEXT DAY

Victorino tries on Designer’s three custom outfits, two of which are perfect. Victorino doesn’t quite feel comfortable in the third, and Imelyna hates it because it makes him look like a crazy person. “Maybe it’ll grow on you. Maybe I just need to grow into it.”

58 EXT. LAIR 1 – DAY

They stare at a collapsed coal mine, not knowing how to get in. Victorino says to Imelyna, “Reuse, right?” Victorino holds up his phone and plays a canary whistle. A camouflaged door opens. Imelyna jokes, “A little on the nose.”

59 INT. LAIR 1 – DAY

Victorino is handed a cat, and they walk downwards along a long hallway into a huge hall in full operation with consoles, computers, scientists, and construction workers. Victorino receives several reports, and then they watch a similar demonstration to the original, except this time the solar energy is properly absorbed into the battery.

60 INT. LAIR 1 – NIGHT

They are eating dinner, and Imelyna confirmed that all the factories received the new specs. We still need to decide where we want our building to be. A city in the U.S.

is ideal, but it would be difficult for us to oversee its construction. Victorino reveals he’s already taken care of the building and not to worry.

61 EXT. SPACEX LOMPOC CALIFORNIA ROCKET LAUNCHING PAD – DAY

Victorino and Elon Musk are watching thousand of solar panel satellites being unloaded from a series of trucks and loaded onto a rocket. Elon: “I had five inventions, but the government only allowed me to pick two. Ever see The Jetsons? Flying cars? So much fun to flive, but they said I was reckless and actually confiscated my prototype!” Victorino: “I have a driver. Hey, how much is a rocket?”

62 EXT. LAIR 2 – DAY

They stare at an oil tank farm, not knowing how to get in. “Do we climb the ladder to an opening on top? Canary whistle? What?”. Victorino says, “Trap door.” The ground beneath them gives way and they slide inside.

63 INT. LAIR 2 – DAY

Victorino is handed a cat, and they walk a long hall into a huge room in full operation with consoles, computers, scientists, and construction workers. They watch a feed of an ecoterrorism underwater strike force ram a hole into an oil tanker, causing a catastrophic leak.

An operator at a console interrupts Victorino and asks if he can ask a question. Victorino nods. “How is spilling oil into the ocean and causing an environmental disaster aligned with our goal of saving the environment?” Victorino kills him, and says he appreciates the question and explains to the rest of the silent room that the ends justify the means. Industrial espionage is the name of the game. Corporation against corporation. Country against country. Legacy versus new technology. That wasn’t for free. It pays our bills, finances our larger mission. And we are not saving the environment. We are saving the human race. Anyone else have a question or are confused about what we are doing here?”

64 INT. LAIR 2 – NIGHT

Victorino decides not to wait any longer for Imelyna and starts down the hallway on his way to meet the others for dinner, when he discovers that Trainer has been brutally murdered after an epic struggle with various weapons, tons of blood, and four rooms of destruction. Victorino calls for emergency lockdown. Imelyna appears and is horrified.

65 INT. LAIR 2 – NIGHT

Victorino is shown a video of Evans walking the halls of the lair. Victorino is baffled by how Evans found them or even got inside. Victorino has people sweep everyone and their belongings for trackers.

In a paranoid misunderstanding, he kills HR Manager, thinking he is Evans’ mole.

Victorino tells a minion to find Imelyna and tell her that Evans has been captured and put into the giant glass ant farm torture chamber.

66 INT. LAIR 2 – DAY

Imelyna doesn’t see anyone near the ant farm, and calls out with concern for Evans. Victorino confronts Imelyna, and she admits her betrayal. She agrees with Evans that Victorino is dangerous.

6. SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT TWO

67 INT. LAIR 2 – MOMENTS LATER

Imelyna is inside the ant farm frantically brushing biting red ants off. Minions fill the room waiting for Evans to try to rescue her. Bombs go off in various locations throughout the lair, and the compound is on fire. Evans kills all the minions, breaks the ant farm, rescues Imelyna, evades the continuing flow of oncoming minions, and they escape in Elon Musk’s confiscated flying car.

Victorino, in an almost catatonic state, walks through the devastation, and sees of the many dead killed by Evans’ bombs is the Publicist. Evans attached a pithy note to her. Victorino then discovers Evans killed Gadget Guy in an ironically, culturally appropriate, and particularly cruel way.

68 INT. MICHAELS ESTATE BEDROOM – EVENING

Victorino dons Designer’s third custom outfit, which now wears nicely, signifying a complete transformation into a megalomaniac.

69 INT. MICHAELS ESTATE CONFERENCE ROOM – MOMENTS LATER

Victorino takes his taxidermy cat.

70 EXT. HELICOPTER OVER A GLACIER – THE NEXT DAY

Victorino flies over the beautiful ice sheet and glaciers. He lands next to a small plane.

71 EXT. LAIR 3 – DAY

Imelyna and Evans are waiting for Victorino by the open entrance. Imelyna starts to say Evans has a proposal, but Victorino starts furiously fighting Evans, and it is evenly matched.

7. CRISIS

72 INT. LAIR 3 – CONTINUOUS

The brawl moves inside as they employ gadgets, which provide temporary advantage. Among the various rooms they fight in is an ice bar/restaurant, and Evans calls for a time out so they can have a drink. Victorino makes him a martini, and they have a “no, your evil” heart-to-heart. Evans says they will indeed install the Royce magnifier solar energy system, but that Victorino must walk away. Imelyna notes that it will mean vindication for him and his technology, and the world will benefit tremendously. Victorino toasts Imelyna, and they drink to her. Victorino informs Imelyna that Evans not only killed Trainer, but Publicist and Gadget Guy. But I’m the psycho killer. He then corrects Evans, “It’s the Katz magnifier solar energy system!” Victorino surprises Evans with a gadget, gains the upper hand, and is about to kill Evans, when Imelyna intervenes. Victorino now fights them both, and for a long time. Victorino gets injured but manages to evade Evans using one of the secret doorways. “Where’s Waldo?” Imelyna says she knows where he is going, and they’ll be too late. Evans says they already have it covered.

73 INT. ROCKET – DAY

As Victorino prepares for launch, he addresses the people of earth, and his voiceover continues as he blasts off in the rocket hidden in the glacier, enters space, approaches his space station, and docks. He tells his story, who are the real bad guys, and what lessons he’s learned about being selfish and morality. He offers the world the free use of his technology and free energy in perpetuity. “Stay tuned for the live demonstration. I will change history.”

74 INT. SPACE STATION – DAY

Victorino goes to the bridge, sits in the cockpit, deploys thousands of space magnifying solar panels, turns them on, connects them to the computer.

75 EXT. SPACE STATION – DAY

A series of giant magnifying glass layers deploy and swing out of the space station.

8. CLIMAX

76 INT. SPACE STATION – DAY

Victorino gives POTUS an ultimatum: let him install his energy system or he will take over the world and do it anyway. POTUS tells Victorino that he is delusional, his technology doesn’t even work, and he has no leverage. Victorino says, “Let there be light.”

77 EXT. NYC SKYSCRAPER – DAY

The roof retracts and a huge Tesla coil rises to the top. However, unknown to Victorino, a large mirror has been attached to the side of the Tesla coil.

78 EXT. SPACE – CONTINUOUS

Thousands of solar panels concentrate sun energy through the series of magnifying glasses and laser beam a huge column of energy to the Tesla coil on the skyscraper, and as the beam hits, energy ricochets off it and burns through a long swath of NYC.

79 INT. SPACE STATION – DAY

Victorino is incredulous. POTUS tells Victorino that he is a failure, and the whole world will remember him as a crazy terrorist. Victorino is stunned and eventually hears beeping alerts…the world’s governments have fired nuclear missiles at him. Victorino uses a wide beam from his giant magnifying lenses to neutralize the telemetry of the missiles, however one missile explodes, damaging his ability to return to earth.

9. RESOLUTION

80 INT. SPACESHIP – DAY

“This is why we can’t have nice things.” In a rage, Victorino turns the magnifier into a weapon of mass destruction and, despite acquiescing pleas from POTUS, annihilates earth, splitting it in two.

“I’m not the last man on earth. I’m god.” Victorino alternates between maniacal laughter and crying, then prolonged silence as the credits roll.

The man on the moon laughs at him, so he blasts the moon to smithereens.

The End.

I am open to all kinds of feedback, including brainstorming for the following:

1. FLAG every scene that has a problem (doesn’t make sense, has a plot hole, payoff without a setup)

There’s the issue of reconciling megalomaniac as a delusion versus megalomaniac as actually having the power to take over the world.

Where is Waldo Royce from? What location is the 1st scene. Eastern European? Russian, German, Scandinavian? Comes from a poor or wealthy background.

Is the cat his or neighborhood cat?

Why does Waldo get bullied in the 1st scene? What is it about him? Too self-involved? Weird/crazy/cocky?

Do I really want to hammer home global warming stuff? or be more subtle?

Do I really want to introduce Imelyna’s family estate and her parents?

Am thinking of making Imelyna’s brother, a loser druggy, a character who find purpose in the 2nd half of the movie as Victorino’s henchman. He wouldn’t be a tough guy, but more crafty and ethicless, and thus just as scary.

Need a roll your eyes cause for their fundraiser.

I worry about focusing too much and being too preachy on the global warming stuff, but I’m trying to show that evil people are created by an evil system full of evil people, and I need the audience to agree with the megalomaniac’s goal, but even global warming is made controversial in the real world by evil greedy people.

Does writing in Matt Damon bring reality into the movie or make the movie ridiculous?

Need to figure out the logistical timeline for building the company, and especially for building the lairs and space magnifier.

Biggest hole is creating a leverage for Victorino to use big enough to force the taking over the world. I have to leave the space magnifier turned into a weapon of mass destruction as a surprise ending, so I need something completely different. Terrorism against the fossil fuel infrastructure is the only thing I have so far. And I prefer to keep it connected to energy, and not veer into another area like hacking cryptocurrency, but that might have to be it

[Cameron Martin]

Here’re my notes, Michael!

CONCEPT:

At this stage, it’ll help to nail down one concept, and elevate it from there…unless you want to write three separate screenplays. However, all three concepts sound like they’re basically the same story, with each touching on a different angle. Personally, if I watch the movie trailer in my head, I’m dying to see Concept A, whether you’re telling the story from a comedic angle or a dramatic one. The irony of rooting for the “James Bond” villain is something I can’t believe hasn’t been done yet.

PLOT CHOICE:

I like it. I can see an opening similar to the Sam Raimi SPIDER-MAN movie, where Peter Parker is a down on his luck nerd turned superhero, with a tragic decision in the end. Except this time, Peter Parker adopts the Green Goblin’s morality of might makes right. What’s more is starting the film this way helps us to empathize with the protagonist more. We’ve all been in his shoes, believing we deserve better or are overqualified for the position we hold.

CHARACTER STRUCTURE:

Great triangle, reminiscent of a lot of Bond films. Perfect for satire.

LEAD CHARACTERS:

PROTAGONIST

I would be careful of the name change. While it makes sense, it could get confusing for audience members or readers. Just something to keep an eye on, unless you want to make it a running gag where people keep calling him by his original name, and Dr. Royce has to keep correcting his minions.

IMPACT CHARACTER

I don’t know, I’m just…not interested. She feels too much like a run-of-the-mill actress. I’m sure we’ll get into this in the creating characters for movie stars module, but there’s nothing ironic about her character that makes me interested in her. With the description you have currently, you could just call her Gwyneth Paltrow and call it a day.

ANTAGONIST

I do worry about it becoming too preachy, but the conversation between genuine innovation versus interests in money and power is a good one, especially right now with the choices coming down to oil and gas (efficient but evidence suggests having ties to climate change) and wind and solar power (extremely expensive and inefficient compared to alternatives already available). In reality, both choices appear to be predominantly linked by greed from third parties, and that’s where Dr. Katz can come in. He has the answer to efficient, cost-effective, and sustainable green energy, but it would disrupt the duopoly of carbon emissions and current “green” energy trends. This would be similar to a generic version of insulin becoming widely accessible to the American public, but its very existence would cut into the pockets of “Big Pharma.” (Again, genuine innovation versus profit and power). In addition, I could easily see your international interests buying off protest groups and leading scientists to discredit Victorino’s work as something that would cause global warming, since it involves beaming the sun’s energy down to earth (this is a tactic that is often used in manipulating public opinion).

That all said, I do think I’m more interested in the relationship between Derek Evan’s and Dr. Victorino. The relationship between Megamind and Metro-Man from the DreamWorks film, MEGAMIND, fueled that whole arc in a way that the rivalry between Derek and Victorino could for MEGALOMANIAC. The international “interests” are really just subplots that give a background and support for your story and story’s theme.

DRAMATIC QUESTION:

It has potential, but it doesn’t feel personal enough. On one hand, I’m sure many people have felt the sensation of their superiors actively subverting their best efforts. On the other hand, it’s usually just that, a sensation, and nothing more. Believing we’re outright better than our supervisors and managers, and that we’d be in their shoes if only they would get out of our way, is a megalomaniacal thought, and would be fitting to your protagonist. I’m just not sure if it carries the enough empathetic weight for general audiences. Looking back at MEGAMIND, the dramatic question introduced in that film quickly shifts from “Will Megamind ever defeat Metro-Man” to “Will absolute power truly make Megamind happy” to “Will Megamind get caught in the lie he’s fabricated to get close to Roxanne?” Two of those are answered in the first act, but the third one carries the film and is one that can instantly be sympathized with. Megamind has discovered the one thing that can make him truly happy, but it comes at the cost of lying to the person he loves. Taking a look at NIGHTCRAWLER, Lou’s dramatic question is whether he can succeed at the new job he has, in spite of seemingly failing at every previous one. We make the assumption that Lou has recently been down on his luck by him admitting that he’s “lost” and by his desperation to work for literally anybody willing to give him a job. This is further exemplified by a potential employer telling him “no” without so much as making eye contact with him. However, the movie doesn’t keep Lou unemployed. Lou finds work, and the expectations that come with it push him to take action against his competitors. While I don’t think it has the same weight as MEGAMIND does, the dramatic question and supporting conflict present in NIGHTCRAWLER appear very similar to MEGALOMANIAC, and bearing the weight of expectations and new found success is a genuine feeling everyone can relate to and understand, any and all delusions aside.

MAIN CONFLICT

Should be Derek. “Powerful interests” is too vague.

DILEMMA

This dilemma isn’t referenced enough in the story. The first part of your second act reads like a vacation with no strings attached. Again, MEGAMIND’s dilemma has an actual choice about honesty. NIGHTCRAWLER has a choice about risk versus reward. Both dilemmas are played out in the action and choices the protagonists make. The second act sees Victorino make worse decisions, but it doesn’t seem to cost him anything. There’s no sacrifice being made with each choice he makes. NIGHTCRAWLER may feature a sociopath, but every choice Lou makes is purely logical. Victorino comes across as fitting the conventions of a super villain for the sake of fitting the conventions of a super villain.

THEME

The theme of greed destroying the world doesn’t fit with the ending. I mean, it kinda does when you squint at it. But, the theme really seems to shift around between showing “be careful whom you encourage,” “Be careful what you wish for,” or “The cost of fulfilling your vision.” All three of these eventually lead to Victorino’s destruction of Earth. Victorino isn’t greedy, though, and his greed doesn’t drive him to ending the human race; it’s his pride that does. If you want an example of work that has pulled off this same theme and arc, look no further than the TV show BREAKING BAD. The stakes aren’t world shattering, but the narrative arc is pretty similar.

CHARACTER ARC

This is a great arc. It’s worked before with both SPIDER-MAN and BREAKING BAD. Plus, it’s an awesome journey for the audience to take with someone who wants power so bad, regardless of how pure the intentions are, and struggle with the burden that comes with it. Whether it ends in us rising to accept responsibility (SPIDER-MAN) or fall to our own ego (BREAKING BAD) the journey is what’s kept us telling this narrative for thousands of years (OEDIPUS REX being among the first).

OUTLINE:

Some thoughts. First, some of your scenes aren’t scenes. Referencing Robert McKee’s “Story,” a scene is an event that shifts the emotional polarity of the moment from the positive to the negative, vice versa, or from positive to more positive and negative to more negative. “Waldo and Imelyna have sex” is not a scene, but it can be a point of emphasis at the conclusion of the prior scene. For example, we go from “home is not safe” to “Imelyna is safe,” with sex being the exclamation point to the latter sentiment.

Second, where’s Derek Evens? He shows up at the end, but for the most part, the antagonist is some general amalgamation of bureaucratic meddling. While I appreciate the story bringing to light how governments and corporations work together for their own profitable ends, it doesn’t feel like DALLAS BUYERS CLUB, which offers a similar message. For much of the story, Victorino gets a full makeover, training, kinky sex; it’s like the male fantasy of James Bond films, except James is usually headstrong and an active driver of the story, something all men want to experience in their lives. By the time we get to Victorino taking an active role, he’s for sure the bad guy, and nothing really challenges him to take the extreme measures without requiring us to relate to his delusions. Derek should be a much more active foil to Victorino. Also, a common trope with Bond villains is they’re no match for Bond’s strength and physical prowess, so they don’t even try to fight hand to hand. They try to outsmart Bond in some way, thus challenging Bond to think outside the box and take risks. Victorino’s training in martial arts just feels unnecessary. He could use a gun, a metal bat, or some strangle someone with twine. Any of these three would get the point across that he’s capable of murder, and none of them require a great deal of conditioning or skill.

Also, be careful of the trap of giving your supporting characters too much to do. It can easily render your protagonist passive. There’s a little too much heavy lifting Imelyna does, and it takes away from the choices and character arc we need to go on with Victorino.

Lastly, some quick thoughts. Get your story down to 40-60 scenes max, all with one to two sentences describing each. It’ll go a long way to getting to the core of the moment to moment action. Yes, Matt Damon and Elon Musk are little much, but that’s just me. I tend to get pulled out of a story when it tries too hard to pull in the real world. Child Pornography is unnecessary, when you already have a scandal involving Imelyna. Too many scandals makes her look too promiscuous, and risks making her alignment with Derek more about her being a slut than having a change of heart. Finally, it appears a little too easy to sabotage Victorino’s machine. Don’t know if that’s intentional or not, but when it happened in the ending, this story went full slapstick comedy for me, making the tragedy intended for the ending feel really weird.

I apologize if my notes are long or read more negatively than intended. I love the hell out of your concept and ideas, and am rooting for you and your script to succeed in the grandest fashion.

Thanks again!

Cam

[Matthew Frendo]

Hey Michael, want to exchange feedback? Mine’s down the page from yours.

[Michael Katz]

Hi Matthew,

Sure, I will try to have feedback for you in the morning.

I’d love for you to give feedback after I post my Version 2 — I want to first incorporate Cameron’s notes from earlier today.

Thank you,

Michael

[Matthew Frendo]

No problem! I’ll wait for your second version before critiquing.

[Michael Katz]

Hi Matthew,

I just posted my Version 2.

Thank you!

[Dev Ross]

Dev Ross – Lesson 15 – Get to the Essence

OPEN WIDE TO CRITICS!

Concept: Outshined by the latest hate groups, a fading KKK Grand Dragon plots the murder of a black leader, but when he wakes the next morning, he is that black leader who is suddenly struck with a plan to murder the Grand Dragon.

Concept: Outshined by the latest hate groups, a fading KKK Grand Dragon plots the murder of a black leader, but when he wakes the next morning, he is that black leader who is suddenly struck with a plan to murder the Grand Dragon.

Plot Choice: Rivalry

Character Structure: Protagonist vs Antagonist

Lead Characters: CLAY CAINE is a fading KKK Grand Dragon struggling to regain his former power who, in his fight to regain power, loses his family. LINCOLN ABLE is a Black Leader who works for the good of his community who loses his family when he buys into revenge.

Dramatic Question: Will the Grand Dragon assassinate a Black Leader?

Main Conflict: Will his obsession cause him to lose his wife and family?

Dilemma: He can’t stop because the man he’s trying to kill is now trying to kill him.

Theme: Your hate will ultimately destroy you.

9 BEATS:

OPENING: During increasing climate change issues — KKK Grand Dragon CLAY CAINE is booed off stage at Supremacy conference for being a SINO – Supremacist in name only…

INCITING INCIDENT: Learns his daughter is pregnant with black baby, kicks her out of the house.

Page 10: White Supremacists burn cross on his lawn because his daughter is a ‘nigger lover.’

First Turning point, End Act 1: Caine interrupts increasing extremely odd weather as a sign from God to him to murder rising Black Leader, Lincoln Able.

ACT TWO:

He wakes up (in alt universe) as that Black Leader with the desire to kill the Grand Dragon.

Mid. Pt: Caine accuses his wife of having an affair with a black man, kills her.

Second Turning point at end of Act II: In order to purse Caine, Lincoln forces his wife out of the car, which leads to her death.

Crisis: Caine can’t accept truth about sister.

Climax: As two worlds collide (caused by climate/String Theory) and as they are dying, the two men learn they are just the alt version of the other in an alternate universe.

Resolution: A whole new world has formed where race hatred is obsolete.

1. EXT. FAIR GROUNDS – SUMMER DAY

Amid increasing climate events, Grand Dragon CLAY CAINE of the KKK speaks at White Supremacist event and gets booed off stage as a SINO, a Supremacist in Name Only. He replaced by youthful ADAM SPENCER, the hot new ticket in the hate game.

2. INT. CAINE HOME – DINING ROOM – EVENING

Clay’s wife, HANNAH, a nurse, suggests it’s time to leave Klan to focus on family. Daughter, EMMY, is off to meet a boyfriend she remains secretive about.

3. INT. CAINE HOME – TV ROOM – NIGHT

To Clay, news on climate change is fear-mongering. Changes channel to local coverage on WS rally: “Jews will not convert us! Blacks will not pervert us!” Shakes his head, this is not the way to bring the change they want.

4. INT. CAINE’S BATHROOM – NIGHT

He brushes his teeth. Stops to gaze at his reflection; FLASHBACKS to…

5. EXT. KLAN RALLY – NIGHT – FLASHBACK

Clay’s grandfather, Grand Dragon AUGUST ABLE gives a wickedly ‘patriotic’ speech to wild cheers and shouted praises. A cross burns as seven-year-old Clay, dressed his Klan robe, watches.

6. INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

Clay prays for a sign from God to tell him how to regain his former status and influence.

7. INT. FOYER – MORNING

Hannah returns from work as he’s leaves for work. She pulls him close, kisses him. He puts her off, leaving her frustrated.

8. EXT. JOB SITE – DAY

Clay works as house painter. The homeowner, an elderly woman, asks if he’d be willing to mentor/apprentice her twelve-year-old grandson. Clay quotes Proverbs 22:6. “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it.”

9. EXT. CLAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Odd, disturbing weather outside…

10. INT. CLAY’S BASEMENT – NIGHT

KKK meeting to plot how to boost their falling membership. Clay reminds: Klan members used to be respectable doctors, lawyers and politicians who were gentleman first, Christian men with integrity, not wild-eyed terrorists.

11. EXT. HOUSE PAINTING JOB – DAY

Grandmother presents her HALF-BLACK, grandson, ELIJAH, to Clay – who refuses to mentor him as God prohibits race mixing. Grandma says she knows of no better family man and Christian to mentor the boy.

12. INT. CLAY’S HOME – NIGHT

INCITING INCIDENT: They learn Emmy’s pregnant with black baby. Clay throws her out.

13. EXT. PAINT JOB SITE – DAY

Clay tells Elijah he’ll have to work harder than most to be decent. Elijah wants to work hard, doesn’t want to be like his father. Clay relates.

14. INT. CLAY’S CHILDHOOD HOME – DAY – FLASHBACK

Clay’s father beats his mom behind closed doors while young Clay and his baby sister play inside their mother’s open suitcase with all her clothes strewn about.

15. EXT. PAINT JOB SITE – DAY

Clay watches Elijah work diligently.

16. INT. CLAY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Clay spurns Hannah’s attempt at sex. He’s tired. She’s tired of him refusing him. It escalates – a lot -until — shouts of “Nigger lover” come from outside.

17. EXT. CLAY’S HOME – NIGHT

Trucks screech away, leaving a cross burning on lawn. A stuffed effigy hangs with a sign that says his daughter is a nigger lover.

18. EXT. CLAY’S HOME – MORNING

Ashes from burning cross blow across the neighborhood. Emmy knocks on the door, wants to know if her parents are okay.

19. INT. CLAY’S HOME – CONTINUOUS

Clay forbids Hannah to let her in.

20. EXT. CLAY’S HOME – CONTINOUS

Mother and daughter touch palms through front window.

21. INT. CLAY’S HOME – MOMENTS LATER

Before leaving for work, Hannah comments positively on Black Leader LINCOLN ABLE who is on news. Clay takes her comments as a dig.

22. EXT. HOUSE PAINTING JOB – DAY

A violent wind blows over the ladder which knocks over the paint before Elijah can right it. The boy covers his head to block the blows he knows are coming. Clay freezes, remembers…

23. INT. CLAY’S CHILDHOOD HOME – FLASHBACK – DAY

His daddy hits him over and over again…

24. EXT. HOUSE PAINTING JOB – DAY

Clay grabs the boy into a hug.

25. EXT. STREETS – LATE DAY

While driving home, Clay berates himself about the boy. Must keep to his principles.

26. EXT. BAR – DAY

He stops at light next to BAR. FLASHBACK TO-

27. EXT. ANOTHER BAR – FLASHBACK – DAY

Clay’s father tells him to wait outside bar while he goes in. Clay watches as a WOMEN ENTERS. Laughter from inside as Clay waits and waits…

28. EXT. BAR – OUT OF FLASHBACK – DAY

Light changes. Clay drives on. Stops, backs up.

29. INT. BAR – DAY

Clay drinks, watches Lincoln Able on TV as bartender complains about blacks replacing them. LIGHTS in bar flicker due to climate stuff.

30. INT. BASEMENT – LATER – DAY

Electricity in the air makes Clay’s TV turn on by itself. It plays all black shows in a loop with the last showing a black and white couple making love. Clay is disgusted.

31. EXT. CLAY HOME – CONTINUOS

With tripping lights and electric static encompassing the neighborhood, a terrified Elijah bangs on Clay’s door. Clay says he’ll shoot him if he shows his black face at his house again.

32. INT. CLAY’S BASEMENT – LATER

A shotgun rests on Clay’s lap as his TV shows more images of blacks. The last image is of Lincoln Able. Clay takes this as a sign. God is telling him what to do. He points shotgun at TV. Click.

ACT TWO:

1. EXT. SKY – MORNING

A split sky ripples with ribboning colors that interweave…

2. INT. ANOTHER BASEMENT – MORNING

We see the back of a man we assume is Clay sleeping on the couch. But when the man rises, we see he’s actually black leader Lincoln Able. He’s had a bad dream that lingers…

3. INT. ABLE HOME – KITCHEN – MORNING

His wife, NUBIA, apologizes for sending him to the basement but he was keeping her up and she’s working a double today. When Lincoln says he had a crazy dream about killing the Grand Dragon, she laughs. He’s a peace maker not a killer.

4. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY

Lincoln gives his volunteers a pep talk before they go door to door to get out the vote. A truck flying a Confederate flag motors past.

5. INT./EXT. BLACK HOME – DAY

Lincoln speaks to a couple about voting. The man’s son, a vet, grumbles about the uselessness of voting. Lincoln says they can’t let helplessness and hate win. You’re good as dead if you do.

6. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY

Lincoln canvasses the neighborhood. A car follows him. Lincoln turns to look. A shimmer of light and… no car. Then — it almost swipes him but is gone again. Then, an urgent text from his wife…

7. INT. HOSPITAL- FRONT DESK/EMPTY ROOM – DAY

Lincoln, frantic, looks for his wife at the nurses’ station that shimmers and shifts. It appears Hannah grabs him but it’s really Nubia who pulls him into a private room. She’s pregnant! Lincoln’s joy is overshadowed by the odd things that he’s been seeing…

8. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY

Hannah takes daughter Emmy’s blood pressure, which is high. Fears she could lose the baby.

9. INT. HOSPITAL – IMAGING – DAY

Nubia rolls Lincoln into MRI machine. He protests but she’s all about being more safe than sorry.

10. INT. HOSPITAL PARKING LOT – NIGHT

Hannah’s car won’t start. She tries to call her husband. It rings and rings.

11. INT. CLAY’S CAR – NIGHT

Cell phone on seat says ‘missed call’ just as Clay opens the door from the outside and tosses in a box of ammo. Drives off.

12. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT

Nubia has Lincoln’s scan results. Nothing there so maybe he’s been pushing himself too hard. Now with their baby finally coming, perhaps he can go back to teaching…

13. EXT. CLAY’S DRIVEWAY – NIGHT

Clay sits in his car and loads his shotgun when a car drives up. The driver, a black man, has given Hannah a ride. Angrily reminding her of what happened to his sister, he yanks his wife into the house.

14. INT. CLAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT – CONTINOUS

Hannah explains the man is a co-worker who just gave her a ride home because her own husband was likely too busy at a Klan meeting to help her. Clay angrily counters she could have been raped – like his sister was. Calling her a whore, he hits her again and again until she’s still…

Meanwhile…

15. EXT. FRONT DOOR – NIGHT – CONTINOUS

Emmy bangs on door outside. Calls for her mom. Blood drips down her legs. The sky ripples with ribbons of color.

16. EXT. HOSPITAL/CITY STREETS – NIGHT

Lincoln leaves the hospital, drives off… Bathed in ribbons of light, the neighborhood shifts – looks almost the same only different.

17. EXT. CLAY’S STREET – NIGHT

Lincoln is disoriented. Then– he recognizes the car that tried to run him down — parked in front of Clay’s home. Clay shoots at him. Lincoln dives into his car, speeds away as the neighborhood RIPPLES and shifts again.

18. EXT./INT. LINCOLN’S HOME – NIGHT

Lincoln’s car screeches up. Parks. He enters house. Heads upstairs. Downstairs TV sparks on. White Supremacists on the news…

19. EXT. LINCOLN’S HOME – MORNING

Lincoln checks his car. Bullet holes riddle the side of it.

20. EXT. GET OUT THE VOTE RALLY – DAY

Lincoln speaks but struggles. His speech turns hateful. The crowd reacts, jeering or cheering him on.

21. EXT. RALLY CROWD – CONTINUOUS

Elijah is there with his grandma. He looks around the crowd when he spots Clay pull out his shotgun… Elijah yells out a warning!

Clay shoot misses and the crowd scatters. Lincoln pulls away from his handlers and chases after Clay. He thinks he has him cornered but… he’s disappeared into thin air.

22. INT. LINCOLN HOME – DAY

Lincoln finds his wife home. He spots Clay hurrying toward the house with his shotgun so yanks Nubia to the floor. Nothing happens. She thinks he’s losing it.

23. EXT. LINCOLN HOME – DRIVEWAY – DAY

Lincoln shows Nubia the bullet holes in his car. Nubia demands he stop his work. They argue and he – totally out of character – pushes her to the ground. He pulls her to her feet, holds her, begs her forgiveness while blood trickles down her leg.

24. EXT. SKY – DAY

Luminous ribbons of color cut across the sky. Rumbling…

25. INT. CLAY HOME – DAY

Shotgun toting Clay hurries inside. Someone’s in the shadows waiting for him; he almost shoots when he hears his daughter’s whimpers. She lost her baby so can she come home now? Clay sends her away.

26. INT. CLAY BASEMENT – NIGHT

During phone call – Clay’s sister tells him she was a drunk when her so-called rape by black men occurred. Truth? She took them on as a FUCK YOU to their child molesting, KKK Grandpa. Clay says she’s a liar just like his wife and daughter – who’ve all betrayed him with the black man.

27. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT

Clay shoots out the windows of a black church. Shoots at folks as they run out.

28. EXT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT

Lincoln drives his wife toward home. She won’t speak to him. Clay’s car emerges from a RIPPLE. Lincoln stops and orders his wife out of the car.

ACT THREE

1. EXT. CITY STREETS – NIGHT

Clay aims at a random black man when his car is rammed by Lincoln. Car chase through the city. Alarms go off as electricity arcs across the sky. The world’s fabric is rending…

Both crash their cars. Pursue each other on foot.

2. EXT./INT. COTTON PROCESSING PLANT – NIGHT

Both men chase shadows. It’s cat and mouse where both appear, one disappears never quite in full view of the other. Sudden quakes cause near collapse of building.

3. EXT. LINCOLN’S NEIGHBORHOO – NIGHT

Nubia, on foot, finally approaches home when– the neighborhood ripples and shifts.

4. EXT. CLAY’S NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT – CONTINOUS

Confused, she stands in the middle of a street she does not recognize. RIPPLE.

5. EXT. LINCOLN’S NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT – CONTINOUS

Back to her neighborhood when car brakes scream. The face of the approaching car’s driver freezes in anguish as he runs her down…

6. EXT. SKY – NIGHT

It’s ripping apart.

7. INT. PLANT – NIGHT

The men’s search for amid their shapes rippling in and out. Their bullets ricochet and each is struck. Building is coming down. Both drag themselves in opposite directions to get out.

8. EXT. PLANT – NIGHT

Clay drags himself out into the night. Moon shines down on pools of water. As he bleeds out, he sees his reflection in the water. It’s Lincoln.

9. EXT. PLANT – NIGHT

Lincoln drags himself out, sees his reflection in water. It’s Clay. The two look up at each other as a BRIGHT FLASH OF LIGHT washes all out…

10. EXT. SPACE

Strings appear in the blackness and resonate like harp strings. (String Theory) A FLASH OF LIGHT then…

11. EXT. MIXED NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY

The sun shines down on a newly formed reality – literally. Clay’s daughter strolls with her baby past black and white townspeople who warmly ask what her baby’s name is. Emmy smiles. It’s Elijah.

[Dana Abbott]

Hi Dev

Would you like to exchange feedback about outlines? I just posted mine. I am number 10 just below.

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Dev

Thanks for your critique of First Time Caller. I have gone back and forth about introducing the husband and children at the beginning. I may write it both ways to see how it works. One of the reasons I didn’t include the family at the beginning was due to budget. Working with children increases cost and time. I’ll have to see how it works. I appreciate all your insights. I’ll uses them in my next rewrite.

I really liked your concept when I first read it. The idea is a great spin on the switching stories.

Your outline has a very quick pace. It flows from beginning to end with scenes that are easy to visualize. The character interactions of both men with their respective families are strong. Clay’s childhood flashbacks give us good insight into his character without bogging down the story. And his resentment at losing power in the KKK and taking it out on the people around him adds to his character’s downfall.

The transition into Lincoln’s life and following his story for the remainder of the script was also a good way to demonstrate the different lives of both men. Showing him being pushed into a darker direction by Clay until the final conflict was also good.

From your concept, however, I expected Clay to wake up knowing he was in Lincoln’s body and begin to see life through a black man’s eyes. I kept waiting for him to realize he was Lincoln and vice versa.

I understand the ending is meant to be a surprise for both men and the audience. But if Clay is the Grand Dragon and Lincoln the peacemaker, and they flip, why don’t the personalities flip? Clay still behaves like Clay and Lincoln behaves like Lincoln. How do they not know they’re in different bodies?

Or am I reading this wrong? Does Lincoln just wake up with Clay’s plot to kill the Grand Dragon rather than their switching bodies? Is the ending meant as a metaphor? If they are meant to switch bodies, I think I’d like to know that sooner rather than later.

The conflict between the two men and their inner conflicts are very good. And the supporting characters give strength to the story. You have written a very good outline.

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Hi, Dev

I got hour last email. I get the alternate universe idea. It’s better than switching bodies, but much more complicated. And I’ve been puzzling about it. Just to play around a little:

Rather than having one story follow the other (i.e. Clay falling asleep and waking up as Lincoln) have their lives running parallel to one another with the two men in conflict at the beginning. Clay the racist and Lincoln the peacemaker until the midpoint when the alt-universe happens via the building storm. Clay slowly evolves into the peacemaker and Lincoln into the racist until the climax when they finally see themselves.

I really like the idea, and I hope you figure out how to get where you want to go.

Dana

[Dev Ross]

Dana,

Great notes. I’m currently tearing my hair out and completely rethinking this. Yikes…

Thanks so much!

Dev

[June f]

Hi Dev,

Nice development and thank you for asking me to have a look at this go around. First off- throw out what doesn’t work for you and it might be everything I write. I could be dead wrong or maybe something I write will trigger you to think of solutions.

I’ve been trying to figure out how a multiple reality is established for a film. I like that you’ve got a lot of flickering and that’s helpful- but no flicker snaps a new reality fully into place until the final scene or maybe I missed it.

I read someone else’s response to your outline, and was somewhat relieved that he, too, missed the concept at first. You have an incredibly tricky challenge to make the alt realities clear. The other reviewer suggested cutting back and forth and I think that’s an excellent idea although cutting back and forth in film could also just signal showing parallel lives simultaneously.

But here’s the thing- and please bear with me- at the climax, Cain and Lincoln realize that they are just the alt version of the other. Why do they have to change lives at all? What’s the advantage, since they both proceed in the same ways to the same fates? In fact, I think that the life switching creates more questions than are answered.

What knowledge does Cain gain by living Lincoln’s life? and if he learns of Lincoln’s humanity and love of family and expectant child, and of how abrasive it is to live in America as a black man– then why wouldn’t he try to negotiate a ceasefire?

Your Resolution: A whole new world has formed where race hatred is obsolete. I wonder if this is possible to explain, except- that- if your ‘conceit’ (and by that I mean- the special way we view your film)- toggles back and forth fully- (not just a flick but full in) in various times/realities all the way through then this popping forward could work- especially if we see clips of the end reality early in the film. I suggest that you consider taking the film medium to the max and go for it. You have the power to jump all around, and to show things simultaneously, and even backwards. You can repeat. You can warp. You create the rules of this universe.

This would help to create a fabric of the many realities simultaneously. It is the world because you say it is the world from the beginning-climate or not. In one reality, the two could kill each other, in another reality they would both live. Same with the poor dead wives.

Your story has so much depth and heart- and you’ve added a lot to it, so it’s worth pursuing this. I like the added details of the daughter.

Here are a few practical questions for this visual medium that may help you to solve the riddle: 1) Does the same actor play both roles? 2) Do the characters remember who they are? or do they proceed as they would’ve without knowing? 3) Do their families know/ or see any differences? 4) Do their mannerisms change? 5) What about the possibility of cognition, and, after a near miss, snapping out of that reality to realize that Cain almost killed himself? 6) What captured you to have to write this story? 7) Why does it end with that reality disappearing and 8) could that reality flick back again?

I think that the real dramatic question is- will the grand dragon assassinate himself? And the answer is, yes. But, does he know?

Dilemma- He can’t stop because… Does Cain change his mind and want to stop?

Inciting incident and page 10 It might be more dramatic if the cross shows up on his lawn first, and then he learns why- that his daughter is pregnant with a black baby. It would force him to save face among his haters and show that he can be cruel.

Mid point- I’m a bit confused that Caine accuses his wife of having an affair w a black man since he’s the black man now and ?

I like that Caine has a different idea of who is in the Klan and how it’s changed. I like that he decides to teach Elijah his craft but, since this kindness doesn’t stick what has he learned?

Act II 2 basement: Has Cain turned to Lincoln at this point? 7. Lincoln at the nurse’s station- It appears that Hannah grabs him but it’s Nubia- Is Lincoln becoming Cain at this point? are the universes flipping fast like flickering lights? 14 & 15 very dramatic. 22 Nubia thinks Lincoln is losing it. Cool. But is anyone other than Caine and Lincoln aware of the flipping universes? 26 Very dramatic revelations.

Act III The last scene will be a hard call to pull off as is. It’s a dramatic and abrupt switch.

[Dev Ross]

Hi June,

Great notes and… I’m in the process of rethinking this whole thing. Ieeee! I can answer what drew me to doing a story like this. Firstly, after interviewing a Grand Dragon for another project, I was left knowing that I had to write something about him in particular. He truly believes that the bible calls for race separation. He was passionate, endearing, God-fearing, and ultimately terrifying. Secondly, after watching “Man in the High Castle” on Amazon. It deals with multi-universes as well and was hard to follow but ultimately very satisfying. I’ll keep at it…

Many thanks!

[Arthur Anderson]

Hey Dev:

Would you like to exchange critiques?

Best,

Arthur

[June f]

June Fortunato’s Request for Exchange- Outline for “Retirement”

A. Logline. Crazyass super mooch Roy can get his SSI and vet’s benefits, but only if he stops running and gets a permanent place to live. Just when he almost convinces himself to do that, he’s smitten with Kim- a smart and sassy also moocher who loves him, too, but can’t stop to face her own dark past. Together they figure it out.

B. Dramatic Question. Will Roy find a permanent place and will it be with Kim?

C. Main Conflict. Roy needs to stop running but doesn’t want to do it without Kim & Kim can’t stop running or her dark past will catch up with her.

D. Dilemma. Roy is torn between running with Kim who makes him feel alive and surviving by staying in one place.

E. Theme. Forgiveness, denial, trust, dissolution vs living

Plot choice: Love

Character structure: Buddy

Lead characters: Roy, and secondary lead, Kim

Roy is a clever, wild, fun guy, 60s: a charming mooch who’ll do just about anything but also has a deceptive sense of morality. Inside, he harbors a deep spirit wound that prevents him from fully embracing others.

Kim, 50s, also harbors deep wounds, and she’s incredibly lonely but unwilling to bond with anyone, ever again. Smart and resourceful, she pushes the stream of negative thoughts out of her head with extremely loud conversations with herself. She is afraid to face herself- and doesn’t want to know what he sees. And he sees her.

4. Protagonist Character Arc: Roy- can’t get over what he did in the war, and vowed to atone for it by never having a comfortable life. He believes himself to be worthless, and that whatever he does will end in hurting someone. He learns to forgive himself and believe that he can have love and be loved. Kim’s love has helped him to feel worthy of living an easier life.

A) Part to be changed: After a shit childhood, and retaliating by killing the enemy in a war, Roy feels he can never deserve a comfortable life- that he was always worthless, and can’t accept what he did, despite the fact that he got a medal of honor for saving his comrades.

B) Biggest Fear: If he stops running, he’ll be caught up by his demons and haunted by the souls of those he snuffed out.

4a, Protagonist Character Arc: Kim: can’t forgive what people have done to her and can’t come to terms. She’s terrified that if she stops running her past will confront her and she’ll lose her soul. After helping Roy, and seeing his abject remorse, she learns to stop hurting herself. She feels secure and solid for the first time.

Inciting incident: Roy declared himself dead long ago and now, almost actually dies from his reckless behavior. A lawyer reestablishes the fact that he’s alive to pay his bills, but he can’t live rough anymore. He must get a bank account/and a permanent address, to collect SSI and vet benefits in 6 weeks time or lose it all.

Page 10 He has met Kim and is smitten. His attempts at getting a bank account and apartment are failing, and he’s losing his will to play that game.

End of Act I- Beginning of Act II Roy and Kim get together

Mid-point Act II- Roy is pet sitting and has a tentative possibility for an address but he had a

melt down so Kim disappeared. Now he feels lost and joyless. He goes back to his old life for a while, more reckless than ever- and that includes pyro.

Second turn- End of Act II

Roy longs for Kim. Kim re-acquaints herself with a woman she ripped off- and the woman forgives her. This is a step toward Kim learning how to forgive others. Roy has a physical breakdown on the street and cries for the first time since he was a child. Roy and Kim get back together but Kim disappears again.

Crisis

The clock has just about run out for Roy- and he has nothing- no place to live/collect his benefits, no Kim- and no ability to survive. He searches for Kim. He finds her in the same emotional state.

Climax

Kim finally tells him about her past. He saves her from suicide and instead, they blow up her brother’s cliffside cabin- the site of her past misery. The two vow to try together.

Resolution

They find ways to keep life exciting but not so rough. Roy has learned to forgive himself and Kim has learned to forgive others.

F. The entire outline showing ALL of your scenes in the movie. Dear fellow writers, please note: I’ve grouped my sequences and some scenes together. The numbers before the slug lines indicate actual scene numbers.

Opening

1,2,3. EXT. SUZY’S RENTAL – LATE AFTERNOON Roy waits outside until he realizes that his girl, Suzy, moved out. He crashes there but the landlord shows up so he steals the cleaning crew’s van and, wanting a place to sleep, he decides on “jail” and deliberately smashes the van into a Wawa.

4,5. INT. JAIL HOLDING CELL- EARLY AFTERNOON The food sucks so he decides that jail is not a good retirement plan. He baits his cellmates and gets pummeled so that he can go to option 2: the hospital – where coincidently his (ex) girl works.

6, 6a, 6b. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT – EVENING Roy is in traction. Doctors inform him that he can’t live “rough” anymore- his body is ruined. His ex, Suzy, hooks him up with a lawyer to represent him because he faces criminal charges, hospital debts and he owes her money, too.

6c,7, 7a,8,9.INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY- OSTEO UNIT – WEEKS LATER – LATE AFTERNOON Roy meets another patient, Kim, who’s healing after a horrific ‘accident’ Kismet. Later, Roy rescues her from her oppressive (visiting) brother. Kim steals keys from the nurses’ station and bolts. They are Suzy’s keys. Suzy accuses Roy of taking them but he’s innocent.

10. INT. COURTROOM – MORNING After the war, Roy had himself declared dead and his lawyer figures out how to change that status so that he can collect his SSI and Veterans’ pay boost. His backpay covers all of his recent debts but he must get a bank account to collect further payments. This is a dramatic change of identity, and a catch 22- without an address- no bank account- no bank account = no address. Meanwhile, Kim has Suzy’s car and she doesn’t want to be found.

End of first 10 pages

11. INT. PARKING GARAGE – MORNING Kim parks Suzy’s stolen car in a parking garage where they park the car for you and give you a claim ticket.

INT. BOUTIQUE – CONTINUOUS Kim chats with another shopper, a kind woman, Marilyn, and swaps her parking claim ticket for hers.

12, 14. INT. PARKING GARAGE – CONTINUOUS Kim gets Marilyn’s car. Among the goodies in the car, she finds a gym membership. She drives Marilyn’s car to a cabin near a cliff and stares at it. She sees her brother through the window and drives away. She heads to Marilyn’s gym while

13. INT. PARKING GARAGE Marilyn learns that her car is missing, she’s greatly delayed and worries about her pets at home.

15. INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY – EVENING Suzy’s car was found in the parking garage. Roy is still in the hospital under her watch.

16. INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE – EVENING Marilyn gets home late, her pets are frantic, and one trips her and causes her to break a hip. She calls a neighbor to pet-sit. The neighbor allows her kid to do it but he’s resentful.

17, 17a. INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – POOL- EVENING Intro to Bellevue Hotel- Kim talks loudly to herself at the adjoining club swimming pool to express trauma from going to the cliff/cabin. She decides not to be like her brother, and to return Marilyn’s car to the parking garage.

17b. INT. PARKING GARAGE – EVENING Kim parks Marilyn’s car but keeps the gym pass. She walks to a nearby legit theatre.

17c. EXT./INT. THEATRE – NIGHT Kim sneaks in as the house crew is locking up. Kim longs to be an actor and has a blast performing on the empty stage and dressing in costumes in the dark theatre. (dark, as in “no performances”)

18. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT – EARLY MORNING Roy is released from the hospital. He’s reminded that he has 6 weeks to get his act together or lose it all.

18a, 18b EXT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – CONTINUOUS Roy discovers a box of fresh baguettes as they’re delivered outside of the Bellevue. He grabs one, and, dressed in his ‘court suit’ decides to explore inside. He finds a balcony above one of the meeting rooms that’s used to run pipes. It’s a perfect place: food, restrooms, shelter- to camp out and no one will find him.

19. INT. THEATRE – MORNING Clips of Kim, exploring and enjoying the theatre and theatre bar. The place feels like home until crew enter to set up and she sneaks out.

19a, 19b, 19c EXT. PARKING GARAGE – MORNING Kim passes the parking garage where she stole and then returned the car and overhears the parking attendant apologizing because he couldn’t find Marilyn’s car and now has found it- he gets fired. Kim feels incredibly guilty and vows to find a way to compensate him.

20. BANK Roy is rejected for an account.

21. INT. BUS – AFTERNOON Kim returns to the cliffside cabin. She yanks out all of the flowers, smashes a window and returns to center city.

22, 22a. EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING- AFTERNOON Roy’s attempt at renting and apartment is rejected, so he sneaks back in, grabs the fire hose, makes it into a noose and hangs it over the front door.

End of Act I

Act II Roy and Kim together

23. INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – BALCONY Roy returns to live on the Bellevue balcony.

24. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT Now Marilyn is in the osteo unit. She’s frantic about her pets. Suzy tries to contact the kid/petsitter, can’t and promises to check in on the pets. She also recommends Roy as a bit weird but a serious animal lover and trustworthy.

25, 26, 26a, 26b,27 INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – HALLWAYS AND SUITE Kim enters the Bellevue and goes to the gym. Later, she wanders the hotel and slips into an empty suite to crash in. Roy, also at the Bellevue, with a big plate of brunch food, finds Kim in a stairwell, also indulging. Kim invites Roy to her suite, they share stories and bond. Later, they steal another meal, this time by ordering room service to another room & grabbing it- and share the lux suite platonically.

27a, 27b INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE Suzy finds Marilyn’s house wrecked from a party. When the kid stops by with his friends to have another party, she makes him clean his mess and then boots him out.

27c. LOCATION TBD Due to his smashed window and trashed flower beds, Kim’s brother reports her to be found and sent to a psyche ward.

28. INT. BUS – PARKSIDE Kim takes Roy to show him the cliff/cabin. They stay out of sight. He doesn’t know why they’re there. Kim turns from sunny to strung out. He suggests going to a festival in Atlantic City. While they’re there a baby squirrel runs to him for protection. He replaces the fallen squirrel in its nest, and she’s impressed with his gentleness and animal whisperer magic.

28a INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE Suzy still can’t get ahold of Roy. She lets Marilyn know that she’ll stay for the night to take care of the pets but she’s determined to find an alternative to this arrangement.

29, 30a, 31 EXT. ATLANTIC CITY- FESTIVAL Roy and Kim have a great time at the festival/carnival until something triggers his PTSD, he melts down, acts crazy and people haul him into a small room. Kim stays with him, sings to him, calms him. It helps both of them. It’s emotionally revelatory. Roy asks her to be with him and she flatly refuses. She speaks with police and then disappears. In the morning, Roy searches for Kim on the beach without luck and he returns to Philly.

31a EXT. PHILADELPHIA STREET On the way back to his Bellevue balcony, he runs into Suzy who convinces him to meet Marilyn about pet sitting/and having an address for a while.

32. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT Roy and Marilyn hit it off. She decides to give him a try. Roy resigns himself to it, as well.

32a 32b INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE Suzy takes her lunch to introduce Roy to the pets/house. They take to him immediately and vice/versa.

33, 33a INT. ATLANTIC CITY – CLOSET, BUS, BELLEVUE, UNDERGROUND CAR PARK CUBBY Kim wakes in a closet in Atlantic City, looks for Roy on the beach, and takes a bus back to Philly. She looks for him on his Bellevue balcony, but he’s gone. Her suite is occupied. She ends up the underground car park- in a heating/cooling room/cubby or in an unlocked van.

Act II mid-point sequence

Roy slowly comes to terms with his past.

34. INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE Roy sits alone with the dogs- not so comfortable with this new life.

35. INT. HOSPITAL – OSTEO UNIT Kim searches for Roy/asks Suzy about his whereabouts. On the way out, Marilyn sees her and calls her into her room. Marilyn asks Kim if she’d be interested in pet sitting. Kim feels guilty as hell for causing Marilyn’s grief.

36, 37. INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE & STREETS & REVOLVING RESTAURANT & HOSPITAL Roy is anxious. He cares for the dogs and goes walking. He eventually sleeps on the floor of a tower / revolving restaurant and in the morning sees a film crew setting up below. He returns to take care of the dogs, then drops the keys off at the hospital. Now Marilyn and Suzy are stuck again.

38, 38a, 39. EXT. FILM SET Roy helps himself to the free food and weasels his way onto a Pyro crew- his wartime specialty. They love him and he’s good at what he does. His new friends let him stay with them, or he sleeps in the honeywagon or a truck if he has to. On pay day, the boss learns he wasn’t actually hired, doesn’t pay him and kicks him out. The friends give him some cash, and when he leaves, he blows up the union boss’ trailer. The crew who are left behind, get blamed for the “accident.”

40. EXT. STREETS Roy wanders looking for Kim.

40a. EXT. CLIFFSIDE & CABIN Kim, at the cliff/cabin again, unlocks the door takes a shower, dresses in clothes that are clearly

hers and breaks as many mirrors and ceramics as she can when she leaves. Then she relocks the door.

