-
WEEK 1 FEEDBACK EXCHANGE
Exchange feedback with one or more people over the weekend.
1. Pick one scene you’ve written using this week’s skills that you’d like to exchange for feedback.
2. Put your scene in a .pdf and make sure it includes “Written by _____” at the top. Also give a quick one-paragraph “setup” at the top that has your feedback partner understand what led up to this scene.
3. Partner up in this topic below. Let us know who is exchanging with whom.
4. Send your partner a Private Message and attach your scene.
5. Reply within 24 hours with your partner’s feedback.
-
3 Replies
-
I have only re-thought scenes, with notes to myself as to how to accomplish it. But if anyone wants feedback, I am happy to give it, and if you really want an exchange, I will re-write a scene and send it to you.
-
This is a scene I just wrote to build on – it’s very rough.
Sonia (13 years old)
INT. BATHROOM – DAY
Sonia enters the bathroom and ignores other girls to go into an empty stall. She waits until she thinks the girls have left. She opens the stall door to find three girls waiting in silence for her. They are lighting up a joint.
SONIA
Uuuhh – hi!
DANIA
Hi! You want a hit?
Holds a joint out to her.
SONIA
Mmmm sure!
Grabs the joint and takes a hit.
DANIA
Geeze, who do you think you are, taking such a big hit?
SONIA
SsSorry
Dania gets in her face and starts shoving her into the stall. Sonia falls back onto the open toilet. The girls laugh hard. Dania places her hands around Sonia’s neck and squeezes. Sonia struggles to get away, tears flow down her face, gasping for air. The other girls back away to run out of the bathroom. Dania squeezes until Sonia passes out. Dania, kisses Sonia’s forehead, lays her body on the floor. She takes out a rusty knife and lowers Sonia’s sock revealing her ankle. The knife cuts precisely and stopes suddenly. The bathroom door opens. Dania quickly pushes past the person, runs out. The girl walking in is so surprised that she doesn’t go into the bathroom.
Sonia stirs awake with a huge gasp! She feels this sting on her ankle and checks it. She wipes the trickle of blood with her finger. Pulls herself up from the floor and rinses her hands in the sink, checks herself (hair, clothes/skirt, face, pulls up her sock). She takes a deep breath and settles her self as if nothing is the matter, before she walks out of the bathroom.
-
Michael Williamsen
REDO CHARACTER TRAITS
VVICTORIA is a mother, ex-wife to Mike, and an ambitious crime reporter. Bob is her divorce attorney.
LOGLINES
Victoria’s daughter disappears into a city filled with kidnapping and human trafficking, her ex-husband is the sheriff is killing the suspects, and she discovers her new boyfriend is the kidnapper.
To save her daughter who has disappeared, Victoria must maintain her everyone’s sweetheart image to manipulate her ex-husband Sheriff and boyfriend, and local gangsters.
VICTIORIA’S TRAITS OLD: Victoria former traits: Everyone loves Victoria. Passive, sweet, non-confrontational. Everyone loves to help her.
VICTIORIA’S TRAITS REVISED: Everyone’s sweetheart, passive aggressive, starts non-confrontational. She gets more aggressive and uses her kindness as a way to manipulate information from other characters. to the extreme where she launches the Mexican gangsters to save her daughter and the kidnapped children.
INT. VICTORIA’S CAR – NOON – BOB IS IN HIS CAR
BOB
(on speaker phone)
Hi Victoria. I wish I could see you. I just want to know you are all right. I’d love just to give you a hug. I know I have put you through a lot. I hate myself for it. I had to do something to stop the kidnappers. I just wasn’t smart enough to find a better way. I wanted you to know that I plan on bidding on your house at the foreclosure auction so you won’t have to leave. You can stay there. You don’t have to worry.
Bob hangs up.
Victoria sits in her car, in front of her house, listening. Her phone rings again.
BOB
Oh, and some good news I have a lead on Lucy. I think she is ok…
Victoria answers.
VICTORIA
You do?
Bob is set back that Victoria actually answered.
BOB
Oh sweetie. I am so glad you picked up. I haven’t slept a second worrying that you believe I have anything to do with the kidnappers. You really jumped to the wrong conclusion about me.
Bob rolls the window down in his car to show children being taken off a truck and marched into a warehouse.
No reply from Victoria.
BOB
I really love you Victoria and my biggest desire is to bring Lucy back to you.
VICTORIA
Really? You really care that much?
BOB
With all my heart.
VICTORIA
(interrupts)
Where is Lucy?
BOB
I Don’t know yet. I just overheard her name on a phone call a client was having in my office. It would have endangered us all if I had questioned him.
VICTORIA
She’s safe?
BOB
I believe so. I really want to see you.
VICTORIA
I want to see you too.
BOB
Come to my downtown condo right now.
VICTORIA
Ok. I really want this all to work out.
BOB
Me too sweetie. I am so happy I am going to see you and straiten all your misunderstandings out.
Both hang up.
EXT. MEXICAN HOTEL – CONTINUOUS
Victoria’s car pulls into the Hotel as a hooded GANGSTER #4 opens her car door.
VICTORIA
I need your help.
Log in to reply.