Audrey Gomes
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LESSON 26
Audrey Gomes
LOGLINE: Two lawyers fight over the plaintiff’s claim that she was kidnapped and the defendant’s claim it was consensual.
ESSENCE: The argument gets personal.
INT. FEDERAL COURT – DAY
Court already is session… An OLD LADY, the exact picture of what miserable looks like at age 90, on the stand…
OLD LADY
(scowls)
I thought he was running a whore house. Cheap ‘broads’ coming and going…
PLAINTIFF (Miss Wilder), voluptuous everything, jumps to her feet, eyes peeled in DEFENDANT’S direction.
PLAINTIFF
(Yells at Defendant)
I’m not that! You can’t take what you want then to dispose of me like a snotty tissue…
JUDGE, STRIKES the gavel.
Wilder tries bolting toward him. Her attorney, CARLEY SOBERMAN, holding her back…
JUDGE, STRIKES the gavel again.
JUDGE
Miss Wilder!…
PLAINTIFF
I’m not some cheap whore you bought in clearance at Walmart!
Courtroom erupts in laughter.
JUDGE, STRIKING the Gavel repeatedly.
JUDGE
Order in the court!… Order in the court…
Wildly striking the gavel…
JUDGE
Sit down Miss Wilder!
(to Carley)
Counselor, control your client. Another outburst… I’ll hold you in contempt!
Carley Pushes Miss Wilder back in her seat.
DEFENDANT, JOE JOHN, 40-ish, beautiful smile, great teeth, good skin and very handsome, clad in Paisley shirt with Big Gold Chains hanging from his neck, looks totally out of place. MARCUS WELLS is the defense lawyer.
CARLEY
(to Old Lady)
What kind of activity did you witness?
Marcus jumps to his feet…
MARCUS
I object! Seeing people come and go doesn’t say anything about my client’s character.
JUDGE
Overruled! An eyewitness is relevant.
(to Old Lady)
You may answer the question.
Marcus sits.
OLD LADY
(scowls)
People with purple hair. Hairy-chest men. One wears two different shoes. Another has no shoes. I’ve seen a grown man with a ring in his nipple!
MARCUS
I object! This is an attempt to smear my client’s reputation…
CARLEY
(to Marcus)
Joe John is attracted to a collection of oddities! The company he keeps could be revealing his mental state.
Marcus jumps to his feet…
MARCUS
Your honor, my client’s state of mind isn’t in question.
Judge Strikes the gavel, looking totally disgusted.
JUDGE
Let’s adjourn till 9 am tomorrow.
(to Marcus/Carley)
In my chambers.
INT. JUDGE’S CHAMBERS – MOMENTS LATER
Judge, totally aggravated… Arms folded, she’s in control…
JUDGE
You realize this is a kidnapping case carrying a sentence of 5-8 years.
(sneering)
Are you two dating?
CARLEY/MARCUS
(overlapping)
Absolutely not!… No! Not at all!
JUDGE
Then, why are you like bad children in a candy store?
CARLEY
My client alleges being held against her will for two weeks.
MARCUS
(snaps back)
My client says it was a love fest.
JUDGE
Enough already!
(To Carley)
You make your case.
(to Marcus)
And you make yours. Or settle this before either of you makes a case.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – LATER
Carley and Marcus stare down each other across the conference table.
CARLEY
Does your client have a witness who’d corroborate a love fest?
MARCUS
Do you have a witness spying on you while you’re having wild sex? Oh, that’s right! You don’t know what that is!
CARLEY
Excuse me?
MARCUS
Still seeing that married man? You know, the once-a-week Wee-wee visitor?
CARLEY
(hurt)
I confided in you! You don’t get to ask that!
MARCUS
NOW, you’re evasive? I used to get a blow-by-blow account.
She starts gathering her papers. Visibly upset.
MARCUS
(Clearly sorry)
Carley, that was pretty low. I’m sorry… I apologize! Really–
CARLEY
You can be such —
MARCUS
— a dick! I know–
CARLEY
— A shell of a man without an ethical compass.
He raises an eyebrow… Not what he expected.
MARCUS
Okay! I call for a truce.
(softens)
I’m using my imagination here! I can see at a swanky restaurant, having a nice dinner. A drink. Over candlelight. We’ll work it out.
CARLEY
(a beat)
I’d rather die of starvation. Can we discuss settling the case?
MARCUS
My client is innocent.
CARLEY
A defense attorney’s mantra!
MARCUS
Carley, I could set you up to lose.
BEAT as Marcus has got Carley’s attention.
MARCUS
Off the record?
Carley says nothing.
MARCUS
Your client fell in love with my client. She discovered Joe John’s lovefest is habitual. Two weeks of hot baths, lovemaking, then, sex and cooking naked, scrumptious meals, and more sex. All consensual. No one was forced. You won’t win.
Carley takes a moment for it all to sink in.
CARLEY
Thank you, counselor! Duly noted. But I’ll take my chances.
MARCUS
Okay! This is also off the record.
(beat)
I… really… love you.
CARLEY
What?! We were best friends. I know you. That’s the line you use when you wanna to get laid.
She gets up. Gathers her file, stuffing papers in a folder.
MARCUS
It doesn’t have to be tonight!
CARLEY
Okay! You know what? You sycophantic worm, you’re like bird food pellets to me.
Marcus tries to get close. She throws a right hook to his left nostril. Doubles over in pain.
MARCUS
Ow! But I love you!
Carley pushes him out of the way. Exits. Slamming the door.
LONG PAUSE as Marcus gathers his files, nursing his nose. Carley enters. And her look is sobering…
CARLEY
What are we doing? We’re… like playing a game of checkers when it should be chess dealing with people’s lives. And we’re getting our crap all mixed up in it.
LONG PAUSE as Marcus digests the comment.
MARCUS
You’re right!
CARLEY
Let’s forget about my once-a-week Wee-wee visits, and you —
MARCUS
— stop being a dick.
They move in close for a gentle, tender kiss. A lingering hug. They share a look.
CARLEY
Let’s talk about settling the case.
MARCUS
Ah… my client is innocent!
Carley gently pushes him away.
CARLEY
See you in court tomorrow.
MARCUS
Do I have to wait that long?
Carley, rolling her eyes, exits. Slamming the door.
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Audrey Gomes
LESSON 24 QE CYCLE #5
LONGLINE: Wife of an ex-CIA agent disappears. She’s cornered by a secret past.
EXT. PHILLIP AND MIRA’S BROWNSTONE – LATE NIGHT
BRANDY, beautiful Black woman, surveys the house. She can see PHILLIP, tall, lean, gorgeous, pacing, on the phone. Brandy, wearing gloves, opens a Black BMW Sedan car door.
ANGLE ON Brandy placing a blood-stained scarf under the passenger seat. Stealthily shuts the door.
INT. PHILLIP AND MIRA’S LIVING ROOM – NEXT MORNING
Swarming with POLICE, DECTECTIVES, INVESTIGATORS. Phillip, gruffy, six-o’clock shadow, distraught, in the same clothes as the night before, clearly has not slept. He’s fielding a phone call, when Brandy enters.
Brandy moves to Phillip. They speak in hush tones…
BRANDY
I’m here if you need me.
PHILLIP
I don’t! But thank you Brandy.
BRANDY
I remember a time you wanted this!…
PHILLIP
That my wife disappears?
BRANDY
I didn’t mean it that way.
PHILLIP
We work together… That’s it!
His dismissive tone is biting…
PHILLIP
(announcing)
I realize you all can’t indulge, but I need a drink.
He moves away from Brandy. Pouring himself a drink…
DECTECTIVE HAL enters… He registers Phillip’s mood… Takes him aside.
HAL
Phillip, I can’t find much on Mira’s past. She’s like a ghost. What’d you know about her?
PHILLIP
Hal! Mira is my wife!
(snaps)
I know all I need to know!
(beat)
Sorry…
HAL
Buddy, just tryin’ to help.
BEAT as Phillip collects himself… Brandy approaches…
PHILLIP
Mira had a flat… I drove her to work. Dropped her off and I went to the office. When I got home last night, our dog was shot dead. Mira never came home…
BRANDY
And she never went to work.
PHILLIP
What!?
HAL
(beat)
Phil, these are hard question, but I have to ask.
PHILLIP
Yes, of course!
HAL
You’re ex-CIA. Are you a rogue agent?
PHILLIP
No, no, No! I’m entitled to protection as an agent. I wouldn’t go rogue and put Mira at risk.
HAL
You notice any unusual behavior?
PHILLIP
No!–
BRANDY
— Yes! According to her assistant.
They both turn to her. Brandy, referring to her note pad…
BRANDY
Mira has been getting flowers every week. Expensive bouquets. And she always tears up the card that comes with them…
HAL
Phil, did you send them?
PHILLIP
Regretfully, no!
HAL
(sighs)
Could Mira be having an affair?
PHILLIP
There’s a possible abduction of an ex-agent’s wife. Clearly that’s an ominous possibility…
BRANDY
With a dead dog!
They both look at her…
PHILLIP
I think you focus on my past! There’s gotta be at least a dozen people harboring resentment.
He walks away, nursing his drink.
HAL
(to Brandy)
What’d you think?
BRANDY
The last we know of Mira’s whereabout she was in Phillip’s car.
EXT. PHILLIP/MIRA’S BROWNSTONE – MOMENTS LATER
Hal opening the door to Phillip’s Black BMW, Sedan.