Act III

41, 41a, 41aa, 41aaa INT. DEPARTMENT STORE -DAY, INT. CITY HALL TOWER Roy discovers Kim shoplifting. They shoplift sandwiches; wine. Then they go to the top of city hall tower for a picnic. Roy tells her about his pet-sit and she confides that she was asked, too. They bond. They disclose secrets. They sleep in the tower, and when Roy wakes, Kim is gone.

41b, 41c EXT. STREETS Roy collapses on the street and people step over him. He breaks down. Follow up scene TBD.

42, 43, 43a, 44. INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY & MARILYN’S HOUSE Roy re-enlists in pet sitting. Suzy knows how he is, but she takes him to Marilyn. Marilyn talks to him about pairing with Kim to cover the house and pets. “It’s not for long. They two of you can alternate if you need.” Roy walks the dogs to the hospital and sneaks them in to see Marilyn. She’s thrilled. While there, Kim, having thought about the pet sitting idea, goes to the hospital and finds them there. Roy and Kim quickly reattach.

The tour sequence

45,46,47,48,49,50,51 VARIOUS Roy and Kim share their favorite crash pads, and spend time at each, daily returning to take care of the dogs and to sneak them to see Marilyn.

52. EXT. CLIFFSIDE & CABIN They visit the cabin/cliff and Kim discloses her plan to burn the place down and then commit suicide there- in front of her brother.

53,54, 55, 56, 57 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT, EXT. STREETS, INT. DEPARTMENT STORE, INT. MOVIE THEATRE More touring to show each other the favorite places- and Kim also takes care of Marilyn’s hair/nails. At one point, Kim feels so guilty that she admits to Marilyn that her condition is all her fault. Instead of outrage, Marilyn forgives Kim. Kim’s never had that reaction or felt that forgiveness before. Through this sequence, Kim often also disappears but ultimately visits Marilyn and finds Roy again. Marilyn proposes that if Roy and Kim stay together, she might redraft her will to leave her pets and house to them. The deal would be legal and certainly she doesn’t plan to kick the bucket anytime soon, but in actuality, she’s sinking fast.

60, 61 INT. HOSPITAL – DAY Marilyn is moved to a Hospice. A minister visits daily, and she talks to him about marrying Roy and Kim.

62, 63, 64 INT. BELLEVUE SUITE- NIGHT & INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE Roy and Kim crash the Bellevue and get caught/chased. This time, however, they have someplace to go. At Marilyn’s house, they hide in a makeshift location because a whole house is still too normal for them. When Roy scouts for food, Kim finds his medal of honor. She asks about it, and he gives up his past. Kim slips away once again. The next morning, the neighbor barges in with police to kick him out. The police drag him to the same holding cell where he got pummeled. He calls Marilyn/Suzy.

HOSPICE Marilyn straightens it out and demands the return of her house key from her neighbor.

69. EXT. CLIFFSIDE CABIN Roy is released from jail and goes to find Kim.

CLIMAX

70. EXT. CLIFFSIDE CABIN Roy begs Kim to stay with him and promises to keep her life exciting. She discloses what happened in her life. Fiercely empathetic, Roy blows up the cliffside cabin. They both laugh and weep cathartically as the brother shows up and they run.

71. Note: Must resolve the brother’s attempt at committing Kim to a psyche ward.

RESOLUTION

74, 75, 76, 77 INT. COURTROOM- DAY & INT. HOSPICE- DAY Roy and Kim get the legal deed to Marilyn’s house. They visit Marilyn often, and also sneak Marilyn out for romps and visits to her home- and they always take care of the dogs.

[anna harper]

Hello June may I offer an exchange? Mine is Silent Night which I think is below yours down the page. I will have yours to you tomorrow afternoon. Thank you. ps I like that you stayed on course with the specifics requested and already I can relate to your screenplay.

[June f]

Yes, I’d love to. Thanks

[June f]

Hi Anna,

Brilliant. I love it. Keep going, you’ve got a sale in your future. cheers. June’s response to Silent Night by Anna Harper

Clearly YA (young audience), I love this story. It’s sweet and has deep heart.

Here are a few notes I took along the way: You describe Elizabeth as “evil” It’s a cliche` way of looking at an opponent. Elizabeth would have to have a convincing ‘nice’ act or she’d never weasel her way into Steve’s world or her job at the school. It’s just word choice, really- such as “a veneer of homespun super nice with a dark and threatening undercurrent… “

Love the description of Dylan’s character as illusion of safety in silence, and an illusion of closeness to his dead mother, It’s deep.

Good dramatic question. I wonder if it’s 100% complete, as the question seems to be- will he learn to accept being alive after his mom has died. It also comes with a loaded question inevitably we all feel guilt when someone dies- why does Dylan feel guilt? Will he learn how to

live in a world where people ask horrible questions?

Alfie presents him with a shocking invasion into his silent world with two-way telepathy, thus (great) the beginning of an unwilling break in his silence. The dramas in Dylan’s life gradually force a coming out of the cocoon. (brilliant)

Elizabeth Perkins the teacher returns to her schoolroom and dialogues with her mirror. Placeholder rap song. re her enjoyment of her dark side. (funny. Very Disney style)

Alfie bathes and feeds Alfie. (typo. Dylan bathes and feeds Alfie.) Steve dumps Elizabeth. (that happened quickly)

Elizabeth locks Daisy in the basement. (obviously, you’ll add scenes to lead up to this. It comes out of nowhere in the outline and strains credulity- but I suspect you’ve got a plan for this)

Dylan speaks for the first time in two years to help Daisy. (great. What does his father make of this? scenes will be added here, no doubt)

Steve has an interview at Dylan’s school, He agrees to consider the boarding school option and takes the paperwork home. (who does Steve have the appointment with? and how did this come about? is Elizabeth advocating to get rid of Dylan, even though Steve dumped her? Elizabeth behind the scenes discussions with school admins. Also, Dylan has spoken again- so why send him to a special school? He’s improving…)

Big question: drawings and whines and barks until Steve looks at them. (Does the audience hear Alfie’s thought/communications? In this case, does the audience hear barking but also see lower thirds of dialogue/words?)

Steve calls the pound Dylan. (missing word)

Dylan speaks, says he wants a tattoo, his Dad will never allow it. (Why a tattoo? of his mom? What’s the significance of it? And why not ask for something special for Alfie? How does this connect with both Mom and Alfie?)

Steve agrees to keep Alfie.( What does he say? Alfie brought Christmas back to me? Something has to connect Alfie, who’s supposed to be out the door by the New Year.)

They conclude their meeting discussing the dilemma of wanting to grow up and still be kids. (Humm. Doesn’t quite work. Why do they want to grow up and still be kids? Since they’ve both suffered while being kids?)

[Cameron Martin]

Hey June! Thank you again for your awesome feedback!

I’ll admit, I may not be the best person for feedback with this concept, as I’m struggling to empathize with your characters. Not sure if that’s just me or if it’s the way the two are currently written. Regardless, here are my thoughts, and I hope they’re helpful to you.

CONCEPT/LOGLINE

I don’t get it. I mean…I get that they’re two characters that are continuously running from their problems, and their mutual life hacking strategies make for a perfect pair, in theory. Maybe I’m too accustomed to the idea that the antagonist (lover) offers something the protagonist needs. I’m a typical guy, so while I love rom-coms from time to time with my wife, I’m not as well versed in the tropes as action movies. Still, in 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU, Kat needs someone who’s honest and willing to be vulnerable to her, which Patrick provides. In addition, the need for someone to be honest and vulnerable to her mirrors her need to be the same for the people in her life that she loves, namely her little sister, Bianca. The conflict is in how Kat and Patrick meet, where Patrick is bribed in the beginning to woo Kat, but falls in love with her, thus jeopardizing the relationship because although Patrick can give Kat what she needs, the act that incited their love is a lie. I’m guessing what Kim offers Roy is acceptance for who he is? It seems like he gets that from Suzy and Marilyn though. Maybe I’m reading it wrong and am just spitballing ideas to make it fit in my head. Maybe I’m too anti-mooching to accept Roy’s behavior isn’t something that needs to be changed, like Kim’s craziness and need for protection is something that triggers Roy into providing for Kim, and by extension providing and being responsible for himself. What Kim can offer is understanding. I’ve never served in combat, and I can’t relate to the hardship in seeing your friends die in battle. That’s something not even Suzy and Marilyn can provide for Roy, but what if Kim could?

DRAMATIC QUESTION

I’m good with this. It’s solid enough. We can all relate to the feeling of finding where we belong, or what can constitute as “Home.”

MAIN CONFLICT

Yep! That’s a conflict involving a fantastic riddle. How does Roy get what he wants, while what he wants runs contradictory to what Kim desires?

DILEMMA

Again, this works. You reference the inciting incident as what initiates this drive to stay in one place, but I do believe it would be more powerful if what drives Roy is Kim. In the beginning, Roy comes off as an “I don’t give a rat’s ass” kind of guy, and I’d picture him saying something similar to everyone telling him to get a permanent address, because if he faked his death before, what’s to stop him from doing it again? Kim and her antics can be what compels him to make the choice from not caring to caring deeply and committing to a loving domicile.

THEME

I like dissolution vs living. It just needs to be tailored to a specific message. I’ve fallen into the trap before of having my theme be about a general noun or verb, rather than having it register as a prophetic point. THE MATRIX, as an example, has a number of different ideas that take inspiration from various religions and philosophies (Christianity, Hinduism, Plato’s Allegory of the Cave, etc.) but it’s central theme lies in the idea that when we believe in ourselves, we can bend our own reality to our will. The main hurdle Neo overcomes in the story is in his self confidence. When he does finally believe he’s the one, THAT’S when he stops bullets and defeats Agent Smith. THAT’S the theme of THE MATRIX. Maybe the theme of RETIREMENT is “when we stop running and plant roots, that’s when we find true happiness.”

PLOT CHOICE

No complaints. You have an original love story.

CHARACTER STRUCTURE

Is it a Rom-Com or a Buddy movie? If Roy is smitten, wouldn’t the movie trailer reflect that and sell me on this being a romance?

LEAD CHARACTERS

I think I get Roy. I don’t know if I learn exactly what Kim’s deal is. We talk about Roy serving in a bloody battle, but what’s Kim’s trouble with her brother? Apologies if I missed the scene that explores this in detail.

PROTAGONIST CHARACTER ARC

I can buy Roy wanting to atone for a perceived wrong through self torture. It breaks my heart and I totally get it. Seeing him learn to love himself again is a true triumph that I’ll gladly pay to see at the theater, and Kim’s involvement in that healing process, in spite of her flaws, makes the whole journey more worth while.

Biggest fear reminds me of Nathan in THE LAST SAMURAI, and I buy the urge to bury or run from the dead and the past.

I can get behind the challenge Kim has in learning to forgive. It’s a difficult skill, and is relatable to a number of people. I don’t know if it’s exactly what Roy needs to move on from his hurt. Referencing 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU again, Kat’s need for someone genuine is tied to the betrayal she felt from the guy who lied to her in order to sleep with her. That one event changed her to put up walls and keep everyone out. Patrick’s origin explaining why he’s so aloof isn’t touched on as much, but his willingness to change from putting up the persona of being a bad boy to being real and vulnerable with Kat (being honest) is what helps Kat learn to put down her barriers and let people back into her life again. Just looking at it from this angle, I don’t know yet how someone who struggles to forgive others is all that great for someone who struggles to forgive themselves, unless, just like Patrick has to do, she changes for Roy (becoming more forgiving and open) just as Roy changes for her (becoming more responsible and caring).

For the 9 plot points, I would try getting those down to one sentence, as that will help them be as powerful as they need to be. Too many sentences dilutes your vision. Other than that, I’d say they’re going in the right direction. Midpoint of a story structurally is where the story turns on its head (TOY STORY – Woody and Buzz are still trying to get home, but now they’re stuck in Sid’s house (potential danger to real danger). ALIENS – Ripley and the Marines go from being on offense to the defensive and getting the hell out. GLADIATOR – Maximus enters the Colosseum and reveals himself to Commodus. FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING – Frodo takes on the permanent of role of Ring Bearer). The second turning point of Act 2 is structurally the “All is Lost” and “Dark Night of the Soul” part of the story. It’s where things get “real” and all measures must be taken to assure victory (TOY STORY – Buzz is strapped to a rocket and will explode tomorrow morning. ALIENS – Newt is captured and the only one left who can go after her is Ripley. GLADIATOR – Maximus’ escape plot fails, and his allies are either arrested or killed. FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING – Gandalf dies, thus initiating the collapse of the Fellowship). The Crisis is where the true gravity of the situation comes into play or a critical rule must be broken (TOY STORY – Buzz isn’t freed in time, prompting the toys break their number 1 rule. ALIENS – We see the alien queen for the first time, and she goes after Ripley and Newt. GLADIATOR – Commodus stabs Maximus, mortally wounding him and placing him at a critical disadvantage. FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING – Boromir turns on Frodo, prompting Frodo to wear the ring, which announces to the forces of Mordor exactly where he is). The Climax is where the story’s theme comes into play through life or death (literally or figuratively) action. The Resolution is returning to the status quo, but changed, whether for the better or for worse (TOY STORY – Woody and Buzz are back in Andy’s room doing recon on new toys, just like at the beginning of the story. ALIENS – Ripley is back to sleep again, but the nightmare is over. GLADIATOR – Maximus departs for Elysium to be with his wife and son again. FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING – It’s down to Sam and Frodo again, just like how they started their journey). Using 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU as an example, the party is where the story turns on its head, with Cameron discovering Bianca was using him, just as he was using Patrick, Patrick and Kat actually start to have feelings for each other, and Bianca learns Joey is a prick. The dark night of the soul comes when Kat refuses to go to prom, meaning Bianca isn’t allowed to go to prom, and the two sisters have to reconcile their past. The true gravity of the situation comes into play at prom, when Joey reveals to Kat that her time with Patrick was payed for for him to get closer to Bianca, thus ending the relationship between Kat and Patrick, and forcing Cameron and Bianca to stand up for themselves. The story’s theme comes into play with Kat reading her poem to Patrick, with the whole class in attendance. Finally, the resolution is Patrick using the money Joey gave him to pay for Kat’s dream guitar and asking for her forgiveness. The two reunite, Cameron and Bianca are together, and Joey is a distant memory.

OUTLINE

Get the scenes down to one to two sentences, and ensure each scene turns. Referencing Robert McKee’s “Story,” a scene is an event that shifts the emotional polarity of the moment from the positive to the negative, vice versa, or from positive to more positive or negative to more negative. Doing this will help to keep your story from feeling stagnant and give each moment something that will keep the audience engaged. You have a lot of scenes that do this. The problem is the reference to multiple scene numbers is confusing, because I don’t know where some events turn the story, and where others feel like filler. An amazing breakdown of Robert McKee’s philosophy on scene structure, if you’re interested, can be found in the YouTube channel’s “Just Write” analysis of the anime, DEATH NOTE (name of the video is “Death Note: How to Write Binge-Worthy Television”). Beyond that, I know Roy and Kim are “moochers,” but I’d enjoy seeing some skill involved in their taking advantage of others. Otherwise, it just feels like they’re getting away with a lot and having things given to them during the story, rather than them earning or sacrificing for the things they want. For example, the deed to Marilyn’s house feels a little too convenient. It might’ve worked in Shakespeare’s time with a lot of his comedies, but I don’t know that it works as well when we try to incorporate theme. They’re moochers because of unreconciled guilt and shame. I imagine they’re mooching is a way of coping and running from their problems, but that once they face and deal with their issues, the need to mooch is gone, and they’re capable of starting to live responsibly. They might not be able to afford a nice, large home, but a small town house or studio apartment would still get the point across that they’re ready to take care of themselves more than acquiring the home of someone else without personal sacrifice.

Thanks again for your notes! I hope mine were helpful to you. Your concept sounds fascinating with a lot of potential for heartfelt drama. I can’t wait to see what it becomes throughout the course!

Cam

[June f]

Hi Cam,

Thanks for your detailed and thoughtful feedback. I’ve copied them into a word doc and will mull them over. Cheers! and good wishes. June

[anna harper]

I think this gritty piece of entertainment is original and intriguing. In parts it made me think of the Elementary TV series, where the pieces of the puzzle are brought together.

I think a difficulty with this assignment for me was getting in enough information for things to flow. (In my own project as well) I did get a bit confused with the two women and the maybe love triangle.

I think this could really fly. Something I did notice was the use of vernacular that might be confusing to your larger English-speaking audience. ie What is a Warwa? And wondering does pyro mean he likes setting fires? What happens when the landlord shows up? I could guess a few different possibilities.

Boutique. Why does Marilyn give her ticket to Kim? Are they friends?

Pet sitting the neighbour resents it her kid, then his kid.

What is a legit theatre? In UK/Australia etc. theatre could mean cinema or something like a repertory theatre. reading through I deduce you mean live theatre.

Balcony, having trouble visualizing the plumbing pipes and the balcony (for expensive patrons viewing)

What is the setup payoff for Suzie to help Marilyn, It may be in there I was just getting a little lost.

I hope this is of some use. I really liked it and was genuinely drawn to your piece. I get bored out of my mind with predictable stuff that is out there. This is a sharp and original concept.

My background is mental health (social worker) and I think understanding what draws people into a life of chaos is very useful for building social tolerance and understanding.

I see this as a juicy piece and can visualize your characters potentially dressed in clothes that reflect their lives. Like the switch up emotionally to a happy ending. We all need one now. Even though in real life, this is usually not the case for people in such challenging circumstances. PS I thought the bit with the noose was really excellent drama.

[June f]

Hi Anna,

Thanks for your thoughtful critique and supportive words.

Ha! I am American and this takes place in Philadelphia, PA USA. Although we here in Philly are somewhat like aliens…. Humm, maybe I shouldn’t name actual businesses in this area- such as WAWA, which is like a 7-11, or a convenience store. Pyro is what the person on a film set who’s in charge of setting explosives, fire special effects, etc. is titled. When the landlord shows up, Roy slips out the window and jacks their van- then rams it into a Wawa. Marilyn doesn’t know that Kim has stolen/swapped her ticket. Legit theatre means live theatre as compared to movie theatre/cinema. The balcony with the pipes is an actual place where a homeless person lived in the Bellevue for 6 months before he was caught. I used to work events there and once in a while hung lights from the balcony rail. It was a serious trip hazard, and the floor had years of dust on it. The room it overlooked was a gorgeous meeting room and party space. It was over a room used as a conference and party room. Suzy is Marilyn’s nurse and she’s a little too kind, and a fixer type- hence the reason Roy mooched off of her for so long. She wants Roy settled so that he doesn’t come back. But I agree that it might stretch credulity a bit and am still thinking about that one.

Thank you for your kindness, and it’s especially appreciated since you understand so much about mental health. All good wishes. June

[anna harper]

Thank you for educating me on the expressions in the USA. I thought WaWa might be an RV?

Just loved the real story of the homeless man living on the lux balcony.

[anna harper]

Hello June,

many thanks for your critique. I found boiling it down to one sentence was going to make me crazy, as in 9 beats, which is why I posted the complete out line below. I do not think my 9 beats did a good job at all. Totally agree with your comment re the last scene. Was up last night dreaming of the next two scenes which I need to add for it to be a whole cogent piece of work. Thank you for taking the time to do my critique.

[Arthur Anderson]

Hey June:

Would you like to exchange critiques?

Best,

Arthur

[Arthur Anderson]

Hey June:

I love the concept of two older people with major character flaws getting together and having to figure out how to make their relationship work. I think you have done a great job with these two characters seeing the world not as it is but through the lenses of their wounds.

Trying to look at this story from an angle other people have not brought up, it might help invest the audience a little more emotionally in the plight of these characters to see a few flashbacks showing how they developed the instabilities they now manifest.

Another idea to reveal their inner workings. Do Roy and Kim try going to a rehab group at the beginning of the film and it goes horribly wrong but pays off later in the film when they both realize they are not going to make it together without some outside help. Does Marilyn arrange that help for them?

In 71: Do Roy and Kim set her brother up to have him committed to a psyche ward?

I love the ending where they find mutual joy by helping a dying woman enjoy her last days.

Best,

Arthur

[June f]

Hi Arthur,

Thanks for the encouragement and positivity. Good notes. Yes, I intend to have Suzy’s pov on Roy, and want to create a confrontation with the brother before the end. Thanks for the reminders. Good wishes with your work and grazie again. June

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Outline Version #1

Concept: A patient with multiple personality disorder calls a radio psychiatrist and warns that his more dominant and violent personality will kill one member her kidnapped family every hour on air unless she can excise his violent personality before the end of the show.

Plot Choice: #8 – Rivalry

Character Structure: #1 Protagonist vs. Antagonist

Lead Characters:

Ellen Landry – The psychiatrist trying to save her kidnapped family.

Jason/Ryan – The patient threatening to kill Ellen’s family.

Det. Sorenson – Lead detective chasing the kidnapper.

Dramatic Question:

Can Ellen stop her patient from murdering her family?

Main Conflict:

A dangerous patient threatens to kill a radio psychiatrist’s kidnapped family.

Dilemma:

Does Ellen try to dissuade her patient from killing her family or does she manipulate him into killing himself before he can execute his threat?

Theme:

Sacrificing one’s morality to save another.

Character Arc: Anxious radio host to powerful psychiatrist able to take down violent patient.

Plot/Structure:

1. Opening: Late for work, Ellen Landry learns she is missing her meeting with her station manager, increasing her anxiety level.

2. Inciting Incident: A caller tells Ellen that he has kidnapped her family and plans to execute one every hour on air unless she can excise the personality before the end of the show.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: A dangerous patient has kidnapped Ellen’s family, and she must play a deadly game of life and death on air to save them.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: Ellen’s husband calls her show to confirm he and their daughters have been kidnapped by Ryan, the violent personality, who is now in control,

5. Midpoint: After her husband is murdered, Ellen tries to extract Jason’s manic-depressive personability and pressure him toward suicide to saver her daughters.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: The manic-depressive personality reveals himself.

7. Crisis: The violent personality reemerges to foil Ellen’s plan.

8. Climax: Ellen pits the man’s personalities one against the other, fighting for dominance until she hears a gun go off. Silence leaves her on edge. Then SWAT discovers the man dead, and her daughters saved.

9. Resolution: Ellen is sent to reunite with her daughters. The detective assigned to the case learns that the caller was not working alone, someone else was involved and is still at large.

FIRST TIME CALLER – ESSENCE OUTLINE

1. INT./EXT. ELLEN’S CAR – DAY

Ellen Landry’s husband, Roger, calls to tell her his car wouldn’t start and he’s using Uber to drop their daughters at school before heading to work. She cuts the call short when her producer calls. Ellen is missing her meeting with the station manager. Ellen completely forgot, now anxious and hurrying.

2. EXT. STATION – DAY

Ellen parks and, grappling with her purse and briefcase, hurries inside.

3. EXT. RECEPTION – DAY

Ellen’s producer meets her in a panic and hurries Ellen into the conference room.

4. INT. CONFERENC ROOM – DAY

Ellen sits down as the meeting is adjourned. She’s mortified. The station manager meets with Ellen about her ratings. They need to improve, or he will have to release her.

5. INT. RESTROOM – DAY

Ellen emotions get the better of her. A man steps from a stall, and Ellen realizes she’s in the men’s room. Her producer enters looking for her. Ellen tells her about the station manager’s meeting. Her producer tells Ellen not to worry and builds her confidence. All they need is one great show.

6. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

The station manager enters. Ellen’s producer scolds him for his poor people skills. He admits he’s a schmuck, but the owner is concerned and wants him to find Ellen’s replacement just in case.

7. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen settles in at her microphone. She notices the manager hovering and is more nervous. Ellen welcomes her listeners, and the first call is boring. She watches the manager leave disappointed.

8. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

The producer screens the next caller, Jason, who claims to suffer from multiple personality disorder.

INCITING INCIDENT

9. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen engages Jason, but when she recognizes him as her ex-patient, she advises him that she cannot continue the conversation on-air. Before she can end the call, Jason screams for her not to hang up. He then warns that his violent personality has kidnapped her family and intends to kill them unless she can excise the personality by the end of the show. Jason suddenly argues with someone else – another personality – and the call drops. Her producer goes to a commercial.

10. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

The station manager returns. He quips about boring calls.

11. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen tells them Jason was an ex-patient who suffered from DID (dissociative identity disorder). Worried, Ellen calls her husband. The call goes to voicemail. She calls the school. Her daughters haven’t arrived. Maybe they’re just late. The school will call when they arrive.

The station manager decides to call the police as a precaution due to policy. Ellen’s producer keeps her from unravelling and takes the next call. Ellen is distracted, concerned about her family.

12. INT. DETECTIVE SQUAD – DAY

Detective Sorenson is assigned the investigation. He complains the case is a snipe hunt.

13. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

During a commercial break, Ellen calls her husband again. Nothing. She calls his work. He hasn’t arrived yet. And the school hasn’t called back. She’s more on edge.

14. INT. RECEPTION – DAY

The manager greets Sorenson when he arrives and explains the situation.

15. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson questions Ellen and her producer about the call.

16. INT. ON-AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen tells him everything she remembers about Jason. Sorensen asks the routine questions and reassures her not to panic. He asks for a private room.

17. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

Sorenson calls his station to start an investigation. He still thinks it’s a snipe hunt.

18. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

The producer screens another call. Ryan. “Long time listener. First time caller.” He engages Ellen in polite conversation, but Ellen is perplexed why exactly he’s called.

19. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

Sorenson, still on the phone, learns the caller’s number belongs to Ellen’s husband. What?

20. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ryan puts Ellen’s husband – Roger – on the phone. Roger confirms he and their two daughters have been kidnapped. Ryan, Jason’s the violent personality, has taken control.

21. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson runs in to hear Ryan explain the rules of the game.

22. INT. ON AIR BOOTH – DAY

CLOSE ON ELLEN as the last rule is given: Ellen must talk Ryan down or he’ll shoot her family one at a time starting at the top of the hour.

FIRST TURNING POINT – END OF ACT 1

23. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Sorenson jumps to action and coordinates the investigation. Track the husband’s phone. Find the Uber driver. Put SWAT on standby. Find the sister in Memphis.

24. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen, in shock, pleads with Ryan. Why is he doing this? She failed Jason. She abandoned him for the “circus” (radio), and today he – Ryan – is giving her second chance to redeem herself.

25. EXT. STATION – DAY

A TV van arrives. The reporter and camera men jump out.

26. INT. RECEPTION – DAY

The receptionist spies the TV van arriving outside and calls the manager.

27. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

The manager tells Sorensen about the media. Sorenson says no statements. Jason is probably watching TV. Send people home. Lock down the station.

28. RECEPTION – DAY

The barbarians are at the gate. The manager is stunned as more vans and reporters show up.

29. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen doctors Ryan, but he won’t allow Jason to return. She keeps looking at the clock is ticking toward the next hour.

30. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson listens to Ellen and Ryan spar. He gets a call. They have a fix on the Uber driver. He’s not responding to calls, and his car’s GPS indicates he’s home. SWAT is enroute to the location.

Sorenson signals Ellen to stall. They may be close to finding her family.

31. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen nods and engages Ryan, stilling talking him down. But the minutes are ticking down.

32. INT. SWAT VAN – DAY

The SWAT commander instructs his men on the plan. It’s a hostage situation.

33. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen engages Ryan, still working him. Watching the clock on the wall as the hour approaches.

34. INT. HOUSE – DAY

SWAT breaches the front door and storms inside.

35. INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

The Uber driver is dead. He’s been dead more than a day. SWAT finds the husband’s phone.

36. INT. CONTROL ROOM – DAY

Sorenson learns it’s not Jason, and that Jason is using a spoof number, number disguising his own.

37. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Laughing at the police incompetence, Ryan tells Ellen it’s time for her choose one member of her family to die. He threatens her daughters. When Ellen pleads for him not to harm them, Ryan choses her husband by default.

Ellen listens as Jason drags her husband into the room. Roger tells Ellen he loves her. Ryan shoots him on air. Ryan then breaks the call. “We’ll be right back after this short break.”

Ellen flees the booth through a secondary door, hysterical.

38. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Sorenson grabs her, and she falls into his arms, sobbing. She says she’s going to be sick.

39. INT. RESTROOM – DAY

Sorenson kicks open the door. Ellen falls into a stall and throws up. Sorenson urges her to be strong. She slaps him, taking out her frustration, and collapses to the floor, unable to go on. Sorenson holds her. He tells her she can’t stop. She must be strong for her daughters.

40. STATION MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY

The station manager argues with the owner on the phone about the situation. He slams the phone down, frustrated, angry.

41. INT. RESTROOM – DAY

Sorenson holds Ellen as she recovers. What can she tell him about Jason? Her patient files are on her laptop in her office. Her producer enters. The caller is back on-air and asking for Ellen.

42. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen reengages with Ryan, but it’s a young boy, Bobby. Jason’s protective personality. She engages Bobby. He confirms Roger is dead, but her daughters are safe. Ellen, barely able to speak, falters, silent, wiping tears. She stares at nothing, deep in thought. She listens to Bobby.

43. INT. OFFICE – DAY

Sorenson opens Ellen’s laptop. He opens Jason’s file and reads. We see Jason’s picture.

44. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Ellen’s producer, in tears herself, and the station manager try to get Ellen to engage Bobby. Sorenson enters carrying Jason’s printed patient file. Everyone looks to him concerned.

MIDPOINT

45. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

A terrible aspect appears in Ellen’s eyes. Her emotions under control, she speaks with Bobby about William. Does he remember William? Everyone wonders what she’s doing.

46. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson scans Jason’s patient file, stunned. He tells the others that William is a manic-depressive and suicidal personality. Sorenson looks to Ellen, realizing her intent, and warns that her strategy is dangerous and ill-advised.

47. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen, still engaged with Bobby, ignores Sorenson, determined to save her daughters – her way. She’s becoming the psychiatrist she needs to become.

48. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson realizes Ellen’s in control now.

49. INT. ON AIR BOOTH – DAY

Ellen delves into Bobby’s memory to draw out William. Bobby resists. He never liked William.

50. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Sorenson receives a call from the police. They have tracked down Jason’s sister. They transfer the call to him. The sister tells Sorenson everything she knows. Will she talk to her brother on air?

51. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen learns Jason’s sister is on the phone and puts her on air. Ellen listens to Jason’s sister plead for him to stop, tormenting Ellen’s conflicted emotions. But when the sister cannot convince Jason to stop, Ellen delves deeper into Jason to draw William out.

52. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

The department alerts Sorenson they have a lead on Jason’s location, but they need time. The clock on the wall ticking down the minutes to the next hour.

53. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

William reveals himself to Ellen.

SECOND ACT TURNING POINT – END OF ACT 2

54. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Sorenson on the phone. They have a fix on Jason. Units are on the way.

55. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen begins to doctor William, asking him if he understands the situation that he’s involved in. She pushes William into a depressive state.

56. EXT. BRIDGE – DAY

The SWAT van and police cars, lights on, racing across the bridge. The scene is silent but for the VOICEOVER of Ellen manipulating William.

57. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Although anguished by the harm she’s causing, Ellen persists. Does William want the death of her children on his conscience? Doesn’t he want to be at peace. She presses him hard. The only way to stop this is for William to kill Ryan. But that means killing himself.

58. INT. SWAT VAN – DAY

The SWAT team getting ready.

59. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

William pleads for Ellen to stop, but she presses. If he wants peace, he must find the strength to do what he knows he must do. Ellen pushes hard, her tears running, almost unable to speak, torturing herself, sacrificing her humanity to save her daughters.

CRISIS: Ryan intercedes, realizing what Ellen is attempting. He threatens to kill one daughter – now! Ellen confronts Ryan hard, setting the two personalities against one another. They argue back and forth, fighting for dominance, the gun in hand.

60. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson on his phone. SWAT is almost there. Sorensen yells they’re out of time.

61. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen, in full psychiatric mode now, pushing hard. The two personalities yelling like two people in an argument. Ellen pushes William to stop Ryan, to save her daughters.

62. EXT. ABANDONED BUILDING – DAY

SWAT teams swarming toward the building.

63. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

CLIMAX: William pleads for Ellen to stop. Ellen tells him to look at her daughters. She tells him their names. Don’t let Ryan kill them. Ellen presses harder, the personalities go back and forth, William then Ryan until… The gun goes off!

Ellen jumps from her chair. Nothing. Silence. She stares at everything and nothing. Everyone holds their breathes. She hears SWAT kick the door. Lots of noise and confusion. The call drops. Ellen is unable to breathe. Moments hang like minutes.

Sorenson bursts in. Jason is dead. Her daughters are safe. Ellen collapses in Sorenson’s arms.

64. EXT. RADIO STATION – DAY

Press and photographers surround the station. Sorenson walks Ellen to a waiting car.

65. INT. CAR – DAY

The car pulls away from the station. Ellen looks back at Sorenson who’s watching her leave. She places her hand against the glass to wave goodbye.

66. EXT. RADIO STATION – DAY

Sorenson watches Ellen drive away. Camera flashes and questions assail him.

67. INT. POLICE STATION – DAY

Back at his desk, Sorenson receives a call from a physician. He tells Sorenson that Jason was being held for 10-day observation at his clinic under a different name and that he was only released that morning. How could he have planned the kidnapping while he was being held for observation?

Sorenson confirms the physician’s story and realizes there had to be someone else involved.

68. CUT TO BLACK

VOICE OVER: A morning talk show host is talking about Dr. Ellen.

69. EXT. CITYSCAPE – MORNING

VOICE OVER: The host discusses the aftermath of Ellen’s misery. The first caller tells the host he loves the show. It’s Ryan, who says, “I’m a long times listener. First time caller.”

[Matthew Frendo]

Hey Dana, would you like to exchange feedback? Mine’s on the page farther down than yours.

[Dana Abbott]

Matthew

I’d be glad to share critiques. I’ll print and review your outline asap.

Dana

[Matthew Frendo]

Hey Dana!

Overall, I liked this, but have some notes:

1) alot of this is dialogue based and it may be better to make more of it based on actions, if possible.

2) Did he kill the Uber driver the day before so he could pick up her husband as an Uber driver? From what I understand, Uber drivers are assigned randomly, so how did he get the call? And how did he know the husband would need a ride? He may have messed up the husband’s car, but that doesn’t guarantee he calls Uber? And is one of his personalities a tech genius who can disguise his phone that way? Don’t mean to harp on this scene, but it struck me as odd. Also, he could just be an Uber driver himself and not have to kill someone first.

3) All the names made it a bit confusing to read. I know he’s got multiple personalities though, so there may be no way around this.

4) I don’t really get the ending. It says Jason was locked up and it must have been someone else, but then it the last scene makes it look like it’s still him. I didn’t really understand what happened there.

Overall, good story! Reminds me a lot of SPLIT.

[Lisa Paris Long]

First Time Caller – Dana Abbott

I love how the script outline reads and is exciting throughout. The first section you posted from Concept to Plot Structure 9 points all make sense to me and is a clear story logic web. I can see how you developed the detective since the last time I read your outline…that is great! Your ability to pare down the scenes into 1 sentence is impressive to me because I struggle with that. Your setup/payoff chains and Action/Reactions are paced beautifully.

While the pace was quick, I got confused with the different personalities. Jason seems to be the good personality in scene 16, then in scene 20 you say, “Jason’s the violent personality”, and in scene 29 Jason can’t return, then in scene 37 Jason drags her husband while Ryan shoots him. Ryan is bad, but is Jason bad too?

I also had some confusion about Roger’s phone. In scene 19 – the caller is using Ellen’s husband’s phone. Then in scene 35 – the police find the husband’s phone at Uber driver’s house. But the caller is still on the phone with Ellen, so what phone is he using now?

In scene 45 – you say, “A terrible aspect appears in Ellen’s eyes”. I’m not sure what that means.

I had some confusion about Bobby, Jason, and William between scenes 49 and 51: Scene 49 – Ellen is talking to Bobby; Scene 51 – Suddenly, talking to Jason, not Bobby. And using Jason instead of Bobby to draw out William.

In the final scene 69, I don’t know if I’m missing something, but I’m not sure as to whether Ryan and Jason were two people? Or the same person? Am I supposed to wonder?

Finally, I know the point of this wasn’t to point out misspellings, but I found a few…my proofreader past is compelling me to let you know:

Concept: Missing “of” – “will kill one member her kidnapped family”

5. Mid-Point: personality is misspelled “personability”

Scene 5: Ellen should be “Ellen’s”

Scene 29: second sentence – “She keeps looking at the clock is ticking toward the next hour” Maybe

should be… keeps looking at the clock as it ticks toward the next hour.

Scene 31: “stilling” should be still.

I hope this helps you out. You have a very compelling story!

If you are so inspired, I would live you to critique my outline too…” Mary’s Christmas”.

Lisa Long

[Dev Ross]

Hi Dana,

Firstly, let me tell you that your outline had me riveted. Honestly, my stomach got to churning as you ratcheted up the stacks and then had a great twist at end. Bravo! I have just one note for now. You start off with Ellen already in her car with her tension mounting about getting to work on time. My suggestion would be to actually see her interacting at home with her husband and children. Is there unfinished business there with her husband or one or both of her kids? Was she curt with them when she should have been loving because she has to get to work? Bottomline, though I totally empathized with her plight in wanting to save her family, I needed to know more about her relationship with them. Did she leave home after an argument with her husband or one of her kids? Did she have some kind of disconnect that she left unfinished because she had to leave? As emotional as this ordeal was for her, I felt her connection to her family wasn’t defined enough. Sure, every parent (I hope) loves their family but every family also has tensions between members that need to be resolved. It could even come up that one of her kids questions her ability to help others since THEIR family is so messed up. In Diehard, Bruce Willis was estranged from his wife which added to his emotional arc as he physically tried to save her. So… I think that by establishing her relationship with her family in the beginning, the emotional stakes will rise even more and make an already riveting story that much better.

[Anita Gomez]

I posted my Essence Only Outline under the “Assignment 17” forum, and I request any and all feedback from anyone interested in doing so. Thank you!

PS – I neglected to mention my working title is ‘Life Choices’ if that makes it easier to reference.

-Anita

[Lisa Paris Long]

All Critiques are Welcome!

Lisa’s Outline – Version 1

“MARY’S CHRISTMAS”

1. List the following key components of your story:

A. Concept: When Santa is kidnapped by her ex-husband, a super mom must save him, her ex, and the It’s a Wonderful Life festival.
B. Plot Choice: Rescue
C. Character Structure: Rom-Com
D. Lead Characters (*Name* is an *identity* who *does X in the story*.):

1. Mary is the organizer of the town’s It’s a Wonderful Life festival, a volunteer firefighter, winery worker, and mom of two daughters who tries to do everything herself and never gives up.

2. Peter is Mary’s ex-husband and a decorated war veteran who is struggling as a snowmobile mechanic because there hasn’t been snow in over 3 years.

3. Joseph, the local winery/vineyard owner, is in love with Mary and he is trying to get her to commit to him.

E. Dramatic Question: Can Mary save Santa from the kidnappers and pull off the It’s a Wonderful Life festival at the same time?
F. Main Conflict: Mary must stop Santa’s kidnapper when she finds out it’s her ex-husband, Peter.
G. Dilemma: Mary must decide whether to try and save her ex-husband or just Santa and let it play out with law enforcement.
H. Theme: She is not alone who has friends…and family.
I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any): Mary must enlist the help of others even though she doesn’t like to ask for help. She goes from closed to opened.
J. Structure of your screenplay (9 beats, one sentence each):

Concept: When Santa is kidnapped by her ex-husband, a super mom must save him, her ex, and the It’s a Wonderful Life festival.

Opening: Mary has taken over the organizing of the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival from her mother. Her ex-husband and the father of her two daughters, Peter, is about to go to jail for not paying back taxes. He hasn’t worked steadily as the owner of a snowmobile shop in 3 years because it hasn’t snowed. The opening scene is Mary, as volunteer firefighter, saving Peter from jumping off the George Bailey bridge.

Inciting Incident: After seeing his daughters watching Santa on the NORAD tracking site, Peter gets the idea to kidnap Santa. He and his girlfriend, Tilly head to the north pole. Mary learns that someone has kidnapped Santa at the north pole and are heading for town and the IAWL festival.

By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Santa has been kidnapped by Peter at the same time the town gets ready for the IAWL festival. Government law enforcement officers are in pursuit of Peter and Tilly.

Turning point at end of Act 1: Mary can’t get ahold of her ex-husband to invite him to the house Christmas eve…the day before he is scheduled to go to jail.

Mid-Point: Mary starts to suspect that the kidnapped Santa and her husband have something to do with each other.

Turning point at end of Act 2: Mary knows that Peter is on a destructive path and thinks about what her life would be without him. She must help him.

Crisis: Mary reports Peter and Santa missing to the police who laugh at her. Mary turns to the townspeople to help her find Peter.

Climax: Peter wants Santa to tell him how he goes down the chimney. Santa refuses and tries to talk Peter out of further criminal behavior. Mary, dressed as Santa, trades places with the real Santa and thwarts the event.

Resolution: Santa vouches for Peter and tells the police to let him go. The town gives Peter the money from the festival to pay his debt and stay out of jail. Joseph agrees to foot the bill for next year’s festival. Peter and Tilly are at Mary’s on Christmas Day to see the girls. Mary finally decides she loves Joseph and agrees to marry him. They marry at the church and leave on a firetruck.

OUTLINE OF MARY’S CHRISTMAS

1. VOICEOVER-MARY

Mary explains that Seneca Falls was the inspiration for the movie It’s a Wonderful Life and each year they put on a festival to celebrate it. As she speaks, we see…

EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY.

VOICEOVER-MARY (Continues)

Mary talks about growing up in Seneca Falls and how her mother planned the first festival and all the subsequent ones until her death last year.

2. EXT. GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE – NIGHT

In their firetruck, Mary and her partner come across a man on the George Bailey bridge at night in the pouring rain. He jumps. Mary hates heights, but she jumps in and ends up saving him and then lays into him about what he was trying to do.

3. INT-KITCHEN-DAY

Mary’s kitchen is full of baked Christmas goodies for the it’s a Wonderful Life festival and she calls for Uncle Billy to come eat. Uncle Billy, a miniature dachshund, is sitting behind her with his head cocked and goes over to his bowl and eats.

4. INT-BEDROOM-DAY

Ruthie (Mary’s daughter) is in her bedroom looking at the NORAD site on her computer, and she yells downstairs to her mom that the computer is broken. Mary calls back for her to come on; she closes the computer and runs downstairs.

5. INT-KITCHEN-DAY

During breakfast, Mary is multitasking for the festival when Janie and Ruthie climb on Mary’s lap because they miss their grandma. Uncle Billy runs around barking and jumping on them (because he doesn’t like anyone touching Mary), they laugh.

6. INT-KITCHEN-DAY

As Peter enters the kitchen of the Ma Jenkins Boarding House, Ma orders her grandson to stand because a decorated war hero is entering the room.

7. INT-SUV-DAY

On the way to school, Mary nearly runs over Peter when he steps off the curb in front of the boarding house. Mary let’s Peter say hi to the girls who are looking on a phone at the NORAD site, and they show it to him.

8. EXT-HOUSE-DAY

Peter arrives with his toolbox at the porch of Mr. Reed and asks what he can do to help. Peter agrees to fix the boards on the porch.

9. INT-SENECA FALLS WINERY OFFICE-DAY

Mary works with her best friend Angel, and they discuss what happened at the courthouse with Peter. Joseph asks Mary out and she declines.

10. EXT-HOUSE-DAY

Peter rings the parsonage bell. The pastor Frank answers, and they walk over to the church where Peter agrees to clean the pews.

11. EXT-OUTSIDE OFFICE-DAY

Joe expresses his love for Mary. Mary squirms, but accepts a raise when Joseph offers it.

12. INT-COURTROOM-DAY

Peter is facing tough times because there hasn’t been any snow and he’s a snowmobile repair man. Judge Campbell will send him to jail on Christmas day if he doesn’t produce the money for his back taxes.

13. INT-COURTROOM HALLWAY-DAY

Mary sees Peter and his girlfriend, Tilly arguing about Peter’s idea to kidnap Santa, but Mary can’t hear them. Tilly storms off and Mary approaches Peter to discuss their girls and Christmas.

14. EXT-HOUSE-DAY

Peter arrives at Mrs. Thomas’s and begins mowing the lawn. She comes out on the porch to give him some iced tea.

15. INT-WINERY OFFICE-DAY

Mary tells Angel that she’s not going to play “Mary Bailey” this year. She says she will push for Angel to play her.

16. INT-MARTINI’S BAR-DAY

Peter enters and sits next to Bert (Peter’s older brother) at the bar. Peter gets teary eyed about going to jail and his daughters as Bert tries to give him a pep talk.

17. EXT-MAIN STREET-NIGHT

Main street is all lit up with lights and decorations. A sign reads ‘Wonderful Life Meeting Tonight at the Community Center – All Are Welcome!’

18. EXT-NORTH POLE-DAY

Peter and Tilly kidnap Santa on snowmobiles as elves and Mrs. Claus yell after them.

19. INT-CONTROL ROOM-DAY

At NORAD HQ, Santa starts to move on the giant screen, but it’s too early. Dash and Don are assigned to find Santa.

20. EXT-FOREST US BORDER-DAY

Snow is starting to thin as Peter and Tilly continue by foot with blindfolded Santa in tow.

21. EXT-CANADIAN ROAD-DAY

Dash and Don are trying to track Santa’s signal.

22. INT-COMMUNITY CENTER-NIGHT

Mary and Angel discuss how good Joseph is with the girls, then Joseph tries to give Mary her Christmas present early, but she won’t take it. Introduction of other townspeople including Harry, Mary’s father, Ernie, Tilly’s boyfriend, and Mayor Partridge.

23. EXT-TRAIN TRACKS-NIGHT

Peter, Tilly, and Santa run alongside a slow-moving freight train. They get into the train car, and it starts to go faster.

24. EXT-CANADIAN ROAD-NIGHT

Dash and Don track the Santa signal and realize they are moving faster than snowmobiles. They can’t figure out where they are headed at first.

25. INT-LIVING ROOM-DAY

Ruthie tells Mary something is wrong with the laptop because it’s not following Santa. Mary looks at the site and says it’s just a temporary issue.

26. INT-KITCHEN-DAY

Mary tells Angel that her saving Peter from drowning ruined their relationship and caused the divorce. Angel asks why not move on with Joseph.

27. EXT-TRAIN TRACKS-DAY

Peter, Tilly, and Santa run into the woods.

28. INT-CAR-DAY

Dash and Don are still in Canada and realize the signal has stopped in New York. Border guards stop them and laugh that they are chasing Santa.

29. EXT-MAIN STREET-DAY

Main Street is full of people there for the festival. Vignettes of different townspeople working their jobs during the festival.

30. EXT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

On the outskirts of town, Peter unlocks the door of the shop and he, Tilly, and Santa go inside.

31. INT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter finds a tracking device on Santa and interrogates him on how he gets down the chimneys. Santa won’t say.

32. EXT-FRONT YARD-DAY

Ruthie and Janie are playing in the yard in the snow. Uncle Billy is running around barking at them. Joe and Mary are watching from the front window.

33. INT-HOUSE-DAY

Mary and Joe argue over moving their relationship forward. Joe leaves. Uncle Billy comes in and Mary rubs him with a towel as he licks her face.

34. EXT-MAIN STREET-DAY

Dash and Don enter Seneca Falls and they ask Ernie if he’s seen a Santa. Ernie nods as Dash & Don turn around to see a sea of Santa’s running in the Santa 5k.

35. EXT-MAIN STREET-DAY

At the theater, Angel calls Mary’s cell and tells her to get to the community center now. Mary has Janie and Ruthie with her, and they all leave for the center.

36. INT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter and Tilly discuss that they didn’t think everything out…like how to get Santa back to the North Pole. Tilly quits and leaves the shop.

37. INT-COMMUNITY CENTER-DAY

The town Santa is sick, and Mary puts on the Santa suit because Angel has the radio show to do. Mary leaves Janie and Ruthie at the community center where Joseph will pick them up for the parade.

38. EXT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter dressed as Santa too, leaves the shop with Santa and they head towards town. Mary drives up to the shop looking for Peter, but he’s not there.

39. EXT-MAIN STREET-DUSK

Dash and Don run alongside the running Santa’s in the 5k trying to spot the “real” Santa. At the same time. Peter and Santa use the running Santa’s as a shield to get to the houses at the other end of town.

40. EXT-COMMUNITY CENTER-DUSK

As Joseph is on his way to pick up the girls at the community center, he notices smoke coming out of the roof. He calls 911 and enters the building.

41. INT-COMMUNITY CENTER-DUSK

Joseph comes out of the burning building with the girls in tow. Others are running out too.

42. EXT-COMMUNITY CENTER-DUSK

Mary runs through the crowd in her Santa suit and goes inside. After the fire is out, she checks on the girls and then runs off talking on her festival walkie talky.

43. INT-POLICE STATION-DUSK

Mary has told the police that Peter and Santa are missing. The police laugh at her. She explains he might do something terrible and leaves in frustration

44. EXT-RESIDENTIAL STREET-DUSK

Neighborhood of houses lit for Christmas, but everyone is in town. Peter and the real Santa come out of the woods and move toward the back of a house where Peter has hidden a ladder.

45. EXT-SIDE STREET-NIGHT

Mary gets on the firetruck to play Santa as Tilly runs up and tells Mary what Peter has done and where they are headed. Mary jumps off the truck and runs toward the house.

46. EXT-MAIN STREET-NIGHT

Tilly finds Angel and Joe who are marching in the parade as Mary and George Bailey and tells them what’s happening with Mary and Peter. Joseph takes off and Angel stays with Janie and Ruthie who are in the parade as Bailey children.

47. EXT-LIBRARY-NIGHT

Dash and Don spot a Santa far away running toward a neighborhood and they take off after the Santa (Mary).

48. EXT-HOUSE-NIGHT

Mary sneaks up behind Santa and trades places with him as Peter struggles with the ladder. Mary is still afraid of heights, but she gets on the roof anyway. Mary and Peter argue.

49. EXT-PARADE-NIGHT

The real Santa has taken Mary’s place on the firetruck and is waving to the children yelling Ho, Ho, Ho!

50. EXT-HOUSE-NIGHT

Peter tries to force Santa (Mary) down the chimney, and they struggle while Dash & Don point their guns at Peter. Mary stops them from shooting him then falls off the roof where Joseph catches her, and they fall in the snow.

51. EXT-YARD-NIGHT

The real Santa comes running and convinces Dash & Don to let Peter go.

52. INT-COURTROOM-CHRISTMAS EVE DAY

Peter turns himself in for the tax charges. Ma Jenkins, Bert, Mr. Reed, Pastor Frank, Mrs. Thomas each vouches for Peter, as the town pays his back taxes with the festival money. They found a sponsor to pay for next year’s festival.

53. INT-HOUSE-CHRISTMAS EVE

Ruthie, Janie, Uncle Billy, Peter, and Tilly are celebrating with the girls by watching IAWL on tv.

54. EXT-PORCH-CHRISTMAS EVE

Joseph asks Mary to marry him, and Mary accepts because she knows Joseph volunteered to sponsor next year’s festival. And as they kiss Uncle Billy barks and tries to get between their feet.

55. INT-CHURCH-CHRISTMAS DAY DUSK

The congregation sings “Hark the Harold Angels Sing” with candles lit as Joseph and Mary walk down the aisle. Uncle Billy carries the ring around his neck.

56. EXT-CHURCH-CHRISTMAS DAY DUSK

Mary and Joseph come out of the church into the snow and get on top of a firetruck with the lights on and Just Married on the back. They drive off.

57. EXT-SENECA FALLS-NIGHT

SHOTS OF TOWN LIT FOR CHRISTMAS

58. VOICEOVER-MARY

Mary explains that “She is not alone who has friends…and family.”

[Dana Abbott]

Hi, Lisa

I appreciate your thoughts about my outline. You’re right, I need to be careful with Jason and how his personalities interact with Ellen. Jason is the sick patient who cannot cope with life and reality, which is why the other personalities exist. I need to better define Jason during the setup to understand why he flips back and forth.

The William and Ryan battle is also going to be tricky, given that Ryan turns out to be a separate person. Ryan is the true villain playing a sick game with Ellen, kidnapping her family and Jason to put the blame on her old patient. I’ll run through the outline one more time scene by scene and back to front.

Mary Christmas Outline – Version 1

Loved your concept. And the outline is good. It moves fast, the scenes are well defined, the character arcs and interactions create good Setup/Payoffs. I only have a few questions.

I assume in the “Mary Christmas” world that Santa is a real person, and everyone knows he exists. Otherwise, how could Peter and Tilly plot kidnap him.

But why does Santa cooperate with Peter? He seems to run with Peter and Tilly freely. Is Peter using something to hold Santa hostage? I read the script several times, but I couldn’t figure that out. Why Santa stays with Peter may need to be clarified.

Scene 2 – George Bailey Bridge

Does Mary save Peter after he jumps off the bridge? Or is this a random person to demonstrate Mary’s character? Rescuing someone even though she is afraid of heights.

The reason I ask is in Scene 26, Mary talks about saving Peter from drowning.