INT. PHILLIP AND MIRA’S BEDROOM – SAME
Brandy enters. Takes in the room… She spots the photograph of MIRA, an exotic beauty. She steps into Mira’s meticulously organized closet. She goes directly to Mira’s Lingerie, pulls one out. It’s exquisite! Naughty! Brandy seems to shrinks.
EXT. PHILLIP AND MIRA’S HOUSE – A LITTLE LATER
Hal, standing by Phillip’s car, he’s found something. Talking into his Tactical Ear Gadget…
HAL
I need backup!
INT. PHILLIP AND MIRA’S LIVING ROOM – LITTLE LATER
Hal enters. He hands Phillip, a plastic Evidence Bag. It’s got Mira’s Bloody Scarf. Phillip, stunned…
PHILLIP
C’mon, Hal! You know me! That’s not my style.
HAL
(reluctantly)
I have to take you in. I can’t stand down!
LONG PAUSE as colleagues navigate the schism.
EXT. ABANDONED WEARHOUSE – LATER THE NIGHT
It’s pitch-black. Car rolls up. Headlights out. Stops. Brandy exits the car.
INT. ABANDONED WEARHOUSE – SAME
Fortress-like Door SLAMS Shut.
Brandy struts through the warehouse on a mission. When she opens to…
INT. HOLDING CELL – SAME
Brandy enters. MIRA, seated. Blood-stained, bandage on her hand, being guarded by a HENCHMAN. Mira takes one look at Brandy…
MIRA
I knew it! The flowers every week… you wanted to raise doubt and suspicion. Like I’m having some cheap fling.
(beat)
How’s Phillip?
BRANDY
Worried!… He’s been detained for questioning.
MIRA
What’d you want?
Brandy in Mira’s face…
BRANDY
Finish the deal!
(beat)
You sold weapons to the Salvadorian government. The ammunition never got there! Leaving the weapons dead-on arrival.
MIRA
I set up the deals. I had nothing to do with the delivery.
BRANDY
Salvadorians don’t agree! Now, my job is to see that you do your job!
Brandy starts pacing…
MIRA
You can do this without me. I’ve told you I’m done with back-channels and arms dealers. I have a new life…
BRANDY
With a man who doesn’t really know who you are.
(beat)
I’ve done you a favor. I believe Phillip will be arrested for your disappearance. They’ll find blood in places where it shouldn’t be… The car, your closet, your bed… You know… that sort of thing…
(beat)
Locked up will keep him safe… If the deal goes south, they’ll can’t retaliate with the person closest to you.
MIRA
(Suddenly realizing)
You’re still in love with Phillip.
BRANDY
Finish the deal!
MIRA
Then, what?
BRANDY
You know… Money in the offshore account… New identity. You’ll start over.
Brandy motions to her Henchman…
BRANDY
Move her!
Henchman grabs Mira out of the chair. Shoving her out of the room… Brandy, walking away…
MIRA
(Calling after her)
This is about Phillip. Isn’t it?
You’ll fall under the weight of your own deception. You will never have my life. You’re so needy! So desperate for love!
That hit a nerve. Brandy picks up her pace…
MIRA
(Yells)
I think you’d kill for it!…
BRANDY
(Yells back)
I think you’re right!
SOUND: Fortress-like Door SLAMS Shut
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LESSON 22 ANOTHER LOOK AT MAX INTEREST
Audrey
LOGLINE: It is 1850’s… White Men pelts Trappers visit a Native Settlement for guidance through the Mojave Desert. Only, it’s not what they’d hoped for.
What I learned is using the Max Interest Techniques in any scene, no matter how daunting a subject may be, can create, at the very least, a significant place in the writing process to begin rewrites.
A. HOOK
TRAPPER THREE , on horseback says right at the beginning of entering the Mojave settlement, “I feel like I’m bein’ led into a rattlesnake’s nest.”
PUT IN AN INTERSTING SETTING
Mojave Desert
B. SUSPENSE/UNCERTAINTY
We don’t know if Chief River Walk/Mojave Warriors are going to kill the Trappers.
C. SURPRISE
Natives are surprised to see White Men come to their settlement, while Chief River Walk and Warriors face them.
D. MISLEAD
Chief River Walk provides a Native guide to show the Trappers a shorter route to get to their destination… Colorado.
E. Chief River Walker tells the Trappers they will die if they attempt the route they plan. The weather will be too harsh with extreme heat and cold.
F. UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENT (s)
Entering the settlement.
The Trapper tries to establish a connection with the Chief to gain safe passage through the desert. And when the Trappers realize they’re trapped in the Canyon.
G. PREDICTION
Chief River Walk tells the Trappers, “You will die.” But it’s in reference to the route the Trappers had chosen. But in the end…
H. BETRAYAL
Chief River Walk sends a Warrior Guide to lead the Trappers to the shorter route to Colorado. The Guide leads them into a Canyon where there’s no return. When the Trappers get to the
edge of the Canyon there’s a CLIFF 100 feet in the air, with death defying drop into a violent raging river.
I. WOUNDED
Native People plight. Chief River Walk harbors resentment.
J. CLIFFHANGER/DELIMMA
Do they jump? Can they survive? Can Horses survive the plunge into the rapids?
As the Trappers come to a grip with their reality, standing on the edge of a cliff, they look across the river, on the mountain sits Chief River Walk watching them. END OF INTEREST TECHNIQUES
NOW THE SCENE:
EXT. NEVADA MOJAVE DESERT INDIAN SETTLEMENT- DAY
It’s the 1850’s, MOJAVE INDIAN, settled along the short spans of the Mojave River. Huts on stilts. INDIAN WOMEN weaving baskets, some grinding maze, CHILDRED playing. INDIAN MEN fishing on the river. When…
WARRIOR ONE gallops into the settlement, SOUNDS a “WAR CRY” (warning cry).
EVERYONE stops…
Indian Women hurriedly gather Children, disappearing in their huts. Indian Men come up from the River. WARRIORS with SPEARS come.
THREE TRAPPERS on HORSEBACK, one HORSE carrying supplies trot in, stopping at the edge of the settlement.
TRAPPER THREE
(to Trapper Two)
Feels lik’ I’m bein’ led into a rattlesnake’s nest.
TRAPPER ONE dismounts. The other Trappers hang back.
CHIEF RIVER WALK (River Walk), exits a hut. He’s heavily tattooed, everywhere. Warriors slowly gather behind River Walk.
Trapper One’s eyes trained on River Walk, as he moves toward him.
TRAPPER ONE
Chief River Walk! We come in peace.
WARRIOR ONE
White man come, they bring no peace.
River Walk, throws up a hand… meaning SILENCE.
Trapper One motions COME to TRAPPER TWO, who dismounts. We can see Trapper Two drag pelts from the Horse carrying supplies.
TRAPPER ONE
(nervously)
Me and my men are headed to Colorado. Crossin’ the Mojave… We know dis’ here is Indian territory… We just wont’ permission to pass.
LONG PAUSE as River Walk says nothing.
TRAPPER ONE
We don’t wont’ no trouble.
River Walker peers at Trapper One.
TRAPPER Two approaches carrying beautiful skins, and drops them in front of River Walk, who’s weighing whether or not to trust Trapper One. River Walk does not move. Trapper Two scurries back to the other Trappers.
Long Pause as we see Indian Warriors flanking the Trappers at the edge of the settlement.
TRAPPER ONE
I know what’s happened here. The U.S. Government taking your land and all. We don’t wont’ no part of that.
Trapper One motions to Trapper Two. We can see Trapper Two unloading a small crate off the supply carrying horse. He approaches. Place the crate in front of River Walk. He crack opens the crate… They’re beautiful colored beads, trinkets.
River Walk motions to Warrior One who steps forward… he hands River Walk a knife. Trapper One squirms…
TRAPPER ONE
(Yuman, Mojave Language)
Pipa Aha Macav!
(translation)
People of the river.
(sincerely)
We not like them others. Like I said, we jest passin’ through.
A PAUSE
River Walk, approaches Trader One, and SQUATS. He waits. Trapper One, understands, and SQUATS too.
CHIEF RIVER WALK
You… travel… late.
Points to the sun…
CHIEF RIVER WALK
Shadows of the sun say snow will come early.
Warriors keep eyes peeled on the Trappers.
River Walk draws a circle in the dirt, and an X at the edge of the circle(indicating where they are). He hands the knife to the Trapper One, who’s reluctant to take it, but does.
Trapper One shows River Walk the path they’re taking. And draws at the outer edge of the circle… Then, points north.
CHIEF RIVER WALK
You will die!
(pointing)
Mojave… sun low here. Hot.
Night, cold. Snow will fall.
River Walk draws a straight diagonal line through the circle.
CHIEF RIVER WALK
This way you will go.
TRAPPER ONE
There’s a shorta’ route.
Trader One looks back at his men. Relieved.
River Walk stands…Speaks to Warrior One in Yuman,(Mojave language). Then, enters the hut.
Warrior One, full of resentment, snatches his knife.
EXT. VALLEY/CANYON – LATER
It’s searing heat. Warrior One, leading… Stops.
WARRIOR ONE
Here is the mouth of valley. The valley turns to canyons. It will narrow. Follow it to the end.
He turns his horse on a dime, galloping away.
EXT. VALLEY/CANYON – CONTINUOUS
Valley, sunless, cool. Sandstone Rock, deep orange, ridged formations, jut from the landscaped hundreds of feet above the Trappers heads.
TRAPPER ONE
Let’s keep movin’! Gotta get there before sundown
They start galloping through the valley, sharp curves, no visible horizon. And it begins to narrow.
TRAPPER THREE
We ain’t got no way of knowin’ if we goin’ right.
TRAPPER ONE
Shut up! Just keep goin’!
EXT. DEEP CANYON – HOURS LATER
The path steep decline turns treacherous when sharp, jagged sandstone, pierce the hooves of the Horses. Neighing. Snorting. Rearing.
The Trappers dismount, grabbing the HALTER. Leading skittish, Horses, reluctant to move forward…
TRAPPER TWO
(to the horse)
Steady girl… Steady!
(yells )
The horses can’t do this!
TRAPPER THREE
‘Dis don’t seem right! How the hell we gonna git out of here, if it ain’t right.
TRAPPER ONE
Shut the hell up!–
TRAPPER TWO
— But we can’t go back.
TRAPPER THREE
… You believed that Ingin’! He’d like nothin’ better than to see us all dead. He said, we’d die!
Trapper One draws his gun… CLICK, a bullet in the chamber…
TRAPPER ONE
If you don’t shut up… I’ll kill you myself!
As they hold on the tense moment, there’s a SOUND. They listen. Trapper One, follows the SOUNDS, coaxing his horse, continues moving forward.
SOUND grows LOUDER and LOUDER.
Then, the Trappers see LIGHT at the end of the Canyon. Finally, a moment of relief for them all.
Now, SOUND is deafening.
Trapper One, reaching the end of the Canyon, steps into the light. Relief plays on his whole body until he realizes… It’s a CLIFF. He looks down… it’s a 100 foot drop to death defying rapids below. He’s stunned (no way back).
The other Trappers come to the ledge. They look across the river at the Mountain facing them.
Chief River Walk, on a horse, stares back. He turns his Horse and disappears.
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LESSON 21: REVEALS THAT PIQUE CURIOSITY
Audrey
What I’ve learned in doing this assignment is how much fun it is when you let your imagination run free with the right tools to help me shape a cohesive, dynamic situation. I still feel as though I don’t have complete control yet, but definitely an exciting new adventure into the realm of creative expression… known as screenwriting.
I think this scene is structured: Demand/Cover-up/Reveal.
INT: SOLARIUM ATTACHED TO HOUSE – DAY
It’s New England fall. CELINE, late 70’s, stout, but fragile, dressed warmly, wearing sunglasses, stands in front of the solarium window, staring out and soaking up the warm rays. She has a very calm demeanor.
Already in conversation on her Cell Phone…
CELINE
Mona, I’m not expecting anyone. Especially not Ted.
MONA (O.S.)
Grandmother, we all agreed that you’re never to left alone… And not with him.
CELINE
Please… stop worrying.
MONA (O.S.)
I don’t want anything to happen to you.
CELINE
I can take care of myself.
Just then Celine hears FOOTSTEPS crushing leaves outside. She turns ever so slowly… listens.
MONA (O.S.)
Call me later, okay…
CELINE
Yes, I will Mona.
She hangs up. Stealthily moves to…
INT: LIVING ROOM – SAME
Curated room of leather couches, Baccarat, and Lalique crystal, oil paintings. Cozy and well worn. Feels like someone has lived here forever.
Wings chairs positioned in front of a large Bay Window looking out to the barren fall garden. The backs of the chairs face the front door. Celine sits in one. She stares straight ahead looking out.
A MOMENT LATER
The BEEPs of the Security Code being entered. The door CREEKS opens. TED enters. He’s wearing a mask and has a gun.
CELINE
Is that you TED?
No answer. He’s SCOUTS the house out… Darting from room to room.
Celine takes a deep steely breath.
CELINE
No one else is in the house.
He aims at the gun at the CAMERA, shoots, watching it explode into pieces.
Celine flinches.
He pulls the mask off. Sweeps the room for LISTENING DEVICES in the lamps, behind pictures. Starts KNOCKING things over… Deliberately… indiscriminately.
Celine sits frozen, calm.
CELINE
What do you want with me?
TED
I figured this whole thing out.
Gets in her face.
TED
Where’s the most inconspicuous
spot for a thief to hide the goods?… Answer? In plain sight! With the old woman who lives in a fuckin’ shoe.
CLAPS his hands…
TED
That’s brilliant! John was always the smart one.
CELINE
(calmly)
My son is dead. He made a mistake stealing that diamond. But I have no idea where it is.
Ted squats down in front of Celine, leans in close…
TED
I don’t believe you!… Okay!… Let’s make a deal. You tell me where it’s hidden and I won’t have to hurt anybody else.
LONG PAUSE as Celine digest the comment. She starts to cry…
CELINE
You killed my son!… I always loved you.
But she slowly stops… needs to stay steely-sharp, keep her edge, stay in control.
Ted starts pacing. Then, CRASH, he knocks a lamp over.
CELINE
(calmy)
I know you helped build that company —
TED
— And he stole from us! I was the one who worked seven days a week to hold it all together.
CELINE
Then, keep the business. It can be yours. Run it the way you’ve always wanted to. You won’t lose!
TED
See… why would you say that? You got a nickel in this quarter. You put up the collateral. You don’t even want your investment back? Why would anyone walk away from a cash cow?
(beat)
I’ll tell you why… because you’re expecting bigger gains…
He MARCHES over to Celine… And SLAPS her so hard, her glasses fly off.
He’s immediately sorry.
TED
(whining)
I don’t want to hurt you…
(beat)
For the last time.
She can’t look at him, looks down, still steely, but tears stream down her face.
TED
I’m gonna give you ‘an out.’ You turn over the diamond. Or I kill every member of your family one by one… John was first. Wanna guess who’s next?
LONG PAUSE as digest the moment, it’s time to close the schism. Celine steadies herself to get up… She’s too shaken to pull herself to her feet.
CELINE
Help me up.
Ted’s instantly relieved. Sticks the gun in his pants. CROSSES to Celine… reaches down, and hoisting her up…
When out of Celine’s sleeve drops a SYRINGE. She STABS the needle in his neck, PRESSING the PLUNGER fast and hard.
Ted stunned, dazed, reaches for needle. But can’t. Everything goes limp. He drops like a stone. His eyes wide open, blinking. His body slowly stiffening…
Celine looks down at him.
TED
(barely audible)
You… bitch!
CELINE
(calmly)
And you’re right. There was an old woman who 1lived in a fuckin’ shoe. Whose got the goods!
Celine looks up for the first time. It’s a blank stare. She’s blind.
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LESSON 20 CHARACTER RELATIONSHIPS
Audrey
What I’ve learned in doing this assignment was how to isolate Character Traits and see the interactions in detail either before I write or when I’m in the process of writing/revising. It’s a mechanism for how to adjust and sharpen my vision and write with precision. This will help me with being true to the characters’ behaviors/essence and true to their reactions to each other throughout the script. It’s another layer to writing a scene/script with the long game in mind. The whole process of this course from the beginning until now has been amazing!
TRAITS OF FOUR MAIN CHARACRTERS
Brenda: smart, insecure, self-absorbed, unpredictable.
Aunt Bernie: outspoken, grounded, impatient, daring.
Tamika: vivacious, fearful, irreverent, secretive.
Amara: Laid back, intelligent, caring, rigid.
BRENDA/AUNT BERNIE
Rapport: Brenda’s trait of smart finds refuge in Aunt Bernie being sensible.
Conflict: When Brenda’s self-absorbed trait surfaces and rubs against Aunt Bernie’s outspoken/inpatient traits, it’s a battle.
Contrast: Aunt Bernie being grounded, versus Brenda’s impulsive/unpredictability, makes Aunt Bernie work to keep Brenda on track for the sake of the family.
Competition: Brenda competes to have her position elevated in Aunt Bernie’s eyes, but she will never win. Nonetheless, Brenda always tries.
BRENDA/TAMIKA
Rapport: Tamika, being vivacious, works well with Brenda’s chaos. It’s a dynamic relationship, often humorous energy between them.
Conflict: Brenda’s insecurity clashes with Tamika being irreverent, nothing is sacred to Tamika, who just says what everyone will not.
Contrast: Brenda being smart helps with allaying Tamika’s fears/secrets being exposed.
Competition: Brenda, being the senior sister, can be overbearing and suck the oxygen out of any situation involving the vivacious Tamika.
BRENDA/AMARA
Rapport: Brenda’s unpredictability works well with Amara’s being laid back… who’s not quick to react.
Conflict: Brenda’s being self-absorbed wants what she wants. Amara’s rigid trait makes her immovable when she finally decides. Then, it’s stalemate.
Contrast: Brenda’s insecurity comes across as jealousy when up against Amara, but her caring trait quells Brenda’s anguish.
Competition: Amara has no interest in competing with Brenda. But Amara is so much of what Brenda wants to be.
-
LESSON 19B EXCHANGE CRITIQUES
Audrey
LOGLINE: The person closest to you can do the most damage undermining you.
Essence: A one night affair can come with a price.
The trait I changed was Renee’s from Conformist to Nonconformist.
INT: NEW YORK CITY HIGHRISE – DAY
Glass encased corner Conference Room lets in expansive views of the city on one side, and on the other side of the room, through the glass wall, we see rows of works stations. EVERYONE’S busy.
IN CONFERENCE ROOM
Four FOLDERS neatly on the conference table. MAXINE, 50’s, efficient looking, shoves a folder across the table to RENEE, 30’s and chic. They are mother and daughter. Maxine PRESSES the INTERCOM on Conference table, it’s stuck. Fiddles with it.. Then, speaks into it. RECEPTIONIST visible through the glass, looks up.
MAXINE
(to receptionist)
Let me know when the Puvis’ are in the building.
MAXINE
(to Renee)
And don’t call me Mom in front of clients. It makes me sound weak!