If Mary does rescue Peter, you might need to show some consequences for him. As a member of fire and rescue, she would have to report the incident. Or maybe she and her partner agree not to report him if he agrees to counseling.

Scene 12 – Courthouse

You have Peter threatened with jail if he doesn’t pay back taxes. But not being able to pay taxes isn’t a crime. Peter would go to tax or bankruptcy court to arrange a financial settlement. Bankruptcy, asset forfeiture, deferred taxes, a payment schedule. Unless Peter cheats or deliberately avoids paying his taxes, a court wouldn’t send him to jail.

The loss of money usually causes people to act out of desperation, and Peter’s financial losses could be enough to push him over the edge and kidnap Santa.

Scene 13 – Courtroom Hallway

Peter and Tilly argue over his idea to kidnap Santa. But how would kidnapping Santa fix his financial situation? What’s the plan? This is Peter’s character motivation, but I don’t understand its purpose.

I think you have a great idea here. I really hope it gets produced. It’s one of those movies that could play every Christmas.

Thanks again for your help,

Dana

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Dana,

This is exactly what I was missing: “Ryan is the true villain playing a sick game with Ellen, kidnapping her family and Jason to put the blame on her old patient.” Now I understand it. Just an idea: maybe you should add this to your concept?

<font face=”inherit” style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Thank you so much for your feedback!! You have touched on things I held back </font>on,<font face=”inherit” style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”> or I have struggled with figuring out.</font>

<font face=”inherit”>1. I thought Santa was a “willing suspension of disbelief” character. I don’t know if you’re familiar with that </font>term.<font face=”inherit”> I think Hal used it once. I learned it by working in theater. </font>Anyway, I need to work on the relationship between Santa and Peter…maybe add a back story.

<font face=”inherit”>2. Santa cooperates because Peter pretends to have a gun and Santa is NICE.</font>

3. The bridge is a setup/payoff. Peter jumps off the bridge, but the audience doesn’t know that it was Peter until scene 26 when Mary talks about it. Mary faces her fears…one is heights…she pushes herself. It is her character.

4. The back taxes were originally child support due, but Cheryl thought it would be too upsetting for audiences. So, I’ve been struggling to figure something else out. Maybe being financially ruined and losing his business is enough. AND it plays back to It’s a Wonderful Life…breakthrough!

5. Peter’s plan with Santa is to have him go down the chimneys and steal the gifts under the trees. Peter already has a guy to fence the goods and give him the money.

I can’t thank you enough because you made me rethink things in a new way and that is invaluable!

[Lisa Paris Long]

Lisa’s Outline – VERSION 2

OUTLINE OF MARY’S CHRISTMAS

1. VOICEOVER-MARY

Mary explains that Seneca Falls was the inspiration for the movie It’s a Wonderful Life and each year they put on a festival to celebrate it. As she speaks, we see…

EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY.

VOICEOVER-MARY (Continues)

Mary talks about growing up in Seneca Falls and how her mother planned the first festival and all the subsequent ones until her death last year. And that she has always been an overachiever.

Mary tells of her ex-husband Peter’s journey working for NORAD before he went to war and their big secret. That Santa is real!

2. EXT. GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE – NIGHT

In their firetruck, Mary and her partner come across a man on the George Bailey bridge at night in the pouring rain. Mary hates heights. She is tied to the firetruck as she grabs the man, and they go over the edge. As they are hanging from the bridge, Mary lays into the man about what he was trying to do. Her partner pulls them up.

3. INT-KITCHEN-DAY

Mary’s kitchen is full of baked Christmas goodies for the it’s a Wonderful Life festival and she calls for Uncle Billy to come eat. Uncle Billy, a miniature dachshund, is sitting behind her with his head cocked and goes over to his bowl and eats.

4. INT-BEDROOM-DAY

Ruthie (Mary’s daughter) is in her bedroom looking at the NORAD site on her computer, and she yells downstairs to her mom that the computer is broken. Mary calls back for her to come on; she closes the computer and runs downstairs.

5. INT-KITCHEN-DAY

During breakfast, Mary is multitasking for the festival when Janie and Ruthie climb on Mary’s lap because they miss their grandma. Uncle Billy runs around barking and jumping on them (because he doesn’t like anyone touching Mary), they laugh.

6. INT-KITCHEN-DAY

As Peter enters the kitchen of the Ma Jenkins Boarding House. Ma gives Peter his mail including one red envelope; the final notice to pay his mortgage or lose his snowmobile shop. He has until Christmas Day to pay. It hasn’t snowed for 3 years.

7. INT-SUV-DAY

On the way to school, Mary nearly runs over Peter when he is preoccupied and steps off the curb in front of the boarding house. Mary let’s Peter say hi to the girls who are looking on a phone at the NORAD site, and they show it to him.

8. EXT-HOUSE-DAY

Peter arrives with his toolbox at the porch of Mr. Reed and asks what he can do to help. Peter agrees to fix the boards on the porch.

9. INT-SENECA FALLS WINERY OFFICE-DAY

Mary works with her best friend Angel, and they discuss what’s happening with Peter. Joseph asks Mary out and she declines.

10. EXT-HOUSE-DAY

Peter rings the parsonage bell. The pastor Frank answers, and they walk over to the church where Peter agrees to clean the pews.

11. EXT-OUTSIDE OFFICE-DAY

Joe expresses his love for Mary. Mary squirms, but accepts a raise when Joseph offers it.

12. INT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter tells Tilly he has a plan to kidnap Santa, get Santa to steal gifts from houses and his friend, Sower will fence them for the money. Tilly laughs…Santa! Peter explains that he worked at NORAD and knows Santa is real. Tilly scoffs and accuses him of being cray cray.

13. INT-WINERY OFFICE-DAY

Mary tells Angel that she’s not going to play “Mary Bailey” this year. She says she will push for Angel to play her.

14. EXT-HOUSE-DAY

Peter arrives at Mrs. Thomas’s and begins mowing the lawn. She comes out on the porch to give him some iced tea.

15. EXT-MAIN STREET-NIGHT

Main street is all lit up with lights and decorations. A sign reads ‘Wonderful Life Meeting Tonight at the Community Center – All Are Welcome!’

16. INT-COMMUNITY CENTER-EVENING

Mary and Angel discuss how good Joseph is with the girls, then Joseph tries to give Mary her Christmas present early, but she won’t take it. Introduction of other townspeople including Harry, Mary’s father, Ernie, Anna’s boyfriend, and Mayor Partridge.

17. INT-MARTINI’S BAR-NIGHT

Peter enters and sits next to Bert (Peter’s older brother) at the bar. Peter gets teary eyed about losing everything and his daughters. Bert asks Peter if he’s taking his meds and if he’s still in PTSD therapist. Peter doesn’t answer.

18. INT-KITCHEN-DAY

Mary tells Angel that her saving Peter from drowning ruined their relationship and caused the divorce. Angel asks why not move on with Joseph.

19. EXT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter is loading up a truck with a snowmobile and supplies. Tilly says she still thinks he’s crazy, but she can’t let him go alone.

20. INT-FIREHOUSE-DAY

Mary leads a review of where the firetrucks are going to be positioned prior to the parade for the other volunteer firefighters. The Firetrucks end the parade with Santa on top of the last one.

21. EXT-NORTH POLE-DAY

Peter pretends to have a gun. Peter and Tilly kidnap Santa on snowmobiles as elves and Mrs. Claus yell after them.

22. INT-CONTROL ROOM-DAY

At NORAD HQ, Santa starts to move on the giant screen, but it’s too early. Dash and Don are assigned to find Santa.

23. EXT-FOREST US BORDER-DAY

Snow is starting to thin as Peter and Tilly continue by foot with blindfolded Santa in tow. They stop and transfer to the truck. Peter removes Santa’s blindfold. Santa recognizes Peter as an agent he worked with years ago.

24. EXT-CANADIAN ROAD-DAY

Dash and Don are trying to track Santa’s signal.

25. EXT-TRAIN TRACKS-NIGHT

Peter, Tilly, and Santa run alongside a slow-moving freight train. They get into the train car, and it starts to go faster.

26. EXT-CANADIAN ROAD-NIGHT

Dash and Don track the Santa signal and realize they are moving faster than snowmobiles. They can’t figure out where they are headed at first.

27. INT-LIVING ROOM-DAY

Ruthie tells Mary something is wrong with the laptop because it’s not following Santa. Mary looks at the site and says it’s just a temporary issue.

28. INT-TRAIN-DAY

Santa asks Peter why he’s doing this. Santa tries to convince Peter to let him go. Peter threatens to expose him to the world if he leaves.

29. INT-CAR-DAY

Dash and Don are still in Canada and realize the signal has stopped in New York. Border guards stop them and laugh that they are chasing Santa.

30. EXT-TRAIN TRACKS-DAY

Peter, Tilly, and Santa run into the woods.

31. EXT-MAIN STREET-DAY

Main Street is full of people there for the festival. Vignettes of different townspeople working their jobs during the festival.

32. EXT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

On the outskirts of town, Peter unlocks the door of the shop and he, Tilly, and Santa go inside.

33. INT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter finds a tracking device on Santa and interrogates him on how he gets down the chimneys. Santa won’t say.

34. EXT-FRONT YARD-DAY

Ruthie and Janie are playing in the yard in the snow. Uncle Billy is running around barking at them. Joe and Mary are watching from the front window.

35. INT-HOUSE-DAY

Mary and Joe argue over moving their relationship forward. Joe leaves. Uncle Billy comes in and Mary rubs him with a towel as he licks her face.

36. EXT-MAIN STREET-DAY

Dash and Don enter Seneca Falls and they ask Ernie if he’s seen a Santa. Ernie nods as Dash & Don turn around to see a sea of Santa’s running in the Santa 5k.

37. EXT-MAIN STREET-DAY

At the theater, Angel calls Mary’s cell and tells her to get to the community center now. Mary has Janie and Ruthie with her, and they all leave for the center.

38. INT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter and Tilly discuss that they didn’t think everything out…like how to get Santa back to the North Pole. Peter tells Tilly they will let Santa go as soon as he gets what he needs. Tilly quits and leaves the shop.

39. INT-COMMUNITY CENTER-DAY

The town Santa is sick, and Mary puts on the Santa suit because Angel has the radio show to do. Mary leaves Janie and Ruthie at the community center where Joseph will pick them up for the parade.

40. EXT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter dressed as Santa too, leaves the shop with Santa and they head towards town. Mary drives up to the shop looking for Peter, but he’s not there.

41. EXT-MAIN STREET-DUSK

Dash and Don run alongside the running Santa’s in the 5k trying to spot the “real” Santa. At the same time. Peter and Santa use the running Santa’s as a shield to get to the houses at the other end of town.

42. EXT-COMMUNITY CENTER-DUSK

As Joseph (dressed as George Bailey) is on his way to pick up the girls at the community center, he notices smoke coming out of the roof. He calls 911 and enters the building.

43. INT-COMMUNITY CENTER-DUSK

Joseph comes out of the burning building with the girls in tow. Others are running out too.

44. EXT-COMMUNITY CENTER-DUSK

Mary runs through the crowd in her Santa suit and goes inside. After the fire is out, she checks on the girls. Then runs off talking on her festival walkie talky to move the community center events to the Women’s Right’s Museum.

45. INT-POLICE STATION-DUSK

Mary has told the police that Peter and Santa are missing. The police laugh at her. She explains he might do something terrible and leaves in frustration.

46. EXT-RESIDENTIAL STREET-DUSK

Neighborhood of houses lit for Christmas, but everyone is in town. Peter and the real Santa come out of the woods and move toward the back of a house where Peter has hidden a ladder.

47. EXT-SIDE STREET-NIGHT

Mary gets on the firetruck to play Santa as Tilly runs up and tells Mary what Peter has done and where they are headed. Mary jumps off the truck and runs toward the house.

48. EXT-MAIN STREET-NIGHT

Tilly finds Angel and Joe who are marching in the parade as Mary and George Bailey and tells them what’s happening with Mary and Peter. Joseph takes off and Angel stays with Janie and Ruthie who are in the parade as Bailey children.

49. EXT-LIBRARY-NIGHT

Dash and Don spot a Santa far away running toward a neighborhood and they take off after the Santa (Mary).

50. EXT-HOUSE-NIGHT

Mary sneaks up behind Santa and trades places with him as Peter struggles with the ladder. Mary is still afraid of heights, but she gets on the roof anyway…scooting along the roofline. Mary and Peter argue.

51. EXT-PARADE-NIGHT

The real Santa has taken Mary’s place on the firetruck and is waving to the children yelling Ho, Ho, Ho!

52. EXT-HOUSE-NIGHT

Peter tries to force Santa (Mary) down the chimney, and they struggle while Dash & Don point their guns at Peter. Mary stops them from shooting him then falls off the roof where Joseph catches her, and they fall in the snow.

53. EXT-YARD-NIGHT

The real Santa comes running and convinces Dash & Don to let Peter go. Dash & Don take Peter into custody anyway to find out what happened for their report.

54. INT-COURTHOUSE-CHRISTMAS EVE DAY

Dash & Don release Peter. Ma Jenkins, Bert, Mr. Reed, Pastor Frank, Mrs. Thomas and all the townspeople show up on the steps for Peter, they have paid his mortgage with the festival money. They found a sponsor to pay for next year’s festival.

55. INT-HOUSE-CHRISTMAS EVE

Ruthie, Janie, Uncle Billy, Peter, and Tilly are celebrating with the girls by watching IAWL on tv.

56. EXT-MARY’S PORCH-CHRISTMAS EVE

Joseph asks Mary to marry him, and Mary accepts because she knows Joseph volunteered to sponsor next year’s festival. And as they kiss Uncle Billy barks and tries to get between their feet.

57. INT-CHURCH-CHRISTMAS DAY DUSK

The congregation sings “Hark the Harold Angels Sing” with candles lit as Joseph and Mary walk down the aisle. Uncle Billy carries the ring around his neck.

58. EXT-CHURCH-CHRISTMAS DAY DUSK

Mary and Joseph come out of the church into the snow and get on top of a firetruck with the lights on and Just Married on the back. They drive off.

59. EXT-SENECA FALLS-NIGHT

SHOTS OF TOWN LIT FOR CHRISTMAS

60. VOICEOVER-MARY

Mary explains that “No one is alone who has friends…and family.”

[Matthew Frendo]

Matthew Frendo’s Outline Version 1

A. Concept: What if the judicial system was switched to social media voting, with those found guilty having to go through livestreamed battles and deadly challenges as people at home vote on their punishment?

B. Plot Choice: Ascension
C. Character Structure: Dramatic Triangle
D. Lead Characters (*Name* is an *identity* who *does X in the story*.):

Alicia is a hardened criminal who doesn’t care about anyone…until she meets young rebel named Jocelyn in the games.

Jocelyn is a young girl who put herself in the games to help the rebels beat the authority after they destroyed her mother.

Nick is a criminal in the games who works with Alicia…but is secretly there to make sure Jocelyn dies in a way that helps the rebel cause.

E. Dramatic Question: Will the rebels be able to topple the authority and change the system?

F. Main Conflict: Can Alicia and her fellow prisoners make it through the punishment games and survive?

G. Dilemma: Will Alicia escape with her own life or fulfill her promise to Jocelyn and help the rebels?
H. Theme: To be the hero you truly are, you must sacrifice what you used to be.

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any):

Part to be changed: Alicia is a hardened criminal who cares about no one and nothing.

Biggest fear: not being able to save her loved ones.

Completion of arc: puts others above herself as she fulfills a promise and helps the rebels at the expense of her own personal safety

J. Structure of your screenplay (9 beats, one sentence each):

1. Opening Host gives intro into the event and the people who were chosen, including a girl named Alicia.
2. Inciting Incident. The prisoners’ loved ones are kept in a cage with a bomb…and if they don’t go through the challenges quickly enough, the bomb goes off.
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. First person dies horribly in event after losing their challenge, setting things in motion.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1 They are all is pulled into fake room off camera and find out Jocelyn is there as part of a resistance. They can’t tell anyone or the authorities will kill them all, so now they almost have to help her.
5. Mid-Point Young innocent Jocelyn is killed in the contest unfairly…and Sam makes sure the audience sees it in horrifying detail. It starts a riot in the streets.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2. Rebels take down games and transmission altogether by wiping out power in whole city. Chaos begins as the revolution is now underway.
7. Crisis. Alicia has a choice: she can help the rebels (and save Jocelyn’s mother like she promised) or escape with her own life.
8. Climax Alicia finds the people who put here there and rebel leaders who let Jocelyn die making a deal in the first challenge room. She walks in. They offer her a great life to join them and keep quiet. They want to make her a hero that everyone will love and their mascot-type. She shows them that the cameras are on, and the world is watching. Then she locks them in the first punishment room and social media starts voting on what they will go through.
9. Resolution She leaves the challenges a hero to the people.

ESSENCE OUTLINE

TITLE: THE PRISONER LOTTERY

GENRE: ACTION

EXT. STREETS – DAY

We see the streets, with most being poor, who are drinking sorrowfully for the prisoners. The rich live quite differently, in huge penthouses while they celebrate the games. As the opening theme plays–

INT. OPENING SET – DAY

The host is picking the “lottery” winner convicts who will be in the games this time around. The third person they pick walks up to the front nervously, then detonates a bomb for the rebellion, killing most people.

INT. NEW OPENING SET – DAY

At their new set, they act like the old event didn’t take place, except for the fact that the prisoners who were picked were the only ones who survived the event and they look beat to hell. Group includes hardened criminal Alicia, rough looking Nick, ex-cop Stan, gangbanger Cigarette, sarcastic and bitter Becky, Nick’s buddy Tweaker, young and innocent Jocelyn and an asshole named Scum.

INTROS

They give intros for each character. Find out Stan killed Cig’s brother on the streets before going away for it. They also show Alicia to be a girl who killed her high-ranking government official father when she was 14 after her sister died, causing her mom to go crazy.

HALLWAY TO FIRST ROOM

They make a deal in the hall to not fight each other or do this. Then they walk in the first room.

MONTAGE OF SOCIAL MEDIA USERS

Social media users vote on their punishments, loving it. Some gamble on it.

INT. FIRST ROOM – DAY

In the first room, they tell them they won’t fight. Then they are shown their closest relatives in a room with a bomb…and find out if at least one of them doesn’t make it out of the games in 90 minutes, the bomb will explode. Alicia is the only one without someone, as she has no family. Then the game starts. They can’t work together and end up getting hurt, with Scum dying horribly.

INT. SECOND ROOM – DAY

They decide to work together to survive and to make social media voters be easy on them. Alicia reluctantly saves Jocelyn’s life.

EXT. STREETS – DAY

Citizens discuss how screwed up the games are, then look up and see how the rich have decorated their buildings to celebrate this parade of death.

INT. HALLWAY TO THIRD ROOM – DAY

As they are on their way, an explosion rocks the building. They are thrown all over the place and the cameras go off, as people come in and grab them in the darkness.

INT. HIDDEN ROOM – DAY

The people grabbing them end up being rebel leaders, who tell them that this is all part of the plan to end the authority. Jocelyn is their girl on the inside who will break transmission to give them the airwaves they need to reach the masses.

OLD BROADCAST

During this time, the authority plays a video of an old winner, who thanks the authority and social media voters for making him go through hell, saying it helped him learn and grow. He seems happy.

INT. HALLWAY TO THIRD ROOM – DAY

The prisoners get ready again and discuss what happened. Alicia starts to see her sister in the idealistic Jocelyn, while Nick reminds her about the violence the rebels have caused. Stan wants to go to the authority and hope it gets them released, but is outvoted.

INT. THIRD ROOM – DAY

They work together to get through the room. Cigarette almost kills Stan over his brother, but the others pull their guns, knowing they’ll need Stan to survive.

INT. FOURTH ROOM – DAY

This room is worse than before. Jocelyn is about to die and when Alicia tries to save her, Nick pulls her back, saving her life. It looks like Jocelyn’s done for before Becky comes out, happier than ever, and fights to the death to save Jocelyn.

INT. LUNCH ROOM – DAY

They are given a fantastic lunch. Jocelyn and Alicia talk, with Alicia seeing more and more of her sister in Jocelyn, mostly because they are both idealistic. Alicia doesn’t have ideals anymore.

INT. FIFTH ROOM – DAY

They are only one room before the transmission room, when Jocelyn is killed horribly. Alicia barely survives trying to save her, and Cig saves Stan but Stan doesn’t understand why. The audience and group are all shocked over the death of young Jocelyn. Alicia promises Jocelyn she will complete her mission and save her mother.

EXT. CITY STREETS – EVENING

A group of people are watching the show in the window of a shop. We see they are all in near-apocalypse environment, with rich towers blockaded behind them. A pissed off man throws his bottle at the store window and things start going off, turning into a riot.

INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT

They are all at a loss and Stan tries to apologize to Cig about his brother, talking about the situation that led to it. Cig won’t forgive him.

INT. SIXTH ROOM – NIGHT

Alicia and Nick make a deal to just escape together and use his contacts to disappear. But right before they win, Alicia goes to finish Jocelyn’s mission and break transmission, while Tweaker helps from the other room.

INT. OTHER ROOM – NIGHT

Nick kills Tweaker and we find out Nick’s with the rebels.

INT. SIXTH ROOM – NIGHT

The room starts collapsing as Alicia tries to finish. Stan sacrifices himself for Cig as a way to say he’s sorry. Alicia is about to be ended, when all power goes out suddenly.

INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT

The convicts don’t know what’s happened. Alicia asks about Tweaker, but before Nick can answer, they hear noise from outside.

EXT. STREETS – NIGHT

A full-blown riot is taking place, with people taking down the rich barricades.

INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT

Nick is readying them to get out, but Alicia is torn between escape and her promise to Jocelyn. While they are there, the old hero of the show comes out of hiding, scared. Turns out he’s a sad drunk who regrets what he did in the games and he kills himself in front of them.

BOOM!!!!

Before they can do anything, the wall to their right explodes, killing Cig. A ship is there for Nick. He explains he’s with the rebels and they had Jocelyn die on purpose knowing it would cause a violent uprising. He wants her to go, but she’s unsure of him now. He tries to grab her, so she kills him.

INT. OTHER PART OF HALLWAY – NIGHT

Alicia goes to save Jocelyn’s mother. And she’s running out of time.

INT. BOMB ROOM / OUTSIDE HALLWAY – NIGHT

Alicia is about to get into the room, with a couple of minutes to go, when it explodes early, killing everyone inside. Alicia is badly hurt and almost passes out before a group of hands grab her.

INT. SIDE ROOM – NIGHT

Jocelyn’s friends wake Alicia up and tell her the authority blew the room early. They know where the authority is because they are meeting their rebel leaders. Alicia makes them give her the location…which is the first room of the games.

INT. FIRST ROOM – NIGHT

Rebels meet authority…and start to make a deal giving themselves power and screwing over everyone else. Alicia walks in during negotiations and they offer her a deal to be part of them. But their happiness fades, when they find out she has brought the transmission up…and their whole deal was broadcast to the world. She then locks both the authority and rebels in the room and social media voters decide on their punishment, making them go through the same hell they made others go through.

EXT. GAMES – MORNING

Alicia walks out of the games to a cheering mob and finds she’s a hero now.

[Michael Katz]

Hi Matthew,

You’ve got a nice timely dystopian concept!

Here are the first half of my notes.

Matthew Frendo’s Outline Version 1

A. Concept: What if the judicial system was switched to social media voting, with those found guilty having to go through livestreamed battles and deadly challenges as people at home vote on their punishment?

———

As written it feels more like a premise, rather than a concept that describes the movie

Perhaps go back to the concept day and further elevate it

Would add some context up top

Use more phrasing that we are familiar with to describe the issue

We need the characters, the goal, and a hook

Just playing: It’s the year 2050, and our judicial system now determines sentences for guilty criminals by social media voting, however, the live-streamed battles and deadly challenges as voted on by viewers at home has become increasingly unfair and merciless because of corruption within the governing body, and a movement begins to bring about criminal justice reform…from the inside.

——

B. Plot Choice: Ascension – give us a sentence explaining

—— heroes sort of ascend into greatness but really for this kind of brutal story…16. Sacrifice in is order, it’s a cause worthy of sacrifice, wouldn’t overthink it

C. Character Structure: Dramatic Triangle – give us a sentence explaining

D. Lead Characters (*Name* is an *identity* who *does X in the story*.):

Alicia is a hardened criminal who doesn’t care about anyone…until she meets young rebel named Jocelyn in the games.

—— gives us her crime, tells us a lot about the person, need an age

Jocelyn is a young girl who put herself in the games to help the rebels beat the authority after they destroyed her mother.

—— seeking revenge

—— confusing what “destroyed” means, need a more fitting word, need an age

—— using rebels and authority feels weird if we are talking the United States, even if in the future

Nick is a criminal in the games who works with Alicia…but is secretly there to make sure Jocelyn dies in a way that helps the rebel cause.

—— his motivation is confusing, he’s a plant/spy? say who he is working for, is he just doing this to make his sentence more lenient? then finally he is swayed to join the cause? (I’m guessing not having read further)

E. Dramatic Question: Will the rebels be able to topple the authority and change the system?

—— does using rebels and authority fit your vision more than using phrasing like overthrow the government and achieve criminal justice reform?

F. Main Conflict: Can Alicia and her fellow prisoners make it through the punishment games and survive?

—— not sure saying prisoners is incorrect, but maybe they are more her fellow prison inmates?

G. Dilemma: Will Alicia escape with her own life or fulfill her promise to Jocelyn and help the rebels?

— to help the rebels

H. Theme: To be the hero you truly are, you must sacrifice what you used to be.

—— yes, sacrifice!, not ascension

—— being a hero is not the goal, criminal just reform is the goal, so the theme is not that you have to sacrifice to be a hero, it’s that you have to sacrifice to achieve your goal, no? some causes are worth dying for

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any):

Part to be changed: Alicia is a hardened criminal who cares about no one and nothing.

—— she better not start caring about Jocelyn and the cause too fast then, incremental

Biggest fear: not being able to save her loved ones

—— does she have this fear in the beginning? I thought she was hardened?

Completion of arc: puts others above herself as she fulfills a promise and helps the rebels at the expense of her own personal safety

—— yes, but say it more cleanly

J. Structure of your screenplay (9 beats, one sentence each):

1. Opening Host gives intro into the event and the people who were chosen, including a girl named Alicia.

—— your 1 sentence should still give us some setup and context details, what kind of event?, say who the people are

2. Inciting Incident. The prisoners’ loved ones are kept in a cage with a bomb…and if they don’t go through the challenges quickly enough, the bomb goes off.

—— oof brutal

—— but you have to say what is happening to Alicia

—— instead of saying “if”, try “because” – instead of just giving us the scenario, tell us the plot, what happens

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. First person dies horribly in event after losing their challenge, setting things in motion.

—— Alicia survives, however she is horrified/unnerved/shocked that one of her fellow inmates…

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 They are all is pulled into fake room off camera and find out Jocelyn is there as part of a resistance. They can’t tell anyone or the authorities will kill them all, so now they almost have to help her.

—— confusing, fake room? who put them there/why, Jocelyn reveals

5. Mid-Point Young innocent Jocelyn is killed in the contest unfairly…and Sam makes sure the audience sees it in horrifying detail. It starts a riot in the streets.

—— young innocent is earlier character description, by mid-point you don’t say it

—— who is rioting? viewers at home take to the streets?

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2. Rebels take down games and transmission altogether by wiping out power in whole city. Chaos begins as the revolution is now underway.

—— rebels wipe out power, interrupt transmission, and the games are halted (in order of what’s happening, what we’re seeing)

—— describe the chaos with a few examples

7. Crisis. Alicia has a choice: she can help the rebels (and save Jocelyn’s mother like she promised) or escape with her own life.

—— Instead of saving herself, Alicia decides…

—— turn all the writer placeholders into descriptive actions

8. Climax Alicia finds the people who put here there and rebel leaders who let Jocelyn die making a deal in the first challenge room. She walks in. They offer her a great life to join them and keep quiet. They want to make her a hero that everyone will love and their mascot-type. She shows them that the cameras are on, and the world is watching. Then she locks them in the first punishment room and social media starts voting on what they will go through.

—— who put her there

—— confusing 1st sentence, Alicia confronts…refuses their clemency offer, and exacts revenge by having home viewers vote their punishment.

—— I guess the power is back on?

9. Resolution She leaves the challenges a hero to the people.

—— but did she change the system? or just topple the authority?

—— if you go with the death by irony, which is fun, then how is she any better? and how is the system changed? you’ll need to come up with a clever solve that doles out fair justice

—— it’s not satisfying if the hero keeps the system in place

—— my pitch…the social media voting decides whether the judge’s sentencing is fair and appropriate, and if found guilty of being unfair in their sentencing…they suffer the consequences of the games — ironic ending, clever, fairer, the people enforce fairness, the people judge the judge!, and perhaps your resolution is showing the first example of the new system using the presiding judge and other baddies who were behind all the corruption and they all get their comeuppance but it’s deserved as determined by the new system of justice

Will have to read the outline tonight)

Thanks,

Michael

[Dana Abbott]

Hi, Matthew

I read the review from Michael Katz. I agree with his critique regarding your concept, character(s), dramatic question, etc., so I won’t elaborate. I’ll concentrate on your outline.

OPENING SCENES

You tell us about the differences between rich and poor, but you don’t show us. I’d like to see scenes showing the different lifestyles between the poor on the street and the people living in the penthouses. Poor drunks on the street vs. martini drinkers watching the games in their penthouses.

The transition from the OPENING SET to the NEW OPENING SET is confusing. I don’t really understand what has happened. Is this the same day or days/weeks later with a new show? You say, “they act like the old event didn’t take place.” Who’s they? Does the show have a host?

You may also want to consider moving the list of prisoners under the INTRO caption. This was a good way to help identify the players through the script. And maybe have the host introduce them.

THE GAME STARTS

Threatening the families with bomb is a good ticking clock to motivate the prisoners. But I don’t know anything about the punishments or who the Social Media Users choose to punish. How do the prisoners fight? Are they gladiators fighting each other? Do they fight as teams? Are they given weapons? How are the rooms different from one to the next? I think these things need more clarity.

When the explosion goes off and the rebel forces storm in, why don’t they just rescue the prisoners? You may want to reconsider the rebels at this point. This could be the moment when Jocelyn explains her purpose to the other prisoners to enlist their help.

During the fighting, you describe the prisoners dying “horribly.” You may want to describe how each prisoner dies to elevate the dramatic moments. I would also like to know how and why and who the Social Medial Users are selecting for punishment in each room.

Your ending is a little confusing to me. When Alicia wakes up after her family and friends are killed by the bomb, how does she get to the authorities who are meeting with the rebels? If she’s a prisoner, is she not in custody? And why do they let her walk in? And if the rebels have been fighting to stop the games and sacrificed Jocelyn, why are they now negotiating with the authorities? And what happened to the riots? Did the authority win?

The turnabout having the authorities locked in the room and forced to fight is good. But what motivates them to fight? The ticking bomb threatening the families at the beginning was a good motivator. But what are the motivations for the rebels and authorities to fight?

You may have these questions answered in the script, but I didn’t see them in the outline.

I agree with Michael that you have a good dystopian story here. It moves from scene to scene very well and keeps the action fast paced. I think you just need to add a few more specifics to clarify your scenes.

Dana

[Michael Katz]

Hi Matthew,

I agree with Dana’s notes on the outline, so no need for me to reiterate.

Some pretty good stuff for you to consider!

Thanks,

Michael

[anna harper]

Anna Harper

Getting to the Essence

SILENT NIGHT

A. Concept:

It’s almost Christmas in a picture-perfect English village. when a homeless Newfoundland dog, Alfie finds 13-year-old mute Dylan hiding from bullies in a garbage skiff.

Alfie uses his telepathic superpowers to aid and befriend Dylan.

Dylan’s dad (Steve) is being influenced by his evil wanna-be girlfriend Miss Elizabeth Perkins (Dylan’s grade 6 teacher.) She wants Dylan sent off to a ‘special’ boarding school.

The loving relationship between Alfie and Dylan helps him to break out of his self-imposed silence, and accept the death of his mother.

Change is all that will save Dylan. Through a series of challenging events, and with Alfie’s help, Dylan finds the courage to gradually break out of his silent world.

The magic of Christmas, family security, and joy encourage Dylan to speak his first sentence since the death of his mother.

Alfie the homeless dog becomes one of the family, and Steve finds a new romantic partner that Dylan and Alfie approve of.

B. Plot Choice: Metamorphosis

C. Character Structure:

Dylan must risk breaking out of silence

Biggest fear; Breaking silence risks breaking the illusion of safety in silence, and an illusion of closeness to his dead mother, whom he must let go of in order to function successfully in his life. Alfie breaks through Dylan’s silence in an unusual way, telepathically. Gradually winning Dylan’s affection and trust, Alfie helps Dylan to risk speaking again as his silence is no longer serving him in the real world, causing him all sorts of difficulties. Dylan emerges from his silent bubble, speaks, conquers the bullies, makes friends and avoids the boarding school.

Lead Characters

Dylan is a 13-year-old boy wrestling with difficulties caused by his mutism and complicated by the challenges of being a teenager. In the story, he befriends Alfie a homeless dog. Dylan is bullied by schoolboys and his grade 6 teacher. Dylan evolves through a series of challenges to a more confident self, speaking again, making friends, and developing a more understanding relationship with his father Steve.

Alfie is a huge all-black Newfoundland dog with two-way telepathic superpowers. He says he is homeless. Dylan rescues Alfie and Alfie rescues Dylan. Alfie is Dylan’s life coach sharing Yoda-like wisdom with Dylan and encouraging Dylan through his needs as a dirty starving homeless dog for Dylan to take on a less egocentric way of being in the world. Dylan is empathic to Alfie’s needs. Alfie provides a new loving relationship to Dylan.

Steve is Dylan’s Dad. He has been a widower for the last couple of years and copes as best he can with being the village bus driver, volunteer fireman, and single Dad to Dylan. He means well, however, due to stress and being somewhat insensitive he misses the boat with Dylan. It takes an incident of Dylan running away, and Alfie saving the day for Steve to have an epiphany and figure out what is going on.

Elizabeth Perkins Antagonist Elizabeth has an agenda to have Steve to herself. She plots to send Dylan off to a special boarding school. Elizabeth is generally evil and makes the school kids’ lives miserable. Her character is camp. She wears hideous Christmas sweaters and looks overdone, in direct relationship to her character being overbearing. Unfortunately, she has no redeeming qualities and gets caught out and dismissed. She does provide a talking point for Steve and Dylan on good reasons for children and young people to talk to adults when there are problems.

Dramatic Question Will Dylan ever talk again or will he become a victim of his own construction?

Main Conflict

Dylan has an inner and an outer conflict that collides with each other. Dylan does not want to give up his cocoon of silence, lives in a world of his own where he still feels a connection to his departed mother. The outside world presents Dylan with unpleasant incidents made more difficult by his unwillingness to talk.

Dilemma

What will Dylan lose if he starts to speak again? He has not spoken in two years, it is difficult for him to get the words out, even if he wanted to, and sometimes he does want to try and speak, it’s really hard for him. Alfie presents him with a shocking invasion into his silent world with two-way telepathy, thus the beginning of an unwilling break in his silence. The dramas in Dylan’s life gradually force a coming out of the cocoon.

Theme

Maturation

9 BEATS Get to the Essence

1. A group of bullies chases Dylan, verbally abusing him., while his school teacher watches passively.

2. Dylan hides in the garbage skiff and meets Alfie, a dog with telepathic superpowers

3. Steve is on a date with Dylan’s teacher who suggests Dylan is sent to a boarding school.

4. Dylan’s friend is bullied, he uses words to get her help.

5. Steve misunderstands what has happened, gets angry with Dylan, and threatens boarding school.

6. Dylan feels threatened and runs away.

7. Alfie takes Dylan’s drawings of abuse at the school to Steve and then locates Dylan.

.

8. Steve allows Dylan to keep Alfie who continues to coach Dylan to speak.

9. A Christmas walk in the village begins a new chapter with Dylan speaking, Alfie,now a member of the family, and a new girlfriend for Steve..

.

[anna harper]

Anna Harper

SILENT NIGHT GETTING TO THE ESSENCE

A. Concept:

It’s almost Christmas in a picture-perfect English village. when a homeless Newfoundland dog, Alfie finds 13-year-old mute Dylan hiding from bullies in a garbage skiff.

Alfie uses his telepathic superpowers to aid and befriend Dylan.

Dylan’s dad (Steve) is being influenced by his evil wanna-be girlfriend Miss Elizabeth Perkins (Dylan’s grade 6 teacher.) She wants Dylan sent off to a ‘special’ boarding school.

The loving relationship between Alfie and Dylan helps him to break out of his self-imposed silence, and accept the death of his mother.

Change is all that will save Dylan. Through a series of challenging events, and with Alfie’s help, Dylan finds the courage to gradually break out of his silent world.

The magic of Christmas, family security, and joy encourage Dylan to speak his first sentence since the death of his mother.

Alfie the homeless dog becomes one of the family, and Steve finds a new romantic partner that Dylan and Alfie approve of.

B. Plot Choice: Metamorphosis

C. Character Structure:

Dylan must risk breaking out of silence

Biggest fear; Breaking silence risks breaking the illusion of safety in silence, and an illusion of closeness to his dead mother, whom he must let go of in order to function successfully in his life. Alfie breaks through Dylan’s silence in an unusual way, telepathically. Gradually winning Dylan’s affection and trust, Alfie helps Dylan to risk speaking again as his silence is no longer serving him in the real world, causing him all sorts of difficulties. Dylan emerges from his silent bubble, speaks, conquers the bullies, makes friends and avoids the boarding school.

Lead Characters

Dylan is a 13-year-old boy wrestling with difficulties caused by his mutism and complicated by the challenges of being a teenager. In the story, he befriends Alfie a homeless dog. Dylan is bullied by schoolboys and his grade 6 teacher. Dylan evolves through a series of challenges to a more confident self, speaking again, making friends, and developing a more understanding relationship with his father Steve.

Alfie is a huge all-black Newfoundland dog with two-way telepathic superpowers. He says he is homeless. Dylan rescues Alfie and Alfie rescues Dylan. Alfie is Dylan’s life coach sharing Yoda-like wisdom with Dylan and encouraging Dylan through his needs as a dirty starving homeless dog for Dylan to take on a less egocentric way of being in the world. Dylan is empathic to Alfie’s needs. Alfie provides a new loving relationship to Dylan.

Steve is Dylan’s Dad. He has been a widower for the last couple of years and copes as best he can with being the village bus driver, volunteer fireman, and single Dad to Dylan. He means well, however, due to stress and being somewhat insensitive he misses the boat with Dylan. It takes an incident of Dylan running away, and Alfie saving the day for Steve to have an epiphany and figure out what is going on.

Elizabeth Perkins Antagonist Elizabeth has an agenda to have Steve to herself. She plots to send Dylan off to a special boarding school. Elizabeth is generally evil and makes the school kids’ lives miserable. Her character is camp. She wears hideous Christmas sweaters and looks overdone, in direct relationship to her character being overbearing. Unfortunately, she has no redeeming qualities and gets caught out and dismissed. She does provide a talking point for Steve and Dylan on good reasons for children and young people to talk to adults when there are problems.

Dramatic Question Will Dylan ever talk again or will he become a victim of his own construction?

Main Conflict

Dylan has an inner and an outer conflict that collides with each other. Dylan does not want to give up his cocoon of silence, lives in a world of his own where he still feels a connection to his departed mother. The outside world presents Dylan with unpleasant incidents made more difficult by his unwillingness to talk.

Dilemma

What will Dylan lose if he starts to speak again? He has not spoken in two years, it is difficult for him to get the words out, even if he wanted to, and sometimes he does want to try and speak, it’s really hard for him. Alfie presents him with a shocking invasion into his silent world with two-way telepathy, thus the beginning of an unwilling break in his silence. The dramas in Dylan’s life gradually force a coming out of the cocoon.

Theme

Maturation

9 BEATS Get to the Essence

1. A group of bullies chases Dylan, verbally abusing him., while his school teacher watches passively.

2. Dylan hides in the garbage skiff and meets Alfie, a dog with telepathic superpowers

3. Steve is on a date with Dylan’s teacher who suggests Dylan is sent to a boarding school.

4. Dylan’s friend is bullied, he uses words to get her help.

5. Steve misunderstands what has happened, gets angry with Dylan, and threatens boarding school.

6. Dylan feels threatened and runs away.

7. Alfie takes Dylan’s drawings of abuse at the school to Steve and then locates Dylan.

.

8. Steve allows Dylan to keep Alfie who continues to coach Dylan to speak.

9. A Christmas walk in the village begins a new chapter with Dylan speaking, Alfie,now a member of the family, and a new girlfriend for Steve.

FULL OUTLINE

1. EXT.ESTABLISHING/VILLAGE HIGH STREET/CHRISTMAS/DAY

2. EXT.VILLAGE SCHOOL/DAY

A group of bullies chases Dylan, verbally abusing him. A school teacher watches passively.

3. INT.CLASSROOM/DAY

Elizabeth Perkins the teacher returns to her schoolroom and dialogues with her mirror. Placeholder rap song. re her enjoyment of her dark side.

4. INT.GARBAGE SKIFF/DAY

Dylan hides in the garbage skiff, meets Alfie, discovers that the dog has superpowers of two-way telepathic communication with Dylan.

5, INT. DYLAN AND STEVE’S COTTAGE/DAY

Dylan and Alfie enter leaving a dirty mess. Alfie bathes and feeds Alfie.

6. INT.COTTAGE BATHROOM /DAY

They are discovered by a horrified Steve, (Dad) who says Dylan cannot keep the dog.

Steve is annoyed as he was expecting a dinner guest, now this is not possible.

7.INT.KITCHEN/DAY

Steve leaves, Dylan and Alfie enter the kitchen to find food for a starving Alfie. They empty most of the fridge.

8.INT.INDIAN RESTAURANT/EVENING

Steve and Elizabeth the teacher are having dinner. She states that Dylan should attend a special boarding school. This would allow them to spend more time together. Steve dumps Elizabeth and rejects the school idea. Elizabeth is angry and embarrassed.

9.EXT.PARK/EARLY MORNING

Before school, Dylan and Alfie go to the park to play. They see the bully boys walking towards them. Dylan is apprehensive. All of the boys but one, want to come and meet Alfie. The alpha bully hangs back

10..INT.SCHOOL/MORNING

Dylan observes Elizabeth locking his friend Daisy in the school cellar.

11. EXT.VILLAGE HIGH STREET/STEVE’S BUS DAY

Dylan has run away from the school, he tries to get his Dad to help Daisy using his usual means of gestures. When that does not work, Dylan speaks for the first time in two years,

telling his Dad to help Daisy.

12.. INT.SCHOOL/DAY

Steve and Dylan can hear Daisy crying in the cellar, Steve fetches the school principal. Elizabeth appears and intimidates Daisy into taking responsibility for locking herself in the cellar.

13. EXT.VILLAGE HIGH STREET/DAY

On the way home Steve expresses his anger. He feels Dylan has made a fool of him, and all because he will not speak. Steve doubts his ability to help Dylan

14. INT.DYLAN’S BEDROOM/DAY

Alfie encourages Dylan to try to communicate with his Dad about his troubles with bullies and the evil Miss Perkins using pictures,

Steve runs out of the house He does not see the pictures. Dylan takes his pictures away believing that his Dad is not interested.

15.INT.SCHOOLROOM/DAY

Steve has an interview at Dylan’s school, He agrees to consider the boarding school option and takes the paperwork home.

16. EXT.VILLAGE STREET/DAY

On the way home, Steve takes the side of Elizabeth and says they should very seriously consider the boarding school as Dylan is creating trouble and Steve cannot figure out how to help him, Dylan breaks away from his father and runs off. Steve cannot find Dylan.

17. INT.STEVE AND DYLAN’S COTTAGE/EVENING

Steve is pacing the floor, he calls the village police and tells them Dylan has run away.

Alfie finds the envelope with Dylan’s drawings and whines and barks until Steve looks at them.

Steve sees the pictures of abuse at the school and understands.. Steve looks at Alfie and asks him to find Dylan

18. EXT.VILLAGE HIGH STREET/NIGHT

Alfie barks and steers Steve to the garbage skiff where Alfie and Dylan originally met. Steve lifts the lid on the skiff where he finds Dylan

I9.INT. AT THE COTTAGE/EVENING

Steve phones the school board, reports his concerns, and tells his son not to worry he is not going to the boarding school, he apologizes for not understanding or believing Dylan

20. INT.THE COTTAGE/MORNING

Steve calls the pound Dylan. No one has claimed Alfie. Steve says If Aflie makes Dylan happy and gets him to start talking, he can keep him until New Year. But only till New Year.

21 INT.DYLAN’S ROOM/MORNING.

Alfie spends more time with Dylan explaining how important it was for him to speak, he saved Daisy from the cellar. He also talks to him about loving his mother and making his mother happy by talking and enjoying his life. Dylan is still silent. He draws another picture of Alfie with a big heart around Dylan and Alfie, he gives it to his Dad.

22. EXT.SCHOOL/DAY

It’s the day of the school Christmas concert. Dylan and Steve are walking from the parking area towards the school with many other parents. Dylan points to the alpha bully boy being smacked and pushed by the bully’s mother. Dylan’s Dad says he will contact the school principal.

23. INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY/EVENING

Dylan feels sorry for the bully boy. Steve says this is how the boy has learned to bully. Dylan wonders if the bully is lonely. Steve explains the importance of talking to adults who love and care for children and young people when there is a problem, and how silence can make things worse.

23. EXT. PARK/DAY

Daisy, Dylan, and Alfie are sitting on the park bench. Daisy explains how competitive her parents are, and that she would really like a certain doll for Christmas. They will not allow it as she has to grow up.

Dylan speaks, says he wants a tattoo, his Dad will never allow it.

24.INT.VILLAGE BAKERY/AFTERNOON

Dylan, Steve, and Alfie go shopping Dylan buys Daisy a My Little Mermaid doll. village. Dylan points and waves at the bakery. They go in and buy Christmas goodies. Steve and Dylan like Mickey the baker,

25. EXT. SEAFRONT/EVENING

Mickey is just about to close the shop and suggest they all go to the seafront cafe for hot chocolate.

26 EXT.AT THE VILLAGE CHRISTMAS TREET/CHRISTMAS EVE

Dylan holds his Dad’s hand and points to the village’s huge Christmas tree, lights sparkling snowflakes falling. Dylan speaks, admiring the tree. Steve agrees to keep Alfie.

27. EXT.VILLAGE PARK/CHRISTMAS DAY

Alfie, Dylan,and Daisy are playing hacky sack. They sit on the bench and exchange gifts, the mermaid doll for Daisy and some extra long-lasting tattoo decals for Dylan. They conclude their meeting discussing the dilemma of wanting to grow up and still be kids.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  anna harper.

[Lisa Paris Long]

FOR ANNA HARPER

SILENT NIGHT CRITIQUE

I like that the “hero” of your story is a dog! It’s been my experience that they are telepathic in real life, at least with their owners. And I also love a Christmas story!

For the top portion from Concept to the 9 plot structure beats:

The Concept should be one line.

The Plot Choice is Metamorphosis. But at the end after the 9 beats, you have “Maturation” there? Are you still deciding?

For Theme, you have nothing next to it.

There are a few questions about your outline as I read it:

Steve’s evil girlfriend is named Elizabeth Perkins like the famous actress. I’m wondering why? She starred in the remake of Miracle on 34^th Street…could that be why? 🙂

Why is Steve with Elizabeth if she has no redeeming qualities? Does she have Steve fooled?

Why does Steve get angry with Dylan when he speaks? I would think he’d be overjoyed that after 2 years he can talk!

Why does Dylan want a tattoo? Does Steve have tattoos? Did his mom like them or have them? Does he want a tattoo that says mom?

Why does Steve no longer plan to get rid of Alfie on New Year’s?

At the end, I’m not sure kids would discuss wanting to grow up and yet still be kids. But you could write it as subtext and then I think it would work.

Your story is kind. It has the love between a boy and a dog, a boy and his father, a boy and his deceased mom, and a boy’s journey to growth and happiness. All the elements of a winner!!

My outline is a Christmas story too. If you get the chance, I would like for you to critique it.

[Kate Hawkes]

sweet story Anna and I think for the right age group very cool.

what age are you pitching to?

do you see this as animation or…?

I am keen to read the dialogue between the two 13yrolds on this topic.. could be very cool.

is 13 a bit old for a Little mermaid doll??juts thinking of my daughter when she was 13…

I really like Dylan’s silence and why and how it is changed. I wanted to see that relationship with his mother so we understand and feel that.

How do we know that – because someone says it?

a series of flashbacks that come together – and finally maybe she speaks to him (in his mind) and he has permission to speak again?

sort of like Alfie does but some of it via the Mom..

and are the any scenes where the dad and son talk about the Mom? share their grief?

different ways to handle it?

surely Steve would know that.. -a therapist for a child that wont speak…

As fun as it is to have a completely bad person (a la Cruella de Ville) can we have some background on Elizabeth to give us an inkling as to what makes people as mean as she is?

what scenes are there just between Steve and Elizabeth?

And can we have some backstory on Alfie? he is such an integral character!

You mentioned in beat 9 a new girlfriend for Steve .. I didn’t see that in the outline/plot

so much good stuff here – it feels like it needs depth and some details of relationships that we see happen not just hear about!

go for it!

[Dev Ross]

I am open to all comments from my fellow writers!

[Dev Ross]

Thanks for your comments, Dana. You have underscored exactly my dilemma in writing this. However, I would prefer not to make this a switching bodies stories but rather an alt-universe story where humans exist as altered versions of themselves in different universes. In one universe, Clay is a White Supremacist and in the other he is a Black Leader. Basically a yin/yang concept of polar opposites. A comp would be Amazon’s “Man in the High Castle.” If I can’t solve this, I will really have to consider the switching bodies! Thank you for your comments! And, again, I love your story!

[Dev Ross]

Hi June,

Hope you don’t mind if I offer comments! I was so touched by your original concept that I wanted to follow your story. In this expanded version, you’ve really captured the woundedness of your characters and their path to love and healing. That said, your story as outline seems more like a TV miniseries than a film, with each scene being excellent fodder for an entire episode. That said, I’m going to focus on ACT THREE in my comments because I believe there is far too much establishing Kim and Roy’s relationship still going on, all of which needs to have happened in the second act. By the third act, the rising action at the end of the second act should push them into the final action – the facing of their greatest fears – which bonds them once and for all and brings the film to closure. I suggest the planning and focusing on the blowing up of Kim’s brother’s cabin as the final action and then — when Kim now plans to commit suicide – as was their agreed plan – Roy declares his love and persuades her that her life is worth living, especially with him. Then, the tag could be them visiting Marilyn. Overall, everything is there. Now I suggest paring down your outline to the strongest story points that most directly lead you to the climax. It’s all there already.

[June f]

Hi Dev,

Thank you for your kind and encouraging thoughts. Yep, the third act is the least worked out – so true- Also true that I am a little worried about the length- but I think, for me, it’s easier to cut than add, and I feel like I’ve still not captured all of what’s in my head! Sigh. I’ve copied your thought into a word doc and will consider your points as I proceed. Thank you SO MUCH for commenting. I’ve started to read your outline and want to do it justice – Good wishes! and thanks again. June

[Anita Gomez]

(Originally I posted under “Day 17” – please note this is now my Version 2. Thanks for any / all feedback!)

Anita Gomez Essence-Only Outline for “LIFE CHOICES” Version 2

1. List the following key components of your story:

A. Concept:

A young woman who can’t access an abortion abandons her baby at birth only to learn years later that the child is her best hope for a life-saving transplant, leading her to search for a daughter she never wanted, but who becomes her unexpected solution.

B. Plot Choice: #12 Transformation

C. Character Structure: Dramatic Triangle

D. Lead Characters:

Danica wants a law career not a baby but can’t access an abortion because of restrictive state laws.

The baby’s father Cyrus, is not only married but Danica’s ambitious superior at work, who was instrumental in forming their state’s anti-abortion law.

Dianna is the unwanted child who is then adopted and grows into a brilliant young woman, but also the ultimate version of her two psychologically flawed biological parents.

E. Dramatic Question: Should a woman with an unwanted pregnancy be forced to carry a child to term which puts her own life in jeopardy; and later, continue to reject the woman the child has become, or finally embrace her?

F. Main Conflict: The woman’s health is failing and she needs to find the now-grown abandoned daughter for a transplant.

G. Dilemma: Abort the child against her religious beliefs and at the father’s request, or have the child at great personal health risk and ruin her career plans. LATER, the Dilemma morphs into: Find the abandoned child for selfish health reasons or try and connect with the now-grown brilliant daughter. Really it is the same ‘coin’: Destroy the child or let it live.

H. Theme: That there is no one perfect answer to an unwanted pregnancy – that an unwanted pregnancy can lead to an unwanted child.