Renee opens the folder, flipping through the pages, takes a hard look, and GASPS.
RENEE
Oh, shit!
MAXINE
What’s the matter?
Renee jumps out of her seat… Starts pacing..
RENEE
I can’t do this. I can’t be at this meeting!
MAXINE
What’re you talking about? We’ve studied this company for months, been persistent in securing this meeting. And you’ve created a great design plan. We’re prepared.
Now, I know you’re nervous…
RENEE
No! This is bad, really bad.
MAXINE
What are you talking about?
RENEE
Okay! You know how I told you I met this person and we hit it off?
MAXINE
Yeah…
RENEE
But I didn’t tell you it was the only time I’d been with a woman.
Maxine winces. This is way too much information. She waits…
RENEE
(pointing to the folder)
Well, that’s her!
MAXINE
Who?…
(beat)
What!… Puvis’ wife?
As Maxine digest the confession, she starts paces, thinking…
MAXINE
You had sex with the client’s wife! What the hell did I raise?
RENEE
I know.. I know! Mom, I’m sorry.
Please don’t tell anyone.
MAXINE
I can’t think of a living soul I’d wanna share this news with…
Pacing thinking hard…
MAXINE
I’m not losing this deal because you got your tit stuck in a ringer.
(beat)
Look, this can’t be her first rodeo. Obviously, she flip flops.
Hey! Whatever makes your boat float. It might be uncomfortable for the both of you, but trust me, she won’t let on. And neither will you. I know it’s messy–
RENEE
–I can’t!
MAXINE
Yes, you can! You have to. I won’t stand for another disappointment from you.
Renee, almost in tears…
RENEE
Mom… you don’t understand!
(pointing to the folder)
He caught us.
MAXINE
He? Who?
(beat)
Her husband!! For cryin’ out loud!
(full of sarcasm)
I’ve been a permissive mother. Allowed you to make your own decisions. Be outgoing. Have your own friends. But you have a knack for the unscrupulous, most unethical and devious deportment… And you’re so prissy!
Renee almost starts to cry.
MAXINE
No… No… No! Don’t do that.
(beat)
Please tell me it was not at their home.
RENEE
It was at a hotel.
MAXINE
Do you think he’ll recognize you?
Renee weighs the question.
RENEE
I’m not sure!
MAXINE
Was it dark?
Renee nods yes.
MAXINE
Did you talk?
Renee nods no.
MAXINE
Well, what’d he say?
RENEE
Get out!
MAXINE
That would pretty much cover it.
(sighs)
Let’s see how this plays out. Just fake it!
Conference Room INTERCOM
RECEPTIONIST (V.O.)
Maxine, the Puvis’ are here.
Maxine PRESSES the INTERCOM
MAXINE
(to Receptionist)
Thank you!
Through the glass we see The PUVIS’ heading to the Conference Room.
MEANWHILE Maxine is in Renee’s face. INTERCOM is open…
MAXINE
If he says anything, act like it’s a case of mistaken identity. It wasn’t you, you weren’t there!
OUTSIDE CONFERENCE ROOM
EVERYONE slowly turns toward the Conference Room.
MAXINE
Next time ask a woman her name before you end up diddling a client’s wife.
Everyone’s heard it, including The PUVIS’ who stand frozen at the Conference Room door. Now, Renee and Maxine see The Puvis’.
The Receptionist, excuses herself pass The Puvis’, sheepishly unsticking the INTERCOM. And leaves.
-
Hi Andrew… This is an interesting read… a difficult subject, that takes a twists and turns. I was holding my breath the whole time… Makes me wonder what the next scene would be. Good Job!
-
L:16 PLEASE EXCHANGE CRITIQUE ON CYCLE #3 SCENE
Audrey
Logline: Divorced parents try to plan their son’s engagement dinner.
Essence: Unresolved grudges will surface between lovers.
EXT. MOUNT TREMBLANT, QUEBEC LODGE – DAY
Nestled in the Laurentian Mountains. Ski territory. Picturesque. Feels magical. It’s Blustery winter day. NANCY, every hair in place, 40-ish, Jimmy Choo shoes, and Italian Suede everything. And SQUIRE, late 40’s, classic casual and looks happy. They’re hurrying to their destination when they bump into each other.
SQUIRE
Oh, Nan!…
He goes to hug her, but it’s awkward. So they don’t.
(taking her in)
You look great!
NANCY
Thanks!
Squire looks up at the Mount Tremblant sign. Raises an eyebrow…
SQUIRE
Can you believe our Jason? I remember when he was born. A full head of hair, and the white of his eyes were soft blue… that newborn smell.
Takes a deep breath reminiscing the scent.
SQUIRE
Umm!
Nancy isn’t the least bit moved.
NANCY
Yeah, the sooner we get through this the better.
SQUIRE
C’mon, Nan. I think we can do this without any animosity.
NANCY
Don’t call me Nan. No one calls me that. Nan was when we were married which we are not!
She enters. Squire follows.
INT. MOUNT TREMBLANT, LODGE, DINING ROOM – MOMENTS LATER
Rustic charming. And it’s a sample tasting! The MAITRE D’ greets Nancy… La Bise, (two people kissing both cheeks). He clearly knows her, and he leads Nancy and Squire to their exquisitely set table.
MAITRE D’
(to Nancy)
Puis-je vous obtenir quelque chose?
(translation))
(Can I get you anything?)
NANCY
Merci! Comme vous le savez, J’ai deja decide du repas.
Juste le faire senitir important.
(translation)
(Thank you! As you know, I’ve already decided on the meal. Just making him feel important.)
The Maitre d’ smiles, scurrying away.
SQUIRE
I speak English. I prefer that you don’t speak French for this thing.
NANCY
Fine!… Well, I already know that the popular choices for dinner are Poultry and Fish.
SQUIRE
I think we should have a vegan menu.
NANCY
Why?
SQUIRE
My wife is a vegan.
NANCY
Maybe she should bring her own food.
Squire laughs. Nancy does not.
NANCY
(beat)
Why do you insist on parading your poor taste in front of our friends and family and at our son’s engagement dinner?
SQUIRE
I’m prepared to pay extra for the vegan menu.
NANCY
She can’t come!
SQUIRE
What!
(beat)
You can’t mean that–
NANCY
— I do!
SQUIRE
We’re adults. Let’s show everyone that we’re bigger than petty grievances…
NANCY
… Petty? You left me broke!
SQUIRE
We can be mutually compassionate. Hell, if anyone should be mad, it should be me. You left… remember?
NANCY
Don’t you dare deflect… You talk like you’ve got cobwebs in your damn head. Next, you’ll be asking if we can all sit together.
SQUIRE
Well, that’s what I was thinking!
Maitre d’ crosses with a tray of small dishes. LOADS the table with delicacies.
MAITRE D’
Monsieur, Madam — Quest-ceque–
SQUIRE
(clears his throat)
— English… please… And thank you!
MAITRE D’
(to Squire)
These are samples of appetizers, the poultry, fish dishes, and the petite desserts…
Nancy and Squire take plates from the tray.
SQUIRE
(to Maitre d’)
Do you have a vegan menu?
MAITRE D’
Yes, of course–
NANCY
— We don’t need a vegan menu.
SQUIRE
Yes.. We do!
NANCY
I don’t think we do!
Nancy stabs whatever is on her plate.
SQUIRE
You wanna fight about one dinner?
NANCY
Uh, huh!
And she begins to repeatedly eviscerate what’s on her plate…
The Maitre d’ slowly backs away.
SQUIRE
Look!… I made some mistakes. That thing with the Hooker and the money… I wasn’t in my right mind. I’m sober and clean–
Nancy’s stabs the food with each syllable she utters.
NANCY
–and with CANDY.
(under her breath)
What grown woman calls herself Candy?
(beat)
Oh, wait! And she’s the indiscretion…
SQUIRE
You know what? We’ve done something right. We’ve got this amazing son. And I want to thank you for not turning him against me. Because angry women do that!–
Nancy’s eye’s narrow, lips pucker…
NANCY
— I’m not angry. This was about showing you, you can’t break me.
SQUIRE
(beat)
Nancy, our son will take his lead from us. It’s like making a box cake. Follow the instructions and it’ll all work out fine.
(beat)
What’d you want me to do?
Nancy gives him a hard stare…
NANCY
If she must come…do not introduce your wife to my friends or family.
She will sit at the furthest table from me… and if you have children with her, do not EVER say the I’m their stepmother.
Squire stabs something on the plate before him.
SQUIRE
I can’t even believe that I would ever say anything like this to you…
(beat)
I still love you!
Puts the food in his mouth.
ON HIM as he walks out.
LONG PAUSE
Nancy stares after Squire.
Then, Nancy raises her hand, getting the attention of the Maitre d’.
NANCY
Sil vous plait apporter le menu vegetalien.
(translation)
Please bring me a vegan menu.
-
L:14 QE CYCLE #3
Audrey
Logline: Divorced parents try to plan their son’s engagement dinner.
Essence: Unresolved grudges will surface between lovers.
EXT. MOUNT TREMBLANT, QUEBEC LODGE – DAY
Nestled in the Laurentian Mountains. Ski territory. Picturesque. Feels magical. It’s Blustery winter day. NANCY and SQUIRE, hurrying to their destination bump into each other.
SQUIRE
Nan!…
He goes to hug her, but it’s awkward. So they don’t.
(taking her in)
You look great!
NANCY
Thanks!
Squire looks at the fancy lodge. Raises an eyebrow.
SQUIRE
Can you believe our Jason? I can remember his full head of black hair, and that sweet newborn smell.
Takes a deep breath reminiscing the scent.