I. Character Arc of Lead Character(s): Danica goes from a selfish woman to desiring a relationship with her abandoned child. In this ‘dramatic triangle’ the father, Cyrus remains flat in his selfish ambitions. Dianna the daughter’s arc goes from bad to worse: abandonment issues turn to full-blown psychosis leading to murdering her father.

J. Structure of your screenplay (9 beats, one sentence each):

1. Opening: (flash-forward) Danica nearly dies in childbirth.

2. Inciting Incident: Danica confronts Cyrus with the pregnancy neither wants.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Danica’s religious sister condemns her for wanting an abortion.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: The grueling birth of Dianna, with a defect of a missing kidney, and Danica rejects the child.

5. Mid-Point: Danica’s career takes off as does Cyrus’ – who becomes an influential judge – while Dianna, now adopted, grows into a brilliant but psychologically twisted young woman.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: Danica’s sister dies and she discovers her own life-threatening health risks just as Dianna discovers who her real parents are.

7. Crisis: Danica must present legal anti-abortion arguments before Judge Cyrus causing a breakdown that triggers an eminent need for a kidney transplant and leading her to search out and find her abandoned daughter.

8. Climax: Dianna, who is aware of both parents’ identities and their medical history, kills Cyrus.

9. Resolution: Danica receives Cyrus’ kidney in a transplant operation orchestrated by her estranged daughter Dianna.

Anita Gomez’s Essence Only Outline

INT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT

(Flash-forward) A woman is in the throes of childbirth. It isn’t going well, and we hear from the doctors that she could die.

INT. LAW OFFICES – NIGHT

(Flashback 7 months): Danica confronts senior law partner (Cyrus) that she is pregnant and past the 6 weeks allowable for an abortion – a law he was instrumental in crafting. He wants her to have an abortion anyway to protect his marriage, family and career.

INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOME – DAY

Danica confides in her Evangelical sister that she doesn’t want this child and fears for her health, having been born with only 1 kidney. The sister guilt-trips her / tells her all life is precious and “she’ll grow to love the child”.

INT. CATHOLIC CHURCH – THAT NIGHT

Danica is praying in an empty church for guidance. She gets no answer.

EXT. HIGHWAY – NIGHT

Danica flees the state driving to <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:state w:st=”on”>Louisiana</st1:state></st1:place> where the abortion laws are more accessible.

INT. ABORTION CLINIC – DAY

Danica is confronted by religious anti-abortion protestors and finds she can’t go through with the abortion.

INT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT

Back at the opening scene of a wretched birthing experience, Danica regains consciousness and told the infant was born with the mother’s genetic defect of having only one kidney. Danica emotionally rejects the infant.

INT. HOSPITAL – LATER

Danica physically rejects her newborn telling the nurse, “Not all of us are born mothers”.

EXT. FIRE STATION – NIGHT

Danica abandons her newborn daughter at a “Safe Haven” firehouse telling the child, “I never wanted you” leaving a note, “Her name is Dianna”.

EXT. TEXAS HIGHWAY – DAY

Giant billboards picture Cyrus running for a Judgeship with politically motivated anti-abortion statements seen with his smiling wife and 2 young children.

INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY

Partners congratulate Cyrus on his election win as a state Judge.

INT. COURTHOUSE – DAY

Cyrus is presiding over an adoption proceeding unbeknownst to him that it is Dianna, his biological daughter from Danica, who is being adopted.

INT. DIANNA’S ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOME – DAY

Dianna is a beautiful baby, exuding shiny and bright promises for her new doting parents.

INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY

Danica coldly and with ambition climbs the professional ladder becoming a full partner in a prestigious Louisiana law firm: “You’re one of the boys now”.

EXT. LOUISIANA STREET – DAY

Danica is a marathon participant – it’s obvious she has entered many before.

INT. COURTROOM – DAY

Cyrus gains the reputation as a conservative hard-ass, making harsh anti-abortion decisions from the bench – as noted by a case about a young girl seeking a judicial bypass from parental consent for an abortion, which he denies because of her “grades”.

INT. ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOUSE

Dianna has grown into a beautiful and precocious young girl – but with a cruel streak that her adoptive parents excuse as ‘accidental’.

INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – EVENING

Narcissistic Cyrus interacts with his two pre-teen kids in a fatherly but distracted and distant way deferring the kids’ needs to his wife.

INT. ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOUSE

The mother comes home distraught to find Dianna (about age 9) calmly watching gruesome horror movies.

INT. JUDGE’S CHAMBERS – DAY

Cyrus, now older, has received notice of his appointment to Regional Circuit Judge, which will put him once again in Danica’s professional orbit.

EXT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – EARLY NEXT MORNING

In his habitual practice to retrieve his newspaper outside the gates of his ‘McMansion’, and while gloating over the headlines announcing his Judgeship, a car passes too close bobbling his coffee onto his pajamas and robe (foreshadowing).

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL BLEACHERS – NIGHT

At the Homecoming game Dianna surreptitiously lures the school mascot (a bulldog) under the bleachers feeding it something that causes seizures as she coolly observes.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE – NEXT DAY

There is a Psychologist present explaining to Dianna’s parents they believe it was Dianna who harmed (but thankfully did not kill) the school mascot, and further believe her to be a Vulnerable Narcisist with Alexithymia – a term to describe problems with feeling emotions.

INT. ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Dianna’s parents confront her about her emotional detachment. She tells them not to worry – she really wants to help others, and has decided to go into genetic research because of her own anatomical anomaly to uncover others with kidney deficiency (which she later discovers includes her biological mother and Aunt).

EXT. UNIVERSITY GROUNDS – DAY

Dianna graduates college early and is offered a prestigious job as a medical researcher in genetics to study disease outcomes along the lines of “Nurture vs. Nature” with a big $$ Grant.

INT. BIOLOGY LAB – DAY

Dianna displays the same cold ambition as her biological mother, exemplified by dispassionate experimentation and dissection of animals in the lab, and how her co-workers whisper behind her back about her cold detachment. One coworker (a guy) stands up for her – and later becomes her boyfriend.

INT. DEPARTMENT STORE – DAY

Danica is shopping last minute for Christmas for her niece. Sad and pensive, brooding about the child she gave away, she cluelessly selects a board game.

INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Danica visits for Christmas and while the rest of the family has fun at game night she only observes – her gift obviously out-of-touch with the kids ages and electronic desires. The sister leaves, hiding from them all she has serious back pain.

INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – CHRISTMAS DAY

Cyrus’s wife gives the family each a genetic DNA kit as gifts. Cyrus looks nervous but agrees to take the test.

INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Dianna is in bed with her boyfriend. Sex for her is nothing more than a cold biological function.

INT. BIOLOGY LAB – DAY

Dianna seeks out and discovers the true identity of both her biological parents by doing DNA testing on herself.

INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOUSE – DAY

Another wistful visit while Danica catches a TV commercial about Cyrus running for re-election as Judge, all about “family values” – his platform is anti-abortion and he calls women ‘host bodies’ – Danica is disgusted.

INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – DAY

Dianna holds a home pregnancy test strip showing “positive” but she has absolutely no emotional reaction to this and carelessly tosses it in the garbage.

INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT BATHROOM – NIGHT

Her boyfriend finds the discarded positive pregnancy test and confronts Dianna. She shrugs and tells him “she already took care of that.”

INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Exemplifying her pathological inability to connect with people, her boyfriend accuses Dianna of aborting their child without even consulting him, and of cold-blooded murder. Dianna just throws him out.

INT. JUDGE CYRUS’ CHAMBERS – DAY

Cyrus meets with anti-abortion lobbyists and agrees to be considered as an appointee for The 5^th Circuit Chief Judge. His motivations are purely for power and political gain.

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET – DAY

Danica is a compulsive marathon runner and begins to show signs of health issues.

INT. DANICA’S HOUSE – DAY

She receives news of her sister’s death from kidney failure.

INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOME – DAY

Danica meets with her brother-in-law, niece and nephew but has too many regrets about giving away her own child to be of much solace.

INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE – DAY

Danica sees her own doctor and is told she too has kidney disease, and must have a transplant to survive. She is told all the medical reasons why her best chance for survival is a close relative.

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET – NEXT DAY

Danica finds she doesn’t have the strength to run that day.

INT. DANICA’s HOUSE – NIGHT

She begins seeking out her daughter’s whereabouts online but we are unsure of her motive – is it for a kidney or a relationship?

INT. BIOLOGY LAB – DAY

Dianna reads about her Aunt’s death online and studying her own mother’s DNA health markers realizes Danica is also likely to die of kidney disease without a transplant. We see Dianna go to Cyrus’s DNA results on the computer but not what she finds.

INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – NIGHT

Cyrus announces to his wife that he’s been appointed to the 5th Circuit Court of Appeals, located in New Orleans. She tells him the results of the family DNA tests uncovered a grown child out of wedlock (Dianna) and she will be leaving him.

INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY

Danica must prepare for arguments against restricting abortions in the state of LA. She is shaken to learn that the father of her abandoned child (Cyrus) will be the appointed Circuit Appeals Judge.

INT. DANICA’S HOUSE – NIGHT

She goes on a concentrated search for Dianna, the daughter, and using a DNA genetic app, finds her. Dianna is a shocking spitting image of her mother.

INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY

Danica can’t concentrate on work. She finally contacts Dianna by email, not disclosing who she is – only a ‘close relative’. Danica has no idea Dianna already knows who she is.

INT. COURTROOM – DAY

The anti-abortionist broad theoretical arguments for new restrictive legislation includes “sanctity of life” comments, and how they must “protect the unborn” and “what if that little baby is the next president?” // “Even women who have been raped should be inspired because ‘God put them in this moment’, // “Life begins when DNA is created”, etc.

INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY

Danica is preparing for her arguments the next day but flailing, getting bogged down by all the statistics coming out of TX since they passed their “Heartbeat Act” and how it has impacted LA, etc. Her superior calls her out…. “What’s wrong with you?”

INT. COURTROOM – DAY

Danica’s passionate in her counter- arguments against restricting abortion rights: “What if that next baby is another Hitler or Putin?” // “The state should never be allowed to compel victims of sexual violence to carry an unwanted child.” // “Not everyone’s cut out to be a parent. Not everyone SHOULD be a parent… not every child should be born into a life of pain and suffering – because of physical defects or into poverty…” All while Cyrus just sits there smirking at her. Danica collapses – both mentally and physically.

INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Dianna receives Danica’s email and suggests they meet early the next morning at Dianna’s prompting, who makes all the arrangements.

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET – EARLY MORNING

Dianna drives to the early morning appointment she set to meet her mother. We see a man bending over outside his ‘McMansion’ gates to get the morning paper – we recognize him as Cyrus. Brakes Squeal. Blackout.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY

Eyes blink open to a hospital room. Wincing in pain Danica walks to a mirror realizing she has gotten her transplant, but looks confused. Her daughter, Dianna walks in and turns the TV news up reporting on the tragic death of Circuit Appeals Court Judge Cyrus at his home that morning. Dianna says, “Well, at least he did one thing right in his life – he signed up as an organ donor.”

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Anita Gomez.

[Kate Hawkes]

TO ANITA FROM KATE
I really like Danica arc. It feels full, rich and complete.

Danica’s story becomes very compelling.. I wonder if there is a way to enrich that – it sems as if the story is really a mother and daughter story.. Cyrus is an instrument.

Interesting that Danica transforms – Questions: does Dianna?

I like beginning with the birth, going back and then to the birth again –

and also closing with Dainna back in hospital. and the grown-up daughter.

PLACES WHERE I AM CONFUSED:

•If Dianna is such a pathologically emotionless person why does she care about her Bio Mother who abandoned her.

• and Why blame (and kill) Cyrus?

QUESTIONS TO CHECK

is it really possible track people online via their personal DNA test??

this seems like a big question to me and one that I am not sure I buy.. without a scene or something that shows me (audience) that this is so.

WOULD BE INTERESTING TO SEE:

Maybe a scene or two with Dianna and therapist?

The ending leaves me with questions:

Did Danica plan to run over Cyrus or was that luck? if he hadn’t been there would she have killed him some other way?

I wanted to see her arrive at that kill him idea..

I still don’t see why she went after him and not Dianna.

it is left that Danica killed Cyrus and she and her Mom are all good now?

and was it just luck his kidney was a match?

THEME

H. Theme: That there is no one perfect answer to an unwanted pregnancy – that an unwanted pregnancy can lead to an unwanted child.

It seems to me that the arc of the story suggests something much stronger, and broader scope than ‘unwanted pregnancy- unwanted child’

something about lack of love?

it has come a long way from when I first saw it!! good job.

[Anita Gomez]

Thanks Kate!

I really appreciate the feedback! You ask some great questions, and the benefit to me is that I felt these were inherent in my outline, and because they were not obvious enough, it means I have more work to do clarifying my story.

To answer here: My main desire is to lay out in as complete and fair a way as possible all the various aspects to deciding on the termination of a life. And so I chose a dramatic triangle to give me the full spectrum of perspectives (father, mother, child).

I agree that the over-arching theme is broad. Yes, it can be about love. But I think it’s important for me to get even more specific: it’s about choosing life or death. Love (or the lack of it) certainly plays into that… but not always. Some people choose abortion for convenience sake, with little emotional attachment. For others, the decision is one of lifelong angst and a haunting memory.

Your questions around the daughter (Dianna) informs me that I need to round out her character. You questioned her access to information, and motives. Regular DNA tests (like 23&Me) do already actually inform you if you have a close relative – like a sister or even child (if they too are in the database). I also placed her in a Genetic Lab so she could access even more info than most… and a way to find her biological parents.

As to why and how Dianna kills Cyrus – I want this to be the final twist, that (hopefully) no one seems coming, so I don’t want to give too much away up front. I do show him a creature of habit (getting the paper) I think I need to show Dianna cruising past his house at least once to establish she knows his home address. So thanks for that!

Her only motive is really revealed at the end when she simply sees him as an organ donor and nothing more. Danica chose to give her life but Cyrus has been a public figure, and seen as a hypocritical jerk. And because Dianna is truly a sociopath, without emotion about killing (as seen in previous places – as a child hurting a kitten; as a teen poisoning the school mascot; and as a professional doing lab experiments on animals) her decision is not driven by emotion at all… hopefully leaving the audience with one of my ultimate questions: Should every child be born? The hypothetical is always, “What if they are the next Einstein?” I want to flip that on its head and ask, “What if they are the next Ted Bundy?”

So to reiterate – because you had these questions and I needed to clarify things for you, this means I need to spend more time building these answers more clearly into my story! Thanks again!

-Anita

[Kate Hawkes]

Please feel free to critique mine! #20 on this page or there-abouts

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Kate Hawkes.

[Antonio]

[PS81] Antonio Flores: Essence Only for Exchange

What I learned is…?

Clarity is of an essence…

A. Concept:

A cheerleader fights in the underground MMA to rescue her fiancé, a fighter abducted and poisoned by criminals to steal a secret that he keeps – now she must win the antidote in a deadly cage tournament.

B. Plot Choice:

Escape

C. Character Structure: Dramatic triangle

Three characters (Parisa, Badahur, Philip) wrapped up in a web where there are deeper implications to their relationships than what we see in the beginning.

• Parisa wants Bahadur back. Eventually, she finds out that she has been targeted by Philip’s predatory nature and that he is also a deadly threat to Bahadur


• Badahur wants Parisa out of danger, but she is his only hope. As the poison makes him weaker and weaker, he depends on Philip for protection, but he knows Philip could kill him as well.


• Philip’s task is to prevent Bahadur to give away the secret, even if he had to kill him to accomplish this — rescuing him is just another option. He considers Parisa an extra load, but he likes her looks.


• The three of them want to escape the Ruler’s evil hunting.


D. Lead Characters

• PARISA, a cheerleader coach who fights in the underground MMA to rescue her fiancé. 


• BAHADUR is Parisa’s fiancé, an underground MMA fighter who was poisoned with a time-bound substance as he unwillingly keeps the secret location of an strategic weapon.


• PHILIP is a secret agent whose task is preventing Bahadur to give away the secret, even if it was necessary to kill him — he eventually becomes a threat to Parisa and Bahadur. 


• THE RULER is the head of the underground MMA, which is a screen to hide the criminal organization that wants to steal Bahadur’s secret.


E. Dramatic Question:

Can Parisa become a fighter, win the poison’s antidote and get her fiancé back?

F. Main Conflict:

The Ruler wants to steal the secret as much as he craves for torturing Parisa and her friends, so even by winning the tournament, their escape is pretty much unlikely… and the clock is ticking.

G. Dilemma:

To get the antidote, Parisa must win a fight to death and become an assassin or give up the life of her fiancé.

H. Theme:

To escape, sometimes you need to stop running

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any):

The journey of a fearful cheerleader who becomes a fearless MMA fighter.

J. Structure of your screenplay (9 beats, one sentence each):

1. Opening

INT. FITNESS ROOM — NIGHT

PARISA, a lonely woman, gets up on a treadmill. Pictures on the wall show memories of her career as cheerleader and coach.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE — SAME TIME

Parisa’s fiancé, BAHADUR faces SHAHNAZ, a massive, muscle-packed fighter. Bahadur is in a daze. There is a cut in his arm. On the opponent’s corner, A MAN IN A TUNIC holds up a knife and grins. Poison.

2. Inciting Incident

INT. FITNESS ROOM — NIGHT

A TEXT PREVIEW displays on Parisa’a cellphone screen. Parisa’s uncle, MMA manager, SYLVAIN says: “I’M SORRY. HE’S GONE. THEY TOOK HIM”. Parisa wipes her tears and texts back: ‘HELP ME. I MUST FIND HIM.”

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

INT. SYLVAN’S CAR – DAY

Parisa fills uncle Sylvain with the details of the break up. Badahur said that he had to go with Philip and ditched her. Sylvain offers to help Parisa break into the underground MMA world.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE

Sylvain introduces Parisa to the underground MMA RINGMASTERS. Parisa gets in the cage for an “audition.” She gets badly beaten, but the ringmasters want her great looks on the show. They sign her in.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE — NIGHT

It’s Parisa’s debut night. Once again, she gets badly beaten.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — FEMALE LOCKERS — LATER

Parisa bumps into SANDY, an old schoolmate. She works as a janitor and helps female fighters. Sandy takes care of Parisa’s injuries. “How bad is it?” Parisa asks.

INT. SYLVAIN’S CAR — DAY

Parisa wonders how long it will take for her to develop MMA fighter skills. Sylvain persuades her to try dance. Parisa refuses.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — FEMALE LOCKERS — NIGHT

Sandy takes care of Parisa’s injuries. “How bad is it?” Parisa asks. Sandy judges that Parisa will live, but she should learn to fight. Sandy agrees with Sylvain’s crazy idea: Parisa should take dance lessons!

MONTAGE 1: INT. DANCE LESSONS — DAY

Parisa shows how charming she is in latin rhythms: salsa, tango and samba. Yet, dance lessons leave her with a sense of avoidance and guilt.

MONTAGE 2: INT. MARTIAL ARTS LESSONS — DAY

Parisa discovers that the dance coaches are masters of Chinese Shuaijiao (wrestling) and Brazilian Capoeira.

MONTAGE 3: INT. MARTIAL ARTS LESSONS — DAY

The masters help Parisa build martial arts strengths from her cheerleader attributes: agility, coordination, sense of space-time, fast-twitch explosive muscles.

MONTAGE 4: INT. MARTIAL ARTS CAPOEIRA INSTRUMENTS — DAY

Parisa discovers a type of spurs (knives) in Maestre Oliveira collection. Maestre Oliveira’s disciple wears the spurs. Cuts a dummy´s middle section, legs, and neck. Parisa does a butterfly shuanzi jumping kick. Chops a dummy’s neck

MONTAGE 5: INT. MARTIAL ARTS: ROPE DART — DAY

Parisa observes the rope-dart. She awkwardly manipulates it. After several attempts throwing the dart and missing the target… she finally lands the dart on the bullseye.

MONTAGE 6: INT. MIXED MARTIAL LATIN — UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE

Parisa dodges punches, limbo arching back to avoid a back spinning kick. Pinned down, she kicks back from the floor Capoeira style. The opponent tumbles down. Another night, she tango steps and pins down the opponent. And another night, she locks opponent’s neck to submission… her arm gets raised — a win!

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — FEMALE LOCKERS

Sandy celebrates with Parisa her first win. Sandy wants to be a fighter, too. Parisa warns Sandy that because of her lack of training in MA, she could get hurt. Her words hit a soft spot. Sandy gets offended. Walks away.

EXT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY ROOF – NIGHT

Parisa monitors the MMA facility from top of the roof. A man “Parkour-jumps” from another building onto the roof of the MMA facility. He is PHILIP, the man who run away with her fiancé. As Parisa confronts him, THE RULER’S MEN attack them. Parisa and Philip run.

EXT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY – NEARBY STREET – CONT

A second group intervenes. They are heavily armed. The Ruler’s men run away. Philip is gone, too.

EXT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY – NEARBY STREET – CONT

The leader of the group gives Parisa a package: “This is not the antidote, but it will keep him alive.” Parisa is confused. Antidote? Badahur is not with Philip? Before she can ask any question, they’re gone.

5. Mid-Point

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — UNDERGROUND MAZE — NIGHT

Parisa searches for her fiancé. She bumps into RUTHLESS, a brawny female fighter, She threatens Parisa to death if she ever mess around with her or dares to cross her path in the octagon. Parisa gets extremely frightened.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — FEMALE LOCKERS — NIGHT

Sylvain escorts Parisa to the lockers. “Good fight. Now rest. It’s Open Fight Night. I’m going back to check the new talents.” Parisa let her body stumble on the massage table. Closes her eyes. “How bad is it?” Parisa asks. Nobody answers. “Sandy… Sandy? Sand— Oh, no!” Parisa rushes back to the octagon cage.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE — SAME TIME

It’s “Open Fight Night.” Sandy finds her way into the cage with… Ruthless. Parisa begs ringmasters to cancel that fight. Nobody listens. Ruthless kills Sandy in front of Parisa’s eyes. Parisa cries. A ringmaster says: “What? It was an accident, uh?”

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — UNDERGROUND MAZE — LATER

Philip finally gets Bahadur out of captivity. Parisa follows them close.

EXT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — NEARBY STREET

They get ambushed and imprisoned by The Ruler’s men.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2

INT. CARGO CONTAINER — NIGHT

They get transported to a secret place somewhere in the middle of the desert. On the road, Bahadur fills Parisa with all details about his abduction, the poison, Philip, and explains that breaking up was a way to protect her.

INT. CARGO CONTAINER — ONE NIGHT LATER

Parisa asks Bahadur why he uses the name Persian Warrior. Badahur describes how Persian warriors used their environment, hide in the desert sands, etc.

INT. DESERT – RULER’S PLACE – DAY

Parisa, Bahadur, and Philip step into the darkness of a dome. Augmented reality starts as they enter the cage.

INT. DESERT – RULER’S PLACE – DAY

LIONS. The cage suddenly appears in the middle of the Roman Coliseum. The Lions run towards the octagon. The cage opens up! THE LIONS… fade away.

INT. DESERT – RULER’S PLACE – DAY

THE RULER’s voice rings in every corner. His vision: this place will be the Mecca of underground MMA fights. Parisa and friends will test drive the project. If they want the antidote and their freedom, they must play and win the final match.

EXT. DESERT – RULER’S PLACE – DAY

Badahur asks the Ruler, “What if we just gave you the secret?” The Ruler laughs: “Secrets are a burden that YOU may want to get rid of. You will soon beg me to take that burden away from you. Now, let’s play.”

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

Parisa trains under the guidance of Bahadur and Philip. Bahadur asks: How do you say “help me” in French? Parisa teaches Bahadur: Aidez – moi

INT. DESERT – GUARDS TENT – NIGHT

Parisa, Bahadur and Philip are thrown into a 3:3 bareknuckle team fight. Rules change on the spot, Bahadur is too weak. Philip ends up fighting the three men. He gets defeated.

INT. DESERT – GUARDS TENT – NIGHT

Rules change. Parisa is now the prize for the three winners to hunt. The referee cuts Parisa’s t-shirt open with a knife. Parisa snatches the knife and stabs the referee. She runs away into the desert. The three men split up to hunt her.

EXT. DESERT DUNE — NIGHT

She rips off her t-shirt and attaches the knife: a makeshift rope-dart. Parisa buries herself in the dune sand.

EXT. DESERT DUNE — NIGHT

Parisa ambushes her FIRST OPPONENT, a knife-thrower assassin with FOUR knives in his hand. Parisa only has ONE knife… attached to a rope. She throws and retrieves the rope-dart using feet, elbows, and waist before her opponent can throw even once.

EXT. DESERT DUNE — CONT

Parisa rips off his clothes. Makes stripes to tie and gag him up.

Parisa produces a pair of makeshift Capoeira spurs. She attaches the knife-thrower’s knives to her ankles. Parisa buries herself in the dune sand.

EXT. DESERT DUNE — LATER

Parisa comes out of the sand. She advances with quick steps forward, each punting sand towards her SECOND OPPONENT. She takes down her second opponent using the makeshift Capoeira spurs attached to her ankles.

EXT. DESERT DUNE — CONT

Parisa rips off the clothes of her second opponent. She ties him up and uses the rest of the stripes to attach the claimed knives to her wrists. Once again, Parisa buries herself in the dune sand.

EXT. DESERT DUNE — LATER

The THIRD OPPONENT wears a LONG, THICK BRAID wrapped around his neck. He is the strongest of the three men. As if guided by a sixth sense, he thrusts his hands into the sand and digs Parisa out.

EXT. DESERT DUNE — CONT

Parisa recovers and advances with quick steps and back kick turns punting and lifting sand. She does a butterfly shuanzi kick. Cuts the braid with the spurs. Her move leaves a scratch on the opponent’s skin right above the jugular vein.

EXT. DESERT DUNE — CONT

Parisa ties and gags up the man. She rips off his clothes… except for his shirt. An AKA touches the back of Parisa’s head. “Mom says, dinner is ready. Time to go back.”

INT. DESERT – GUARDS TENT – LATER

Parisa enters the tent. She wears the shirt of her third opponent as a trophy. Guards armed with AKAs bring the defeated opponents in. The Man in a Tunic is in charge now. He orders Shanaz “The Ruler’s Favorite” to kill the three men and the referee.

7. Crisis

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

Parisa keeps training under the guidance of Bahadur and Philip. Philip wants to seduce Parisa. She rejects him.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – NIGHT

Philip figures out that by reducing Bahadur’s medicine dose, he can kill him and get Parisa.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – NIGHT BEFORE THE TOURNAMENT

Philip lures Parisa to do a prep workout with him alone. He tries to rape her. Philip admits that he wants to have her before Ruthless rips her into pieces. His words enrage Parisa. She fights back and breaks his knee.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – NIGHT BEFORE THE TOURNAMENT

The Man in a Tunic arrives to the spot where Philip lies unconscious. Guards hold Philip still. CRACK!… He puts Philip’s knee back in place.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY

Parisa fights Ruthless in the first match of the tournament. Parisa gets the upper hand. The rules change: Parisa must kill her opponent. Parisa refuses.

EXT. DESERT – OUTSIDE THE UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY

The Man in a Tunic points a gun at Bahadur. Philip does not intervene.

EXT. DESERT – OUTSIDE THE UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY

Badahur snatches the gun and fires at Ruthless, but the gun was empty. They were played on.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY

Ruthless jumps on Parisa, but she suddenly kicks her from the floor. Her move accidentally lands on Ruthless air pipe. She can’t breathe. Unaware, Parisa keeps kicking her until Ruthless falls… and remains down. Parisa whispers: What? It was an accident, uh, bitch?

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

Bahadur realizes that the tournament is part of a plan to curb their spirit.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

The three plan to steal a cellphone from a guard and send a message out.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

The plan works. Parisa prevents her fiancé to keep the device. She furtively passes it to Philip.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – CONT

The guard notices his cellphone is gone. Points his gun at Badahur, but then, he catches Philip texting and shoots him dead. 


8. Climax

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY

Bahadur is too weak to fight. Parisa enters the octagon with the “Ruler’s Favorite,” Shahnaz. She wins the antidote, but gets badly hurt. It’s the end for her.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – CONT

A DRONE SQUAD and soldiers on JET BOARDS arrive. Philip’s message went through! The Ruler is busted.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – CONT

Despair. Badahur puts aside the antidote and cuddles Parisa in his arms. The antidote is meaningless without her.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – CONT

Hope. Badahur urges paramedics to help the lifeless woman in his arms. No reaction. Badahur yells: Aidez – moi! French paramedics finally notice him. Take them away. The antidote is left behind right where Parisa collapsed.

INT. AIR AMBULANCE — SUPERNATURAL MEET — DAY

Parisa POV — A BLUR. “How bad is it?” followed by an old conversation she had with Sandy back then. “I must go back?” Parisa is confused…

INT. AIR AMBULANCE — CONT

The blur turns into military paramedics. Air ambulance crew commotion. “She’s back”, a voice says. Now Badahur realizes there’s hope, but he left the antidote behind.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

THE ANTIDOTE left behind at the extraction point. Radio static. Dispatcher transmits instructions to JET BOARD pilot. JET BOARD pilot retrieves antidote and glides away.

9. Resolution

INT. GYM — DAY

Badahur quietly rolls a wheelchair into the gym where Parisa’s old cheerleaders team rehearse. Still bruised, but recovering, Parisa shares her discovery with her former students.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Kate Hawkes]

wow! threw us right into it!

This is definitely clearer to me than the first time I read it last time round.

I like the introduction of martial arts via dancing!

and the details of the MMA fight she wins first (certainly makes me interested to see it..)

why is Ruthless so aggressive to Parisa? like the same man? (Bahadur) or just who she is.. as eg with Sandy.. or is she jealous of Parisa somehow?

seems like a bit of jump to Philip getting Bahadur out of captivity and Parisa being there..

Bit confused about the three men bit.. why didnt Parisa fight them as well after B was too weak?

not sure why the Ruler doesn’t accept the info he wants (the secret)

somehow I wonder if Ruthless and Ruler are in cahhoots..

a lot of emphasis on incredible actions and it is) but I am missing the emotional connections between them and therefore for me. so there is a danger of losing interest unless I am a hard core MMA person and like watching the fighting

any backstory on the Ruler – why? who? any connections to the others except this?

Even after Philips behaves so badly then the three came back together again – in the hope of defeating the bad guys?

some more backstory for them perhaps…

at the end Parisa is with her cheerleading crowd and Bahdahur rolls in – she didnt know he was alive? I like that

Hmm… maybe this is the theme somehow. ‘love will outlast anything’ (there ain’t no cure for love to quote Mr L Cohen)

(I am still not seeing how the ending reflects the stated theme.. )

Hell of a role for a very fit actress!

Please have a look at mine (#20 on page 2 or there abouts….) if you could.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Kate Hawkes.

[Antonio]

Hello Kate! Thank you very much for your comments. VERY helpful! Lots of food for thought!

Sorry to hear about your dentist odyssey – I’ve been there.

I’m on my way out, but I will take care of your story upon return tonight. Thanks again!

[Antonio]

.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Arthur Anderson]

Arthur’s Outline Version 1

1. List the following key components of your story:

A. Concept:

When a coronal mass ejection from the sun destroys all electronic technology on earth, six astronauts and one reporter on the international research spacecraft Reliant must adapt the experimental Tesla Shield technology that saved their spacecraft to shield humanity from a larger earth-destroying coronal mass ejection just days away.

B. Plot Choice: Underdog

C. Character Structure: Ensemble

D. Lead Characters

Reilly Ryan is a US female captain, pilot, of the international research spacecraft Reliant. Reilly worked her way up through the ranks the hard way and now must use all her skillsets to bring together an international crew to solve one of the most difficult problems anyone has ever encountered to save humanity. As the pilot and only survivor of a five-crew aborted launch and ocean crash landing four years ago, she still bears the physical as well as the emotional scars of survivor’s guilt.

Chase Douglas is a US black male first officer, co-pilot, and celestial navigation specialist. Passed over for command on this mission. He is a former Navy Top Gun fighter pilot who is smart, talented, and sometimes too ambitious.

Nico Lee is a Chinese female anti-matter propulsion specialist, Ph.D. She competed against thousands of candidates for this position which left little time for emotional interaction with other people. There is no one smarter in this field or lonelier because of it than her.

Tara Cooper is a French black female specializing in scalar wave and torsion field physics, Ph.D. An only child who worked her way through college, master’s, and her Ph.D. by working in her step-parent’s winery. She patented a frequency modulation device that reduced the aging time of the vintner’s now international best-selling wine in half which made her a small fortune. She is here because she loves her work not because she needs the money.

Diego Quinn is a Latino male life science specialist and MD, Ph.D. He is not really enamored with working in space and is more surprised than anyone that he is on this mission. His invention of an implant that monitors the body’s vitals and reactions to radiation and magnetic fields sealed the deal. He views this as a short-term assignment that will leapfrog his career in research ahead by decades.

Oleg Raykin is a Ukrainian male mechanical engineering specialist; Ph.D. Oleg would not have made it past all the political appointees vying for his spot if he had not invented the plasma field generator. It is the only known device that can contain anti-matter generation which propels the research spacecraft to near light speed. He grew up in the tough mafia-controlled neighborhoods of Moscow and does not suffer incompetence or fools.

Skyler Hardwick is a British female pool reporter chosen to broadcast special reports on the maiden voyage of the trillion-dollar international research spacecraft, Reliant, as it goes through its earth orbit testing. She used every political, financial, and bordering on blackmail of the Royal Family influence to get this assignment. She’s digging for a story deeper than the Reliant mission to propel her career to an anchor desk

E. Dramatic Question:

Will Captain Ryan be able to lead the crew of the Reliant to save the earth from the approaching extinction-level Coronal Mass Ejection from the sun?

F. Main Conflict:

The crew of the Reliant must adapt an untested Tesla shield technology to save the earth from extinction-level Coronal Mass Ejection from the sun within 48 hours.

G. Dilemma:

With no way for the crew of the Reliant to receive the necessary equipment, they need from earth to adapt their untested Tesla shield, Capt. Reilly Ryan must lead her crew on an unplanned hazardous journey to the moon to retrieve a fusion reactor from an unmanned mining moon base, adapt their Tesla shield on their return journey, and get into position to defend earth before the next Coronal Mass Ejection from the sun arrives, in just 48 hours.

H. Theme:

Humanity as a group is larger than the sum of its parts.

Structure of your screenplay (9 beats, one sentence each):

1. Opening

Pool reporter Skyler Hardwick’s live broadcast introduces the crew of the International Deep Space Research Spacecraft Reliant and their mission to test a new Tesla Space Shield for interstellar travel. The broadcast is interrupted by an emergency transmission from NASA.

2. Inciting Incident

NASA informs the Reliant a Coronal Mass Ejection that was thought to be bypassing earth, masked a larger one behind it that will hit the earth and the Reliant in six hours with an even larger earth-destroying CME 48 hours behind that one. All space stations are evacuating to earth. Capt. Reilly orders the crew to prepare for evacuation, however, the Reliant crew votes to stay with the ship and try the untested Tesla shield to save the ship.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

In a process that would normally take twelve hours, the crew scrambles to fire up the Tesla shield in six.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1

The Tesla Shield saves the crew of the Reliant, however, the electronics on earth have been knocked out. They determine the Tesla Shield may be modified to save the earth but they need another fusion reactor to power the modified shield. With no help from earth available, they will have to journey to the unmanned autonomous mining moon base to retrieve the additional reactor.

5. Mid-Point

With the other members of the crew needed to maneuver the Reliant in a sling-shot orbit around the moon, Captain Reilly must enlist the aid of the pool reporter, Skyler, to help her retrieve the reactor from the moon base. Skyler is shocked to learn the only way to get to the moon base is by crash landing the shuttle near the mining base and then using the earth return lunar payload spacecraft at the base to rendezvous with the Reliant.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2

As the crew struggles with the damaged systems of the Reliant to keep it on a sling-shot orbit around the moon, Captain Reilly and Skyler crash land the shuttle by the mining base. They discover the AI-controlled mining equipment has been damaged by the CME and is destroying the base. Barely staying ahead of the crushing mining machines, they find and load fusion reactor onto the lunar return ship. They blast off just as the AI miner hits their ship. Reilly struggles with the damaged ship to rendezvous with the Reliant.

7. Crisis

The new reactor is barely installed as the Reliant takes a position to defend the earth. However, the Tesla mask which must be extended for the shield to work is damaged and will not deploy. With every possibility explored and failed, Chase Douglas, the first officer, sneaks off to the cargo bay, suits up, and exits on the space tug.

8. Climax

The crew discovers Chase attaching the space tug to the Tesla mask. Against their vociferous protest, Chase uses the tug to extend the mask just as the CME is about to hit. With no time for him to return to the ship, he begs Reilly to engage the shield: a death sentence for him. Tearfully, Reilly puts her hand on the red engage button. The other members of the crew put their hands over hers and they all push together. The shield spreads like a lotus blossom as Chase disappears in a flash of light. The CME slams into the shield which deflects its destructive power away from the earth. The Reliant is buffeted as its systems alarms blare with overload warnings but the Tesla Shield holds and the CME safely passes by the earth.

9. Resolution

A saddened crew is surprised when NASA contacts them from Cheyenne mountain in Colorado. They have been receiving Skyler’s broadcasts throughout the Reliant’s entire adventure. NASA and the world owe them a debt of gratitude that may never be repaid. A crew will be launched within 90 days to relieve them. The crew of the reliant are no longer professional co-workers from individual countries. They are also more than friends bound together by the crucible of near-death experiences and the bonds of mutual commitment, sacrifice, and loss. They decide to honor Chase’s sacrifice by exploring deep space with the Reliant.

2. Post your “Get to the Essence” outline in the PS81 forums at

BLACKOUT

SOLAR STORM

+ ++ Opening

1. EXT SPACE

Looking at the earth with the moon in the background as a massive spaceship with two counter-rotating rings at its center ENTERS from the left side of the frame. The name Reliant is prominent on its bow.

2. INT RELIANT

International pool reporter, Skyler Hardwick takes us through the spacecraft, introducing the live audience to the Reliant’s crew. Oleg Ryakin – Ukrainian male Mechanical engineer, Ph.D. – designer of the antimatter containment field that powers the ship. Nico Lee – Chinese female anti-matter propulsion physicist, Ph.D. Tara Cooper – black French female scalar wave and Quantum physicist, Ph.D. Diego Quinn – male Hispanic life science specialist. MD. Ph.D. Chase Douglas – US black male 1st Officer and celestial navigation specialist. Ph.D. Reilly Ryan – US white female Captain and nuclear physicist, Ph.D.

3. INT RELIANT – BRIDGE

Capt. Reilly explains to Skyler that this mission is to test the new Tesla Shield. At this moment, Chase reports and emergency message from NASA has been received.

+++ Inciting Incident

4. INT COMMAND MODULE

The NASA Flight Director, Jack Stone, informs the crew of a Coronal Mass ejection from the sun is going to hit the earth with devastating effects in less than six hours. Another larger earth-destroying CME hitting in 48 hours. Orders them to abandon ship.

+++ By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

5. INT COMMAND MODULE

The crew wants to stay on the ship and try out the Tesla shield.

6. FLASHBACK SPACE SHUTTLE

Reilly has a flashback of her shuttle crash 4 years ago.

7. INT COMMAND MODULE

Reilly warns the crew of the dangers, tells them to talk it over with families and come back to vote on whether to stay or not.

8. INT NICO’S QUARTERS

Nico’s father tells her it is her duty to stay with the ship. FLASHBACK: Nico’s father compels her to fight in a martial arts competition, she wins but does not like it.

9. INT CHASE’S QUARTERS

Chase talks with his mom, dad, and sister. FLASHBACK: Chase’s dad teaches him to fly the family crop-duster.

10. INT ENGINEERING

Oleg talks with his daughter. FLASHBACK: Oleg & his wife fighting the Russian invasion force outside the Zaporizhzhia Nuclear facility, she is killed.

11. INT TARA’S QUARTERS

Tara talks with her stepparents at their vineyard. FLASHBACK: after the call, looks at a photo of them at the vineyard, morphs into a live-action scene of her Ph.D. celebration.

12. INT DR. QUINN’S QUARTERS

Dr. Quinn talks with his wife. Looking at a photo of his daughter he FLASHES back to the two of them being by her bedside as she dies of cancer.

13. INT SKYLER’S QUARTERS

Skyler talks with her soon-to-be ex-husband news anchor. FLASHBACK: BBC News Director tells Skyler she is being replaced by a younger anchor.

14. INT BRIDGE

Reilly talks to the only remaining member of her family: her dad, Buck. From a photo of her husband and daughter – FLASHBACK: Reilly runs into an emergency room; Buck tells her husband and daughter have died in an auto accident.

15. INT COMMAND MODULE

Crew votes to stay and use the shield. Skyler will be sent to earth.

16. INT RELIANT BRIDGE

NASA and Reilly approve of Skyler staying on board after her impassioned plea.

17. INT ENGINEERING

Oleg, Nico & Tara scramble to bring the fusion generator up to full power.

18. INT RELIANT (MONTAGE)

Skyler moves among the crew as they scramble to bring the Tesla Shield up to full power.

19. EXT RELIANT

A large mast begins to extend from the front and rear of the Reliant.

20. INT COMMAND MODULE

Reilly, Tara, Nico, and Quinn sit at workstations 3D presentation of the ship earth and the approaching Coronal Mass Ejection: 3 minutes to hit.

21. EXT RELIANT

Thrusters fire slowly turning the ship to face the threat.

22. INT BRIDGE

Chase confirms that he has maneuvered the ship for a head-on strike by the CME.

23. INT ENGINEERING

Oleg tells them he’s ready to test-fire the shield.

24. INT COMMAND MODULE

Reilly orders Tara to fire the shield.

25. EXT RELIANT

A burst of blue plasma engulfs the umbrella-like structure on the front of the mast shielding the ship 360 degrees.

26. INT COMMAND MODULE

A sigh of relief and cheers go up from the crew at the successful test. At that moment the countdown hits Zero.

27. EXT RELIANT

The coronal mass ejection hits the Tesla Shield and blossoms around the shield in a fiery arc trailing miles behind it.

28. INT ENGINEERING

A Klaxon begins to blare overload warnings as Oleg struggles to maintain maximum power output.

29. INT COMMAND MODULE

Nico and Tara struggle to keep the Shield power and frequency modulation in alignment as Reilly moves to the bridge.

30. INT BRIDGE

Chase is having trouble keeping the Reliant facing the CME. Reilly is going to use the shuttle’s engines to keep them in alignment. She heads to the shuttle.

31. INT COMMAND MODULE

Tara tells everyone they are taking too much side stress on the shield.

32. INT SHUTTLE

Reilly uses the shuttle’s main engine to push the Reliant back into a head-on alignment with the CME. Skyler has joined her and is terrified.

33. EXT EARTH

The Coronal Mass Ejection strikes the earth’s atmosphere pushing deeply into the protective envelope in a burst of rainbow colors.

34. MONTAGE: CME HITS MAJOR CITIES

MONTAGE: As CME hits major cities in Europe, Asia, the US. The electromagnetic pulse knocks out power, explodes transformers, and destroys all unshielded electronics. The lights of the world go out: BLACKOUT.

35. INT BRIDGE

Chase tells Reilly she is overstraining the shuttle docking coupler.

36. EXT RELIANT

The coronal mass ejection flares in one last push against the Tesla Shield.

37. INT ENGINEERING

Oleg dives behind the control panel as thousands of volts of electricity arc throughout the engine room as the fusion reactor safety circuitry shuts it down.

38. INT COMMAND MODULE

Nico yells that they are losing the shield.

39. INT SHUTTLE

Reilly kills the engines just as the CME is passing.

40. EXT RELIANT

The last remnants of the CME arc across the Reliant knocking out all the electrical systems. The CME has passed leaving the Reliant adrift.

41. INT COMMAND MODULE

Oleg calls in and tells them the fusion reactor is damaged and will not produce enough power to use the shield again, only enough to power the ship’s systems.

+++ First turning point at end of Act 1

42. EXT/INT BUCKS SILO

As soon as the electrical storm has passed a circular metal hatch opens and an antenna mast extends 30 feet into the air. Inside, Buck has fired up his shielded backup generator and is scanning radio frequencies.

43. INT COMMAND MODULE

Oleg brings power back up as Tara reports all coms with NASA and other earth stations have been lost. A staticy transmission is heard….it’s Buck!

44. INTERCUT: BUCK’S SILO & COMMAND MODULE

Reilly tells buck about reactor damage: Buck tells Reilly though no help from the earth is possible a fusion reactor is on the remote mining operation on the moon.

45. EXT RELIANT

The ship passes through FRAME over the darkened earth.

+++Mid-Point

46. INT COMMAND MODULE

The crew comes up with a plan to go to the moon to retrieve the fusion reactor.

47. INT ENGINEERING

Skyler approaches Oleg and Nico about the odds of moon mission success. Vodka is all he can offer her for encouragement.

48. INT MEDICAL BAY

Quinn tells Reilly and Tara he may be able to make a serum of stem cell replicators that will mitigate the modified shields radiation output.

49. INT BRIDGE

Chase argues with Reilly that he should be the one to take the shuttle to the moon base.

50. INT ENGINEERING

Nico preps the anti-matter drive, Oleg hits the coms button to confirm the drive is ready to go.

51. INT COMMAND MODULE

Reilly orders everyone to prepare to launch as she heads to the bridge.

52. INT ENGINEERING

Nico and Oleg buckle up in their seats overlooking the engine control panels.

53. INT BRIDGE

Reilly counts down from 5 and then hits the thrusters.

54. EXT RELIANT

The Reliant flies through the left side of FRAME the four anti-matter drive thrusters glow red and the ship darts out of FRAME into the distant black illuminated by the moon.

55. INTERCUT: BRIDGE, COMMAND MODULE, ENGINEERING

INTERCUT: among the crew as the ship accelerates with increasing G-force.

56. INT BRIDGE

Chase calls out the speed 15…17….20,000 mph. Reilly cuts the power. Reilly calls out to crew 11.9 hours to shuttle launch.

57. INT SILO

Buck taps a few keys and brings up a satellite orbiting the moon, he sees a problem.

58. EXT RELIANT

The Reliant moves toward the moon.

59. INT COMMAND MODULE

The crew reviews a 3D rendering of the mission to the moon. Buck informs them mining machines are destroying the moon base.

60. INT MEDICAL BAY

Quinn gives Skyler an inhaler for her nerves.

61. INT CAFETERIA

The crew decompresses by sharing funny stories about each other from their year of training together.

62. INT OBSERVATION DECK

We discover Chase and Nico have a relationship.

63. INT CREW QUARTERS

Reilly & Tara share a moment to reflect on how their mission has changed.

64. EXT RELIANT

The Reliant rotates 180 degrees and the Anti-Matter Drive engages to begin braking.

65. INT BRIDGE

Chase calls out the completion of the turn.

66. INT ENGINE ROOM

Nico confirms anti-matter drive thrust is nominal. Oleg confirms the fusion reactor is stable.

67. INT COMMAND MODULE

Tara looks at the 3D Projection of the slingshot orbit and confirms they are on the right track and the shuttle launch is a go. She begins a 10-second countdown.

68. INT SHUTTLE

Skyler takes a hit off the inhaler doc gave her. The countdown hits zero. Reilly hits a series of switches, and the shuttle undocks from the Reliant.

69. EXT RELIANT

The shuttle pulls away from the Reliant. As it clears the mother ship the main engines fire to slow its descent.

70. INT BRIDGE

Chase looks out the window to see the shuttle braking hard with its engines at full thrust.

71. INT SHUTTLE

Reilly calls out over the comm that number three is running hot, they are pulling 7 G’s in the deceleration. Skyler is too scared to scream.

72. INT SHUTTLE (FLASHBACK)

She orders the co-pilot to jettison the solid boosters as she shuts down the main engine. She tells everyone to hold on as she rolls the shuttle inverted.

73. EXT SHUTTLE (FLASHBACK)

It performs a 180-degree arc heading back toward the Florida space base.

74. INT SHUTTLE (FLASHBACK)

Reilly drops the gear and deploys the speed brakes to slow down but there’s just not enough time.

75. EXT SHUTTLE (FLASHBACK)

The Shuttle stalls and hits the water hard, with the left wing down it cartwheels across the water.

76. INT SHUTTLE (FLASHBACK)

The shuttle occupants are tossed around in the violent cartwheel. A warning Klaxon goes off…..

77. INT SHUTTLE

Reilly snaps back to the present day and sees the overheat light on number three. She shuts it down.

78. INT COMMAND MODULE

Tara tells Reilly she will have to burn the other two engines longer to slow down and will have less time to rotate the ship 180 for the crash landing.

79. INT SHUTTLE

Reilly hears Chase calling out the countdown of engine shut down. At zero she cuts the engines and hits the thrusters for rotation.

80. EXT SHUTTLE

The shuttle, approaching the moon stern first, flips over on its back and then rotates 180 degrees the moon rapidly approaching below.

81. INT COMMAND MODULE

Chase has joined Tara and Quinn at the 3D display. He tells Reilly she’s still going too fast.

82. INT SHUTTLE

Reilly hits the forward thrusters, drops the landing gear, and uses the rear thrusters to drag the rear wheels across the smooth, previously mined, moon surface

83. EXT MOON/ SHUTTLE

The rear wheels slam into the surface of the moon and plow two deep grooves in its surface.

84. INT SHUTTLE

Skyler screams as the vibration is twice as bad as the braking maneuver. Reilly holds the forward braking thrusters at full power until the nose suddenly slams to the ground.

85. EXT MOON/ SHUTTLE

The front and rear landing gear collapse. The shuttle continues to slide until it impacts and penetrates one of the dome-shaped structures disappearing inside.

86. INT COMMAND MODULE

All the crew sees is a massive dust cloud engulfing the entire base. And no answering call to their transmissions to the shuttle.

87. EXT SHUTTLE

An enormous mining machine with a rock-crushing grinder chews its way into the building. Reilly grabs Skyler and they barely escape the destructive grinding of the machine.

88. INT BUCK’S SILO

Buck looks at his monitor, infrared scan reveals that Reilly made it to the moon base.

89. INT RELIANT COMMAND MODULE

Tara calls to Nico, now in the engine room with Oleg, that they are not braking hard enough with the anti-matter drive.

90. INT BRIDGE

Chase is monitoring their path and determines they only have minutes to correct the problem, or they will blow past any way to sling-shot for the return to earth.

91. INT ENGINE ROOM

Nico tells the team the anti-matter drive was designed for long periods of acceleration, not short-term full power sprints, it’s losing power.

92. INT MOONBASE MINING FACILITY

Reilly and Skyler dodge car-sized ore carriers moving empty and full through the corridor leading to the reactor.

93. EXT MOON BASE REACTOR ROOM

The door is locked, Reilly pulls out an electronic box and runs it over the lock. It opens and they enter.

94. INT MOON BASE REACTOR ROOM

Reilly and Skyler discover AI-bot running reactors, it attacks Skyler, Reilly saves her.

95. INT MED BAY

Quinn gets an idea that magnetic pull could help their deceleration problem. Magnets!

96. INT BRIDGE

Magnets. Chase gets the idea and asks Tara if the frequency generation array is able to attract as well as repel.

97. INT COMMAND MODULE

Tara reconfigures the frequency array as she asks Oleg what they may use for power?

98. INT ENGINEERING

Oleg tells the team the fusion reactor is only able to run at 40% of capacity, they need 50% to power the array.

99. INT BRIDGE

Chase asks about daisy-chaining the small fusion reactor in the explorer satellite they were to deploy in deep space?

100. INT ENGINEERING

Oleg and Nico splice the satellite reactor into the fusion drive.

101. EXT RELIANT

The frequency projection array pans to the right aiming directly at the moon.

102. INT BRIDGE

Chase transmits they are 1 minute away from the point of no return.

103. INT LAUNCH BAY

Nico makes the final connection and engages the power transfer on the control panel.

104. INT ENGINEERING

Oleg plugs in the final patch relay and hits the transfer switch. It works.

105. INT COMMAND MODULE

Tara activates the frequency array and the entire ship begins to vibrate.

106. INT BRIDGE

Chase monitors the ship’s systems. Alarms begin to go off indicating in red parts of the ship that are experiencing overload stresses.

107. INT ENGINEERING

Nico and Oleg work the controls to keep both reactors in sync.

108. INT COMMAND MODULE

Tara tweaks the array as the 3D red arc slowly merges and disappears into the green arc.

109. INT BRIDGE

Chase watches the tracks emerge. Then yells for them to kill the array.

110. INT COMMAND MODULE

Tara kills the array as Oleg yells for her to wait until they uncouple the reactors.

111. INT ENGINEERING

Killing the array feedbacks into the reactor patch and an electrical surge blows Nico off the control panel and knocks her unconscious onto the floor. Oleg races to her side.

112. INT MOON BASE REACTOR ROOM

Reilly’s arm gets stuck pulling out the fusion reactor fuel cell, Skyler saves her.

113. INT MED BAY

Nico is on the med-bed unconscious as Chase, Tara, and Oleg watch. Tara and Oleg discover Chase and Nico are in a relationship.

114. EXT MOONBASE

Reilly and Skyler see a mining rig headed for the earth return rocket; their ride home.

115. INT BUCK’S SILO

Buck sees the miner heading for the earth return rocket. He types commands into his keyboard.

116. INTERCUT BRIDGE, COMMAND MODULE & ENGINEERING

Chase counts down from 5 and the team engages the thrusters 30 to complete the sling-shot.

117. EXT MOON/ EARTH RETURN ROCKET

Reilly and Skyler struggle to get the reactor into the ship as the miner is approaching them.

118. EXT MOON/ POV FROM SPACE

We see the earth return rocket about to be destroyed by the miner as a satellite impacts and destroys the miner in a giant explosion.

119. INT EARTH RETURN ROCKET

The explosion rocks the ship violently. Reilly hits the launch button and the ship’s rockets fire lifting them into space.

120. INT BUCK’S SILO

Buck breathes a giant sigh of relief as we see on his monitor that he redirected the path of the satellite to collide with the miner, saving Reilly and Skyler.

++ Second turning point at end of Act 2

121. INT BRIDGE

Tara, in the copilot’s seat, confirms the radar lock-on Reilly’s rocket as Chase radios Oleg to open the shuttle door and stand by for rendezvous.

122. INT SHUTTLE BAY

Oleg in his spacesuit hits a button. The shuttle bay decompresses, and the large door opens, revealing a retreating moon behind them.

123. INT EARTH RETURN ROCKET

Reilly sees the Reliant ahead. Reilly applies full foreword thrusters to slow them down. She explains this ship was designed for earth return, not docking.

124. INT BRIDGE

Tara tells Chase they need to speed up now or Reilly’s ship will but them like a torpedo.

Oleg gives Chase the OK to use fusion drive for a short burst. Chase engages the drive and pushes the throttle wide-open.

125. INT EARTH RETURN ROCKET

Reilly calls “out of fuel” for thrusters as they zoom toward the shuttle bay. Suddenly, the Reliant bolts ahead with the fusion thrusters wide-open.

126. EXT RELIANT

The Reliant moves quickly ahead with Reilly’s ship about to impact the shuttle bay. Its speed is just enough for Reilly’s ship to enter the shuttle bay.

127. INT BRIDGE

Oleg reports overheat indications on the fusion reactor. Chase calls out engine shut down as he pulls back the throttles.

128. INT SHUTTLE BAY

A catch net stops the ship inches from Oleg.

129. INT EARTH RETURN ROCKET

Skyler is taking a hit-off doc’s inhaler. Reilly asks if she’s OK. Skyler replies that it’s nothing a change of underwear won’t fix.

130. INT BRIDGE

Chase and Tara share a look of relief. On the radio: tells Reilly she just set the record for the most crash landings in space in one day.

131. INT EARTH RETURN ROCKET

Reilly radios to everyone to get ready for anti-matter drive firing to head back to earth. Chase tells her about Nico’s injury and their inability to fire it without her.

132. INT MED BAY

Nico is weak from her injuries, however, refuses to stay put and will fire off the anti-matter drive.

133. INT ENGINEERING

Oleg stands by Nico, a little shaky on her feet, as she fires up the anti-matter drive.

134. INT COMMAND MODULE

Tara monitors the Reliant on the 3D display with Quinn and Skyler watching.

135. INT BRIDGE

Chase counts down ignition from 5 seconds. Reilly hit the ignition button and throttles the anti-matter drive up.

136. INT ENGINEERING

Nico and Oleg’s fingers dance across their keyboard balancing the of firing the anti-matter drive engine.

137. INT COMMAND MODULE

Tara monitors the Reliant’s 3D projection trajectory toward the earth. When they reach 25,000 mph she calls for engine shutdown.

138. INT BRIDGE

Chase cuts the throttles; however, nothing happens. She radios Nico.

139. INT ENGINEERING

Chase radios they are going to miss earth, Oleg picks up a large pipe, walks over to the coupler, and hits it as hard as he can. There is a large clunk and the engine shuts down.

140. INT COMMAND MODULE

The crew is updated by Buck about chaos on earth and then they review the plan for deploying the modified Tesla shield.

141. MONTAGE: COMMAND MODULE/ENGINEERING/BRIDGE

MONTAGE:

BRIDGE – Reilly and Chase work on programming the Reliant for the braking maneuver and pin-point positioning for firing the shield

ENGINEERING – Oleg and Nico secure the additional reactor and run jumper cables to the main power junction box assisted by Skyler.

COMMAND MODULE – Tara is having problems with the frequency generator.

INT MED LAB – Quinn pulls a vial out of a torsion field generation device. The liquid inside is electroluminescent.

142. INT CREW MESS

Quinn injects crew with anti-radiation serum. Tara confides to Reilly that she still has not found the resonate frequency to make the expanded shield work.

143. MONTAGE: CREW QUARTERS

MED BAY- Quinn looks at his last vid com with his family.

ENGINEERING – Oleg looks down at the swirling vortex the fusion reactor is creating in its plasma containment chamber as he looks at a picture of his wife and daughter.

OBSERVATION DECK – Chase and Nico hold hands and then kiss against the starscape swirling around them.

INT CREW QUARTERS – Skyler is playing back the video journal has been making of their journey. The editing scenes with music are powerful and emotional. Tears unexpectedly run down her face.

INT BRIDGE – Reilly talks with Buck on the ham radio expressing her misgivings about what they are attempting – Buck comforts her with the fact all is not determined by random acts but by the hand of a divine creator and He does not make mistakes.

COMMAND MODULE- Tara is at her wit’s end trying to figure out the new frequency for the extended shield. She puts her head back in her chair and drifts into a fitful sleep…dreams.

FLASHBACK – Tara, 8 yrs old, throws a rock into a pond. It creates a series of waves that expand from small to very large.

PRESENT: Tara’s head snaps off the headrest back into the present. The dream is the answer to the resonant frequency generator.

144. EXT RELIANT

The ship begins to rotate 180 degrees. THE CAMERA stays with the rear of the ship as the anti-matter drive fires.

145. INT COMMAND MODULE

Quinn sits next to Tara with the 3D representation of the Reliant, earth, and the approaching earth-killing coronal mass ejection. She radios to the crew they are T-30 mins to impact.

146. INT ENGINEERING

Reilly calls for an anti-matter drive shut down. Nico pulls back on the anti-matter drive power, while Oleg preps the fusion reactors for the shield.

147. INT BRIDGE

Reilly initiates the 180-degree roll of the Reliant to face the approaching CME, Skyler watches from behind them. As soon as the roll is completed, Reilly calls for Tara to deploy the Tesla mast.

+++ Crisis

148. INT COMMAND MODULE

The Tesla mast won’t deploy. Chase didn’t check it when it was stressed in sling-shot maneuver and he blames himself.

149. INT SHUTTLE HANGAR

Chase moves quickly to the space tug near the hanger door and gets inside. The hangar door opens the engine’s fire and he off.

150. EXT RELIANT -BRIDGE/ MAST MODULE

The space tug flies over the top of the reliant, does an inside loop, and stops in front of the stuck mast. Chase deploys the grappling arms and wraps them around the three-foot ball at the top of the mast.

151. INT SPACE TUG

Chase fires the engines full throttle and the mast begins to jerk and barely move.

152. INT COMMAND MODULE

The crew discovers Chase is deploying mast with the space tug. There won’t be time for him to return before CME hits. Reilly and Nico beg him to return.

153. INT SPACE TUG

Chase tells him that will only save themselves, not the earth. That is the mission and it’s his fault for not testing the mast earlier.

+++ Climax

154. INT COMMAND MODULE

Reilly orders Oleg to fire up the fusion reactors to full power. This is a death sentence for Chase. Tara call out 30 seconds to impact. Oleg brings the reactors up to full power.

155. EXT SPACE TUG

The mast finally locks it into position as the tug runs out of fuel.

156. INT COMMAND MODULE

Reilly’s hand hovers over the large red shield deployment button. Nico takes the choice from her and presses the button as she looks into Chase’s eyes on the monitor.

157. EXT RELIANT

The space tug is engulfed in a blast of white light followed by the Tesla shield deploying like a giant umbrella around the ship. It’s width wide enough to cover the earth.

158. INT COMMAND MODULE

At this moment the Coronal Mass Ejection hits the ship. Tara struggles with the frequency modulator to reinforce the shield. Nico fires up the anti-matter drive routes power to the shield against Oleg’s complaint it has never been tested.

159. EXT RELIANT

The shield is white-hot and is beginning to buckle.

160. INT COMMAND MODULE

At first, it seems to be making things worst, then the entire ship vibrates and the shield expands against the opposing force and holds: the anti-matter drive is working.

161. EXT RELIANT

The shield extends into the CME and then it is over.

162. INT COMMAND MODULE

As quickly as it started the CME is passed. Reilly calls for a shutdown of the shield and Tara, Oleg and Nico work to bring down the power levels.

163. EXT RELIANT

The shield disappears as the end of the mast glows white-hot.

165. INT COMMAND MODULE

The crew looks out the window at the shattered space tug that holds Chase’s lifeless body.

+++ Resolution

166. EXT RELIANT

A space tug emerges from the back of the Reliant and quickly makes its way to Chases, grabs the disabled tug, and takes it to the rear of the Reliant.

167. INT HANGER BAY

The crew in spacesuits, place their flight wings on Chase’s space pod and launch him into space.

168. INT COMMAND MODULE

Jack Stone and Buck are on the vidscreen showing the crew the world celebration of being saved by them. It will be several months before a rescue ship with a replacement crew will be able to relieve them.

169. INT OBSERVATION DECK

The crew looks out into space and decides the best way to honor Chase’s sacrifice is to use the months they have to explore deep space.

170. EXT RELIANT

The counter-rotating rings of the Reliant glow bright blue, the anti-matter engines fire a long tongue of blue plasma, and the Reliant speeds off toward the distant planets ahead of it.

THE END

[Cameron Martin]

A. Concept:

When a coronal mass ejection from the sun destroys all electronic technology on earth, six astronauts and one reporter on the international research spacecraft Reliant must adapt the experimental Tesla Shield technology that saved their spacecraft to shield humanity from a larger earth-destroying coronal mass ejection just days away.

A quick Google search shows we’re in Roland Emmerich/Michael Bay territory with your concept involving CME’s, but I love convoluted sci-fi logic where I can turn my brain off end enjoy a roller coaster ride of a movie. ARMAGEDDON is one of my favorite guilty pleasure flicks, right up there with PACIFIC RIM.

B. Plot Choice: Underdog

Man versus nature, or in this case the sun. Yeah, it works.

C. Character Structure: Ensemble

No doubt.

D. Lead Characters

Reilly Ryan is a US female captain, pilot, of the international research spacecraft Reliant. Reilly worked her way up through the ranks the hard way and now must use all her skillsets to bring together an international crew to solve one of the most difficult problems anyone has ever encountered to save humanity. As the pilot and only survivor of a five-crew aborted launch and ocean crash landing four years ago, she still bears the physical as well as the emotional scars of survivor’s guilt.

Chase Douglas is a US black male first officer, co-pilot, and celestial navigation specialist. Passed over for command on this mission. He is a former Navy Top Gun fighter pilot who is smart, talented, and sometimes too ambitious.

Nico Lee is a Chinese female anti-matter propulsion specialist, Ph.D. She competed against thousands of candidates for this position which left little time for emotional interaction with other people. There is no one smarter in this field or lonelier because of it than her.

Tara Cooper is a French black female specializing in scalar wave and torsion field physics, Ph.D. An only child who worked her way through college, master’s, and her Ph.D. by working in her step-parent’s winery. She patented a frequency modulation device that reduced the aging time of the vintner’s now international best-selling wine in half which made her a small fortune. She is here because she loves her work not because she needs the money.

Diego Quinn is a Latino male life science specialist and MD, Ph.D. He is not really enamored with working in space and is more surprised than anyone that he is on this mission. His invention of an implant that monitors the body’s vitals and reactions to radiation and magnetic fields sealed the deal. He views this as a short-term assignment that will leapfrog his career in research ahead by decades.

Oleg Raykin is a Ukrainian male mechanical engineering specialist; Ph.D. Oleg would not have made it past all the political appointees vying for his spot if he had not invented the plasma field generator. It is the only known device that can contain anti-matter generation which propels the research spacecraft to near light speed. He grew up in the tough mafia-controlled neighborhoods of Moscow and does not suffer incompetence or fools.

Skyler Hardwick is a British female pool reporter chosen to broadcast special reports on the maiden voyage of the trillion-dollar international research spacecraft, Reliant, as it goes through its earth orbit testing. She used every political, financial, and bordering on blackmail of the Royal Family influence to get this assignment. She’s digging for a story deeper than the Reliant mission to propel her career to an anchor desk

Here’s what I’ll say about the characters. I think it’s great that you have so much background on them. I’m much more interested, however, in what they do. Everyone’s different, and I’m by no means an authority on compelling characters, as I’m finding out through these feedback exchanges. But when I read excessive character bios, I lose track of what the character is about, and they all just…kind of blur together. Maybe that’s just me, though. I guess what I’m trying to say is it may be helpful to do one of two things. You can separate what the character is about from the bio (using Skyler Hardwick as an example: Skyler Hardwick (British Reporter) is digging for a story deeper than the Reliant mission to propel her career to her dream job – an anchor. <separate paragraph> She is a reporter chosen on the maiden voyage of the Reliant, a trillion dollar international research spacecraft, as it goes through its earth orbit testing. To get the job, she borderline blackmailed the Royal Family). This is giving us the same information as before, but is a little more efficient in the delivery, and edits out any redundancies. Skyler, as a British citizen, blackmailing the Royal Family gives us way more insight into who she is than anything else. Just be sure to follow through on the promise this sets up. I’d be sorely disappointed if Skylar was advertised as being ruthless, only for her to serve in a predominantly supportive role with little regard for her opinions on the matter. Alternatively, you could just give us her subplot in one to two sentences. That advertises what kind of character we’re dealing with as much as the former. Either way you choose to take it naturally drives us to want to know more about a character and how she became the way she is when we meet her in the story, not the other way around where we learn everything about what got her to this point before we even know what or who the character is.

E. Dramatic Question:

Will Captain Ryan be able to lead the crew of the Reliant to save the earth from the approaching extinction-level Coronal Mass Ejection from the sun?

Solid, as long as the audience doesn’t look up the myriad of news sources that say CME’s can’t destroy the earth or cause extinction level events. If they do, it’s not a problem so long as the story maintains a level of fun and irreverence to logic. ARMAGEDDON does this well. Sure, asteroids hitting the earth is nothing new, and we’re all well aware this is a real possibility. But sending roughnecks into space to drill and blow their load deep into an asteroid’s hole (Yes, I’m aware of the imagery and metaphor, and so is Michael Bay) is pure ridiculousness that allows us as the audience to sit back and pay attention to the crazy cast of characters instead of the science. If you took ARMAGEDDON’s wacky premise and gave it to Christopher Nolan or Stanley Kubrick, instead of the testosterone charged mind of Michael Bay, the film would loose its charm along with the credibility that it never had to begin with. I’m bringing this up because tone matters a lot, and if you try to balance the crazy with the serious, you’ll lose both. Looking ahead to the 9 Plot Points, there’s some fun and wacky stuff that happens, and the sentimentality feels on point. So if the intent is to come up with a Roland Emmerich style of film, keep leaning into the “escalating nonsense” (CineFix’s “Roland Emmerich and the Art of Escalating Nonsense” on YouTube). If the eventual goal is to end up with something heartfelt and serious (like ARIVAL or 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY) then it may be a good idea to scale back the level of destruction to something more cerebral or economic while you’re still in the early stages of this concept; like if the task of the Reliant’s crew wasn’t to save the earth from an extinction level event, but to save the earth from being sent back to the 1800’s technology wise, or how a global meltdown of wireless and satellite communication leads to international turmoil, and the crew of the Reliant is a microcosm of the conflicts happening hundreds of miles below them.

Side note; I know I brought up Nolan instead of Villeneuve who directed ARIVAL. I think Nolan’s INTERSTELLAR is a perfect example of film that advertises heavily that it’s scientifically accurate, only for it to jump the shark when the lead character, from NASA and knows better, plans to dive into a black hole, and he actually survives the gravity inducing spaghettification.

F. Main Conflict:

The crew of the Reliant must adapt an untested Tesla shield technology to save the earth from extinction-level Coronal Mass Ejection from the sun within 48 hours.

As above, so below…Magic shields and all.

G. Dilemma:

With no way for the crew of the Reliant to receive the necessary equipment, they need from earth to adapt their untested Tesla shield, Capt. Reilly Ryan must lead her crew on an unplanned hazardous journey to the moon to retrieve a fusion reactor from an unmanned mining moon base, adapt their Tesla shield on their return journey, and get into position to defend earth before the next Coronal Mass Ejection from the sun arrives, in just 48 hours.

Love it. Ticking clock, check. Simple objective and first half journey, check. Second half “flip the script,” check. Kicking the sun’s ass with the moon (old school myths coming to life), check. love it, love it, love it.

H. Theme:

Humanity as a group is larger than the sum of its parts.

Beast. I’m so stoked by this theme. I love the optimism.

Structure of your screenplay (9 beats, one sentence each):

1. Opening

Pool reporter Skyler Hardwick’s live broadcast introduces the crew of the International Deep Space Research Spacecraft Reliant and their mission to test a new Tesla Space Shield for interstellar travel. The broadcast is interrupted by an emergency transmission from NASA.

2. Inciting Incident

NASA informs the Reliant a Coronal Mass Ejection that was thought to be bypassing earth, masked a larger one behind it that will hit the earth and the Reliant in six hours with an even larger earth-destroying CME 48 hours behind that one. All space stations are evacuating to earth. Capt. Reilly orders the crew to prepare for evacuation, however, the Reliant crew votes to stay with the ship and try the untested Tesla shield to save the ship.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

In a process that would normally take twelve hours, the crew scrambles to fire up the Tesla shield in six.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1

The Tesla Shield saves the crew of the Reliant, however, the electronics on earth have been knocked out. They determine the Tesla Shield may be modified to save the earth but they need another fusion reactor to power the modified shield. With no help from earth available, they will have to journey to the unmanned autonomous mining moon base to retrieve the additional reactor.

5. Mid-Point

With the other members of the crew needed to maneuver the Reliant in a sling-shot orbit around the moon, Captain Reilly must enlist the aid of the pool reporter, Skyler, to help her retrieve the reactor from the moon base. Skyler is shocked to learn the only way to get to the moon base is by crash landing the shuttle near the mining base and then using the earth return lunar payload spacecraft at the base to rendezvous with the Reliant.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2

As the crew struggles with the damaged systems of the Reliant to keep it on a sling-shot orbit around the moon, Captain Reilly and Skyler crash land the shuttle by the mining base. They discover the AI-controlled mining equipment has been damaged by the CME and is destroying the base. Barely staying ahead of the crushing mining machines, they find and load fusion reactor onto the lunar return ship. They blast off just as the AI miner hits their ship. Reilly struggles with the damaged ship to rendezvous with the Reliant.

7. Crisis

The new reactor is barely installed as the Reliant takes a position to defend the earth. However, the Tesla mask which must be extended for the shield to work is damaged and will not deploy. With every possibility explored and failed, Chase Douglas, the first officer, sneaks off to the cargo bay, suits up, and exits on the space tug.

8. Climax

The crew discovers Chase attaching the space tug to the Tesla mask. Against their vociferous protest, Chase uses the tug to extend the mask just as the CME is about to hit. With no time for him to return to the ship, he begs Reilly to engage the shield: a death sentence for him. Tearfully, Reilly puts her hand on the red engage button. The other members of the crew put their hands over hers and they all push together. The shield spreads like a lotus blossom as Chase disappears in a flash of light. The CME slams into the shield which deflects its destructive power away from the earth. The Reliant is buffeted as its systems alarms blare with overload warnings but the Tesla Shield holds and the CME safely passes by the earth.

9. Resolution

A saddened crew is surprised when NASA contacts them from Cheyenne mountain in Colorado. They have been receiving Skyler’s broadcasts throughout the Reliant’s entire adventure. NASA and the world owe them a debt of gratitude that may never be repaid. A crew will be launched within 90 days to relieve them. The crew of the reliant are no longer professional co-workers from individual countries. They are also more than friends bound together by the crucible of near-death experiences and the bonds of mutual commitment, sacrifice, and loss. They decide to honor Chase’s sacrifice by exploring deep space with the Reliant.

While I absolutely understand the complexity of the world that naturally goes along with the Sci-Fi genre, you need to get your plot points down to one sentence. Believe me, I know it’s freaking frustrating to try to fit so much context into one sentence. The problem is that when there’s too much included in the plot beat, you risk losing the powerful punch that can come from a turning point; it gets lost in the minutiae of context stacked upon context. When reading these, I think you’re on target for what each plot point should do. You just need to excise the excess information.

For reference, I’ve included the following examples in case it helps to have a comparison. The first half of the story is self explanatory with the setup, call to adventure, and initial fun and games. Virtually nobody messes this part up unless they have a passive protagonist that has to be told and lead to their threshold like a sheep, so I didn’t bother including examples for those beats:

Midpoint of a story structurally is where the story turns on its head (TOY STORY – Woody and Buzz are still trying to get home, but now they’re stuck in Sid’s house (potential danger to real danger). ALIENS – Ripley and the Marines go from being on offense to the defensive and getting the hell out. GLADIATOR – Maximus enters the Colosseum and reveals himself to Commodus. FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING – Frodo takes on the permanent of role of Ring Bearer). The second turning point of Act 2 is structurally the “All is Lost” and “Dark Night of the Soul” part of the story. It’s where things get “real” and all measures must be taken to assure victory (TOY STORY – Buzz is strapped to a rocket and will explode tomorrow morning. ALIENS – Newt is captured and the only one left who can go after her is Ripley. GLADIATOR – Maximus’ escape plot fails, and his allies are either arrested or killed. FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING – Gandalf dies, thus initiating the collapse of the Fellowship). The Crisis is where the true gravity of the situation comes into play or a critical rule must be broken (TOY STORY – Buzz isn’t freed in time, prompting the toys break their number 1 rule. ALIENS – We see the alien queen for the first time, and she goes after Ripley and Newt. GLADIATOR – Commodus stabs Maximus, mortally wounding him and placing him at a critical disadvantage. FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING – Boromir turns on Frodo, prompting Frodo to wear the ring, which announces to the forces of Mordor exactly where he is). The Climax is where the story’s theme comes into play through life or death (literally or figuratively) action (TOY STORY – Buzz and Woody escape Sid’s house and Buzz magically flies when he commits himself to being Andy’s toy. ALIENS – two mothers battle it out over the love/loss of their children. GLADIATOR – Maximus kills Commodus and returns Rome to its roots as a republic run by the people, rather than greedily possessed by an emperor. FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING – Aragorn entrusts the ring to Frodo and allows him to go, before fighting with the remainder of the fellowship to protect him and the other hobbits who can’t protect themselves.) The Resolution is returning to the status quo, but changed, whether for the better or for worse (TOY STORY – Woody and Buzz are back in Andy’s room doing recon on new toys, just like at the beginning of the story. ALIENS – Ripley is back to sleep again, but the nightmare is over. GLADIATOR – Maximus departs for Elysium to be with his wife and son again. FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING – It’s down to Sam and Frodo again, just like how they started their journey).

2. Post your “Get to the Essence” outline in the PS81 forums at

General Note: Get the scenes down to one to two sentences, and ensure each scene turns. Referencing Robert McKee’s “Story,” a scene is an event that shifts the emotional polarity of the moment from the positive to the negative, vice versa, or from positive to more positive or negative to more negative. Doing this will help to keep your story from feeling stagnant and give each moment something that will keep the audience engaged. An amazing breakdown of Robert McKee’s philosophy on scene structure, if you’re interested, can be found in the YouTube channel’s “Just Write” analysis of the anime, DEATH NOTE (name of the video is “Death Note: How to Write Binge-Worthy Television”). Also, a scene typically averages about 2 pages, meaning there’s usually 40-60 scenes in any given movie (80-120 pages). You have 170 “scenes” listed. Some of these can more accurately be called story “beats” that make up the totality of a scene. As Hal mentioned in this assignment, a lot of future assignments are going to require going into greater detail with your outline by writing out the full scenes, and the initial establishing shot in your opening won’t take up more space on the first page of your script than what you’ve already written down in your outline.

BLACKOUT

SOLAR STORM

+ ++ Opening

1. EXT SPACE

Looking at the earth with the moon in the background as a massive spaceship with two counter-rotating rings at its center ENTERS from the left side of the frame. The name Reliant is prominent on its bow.

2. INT RELIANT

International pool reporter, Skyler Hardwick takes us through the spacecraft, introducing the live audience to the Reliant’s crew. Oleg Ryakin – Ukrainian male Mechanical engineer, Ph.D. – designer of the antimatter containment field that powers the ship. Nico Lee – Chinese female anti-matter propulsion physicist, Ph.D. Tara Cooper – black French female scalar wave and Quantum physicist, Ph.D. Diego Quinn – male Hispanic life science specialist. MD. Ph.D. Chase Douglas – US black male 1st Officer and celestial navigation specialist. Ph.D. Reilly Ryan – US white female Captain and nuclear physicist, Ph.D.

3. INT RELIANT – BRIDGE

Capt. Reilly explains to Skyler that this mission is to test the new Tesla Shield. At this moment, Chase reports and emergency message from NASA has been received.

+++ Inciting Incident

4. INT COMMAND MODULE

The NASA Flight Director, Jack Stone, informs the crew of a Coronal Mass ejection from the sun is going to hit the earth with devastating effects in less than six hours. Another larger earth-destroying CME hitting in 48 hours. Orders them to abandon ship.

Man, this happened fast. Some setup leading up to this would help the payoff of the sun dooming earth and it’s inhabitants from being so jarring. In ARMAGEDDON, asteroids “the size of basketballs” hit New York before NASA finds out about the “planet killer.” In VOLCANO, earthquakes and other mysteries give clues as to what’s about to erupt under LA. Appetizers preparing the palate for the main course.

+++ By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

5. INT COMMAND MODULE

The crew wants to stay on the ship and try out the Tesla shield.

6. FLASHBACK SPACE SHUTTLE

Reilly has a flashback of her shuttle crash 4 years ago.

I know I’m only a little ways into this, but I feel I have to say be careful of flashbacks. They can very easily turn into crutches to cover up structure problems in a script by providing an action a character made in the past, instead of giving us a conflict for the character to solve in the present. Past conflicts don’t engage us as much as present conflicts. Made this mistake before, and all it did was apply lipstick to a pig, rather than fix the actual problems that existed within my script.

7. INT COMMAND MODULE

Reilly warns the crew of the dangers, tells them to talk it over with families and come back to vote on whether to stay or not.

8. INT NICO’S QUARTERS

Nico’s father tells her it is her duty to stay with the ship. FLASHBACK: Nico’s father compels her to fight in a martial arts competition, she wins but does not like it.

9. INT CHASE’S QUARTERS

Chase talks with his mom, dad, and sister. FLASHBACK: Chase’s dad teaches him to fly the family crop-duster.

10. INT ENGINEERING

Oleg talks with his daughter. FLASHBACK: Oleg & his wife fighting the Russian invasion force outside the Zaporizhzhia Nuclear facility, she is killed.

11. INT TARA’S QUARTERS

Tara talks with her stepparents at their vineyard. FLASHBACK: after the call, looks at a photo of them at the vineyard, morphs into a live-action scene of her Ph.D. celebration.

12. INT DR. QUINN’S QUARTERS

Dr. Quinn talks with his wife. Looking at a photo of his daughter he FLASHES back to the two of them being by her bedside as she dies of cancer.

13. INT SKYLER’S QUARTERS

Skyler talks with her soon-to-be ex-husband news anchor. FLASHBACK: BBC News Director tells Skyler she is being replaced by a younger anchor.

14. INT BRIDGE

Reilly talks to the only remaining member of her family: her dad, Buck. From a photo of her husband and daughter – FLASHBACK: Reilly runs into an emergency room; Buck tells her husband and daughter have died in an auto accident.

Seven flashbacks in a row. That’ll add up to at least 14 pages (half a typical first act) and we’re not out of the “Debating the Call / Meeting with the Mentor” story beats. We’ve started 0-60mph, then immediately stalled on the side of the road for a tuneup.

15. INT COMMAND MODULE

Crew votes to stay and use the shield. Skyler will be sent to earth.

16. INT RELIANT BRIDGE

NASA and Reilly approve of Skyler staying on board after her impassioned plea.

17. INT ENGINEERING

Oleg, Nico & Tara scramble to bring the fusion generator up to full power.

18. INT RELIANT (MONTAGE)

Skyler moves among the crew as they scramble to bring the Tesla Shield up to full power.

19. EXT RELIANT

A large mast begins to extend from the front and rear of the Reliant.

20. INT COMMAND MODULE

Reilly, Tara, Nico, and Quinn sit at workstations 3D presentation of the ship earth and the approaching Coronal Mass Ejection: 3 minutes to hit.

21. EXT RELIANT

Thrusters fire slowly turning the ship to face the threat.

22. INT BRIDGE

Chase confirms that he has maneuvered the ship for a head-on strike by the CME.

23. INT ENGINEERING

Oleg tells them he’s ready to test-fire the shield.

24. INT COMMAND MODULE

Reilly orders Tara to fire the shield.

25. EXT RELIANT

A burst of blue plasma engulfs the umbrella-like structure on the front of the mast shielding the ship 360 degrees.

26. INT COMMAND MODULE

A sigh of relief and cheers go up from the crew at the successful test. At that moment the countdown hits Zero.

27. EXT RELIANT

The coronal mass ejection hits the Tesla Shield and blossoms around the shield in a fiery arc trailing miles behind it.

28. INT ENGINEERING

A Klaxon begins to blare overload warnings as Oleg struggles to maintain maximum power output.

29. INT COMMAND MODULE

Nico and Tara struggle to keep the Shield power and frequency modulation in alignment as Reilly moves to the bridge.

30. INT BRIDGE

Chase is having trouble keeping the Reliant facing the CME. Reilly is going to use the shuttle’s engines to keep them in alignment. She heads to the shuttle.

31. INT COMMAND MODULE

Tara tells everyone they are taking too much side stress on the shield.

32. INT SHUTTLE

Reilly uses the shuttle’s main engine to push the Reliant back into a head-on alignment with the CME. Skyler has joined her and is terrified.

33. EXT EARTH

The Coronal Mass Ejection strikes the earth’s atmosphere pushing deeply into the protective envelope in a burst of rainbow colors.

34. MONTAGE: CME HITS MAJOR CITIES

MONTAGE: As CME hits major cities in Europe, Asia, the US. The electromagnetic pulse knocks out power, explodes transformers, and destroys all unshielded electronics. The lights of the world go out: BLACKOUT.

Just want to say this was a fun sequence of events. Reads very fast paced.

35. INT BRIDGE

Chase tells Reilly she is overstraining the shuttle docking coupler.

36. EXT RELIANT

The coronal mass ejection flares in one last push against the Tesla Shield.

37. INT ENGINEERING

Oleg dives behind the control panel as thousands of volts of electricity arc throughout the engine room as the fusion reactor safety circuitry shuts it down.

38. INT COMMAND MODULE

Nico yells that they are losing the shield.

39. INT SHUTTLE

Reilly kills the engines just as the CME is passing.

40. EXT RELIANT

The last remnants of the CME arc across the Reliant knocking out all the electrical systems. The CME has passed leaving the Reliant adrift.

41. INT COMMAND MODULE

Oleg calls in and tells them the fusion reactor is damaged and will not produce enough power to use the shield again, only enough to power the ship’s systems.

+++ First turning point at end of Act 1

42. EXT/INT BUCKS SILO

As soon as the electrical storm has passed a circular metal hatch opens and an antenna mast extends 30 feet into the air. Inside, Buck has fired up his shielded backup generator and is scanning radio frequencies.

43. INT COMMAND MODULE

Oleg brings power back up as Tara reports all coms with NASA and other earth stations have been lost. A staticy transmission is heard….it’s Buck!

44. INTERCUT: BUCK’S SILO & COMMAND MODULE

Reilly tells buck about reactor damage: Buck tells Reilly though no help from the earth is possible a fusion reactor is on the remote mining operation on the moon.

45. EXT RELIANT

The ship passes through FRAME over the darkened earth.

+++Mid-Point

46. INT COMMAND MODULE

The crew comes up with a plan to go to the moon to retrieve the fusion reactor.

47. INT ENGINEERING

Skyler approaches Oleg and Nico about the odds of moon mission success. Vodka is all he can offer her for encouragement.

48. INT MEDICAL BAY

Quinn tells Reilly and Tara he may be able to make a serum of stem cell replicators that will mitigate the modified shields radiation output.

49. INT BRIDGE

Chase argues with Reilly that he should be the one to take the shuttle to the moon base.

50. INT ENGINEERING

Nico preps the anti-matter drive, Oleg hits the coms button to confirm the drive is ready to go.

51. INT COMMAND MODULE

Reilly orders everyone to prepare to launch as she heads to the bridge.

52. INT ENGINEERING

Nico and Oleg buckle up in their seats overlooking the engine control panels.

53. INT BRIDGE

Reilly counts down from 5 and then hits the thrusters.

54. EXT RELIANT

The Reliant flies through the left side of FRAME the four anti-matter drive thrusters glow red and the ship darts out of FRAME into the distant black illuminated by the moon.

Quick note: You don’t need to tell me about the FRAME, if by “FRAME” you’re referring the picture frame. At best, a cinematographer will know what you’re talking about, read and understand it intuitively, then make up his/her own mind about how to shoot regardless of what the script says. At worst, nobody else will see it when they read it, and it’ll take them out of the story.

55. INTERCUT: BRIDGE, COMMAND MODULE, ENGINEERING

INTERCUT: among the crew as the ship accelerates with increasing G-force.

56. INT BRIDGE

Chase calls out the speed 15…17….20,000 mph. Reilly cuts the power. Reilly calls out to crew 11.9 hours to shuttle launch.

57. INT SILO

Buck taps a few keys and brings up a satellite orbiting the moon, he sees a problem.

58. EXT RELIANT

The Reliant moves toward the moon.

59. INT COMMAND MODULE

The crew reviews a 3D rendering of the mission to the moon. Buck informs them mining machines are destroying the moon base.

60. INT MEDICAL BAY

Quinn gives Skyler an inhaler for her nerves.

61. INT CAFETERIA

The crew decompresses by sharing funny stories about each other from their year of training together.

62. INT OBSERVATION DECK

We discover Chase and Nico have a relationship.

63. INT CREW QUARTERS

Reilly & Tara share a moment to reflect on how their mission has changed.

64. EXT RELIANT

The Reliant rotates 180 degrees and the Anti-Matter Drive engages to begin braking.

65. INT BRIDGE

Chase calls out the completion of the turn.

66. INT ENGINE ROOM

Nico confirms anti-matter drive thrust is nominal. Oleg confirms the fusion reactor is stable.

67. INT COMMAND MODULE

Tara looks at the 3D Projection of the slingshot orbit and confirms they are on the right track and the shuttle launch is a go. She begins a 10-second countdown.

68. INT SHUTTLE

Skyler takes a hit off the inhaler doc gave her. The countdown hits zero. Reilly hits a series of switches, and the shuttle undocks from the Reliant.

69. EXT RELIANT

The shuttle pulls away from the Reliant. As it clears the mother ship the main engines fire to slow its descent.

70. INT BRIDGE

Chase looks out the window to see the shuttle braking hard with its engines at full thrust.

71. INT SHUTTLE

Reilly calls out over the comm that number three is running hot, they are pulling 7 G’s in the deceleration. Skyler is too scared to scream.

72. INT SHUTTLE (FLASHBACK)

She orders the co-pilot to jettison the solid boosters as she shuts down the main engine. She tells everyone to hold on as she rolls the shuttle inverted.

73. EXT SHUTTLE (FLASHBACK)

It performs a 180-degree arc heading back toward the Florida space base.

74. INT SHUTTLE (FLASHBACK)

Reilly drops the gear and deploys the speed brakes to slow down but there’s just not enough time.

75. EXT SHUTTLE (FLASHBACK)

The Shuttle stalls and hits the water hard, with the left wing down it cartwheels across the water.

76. INT SHUTTLE (FLASHBACK)

The shuttle occupants are tossed around in the violent cartwheel. A warning Klaxon goes off…..

77. INT SHUTTLE

Reilly snaps back to the present day and sees the overheat light on number three. She shuts it down.

78. INT COMMAND MODULE

Tara tells Reilly she will have to burn the other two engines longer to slow down and will have less time to rotate the ship 180 for the crash landing.

79. INT SHUTTLE

Reilly hears Chase calling out the countdown of engine shut down. At zero she cuts the engines and hits the thrusters for rotation.

80. EXT SHUTTLE

The shuttle, approaching the moon stern first, flips over on its back and then rotates 180 degrees the moon rapidly approaching below.

81. INT COMMAND MODULE

Chase has joined Tara and Quinn at the 3D display. He tells Reilly she’s still going too fast.

82. INT SHUTTLE

Reilly hits the forward thrusters, drops the landing gear, and uses the rear thrusters to drag the rear wheels across the smooth, previously mined, moon surface

83. EXT MOON/ SHUTTLE

The rear wheels slam into the surface of the moon and plow two deep grooves in its surface.

84. INT SHUTTLE

Skyler screams as the vibration is twice as bad as the braking maneuver. Reilly holds the forward braking thrusters at full power until the nose suddenly slams to the ground.

85. EXT MOON/ SHUTTLE

The front and rear landing gear collapse. The shuttle continues to slide until it impacts and penetrates one of the dome-shaped structures disappearing inside.

86. INT COMMAND MODULE

All the crew sees is a massive dust cloud engulfing the entire base. And no answering call to their transmissions to the shuttle.

87. EXT SHUTTLE

An enormous mining machine with a rock-crushing grinder chews its way into the building. Reilly grabs Skyler and they barely escape the destructive grinding of the machine.

88. INT BUCK’S SILO

Buck looks at his monitor, infrared scan reveals that Reilly made it to the moon base.

89. INT RELIANT COMMAND MODULE

Tara calls to Nico, now in the engine room with Oleg, that they are not braking hard enough with the anti-matter drive.

90. INT BRIDGE

Chase is monitoring their path and determines they only have minutes to correct the problem, or they will blow past any way to sling-shot for the return to earth.

91. INT ENGINE ROOM

Nico tells the team the anti-matter drive was designed for long periods of acceleration, not short-term full power sprints, it’s losing power.

92. INT MOONBASE MINING FACILITY

Reilly and Skyler dodge car-sized ore carriers moving empty and full through the corridor leading to the reactor.

93. EXT MOON BASE REACTOR ROOM

The door is locked, Reilly pulls out an electronic box and runs it over the lock. It opens and they enter.

94. INT MOON BASE REACTOR ROOM

Reilly and Skyler discover AI-bot running reactors, it attacks Skyler, Reilly saves her.

95. INT MED BAY

Quinn gets an idea that magnetic pull could help their deceleration problem. Magnets!

96. INT BRIDGE

Magnets. Chase gets the idea and asks Tara if the frequency generation array is able to attract as well as repel.

97. INT COMMAND MODULE

Tara reconfigures the frequency array as she asks Oleg what they may use for power?

98. INT ENGINEERING

Oleg tells the team the fusion reactor is only able to run at 40% of capacity, they need 50% to power the array.

99. INT BRIDGE

Chase asks about daisy-chaining the small fusion reactor in the explorer satellite they were to deploy in deep space?

100. INT ENGINEERING

Oleg and Nico splice the satellite reactor into the fusion drive.

101. EXT RELIANT

The frequency projection array pans to the right aiming directly at the moon.

102. INT BRIDGE

Chase transmits they are 1 minute away from the point of no return.

103. INT LAUNCH BAY

Nico makes the final connection and engages the power transfer on the control panel.

104. INT ENGINEERING

Oleg plugs in the final patch relay and hits the transfer switch. It works.

105. INT COMMAND MODULE

Tara activates the frequency array and the entire ship begins to vibrate.

106. INT BRIDGE

Chase monitors the ship’s systems. Alarms begin to go off indicating in red parts of the ship that are experiencing overload stresses.

107. INT ENGINEERING

Nico and Oleg work the controls to keep both reactors in sync.

108. INT COMMAND MODULE

Tara tweaks the array as the 3D red arc slowly merges and disappears into the green arc.

Not commenting much on the science mumbo-jumbo. I see a bunch of stuff happening involving astronauts. I love astronauts. I love watching them work. There’s no feedback I’m currently equipped to give, as anything that could improve these parts will be found in the next module, along with the modules concerning dialogue.

109. INT BRIDGE

Chase watches the tracks emerge. Then yells for them to kill the array.

110. INT COMMAND MODULE

Tara kills the array as Oleg yells for her to wait until they uncouple the reactors.

111. INT ENGINEERING

Killing the array feedbacks into the reactor patch and an electrical surge blows Nico off the control panel and knocks her unconscious onto the floor. Oleg races to her side.

112. INT MOON BASE REACTOR ROOM

Reilly’s arm gets stuck pulling out the fusion reactor fuel cell, Skyler saves her.

113. INT MED BAY

Nico is on the med-bed unconscious as Chase, Tara, and Oleg watch. Tara and Oleg discover Chase and Nico are in a relationship.

114. EXT MOONBASE

Reilly and Skyler see a mining rig headed for the earth return rocket; their ride home.

115. INT BUCK’S SILO

Buck sees the miner heading for the earth return rocket. He types commands into his keyboard.

116. INTERCUT BRIDGE, COMMAND MODULE & ENGINEERING

Chase counts down from 5 and the team engages the thrusters 30 to complete the sling-shot.

117. EXT MOON/ EARTH RETURN ROCKET

Reilly and Skyler struggle to get the reactor into the ship as the miner is approaching them.

118. EXT MOON/ POV FROM SPACE

We see the earth return rocket about to be destroyed by the miner as a satellite impacts and destroys the miner in a giant explosion.

119. INT EARTH RETURN ROCKET

The explosion rocks the ship violently. Reilly hits the launch button and the ship’s rockets fire lifting them into space.

120. INT BUCK’S SILO

Buck breathes a giant sigh of relief as we see on his monitor that he redirected the path of the satellite to collide with the miner, saving Reilly and Skyler.

++ Second turning point at end of Act 2

121. INT BRIDGE

Tara, in the copilot’s seat, confirms the radar lock-on Reilly’s rocket as Chase radios Oleg to open the shuttle door and stand by for rendezvous.

122. INT SHUTTLE BAY

Oleg in his spacesuit hits a button. The shuttle bay decompresses, and the large door opens, revealing a retreating moon behind them.

123. INT EARTH RETURN ROCKET

Reilly sees the Reliant ahead. Reilly applies full foreword thrusters to slow them down. She explains this ship was designed for earth return, not docking.

124. INT BRIDGE

Tara tells Chase they need to speed up now or Reilly’s ship will but them like a torpedo.

Oleg gives Chase the OK to use fusion drive for a short burst. Chase engages the drive and pushes the throttle wide-open.

125. INT EARTH RETURN ROCKET

Reilly calls “out of fuel” for thrusters as they zoom toward the shuttle bay. Suddenly, the Reliant bolts ahead with the fusion thrusters wide-open.

126. EXT RELIANT

The Reliant moves quickly ahead with Reilly’s ship about to impact the shuttle bay. Its speed is just enough for Reilly’s ship to enter the shuttle bay.

127. INT BRIDGE

Oleg reports overheat indications on the fusion reactor. Chase calls out engine shut down as he pulls back the throttles.

128. INT SHUTTLE BAY

A catch net stops the ship inches from Oleg.

129. INT EARTH RETURN ROCKET

Skyler is taking a hit-off doc’s inhaler. Reilly asks if she’s OK. Skyler replies that it’s nothing a change of underwear won’t fix.

130. INT BRIDGE

Chase and Tara share a look of relief. On the radio: tells Reilly she just set the record for the most crash landings in space in one day.

131. INT EARTH RETURN ROCKET

Reilly radios to everyone to get ready for anti-matter drive firing to head back to earth. Chase tells her about Nico’s injury and their inability to fire it without her.

132. INT MED BAY

Nico is weak from her injuries, however, refuses to stay put and will fire off the anti-matter drive.

133. INT ENGINEERING

Oleg stands by Nico, a little shaky on her feet, as she fires up the anti-matter drive.

134. INT COMMAND MODULE

Tara monitors the Reliant on the 3D display with Quinn and Skyler watching.

135. INT BRIDGE

Chase counts down ignition from 5 seconds. Reilly hit the ignition button and throttles the anti-matter drive up.

136. INT ENGINEERING

Nico and Oleg’s fingers dance across their keyboard balancing the of firing the anti-matter drive engine.

137. INT COMMAND MODULE

Tara monitors the Reliant’s 3D projection trajectory toward the earth. When they reach 25,000 mph she calls for engine shutdown.

138. INT BRIDGE

Chase cuts the throttles; however, nothing happens. She radios Nico.

139. INT ENGINEERING

Chase radios they are going to miss earth, Oleg picks up a large pipe, walks over to the coupler, and hits it as hard as he can. There is a large clunk and the engine shuts down.

140. INT COMMAND MODULE

The crew is updated by Buck about chaos on earth and then they review the plan for deploying the modified Tesla shield.

141. MONTAGE: COMMAND MODULE/ENGINEERING/BRIDGE

MONTAGE:

BRIDGE – Reilly and Chase work on programming the Reliant for the braking maneuver and pin-point positioning for firing the shield

ENGINEERING – Oleg and Nico secure the additional reactor and run jumper cables to the main power junction box assisted by Skyler.

COMMAND MODULE – Tara is having problems with the frequency generator.

INT MED LAB – Quinn pulls a vial out of a torsion field generation device. The liquid inside is electroluminescent.

142. INT CREW MESS

Quinn injects crew with anti-radiation serum. Tara confides to Reilly that she still has not found the resonate frequency to make the expanded shield work.

143. MONTAGE: CREW QUARTERS

MED BAY- Quinn looks at his last vid com with his family.

ENGINEERING – Oleg looks down at the swirling vortex the fusion reactor is creating in its plasma containment chamber as he looks at a picture of his wife and daughter.

OBSERVATION DECK – Chase and Nico hold hands and then kiss against the starscape swirling around them.

INT CREW QUARTERS – Skyler is playing back the video journal has been making of their journey. The editing scenes with music are powerful and emotional. Tears unexpectedly run down her face.

INT BRIDGE – Reilly talks with Buck on the ham radio expressing her misgivings about what they are attempting – Buck comforts her with the fact all is not determined by random acts but by the hand of a divine creator and He does not make mistakes.

COMMAND MODULE- Tara is at her wit’s end trying to figure out the new frequency for the extended shield. She puts her head back in her chair and drifts into a fitful sleep…dreams.

FLASHBACK – Tara, 8 yrs old, throws a rock into a pond. It creates a series of waves that expand from small to very large.

PRESENT: Tara’s head snaps off the headrest back into the present. The dream is the answer to the resonant frequency generator.

144. EXT RELIANT

The ship begins to rotate 180 degrees. THE CAMERA stays with the rear of the ship as the anti-matter drive fires.

145. INT COMMAND MODULE

Quinn sits next to Tara with the 3D representation of the Reliant, earth, and the approaching earth-killing coronal mass ejection. She radios to the crew they are T-30 mins to impact.

146. INT ENGINEERING

Reilly calls for an anti-matter drive shut down. Nico pulls back on the anti-matter drive power, while Oleg preps the fusion reactors for the shield.

147. INT BRIDGE

Reilly initiates the 180-degree roll of the Reliant to face the approaching CME, Skyler watches from behind them. As soon as the roll is completed, Reilly calls for Tara to deploy the Tesla mast.

+++ Crisis

148. INT COMMAND MODULE

The Tesla mast won’t deploy. Chase didn’t check it when it was stressed in sling-shot maneuver and he blames himself.

149. INT SHUTTLE HANGAR

Chase moves quickly to the space tug near the hanger door and gets inside. The hangar door opens the engine’s fire and he off.

150. EXT RELIANT -BRIDGE/ MAST MODULE

The space tug flies over the top of the reliant, does an inside loop, and stops in front of the stuck mast. Chase deploys the grappling arms and wraps them around the three-foot ball at the top of the mast.

151. INT SPACE TUG

Chase fires the engines full throttle and the mast begins to jerk and barely move.

152. INT COMMAND MODULE

The crew discovers Chase is deploying mast with the space tug. There won’t be time for him to return before CME hits. Reilly and Nico beg him to return.

153. INT SPACE TUG

Chase tells him that will only save themselves, not the earth. That is the mission and it’s his fault for not testing the mast earlier.

+++ Climax

154. INT COMMAND MODULE

Reilly orders Oleg to fire up the fusion reactors to full power. This is a death sentence for Chase. Tara call out 30 seconds to impact. Oleg brings the reactors up to full power.

155. EXT SPACE TUG

The mast finally locks it into position as the tug runs out of fuel.

156. INT COMMAND MODULE

Reilly’s hand hovers over the large red shield deployment button. Nico takes the choice from her and presses the button as she looks into Chase’s eyes on the monitor.

157. EXT RELIANT

The space tug is engulfed in a blast of white light followed by the Tesla shield deploying like a giant umbrella around the ship. It’s width wide enough to cover the earth.

158. INT COMMAND MODULE

At this moment the Coronal Mass Ejection hits the ship. Tara struggles with the frequency modulator to reinforce the shield. Nico fires up the anti-matter drive routes power to the shield against Oleg’s complaint it has never been tested.

159. EXT RELIANT

The shield is white-hot and is beginning to buckle.

160. INT COMMAND MODULE

At first, it seems to be making things worst, then the entire ship vibrates and the shield expands against the opposing force and holds: the anti-matter drive is working.

161. EXT RELIANT

The shield extends into the CME and then it is over.

162. INT COMMAND MODULE

As quickly as it started the CME is passed. Reilly calls for a shutdown of the shield and Tara, Oleg and Nico work to bring down the power levels.

163. EXT RELIANT

The shield disappears as the end of the mast glows white-hot.

165. INT COMMAND MODULE

The crew looks out the window at the shattered space tug that holds Chase’s lifeless body.

+++ Resolution

166. EXT RELIANT

A space tug emerges from the back of the Reliant and quickly makes its way to Chases, grabs the disabled tug, and takes it to the rear of the Reliant.

167. INT HANGER BAY

The crew in spacesuits, place their flight wings on Chase’s space pod and launch him into space.

168. INT COMMAND MODULE

Jack Stone and Buck are on the vidscreen showing the crew the world celebration of being saved by them. It will be several months before a rescue ship with a replacement crew will be able to relieve them.

169. INT OBSERVATION DECK

The crew looks out into space and decides the best way to honor Chase’s sacrifice is to use the months they have to explore deep space.

170. EXT RELIANT

The counter-rotating rings of the Reliant glow bright blue, the anti-matter engines fire a long tongue of blue plasma, and the Reliant speeds off toward the distant planets ahead of it.

THE END

Final note: A lot happens. I don’t know if I got all of it. Hmmmmm. I like that a number of your action scenes do turn. That’s a positive. I often look at the movie 300, where you have Spartans being…well…Spartans for the better part of most of the movie. After a while the “Oh my GOD! It’s *fill in the blank*! Meh, Spartans can handle that,” gets pretty old. A number of your scenes do raise the possibility of failure, which is good. Keep it up and keep elevating. I love me some over-the-top disaster movies.

Thanks again for exchanging feedback with me!

Cam

[Arthur Anderson]

Hey Cameron:

Thanks for the review. A lot of good insights for me to look at.

Best,

Arthur

[June f]

Hi Arthur, Well done. you certainly know space adventures and all of your tech details are impressive. For sure this genre is a winner. Here are some comments. Take what you can use, and toss the rest. Cheers, June

Concept: I think you can simplify the logline to read more easily. The phrase “coronal mass ejection of the sun” is redundant (coronal and sun are the same thing.) If one is scanning, this might also read as another word. Is there another way to say it, such as “”solar eruption”?

Dilemma This is a conflict but the time element is only part of a dilemma. A dilemma is something with two bad choices: such as: When she’s in charge, Ryan keeps the crew from tearing each other apart. If she goes to the moon, the remaining crew will waste time arguing about whose method is best, but if she doesn’t go, they will not retrieve the reactor in time to save the planet. (Also, you’d have to make arrangements for rights with Tesla, or perhaps you’re thinking about Tesla as a funding source?)

Theme Humanity as a group is larger than the sum of its parts. I find this hard to understand and vague. What about humanity? The wisdom of all of humanity? The collaboration of all of humanity?