Nancy isn’t the least bit moved.
NANCY
Yeah, the sooner we get through this the better.
SQUIRE
C’Mon… Nan. I think we can do this without any animosity.
NANCY
Don’t call me Nan. No one calls me that. Nan was when we were married which we are not!
She enters. Squire follows.
INT. MOUNT TREMBLANT, LODGE, DINING ROOM – MOMENTS LATER
Rich Rustic. It’s a sample tasting! The MAITRE D’ greets Nancy… La Bise, (two people kissing both cheeks). He leads Nancy and Squire to their table.
MAITRE D’
(to Nancy)
Puis-je vous obtenir quelque chose?
(translation))
(Can I get you anything?)
NANCY
Merci! J’ai deja decide.
Juste le faire senitir important.
(translation)
(Thank you! I’ve already decided. Just making him feel important.)
The Maitre d’ smiles, scurrying away.
SQUIRE
I speak English. I prefer that you don’t speak French for this thing.
NANCY
Fine!… Well, I already know that the popular choices for dinner are Poultry and fish.
SQUIRE
I think we should have a vegan menu.
NANCY
Why?
SQUIRE
My wife is a vegan.
NANCY
Maybe she should bring her own food.
(beat)
You insist on parading your poor taste in front of our friends and family and at our son’s engagement dinner.
SQUIRE
I’ll pay the extra for the vegan menu.
NANCY
She can’t come!
SQUIRE
What!
(beat)
You can’t mean that–
NANCY
— I do!
SQUIRE
We’re adults. Let’s show everyone that we’re bigger than out gripes.
It’s mutual compassion. Hell, if anyone should be mad, it should be me. You left… remember?
NANCY
Don’t you dare deflect…Like you’ve got cobwebs in your damn head. Next, you’ll be asking if we can all sit together.
SQUIRE
That’s exactly what I was thinking.
Maitre d’ crosses with a tray of small dishes. LOADS the table with delicacies.
MAITRE D’
Monsieur, Madam — Quest-ceque–
SQUIRE
(clears his throat)
— English… please!
MAITRE D’
(to Squire)
These are samples of the poultry and fish dishes…
Nancy and Squire pull plates closer.
SQUIRE
(to Maitre d’)
Do you have a vegan menu?
MAITRE D’
Yes, of course–
NANCY
— We don’t need a vegan menu.
SQUIRE
Yes.. We do.
NANCY
I don’t think we do!
Nancy stabs whatever is on her plate.
SQUIRE
You wanna fight about one dinner?
NANCY
Uh huh!
And she begins to butcher the meat as though she’s killing it all over again.
The Maitre d’ slowly backs away.
SQUIRE
Look!… I made some mistakes. That thing with the Hooker… I wasn’t in my right mind. I’m sober and clean–
Nancy’s stabs the food with each syllable she utters.
NANCY
–and with CANDY.
(under her breath)
What grown woman wants to be called Candy?
(beat)
Oh, wait! And she’s the indiscretion.
SQUIRE
You know what? We’ve done something right. We’ve got this amazing son. Thank you for not turning him against me. Our son will take his lead from us. It’s like making a box cake. Follow the instructions and it’ll all work out fine.
(beat)
What’d you want me to do?
Nancy gives him a hard stare…
NANCY
If she must come…do not introduce your wife to my friends or family.
LOADS the table with dishes of delicacies.
She will sit at the furthest table from me… and if you have children wit her, do not EVER say the I’m their step mother.
Squire stabs something on the plate before him.
SQUIRE
I can’t even believe that I would ever say anything like this to you…
(a beat)
I still love you!
Puts the food in his mouth.
ON HIM as he walks out.
LONG PAUSE
Nancy stares after Squire.
-
LESSON 12 CREATING CHALLENGING SITUATIONS
Audrey
What I’ve learned that’s improving my writing is how to think of the protagonist as pervasive in the scene in which she appears. I’ve not thought of the protagonist this way in the past.
CURRENT LOGLINE: MEL, an American doctor’s arrival at an orphanage in Africa disarms her.
ESSENCE: To make a good first impression.
Needs: To be accepted
Values: Trying to put everyone at ease
Wound: She seems tentative, unsure about how it’s all going to work.
Physical: She touches every child who comes to meet her.
BRAINSTORM: List of possible challenges
The nuisance of language
Her attire
The amount of luggage she travels with
QUICK SUMMARY: Mel says something in Swahili, and it comes out wrong. And she looks like she’s on a photo shoot for an ad for Safari clothes. The amount of luggage she’s traveling with, signifies excess. Everyone notices. It makes for an awkward first impression.
CURRENT LOGLINE: MEL befriends a Coffee Farmer, BRIAN. Unbeknownst to Mel, TEE TEE ( a House Mother) is in love with him.
ESSENCE: Mel tries balancing the difficulty of her work with relaxation.
Needs: To escape the orphanage for a breather and finds that in Brian.
Values: Friendships with new allies.
Wound: Homesick
Physical: Mel walks the lush Shade Coffee fields looking for Brian.
BRAINSTORM: List of Challenges
Mel visiting Brian and the Coffee Farm and lovelorn Tee Tee finds out.
The jealous Tee Tee displays disturbing behavior toward Mel.
Mel senses Tee Tee will be a problem.
QUICK SUMMARY: Tee Tee adds tension to the platonic relationship between Mel and Brian. I think it is foreseeable that two attractive people can connect. But it can be more interesting that Mel and Brian don’t get involved but end up having a beautiful friendship.
-
Audrey Full-Out Characters
What I’ve learned that’s improving my writing is that the clearer the Core Traits are articulated before the writing begins the easier it is for me to see the characters fully. I can even write scenes in my head. This is a total breakthrough for me.
CURRENT
Description: STEPHANIE is a hospitalized psych patient who struggles with reality.
Their Core Traits: Agitated… Caring… Absent-minded… Convincing.
STEPHANIE begins to recall a murder she witnessed by a doctor and reveals the memory to her trusted nurse, who’s that doctor’s wife.
REVISED
Description: STEPHANIE, a hospitalized psych patient, emerges from a coma, struggling with what’s real or imagined.
Core traits: Hostile… Confused… Steadfast… Persuasive.
Subtext: STEPHANIE slowly recalls a murder she witnessed by a prominent doctor, and reveals the memory to her trusted nurse, who’s the wife of the murderer.
CURRENT
Description: AMARA is an investigative reporter who’s focused on getting the story no matter what.
Their Core Traits: Inquisitive… vulnerable… guarded… trusting.
Subtext: Everything AMARA worked for is compromised when she stumbles upon evidence that the man she’s sleeping with has stolen a dead man’s identity.
REVISED
Description: AMARA an ambition investigative reporter driven to succeed at all costs.
Core Traits: Unrelenting… fearless… vulnerable… unsure.
Subtext: AMARA relishes the “takedown “as a reporter until she stumbles upon evidence that the man she’s sleeping with has stolen a dead man’s identity.
CURRENT
Description: MONSIEUR CHVANY has vivid dreams of another place and time.
Core Traits: Friendly… disillusioned… controlling… self-indulgent.
Subtext: MONSIEUR CHVANY visits places he gets in dreams and finds that he’s had a past life.
REVISED
MONSIEUR CHVANY has vivid dreams that he had a past life.
Core Traits: Flamboyant… Avant Garde… Restless… Erudite.
Subtext: MONSIEUR CHVANY cryptic dreams leads him on a hunt for answers when he finds his past life is real.
-
AUDREY
LESSON 10: QE CYCLE 2 – EXCHANGE FEEDBACK
LOGLINE: A rich Asian benefactor’s most precious heirloom has been stolen from a museum gallery in his family’s name. The real culprit is the last person he’d suspect.
ESSENCE: When what appears to be the truth could really be a lie.
INT. MUSEUM ROTUNDA – DAY
JOHN ABARA, uniformed Security Guard, late 40’s, white, is in lock step with MIRA YANG, beautiful, African-American in her 30’s, and she’s all business. They’re hastily approaching…
FROM JOHN AND MIRA’S POV
POLICE. CAMERA FLASHES. PLAIN CLOTHES DETECTIVE making notes, FORENSICS, in latex gloves and, evidence collection kits, all milling around.
BACK TO MIRA
MIRA
As you can imagine, Mr. Yang is very upset. But there’s nothing that ties you to any of this. Don’t let my husband rattle you… He’s very good at that! You’ll be fine. Just stick to your story.
JOHN
(South African accent)
My story? It’s not a story. It’s the truth!
They share a look.
MIRA
Good!
A hint of a smile creeps across Mira’s lips, as they march toward to commotion.
INT. MUSEUM YANG GALLERY – CONINUOUS
Asian and African Artifacts displayed side by side. Pottery. Paintings. Gold vessels. Masks. Vases. A broken Glass Display Case, surrounded by investigators.
NICK YANG, handsome Asian, 40’s, Brook Brothers styled, intensely studies the empty Glass Display Case, dusted in Forensic white powder. TWO BODYGUARDS, flank Nick. As the commotion thins out… John and Mira enter. She stealthily stands to one side.
Nick, sees John, and jesters for the Two Bodyguards to leave. They exit.
NICK
John! Sorry, I don’t recall your last name.
JOHN
Abara!
NICK
Abara! Where are you from? I mean the accent.
JOHN
I’m from South Africa!
Nick walks around the gallery studying the artifacts as though he’s seeing it all for the very first time.
MEANWHILE
NICK
Tell me about yourself, John.
JOHN
You know me! I’ve worked here for 11 years.
NICK
And?…
A BEAT as John register’s it’s not the answer Nick wants.