Mid-Point We saw this sling-shot maneuver in The Martian and even though Star Trek coined the term, people will see it as an appropriation of a recent film.

Climax With no time for him to return to the ship, he begs Reilly to engage the shield: a death sentence for him. (Seen in Space Cowboys) Tearfully, Reilly puts her hand on the red engage button. The other members of the crew put their hands over hers and they all push together. (This would be a very emotional moment. One would have to avoid making it cloying/sappy) Overall, very dramatic

Resolution Explore for the next 90 days? Also, it occurs to me that the one-ish event of this movie is not enough for audiences of this genre. This genre demands event after event- with increasing difficulties. If you compressed the previous to the first half of the film, you could make this call from NASA not congratulatory, but angry. NASA might not understand what they did- and consider their staying as a breech of orders.

8. Nico’s Quarters The martial arts skills should come into play later in the movie.

13. Skyler’s Quarters I understand that you’re introducing the characters, but this is a purely expository sequence- one scene after another- and will greatly delay the pace of your story and therefore interest. These scenes should intercut quickly, and if possible, happen prior to page 10 where establishing the world takes place. Also, I caution about the typical descriptions per race, such as the super-smart Asian- Ukrainian Mechanical engineer (Star Trek) etc.

20. Command Module It appears that the crew didn’t have time to evacuate even if they’d wanted.

34. Montage The lights of the world go out: BLACKOUT. cool visual

45. Reliant Generally at this point, a relaxation and more personal moments of crew gathering happens after a huge event for two reasons- the previous scenes were tense and heightened- and this takes the tension down so that it can build even higher in the next wave.

47. Engineering Vodka is a cliche`

62. Observation Deck <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>We discover Chase and Nico have a relationship. You could establish this also when each is calling family, and one pops in on the other to have a private discussion about the risks.

76. shuttle and other flashbacks I don’t understand why the flashbacks are here. They hold up the pacing.

80 Shuttle Great visual.

85. Moon/shuttle Wow

87. Shuttle How? They walk?

140 Command Module At this point the script needs more than action. It needs an emotional, personal scene which creates a dilemma and could endanger the mission. Otherwise, we’re just watching people at work under a time crunch.

143 Montage series How does the crew have time to review personal videos?

[Arthur Anderson]

Hey June:

Thank you for the notes!

Best,

Arthur

[Dev Ross]

Arthur!

Wow. I can’t wait to see this! Congrats on a well thought out outline. I love the ticking clock set up early in Act One. From then on, I felt myself fall in – fully attentive to all the action. I know you’ve gotten a note to the contrary about your character descriptions but I found them useful. Once your story dove into the action, I liked knowing who these characters were at the onset so that I better understood their motivations. Honestly, I love most anything set in space and don’t dither about what is truly scientific or not. I just believe. You had me believing. My only comment, and it’s small, is about Reilly. Her backstory – being the only survivor of a mission – works but it is also one that I’ve seen many times before. I’m just wondering if her background, which influences her choices and motivations, could be different. What if were the ‘gossip’ that she got the job purely through connections, a past debt come due… or…? Again, small but when I started reading her character description and what emotional baggage she carried I thought – yeah, seen this before. Other than that, I can’t wait to see this!

Dev

[Arthur Anderson]

Hey Dev:

Thanks for your thoughts!

Best,

Arthur

[Michael Katz]

Hi Arthur,

I had a few ideas for you that I wanted to share…

A. Concept: When a coronal mass ejection from the sun destroys all electronic technology on earth, six astronauts and one reporter on the international research spacecraft Reliant must adapt the experimental Tesla Shield technology that saved their spacecraft to shield humanity from a larger earth-destroying coronal mass ejection just days away.

Suggest giving the reader/listener a little context first – what’s going on with the sun that suddenly all this is happening

The distinction of the reporter is confusing, unrelated to anything else in the concept, and unnecessary to the concept – suggest deleting

Multiple CMEs feel very redundant even though they increase in strength/consequences

What if you start audiences with solar flares, which are much more familiar to viewers than CMEs and are quite known to still be capable of real damage, and the Reliant barely survives and earth is still electronically damaged (maybe not permanently destroyed but more believably all power is knocked out)…then you can dramatically increase the movie’s stakes with the imminent more dangerous CME — give viewers a nice terrifying dramatic computer simulation science lesson as to why CMEs are much bigger and much more badder than solar flares. Scare the shit out of us. Plus it gives the viewer a completely different more complex visual too at the end. Instead of the same thing repeated. So then…in the beginning they just have to quickly get the shield working for the solar flare, but then for the CME they have to completely redesign the whole thing for a much different shield problem and a much wider shield problem. That’s ratcheting it up in 2 different ways.

It’s the “escalating nonsense” thing (a terrific note!)

Just playing with the concept: With the sun’s 11-year solar cycle peaking with record activity, the earth takes a direct hit from a massive solar flare that knocks out all of humanity’s electronic technology, and now the international research spacecraft Reliant, who used an experimental Tesla Shield to save their spacecraft from the solar flare, must jerry-rig the Tesla Shield to protect the entire earth from an even more catastrophic, planet-destroying coronal mass ejection from the sun just two days away.

THEME: I liked your previous theme much better about working together, and so in keeping with that theme, what if you add another crazy subplot…what if another obstacle they face is that they also need (must have!) something from earth, and earth, working together, is able to — somehow — send that particular essential item up to them…just in time. So the mission retrieval thing you have gets one kind of necessity and then the subplot of the countries of earth figuring out how to work together to send another vital component — and perhaps these items are completely different in subject and form, or…perhaps they need to be combined and…work together…

If by chance you have a moment to look at my Outline Version 2, I’d be much obliged. Don’t think I’ll have time for a Version 3, so I’d love to have another critique in addition to Matthew’s (if he can).

Thank you,

Michael

[Alice Eden]

Alice’s Outline Version 1

MIROPOLIS

SEPARATION

Part 1

1. List the following key components of your story:

A. Concept:

In time of Separation, an artificial death protecting Advanced West society of Planet MIROPOLIS, workers of Research Institute get massacred, to create “new weapon”, interests clash, judge sentences wrongdoer at scandalous process, Separates, his subtle image reflected on video, his advice to filter people and expel outcastes is taken into practice…

B. Plot Choice:

7. The Riddle

9. Underdog

12. Transformation

C. Character Structure: Antagonist versus Protagonist

D. Lead Characters (*Name* is an *identity* who *does X in the story*.):

Protagonist: young talented scientist of Research Institute who’s girlfriend went missing, searching for who’ve done it

Antagonist: Anaupsh, head of development lab, who massacres RI workers to create animated monster

Protagonist #2 Judge who is to lead the process, finds Anaupsh guilty, proposes zones for outcastes, and Separates.

E. Dramatic Question: Creation of Zone at planet Miropolis

F. Main Conflict: social, in between of castes

G. Dilemma: of Protagonist #1 Would he find out, who’ve done it from those he works with?

H. Theme: Techno techno society, filtering of population, creation of zones, and self development

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any):

Protagonist#1

Part to be changed: He needs to find out, who’ve done it, and what happened?

Biggest fear: His biggest fear is what he sees in Anaupsh’s his lab

Completion of arc: His example as martyr changes social structure of the West. For separate-able humanity.

J. Structure of your screenplay (9 beats, one sentence each):

1. Opening

Representation (Visuals) of how SEPARATION (an artificial nano death, insinuated by signal from human brain of the bearer, whereas face and chest are separated symmetrically by vertical line), works. Inside perspective. Life stream as if moves on another rails. “What new qualities did you acquire?” “I can move walls apart!”

2. Inciting Incident

Protagonist returns from weekend spent offshore, and receives phone call from Director of Research Institute with urgent assignment. As he works on it, he encounters erased file that is exactly report for Anaupsh’s lab.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

This is going to be on the ground of Research Institute, where Anaupsh massacres its workers. But that’s also at another planet, named MIROPOLIS, and has to do with advanced science and discrimination of castes.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1

His girlfriend is missing amid lab personnel. “ Where is Kiat?”

5. Mid-Point

Journalist brother of Protagonist streams confusing news to illustrate the case of people missing on the ground of Research Institute.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2

Protagonist gets contacted by secret service officer.

7. Crisis

Protagonist gets massacred. Officers who contacted him shot.

8. Climax

Anaupsh presents her work at symposium and lets monsters, created by her in a lab out, to float up to the sky. Aerial dispatch destroys it.

9. Resolution

Scandalous process. Judge gives a speech and separates right at the court.

Upstart with residences for outcastes.

Part 2

1. List the following key components of your story:

A. Concept:

…after reservations for outcastes are created, trained WARDS are to bring qualified back to society,

Born in reservation, LENA witnesses her Ward’s death, runaways, gets escorted by high rang military, becomes his lover, as anyone around undergo danger of being marked as “outcastes”.

B. Plot Choice:

5. Escape

9. Underdog

13. Maturation

C. Character Structure: Romantic or Dramatic Triangle

D. Lead Characters (*Name* is an *identity* who *does X in the story*.):

LENA, girl born inside of restricted reservation who runaways from it

WARD, who picks up at Le-na to liberate her

Son of Main Commander, top military who picks up Le-na outside and falls in love with her

E. Dramatic Question: How Miropolis would do with zones

F. Main Conflict: In between of advanced vision and old ways

G. Dilemma: How to bring qualified back from zone, or accommodate them outside

H. Theme: Liberation

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any):

WARD

What he wants: to love LENA

What he needs: to send her safely outside

LENA

Part to be changed: She wants to runaway, be liberated

Biggest fear: There is now here to run, no action to save it

Completion of arc: She reaches what she could’ve desire but crashes

J. Structure of your screenplay (9 beats, one sentence each):

1. Opening

Destruction of Black Archipelago by atomic weapon.

2. Inciting Incident

Ward choses residence to be dispatched to.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

MIROPOLIS seventy years after they started with zones.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1

Ward meets Le-na .

5. Mid-Point

He hides Le-na in his apartment behind locked doors.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2

Ward is shot down.

7. Crisis

Le-na burns her stepmother who came back to kill her with acid from the barrel.

8. Climax

Le-na deposits report, fights her way via girl, picks up a gun, and deceives helicopter pilot.

9. Resolution

Le-na is picked up by high rang military.

ESCAPE story (above) as OPENING SCENE for Lena Outside of Reservation

(Lena Outside of Reservation, as a RESOLUTION to Escape story)

2. Inciting Incident: Lena tries to pull up his shirt, to check, if he is “marked” as maybe all special people from outside.

3. By “page 10”, you know, what the movies is about: it is now about Lena and Son of Main Commander evolving relationship

4. First Turning Point: They get intimate (Hotel #1)

5. Midpoint: His blackout.

6. Second Turning Point: Lena appears to be pregnant.

7. Crisis: They again are exposed (military come, as he is military), (Hotel#2, amid crowd)

8. Culmination: They discover dead body of ten years old daughter of hotel owner.

9. Resolution: They are in the room again. Woman across the street shoots another tenant. Absurd.

10 (9) RESOLUTION for the Part 2: Their young military friend gets matured, and gets sentenced as a ward who used weapon inside of habitation on civil ones. Son of Main Commander SEPARATES.

[Antonio]

Hello Alice,

I will focus on Version 1 Part 1 of your story. I like very much how your narrative takes us to a futuristic, techno advanced society and still, it feels like the setting keeps parallels with India or some place on Earth.

The main issue with your outline is that instead of briefly and clearly outlining your story, you still want to keep us intrigued, so the information is often presented in an incomplete or complex way, which ends up distracting or confusing the reader.

A. Concept:

The concept needs further development. As a reminder, our goal is to achieve high concept, which by definition:

1. Is unique.

2. Appeals to a wide audience.

3. Can be said in one sentence and… you instantly see the whole movie.

Concept suggestion:

In an advanced techno society, the massacre of a group of researchers provokes the creation of a new castes system and sets a relentless young scientist to hunt for the assassin.

Or is it…?

When a group of researchers suddenly disappears, a relentless young scientist hunts for the culprit and fights to prevent that a techno-advanced and once inextricable society turns into a new caste system.

B. Plot Choice:

ANTONIO: Three plots are identified. In order to avoid getting the reader confused, one plot should be chosen, made apparent in the outline, and be well identified in this section.

C. Character Structure: Antagonist versus Protagonist

ANTONIO: Are two protagonists needed? Is the selected plot the best choice? When the concept is revised, perhaps the answers to these questions will be apparent.

D. Lead Characters:

ANTONIO: You may not need to identify the leading characters as protagonist 1 and 2. Just follow the suggested structure: who (name) + identity + what this character does in the story. Like in:

Example: Peter Parker (who), a high school student (identity), gets bitten by a radioactive spider and acquires spider powers (what he does in the story)

E. Dramatic Question:

ANTONIO: This section does not identify a question. An example of a dramatic question related to this concept might be: Will the young scientist find out the culprit of the massacre?

F. Main Conflict: “social, in between of castes”

ANTONIO: You may want to focus on describing the conflict that affects the relationship between your protagonist and antagonist. Judging from the information provided, the castes system is the SETTING where the protagonist and antagonist will solve their conflict, but by no means it could be the conflict.

G. Dilemma:

ANTONIO: “Would he find out, who’ve done it from those he works with?” This could fit into the dramatic question, but remember that the dilemma is a CHOICE the protagonist has to make between two options, which are not favorable at all.

H. Theme:

ANTONIO: In here, you may want to focus on the moral of the story, the “with great power comes great responsibility” kind of message. A possible suggestion for your narrative might be: “Humankind is diverse, yet inextricable”

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any):

ANTONIO: “Protagonist#1 He needs to find out, who’ve done it, and what happened?” You could refer to “protagonist 1” as the young scientist or better off, give him a name. Then, in this section, please explain in what way the protagonist has to change in order to fulfill that need? Will he have to, for example, overcome his fear of snakes? (This is just a classic example from Indiana Jones, of course)

Biggest fear: “His biggest fear is what he sees in Anaupsh’s his lab”

ANTONIO: This idea requires clarification. Because we can’t see what he sees in Anaupsh’s lab, we still don’t know what he is afraid of.

Completion of arc:

His example as martyr changes social structure of the West. For separate-able humanity.

ANTONIO: Same as above, this idea requires clarification.

J. Structure of your screenplay (9 beats, one sentence each):

1. Opening

ANTONIO: The opening includes too much detail. Go to the essence.

2. Inciting Incident

ANTONIO: This description does not reveal the relevance of the report or how this incident may set the protagonist on the adventure. Please briefly describe the cause-consequence relationship.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

ANTONIO: The script outline needs further development. At this point, it has not revealed to us what the movie is all about.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1

His girlfriend is missing amid lab personnel. “ Where is Kiat?”

ANTONIO: The concept mentions a massacre, but here it seems that the researchers were abducted.

5. Mid-Point

ANTONIO: “…to illustrate the case of people missing” Same as above. This is not consistent with the concept described. I formulated a second suggestion for a concept that considers the researchers being abducted first.

Hope these notes help.

[Dev Ross]

Dev Ross – Lesson 15 – Get to the Essence VERSION 2

“THE BLACK AND THE WHITE”

or “CAINE AND ABLE”

Concept: Outshined by the latest hate groups, a fading KKK Grand Dragon plots the murder of a black leader, but when he wakes the next morning, he is that black leader who is suddenly struck with a plan to murder the Grand Dragon.

Plot Choice: Rivalry

Character Structure: Protagonist vs Antagonist

Lead Characters: CLAY CAINE is a fading KKK Grand Dragon struggling to regain his former power who, in his fight to regain power, loses his family. LINCOLN ABLE is a Black Leader who works for the good of his community, who loses his family when he buys into revenge.

Dramatic Question: Will the Grand Dragon assassinate a Black Leader?

Main Conflict: Will his obsession cause him to lose his wife and family?

Dilemma: He can’t stop because the man he’s trying to kill is now trying to kill him.

Theme: Your hate will ultimately destroy you.

9 BEATS:

OPENING: During increasing climate change issues — KKK Grand Dragon CLAY CAINE is booed off stage at Supremacy conference for being a SINO – Supremacist in name only…

INCITING INCIDENT: Learns his daughter is pregnant with black baby, kicks her out of the house.

Page 10: Clay is a fading leader who is struggling to regain his power and influence as KKK leader as new White Supremacists groups have now captured the nation’s attention. His marriage is failing as well and he dismisses climate events as fear mongering. Finally, a cross is burned on his lawn when his daughter is found out to be pregnant with a black man’s baby.

First Turning point, End Act 1: Clay interrupts increasing extremely odd weather as a sign from God to him to murder rising Black Leader, Lincoln Able.

ACT TWO:

He wakes up (in alt universe) as that Black Leader with an uncharacteristic desire to kill the Grand Dragon.

Mid. Pt: Clay accuses his wife of having an affair with a black man, kills her.

Second Turning point at end of Act II: In order to purse Clay, Lincoln forces his wife out of the car, which leads to her death.

Crisis: Caine can’t accept truth about sister.

Climax: As two worlds collide (caused by climate/String Theory) and as they are dying, the two men learn they are just the alt version of the other in an alternate universe.

Resolution: A whole new world has formed where race hatred is obsolete.

1. EXT. FAIR GROUNDS – SUMMER DAY

Amid increasing climate events, Grand Dragon CLAY CAINE of the KKK speaks at White Supremacist event and gets booed off stage as a SINO, a Supremacist in Name Only. He replaced by youthful ADAM SPENCER, the hot new ticket in the hate game.

2. INT. CAINE HOME – DINING ROOM – EVENING

Clay’s wife, HANNAH, a nurse, lovingly suggests it’s time to leave Klan to focus on family. Daughter, EMMY, is off to meet a boyfriend she remains secretive about.

3. INT. CAINE HOME – TV ROOM – NIGHT

To Clay, news on climate change is fear-mongering. Changes channel to local coverage on WS rally: “Jews will not convert us! Blacks will not pervert us!” Shakes his head, this is not the way to bring the change they want. Cites bible.

4. INT. CAINE’S BATHROOM – NIGHT

He brushes his teeth. Stops to gaze at his reflection; cites bible passages to support his views… FLASHBACKS to…

5. EXT. KLAN RALLY – NIGHT – FLASHBACK

Clay’s grandfather, Grand Dragon AUGUST ABLE gives a wickedly ‘patriotic’ speech filled with fiery biblical references to shouted praises. A cross burns as a mesmerized seven-year-old Clay, dressed his Klan robe, watches.

6. INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

Clay prays for a sign from God to tell him how to regain his former influence to stop the rising tide of Godless progressive liberalism and multiculturalism.

7. INT. FOYER – MORNING

Hannah returns from work as Clay leaves for work. She pulls him close, kisses him. He puts her off, leaving her frustrated.

8. EXT. JOB SITE – DAY

Clay works as house painter. The homeowner, an elderly woman, asks if he’d be willing to mentor/apprentice her twelve-year-old grandson who’s come to live with her. Clay quotes Proverbs 22:6. “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it.”

9. EXT. CLAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Odd, disturbing weather outside. The sky trips the light fantastic.

10. INT. CLAY’S BASEMENT – KKK MEETING – NIGHT

Clay reminds dwindling members that Klan members in their town used to be respectable doctors, lawyers and politicians who were gentleman first, Christian men with integrity, not wild-eyed terrorists.

11. EXT. HOUSE PAINTING JOB – DAY

Grandmother presents her HALF-BLACK, grandson, ELIJAH, to Clay – who now refuses to mentor him as God prohibits race mixing. Grandma won’t take no for an answer.

12. INT. CLAY’S HOME – NIGHT

INCITING INCIDENT: They learn daughter Emmy’s pregnant with black baby. Clay throws her out.

13. EXT. PAINT JOB SITE – DAY

Clay, on edge, insists Elijah will have to work harder than most to be decent. Elijah wants to work hard, doesn’t want to be like his father. Clay relates.

14. INT. CLAY’S CHILDHOOD HOME – DAY – FLASHBACK

Clay’s father beats his mom behind closed doors while young Clay and his baby sister play inside their mother’s open suitcase with all her clothes strewn about.

15. EXT. PAINT JOB SITE – DAY

Clay watches Elijah work diligently. He can’t help but like the boy.

16. INT. CLAY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Clay spurns Hannah’s attempt at sex. He’s tired. She’s tired of him refusing him. It escalates – a lot -until — shouts of “Nigger lovers” come from outside.

17. EXT. CLAY’S HOME – NIGHT

Trucks screech away, leaving a cross burning on lawn. A stuffed effigy hangs with a sign that says his family are “nigger lovers.”

18. EXT. CLAY’S HOME – MORNING

Ashes from burning cross blow across the neighborhood. Emmy knocks on the door, wants to know if her parents are okay.

19. INT. CLAY’S HOME – CONTINUOUS

Clay forbids Hannah to let her in.

20. EXT. CLAY’S HOME – CONTINOUS

Mother and daughter touch palms through front window.

21. INT. CLAY’S HOME – MOMENTS LATER

Hannah’s leaving for work, comments positively on Black Leader LINCOLN ABLE because of his success at gaining black voter registration. Clay takes her comments as a dig. Lincoln’s a success – he’s a failure.

22. EXT. HOUSE PAINTING JOB – DAY

A violent wind blows over the ladder which knocks over the paint before Elijah can right it. The boy covers his head to block the blows he knows are coming. Clay freezes, remembers…

23. INT. CLAY’S CHILDHOOD HOME – FLASHBACK – DAY

His daddy hits him over and over again…

24. EXT. HOUSE PAINTING JOB – DAY

Clay grabs the boy into a hug.

EXT. STREETS – LATE DAY

Driving home, Clay berates himself about the boy. Must keep to his principles.

25. EXT. BAR – DAY

He stops at light next to BAR. FLASHBACK TO-

26. EXT. BAR – FLASHBACK – DAY

Clay’s father tells him to wait outside bar while he goes in. Clay watches as a WOMEN ENTERS. Laughter from inside as Clay waits. He peeks inside to seen the woman kissing his father.

27. EXT. BAR – OUT OF FLASHBACK – DAY

Light changes. Clay drives on. Stops, backs up.

28. INT. BAR – DAY

Clay drinks, watches Lincoln Able on TV as bartender complains about blacks replacing them. LIGHTS in bar flicker due to climate stuff. Clay offhandedly comments, it’s not climate, God’s pissed.

29. INT. BASEMENT – LATER – DAY

Errant electricity makes Clay’s TV turn on by itself — shows a happy commercial with a married black and white couple. Clay is disgusted.

Violent banging at his door! He grabs his shotgun.

30. EXT. CLAY HOME – CONTINUOS

Electric static and ribbons of color encompass the neighborhood as a terrified Elijah bangs on Clay’s door. Clay, answers, says he’ll shoot him if he shows his black face at his house again. Elijah runs off into a neighborhood that seems to shimmer – change – shimmer – change back – shimmer…

31. INT. BASEMENT – MOMENTS LATER

It appears to be Clay’s basement only different. A man sits and watches Lincoln Able speak to an adoring crowd. He appears to be making notes, writing another speech.

Shimmer…

32. INT. CLAY’S BASEMENT – CONTINUOUS

Clay watches Lincoln Able speak to an adoring crowd. He now knows God is telling him what to do. He points shotgun at TV. Click.

ACT TWO:

1. EXT. SKY – MORNING

A split sky ripples with ribboning colors that interweave…

2. INT. BASEMENT – MORNING

We see the back of a man we assume is Clay sleeping on the couch. But when the man rises, we see he’s actually black leader Lincoln Able. He’s had a bad dream that he can’t shake…

3. INT. ABLE HOME – KITCHEN – MORNING

His wife, NUBIA, apologizes for sending him to the basement but he was keeping her up and she’s working a double today. When Lincoln says he had a crazy dream about wanting to kill the Grand Dragon, she laughs. He’s a peace maker not a killer.

4. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY

Lincoln gives his volunteers a pep talk before they go door to door to get out the vote. A truck flying a Confederate flag motors past.

5. INT./EXT. BLACK HOME – DAY

Lincoln speaks to a black couple about voting. The man’s son, a vet, grumbles about the uselessness of voting. Lincoln says they can’t let helplessness and hate win. You’re good as dead if you do.

6. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY

Lincoln drives, stops at a light when a car pulls up beside him. The driver in the other car turns to look at him. It’s Clay. SHIMMER… The car is gone. Lincoln’s ears start ringing and head pounds. Then, an urgent text from his wife…

7. INT. HOSPITAL- FRONT DESK/EMPTY ROOM – DAY

Lincoln, frantic, looks for his wife at the nurses’ station. It appears Hannah greets him but – SHIMMER – it’s suddenly Nubia who pulls him into a private room. She’s pregnant! Lincoln’s joy is overshadowed by the odd things that he’s been seeing and his pounding headache…

8. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY

Hannah takes daughter Emmy’s blood pressure, which is high. Fears she could lose the baby.

9. INT. HOSPITAL – IMAGING – DAY

Nubia rolls Lincoln into MRI machine. He protests but she’s all about being more safe than sorry.

10. INT. HOSPITAL PARKING LOT – NIGHT

Hannah’s car won’t start. She tries to call her husband. It rings and rings.

11. EXT. GUN SHOP/INT. CLAY’S CAR – NIGHT

Clay leaves a gun shop. Cell phone on seat says ‘missed call’ just as he opens the door and tosses in a box of ammo. Drives off.

12. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT

Nubia has Lincoln’s scan results. Some odd brain patterns, most likely stress. Now with their baby finally coming, perhaps he can go back to teaching…

13. EXT. CLAY’S DRIVEWAY – NIGHT

Clay sits in his car and loads his shotgun when a car drives up. The driver, a black man, has given Hannah a ride. Angrily reminding her that people could be watching, he yanks his wife into the house.

14. INT. CLAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT – CONTINOUS

Hannah says man is co-worker who gave her a ride home because Clay was likely too busy at a Klan meeting to help her. Clay angrily counters she could have been raped – like his sister was. What would people think of him then?! He hits her again and again until she’s still…

Meanwhile…

15. EXT. FRONT DOOR – NIGHT – CONTINOUS

Emmy bangs on door outside. Calls for her mom. Blood drips down her legs. The sky ripples with ribbons of color.

16. EXT. HOSPITAL/CITY STREETS – NIGHT

Lincoln leaves the hospital, drives off… Bathed in ribbons of light, the neighborhood shifts – looks almost the same only different.

17. EXT. CLAY’S STREET – NIGHT

Lincoln is disoriented. Then– he recognizes the car that pulled up alongside him parked in front of Clay’s home. Clay shoots at him. Lincoln speeds away as the neighborhood RIPPLES and shifts again.

18. EXT./INT. LINCOLN’S HOME – NIGHT

Lincoln’s car screeches up. Parks. He enters house. Heads upstairs. Downstairs TV sparks on. White Supremacists growing bravado on the news…

19. EXT. LINCOLN’S HOME – MORNING

Lincoln checks his car. Bullet holes riddle the side of it.

20. EXT. GET OUT THE VOTE RALLY – DAY

Lincoln speaks but struggles. His head pounds. His speech turns hateful. The CHANGING crowd reacts, alternatingly jeering or cheering him on.

21. EXT. RALLY CROWD – CONTINUOUS

Elijah is there with his grandma. He looks around the crowd when he spots Clay pull out his shotgun… Elijah yells out a warning!

Clay shoot misses and the crowd scatters. Lincoln pulls away from his handlers and chases after Clay. He thinks he has him cornered but… he’s disappeared into thin air.

22. INT. LINCOLN HOME/CLAY’S HOME – DAY

Lincoln spots Clay rushing up to the house with his shotgun so yanks his wife Nubia to the floor. Nothing happens. She believes he’s having a breakdown.

23. EXT. LINCOLN HOME – DRIVEWAY – DAY

Lincoln shows Nubia the bullet holes in his car. Nubia demands he stop his work. They argue and he – totally out of character – pushes her to the ground. He’s about to strike her when he stops himself, begs her forgiveness while blood trickles down her leg.

24. EXT. SKY – DAY

Luminous ribbons of color cut across the sky. Rumbling…

25. INT. CLAY HOME – DAY

Shotgun toting Clay sees someone’s in the shadows waiting for him. Almost shoots when he hears his daughter’s whimpers. She lost her baby. Can she come home now? Clay sends her away.

26. INT. CLAY BASEMENT – NIGHT

Clay calls his sister to tell her she’ll finally be avenged. She tells him she was a drunk when her so-called rape by black men occurred. Truth? She took them on as a FUCK YOU to their child molesting, KKK Grandpa. Clay says she’s a liar just like his wife and daughter – who’ve all betrayed him with the black man.

27. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT

Clay shoots out the windows of a black church. Shoots at folks as they run out.

28. EXT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT

Lincoln drives his wife toward home. She won’t speak to him. Clay’s car emerges from a SHIMMER. Lincoln stops and orders his wife out of the car.

ACT THREE

1. EXT. CITY STREETS – NIGHT

Clay aims at a random black man when his car is rammed by Lincoln. Car chase through the city. Alarms go off as electricity arcs across the sky. The world’s fabric is rending…

Both crash their cars. Pursue each other on foot.

2. EXT./INT. COTTON PROCESSING PLANT – NIGHT

Both men chase shadows. It’s cat and mouse where after SHIMMERS both appear and disappear from each other’s view. Sudden quake causes near collapse of building.

3. EXT. LINCOLN’S NEIGHBORHOO – NIGHT

Nubia, on foot, finally approaches home when– the neighborhood SHIMMERS.

4. EXT. CLAY’S NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT – CONTINOUS

Confused, she stands in the middle of a street she does not recognize. SHIMMER…

5. EXT. LINCOLN’S NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT – CONTINOUS

Back to her neighborhood when car brakes scream. The face of the approaching car’s driver freezes in anguish as he runs her down…

6. EXT. SKY – NIGHT

It’s ripping apart.

7. INT. PLANT – NIGHT

The men’s search for each other frustrates as their shapes SHIMMER in and out. Finally – their bullets ricochet and each is struck. Building is coming down. Both drag themselves in opposite directions to get out.

8. EXT. PLANT – NIGHT

Clay drags himself out into the night. Moon shines down on pools of water. As he bleeds out, he sees his reflection in the water. It’s Lincoln.

9. EXT. PLANT – NIGHT

Lincoln drags himself out, sees his reflection in water. It’s Clay. The two look up at each other as a BRIGHT FLASH OF LIGHT washes all out…

10. EXT. SPACE

Strings appear in the blackness and resonate like harp strings. (String Theory) Two broken strings merge into a new one. A FLASH OF LIGHT then…

11. EXT. MIXED NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY

The sun shines down on a newly formed reality – literally. Clay’s daughter strolls with her baby past black and white townspeople who warmly ask what her baby’s name is. Emmy smiles. It’s Elijah.

[Lisa Paris Long]

FOR DEV ROSS – VERSION 2

Critique from Lisa Long

“THE BLACK AND WHITE”

OR “CANE AND ABLE”

Hi Dev,

I can see all the improvements you’ve made since the last time I read your outline. Great job! It moves along quickly and concisely. I very much enjoyed reading it.

Between Concept and the 9 Beats, I have only one comment. The Crisis: “Caine can’t accept truth about sister.” I didn’t know what this meant until I read the whole outline. You may want to briefly add what the truth is as part of the Crisis.

There are only two things that were unclear to me.

1. The switching of bodies. They go to sleep and wake up that way? And the shimmering in the sky is the magic that causes it? I’m not sure what happened.

2. In Scene 25 Emmy loses the baby and then at the end he’s alive and named Elijah. I get the twist with his name. But it leads me to ask: Is death not permanent in the shimmering world? Was scene 25 during a ripple in the time continuum? Or was it a dream? Or did it not really happen?

Overall, a tremendously strong outline/story. I can see it getting produced and enjoyed by the masses!

[Dev Ross]

Hi Arthur,

Yes, absolutely! Just know that I’m going to be almost starting from scratch to fix the problems so well pointed out by others. You can go ahead on comment on what I have or wait until the next incarnation!

Best,

Dev

[Dev Ross]

I will read yours asap!

best,

Dev

[Arthur Anderson]

Hey Dev:

I’ll wait for the new version.

Best,

Arthur

[Dana Abbott]

Here is my second version. I am open to sharing critiques.

PS81 – Dana’s Outline Version #2

Concept: A patient with multiple personality disorder calls a radio psychiatrist and warns that his more dominant and violent personality will kill one member her kidnapped family every hour on air unless she can excise his violent personality before the end of the show.

Plot Choice: #8 – Rivalry

Character Structure: #1 Protagonist vs. Antagonist

Lead Characters:

Ellen Landry – The psychiatrist trying to save her kidnapped family.

Jason/Ryan – The patient threatening to kill Ellen’s family.

Det. Sorenson – Lead detective chasing the kidnapper.

Dramatic Question:

Can Ellen stop her patient from murdering her family?

Main Conflict:

A dangerous patient threatens to kill a radio psychiatrist’s kidnapped family.

Dilemma:

Does Ellen try to dissuade her patient from killing her family or does she manipulate him into killing himself before he can execute his threat?

Theme:

Sacrificing one’s morality to save another.

Character Arc: Anxious radio host to powerful psychiatrist able to take down violent patient.

Plot/Structure:

1. Opening: Late for work, Ellen Landry learns she is missing her meeting with her station manager, increasing her anxiety level.

2. Inciting Incident: A caller tells Ellen that he has kidnapped her family and plans to execute one every hour on air unless she can excise the personality before the end of the show.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: A dangerous patient has kidnapped Ellen’s family, and she must play a deadly game of life and death on air to save them.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: Ellen’s husband calls her show to confirm he and their daughters have been kidnapped by Ryan, the violent personality, who is now in control,

5. Midpoint: After her husband is murdered, Ellen tries to extract Jason’s manic-depressive personability and pressure him toward suicide to saver her daughters.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: The manic-depressive personality reveals himself.

7. Crisis: The violent personality reemerges to foil Ellen’s plan.

8. Climax: Ellen pits the man’s personalities one against the other, fighting for dominance until she hears a gun go off. Silence leaves her on edge. Then SWAT discovers the man dead, and her daughters saved.

9. Resolution: Ellen is sent to reunite with her daughters. The detective assigned to the case learns that the caller was not working alone, someone else was involved and is still at large.

FIRST TIME CALLER – ESSENCE OUTLINE

1. INT./EXT. ELLEN’S CAR – DAY

Ellen Landry’s husband, Roger, calls to tell her his car wouldn’t start and he’s using Uber to drop their daughters at school before heading to work. She cuts the call short when her producer calls. Ellen is missing her meeting with the station manager. Ellen completely forgot. Anxious and in a hurry, she spills her coffee on her skirt.

2. EXT. STATION – DAY

Ellen parks and grapples with her purse and computer bag as she hurries inside.

3. EXT. RECEPTION – DAY

Ellen’s producer meets her in a panic and hurries Ellen into the conference room.

4. INT. CONFERENC ROOM – DAY

Ellen enters sheepishly and sits down as the meeting is adjourned. She’s mortified. The station manager meets with Ellen about her ratings. They need to improve, or he’ll have to release her.

5. INT. RESTROOM – DAY

Wiping the stain on her skirt, Ellen’s emotions get the better of her. A toilet flushes and man steps from a stall. Ellen, mortified again, realizes she’s in the men’s room. Her producer enters looking for her. Ellen tells her about the manager’s threat to replace her. Her producer blows it off and builds her confidence. All they need is one great show.

6. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

The station manager enters. Ellen’s producer scolds him for his poor people skills. He admits he’s a schmuck, but the owner is concerned and wants him to find Ellen’s replacement just in case.

7. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen settles in at her microphone. She notices the manager hovering. Ellen welcomes her listeners, but the first call is uninspiring. The manager leaves disappointed.

8. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

The producer screens another caller, Jason, who claims to suffer from multiple personality disorder. She puts Jason through immediately.

INCITING INCIDENT

9. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen engages Jason, but the call goes sideways when Jason warns that his violent personality has kidnapped Ellen’s family and that he intends to kill them one by one on-air unless she can excise the violent personality by the end of the show.

Suddenly, Jason argues with someone– another personality – and the call drops. Stunned, Ellen and her producer stare at one another. The producer goes to a commercial.

10. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

The station manager returns. He quips about boring calls.

11. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen tells them Jason was an ex-patient who suffered from DID (dissociative identity disorder). Worried, Ellen calls her husband. The call goes to voicemail. She calls the school. Her daughters haven’t arrived. Maybe they’re just late. The school will call when they arrive.

The station manager leaves to call the police and as a precaution. Ellen’s producer keeps her from unravelling. Ellen takes the next call, but she’s distracted, obviously concerned about her family.

12. INT. DETECTIVE SQUAD – DAY

Detective Sorenson is assigned the investigation. He complains the case is a snipe hunt.

13. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

During a commercial break, Ellen calls her husband again. Nothing. She calls his work. He hasn’t arrived yet. And the school hasn’t called back. She’s more on edge.

14. INT. RECEPTION – DAY

The manager greets Sorenson when he arrives and explains the situation.

15. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson questions Ellen and her producer about the call.

16. INT. ON-AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen tells him everything she remembers about Jason. Sorensen asks the routine questions and reassures her not to panic. He asks for a private room to call his station.

17. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

Sorenson starts an investigation, although he still thinks it’s a snipe hunt.

18. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

The producer screens another call – Ryan. “Long time listener. First time caller.” He engages Ellen in polite conversation, but Ellen is perplexed why exactly he’s called.

19. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

Still on his phone, Sorenson learns the caller is using the husband’s phone. He bolts from the room.

20. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ryan puts someone on-air who’s eager to speak with Ellen – Roger, Ellen’s husband. Frightened to death, he confirms Ryan – the violent personality – has kidnapped him and their two daughters.

21. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson runs into the booth to hear Ryan explain the rules of the game.

22. INT. ON AIR BOOTH – DAY

Ellen listens intently to every rule. The last rule: Ellen must talk Ryan down or he’ll shoot her family one at a time starting at the top of the hour. Ellen looks to the clock as it ticks toward the next hour.

FIRST TURNING POINT – END OF ACT 1

23. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Sorenson jumps into the investigation. Track the husband’s phone. Find the Uber driver. Put SWAT on standby. Find the sister in Memphis.

24. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen, in shock, pleads with Ryan. Why is he doing this? She failed Jason. She abandoned him for the “circus” (radio), and today he – Ryan – is giving her second chance to redeem herself.

25. EXT. STATION – DAY

A TV van arrives. The reporter and camera men jump out.

26. INT. RECEPTION – DAY

The receptionist spies the TV van arriving outside and calls the manager.

27. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

The manager tells Sorensen about the media. Sorenson says no statements. Jason is probably watching TV. Send people home. Lock down the station.

28. INT. RECEPTION – DAY

The manager is stunned as more vans and reporters arrive. The receptionist answers a call. The owner wants to speak to the manager.

29. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen asks Ryan if she can speak with Jason. Ryan refuses. She struggles to engage Ryan.

30. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson gets a call. The GPS on the husband’s phone and the Uber driver’s car place them both at the driver’s home. SWAT is enroute. Sorenson signals Ellen to stall. They’re close.

31. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen nods and engages Ryan, trying to talk him down. The minutes are ticking away.

32. INT. SWAT VAN – DAY

The SWAT commander instructs his men on the plan. It’s a hostage situation. Full breach.

33. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen engages Ryan, though struggling. Watching the clock on the wall as the hour approaches.

34. INT. HOUSE – DAY

SWAT kicks the front door and storms inside.

35. INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

The Uber driver is dead. Ellen’s family isn’t there. But SWAT finds the husband’s phone.

36. INT. CONTROL ROOM – DAY

Sorenson is told the bad news. Ryan left the husband’s phone behind so the police would track the GPS signal to the driver’s home. Ryan is using a burn phone with a spoof number to call the station, an app that allows him to pirate the husband’s number to disguise his own.

37. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Laughing at police incompetence, Ryan tells Ellen it’s time for her choose one member of her family to die. He threatens her daughters. Ellen pleads for him not to harm them, and Ryan choses her husband by default.

Ellen listens to Ryan drag her husband into the room. Roger tells Ellen he loves her. Ryan shoots him on air. Ryan says, “We’ll be right back after this short break,” and hangs up.

Ellen flees the booth, hysterical.

38. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Sorenson chases and grabs her, and she falls into his arms, sobbing. She says she’s going to be sick.

39. INT. RESTROOM – DAY

Sorenson kicks open the door. Ellen falls into a stall and throws up. Sorenson urges her to be strong. She slaps him, taking out her frustration, and collapses to the floor, unable to go on. Sorenson holds her. He tells her she can’t stop. She must be strong for her daughters.

40. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

The station manager, in a panic, argues with the producer about the dead air. The producer fires back, frustrated, reminding him of Ryan’s rules. The station cannot break from the show.

41. INT. RESTROOM – DAY

Sorenson holds Ellen as she recovers. What can she tell him about Jason? Her patient files are on her laptop in her office. The manager enters. The caller is back and asking for Ellen.

42. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen returns, but it’s not Ryan on the call. It’s a young boy, Bobby – Jason’s protective personality. She engages Bobby. He confirms Roger is dead, but her daughters are safe. Ellen falters, barely able to speak, silent and wiping tears. She stares at nothing, deep in thought. She listens to Bobby.

43. INT. OFFICE – DAY

Sorenson opens Ellen’s laptop. He opens Jason’s file and reads. We see Jason’s picture.

44. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Ellen’s producer and the station manager try to get Ellen to engage Bobby. Sorenson enters carrying Jason’s printed patient file. Everyone looks to him concerned.

MIDPOINT

45. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

A determined look appears in Ellen’s eyes. Her emotions under control, she speaks with Bobby about William. Does he remember William? Everyone wonders what she’s doing.

46. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson scans Jason’s patient file and looks to Ellen stunned. He tells the others that William is a manic-depressive personality with suicidal fantasies. Realizing her intentions, Sorenson warns Ellen her strategy is dangerous and ill-advised.

47. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen, still engaged with Bobby, ignores Sorenson, determined to save her daughters – her way. She’s becoming the psychiatrist she needs to become.

48. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson realizes Ellen’s in control. “It’s her show now.”

49. INT. ON AIR BOOTH – DAY

Ellen delves into Bobby’s psyche. She tries to draw William to the surface. But Bobby resists. He tells her that he never liked William. “He’s always in a bad mood.”

50. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Sorenson receives a call from the police. They have tracked down Jason’s sister. They transfer the call to him. The sister tells Sorenson everything she knows. Will she talk to her brother on air?

51. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen asks Bobby if he will let Jason speak to his sister. Bobby reluctantly agrees, and when Jason is heard, Ellen puts the sister on air to speak with him. She listens to the sister plead with Jason to stop, tormenting Ellen’s conflicted emotions. But when the sister cannot convince Jason to stop, Ellen continues, delving deeper into Jason to draw out William.

52. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

The department alerts Sorenson they may have a lead on Jason’s location, but they need time.

53. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

William reveals himself to Ellen, but Ellen hesitates. This is her point of no return. Once she engages William, there is no going back. William inquires again. Ellen engages him. “Hello, William.”

SECOND ACT TURNING POINT – END OF ACT 2

54. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Sorenson gets the call. They have a fix on Jason. Units are on the way.

55. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen doctors William. Does he understand the situation? Does he understand what Ryan has done?

56. EXT. BRIDGE – DAY

SWAT and the police race across the bridge. VOICEOVER of Ellen speaking to William is heard.

57. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Although anguished by the harm she’s causing, Ellen persists. She presses William hard. Does he want the death of her children on his conscience? She implores William that the only way for him to stop this madness is for him to kill Ryan, which means killing himself.

58. INT. SWAT VAN – DAY

The SWAT team getting ready.

59. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

William pleads for Ellen to stop, but she continues with tears running, torturing herself as she sacrifices her humanity to save her daughters

CRISIS: Ryan intercedes, realizing what Ellen is attempting. He threatens to kill one daughter – now! Ellen confronts Ryan hard, setting the two personalities against one another. She pushes William to find the strength to do what he must. The two personalities fight for dominance, the gun in hand.

60. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson on his phone. SWAT is almost there. The clock is ticking. Sorensen yells they’re out of time.

61. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen in full psychiatric mode. The two personalities fighting like two people in an argument. Ellen pushes William to stop Ryan. Save my daughters!

62. EXT. ABANDONED BUILDING – DAY

The SWAT team swarms the building.

63. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

CLIMAX: William pleads for Ellen to stop. Ellen tells him to look at her daughters. She tells him their names, pressing harder. The personalities go back and forth, William then Ryan until – the gun goes off!

Ellen jumps from her chair. Nothing. Silence. She stares at everything and nothing. Everyone holds their breathes. She hears SWAT kick the door. Lots of noise and confusion. The call drops. Ellen is unable to breathe. Moments hang like minutes.

Sorenson bursts in. Jason is dead. Her daughters are safe. Sorenson catches Ellen as she collapses, sobbing. “What have I done? What have I done?” Sorenson: “What you had to do.”

64. EXT. RADIO STATION – DAY

Press and photographers surround the station. Sorenson walks Ellen to a waiting car.

65. INT. CAR – DAY

The car pulls away from the station. Ellen looks back at Sorenson who’s watching her leave. She places her hand against the glass to wave goodbye.

66. EXT. RADIO STATION – DAY

Sorenson watches Ellen drive away. Camera flashes and questions assail him.

67. INT. POLICE STATION – DAY

Back at the station, Sorenson receives a call from a local physician. He tells Sorenson that Jason was being held for 10-day observation at his clinic under a different name and that he was only released that morning. How could he have planned the kidnapping while he was being held for observation?

Sorenson confirms the physician’s story and realizes Ryan was not one of Jason’s personalities. He was a different person all along, running a sadistic game against Ellen.

68. CUT TO BLACK

VOICEOVER: A morning talk show host is talking about Ellen.

69. EXT. CITYSCAPE – MORNING

VOICEOVER: The host discusses the aftermath of Ellen’s misery. The first caller tells the host he loves the show. It’s Ryan, who says, “I’m a long times listener. First time caller.”

[Anita Gomez]

Hi Dana.

Just read your V.2 and really like it! I have not read anyone else’s feedback to you so my apologies if anything is redundant. First, I love the crux of your story as stated here: “William pleads for Ellen to stop, but she continues with tears running,
torturing herself as she sacrifices her humanity to save her daughters.” This is both dark and intriguing – exploring not only the caller’s psyche, but Ellen’s as well…. and totally believable in the aftermath of her husband’s murder.

I only got confused with the final twist. Was Ryan one of the original calls? Were he and the multi-personality caller in this together or not? Did they call in at different times? If this was playing out where I could hear the difference in voices perhaps I would not have gotten confused.

It has been forever since I saw the flick, “Play Misty for Me” with Clint Eastwood (1971) so I don’t remember the specifics, but what I DO remember is the emotional chill it communicated to me. I think your story has that capacity. If you haven’t watched it, you may want to.

And if you have the time, I’d love some feedback from you on my outline, above, V.2 of “Life Choices”.

Thanks and bravo on your story!

-Anita

[Kate Hawkes]

KATE’S EXCHANGE OUTLINE VERSION #1

(late to the party – been at the dentist for days!! open to any critiques and open to offer any)

CONCEPT/LOGLINE:

A young actress finds that her recently found long absent father wants to destroy a small town that represents her values – now she must choose between the community and her longing for a loving father, ultimately joining them in a ‘sting’ operation and putting on a live ‘tell all’ public theatre performance.

PLOT CHOICE

Maturation

CHARACTER STRUCTURE

Protragonist-Antagonist

LEAD CHARACTERS

Nia (Protagonist) who becomes a powerful adult facing her father Darrogh (Antagonist)

with the help of Luciana (a mentor figure) who tells her the truth of her history

DRAMATIC QUESTION

Will Nia have courage to stand up to her father and help the community save their land?

MAIN CONFLICT

Nia has to come to terms with the truth about her father, both to save the land and free herself of the childhood dream.

DILEMMA:

Nia has to let go of the idealized vision she held of her father to really see this one and then does she forgive him, be the good daughter, take care him? Or walk away and truly be free of him?

THEME:

While secrets often disempower people, knowing the truth frees us.

CHARACTER ARC

Nia moves from passively longing for an imaginary ‘good’ Father to facing the real ‘bad’ one and making choices based on knowing the whole story of her family and ultimately her needs and rights

9 BEATS

1) OPENING SCENE

A desperate crowd at a town meeting, led by Mayor Luciana, discuss how to stay solvent and bemoan the greed of Darrogh. At the same time, a tour bus of actors arriving on the edge of the town, are setting up their campsite, preparing for their play this weekend. Nia falls in love with the beauty of the land and muses to her friends on perhaps staying on there after the tour ends.

2) INCITING INCIDENT

Nia meets Darrogh and finds out he is her long-lost father whom she has idolized. He welcomes her into his palatial home, which means she has to turn away from the locals she had begun to know, especially Luciana, but having a relationship with her father means more to her than anything.

3) BY PAGE 10

Luciana confronts Nia and tells her the truth about Darrogh and how he cheated her family out of the ranch and has affected the entire community. Nia says she believes she can best help by staying with him and that she can turn him around.

4) FIRST TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT ONE

Luciana presents a letter from Darrogh at a town meeting in which he announces he is going to develop a massive landfill on the ranch he ‘bought’ from her family and offering to buy out the other little farms in the area but people have to decide in the next week then the offer is off the table. It will mean the end of their small community but they need the money. Nia, secretly at the back of room, is appalled.

5) MID-POINT

Nia tries to talk with her father and sees a nasty side of him. Luciana reveals to Nia that she knew her Mother. A small group of towns people decide to set up a ‘sting’ company purportedly to manage and expand the landfill. Nia suggests that some of her theatre friends pose as ‘the businessmen’ but she will stay in her father’s house to keep an eye on him and is still hopeful he’ll change.

6) SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT TWO

Darrogh delays signing with the ‘company’ saying he will do it himself and doesn’t need them yet – maybe later in the process. He realizes that Nia is hanging out with Luciana and kicks her out of the house. The surveyors and bulldozers arrive. The ‘company’ makes one more offer, adding that the farms he wanted have agreed to join the deal, thus increasing the potential return on his investment.

7) CRISIS

Darrogh says he will sign the deal with the ‘company’ if the community agree to name the new landfill after him. Nia has to choose between the father she hoped for and the community whose values she shares. She agrees with Luciana that Darrogh be publicly exposed so with her troupe she creates a ‘play’ to which Darrogh is invited on the pretext of gratitude from the community but will really play out the story so he sees the truth.

8) CLIMAX

Performed outdoors at the very hillside where Nia first fell in love with the land and where the landfill was to have begun, with the ‘dozers under the stage lights, Darrogh sees the con revealed after it is too late to back out. He has lost most of his money, all his land and house through the deal he agreed to. From the stage Nia calls him out for the father and person he has been and is.

9) RESOLUTION

The community has their land back and the money to develop a back-to-nature retreat center for future sustainability. Darrogh pleads with Nia to forgive him and take him in. She tells him he must depend on this community because she is going on with her life, free of his shadow and independent. Luciana quietly tells Nia she will find him a place at the ranch she has got back. Nia leaves on the tour bus with the theatre troupe as she had arrived.

PLOT OUTLINE

INT. TOWN MEETING – EARLY EVENING

A desperate crowd at a town meeting, led by the Latina Mayor Luciana, discuss how to stay solvent and bemoan the greed of Darrogh, the local billioniare. They have all lost something of their livelihood to him.

EXT. A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – EARLY EVENING

A tour bus of actors set up their campsite, preparing for their play this weekend. Nia tells Shaun, fellow thespian, she can imagine living there. He agrees – if only to get away from his high-powered biz Mother who is too involved in his life.

INT. LOCAL BAR – NEXT EVENING

Nia and the troupe mingle with the local community, most are fascinated by their life and looking forward to the play they are going to do except Bill, who is suspicious of these ‘alternative’ young theatre people. Luciana introduces herself and asks Nia a lot of questions.

EXT. THE FIELD – SATURDAY EVENING.

The Shakespeare show is ending and Darrogh is watching Nia – she is the living image of her mother, his dead wife.

MEMORY – IMAGE

D sees in Nia his beautiful young wife.

EXT. THE FIELD – SATURDAY EVENING. (CONTINUOUS)

Bill interrupts Darough’s reverie with his concerns about these weird out of towners.

INT. POST OFFICE – NEXT DAY

Nia meets Darrogh in the post office, he invites her to his house, under pretext of wanting to support the troupe.

INT. DARROGH’S PALATIAL HOUSE

Darrogh tells Nia she is his daughter and he is so happy to find her after these years. Talks about how beautiful her Mother was, how Nia looks just like her.

INT. FLASHBACK

Nia has a happy flashback of herself (3) with her Mother and Darrogh watching, smiling.

INT. DARROGH’S PALATIAL HOUSE (CONTINUOUS)

D hints that Amahla (Nia’s mother) let him down badly. He spins a story about what he’s been doing, making himself sound good.

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP – EVENING

Nia says goodbye to the troupe to stay with her father, Luciana urges caution but Nia assures her it will be fine. Shaun has a text from Min, his mother, saying she wants to come and see their last show. He tells her no, he doesn’t want to see her.