JOHN
I work this wing of the museum and mostly assigned to this gallery.
NICK
Ah, there it is! You know this wing! Every artifact. Every exit. Alley way. Every curator.
JOHN
I told the detectives everything I know.
NICK
See, I don’t think you did!
John says nothing.
Nick turns to John and their eyes lock.
NICK
Here’s what I know about you! You’ve never taken a sick day in 11 years… no family or personal time.
JOHN
That’s right!
NICK
Except the day of the robbery.
John says nothing.
NICK
Here’s the other thing I know about you… you once ran into a burning building and saved a man you didn’t even know. That shows courage… Someone who’s willing to take risk…
JOHN
I’m no fool! I could see my way in. And clearly see the way out!
As Nick digests the comment, he moves close to John.
NICK
Smart!
JOHN
Mr. Yang. I lead a simple life. I come to work. Do my job. And go home and feed my cat.
Nick, clearly growing agitated, starts pacing…
NICK
The Bronze African Mask is an ancient artifact that belongs to my family, dating back to the 6th Century.
( clearly agitated)
A rare historical find! It’s evidence that trade occurred between two continents… China and
NICK (CONT’D)
Africa! It’s an Asian treasure, important to me…
Turns to Mira.
NICK
To us!
JOHN
What’d you want from me?
Nick gets in John’s face…
NICK
(yells)
I WANT IT BACK!
(growing angrier)
We all know if there’s a roach in this gallery that doesn’t belong, you’ll know it! Hard to believe a rat enters, case the gallery and you have no clue! I’m giving a way out!… Name your price! And make something of your life with your fuckin’ cat!
Mira rushes to Nick’s side… grabs his arm.
MIRA
Nick, that’s enough!
She pulls away.
The Two Bodyguards rush in, accessing the moment.
JOHN
NICK! Here’s the difference between me and you… I don’t stay up at night worrying about my big losses, or how to trust, or who wants me because of who I am.
Nick rushes to John. One Bodyguards steps in front of John.
JOHN
And here’s what I know about you! The heist goes underground and may never be discovered. But someone will be rich!
(whispering)
Here’s the best part!
JOHN (CONT’D)
Priceless stolen art have hefty insurance payouts. Either way… I see that as a win, win!
Their eyes lock.
Nick balls his fist.
NICK
(furious)
I will squeeze you like a rotten grape — if you’re involved.
John starts walking out…
JOHN
(overlapping, calls back)
— Mate, take one for the team!
It may wind up in Africa!
John stops. Peers at Nick.
JOHN
Like a gift-back for all the stolen art that ends up in galleries!
He looks at Mira. Then, he walks away.
END OF ACT
-
AUDREY
LESSON 8: QE CYCLE 2
LOGLINE: A rich Asian benefactor’s most precious artifact has been stolen from a museum gallery in his family’s name. The real culprit is the last person he’d suspect.
ESSENCE: How to create the tension between the accuser and the accused.
INT. MUSEUM ROTUNDA – DAY
JOHN ABARA, a Security Guard, late 40’s, white, is in lock step with MIRA YANG, beautiful, African-American woman in her 30’s, and she’s all business. They’re hastily approaching…
FROM JOHN AND MIRA’S POV
POLICE. CAMERA FLASHES. PLAIN CLOTHES DETECTIVE making notes, FORENSICS, in latex gloves and brief case kits. All milling around.
BACK TO MIRA
MIRA
Mr. Yang is very upset. But there’s nothing that ties you to any of this. Don’t let my husband rattle you… He’s good at that. Stick to your story.
JOHN
(South African accent)
My story? It’s not a story. It’s the truth!
They share a look.
MIRA
Good!
A hint of a smile creeps across Mira’s lips, as they march toward to commotion.
INT. MUSEUM YANG GALLERY – CONINUOUS
Asian and African Art displayed side by side. Pottery. Paintings. Gold vessels. Masks. Silk Screens. Vases.
NICK YANG, handsome Asian, 40’s, Brook Brothers styled, intensely, studies the empty Glass Case, dusted in white powder. TWO BODYGUARDS, flank Nick. As the commotion thins out… John and Mira enter. She stealthily stands to one side.
Nick, sees John, and jesters for the Two Bodyguards to leave. They exit.
NICK
John! Thanks for coming! Sorry, I don’t recall your last name.
JOHN
Abara!
NICK
Abara! Where are you from?
JOHN
Originally, I’m from South Africa!
Nick turns to the empty Glass Case dusted with forensic powder. Then, he peers up to the glass ceiling.
NICK
What’d you think of the skylights?
John doesn’t answer.
NICK
(to John)
Illumination allows you to see things in a different light. We are happy to announce, the opening of The Yang Gallery. I’m proud of our work here and the investments you’ve made.
Nick continues to studying the artifacts like he’s seeing it all for the first time.
MEANWHILE
NICK
Tell me about yourself, John.
JOHN
You know me! I’ve worked here for 10 years.
NICK
And?…
A BEAT as John register’s it’s not the answer Nick wants.
JOHN
I’m a security guard at this end of the museum, assigned to this wing.
NICK
Ah, there it is! You know this wing! Every artifact. Every exit. Alley way. Every curator.
JOHN
I told the detectives everything I know.
NICK
See, I don’t think you did!
John says nothing.
Nick turns to John and their eyes lock.
NICK
What I know is this… you once ran into a burning building and saved a man you didn’t even know. That takes courage… Someone who’s willing to take risk…
JOHN
I’m no hero. I could see my way in. And clearly see my way out!
As Nick digests the comment…
NICK
Smart! You won’t take a chance if you can’t see your way out.
A BEAT
JOHN
Mr. Yang. I lead a simple life. I come to work. Do my job. And go home to feed my cat.
Nick, clearly growing agitated, starts pacing…
NICK
The Bronze African Mask is an ancient artifact that belongs to my family… It dates back to the 6th Century.
NICK
(emphasis)
The mask is evidence that trade occurred between two continents… China and Africa! It’s a rare find in Asia. Which is important to history… to me…
Turns to Mira.
NICK
To us!
JOHN
What’d you want from me?
Nick gets in John’s face…
NICK
(yells)
I WANT IT BACK!
(growing angrier)
We all know if there’s a roach in this gallery that doesn’t belong, you’ll know it! Hard to believe a rat enters and you have no clue! My gut tells me that rat is you!
Mira rushes to Nick’s side… grabs his arm.
MIRA
Nick, that’s enough!
Nick pulls away.
The Two Bodyguards rush in.
John sees them, and he calmly and carefully moves to Nick.
JOHN
NICK! Here’s the difference between me and you… I don’t stay up at night worrying about big losses because I don’t have any.
John bends into Nick’s ear.
JOHN
(whispering)
And here’s what I know! The heist goes underground and the mask may never be discovered. But someone will be rich.
JOHN
(whispering)
Here’s the best part! Priceless stolen art have hefty insurance payouts. Either way… it’s a win, win!
Their eyes lock.
Nick balls his fist.
NICK
(furious)
I will squeeze you like a rotten grape —
John starts walking out…
JOHN
(overlapping, calls back)
— Mate, take one for the team! Think of it as charity!
John stops. Peers at Nick.
JOHN
For all the stolen art raped from another continent!
He looks at Mira. Then, he walks away.
-
AUDREY
LESSON 6 QE CYCLE #1
EXT. LONG ISLAND BACKYARD – DAY
Olympic size pool. LIFEGUARD. Cabana. Bouncy House, Outside Bar, CLOWNS, SHETLAND PONIES, and unruly KIDS destroying everything, while ADULTS socialize. It’s a lavish kid’s Birthday Bash!
SUZANNE, 30’s, looks frazzled, wearing a well-tailored black dress. Meets up ROBERT, who’s carting a Teddy Bear the size of a 5-year-old.
ROBERT
You couldn’t have planned this party another for another day?
SUZANNE
Today is Samantha’s Birthday. Just because our parents celebrated our big day, when it was convenient for them… Sometimes weeks later, doesn’t mean I should do the same.
(teary)
This is home… our family’s home! Dad would love this!
Teary, she walks away.
TRENT arrives, he’s dressed like a GQ Model, polished from head to pedicure.
ROBERT
Wow! Trent… Nice to see you. Wasn’t sure you’d come.
Trent, surveying the scene…
TRENT
Did I get the date wrong?
ROBERT
No, you didn’t!
TRENT
Why is there a party on the same day as ‘the reading of the will?’
ROBERT
It’s Suzanne!… You know her! She said it’s her damn house too, and she can do whatever the devil she wants.
Kids see the Over-Stuffed Teddy Bear and come running, giggling, surrounding Robert and Trent. Birthday girl, SAMANTHA (SAM), 5 years old, grabs The Bear instantly falls in love with it. And she and the Bear are the same size.
SAMANTHA
(giggling)
Thank you, Uncle Robbie! It’s perfect!
ROBERT
You’re so welcome Sam! And I want you to meet your–
TRENT
— I’m Trent! Your mother’s brother!
(pointing)
His too!
Samantha doesn’t know what to make of him.
Trent reaches into his pocket and pulls out a wad of money, peels off a few bills, handing them to Samantha.
An ACKWARD MOMENT as Samantha hugging the Teddy Bear with a fist full of money, walks off.
TRENT
(calling after her)
Give it to your mom. Tell her it’s from Trent… for you.
(trying to sound natural)
Un…cle … Trent.
IN THE DISTANCE
We Suzanne escorting MR ELKRIDGE, an older gentleman, with a stiffened gait, dis-shelved, carrying a briefcase.
Trent sees Mr. Elkridge…
TRENT
Is that ELKRIDGE? Good God, he’s still alive?
ROBERT
I heard he drinks. It seems alcohol has pickled him.
They chuckle.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
Dad trusted Elkridge with his life. They go way back. You know how dad didn’t like change.
TRENT
Wonder how he feels about being stuck in hell?
A BEAT
ROBERT
There’s something I need to tell you before “the reading of the will.’
Robert heads to the Mansion. Trent follows.
INT. FOYER HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
HOUSEKEEPER crossing when Trent meets up with her.
TRENT
Would you bring in some drinks? I mean something strong… preferably fermented. In fact, grab the best bottle we have from the cellar!
Housekeeper looks at him as if he’s got two heads. Registering the look… Extends his hand to shake…
TRENT
Oh, I’m Trent!… The dead man’s son. Nice to meet you!
INT. LIVING ROOM – MOMENTS LATER
Trent re-familiarizing himself with storied walls of family photographs.
ROBERT
Now, I know you didn’t think I’d ever get it together. But I have.
(sighs)
No more secrets!… I’m a father!
TRENT
WHAT?… Wow! That’s wonderful! How old is he?
ROBERT
Seven, he’s seven!
TRENT
Congrats!… Are you married?
ROBERT
Yes!
TRENT
WHAT?… Where was the wedding?
Robert, sheepishly, points to the backyard.
TRENT
You didn’t have the decency to invite me?
(a beat)
Anyone I know?
ROBERT
Ah, yeah, well… It’s Lanie.
TRENT
Lanie… LANIE! Like Lanie, MY ex?
ROBERT
I know how this looks–
TRENT
— WHAT? I LOVED HER!… Is she the mother?
Robert is silent.
Trent paces, thinking, then…
TRENT
(slowly growing angrier)
Oh, I get it! My ex-girlfriend, who dumped me for some lazy, out of shape UPS guy, is now going to get a part of my inheritance which she clearly does not deserve!
SUZANNE enters.
ROBERT
Why is it always about you?
SUZANNE
Look, the sooner we get this over with, the better!
Trent and Suzanne AD LIB, “They Agree.” Robert, noticeably quiet.
ROBERT
Well, ah, there’s one more thing.
DEAD SILENCE
ROBERT
Our son, who dad absolutely loved–
TRENT
— Whoa, Whoa! Wait a minute! You said your son is 7! How’s that possible? Me and Lanie broke-up 6 years ago!
Gets in Robert’s face…
ROBERT
Hold on!… Easy to explain! This happened on your watch.
TRENT
What?
ROBERT
Ah, it was not a UPS guy.
He worked for Federal Express!
Trent leaps for Robert’s throat. They both fall to the floor. Suzanne jumps on top of the two of them. And she starts beating whoever is closest. And it’s on! With EACH SLAP, KICK, CHOCK HOLD she says…
SUZANNE
I… CAN’T… STAND… EITHER…
OF… YOU… SICKENING!
Mr. Elkridge, very slow moving, appears in the doorway with the Manila folder in hand, marked “FINAL WILL and TESTAMENT.”
He watches the brawl…
MR. ELKRIDGE
(to himself)
Nothing’s changed!
-
AUDREY
LESSON 5 QE CYCLE #1
EXT. LONG ISLAND BACKYARD – DAY
Pool. Cabana, Outside Bar, CLOWNS, KIDS running everywhere. Pink balloons. ADULTS socializing. It’s a kid’s Birthday Bash.
TRENT sees an OLD LADY, slowly making her way to a seat. JOE, standing close-by…
TRENT
Hey!… Joe! Take the nice lady to sit. Get her something to eat… Drink. Whatever she wants.
Joe takes the Old Lady’s arm….
EXT. LONG ISLAND FRONTYARD – SAME
Car idling, as ROBERT jumps out on the passenger side. Pokes his head in the window. To THE DRIVER, a massive man…
ROBERT
I won’t be long!…
EXT. LONG ISLAND BACKYARD – MOMENTS LATER
ROBERT enters with an OVER-STUFFED TEDDY BEAR the size of a 5 year-old. The Kids all see it and come running, giggling.
ACROSS THE YARD
Trent, seeing Robert, jaws tightens, his glare could slice a man in two.
BACK TO ROBERT
THE BIRTHDAY GIRL, all in pink, runs to Robert and hugs The Bear. Instantly, in love with it… And they’re the same size!
THE BIRTHDAY GIRL
Thank you, Mr. Robert! It’s Perfect!
She’s off with the Over-stuffed Teddy Bear.
SUZANNE, The Birthday Girl’s mother, smiling, approaches… Gives a light touch to Robert’s arm…
SUZANNE
Robert, so good to see you! Fix yourself a drink! Stay awhile!
She scurries back to the party.
Trent approaches, mustering a smile…
ROBERT
Hey Trent!
TRENT
Where you been?
Robert rubs his hands together, indicating, he’s made some money.
ROBERT
Been tied up. Had a game going…
TRENT
Yeah?
ROBERT
Yeah!… I’m feeling lucky. Any action here?
Trent, takes a Nano second, lying.
TRENT
Yeah! Yeah… We’re in the Hole!
Robert, knows The Hole well, played there many times. He heads in that direction… Trent follows.
ALCOVE OF THE HOUSE
As soon as they turn the corner, Trent grabs Robert, hurls him against the wall, elbow to the chest…
TRENT
What the fuck are you doing here?
Robert stumbles, gasping, grabs his chest. Coughs. Can’t talk.
ROBERT
(winded)
Come-on’ Trent! You still believe that shit… I had nothing to do with any of it.
TRENT
You like money. Do anything to get it. Lie. Cheat–
ROBERT
— I’ve never killed nobody.
TRENT
I don’t want you around me!
One day Chris is alive. The next he’s dead. And what’s missing on the dead man? A Rolex! And by coincidence, one week later…
Snatching up Robert’s wrist, exposing a Rolex.
TRENT
You got the same watch!
Robert wrestles his wrist free. Shoves Trent back, hard.
ROBERT
Yeah! You’d like it to be me. Rumor has it… you might’ve been the last one to see Chris. We all know you’ve always wanted everything he has.
Trent hauls a punch… SMACK on Robert’s jaw. He hits the ground. Out of nowhere, The Driver, grabs Trent, lands a crushing blow to the abdomen, upper cut to the jaw, another on the nape of his neck. The Driver comes at Trent again when…
Trent, drops to his knees, doubled over, wheezing, can’t catch his breath.
A BEAT as Robert gathers himself.
ROBERT
My apologies to Suzanne. Sorry, I couldn’t stay.
Robert and The Driver walk away.
-
Audrey: Quality Elevation Process
EXT. LONG ISLAND BACKYARD – DAY
Pool, cabana, outside bar, CLOWNS, KIDS running everywhere. It’s a kid’s Birthday party. TRENT sees an OLD LADY, slowly making her way to a seat. JOE, a friend close-by…
TRENT
Hey Joe! Take the nice lady to sit, wherever she wants. Get her something to eat.
Joe takes the Old Lady’s arm and they disappear.
ROBERT shows up with a STUFFED TEDDY BEAR the size of a 4 year old.
ACROSS THE YARD
TRENT sees Robert. If eyes were dagger Robert would be split in two.
Robert registers the look, but not the least bit intimidated…
Trent approaches…
ROBERT
Hey Trent!
TRENT
What the fuck are you doing here?
ROBERT
Suzanne invited me.
TRENT
I told you not to come around.
ROBERT
Come-on’ Trent! You still believe that shit… I had nothing to do with any of it.
TRENT
Why don’t I believe you?
ROBERT
Man, you paranoid…
TRENT
No. You like money. People like you will do anything to get it. Lie. Cheat.
ROBERT
I’ve never killed anybody.
SUZANNE, approaches…
SUZANNE
Oh, Robert! So good to see you!
She takes the Stuffed Teddy Bear. They AD LIB “Hello.”
SUZANNE
She’s gonna love this! Make yourself a drink.
As Robert walks away… Trent follows.
EXT. LONG ISLAND FRONYARD -SAME
TRENT
One day Chris is alive. The next he’s dead. What’s missing, and the only thing missing? Is his Rolex. One week later you show up with the identical watch.
Robert nodding in disbelief…
ROBERT
The word on the street is… you were the last one to see Chris alive. And maybe, just maybe you want Suzanne and all of this!
Trent throws a punch… SMACK lands on Robert’s jaw, who stumbles. Out of nowhere A BOUNCER, grabbing Trent, lands a crushing blow to the abdomen, another on the nap of his neck.
Trent, drops, doubled over, wheezing to catch his breathe.
ROBERT
Give my apologies to Suzanne. Sorry I couldn’t stay.
Robert and the Bouncer walk away.
-
Title: Audrey’s African Arms –Max. Interest Part 1
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is to how to expand a scene by using Max. Interest Techniques.
Logline: The first day on a new job turns out to be the most terrifying experience of her life.
Essence: The moment my main character realizes she’s completely out of her element.
Suspense: Samwel and Mel hear the frantic cries of a herd.
Major twist: Mel absorbing the arresting beauty of the African Savanna suddenly turns deadly.
Surprise: When the Bull Elephant gets angry and heads for Samwel’s Jeep.
Uncertainty: What will the Bull Elephant do? Will Mel and Samwel get injured?
Reveal: Something horrible has happened to a herd of elephants. And the Bull knows it and heads to find the herd.
LOUDSPEAKER (V.O.)
INT. KILIMANJARO AIRPORT ARRIVAL GATE- DAY
Busy. Very Modern. Full of shops and Cafes.