INT. DARROGH’S HOUSE – LATER THAT EVENING

Darrogh makes it clear that he doesn’t want Nia mixing with the locals, he wants her to himself making her feel special and loved.

INT. COFFEE SHOP- DAY

Meeting clandestinely, Luciana tells Nia how Darrogh cheated her father out of the family ranch. She is very ‘familiar’, Nia is uncomfortable and rejects the offer to stay at her place, determined to have a relationship with the father who left her 15 years ago when she 7. She believes he is a good person and that she can help him be better because he loves her.

EXT. STREET – SAME TIME

Bill is observing them.

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP

Nia tells Shaun he is not being kind to Min, his Mother, and she wishes she had that kind of attention. Shaun says he can’t let her be too close – she takes over – the classic Chinese Tiger Mother.

INT.TOWN MEETING – EVE

Luciana presents a letter from Darrogh in which he announces he is going to develop a massive landfill on the ranch he ‘bought’ from her family and offering to buy out the other little farms in the area but people have to decide in the next week. Bill suggests it is not a bad thing – an argument ensues, Bill leaves, not seeing –

INT.TOWN MEETING – EVE (CONTINUOUS)

Nia, listening incognito at the back of the room.

EXT. STREET – EVE

Nia is deeply moved by their plight, promises Luciana she will try and help, appeal to his humanity, sure her father loves her enough to listen.

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP

Nia and Shaun meet after the meeting. She says she will stay with D because she’s not afraid to get to know him and dares Shaun to do the same with his Mother. He accepts the dare and texts Min to say Ok you can come if you really want to – not very warmly.

INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – NEXT DAY, BREAKFAST TIME

Nia tries to talk with her father appealing to his humanity. He belittles her as being a child and calls the people in the town losers and worthless because they don’t know how to make good money. Says she is too much like her Mother.

INT. FLASHBACK

A scene when she was 6 and she heard her parents arguing violently.

INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – NEXT DAY, BREAKFAST TIME

D apologizes – he is anxious about the land deal – it means so much to him. He brushes off her concerns.

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP

Nia, shaken by her memory, meets Luciana who tells her she knew her mother when they were in college , filling her in (to some degree) on her Mother’s suicide, how Darrogh had isolated her and then did the same with the child Nia, and assures Nia she will always be there for her. She invites her to her house where there is to be small group meeting to decide what to do.

EXT. FROM A ROAD SIDE

Bill observes them from afar with binoculars..

INT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE – EVENING

A small group of towns people decide to set up a ‘sting’ company purportedly to manage and expand the landfill. Nia suggests that some of her theatre friends pose as ‘the businessmen’ but she will stay in her father’s house to keep an eye on him, still hopeful he’ll change.

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP – NEXT DAY

Nia proposes the sting project – all agree and Shaun (who is sweet on Nia) says his mother can help set that up being very pro-environment and the rights of ‘small’ people. Before he can ask her, he gets a text from Min saying she has decided not to come – he is right and she needs to give him more room. She will send some advice for the fake business proposal.

INT. LUCIANAS HOUSE – 3 DAYS LATER

Rehearsal (with a script) of the ‘businessmen’ for the meeting with Darrogh.

INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – 4 DAYS LATER

The ‘Businessmen’ meet with Darrogh, who is interested but delays signing it – he will do it himself and doesn’t need them yet – maybe later in the process. He is trying to get more land from the other farmers to have the biggest landfill ever made.

INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – LATER THAT DAY

Bill tells Darrogh he has seen Luciana and Nia together a lot and he knows that Luciana and Darrogh have a history – suspects they are old lovers. D laughs, it’s no-one’s business but L did him wrong years ago. Thanks him for keeping an eye on his daughter.

INT. DARROGH’S HOUSE – EVENING

He confronts Nia about seeing so much of Luciana. Bill told him. Tells her L caused Amahla’s (Nia’s mother) death, that they were lovers and the shame was too much for Amahla. Nia very confused remembering that she was uncomfortable with Luciana that time, and she leaves the room.

INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – NIAS’ ROOM – LATER THAT NIGHT

Nia texting Shaun when Darough bursts in, says it’s him or them and anyway he doesn’t trust her – she doesn’t have his best interest at heart and she can go join the riff-raff as that’s her type anyway. Kicks her out of the house then and there, saying ‘you’ve let me down like your Mother’. She leaves with only what she arrived with.

INT. FLASHBACK

As she makes her way to the camp, to when he kicked her Mother out (when Nia was 6)

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP

Nia arrives distraught. She doesn’t know who to trust but tells them about Bill spying on them and will keep going with the ‘sting’. Shaun was one of the fake businessmen when D didn’t sign the deal and now he really needs to get Min more on board plus he is moved by Nia’s hopeful and needy love for her father who Shaun can see is a shit. He calls his mother who agrees to come in person next week because she likes the sting project.

EXT. THE FIELD – A WEEK LATER

The surveyors and bulldozers arrive. Everyone is frantic.

INT.DARROUGHS HOUSE – 2 DAYS LATER

The’ Businessmen’ make a second proposal- they have ‘sales agreements’ from surrounding farms to their company. He is still not sure, tells them to wait.

EXT. THE FIELD – SAME TIME

Meanwhile the surveyors are at work in the land that he already has, beginning in the field where Nia first camped and where the Troupe’s bus still is.

EXT. THE FIELD – AFTERNOON

Min arrives to be part of the ‘businessmen’ to meet D one more time. Min and Luciana hit it off. Shaun sees her as others in the troupe see her and the first time appreciates her, even as he is also a bit jealous of her easy relationship with the others and is torn between letting her into his life and keeping his autonomy. Nia sees in Min/Luciana comfort level what she fears – her father is right.

INT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE – EVENING

Nia has it out with Luciana demanding the whole truth about her Mother’s death and their relationship, and sees for a first time a pure clear love. Luciana knew Amahla was straight and loved D so she left hoping they’d make it

FLASHBACK –

Luciana and Amahla are wrapping up the conversation when D comes in, misreads it all, refuses to hear anything more.

INT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE (CONT)

L tells Nia her mother did commit suicide but because of the pain of cancer and the fact she was kept from her daughter. Nia says that no one told her that, only that her mother died from cancer, and it broke her father’s heart – he couldn’t look at her it hurt too much. Nia always thought it love not disgust..

EXT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE

Bill is lurking and Nia calls him out – warning him to leave her and Luciana alone – for the firts time taking a stand.

INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – DAY

The ‘businessmen’, lead by Min, meet with Darrogh – he says he will sign the deal with the ‘company’ if the community agree to name the new landfill after him, with a big fancy gate. He is very excited and calls Nia to come and have lunch with him.

INT. PHONE CALL

Nia says she needs some time to think about it – that she is still upset about the landfill even though he is her father. He promises he’ll make sure everyone is taken care of if she’ll just come back.

INT. LUCIANAS HOUSE

Talking more with Luciana and some others, Nia chooses the community. Luciana says it is not enough to get the money from Darrogh, he has to be held publicly accountable. Nia comes up with the idea a play specially written to be performed and expose the whole story. There is to be a ribbon-cutting event next week to name the new landfill (even though it is not quite yet under construction). The perfect time to do it.

EXT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE

3 of the men at the meeting run Bill out of town.

INT. DARROGH’S HOUSE – 2 DAYS LATER

D alone at his desk. Tries to call Nia, no answer.

INT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE – NEXT DAY

Min and Luciana over coffee discuss how to make sure D comes to the play. – a special invite, a naming event at the landfill, and Nia will see him there.

EXT. THE FIELD – EVENING – 1 WEEK LATER – ON STAGE

The play is performed, outdoors under lights with the ‘dozers in the periphery, and slowly Darrogh recognizes the story and his role in it. (Includes a re-worked scene from ‘Lear’ with Cordelia).

EXT. THE FIELD – EVENING – (CONTINUOUS) – IN THE AUDENCE

D makes a scene demanding the contract be cancelled, but Min shows him it is all legitimate and there is nothing he can do. Luciana challenges D to stay for the end of the performance by his daughter. D takes his seat loudly sure Nia will take his side.

EXT. THE FIELD – EVENING – (CONTINUOUS) – ON STAGE

Nia performs the murder scene from ‘Othello’ with Nia (as Desdemona) looking like Amahla) and ends by calling D out for his failures as a father and sharing her grief as someone who now sees the truth is not like she had imagined and hoped – and had been told.

EXT. THE FIELD – EVENING – AFTER THE PERFORMANCE

D, heartbroken, appalled, slinks off to his house, leaving a party in his wake.

EXT. THE FIELD – EVENING – LATER

Shaun had played a key role in the performance and Min saw him in a new way, appreciating the life he has chosen.

INT. TOWN MEETING – A WEEK LATER – DAY

The community has their land back and the money to develop a back-to-nature retreat center for future sustainability as some had hoped for years. Nia thanks them all for everything – she can’t stay but needs to go on with her life. Luciana promises she’ll always have a home here.

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP

Min and Shaun agree to stay closer – she will support his choice of life and work, he will keep her involved.

INT: DARROGH’S HOUSE- LATE AFTERNOON

Nis visits her father one last time and he pleads with Nia to forgive him and take him in. The house is to be foreclosed and he’ll have nowhere to go. She forgives him, but says he must depend on this community because she is going on with her life, free and independent. She refuses the car he offers for her travels.

INT: DARROGH’S HOUSE- LATE AFTERNOON (CONTINUOUS)

Nia walks out the door and down the grand driveway.

EXT. THE FIELD – HALF AN HOUR LATER – EARLY EVENING

The ‘dozers and surveyors pegs are gone, the Troupe is packing up, Luciana and Min helping. Shaun hugs his Mother goodbye, Luciana gives Nia a letter to read later and Nia and Shaun leave on the bus as they had arrived.

VOICE OVER

Letter from Luciana telling Nia not to worry about Darrogh, that because she loved Nia’s mother who loved Darrogh and gave birth to Nia, she will find him a place at the ranch she now has back.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Kate Hawkes.

[Kate Hawkes]

please feel free to jump in

[anna harper]

Hello Kate, Loved the Shakespear references. Your screenplay also reminded me of Shakespear in Love (using the play to communicate to the antagonist).

Your outline flows well. I could understand the plot and the relationships of the characters.

I think Othello’s influence added the most powerful twist to the plot. Only wondering about the antagonist’s character arc; He is all bad guy right until the end. Does he have any other ways of sucking us in with any fragment of positive/honest traits, or even social skills throughout?

The ending is a satisfying HEA wrap-up. Is there any way the angst could be amped up to make the ending more powerful? Just wondering. This is a sophisticated piece and I am sure it will be enjoyed by your audiences. Best of luck Anna

[Kate Hawkes]

Thank you Anna, glad you got the Shakes stuff!! I am hoping that the early flashback scenes and memories show how much he loved Amahla and how devastated he was when he thought she was lesbian.. I can amp that up in their dialogue – and how that then ruined his life. And then his joy at finding Nia but he cant get over his need to control and lack of trust… Maybe we need a flashback scene where we see what Nia’s life was like being raised by her grandparents – his parents? perhaps when she is telling Shaun how lucky he is to have his Mother..

re amping up the angst at the end .. hmm. I envision the last few scenes after the reveal play – the absolute climax – to be pretty fast.. but I’ll look at it.. if that is what you mean…

Feel free to expand 🙂

[Antonio]

Dear Kate,

This is exactly like Christina Aguilera’s song… “It Keeps Getting Better!” you don’t know how much I enjoyed reading through your outline. To avoid a very long posting, I am including only comments and suggestions, OK?

CONCEPT/LOGLINE:

A young actress finds that her recently found long absent father wants to destroy a small town that represents her values – now she must choose between the community and her longing for a loving father.

ANTONIO: Through this text, I see the protagonist, the antagonist, the conflict and the dilemma. I can see the movie.

ANTONIO: The section: “ultimately joining them in a ‘sting’ operation and putting on a live ‘tell all’ public theatre performance” might be too detailed and leading us away from the essence. You may want to think about it.

ANTONIO: Perhaps it would be a good idea to brainstorm on ways to elevate the phrase: “a small town that represents her values”

“…a small town that she loves”

“…a small town where she finds a sense of belonging”

“…a small town where she finds a sense of identity”

[You may want to produce more ideas here…]

CHARACTER STRUCTURE

ANTONIO: [CHECK SPELLING] Protragonist-Antagonist

LEAD CHARACTERS

ANTONIO: The suggested format may help clarify this section

[Who (name)] + identity + what they do in the story

Nia + a young actress + who becomes a powerful adult facing her long absent father

Darrogh + a billionaire + is Nia’s long absent father, who wants to destroy…

Luciana + small town mayor + is the one who tells Nia the truth of her history

MAIN CONFLICT

ANTONIO: Probably, identifying the type of conflict as “fantasy against reality” and describing it as: Nia’s father is not Nia’s childhood-idealized image of him, but rather a selfish, cold-hearted man who wants to destroy the small town where Nia finds a sense of identity (?).

DILEMMA:

ANTONIO: In this section, you need to give us TWO OPTIONS, and none of them should be perfect. The protagonist sacrifices something no matter what she choses.

One option could be: To forgive her father and look on a different direction while he destroys the small town [Nia could take this option, hoping to make her father change in the future, but at the cost of…]

And the other option could be: To engage in conflict with her father [this option will give Nia a place to land, but at the cost of abandoning her hope of ever having her dream father]

PLOT OUTLINE

INT. TOWN MEETING – EARLY EVENING

Darrogh, the local [CHECK SPELLING] billioniare.

EXT. A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – EARLY EVENING

[ANTONIO: SUGGESTION FOR ESSENCE-ONLY] A tour bus of actors set up their campsite. NIA [identify protagonist] tells SHAUN, fellow thespian, she can imagine living there. He agrees. [ANTONIO: here is the point where you thought to introduce Shaun’s mother subtext, which is great. Be brief.]

INT. LOCAL BAR – NEXT EVENING

[ANTONIO: SUGGESTION FOR ESSENCE-ONLY] Nia and the troupe mingle with the local community. Most of the town people are looking forward to the play, except for Bill, who is suspicious of these ‘alternative’ young theatre people. Mayor Luciana asks Nia a lot of questions.

EXT. THE FIELD – SATURDAY EVENING.

[ANTONIO: SUGGESTION FOR ESSENCE-ONLY] The Shakespeare show is ending. Darrogh watches Nia – she is the living image of her mother, his dead wife.

MEMORY – IMAGE

D sees in Nia his beautiful young wife.

INT. POST OFFICE – NEXT DAY

[ANTONIO: SUGGESTION ON PUNCTUATION] Nia meets Darrogh in the post office. He invites her to his house, under pretext of wanting to support the troupe.

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP – EVENING

[ANTONIO: I SEE SUBTEXT HERE!] Shaun has a text from Min, his mother, saying she wants to come and see their last show. He tells her no, he doesn’t want to see her. [ANTONIO: SHOW NO TELL. You could include the brief text message, so we all understand that he doesn’t want to see her.]

INT. DARROGH’S HOUSE – LATER THAT EVENING

Darrogh makes it clear that he doesn’t want Nia mixing with the locals, he wants her to himself [ANTONIO: SHOW NO TELL] making her feel special and loved.

INT. COFFEE SHOP- DAY

[ANTONIO: SUGGESTION FOR ESSENCE-ONLY] Meeting clandestinely, Luciana tells Nia how Darrogh cheated her father out of the family ranch. Nia is uncomfortable and rejects the offer to stay at her place. She believes he is a good person and that she can help him be better because he loves her.

[ANTONIO: “…who left her 15 years ago when she 7.” This could be part of the questions Luciana asks Nia when they first meet. This way, there is less exposition here.]

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP

[ANTONIO: Now I see how important is the introduction of Shaun’s mom in the very first scene, so you don’t need to remind us twice about who she is and her name] Nia tells Shaun he is not being kind to Min, his Mother…

INT.TOWN MEETING – EVE

[ANTONIO: THIS SCENE COULD BE TRANSLATED TO ESSENCE ONLY] Luciana presents a letter from Darrogh in which he announces he is going to develop a massive landfill on the ranch he ‘bought’ from her family and offering to buy out the other little farms in the area but people have to decide in the next week. Bill suggests it is not a bad thing – an argument ensues, Bill leaves, not seeing –

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP

[ANTONIO: SUGGESTION FOR ESSENCE-ONLY] Nia says she’s not afraid to get to know her father and dares Shaun to do the same with his Mother. Shaun texts Min to say she can come.

EXT. THE FIELD – AFTERNOON

[ANTONIO: THIS SCENE MAY NEED SOME WORK 1. “SHOW NO TELL” 2. ESSENCE-ONLY] Min arrives to be part of the ‘businessmen’ to meet D one more time. Min and Luciana hit it off. Shaun sees her as others in the troupe see her and the first time appreciates her, even as he is also a bit jealous of her easy relationship with the others and is torn between letting her into his life and keeping his autonomy. Nia sees in Min/Luciana comfort level what she fears – her father is right.

[ANTONIO: Reading through these scenes, I was thinking on ways to creatively use the flashbacks. I was thinking that from the moment that Luciana meets with Nia for the first time, she may have feel frightened, as if she had seen the ghost of her mother. Why don’t you write those flashbacks as supernatural encounters between the ghost of the mother and Luciana, using Luciana’s POV?

For example, imagine how much exciting the scene where Nia comes to ask Luciana the truth about her (Luciana’s) relationship with her father and suddenly, in the eyes of Luciana, Nia transforms into her mother.

Then, if it was from Nia’s POV, the scene could turn into a theater stage where Luciana is one of the characters and Nia is directing, acting, or writing the script with her. Just like breaking the boundaries between the narrative’s reality and the characters’ imagination.]

INT. LUCIANAS HOUSE

[ANTONIO: Great. Here it comes the answer to the dilemma] Talking more with Luciana and some others, Nia chooses the community. Luciana says it is not enough to get the money from Darrogh, he has to be held publicly accountable. Nia comes up with the idea a play specially written to be performed and expose the whole story.

[ANTONIO: …the idea OF a play…(?)]

[ANTONIO: The following paragraph may not be needed at this point for the outline essence only. Think about it]

There is to be a ribbon-cutting event next week to name the new landfill (even though it is not quite yet under construction). The perfect time to do it.

EXT. THE FIELD – EVENING – (CONTINUOUS) – ON STAGE

[ANTONIO: WOW! Now imagine this scene and the voice over with the supernatural style where past and present, live and dead, reality and imagination just become one]

Nia performs the murder scene from ‘Othello’ with Nia (as Desdemona) looking like Amahla) and ends by calling D out for his failures as a father and sharing her grief as someone who now sees the truth is not like she had imagined and hoped – and had been told.

VOICE OVER

Letter from Luciana telling Nia not to worry about Darrogh, that because she loved Nia’s mother who loved Darrogh and gave birth to Nia, she will find him a place at the ranch she now has back.

[ANTONIO: Hope this helps, Kate!]

[Kate Hawkes]

thank you SO much for all this careful response. I will print it off, pour a glass of wine, pick up a pencil and read it. :))

[Antonio]

Hey, Kate! Wait up! If wine is going to be part of this… make it TWO glasses, one on my behalf! Haha! Now seriously, hope those comments help.

I went to read one of your early postings and found that you had more complete descriptions of the characters. I like the diversity that you envision in the community. Nia’s mother was African-American, while the Mayor is Latina, and Min and his mom are Chinese, and so it goes.

Keep it up!

Antonio

[Matthew Frendo]

I actually just redid mine almost completely. But the concept is the same.

– Concept –

What if the judicial system was switched to social media voting, with those found guilty having to go through livestreamed battles and deadly challenges as people at home vote on their punishment?
– Lead Characters –

Dramatic triangle:

Alicia is the rich girl who can’t do anything on her own but must find a way to survive.

The Host is a power-hungry do-gooder who runs the games and thrives on having power over people.

The audience is the triangle character, as their votes and actions determine how the games, and the final conflict, goes.

– Character Arc

Part to be changed: Alicia is rich girl who always feels scared and alone

Biggest fear: that she’s not worthy of love.

Completion of arc: she’s a strong woman who can stand on her own and finds a place she can belong

– Main Conflict, Dramatic Question, Dilemma

. b. Dramatic Question: Can Alicia, a rich girl with no fighting skills, find a way to survive the games?
c. Main conflict: The players must survive violent “games”, as social media users try to find new ways to hurt and kill them.
d. Dilemma: Will Alicia try to survive her own game and let innocent people die or give up her life so her father and her friends’ loved ones can survive?

– Theme

To be the hero you truly are, you must sacrifice what you used to be.

– Plot/Structure

Ascension – Alicia starts as a weak girl who can’t do anything on her own and changes through the games into a battle-hardened strong woman who will stand up to anything without fear.

Opening Montage of how society got to the point where social media is used a judicial system, then opening as host introduces characters and rules.
Inciting Incident. To add something new to the games, the prisoners’ loved ones are kept in a cage with a bomb…and if they don’t go through the challenges quickly enough, the bomb goes off.
By page 10, you know what the movie is about. First person, a mild mother, enters her game and is shown to be a closet racist. She is killed horrifically by audience votes.

First turning point at end of Act 1 A player is about to die, when Alicia jumps in and helps. The first time ever someone helped another person. The group decides to work together to survive.
Mid-Point Chester, who was protecting Alicia through the game, dies, leaving her alone with Nick and 2 others who are weak. Now, she has to stand on her own.

Second turning point at end of Act 2. Some of the audience starts to like the team…and use the pay option to try and help the players instead of kill them.
Crisis. Alicia has a choice: She can try to survive her own game and let the room get blown up or sacrifice herself for her father and her new friends’ loved ones.
Climax Alicia enters her room and finds out she unknowingly caused her best childhood friend to kill herself after mocking her for years when they got older. She breaks down over it. Knowing she can’t complete her game in time, she decides to bravely face her death to make sure the people in the room survive.

Just as Alicia is about to do it—

BOOM

Bomb room explodes. Host comes out and gives fake reason for blowing it up. Then he whispers that he told her she wouldn’t’ beat him.

The players fight, so he calls in the Elite military. They come in and grab the players. When all looks lost, audience members start using the pay option to fight the military.

Battle ensues. Alicia beats Host, who is then killed by Bullet.
Resolution The players walk down the hall and out of the games, haggard, bloody and beaten.

ESSENCE OUTLINE

OPENING MONTAGE

A montage shows how the world switched the judicial system to social media voting, with everyone monitored and recorded constantly, as they give a quick rundown of how it all works.

NOTE-THIS IS HOW IT WORKS: These people were voted to be morally wrong by users on social media and now must pay the price. They will go together into a maze and in that maze, each will have to go through a challenge room. If they survive whatever challenges are given, they live and the group moves on. If they die, the group moves on without them. And each room will also offer a pay-to-play option for viewers, letting people control a device in the room and kill the player themselves for a high cost.

Then they announce the start of the show.

INT. SOCIAL MEDIA VOTERS 1 – DAY

A family cheers, with three kids.

INT. SOCIAL MEDIA VOTERS 2 – DAY

A group of college aged friends party it up.

INT. SOCIAL MEDIA VOTERS 3 – DAY

A group of high society women gather together and watch happily.

INT. OPENING ARENA – DAY

Host introduces characters. These include pretty rich girl ALICIA, hardened thug NICK, older, grizzled man CHESTER, and a small, taciturn girl named NATALIE, who is so quiet she can’t even speak to the audience. Alicia pleads for them to stop, saying she shouldn’t be there and did nothing wrong. The host also points out JOHN “THE BULLET” SAWYER, the only player in 30 years to live through the games, who is living the high life with girls and food and booze in the crowd.

INT. ENTRY TO FIRST GAME – DAY

Some are nervous, Nick is excited, believing he can win and make his life better. Alicia tells them all that they shouldn’t do it and that no one can make them. While she gives her impassioned plea, the host shows them the–

INT. BOMB ROOM – DAY

A room at the bottom of the building where their closest friend or relative is being held. As a new twist to please the audience, if the players can’t finish in the time allotted, the bomb goes off and kills all their loved ones. Alicia’s dad is in there.

INT. AUDIENCE STAGE – DAY

The host makes a joke about it, as the audience cheers the new development.

INT. ENTRY TO FIRST GAME – DAY

Nick is trying to force the first player in, until Alicia tries to protest. He is about to get violent, when Chester steps in and saves her. Then Nick suddenly pushes in the first player, who still doesn’t want to go. (Note: players can watch the game from the door, as it plays on a screen).

INT. FIRST GAME ROOM – DAY

Once she’s in, they show her “sin.” And it turns out she is a closet racist. She is killed horribly and graphically.

INT. AUDIENCE STAGE – DAY

Host makes pun about her death and crowd loves it.

INT. SECOND GAME ROOM – DAY

The players watch the next person go in and die. The only one unphased is Nick, who doesn’t care. And he is still mugging Alicia hard. Alicia is staying by Chester’s side.

INT. ENTRY TO THIRD GAME – DAY

They talk about how they are all sitting ducks. They are now nearly silent and despondent about the situation.

INT. THIRD GAME ROOM – DAY

Third player is having trouble in his room, which is a puzzle.

INT. ENTRY TO THIRD GAME – DAY

Alicia watches the puzzle.

INT. THIRD GAME ROOM – DAY

Third player is getting the puzzle wrong and it’s getting worse as social media users start to come at him hard.

INT. ENTRY TO THIRD GAME – DAY

Alicia keeps doing the puzzle in her head, getting it.

INT. THIRD GAME ROOM – DAY

Third player is wrong and about to die when Alicia jumps in and starts doing it.

INT. AUDIENCE STAGE – DAY

Host talks about how this has never happened before to hushed crowd.

INT. SOCIAL MEDIA VOTERS 1 – DAY

The family starts to hoot and holler for their son to get her.

INT. THIRD GAME ROOM – DAY

Alicia starts to do the puzzle and save him. The voter is about to kill her, when Chester comes in and saves her. They finish the puzzle and win together.

INT. AUDIENCE STAGE – DAY

Host makes a joke about how they won’t survive much longer.

INT. SOCIAL MEDIA VOTERS 1 – DAY

The son is disappointed and pissed.

INT. BEHIND SCENES OF AUDIENCE STAGE – DAY

The Bullet asks the Host if they are going to make it harder. The Host laughs it off, saying it was a one time thing that will boost clicks.

INT. ENTRY TO FOURTH GAME – DAY

They decide to work together to get out. Nick isn’t happy about it and says he’ll still be on his own. Natalie doesn’t work with them because the small girl is too scared and just hides in the corner.

INT. FOURTH GAME ROOM – DAY

The team wins by working together. Alicia tries to use a gun, which she immediately fails at, leaving Chester to save her again.

INT. SOCIAL MEDIA VOTERS 2 – DAY

They throw something at the voter who failed at killing them.

INT. BEHIND SCENES OF AUDIENCE STAGE – DAY

Moral authorities come to the host, worried about people working together and that it might give other citizens ideas about thinking for themselves and questioning the right way of things. Host replies that they’ll fuck it all up themselves soon enough and then those ideas will vanish. But he looks worried.

INT. FIFTH GAME ROOM – DAY

They play the game as a team and win even easier than last time. Alicia picks up a bat and manages to use it in a way that helps them win.

INT. SOCIAL MEDIA VOTERS 3 – DAY

The group of women are now bored.

INT. AUDIENCE STAGE – DAY

The crowd is getting bored too. The government authorities look at the host gravely. The host talks in his headset, telling them to get the contingency plan ready.

INT. SIXTH GAME ROOM

They start to win, but Alicia gets overconfident and it ruins things. Chester dies saving her, and 2 others die in the room with him.

INT. BEHIND SCENES OF AUDIENCE STAGE- DAY

Host says to call off contingency, then smiles big at the moral authorities and tells them he was right all along and it’s all over now.

INT. ENTRY TO SIXTH GAME – DAY

Alicia crumples out of the room alone, a broken mess. Nick says I told you so.

INT. HALLWAY / ENTRY TO ROOM 7 – DAY

Natalie sidles up to Alicia and speaks for the first time, asking for help in the next room, even though she was too afraid to help them before. Alicia replies with a cryptic no.

INT. SEVENTH ROOM – DAY

Natalie goes in alone and even though the audience is easy on her, she is about to die. At the last minute, Alicia grabs her and saves her. A gun comes out on a drone—

INT. AUDIENCE STAGE – DAY

Host tells the audience that the voters at home now have a choice on who to kill.

MONTAGE

People vote on social media.

INT. AUDIENCE STAGE – DAY

Host reveals people voted to…stand down. For the first time ever, the audience decided to stand down.

INT. SEVENTH ROOM – DAY

The two leave the room unharmed.

CUTS TO DINNER BREAK

INT. BEHIND AUDIENCE STAGE – DAY

Host is livid, moral authorities are on his back. He talks to Bullet and says something has to be done to make it right.

INT. DINNER – EVENING

Players get meal as station takes a break. They talk some about their lives on the outside and bond.

INT. AUDIENCE STAGE – EVENING

They are interviewing Bullet at intermission. He thanks the audience for putting him through so much pain and making him a better person for the world.

INT. EIGHTH ROOM – NIGHT

They work as a team without Nick and are getting out fine. Then a gun kills one of the players after they already won.

MONTAGE

Audience members gasp in horror.

INT. BEHIND AUDIENCE STAGE – NIGHT

Moral authority asks why he didn’t kill Alicia instead of the one who died. He replies that if he had, she would be a martyr. And his way, he’ll break her spirit before ending her, making sure no one tries it again.

INT. AUDIENCE STAGE – NIGHT

Then he goes on stage and acts like the death was normal and without foul play. The audience isn’t buying it.

INT. NINTH ROOM – NIGHT

Nick’s room. He goes in alone and does horribly. He is about to die, when Alicia rushes in to help. She isn’t going to make it. Then an audience member who paid to play uses their weapon to help her and Nick, fighting against the game with them.

INT. AUDIENCE STAGE – NIGHT

The host watches them leave the room, furious. Then he’s informed that they are going to bring the players onto the stage. He refuses, but they point out it’s done every year and it will look weak if they don’t do it now. This is the first year more than one person has made it this far.

INT. BEHIND AUDIENCE STAGE – NIGHT

Players get ready to go on stage and meet Bullet. Find out he does live the high life…but is never allowed to be alone or go outside without permission, so no one finds out how screwed up this thing made him.

INT. AUDIENCE STAGE – NIGHT

They bring out the players to cheers…until little Natalie makes a speech that touches them all. It silences the place as the players walk off. A guard tries to manhandle her and the audience starts to throw things at the stage. They rush the players off.

INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT

Natalie tells Alicia she was her inspiration for speaking and gave he the confidence she needed.

INT. ENTRY TO ROOM 10 – NIGHT

Alicia’s room. They all agree, even Nick, to help her. And they still have minutes to go to stop the bomb, so should be no worries.

INT. TENTH ROOM – NIGHT

Alicia enters…and finds out her sin. She had a best friend as a kid, who helped her when she got picked on. When the got older, Alicia got pretty and the other girl didn’t and Alicia mocked her relentlessly to make friends. The girl ended up killing herself. Alicia buckles from the pain.

Then she looks at her challenge and sees that they purposefully made it too long to win. Alicia decides to sacrifice herself to save her father and her friends’ loved ones. But right before she is about to die—

BOOM

Bomb room blows up anyway.

INT. TENTH ROOM – NIGHT

Host comes out and explains that the player in room 8 wasn’t fully dead. And since he didn’t complete the maze, it isn’t finished. Since they won’t make it in time, he figured he would do it now and stop Alicia from hurting herself (and becoming a martyr). The players fight back, as troops come in to protect the host.

The military has them…until the players who paid to play start using their weapons against the military. A battle ensues. Alicia and Host face off, with Alicia beating the host, and then Bullet killing him.

INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT

The players walk out of the hall, away from the game.

[Dev Ross]

DEV ROSS

“CAINE AND ABLE” VERSION 3 (Thanks for your notes my fellow writers!!)

Concept: Outshined by the latest hate groups, a fading KKK Grand Dragon plots the murder of a black leader, but when he wakes the next morning, he is that black leader who is suddenly struck with a plan to murder the Grand Dragon.

Plot Choice: Rivalry

Character Structure: Protagonist vs Antagonist

Lead Characters: CLAY CAINE is a fading KKK Grand Dragon struggling to regain his former power who, in his fight to regain power, loses his family. LINCOLN ABLE is a Black Leader who works for the good of his community, who loses his family when he buys into revenge. The two are both sides of the same man only they exit in alternate universes.

Dramatic Question: Will the Grand Dragon assassinate the Black Leader?

Main Conflict: Will his obsession cause him to lose his wife and family?

Dilemma: He can’t stop because the man he’s trying to kill is now trying to kill him.

Theme: Hate ultimately destroys you.

9 BEATS:

OPENING: During increasing climate change issues — KKK Grand Dragon CLAY CAINE is booed off stage at Supremacy conference for being a SINO – Supremacist in name only…

INCITING INCIDENT: Cross burning on his lawn.

Page 10: Clay is a fading leader who is struggling to regain his power and influence as KKK leader as new White Supremacists groups have now captured the nation’s attention. His marriage is failing as well and he dismisses climate events as bull shit. Finally, a cross is burned on his lawn when his daughter is found out to be pregnant with a black man’s baby.

First Turning point, End Act 1: Clay interrupts increasing extremely odd weather as a sign from God to him to murder rising Black Leader, Lincoln Able.

ACT TWO:

He wakes up (in alt universe) as that Black Leader with an uncharacteristic desire to kill the Grand Dragon.

Mid. Pt: Clay accuses his wife of having an affair with a black man, kills her.

Second Turning point at end of Act II: In order to purse Clay, Lincoln forces his wife out of the car, which leads to her death.

Crisis: Caine can’t accept truth about sister and his own half-black heritage.

Climax: As two worlds collide (caused by climate/String Theory) and as they are dying, the two men finally understand that they are just the alt version of the other in an alternate universe.

Resolution: A whole strand in the multi-universe has been formed.

1.EXT. SPACE – ON MULTI-UNIVERSES

Per String Theory, multiple strands of alternate universes exist side by side.

PUSH IN ON TWO STRANDS: Both show the signs of extreme climate events and are both slowly disintegrating with tendrils from each drifting into the opposite strand.

PUSH INTO ONE STRAND, THEN INTO its Earth’s atmosphere, into the United States, into…

2. EXT. FAIR GROUNDS – WHITE SUPREMACIST RALLY – SUMMER DAY

Amid increasing climate events, KKK Grand Dragon CLAY CAINE speaks at White Supremacist event and gets booed off stage as a SINO, a Supremacist in Name Only. He’s replaced by a youthful White Supremacist, the hot new ticket in the hate game.

3. EXT. STRANDS – CONTINUOUS

PUSH INTO second strand.

4. EXT. FAIR GROUNDS – GET OUT THE VOTE RALLY – DAY

Amid increasing climate events, Black Leader LINCOLN ABLE speaks to an adoring crowd of blacks about voting for progressive change.

5. EXT. SPACE – ON TWO STRANDS

ZOOM into first strand.

2. INT. CAINE HOME – DINING ROOM – EVENING

Clay’s wife, HANNAH, a nurse, demurely suggests it’s time to leave Klan to focus on family. Daughter, EMMY, is off to meet a boyfriend she remains secretive about.

3. INT. CAINE HOME – TV ROOM – NIGHT

Clay changes the news channel from ‘bullshit climate change’ to coverage on WS rally: “Jews will not convert us! Blacks will not pervert us!” Shakes his head, this is not the way to bring the change they want. Cites bible.

4. INT. CAINE’S BATHROOM – NIGHT

He brushes his teeth. Stops to gaze at his reflection; FLASHBACKS to…

5. EXT. KLAN RALLY – NIGHT – FLASHBACK

Clay’s grandfather, Grand Dragon AUGUST ABLE gives a wickedly ‘patriotic’ speech filled with fiery biblical references to shouted praises. A cross burns as a mesmerized seven-year-old Clay, dressed in Klan robe, watches.

6. INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

Clay prays for a sign from God to tell him how to regain his former influence to stop the rising tide of Godless liberalism.

8. EXT. JOB SITE – DAY

Clay house paints. The homeowner, an elderly woman, asks if he’d be willing to mentor/apprentice her twelve-year-old grandson who’s coming to live with her. Clay quotes Proverbs 22:6. “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it.”

9. EXT. CLAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Odd, disturbing weather outside. Tendrils of light float across the sky. O.S. news pundits blame the phenomena on the Chinese while climate scientists beg to differ.

10. INT. CLAY’S BASEMENT – KKK MEETING – CONTINUOUS

Clay reminds dwindling KKK members that their members used to be respectable doctors, lawyers and politicians who were gentleman first, Christian men with integrity, not wild-eyed terrorists.

11. EXT. HOUSE PAINTING JOB SITE – DAY

The elderly woman introduces her half black grandson, ELIJAH, to Clay. Clay refuses to mentor the boy as God prohibits race mixing. Saying she knows more than he thinks, she leaves the boy with him.

Clay, on edge, insists Elijah will have to work much harder than others to be decent. Elijah insists he will, doesn’t want to be like his father. Clay relates…

14. INT. CLAY’S CHILDHOOD HOME – DAY – FLASHBACK

Behind closed door, Clay’s father beats his wife while young Clay and his sister play inside a suitcase with female clothing strewn about.

15. INT. CLAY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Clay spurns Hannah’s attempt at sex. He’s tired. She’s tired of him refusing him. It escalates – a lot — until — shouts of “Nigger lovers” come from outside.

16. EXT. CLAY’S HOME – NIGHT

Trucks flying Confederate flags screech away. A cross burns on Clay’s lawn. Effigy hangs with sign “Nigger Lovers.”

17. EXT. CLAY’S HOME – MORNING

Emmy knocks on the door, wants to know if her parents are okay.

18. INT. CLAY’S HOME – CONTINUOUS

Emmy admits the cross burning is her fault. Discloses she’s pregnant with a black baby. Clay freaks, disowns her, kicks her out.

19. EXT. CLAY’S HOME – CONTINOUS

Mother and daughter touch palms through front window.

20. INT. CLAY’S HOME – LATER

Hannah’s leaving for work, comments on how successful Black Leader LINCOLN ABLE is. Clay takes her comments as a dig. Hannah insists it’s not that. Times are changing, maybe he should too.

21. EXT. HOUSE PAINTING JOB – DAY

A violent wind blows over the ladder which knocks over the paint before Elijah can right it. The boy covers his head to block the blows he knows are coming. Clay freezes, remembers…

22. INT. CLAY’S CHILDHOOD HOME – FLASHBACK – DAY

Yelling that he’s just like his mother, his daddy hits young Clay over and over again…

24. EXT. HOUSE PAINTING JOB – DAY

Clay grabs Elijah into a hug.

25. EXT. STREETS – LATE DAY

Driving home, Clay berates himself about the boy. Must keep to his grandfather’s principles! FLASHBACK TO:

26. EXT. STREAM – DAY

Clay fishes with his grandpa who imbues him with KKK principles of family and Christianity. He’ll save the boy but nobody can ever know about his mother…

OUT OF FLASHBACK TO:

26. EXT. BAR – DAY

Clay stops at stoplight next to BAR. FLASHBACK TO-

27. EXT. BAR – FLASHBACK – DAY

Clay’s father tells him to wait outside bar while he goes in. Clay watches as a BLACK WOMEN ENTERS. Laughter from inside as Clay waits. He peeks inside to seen the woman hanging all over his father.

28. EXT. BAR – OUT OF FLASHBACK – DAY

Light changes. Clay drives on. Stops, backs up.

29. INT. BAR – DAY

Clay drinks, watches Lincoln Able on TV as bartender complains about blacks replacing them. LIGHTS in bar flicker due to climate stuff. Clay is adamant: it’s not climate, it’s the Chinese.

30. EXT. SPACE – ON STRANDS

Increasing climate change causes the two strands continued break down.

31. EXT. CLAY HOME – CONTINUOS

Ribbons of color encompass the neighborhood causing a terrified Elijah – who’d been out riding his bike – to bang on Clay’s door. Clay threatens to shoot him if he shows his black face at his home again. Elijah runs off as neighborhood shimmers and changes ever so subtly…

32. INT. CLAY’S BASEMENT – CONTINUOUS

Clay watches TV: Lincoln speaking to an adoring crowd. STATIC from TV then clips of him speaking at his rally/interspersed with Lincoln speaking. Clay finally understands! God’s sending him a message! Clay points his shotgun at TV. Click.

ACT TWO:

1. EXT. SKY – MORNING

The sky splits with ribboning colors that now interweave…

2. INT. BASEMENT – MORNING

(NOTE: Basement is the same – only different!)

We assume it’s Clay sleeping on the couch. But when he rises, it’s black leader Lincoln Able and he’s had a bad dream that he can’t shake…

3. INT. ABLE HOME – KITCHEN – MORNING

His wife, NUBIA, apologizes for sending him to the basement but his tossing, turning, talking in his sleep was keeping her up. Lincoln says he had a vivid dream about being the Grand Dragon, yet when he woke, he wanted to kill him. Nubia laughs: One would make his daddy proud, the other his momma.

4. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY

Lincoln gives his volunteers a pep talk before they go door to door to get out the vote. A truck flying a Confederate flag motors past.

5. INT./EXT. BLACK HOME – DAY

Lincoln speaks to a black couple about voting. The man’s son, a vet, grumbles about the uselessness of voting in the white man’s world. Lincoln says they can’t let hate win. You’re good as dead if you do.

6. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY

Lincoln drives through a SHIMMER of lights, stops at a light just as the car next to him does too. Both drivers turn to each other. Clay and Lincoln stare at each other.

7. INT. LINCOLN’S CAR – CONTINOUS

Then, an urgent text from his wife: Come to hospital STAT! SHIMMER. Lincoln looks up. Man in opposite car is no longer Clay…

8. INT. HOSPITAL- FRONT DESK/EMPTY ROOM – DAY

Lincoln looks for his wife at the nurses’ station. SHIMMER. It appears Hannah greets him but – SHIMMER – it’s Nubia who pulls him into a private room. She’s pregnant! Lincoln’s joy is overshadowed by the fact that he’s seeing things.

9. INT. HOSPITAL – IMAGING – DAY

Nubia rolls Lincoln into MRI machine. He protests but she’s all about being more safe than sorry.

10. INT. HOSPITAL PARKING LOT – NIGHT

Hannah’s car won’t start. She tries to call her husband. It rings and rings.

11. EXT. GUN SHOP/INT. CLAY’S CAR – NIGHT

Clay leaves a gun shop. Cell phone on seat says ‘missed call’ just as he opens the door and tosses in a box of ammo.

12. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT

Nubia has Lincoln’s scan results. Odd brain patterns. Stress? With their baby finally coming, perhaps he can go back to old job. Lincoln laughs. What? Painting houses?

13. EXT. CLAY’S DRIVEWAY – NIGHT

Clay sits in his car and loads his shotgun when a car drives up. The driver, a black man, has given Hannah a ride home. Clay angrily yanks his wife into the house.

14. INT. CLAY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT – CONTINOUS

Clay confronts Hannah about being seen with a black man. How could she be so stupid?! He hits her again and again until she’s still…

Meanwhile…

15. EXT. FRONT DOOR – NIGHT – CONTINOUS

Emmy bangs on door outside. Calls for her mom. Blood drips down her legs.

16. EXT. HOSPITAL/CITY STREETS – NIGHT

Lincoln leaves the hospital, drives off…

SHIMMER…

17. EXT. LINCOLN/CLAY’S STREET – NIGHT

As Lincoln drives up to what he thinks is his house, he’s further disoriented when he recognizes the car that pulled up alongside him — and it’s parked in his driveway. Or is this even his driveway? Shots are fired from the house. Lincoln ducks into his car for safety.

SHIMMER

18. EXT. LINCOLN’S HOME – CONTINUOUS – NIGHT

Lincoln cautiously gets out of his car. Bullet holes riddle the side of it. But it’s his house in front of him…

19. EXT. GET OUT THE VOTE RALLY – DAY

Lincoln speaks but struggles. His head pounds. His speech turns spiteful – repressed anger released about “driving while black, jogging while black, voting while black…’

SHIMMERS…

The CHANGING crowd (black and then white) reacts, alternatingly jeering or cheering him on.

20. EXT. GET OUT THE VOTE RALLY – ON CROWD – CONTINUOUS

Elijah is walking toward his grandma when he spots Clay, who’s taking aim at her. Elijah yells out a warning! Clay shoots the old woman, scattering the crowd. Now he aims at Lincoln, fires. Lincoln ducks and then chases after Clay. He thinks he has him cornered but… SHIMMER… he’s disappeared into thin air.

21. INT. LINCOLN HOME/CLAY’S HOME – DAY – LATER

Lincoln spots Clay rushing up to the house with his shotgun. He yanks his wife Nubia to the floor. Nothing happens. No gun shots. She believes he’s having a breakdown.

22. EXT. LINCOLN HOME – DRIVEWAY – DAY

Lincoln shows Nubia the bullet holes in his car. Nubia demands he stop his work. They argue and he – totally out of character – pushes her to the ground. He’s about to strike her when he stops himself, begs her forgiveness while blood trickles down her leg.

23. EXT. SPACE

The strands total collapse appears imminent.

24. INT. CLAY HOME – DAY

Someone’s in the shadows. Clay almost shoots but – it’s his daughter. She lost her baby. He embraces her, cries with her. She asks: can I come home now? Clay backs way… Full well knowing what happened to his sister, his own daughter chose to sleep with a black man. She can never come home. She’s tainted.

25. INT. CLAY’S BASEMENT – NIGHT

Telephone call: Clay and his sister. She says ‘get over it.’ Never was raped. She took on those black men on as a FUCK YOU to their child molesting, KKK Grandpa. Clay denies when—FLASHBACK TO:

26. INT. KKK GRANDPA’S HOME – KID’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Clay watches as their grandpa slips into their room and leans over his sister’s bed.

OUT OF FLASHBACK-

27. INT. CLAY’S BASEMENT – NIGHT – CONTINOUS

He calls her a liar just like his wife and daughter – who’ve all betrayed him with the black man.

28. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT

Clay shoots out the windows of a black church. Shoots at folks as they run out.

29. EXT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT

Lincoln drives his wife toward home. After losing their hard sought-after baby, she doesn’t want to talk. Clay’s car emerges from a SHIMMER. Lincoln sees him, stops, orders his wife out of the car.

ACT THREE

1.EXT. SPACE

The two strands are collapsing into one another…

2.EXT. CITY STREETS – NIGHT

Clay aims at a random black man when his car is rammed by Lincoln. Car chase through the city. Alarms go off as electricity arcs across the sky. The world’s fabric is rending…

Both crash their cars. Pursue each other on foot.

3. EXT./INT. COTTON PROCESSING PLANT – NIGHT

Both men chase shadows. It’s cat and mouse where after SHIMMERS both appear and disappear from each other’s view. Sudden quake causes near collapse of building.

4. EXT. LINCOLN’S NEIGHBORHOO – NIGHT

Nubia, on foot, finally approaches home when– the neighborhood SHIMMERS.

5. EXT. CLAY’S NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT – CONTINOUS

Confused, she stands in the middle of a street she does not recognize. SHIMMER…

6. EXT. LINCOLN’S NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT – CONTINOUS

She’s suddenly back in her neighborhood when car brakes scream. The face of the approaching car’s driver freezes in anguish as he runs her down…

7. EXT. SKY – NIGHT

It’s collapsing in on itself.

8. INT. PLANT – NIGHT

The men’s search for each other frustrates as their shapes SHIMMER in and out. Finally – their bullets ricochet and each is struck. Building is coming down. Both drag themselves in opposite directions to get out.

9. EXT. PLANT – NIGHT

Clay drags himself out into the night. Moon shines down on pools of water. As he bleeds out, he sees his shifting reflection in the water. It shifts out of being Lincoln, then Clay….

10. EXT. PLANT – NIGHT

Lincoln drags himself out, sees his reflection in water. It shifts out of being Clay, then Lincoln.

SHIMMER…

11. EXT PLANT – SHIFTED – NIGHT

Two SHIMMERS merge. The men are stuck between their universes, face to face. Could they, indeed, be each other. But how? Clay rails at God. All this time he thought he was serving him. Lincoln can’t accept it. He doesn’t have that kind of hate. Clay laughs. Doesn’t he?

SHIMMER TO WHITE OUT.

11. EXT. SPACE

String strands resonate like harp strings. The two broken strands merge and twist into a whole new one. A brilliant cacophony of big bang light and…

12. EXT. MIXED NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY

The sun shines down on a newly formed reality – literally. Emmy and her black husband stroll with her baby past black and white townspeople who warmly ask what her baby’s name is. Emmy smiles. It’s Elijah.

[Kate Hawkes]

I LOVE the opening now.. much clearer and very very interesting – Pulls you in literally!

the relationships between the couples and parents/daughters etc is clearer and we care – thus the sense of foreboding builds as we know they are gonna get crushed in the madness. This IS a film and so needs to be seen to fully get the shimmering etc but I can see how it works in this verbal rendition. I like that we have the opportunity to see ourselves in each of the opposing characters and how it can be disconcerting to see ourselves as both. The question ‘what is racism’ is fully experienced in our response to each of these characters.

The ending feels a little disconnected… given the darkness.. is it so easy? who made it change? or is the universe just moving along and evolving regardless of our actions? except that there is the climate thing..

I’m ready to see it!

[Anita Gomez]

Anita Gomez Essence-Only Outline for “LIFE CHOICES” Version 3

1. List the following key components of your story:

A. Concept:

A young woman who can’t access an abortion abandons her baby at birth only to learn years later that the child is her best hope for a life-saving transplant, leading her to search for a daughter she never wanted, but who becomes her unexpected solution.

B. Plot Choice: #12 Transformation

C. Character Structure: Dramatic Triangle

D. Lead Characters:

Danica wants a law career not a baby but can’t access an abortion because of restrictive state laws.

The baby’s father Cyrus, is not only married but Danica’s ambitious superior at work, who was instrumental in forming their state’s anti-abortion law.

Dianna is the unwanted child who is then adopted and grows into a brilliant young woman, but also the ultimate damaged version of her two psychologically flawed biological parents.

E. Dramatic Question: Should a woman with an unwanted pregnancy be forced to carry a child to term which puts her own life in jeopardy; and later, continue to reject the woman the child has become, or finally embrace her?

F. Main Conflict: The woman’s health is failing and she needs to find the now-grown abandoned daughter for a transplant.

G. Dilemma: Abort the child against her religious beliefs and at the father’s request, or have the child at great personal health risk and ruin her career plans. LATER, the Dilemma morphs into: Find the abandoned child for selfish health reasons or try and connect with the now-grown brilliant daughter. Really it is two sides of the same ‘coin’: Destroy the child or let it live.

H. Theme: That there is no one perfect answer to an unwanted pregnancy – that an unwanted pregnancy can often lead to an unwanted child.

I. Character Arc of Lead Character(s): Danica goes from a selfish woman to desiring a relationship with her abandoned child. In this ‘dramatic triangle’ the father, Cyrus remains flat in his selfish ambitions. The daughter Dianna’s arc goes from bad to worse: abandonment issues turn to full-blown psychosis leading to murdering her father.

J. Structure of your screenplay (9 beats, one sentence each):

1. Opening: (flash-forward) Danica nearly dies in childbirth.

2. Inciting Incident: Danica confronts Cyrus with the pregnancy neither wants.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Danica’s religious sister condemns her for wanting an abortion, which she can then not go through with.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: The grueling birth of Dianna, with a defect of a missing kidney, and Danica rejects the child.

5. Mid-Point: Danica’s career takes off as does Cyrus’ – who becomes an influential judge – while Dianna, now adopted, grows into a brilliant but psychologically twisted young woman.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: Danica’s sister dies and she discovers her own life-threatening health risks just as Dianna discovers who her real parents are.

7. Crisis: Danica must present legal anti-abortion arguments before Judge Cyrus causing a breakdown that triggers an eminent need for a kidney transplant and leading her to search out and find her now-grown abandoned daughter.

8. Climax: Dianna, who is aware of both parents’ identities and their medical history, kills Cyrus.

9. Resolution: Danica receives Cyrus’ kidney in a transplant operation orchestrated by her estranged daughter Dianna.

Anita Gomez’s Essence Only Outline

INT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT

(Flash-forward) A woman is in the throes of childbirth. It isn’t going well, and we hear from the doctors that she could die.

INT. LAW OFFICES – NIGHT

(Flashback 7 months): Danica confronts senior law partner (Cyrus) that she is pregnant and past the 6 weeks allowable for an abortion – a law he was instrumental in crafting. He wants her to have an abortion anyway to protect his marriage, family and career.

INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOME – DAY

Danica confides in her Evangelical sister that she doesn’t want this child and fears for her health, having been born with only 1 kidney. The sister guilt-trips her / tells her all life is precious and “she’ll grow to love the child”.

INT. CATHOLIC – THAT NIGHT

Danica is praying in an empty church for guidance. She gets no answer.