LOUDSPEAKER (V.O.)
Welcome to Tanzania. Gateway to the Wildlife of Africa…
SAMWEL, a beautiful man with the whitest teeth, holds a sign that reads…
INSERT SIGN: “Doctor Edwards.”
Mel sees him. Crosses…
MEL
I’m Doctor Edwards.
SAMWEL
I am Samwel, your driver.
EXT. OPEN AIR JEEP WRANGLER – DAY
Samwel maneuvers the roughed terrain, as plumes of orange earth rise from the wheels. The snowy peak of Mount Kilimanjaro jets out over open plains sprawling on each side of it. And large grassy patches, under crystal blue skies make the Jeep seem small in the vast wilderness.
Mel, visibly uncomfortable, maybe it’s the heat, or maybe feeling vulnerable. Samwel notices.
SAMWEL
Where are you from?
MEL
America.
Samwel laughs, as if to say, “I know!”
SAMWEL
Where in America?
MEL
New York.
SAMWEL
(chuckles)
Ahh! Yes, this is very different.
Just then, a TOWER of GIRAFFES lumber across the grassland. Samwel stops the Jeep, and Mel takes it in.
MEL
They’re beautiful!
A BEAT as she digests the moment.
SAMWEL
We live not only to take care of ourselves, but for the wildlife that cannot ask us for our help.
The moment deeply resonates with Mel, a scientist who helps those whose voices are made silent. More at ease, she absorbs…
IN THE DISTANCE
She sees a PAIR OF LIONS flump beneath the canopy of an Acacia tree, seeking shade from searing afternoon sun.
HERD of ZEBRAS grazing keep a furtive gaze trained on the resting Pair of Lions.
A BULL ELEPHANT (BULL) with a CATTLE EGRIS on its back watches unconcerned as the Jeep slows.
O.S.
Suddenly, these PIERCING CRIES. MULTIPLE PIERCING CRIES all at once. DEAFENINGLY LOUD.
Herd of Giraffes begin to run.
Samwel stops the Jeep. He listens. The look on his face says, “There’s trouble.”
MEL
What is it?
Samwel raises a hand indicating STOP. He looks in every direction, “Where’s the sound coming from.”
The Pair of Lions grow uneasy and scamper away.
PIERCING CRIES grows more frantic.
Now, the Bull, stares at the Jeep. Lifts his trunk, makes the same CRY as Samwel hears.
Aroused, he starts trotting in the direction of the Jeep.
Samwel grinds the gears into overdrive and guns the gas, trying to put more distance between them and the beast.
PIERCING CRIES reach a fever pitch, like trumpets screaming.
Urgently approaching from the opposite direction are TWO OPEN AIR WRANGLER JEEPS, with FOUR MEN armed with RIFLES, all clad in government uniforms. They STOP. Watching the Bull, ONE MAN trains his rifle on it. The Bull picks up speed… And he’s coming hard and fast.
And now the Bull is making the same PIERCING CRY.
A SHOT is fired.
Samwell snaps a look at the Four Men with Rifles. The rifle is pointed in the air, it’s a WARNING SHOT.
The PIERCING CRIES again.
The Bull, cuts into the path of Samwel’s Jeep. Samwel jams on the brakes, comes to a SCREECHING halt. The Bull runs pass with such force the Jeep rattles<font face=”inherit”>. </font>
The Bull veers into the woods.
ONE MAN SHOUTS something in Swahili to Samwel.
The Jeeps with the Four Men hurriedly follow the Bull, disappearing into the woods.
Frozen in SILENCE.
The LOUD PIERCING CRIES continue.
LONG PAUSE as the terrifying moment passes…
SAMWEL
Are you alright?
Mel nods, yes.
SAMWEL
An elephant herd is in trouble.
-
Audrey: Deep Into Character
What I’ve learned: Person 3 embodies the traits of my main character. This is a breakthrough for me. I think I can develop her more deeply now having a definite starting point.
Character traits: Person 1
Tactless
Hurtful
Gives freely expecting something in return.
Can’t keep a secret.
Character traits: Person 2
Inflammatorily ignorant
Lacks solid reasoning skills.
Very Intelligent
So kind he connects with homeless people.
Character traits: Person 3
Expects nothing in return.
Strong on the outside, but fragile inside.
Head strong and doesn’t give up easily.
Once broken-down, hard to find their way back.
-
Audrey Puts Essence to Work
Title of Script: In African Arms
What I’ve Learned: Is to work at getting to the core of the scene and clearly express what the characters are saying. I see that weak dialogue moves the scene nowhere. I’m taking an objective look at this script. And I’m going to rework it entirely. The concept is good, but the depth of these characters needs developing. These are the scenes I’ve begun revising.
1. Scene Location: INT. New York Penthouse
Logline: A behavior scientist reluctantly arrives at a lavish party held by her philanthropic friend.
Essence: I discovered: It’s really a fundraiser and her friend who orchestrates a “chance meeting” where the scientist gets derailed by an adversary.
New Logline: A behavior scientist stands up power and money in the pharmaceutical industry and speaks out about the misuse of drugs on children.
2. Scene Location: INT. New York Apartment
Logline: Father comes home from work to find his two teenage daughters totally engrossed in their own worlds.
Essence: I discovered that a husband and two teenage daughters have grown wearily accustomed to the absence of a wife and mother.
New Logline: For hardworking parents with children, success comes with a price.
3. Scene Location: INT. New York Penthouse
Logline: In spite of the scientist railing against the misuse of drugs by the drug industry, she’s offered the opportunity of a lifetime.
Essence: What I discovered is that her clear and measured response doesn’t burn a bridge.
New Logline: You can walk away from the right opportunity if it’s coming from the wrong source.
4. Scene Location: African Orphanage
Logline: A behavior therapist discovers the limited therapeutic resources available while treating deeply traumatize children.
Essence: What I discovered was the therapist faces her deepest inner fear… that is failure.
New Logline: A behavior therapist discovers her advocacy for restricted drug use in children is now put to the test, as she struggles to treat them.
5. Location: African Orphanage Grounds
Logline: A behavior therapist lets her guard down and a child experience ”expressive aphasia”.. the little girl screams but<font face=”inherit”> can make no sound. </font>
What I discovered is the behavior therapist must dig deep to find answers to questions she’d never faced.
New Logline: A behavior therapist realizes now amount of formal training can prepare you for what you’ve never encountered.
-
Audrey Gomes
I agree to the terms of this release form.
-
Hi everyone. My name is Audrey and this is my first time taking a class. I’m excited to experience being connected with other screenwriters. I’m definitely looking forward…
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Hilton… you’ve captured a very unique situation; war… What you’ve created is dire straits where every second, every syllable counts to move a crucial moment forward. When split decisions have to be made, there’s no space for long explanations… Marcus has to execute the order to get the General’s daughter, Carley, out of harm’s way, NOW! Even if it means forcibly removing her. I think the sense of urgency was evident, but the dialogue slowed down the scene. Perhaps, they could work out their issues as the Jeep speeds away navigating a field of Improvised Explosive Devices (IED’s). Or having navigated pass the danger, an argument erupts. Behind enemy lines, trapped, uncertain outcomes, envelops a world we know very little about. Would be interesting to see how it unfolds… Sure an interesting concept.
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Hi Madeleine… I think the opening was a really good hook. And the characters you chose are inherently interesting. The situation is a difficult one to tackle. And you have great lines in this scene like: … the opera orgy, and That’s the destiny of a big-game hunter… deadly fun… and Maxine’s face undergoes and instant aging… Vividly colorful imagery! And a unique use of language.
I wish that I could’ve understood the nuances better about the Rabbit. And I wish I could help with discussing the scene in a bit more depth. I agree that you’ve done a good job although English is not your native language. Still a really good job!
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Hi Andrew… This totally felt like teenagers vying for position. It’s cleanly written. And I think you’ve hit all the elements. The use of technology is perfect and an efficient way of moving the story forward. Renee’s traits: ambition, devious, outgoing traits are all there, and perhaps the conforming trait expressed in the dialogue is about pleasing the teacher (might’ve been interesting to hear what she chose as a subject…a small detail.)
Maxine’s traits: emotionally wounded, tricky, and paranoia are all there (not sure about her being a snob… small detail.) I loved the twist in the end. Very well written. I enjoyed the read!
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Hi Mary… A really good scene. I felt the cold and isolation and also the strong determination of Renee to be free. Outgoing and not afraid to take risks, and devious to have plotted the ‘get away.’
The twist of Maxine’s betrayal/tricky trait was a surprise. Maxine’s paranoia/snobbish are perhaps combined, and she’s clearly wounded by her past. Maxine seemed like the prissy character, and not Renee (small detail in the grand scheme). The characters are well-drawn, and I enjoyed the scene. I hope this helps.
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Thanks for the feedback. I’m still having trouble with Mastering the Techniques. Subtext can be eluding. I’m working on it! Thanks again!
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Hi Andrew… This is an interesting read… a difficult subject, that takes twist and turns. I was holding my breath the whole time… Makes me wonder what the next scene would be. Good job!
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Hi Andrew,
<font face=”inherit”>Thank you for your comments. I can see all your points and am in total agreement. I’m still working on capturing the relationship between subtext and the expression of it in the dialogue/action. I don’t yet have it “down.” And I think until that time, I may </font>not be<font face=”inherit”> helpful in offering direction to anyone in my group. I’m looking forward to the “breakthrough” in this area. Thank you once again.</font>
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I think Mark’s description of Person 3 is so vivid, I can clearly see him. In fact, I think I know this guy!