EXT. HIGHWAY – NIGHT

Danica flees the state driving to <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:state w:st=”on”>Louisiana</st1:state></st1:place> where the abortion laws are more accessible.

INT. ABORTION CLINIC – DAY

Danica is confronted by religious anti-abortion protestors and finds she can’t go through with the abortion.

INT. DANICA’S NEW LAW OFFICES – DAY

She has thrown herself into work and is in denial that she is even pregnant, brushing off any coworkers comments about her working so many hours in her condition.

INT. DANICA’s NEW APARTMENT – NIGHT

Her place is not set up for a baby…. No nursery or sign of impending motherhood. She is hugely pregnant and working late. Suddenly Danica goes into labor, and doesn’t even understand that’s what is happening, she is in so much denial.

INT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT

Back at the opening scene of a wretched birthing experience, Danica regains consciousness and told the infant was born with the mother’s genetic defect of having only one kidney. Danica emotionally rejects the infant.

INT. HOSPITAL – LATER

Danica physically rejects her newborn telling the nurse, “Not all of us are born mothers. I want pills to dry up my milk” but the nurse just thinks this is post-partum depression.

INT. DANICA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Her newborn is in her car seat on the sofa screaming and nothing Danica does can make it stop. Danica starts screaming back at the baby.

EXT. FIRE STATION – NIGHT

Danica abandons her newborn daughter at a “Safe Haven” firehouse telling the child, “I never wanted you” leaving a note, “Her name is Dianna”. A fireman tries to “talk her down saying she can adapt her out” but Danica just screams, “No one is listening! I can’t do this…” and she runs away.

EXT. TEXAS HIGHWAY – DAY

Giant billboards picture Cyrus running for a Judgeship with politically motivated anti-abortion statements seen with his smiling wife and 2 young children.

INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY

Partners congratulate Cyrus on his election win as a state Judge.

INT. COURTHOUSE – DAY

Cyrus is presiding over an adoption proceeding unbeknownst to him that it is Dianna, his biological daughter from Danica, who is being adopted in the city where he lives.

INT. DIANNA’S ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOME – DAY

Dianna is a beautiful baby, exuding shiny and bright promises for her new doting parents. They tell her how much they’ve always wanted a child.

INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY

Danica coldly and with ambition climbs the professional ladder becoming a full partner in a prestigious Louisiana law firm: “You’re one of the boys now”.

EXT. LOUISIANA STREET – DAY

Danica is a marathon participant – it’s obvious she has entered many before.

INT. COURTROOM – DAY

Cyrus gains the reputation as a conservative hard-ass, making harsh anti-abortion decisions from the bench – as noted by a case about a young girl seeking a judicial bypass from parental consent for an abortion, which he denies because of her “grades”.

INT. ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOUSE

Dianna has grown into a beautiful and precocious young girl – but with a cruel streak that her adoptive parents excuse as ‘accidental’.

INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – EVENING

Narcissistic Cyrus interacts with his two pre-teen kids in a fatherly but distracted and distant way deferring the kids’ needs to his wife.

INT. ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOUSE

The mother comes home distraught to find Dianna (about age 9) calmly watching gruesome horror movies.

INT. JUDGE’S CHAMBERS – DAY

Cyrus, now older, has received notice of his appointment to Regional Circuit Judge, which will put him once again in Danica’s professional orbit.

EXT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – EARLY NEXT MORNING

In his habitual practice to retrieve his newspaper outside the gates of his ‘McMansion’, and while gloating over the headlines announcing his Judgeship, a car passes too close bobbling his coffee onto his pajamas and robe (foreshadowing).

EXT. DIANNA’S PARENT HOUSE – EXT

They congratulate her on getting her driver’s permit as she drives off. Dianna drives around and comes to the block where Cyrus lives driving slowly enough for us to recognize his house from earlier.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL BLEACHERS – NIGHT

At the Homecoming game Dianna surreptitiously lures the school mascot (a bulldog) under the bleachers feeding it something that causes seizures as she coolly observes.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE – NEXT DAY

There is a Psychologist present explaining to Dianna’s parents they believe it was Dianna who harmed (but thankfully did not kill) the school mascot, and further believe her to be a Vulnerable Narcisist with Alexithymia – a term to describe problems with feeling emotions… not their fault as good parents – it is often a genetic trait.

INT. ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Dianna’s parents confront her about her emotional detachment. She tells them not to worry – she really wants to help others, and has decided to go into genetic research because of her own anatomical anomaly to uncover others with kidney deficiency (which she later discovers includes her biological mother and Aunt).

EXT. UNIVERSITY GROUNDS – DAY

Dianna graduates college early and is offered a prestigious job as a medical researcher in genetics to study disease outcomes along the lines of “Nurture vs. Nature” with a big $$ Grant.

INT. BIOLOGY LAB – DAY

Dianna displays the same cold ambition as her biological mother, exemplified by dispassionate experimentation and dissection of animals in the lab, and how her co-workers whisper behind her back about her cold detachment. One coworker (a guy) stands up for her – and later becomes her boyfriend.

INT. DEPARTMENT STORE – DAY

Danica is shopping last minute for Christmas for her niece. Sad and pensive, brooding about the child she gave away, she cluelessly selects a board game.

INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Danica visits for Christmas and while the rest of the family has fun at game night she only observes – her gift obviously out-of-touch with the kids ages and electronic desires. The sister leaves, hiding from them all she has serious back pain.

INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – CHRISTMAS DAY

Cyrus’s wife gives the family each a genetic DNA kit as gifts. Cyrus looks nervous but agrees to take the test.

INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Dianna is in bed with her boyfriend. Sex for her is nothing more than a cold biological function.

INT. BIOLOGY LAB – DAY

Dianna seeks out and discovers the true identity of both her biological parents by doing DNA testing on herself and accessing the lab’s confidential files.

INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOUSE – DAY

Another wistful visit while Danica catches a TV commercial about Cyrus running for re-election as Judge, all about “family values” – his platform is anti-abortion and he calls women ‘host bodies’ – Danica is disgusted.

INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – DAY

Dianna holds a home pregnancy test strip showing “positive” but she has absolutely no emotional reaction to this and carelessly tosses it in the garbage.

INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT BATHROOM – NIGHT

Her boyfriend finds the discarded positive pregnancy test and confronts Dianna. She shrugs and tells him “she already took care of that.”

INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Exemplifying her pathological inability to connect with people, her boyfriend accuses Dianna of aborting their child without even consulting him, and of cold-blooded murder. Dianna just throws him out.

INT. JUDGE CYRUS’ CHAMBERS – DAY

Cyrus meets with anti-abortion lobbyists and agrees to be considered as an appointee for The 5^th Circuit Chief Judge. His motivations are purely for power and political gain.

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET – DAY

Danica is a compulsive marathon runner and begins to show signs of health issues.

INT. DANICA’S HOUSE – DAY

She receives news of her sister’s death from kidney failure.

INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOME – DAY

Danica meets with her brother-in-law, niece and nephew but is incapable of being much solace.

INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE – DAY

Danica sees her own doctor and is told she too has kidney disease, and must have a transplant to survive. She is told all the medical reasons why her best chance for survival is a close relative.

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET – NEXT DAY

Danica finds she doesn’t have the strength to run that day.

INT. DANICA’s HOUSE – NIGHT

She begins seeking out her daughter’s whereabouts online but we are unsure of her motive – is it for a kidney or a relationship?

INT. BIOLOGY LAB – DAY

Dianna reads about her Aunt’s death online and studying her own mother’s DNA health markers realizes Danica is also likely to die of kidney disease without a transplant. We see Dianna go to Cyrus’s DNA results on the computer but not what she finds.

INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – NIGHT

Cyrus announces to his wife that he’s been appointed to the 5^th Circuit Court of Appeals, located in New Orleans. She tells him the results of the family DNA tests uncovered a grown child out of wedlock (Dianna) and she will be leaving him.

INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY

Danica must prepare for arguments against restricting abortions in the state of LA. She is shaken to learn that the father of her abandoned child (Cyrus) will be the appointed Circuit Appeals Judge.

INT. DANICA’S HOUSE – NIGHT

She goes on a concentrated online search for Dianna, the daughter (and using the DNA genetic app previously seen used by Cyrus’s family), finds her. Dianna is a shocking spitting image of her mother.

INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY

Danica can’t concentrate on work. She finally contacts Dianna by email, not disclosing who she is – only a ‘close relative’. Danica has no idea Dianna already knows who she is.

INT. COURTROOM – DAY

The anti-abortionist broad theoretical arguments for new restrictive legislation includes “sanctity of life” comments, and how they must “protect the unborn” and “what if that little baby is the next president?” // “Even women who have been raped should be inspired because ‘God put them in this moment’, // “Life begins when DNA is created”, etc.

INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY

Danica is preparing for her arguments the next day but flailing, getting bogged down by all the statistics coming out of TX since they passed their “Heartbeat Act” and how it has impacted LA, etc. Her superior calls her out…. “What’s wrong with you?”

INT. COURTROOM – DAY

Danica’s passionate in her counter- arguments against restricting abortion rights: “What if that next baby is another Hitler or Putin?” // “The state should never be allowed to compel victims of sexual violence to carry an unwanted child.” // “Not everyone’s cut out to be a parent. Not everyone SHOULD be a parent… not every child should be born into a life of pain and suffering – because of physical defects or into poverty…” All while Cyrus just sits there smirking at her. Danica collapses – both mentally and physically.

INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Dianna receives Danica’s email and suggests they meet early the next morning at Dianna’s prompting, who makes all the arrangements.

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET – EARLY MORNING

Dianna drives to the early morning appointment she set to meet her mother. We see a man bending over outside his ‘McMansion’ gates to get the morning paper – we recognize him as Cyrus. Brakes Squeal. Blackout.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY

Eyes blink open to a hospital room. Wincing in pain Danica walks to a mirror realizing she has gotten her transplant, but looks confused. Her daughter, Dianna walks in and turns the TV news up reporting on the tragic death of Circuit Appeals Court Judge Cyrus at his home that morning. Dianna says, “Well, at least he did one thing right in his life – he signed up as an organ donor.”

[Michael Katz]

Michael Katz Outline Version 2

Present your outline and exchange critiques.

1. List the following key components of your story:

A. Concept:

Think James Bond villain, entirely from the villain’s POV, and it’s his complete story, origin to tragedy, so in addition to the usual victimhood and vow to take over the world, we’re also witnessing his growth to tycoon, evolution to villain, and metamorphosis into megalomaniac…plus, in a twist, the tragic earth-shattering consequences when the government spy fails to stop him.

B. Plot Choice:

Ascension/Descension – the rise/fall of the protagonist. Strong-willed, charismatic, and unique, Victorino rises in power as he descends into megalomania.

C. Character Structure:

Dramatic Triangle between the Dr. Victorino Royce the villain, Imelyna Michaels the movie star/environmental activist girlfriend, and Derek Evans the government spy. Victorino owes his opportunity to get vindication to the love and support of Imelyna, however unbeknownst to him, Evans, who is trying to stop Victorino, is attempting to turn Imelyna against him.

D. Lead Characters (*Name* is an *identity* who *does X in the story*.):

PROTAGONIST

Dr. Waldo Katz (changes his name to Victorino Royce) is a narcissistic scientist who invents a space solar energy system that will end global warming, but he starts to suffer from megalmania after his work is sabotaged by a government spy, and it triggers his pursuit of world domination.

IMPACT CHARACTER

Imelyna Michaels, an A-list movie star and environmental activist fighting against global warming, supports the development of Victorino’s technology and falls in love with him…until he turns to villainy.

ANTAGONIST

Debonair government spy Derek Evans, with his smug one-liners and timely gadgets, is tasked with keeping the world safe by subverting the rise to power of psychopathic scientist Dr. Waldo Katz, and he woos Imelyna to make her an asset.

E. Dramatic Question:

Can Victorino take over the world and get vindication?

F. Main Conflict:

Spy Evans keeps trying to stop Victorino’s rise in power.

G. Dilemma:

Victorino has to choose between self-interest or Imelyna.

H. Theme:

Megalomaniacs destroy everything in their wake

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any):

BIGGEST FEAR

Victorino is afraid others don’t recognize his greatness.

CHARACTER ARC

Victorino goes from weak altruistic scientist to smiteful almighty god.

Outline Version 2

1. OPENING

EXT. VIENNA, AUSTRIA – ELEMENTARY SCHOOL PLAYGROUND – DAY

10-year-old WALDO KATZ uses his thick lensed glasses as a magnifying lens to pull a splinter from a cat’s paw. After being bullied, he uses the magnifying lens to burn ants.

INT. VIENNA, AUSTRIA – PILOT PLANT CONFERENCE ROOM – MORNING

An acquisition company offers to buy 40-year-old scientist DR. WALDO KATZ’s giant space magnifying lens technology that harnesses the sun, beams energy to batteries on earth, and sustainably and cheaply power the entire planet. However, they don’t want his services. Narcissistic Waldo is outraged because only he can comprehend the technology.

INT. PILOT PLANT LABORATORY – LATER

Waldo meets guests in attendance for his live demonstration, including enamored movie star and environmental activist IMELYNA MICHAELS, who covers the event for her social media. She gushes that his invention will end global warming. Waldo notices a guest, DEREK EVANS, too close to the prototype battery and ushers him away.

2. INCITING INCIDENT

INT. PILOT PLANT LABORATORY – MOMENTS LATER

Waldo turns on the machine. Light shines through the series of magnifying lens, producing an intense column of energy that speeds into the battery. However, the beam mistakenly ricochets like laser shots, burning Victorino and killing several guests.

3. BY PAGE 10, WE KNOW WHAT THE MOVIE IS ABOUT

INT. PILOT PLANT LABORATORY – MOMENTS LATER

Imelyna, concerned about injured Waldo, joins him as he finds a 4” mini disco mirror ball inappropriately placed inside the battery chamber. She wonders who would sabotage his technology. Waldo glimpses Evans sliding out the back door.

EXT. PILOT PLANT ALLEY – MOMENTS LATER

Waldo confronts Evans, who is unforthcoming. Waldo grabs his arm to prevent him from leaving, and Evans presses his cufflink, which electrifies his jacket and frees him from Waldo’s grip. Evans wins the fight in 3 seconds, takes the disco ball from Waldo’s jacket pocket, contemplates killing Waldo, but just pepper sprays him.

INT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT

A bandaged, disheveled Waldo is furious as the UNIVERSITY PRESIDENT informs him that they have to pull the plug on his project despite its promise because the catastrophe killed several VIPs. As Imelyna approaches, a DETECTIVE takes Waldo away for questioning.

INT. POLICE STATION INTERROGATION ROOM – NIGHT

Detective returns to inform Waldo that the company he accuses of being saboteurs doesn’t exist. And to further Waldo’s dismay there is no Derek Evans in the country either. Further investigation is required, and his laboratory an off-limits crime scene.

EXT. POLICE STATION – LATER

Waldo exits, and Imelyna is waiting for him. He vents a theory that it was economic espionage orchestrated by a foreign government. She doesn’t think he’s being paranoid and offers to let him stay at her hotel because it may not be safe for him at his home.

INT. HOTEL ROOM – THE NEXT DAY

While eating room service, Imelyna reluctantly shows Waldo various social media labeling him as crazy and dangerous, a coward as he is shown fleeing the scene, and a red-faced crybaby. Victorino feels ruined. Imelyna begs Waldo not to give up because the world needs him. How is he supposed to get vindication when powerful interests are out to get him. He jokes that maybe he should just take over the world. Or better yet, just blow this shit up. They have sex.

INT. LIMOUSINE – DAY

Imelyna drops Waldo off at the Pilot Plant. She offers to sponsor him. He can relocate, start anew, work incognito, and reinvent himself. Waldo isn’t sure he is ready to give up and leave his home and country. If he reconsiders, she’ll be leaving later that day.

4. FIRST TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT ONE

INT. PILOT PLANT LABORATORY – DAY

Waldo is stunned to find his laboratory empty, all his work gone. THUGS chase him off the premises. Waldo flees, and calls Imelyna, “What time’s your flight?”

EXT. SWEDEN / INT. PRIVATE PLANE – DAY

Imelyna shows Waldo the beauty of the Arctic, but also the increasing effects of global warming.

INT. MICHAELS ESTATE – LATER

Imelyna takes Waldo on a tour of the estate she bought with the money from her movie trilogy. He can convert a workspace into a laboratory. Waldo suggests he first commercialize a piece of his technology so they can build up a war chest.

INT. WORKSPACE – DAY

Waldo adds a double layer magnifying glass to a solar panel, increasing energy by 1000%. For manufacturing they’ll need pure silica sand. Imelyna calls her TRAVEL AGENT.

EXT. MALDIVES BEACH – DAY

Waldo and Imelyna lounge under an umbrella on an empty strip of white sand beach. Waldo questions whether she really wants to plunder such a nice beach, but Imelyna explains the tiny island will soon be submerged beneath the rising ocean. They frolic in the water and have sex on the beach.

INT. PRIVATE PLANE – DAY

While Imelyna is busy typing on her laptop, Waldo is watching one of her movies. He pauses in the middle of a love scene, and jealously asks her what the premise is for upcoming project. She’s voicing a character in an animated movie. He unpauses the movie.

EXT. PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY / INT. ROLLS-ROYCE PHANTOM EXTENDED – DAY

Driver chauffeurs Imelyna and Waldo home. Imelyna reads from her business plan discussing setting up factory operations in eco-minded and nearby Palm Springs. Driver pulls into Imelyna’s impressive Malibu beach house.

EXT. BEACH HOUSE – DAY

Waldo walks through Imelyna’s stunning indoor outdoor living house and heads to the ocean view. Imelyna’s BROTHER, celebrity fitness Brother and stunt double for Chris Hemsworth in Thor, is working out. Waldo wants him to teach him how to fight, however Brother, who is exceptionally nice and spiritual, espouses physical violence only as the last resort.

INT. BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT

They are jet-lagged and getting ready for bed. Waldo notices a framed magazine featuring her as a child actress. She had changed her last name when she moved to Hollywood. Waldo thinks maybe he might want to change his name too to help keep them incognito. Royce. Victorino Royce.

INT. PALM SPRINGS – FACTORY – DAY

HR MANAGER, Imelyna, and Victorino interview applicants for various jobs, with Victorino asking a few paranoid questions. In yellow hardhats and vest, everyone gets to work unloading and setting up equipment. The production line is soon operational, and Victorino directs the manufacturing of new magnifying solar panels.

INT. FACTORY – DAY

Imelyna complains that retailers won’t buy technology based on her name, and she is wary of using Waldo’s name since his reputation has been trashed, and they want to remain incognito anyway. Victorino Royce has no track record, no bank affiliation, no social media presence, not even a kickstarter. Victorino suggests they sell it directly to Imelyna’s fans.

INT. QVC STUDIO – DAY

Taping a segment, the HOST raves about Imelyna’s career and environmental work. Imelyna describes the magnifying solar panel features and benefits, but Victorino can’t resist joining in and dominating the sales pitch. He charms the Host and callers. Record sales.

INT. FACTORY – DAY

Production line is humming. They are shipping magnifying solar panels by the truckload. Imelyna excitedly shows Victorino figures on her iPad of huge orders and exponential revenue. The backorders are still growing. The sites for the 2nd and 3rd factories have been chosen, however a sand shipment has been delayed in port.

INT. AWARD GALA – EVENING

PUBLICIST reports to Victorino and Imelyna that People Magazine, Forbes, and Time want to feature them. She toasts, “To Vimelyna”. And Fitness Magazine wants to include Brother.

From the podium Imelyna introduces Victorino and gives him the prestigious technology innovation award. He thanks her for her business acumen, love, and support. He announces a newly invented solar battery which increases energy efficiency and storage by 1200%. “Can I just have next year’s award now?”

Victorino and Imelyna schmooze as a power couple. They slow dance intimately, but Imelyna jokingly musses up Victorino’s hair, which infuriates him. She fixes his hair, but he excuses himself to the bathroom. As Victorino walks away, we see behind him that Evans approaches Imelyna with a flirtatious smug smile.

INT. BEACH HOUSE – LATER

Watching the news Victorino is happy with how well he was received. Victorino gets a call that IP was stolen off their server. But he is isn’t bothered because he put fake schematics on the server, keeping all of the recipes in his head. However, he is jealous of how perfectly put together Imelyna is, and he wants a makeover to look like a certified tycoon.

INT. BEACH HOUSE – DAY

Imelyna has designers bring their latest collections for Victorino to try on, and they choose a few outfits. One DESIGNER has a vision for Victorino and will do a custom job.

EXT. ROSE BOWL FLEA MARKET – MORNING

Flaunting his new digs, Victorino and Imelyna step out of the Rolls Royce for a shopping spree. Imelyna thanks him for forgoing Rodeo Drive, but “reuse” is one of the four R’s of recycling. Victorino and Imelyna have fun buying vintage jewelry, gaudy art, absurd sculptures, and bizarre artifacts. Victorino is transfixed by a taxidermy cat that looks like his from when he was a kid.

EXT. ROSE BOWL FLEA MARKET – LATER

Imelyna is ordering bacon dogs from a vendor, while Victorino is pacing on the phone with his ATTORNEY who informs him of 23 patent infringement lawsuits designed to either settle for a quick payout or to deliberately slow their progress. Behind them, Evans surreptitiously helps another worker load their purchased items, including the cat, onto their moving truck.

INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

Victorino walks around with his taxidermy cat, looking for a place to put it. Imelyna reads an email out loud that reports that the government just passed a retroactive red tape regulatory law, which will slow the sales process. Victorino is angry and frustrated, unable to find a suitable place for his cat.

EXT. BEACH HOUSE – MORNING

Victorino and Brother spar using several different martial arts disciplines, however Victorino is impatient with his progress. Brother gets Victorino to meditate using “envision the vision” mumbo jumbo, and the process triggers something peculiar, scary, and calming within him.

INT. LA RESTAURANT – EVENING

Victorino and Imelyna are eating, and the Attorney calls to report that the government is ending tax incentives for solar panels. Imelyna pours Victorino a glass of wine. Victorino suggests they hire some lobbyists and play politics. He excuses himself to make a call. Over his shoulder we see Evans sit in his seat and drink his glass of wine. Imelyna’s demeanor isn’t welcoming, but it also isn’t surprised.

INT. LA RESTAURANT – MOMENTS LATER

Victorino returns and sits at the table as Imelyna pours him wine into a new glass. A fly she explains.

EXT. BEACH HOUSE – DAY

Victorino spars aggressively with Brother, and Imelyna joins and repeatedly takes down Victorino to his dismay.

INT. MUSEUM GALA – EVENING

At their charitable fundraiser, Victorino expresses to Imelyna his frustration that they haven’t begun the process of getting vindication for his space magnifier. Imelyna reminds him that they now have the money, but they don’t yet have any real power.

Speaking to the guests, Imelyna announces the sizable fundraising total. However, Victorino steals the spotlight with a surprise announcement that he is running for governor.

INT. BEACH HOUSE – THE NEXT DAY

Imelyna learns her email was hacked, including stolen nude photos, and she is the subject of a tabloid cheating scandal involving the married director from her last movie. On the phone AGENT says her character voiceover will be replaced on the movie, and she’ll be recast for her upcoming project. Publicist conjectures that the scandal probably ends Victorino’s political aspirations. Though Imelyna prefers to keeps a low profile for a while, Victorino wants to retaliate, but nobody knows against who or how.

INT. ATTORNEY OFFICE – DAY

Attorney reports that the government has documents showing they patented the exact same magnifier technology ten years ago, so Victorino is going to eventually lose the patent infringement lawsuits and then have to turn over all profits with some possible punitive fines. Victorino is enraged at the lie and rigged system.

EXT. ATTORNEY OFFICE – LATER

As Victorino leaves the building, he is harassed by paparazzi. One by one he forcibly takes their cameras and smashes them. The last guy preemptively smashes his own camera.

INT. BEACH HOUSE – DAY

While packing suitcases, Victorino and Imelyna are arguing about the prospect of losing the lawsuit, having to forfeit all their money, and having accomplished nothing. Imelyna thinks they’ve helped the world by enabling a lot of people to install efficient solar. She thinks they both just need to lay low and get away for a bit. Victorino thinks they need to blow the whole thing up!

EXT. BEACH HOUSE – MOMENTS LATER

Driver is putting the bags into the car as Victorino walks outside and glimpses a spy disappear down the side of the house. Using his martial arts training, Victorino kills him. He then realizes the guy was an electric company meter reader. Victorino calmly joins Imelyna in the car.

INT. PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY – MOMENTS LATER

The car is eerily silent but for a newscast on the radio reporting that Victorino Royce is caught on tape assaulting paparazzi and smashing their cameras. He is wanted for questioning.

5. MID-POINT

INT. MICHAELS ESTATE – NIGHT

Victorino electronically hides all the company’s holdings, converting into cryptocurrency, shell corporations, Swiss bank accounts, diamonds, gold, and cash. Victorino calls the attorney and says he needs a few less than reputable referrals.

EXT. MICHAELS ESTATE – THE NEXT DAY

Victorino thinks they have the money to build out the full-size magnifying solar energy system themselves, but Imelyna says they still won’t have the power to have it implemented. She suggests building another prototype there first, and do a demonstration for likeminded people that she’ll invite. There is strength in numbers.

INT. MICHAELS ESTATE CONFERENCE ROOM – MORNING

Victorino and Imelyna host a summit of concerned A-list actors, dedicated environmentalists, controversial international environmental groups like Greenpeace, and Publicist, Brother, and HR Manager. The taxidermy cat is the table’s centerpiece. Publicist writes on the whiteboard the groups’ answers to Victorino’s question: what is the biggest threat we face in the world today? Global warming, nuclear proliferation, famine, wealth inequality. Victorino explains that it is self-interest. Greed for money, greed for power, greed for fame. Entrenched interests rigging the game to preserve the status quo. Victorino asks the group to share victimization stories of sabotage, interference, and corruption. They all vow to pool resources, connections, and fight.

INT. MICHAELS ESTATE WORKSPACE – DAY

Victorino explains: when we remove the need for energy from the equation, all the world’s problems will be solved. He hesitates and looks around nervously before beginning the demonstration. This time the solar energy is properly absorbed into the battery. The efficiency, output, and storage numbers surprise even Victorino.

INT. MICHAELS ESTATE – LATER

Everyone enjoys lunch, and there is a good vibe. Victorino interrupts and with self-righteous indignation reports that Congress has just introduced new legislation increasing subsidies to fossil fuel companies, as well as opening up new lands for drilling. Victorino immediately and the arson news to the group, changing the atmosphere.

INT. MICHAELS ESTATE CONFERENCE ROOM – AFTERNOON

We get to watch a fascinating brainstorming session with Publicist writing on the whiteboard throughout. They banter around ideas for the group name, wacky locations to build secret lairs, creative ways to finance operations, the ethics of ecoterrorism, brainstorming exercises to get past blockages, sarcastic wit, egos, grandstanding, discord, and agreement. On the whiteboard: “Masterplan – all ideas are bad ideas until Victorino approves them (jk)”. “Lairs – 3?”, “Rockets – call Elon”, “Minions – life servitude/squid game”, “Project name (nothing greek!) – Sunshine & Rainbows:)”, “TV Commercial and/or propaganda documentary?” They also need to recruit lackeys, bodyguards, thugs, and minions for each lair. Victorino’s two ideas: hire all coal minors for double their going salaries?; bring in a gadget guy, like Q from the James Bond movies.

INT. BEDROOM – EVENING

Victorino gets off the phone with TRAVEL AGENT and sees Imelyna suspiciously texting someone on her phone. He tells her they have good sites picked out, and they’ll leave after the taping. And he got revenge for her…the people who hacked her phone and published her nude photos have just been arrested for child pornography. While she appreciates Victorino’s intentions, she’s worried about his behavior, the direction they are heading, and the type of people he wants to work with and hire. The ends don’t justify the means.

EXT. MICHAELS ESTATE – THE NEXT DAY

Brother leads Victorino, Imelyna, Publicist, and HR Manager through meditative exercises. Victorino goads Imelyna into sparring. He is rough but she still bests him.

EXT. THREE EXOTIC LOCATIONS AROUND THE WORLD – DAY

MONTAGE:

Different realtors in 3 different countries takes them on tours of remote, ridiculous locations to build secret lairs.

They meet with various experts showing cutting edge computer networks and building security. Victorino wants secret passageways, surveillance, two-way mirrors, and hidden weapons. Realtor, who has been shocked and silent by the conversation, timidly suggests during a pause, “And trap doors?”

They have various exotic animal handlers show them pet options i.e. sloth, snake, spider, fireflies, ants. Victorino says the ants are interesting, but he definitely wants a cat placed into his arms immediately when he arrives at each lair.

He meets with GADGET GUY who demonstrates vicious, over-the-top weapons for Victorino, who wants each lair to have culturally appropriate weaponry and gadgets, with obligatory briefcases with the styrofoam cut outs.

Victorino purposefully schedules a meeting with SPY TRAP GUY when he knows Imelyna will be away.

Victorino buys local politicians, police, and judges.

INT. MICHAELS ESTATE BEDROOM – EVENING

Imelyna breaks an awkward silence and mentions that Designer sent three custom outfits for Victorino, which they’ll get tomorrow. She hands him a new pair of glasses, which he tries on. Victorino asks if she would like to get married and have kids because he thinks they should since they make such a great team and he loves her. She would love to, but she’s surprised at the timing with so many projects going on, and he’s been so focused. Victorino wants it all. “Who are we saving the planet for anyway if not for our own kids.”

INT. MICHAELS ESTATE – THE NEXT DAY

Victorino tries on Designer’s three custom outfits, two of which are perfect. Victorino doesn’t quite feel comfortable in the third, and Imelyna hates it because it makes him look like a crazy person. “Maybe it’ll grow on you. Maybe I just need to grow into it.”

INT. MICHAELS ESTATE – DAY

Filming a segment on the TV newsmagazine “60 Minutes”, with their location a secret, Victorino and Imelyna are being interviewed. Victorino usurps the interview to defend Imelyna’s honor, deny killing a utility worker, and spread government conspiracies. He asks the citizens of the world to support him as he fights to clear his name. All he wants is to save the planet.

EXT. LAIR 1 – DAY

Victorino, Imelyna, Brother, Publicist, HR Manager stare at an oil tank farm, not knowing how to get in. Victorino says, “Trap door.” The ground beneath them gives way and they slide inside.

INT. LAIR 1 – DAY

Victorino is handed a cat, and they walk downwards along a long hallway into a huge hall in full operation with consoles, computers, scientists, and construction workers. Victorino receives several reports. The fabrication of the giant series of magnifying lenses is on schedule.

INT. LAIR 1 – NIGHT

They are eating dinner, and Imelyna confirms that all the factories received the new specs for the space solar panels. We still need to decide where we want our building-size battery to be. A city in the U.S. is ideal, but it would be difficult for us to oversee its construction. Victorino reveals he’s already taken over responsibility for the building of the battery and not to worry since the location must remain a secret, and we can’t want another hacking of her email.

EXT. SPACEX LOMPOC CALIFORNIA ROCKET LAUNCHING PAD – DAY

Victorino and Elon Musk are watching thousands of magnifying solar panel satellites being unloaded from a fleet of trucks and loaded onto a rocket that is horizontal on the bed of a monster truck. Elon: “I had five inventions, but the government only allowed me to pick two. Ever see The Jetsons? Flying cars? So much fun to flive, but they said I was reckless and actually confiscated my prototype!” Victorino: “I have a driver. Hey, how much is a rocket?”

EXT. LAIR 2 – DAY

Victorino says to Imelyna, “Reuse, right?” They stare at a collapsed coal mine, not knowing how to get in. Victorino holds up his phone and plays a canary whistle. A camouflaged door opens. Imelyna laughs, “A little on the nose.”

INT. LAIR 2 – DAY

Victorino is handed a cat, and they walk a long hall into a huge room in full operation with consoles, computers, scientists, and construction workers. They watch a feed of an ecoterrorism underwater strike force ram a hole into an oil tanker, causing a catastrophic leak.

An operator at a console interrupts Victorino and asks if he can ask a question. Victorino nods. “How is spilling oil into the ocean and causing an environmental disaster aligned with our goal of saving the environment?” Victorino kills him, and says he appreciates the question and explains to the rest of the silent room that the ends justify the means. Industrial espionage is the name of the game. Corporation against corporation. Country against country. Legacy versus new technology. The oil tanker wasn’t for free. It pays our bills, finances our larger mission. And we are not saving the environment. We are saving the human race. Anyone else have a question or are confused about what we are doing here?”

INT. LAIR 2 – NIGHT

Victorino decides not to wait any longer for Imelyna and starts down the hallway on his way to meet the others for dinner, when he discovers that Brother has been brutally murdered after an epic fight with various weapons, tons of blood, and four rooms of destruction. Victorino calls for emergency lockdown. Imelyna appears and is horrified.

INT. LAIR 2 – NIGHT

Victorino is shown a video of Evans walking the halls of the lair. Victorino is baffled by how Evans found them or even got inside. Victorino has people sweep everyone and their belongings for trackers. In a paranoid misunderstanding, he kills HR Manager, thinking he is Evans’ mole. Victorino is struck with a thought and tells a minion to go to Imelyna’s chambers and tell her that Evans has been captured and put into the giant ant farm torture chamber.

INT. LAIR 2 – NIGHT

Imelyna doesn’t see anyone near the ant farm, and whispers for Evans. Victorino confronts Imelyna, and she admits her betrayal. She agrees with Evans that Victorino is dangerous. “I am dangerous? Did you see what Evans just did to your brother!?!”

6. SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT TWO

INT. LAIR 2 – MOMENTS LATER

Imelyna is inside the ant farm frantically brushing biting red ants off. Minions fill the room waiting for Evans to try to rescue her. Bombs go off in various locations in the lair, and the compound is on fire. Evans kills all the minions, breaks the ant farm, rescues Imelyna, evades the continuing flow of oncoming minions, and they escape in Elon Musk’s confiscated flying car.

Victorino, in a catatonic state, walks through the devastation, and sees of the many dead killed by Evans’ bombs is the Publicist. Evans attached a pithy note to her. Victorino then discovers Evans killed Gadget Guy in an ironically, culturally appropriate, and particularly cruel way.

INT. MICHAELS ESTATE BEDROOM – EVENING

Victorino dons Designer’s third custom outfit, which now wears nicely, signifying a complete transformation into a megalomaniac.

INT. MICHAELS ESTATE CONFERENCE ROOM – MOMENTS LATER

Victorino snatches his taxidermy cat.

EXT. HELICOPTER OVER A GLACIER – THE NEXT DAY

Victorino flies over the beautiful ice sheet and glaciers. He lands next to a small plane.

7. CRISIS

EXT. LAIR 3 – DAY

Imelyna and Evans are waiting for Victorino by the open entrance. Imelyna starts to say Evans has a proposal, but Victorino starts furiously fighting Evans, and it is evenly matched.

INT. LAIR 3 – CONTINUOUS

The brawl moves inside as they employ gadgets, which provide temporary advantage. Among the various rooms they fight in is an ice bar/restaurant, and Evans calls time out so they can have a drink. Victorino makes him a martini, and they have a “no, your evil” heart-to-heart. Evans proposes that the worlds’ governments will indeed install the Royce magnifier solar energy system, but that Victorino must walk away. Imelyna notes that it will mean vindication for him and his technology, and the world will benefit tremendously because of him. Victorino explains that he knows they have no intention of implementing anything. Greedy entrenched interests only want to preserve the status quo, and they have Evans as their duped monkey boy, justifying being homicidal because I’m supposedly so dangerous, when it’s precisely his actions that have made me dangerous today. Victorino toasts Imelyna, and they drink to her. Victorino informs Imelyna that Evans not only killed Brother, but Publicist and Gadget Guy. But I’m the homicidal maniac, right. How many people have I killed? Only two. He then corrects Evans, “And it’s the Katz magnifier solar energy system!” Waldo surprises Evans with a gadget, gains the upper hand, and is about to kill Evans, when Imelyna intervenes. Waldo now fights them both, and for a long time. Waldo becomes injured but manages to evade Evans using one of the secret doorways. Evans: “Where’s Waldo?” Imelyna says she knows where he is going, but they’ll be too late. Evans says they already have it covered.

INT. ROCKET – DAY

As Waldo prepares for launch, he addresses the people of earth, with his voiceover continuing as he blasts off in the rocket hidden in the glacier, enters space, approaches his space station, and docks. He tells his story, who are the real bad guys, and what lessons he’s learned about being selfish and morality. He offers the world the free use of his technology and free energy in perpetuity. “Stay tuned for the live demonstration. I will change the course of history.”

INT. SPACE STATION – DAY

Waldo goes to the bridge, sits in the cockpit, deploys thousands of space magnifying solar panels, turns them on, connects them to the computer.

EXT. SPACE STATION – DAY

A series of giant magnifying glass layers deploy and swing out of the rocket, and from the space station deploys a huge antenna.

8. CLIMAX

INT. SPACE STATION – DAY

Waldo gives POTUS an ultimatum: let him take over the world and install his energy system or he will destroy the planet. POTUS tells Waldo that he is delusional, his technology doesn’t even work, and he has no leverage anyway. And did he even bother to talk to the Russians and Chinese. Did he think they would ever surrender to him. Waldo says, “One question at a time. Let’s get the question of does the technology work out of the way. In just 15 seconds enough power will be channeled to run a small city for a year. Allow me to demonstrate.”

EXT. NYC SKYSCRAPER – DAY

The roof retracts and a huge Tesla coil rises to the top.

EXT. SPACE – CONTINUOUS

Thousands of solar panels concentrate sun energy through the series of magnifying glasses and laser beams a huge column of energy to the Tesla coil on the skyscraper, charging the battery.

INT. SPACE STATION – DAY

POTUS is thrilled and excited and congratulates Waldo for stopping global warming and saving the world. Waldo says that as long as the technology is implemented and people get the energy for free, he’ll not require full world domination. You may continue to run your countries. You just have to report to me. With energy plentiful and free, there will be world peace. You can rejoice. Also, next I’m going to work on curing cancer, so you have that to look forward to.

Waldo hears soft beeping, and, as it gets louder, Waldo’s fantasy daydream is interrupted by the sounds of feverish, high pitched beeping. Alerts ring loudly as Waldo sees on his radar dozens of nuclear missiles headed his way.

POTUS wonders where did his delusions just take him, and does he want a dose of reality. He intercuts camera footage of the beam hitting mirrors attached to the side of the Tesla coil, his beam ricocheting off the mirrors and burning large, long swaths of NYC.

Waldo is incredulous. POTUS tells Waldo that he is a failure, and the whole world will remember him as a crazy terrorist. And soon he’ll gonna be a godforsaken memory. Waldo is stunned but eventually comes to and focuses on nuclear missiles. He adjusts the distance of the giant magnifying lenses and uses a wide beam to neutralize the telemetry of the missiles. However, one missile does explode, damaging the space station and his ability to return to earth.

9. RESOLUTION

INT. SPACESHIP – DAY

“This is why we can’t have nice things.” In a rage, Waldo adjusts the distance of the magnifying lenses and turns the magnifier into a weapon of mass destruction and, despite several acquiescing pleas and full surrender from POTUS, annihilates earth, splitting it in two.

“I’m not even the last man on earth. I’m god.” Waldo alternates between maniacal laughter and crying, then prolonged silence as the credits roll.

The man on the moon laughs at him, so he blasts the moon to smithereens.

[Justina Mitchell]

<div>

Justina Mitchell’s Outline Version 1

REQUEST FOR EXCHANGE: I know I am about 20 days late in posting this, but if anyone would like to exchange critiques, please reply to this post.

A. CONCEPT:

A very wealthy man who has no heirs considers leaving his money to one of three distant, unfamiliar cousins, but to find out how they will handle a massive fortune, he decides to give each of them a small fortune while he lives among them incognito and observes their handling of it.

B. PLOT CHOICE:

Metamorphosis:

Richard has “all the money in the world” but no love in his life, nor does he see a need for it, but he does need an heir. He goes and lives among his distant cousins incognito where he sees a side of love he never saw before, and finds he is much wealthier when he embraces it.

C. CHARACTER STRUCTURE: Rom-Com

D. LEAD CHARACTERS:

Protagonist: Richard G. Fulton/Edward Gray – an ultra-wealthy, self-contained man who is in search of who to will his money to, so he spies on his cousins to see if any of them are up to the task of handling immense wealth.

Antagonist: Maggie Hill – a close relation to the cousins Richard is observing who is the self-sacrificing, self-effacing, positive and wise bearer of everyone’s burdens who will inspire Richard with her love for everyone.

E. DRAMATIC QUESTION:

Once getting to know his distant cousins, will Richard be able to choose which to give his money to, and will he then be able to walk away?

F. MAIN CONFLICT:

Richard thinks he can move in and out of his relatives lives without becoming attached to them emotionally.

G. DILEMMA:

When Richard realizes he has fallen in love with Maggie, he knows he has to continue living the persona he created or risk losing her by telling her that he has been dishonest with her and the rest of the family for their entire relationship.

H. THEME:

Money doesn’t buy happiness; love does.

I. CHARACTER ARC:

Part to be changed: Richard doesn’t have any intimately close relationships.

Biggest fear: Richard fears his bequeathed money will ruin the people that he meant to help with it.

Completion of arc: Richard falls in love with a generous, giving woman who will help his money help others.

J. 9 BEAT SCREENPLAY STRUCTURE:

OPENING:

We see Richard in his opulent yet rather isolated life in 1978.

INCITING INCIDENT:

Richard nearly dies in a funny but frightening way within the framework of his everyday life.

BY PAGE 10, YOU KNOW WHAT THE MOVIE IS ABOUT:

Richard has determined that he needs an heir and has devised a plan to go live incognito among his only known relatives in order to pick one.

FIRST TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT 1:

Richard arrives in Lake Saranac in disguise, stays at Maggie’s Bed and Breakfast, and gets acquainted with his cousins and their current way of life.

MID-POINT:

The $1.5M that Richard arranged to have delivered to each of his cousins arrives via his lawyer.

SECOND TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT 2:

All the happiness and joy of the cousins is dwindling as the complications of having a small fortune and what they have done with it is starting to hit home.

CRISIS:

As Richard and Maggie are trying to help the cousins with their money complications, they grow closer and suddenly Richard realizes he is in love with her.

CLIMAX:

Richard has to confess to Maggie that he has been lying to her this whole time about who he is, and she responds by feeling that she can’t trust him.

RESOLUTION:

Maggie forgives Richard, they get engaged, and they devise a plan to break the news to the rest of the family.

</div>

ESSENCE OUTLINE VERSION 1:

INT – RICHARD’S SAN FRANCISCO OFFICES – NIGHT

Richard Fulton leaves his office. We see that he is respected by his staff, but not overly friendly with them.

EXT – SAN FRANCISCO CITY STREET – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS

Richard encounters an acquaintance that inherited money. The man is given to excess in lifestyle and is being taken advantage of by a gold digger.

INT – RICHARD’S MANSION – NIGHT

Richard returns home to a solo dinner prepared by his chef/housekeeper who mentions his heartburn then leaves for the night.

INT – RICHARD’S MANSION – NIGHT – LATER

Richard climbs the grand staircase, turns to get his antacid medicine, and falls down the entire flight knocking himself out.

INT – RICHARD’S MANSION – NIGHT

Richard comes to, picks himself and his papers up. He nearly falls down again upon seeing his bloodied reflection.

INT – RICHARD’S MANSION – DAY

A doctor is examining and treating Richard’s injuries, while Richard talks to Nedra, his friend and lawyer. He tells her his concerns about who should inherit his money.

EXT – RICHARD’S PRIVATE AIRPLANE – DAY

Richard is flying his only passenger, Nedra, to lunch in San Simeon. Richard lays out his plan to her on how he is going to go observe his distant cousins to find out which would handle inheriting his wealth best.

EXT – RICHARD’S OPULENT SAILBOAT IN SAN FRANCISCO BAY – DAY

We hear Richard’s plan in voice over as we see him embark on his solo trip around the world.

EXT – RICHARD’S OPULENT SAILBOAT AT A TROPICAL ISLAND – DAY

Voice over continues as Richard’s boat is hurriedly met by a Polynesian family that hide his boat in a covered cove/boathouse. Richard disembark’s with a full beard.

EXT – POLYNESIAN FAMILY’S BOAT – DAY

Voice over continues as Richard is traveling toward another island with a small airport.

INT – SMALL ISLAND AIRPORT – DAY

Voice over continues as Richard is being addressed by his false identity, Edward Gray, and is leaving by plane.

EXT – ALBANY, NEW YORK, AIRPORT – DAY

Voice over continues as Richard/Edward exits and hails a cab. He is dropped off at a car dealership where he buys a VW Diesel Rabbit with cash.

EXT – ROADS OF ALBANY & UPSTATE NEW YORK – DAY

Voice over continues as Edward drives to Saranac Lake, New York.

EXT – MAGGIE’S BED AND BREAKFAST – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Edward arrives in town, is put off by the hotels, sees Maggie’s Bed and Breakfast, and meets Father Hill on the front porch.

INT – MAGGIE’S BED AND BREAKFAST – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Edward meets Maggie and finagles staying long-term at her bed and breakfast despite it not being open yet. He states his purpose is to get a good history of the area in order to write a book before the 1980 Winter Olympics.

EXT – JAMES MOODY’S HOME – DAY

Edward meets his Moody cousins, (Frank, James, and Carol), and their families during a fancy family dinner. He also finds out that they have an older step-sister, Maggie.

INT – FRANK MOODY’S GROCERY STORE – NIGHT

Edward is introduced to Frank’s lovely daughter, Cynthia, 18. Edward gets a firm insight into how Donna’s, (Frank’s wife), extreme frugality is a hardship for her family, especially for Cynthia.

INT – CAROL MOODY’S HOME – DAY

Edward visits Carol, his spinster cousin, who is a wealth of family photos and information. She shows him a picture of their ultra-wealthy, distant cousin Richard Fulton. She also tells him that lots of the town history is at Maggie’s since Father Hill was the town historian when the town hall started renovations.

INT – MARTIN’S PHARMACY – NIGHT

Edward buys antacids and a five pound box of chocolates. He finds James moonlighting there to make ends meet because James’ wife, Patty, wants to live beyond their income.

EXT – LAKE SARANAC HIGH SCHOOL – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS

Edward runs into Cynthia coming out of rehearsal and gives her the box of chocolates which she delighted about.

INT – MAGGIE’S BED AND BREAKFAST – DAY

Edward asks Maggie about the town records and she shows him a room full of them. She then gives him a work table in the living room to work at.

INT – MAGGIE’S BED AND BREAKFAST – DAY

Edward while at his work table witnesses a montage of people coming to Maggie for help while offering her little in return. Edward helps Maggie with some of the renovations.

INT – MAGGIE’S BED AND BREAKFAST – NIGHT

Maggie suggests Edward visit some of the local sights, and he enlists her as his guide with Father Hill’s blessing.

EXT – FOREST – DAY

Maggie and Edward hike to the rustic family cabin on a lake where they have lunch.

INT – GRAND OLD HOTEL – RAINY DAY – CONTINUOUS

Maggie tells Edward about the history of the area. He talks to her about the family taking advantage of her which she discounts.

EXT – EDWARD’S VW RABBIT – RAINY DAY – CONTINUOUS

Maggie and Edward see Cythina walking home from school in the rain and give her a ride. She tells them that her mother insisted on rationing the chocolates out to her.

EXT – FRANK MOODY’S HOME – RAINY DAY – CONTINUOUS

Carol is arriving at Frank’s house with great excitement and tells Maggie, Edward, and Cynthia to follow her inside.

INT – FRANK MOODY’S HOME – RAINY DAY – CONTINUOUS

Edward, Maggie, and Cynthia enter to find all the cousins gathered because they just found out that they have each been bequeathed $1.5M from their distant, missing, cousin Richard Fulton.

EXT – MAGGIE’S BED AND BREAKFAST – DAY

Edward and Maggie discuss the money and her not being included as they work in the garden.

INT – MAGGIE’S BED AND BREAKFAST – DAY

Donna, a beggar, and Patty come by showing different takes on the money.

INT – JAMES AND PATTY’S NEW MANSION – NIGHT

An elaborate house party shows how the money is affecting the whole family. Maggie thinks Edward is flirting with Cynthia.

EXT – JAMES AND PATTY’S NEW MANSION – NIGHT

Edward and Maggie leave the party and discuss some of it. She tells him about her worries over Cynthia dating the rich young men in town.

EXT – HIKING TRAIL – DAY

Edward runs into Stevie, (James’ youngest), who is running away from home because he doesn’t want to go to boarding school. Edward convinces him to return home. Stevie mentions how much Aunt Maggie abhors lying.

INT – MAGGIE’S BED AND BREAKFAST – NIGHT

James comes in with urgency and asks Edward to drive him somewhere.

INT – EDWARD’S VW RABBIT – NIGHT

Edward takes James to Albany to get money to his oldest son, David, before he is discovered as a thief of his college fraternity’s funds which he stole to pay gambling debts.

INT – MAGGIE’S BED AND BREAKFAST – DAY

Edward returns to find Maggie worried about him and pretending not to be. Father Hill dies.

EXT – CEMETARY – DAY

Edward along with the rest of family comforts Maggie at the funeral.

EXT – TOWN PARK – DAY

The beggar tells Edward how Maggie got him a job. Edward discovers Cynthia with a good young man, Christopher, that Donna doesn’t approve of because he isn’t rich. Donna sees them all and Edward lies to protect Cynthia.

INT – FRANK MOODY’S HOME – NIGHT

Edward and Christopher visit and find the rich, young suitors there for Cynthia. Edward finagles to put Christopher and Cynthia together while Edward keeps Donna from intervening.

INT – MAGGIE’S BED AND BREAKFAST – DAY

Maggie gets a startling letter from a law firm, but won’t tell Edward what it is about. Carol arrives to talk about the letters she has been getting from beggars, and Edward volunteers to be her secretary to stop the problem.

EXT – TOWN PARK – DAY

Maggie catches Edward monopolizing Cynthia’s attention away from the rich young men who are vying for her attention. Maggie gets jealous.

INT – MAGGIE’S BED AND BREAKFAST – NIGHT

Donna comes to tell Maggie about losing 40% of their money, and that the rich young men have been called off dating Cynthia by their parents in response to that loss.

EXT – MAGGIE’S BED AND BREAKFAST – DAY

A lawyer comes to meet with Maggie, but she won’t tell Edward why. Edward finds out that Maggie thought he was interested in Cynthia romantically. He realizes that he is interested in Maggie romantically.

INT – MUSEUM – DAY

Carol tells Edward of a young woman who needs a place to recuperate. He suggests that she could provide such a place.

INT – MAGGIE’S BED AND BREAKFAST – DAY

After finding out that James’ family is moving out of town to get a new start for David, Maggie and Edward talk about how the different people responded to the bequeathed money.

EXT – THE SARANAC LAKE WINTER CARNIVAL – NIGHT

Edward finds out that Maggie has researched Richard Fulton and she thinks he is selfish. Edward sort-of states that he is Richard, and then proposes to Maggie. She doesn’t catch that he is Richard, but she accepts the proposal enthusiastically.

INT – MAGGIE’S BED AND BREAKFAST – NIGHT

Edward makes clear to Maggie that he is Richard and she becomes infuriated and kicks him out.

INT – CAROLS NEW HOME – DAY

Carol tells Maggie about her respite care plan for women who need but can’t afford a vacation. She gives Edward the credit for the idea.

INT – MAGGIE’S BED AND BREAKFAST – NIGHT

Maggie arrives home just as a blizzard hits. Patty calls because they can’t find Stevie. Maggie calls Edward at the hotel to see if he knows where Stevie is.

EXT – EDWARD’S VW RABBIT – NIGHT

Edward drives Maggie around looking for Stevie. He explains to her why he lied to everyone about his true identity.

INT – MOODY’S RUSTIC FAMILY CABIN – NIGHT

Edward and Maggie arrive at the cabin and find Stevie there. Stevie offers words of wisdom to Maggie about Edward.

INT – MOODY’S RUSTIC CABIN – LATER

Maggie forgives Edward and confesses to him about the money she has inherited. They snuggle and discuss how to tell the family about his true identity.

INT – MAGGIE’S BED AND BREAKFAST – DAY

At a small going away party with the family, lose ends are tied up. Maggie and Edward say goodbye forever.

EXT – REMOTE TROPICAL ISLAND – DAY

Edward/Richard arrives to reclaim his boat. Richard sails away after paying the family for keeping his secret.

EXT – RICHARD’S OPULENT SAILBOAT – DAY

Clean shaven Richard is sailing under the Golden Gate. He docks, disembarks, and is met by Nedra and her house guest, Maggie Hill.

POSTSCRIPT HEADLINES

Newspaper and magazine headlines talk of Richard and Maggie dating, getting engaged, and their upcoming wedding in her hometown of Lake Saranac, New York.